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1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,171
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,838
I know that I said that I wanted
3
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,275
to get rid of her
and have you come back...
Oh, no!
4
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:10,778
I'm just going to have
to make it work.
No, no, no, no, no!
5
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:11,645
I'm sorry!
6
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,382
Okay, I'll figure something out.
7
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,884
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.
8
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,958
Doctor said you had
a little heart attack.
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,495
Yeah, I remember now.
10
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,498
Zoey's moving in,
and I'm moving out.
11
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,500
(heart monitor beeping rapidly)
12
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,302
(beeping faster)
13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,969
No...
14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,038
No... you're not moving out.
15
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,508
I'm not?
No, you can stay
as long as you want,
16
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,243
as long as you need.
17
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:45,246
Oh, that's...
that's so good to hear.
(beeping slowing down)
18
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,648
* Men.
19
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,583
Really, you don't have
to carry my bags.
20
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,385
Alan, you had
a heart attack, okay?
21
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,553
You need to take it easy.
22
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,222
Well, I appreciate it,
but I'm fine.
23
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:57,024
Whoa, do not say that.
24
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,392
Why not?
25
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,893
Let me tell you
about my Grandma Abigail.
26
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,463
When I was a kid,
she came to move in with us.
27
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,665
And one day I said,
"How ya doing, Grandma?"
28
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:08,869
And she said, "Fine."
And then she dropped dead.
29
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,003
You're kidding.
30
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,873
No, face down in my Legos.
31
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,343
Well, that's terrible.
32
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,146
But I'm fine.
Do not say that!
33
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,813
My Uncle Hal?
34
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,049
When I was a kid, he used to
spend Thanksgivings with us,
35
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,817
and one year,
we're at dinner and...
36
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,653
you know, like football
and turkey and the whole bit,
37
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,455
and I said,
"How ya doing, Uncle Hal?"
38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,556
And he said, "Fine."
39
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,424
And then he went
to the bathroom,
40
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,093
and he crapped out
his small intestines.
41
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,464
Oh, oh... okay,
t-that's horrible,
42
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,200
but I promise you,
I am fine.
43
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,834
ALL:
Surprise!
44
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:46,707
I told you not to say it!
45
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,477
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
46
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,979
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
47
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,385
* Men.
48
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,119
Somebody call 911.
49
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,554
Gotcha. (chuckles)
50
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,590
ALL:
Oh...
51
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:06,660
Alan, don't you ever
do that to me again.
52
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,429
(laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
53
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,698
So all you guys came
just to welcome me back?
54
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,933
Of course we did,
darling.
We were worried about you.
55
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,070
Yeah, I've been beside myself
with concern.
56
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,573
I don't know what to say.
I'm really touched.
57
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,275
Come here, Alan.
58
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,177
Sit down.
I made you some tea.
59
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,545
Wait, did you just
call me Alan?
60
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:25,746
Well, that's your name,
isn't it?
61
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,348
Yeah, but you always
call me Zippy.
62
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,217
I know, but I've got
a little rule.
63
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:32,620
I never make fun of someone who
could come back and haunt me.
64
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,823
Sugar or honey?
65
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,891
I thought we decided on Alan?
66
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,159
(both laugh)
67
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,828
Alan, are you
warm enough?
68
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,530
You want me
to turn up the heat?
69
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,765
I'm fine... Okay.
70
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,335
Why don't you just lay down.
71
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,970
Uh, no, really, I'm good.
I've been in bed for a week.
72
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,405
Do it for me.
73
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:52,840
Uh, okay, but let me
just point out
74
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,108
that that never works
when I say it to you.
75
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877
(chuckles)
76
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,579
Guess what. While you were
in the hospital,
77
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,813
I aced all my final exams.
78
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,682
Really?!
I don't believe it!
79
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,918
(sighs) I told you
he wouldn't buy it.
80
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,720
Wait, wait, wait.
You lied to me?
81
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,523
Uh, I told him to. I thought
the truth might kill you.
82
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,261
But there is some
real good news,
What's that?
83
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,095
I found out for sure
I'm not gay.
84
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:17,365
But why's that good news?
85
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,767
It's mostly good news
for gay people.
86
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,605
A-A-All right, look,
I appreciate
87
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,274
all the trouble you're taking
to welcome me home,
88
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,343
but if you don't mind, I'd just
like to go back to my room.
89
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,678
Oh, you heard him.
90
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,179
He wants to go to his room.
Here, Zoey.
91
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,014
Take the tea.
92
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,716
ALAN:
Walden, I can walk on my own.
93
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,352
(chuckles) That's what my
blind Aunt Shirley said.
94
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,453
And then we went to Miami
95
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,289
on Christmas vacation,
96
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,756
and then "blam!"
97
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,091
Greyhound came out of nowhere
and flattened her.
98
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,359
She got hit by a bus?
99
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,727
No, she wandered
onto the dog track
100
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,562
in the middle
of the ninth race.
101
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,499
Technically,
she came in third.
102
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,536
Anyway, I got a little
surprise for you.
103
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,771
Oh, Walden, you've already
done so much.
104
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,608
I don't know what else
you could possibly... (gasps)
105
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,044
A real bed!
Yeah.
106
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,480
It's not just a bed.
Get on it. Check it out.
107
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,649
Oh, my golly.
(laughs giddily)
108
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,784
Ah...
Oo-ho-ho-ho!
109
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,487
The bed is becoming tumescent.
110
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,188
Yeah...!
111
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,790
Pretty cool, huh?
112
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,091
See, so you don't have
to exert yourself
113
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,293
when you're getting
in and out.
114
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,261
(chuckles)
Ah! Oh,
115
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,730
and what pray tell is that?
116
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:27,635
That is a 46" high-definition
plasma screen TV,
117
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,203
complete with a deluxe sports
satellite package
118
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,673
Nice! No movies?
119
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,209
No, we could switch it
to a movie package.
120
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,512
Or you can add it.
121
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,781
Oh, okay, we'll add it.
122
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,550
And don't forget
the adult channels.
123
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,818
No problem.
124
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,253
You have to ask
for them specifically.
125
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,821
Otherwise they block them.
126
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,022
Right.
127
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,592
Hey, why don't you take
a nap until dinner?
128
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,293
I'm not tired.
(chuckles)
129
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,928
That's what my
cousin Earl said
130
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,797
right before he fell asleep
with a cigarette in his hand.
131
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,198
Set his bed on fire?
132
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,901
No, his fireworks stand.
133
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,070
I was standing across the street
yelling at him to wake up
134
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:08,208
when the first rocket went off,
followed by 800 Roman candles.
135
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:12,446
It was horrifying and really
cool at the same time.
136
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,482
Okay, I'll take a nap.
137
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,616
Good, good, good,
you just...
138
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:16,717
I don't want you
to do anything.
139
00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:17,785
Just relax
and get better.
140
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,186
That's a nice thought, Walden,
141
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,187
but I got a lot of work to do.
142
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:20,988
I got bills to pay.
143
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,255
No, don't worry about the bills.
144
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,757
I'll take care of everything.
145
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,325
Walden, I can't let you
just take care of everything.
146
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,861
Listen, I made a promise to
myself when I was 11 years old
147
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,163
and salmonella decimated
my father's entire side
148
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,600
of the family
at the annual Easter egg hunt.
149
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,868
Nobody else dies on my watch.
150
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:41,709
Poor guy,
living with all that guilt.
151
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,345
I can exploit that.
152
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,980
* Men.
153
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,482
How come you're not coming over?
154
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,050
I can't. I have Ava.
155
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,485
Why don't you come over here?
156
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,286
I can't. I have Alan.
157
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,988
Oh, for God's sake.
158
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,124
Well, he had
a heart attack, Zoey.
159
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,025
Oh, bollocks.
160
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,927
He's going to outlive us all.
161
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,896
A week after nuclear Armageddon,
the world will be populated
162
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:06,133
by nothing but cockroaches
and Alan Harper.
163
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,870
Wow, that is a side of you
that is not attractive.
164
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,371
It's the lawyer side of me.
165
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,073
Yeah, yuck.
166
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,076
Look, I see these kind
of scam artists all the time
167
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,679
and I don't want
you being taken advantage of.
168
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,581
I am just taking care
of my friend.
169
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:25,052
No, you are providing food,
shelter, and satellite TV
170
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,687
to a cockroach.
171
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,989
ALAN:
Hello, anybody?
172
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,659
Getting kind of hungry
in here.
173
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,294
(chuckles)
Uh, B-Berta, Alan's hungry.
174
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,563
Is his dinner ready yet?
175
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,130
BERTA:
Coming up.
176
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,766
Really?
177
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,200
He gets room service?
178
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,269
Did I ever tell you
about my Aunt Phyllis?
179
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,504
(sighs)
180
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,206
When I was a kid she took me
on a trip to New York,
181
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,841
and we were staying
at the Waldorf-Astoria,
182
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,577
and she didn't want
to wait for room service,
183
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,111
so she headed down
to the restaurant
184
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:55,883
and she fell 24 stories
down an empty elevator shaft.
185
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,987
We never got to see Cats.
186
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:03,190
So you're afraid Alan is going
to fall into an elevator shaft?
187
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,760
Don't poke at it, Zoey.
The wound is still fresh.
188
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,733
(knocking)
189
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,001
Come in.
190
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,205
Did my little buddy save
room for dessert?
191
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,907
I sure did, Skipper.
192
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,542
Good, 'cause I made
your favorite.
193
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:22,843
Peach cobbler?
Yep.
194
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:23,877
Warm with ice cream?
195
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,246
I'll be right back.
196
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,781
I'm not going anywhere.
197
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,116
(chuckles)
198
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:34,187
Okay, let's see
what's on those adult channels.
199
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,523
Avatart.
200
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:38,358
Oh, in 3D.
201
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:39,893
(music playing over television,
knocking on door)
202
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:40,894
Oh, to be continued.
203
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,095
(music stops)
204
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,163
Come in.
205
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:45,833
Hey, you.
206
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,235
Judith, what a,
what a nice surprise.
207
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,503
How are you feeling?
208
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,772
Not bad, all things considered.
209
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,173
Oh, you're so brave.
210
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,809
Now, listen, there's something
we need to talk about.
211
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,878
Look, I know the child support
checks are late,
212
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,380
but, but please allow me
to get back to my job.
213
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,616
(shushing)
214
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,118
(à la Scooby-Doo):
Er?
215
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,354
Forget the
child support.
216
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,389
Er?
217
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,691
You just get better.
218
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,560
I can manage fine
without your money.
219
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,861
All right.
220
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,029
I always suspected as much,
but thank you.
221
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,198
And Herb and I have the
condo in Palm Springs,
222
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:19,767
so you're certainly
welcome to use it
223
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,268
while you're
recuperating.
224
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,070
How can you afford
a condo in Palm Springs?
225
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,238
We made a judgment call
with Jake's college fund.
226
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,776
Anyway, you're
welcome to use it.
227
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,911
Wow, thank you,
th-that's very generous.
228
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,582
Well, look, I know we've
obviously had our differences.
229
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,183
We have.
230
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,619
And I haven't always
been very nice to you.
231
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,254
I just figured
you didn't like me.
232
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,056
Alan, we were married
for 12 years.
233
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,457
You're the father
of my son.
234
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,926
Just because I couldn't
stay married to you
235
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,728
doesn't mean I
stopped loving you.
236
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,063
Gee, it sure felt
that way.
237
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,932
Oh, I'm sorry
for that.
238
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,668
You just get
well, okay?
239
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,403
Okay.
240
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,144
A house in Malibu,
no child support,
241
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,647
free condo in Palm Springs.
242
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,950
Why would anyone want
to eliminate heart disease?
243
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,954
(music playing over television)
244
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,956
Don't worry,
you lovely blue ladies,
245
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,457
as soon
as my right hand is free,
246
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,794
I'll be giving you
my full attention.
247
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,229
(knocking)
248
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,230
Rats.
249
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,431
Uh...
250
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,133
(music stops)
251
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,367
Come in.
252
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,337
How's my man?
253
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,706
Oh, you know, okay
254
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:36,343
for a guy who recently stared
into the jaws of death.
255
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,377
That's why I'm here.
256
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,079
I want to help
with your recovery.
257
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,714
Really, what'd
you have in mind?
258
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:41,882
I-I'm not supposed
to exert myself.
259
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,183
(chuckles)
260
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,853
Don't worry, you don't have
to do a thing.
261
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,622
Just lie back
and I'll do all the work.
262
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,556
Really?
263
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:50,791
Hmm.
Okay.
264
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,125
Uh, let me put
my cobbler down.
265
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,327
No, no, no,
keep it.
266
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:55,295
You sure?
267
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,130
Absolutely.
268
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,599
It'd be rude for
me to eat alone.
269
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,872
All righty then.
270
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,907
(both chuckle)
271
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,142
You got any porn
on this thing?
272
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,411
Uh, gee, I,
I don't know.
273
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,681
(chuckles)
274
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,115
Why don't you check?
275
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,516
Shake things up a bit.
276
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,752
Oh, gosh,
well, I, yeah,
277
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,888
I guess I, I guess I,
I-I could do that.
278
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,990
(music playing over television)
279
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:26,694
Oh, look,
there's some now.
280
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,528
How fortuitous.
281
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:33,333
Now, just relax and
enjoy your cobbler.
282
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,368
Right back at you.
283
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,139
(laughing)
284
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,910
This is the best day
of my entire life.
285
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,783
* Men.
286
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,584
(knocking)
287
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,421
All right, Mr. Harper.
288
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,227
Well, I've got
some good news.
289
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,361
Let me have it.
290
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:04,064
I'm banging my receptionist.
291
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:06,800
I'm sorry.
292
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,369
I... I never get tired
of that one.
293
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,805
That-that's funny,
but, uh, what about me?
294
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,473
No, you don't have
a chance with her.
295
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,543
She likes rich guys.
296
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,447
All right,
back to your, uh, heart.
297
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,949
It's looking good.
298
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,383
Uh, are you sure?
299
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,452
Tests show you've had no damage.
300
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,054
Your cholesterol looks normal.
301
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,156
It's like the heart attack
never even happened.
302
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,557
Oh.
303
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:34,027
And you're not happy about that?
304
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,295
No, I-I am.
305
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,265
Um, uh, is this confidential,
what we're saying?
306
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,067
Think of me as a priest.
307
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:43,636
Except, when I touch your nuts,
it's strictly business.
308
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,574
Okay, uh... uh, uh, here it is.
309
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,877
Um, ever since the heart attack,
310
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,612
uh, my life
has actually gotten better.
311
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,081
Uh, my girlfriend,
my ex-wife,
312
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,783
even my mother
have all been showering me
313
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,117
with love and attention.
314
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,919
Well, they were afraid
they were losing you.
315
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,789
Have you ever had oral sex
and peach cobbler?
316
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,058
At the same time?
317
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,262
Can't say that I have.
318
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,697
Well, I have.
319
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,299
And once my girlfriend
finds out that I'm healthy,
320
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:16,136
I'm back to sucking Life Savers
and humping my pillow.
321
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:19,672
Well, as your doctor,
all I can tell you
322
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,174
is you're
perfectly healthy.
323
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,409
Can I get a second opinion?
324
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,144
Yes, you're ugly, too.
325
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,415
I joke.
326
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,018
Uh, again, as your doctor,
327
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,987
I have to tell you
you're in great shape.
328
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,823
But, uh...
329
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,591
as a guy who's banging
his receptionist,
330
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,627
two pharmaceutical reps
331
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,564
and, uh, on occasion,
his bloated, rich wife,
332
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,599
let me add:
333
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,335
Don't be a schmuck.
334
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:51,438
Lie your ass off.
335
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,273
Thanks, Doc.
That's good advice.
336
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,542
(chuckles)
337
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,112
Hmm.
338
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,884
Jeanine, hi.
339
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,419
Uh, listen, could you
run down to the deli
340
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,655
and pick up a peach cobbler
341
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,524
and meet me in exam room 2.
342
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,000
How'd it go?
343
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:20,868
Good news?
344
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,203
It's bad, Mom.
(gasps)
345
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,704
It's real bad.
Oh.
346
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:27,774
Darling, I am so sorry.
347
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:30,410
Hey, I know what
would cheer you up.
348
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,712
So do I.
349
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,148
No, I was thinking
I could take you shopping.
350
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,116
Come on, now.
351
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,885
There must be something
I can get you
352
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,652
that would turn
that frown upside down.
353
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,955
Well, uh, remember
when I was a kid
354
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:45,125
how I always wanted
to be a cowboy?
355
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,260
I'm not going to buy you
a horse, Alan.
356
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,695
Of course not.
357
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:52,032
Guess I'll just have to be
a cowboy in Heaven.
358
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,270
WALDEN:
Are your eyes closed?
359
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,572
Yep, they're closed.
360
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,781
Open.
361
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,455
You must be kidding me.
362
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,858
It's the safest way for Alan
to get up and down the stairs.
363
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:21,461
Why does he have to get
up and down the stairs?
364
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,031
So he can use my whirlpool tub.
365
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,365
Oh, dear Lord.
366
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,934
He needs it for his circulation.
367
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,902
He said he's starting
to get bed sores.
368
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,238
Then you tell him
to get out of bed.
369
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,841
You don't build him
his own private escalator.
370
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,384
Howdy, pardner.
371
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,122
Ma'am.
372
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,290
Wow.
373
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,558
You look great.
374
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,393
Just checking it
off my bucket list.
375
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,228
What'd the doctor say?
376
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,330
It's not good.
377
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,866
I might have to have
a transplant.
378
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,336
I'm sorry.
379
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,105
Let's just hope that somewhere
380
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,773
there's a baboon
with a healthy heart
381
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,908
riding a motorcycle
without a helmet.
382
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,779
For God's sake.
383
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,581
Excuse me.
I'm going to take a whirlpool
384
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,316
until my masseuse gets here.
385
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,518
You got him a masseuse?
386
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,088
It helps prevent blood clots.
387
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,856
Yeah.
388
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,997
My Uncle Fred
had a blood clot in his leg,
389
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:31,564
and when I was little,
he took me
390
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,001
to the Santa Monica Pier,
and we went on the Tilt-A-Whirl,
391
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,437
and the centrifugal force
shot the clot into his brain.
392
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,873
It was the worst birthday ever.
393
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:44,111
He's seen a lot
of tragedy, Zoey.
394
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,046
Be nice to him.
395
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,388
Mmm.
396
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,157
Too hard?
397
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,692
Nah, dig in.
I like it rough.
398
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,295
Brought your
banana smoothie.
399
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,630
Oh, thank you, Zoey.
400
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,098
Um, would you mind
401
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,767
sticking the straw
in my donut hole?
402
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,737
Oh, I would love to.
403
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,505
Mmm.
404
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,075
Tasty. (chuckles)
405
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,481
I want you to listen
to me very carefully.
406
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,151
You may have everyone
else around here fooled,
407
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,520
but I know you're
full of crap.
408
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:28,888
Beg pardon?
409
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,190
What you do with
your family
410
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:31,891
and your girlfriend
is your business,
411
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,694
but I want you to stop
taking advantage of Walden.
412
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,296
I-I don't know
what you're talking about.
413
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,065
You know exactly what
I'm talking about.
414
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,932
I-I'm sorry. I really
don't know what you're...
415
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,335
You've been warned.
416
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,774
Well, thanks for the...
the smoothie, Zoey.
417
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,242
(door closes)
418
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,910
(chuckling)
419
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,180
That bitch has got to go.
420
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,553
How about that?
421
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,090
Stars really are just like us.
422
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,093
WALDEN:
Alan.
Oh!
423
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,528
Oh, my.
424
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,796
(laughs) Careful.
425
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,898
You don't want
to give me a heart attack.
426
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,433
We need to talk to you.
427
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,302
Oh, yeah, sure.
428
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,372
I'll be right back.
429
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,442
Um, think I left
the tub running, so...
430
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,111
Stop.
431
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,515
Now, get out of that chair
and get down here.
432
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,717
Okay.
433
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,353
The queen has spoken.
434
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,422
(grunts)
435
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,928
My legs are still
a little al dente.
436
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,598
So... (chuckles)
437
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,467
what up?
438
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,171
I'll tell you "what up."
439
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,906
I asked one of the private
investigators for my law firm
440
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,176
to follow you for a few days.
441
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,877
Really?
442
00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,680
Uh, uh, wh-which days
in particular?
443
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:01,714
Well,
444
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,783
this is from last Monday,
445
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:04,984
when you said you were going
446
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:06,886
for a therapeutic walk
on the beach.
447
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,426
(cheering and clapping)
448
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,436
(cheering and whooping)
449
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,442
(whooping)
450
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:38,918
Okay. Okay.
451
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,253
Yeah, yeah, you know...
452
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,622
(stammering):
I can see
453
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,291
how this looks,
454
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,692
um,
455
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,660
but, you know, actually,
456
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,462
there is a-a-a very...
457
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,932
a very simple, uh,
uh, explanation.
458
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,573
(grunts)
459
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,811
Okay.
460
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,679
Well...
461
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,415
we got cobbler
in the kitchen.
462
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,150
(all chatting)
463
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,560
911?
464
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:21,961
Anybody?
465
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,930
* Men.
466
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,968
(music playing over TV)
467
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,040
(TV shuts off)
468
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,558
How long do you plan
on lying there?
469
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,527
Until the shame passes.
470
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,529
So a while?
471
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,030
Oh, yeah.
472
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,932
All right.
473
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,402
Well...
474
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,136
sleep well.
475
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,506
Thanks. You, too.
476
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,445
* Memories
477
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:17,917
* Light the corners of my mind
478
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,321
* Misty watercolored memories
of the way we were... *
479
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:25,525
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
480
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:29,329
and TOYOTA.
481
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:33,800
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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