All language subtitles for Carry on Laughing s1e05 One In The Eye For Harold

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The place is Europe. The year, 1066.

On the coast of France,
a mighty fleet assembles

under the command of William,
Duke of Normandy,

impatient to don the English crown.

Jolly good show, n'est—ce pas?

In Saxon England, the Saxon King Harold

is thoughtfully playing his Saxon—phone.

What frightening talent.

Sire! Sire!

It's for you.

Oh, gracious majesty, King of all Saxons,
Prince of all the Anglos,

— Lord of all the marches...
— And Queen of all the fairies, yes, yes.

I know who I am. So, what's the message?

The Norwegians are threatening the north.

— We march north!
— The Normans are threatening the south.

— We march south!
— The Norwegians are on the Yorkshire coast.

We march...thataway! Egbert...

— Oh, hello.
— Any news of the you—know—what?

What?
— The you—know—what.

— No, I don't.
— The secret weapon unit!

I have ordered the greatest brains in the land
to invent me a secret weapon

that will save England from the invader.

Ooh. And why do you call it
a you—know—what?

To keep it a secret.

Bonjour, mon duc. I bring news from England.

Speak.

The English will soon have a you—know—what.

Name of a name, the cunning dogs!
They must be stopped tout de suite.

And the touter, the suiter!

This is a job for our best secret agent.

— You mean...?
— You—know—who.

Left! Left! Squad...

Halt!

You're all right.

Bless me. Hello.

— Can I help you?
— Yes, I am Sergeant Ethelred...

of the King's Own Aching Foot.

Oh! Pleased to meet you.

I'm Brother Athelstan. I work here.

Well, listen, Brother Ithlestone...

I am here on direct orders of King Harold
on a mission of the utmost hush.

Of course.
You've come for the secret weapon.

That's right, yeah.
Ssh! Nobody's supposed to know about that!

Don't worry. I know how to keep a secret.

You two! Would you go in
and fetch the King's weapon?

Thank you. You're very lucky.
We've only just finished it.

Oh. Hey, was that the bang we heard
when we just got here?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Not at all.

That was my own experiment, you see. Yes.

That's going to make me famous one day,
that is.

Get away.

It's for scaring birds off growing crops,
you see. Yes.

I'm thinking of calling it bird powder.

— Bird powder?
— Yes. Ah!

There we are. The King's new secret weapon.

Guaranteed to save England from disaster.

What? That dirty old iron chest?

The secret weapon's inside, you see.
We've had it giftwrapped.

Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day.

Hey, just a minute. Hang on.
This secret weapon — what is it?

I can't tell you that. It's a secret.

Well, you'd better come and explain it
to the King.

No, you don't understand.
I'm indispensable here.

There's my own experiments, you see.

Yes, and beside,
the abbot would never let me go.

Oh.

Get out. Go on. Get out there.

This is your lucky day.

The abbot has finally persuaded me
to travel with you.

— Where is the King?
— He marched north.

North. With God's help,
I shall guide you safely to him.

The key of the secret weapon.

— Must be careful of this.
— I'll say.

Ooh!

Follow me.

Oi! North is that way.

Come on, you lot. Step lively, now.

Follow me. We're on the right track.

Aaah!

Right, left, right...

We're on the right track. Not too far now.

Come on, then. Pick yourselves up.

We're going to be all day if we stop for you,
you know. Come on.

Hey... Hey, you.

What are you hanging back for? Come on!

Sergeant, I am just picking a few herbs.

This is a military expedition,
not a bloody nature ramble.

These are very good for the blood.

Very interesting, I'm sure,
but my problem is to keep going.

Ah, well, take two of these
before and after meals.

Not that sort of going, you monkish nut!

Look, if you want to do something useful,
find us something to eat.

I've got the very thing here, look.

Do you realise, Sergeant,
there's enough energy in one of these leaves

to keep a fully—grown man
marching for 40 miles.

— I'll have a bash at that.
— Just a moment.

It is necessary for you to have the condiments.
Where are they?

— Here they are.
— What do you mean condiments?

— That's it. You'll find that very nutritious.
— Thank you.

With that special herb on it.

Oh, I say...it's... Ugh!

Ser...

— What happened?
— I don't know.

I went dead from the neck up.

Well, once we've mastered that little problem,
I think we're on a winner there.

You'll have to do better than that. Now, come on!

All right, Sergeant. I'm just trying to find my sack.
I walked through here...

Oh! Oh, dear!

Now, look. I am going to lose my temper with...

Oh, 'ey! That's different!

Good lad! How did you get that?

— It had nothing to do with me.
— Don't be so modest.

Honestly, you don't seem to understand.
There's someone...

No, come here.

You know, it's funny the way that rabbit died.

What's funny about it?

If you had an arrow up your throat,
you wouldn't find much to laugh at.

How did the arrow get up its throat in the first
place? Particularly since it's a French arrow.

What makes you think it's a French arrow?

Oh, I don't know. It's this funny feeling I've got.

Unless of course it's the feathers, or the design,
or where it says, “Made in Normandy.“

Let me see that.

You're right. It is a French arrow.

So how did a French arrow get up
an English rabbit's throat in an English forest?

What er... What's your theory, then?

Well, I think there's a naughty Norman
lurking around here,

waiting to pick us all off.

Why don't you leave the thinking
for them that's equipped for it?

Now, get on with the cooking.

Yes, you're probably very right, Sergeant.

It's coming on very well.

There we are.

Never mind the spices. If it's ready, we'll eat it.

Please, just give me a couple of minutes.
I'm very good at this sort of thing.

—
— There, you see?

That's wonderful, isn't it, eh?

— And that's only for starters.
— That smells marvellous.

— Right, let's get at it.
— Just a moment, Sergeant.

— One more sprinkle and it'll be out of this world.
— Whatever you say.

You and your bloody bird powder!

Give me that.

And, if...

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

What?
— "Made in Normandy.“

Mon duc, I bring news from England.

Speak.

The English you—know—what
is on its way to Harold.

And our secret agent, you—know—who?

Gone! Who—knows—where?

Name of another name!

This calls for sterner measures.

There is only one other person we can send.

— You mean...
— You—know—who—else.

You see, we are here, Stamford Bridge is there,

so it's just round the next corner.

You've been saying that since Coventry.

Yes, well, you can't be right every time.
Come on.

Listen, listen.

— I can't hear anything.
—

— There it is again.
— Yes, it sounds like somebody in trouble.

Er, excuse me.

Hello, Chicky!

Are you the naughty Normans
or the saucy Saxons?

Madam, please. We are Saxons.

Oh. Still, never mind.

To the victor, the spoils! Come on!

Who's first?

My key! Ooh!

Could you...
Could you tell us where the battle is?

The battle's over. Now we can get on
with the atrocities! Come on!

Get away! Pack it up!

The battle's over? Who won?

Eh? King Harold, do you see?

That's right. It was King Harold.

Pity, really. Them Vikings do a smashing pillage!

Ooh! Great big blond hairy sweaty things!

Oooh!

— Oh! Come on!
— No! Please, madam, my cloth. No.

Come on!

Could you please tell us
where is King Harold now?

Oh, him! Rotten old spoilsport!

The battle was hardly over
before he had all his men fall in

and he marched them off to Hastings.

Hastings?

That's way down south.
What the hell did he go down there for?

Well, the French have landed.

We must set out immediately.

Shouldn't bother!

Them Frenchies
couldn't pillage their way out of a paper bag!

Cor! Take them lads of yours there.

Cor, I bet they're devils when they're roused!

Madam, they are English.
They are not used to that sort of thing.

Here, here, here...
Would they fancy a bit of practice?

Never mind that. We march south.

What about you, then?

Come on.

Get... Not on your nelly!

Sorry, our Nellie.

You'll have to wait till next season.

Right, come on, you two. Quick as you like.

I'll tell you what you can do —
go straight back to King Harold's camp.

Don't just stand there! Put the chest down!

Ooh!

Get out of it!

Ha!

Well, it's a very high—class son of place, isn't it?

Hello!

Oh, how do you do?

— Are you the landlord?
— Are you blind?

I'm the landlord's daughter, Isolde.

Well, now, Isolde,
may we have two stoups of your finest ale?

How about a firkin?

'Ere! You watch your language!

Bit of all right, that one, eh?

I do not know much about that sort of thing.

It does not arise in the monastery.

No, I'm sure it doesn't.

Let's get ourselves sat down.

Oh, thank you, darlin'.
That'll do all right for starters.

Let's see your money.

That's all right.
You just charge this to King Harold.

That'll be a quarter of a great!

Oh, I'm sorry. I have nothing less than a penny.

I can change it.

Well, give us the change and I'll send you
the penny when I get back to camp.

No mon, no fun!

Allow me.
Will that cover everything?

Oh, yes.

It could uncover quite a lot too!

Well, I tell you what you do.
We'll have a saddle of mutton,

two roast capons, some stewed calf and...
I'll order the main course later!

Anything you say, sir!

I'd better have a dozen oysters as well!

Tell you what, we'll make that two dozen!

Phwoar!

I'll go in the kitchen
and see if I can pop something in the oven.

No, please! Sergeant, no! Wait!

I'm sorry about that.
He's a very impatient sort of fellow.

I do not like the rough soldier.

I much prefer the gentle monk.

You are...very religious, then, m'lady?

Madame?

— Mrs...?
— My name is unimportant.

Ah, well, Mrs Unimportant...

But you can call me Else.

— You naughty boy! You want to dance?
— Oh, no, please!

— No, look, madam, please!
— We shall take steps to get better acquainted.

We must have music.

♪ Light folk music

Aah!

But this is magnifique!

How you call this dance?

Can...can...

The cancan?
Oh, how they will love this dance at home!

No... Can... Can you...

remove this thing from my sitting room?

Ah!

Would you fetch my wine for me?

It is on the table in the corner.

Oh... My pleasure.

Oooh!

Now... Come and tell me all about yourself.

Well, there's nothing much to tell.

Perhaps I know quite a lot about you already.

No, I don't see how that can be possible.

Are you going to show me your...
you—know—what?

Eh?

What? You want to see my you—know—what?

I couldn't possibly do that. It's a secret.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

Where is it?

I mustn't say.

Let me guess.

— Is this it?
— Argh!

Madam, please!

That's a family heirloom.

Now, please... Don't pull it, madam.

— I'm very attached to it.
- Aah!

I bet that is it.

— Oh, no, that's just full of old books.
— Oh, look...

I'm not really interested in
your silly old you—know—what.

Let's have a drink, eh?

— To us.
— To us.

Oooh!

I say, madam...

Do you really want to see my you—know—what?

Well, I wouldn't want to get you into trouble.

Oooh!

We can talk about that later, eh?

Ssh!

Here it is.

There. That is our latest secret you—know—what,
you see?

That is an invisible ointment.

Magic that makes you invisible.

Sacre bleu!

I mean, er... Sacred blue.

No, madam, please.

It can only be opened in pitch darkness
by the light of a single candle.

But this is fantastic!

Mm, isn't it? Ssh...

This stuff must never be allowed
to fall into enemy hands.

I will drink to that.

Mm.

Hey, there's plenty of food
out there in the kitchen.

— If you'd like to... Where's the lady?

That was no lady. That was a Norman spy,
trying to get her hand on my you—know—what.

— Did she get it?
— She thinks she did.

Ah, well, she should be back in France by now.

One of these days, that bloody bird powder
of yours is going to be a menace.

'Ere! If you need anything,
my room's the first at the top of the stairs.

Oooh!

I'll be coming up your way in a minute!
Good health!

Oh, no, Sergeant...

She...she...she...sh... Oh, no!

Come on, the Saxons!

Move it about a bit! Keep up in the centre.
Now, out to the wings.

That's it! Get stuck in there, lads!

How do you think we're doing?

Well, I mean, it's obvious, isn't it?

— Yes, we've got them by the short and curlies.
— Oh, we should be so lucky.

I think you're pushing forward too much.

Your midfield is extended
and your back line is too square.

Are you trying to tell me my job?

Oh, no! Perish the thought! You're the King.

Our whole future is in your capable hands.

Yes, well, that's all right, then.

Look after the shop, Egbert.
I'm going to nip down the hill for a quick slash.

Oh, Sergeant, this chest is heavy.

Oh, don't complain all the time.

— Yes, Sergeant.
— Down there.

Your Majesty...
— What kept you?

Is this it? Is this the secret weapon?

— Yes, sire.
— Don't just stand there! Get it out of the box!

Yes, sire. Of course.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

— The key's rusted away!
— Oh, well. Never mind.

It's not locked anyway.

— Come on.
— One moment. We've got to be careful with it.

— There. Look at that.
— Have you got it?

Sire...

What is that supposed to do?

— Well, sire... Sergeant, please.
— Sire.

It fits over the head, sire, so.

You see? And, there...

Pardon, sire?

— Excuse me, sire.
— One second.

— Yes, Sergeant?
— I think he's asking what happens next.

— How do you know that?
— It's what I'd be asking.

Oh, well, let's read the instructions, shall we?
There we are.

Ah, here... Yes.

Oh, I've caught my key.

"The St Augustine see—through battle helmet,
patent applied for. "

That's not much of a secret weapon.
It's just a bloody helmet!

Ah, yes. You see...

There is this ancient prophecy

that King Harold will die by an arrow in the eye.

Get off! I didn't know that.

Well, we did, you see.

And this helmet is absolutely guaranteed
to stop arrows going into people's eyes. Yes...

Here we are, "Instructions for fitting.“

We've done all that, haven't we?
“See important footnote.“

Ah, yes, here we are. "Before fitting the helmet,
make sure that the air vent

is in the open position,
or the wearer will suffocate. "

— Oh, we did all that.
— Oh, I'm sure we did.

Didn't we? Yes...

Oh, no! Gracious me!

— The King! Is he...?
— Just a moment.

Yes.

What do we do now?

There's only one thing we can do.

Bung an arrow in his eye and let's scarper!

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