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-Hey, Shelly.

I got this thing you sent me.

It's pretty good.

It tastes like cinnamon
or almonds.

One of the five.

So, what you doing over there?

Standing around with your butt
between your legs?

Shelly's in Los Angeles.

City of Angels.

That's far away.

Dad says it's a shithole.

-♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪

♪ What I'm going to say ♪

-I'd love to,
but I'm running late.

-♪ Christmas Eve
is coming soon ♪

♪ Now, you dear old man ♪

-Come on.

-♪ Whisper what
you'll bring to me ♪

-You're strong,
beautiful goddesses.

This is effortless.
Remember to breathe.

-♪ When I'm fast asleep ♪

♪ Down the chimney
broad and black ♪

♪ With your pack you'll creep ♪
-You look different.

Girl, I got my eyelids
Botoxed.

-I knew it. You look so good.
-Thank you.

I no longer have
peripheral vision.

-Give your cat a natural diet

like it would have in the wild.

Give your cat a natural diet.

Give your cat a natural diet

like it would have in the wild.

Try our all-beef perfect bl--
perfect blend.

Give your cat a natural diet
like it would have in the wild.

Try our all-beef
"purrfect" blend.

-That was honestly beautiful.

-You really think a cat could
take down a cow in the wild?

-We'll let you know.
-Hey.

Did I see you the other night
at the Comedy Factory

doing, like, improv skits?

-Yeah, that was me.

-You're really funny.

You should think about
doing that for a living.

-Thanks.

I'll consider that.

Can I get an Impossible Whopper
with,

no cheese and no mayo?

Sorry.
My window doesn't work.

Hey, guys.
Welcome to the show.

We are Rock, Paper, Laughter.

Happy holidays.

-What ever happened
to Merry Christmas,

you harlot?

- It--
- it's still a thing, sir.

This is just a way for us to...

You know what? Never mind.

Who's heard of improv?

Fantastic.

-♪ Becky wants a picture book ♪

♪ Yellow, blue, and red ♪

♪ Now I think
I'll leave to you ♪

♪ What you give the rest ♪

♪ Choose for me,
dear Santa Claus ♪

♪ You will know ♪

♪ The best ♪

- My God.
- It's been a hell of a day.

I've got one for the board,
though.

-Let me hear it.
-Okay. It's a good one.

"Elaine, 45,
beaten down by life.

Not attractive, but not ugly,
just plain.

She is quick to anger,

definitely not athletic.

-That is so perfect for you.

My God. Thank you.

God, I hate auditioning.

I just want to do live shows,
you know?

Well, how was yours?

Well, I got bumped...

...for a guy who dresses up
like a hot dog

and then does
a hot three minutes

about whether a hot dog
is a sandwich or not.

- What?
- And then Mr. Corduroy

with the husky from Tinder.

We were supposed to
meet tonight.

Of course he ghosted.
-So you just stayed home

watching murder shows?
-Obviously.

I cannot wait
to get out of this town

and see my folks and just...

Shit, hon. I'm sorry.

-Dude, just 'cause
my family sucks

doesn't mean
you can't enjoy yours.

I was actually thinking
about it today,

and I realized that
the one and only thing

that we can all agree on

is that Toto is the best band
of all time.

-Weren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?

What? No.

Sorry.

I've -- I've obviously
offended you.

- It's okay.
- You know, we're turning

into the craziest
kind of roommates, right?

My God. Are you kidding me?

In just a few short years,

we'll be firmly
in "Golden Girls" territory,

and then all I gotta worry about
is nights out at the Lions Club

and dating widowers.

-Dude, I would murder to bang
a widower right now.

Gross.

Well, there are young widowers.

-That's true.
-But you want an old one.

-I want an old one,
like, brittle

and, like, easily influenced.

I cut the crusts
off his sandwich.

Gross.

Fuck.
-Hey, Shell!

We never seem to be on
the same schedule these days.

I miss my sis.

Miss da sista.

Anyway, look,
I know it's been a few years

since you came home
for Christmas and everything,

and so I figured
you're probably not planning

on coming this year either,
but...

-Here we go.
Manipulation in three, two...

-Well, Dad had a fall,
and he's not doing good.

I really need your help.

Anyways, the real reason
I'm calling

is 'cause I finished
my screenplay

and it's already in your inbox.

It's seriously so good.

And I'm super into thinking
about my brand right now.

Would you describe me as

"The Crow" meets
"Legally Blonde"?

-What about Dad?
You want to get back to that?

-Things here are crazy.

We also need
to talk about Mark.

Who's gonna take care of him?

So either come home for a visit
or call me.

Also, most importantly, don't
forget to read my screenplay.

-Fuck.

-♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

♪ What a time to have
some fun riding on the sleigh ♪

-Welcome to Atlanta, where
the local time is 9:17 a.m.

Thank you for flying with us.
-♪ Dancing down a snowy path ♪

♪ And singing all the way ♪

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ It brightens the spirit
with fun being had all around ♪

♪ The sparkling sound of bells
when you hear it brings joy ♪

- Five.
- ♪ Jingle bells ♪

-Five more sleeps
until Christmas.

-♪ Come along,
we'll have some fun ♪

♪ Riding on a sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

♪ What fun, what fun,
what fun ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪ What fun we'll have
Christmas Day ♪

Yes, Phil?

-Michelle!

Did I just see you
on Rodeo Drive?

-No, Phil,
I'm in Atlanta right now.

-The Peach State. I love it.

Hey, do you have, like,
a reel of funny characters?

-That's, like,
the only thing I have.

Great, because, "SNL" is looking

for a new cast member
in a hurry.

They are desperate
and they're looking for women.

And, you know,
both those things --

very much in your favor.

-"Saturday Night Live"?
Holy shit.

-I don't know if they're
looking for, like, fat funny

or like, you know,
skinny sexy funny.

But, hey, either way,

great time to be a woman
in comedy.

Okay...cool.

-So, um, things
will move pretty fast.

We have to stay
in constant communication.

Get me that reel of you
doing funny characters.

All right? And -- And please,

very funny.
-You got it.

Wait,
one more thing, Phil.

That's my sister,
but it's fine.

- I'll just call her back.
- Call me back after.

I promise I'll pick up.
-Are you sure, Phil?

'Cause for a guy whose job it is
to answer the phone,

like, you never do that.

-No, that's not true.
Look, I'll prove it.

I will pick up immediately.
It won't even ring.

-Okay, thanks.

This couldn't wait?

I'm like a block away
from the house.

- Is everything okay with Dad?
- Yeah.

He's just stockpiling
canned goods in his shed.

-How exactly is he doing that
if he's hurt from his fall?

I'd say his injuries
are mostly psychological.

-Andrea, you told me that
he wasn't doing well at all.

-I meant mentally.

- My God!
- I'm gonna kill you.

Okay. What was so urgent

that you had to blow up my phone
while I'm driving?

-So I have this great idea
for a new screenplay.

Imagine, like, a really
gritty reboot of "Garfield."

Like...what's he willing
to do for that lasagna?

-Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.

-Fuck!

-♪ First Noel, the... ♪

♪ Poor shepherds in fields
as they lay ♪

Fuck.

-♪ In fields where they ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night ♪

-She's a fucking screenwriter
now?

W-Who even knows about Garfield
and fucking lasagna?

"I hate Mondays."

What the fuck? Jesus Christ.

- My God.
- ♪ Noel, Noel ♪

-The star returns!

-Would you just help me
with my bags?

-The ones in the back
or the ones under your eyes?

Seriously, though,
did you not get any sleep

on the plane or what?

-Please, just cool it.

-Somebody's in a good mood.

-Just help me
with my stuff, okay?

Okay.

-Service with a smile.

It's good to see you.

-Yeah, it's good
to see you, too.

Did you read my screenplay?

-You sent it to me yesterday.

-I know, but I thought
you might have read it

on the plane since you obviously
didn't get any sleep.

-What the hell
are you back for?

Hi, Larry.

-Good to see you, Larry.

Is it good to see Larry?

I don't even like to see Larry.

Ol' Larry, who farted too hard
in the fourth grade

and everybody called him
"Shit Pants Larry"

till he was 25 years old.

What are you dirty punks up to?

-You're my age, Larry.

Why do you gotta act
like such an old man?

-For some of us, time exists!

All right? I age.

Gracefully. Naturally.

Unlike you Hollywood pedophiles.

-We went to kindergarten
together.

Don't antagonize him.

-Just stating the facts.

-Before we go in,
we should talk.

I need you to help me to
convince Dad to sell this place.

-Why would I do that?

-So we can use the money,
you know,

to set him up someplace
with more support.

And Mark. I don't know.

-What are you talking about?

-Dad can't take care
of this place anymore.

He can't take care
of himself or Mark.

We're gonna have to
figure something out.

-Okay. I'm just gonna stop you
right there

because you've lost a little bit
of credibility here.

So I'm gonna go in and assess
the situation for myself.

-Okay.

-I mean, it's not that bad.

-Are you kidding?

-Just needs a little bit
of straightening up.

My God.

Okay, whatever.

My God.

My God.

-Hey! What the...?

Shelly!
-Hey, bud!

-I've missed you so much.
-I know. Me too.

-Why'd you turn off my food?

-You can't put tinfoil
in the microwave, man.

-I always do.

I can see that.

-Where's Dad?
-He's in the shed.

Stacking water.
-So he's okay?

-He's gotten really into
the whole doomsday thing.

Shit.

-Survival drill!

Time to lock down our shit!

-It's the end of the world!

Aaaaah!

-Get all of the INCH bags!
All of the INCH bags!

-Hey, Dad.

Hi -- Hi, honey.

Good. You're -- You're here.
Help me with this.

With what, exactly?

-Come on. Come on!

-Dad, Andrea said
you had a bad fall.

-I tripped. A tiny bruise.

She's like a one-woman
episode of "This is Us."

-You're okay? Like, really?

-With environmental destruction,

return to fascism,
overpopulation,

society's being
pushed to the brink.

It's only a matter of time

before we break down
into bands of roving warlords.

-So you're okay?
-Nobody's okay.

-What a heartwarming thought.

-Everyone have
their radiation pills?

-Wait, so this is
a nuclear-attack scenario,

and your number-one concern
is camouflaging the shed?

-Do you have your INCH bags?
-What the shit is an INCH bag?

-It's an acronym.

It stands for,
"I'm Never Coming Home."

-Yeah.

It's kind of like
whatever bag you packed

the last time you left.

-Wow.

Okay.

-Sick burn, Dad.

-You know what?
Give me a break, Mark.

And Dad, chill out.

And for the record,
if the world were ending,

this is the last place
I'd want to be stuck.

-Same.
-Same.

-All I want is
for you all to survive.

-The only threat
to my survival at this moment

is that I'm considering
killing myself

because this conversation
is so insane.

-All right. What are you
gonna do if there's a fire?

-Put it out.

-I mean specifically
in this house,

what steps are you
going to take?

-I don't know.

-Right here,
there is a lock box,

and it is full
of fire-safety equipment.

You have to work like a team,

or we will all burn to death.

There's a fine line
between survival

and the coroner sifting through
our charred remains.

-The fuck, Dad?
-So, Andrea, you are going

to get the keys.
-Sweet. I got the easy job.

-Michelle, you open up
this bad boy,

and you hand out the equipment.

Mark, you are going to get
the fire extinguisher,

and you just spray the shit
out of everything.

-Aye aye, Cap'n Butthead!

-The keys are gonna be
right in here, got it?

-Got it!
-Got it.

-Any questions?
-I have a question.

Why does this box
need to be locked?

I mean, isn't it wasting
valuable seconds in this inferno

we suddenly find ourselves in?

-I need a beer.

-Yeah, me too.

-I don't think
casual day drinking

is a good example
to set for Mark.

-Hey, stop being so dramatic.

Why don't you just take
your stuff up to your old room?

It's an office now.
The couch opens up.

-I'm being dramatic?

You just described
in great detail

how we're all gonna
burn to death.

-Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.

-You see what I'm saying?

-I don't know. Maybe.

Just give me a minute, okay?
-You got it.

No talking by me
for 60 seconds starting...

now!

-Hello?
-Hey.

Shit. What's going on?

-I can't tell if my idiot sister

is blowing things
out of proportion

or if there's really a problem.

So I'm staying
through Christmas, I guess.

I'm gonna try
to figure everything out,

and then I'm flying right back.

-Good, because it is fucking
blowing up out here.

I mean, motherfucking "SNL."

-Yeah. Somebody got fired?
-Yeah. Apparently

some cast member made a joke
about Chinese democracy.

-Shit.
-Apparently they want

a new woman right away,

so everyone is going in for it,
even me.

-Well, good luck to us both.

May the odds be ever
in our favor.

-You are such a nerd.

-There, Shelly.
Let me help you.

-Thanks, Marco.

I can't do this right now.

-It's like this.

-Did you do this?

-Hey, man.

Why are you squeezing me
so tight?

Four more sleeps
until Christmas.

-Mark, what the hell?

I'm still sleeping.

-Oops. Sorry.

-No sorry. Just leavey.

-Hey, you want to sing
our Christmas song?

-No, Marco.
I'm still on LA time.

I want to sleep. Get out!

-Geez.

You don't gotta
fart my head off.

Good morning, Shel.

-Hey, Dad.

You know,

I'm really glad you're here.

-Yeah, thanks. Me too.

Look, Dad, how you doing?

Like, really?

-I ever tell you about
my friend Michael Buddle?

-Only every time
we've ever spoken

for as long as I can remember.

-He was a really good actor.

He was also very smart.

We met at college.

-Yeah, I know, Dad, but, like,

how was everything
around the house and stuff?

-Eventually he dropped
out of college

because he wanted to pursue
acting full-time.

-Because, you know,
if you need help

with anything,
you could tell me.

-I told him it was a mistake.

Of course, he didn't make
much money from acting.

Well, you know how that is.

-That is so gross.

Did Fox News tell you
to eat that?

-That's conservative media.

I'm a libertarian.

-What's the goddamn difference?

-I believe in global warming.

I just don't want the government
to do anything about it.

-Wow.
-So do you want to hear

what happened to Michael Buddle?

-He got sick.
-He got sick,

and he didn't have
any health insurance.

So you know
what happened to him?

-He died.
-His heart exploded.

The doctor said if only
they had caught it sooner.

-You know, Dad, to me,

that story is
more of an indictment

of our broken health care system
than anything else,

because I know it is
certainly not life advice

from a man who is drinking beer
and raw eggs for breakfast.

-All I'm saying is
people make choices,

and depending
on what those choices are,

they sometimes die.

-Okay. Um...

Maybe some holiday decorations

will increase morale
around here.

Do you have
any Christmas lights?

-No. Your mom
took them when she left.

-I'm gonna get some,

because if this is potentially

our last holiday in the house,

we should do it right.

-What the hell
are you talking about?

Andrea seems to think

that you need
to get rid of this place.

-Yeah, well,
Andrea answers the phone

in a Shakespearean accent,

so maybe we shouldn't put
so much stock

into what Andrea says.

-Yeah, but --
-This is my home!

I bought it.

I have lived here for 30 years.
Mark, too.

We are not gonna leave just
because Andrea thinks we should.

-Yeah, I know, but --
-I am not some sick old man!

I still have plenty
of fighting years left.

They will take this house
from my cold, dead hands.

-Okay, then.

I'm gonna go for a run
and pick up some stuff

on the off chance
that anybody cares!

-Nice! I didn't know you ran.

Runner's high, am I right?
-No.

The runner's high is a myth,
just like the female orgasm.

Got it. Can I have one of those drinks?

-Sure.

-Thank you.
-So I talked to Dad.

-Yeah, I-I know he's against it,

but you gotta understand...

Boy, that is spicy.

-It's a sparkling water.

-It's got some kick.

-Okay, so what do I gotta
understand?

Damn, that is spicy as hell.

-Are you done?

-Okay. Yeah. Um...

So there's, like,
a financial component, right?

Like, property taxes
and whatever else.

And he's behind, so they're
gonna take it from him.

And obviously that's not
gonna go over well.

So I figure he should
just make the decision

on his own
and cash in while he can.

-Maybe you could float him
a few bucks?

-No!

Especially because
I don't think he and Mark

should be alone
in this house anymore!

-Okay. God!

Keep it down.
Every conversation

doesn't need to be
an Oscar-winning moment, okay?

-I don't know
what you're talking about.

-But if there's a financial
component, I mean, that's that.

It'd suck balls, but there's
nothing you can do, I guess.

-We also need to figure out
what Mark's gonna do, right?

-Yeah. Look, let's just take it
one thing at a time, okay?

And we'll figure it out.

-I love you.

You're a good sister.

-I-I'm gonna go
put the groceries away.

I'm the dog...

-Hey, Marco, I'm going
to get some Christmas lights.

You want to come with me?
-Nah.

-You can get your picture
taken with Santa.

Wouldn't that be fun?

-Santa's not real.

You sound retarded.

-What?!

Where did you hear that?

Well, don't say it anymore.
It's a bad word.

-You say "bitch."

-When I say "bitch,"
it's different.

Like, I'm taking it back.

God.
I gotta go back to LA.

-Okay. Okay.
I was just kidding.

-Why does everything have
to be so impossible?

-Santa's real.
Let's go get a picture.

-You just said
Santa wasn't real.

-I was just tricking you.

-Okay, you knucklehead.
Let's go.

-♪ Ooh, Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

-The only way you can get
your present this year

is if you say
one nice thing about each other.

I love you. You're the best

sister in the world.
. That's a --

-You too!
-That's a good one.

You will get your presents,
I promise.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

I'll see you next year.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Next!

Here we go.

Hell no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

My balls!

Okay, big guy.

What do you want for Christmas.

-Tickets to see Toto.

-Aren't they, like,
one-hit wonders?

-No.
-Okay, well, what about

something more realistic?

-A job.

-A job?
-Yeah.

-Okay, I'll see what I can do.

I got a buddy
who runs a Hooters.

-Or!

-Or?
-A girlfriend.

-You want a job
or a girlfriend?

-Yeah, but not both.

-Well, why not?

-I can't handle that much
responsibility.

You and me both, brother.

-Let's hurry it up, hotshot.

-♪ Up on the housetop
reindeer pause ♪

♪ Out jumps
good old Santa Claus ♪

♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys ♪

♪ All for the little ones,
Christmas joys ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go? ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go? ♪

♪ Up on the housetop
click, click, click ♪

♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪

♪ Down through the chimney
with good Saint Nick ♪

Well, shit!

Come on, you little...

fuckers!

-How's my awesome sister doing?

-Well, I just spent two hours
putting these goddamn lights up,

and the cocksuckers don't work.

-Have you tried
plugging them in?

-Yeah.

Tell me you have weed.

-Let's go.

-Hey.
-Yeah?

-Should we invite Mark?

-Isn't that, like,
an ethical minefield?

-He drinks beer.
Is it that different?

-Yeah, and you don't think
he should drink beer.

-It just seems unfair.

You know, like,
it's just another thing

that he misses out on.
-Yeah.

-Only in this case, it's not
from society or whatever.

It's from his sisters.

The ones that should be
looking out for him.

My God. Okay!

-Okay?

-Okay.

-There you go.

Take it easy, man.

Don't be a hero.

-I have to be a hero.

It's my job.

-Well, definitely beats
selling life insurance.

-What is that supposed to mean?

-It means I hate my job.

-Well, having some money
has got to take the edge off.

-Your career is cool.

-Do I look rich or famous
to you?

-You're both just lucky

that mom didn't come home
for Christmas.

-Yeah.
Isn't she in the Florida Keys

with her Parrot Head boyfriend?

-Yeah, but she keeps
threatening

to come home for a visit.

-She's weird and loud.

And when she gets mad.

She is the master
of ripping people apart.

-She can act so classy,

and then, like,
her inner demons come out.

You little bastards
smoking weed back there?

-I called the DEA!

Yeah, I called them.

I looked them up
on the Internet!

-You should turn on
the Christmas lights.

-Well, they're fucked, so...

-Did you try plugging them in?

My God. Yes, I did.

-I think there's a bad bulb
somewhere, and that's why.

-I don't think
that's a thing anymore.

-I can guarantee you it is.

-Well, they're brand-new.
-Doesn't matter.

-Well, look, I'm not an expert
in electrics or whatever,

but I just heard that
that wasn't a thing anymore.

That's all I'm saying.
-And I can tell you

that wherever you heard that
from is wrong.

-O...kay?

-I'm not trying to be a dick,
but I promise you that

if there's a burnt-out bulb,
the whole strand won't light up.

And that's for sure
what's happening here.

-You can't use this one.
It doesn't work.

You gotta use this one instead.

-You're both wrong, Shelly.

-Thanks. I got it, Mark.

Who the fuck is that?

- I knew it!
- What?

-Hi.
-He's been getting sex workers.

-Prostitutes?

- What do you think?
- My God.

-Although the preferred term
is sex worker.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

-I didn't think they did that.

-Well, some do, some don't.

It's really case by case.

It's tough to generalize.

-How do you know so fucking much
about this?

-Can you finally admit that
things are fucked around here?

-Shelly.
-I mean...

-Shelly!
-What?!

-It is tough to generalize,
Shelly.

-Okay. Christ!

Is she bringing her own

Christmas stocking
into our home?

-He's completely lost it. See?

-Fine. You were right.
I was wrong.

-Thank you.
-But there is no way

that we can sell the house
in the condition that it is now.

So tomorrow is go time.

- Did you get a callback?
- My God. Yes. Did you?

-Yes! Aah!
-Holy shit.

What if we're in the cast
of "SNL" together?

-You do realize we're competing
for the same spot, right?

-Shut up. Don't even
put that out there.

- My God.
- What was I thinking?

This is absolutely the year
that middle-aged women

take over comedy.
-I love you.

I gotta put my tape together.
-Bye.

-Bye.

-Three.

Three more sleeps
until Christmas.

-You gotta stop coming in here
so early, man.

-Maybe you shouldn't
stay up so late

smoking the devil's lettuce.

Look at me. I'm Michelle.

I love to smoke weed.

I also do crack and cocaine.

-Hey, Dad?

I was thinking today we could --

My God.

What is happening?

-What does it look like?

-Yeah, but...why?

-Because taking sexy pics
is like planting a tree

or buying a house.

-What does that even mean?

-Best time to do it --
10 years ago.

Second best time -- right now.

10:00 a.m. on a Sunday.

Okay.

-What the hell is this?
-It's an air horn, Dad.

It's a beacon to millennials
everywhere.

-That's my people.

-All right, we gotta get
this place cleaned up.

-Why?
-So that every day isn't like

living in a frat house
full of hoarders.

-We like being
frat-house hoarders.

-Okay, well, look,
I've got a job for everybody.

Where's Anj?
-In her house, where she lives.

-Well, I guess I have a job
for you, too, then.

-This is Sharon.
And we are busy.

-No, we are not. We can help.

-Hi. I'm Michelle.

- I've heard so much about you.
- For God...

-Can we please not be
garbage people for one day?

-We like being garbage people.

It's our destiny.

-Well, but you want
a Christmas tree

and presents and stuff, right?

-Yeah.

-Okay, well, there's nowhere
to put one right now,

so if you help me clean up,

Dad and I promise we'll get you
a Christmas tree.

Come on, guys.

You know she's right.

- Okay. Okay.
- I'll do it!

-Dad, are you in?

-Well, I'm outnumbered
and backed into a corner,

so yeah.

-Fuck you!

-♪ Hey ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we know our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la,
la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la,
la la la la ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la,
la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la,
la la la la ♪

-Is that where
that thing's staying?

-Yeah.
-It's kind of low.

-Well, you should easily
be able to see it

and walk around it.

-It's huge.
-Well, if it's so huge,

it should be easy to avoid.

-Okay.

It's fine. No problem.

-See you soon.
-Have a great day.

-Hey, can you give me a lift
to the tree place?

I'm not supposed to drive
since the DUI.

I think "by not supposed to,"
you mean "prohibited by law."

-Yeah, whatever.

Dad is...

Is that woman a prostitute?

-Hey, look at this tree here.

Dad.

-Is that woman a prostitute?

-Who? Sharon?

-Yes, Sharon.

I wasn't sure
who you were referring to

because you didn't use her name.

-Is Sharon a prostitute?

-Sharon?

I don't know.

I mean, to me, she's,

more of a friend, I suppose.

-Well, do you have sex with her?

-Yeah.
-Do you pay her cash?

-Venmo. But sure.

-Okay, well, then I think
that you should know

that your definition
of a friend

is the exact same
as a prostitute.

-She prefers the term
sex worker.

-Again with the sex worker.

Look, Dad, I just don't think
it's a good influence on Mark.

-He's a grown man.
-With developmental delays.

-That is such a bullshit excuse.

-I don't think I need
an ironclad excuse

to ask you
to not be fucking hookers.

-Hey, come on, man!
Sex worker.

-Around my brother
with special needs.

-Well, you've suddenly
become big on family values.

For someone who stopped
coming home

for Christmas for no reason.

-Do you know what you said
to me last time I was here?

Quote, "Enough with
the comedy thing.

Time to do something real."
-I never said that.

The fuck you didn't!

-Sorry. She's from Los Angeles.

-So I said, you know what?

I'm not gonna go home
until I can prove him wrong.

-Well, you're here.
You've done it.

-No, Dad.

I didn't do it.

I do shitty improv gigs
for 150 bucks.

I live in a tiny apartment.

You were right.

That's what makes me
so fucking mad.

But I'm close.

Like, closer than
I've ever been before.

And I just want everybody
to be okay

and to have Merry Christmas.

But I'm worried about you guys.

I just don't have space
in my life

to take care of you and Mark.
I just don't.

-We're fine. Okay?

Michelle, you really gotta
get your shit together.

Hey, my man!

We want this tree.
-That one?

That's a crappiest tree
on the lot, but it's all yours.

-Hey, that's the weirdest,
most pathetic little tree

I've ever seen in my life!

-Up yours, Larry!

Weird things need a home, too,

you steaming sack of shit.

-Good to see you, Larry.

-Bye! Hope your home
is marked by plague.

-♪ It came upon
a midnight clear ♪

-Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.

Leave a message.

-♪ That glorious song of old ♪

-This place looks so great.
-Yeah, I know.

It should be easy
to get it listed now.

-Yeah. We just have
to get Dad on board.

-Yeah, I'll talk to him again.

I just gotta find
the right moment.

-So...

any luck with my screenplay?

What? No.

-I'd just love any notes
you might have.

- Yeah?
- Well, not notes per se,

because it's completely done,

and I'm not open to making
any more changes,

but I'd love
any positive feedback.

Yeah, I'll, read it as soon
as I get a chance.

What's the genre?

-It's a powerful family drama,

but with as many laughs
as a straight-up comedy.

-Cool.

-It's the first part
of a trilogy.

-Ambitious.

-Think you might get
a chance to read it tonight?

- Please?
- No, I-I can't tonight.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna try
to call and meet with my agent.

-I've been meaning to ask you --
what's your agent like?

-I don't know.

I mean, he just basically
gets me, like, auditions

for bit parts and shows
about cops and doctors.

Like procedurals
and stuff?

-Like, imagine any show
that has an action sequence

set to music by the end.

You can't make a show good

just by adding a song
or whatever.

Totally. It's like,
"no, we don't have

a dramatic climax for the story,
so,

let's do some slow-mo music."

It's so dumb!

-Yeah, the industry
is totally fucked.

I was watching
"Handmaid's Tale,"

and then a commercial
for Weight Watchers came on.

-Ew.

Why were you watching
with commercials?

-That's just the glamorous life

of being a struggling comedian
in Los Angeles, I guess.

-You could always
come back to Atlanta

to do shows, you know.
-Yeah, right.

-Plus, you know, help out
with family stuff.

-Yeah, well, I'm just here
to get everybody settled,

and then I'm back to LA.

-Well, we're cheering for you.

-There actually is something...

potentially big, maybe.

-There you go!

And you know what?
You're gonna get it.

And you want to know why?

Because you're talented as hell.

-That's really kind.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go try
to crash out early.

-Okay.

Good night.
-Good night.

Let me know if you get
a chance to read my screen...

-Hey, it's Phil.
You know what to do.

Leave a message.

-Two more sleeps.

-I was just dreaming about
a very satisfying romance

with a gingerbread man.

I gotta get this. Get out.

Phil?
-Michelle, it's Phil.

-Yeah, I know.
Did you get my stuff?

-Yeah, and I sent it along,

and I gotta say...
they loved you!

-Really?
-Yeah!

They wouldn't shut up
about you.

They kept going on about
how amazing you were.

It was the best audition
they've ever seen.

-Well, that's good, right?

-It's fantastic.
It's unbelievable.

It's incredible.

But they did ultimately decide
to go with,

this TikTok star called, Karen Cassady.

She's in her 30s,
bit of a better look.

I mean, I looked her up,

and she is beautiful
and super funny,

so, you know, no shame
in losing to Michael Jordan.

Right?
But, hey, you know what?

We'll get the next
prime-time,

sketch show on network TV.

You know, there's like
a million of these things...

You know that's got like
a million calories, right?

-I like it!

-Hey, hon,

I ever tell you my story
about my friend Michael Buddle?

-Not today.

The lady emerged
from slumber.

-No!

-I am taking two Xanax
and I'm going back to bed.

I will see you all tomorrow.

It's 11:30 in the morning.

-Good night.

-Only one sleep left
till Christmas.

-Just gotta give me one morning

where this isn't how I wake up.

-You want to sing
our Christmas song?

-No, Mark, I just woke up.

Dad says you can have this --
this thing if you want.

Christmas is finally here!

Santa rules!

-Jesus Christ.

Hey, bud.

What are we thinking
for Christmas dinner?

You know, we should probably
make a list

and get to the store
before it gets too busy and...

What is going on?

-What?
-This is not okay, Mark.

What the hell's going on?

-This.

This is going on.

It's fine.

-Yeah, it's fine.

-In what world is this
not a big deal?

-This world.
-Mark!

-There is no yelling
in this house!

-You are supposed to be
setting boundaries for Mark.

This is completely
inappropriate.

-And you don't shame him.

He's exploring his sexuality.

-He's watching porn
on the family television.

-You do not get to waltz in here
and make him feel bad

for doing something
that's completely natural.

-Natural? Yeah.

Yeah. Animals watch each other
have sex all the time.

I love a good old-fashioned
squirrel gangbang, Dad!

-In this house, we are allowed
to do anything we want

as long as we're not
hurting anyone.

-Yeah, we do what we want.
-Okay, great.

Well, you know what
I want to do?

This.
This is what I want to do.

Don't fucking hurt anybody.

This! See?

I'm not hurting anybody, am I?!

There you go. System works.

Do whatever you want.

-I want to watch porn.

-Well, you can't.

'Cause the Grinch here destroys

everything that makes us happy.

-Well, maybe the Grinch
wouldn't be so mean

if the Who people weren't
constantly singing about

what a piece of shit he is!

-That's a really good point.

-I am leaving

while I still have my dignity.

-Hard to believe
she's still single.

-Aah! Fucking damn it!

Fuck.

Ho, ho, ho!

You're gonna wind up on
the naughty list, little girl.

-Just...give me a break.

I brought my
stuff so I can spend the night.

Just like old times.

-I'll be in in a minute.

How'd that thing
with your agent turn out?

- Terrible.
- Shit. Sorry.

I guess you won't be in
slow motion anytime soon?

I'm in sloooooooooow

motion.

I brought my baaag.

Okay.

See you inside.

See you inside.

Damn. What happened
to the cable box?

-Hey, you still using
that star decoration,

or can I have it?

Unless it's too broken,
'cause then I don't want it.

-I just want to have
a nice Christmas, Larry.

Is that too much to ask?

I don't fucking think so.

So I'm gonna let this
fuel me, Larry.

I'm gonna let this
power me through

to make a nice fucking dinner

so we can have one happy memory

to stack up against the mountain

of bullshit, Larry.

Do you hear me?

-I didn't hear
a single word you said.

Yeah, I lost most
of my hearing to, polio.

My parents let me have it.

Can I get the star decoration,
though?

Do you mind tossing it
over the fence?

I'm really tired from stripping
copper piping from the hospital.

Where are you going?

-♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye, O come ye
to Bethlehem ♪

-So obviously no pressure
or anything, but...

any chance you've gotten
to read my screenplay yet?

- No, sorry.
- I haven't gotten to it yet.

Of course. No worries.

Do you think you'll read it
tonight or...?

Um...

I don't know. Maybe.

-'Cause I'm just super excited
for you to read it.

-Yeah, no, I know.

You know, I'd probably
be reading it now

if I didn't have to
get dinner ready.

-Really?
-Yeah, of course.

Well, then I-I can
take care of dinner from here.

No, it's too much.

-No, seriously.

I got it from here on out,

if you want to go
give it a read.

Um...

Okay.

-Awesome.

Sounds good.

All right.

Here I go.

-♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come ♪

-"The Pennyworth Chronicles
Volume One."

God help me.

198 pages?

For fuck's sake.

"It was no normal house

that the Pennyworths had built

atop that hill
in the middle of London.

But mind you, the Pennyworths
were no normal family.

Love?

I don't know.

What is love, really,

but a four-letter word
for pain?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the mystery
of electromagnetics.

And as the rain pours down
on the hull of the spaceship

where they stand,
he kisses her gently,

but in a rush, like the waves
kiss the beach on a calm day.

Waves that made her vagina
tingle.

It was the house.
It was always the house.

The secret wasn't in the house.

The secret was the house.

And as the children
watched the forest burn

along with their dreams,
the flames lighting their faces

like the lamps
on an ancient stage,

they knew that the worst of
them had the most to lose,

but the best of them
would never let go.

And somewhere in between,

they finally answered
the question --

What is a Penny truly Worth?"

"Fin."

-It's the best thing
I've ever read.

What the fuck?!

-Done already?

It takes most people four hours

because I rarely use
paragraph breaks.

It's really good.

Well, did you think
it was too much

how I turned the twins
into cyborgs?

-No, it's perfect.

You broke all the rules
and still made something...

amazing.

-I'm so glad you liked it.

And dinner's almost ready.

You look so pretty.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go set the table.

You're setting the table?

-Gotta make things
look nice for dinner.

Duh.

-Okay, good.
I'm gonna go get Dad.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, can you lift this
up here for me?

-Yeah.

- Dinner's ready.
- Excellent.

I am going to go ham
on some turkey.

Hey, Dad...

About earlier...

I'm sorry.

It's not up to me what you do,

what either of you guys do.

It's just...

I don't know.

I think I'm just
putting my shit onto you,

and I'm not even here anymore.

That's not fair.

I shouldn't be like that.

I guess I just miss you guys,
and I'm afraid you and Mark

are gonna devolve
into a "Grey Gardens" situation

if I don't do something.

And I'm
afraid I'm wasting my life

and I don't know
what to do anymore.

And I just, um...

I don't want to fight with you.
I'm sorry.

-Hey, hey, come on.

-Hey, about -- about this
morning with the TV thing,

the -- the porn thing.
-You don't have to --

No, I'm not gonna
apologize.

-Okay.

-I just want to
tell you a story.

-All right.

Yeah.

When your mom
was pregnant with Mark,

um, you girls were still
very little,

and...

doctors were just starting
to test for the genetic markers

for conditions
like what Mark has.

So, we had
some routine tests.

Then, we were brought back
for some more,

and then we were
brought back for even more.

Till finally, this doctor
comes in and he goes,

"I'm sorry.

The results are in.

Your baby has
a developmental disability.

I'm really sorry."

And I remember he just kept
saying he was sorry.

And then...

he told us to prepare
to terminate the pregnancy.

- My God.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

It was right then I knew
I was not gonna let my son

apologize for his life, ever.

He's not sorry. I'm not sorry.

Nobody needs to be sorry.

There's not a fucking thing
to be sorry about.

-What'd you say to the doctor?

-I told him to go back
to Nazi Germany

with his final-solution
bullshit.

Then I punched him
in the clavicle.

- The clavicle?
- Yeah. It's a stunt movie.

It was a beauty.
I wish you'd been there.

I am just so goddamn proud
of you little fuckers.

The three of you are the best,

the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

And with the comedy thing,

I-I know you're not
where you want to be.

I am so proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

And, I know you don't want
to take my advice.

-That's not true.

No. Yeah, that's totally true.

-Yeah, well, listen.

Do not let anyone
control your happiness.

Okay?
Once you do, they've got you.

-Okay.

-Okay.

You know you gotta sell
the house, Dad.

I know.

I know.

Hey, what do you say we,

we go shotgun
some cranberry sauce?

- Okay.
- Okay.

And so then the guy says,
"Doc, how long do I have

to stop masturbating?"
And the doctor says,

"Well, at least till
I finish the examination."

You're not funny.

-Hey, come on.

What do you think Michelle
gets her humor from?

Certainly not from your mother.

-What she lacks in humor,

she makes up for
with rock-hard fruitcake.

Do you remember
when Dad dressed up

like an elf for mom?

No.

That's -- You're misremembering.

-Yeah, we would always have
pancakes before presents.

We gotta do that this year.

You know,
when I was cleaning up,

I saw that costume.
It's around here somewhere.

-No!
-It is.

- Dad!
- ! Sounds like we're doing

elf pancakes this year.
-Yeah, you wish.

-Now, if we could just get it
to snow on Christmas

for once, we'd be set.

That's not gonna happen.

-Yeah, all we've got is Dad's

dry, dead bushes
in the backyard.

-Hey.
-Sorry, Dad.

-Why, God, whyyyy?

-Whyyyy, God?

-I'll tell you,
if there is a God,

I'm gonna get them to answer

for the total lack
of fucking snow, trust me.

-This conversation just took
a weird religious turn.

-All right.
Weird religious angles

are what
the holidays are all about.

And mindless consumerism.

-I think it's all about
everybody

and everybody's weakest goals.

-Everybody and their
weakest goals?

-Yeah.

-I don't know what that means.

Okay. Like...all right.

I-I'm trying to get into
"RuPaul's Drag Race."

I can't do it.
It's just not grabbing me.

-Okay. All right.

So my weakest goal is that
my New Year's resolution

is going be to lose two pounds.

-Um, my weakest goal is
to finally unpack my bag

from when I flew
to Cincinnati last month.

-Now you guys are finally

getting what Christmas
is all about.

-I say Christmas is about
you kids remembering shit

I told you to do
for once in your goddamn lives.

-I changed my mind.

Christmas is all about

singing Christmas songs.

-What? I-I've never
heard of this before.

-I knew that was coming.

-But we gotta do it tonight.

-I'll go start the fire.

- No!
- Okay.

-If there's one thing
this family can agree on,

it's that Toto's "Hold the Line"

is the greatest song
of all time.

-♪ It's not in the way
that you hold me ♪

♪ It's not in the way
you say you care ♪

♪ It's not in the way you've
been treating my friends ♪

♪ It's not in the way
that you'll stay till the end ♪

-♪ It's not in the way
that you look ♪

♪ Or the things that you say
that you'll do ♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-♪ It's not in the words
that you told me, girl ♪

♪ It's not in the way
you say you're mine ♪

-♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

-♪ It's not in the way
that you came back to me ♪

♪ It's not in the way
that your love set me free ♪

-♪ It's not in the way
that you look ♪

♪ Or the things that you say
that you'll do ♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

-Will you please
shut the fuck up?!

-Merry Christmas to you, too...

asshole!

Hey, look who's here.

-Nice job on guitar.
-Thanks.

-You guys wanna...?

-Hey, yeah, sure.

-Yeah, but I gotta get
some rolling papers

from the store first.

-Ooh, pick up some wine
while you're at it.

-Mark, you want to come with?

-Duh!
-Okay.

-Help!

My God. Help!

I told him that we shouldn't.

-Shouldn't what?

Fuck.

Come on.

Yes. Hello.
My father collapsed.

-Yeah. I knew it was a bad idea.

That's what I'm trying
to find out right now.

What happened?
-We were trying something.

-W-Were you having sex?
-I guess we were about to.

-Well, now isn't the time
to -- to be shy.

Whatever it was,
you gotta tell me.

What were you about to do?
-The anal pile driver.

-On Christmas?!
-He said that's what

the holidays were all about.

- My God!
- And he really loves it.

-Okay, I got it.

-But it takes strength
and finesse.

-Understood! Thank you!

-He used to be able
to do all those things!

-Jesus Christ!
Why are you still talking?!

Um, yeah, my father collapsed
while he was having sex.

Please hurry.

-Awful habit.

I always bite my nails
when I'm nervous.

Wh-What do you do
to cope with stress?

-I don't know. I, um, get high.

Then I get drunk and...

then take a Xanax.

Repeat the cycle until
I feel better or I pass out.

-Well...

I-I guess everyone has
their own little quirks.

-What happened?!

-So Dad had liver failure.

-Those fucking beers.

-Mark, I need to talk to you
about something, okay?

-Okay.

-Dad needs to have
a blood transfusion.

-Okay.

-And they don't have the right
kind of blood for him

right now at the hospital.
Do you understand?

-Yeah.
-But you actually have

the right kind of blood
to be able to give some to Dad.

-Okay.
-So would you be okay

if the doctors took
some of your blood

and then gave it to him?

-Okay, I can do it.

-Don't worry.
It won't hurt at all.

-Okay. I'm gonna find
the doctor and let her know.

-Michelle?
-Yeah?

-After I give my blood to Dad...

-Yeah?

-...how long until I die?

-About 15 minutes.
-What?

No, she's just joking!

You don't die after
giving your blood.

-That's good.

-You would have done it
without question.

You're the bravest of all of us.
You know that?

All right, enough of
the Hallmark Channel moment.

I'm gonna go see
if I can find the doctor.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't fucking apologize.

-Goddamn it, Dad.

-There is someone here who can
help you with handling --

-I'm not in charge here.

We gotta get out of here.

I said I don't want
to talk about it right now.

-You can't do that with every

serious conversation
that comes up.

-Yeah, well, sorry.

I've got a career that I've had
for awhile now,

and it's important to me.

You just love
to just drop in and drop out

whenever you want,
and the rest of us

have to stay here and clean up.

-Do we have to figure it out
right now?

-Yes! Someone has to start
taking care of him

right a-fucking-way, so I don't
see how this can wait.

-Okay, well, we'll sell
the house,

and then you can use the money
to figure out --

-It's not about the money!

It's about the work!
It's about showing up!

-What am I supposed to do?

Get some fucking lame job
that I hate, like you?

You are so selfish.

-I didn't have kids
for a reason.

Okay? I-I can't take him.

I just -- I-I can't take
the responsibility.

-No, you didn't have a kid
because you were scared

of having a kid
with a disability.

-I'm sorry that I wanted
to do something else

with my life
other than be a caretaker.

-I've been taking care
of everything since forever!

And no one has ever asked me
what I wanted, you know?

-You knew this was
part of the deal.

-No, you knew this was
part of the deal.

I've been trying to talk to you
about it all week.

You do your jokes.

Well, I can't believe
you won't take him.

-I can't believe you won't.

-Well, then I guess he's just
gonna live on the street.

-Nice.
-Okay, so make sure that

you give him some food
when you see him

pushing his shopping cart
down the alley.

You know what?

Come to think of it, never mind.

Because I doubt
that he could even

figure out how to do that.

Mark. Fuck.

-She was just joking.
She's not --

She doesn't mean it.

Good one.

Shut the fuck up.

Please leave a message.

-Hey, it's me.

We need your help.

Shit!

O...kay.

-They got burned.

-That's okay.

I was making breakfast.

-I know, bud. It's okay.

-What the hell?

-We're gonna have a
non-traditional breakfast

this year.

Look, last night
was straight garbage.

We didn't mean any of it.

-It's okay.

-No, it's not okay.

We suck.

We're just...sad.

You know?

-It's okay.

-We gotta have each other's
backs from now on.

So I don't want
any more bullshit out of anyone.

And that includes me.

-We should do presents.

Well, let's see
what Santa got us.

Michelle.

Mark.

-Cool.

Thanks, Dad.

-Great. Now all I need
is a gun, and I'm all set.

-Yes!

This is a good one.

"Dick! The Halls: Volume Seven."

My God, Shell, look.

-Holy shit.

-It's Dad.
You know it's Dad.

He finally got it
to snow for us.

We hear you, Dad.

-Um...I don't think so.

That's not snow.

Holy shit.

-I'm calling 911.

-Wait.
-What?

-What did Dad say
Christmas was all about?

-Remembering shit
he told us to do

for once in our goddamn lives.

-And what do we do
in the event of a fire?

Wow.

-That was really cool.

I bet that's Sharon.

-Merry Christmas.

-Mom?
-Hello.

I brought gifts.

Walmart gift card for Andrea.

For Mark.

You.

Now, who wants some of Mom's
famous fruitcake?

Michelle called.
She told me what happened.

But I don't want you to worry.

Everything is going to be okay.

Although it looks like
I got here just in time.

-We had a rough couple days.
Cut us some slack.

-Mark, be a darling.

Go to the car. Fetch my bag.

I'm moving in immediately
to look after you.

-What about Rob the dentist?

This isn't exactly
burgers in paradise.

-He's retired, so we thought
we would move in here

for a while to look after Mark.

Unless either one of you are
planning to take care of him.

Well, that's what I thought.

-I'll take him if he wants.

-So will I.

That's absurd.
Neither of you are fit

to take care of a houseplant,
even a cactus.

-Well, obviously,
I'm gonna try harder

than I did with that cactus.

Hey, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

-Who the hell are you?
-Mom, this is Sharon.

She's a p--
-No!

She is a sex worker.

-What?

-I was going to say
she's a part of the family.

Shit.

-I can be both.
-I can't believe this.

-Mark, I have a really important
question to ask you, okay?

-Okay.

-Who do you want to be
your legal guardian?

-Um...

Groot.

-No, man.
Not "Guardians of the Galaxy."

Like, who do you want
to live with?

You.

-Okay. Go get your stuff.

-This is outrageous.

He should be living here
with me.

-Well, we're selling the house,
so...

-W-W-W-What?
-No matter how good

your intentions are,
at some point,

people need to be able
to make decisions for themselves

about what their life's
gonna be.

-We're never coming home, right?

-Right.

Mom, this is happening.

Tell Rob I said Merry Christmas
and to have a margarita for me.

-You can tell him yourself.
He's in the car.

-You've been in here for like
an hour and a half.

-Rob, we're going back
to Florida!

Come in here and help me
pack up this damn cake!

-Hey.

Can I come along, too?

Obviously.

Come on.

-Hey!

I wanted to give you this.

-Thank you.

Hey, Rob.

-Hey, Michelle.

You can have these if you want.

One of the bulbs is burnt out,
so the whole strand is no good.

-That's not how
it works anymore.

Live and learn.

-Hey, what the hell
is all of this?

-We're leaving, Larry.
For good.

-For good?

-I'll never forget you.

Farewell.

-So where are we going?

You know...

that's a good question.

-Who am I without you?

I don't know that man.

-And so then I looked at him
and I said,

"That sounds like
a weak goal to me."

That's what I said.

Thank you so much.
You guys have been great.

Good night, Atlanta!

-Let's keep it going
for my favorite comedian

and least favorite roommate,
Michelle Van de Shall!

Her run of the show just
got extended by another week,

so if you had fun tonight,
tell a friend.

And if you didn't, nobody gives
a shit what you think.

-Ooh!
-Hey.

We ran right on time tonight,

even with intermission
running long.

-I told you
you're not the stage manager.

You can't be back here.

-Copy that. Standing by.

Sharon, I'm gonna need all
the glow tape back. It's mine.

-I think she's jealous
of your job.

-Merch sales were
retarded tonight.

-What the fuck did I tell you
about saying that?

I'm taking the word back.

I mean...power to you, man.

-And there's a group
from Special Olympics here.

So if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go mingle
with some ladies.

-Very cool. Enjoy.

-I will.

You know it, Shelly.

-Hey, Anj. Wait up!

-♪ Every year reluctantly

♪ We hang the lights
and trim the tree ♪

♪ Just another Christmastime ♪

♪ Unpacking all
the winter clothes ♪

♪ While cold wind seeps
through old windows ♪

♪ Just another Christmastime ♪

♪ But soon we find the house
filled with the scent of pine ♪

♪ And it reminds us
of a simpler time ♪

♪ Of a simpler time ♪

♪ Gone away till holidays ♪

♪ Bring back old friends
and family ♪

♪ We revel in the old clichés ♪

♪ All on Christmas,
all on Christmas Day ♪

♪ Every year about this time ♪

♪ We hear the melodies
and rhymes ♪

♪ Of a million Christmas songs ♪

♪ So we dust off
the old guitars ♪

♪ Start to hum a couple bars ♪

♪ Of another Christmas song ♪

♪ And then we go
into our bustling studio ♪

♪ Where we recall
the meaning of it all ♪

♪ The meaning of it all ♪

♪ Gone away till holidays ♪

♪ Bring back old friends
and family ♪

♪ To revel in the old clichés ♪

♪ On Christmas, on Christmas ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪