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1
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,107
I miss you, too,
but what are you doing up?
2
00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:07,975
Isn't it, like, 3:00
in the morning in London?
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:10,311
Yeah, I've been having trouble
sleeping, too.
4
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:15,183
Alan suggested warm milk
and masturbation,
5
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:18,752
but that's his answer
for pretty much everything.
6
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,188
No, don't worry.
7
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,156
He's not gonna live here
forever.
8
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:25,059
More importantly, uh,
when are you coming back?
9
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:29,363
Ugh! Really, another week?
10
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,831
All right, that settles it.
11
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,301
I'm gonna heat up some milk.
12
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,769
Okay, all right.
13
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,605
Try to get some sleep.
14
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,340
I love you.
15
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:42,776
No, I love you more.
16
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,878
No, uh-uh, I love you more.
17
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,214
(makes kissing
sounds)
18
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,448
(Jake laughs)
19
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,917
(making
kissing sounds)
20
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,785
You got a problem with love?
21
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,021
Uh-uh.
No, no.
22
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,158
Sorry.
23
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,792
Oh, it's Jake and his friend.
24
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:02,296
No, he's not gonna stay here
forever, either.
25
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,066
All right, bye-bye.
Sweet dreams.
26
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:09,403
Sorry, we'll get out
of your way.
27
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:10,571
Nah, that's okay.
28
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,273
What are you guys doing?
29
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,275
Well, we were gonna
play a video game
30
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,544
on the big screen,
but if you're busy...
31
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,511
No, no, come on.
32
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,680
Nice.
Awesome.
33
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,914
Where's your dad?
34
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,350
Oh, he's out with
this guy's mom.
35
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,951
Yeah, they're picking
my grandma up
36
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,986
at the International House
of Old People.
37
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:30,424
I-Hoop.
38
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,426
She's in a rest home?
39
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,562
I guess
they're resting.
40
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,830
They don't move
very much.
41
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,166
Oh, except on pudding day.
42
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,334
Uh, then you could
get trampled.
43
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:43,704
Wow. Your dad's meeting
his girlfriend's mother.
44
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,306
That's a big step.
45
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,175
What's bigger than
boning each other?
46
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:50,077
Shut up!
Come on. We both
know they're doing it.
47
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,945
We've heard them.
Dude!
48
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,782
Oh, Alan!
Oh, Lyndsey!
49
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,251
Okay, quit it,
or I'm leaving.
50
00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:58,386
Okay, fine.
51
00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,553
And I'm taking my game.
52
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,189
I apologize.
Accepted.
53
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:04,091
It's nice you guys have a sense
of humor about that stuff.
54
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:07,127
So many kids of divorce are,
like, so angry all the time.
55
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,163
Yeah, well, it's kind of
hard to stay angry
56
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,332
when you smoke
as much pot as we do.
57
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,334
Truth.
58
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:17,871
When my dad left, I was, like,
really angry.
59
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,006
What did you do?
60
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:20,341
Just channeled my energy
61
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,942
into learning how
to program computers.
62
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:24,378
Made my first million
by the time I was 20.
63
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,614
Oh, that's our
plan, too.
Totally.
64
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,982
Really? What language
do you guys code in?
65
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,884
Java? Perl? C-Plus-Plus?
66
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,020
Um...
67
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,156
Okay, maybe not a million.
68
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,559
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
69
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:42,162
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
70
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,867
(humming)
71
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,436
You're in a good mood.
72
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,737
I am.
73
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,339
Looking forward to
seeing your mother?
74
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,773
Not at all.
75
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,643
I'm high as a kite.
76
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,110
If I'm looking forward
to anything,
77
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,180
it's for that second
muscle relaxer to kick in.
78
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:03,317
I hear you. Unfortunately,
I can't do that with my mom.
79
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,718
I have to stay alert.
80
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:08,155
Dinner with her is like being
trapped in a box with a snake.
81
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,324
(laughs)
My mom's more like a hamster.
82
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,593
They seem cuddly,
but they eat their young.
83
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,395
Can't wait to meet her.
84
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:15,563
Oh, you'll love her.
85
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,531
Everybody loves her.
86
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,867
She's sweet, shy and charming.
87
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,403
Unless you happened
to come out of her uterus,
88
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,738
then you're part
of a balanced breakfast.
89
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,173
That bad, huh?
90
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,909
Yeah, and it's gotten worse
since my dad died.
91
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,678
Oh, she must have loved him
very much.
92
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,012
Nah, hated his guts.
93
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,814
She tried to kill him once.
94
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:34,915
You're kidding.
95
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,049
Yeah, they were playing golf.
96
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,351
He gave her a swing tip.
97
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,353
She hit him on the head
with a pitching wedge.
98
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,854
A-a pitching wedge?
99
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,256
It was the right club.
100
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,191
They were about 90 yards out.
101
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,528
Anyway, when he finally died
years later,
102
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,897
she decided
he was the love of her life,
103
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,231
moved into
a retirement community,
104
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:54,268
and put a "gone fishing sign"
on her hoo-ha.
105
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,605
Okay, guess I shouldn't
mention golf during dinner.
106
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,172
Mm.
107
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,109
Or fishing.
108
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:05,012
Yeah. You might also want
to stay away from politics,
109
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:05,813
religion or The Price Is Right.
110
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:06,780
The Price Is Right?
111
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:07,781
She misses Bob Barker.
112
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:08,949
Hates Drew Carey.
113
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,318
Oh, really?
114
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,052
I think he's a wonderful breath
of fresh air.
115
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,687
Do not say that.
116
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,991
* Men.
117
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,226
See, he's right
behind you!
118
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,794
Ah!
He's right
behind you!
119
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:21,929
Move! Move! Duck!
120
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:25,265
Ah, ah, don't worry, Junior.
I got this!
121
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,267
Aah, crap.
122
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,136
Watch and learn.
123
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,639
Man, I used to be a lot better
at this.
124
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,674
I guess
I'm just out of practice.
125
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,476
That's 'cause
you got a girlfriend now.
126
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,511
Yeah. Your thumbs
have gotten weak.
127
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,881
That's why
I choose to be a bachelor.
128
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,350
Yeah, that's why.
129
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,987
So, what's the deal
with you and Zoey?
130
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,356
Are you gonna marry her?
131
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,458
I don't know.
I mean, I love her and all,
132
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,393
but I just got out
of a marriage.
133
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,495
Do I really want
to be back in one?
134
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,029
Hell, yeah.
She's hot.
135
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,498
It's not about how hot she is.
136
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,700
Oh, thank you, Jake.
137
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,235
It's about whether
she stays hot.
138
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,542
I mean, plus, there's some
serious stuff to consider.
139
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,445
She has a daughter,
so I'd be a stepdad.
140
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,581
My stepdad's a pretty cool guy.
141
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,683
I mean, he's always
slipping me money.
142
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,118
I think he feels bad
about replacing my dad.
143
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,721
Or about banging
your mom.
144
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,722
Shut up!
145
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:24,458
Mm, doesn't feel
so good, does it?
146
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,727
That's what
your mom said.
147
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:31,465
All right, can we please talk
about something other than sex?
148
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,834
Yes.
Okay.
149
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:36,269
But for the record,
I'm not a virgin.
150
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,205
Good to know.
151
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,408
Neither am I.
152
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:43,210
At least I think I'm not.
153
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,945
It was dark.
154
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,480
Could have been just leg.
155
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,950
But that still counts.
156
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,351
No, it doesn't.
157
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:52,553
Right?
158
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,087
Listen, if he thinks
he got laid,
159
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,222
what difference does it make?
160
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,191
Thank you.
161
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,760
* Men.
162
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,028
Mom, this is Alan.
163
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,463
Alan, this is my mom Jean.
164
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:03,831
Hi. Nice to
meet you.
165
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:04,965
How are you?
166
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,500
Uh, good, good.
167
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,402
Although I-I got to admit,
I'm-I'm a little nervous.
168
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,638
You know, I hope Mom likes me,
you know?
169
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,972
Relax, Alan.
170
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,206
When it comes to men,
171
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,776
Lyndsey has never
set the bar very high.
172
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,911
What's that supposed to mean?
173
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,247
I'm just saying that
you've always gone
174
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,249
for quantity
over quality.
175
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,917
It's a choice.
I'm not judging.
176
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,052
(sighs)
Oh.
177
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,488
Come on, muscle relaxers.
178
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,824
So, Alan,
do you have children?
179
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,060
Uh, I do.
I have a son.
Mm.
180
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,462
That's good,
181
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,864
'cause even if Lyndsey
could bear another child,
182
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:40,233
I'm not sure
that would be the smartest move.
183
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,102
Mom!
184
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,403
Tell the truth.
185
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,272
Do you want another one
like Eldridge?
186
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:47,741
Let's just change
the subject.
187
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,711
Does anybody want
another Eldridge?
188
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,347
How are things
at Sunset Village?
189
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,550
Same old, same old.
190
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,719
Well, actually, some
of the same old died,
191
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,387
so we got some new old.
192
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,355
Oh. Oh, that's awful.
193
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,791
Not really.
194
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:06,393
If you get to their condo
before the relatives,
195
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,562
you can score
some great stuff.
196
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,831
Oh, Mom,
you're not saying...
197
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:13,166
How do you think
I got this lovely sweater?
198
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,670
It certainly wasn't
a Mother's Day gift.
(scoffs)
199
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,405
(laughs)
Well, uh,
200
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,709
if it comes up,
I'm a 40 regular.
201
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,976
(laughs)
202
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,517
So, Mom, do you want to do
anything special this weekend?
203
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,819
I'll be happy doing
whatever you want.
204
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:34,387
Oh, well, I-I thought maybe
tomorrow we could have lunch
205
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,791
at the Santa Monica Pier,
then go for a walk on the beach.
206
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:40,060
Oh, okay.
207
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,763
We don't have to.
208
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,264
No, that's fine.
209
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,834
I'm not afraid of
homeless people.
210
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,738
You know, your
daughter's a good lady.
211
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,006
You did a great
job with her, Jean.
212
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,508
Thanks.
213
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,710
But it was touch and go
for a while.
214
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,781
She told you about her
show business career, right?
215
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,616
Seriously, Mom? Really?
216
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,085
What? It was a
very nice movie--
217
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,354
if you like pornography.
218
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:11,158
Okay, I-I saw it, and-and
it wasn't pornography.
219
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,694
Well, it wasn't Mary Poppins.
220
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,567
So,
221
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,368
you guys graduate this year,
right?
222
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,502
I do.
223
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,604
I do, too.
224
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,238
Well, that's what
you said last year.
225
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,776
Yeah, but now, they're one
more year sicker of me.
226
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,179
So what are you gonna do now?
227
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:35,315
Well, we were hoping
we could work for you.
228
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,653
Doing what?
229
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,724
We'd be, like, consultants.
230
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:47,494
And what would you
be consulting about?
231
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,730
Well, that would be
our first consultation.
232
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,568
How about this?
233
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,737
We could tell you
what kids these days are into
234
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,306
and then develop killer apps
to target that geographic.
235
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,043
Demographic.
236
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,578
No, Republican kids, too.
237
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,479
Mm.
238
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,952
All right, Consultants,
239
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,187
tell me some of your app ideas.
240
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,323
Okay, well, you know, uh,
241
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:20,227
when you take a picture of
your junk and send it to a girl?
242
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,197
Um... no.
243
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,667
But I understand the concept.
244
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,971
Okay, okay, well, this app
makes your junk look bigger.
245
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:33,707
And you can customize it.
246
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,010
You can customize your junk?
247
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,112
Yeah, you know,
like silly hats,
248
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,148
glasses, little messages.
249
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:44,217
"Wish you were here."
250
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,020
Get it? Get it?
251
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,689
Yeah, I get it.
252
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:51,992
So, it's like Photoshop,
but for your junk.
253
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:55,395
We call it Junkshop.
254
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,530
It's a good name.
255
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,033
What do you do
if you already got big junk?
256
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,502
Oh, way ahead of you.
Tell him about Boobshop.
257
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,305
All right, you know
how girls always complain
258
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,675
about one boob being bigger
than the other?
259
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,248
Oh, thank God,
she's asleep.
260
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,050
I don't think
I can last four days.
261
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,752
Every word out of her mouth
pushes my buttons.
262
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,821
Yeah, I saw.
She's like a ninja mom.
263
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,756
She sneaks in,
destroys your will to live,
264
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,491
and then,
disappears without a trace.
265
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:25,625
So I'm not crazy?
266
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,094
Oh, no, not at all.
Oh.
267
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,929
In fact, it kind of makes me
grateful for my mom.
268
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:29,897
What do you mean?
269
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,031
Well, there's no sneaking
270
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,365
and stabbing in the back.
271
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:33,734
She just walks right up to you,
272
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,102
and hits you in the face
with a lead pipe.
273
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,269
(laughs)
274
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,304
I wonder what would happen
275
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,639
if we put them
in the same room together.
276
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,108
Uh. Momageddon.
277
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,475
(laughing)
278
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:45,979
Although... it wouldn't be
the worst idea in the world.
279
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:46,680
What?!
280
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,015
Well, think about it.
281
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,549
They're around the same age,
they're single,
282
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:52,552
they're both deeply disappointed
in their children
283
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,488
and their children's children.
284
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:56,857
They might hit it off.
285
00:10:56,924 --> 00:11:00,060
And if they did,
it might give us a break.
286
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,494
You know what? Tell you what--
287
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,764
I will call my mom
and try to set up a dinner.
288
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:04,865
Oh, Alan,
289
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,633
that would
be wonderful. Mm.
290
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,201
I owe you one.
291
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,804
You still owe me one
from my birthday.
292
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,906
(sighs) Well...
293
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:15,075
if she wasn't here,
I'd be steering this car
294
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,444
with the back
of my head right now.
295
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,750
Looks like she's
sleeping pretty good.
296
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,254
Oh, what the hell?
Scoot your seat back.
297
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,958
ALAN:
Yay!
298
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,500
* Men.
299
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,469
Hey, what you doing?
300
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,670
Absolutely nothing.
301
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,138
I'm bored out of my mind.
302
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,174
Oh, well, Lyndsey and I
are having dinner with our moms.
303
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,208
You're welcome to join us.
304
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,143
A two-mom dinner?
305
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,144
You can say no.
306
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,913
No. God, no.
307
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,181
I get you.
308
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,582
I don't want to go, either.
309
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,751
Why are you
doing it?
310
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,252
Are you thinking
about getting married?
311
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,654
Um, to answer your questions
in reverse order:
312
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,857
not at the moment and oral sex.
313
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:04,925
Night.
314
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,864
Oral sex.
315
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,133
Time to warm up the old milk.
316
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,535
Oh, great, Amy.
317
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,771
We'll be there.
318
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:18,872
What's going on?
319
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,107
Just got invited
320
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,875
to a slammin' party
in the Valley.
321
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:22,910
Cool.
322
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:25,012
Can we borrow your car?
323
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,983
Uh, all right, let me think.
324
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:34,054
Two potheads want to borrow
my $100,000 car
325
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,689
to go to a slammin' party
in the Valley.
326
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:38,859
Sounds like a no.
327
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,027
Wait, wait, wait.
328
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,494
Let's hear him out.
329
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,530
It's a no!
330
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,766
I'll give you guys a ride.
331
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,268
Oh, sweet.
Thanks.
332
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,870
What you got going on
with the water?
333
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,139
Oh, we had another idea
for an app.
334
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,875
Let me guess-- Sinkshop.
335
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,143
Oh, no, no.
336
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,345
Okay, imagine the app
is on my phone.
337
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,813
All right.
Go ahead.
338
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:00,881
(inhales deeply)
339
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,682
JAKE:
Now, all I do
340
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:05,218
is press this button,
and our app will tell you
341
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,555
exactly how long you can
hold your breath underwater.
342
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,428
That's clever.
343
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,396
Thanks.
344
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,231
How is it different
than the stopwatch
345
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,599
that's already
on your phone?
346
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:20,968
The what?
347
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,536
See this
little clock?
348
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,573
Oh.
349
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,976
Damn.
350
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,311
How long?
351
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,483
So this is nice, huh?
352
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:37,384
Lovely.
353
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,785
I can't remember
how long it's been
354
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,021
since the last time
you called me to have dinner.
355
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:42,522
Oh, come on. It hasn't
been that long.
356
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,392
Oh, please.
Jake was still cute.
357
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,861
Guess it has been awhile.
358
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,396
So what's up with this dinner?
359
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,531
Why are you finally allowing me
to meet your girlfriend?
360
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,133
First of all, I wasn't
disallowing you
361
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,701
from meeting her;
I was just, uh...
362
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,070
avoiding it as long as possible.
363
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,273
Uh, but things
are more serious between us now,
364
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,641
and I thought it might be nice
365
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,543
for you two
to get to know each other.
366
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,113
All right.
And her mother might come along.
367
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,347
Her mother?
368
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,681
Yeah, she's, uh,
in town visiting.
369
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,018
I thought you two
might hit it off.
370
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:15,288
Alan, you know
I don't like old people.
371
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,225
I do know, but you'll like her.
372
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,893
She's young at heart,
like you.
373
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,896
I'm young everywhere--
all the parts.
374
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:23,997
Sure.
375
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,332
What I haven't replaced,
376
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,834
I've had tightened,
bleached or trimmed.
377
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,769
Got it.
378
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,638
So where's
the old biddy live?
379
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,906
Palmdale.
380
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,909
Palmdale, ech.
381
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,177
Is she married?
382
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,311
Uh, widow.
383
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,512
How'd her husband die?
384
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,647
Heart attack.
385
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,748
Boring.
386
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,652
She did actually try
to kill him once.
387
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,753
Oh.
388
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,488
Well, at least we have
something in common.
389
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,826
Sure you gave me
the right address?
390
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,095
Yeah.
391
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,764
1478 Amy Lane.
392
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,599
Wait a sec.
393
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:03,370
Isn't Amy Lane the name
of the chick having the party?
394
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:09,276
It may not be Amy Lane.
395
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:15,215
But we're on
Amy Lane.
396
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:18,151
An amazing coincidence, huh?
397
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,321
Is there somebody
you guys can call?
398
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,123
I mean,
I can call Amy Lane.
399
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,426
If that is, in fact,
her real name.
400
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,828
(thud)
401
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:34,667
Evelyn, Alan tells me
you do a lot of traveling.
402
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,203
Yes. I love it.
403
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,006
The classical architecture,
the exotic cuisine,
404
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,707
the uncircumcised men.
405
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,342
(gags)
406
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,377
Although one could make a case
407
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,513
that falls under
"exotic cuisine."
408
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:50,783
(whispering):
Just like you and
Alan in the car.
409
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,590
Do you guys travel much?
410
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:58,825
Not anymore.
411
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,095
But when my husband was alive,
we went everywhere.
412
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,798
Six Flags, Epcot, Dollywood.
413
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,134
Charming.
414
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,901
Real globe-trotter.
(chuckles)
415
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,239
Speaking of which, I once slept
with Meadowlark Lemon.
416
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,042
Let me tell you,
417
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,411
basketballs weren't
the only thing he could spin.
418
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,915
(whispering):
I'm so sorry.
419
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,385
I hope this is it.
420
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,187
They have a balloon
on the mailbox
421
00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:28,988
that says party.
Mm.
422
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,957
(doorbell rings)
423
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:35,228
Yeah?
424
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,430
Uh, is this
where the party is?
425
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,300
Oh, you saw the balloon, huh?
426
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,035
Come on in.
427
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,436
Okay.
Oh, hang on.
428
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,238
Hang on. Excuse us.
429
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:47,840
Don't you pay attention
in health class?
430
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,109
What are you
talking about?
431
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,910
Stranger danger.
432
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,382
No, he seems okay.
433
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,884
You guys like to wrestle?
434
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,586
Let's book it, dude.
435
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,921
Yeah. Walden!
Don't go!
436
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,426
Always a bridesmaid.
437
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,403
Really, Alan?
438
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,540
Why don't I get this?
439
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,943
Well, you got to admit
my plan worked.
440
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,479
They hit it off and left us
pretty much unscathed.
441
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,915
Plus, thanks to your mom,
my mom can now go back
442
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,351
to her retirement community
and show all her girlfriends
443
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,686
what happens
when you Google "Santorum."
444
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,588
(both laughing)
445
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,825
Lyndsey, will you take me
to get a tramp stamp?
446
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,227
What?
447
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,829
It's a cute little tattoo
right here.
448
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,097
Evelyn has one.
449
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,265
You do?
450
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,799
I got it in Singapore.
451
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,936
The Chinese characters for:
"Thank you. Come again."
452
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,040
All right, well,
we're done here.
453
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,242
Why don't we head home?
454
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:56,776
I don't want
to go home.
455
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,811
Evelyn says there's a place
right down the street
456
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,913
where they have music
and dancing.
457
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,649
Oh, I don't think so.
It's getting kind of late.
458
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,717
Yeah, we both have
to work in the morning.
459
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:05,718
I don't.
460
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:06,919
Neither do I.
461
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,755
Why don't you two fuddy-duddies
run along
462
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,124
and let Jean and I
have some fun?
463
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,692
How will you get home?
464
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,061
Alan, I made it from Brunei
to Morocco with nothing
465
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,964
but the clothes on my back
and a tube of lubricant.
466
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:21,601
I think I can get us
from Tarzana to Sherman Oaks.
467
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,003
(giggling):
Isn't she a hoot?
468
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,773
All right,
if you're sure.
469
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,008
Let's go.
470
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,544
You think we'll find
some cute fellas to dance with?
471
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,546
Oh, Jean, Jean, Jean.
472
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,815
We're not going
to dance.
473
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,420
* Men.
474
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,822
Should have written
the address down, dude.
475
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:43,723
I did write it down.
476
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,425
She must have told it
to me wrong.
477
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,093
Or maybe you
heard it wrong.
478
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,097
If only there was an app that
could capture the spoken word.
479
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,032
(button clicks)
480
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:56,736
(on phone):
If only there was an app that
could capture the spoken word.
481
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,772
Don't mock us, man.
482
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:00,473
(button clicks)
483
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,576
Don't mock us, man.
484
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,946
Hi, Jake.
485
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,448
Hi, Eldridge.
486
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,883
Hey.
Hi.
487
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,719
I bet they were
at the party.
488
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,588
Yeah, maybe they can
tell us where it is.
489
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:16,789
Oh, good thinking.
490
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:17,990
I'll text 'em.
491
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,595
Wait, I don't have
their numbers.
492
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,399
Man, we're never going
to find this party.
493
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,636
Okay.
494
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,939
Let me ask you a question.
495
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,543
If you had made it to the party,
what would you have done there?
496
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,111
Try to hook up
with some chicks.
497
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,922
Why don't you hook up with them?
498
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:54,661
Right there--
that's why you're rich.
499
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,999
Would you mind very much if
we, you know, blew you off?
500
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,269
I would worry about
you if you didn't.
501
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,404
Bye.
Later.
502
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,739
ELDRIDGE:
Hello, ladies.
503
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,008
JAKE: Mind if we
hook up with you?
504
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,782
* Men.
505
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:16,949
Morning.
Morning.
506
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,351
Oh, morning.
507
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:19,586
You and Evelyn have a
good time last night?
508
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,187
Fantastic.
Mm.
509
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,755
I adore your mother.
510
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:25,224
(chuckling):
That's only because
you just met her.
511
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:28,695
I don't know, I think I got
to know her pretty well.
512
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,230
Good morning,
darling.
513
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,467
Hi, Peaches.
514
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,675
Once again,
I'm so, so sorry.
515
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,844
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
516
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,613
and TOYOTA.
517
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:49,516
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
518
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:57,590
* Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh *
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men, men, men *
519
00:20:57,657 --> 00:21:00,460
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men *
520
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,729
* Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh *
521
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,231
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men, men, men *
522
00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:09,101
* Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh *
* Men, men, men, men,
manly, men, men, men *
523
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:16,309
* Ah... *
* Men.
35891
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