All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s12e04 - The Customised Inhaler

Ah! Nnh, spla! Ooh!

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Hmm. Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow! Hmm.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I've been
Taskmaster for some time now,

and sometimes children stop me
in the street

and they say, "Why are you so mean?"

And I always smile and I reply,

"Why are you talking to me?
You don't know me.

"Where are your parents anyway?
What are you, feral?

"Look at me. Look at me,
are you crying now, are you?

"Good, get your mum.

"Get your mum
and I'll tell her the same.

"I'm not scared of your mum."

So, let's meet the in-studio
children

desperate for Daddy's approval.

They are Alan Davies, Desiree Burch,

Guz Khan, Morgana Robinson

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And sitting next to me,
a man who once drunkenly told me

that when it comes to childcare,

he doesn't think his wife Rachel
pulls her weight.

It's... little Alex Horne!

Might be the worst one, I think.

How are you?
I'm all right. I'm very calm.

Oh, good, why are you so calm?

I've started meditating.

I'm listening to some motivational
confidence-boosting music.

Can I hear it?

It's quite personal.
Let's have a listen.

I don't know if this will work.

FROM EARPHONES: # Cos he's just
a man called Greg

♪ He's just a man called Greg

♪ He's just a man called Greg
He's just a man called Greg

♪ He's just a man called Greg

♪ He's just a man called Greg
He's just a man called Greg

♪ You'll be the Taskmaster soon... ♪

That's all there is,
that's all there is.

You may well end up being
the Taskmaster soon,

but I promise you this, there is
only one way that will happen

and I will have to die.

Good, right, what have
we got for the prize task this week?

Well, Greg, you've asked them

to bring in the best thing
that has quite a few layers.

Ooh, five points will be awarded

for the best thing with quite
a few layers

and the winner of the episode
will go home

all layered up like the thick leg of
an Arctic explorer

all wrapped up in lovely thermals

from one of those outdoor equipment
shops. Right. Victoria. Yes.

What's the thing you've
brought in with lots of layers?

A poultry farmer. Oh.

Here it is. OK, little toy poultry
farmer with lots of chickens.

Oh, layers! Layers. Oh. Very punny.

It's, it's a joke.

It's a pun, and I love jokes.
And the joke is... Layers.

Yeah, chickens lay eggs.
Egg-zactly! Yeah. They lay.

Oh, you were waiting for that setup.

Yeah. And that's
just got more points.

I assumed you liked humour!

Let's be absolutely clear,
it is a joke. OK.

Where's a thing with a lot of
layers? Here, because they lay eggs.

Da-da! It's a joke. I thank you,
I've decided. OK. Desiree.

What I brought in is
a Nilla wafer pudding.

Uh, it is a banana pudding
with these vanilla wafers.

It's one of those things
that's like my mom used to make.

It's like, you know, like, moms
have a recipe

that has, like, some martyrdom
inside

and it makes it taste extra good?
I don't know how to do that.

So I made my version
and I hope you like it.

Here is her Nilla cake.

Mums have martyrdom inside?

Yes, they have this
sainthood of being like,

"You ruined my vagina and my life.

"Everything I will make you
will taste amazing

"because you can never achieve this
level of sainthood."

I've never sensed that in my mum's
cooking.

Guz. Hello. I mean, you're gonna
crash straight ahead of these two,

I know it. What have you bought in
that's got layers?

I bought a load of my jackets

and I put as many as humanly
possible on Alex.

Here I am in all his coats.

And let me explain why and justify
why I did this, OK? Uh...

Please justify, because I can feel
these people

moving forward on their seats.

What I would argue is that this
show, and possibly your role...

Yeah. ..wouldn't be what it is
without him.

Yeah. And therefore, him, in all my
coats...

Can I tell you? Yeah.

You've just blown it.

LAUGHTER

Pudding's looking real tasty
right now, huh? Yeah. Man.

If someone could tell me a joke

while I was filling my face
full of that pudding...

HE WHISTLES APPRECIATIVELY

Morgana. Vegetable lasagne.

Vegetable lasagne. Here it is.
Right.

Not even one that looks nice.

I like to eat mine in the dark.
OK?

It's creamy, it's comforting. Jesus.

It's delicious. There's no meat in
it because I'm saving the planet.

Yeah. Sometimes the things that look
the worst taste scrumptious.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

I've been saying that for years.
It's rubbish. Good. Alan.

Uh, I have brought in a
wig which was made in the '90s

for a double of me. Here is the wig.
My God!

That really was an absolute
replica of what,

what I looked like in about 1997.
Has it got layers?

It definitely has got layers. And
layers, according to Cosmopolitan,

will make your hair more full
and swingy

and leave you with tresses that beg
to be touched.

Wow.

Ready?

Ready. Yes. OK, I'm
gonna give one point... Right.

..to Morgana's lasagne, because
it was rubbish. Hmm. I'm one?!

I'm gonna give twice as many
points to Victoria's joke,

and I want you to reflect on that.

I'm giving three points to Guz

because you spoke positively
about Alex, and I don't like him.

I'm giving four points to you

because the banana layered cake
looked delicious

and I feel sorry for what you did to
your mum. Yeah.

And finally, just to annoy
everybody,

I'm giving a man who found
an old wig in his attic five points.

That's Taskmaster and if you don't
like it, tough shit!

Five points to Alan Davies. Tweet,
tweet as much as you like.

@ me!

Five points to Alan Davies.
Outrageous.

Right, come on, let's get going.

Yes, well, slow down, speed demon.

Let's just take it nice and easy,
reduce the pace and have a race.

♪ Oh! ♪

Hello. Hi, Guz. You all right?

"Complete the course as slowly
as possible."

I need a wee.

"You must be riding the bicycle
forwards

"within the limits
of the course at all times."

"Every time you put
a foot on the ground,

"the clock will be paused
and your final time will be halved."

That is not very nice.

"If you leave the course or miss an
instruction,

"your time will also be halved

"and the clock will be paused
until you are back in position."

"Slowest wins."

"Your time starts when Alex
fires his starter's pistol

"in five minutes from now."

Alex, is there anything really basic
that you don't know how to do?

What can't you do, Victoria?

I never really learned to
ride a bicycle. Ah.

OK, so... Burst the red water
balloon in this bucket.

Are you joking? I have to do
something as well as riding a bike?

Where is he? Take the hat from the
mannequin

and put it on the other mannequin.
Fun times.

Ah, read the letter.
On a bicycle.

Are you good at cycling?

Well, I mean, I can cycle.

How hard can this be?

You don't have one with
stabilisers, I suppose? No.

I mean, I've seen it done.

It's not like... agh! OK.

Agh! Is it literally...

how long have I got to learn to ride
a bike, a minute?

One minute. One minute.

Aah! But how do you make it stop?

Shit!

Argh! How are you feeling?

Ugh, like I've just been
high-beamed in the crotch, really.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, we can already see that all
five of our mighty contestants

are going to be hilarious doing
this.

There is one attempt that
I am looking forward to

more than the others.

Can you guess who it is? Yeah.

Do you know what, the thing is,
I'm now feeling quite liberated.

Hang on a minute,
before you go off on one,

let me ask you a direct question.
Yes.

Why can't you ride a bike?

I just, I don't know.

We were in central London.

There was a lot of traffic.

I never, I never had a bike.

I mean, the fact that you're
prepared to have a go at it is...

Yeah. Delicious.

And can I just check you're happy
with the phrase

"High-beamed in the crotch?"

I was more than happy with
"High-beamed in the crotch."

Did you have a choice of bike?

Yes,
but that other bike is too small.

I'm gonna look like a bear in a
circus trying to do that thing.

And so I just had to take
the man's bike.

Right, let's go.

OK, well, first of all, we're going
to see Alan, Desiree and Morgana.

On your marks, get set, slow.

OK, good luck, Alan.

Good luck, Morgana. Thank you.

Good luck, Desiree. Jesus.

Your time starts... task.

SHE LAUGHS

This is going way too fast.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh.

Argh!

Oh, it didn't burst. What do I do?

Well, what do the instructions say?

Start again?

Oh, Jeez.

Oh, no!

I've just paused the clock.

It'll be back on when you get to
where you were.

Ooh! Oh!

Third time is totally the charm.

But, no come, come back here.
Oh, God.

OK. All right. OK.

What's going on? I need that hat,
though, aah! OK.

SHE WHISTLES

There's the mannequin.

This is gonna be the first time
I've ever been fast at anything.

Get on there, argh!

Can't reach it, I can't reach it,
I can't reach it.

You're circling him.

Argh!

Stop, you bastard!

Stop.

Aah!

I am a speedy cyclist!

Oh, no. Aah!

I'm a speedy cyclist!

Go away!

I've stopped the clock.

Oh.

Yeah!

I'm a speedy cyclist!

I am a speedy cyclist.

I've stopped the clock.

Thank you, Morgana. Welcome.

APPLAUSE

Throughout the series so far,

I've tried not to be ageist
towards Alan

because I'm a man of a certain
vintage myself,

but I couldn't help but thinking
that's how you ride a bike anyway.

Very much so. Desiree,
I know you were worried

about, you know, being high-beamed
in the crotch

but my feeling was, it was like
ballet watching you. Just poised.

It's never been said about me,

so I will receive it
as though it were sincere.

Morgana, tried to do a little cheat,

little whistle
when Alex's back was turned.

If only we'd remembered
all those pesky cameras.

I can't really tell from the video
how well they did.

So give me some statistics.

Yeah, well, I can tell you

that Morgana made a mistake with the
balloon.

It was meant to be a red balloon.
Oh, man.

I didn't read that.

And she was also fairly
quick on the bicycle.

She did the whole course in 68
seconds.

She made nine mistakes,

so 68 divided by two nine times,

she did the whole course in one
sixteenth of a second. Oh.

Whereas Alan did it in 72 seconds
and made five mistakes.

That divided by two five times is
two and a half seconds.

And Desiree, 84 seconds,
five mistakes,

so she is the slowest so far, 2.625
seconds. Very good.

Time for some adverts now.

Hope there's one

with a rapper selling food he
wouldn't himself touch in real life.

Hello, again. Thank you for joining
us for the second part of the show.

What's been happening, Alex?

Well, I just enjoyed a banoffee
pie-flavoured vape

with the guys outside.

Also, the current task is to
complete our bike course

as slowly as possible.

For the final race
we've got Guz Khan and,

in the interests of contrast,

first-time cyclist Victoria Coren
Mitchell. Here we go.

Good luck, Guz.

OK, brother.

On your marks, get set, task.

Oh.

Aah!

OK, oh. Uh... You haven't crossed
the line yet, it's all right.

OK, all right. OK.

We're off. Ah! Oh, my God,
oh, my God!

I think the trick is constant
motion. Is that how it works?

OK. Aah! I have to pick up a thing?

Yes, please.

But, uh, that's so dangerous.

Right, I'm gonna have to
stop to pick it up.

OK.

Whoo-ha-ha-ha!

Aah, aah! OK, OK.

Come on, there we go.

There, there, ah! Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

I can't, oh.

I was actually psyched
up to drop it in and then I didn't.

I can't do it with one hand.
There we go.

Oh!

OK, OK, OK, there we go.

There... Ah, ah!

Aah! No, I'm sorry.

You can't do this with one hand.

A-ha!

It's too fast. It's too fast.

Put that on there.

I'm a speedy cyclist.

I am a speedy cyclist.

Now I've gotta post it. Aah.

It goes very quickly downhill!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I've stopped the clock.

Is it finished? Oh, thank God.

I've stopped the clock.

Can I try riding it a bit more?
I feel like I've found a new skill.

Ah. Ha!

Do you know, without the stress of
the tasks,

it's actually much easier.

Look at that! Oh, my God! Oh! Aah!

APPLAUSE

Ah.

It's actually quite touching
to see you learn to ride a bike,

and yet I was still hoping
you'd crash into that hedge.

Guz, I thought you were just
magnificent at this task

up until the final pedal technique,
which I'm fascinated by.

The pedalling down, I'm gonna call
it.

Yeah, it's because I had to get off.

It was really hurting and I said it
to him about ten times.

And did he help you? Of course not.
You heard him in the task.

I asked him a question and his
response was "all right",

it wasn't even answering
the question.

I'm intrigued as to what Guz did
because until pedalling down,

he looked like a professional.

He looked good, but he was fast.

64 seconds, he completed the course,
seven mistakes,

so when you do the maths,
his final time was half a second.

OK, and how did the person who's
never ridden a bike before... aw!

She was the slowest time
out of everyone, 95 seconds.

She was stationary for quite
a lot of the time.

Uh, eight times she put the foot
down,

so ended up with 0.124,
just under an eighth of a second,

so she comes fourth.

Morgana is last

but the winner of the task, with
2.65 seconds, was Desiree Burch.

Desiree Burch. Yes. Yeah, baby.

Now, what does that do
to our scoreboard?

OK, well, we've got joint leaders.
It's these two.

Desiree and Alan have nine points.
Lovely.

Let's have another one.

Yes,
and now for a nice round of toast.

Hello, Alan. Hi.
Do you want to go into the kitchen?

Oh, you probably shouldn't stick
that kind of thing in the toaster.

It's a bit dangerous, innit?
It's very dangerous. Eh?

Be very careful.

Is no one checking for, like,
asthma?

There's a lot of danger in here.

Argh!

Oh!

Aah! Jesus.

I don't feel very well.

"Spread jam on a slice of toast
in a really cool way."

"Coolest jam spreading wins."

I've 20 minutes?

"Your time starts now."

Oh, God.

If I knew what cool was,

I would not have arrived at this
point in my life.

Alex, I don't wanna blow my own
trumpet here, brother,

but I think the public perception
of me is that I'm quite cool.

If you are cool, Guz,
what makes cool?

Because honestly,
you looked pretty frightened

when that toaster went off.

Yeah, OK, listen.

I would argue that something popping
out that was on fire at anybody

would make them not look cool.

The time when I was really like,

"OK, I might be cool"
is when I was a teacher.

You were also a teacher. I was.

I was the guy that would
walk in the school in the morning

and the kids'd be like,
"Yes, Khan, wagwan with you?"

I'd be like, "Yeah, yeah,",
this and that.

And when my colleagues came in,

the kids would be like,
"You're a dickhead!"

So I was like, "Yeah,
I'm like the coolest up there

"and everyone else is a dickhead."

It's a fair... it's a fair point.

Good. That does make you cool, being
friends with the children.

Right, let's have a look.
Who are we gonna see first?

We're gonna begin with MorGuz-ha.
MorGuz-ha. Here they are.

Uh, let me do one just
with my natural flavour, OK? OK.

Let me see if you think this is
cool, all right? OK.

That was quite cool then.

You see how I did that?
Flicked it... ow, shit!

That's not so cool that
I burnt myself for real.

I think that's the whole freezer.

In bed with Morgana.

Whoo!

Now? Now!

Wow! Are you ready?

Yes. Just a little more enthusiasm,
my G.

Are you ready? Oh, yes!
Oh, I like that!

So close.

All right, thanks, Morgana.

Cool guys.

Lot of cool going on in there.

Guz said, "Let me just do one
with my natural flavour."

LAUGHTER

Then you, uh, flicked the lid
of the jam jar off. Yeah.

At that point, I was thinking,
"That's not that cool."

Then you burnt your hand.

I was thinking, "Oh, no, that isn't,
no, that's definitely not cool."

And then he shattered my
expectations. Ooh. Ooh.

Because I am surprised

by how cool I found applying jam
to toast with two croquet mallets.

Yeah. That is cool.

I actually did find myself going,
"That's pretty cool."

Um, Morgana, I think
you may have misread the task.

Uh, we wanted you to try
and look cool

while putting jam on some toast.

I think you might have
read, "Have a full breakdown."

I generally have...
I'll have one of those every day.

What was that that you popped down
your top? Cornettos!

That was In Bed With Madonna.
It was a terrible idea.

Well, I was using my cool-o-meter
throughout. Hmm.

I thought "Oh, this is awful.
We probably need to intervene."

Yeah. Up until right at the end,

when you took a little
bite of your pea-covered jam toast.

Yeah, uh...
I thought, "Fairly cool." Lucky me.

Cool as you like.

Let's see some others.

OK, two really cool people next.

They're your classic jam spreaders,
Alan and Desiree.

BELL DINGS

That's cool.
Hey, toast, hey, little toastie.

Difficult to say, really.

It's all in the eye of the beholder,
isn't it?

You know, what's really cool is...

Oh, I love you. I love you
so much, you little beautiful toast.

Ahh.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Fine, get away! I never loved you.

It's always cool to have one pair
sort of in here, isn't it? Yeah.

It's quite cool to have one pair on
top of your head.

Wow.

Oh, that felt really cool.

Oh, yeah, I guess I should put
a political statement up here.

But first, it would be super
cool if her boobies stayed up.

Yeah! All right.

Oh, no!

You'd be hard pressed to
think of a cooler way.

A whole strawberry there. Is there?

I was just mentioning
that for health and safety reasons

cos of the power of this thing.

So all the kids are socialists
these days.

He's swaggering around
the hotel gardens.

Oh, no, he's going to blow leaves.
He's going to blow leaves.

What's the point? But actually...

That!

That is a game changer.

This is temporary.

It's going to rain, but the memory
of what was once there will

still have an impact.

The coolest thing I saw was Alan
ringing that little bell.

Is it cool to spit lick
some jam onto toast?

It felt rock and roll.

I don't think it's going to get you
invited to cool parties.

Oh, get that girl that
spits jam onto toast!

There was a moment
where I thought that Alan...

..that Alan walking round
the garden with three

pairs of sunglasses on with a leaf
blower in his hand and some jam

toast in one hand, I thought, there
is something quite cool about that.

But it was when you started blowing
jam from the blower onto

the toast that you lost cool points.

An anti-capitalist stance is
certainly cool. Yes, right?

I'm not sure the anti-capitalist
stance was driven

home by the toast-titted woman.

Yeah, but you know like sex is still
used to get across messages,

even in politics, you know?

Yeah, well, listen,
who am I to judge, but...

Well, you're the Taskmaster.

Yeah, but who am I to judge

whether a square-titted toast woman
is sexy or not, is what I mean.

Right, let's have another break.

My nan always said someone's always
trying to sell you something.

She was, with the best
will in the world, terrible company.

See you in five.

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster
and to part three.

Hey! I do the numbers,
you cheeky cow.

Sorry, I didn't know that was
going to come out like that!

The task in play sees our five
wannabe winners trying to

spread some jam in a really
cool way.

There's just one hip cat left -
it's Victoria.

My question, Alex,
both about this task...

I mean, it's a question I've been
asking since I was a teenager,
who decides what's cool?

Since you were a teenager,

Greg Davies has always
decided what's cool.

What I think's cool is, you know,
customising your own inhaler.

You know what I mean?
Like having different

glasses for different occasions.

Not necessarily a motorbike.

This is another
thing about cool people.

They're daredevils, aren't they?

They have little
regard for their own health.

My thinking is, right, that, by
using the spade for gardening, look,

it's got some...
And then spreading it like that.

If I eat this toast

and don't think about what might
have been on the spade or the germs

or what might happen to me, a lot
of people would be preoccupied with,

you know, what if they got a bit ill
and they got a bit sick? And not me.

No. Whoa, that was cool!

I literally don't care.

Is it gritty?

I'm not delighted by it.

There's literally a bit of mud!
That's disgusting, but cool, yes.

Thanks, Victoria.

Have you
ever customised your own inhaler?

I have done that, yes.

Oh, you have?
Did you bedazzle your inhaler?

Yeah. You stuck jewels to it? Yeah.

Well, not jewels,
but little glittery stickers.

Oh, Victoria!

But, as you can see from there,
I just, I don't fear death.

In fact, the more this series
goes on, the more I yearn for it.

And that is literally the only
cool thing about me.

Here we go, then.

I am going to put Desiree
and Morgana on two points each.

Although there were cool moments,
the overall flavour was unhinged.

Not cool. Very cool!

All the coolest people are unhinged!

I'm going to give three points just
because of her defiance to the

jam-spreading trowel-wielder that is
Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Three cool points, OK.

Here we go, and just because
he dinged that bell beautifully

and then when he held the leaf
blower for a beat

and looked around the garden as
if he doesn't care what people

think, I'm going to give Alan
an undeserved four points.

Wow. Three pairs of sunglasses,
four points.

And, Guz, undeniably changing
the future of croquet

single-handedly is the coolest
person here, five points, Guz Khan.

There it is. Guz Khan.

Have we got time for one other?

We probably have.

It's probably a team one and
it's probably riddled with tasks.

Hi. Hello, Desiree.

Hello. Hello, Alan.

Where's Alex?

Oh!

Solve the riddle.

ALL: You must all
stay in your rooms.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

Also, you will get two bonus points

if you can make one of your
team-mates say submarine.

You may not say
submarine at any point.

If they think you've tried
to make them

say submarine, you lose two points.

Your time starts now.

BELL RINGS

But the proper etiquette with
riddles is that you tell

someone the riddle.

And then they solve it.

So just, just putting that
out there. Right, I'll...

Suggestion for the suggestion box.

Did anyone else find Alex not
telling you what the riddle

was irritating? Yeah.

The whole thing was a pain
in the arse, this one, wasn't it?

The worst shit I've ever...

Honestly.

So Morgana had her own personal
task in that caravan.

She was mainly meant to make these
two people say the word submarine.

And they didn't know anything
about it. Let's play on.

We're going to see the team
of two first of all.

Here's how our super intelligent
quiz show legends got on.

Hat and a tache.

I've got a really big head.

Solve the riddle.

You may only open me when someone
looks like Charlie Chaplin.

ON PHONE: Hello?

Hello?

Victoria? Ah!

Can you hear me? Ooh, yes.

My task says, "Solve the riddle,
fastest wins."

So does mine.

I've also got a jigsaw
with letters on the back,

a piece of paper with some coded
letters, and an envelope.

Have you got anything?

I've got a bell, an orange,

and attached to my table is a
bowler hat and a moustache.

Can you make yourself look
like Charlie Chaplin and tell me

when you've done that?

Copy that.

Just doing the jigsaw.

I now look like Charlie Chaplin.

Excellent, in that case, I'm
going to look in an envelope.

Copy that.

Inside the envelope is a diagram.

It could be a picture of a room
with an X marking something.

On one side of it,
there's a big square.

To the left, there'd be
an X on the wall.

Sorry, Victoria, I'm
not seeing any Xs.

The X is behind something that might
also be a door or a window.

I've nearly finished
the jigsaw, though.

I mean, it's missing some pieces,
which doesn't help.

So I think you
might have the other half.

AUDIENCE GASPS AND CLAPS

I think I've found
the jigsaw pieces.

OK, I'm going to attempt
to decipher this code.

G must equal T. That'll be L.

Do your edges, do your edges first.

Always a good idea to find
the corners.

What if you haven't got any corners?
Just crack on.

F must be S.

Oh, no,
where's the rest of his head?

What is greater than T?

I bet there should be a comma.

A equals E. B equals L.

Is B L?

Hello, Victoria.

Have you got
a code on the back of yours?

Yes, and I've nearly deciphered it.

Just give me one more minute.

A is E.

And this is something I'm supposed
to decipher? I've got a pen.

I'm nearly done.

I don't know what J is,
but I'm nearly there.

J equals C.

How do you know that?

Because I've got
a code on the back of my jigsaw.

Oh, you've got the early letters!

Have you got E equals Y?

E equals Y.

OK, I think this is the riddle.

What if the answer is nothing?

Does that work?

Alex has nothing,
the Taskmaster needs nothing,

and if you eat nothing you'll die.

Ooh, that's pretty good.

Is nothing the answer?
Do you want me to stop the clock?

Yeah. I've stopped the clock.

Alex has stopped the clock.

Thank you very much.

Well, seeing Victoria
spring into life there

was like watching an athlete
in her prime, I thought.

This is my task, she thought,
and she just got on with it.

Barely stopping to think
whether Alan could contribute.

Which is merciful because Alan to me
seemed to take on the persona

of Charlie Chaplin and just
sort of mooch about the space.

I mean, I have to say, we didn't
think anyone could solve it with

only half the jigsaw,
but she managed to do it.

It's very much a task drawn from
the world of the customised inhaler.

Well done to both.

Yeah, their time was 33 minutes
and 33 seconds.

And there's a lot to work out there,
so that's pretty quick.

Great. All right.

As part three fades into oblivion,
let's hold each other tightly

and remember we're
just made of atoms.

Yes, even me.

See you soon, atom family.

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

In line with the current task,
I've got a riddle for you, Alex.

I work when I play,
and I play when I work.

What am I?

You're six foot eight of
solid manly muscle?

You know it, hot pants!

There is indeed a riddle
task in play.

Can the team of three
with their extra brain complete

the task in less than 30 minutes?

Can Morgana make her team-mates
say the word submarine?

Surely it won't be the longest
task we've ever filmed?

Let's see how they got on.

BELL RINGS

Hello, guys, can you hear me?

What is that sound?

Hello, Morgana, Desiree.

Is that helpful?

Hello, Desiree, are you there?
It's your friend, Guz.

It's my friend who?

Hello, hello, hello?

Hello? Do you have any clues for me?

I've got a jigsaw.

Yeah, why, what you got?

I've got a bell,
a pen and a clementine.

And a jigsaw?

No, YOU have the jigsaw.

Guys, can you hear me?

Hello, Morgs?

Hey, what do you have in your room?

Who, me?

No, we already got your
jigsaw puzzle down, Guz.

Morgana, what do you
have in your room?

I have, you know, like the Beatles.

You have the Beatles in your room?

Like an album?

Yes.

It's yellow.

So Yellow Submarine?

I think that's it, baby.

What have YOU got?

He's just got a jigsaw puzzle,
apparently.

I've got three rubber ducks.
What is that, man?

Or like plastic ducks.

Hello, this is Guz Khan
with information, over.

So it says on the back of this
piece of paper,

"You may only open me when someone
looks like Charlie Chaplin."

Hello, guys.
This is Guz with another revelation.

Would you like the revelation now,
over?

Well, I don't know if I do.

I've just found this glue-on
moustache and a bowler hat.

But what about this revelation,
over?

Sure, just give us
the revelation, then.

So on the back of this puzzle,
there are letters

and an equals sign on some of them.

But once Desiree
looks like Charlie Chaplin,

then we can crack open
this envelope, over.

You can crack open the clue.

Cheers.
Guz with another revelation, over.

And now I have a map of something.

It looks like a pair of doors
and there's an X on it.

Does it look like you can figure
out where the X is located?

Probably not.

I've just had an idea.

Can you put the map out into
the corridor so you're both

technically still in your rooms but
you can show each other your stuff?

Presumably.

Is that the double doors?

OK, so if that's the case,
the X is on this wall.

OK, I'm going to make my jigsaw.

It's here somewhere.

Hold on, I found another puzzle.

Guys, there's been another
revelation in the lab.

So many revelations!

Layers upon layers!

"USVG."

HE READS LETTERS PHONETICALLY

It's like a cypher for kids!

So the letter A equals E.

B is L.

Guz, have you assembled your half
of the puzzle, over?

Sorry, guys,
I'm just temporarily distracted.

Can you just repeat that?
Fuck me in the face!

It said O equals O.

W equals P,
and that is the end of the jigsaw.

I'm not sure it's the end.

I haven't had V -
V for Veronica is...

Who the fuck is Veronica?

V - victory.
What does victory equal, Guz?

Romeo.

V equals T.

How can it be?

How can two things be T?

Can you retrieve his whole
puzzle for me, please?

Zulu equals golf.

Sorry to cut you off, I can send
the Taskmaster's assistant to

just get Guz's half of the puzzle,
if you're OK with that, Guz?

Why didn't we do
that 45 minutes ago?

Yeah, send him.

Give the whole bloody lot,
just in case.

Here, mate.

Oh, you are a wonderful human being,
thank you so much.

Z is G.

OK. Oh, God!

Greater than the T.

A task...

♪ This task is shit

♪ Got four hours to
get to the end! ♪

E...

More evil...

♪ This task is shit! ♪

All right, y'all. I got this riddle.

Are you ready for it?

Yes!

What is greater than the Taskmaster,
more evil than the devil,

and if you eat it you'll die?

What is greater than the Taskmaster?

Nothing. More evil than the devil?

Nothing.

Alex has nothing,
and if you eat nothing you'll die.

The answer to the riddle is nothing.

Oh, my God, you've only gone
and fucking done it!

Literally, this entire hour's
amounted to nothing, you guys!

CHEERING

Well, now, firstly, congratulations
on your bonus points for submarine.

Thank you. It was cheeky, wasn't it?

Secondly, I'm no expert in body
language, but something told me

that Desiree was maybe a little bit
irritated with Guz during that.

As frustrating as that was to watch,
it was 50 times more frustrating

because we kind of quibbled over
how we were even deciphering like

which word to use for which letter,
like there was so much confusion.

Surely Guz helped by
repeatedly contacting you

and saying there's been
another revelation?

Guz, don't get me wrong.

I loved your song.

Which I believe was called
This Task Is Shit.

Yes.

That is exactly what it was called.

It took Guz 41 minutes to actually
find the riddle, which was

just on the table in front of him.
Got there in the end, though.

It was longer than
Beethoven's Ninth,

which changed music
and history forever, of course.

Yeah, of course.

One hour, 33 minutes.

You don't think, uh,
the song This Task Is Shit is going
to hold up against that, no?

So an hour longer than
the team of two.

Wow.

Well, I'm going to give
five points to Alan and Victoria,

and Alan can thank Victoria
heartily for those five points.

So how many points do you want
to give the team of three?

I want to give them two points each.
Two points each.

Morgana gets a bonus two for
submarine, so she gets four.

But Victoria
and Alan get five points each.

There it is.

Quick look at the scores.

Right, Morgana is ten points
behind the current leader, which is

Alan with 18 points.

Right, please leave your seats
behind and head to the

stage for the final
task of the show.

WHISTLING

Hello, everyone. Hello. Hello, Greg.

Hello. Alex, who's going to
read the task out?

Desiree Burch is going to read
the task out, please.

Oh, dear!
It's never been that hard before.

OK. "Get the most
forks in your bucket.

"You may only throw a fork after
a full spin on your chair.

"You must stay
sat in your chair at all times

"and you may not move your chair.

"You have 100 seconds."

So we've got to stay in the chair,
spin and then we've got to throw?

We can't move the bucket,
we can't go to the bucket?

No, and at the end we'll tot up
the forks in the bucket.

If other people's forks are in your
bucket, then you get their fork.

OK. You've got 100 seconds.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

All spin before you throw.

Always a full spin before you throw.

Oh, wow!

Got one in yours. Yes!

Alan and Desiree, straight in.

Lovely. There we go.

Another successful green.

Another green. Ah!

Does one stuck in the floor count?

Greg, I think Alan looks quite cool.

Ah! He does.

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Oh, in! Wow, nice.

Beautiful! Oh!

Lovely. Beautiful.

A lot of greens going in.

Mine keeps bouncing out every time.

Oh, so annoying!

That was absolutely delightful,
Victoria.

Straight in.

Argh!

Ah!

Ah!

WHISTLE BLOWS

That was really good fun.

Again, again, again!

I mean, that is genuinely
the happiest I've seen any of you

so far on this show.

Right, well, come down and we'll
add that to the final scores
and see how you did.

Well done, everyone.

Hello. Hi, Greg.

That was exciting, wasn't it?

So many forks and so many buckets!

Had a lovely old time.

It didn't take me
long to count up Guz's forks.

Bearing in mind, at the end,
he didn't spin for the last five.

Didn't you?

Got a long drive home - I don't want
to get too dizzy, do you know what
I mean?

Fair enough - priorities, innit?

So Guz got two.

Then we move up to Desiree.

There were four forks in her bucket.

Two from her, two from Alan.

Yeah, thank you. Pleasure.
MORGANA: Alan!

Alan meanwhile had six forks in his
bucket, all from his own hand.

Lovely. It's between
Victoria and Morgana.

How exciting.

Morgana got two forks
in Victoria's bucket.

Ah! Lucky me.

Victoria got five forks in her
own bucket, so a total of seven.

Seven forks!

It's enough.

I looked in Morgana's bucket
and I saw one of Guz's forks.

But ten of her own. Wow!

So with an 11 fork total,
she gets the five points.

What does that do to
the final scoreboard?

She may have come
last in the first three episodes,

she has not in this one.

Victoria comes second
and Alan comes first with 21 points.

MORGANA: Yes!

Look!

Alan Davies wins.

Please go
and luxuriate in your many layers.

Whoo!

What have we learnt today?

Well, I read an article
recently that said that

Samuel L Jackson was the coolest
man on the planet.

But did Samuel L Jackson
ever learn to ride a bike
on national television?

I'm fairly sure he didn't!

So what we've learnt today
is coolness is subjective

and everybody can be cool
in their own way, except anyone who

chooses to wear plastic
slip-on shoes.

It's time to say goodbye
but, before we go,

let's recognise the achievements
of tonight's winner.

Once more, oh,
my goodness, it's Alan Davies!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media