All language subtitles for 3BB13E6B40A3B54FD8943EAC68721235_eng

I used to hide what my
vagina did to my underpants.

And, by the way, what all
vagina's do to all underpants, okay?

There is no woman who ends her
day with, like, a clean pair of underpants

that look like they've ever
even come from a store, okay?

They look like little bags
that have fallen face down

in, like, a tub of cream cheese,

and then, like,
commando-crawled their way out.

And then, like, carabinered
up, like, into a crotch.

Like, they're not items
that are for anyone to see.

But now, I'm just
like, "Whatever."

You know, I have a human vagina.

Okay, who here just saw my face

and thought that they were at
a bagel store in a synagogue?

Who thought that?

Who stared at my face and
thought that I'm the product of

if a menorah fucked
Natalie Imbruglia?

But the menorah, like, had
me. You know what I mean?

You know, like when
two lesbians have a baby,

and everyone's
like, "They did it!"

And they're like, "But
it's really Karen's."

"it's gonna be husky."

You guys are like,
"You're a horrible woman."

But let me tell you,
I agree. I agree.

I, surprisingly, am
not alone in my life.

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, he's cool.

He's got a, you
know, working dick.

Yeah, he's a human
male. I'll put it that way.

But I'm still honking down
on that D when I need to.

Literally, only when I need to.

Like, it's not that I
don't like doing it.

It's just that, after a while, it
just becomes a step towards,

like, getting
rhythmically banged out

until your worries can go away,
and you can pass out for eight hours.

That's sort of where we're at.

Functional. Functional, you know.
We've worked out all the kinks.

Man, I think I just heard
his heart stop beating.

When we first started dating,
my butthole was so scared,

you know, that it might, like,
lose the chance at romance,

that it was just like, "Everyone,
shut down," and it was like...

But then when he would, like,
leave my apartment, I would be like,

"Good night,"

and pretend to be so confident
in everything that just happened.

Even though I was like,

"Was that cool when I did that?
Was that cool when I did that?"

Then I would just masturbate
to my worries until he came back.

I would just shut the door and, like, stand
there for a minute and then just be like...

"No, no, no. Don't
you be your old self."

And then it would be like,
"But it feels so good. I gotta..."

That's my butthole's
voice. "I gotta be me!"

"I gotta be me!"

And then it would
just be like...

That's me walking up my stairs.

Anyone need a barf bag?

- Hey.
- Hi, sweetie.

- How's it going?
- Good.

Am I having a stroke, or does
this soap smell like popcorn?

- You're not having a stroke.
- Good.

It just smells like your hand,
you know. Smells normal.

A couple of other people
are going to another bar,

and I know that you don't
like leaving the radius,

but I really wanna go and have,
like, one, two, one million more drinks.

Yeah, I don't think I can go.

Okay. Do you wanna just go home, and
we can finish that documentary about...

Things have been kind of fucked
up between us lately, you know?

And then you go, and
you talk about it up there.

It's just a very
weird feeling for me.

Are you still mad at
me about last night?

No.

'Cause I told you
that I didn't feel well,

because I ate street
meat from the cart at work.

And also, you just said you didn't do
the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not...

I've been sleeping with Kate.

What?

You know, we can't
lie to you anymore.

You're, like, a we?
You guys are a we? No.

I wanted to tell you sooner.

But you're here all the time.
Your schedule is all over the place.

We never talk or anything!

I'm at your house
every other night.

Why are you... Stop looking at
your phone while you're dumping me!

Is she calling you? Is she asking
you, "Have you dumped her yet?"

No.

- Or are you just such a dick...
- Sorry.

...that you're looking at your
phone while you're dumping me?

I just don't know where to look.

You don't know where to look?
Well, this is probably a good area.

Hi, Ryan.

I don't know if you're getting my
messages, but I really need to talk.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...

I don't care about the beep!

I am also sorry that you
cannot get to the phone!

Kate has HPV.

The kind of HPV where
you get warts on your stuff

and ovarian cancer.

There's a lot of other stuff
I could say, but I'm a lady.

Yeah, and then she dies of cancer,
and you're stuck with the bill, so...

I just wanted to
apologize for the voice-mail

that I just left on
your voice-mail.

And I also wanted
to say, "Psych!"

Have a great life!

I'll be here with my normal HPV
that one in four nice women have.

And there will not be an apology message
for this apology message. Goodbye.

- You okay?
- Nellie!

You look like a lez who
just got back from Birthright.

Move.

These clogs are yours.

Ryan always hated my clogs.

Well, I guess that doesn't
matter anymore, huh?

You got my texts?

I did do. I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

Okay.

You're in shock. We
don't have to talk about it.

I always thought that
Ryan was attracted to Kate,

but then I just told myself I
was being insecure and jealous.

And now, all my worst
fears have come true.

That's not what happened.

What happened is he's a piece
of shit, and she's a little bitch.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Come on up here.

You know I'd take
a bullet for you, right?

I know.

- Right into my heart.
- I know.

Nellie, you're so sweet
and nice and pretty.

Okay.

You gonna be okay? Do you
want me to sleep in here with you?

I can't do that to you, because I'm
about to turn this bed into a fart pod.

Okay.

That sounds too cozy for me.

- All right, I love you.
- I love you.

- Donna.
- Shit, Gene.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

No, I'm sorry. I haven't
been sleeping very well.

Listen, Donna,

there's something that I
need to talk to you about.

No, no, no. I already called
the plumber. We're just...

We're all gonna have to
use the bathroom on Sixth

- for, like, a few days.
- It's not that. It's...

Well, there's no easy
way to spit this out.

The landlord's kicking us
out. We have six weeks.

What?

They're closing the store.

That's crazy! That's disgusting! This
place is like a New York institution!

You've been here five years.

I've been here for 30.

Sometimes we just have to
let go of the things we love.

That's really easy for you to say,
'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,

and, like, buy a bunch of wick and
candles and just, like, chill out all day.

Hey, that sounds pretty
nice. I think I will do that.

Listen, change is good, Donna.

Man, that's, like, the rudest
thing you've ever said to me.

You know, that Ryan,
he was not a gentleman.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now,
and I'm gonna tell him that you said that.

You're not gonna waste
one valuable moment

of your young precious
life mourning that boy.

I'm a mess.

I can't even be in public
without bursting into tears.

And I think I've cried
on every train line.

Oh, baby.

You know, when your mom and I
split up, I thought my life was over.

You know what saved me?

A long walk with your Uncle Jim.

We walked, we talked, and we
talked about life, and spirituality,

and identity and racism.

And by the time the sun came up,

we had the premise
for our first TV show.

"We had the premise
for our first TV show."

We did.

- That smells good.
- Pasghetti.

- Your favorite sauce, extra honey.
- Extra honey.

I can eat this.

You know, creative energy sometimes
comes from the lowest point in your life.

But, Dad, you had a
partner to do all of that with.

I'm just up there alone by
myself just beating myself up.

Well, negativity will either be your
best friend or your worst enemy.

How do you want to
approach your fears?

Tylenol PM.

No. Living.

Living is the best revenge.

So eat up, and then when we're
finished, you're gonna go visit your mom.

She's worried about you.

You guys need to know

there are some children out there
who don't talk to their parents for months.

- Like, even on the telephone.
- Really? Really?

Not my child.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

You're an aberration.

You're all wrong.

You're the weird one.

You're so pretty. Now just
hold up, just for a second.

- Are you proud of me?
- I'm very proud of you.

You know, an ex-student of
mine started a temp agency.

They specialize in placing
people in the entertainment world.

Pass the duck sauce.

You're about to lose your income.
You don't seem the least bit concerned.

I'm terrified, Mom. Believe
me, I very much am.

But I'm not going to work for one
of your business school students.

You're almost 30 years old. You
still don't know how to do your taxes.

I'm a couple of years away from 30,
and nobody knows how to do their taxes.

Have you spoken to your agent
about booking any commercial work?

You know, I haven't, because recently,
she put her entire body into her oven.

You're never serious.

I will use TurboTax
this year, okay?

Hand me the plate.

Well, I don't know
if you've noticed, but

I'm in kind of an
emotional crisis right now.

I know you're going
through some pain right now,

but you're always gonna
be going through something.

I haven't borrowed
money from you in months.

And I just did that commercial
for the organic douche,

which is gonna be a
real boon to my image.

Well, I'm glad you did the
douche job. The douche paid well.

Definitely, stop
saying "douche."

There are other things
in your life you could

afford to be a little
more selective about.

Your next beau, for example.

I'll never forget that brunch
when he told us his SAT scores.

Mom, really, a lot of people
aren't good test-takers.

You were. And now
you waste that 780 verbal

on telling jokes about
having diarrhea in your pants.

Fuck it.

I'll take three more sips,

and if he doesn't
come out, then I'll go.

I'll take two more
sips, actually.

And if the lady in the tan jacket
crosses the street on the second sip,

then that means
that I should go home.

Motherfucker.

What are you doing?
What am I doing?

Just go home to your house.

Fuck!

They have a fucking dog.

What were you doing?

Just out doing
some light stalking.

No!

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. Nothing
is wrong with you.

How did I not know?

Those two are sociopaths.

This is my fault.

I never should have talked
about our relationship in my act.

No, fuck that noise. You know
what is so great about you?

I'm good at folding the laundry?

No, sweetie, you're terrible
at folding the laundry.

What is so great
about you is that

you are unapologetically
yourself on that stage every time,

and that's why people love you.

Listen, I'm not gonna let

that mouth-breather and fucking
bag of bones bring you down.

- She's actually my target weight.
- That is gross.

I guess comedy is supposed to be honest. So
let me just tell you a little bit about me.

As they say, I like my men
the way I like my coffee.

Disgusting,

like, very weak and bitter,

and cold, not sweet at all.

Very gritty on the bottom as
well. If you know coffee like that,

I'm just like, "What
is your number?"

And now that we're all
picturing a very filthy bottom,

I think it's time to
bring one to the stage.

And she's my best
friend in the entire world.

I think you guys are gonna
love her just as much as I do.

Everyone, please
welcome Donna Stern!

Yeah!

Here we go.

- Everything cool?
- No.

I love that guy.

Okay. I was in the bathroom

'cause that is all
that I have left.

Does it count as exercise

if you are just squeezing your body
all the time super-hard, super-tight,

'cause you're just
crying so hard?

Does that make
sense to any of you?

That was a rhetorical question.

I should probably
turn around, right?

No shit!

Okay. All right.

"No shit" yourself,
sir. It's a swear. Rude.

In case you can't tell from my
deep, deep ridges on my face,

I was recently dumped up with
by a human male who is still alive.

So, good for him.

I feel like when someone does
something bad, they should just die.

But instead, we die a slow death
and watch their happiness bloom.

Doctor's orders.

My very nice close friend
who's such a nice person

decided to fuck my boyfriend.

I would love to just
murder-suicide them.

A lot of people say I
look like Anne Frank.

I would never have survived
the Holocaust. That's for sure.

If you were cool,
this could be art.

Or if I were cool.

Is this not working for you?
Do you want your money back?

'Cause the show is free.

I want my life back, but I can't
get it back 'cause it's ruined.

So that is a cost
I have incurred.

I'll share more. I'll share more.
You guys seem to be fucking loving it.

Full-blown affair, you know? Like,
who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway?

You know what I mean?
It's, like, "Cool move."

This kind of thing makes you think
I'm pretty good at fucking, right?

It's 'cause she's one of those
fucking girls with a thread count.

This place is a fucking shithole. So
I'm really glad to be on your roster.

She's just going up and
down on his dick so slowly

so that he knows exactly
how blonde her pussy is.

Then I just come in, and
I murder-Sui everything,

and then she gets
stains on her sheets.

But anyhow...

- That was the worst.
- Lt wasn't that bad.

Okay, don't get me
wrong. It was horrible.

But it wasn't the worst
comedy I've ever seen.

That was not comedy. That
was not even a performance.

That was not even
performance art.

I think a lot of people learned a
lot about the Holocaust tonight.

You know what the saddest thing
about this whole terrible story is?

It's that not only did Kate fuck my
boyfriend and ruin that area of my life,

but now I can't even do standup,

which was the one thing about
me that made me better than her.

I hate how much you're
focusing on Kate in all of this.

If you're about to defend her right
now, I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.

All I'm saying is, like, she
didn't trick Ryan into fucking her.

He's a fucking asshole.

Okay. Well, this experience
has been so cool for me.

But I have to go home,
and put on my sweatpants,

and try and hold
my breath until I die.

No! You have to stay here and drink with
me. We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying.

Hi. Can I get two Jacks
and Cokes, please?

You're really lasering into me
with your peepy missiles there.

What?

I said that you were lasering
into me with your peepy missiles.

Are my eyes my peepy missiles?

I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

Both those drinks for you?

Are both those faces yours?

No, I crashed and
burned this conversation.

No! No, no, no. No, you're
not. Come on. No, it's okay.

Man, slip-ons?

What's wrong with slip-ons?

It's the winter!

These are an all-purpose shoe.

For all purposes
inside of your frat house

where everyone's going ping-pong, and
throwing quarters at each other's butts,

and throwing their house
out at the end of the year.

Yeah. Well, you know, that's
what they say, "Go to Williamsburg."

"Welcome to Brooklyn where they
judge you by your shoes." it's great.

This isn't
Williamsburg, Virginia?

My God! I've been in the wrong
Williamsburg for this whole time, man.

Yeah. No, I haven't been
to Virginia, but this is not it.

I have.

- You have?
- Yeah.

I went to Virginia on a class
trip with my science teacher,

because I'm a city kid, so they wanted
to take us to go see, like, the country.

And she knew where this
horse had died in a field.

She wanted to dig it up so
that we could see its skeleton.

But when we dug it up, it
hadn't even decomposed at all,

'cause that takes,
like, a very long time.

And, you know, it
had worms on its face.

That teacher should be
put away. That's awful.

- We murdered her that day in that field.
- Stop, it's...

That's the only conclusion. That's
the only thing that could happen.

No, but... You know, she was
like... And all the children ran away.

But I just stayed, and I looked
at its sleeping face, you know.

- That's a lot of story.
- Yeah, it is.

- I like your shirt.
- Thank you.

This nice shirt's name is Max.

Hey. This lady's name is Donna.

And my shirt's name is Brenda.

- She's a loudmouth.
- Great.

Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.

Seemed like you
waved more at Brenda.

So, Max, how did you
end up here tonight?

Clients. I'm here
with some clients.

I work for a computer company.

We design a program that basically, if
you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,

people all over the world, it's
like you're actually playing it live.

So, it's like a phone call,
and it's like you're really...

- So it's like a phone call.
- Connected.

- I've made phone calls. That's cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

So imagine that, but
with a video game.

You pick up the
phone, and you're like,

"Hi, is computer there?" And it's
like, "I'll connect you to video game"?

Yep, it's somewhere
in there, yeah.

But one of their wives
heard about this place.

So here we are. Is there
comedy in the back?

- Yeah.
- No.

Actually, I had just hosted a show
back there, and Donna performed.

- You didn't catch any?
- No, I couldn't find the room.

That's a bummer.

- 'Cause she was amazing tonight.
- You know what? Thank you.

Like, she's always great,

but, like, tonight, I would say,
she was, like, particularly on point.

- Interesting.
- Congrats. That's awesome.

You do this a lot?

Yeah, it's a habit.

Okay. All right.

Another round? You
want to do another round?

Yeah. Sure.

I'll try it. I'll try drinking.

Okay.

- Perfect timing.
- Okay, okay.

All right. On it.

He is hot, bro!

Yes, he is, but he's, like, so
Christian. He's like a Christmas tree.

So be the fucking angel
on top. Who gives a shit?

I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah
on top of the tree that burns it down.

And they're like, "Shouldn't have
had that menorah on top of me."

- He, like, knows Santa.
- Sit on him.

"Santa, can you help
me forget my memories?"

- Yes, exactly. Now you get it.
- I don't think so. That's not...

I'm from a small
little town in Vermont.

My grammar school was
in a barn. How cool is that?

That is cool.

Right? Pretty sweet.

Is that a lie? Ls that true?

It's a truth. It's the truth.

Do you think that you can tell when
somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?

Do you have a wig on?

I knew it.

I have a wig over my toupee.

Can you tell that I'm
wearing a toupee?

I was only halfway right.

Wait till you see my merkin.

Oh, no.

Fuck, it is so cold out here!

I'm afraid I'm going to
get your splash-back.

Is this illegal?

Can we get arrested for this?

Are you... Who are you? You've
never peed in public before?

No. That's not me.

What about pools?

No, no way.

What, you pee in pools?

I've peed in every
pool I've ever been in.

Oh, my!

Did you just fucking
fart in my face?

No.

Yeah. I'm...

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Are you crying?

Don't cry, okay?

- Are you laughing?
- Who would cry?

- You farted in my face.
- I'm... it happened.

I'm sorry.

No fucking way.

I would not hire myself in this.

When do you start again?

I'm on call, which means that I only get to
work if the other receptionist gets sick.

- So we're praying for bird flu?
- That's right.

Cool, I have the dumbest
mirror face in the world.

Please, everybody does.

No, but I look like a shih tzu.

I look like just
a little shih tzu.

You just want to say "shit."

You know, that's not not true.

Here, try this on.

Thank you so much for
this flammable piece of shit

that's gonna give me
a rash in one second.

And I also just activated,
like, an old whore's BO.

My boobs hurt really bad.

Maybe you're pregnant.

Hey, is this cute? I mean, if
it had a button, would it be...

What? What's wrong?

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

What? No! I was just kidding.

No, I'm late. I'm never late.

And my boobs are
super-swollen and sore.

No, it's just... You're
getting your period.

No, I'm never boob-sore.

Okay, well, maybe it's stress.

Didn't you say that when you
found out you were pregnant,

the one sign was that
you had boob soreness?

Yeah, but you and Ryan
haven't had sex in months.

I know.

Oh, my God! You didn't use
a condom with Pee Farter?

Of course, I did.

I don't know.

Hold on.

Yes, I remember seeing a condom.

I just don't know,
like, exactly what it did.

Okay, look, you're probably not,

but we'll go get a test.

I have to pack up the
bookstore in, like, 20 minutes.

Okay, I'll go get a test, and
I'll meet you at the bookstore.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

It's going to be fine.
I'm sure you're not.

No, you're not.

It's weird that you guys keep
a radio on in the bathroom.

Yeah, Gene has shy
bowels, and it helps him to go.

Okay, I've set the
timer for three minutes.

Okay.

And...

One line is not
pregnant, and plus sign...

You are fucked.

One line, one line, one line.

Just going to take a big,
stinky shit while we wait.

Perfect. Cool timing.

Don't stare at that stick.

Okay. I'll just...

You're just peeing, right?

Great.

Do you want to hear the story about
when I went to get my first pregnancy test?

It was, like, 2.5 miles between where
we lived and where the pharmacy was.

I couldn't ask my mom
to drive me, so I had to...

If you've just tuned in, you're
listening to the Donna's Brain Show,

and I'm the voice of the brain.

Today, I'm sitting down
with the idiot in question

who, after being dumped and
losing herjob, recently had...

Excuse me... may have had
unprotected sex with a stranger.

I can't get your blouse off.

Did I leave anything out?

We used a condom.

Okay, well, that's
not what I heard.

Let's do this!

Note the razor sharp teeth.

We should have
been using our hands.

No. No way.

Yes!

I don't know any wrestles.

Did you find it? It's a five
second rule. Five second rule.

Come on. I think
that it was more like...

Here you are, sir. One condom.

Might it be correct to
say that you cannot recall?

I'm getting a little dizzy.

Well, you're dizzy because you
played Russian roulette with your vagina.

Did you know that Hulk
Hogan's name is Terry?

It's time.

It's time.

Oh, God, your face.

Oh, my God, barf rush.

Do I have morning sickness?

No, that's probably
just psychosomatic.

Okay, there's two tests in
the box. Let's take another one.

- I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up.
- Okay.

- Did somebody have a bad dream?
- Oh, God, Dad!

That thing is freakin'
so frightening.

I guess I am.

Come on, give us a...
Come on, give us a kiss.

I love you. I love you.

Kiss yourself.

It's, like, 100 degrees in here.

Puppets work best in heat.

Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting.

It's Donna.

I'm so sorry. Must
have missed the "Na."

Where are my glasses?

Here.

Thank you, Donna.

Your test came back positive,
and you are indeed pregnant.

Fuck!

Sorry for cursing.

That's all right.
I've heard it all.

So, let's talk
about your options.

I would like an
abortion, please.

That sounds very
insensitive. I'm not sure.

Sounds like I was
ordering at a drive-through,

but I would like an
abortion, please.

It's important that you've
put a lot of thought into this,

and that this decision
is entirely yours.

I'd also like to provide you with all
the information you need about abortion

as well as other options.

Yeah.

I have thought about it,

and this is what I need to do.

Okay.

So, based on the first
day of your last period,

you're about three weeks
along, which is pretty early.

In fact, it's too early to get
the procedure done with us.

Okay.

It means you need to wait.

I'd like to set the appointment
for two weeks from today.

That'll put it on the 14th.

- February 14th?
- Yeah.

Oh, my!

I guess we could
do it the day after.

That's my mom's birthday.

Can't even get
an abortion right.

I'm guessing you wouldn't
want to wait too much longer.

No, let's have it...

Let's do it on Valentine's Day.

Give this card to the receptionist on
your way out, and she'll schedule you.

Okay.

I should probably ask.

How much does this cost?

An in-clinic procedure
costs about $500.

Really?

Sorry.

That's, like, my
whole rent almost.

But the cost also covers an
HIV test as well as STD testing.

Do you have insurance?

Well, if not, we can provide
financial assistance if you qualify.

- Do you have Medicaid?
- No.

Any friends or
family that can help?

Okay, I'm out of tape now.

Hey, little lady, is
there any more tape?

Yeah.

Yes, there is tape in the
bathroom on the top shelf.

I did the first scream
for screaming,

and then the second scream I had
from scaring myself from the first scream.

Yeah, I saw that.

- I'm gonna come in now, okay?
- Yeah.

What are you doing here?

You said you worked here, so...

Sure.

The Savage Detectives.
This book is amazing.

Well, it can be
yours for 99 cents.

Hey, I just passed a Mexican
food truck on the way over here.

Do you wanna go get a bite?

When we hung out
before, you said...

You said that you could mouth
fuck the shit out of a burrito.

God damn it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Also, do you remember
urinating in the street?

Among other things.

What?

- That was the main move.
- All right.

If you have time,
take a little break?

Well, I can't leave the store
unmanned, UN-womaned.

Of course, sure. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Well...

I'd love to take you out
sometime on a proper date.

Well, here's the thing,

is that the store is closing
down, and it's a hard time,

and it's gonna take forever, and I
have to put all the books in the boxes.

None of them are in the boxes.

I'm the only thing in a
box, and I'm not a book.

- Not yet.
- Yeah. Okay.

Totally.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.

I have a copy of this already.

Well, good luck
with the closing.

Thanks. You, too.

I can't believe he walked
into the store. That's a sign.

And that would
be a sign saying...

Like, that I'm a
present in a box,

and that he and I should go and
start our beautiful life together.

- You know, I'm not a straight guy...
- What?

...but my guess is that most
of them would hate that gift.

What? You're saying

that a guy doesn't want a
drunk, pregnant girl in a box?

If you're a serial killer.

Maybe you wanna tell him.

No. Why? Why?

You don't owe him anything.
You don't even know this guy.

Maybe he just deserves to
know that, like, this happened.

That I'm not psycho, and
I'm going to get an abortion.

You know, if I got someone
pregnant, I would wanna know.

If you got someone pregnant,
I would also want to know.

Probably every newspaper
would want to know,

'cause all of a sudden, some
dude's mouth would be pregnant.

My God, you guys, stop
it with the crazy jokes.

Why do you care what
he needs to know or not?

You are the one who has to
get this procedure, pay for it,

wear the fucking pad
with the big wings, okay?

You think if he was pregnant, he
would be worrying about you right now?

No, he'd be trying to get that
fucking thing out of his body.

God damn it! You guys, we
already live in a patriarchal society

where a bunch of weird old white
men in robes get to legislate our cunts.

You just need to be
worrying about yourself.

And why are you looking at
me like that, you little bitches?

Everything you're saying is valid,
but you are scaring my dick off.

Anyway, if your gut is to tell him, I
say do it, because he seems sweet.

I'm exhausted now.

- Does it hurt?
- Does what hurt?

You know, only you would
know if your vagina hurts or not.

Okay. Does having
an abortion hurt?

No, except for some cramps afterwards,
but they feel just like period cramps.

Just take me through
it snip-by-snip.

Okay, first of all,
there is no snips,

and the whole thing literally
takes, like, five minutes.

That's amazing. You don't
even have to clear your schedge.

No, you still need the whole day.
Because they talk to you for a while.

Well, you don't have to clear your
schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it.

How often do you think about it?

I think about it
sometimes. Once in a while.

And then I get really sad
for my little teenage self.

But I never regret it.

And did you ever tell your mom?

No, she thought I
was at field hockey.

- Were you the goalie?
- Of course I was the goalie.

I'm glad you're here.

You're so jumpy.

You're like an
Eileen Fisher ninja.

I wanted to continue our
discussion about your future.

Okay, well, I have something that I
would like to talk to you about as well.

- I'd like to go first.
- Great.

I couldn't sleep last night.

So I made a spreadsheet
of all of your expenses,

job opportunities and miscellaneous
tasks that I think you should focus on.

Okay, well, you
didn't need to do that.

No shit.

I have a student in my office right now,
and I have one about to deliver something.

So, we'll do it
afterwards, all right?

And could you please go through the mail?
I'm still getting your student loan crap.

It's open.

Hello.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Fuck!

I'm sorry. I just...

I'm not stalking
you. This isn't a...

Oh, my God.

Professor Stern. I'm just...
I'm looking for Professor Stern.

Yeah. She's my mom.

- She's your mom?
- Yeah.

She's a genius.

Okay, seriously though, she's, like, the
best professor I had in business school.

I see you about to roll your eyes
again, all right? But that's that truth.

She lit a fire in my belly.

Okay. Well, that's
called diarrhea.

I'm sorry, but you just handed
that one to me like a little present.

Yeah, you know,
we've hung out before.

Anyway, your mother lent me
this book a couple of months ago,

and I'm just trying to
get it back to her, so...

Thank you.

Come on.

You made fun of my shoes?

These are my mom's.

Do you wanna try them on?

No.

All right, yeah, I would.

That's amazing.

I don't do hard drugs,

but I imagine this is what
it feels like to shoot heroin.

Yeah, they're so soft.

They're made out of,
like, angel's titty skins.

Yeah, and then
she said that, so...

There you go.

So...

Sorry, do you wanna go
get some food or something?

Are you two ready to order?

- You know what? Actually, I haven't had...
- Yes. Yes, yes.

We'll each have the chicken
piccata over linguine, please.

Of course. Your favorite.

Thank you.

You are a serious regular.

It's, like, the one place where I can go
and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in.

Got it.

I also don't normally order for the
person that I'm with at a restaurant,

but the chicken piccata is the
best that this place has to offer.

It's the gem. It's
the crown jewel.

You got to have it.

Well, there is nothing better
than some hot bread and butter.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Did you just warm
this butter up for me?

Yeah.

That's really nice.

That's just what you do.

Max, I have something
I wanna tell you.

What's up?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Great.

I kind of walked
into that one, huh?

Indeed.

Aren't you wearing a diaper?

Yeah, I'm not gonna
spend it on a number one.

- Okay.
- Diaper is for the heavy lifting.

Hey, Max, remember from before
when we did sex to each other?

Max, I love you. I'm
having your abortion.

Do you wanna share a dessert?

Lead with that. Definitely lead
with that. Perfect. That's perfect.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Do you see this couple?

Yeah.

They're incredible.

The entire time you were gone, she
has been reading off the menu to him,

and he points at a new item,
and she just tells him what it is.

Maybe he just likes to hear
his favorite things read out loud.

That's what I thought.

I just love couples like this.

It's not a line.

But I can't wait
to be a grandpa.

Man, yeah.

Really hitting that bread. You're
gonna have room for that piccata?

- Two.
- Yeah? Okay.

You got any shows coming up?

I do. I have one
tomorrow night actually.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

- Where?
- Same place. Always same place.

Cool. Cool.

Can I come?

- Shit. Shit! Shit!
- I don't have to.

No, no, no. You stepped in shit.

- What?
- Shit!

Come on!

- These are my only shoes.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.

- This is great. You're just...
- No, no. I'm just...

I'm glad it's... Yeah.

I'm just, you know,
just trying to get...

You stamped right
down on the doodie.

Okay!

All right.

- You almost got it out?
- Yeah.

You're almost cleared?

Yep. Okay. All right.

Well, I'm gonna go get some
bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Good night.

Are you limping? I don't
wanna get it on my pants.

Yeah. My father was, like, a
funny dude, man, my father.

I think he's the reason
why I do comedy.

He's like a cross between
Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

He was Cosby, like, in that he'd
hide snacks around the house.

And he was like Richard Pryor

in that he freebased cocaine.

Can I get a seltzer?

What's up?

You're a jumpy little kitty.

When do I go on?

It's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

We're gonna have to end early,
set up for an '80s dance party.

No. Can you just let me get five
minutes? I just wanna do five minutes.

You still doing that
break-up material?

I'm just doing my comedy, which
is just talking about my life, so...

Don't look at my shit while
I'm writing it down, man.

What? No, that's funny.

I think my bodega
man judges me, too.

Yeah.

How was Los Angeles?

Nice deflection.

Yeah, I was in LA for three
weeks, three shitty weeks.

I fucking hate that place.

Running around, driving a
gold KIA. That's all they had.

Well, there was a screw-up...

Had to drive a gold KIA?

I did not pick out a gold KIA.

I would pick out a pewter
KIA, taupe, tasmine,

which is combo of
taupe and jasmine.

But it now looks like I will be
moving out there for pilot season.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I sold a pilot.

Congrats.

Yeah, but let's get out of here.

Seriously. No,
Donna, listen to me.

I'm house sitting for this
crazy rich friend of mine.

I mean crazy rich.

It's awesome. It's huge.

All modern like the stuff when you read
in the back of the rich people's magazines

that they have at the airport.

- Man, I don't know.
- Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.

Let's go. It'll be mad nice.

We'll get a crew together.
It'll be like the old times.

What rap group
from 1997 are you in?

Whodini.

No, it was two different
kinds of mustard.

Man, it's colder than a witch's
titty out here. There we go.

- No, did I miss it?
- Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Work was hectic. I was
trying to leave three hours ago.

That's okay.

I'm actually leaving
now, though.

I'm gonna go hang out
with some comedians.

- You coming or what?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.

I mean, you can come, but
I just think it might be boring

or actually very
depressing probably.

Is it just the two of you?

It's not like that.

That's what it looks like.

Well, thank you for coming to
Brooklyn, but you didn't have to.

You invited me.

Well, I didn't think that we
made, like, concrete plans.

Yo, this driver is
getting disgruntled.

Okay, one sec. I need
to go, but I am sorry.

Me, too.

Have fun.

My therapist, this is for real,

refers to standup
as plays. I'm serious.

Like, "You did a play last
night. How was your play?"

"How was your
play? Was it good?"

- ls your therapist your Nana?
- No, she's your Nana actually.

- Nana!
- That's why I go to her.

Yeah.

- Dominican woman, right?
- Right.

Yeah, pear-shaped,
huge Marley fan.

Yeah. No, you've definitely,
yeah, nailed down my lineage.

All right, well...

Hey, how come we've
never done this before?

Because a few years ago, I rejected you,
and you've been the worst to me ever since.

So cheers.

Right.

Shit. Fuck!

I have a stain
stick. I really do.

That's all chemicals. This
is wine. I got to soak it.

What?

It was either this or
the baggy sweatshirt.

Then why didn't you
choose the baggy sweatshirt?

'Cause I wanted
to look nice for you.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be very hard to
have a conversation with you

while you're wearing
that ladies' camisole.

Well, then I'll
do all the talking.

What were we talking about?

I don't know. You
just erased my mind.

Break-ups.

Yeah.

I just recently went
through a pretty bad one.

- She cheated on you?
- Worse.

What's worse than getting
cheated on? Think about it.

I mean, I don't
understand how a person

who can claim that they love
you, act like they love you,

say it in words,
say it in action,

can then turn around in
that same breath and tell you

that they don't do anal.

For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.

What? I was kidding.

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.

I was kidding.

Of course she did anal.

You're an idiot.

No, she was Greek Catholic.
You know how they are.

I don't care about the anal
or your stupid loft or any...

I can't even believe I've made
it this deep into this experience.

You know what I think, is that
you should stay the night here,

and we can keep talking
and work some stuff out.

Donna, come on. You
didn't even see the shower.

Donna! All right, I'm gonna
jerk off. You're missing it.

Hi, it's Donna.

I'm really sorry about
tonight. I'm really, really sorry.

I never should have just...

I saw you, and I got very
nervous. I got taken by surprise.

I have something that I
wanna talk to you about,

and I've been
meaning to talk to you.

And I don't wanna leave
it on your voice-mail.

So, will you call
me back, please?

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Sir, can you turn around
and go to Manhattan, please?

You said Brooklyn.

I changed my mind.

Hi.

Are you sick?

What time is it?

I think probably midnight.

What's wrong? What going on?

Mom, can I come in bed with you?

Yeah.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Talk to me.

I'm pregnant, and
I'm having an abortion.

Thank God.

I thought you were gonna
tell me you were moving to LA.

What? No.

God. I was so
scared to tell you.

Sweetheart, I know that we
haven't been getting along lately,

but you should never
be afraid to talk to me.

I was...

I was scared that you'd be
very angry and very disappointed.

Well, I'm neither.

Look, I can't believe
I never told you this,

but when I was in
college, I had an abortion.

- Dad's?
- No. God. Not your father's.

No, it was my college
boyfriend's, Robert.

And abortions were
illegal in those days,

so your grandma had to drive
me in the family station wagon

all the way to New Jersey.

And we had to go to
some stranger's apartment.

When I got up there,
there was 12 other women

just sitting there in
some kind of stupor.

And they put me up
on the kitchen table,

they gave me some
kind of shot to put me out,

and that was that.

Next night, I was dancing
at your aunt's sweet 16 party.

I didn't know that.

You know, I was going
through some old papers,

and I found this
book the other day

that you had written when
you were 11 years old.

- I wrote a book?
- Yes, you don't remember?

You wrote it to me.

You sent me a chapter
every week from camp.

It was about this little girl
detective named Winks.

She had a twitch.

I have a book for you actually

that one of your
students dropped it off,

and somehow it slipped my
mind. I forgot to give it to you.

Max Brown.

Is he, like, a teacher's pet?

Did he compliment you
on your alpaca sweater?

Actually, he's a very good
student and a pretty good writer, too.

Interesting. Why are
you asking about Max?

There's no reason.

Because he's not your type.

Okay, what is my type?

- Smelly.
- Mom!

Ryan didn't wear deodorants
with antiperspirant in them,

because he was
afraid of Alzheimer's.

Right. I would rather not
remember smelling like garbage

than remember that I'd
been stinking my entire life.

Yeah, okay, that was, like,
a very funny observation.

- Thank you.
- You made a full joke.

Darn it. I thought I would
fool you with my 212 number.

Hello, it's me again,
calling you again.

I can't remember the last time I left a
number in my own speaking voice, so...

Anyway, here it is.

I am gonna be at
the store until 5:00

and then maybe attempting to
make people laugh around 8:30.

You should stop
by if you feel like it.

I promise I won't leave with a
stranger unless that stranger is you.

Goodbye.

They say to be
yourself on dates,

but I actually think that's horrible
advice from my experience.

No one wants to talk about how
Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot.

Or how it's offensive
that I'm not his type.

You are gonna kill it out there.

I actually have an appointment
to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry.

Boy. Okay.

- What do you want to drink?
- Seltzer, please.

One seltzer.

I really wanna bring the
next comic to the stage now,

because I think everything
about her is fucking cool.

And I think that you guys are
definitely going to agree with me on this.

She is hot as
shit and brilliant.

Everyone, please
welcome Donna Stern.

You guys like my singing voice?

I just burped into this
because I'm an adult woman.

I do like being an adult woman.

I've always wanted to be that...

I've always wanted to have
just, like, a bra, and a blouse,

and a schedule.

Like, where I could just, like,
be in my house and just be like,

"Oh, my God, I'm running
late," you know? Like...

I've always wanted to be able to
be on the car phone and be like,

"Okay, Susan, will do."

"What? Okay. All
right. Talk soon."

And then just hang up and
not worry about, you know,

why the bathroom
smells in a weird way.

But I'm not here to
talk about car phones.

I came here tonight on
a very different mission.

And that is

to say to you that...

Sorry.

Which is to say to you

that I am pregnant.

Okay, all right, testing the
waters. I dropped that one down.

The second thing that I would
like to say right now, out loud,

and I'm gonna say
it out loud right now.

Out loud, right now...
I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Just rolling along with
this, out loud, right now.

Is that I am going
to have an abortion...

Okay, okay, keep breathing.

...tomorrow, which
is Valentine's Day.

So, we'll start from there.

I'm sure you're wondering
how this happened.

A little thing I like to call getting
banged out in the middle of the night,

the heat, heat, heat of the
night, by a very nice person

that I don't know
very well at all.

I don't know. He was a
stranger, but a nice one.

Probably the best of all the
strangers that are out there.

And of course you guys
aren't strangers anymore

because now you're a
part of my life in a big way.

So I don't know if you've gleaned
that maybe I'm not ready to be a mom.

You're like, "No shit. You
are not ready to be a mom."

And so I decided
to get the abortion,

but I really do love
pregnant ladies,

and there's lots of things about
being a mom that seem fun,

but for me it's just like I can't
tell anyone to shut off the TV.

Equaling I can't
shut off the TV.

I decided to tell my mom, and
I thought she was gonna like,

you know, be super upset,

and, like, set me
on fire and be like,

"You can never come
back to the synagogue."

Which is also kind of a fantasy that I'd
never have to go back to the synagogue.

So boring. Everyone's
breath is horrible there.

But instead,

she was very relieved,

and she actually
ended up telling me

that she herself had gotten
an abortion in the '60s.

Which is pretty amazing

because the bushes
were so big then,

that, you know, they must have really,
you know, really had to hunt for it.

And I can say that because, you
know, once you get an abortion,

you can reveal who
else has had them.

I decided to be on the list of the
very many women that have done this.

Tomorrow is Valentine's
Day, and I can honestly say

it's not going to be the worst
Valentine's Day I've ever had.

It's gonna be okay because

I know that I'm not alone.

I'm totally here.
You guys are here.

You're all gonna come
with me tomorrow.

But it's going to be...

I think it's going to be okay.

And afterwards, I'll
just be in my future.

And, you know, we'll
go from there, right?

I guess so.

That's really it.

You guys have been very
generous to me tonight,

and I've really enjoyed myself.

So, thank you and happy V-Day.

Hope you get all the candy
that you want and deserve.

That's it. Thank you.

- Morning, sunshine.
- Hey.

You were so
incredible last night.

He left.

I was talking about your set.

Thanks.

How's your stomach?
You want this?

No, I don't. I just want this.

Well, when you're
ready, I'll call us a cab.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay, thank you very
much. We are outside.

Five minutes.

Let's just take the train.

No, we're aborting in style.

I'm so cold!

Freezing.

Have you ever heard about
the people on Mount Everest

who are about to die,
and how that is for them?

No, tell me what
happens to them.

It's not like what you imagine.

Like, that there are icicles coming
out of their tears or whatever.

The Sherpa is like,
"Don't sit down."

But then they sit down, because they're
so tired that they'll just die up there.

- Oh, my God.
- And all their parkas are still there.

Max. Max. Max is walking.

Max is walking up. I'm not kidding,
and he has a bouquet of flowers.

No, he's coming.
He's coming. Yeah.

- I can't... What do I do?
- You just... I don't know.

- Pretend I'm saying something.
- You are saying something.

- God...
- He's coming.

- He's getting very close.
- What's my face look like?

It's happening now. He's here.

- Hey.
- Hi.

These are for you.

That's so nice.

I thought, maybe, if it
was all right with you

and you,

I could go with you.

You can look at my sheet. It's
okay. I don't have any secrets.

Nice.

Mental illness
runs in your family.

Yeah, we have
diabetes and depression.

The diabetes?

You guys like to eat a
lot of candy in your family?

Lot of desserts, lot of
pie, lot of brownie sundaes.

- That's darling.
- Yeah.

So cold out today.

When I looked on weather.com
this morning to pick out my outfit,

I saw that it is the
coldest day of the year.

Really?

I heard they're going to start naming
snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.

That's how intense it's
going to be from now on.

The Donna.

Snowstorm of the century.

Donna Two.

Have you ever watched
a weather report before?

Man, I got to get on that.

- Just movie trailers for you, huh?
- Ls that what that is?

Is that all?

I'm sorry I took off last night.

I got your voicemails.

I just didn't know what to do.

I also made a very
extreme move last night.

Yeah, but

it was an asshole
move on my part.

No.

I think we're both
just trying to figure out

- how to do everything.
- Yeah.

I really wanted to tell you when
we were at dinner, but then you...

I freaked out because you started
talking about wanting to be a grandfather.

And you thought I
meant, like, tomorrow?

Well, you're, like, 76, right?

Yeah. Yep.

I just don't... You know.

We've just been acquainted.

I didn't know if you'd
be okay with this.

Are you okay with this?

Yeah. Yes.

- Of course.
- Good.

I want to be a grandpa,
you know, someday.

- Dad first and then... Right.
- Yeah.

This may be the best/worst
Valentine's Day I have ever had.

Which one of you is Donna?

Follow me, please.

Okay.

Well, thank you for coming.

Thanks for letting me.

See you on the other side?

Hi, Donna. The sedative
should be taking effect.

Are you feeling relaxed?

Okay, Donna, we're going
to start the procedure now.

Let us know if you feel
any discomfort at any time.

- Here you go. It's hot. Careful.
- Thank you.

Do you want to put your feet up?

Okay.

- How's that?
- It's good.

I made a bunch of
friends in the waiting room

at the DMV.

Oh, God.

We weren't at the DMV.

I got my license renewed.

You did?

Were you not... I
got the car inspected.

You know, I think
they towed my car.

Yeah, they sort of took a
lot of stuff out of the trunk.

And, you know, for a second,
I was afraid to drive it again,

but I think I probably will.

- So you were there? You were at the DMV.
- Yeah.

That was us.

- Do you want to watch a movie?
- Always.

Okay.

Let's see what we
got going on here.

It is nothing but
romantic comedies.

I just hate that type of film.

I don't connect to it.

Here we go.

We have hit the mother lode.

Gone with the Wind is about to
start. Have you ever seen this?

I have not.

I've never seen it either.

Do you want to watch it?

I mean, I do, but it's,
like, 10 hours long.

Do you have somewhere to be?