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"Red Hot Catholic Love"
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Parents, it's that
time of year again
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00:00:36,994 --> 00:00:39,147
when the bishops and priests
from around the country
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00:00:39,182 --> 00:00:41,444
are organizing the
young men's Catholic retreat.
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This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat trip,
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to discuss Jesus' role as
the navigator of our lives.
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- That sounds pretty fun!
- A Catholic boat trip?
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# The Catholic boat... #
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# Is gonna be
heading on out today #
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# The Catholic boat...
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# Time to throw
all of your cares away #
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# Get some hot
Christian action #
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- # That'll take you- #
- Aghhhh!
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Aghhh!
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Excuse me...
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Look, I just don't think
it's the best idea
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to let our boys go
on a cruise with the priest!
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We can't
let them go, can we?
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There's no way
my son's going.
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- What are they talking about?
- I don't know.
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Maybe they want
to kill us!
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With everything that's
been in the news,
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I think it's best we keep our kids
far away from the priest.
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Now come on,
everybody
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just because a few priests in
the country have been corrupt
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it doesn't that all priests
are child molesters.
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Well sure, that's
easy for you to say,
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your son's dead.
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But those of us
with alive children
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need to be sure that Father
Maxi is on the up and up.
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I've heard about other towns
bringing in counselors
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that know how to
find things out from kids
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without really telling them
what's going on.
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It couldn't hurt.
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00:02:03,945 --> 00:02:05,216
Shhh-shhh,
here he comes!
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Uh... goodbye,
everyone.
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- Night.
- Night, Father.
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Alright then, it's settled.
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Tomorrow, we'll find
an outside counselor and...
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find out the truth.
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Hi, boys, my name
is Mrs. Garache
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and I need to ask you a few
questions about your priest, okay?
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- Okay.
- Alright.
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Okay... would you say that
Father Maxi is nice or mean?
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- Nice. Cool.
- He's fine.
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Okay, what words would you use
describe your church's priest?
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Compassionate.
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Okay... and did Father Maxi,
at any time,
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ever try to put
something in your butt?
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In-in our butt?
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You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed, just--
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Did he ever try to
put anything in your butt?
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Like money, what?
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You mean like
a goldfish?
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No, no... did he ever
try to put anything
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00:03:09,379 --> 00:03:11,653
that belonged to him
in your butt?
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No.
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This is ridiculous.
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Having to sit out here
waiting to find out
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if our priest
molested our kids!
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00:03:19,918 --> 00:03:22,534
Yeah, what has Catholicism
come to, anyway?
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00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,843
You know, I think we've
just had it with the church.
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All the horrible things
they've done to kids.
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I think I'm going to
become an atheist!
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That's a good idea!
I'm going to be an atheist too!
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Let's all be atheists!
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Yeah!
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If there was a god,
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why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place?
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Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!
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- Well, let's just be atheists.
- Same thing.
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- Alright!
- Yeah!
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What would the priest...
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00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,536
possibly want to
put in our butts?
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Maybe... No...
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- Hey, dudes.
- Hey.
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What are you
guys doing?
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We had to go meet
with this counselor lady,
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00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:06,287
and she asked us if the priest
ever put anything in our butts.
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In your butts?
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00:04:08,203 --> 00:04:09,602
Yeah, isn't that
the damnedest thing?
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Why would he put
anything in your butts?
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We don't know, that's what
we're trying to figure out.
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00:04:13,585 --> 00:04:15,151
- Hmm...
- Hmm...
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- Hello there, children!
- Chef!
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What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
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Goodbye!
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Ugh, nobody's
going to tell us!
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This is going to
drive me insane!
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00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,611
Calm down, Tweek, there has to
be a rational explanation.
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00:04:29,646 --> 00:04:31,046
Oh, dude, I think
I might have it.
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What?
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00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:33,575
It makes perfect sense.
Okay, run with me on this:
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If you eat food, you crap out
your butt, right?
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Yeah...
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00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:39,786
Alright, now keep with me here,
it gets a little complicated...
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If you eat food and
crap out your butt,
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then maybe if you
stuck food in your butt,
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you could crap
out your mouth.
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00:04:49,036 --> 00:04:49,710
Hmm?
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00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:52,329
Cartman, that's the dumbest
thing you've ever said!
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This week.
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00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:54,152
Well, that's not dumb
think about it!
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Food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt
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00:04:55,868 --> 00:04:57,529
food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
106
00:04:57,569 --> 00:04:58,851
That's not dumb,
that's genius.
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00:04:59,102 --> 00:05:00,737
- It wouldn't work!
- Have you ever tried it?
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00:05:00,772 --> 00:05:02,040
I don't need to,
it wouldn't work!
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00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:03,557
I'll bet you 20 bucks
it'll work!
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- You're on, fat boy!
- Okay, let's go, Jew!
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00:05:07,022 --> 00:05:09,140
Down with God!
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00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:11,645
- Stan, you're an atheist now!
- You too, Tweek!
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Down with God!
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I'm a what?
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00:05:15,937 --> 00:05:17,777
Fathers, I want to
thank you all for coming.
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No, thank you for finally organizing
an all-priest meeting, Father Maxi.
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I think we all agree something
has to be done quickly.
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Uh-huh.
That's right!
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00:05:25,801 --> 00:05:27,703
I don't know how
it has been for all of you,
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00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:30,845
but attendance at my church
in Fort Rollins is down 63%.
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00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,781
I'm down almost
70 in Greenleaf.
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00:05:32,816 --> 00:05:35,570
Yes, I'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
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00:05:35,605 --> 00:05:37,087
we could lose
our entire religion!
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Yes, we've got to stop these boys
from going to the public!
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00:05:39,987 --> 00:05:41,827
They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.
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00:05:41,862 --> 00:05:43,253
Yup! Uh-huh!
Right!
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00:05:43,288 --> 00:05:45,421
Right, and so--
Wait a minute, what?
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Yes, but we've got to
find out why these children
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00:05:47,991 --> 00:05:49,862
are suddenly finding
it necessary to report
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00:05:49,897 --> 00:05:50,906
that they're
being molested.
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- Stop the problem at its source.
- Yes, but how?
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Whoa, whoa,
hold on a second.
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The problem is that
children are being molested,
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00:05:59,117 --> 00:06:00,195
not that they're
reporting it.
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00:06:03,934 --> 00:06:05,265
How do you mean?
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00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:08,637
Well, I mean, obviously
what we need to put a stop to
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00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,010
is all the
sexual misconduct
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that is allowed to
take place in our churches.
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Not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
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00:06:14,435 --> 00:06:15,982
I mean, right?
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Did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
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- No!
- That's good.
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00:06:19,753 --> 00:06:22,737
No, I mean, I never molested
any of the children in my church!
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It's okay, Father Maxi,
we're all priests here,
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the doors are closed.
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For the love of God!
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00:06:28,716 --> 00:06:30,648
Are you all saying
that you have engaged in
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inappropriate relations
with your altar boys?
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We are here to
bring the light of God,
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not harm the innocent!
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00:06:38,212 --> 00:06:40,100
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
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I'm serious!
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00:06:42,476 --> 00:06:47,093
Father, having sex with boys is part
of the Catholic priest's way of life.
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Yeah.
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00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:53,053
Dear God, this problem
is much more severe
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than I could have
possibly imagined.
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I have to go to
the Vatican and get help!
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Hghnn... hghh...
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00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:04,924
- Well, Cartman?
- Hold on!
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00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:05,919
God, let a man crap!
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00:07:06,235 --> 00:07:09,216
Hgh... hgh...
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00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:10,532
What's going on?
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00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:11,746
Cartman shoved
food up his ass
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and now he's trying
to crap out his mouth.
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Oh.
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Ugnh... hgnnnh...
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Well go on, smart-ass,
and do it!
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00:07:18,413 --> 00:07:19,401
I'm doing it a'ready!
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God, give me a minute!
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00:07:20,986 --> 00:07:22,200
You've had five, dude!
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00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:24,478
I can't do it with
you guys watching.
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Turn around.
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No, because you'll
just crap out your butt
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and then say it
came out your mouth!
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Do you really think I'd be
that deceitful, you guys?
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Oh Goddammit, you guys,
I'm so seriously...
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Ugh... hgngg!
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Hwaaaaagh...
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00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:46,683
Get the fuck out of here!
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00:07:47,269 --> 00:07:49,846
Yes! Yes, I did it!
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I crapped out
my mouth!
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# I crapped
out my mouth #
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You owe me
20 bucks, dickface!
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There you go...
uh... gratsie.
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00:08:02,573 --> 00:08:04,678
Wow, I'm actually here!
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00:08:05,561 --> 00:08:06,914
Vatican City!
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00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:15,498
Your holiness, this is
Father Maxi from America,
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00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:17,492
he has brought this all
to our attention.
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00:08:18,035 --> 00:08:19,086
Your holiness.
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00:08:19,402 --> 00:08:21,137
Rhohhh...
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00:08:23,383 --> 00:08:25,678
Ado ramus te Christe.
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00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,685
In dominus reo.
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00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,366
Cardinals, bishops
and priests.
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00:08:31,401 --> 00:08:33,753
An American priest
by the name of Maxi
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00:08:33,788 --> 00:08:36,934
has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
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00:08:36,969 --> 00:08:38,976
All over his country,
there are reports
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00:08:39,011 --> 00:08:41,935
of children being molested
by men of the church.
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00:08:42,227 --> 00:08:44,175
If things
continue this way,
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00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:47,135
we'll never be able to have
sex with young boys again!
200
00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:48,911
Yeah! Uh-huh!
That's right!
201
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,616
That's right--
Wait, what?!
202
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:53,523
In France as well, we are
finding it harder and harder
203
00:08:53,558 --> 00:08:55,119
to make love to our boys.
204
00:08:55,154 --> 00:08:57,645
In Morocco, they have
arrested five of my priests.
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00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,004
It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us!
206
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,241
Father Maxi, what do
you suggest we do
207
00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:03,130
to not get caught?
208
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:04,828
"Not get caught"?!
No!
209
00:09:04,863 --> 00:09:07,952
I think what we should do
is not have sex with boys!
210
00:09:07,987 --> 00:09:10,330
Rumble, rumble.
Rumble, rumble.
211
00:09:10,365 --> 00:09:13,732
It is not written anywhere in
the holy document of Vatican law
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00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,488
that sex with the boys
is wrong.
213
00:09:15,523 --> 00:09:18,760
Maybe we need to change
the holy document of Vatican law.
214
00:09:19,513 --> 00:09:21,250
Rumble! Rumble!
Aaagh!
215
00:09:21,541 --> 00:09:23,672
Speaking on behalf of
the British Catholics,
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00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:25,883
it is obvious
the priest doesn't realize
217
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:28,843
that the holy document of
Vatican law cannot be changed!
218
00:09:29,886 --> 00:09:31,552
Yeah! True!
That's right!
219
00:09:32,424 --> 00:09:35,302
Yes, and speaking on behalf of
the Gelgamek Catholics,
220
00:09:35,337 --> 00:09:38,424
I believe we should move on to
other solutions to this problem.
221
00:09:39,014 --> 00:09:40,901
Rumble! Rumble!
Yeah!
222
00:09:41,262 --> 00:09:42,385
Gelgameks?!
223
00:09:46,321 --> 00:09:47,880
Kyle, could you
help me out?
224
00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:49,022
I need some advice...
225
00:09:49,271 --> 00:09:51,598
- What?
- It's just that...
226
00:09:51,734 --> 00:09:54,358
I can't decide what to buy
with your twenty dollars!
227
00:09:54,955 --> 00:09:56,947
I was thinking of getting
this Megaman racer for 19.95
228
00:09:56,982 --> 00:09:59,175
or I could get two Broncos
trading packs for 10 apiece.
229
00:09:59,210 --> 00:10:00,180
And then I thought--
230
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:09,240
Oh boy, now that
we're atheists,
231
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,578
we don't have to pray
for our food!
232
00:10:10,613 --> 00:10:12,166
That's right,
everyone just dig in!
233
00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:15,703
So kids, anything fun happen
with your whole Sunday off?
234
00:10:16,621 --> 00:10:18,851
Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass
and crapped out his mouth.
235
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,554
- Stanley!
- What, he did!
236
00:10:20,589 --> 00:10:22,626
No, it doesn't
work that way, son.
237
00:10:22,836 --> 00:10:23,620
Yeah, it does.
238
00:10:23,986 --> 00:10:24,936
No, it doesn't.
239
00:10:24,937 --> 00:10:26,152
Yeah... it does.
240
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:34,199
Hgh... hgh...
241
00:10:35,570 --> 00:10:37,074
Hwaaaaaa...
242
00:10:39,254 --> 00:10:41,068
Honey!
Honey, come quick!
243
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:47,191
Look, people...
I'm just trying to say
244
00:10:47,226 --> 00:10:51,014
that if we don't change the
holy document of Vatican law
245
00:10:51,049 --> 00:10:53,473
then we might lose
everyone to atheism!
246
00:10:53,724 --> 00:10:56,423
What exactly do you
suggest we change, Father Maxi?
247
00:10:56,654 --> 00:10:58,715
Well for one...
no sex with boys.
248
00:10:59,508 --> 00:11:01,324
Rumble! Rumble!
Agh!
249
00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:03,762
The holy document
of Vatican law states that
250
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,029
a priest, bishop or cardinal
cannot get married.
251
00:11:06,064 --> 00:11:07,765
So where are we
to get our sex?
252
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:11,297
Well then perhaps we could
change the holy Vatican law
253
00:11:11,332 --> 00:11:14,287
to say that it's okay for
a priest or bishop or cardinal
254
00:11:14,322 --> 00:11:15,090
to have sex...
255
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:16,164
with women.
256
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:19,252
Hawhhh! Rumble!
Women!
257
00:11:19,674 --> 00:11:22,017
The Gelgamek vagina
is three feet wide
258
00:11:22,052 --> 00:11:23,604
and filled with
razor-sharp teeth!
259
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:26,104
Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?!
260
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:31,660
Maybe we need to forget about
the Gelgameks for a second
261
00:11:31,695 --> 00:11:33,749
- and focus on--
- Forget about the Gelgameks!
262
00:11:35,619 --> 00:11:38,097
I'm just saying that
what works on planet Gelgamek
263
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:41,296
isn't necessarily going to work
for the rest of us here on Earth.
264
00:11:41,331 --> 00:11:43,775
You see, that's the problem
we're having here.
265
00:11:44,195 --> 00:11:47,588
But the holy document of
Vatican law cannot be changed!
266
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:48,632
Why not?
267
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:50,923
Because we don't know
where it is.
268
00:11:52,739 --> 00:11:55,527
You see, Father, the holy
document of Vatican law
269
00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:58,818
has hidden away deep in the
catacombs of St. Peters below us.
270
00:11:59,058 --> 00:12:01,401
Hidden away so that
it can never be changed.
271
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:04,859
But if we locate it, we could
make changes to it?
272
00:12:04,894 --> 00:12:06,615
Ha!
Good luck, Father!
273
00:12:06,650 --> 00:12:10,287
The document is guarded by water
lizards, rattlesnakes and sand traps.
274
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:13,380
The fools who tried before to
recover it, met their death!
275
00:12:13,415 --> 00:12:15,983
Well we have to try,
our religion is dying!
276
00:12:17,297 --> 00:12:18,679
You guys, you guys, look!
277
00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:19,451
Agh!
278
00:12:19,486 --> 00:12:21,930
I went down to the bank,
and I got Kyle's 20 dollar bill
279
00:12:21,965 --> 00:12:23,586
turned into 20
single dollar bills!
280
00:12:23,621 --> 00:12:25,170
- So?
- So?!
281
00:12:25,171 --> 00:12:26,504
So now I can do this...
282
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:31,292
Yesssss... Yesss...
Kyle's money...
283
00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:33,130
Mmmmm, Kyle's money...
284
00:12:33,165 --> 00:12:34,392
Go fuck yourself,
Cartman!
285
00:12:34,427 --> 00:12:36,656
Oh, feels so good
on my skin... mmmm...
286
00:12:36,691 --> 00:12:38,284
Get up, fat boy, I'm
gonna kick your ass!
287
00:12:38,435 --> 00:12:40,109
Geez, Kyle, don't be
a sore loser.
288
00:12:40,144 --> 00:12:41,483
It's over, okay?
I won, let it go.
289
00:12:41,518 --> 00:12:42,708
So you crapped
out your mouth!
290
00:12:42,743 --> 00:12:43,389
Good for you!
291
00:12:43,424 --> 00:12:44,724
It's still stupid
and immature!
292
00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:45,662
Dude, look!
293
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:46,958
Our top story tonight:
294
00:12:46,993 --> 00:12:48,956
The age-old question
has been answered.
295
00:12:48,991 --> 00:12:51,595
"If I put food up my ass
will I crap out my mouth?"
296
00:12:51,630 --> 00:12:54,260
All over the country people are
discovering that yes,
297
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:55,263
in fact, you will!
298
00:12:55,298 --> 00:12:57,189
The surgeon general
had this to say:
299
00:12:57,224 --> 00:13:00,088
...and the immediate research
shows that the act
300
00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:02,585
is not only amusing,
but in fact much healthier
301
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,412
for our bodies
than the old way of eating.
302
00:13:04,447 --> 00:13:05,956
You see, food entering
through the anus
303
00:13:05,991 --> 00:13:08,685
has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach
304
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:09,569
rather than afterward.
305
00:13:09,604 --> 00:13:11,959
Therefore, I believe that
intero-rectogestion
306
00:13:11,994 --> 00:13:14,029
would actually put a stop to
high cholesterol
307
00:13:14,064 --> 00:13:15,728
and most kinds
of stomach cancers.
308
00:13:15,763 --> 00:13:17,885
And I base that
on absolutely nothing.
309
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,369
The surgeon general's response
310
00:13:19,404 --> 00:13:22,231
has made Americans change their
eating habits almost instantly.
311
00:13:22,266 --> 00:13:24,070
"That's stupid
and immature, Cartman."
312
00:13:24,105 --> 00:13:25,423
It is stupid and immature!
313
00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:27,380
So you got people to crap out
their mouths, what do you want?
314
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:28,205
A freaking medal?
315
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,694
The mayor of south park has
announced that
316
00:13:29,729 --> 00:13:31,531
for first discovering this
healthy way of eating,
317
00:13:31,566 --> 00:13:34,350
young citizen Eric Cartman will
be given a freaking medal!
318
00:13:34,385 --> 00:13:35,735
Aaaghhg!
319
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:39,447
Back now with more on
"Martha Stewart Living".
320
00:13:39,908 --> 00:13:42,257
In the past few days we've all
heard of the benefits
321
00:13:42,292 --> 00:13:45,068
of intero-rectogestion,
and so making foods
322
00:13:45,103 --> 00:13:47,325
that can easily be inserted
into the ass is essential.
323
00:13:47,656 --> 00:13:50,522
Everyone knows that some foods
are simple to shove up the ass;
324
00:13:50,557 --> 00:13:51,788
puddings, soups, raisins-
325
00:13:51,823 --> 00:13:53,765
This is a nice
raisin pudding right here-
326
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,915
but we can also still
eat our favorite foods.
327
00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:56,875
What we're going to do today,
328
00:13:56,910 --> 00:13:59,155
is prepare a thanksgiving turkey
for intero-recto.
329
00:14:00,009 --> 00:14:02,090
Now the key to shoving
a turkey up your ass,
330
00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:03,438
is first wrapping
it in string,
331
00:14:03,473 --> 00:14:05,413
keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
332
00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:07,440
Mrs. Stewart,
we have some questions.
333
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:10,355
Not right now, I just want to
focus on my turkey right now.
334
00:14:10,957 --> 00:14:12,291
Now we're going to
baste the turkey
335
00:14:12,326 --> 00:14:14,338
with lubricating gel
rather than with juice,
336
00:14:14,373 --> 00:14:16,576
this will help smooth
the insertion later on.
337
00:14:17,042 --> 00:14:19,582
We still bake at 400 degrees for
twenty minutes a pound...
338
00:14:19,617 --> 00:14:21,567
and when it's done we'll get
something like this.
339
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,494
So now we're
ready to go.
340
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,755
Looks delicious,
let's try it out!
341
00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:30,350
Ugnnn...
342
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:31,800
Uuggghhhn...
343
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:37,540
Yeah, get it up there,
yeah, uggnnnhhh, yeah!
344
00:14:38,506 --> 00:14:42,701
Agh... whew!
345
00:14:42,736 --> 00:14:44,254
And that is how
you eat a turkey.
346
00:14:44,569 --> 00:14:45,998
We'll be right back with more.
347
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,218
Prego!
348
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:03,676
Hello, my name is Father Maxi
from the United States.
349
00:15:03,711 --> 00:15:05,318
What do you seek, Father?
350
00:15:05,353 --> 00:15:09,416
I'm trying to find the
holy document of Vatican law
351
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,553
so that we can
make revisions to it.
352
00:15:11,854 --> 00:15:15,024
The gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.
353
00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:18,414
But many trials
await thee inside.
354
00:15:18,449 --> 00:15:21,267
Only he whose heart
truly belongs to the Lord
355
00:15:21,302 --> 00:15:22,481
shall make it through.
356
00:15:22,516 --> 00:15:24,940
I have to try,
our religion is in trouble
357
00:15:24,975 --> 00:15:26,797
and that scroll
may be our only hope.
358
00:15:26,832 --> 00:15:28,422
Then prepare yourself.
359
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:34,068
The time of trials begins...
Ado ramus te Christe!
360
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:40,603
I wish you luck, Father.
361
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:44,166
Use all the strength, agility
and faith that you have.
362
00:15:44,201 --> 00:15:46,644
Very well.
Here we go.
363
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:02,180
Hmm, there's
a ladder up here...
364
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,307
Oh my God, a rattlesnake!
365
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:07,136
A way back up!
366
00:16:10,874 --> 00:16:11,837
I made it!
367
00:16:11,872 --> 00:16:14,646
Praise be to God,
he hath shown me the way.
368
00:16:15,636 --> 00:16:17,085
This must be it...
369
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,584
The holy document
of Vatican law.
370
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:25,780
Well Sharon and I are having
a great time being atheists.
371
00:16:25,815 --> 00:16:28,002
I for one can't believe
I used to live my life
372
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:30,852
by what a very old and very
fictional book used to say!
373
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:34,394
Well, it's true, what do
a bunch of stories
374
00:16:34,429 --> 00:16:37,224
about people in robes slaughtering
goats have to do with today's world?
375
00:16:37,259 --> 00:16:39,361
Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
376
00:16:39,396 --> 00:16:41,799
I made some quesadillas
if anybody wants some!
377
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:42,814
Ooh!
378
00:16:42,849 --> 00:16:44,558
And if anybody
needs to potty,
379
00:16:44,593 --> 00:16:45,793
there's a potty basket
right here.
380
00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:47,017
Oh thanks, Sharon.
381
00:16:47,052 --> 00:16:48,688
For Martha and I,
we're worried
382
00:16:48,723 --> 00:16:50,855
we might have a hard time
raising our son atheist.
383
00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:52,251
I mean...
Oh, thank you.
384
00:16:52,286 --> 00:16:54,509
I mean it could end up
being very difficult
385
00:16:54,544 --> 00:16:56,796
raising an atheist child
in such a Christian society.
386
00:16:56,831 --> 00:16:59,435
I feel like everywhere
my poor son goes
387
00:16:59,470 --> 00:17:02,154
he's going to be
persecuted for his beliefs.
388
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:03,057
That's true.
389
00:17:03,092 --> 00:17:04,988
If I'm going to
raise my son to be atheist,
390
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:07,436
I don't want him saying
"under God" every day at school.
391
00:17:07,471 --> 00:17:08,950
That could really
damage him!
392
00:17:08,985 --> 00:17:11,389
"Under god" should be
taken out of the-- Excuse me.
393
00:17:11,424 --> 00:17:13,486
Hhhhwaaaa...
394
00:17:14,758 --> 00:17:17,300
"Under God" should be taken out
of the pledge of allegiance.
395
00:17:17,335 --> 00:17:18,634
Yup! Yup!
I agree.
396
00:17:18,669 --> 00:17:20,581
And it should be taken
off of money as well.
397
00:17:20,616 --> 00:17:22,316
The religious right
in this country
398
00:17:22,351 --> 00:17:24,784
is trying to force our children
to believe what they-
399
00:17:25,716 --> 00:17:29,038
Hwaaaaaagh...
400
00:17:29,073 --> 00:17:31,394
And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids!
401
00:17:31,956 --> 00:17:33,090
Yeah! Yeah!
That's right.
402
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,277
Cardinals, bishops
and priests!
403
00:17:38,312 --> 00:17:40,005
Father Maxi has returned!
404
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,886
And he has the holy document
of the Vatican law!
405
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,901
How did he make it
past the water lizards?
406
00:17:46,936 --> 00:17:50,664
Yes, I have returned with the
holy document of Vatican law,
407
00:17:50,699 --> 00:17:53,075
so can we please
change it now
408
00:17:53,110 --> 00:17:55,443
to say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?
409
00:17:57,115 --> 00:17:58,010
Wait, wait!
410
00:17:58,167 --> 00:18:00,041
The pope wants
to say something!
411
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:07,519
The pope says we shall
ask the highest source!
412
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:08,893
Ahhhh!
413
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,182
Oh my!
414
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,285
The holy one!
415
00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:24,332
Behold the great
queen spider!
416
00:18:24,601 --> 00:18:26,819
Hail, queen spider.
417
00:18:26,854 --> 00:18:27,883
Queen spider?
418
00:18:27,918 --> 00:18:31,154
Oh, great queen spider,
we seek your guidance.
419
00:18:31,189 --> 00:18:33,596
What do you ask of me?
420
00:18:33,797 --> 00:18:37,171
Great queen spider, we wish
to change one of the Vatican rules.
421
00:18:37,724 --> 00:18:39,692
The Vatican rules
cannot be changed.
422
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:41,485
So sayeth the spider.
423
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,089
Go on, priest Maxi,
see if you can convince her.
424
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,737
All right, that does it!
I have had enough!
425
00:18:46,772 --> 00:18:50,380
You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
426
00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:54,357
You sit in this big room with your
Gelgameks and your queen spider
427
00:18:54,392 --> 00:18:56,866
and none of it applies to what
being a Catholic is all about!
428
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:59,451
But the holy document
of Vatican law states that--
429
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:01,943
To hell with the holy document
of Vatican law!
430
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:11,859
You guys, you guys!
431
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:13,836
I took Kyle's 20 dollars
down to the bank again,
432
00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:15,501
and I got it changed
into quarters!
433
00:19:15,536 --> 00:19:16,314
So?
434
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:18,419
So now I can dump them
into this little pool
435
00:19:18,454 --> 00:19:20,145
and swim in them
all day long!
436
00:19:20,168 --> 00:19:23,166
Yay, Kyle's money.
437
00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:25,930
Cartman, there's something
I need to tell you.
438
00:19:26,202 --> 00:19:27,655
Ooh, what's that, Kyle?
439
00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:29,722
You were totally,
100% right.
440
00:19:29,757 --> 00:19:32,560
- Huh... What?
- You won the bet.
441
00:19:32,595 --> 00:19:33,578
You were
totally accurate
442
00:19:33,613 --> 00:19:34,863
about being able
to crap out your mouth,
443
00:19:34,898 --> 00:19:37,071
and I've just been frustrated
because I didn't think of it first.
444
00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:38,714
I want you to
enjoy that money because
445
00:19:38,749 --> 00:19:40,374
you really impressed me
with your insight,
446
00:19:40,424 --> 00:19:42,255
and I'm proud to
have you as a friend.
447
00:19:46,234 --> 00:19:48,888
You son-of-a-bitch, Kyle!
I hate you!
448
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:52,872
Down with God!
Yeah! Atheists rule!
449
00:19:52,907 --> 00:19:55,652
Great news, Stan,
the Vatican is burning down!
450
00:19:55,687 --> 00:19:57,357
Score one
for us atheists!
451
00:19:57,392 --> 00:19:59,406
Come on, Tweek, we're
gonna go watch on TV!
452
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:05,546
Gone...
It's all gone.
453
00:20:06,008 --> 00:20:08,907
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi,
you've killed our religion.
454
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,002
No, I didn't!
455
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,684
All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.
456
00:20:13,075 --> 00:20:15,633
You've forgotten what
being a Catholic is all about:
457
00:20:15,954 --> 00:20:17,791
This book...
458
00:20:18,197 --> 00:20:20,474
You see, these are
just stories.
459
00:20:20,927 --> 00:20:23,738
Stories that are meant to help
guide people in the right direction.
460
00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:26,486
Love your neighbor,
be a good person.
461
00:20:26,897 --> 00:20:27,917
That's it.
462
00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:30,104
And when you start
turning the stories
463
00:20:30,139 --> 00:20:32,492
into literal translations
of hierarchies and power,
464
00:20:32,527 --> 00:20:35,086
well... well you
end up with this!
465
00:20:37,232 --> 00:20:38,831
People are
losing faith because
466
00:20:38,866 --> 00:20:41,912
they don't see how what you've turned
the religion into applies to them.
467
00:20:41,947 --> 00:20:44,796
They've lost touch with any idea
of any kind of religion,
468
00:20:44,831 --> 00:20:47,635
and when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by,
469
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:50,978
they just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths!
470
00:20:52,783 --> 00:20:53,953
What was that
last bit?
471
00:20:54,279 --> 00:20:56,086
Look, I'm proud
to be a Catholic.
472
00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:58,209
But I am a Catholic
in the real world,
473
00:20:58,244 --> 00:20:59,556
in today's world.
474
00:20:59,830 --> 00:21:01,646
It's time for you all
to do that too.
475
00:21:01,917 --> 00:21:04,451
It is time... for change.
476
00:21:09,363 --> 00:21:10,654
He's right, Sharon.
477
00:21:10,983 --> 00:21:12,951
We don't have to believe
every word of the Bible
478
00:21:12,986 --> 00:21:14,767
they're just stories
to help us live by.
479
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:16,908
We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the Bible
480
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,945
just because some assholes
in Italy screwed it up.
481
00:21:19,228 --> 00:21:21,978
Oh, Randy, I don't want to
put food up my butt anymore.
482
00:21:22,329 --> 00:21:25,261
Gang... I think maybe
we owe God an apology.
483
00:21:25,296 --> 00:21:27,287
Does this mean we have to
go to church on Sundays again?
484
00:21:27,302 --> 00:21:30,380
No... it means
we get to, son.
485
00:21:30,602 --> 00:21:33,351
It means we get to.
486
00:21:35,831 --> 00:21:36,534
Hwaaaaa...
34728
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