All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S02E07.Hank.After.Dark.1080p.NF.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-SNEAkY.Eng

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, Billy Crystal, for
that impression of a black person.

- I'm Scott Wolf.
- And I'm Matthew Fox.

We may be a group of five on TV,

but any of these next
nominees would be welcome

to join our party any day.

- [microphone feedback]
- [man coughs]

The nominees for Male Animal in a
Comedy, Drama or Variety Show are:

BoJack Horseman, Horsin' Around.

Now that's what I call horsin' around.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Uh... Yeah.

Mr. Peanutbutter, Mr.
Peanutbutter's House.

Now that's what I call doggin' around.

[audience laughs and applauds]

[laughs]

And finally, my personal favorite,

Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark!

Oh, boy, get it off, get it off.

- [baby shrieks]
- [audience laughs and applauds]

Hiya!

And the animals' choice is...

Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark!

[Wolf howls]

Oh, yeah.

[camera shutters clicking]

No, no, no, no. It's
because we're on a show

called Party of Five. Get it?

Hey, buddy, pass me
that bottle of vodka?

- That's not really how this works.
- It's open bar, don't be a dick.

- BoJack Horseman?
- Do I know you?

This is my better half,
Katrina Peanutbutter.

- Katrina, BoJack.
- I don't watch TV.

Can I get another drink now or will
that quote, unquote "embarrass" you?

- Uh, uh, no, I would never be...
- Erica! Throw me a raft. I'm dying.

My friends told me to get a prenup,

but I was like, "Hey,
marriage lasts forever."

Listen, I'm doing my own thing here.

Can you believe two guys like us

were even in the same
category as Hank Hippopopalous?

[chuckles] That's Uncle Hanky.

Listen, Peanutbottle,
there is no "guys like us."

I'm BoJack Horseman.

You're just some other guy I'll
probably never talk to again.

Hey, boys. What is this,
a crossover episode?

[all laugh]

That is the funniest
thing I have ever heard.

Uncle Hanky. Sir, I am your biggest fan.

I used to watch Hank
Hippopopalous's Dance-Pop Cosmopolis

every day after school.

- Hey, can I get a picture with you?
- Of course, kid.

Here, let me advance this.
[grunts] And we probably got it.

And we'll find out in four to six weeks.

Yeah, I can't wait.

Okay, I gotta go. My
wife's hand just disappeared

into that busboy's pants.

Treasure? Sweetheart? We're in public.

Hey, kid, listen.

Don't beat yourself up too bad.

I've seen your show.
You're really funny.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. But I'm Uncle Hanky.

You can't beat Uncle Hanky.

That's just the way it is.

Oh.

This suit needs more flasks.

[♪♪]

- Diane!
- [passenger] Aah!

Will you bring me one of those
big Toblerone bars? [chuckles]

Well, sure. But, you know, I won't
be out there for another month.

Yes, I know, but I always forget
to write these things down.

Tell me, how's your little movie?

Actually one of the stars
just died. It's really sad.

Oh, really? One person died? Just one?

Yeah, well, that's a real
tragedy. Meanwhile, Diane,

here in Cordovia, I'm stitching
children's arms back on.

Oh, that's backwards, isn't it?

Are you giving me a thumb's up
or a thumb's down? I can't tell.

Well, now the production's on hiatus

so BoJack and I are going on a book tour

to promote the new paperback
edition of One Trick Pony.

Please get here soon, Diane.

The people of Cordovia need
you and I need that Toblerone.

Okay, listen, you big dummy.

You need to be on your
best behavior for this tour.

Don't do that BoJack thing
where you go off-script

and get a lot of people mad at you.

What? I don't do that.

You're a movie star now.

Any bad press you get
can hurt Secretariat.

Now boarding, Flight 422 to Juneau.

Please. We're going to Alaska.

How am I gonna offend a bunch of
inbred Eskimo blubber-munchers?

You're right. What was I thinking?

The Republic of Cordovia's Prince Gustav

visiting Los Angeles this week

while his country rests
on the brink of civil war.

Prince Gustav is a ruthless despot,

but I'd still rather share a
bed with him than my ex-wife.

Shannon, I didn't mean that.

[dance music playing over speakers]

Listen. With Hey, I Think
You Can Dance as a lead-in,

we are expecting big things for
Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities:

What Do They Know? Do They
Know Things? Let's Find Out,

or H.S.A.C.W.D.T.K.D.T.K.T.L.F.O.
for short.

- Mm.
- [Wanda] Why don't we get Hank in here?

You guys can get some pictures together.

Hank is coming here?

That old guy from Hey,
I Think You Can Dance?

- What's the big deal?
- You don't understand.

When I was a kid, this guy was the guy.

I even bought his novelty rap album, The
Hank Hippopopalous Hip-Hop Hypothesis.

You shouldn't meet your
hero on an empty stomach.

- Want me to go get you some chili?
- Good call.

Chili is nature's chillaxative.

Hiya, folks! Howdy!

- Hank Hippopopalous.
- Oh, we've met.

Oh, oh, yeah. I remember that.

Okay, so, I thought for the ad,

you guys could stand back to back.

And then on the billboard it'll say:

"Hank and Mr. Peanutbutter are back
to back. Thursdays on MBN." [laughs]

So, what should I do
with my arms? Like akimbo?

- You're fine.
- Reverse akimbo?

- No, that...
- King Tut? Mashed Potato? Windmill?

Uh-oh, I'm windmilling.
Got a momentum going.

- Can't stop windmilling now.
- Hey, hey.

Why don't we just do what feels natural?

Guys like us? We're pros.

"Guys like us"?

You think I'm a guy like us?

Oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life.

Excuse me, would you
get a picture of us?

Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Now we open the floor to
questions from the audience.

BoJack, your book talked a lot about
how much you love apple fritters.

Yeah, thanks for that, Diane.

So, my question is:

Do you think Israel has
a right to defend herself?

- Uh...
- And what part should the U.S. play

as an ally?

[groans]

Well, the thing about that...

[both growl]

Uh... It's a shame that Arafat
walked away from the table in 2000.

I mean, obviously there's no
panacea, but a two-state solution

with an emphasis on human rights
feels like a place to begin.

[audience murmuring]

- [Moose] Brilliant insight.
- [woman] Very good.

- My question is for Diane Nyu... Nyu...
- Oh.

- Nyu...
- You won't get it. Ask the question.

Your book went to some revealing places.

Were you worried at all that it
would hurt BoJack or his career?

That's a great question.

I'd also like to know
the answer to that, Diane.

Well, I think the truth is
worth pursuing, no matter what.

BoJack's not perfect.
There are other celebrities

who have done much worse things
and it hasn't hurt their careers.

- Like who?
- I don't know, like Mike Tyson

or... Sean Penn, or Josh Brolin,
or Christian Slater, Woody Allen,

Hank Hippopopalous, Bill Murray...

Wait, wait, what about
Hank Hippopopalous?

Well, all of his former assistants
have made the same allegations.

- I feel like we're getting off track.
- Do you not know that?

Any questions about me, the
handsome, famous horse with a book?

What do you have against Uncle Hanky?

I'm not saying anything
not on the public record.

You can just Google "Hank
Hippopopalous allegations" and I...

Oh, you don't have to
Google it right now.

[all gasp]

Dear God.

Stanky Hanky? Allegations
vile and ranky.

But first, the visiting
Cordovian Prince Gustav

went missing briefly this afternoon,

but he was quickly found
buying chili in Beverly Hills.

His official statement was, "Uh,
yeah, I'm the Prince of Cordovia.

Hooray, being a prince."

Our main story, ominous
and anomalous accusations

against Hank Hippopopalous.

Who is this anonymous Diane Nguyen

and what does she have against
our beloved hippopotamus?

Joining me now is
Hippopopalous apologist

and armchair sociologist,
Cardigan Burke. Cardigan,

what are these allegations?

These allegations are so crazy,
I can't even say them on TV

or I'll sound like a crazy person.

What I want to know is why
we're letting a national treasure

face the same kind of smear
tactics used by the Viet Cong.

Are you calling attention to the fact

that Ms. Nguyen is Vietnamese?

I'd like to think that's a coincidence.

[Peanutbutter] You gotta see
this set they're building!

There's a giant replica of my head,

and every episode, the eyes
light up with dollar signs,

confetti shoots out of the ears,
then I somersault out the mouth.

We're bringing class back to primetime.

- Sounds amazing.
- And I'm really getting along

with J.D. Salinger.

- Did you know we both hate phonies?
- I did know that.

So... listen. Some website
called "Tit Puncher"

is saying you said some stuff
about Hank Hippopopalous.

Oh, my God, Mr. Peanutbutter, I
didn't mean for that to happen.

Hey, do me a favor. Please don't
make a big thing out of this.

It's really not a good time, you
know, with my show about to launch.

- Hey, we are on the same page.
- Oh, are you also on "Tit Puncher"?

Because you should
not read the comments.

Believe me, nothing
would make me happier

than for this to just go away.

- Great. I love you, too.
- [with heavy accent] Hello.

- Oh, my God!
- Is chili you ask for.

I am peasant boy Todd from village.

Friend of Peanut Man, and lover
of federated American states.

No reason for suspicions.
[laughs] Come on!

Wait a second, something's
different. [sniffs]

I am... digging this new cologne!

You smell like a fancy cabbage.

Is so great to be in meager
trash city Los Angeles

with no pressures of royal life.

What? Royal life? Why
I'm saying? I am no royal.

[chuckles] Look at me. Normals.

There's that classic
self-deprecating Todd wit.

I'd know it anywhere.

- We will now begin our Q and A.
- Fire when ready.

What you got against Uncle
Hanky, you uppity cooze?

Diane, I believe this
question is for you.

If anyone here has any
questions about the book,

I'd be happy to answer those.

As would I, BoJack Horseman,

Golden-Globe winning star of the book.

If Hank did anything wrong, they
wouldn't let him on TV, right?

I'm really not here to talk about that.

You women are all the same.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, you make these

broad accusations to get
attention for yourself,

and when you don't have proof to
back it up, you just slink away.

I'm not slinking away.

I just wanted to say one thing about me.

I text and drive like
all the time. What?

Isn't that what happened with all
those assistants? They took his money,

and they don't even care they
could be ruining a man's life.

What? They ruined his life?

- You should probably just drop this.
- Oh, I'm gonna drop it, all right.

They don't even know how
much I'm gonna drop it.

The way you said that made it
sound like you won't drop it.

How dare you spread a narrative that...

Don't tell me what to spread.

I'll spread whatever I want.
It's called one of the amendments.

Ladies, please! Don't get hysterical!

- This is completely...
- Yeah, hi.

I'm Diane's friend, BoJack.

I came with her. I gotta say
I'm opposed to child labor,

like as a rule, but there
are some kinds of labor

that children are just better at.

You ever try to fit into a mine shaft?

That is a tight squeeze. What?

Oh, man, probably gonna get
some letters about that, huh?

I'm so incorrigible.

Everyone's paying attention to me now!

Okay, I'm gonna go get a snack.

Anyone else want a snack?

No? That's a no? On the snacks? Okay.

What do you have against
Hank Hippopopalous?

Everyone says he's a really nice guy.

Good point.

That's exactly the problem.
Because he's so nice,

people don't wanna think
he's capable of awful things

so they let him off the hook.

We don't know what happened. It's
a classic "he said, she said."

"He said, they said."
It's eight different women.

- Are they all lying?
- I mean, probably. We do that.

At this point, we just
don't know enough to judge.

Who are these women? Have
they ever shoplifted perhaps?

Do they wear short shorts?

Do they drink alcohol? All
these things are possible.

We don't know the facts.

See, this is part of the problem.

You're supposed to be a journalist.

You won't even tell your
audience what he's accused of.

You're an expert. Why don't you tell us?

I'm not afraid to say it.

Eight different women,
all former assistants,

claim that Uncle Hanky took them to a...

What is Diane doing?

I know. It's supposed to be my
book tour and she's upstaging me.

Like how it was supposed to be my book.

Actually, this might
be a thing she does.

She knows that Hippopopalous
is the only thing

keeping my network afloat, right?

The same network that
employs her husband.

Why would she do this?

Sometimes she just whips
herself into a frenzy

and she loses all perspective.
Goddamn it, honeydew?!

Jesus, why does cantaloupe think
every time it gets invited to a party,

it can bring along its
dumb friend honeydew?

You don't get a plus-one, cantaloupe!

You need to talk to her.

Huh.

Wanda, I just got back from a
set visit on Contemporary Family.

It's a disaster!

- What?
- The kids have gone through puberty.

They are rubbing
themselves on everything.

If it isn't one thing,
it's ano... Just get a hose!

Aha! I went to house to pick up mail
for you like real American Johnny.

- Hey, man.
- Whoa!

You know it's a federal crime to
go through someone else's mail?

I do not know your customs, for
I am dirt-poor servant child.

Oh, don't worry about it.
Now walk me through that mail.

Death threat for wife, death threat
for wife, once more death threat,

and here many monies
off for Bed Bath Beyond.

Seems like great U.S.A. dream castle!

Good Lord, that's graphic.

How would she even fit
one of those in there?

Some sort of funnel. Oh, I see,
there's actually an illustration.

Excuse, Dog Dog Peanut Man?
This wife, she poke bear, yes?

Yeah, I guess she kind of did.

They have a saying where
I am from, which is here.

Bear not like to be poke.

- Bear get angry...
- Right.

and destroy peasant rebel army

with fist of fire of which
make many, many nightmares

to children and men!

Todd, I can always count on you
to give me the straight dope.

Please don't ever change.

[inaudible dialogue]

[women gasp]

Okay, just kill the whole feature.
Replace it with... Oh, I don't know.

What's Gwyneth doing for Purim?

Diane? I want you to
meet Amanda Hannity,

editor-in-chief
here at Manatee Fair.

The pleasure's yours. Walk
with me, squawk with me.

That woman can knock a drink back like
a Kennedy at a wake for another Kennedy,

but damn if she doesn't get shit done.

No. Yes. Turtleneck. You're fired.

Um, okay, I wanted to pitch you
an exposé on Hank Hippopopalous.

I would love to take down Hippopopalous

and finally topple the
acropolis of monstrous hypocrisy

that ensconces us.

Hey, wouldn't your readers
prefer something more relevant?

Like, uh, what to do with all those
extra buttons that come with your shirts.

Amanda, I am so glad you're
throwing your weight behind this.

- Oh, I didn't mean...
- That dress is hideous.

Go home, burn it and come back.

When we know what we know
about a monster like that

and we still put him on TV every week,

we're teaching a generation
of young boys and girls

that a man's reputation
is more important

than the lives of the women he's ruined.

Yes, exactly! I feel
like I've been alone

in a crazy alternate
universe these last few days.

Well, you know I got your back, right?

We women have got to stick
to... Hey, fruit plate.

No, people don't want articles
about that. People want life-hacks.

Diane, you need to be strong.

Everyone is gunning for you. You're a
woman talking out of turn about a man.

We're not supposed to have opinions.
We're supposed to smile and look pretty.

No, this model doesn't look as pretty
as the other one. Can we kill it?

Scarves, not just for necks anymo...

We need to sit you down with someone
who's willing to go on the record.

I already reached out to all eight
of Hank's former assistants. Nothing.

- What about his current assistant?
- You think she'd talk?

I don't know. What do you
think, answering machine?

[beeps]

Hi, my name's Nicole. I work
for Mr. Hippopopalous and, um...

I really need to talk to someone.

[gasps]

Are you kidding me? With
this honeydew right now? Ugh!

- Nicole?
- Mm-hm.

[car door opens]

[Hank] Hello, Diane.

Thank you, Nicole.

Prince Gustav today startled
the international community

when he gave his royal
fortune to charity.

What? Oh, no!

And fired his chief advisor, who
can be seen in this file photo

looking vaguely suspicious.

Oh, you idiot! No!

Big reforms which could
lead to sweeping change

in the embattled region, or a
precipitous economic collapse.

[shouting in Cordovian]

But back to our main story,
what is Diane's problem?

I'll say it once, for your article.

I didn't do any of those things
that you're accusing me of.

I wanna be very clear.

I'm not meeting you here
because I'm scared of you.

This is me doing you a favor.

- I think you are scared of me.
- I'm not a bad guy, Diane,

and I truly do believe that.

Twenty-four hours from now,

the news cycle will move
on to something else.

I'll go back to hosting my dance show,

which employs hundreds of
nice, good, hardworking people.

You, on the other hand,
are pretty much done.

People love me and they're
not gonna forgive you for this.

- This isn't about me.
- If you keep pushing this,

you're gonna drag down
the people close to you.

Look, you had your fun.

So, why don't you call it a
day and go home to your husband?

I know who you are.

Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am.

I'm Hank Hippopopalous.

Who the hell are you?

- So, you got nothing.
- I'm not giving up.

There's gotta be someone who will talk.

Oh, listen. I had a
conversation with my bosses

at AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico-
Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet-

Toyota-Trader Joe's, and we agreed

these kind of stories,
they don't sell magazines.

- Are you seriously killing this?
- It's just not a good time.

So, this has nothing to do with the fact

that AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico-

Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-
Trader Joe's also owns MBN,

and is currently profiting off of
Hank Hippopopalous's good reputation?

I know you're upset.

Would you like a Joe-Joe?

It's just like an Oreo,
but Trader Joe's style.

No, I don't want a Joe-Joe.

Because you're mad at me, right?

Not because Joe-Joes
taste like garbage?

So, help me to understand...

Dog friend's program is to
find what celebrities know?

- Yep.
- So, is torture?

We don't torture
people in America, Todd.

That's called one of the amendments.

No, of course.

In America, you do not know to suffer.

You eat your cheesy pizza,
you drink your Ade of gator.

This life is nice for
visit but no way for live.

I go now. Back to palace!

[shouting in Cordovian]

Sounds great, Todd. See you tomorrow.

So, they hated the skorts idea, huh?

No, I didn't pitch your skorts idea.

[man 1] Hey, Diane!

Why don't you shut
your stupid ugly face?!

Don't you talk to her like that!

[man 2] Yeah, don't
listen to that guy, Diane.

I say you should shut
your stupid pretty face.

- This is not over. When people hear what...
- Give it a rest. It's over. You lost.

- How could you say that?
- What are you doing here?

I mean, what is your
endgame in all of this?

You don't actually believe
Hank's innocent, do you?

Of course not, but that doesn't matter.

You're not gonna beat this guy.

I...

[grunting]

- What?
- Todd?

BoJack! Thank God you found me.

I thought I would never see you again.

- We're in the middle of something.
- I got mixed up in some bad stuff

and a genocide may or may not
have been perpetrated in my name.

Maybe you heard about it on the news?

No, most of the news has been
about Diane and Hank Hippopopalous.

What? Why? This is really serious.

Oh, of course your thing is serious

and my thing is just a dumb
feminist trying to get attention

by attacking a famous man, is that it?

Uh, what? No.

- Eat shit, Diane!
- You eat shit!

Diane, obviously Todd doesn't
know what you're talking about.

He spent the last few days at
Burning Man or whatever getting high.

No! That's not what happened at all.

A stranger just told me to eat shit.

I don't understand why you
can't be on my side about this.

I am on your side.

And I'm telling you you're
not gonna win this thing.

Also, P.S., when have
you ever been on my side?

- I am always on your side.
- Really?

Like when you wrote that book?
Was that you being on my side?

You're not still mad about the book.

You manipulated me and
completely took advantage of...

Guys? There is a very fragile alliance

between the Cords and the Ovians.

If we don't do something...

- Todd, nobody cares.
- Nobody cares, Todd.

Everything I did was to
help you tell the story

I knew you wanted to tell.

You got everything you
wanted because of that book.

You were a joke, now
people take you seriously.

You were out of work, now
you got your dream role.

Okay, yes. All of that is true.

But also, you were my friend
and you hurt my feelings.

And it's weird that you
never apologized for that...

and that you still won't.

Well... [quietly] I'm
sorry I hurt your feelings.

- Are you?
- Yes, actually. I am.

I didn't want to do that

and I probably could have
handled things better.

I definitely should have. I'm sorry.

Okay.

But this is bigger than you and me.

And I need you in my corner now
because I don't have anybody else.

[sighs]

Well, okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm in your corner.

Guys, earlier, some general
asked me if it was "a go"

...on "that thing we talked about"?

And I said, "Yes." And he said,
"God help us all" and left the room.

Now I'm not sure that
was the right answer.

So, then I called Wayne to see

if I could write a story for
Buzzfeed. Here's the good news:

They'll publish anything.

Hey, um...

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, of course. What's up?

I asked you, really nicely, not
to make a big thing out of this.

- Yeah, I know, but someone...
- Had to say something, right?

And that someone had to be you?

Because... why?

I really don't get it.

What is accomplished by you being
the one to take a stand on this?

- Uh...
- [sighs]

Mr. Peanutbutter...

This game show is a
really big deal for me.

And I know that sounds
stupid to you, and small.

But I need this to go
well, and I can't... [sighs]

Those are death threats.

People want to murder my wife

because of what she's saying on the news

about something that she
has nothing to do with.

"You can't. You stupid, ugly can't."

- Yeah, that doesn't say "can't."
- Oh.

God, you know, you'd
almost be safer in Cordovia.

Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia.

I'm obviously not
making a difference here.

Actually, maybe you should.

Go feel good about yourself
and do your important work.

And maybe some space
might be good for us.

You don't really want me to go, do you?

Why does it suddenly matter what I want?

[man over PA] Flight 57,
Cordovian Airlines, now boarding.

Hank, I have to ask, did you do it?

No, I did not.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Coming up, Kanye West claims to hate
Thin Mints. Our panel is outraged.

Hating Thin Mints? Is he legally insane?

You can bet we'll get into
this further in the next hour.

This is the only thing I care about now.

[man] Hey.

Smile.

[sighs]

Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack! ♪

♪ BoJack the horse Don't
act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold onto my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I
don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try
And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack! ♪

Boxer versus raptor.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na.