All language subtitles for E9BF26CD39D1B6783B5F5785A4DA38AF_eng

Sasquatch!

He's going after rabbits.

Them rabbits are cute.

Science!

A lot of people have made
the Sasquatch into a joke.

It's not a joke.

It's a living,
breathing humanoid.

Of course, there are
hundreds of theories as to

who or what the Sasquatch is.

Some say he's a...

some say it is an
inter-dimensional being or

alien, thus explaining why no
Sasquatch body has been found.

Others like Jeffrey
Meldrum believe it to be a

missing link between
humans and other primates,

which works, but then
again, why has no body

ever been found anywhere
in nature, dead or alive?

But because no definitive,
100-percent conclusive

proof of its existence
has ever been produced,

it hasn't been afforded
the same respect as other

scientific disciplines.

But that's going
to change today.

The Damien Hogel Prize
is like an Academy Award

times a Nobel Prize plus
blowing up the Death Star,

all rolled into one.

That's what made Damien
Hogel a household name.

Now, the Hogel foundation
says they're going to

discontinue it next year...

Nigel!

Oh.

Apparently the family
thinks they have a better

use for the money,
so this expedition...

is pretty much our last shot.

Yes!

Checkpoint.

My brother Oscar
is an indispensable

part of the project.

Now, he may not be
academically inclined, but

he's got street smarts.

I guess you could say
Nigel's kind of a hero to me.

He's like Lance Armstrong,
the first man on the moon.

Everyone said he was crazy
and that he couldn't go to

the moon.

And then he did it anyways.

You mean Neil Armstrong.

Yeah, and I'm like
his Buzz Lightyear.

Buzz Aldrin.

Who?

Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Lightyear was
a doll in Toy Story.

I like dolls.

Says here Sasquatch is
number one predator of the

Draconians. What's a Draconian?

That's, um, lizard people.

Let me see.

Every good expedition
begins with research.

Hey Nigel.

Hey Ted.

What are you guys doing?

We're just doing some research.

We're going on an
expedition to find

Sasquatch, no big deal.

Cool, cool.

Hey look, my manager is...

hasn't quite gotten
past the whole

Oscar diaper scenario.

Sorry.

We tried getting funding
for this trip for a long

time, but we kept getting
denied until I realized

grant applications aren't
so much about ideas as

they are about wording.

Try "Alabama Mountain Gorilla."

And penmanship.

That's two Ls.

And presto!

Ten thousand dollars.

Once we got the
money, our a camper.

Is it on?

No.

Alright, say "whiskey."

Whiskey!

Alright, do whatever
you want. Freestyle.

We've gathered a bunch of...

We've gathered a bunch
of specialty camping gear for

our trip.

Compass.

Multi-channel walkie-talkies.

Beep-beep!

This is an altimeter
with laser pointer.

Clif Bar.

Krazy Glue.

And emergency glow
sticks, just in case.

You just break 'em
right in the middle.

Well, it's not an
emergency, so...

We're ready to go.

This came off again.

Ow!

Hey, close the back, I
gotta get all this stuff.

Do you have the keys?

That's...

that's what I've been saying.

Most of the work that's
been done so far has been

office based, so, I mean...

it's just pretty exciting
to get out into the field,

kind of get out of the
ivory tower, if you will.

I mean, I know it's
going to be hard.

I'm not under any
illusions about that, but

you don't have to have
been to the woods in order

to understand the woods.

Can we find a bathroom?

I really have to go.

Yeah, I... yeah, next stop.

Does 'Squatch get a book deal?

Of course!

If Sasquatch were to
fight a bobcat with rabies...

Tear it apart.

He'd tear it apart.

He's five times the
size of a bobcat.

Sasquatch versus the
Abominable Snowman?

There's no prize in here.

Maybe you ate it?

Oscar and I make
a pretty good team.

We bring to the table
different kinds of knowledge.

Ha ha ha ha!

Looks like the
radiator's leaking.

Are you sure?

- Mm.
- What about this hose?

Is that performing its function?

Does it go there?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Ow, God!

Ow, God!

I don't think that's
an issue at all.

I think it's a question
of "will he win" if he runs

- for president.
- That's a good point too.

Oscar, let's just think...

let's think things through
before we say sentences.

- Mhmm.
- 'Cause he doesn't have a phone.

- You know that.
- You're saying that!

You're saying he
doesn't have a phone.

He's in a forest!

You're saying just
because he's in a forest he

doesn't know martial arts?

Nigel, I think long term.

Y-You look short term.

Okay?

We're gonna find the 'Squatch,

- I'm just saying, y'know...
- Oscar, Oscar...

In two to four years,
where do you see yourself?

Oscar, honestly, if I
actually find a Sasquatch,

I don't have to do
anything for the rest of

my life if I don't want to.

And here it is, that's Dogwood.

It's a small town in
geographic terms, but

nowhere has had so many
Sasquatch sightings in all

the Appalachians.

This is where we
start the expedition.

Your turn's coming up.

You missed it.

I missed it.

Let's uh, turn around up here.

Shoot.

Chess!

The game of kings
and sages. Heh...

Uh, are you Chuck?

No.

A-are you Chuck?

Nope.

Uh, we're here to meet Chuck.

Uh, one of his guides
is going to take us...

Why'd you park over there?

Um, it's...

just for shade.

Yeah, okay.

Um, do you know where
we could find Chuck?

Hey, look who's here.

Jamie!

Uh, Jamie's my
buddy Todd's sister.

Um, and, me and Todd
go way back, 'til, like we

were little kids,
we've been friends.

- Fireball!
- You missed!

- I hit you!
- No you didn't, it missed!

I just hit you
with that fireball.

No, you always say that! Ugh.

Um, sadly Todd died last
year in a jousting accident.

For Waveland!

Anyway, um...

Uh, Jamie's Todd's sister
and we have this kind of

running joke where we
pretend not to like one another.

It's pretty funny.

I say that because
I don't like them.

What are you doing here?

Hi J-Jamie.

I'm working for dad this summer.

I thought you
were going to Paris.

Mom couldn't afford
it, dad's being dad, said

America's got everything I
need, so I'm spending my

summer in Deliverance.

Hey, we saw that movie.

- Mhmm.
- It was good.

Gonna make you
squeal like a piggy, boy.

Squeal piggy! Squeal!

Who you found there, Jamie?

Dad, these were
Todd's friends Nigel...

and his brother Something.

Nigel.

You were supposed to
be here two hours ago.

- We missed the turnoff.
- Twice.

There was a lot of traffic.

Well, I let the guy go
with another group, I

thought y'all weren't coming.

Can we use one
of your other guys?

I don't work here.

I don't work here either.

Is there anyone else available?

Well, y'all come on
the long weekend.

Every guide in
town's already booked.

Not Samson.

No, not Samson.

Hello there.

You must be Samson.

Nope.

Uh, we're looking for a
guide to take us up the valley.

You huntin' the Sasquatch?

Yes.

I met the 'Squatch once.

That's good.

Um, so...

you know your way
around the forest?

I know a thing or two.

That'll have been your car.

No problem.

You're gonna need a
fourth to carry your gear.

What about those
guys at the trailer?

They seem nice.

Feh!

Those two ain't
right in the head.

What's your problem?

What's up with fatty?

I was really happy
to find Samson.

He knows the area
well obviously, and he's

ex-military, which is
just an added bonus.

He left when he was
"Section 8," which I

believe is a pretty high level.

They have a, uh, ceramic
elephant with boxing gloves.

- Did you get it?
- Do you want to go halves?

He says we need a fourth.

Sorry son, bum leg.

Bad back.

No.

No, n-

Everything's falling into place.

Uh, Samson agreed to guide
us, and Jamie is probably

going to come along
and help out with gear.

She's just working out the
details with her dad right now.

You can't do this with me!

You said I didn't
have to do any guiding.

Well just think of it as a
camping trip with your friends.

My friends?

Well, your brother's
friends then.

He'd love for you to
spend more time with them.

Todd was an idiot.

I hate camping.

I would rather watch
Kristen Stewart movies on

repeat, and there's
nothing you can do to

change that!

Well maybe you'd like to
pay your own tuition next year.

Did you pack the
coconut Luna bars?

And the peanut butter.

Dah!

So, after a few wrong
turns, we've made it to

the trail head.

We're going to be here
for a few days, so we kind of

packed a lot.

Is this yours?

Yeah, do you
want me to carry it?

Samson brought some
extra gear too to help with the

cooking...

and stuff.

You've got to be kidding me.

Hello Oscar.

Nigel.

Hello Claus.

So it's going to be like that?

Claus used to be Nigel's
best friend and mentor...

'til he stole his
migration data.

Of course I'm talking
about the Tallahassee

Skunk Ape, which is one
of the first times that I was

able to see a Sasquatch.

This is the, uh, reimagining
of the picture that

I took. It was a
pretty amazing time.

This is with myself.
This is my painting.

It's unbelievable, the animal...

That's my migration data, Claus!

You're ripping me off!

Get him outta here!

This is such a
stupid garbage class!

That's pretty much the
worst thing to happen to

anybody ever.

Now they're mortal
enemies, like Samuel

"Screech" Powers
and Zach Morris.

Argh.

Claus!

Who are the goons?

You don't know the
meaning of the word "goons."

Oh, I know goons, and I know
those are a couple of goons.

Those "goons" are my assistants.

- Laura...
- Lana.

- And Mark.
- Chris.

Do not shake hands with them.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Jamie.

- Hey!
- I'm single.

Why aren't you guys
wearing your outfitted

uniform tops?

Claus, do we really have to
wear the stupid matching...

Yeah.

Change.

Change in front of me.

Slower.

See, they take orders
just like two good goons.

- I mean assistants.
- Claus!

You're only here
because of my data.

Maybe you should take your
crew and go somewhere else.

I'm sorry, Nigel?

Is this your forest?

No.

It's the government's!

I can't believe this.

Things were going so
well until Claus showed up.

There's not a forest in
the world big enough for

the both of us.

That's a tad dramatic.

I can't believe I used
to call him my mentor.

There is no one in the
world more different from me.

So, only one of you guys is
supposed to find Chewbacca?

You know it's not Chewbacca.

And why are you talking to him?

This is your last chance, Nigel.

We're both after the same thing.

I'm willing to team
up with you if you are.

That's a good idea.

Absolutely out of the question.

Alright, suit yourself.

See you later, losers.

Now what do we do?

We find the Sasquatch first.

...a couple years ago.

I just kind of fell
into collecting 'em.

Something that I didn't
really plan or anything.

Do you collect?

Your idea of a
stuffed animal is a little

different than mine.

Yeah, I put mine in
the back of my car, I

sometimes I'll sleep with
a couple of them, but I, I

get a little...

Nigel, come on.

It's really steep.

I got it, just go ahead.

It is a lot farther than I
thought it was going to be.

But we've been
doing some training

It was really more
strength than endurance.

You eating those berries?

Don't.

Ho!

Hm.

Nothing.

Here, smell that.

Keep smelling it.

Is that a baby?

No. It's a rock.

It's a little frustrating
how slowly we're going.

I'd been hoping to get
there in one day, but

what can you do?

I mean, you have
the people you have.

I think I'm going to vomit.

We can stop here for the night.

Here, let me help you.

What are you doing?

By moving the tent closer
to the tree, you can make

use of its branches as
shelter from the elements.

There's roots there.

If I move my tent there
I'll have to sleep on roots.

Mhmm, mhmm.

Mild discomfort in
exchange for shelter from

the rain.

My fly sheet will
shelter me from the rain.

Yes.

I'm not certain where
Nigel learned to camp.

Fleischmann's Field Guide To
Backwoodsmanry, Second Edition.

Everything you need
to know about the art of

woodland survival.

Who the is Dick Fleissman?

Well, we finished day one
and we're all still in one piece.

The hiking was
harder than expected.

It's made us rethink
some logistical issues.

For example, how are we
going to get a 300-pound

animal through
ten miles of forest?

That's going to be a
challenge, you know, but

it's not insurmountable.

We could use a Sasquatch cannon.

Or maybe we could summon
an imaginary pegasus to

help haul it over the rainbow.

That is if we catch it
and it grants us wishes.

Just don't stare
right at it, okay?

Okay.

The food Samson
makes is real hearty.

Like something you'd find
in a Marlboro commercial.

What is this?

Soup.

Is there meat in it?

Yep.

What kind of meat?

- Possum.
- Wow.

Samson, I told you
I was a vegetarian.

Tell you what.

Why don't you
pick the pieces out.

When we get back,
bring them to a vet,

see what they can do.

Ugh!

Grandma's secret recipe.

I know a secret recipe
for Rice Krispie bars.

Do tell.

What I'm saying is if you
don't want to share a tent

with him, that's okay.

You could sleep in that
tent with Oscar and I'll

stick with Samson.

I'm good.

When I was six and Oscar
was eight, we saw the

Sasquatch.

It was Saturday morning,
about a week before

Halloween, I was
awoken by a noise outside.

First, I thought it was a
bear, but then I saw that

it was walking on two legs
and using its forelimbs to

gather food.

I suddenly realized
what we were looking at.

It was the most magical
experience of my life.

Nobody believed us, of
course, but I swore that

day I would get proof.

And here we are.

Okay guys, time to roll out.

You get that pack
on, then I'll get up.

Okay.

It's perfect.

Alright, we'll set up camp here.

So, this is the Dogwood region.

There have been sightings
here every year for the

past 80 years.

- It's upside down.
- I've plotted...

I've plotted the most
plausible sightings here

on this map.

As you can see, there
appears to be no real

pattern or distribution
to them at all.

They're all over the
place, and that has been

the assumption of
Sasquatch researchers for

decades.

That Sasquatch forage randomly.

But, look what happens
when you code the

sightings by season.

A pattern emerges.

Eastern Highlands in the
Summer, Western Lowlands

in the Winter.

Every Spring, topography
dictates that they pass

through this point on
their way from one feeding

ground to the other.

That's where we are right now.

I don't see it.

What about the ones that
are east in the Winter and

west in the Summer.

Those are what we
call "statistical outliers."

Every study has them.

But they just need to
be eliminated in order for

the truth to
reveal itself, there.

Science.

There was a confirmed
track find about 100

kilometers west of
here two weeks ago.

That should put a
Sasquatch through this

area in the next couple of days.

But we're not just
going to get a photo.

Nuh-uh.

We're going to capture
one live, and we're going to

use the oldest trick bait.

What's in it?

What's in what?

The bait. What's in it?

That's not important right now.

It's cat food and blueberries.

It's a lot more complex.

You said it was cat
food and blueberries.

But there's also some salt.

Science.

Yeah.

The bait is attached to
a line that leads up to a

release mechanism up there.

When the target tugs
on the can, the line rings a

bell, okay?

At that point, the
mechanism releases a net,

and boom goes the dynamite.

Woo!

Kablammo.

Let's try one out.

Oscar, you ready?

In this simulation,
Oscar will play the role of

Sasquatch.

We'll watch from the
observation station we set

up here.

And this will screen
us from our quarry.

It doesn't look like camouflage.

Well, it only has to
fool the casual observer.

Did your mom make it?

Yeah, she's the only one
who knows how to sew.

Why's there a deer on it?

Okay, let's save
questions for later.

Let's just get
into position guys.

And start simulation.

Less sneaky, Oscar.

How do I go then?

Just walk.

No, Oscar.

The Sasquatch
doesn't have pockets.

Well I really don't know what to

do with my hands right now.

Brother, just walk like
a Sasquatch, okay?

No, just...

Actually that's pretty good.

Mmm, tasty!

Ew.

Is he eating it?

Mmm, real good.

And pull on the line!

Ahh, ahh!

And voila, Sasqwatch
is immobilized.

Okay, thanks Oscar.

- That's good.
- Am I done?

You're done.

He doesn't look immobilized.

Well spotted.

That is where this comes in.

You're gonna shoot Bigfoot?

We're going to
tranquilize Sasquatch.

You can hit it
from that distance?

- No...
- I'm good!

But I'm willing to
bet Samson can.

Samson, how's your aim?

I could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.

You hear that?

He could hit a cat's
poop hole on the moon.

Agh!

See that, moon cats?

You're next.

That was pretty good actually.

Yup.

Oscar, come in.

He might be down a while.

L-let me get this straight.

So, I just hiked for an
hour and a half, and then

drove fifty minutes round
trip to get this, and now

you don't want it.

I'm saying I want
what I asked for.

This is what you asked for.

I asked for a newspaper.

That's the West L.A. Times.

Kind of splitting hairs.

Do I need to remind you how
much money I'm paying you?

Mm, nope, you
don't have to do it.

Alright, unbelieveable.

Oh, and can you get
some mara-chino cherries.

Maraschinos. Maraschinos.

Leading an expedition is
really about knowing how

to manage people.

Which is why I think
Nigel's cause is a lost one.

Nigel Norman's Wild
Adventures, brought

to you by The Damien
Hogel Foundation.

Sure you don't
want any face camo?

You're going to stick
out like a sore thumb.

I'm good.

Oscar!

What is it?

Nothing. Just...

How's it going.

Good. Good.

How are you?

Dad made it pretty
clear that if I quit the

expedition, he wouldn't
pay for my school, so...

Ten a.m., breakfast complete.

Trees one through
eight remain stationary?

Suspected donkey
appears to be a log.

Observation continues.

That's good work.

Nigel, this is pointless!

There's nothing to observe.

Writing in a book
doesn't help anybody.

This is a scientific exercise!

We need to make observations.

Oh, wait, I just thought of one.

I thought that was pretty clear.

Jamie's admittedly taken
a little while to get into

it, but with a little
guidance, she's going to

be as enthusiastic
as the rest of us.

"You are a penis."

- That's an observation.
- Let me see.

It's not even on the right day.

So, I'm not saying this is
the worst experience of my

life, but it's pretty shitty.

No, this is probably the
worst experience of my

life.

Shoot.

Jaaaa-mie.

Hello Oscar.

What's up, what you doing?

Just meditating.

What are you meditating about?

Nothing, I'm just trying to
clear my mind of bad thoughts.

Come on, you must be
thinking of something.

No, I'm not.

Just trying to be zen.

Oh, you're zen baby.

Yeah.

You're freaking zen.

Yeah.

A woman like Jamie?

Slow...

To warm up.

But there are ways
to grab her attention.

One of those ways?

Is banter.

...colder on top of a
mountain, you know, when

it's closer to the sun?

That's because the sun
is made of hydrogen and

- helium and...
- Go away O...

It's just a matter of time.

And make sure you log
in that plastic bag we saw.

That's right, thanks.

We're just packing
up the station now.

Then it's back to camp
for dinner and tales around

the camp fire.

Nigel!

Say "shrimp toast."

Shrimp toast?

You must have a tale or two
about your time in the marines.

Not really.

I ate a man once.

You ate a man?

Part of him.

I don't exactly regret the
choice, but I'm not proud of it.

Where do you start if
you're gonna eat a man?

A dead man's on a
plate in front of you.

Where do you start?

Start with the face?

That has emotions.

What if those
emotions go into you?

There's a chest.

That's his digestive system.

Do you want to digest all
the horror he swallowed in

his life?

You start with his feet,
do you go where he went?

Probably not.

So I ate three toes.

Were you marooned?

No.

I wasn't marooned, I
was in a military hospital.

Some guy in the morgue
dared me to eat a dead guy.

What was I supposed to do?

Made me five bucks.

Look at it that way.

Dollar sixty-seven per toe.

Arithmetic.

Thank you for your service, sir.

Yep.

Have you seen anything?

Uh, I had this one little
squirrel chasing another

squirrel, but I think he got
him earlier, which was pretty...

Have you seen like an
eight-foot Sasquatch?

Not today.

Well look harder!

- Yes sir.
- You got it.

Well, to suggest that I'm
not disappointed with our

results to date would be a
misrepresentation of the facts.

I'm actually very disappointed.

But I'm confident
in my leadership.

With my team, we will triumph.

Oh yeah, we will triumph.

Can I borrow that?

Uh, sure.

Aw, the bait can is empty.

Sure looks like it.

Man, that squirrel
has bested us again.

He's a real so-and-so.

I'll go refill it.

Nigel, how much longer
are we going to do this?

It's been three days.

Just have to be patient, Jamie.

He's playing with us.

Nigel, he's not playing with us.

He's not coming.

Samson, will you
back me up here?

She's right.

You're not going to
catch the 'Squatch.

Thank you.

He's too smart.

He's too smart?

I heard something going
through my garbage one night.

I assumed it was a bear.

Grabbed a tire
iron, scare him off.

I come 'round the corner
say "get out of my garbage."

It wasn't no bear.

It was a Sasquatch.

He raised a big paw,
doosh, right in the jaw.

Knocked me out cold.

So, you want to stuff and
mount Sasquatch because he

punched you in the face?

I want to stuff and
mount the Sasquatch...

because he pantsed me.

The, the Sasquatch pantsed you?

When I woke up, my jaw
was swollen and my pants and

my drawers were
down around my ankles.

I'd been laying there in
the all-together, unable

to hide my shame.

No, that was no
misunderstanding.

But, that story is
not yet fully told.

See that?

That's the tale of Samson
and the Sasquatch.

Only the last few
frames are missing.

That part of the story
has yet to be told,

but it will be.

It will be.

Samson's revenge.

I will have my moment!

Do you want to trade tents?

Nope.

Claus!

- Lana, Chris.
- Welcome.

What a surprise, Nigel!

I didn't know you were here.

Bull crap you didn't know.

What are you doing here Claus?

Well the area downstream
proved to be not to my

liking, so I decided to move
our observation point here.

Mhmm, where my projections
put the migration route.

Really?

Well, you know what, it's
a free forest Nigel If you

don't like it, why
don't you move?

Why don't you move to the
garbage dump, because you

know what?

You're a piece of junk.

Or better yet, take your
dumb spaceship tent and

move to outer space.

Don't you dare insult
my spaceship tent.

Nigel!

Whoa, that's awesome!

I found tracks.

Hey Claus.

Mark!

That's Chris.

Whatever!

Follow them!

Alright.

Must've slipped past
us during the night.

Samson, how old
do you think it is?

About twelve hours.

Damn.

We have to hatch a new plan.

Maybe we should
team up with Claus.

I'd rather kiss Cthulhu.

He's a bad guy.

Nigel, this is crazy.

We're running low on food,
we're out of toilet paper,

we haven't had
showers in three days.

We should be heading home,
not going further into the woods.

Jamie, I came here to
do one thing, and it wasn't

"not capture a Sasquatch."

This is our last chance to
win the Damien Hogel, okay?

I'm not going to
be stopped by...

"not enough toilet paper."

Samson, are you seriously
going along with this?

Yep, I got paid up front.

He can do whatever he
wants, far as I'm concerned.

And what about the rest of us?

Hm.

Allow me to draw you a diagram.

This...

is a flea's butt hole.

And this is how
much I care if you die.

You think a lot about butts.

So they say.

Has anyone seen my camera?

It was right here with my bag.

Yeah, maybe Chewbacca
took it when he ate the cat food.

I think one of those weirdos
across the creek took it.

Dear Nigel, since
you refused to play

nice with us, I'm obliged
to return the favor.

See you B-holes later.

Claus.

Nigel, what happened?

Pack up, there's
been a development.

Nigel.

Nigel.

Nigel!

Where's our food?

Well it was with the camera.

Nigel, our food was in that bag!

We have nothing to eat,
and it's like a day and a

half to walk back
to civilization.

Well we can't afford
to stop now, Jamie.

Yeah, and if we get into
trouble, we can, you know,

call for help.

Call for help?

Call for help?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Maybe I'll call right now!

Hello, nobody?

Yeah, hey. Um,

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Can you send help?

Nobody's on it. Nobody's...

Hey, hold on a second
nobody, I'm getting

another call.

Hello? Nobody? Hey.

Who is it?

It's "get a freakin' clue!"

He wants to talk to you.

Yeah.

Hello?

You just need to relax.

Okay?

This is all part
of the adventure.

The adventure?

"Game of Thrones" on
Sunday is an adventure, okay.

"Nancy Drew" is an adventure.

Coachella on ecstasy
is an adventure.

This is hell.

If we were to die and go
to hell, we would have no

idea 'cause it would look
exactly the same as this place!

Give her a break, boys.

It's shark week.

Maybe she just needs
something to eat.

I don't need to eat.
I need to go home!

I need a, f... Gah!

Ow.

If Samson and I head east,
we can still catch Claus.

Now, there's a ranger
station right there.

A minor detour will put
us on the doorstep, okay?

We'll give him your
coordinates and they'll

send someone to extract you.

Jamie's not going to like this.

She'll be fine.

Watching Nigel plan is
like watching a master

strategist plan a battle.

He's like Colonel Sanders.

Undefeatable.

What are our coordinates?

I don't know.

So, this is everything.

Should hold you guys
over until help arrives.

What are you going to eat?

That's Samson's job.

That's terrifying.

He once kept eight men
alive on dead cats and milk.

He said he resorted
to cannibalism.

With only a 30 percent loss.

30 percent of eight
is two and a half!

You're good.

We were only part way
through the corporal when

they found us.

Turns out the cannibalism
was premature.

How many people have you eaten?

My share, plus
more than my share.

Enough.

Six.

And a half.

Sorry corporal.

We'll be fine.

I guess I was a little
worried at first about

being left all alone.

But then I started
thinking about that guy in

that movie "Grizzly Man."

He survived for months on
just berries and honey and

petting bears.

Did you see the
end of that movie?

Nope.

Doc Martens.

Swiss made.

How old?

12 hours.

Exactly?

12 hours eight minutes.

Can you really...

No.

But they're a few hours
ahead of us, and they're

wearing shoes.

Samson's a real man's man.

You know, he's one of
those meaty men who live

for for drinking and
fighting and installing joists.

He's kind of like that
part of me that comes out

when I'm in the backwoods.

When I cast off my
academic accoutrements and

expose raw, naked, forest Nigel.

I feel like there's.... ow.

I-I'll put it with the
rest of the wood.

There's just a real
mutual respect, I feel.

If it came to it, I'd eat him.

Know what's weird about
being in a forest like this?

Nothing?

There's no phone.

No TV, no fax.

Someone could've shot
the vice president and we'd

have no idea.

You think they drop
leaflets from space if

that happened?

Yes.

I'm sure Perez Hilton
updates the national

forests on all the happenings.

"Dear bears,
president's been shot."

What if everyone
on earth was dead?

Know what would happen?

Our species would go extinct?

I'd have to sacrifice
one for the team and

- drop my pants...
- Nope, nope, nope.

Well what about the human race?

Nope, nope, nope.
Nope we wouldn't.

I'm going to go build a raft.

Good idea.

I'm not saying it might
be faster without you.

I'm saying there's no
question it'd be faster

without you.

You're garbage.

Samson, I was a little
slow off the mark...

You're garbage.

You're a sack of assholes.

Well, what's the
point of us splitting up?

You stay here, I go to
the ranger station, they find

the other two, then
we keep going on your

migration route.

Well, no, I'm not
waiting here if I'm not

doing anything.

I can still contribute.

W...

There must be
something I can do.

Find us some dinner.

Rivers.

They are the natural
highways of the forest.

What we need for
those highways is a car.

That's what I'm making.

It's kind of a backup plan.

Where does this creek go?

I don't know.

Don't care.

Here we go!

This is Sparta!

Hyah!

It works!

I'll go pack my things.

What, we'll ditch the others!

Just you and me!

M'lady?

M'lady!

M'la-

Fleischmann's diagrams
a sort of improvised, uh,

weapon, where you just
load up a bunch of rocks

into your shoe, take a
simple piece of cord...

and just like that you've
got a pretty effective

makeshift weapon, okay?

Samson'll be ready to
just clean it, gut it, and...

I don't think I've had
chipmunk before, but it

can't be any worse than
what we had last night.

And now we wait.

Just, you gotta have a lot
of patience and see what

comes your way.

You know, I'm just
gonna do a practice run.

Oh, shoot.

So, I think, miracle
of miracles, I've finally

gotten through to Oscar.

I figure with my crutch...

Oscar, what are you doing?

I've gotta get a better
view of the landscape, try

and spot the best route.

W-We already
know the best route!

Oscar, damn it!

Oscar, this is ridiculous.

Tree's getting a little
skinny up here but I got it.

You're just wasting time.

Gym Kata!

I'm okay.

This does not look right.

So, after a little bit of
confusion, I think I've

gotten myself oriented
and with any luck, I'll catch

up with Samson by dusk.

But just in case, if I
don't, I do have this.

It's a Sasquatch mating call.

And with any luck, Samson
hears it and comes back

for me.

There we go.

What was that?

Ah.

Oscar, Oscar?

Oscar, where are you going?

Wait!

Shh.

Agh!

Oh...

Three, two, one.

Agh.

Sorry man.

Nigel, you have no
food, no guide, one shoe.

You get disoriented by trees.

I'm not going.

No way.

I worked too hard to get here.

I'm not leaving until I've
done what I came to do.

You're never going to
find Sasquatch because...

he doesn't exist!

You're the only person on
the planet that doesn't know...

I've seen him with
my own eyes, Jamie.

We both did.

I was eight years old.

I almost touched him.

Oscar, tell her.

Oscar.

It was dad.

It was dad in a suit.

He bought it for a furry party.

He thought it'd be
funny if he ran around the

neighborhood in it.

- No.
- Dad...

No.

I was going to tell you,
but you were so excited.

I didn't want to take
that away from you.

You're my brother,
I love you so much.

- No, no.
- I wasn't going to take that...

That's not true.

You're...

I mean, you're joking right?

I'm sorry.

Nigel...

There is no Sasquatch.

Nigel!

Gotta be freaking kidding me.

Nigel!

Nigel!

Nigel?

Nigel!

Well, well, well.

Claus.

Hi Nigel.

Where's your friends?

Did they die of mediocrity?

We got separated.

Separated, oh, that's too bad.

What are you doing here, Claus.

I thought you were
a day ahead of us.

Well, we were on our way back.

This has proven to
be a wild goose chase.

There are no
Sasquatch in this area.

There's no Sasquatch anywhere.

Hm.

Nigel, why don't you
come in and have a seat.

I'd like to proposition you.

No actually, you should
walk the other way.

It's a shorter trip.

And also there's two zippers,

you have to pull one...

I'll explain when you
get around to the back.

I want to be honest
with you Nigel.

I've been out here for
a little more than a week

and the brutal reality of
camp life is beginning to

wear me down.

I would love to leave
here, but I don't want to

leave defeated.

What are you getting at, Claus?

A proposal.

A deal.

You scratch my back,
I scratch your back.

You know?

Listen, I have the
wherewithal to produce a

Sasquatch encounter.

- Very convincing.
- You want to cheat.

No.

I want to win.

And what do you
want me to do about it?

I want you to vouch for me.

You see, in the Sasquatch
community, I'm sort of

known as...

well, let's just say that
any submission I put in

front of the committee
will be critical, they'll

be very critical of it.

But if it has your name
attached, they have to

consider it very seriously.

I don't think so Claus.

I think so Nigel.

We could win the
Damien Hogel prize.

$500,000?

Just imagine what kind of
toys you could buy with that.

Make a decision
right now, Nigel.

Swear to me on your
mother's grave that...

My mother's still alive.

Okay, Sorry. Um....

Swear on your
grandmother's grave...

My grandmother's alive too.

Jeez, you have a
really healthy family.

Listen, swear on this.

That's the Fleischmann's
Field Guide to

Backwoodsmanry, second edition.

First edition.

Come on, you've
got nothing to lose.

Swear on it.

No.

You are making a huge mistake.

Huge!

- Huge mistake!
- No.

You're the one making a mistake.

I don't make any mistakes.

Name one thing
that I've done wrong.

One, putting up this
bubble tent in the summer.

It's like a greenhouse in here.

Yeah, it is pretty hot.

Yeah, it's really hot.

Two, stealing my migration data.

- Okay, that's two things.
- Yeah.

There's plenty of
other ones I could list

off if I wanted to.

I'm waiting.

Those two goons you hired.

They don't know what
they're doing and they

don't respect you.

How about that?

I hear them making fun
of you behind your back

all the time.

About what?

Wearing riding pants and boots.

- It's silly.
- What's wrong with this?

If you had it to do all
over again, would you wear

these riding pants?

No, probably not.

That's a mistake then, isn't it?

Okay, okay, I got it.

The mistakes are
piling up, aren't they.

Get out of here!

- I was going to.
- Good!

Goodbye.

Fine!

Which zipper is it?

It's the top one.

You pull it down...

n-not across, down.

Why are there so many zippers?

That's the, it's the
future of housing!

Mark, Laura!

- What?
- Go after him!

Seriously?

Go after him.

Hey, where's your jackets?

Over there.

Put 'em on.

It's really weird you want
us to match all the time.

I worked really hard
on those jackets.

Put 'em on.

Put 'em on right now.

Hate him.

Nigel!

Oscar!

You've gotta be
freakin' kidding me.

Nigel?

Nigel!

Okay, alright.

Okay, let's just, let's
just, let's just take a break.

I, uh...

I'm not real big in
the whole, jog, uh...

I'm done.

I just feel like a burger,

- like a burger...
- No, a beer.

And blend it together.

Ooh, a blended burger and beer.

That's disgusting, let's just.

That's awesome.

Now who's the smart one?

Batter up.

I can't find Nigel anywhere.

Follow me, Oscar.

Move over.

I got dibs on next game.

He's good.

He looks smart, are you smart?

Hey wait, do you guys know
where the manager's office is?

Don't bother them, 'cause
they're on a family picnic.

Can you pass the iced tea?

Yeah.

Pfft, disgusting you...

That's unsweetened!

How can they make
unsweetened tea up here?

They're rude, I know.

So this is our ranger's station.

We'll have a search
started within the hour

but it's not looking good
in finding him out there.

Nigel!

Nigel, are you okay?

- Hey, are you alright?
- Nigel!

The camera, where'd you find it?

I didn't.

Nigel, what happened to you.

I dunno, I ran into Claus
and then his goons tried to

kill me, and then I fell.

They tried to kill you?

Well, they yelled at me.

How did you get here?

Nigel, are you still mad at me?

Nigel?

Nigel, I'm sorry.

Nigel, I'm sorry!

So, the ranger said it's
about ten minutes from

where we left the car.

He said he'll give us a
ride, but Nigel won't get

in the truck.

Because God hates me.

Nigel.

What do you want?

You know, just because it
was dad in a wookiee suit

doesn't mean the
Sasquatch doesn't exist.

Oscar, don't you understand?

That was the only
evidence I had.

I mean, what else is there.

A few footprints and some hair?

That could be from anything.

What about your research?

My research is meaningless!

Damien Hogel is meaningless.

And do you want to know
what the worst part is?

It's that you were
the one who knew.

All these years, all these
skeptics, all the people

who made fun of me,
none of it mattered

because I knew there was
one person who believed in me.

But it turns out my
brother knew I was an iditot.

Nigel...

Just go.

Just tell Jamie your pathetic
brother will walk home.

Do you remember when
I made that Mr. T out of

macaroni and the bullies
from AV Club smashed it?

Yeah, I remember.

Do you know what
that project was about?

I don't know, Oscar.

You did so many
macaroni projects.

It was about the
person I admired most.

I guess it was supposed
to be an essay, but I loved

working in macaroni.

It was a good Mr. T.

I only said it was Mr. T
because everyone was

laughing at it.

I was too embarrassed to tell
them it was supposed to be you.

You made me out of macaroni?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Nigel, you may be my
younger brother, but I

really look up to you.

It doesn't matter to
me if Sasquatch exists.

I just want to
hang out with you.

You're my macaroni hero, Nigel.

You always have been.

Thanks buddy.

Well.

I guess we should get going.

Okay.

What about Samson?

Samson will be fine.

He's Samson.

At least we got
some good photos.

Yeah.

Hey Nigel, look at this.

Holy Damien Hogel!

Oh, hey, you guys ready to go?

Jamie, you've gotta see this.

How do I look?

Lookin' sharp, buddy.

You've got a throat
lozenge in your hair.

I'll save it for later.

You're money.

I don't know.

Do I think I believe in it? I...

I'm willing to entertain
the possibility at this point.

I guess it was a learning
experience in the way that

"Lord of the Flies" was
a learning experience.

But at least those kids
got to kill Piggy in the end.

Mr. Norman, you said
you have irrefutable proof of

the Sasquatch's existence.

This is irrefutable.

What is that?

Is that a toothbrush?

It's Nigel's.

My toothbrush is orange.

That's yours.

Well, not that we really
care to know, but can

you perhaps tell us
where that toothbrush was?

I'll tell you right now.

Don't.

- No, I will.
- No.

Go ahead.

Even though it
isn't germane to this

investigation, you
know darn well that that

toothbrush went up
the Sasquatch's butt.

Gentlemen, unless you have
something more substantial

than this to show us,
we're going to have to

call this meeting
to a close, I think.

This whole thing is a joke.

Good day.

We didn't take them.

The Sasquatch did.

You big...

dummy.

Do I see this as a defeat?

No, no.

Far from it.

Yes, I was unable to turn Nigel.

Yes, my assistants
have abandoned me.

They think that leaving me
alone here in the woods to

my own devices is
some form of punishment.

What they don't
understand is that with a few

rudimentary supplies, I
could stay out here forever.

There are few places that
I feel more at ease than

in the forest by myself.

What the was that?

I need to get some new insoles.

Remind me.

I guess some people will
be skeptics no matter what

you show them.

It doesn't really matter
what a bunch of judges think.

We know what we
saw out there was real.

We've proven to ourself
that the Sasquatch exists.

That's all that counts.

I don't feel the need
to go back to the forest.

I think that we got what
we went there to get.

The most important thing
we took away from this

whole experience
is personal growth.

We changed as people.

We learned.

Maybe that's what Damien
Hogel wanted all along.

Nice job, buddy.

Thank you.

Maybe try one
with the lens cap off.

Science.

Son of a...

I'd love to tell you about
the diaper incident, but

it's classified.

What did he say?

Uh, Oscar wore diapers
well into his teens.

He didn't need to, and
he didn't use them the way

diapers are used.

He just liked the feel of it.

So...

He was potty trained at
a reasonably typical age,

but he chose, maybe partly
just for fashion, um, to stick

with that diaper look.

And he got plenty of
razzing, you know, but,

no one's gonna, no one's
gonna change Oscar.

And that's the great
thing about Oscar.

He's a fat liar!

Yeah, well Nigel doesn't
have a good memory.

He has a great memory.

And I was 12.