All language subtitles for Joe.Lycett.Im.About.to.Lose.Control.and.I.Think.Joe.Lycett.Live.AMZN.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BLUTONIUM

AUDIENCE CHATTER EXCITEDLY

AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

JOE: Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.

Please welcome to the stage
your friend and mine

it's Mr Joe Lycett!

AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Hello, everyone. Are you well?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

JOE:
Oh, lovely!

Thank you, lovely.
Give me a cheer if you're from London!

PEOPLE CHEER

Lovely. Give me a cheer
if you're from Birmingham.

PEOPLE CHEER

Oh, sure, which part of Birmingham
are you from?

MANS VOICE:
Walsall.

Walsall, gutter trash!

Oh, my word!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I will be slagging you off
later on in the show.

Don't worry about... Have you travelled
from Walsall for the show?

JOE: Oh, thank you!

Did you get the train?
I heard the trains were quite bad.

It was fine, it was alright.
Oh, lovely...

Did you get on the fast one,
on the Virgin one, or did you...?

No you didn't.
The cheap, the Chiltern.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Proper gutter trash this lot.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Lovely air-con
on the Chiltern though, isn't it lovely?

I do that journey a lot.
I wasn't gonna start the show with this.

But here we are now...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Well, welcome to the show,
thank you so much for coming along.

Give me a cheer if you feel like
you've travelled the furthest.

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

Where have you travelled from?

The woman who put her hand up.

That's who I'm looking at.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You weren't expecting a follow up question,
were you?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm going to come down to your level.

Not intellectually, of course.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Hello there.

Don't panic, it'll all be fine.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What's your name?
- WOMAN: Flora

Hello, Flora,
and who are you here with, Flora?

JOE:
Are you courting?

Banging?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

When did we start banging?

It's the first date?

No, is it actually?

And you're this trashed?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

JOE:
Jesus!

Did you... is it a Tinder
or is it like...

Itis. Oh, OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Well this is being immortalised
on my DVD you realise!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- JOE: So...

I hope you marry.

If you get married,
I'm coming to the wedding.

We're all coming aren't we?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- We can have a lovely time.

Maybe have a glass of water in the interval.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I'm worried about you, Flora.

Does someone know you're out?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I mean, I like the look of him,
he looks sweet, but you never know.

You know you never can...

What do you do?
What are your prospects?

Oh, no. I wasn't asking you, Flora.
I feel like you've got lots of prospects

You're a psychotherapist, OK.
What do you do?

MAN: I make stuff in China.

You make stuff in China.
He's a drug dealer isn't he?

He's a drug dealer.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Good luck to you, Flora.

What's your name,
man that makes stuff in China?

MAN: Paul.

Paul. Paul and Flora.
That sound nice doesn't it? Feels like a...

a lasting relationship, I feel.

Have you just...
How long have you both been single?

I feel like we're on Love Island now.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

How long have you both been single?

Flora? Three years.

Two years? OK.

Six months, OK.

So about time, yes. It's ready to...

You know... I've been single
for about two years

I'm ready to fuck all of you.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is how I get there.

This is how I sort of, allure you in.

Just by sitting in this very attractive way.

Well, welcome to the filming of my DVD.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Love your top,
where's that from?

You've no idea, you've stolen a top.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- What's your name?

GIRL: Zara.

Zara, hello Zara.
Is there any chance that it's from Zara.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What do you think of this top?

ZARA: I like it.

Do you like it? What do we think?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Right, cos... so I don't normally wear this.

Apparently, cos we're filming it
the shirt that I normally wear's a bit much.

But I put it here
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Apparently this is a bit much,
I mean...

look at this.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I wanted to wear that.
- AUDIENCE WHISTLES

I couldn't work out if it looked like,
I'd sort of collapsed at a marathon.

Do you know what I mean?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Julian Clary had fucked a Ferrero Rocher

and here we are.

So I've gone with this number.

Welcome along.
I'm so thrilled that you're all here.

And there's all these
bloody cameras everywhere.

Thank you so much for coming.

This is extraordinary,
there are so many of you, it's lovely.

Who are you here with, Zara?
Is this your fr--

Hello, Jess.
Nice to see you, Jess.

Are you well?
- JESS: I'm great.

Are you eating well,
are you hydrated?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What are you drinking?
Two Heinekens!

Oh, my God. Look at these basic bitches
down here on the front row.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I like it though... I'd love to have a drink.

I might have one later,
I feel like I've got stuff to do now.

I'llhave one later.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Give me a cheer if you're drinking.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Yes, lovely, good.

I did dry January.
Did anyone do dry January?

AUDIENCE CHEER

No, I don't recommend it.

Yes, I learnt one thing -

my friends are fucking boring,
that's what I learnt.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

If I have to look at another baby picture,
sorry if you're preg

or if you're had a child,
but just spare me your shit.

Honestly!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Really good way
of not looking at baby pictures

repeatedly and aggressively shout

HE SHOUTS:
No!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

They go away after a while,
it's marvellous, marvellous...

Did dry... I've done it twice now.

I did it last year, when I was living with
mother and father, Dave and Helen.

Great couple of lads.

And um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This might be over-sharing this early on
in the show, but as a result of dry January

I got a lot of "morning wood", shall we say?

A little... stiffy in the D, as us lads say
don't we, and um...

A mechanic came round to collect my car

and Mum answered the door.
She shouted up, she said

"Joe, you got your car keys?"

I was having a dream about Idris Elba.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

As is my right!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I had a little tent effect in the pyjamas -

not a full yurt, just a tent

and I... I tried to supress it with my hand
in my pyjama pocket

but it didn't really work so what I did
is I tucked it between my legs.

I don't know if anyone has walked
down a staircase

with a semi trapped in their gooch.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But it's fraught with peril.

I managed... I got to the bottom step
and then I tripped

and it sprang out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A sort of baby
punching its way out of my man-gina

Anyway, long story short, the car's fine
but mum's not happy, she's not happy.

I will be slagging her off
later on in the show.

So don't worry about that.
Helen will be getting it, both barrels.

Did, um... Did dry January again this year
for different reasons.

I went to the doctor last summer
and I was feeling tired all the time

and he did some tests
and apparently I'm deficient.

I'm deficient in vitamins B

D, folic acid and Omega 3.

And he said, one: eat better

cos I eat loads of trash

and also go to a pharmacy,
get a supplement with all of these in

you'll start to feel better.

So I went to Boots.

The only supplement that has all of these in

is pregnancy support.

So...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've been on pregnancy support
for the last few months

and I'll tell you what,
I feel like a pregnant woman.

I sit down backwards onto chairs,
I do that one.

Talk about myself the whole fucking time.

I'm a pregnant woman.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Sorry if you're preg.
I'm gonna be slagging you off now.

It's just I'm turning 30 this year

and so many of my friends are having kids.

I've got a text actually, which you can use
if you'd like. I'm so thrilled with it.

If somebody's just had a baby

I'll text them, I'll say,
"Are you sleeping?"

Cos, inevitably they won't be and they go
"Oh, no I haven't slept for days".

That kind of reply... nonsense,
and then I'll...

go back and I'm so thrilled
with the wording of this.

I go back and I say

"It'll all be worth it
when they're softly stroking your hair

as you slip into oblivion".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It's like Shakespeare,
isn't it marvellous?

Met one of my friend's kids last year.

A friend I went to university with,
her daughter.

I avoided this child for four years,
she's four years old.

I'd heard bad things.

Met her last year.

She's the worst person I've ever met.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I've met Eamonn Holmes!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I won't use her real name,
that would be unfair. Let's call her...

Mugabe.

And she was very...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Just spoilt, really.

We were sat at dinner and she was here
and she was kicking me in the legs.

And at one point she caught my shin
and I went "fuck!"

She started crying, the mum said

"Please don't swear in front of my child".

I was like "Oh, is that your child?"
I thought someone just

condensed North Korea
into a small woman, actually.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Little bitch. But I've got a, um...

I've got a god daughter who I adore.

She is eleven
and I think she might be a genius.

Cos, um... she loves painting,
and I've got this office in Birmingham.

So I took her to the office
to do some painting

and we painted this mural on the wall.

And while we were painting it,
I said to her, I said

"What do you think art is?"
Just out of curiosity.

And she thought about it and she said

"Well, it's trust".

And I said
"What do you mean by that?"

And she said "Well, if you trust
something's good, then itis."

I was like,
fucking hell it's the most...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- ...profound thing anyone's ever said to me.

From an eleven-year-old!

I was like, have another go on the bong.
What are you gonna say next?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

When the meow meow came out,
the things she was saying... extraordinary!

So yes, I'm trying to be healthier,

I love a full fat coke
and I'm on diet cokes now

and I'm struggling with it, really.

Funnily enough, I was at a university reunion
drinking a diet coke

and I went up to a girl who I didn't know
that well at university

and I was holding this diet coke, and...

I said to her, I said "Oh, hello,
how are you, what are you up to now?"

And she went
"I hate that, I hate small talk".

I'm sorry, I'm not sure how conversation
works with you now then.

"How did the death of your father affect
your sex life?" Just straight on in...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She said, "You shouldn't be drinking that",
and I said "Why?".

Now what I think she meant to say was
"It's full of aspartame”.

What she actually said was,
"You shouldn't be drinking that".

"It's full of apartheid."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I knew it was bad, didn't realise it was
that bad, bloody hell!

I tried being a fruitarian.

That's where you can only eat
things that have fallen from trees.

I managed one day.

I had three cooking apples...

and an owl.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Arguably the best joke of the show, that.

Pissed it away in the first section,
there she goes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Off she flies!

Bless you.
- AUDIENCE APPLAUD

I have another version of that joke

which was three cooking apples
and a small boy

but I felt like it was potentially too much.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Um, we're gonna go to an interval shortly.

Before we do that, I'd like to tell you about
a little project I've been working on

with the EDL,
the English Defence League.

Any member in? Any members?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Occasionally there's a crossover
with my audience with the EDL.

If you're not familiar with the EDL

they don't like Muslims or hair.

Those are the two things they despise.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Muslims and hair.

There was a rally last summer.

A rally in Birmingham.
You might have seen this picture from it.

This is a girl called Sophia Khan.

She was facing up to one of the EDL members
- AUDIENCE CHEER

with this...
Yes, she's amazing, Sophia Khan.

With this serenity and calmness on her face

with all this aggression
from the EDL member.

In the weeks preceding this rally

I discovered somebody I went to school with

who I am erroneously still friends with
on Facebook

is a member of the EDL

and was trying to generate support
for this rally

with his own Facebook group.

Now, I like to troll people
on social media...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- ...using various aliases that I create.

So I went on as Angela Middlebin.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I wrote: "Hi, guys

looking forward to the rally in Brum later.

Think it will be a lovely day for it.

I work in PR with some high-profile

right wing, and right-leaning commentators

such as Katie Hopkins

Piers Morgan and Fern Britton",

Now...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Fern Britton is, I don't think,
right-wing in any way

but she blocked me on Twitter
so fuck her!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I mean, Fern Britton of all people!
I felt like I'd been blocked by Ghandi!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm now un-blocked.

I should mention that... um...

it's a long story, really.

I won't go into it.

There was a threat on her life,
let's move on.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

JOE IN A VILLAIN VOICE:
She'll be dead by dusk!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She won't.
She's actually a very nice lady.

I continued, "One of my clients
brought to my attention

the fact that there is an organisation
already using the name EDL.

This is all true, I did some research.

It is a company called
Electricité De Liban

and supplies electricity
to the country of Lebanon.

According to recent stats,
Lebanon is 54% Muslim

which means, in effect, that the EDL
is powering Muslims.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

As a result I think an immediate
re-brand of the EDL

and change of name
ahead of the rally is necessary.

I've discussed this
with my colleagues in the office

and we have come up with the name
"Eyes On Islam"

or "Eyesis" for short.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

See you all there, love Angela".

Within three minutes,
somebody called Ben, put

"Uh... ‘join Eyesis' sounds a lot like ISIS",

JOE, SARCASTICALLY:
Well done, Ben!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He suggested,
"What about UK defence league?"

You could have @ukdl on Twitter.

Now, I did some research into this
to see if this is viable.

Unfortunately for Ben, it's not.

There's already and @ukdl account on Twitter.

Um, you can... it's private

but you can read the blurb.
This is the blurb.

"We all start off in nappies,
many of us will end up in them

so why not enjoy them in between as well?

It's an adult nappy wearer.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Which is...

Fine!

Each to their own, you do you

but I'm not sure the vibe
the EDL is going for.

So I suggested,
"What about the Islamic Cessation Group

or 'I-CEASE!' for short?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Ben puts, "Still sounds like ISIS."

JOE, SARCASTICALLY:
Well done, Ben!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I put, "How about:
Islam Should Immediately Stop"

or "ISIS, for short?"
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He worked it out then.
He put, "fuck off this group, Angela".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I said "OK, Ben, sorry for the hassle.

I've got to go to the opticians anyway.

Got a pus-filled growth on my cornea.

I think it's an eye cyst."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Bit of pun fun there.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Bless you.

Right, interval time.

I often think my audiences
are funnier than I am.

So I'd like to test that theory
with a little Twitter game.

I'd like you to tweet me in on @joelycett,
that's my Twitter name

and I'd like you to tweet me in with
"Make a TV presenter sexy".

Something like Jizzy Carr but...

funnier than that.
That's the best I can come up with.

Send as many as you can think of in.

We'll go through the best ones
after the interval.

We'll do 20 minutes and then that's it.

See you shortly.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

So what did you think?

You call that a joke?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll try better next time.
- Not better...

Best!
- I know, I'm sorry I've let you down.

I've really let you down.

Yes, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Ashamed, I tell you.

Right, I'm really feeling like
I can do better this time.

Not better, best!

Ok, best.

Show me the money!
- JOE: I will!

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

Ah, lovely.

Thank you.

Good interval? Good interval?

My agent was being a real prick back there.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've been reading your tweets,
some fucked-up people in this room.

Oh! Right!

Um, if I call your name out...

If I read one of your tweets out
can you stand up for us?

Could we have house lights up
for this, as well

just so I can see them?

JOE MAKES COMEDY
NOISE OF DISGUST

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, also...
Leon are you alright to..?

This is Leon, everybody.
Say "Hi, Leon".

AUDIENCE SHOUTS:
Hi, Leon.

Are you alright to come out?

So, they've said this is my cameraman,
I can do whatever I like with him.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I mean, if anyone's got suggestions...

Hello, Leon.

Can we... lets...
$0 we're gonna zoom in on people.

Oh, lovely. Look at that.

Let's just have a test, oh yes.

What are these guys...
What's your names?

Tony.
- Tony and...?

Richard.
- Tony and Richard.

How do you know each other,
Tony and Richard?

Partners.
- Partners, OK.

We've got a lovely picture there.

Smile for us.

Very nice.

That's going straight on Twitter
when we've finished the show.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Find these men!

Right, let's have a look at your tweets.

Um... there's some really funny ones.

Really funny ones.

Some people didn't really understand.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, love "Zoe Ball Bag" from Fraser,
that's good.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, where is Fraser, actually?
Stand up Fraser.

"Fraser C04",

Where are you?
Hello Fraser.

Hundred and three followers.

Hundred and four now,
I'm following you.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I will follow you home.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Um... you sent in "Joe Likes Dick".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE CHEERS
- Thanks mate.

He's not wrong, he's not wrong.

Just like it, I'm not in love with it,
I like a dick.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I like a dick.

Thanks Fraser,
round of applause for Fraser.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

There's something rather...
"Mel and Sue", somebody's put

"Bell and Poo".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This one's really nice.

Where's Dave Moore?
Dave Moore.

Tweet time, Dave.

Where are you?
You up top there, as well?

You only sent one in, Dave.

You haven't given much information
on your profile, either,

You've got 92 followers.

Um... the last thing you did
was re-tweet Jonathan Ross.

This isn't a Jonathan Ross-based tweet.
What do you do, Dave?

A finance analyst?
Gosh it's boring people up there, isn't it?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Where d'you live, Dave?

MALE VOICE:
He's from Ashford in Kent.

In Kent, oh!
- SOME PEOPLE CHEER

Oh!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Mixed response from the room for Kent.

People down here not sure they like Kent.

Then some other people over there love it.

Hey, it takes all sorts doesn't it?

You sent in, Dave
"Tess Sucks Off Your Dad, Daily".

That's really nice.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Really lovely, round of applause for Dave.
Lovely stuff.

"Daily". "Sucks Off Your Dad, Daily"!

Mike Blaire, where are you?
"Pickle246".

Where is he?

Right at the back, quite right!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Let's have a look at your profile.

Twenty-two years old, Arsenal...
You're an Arsenal fan?

JOE IN A LADDISH VOICE:
Oh-hey!

Qo-hey!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

D'you watch the game, geezer?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Great squad innit, great squad.

Lovely um... lovely s-s-squad?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Was there a game today? I don't know.

No idea.

Um... you like tennis,
food and travelling, lovely.

Mike sent in,
"Benedict Cum-In-Her-Snatch".

So that's...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Great bit of lad banter, that!

Qoooh-aye!

Did you get a nice shot of him?

Lovely, thanks, Leon.

You're a bloody lifesaver.

You can't catch me.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He's good, isn't he?

D'you... you don't have to say anything
just nod if... or shake your head.

Do you run? Are you a runner?

Not really. So if I ran away?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you a fighter?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'll kill you, dead.

Oh, he's frightened now.

God, I've never felt more masculine!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I've got a weapon, as well.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I actually thought I was gonna do it then!

No, I like you, Leon,
you've got a good spirit...

and lovely soft palms...
Next, um...

LAUGHTER

Right, I've got two favourites,
let's find the two faves.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Where... Where's Nicola Bosdet.

Nicola?

Hello... where are you?

Oh, there you are, oh I love...
what colour...

You wearing a pink top?
Is that pink?

Orange, can't see colours.

Gone colour blind on this show.

Oh, caution,
this account is temporarily restricted.

That's literally just come up.

You're seeing this warning

because there's been some unusual activity
from this account.

Genuinely is!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Look at that!

Unusual?
Have you used twitter recently?

I forgot my login so he made a new one.

You've made a new login?

Well before... I'm still seeing
the tweet though.

You sent it "David Dick-In-Your-Son".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Is it the sort of thing
that you normally tweet?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Somebody else tweeted it for you?

Oh, I love that!

Oh, Nicola, like I literally can't go
to your account now.

Oh, I pressed "Yes, view profile" now.

Zero followers, OK.

One follower

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And that's literally your only tweet!

I love that.

Well, nice to meet you, Nicola.

Final one, where's Pippa Lohran,
am I saying that right?

Lochran, Lo-ran?

Where are you? Hello, Pippa.

Where you from Pippa?

Manchester.

Oh, I love Manchester,
I lived there for four years.

Um, do you still...
- WOMAN CHEERS

Yeah cool!
Um... do you know her?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Do you still live in Manchester?
- No, no.

Oh, no, no, I'm better than that now!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Where do you live now, Pippa?

Harrow
- In H--

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- In Harrow, lovely.

You've got 83 followers.

I'll give you a follow, why not.

Your background is of Adele.

You like Adele?
- Love her.

I love Adele, yeah,
I went to see her live, as well.

Oh, you sent in quite a few
but you sent in my absolute favourite one

which was, "Adrian Child-Molester".

It's really good!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What I love about it as well,
is that you seemed so sweet!

And you sent in "Adrian Child-Molester".

Round of applause for Pippa,
round of applause for everyone.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD
- Marvellous... shall we um...

Shall we take a selfie using that camera?

Is that possible?

Where shall we do it from?
Maybe back here?

You all want to be in a selfie?

AUDIENCE SHOUT:
Yeah!

Like... can I hold it, like I'm doing a...

Smile everyone!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Cool, I think we've got it.
Round of applause for Leon!

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

Thanks Leon.

Right, let's talk about art now.

I'd like to talk about art.

Yeah, a bit of culture.

My mother retired a few years ago

and she's now painting in her retirement.
This is one of my mother's paintings.

Isn't it glorious?
This is of our family friend, Patrick

Not only does it look like Patrick

I feel like it captures his essence,
a beautiful painting.

Based on these,
I've been inspired to do my own.

They've not come out as well,
I'm gonna be honest with you.

I did one of Amanda Holden

with a Britain's Got Talent buzzer
for a head.

Slightly different things that we do.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Mum will do this sort of thing -

two women on a bench,
having a conversation.

Beautiful, skilful watercolour there.

The skill and the time it takes
to do something like that.

I did a man having coffee
poured in his arse.

We're just doing different things!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

We're doing different things.

This came out of... I was on holiday
with a friend of mine

who'd just had a colonic irrigation.

I've never had one, so I was like,
"What's it like?"

He's like, "I've not had one either".

This girl, quite attractive,
took me into a room, put a tube up

and I thought the tube did everything
but actually she took it out

stood me over this thing
and then just said "Go".

And she said, "I can wait here,
or I can wait outside, whatever you want",

I was like, "Who's asking her to stay?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Nol

"Look me in the eye!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "I'd like us to share this!"

So based on that, I did this painting.

I haven't got a name for it yet.

I was thinking, maybe,
"Britain in Springtime"

but I'm open to suggestions.

Please send your tweets in.

This art thing has got to a bit of a head

just this week, actually.

Mum and I,
we submitted to the Royal Academy.

Every year, the Royal Academy
take paintings from amateurs

from professionals, whatever,

They also take sculptures.

Mum submitted two of her paintings,
beautiful paintings.

I submitted for a laugh.

I knew I wasn't gonna get in,
I submitted this sculpture

which I called "Chris".

I made it, pissed last summer.
I just submitted it, forgot about it.

A few weeks later I got an email
from the Royal Academy that read this -

"Dear Joe, it has come to our attention
that the price of your artwork

Chris, is £10.5 million.

I was originally gonna do ten
and then I thought "fuck it"

and put the other half on.

"Owing to the high selling price
we just wanted to check this was correct

and this is what we would like
to have printed in our list of works

should your work be selected
for the exhibition.

If you did wish for this
to be the published price

could you kindly advise on the insurance
value of the work".

Well, I went back to them and I said

"Gosh, did I really put £10.5 million?

It should be £12.5 million!"

And then just put "Brexit" for no reason.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I recently took it to Bonhams
to get it valued.

They asked me to leave, but I expect
the insurance value is £4.99

or the equivalent in Argos vouchers.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Didn't receive a reply,
didn't expect a reply to be honest.

I thought, right you know,
it's not gonna get in.

Suddenly we both get emails.

Mum's paintings, rejected,
"Chris", is in!

Igo...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I got to the Royal Academy
I went there on Monday.

There I am outside, very excited.

All the other sculptures are on plinths.

I'm like, "bloody hell, Chris is gonna
be on a plinth in the Royal Academy!"

The Royal Academy of Art,
in bloody London!

Walking round,
I can't find him anywhere.

They've only gone and put him
in the fucking corner, haven't they!

Jeez!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He is available to purchase

for £12.5 million.

I will not accept offers.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Mum's really annoyed at the minute,
the relationship's frayed.

This started...
I was living with them last year

and they got annoyed
with my bathroom habits.

I love a long bath.

And I love to eat in the bath.

And I had some Greek yoghurt in the bath

cos I'm in show business.

And unbeknownst to me,
some of the yoghurt ended up in the bath.

I then went into my room to get changed

Mum comes into the bathroom,
looks in the bath, she's like

"Have you had the biggest wank
anyone's ever had?"

"I came in, there's blueberries
in there as well!"

"Oh, yeah, I've shat out perfect
blueberries as well, Helen".

"Just squeezed those through my urethra!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The real friction is on Twitter.

Mum is also on Twitter,
she is @momalycett.

You can follow her,
she posts her paintings

she also searches

not only my name, but searches
what people are writing to me

what people are writing about me

s0 she will have seen all the tweets
that you sent tonight.

She loves reading them,
she'll go through all of them.

And she also, sometimes,
will show me tweets

when like, I've been on tele.

Every time you go on tele
there's a bit of nastiness.

It comes with the job.

There was one she showed me
which I loved

which was, I'd just been on
Blankety Blank

with David Walliams, which, to be fair,
was dog shit.

And I, um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I got a tweet which just said

"You're not funny".

And I appreciated
the succinctness of the tweet

but what I loved about it is

I looked at the woman's profile
who'd sent it

and she's a self-esteem coach!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Maybe she's the self-esteem coach
of a rival comedian.

Maybe Romesh was feeling down
on his luck.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Thought he'd bring me down.

But this is something
I'm getting used to but like...

Sometimes people now tweet
when they've seen me out and about.

Say they've seen me somewhere,
they might take a picture

and that's fine, comes with the job.

But sometimes I don't want Mum
to know where I've been.

And this...
The worst example for this...

I said to her one morning, I said
"I'm going to Manchester

to see my friend Josephine.

We're gonna have a light lunch

and then I'm gonna get
the train back to Birmingham".

Went to Manchester, got totally
shit-faced with Josephine

had a pasty on the train
on the way home.

Little pasty to soak up the alcohol.

Got home, mum was like
"Oh, being healthy are you?"

I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I had a couple of glasses of wine

but I had a salad at lunch".

She was like, "Explain this".

Somebody took a picture of me
on the bloody train, didn't they!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Really enjoyed that pasty,
as you can see.

Looks worryingly like that
when you put it together, as well.

I could have been Prime Minister!

Oh, I got her back though,
cos I did a tweet.

It wasn't actually about her
but she was offended by it, anyway.

The tweet was,
"to find out your dirty prostitute name

take your mother's surname

and put her first name in front of it".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

One thousand re-tweets!

Thank you, Twitter,

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So based on that,
and also just because, like...

I'm turning 30 this year

I've moved out. I've moved into an
up-and-coming area of Birmingham.

Whether it'll up or come or not,
I don't know.

Um... it's called Kings Heath.

The area that I'm in.
- SOME PEOPLE CHEER

Oh, can I have a lift?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I thought I was buying a nice place, really,
but it's a bit of a dump.

And like all of... there's like damp in there
and all sorts of problems

and my dad, who's just retired,
he's taken over

as project manager of the project.

The official reason for this
is that I'm too busy

to co-ordinate all of the works myself,

Couldn't possibly do it all myself.

The real reason is
I can't speak to tradesmen.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I tried to speak to the electrician
over Whatsapp, he doesn't like an emoji!

Oh!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Four aubergines,
he got very confused.

Dad's been amazing, he seems to know...
He was a teacher before he retired

he knows loads of stuff about houses.
He goes up to floorboards and he'll go...

"Ah" - won't tell me what that means

but he knows something!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- There was a door that needed fixing.

He just came round and made
and fitted a door.

How do you know to do that?
You're a teacher.

He's like, "I don't know,
I just sort of know from birth".

From birth?

Sorry, all the other kids
are in the nursery crying

and you're there
making a trestle table.

Come on, mate!

I think what happens... it has to.
When you become a father

you go to some sort of "Dad school"

where they teach you
how to do all of this shit

but not how to get emotion
into a text message.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The messages I send to father,
long rambling endeavours.

"Just landed, wonderful holiday.
Food was fantastic, weather was glorious.

Happy to be back, but sad to not be
in that wonderful weather.

How are you? Is all well?"

The reply will just be

"Yes, fine".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you a hostage?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I find it quite weird
talking about my father on stage.

I never did it. I've been doing
stand up for ten years.

And I didn't do it
when he was a teacher

because I didn't want to undermine
his authority

but also there's just no real
friction with my dad, really.

He's just a lovely man,
we just get on really well.

When I came out as bisexual

on my 21st birthday

obviously very nervous about that,
didn't really know what he was gonna say.

And he was so lovely.

I said to him,
I said "Dad, I think I might be bisexual"

and he went
"That's fine, as long as you're happy.

I don't mind, whatever".

And I was sort of annoyed,
I was sort of like

"Punch me, give me a story!"

I tried to escalate it.

JOE SHOUTS:
"I'm taking drugs!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "Don't tell your mother".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

“I'm listening to Snow Patrol",

"Get out of my house!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So he's been amazing,
he's been extraordinary.

I've also been getting help with the house
from a friend of mine called Peter.

You'll learn a lot about Peter in this show.

He's one of my oldest, dearest friends.

He's hard to explain in a short way,
in a sort of, succinct way.

I find a good way of giving you
a bit of an idea of what Peter's like

is to tell you that he once tried to spend
24 hours, in a 24-hour Tesco.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Like it was a challenge.

He got kicked out after 21 hours
for trying on too many clothes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've known him for like,
since we were about 12.

We didn't go to the same school,
but we had similar friendship groups.

We've grown up together,

We didn't fall out, but we fell apart

cos he went to Japan after university

and he's just been back for about a year
and now he's back, he's doing little jobs.

Different things,
trying to make ends meet.

One of the jobs he does,
because he speaks fluent Japanese

is to teach people in England--
Japanese people in England--

how to speak English.

And he's got a middle-aged student
called Aiko

who he set some homework for,

The homework was an email.

I pride myself on writing emails.

Aiko's written, I think, the greatest email
in the history of email.

The homework was to write
an informal email of complaint

with an aggressive tone.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is what she actually wrote.

"Dear Sarah

You probably know why I'm writing,
you bitch!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I want to start every email with that
from now on.

"You smashed glasses
and made terrible racket.

It was so evil, daft bastard!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Whatever, make up for it immediately.

Bobs your uncle, Aiko".

Isn't that extraordinary?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Full marks, of course.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Love it!

I mean, props to Aiko,
it's hard to learn a language.

I'm trying to learn German at the minute.

I went with German
because I just thought it was funny.

Hazelnut, Haselnuss,
it's a funny language.

And I'm using Duolingo.
Do people use Duolingo?

AUDIENCE CHEERS
- It's good isn't it?

It gives you like,
a composite sentence.

It sounds like I'm sponsored, I'm not,
it's just a good app.

They give you composite sentences
that get progressively harder.

One of my friends is on
really advanced German at the minute

and one of the sentences
he had to translate the other week is

"It is a war crime".

I'm not sure
when that's gonna be useful, really.

Wandering round Berlin

"This sauerkraut is disgusting".

"It is a war ctime how disgusting it is".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So yeah, Peter's helping me out.

Peter, he's a really funny guy.

He loves comedy and we go to the pub a lot

and we sort of tiff on comedic ideas.

He loves to create comedy characters.

He likes to create the ideas
of what people could be like

and he's created one that I love

which is the idea of a homeless man

who's into really specific things.

So, you know that most homeless people
will ask for enough for a cup of tea.

That kind of thing.

He likes the idea
of a homeless man that goes

IN A DEEP VOICE:
"Sorry mate, I can see you're busy.

You haven't got a manual
for a Fiat Punto have you?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Really specific stuff.

IN A DEEP VOICE:
Sorry mate, I shouldn't ask

I shouldn't ask, you haven't got
a Fabergé egg have you?

Just really weird stuff!

Brilliant, brilliant at it.

But he's also a prankster,

He's a troll, and I'm a troll,
but he did it to me, and I didn't like it!

It was one of the worst things
that happened to me

and actually, funnily enough,
it's happened to me here.

We were in the pub a week before
I was doing the Royal Variety.

It was only with Charles and Camilla
not the proper ones, who gives a shit?

And...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He said to me, he said
"How are you feeling about Royal Variety"

and I said, "I'm really nervous,
like I don't know what I'm gonna say".

There's like, loads of protocol,
obviously you can't swear

but there's loads of things you wouldn't
realise, little things that you can't say.

And I said, "I'm really nervous
I don't know what I'm gonna do".

And he knew what he was doing
cos he went...

"Well, wouldn't want to say Diana
was murdered, would you?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- No!

Why did you put that in my head
the week before Royal Variety? Fuck sake!

It was rolling around my head,
the whole bloody week.

And I was stood, side of stage,
it was literally just there.

Royal Variety, cos it was in this room.

And I was quaking with nerves

and I don't normally get that nervous
about stand up.

Got my little jacket on.
I was really shivering with nerves,

I could see Charles and Camilla
through a gap in the curtain.

They were up there somewhere.

Proper shaking

and I was going through my notes
on my phone

to remind myself of what I was going to do
what my material was gonna be

and I shouldn't have told him,
but I told him what time I was going on stage

and he texts me
seconds before I went on stage

and it was just a picture of Diana
on her wedding day.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And then underneath

"Don't let her down".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LAUGHING CONTINUES

Absolute bell-end.

So he's been helping out.

I say he's been helping out,
he's been giving me bad advice, actually.

There was an archway in the living room

and it had a fireplace in it years ago

and I didn't know what to do with it
and he went

"Oh, you like posh things,
why don't you get a log burner?"

So I got a log burner on his advice

since discovered, from a quite
sanctimonious friend of mine

shouldn't have got a log burner.

They came round, they were like

"Actually,
you shouldn't have got a log burner.

It's very bad for the environment
to burn logs.

I'll send you a book about it".

And to be fair,
the book burnt beautifully.

That was lovely.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Farrow & Ball paint.

He suggests, "Oh, you like posh things,
get posh paint, Farrow & Ball paint".

Farrow & Ball has a shop in Solihull.

In the Midlands, in Birmingham.

Solihull is still Birmingham.

It's a posh part of Birmingham,
so there's still vomit on the streets

but there's mangetout in it in Solihull.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The colour names in Farrow & Ball...

"Elephant's Breath".

Grey! That's an abstract name
they've given to grey.

I think you should be able to go
into Farrow & Ball with your own colour names

abstract names

and they just have to create the colour
they think you're on about.

You go and say, "Yes, I was thinking of
painting the living room..."

"Disappointed Wife".

Just see what they come up with.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Hmm, I was thinking, in the bedroom

"David Dick-In-Your-Son",
Just whatever they think that is!

Well, the guy in the Farrow & Ball shop
is so posh, he's like

HE BABBLES:
Bwa-bwa-bwa-ba...

You know, he's like that.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Right, I've realised

this... I'm not sure
if you'll get this reference.

I've realised that's quite close
to an impression that I do

of Jessie from Little Mix,
doing a Jamaican accent.

OK, some of you know this.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

If you don't,
treat yourself after the show.

Jesus, oh!

How to describe this, so...

Little Mix are a band, I'm sure you know
Little Mix, four of them.

Uh, they were doing like a promo
video, I think it was

and they had these cards
that had accents on

and Jessie, one of the members,
got "Jamaican"

and this is literally what she did,
she went

"Oh, um..."

HE BABBLES:
Bwar-de-den-de... That was it!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- HE SNIGGERS: So...

That was the guy in Farrow & Ball,
he was that posh.

HE BABBLES:
Bwar-de-den-de... That was how posh he was.

I went in, I said hello.
He went "Bwar-de-den-de..."

You're Jamaican.
"Bwar-de-den-de..."

"Bwar-de..."
What was she thinking?

HE SNIGGERS

So, I went in, I said hello,
"Bwar-de-den-de"

um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I said... and I said,
"I'm buying some paint"

"I'm doing the living room"
and he said

IN POSH VOICE:
Are you doing it yourself?

And I said "Yeah",
and he said

IN POSH VOICE:
Have you painted before?

And I said, "No".

And he went...
- HE GASPS THEATRICALLY

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

and I said "Oh, no I tell a lie.
I've done this one of Paul Chuckle, sorry".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

He... He said, well...

IN POSH VOICE:
"I don't much like that".

Well, Paul Chuckle was fucking
thrilled with it, actually, so...

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

This thing is so silly.

I did that painting as an exercise.

I just thought he had a funny face,
I thought I'd paint his face.

And I put it on Twitter,
didn't send it to him.

Somebody did,
cos he got in touch he said

"Joe, I love that painting
you've done of me.

My wife got me some paints for Christmas,
I want to learn how to paint.

If you send me the one you've done
of me, I'll do one of you".

This is a Paul Chuckle original!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It sort of looks like me

crossed with The Joker after a stroke

but I'm happy with it!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

First thing to go up in my house.

I love taking people round,
they're like

"Hmm, what is that?"

Made by Paul fucking Chuckle,
actually so...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I do love that painting.

There's a few things I love about the house.

I love a gadget so I've got an Alexa.
Have people got Alexas?

A FEW PEOPLE CHEER
- I quite like...

If you don't know what it is,
it's like a little disk

and you call it Alexa,
and she does things for you.

I literally got it because I wanted
to teach her sinister things.

That's literally the only reason.

I just wanted, when friends have come round
for dinner and they were leaving

They'll say, "Lovely to see you, Joe.
Thank you so much for having us".

I just wanted to go, "Alexa..."

"Lock the doors".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I've got these plugs, as well,
that connect to the lights

and it means that I can turn
the lights on using Alexa.

And I've given all the lights in my house
middle-aged receptionist names.

So...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

When I go up to the bedroom I go
"Alexa..."

"Turn Susan on".

Feels nice.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A lot of comics, a lot of writers will have
next to their bed, a pad and pen

where they'll jot down ideas -

things that come to them
at 4am in the morning

that they think are genius.

I used to have the pad and pen
but I never used it

cos I couldn't be bothered really,
when woke up.

Now I've got Alexa, I do it all the time.

I ask her to remind me of stuff
all the time.

Here are my four favourite things
that I've asked Alexa to remind me -

One: glory hole in a glass door.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Not sure if I was going to pitch that
to Dragons Den.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, a solution to the drugs problem
which actually, I think is quite good.

In my utopia all drugs are legal

but they're all £1

and you have to really want them
because the only way to access them

is in those grabber machines
that they have at fairs.

Waking someone to tell them
something unimportant.

I just love the idea of running in
to Mum, and going...

Mum. Mum-mum-mum-mum-mum!

I'm really enjoying the latest series
of Game of Thrones.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And finally, who called them turtle necks

and not ugly, shit clothes?
Who did that?

I don't know who did that.

Showed Alexa to Peter
when he came round, when I first got her.

I said, "That's good isn't it?
She answers questions, plays music..."

He's like, "It's a piece of shit".

Disappeared into the house.

Next morning, I was talking to my father
at 11am on the dot

cos I remember it very vividly

cos Alexa pops up and goes...

"This is your daily reminder
to suck a dog's cock".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

11am is early for that, I feel.

3:45 at the earliest, I find
for sucking a dog's cock.

I've also... Another thing I love
about the house, I've got an off licence.

I love the off licence.

It's an off licence sort of grocery.

Baz, who runs it, my new best friend.

He came round to the house
when we were doing the works.

I was outside, and he said,
"Oh, can I have a look?"

I said, "Oh, yeah." I showed him the attic
and said, "This will be my bedroom".

And he said, "What d'you do?"

and I said, "Oh, I'm a comedian".
And he went "Oh".

And that was the extent of the conversation.

Next day, I went into the shop,
it was really busy.

He ran up to me, he went

"You didn't say you were a TV comedian".

I said, "Oh, yeah. I've been on tele a bit".

"It's not that big a deal,
let's not make a fuss".

And he went,
"Gonna have fun up in that attic".

And I said...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"W-What d'you mean by that?"

And he went,
"With all the comedy girls".

And I went,
"Oh, chance would be a fine thing".

You know, tried to be laddy.

And he lent into me and he went

IN A LOW VOICE:
"You're a dirty dog".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Anyway, Baz and I have been fucking
in the attic for a while now.

It's been marvellous.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The reason I mention the off licence

is something happened there
on the day I got the house.

And I still can't get my head around it.

I went in to get a celebratory bottle,
I thought that would be nice

to celebrate buying a house,
exciting achievement.

In front of me was a lad
buying a four-pack of lager beers.

IN A BRUM ACCENT:
"A few tinnies with the boys

watch the game today".

And um...

I was here. There was a girl--
it wasn't Baz on the till that day--

it was a girl, she was probably about 18,
couldn't be much older

and she said to the guy, she said

"Can I see some ID?" and he went

"Fucking hell, for fuck sake,
this is fucking ridiculous".

And then, had ID!

And showed it to her,
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And she looked at it, and she went,
"Yep, that's fine" and he paid for it

and went out with his beers.

And I went up with my bottle
of Pinot Blush, I was like..

"He was really full on,
wasn't he, like really

aggressive and horrible",
And she went

"He's in here every day
and it's always the same".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Time moves in one direction.

Cos I've been in my childhood bedroom
most of my life

I've got now stuff, got no furniture.

The amount of aunties and uncles
trying to lump shit coffee tables...

Mugs, everyone's got a bloody mug
to give you!

I got a mug from my auntie
which has got a motivational quote on it

and I hate a motivational quote.

The quote is

"You've got the same amount of hours
in the day as Beyoncé".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But not the resources, Janet!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I showed it to Peter, I said,
"That's bollocks, isn't it?" and he went

"Yes, so did Rose West,
see how that turned out!"

I was like...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That wasn't my issue with the mug
but you go for it, darling.

I've become a bit obsessed with tat

because I'm on my local "sell and swap"
Facebook group.

If you're not on yours,
there will be one in your local area.

Have a look at it after the show.

What it is, if you're not familiar
with the sell and swap concept

it's people with nothing to do
with their lives

trying to sell and swap utter shit

that they've found in their houses!

There was a woman on there the other day.

She wanted to swap these sausages.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She bought some
Cauldron vegetarian sausages.

She realised they weren't vegan,
she wanted to swap them for a bag of fruit

e.g. plums.

I know what fruit is!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I don't need an example.
What is this fruit?

Some of the shit you get on here.
Wooden snail, right.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Four comments!

Who's looking at that, going
"I need more information"?

"What is that? I don't know what that is".

Unusual, unglazed vase.

You say unusual.

I think someone's wrapped
some ham round itself.

That's what it looks like to me!

This one's...

It's a horrible that, isn't it horrible?

This one's particularly bat shit,
this is um...

I'll zoom in on this one.

"About 120 adult DVDs.

Can easily sell for a pound each
so good profit

open your boot at work
and let the lads dive in".

Look at them just on the side,
next to the kettle, horrible.

Of course I'm trolling this group.

Of course I am, with my character
Christopher Butterslip.

There he is.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That's a drawing I did of Mickey Flanagan
that didn't go very well.

Done a lot of good work with Christopher.

I'm very proud of the work
I've done with Christopher.

First thing I did. There was a gitl...

She was selling
a Jean-Paul Sartre book for £4.

She'd used it in her dissertation

and she needed it no longer.
She put it on the sell and swap.

I got in touch as Christopher, I said,
"Just out of curiosity

could you take a picture of the first page?"

And because she had nothing
to do with her day

within minutes a picture emerged
on the group.

So then I put, "And now the second page".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I got to five pages

before she realised I was trying to
read the book through the pictures!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, this one was good fun.
"Little Sammy's grown out of his ocean pals".

"I've also got about four copies
of the Gruffalo".

"Looking to swap for something
a bit more...

grown up." she said.

No, some of you are further along here!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I suggested knives and saws.
That's what I suggested.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A nice selection of knives and saws.

She put
"Ha! Not quite what I had in mind".

So I thought about it for a little while.

Oh, I've got some adult DVDs,
let the lads dive in.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

My favourite thing I've done
on the sell and swap-- it's pathetic this--

I set myself up for a joke.

I listed my own thing.
I listed a bag of butter mints for £1.

Christopher Butterslip,
bag of butter mints, £1.

Logged out, logged in as me, Joe Lycett.

Commented, "What condition are these in?"

Logged back out,
in a Christopher Butterslip

"Mint condition".
Very happy with that.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND LAUGHS

I'm a bell-end, aren't I.

Now, guys, I want to tell you
about a little project

I've been working on for the last year.

There's no nice way of saying this,
there's no easy way of saying this

I'm just gonna have to rip the plaster off.

For the last year

just under a year...

I have been trying to destroy the career
of Tom Daley.

There's no easy way of saying it.
I've said it.

It's gone, it's out there now,
I've said it.

I should caveat this by saying,
I think Tom Daley's amazing in lots of ways.

He's an Olympic diver,
I'm sure you're aware of Tom Daley.

He's gay. I think he was pushed into
coming out as gay

before he was necessarily ready.

There was a lot of fuss about it
from the gay press

and he's been a brilliant gay rights advocate
in lots of ways.

You might have seen that him and his husband,
Lance Black

announced a few months ago
that they're having a baby together.

Shouldn't be a brave thing to do
in this day and age, but it was.

He got a lot of nastiness

and he's been serene
throughout the whole thing

so I do think he's brilliant.

However, I now want to
slag him off. So...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Tom Daley irked me last summer

for two reasons: two Instagram posts.

And I'll show them to you now.
This is the first one.

This is him at Gay Pride.

Love the way that he's extending his arm
out there to show the parade march there.

Love the look, the smile on his face,
beautiful framing there.

Before I go into too much detail about this

what's going on with the hand?

Where is the other finger?

I've looked at it loads.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I don't know if it's a lighting thing,
whether it's edited out.

I don't know how that happens.

I've got no issue with any of that really,
apart from the weird finger.

I've got no issue with this other post,
beautifully framed again.

His skin looks radiant
in that little triangle, marvellous.

Brave to wear a tank top,
but he seems to manage it.

I think it's wonderful.

I've got no issue with any of this,
I think it's all brilliant.

I've no issue with any of this, as well:
"Happy Pride Everyone!"

"It's been so awesome
to take part in my first ever pride"--

he'd not been before--

"But let's not forget why we have this day
and how much more we have to fight for

in many other social justice
movements around the world".

No issue with any of that,
brilliant that he went to Pride.

I think we all should
at some point in our lives

it's good fun, if nothing else.

My issue with both of these posts

is not what's in them,
it's what's underneath them.

And that is this.

@barclaysuk #Ad

That means that Tom Daley was sponsored
by Barclays to go to Pride.

And I don't have a problem with Tom Daley
being sponsored to do lots of things.

I understand, when you're an athlete
you've gotta make your money while you can.

You're not monetisable forever,
you might break your leg.

I totally get, being sponsored

but to be sponsored to go to Pride

which is a political event,
it made me uncomfortable.

It's sort of like going,
"Black lives matter, with Tesco".

It made me uncomfortable.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I didn't want to make
a big deal of this.

I thought, it's and error in judgement,
in some way.

Didn't want to make a big fuss about it.

All thought I'd do
is a bit of light trolling of Tom Daley.

That's all I thought I'd do.

So what I did is, I went on this very post

and I commented on it

with hashtags of rival banks.
That's all I did.

#NatWest
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

#Santander

#HSBC

AUDIENCE CHEERS

And for some reason

dozens of other people
started doing it, as well !

#Northern Rock, a nice nostalgic one!

Vietcombank, an international one.

Dozens of people did this, and I know
that celebrities get paid loads for this.

Barclays will have had a PR team all over it.

I should mention that I've trolled Tom Daley
in a lot lighter way

about three years ago.

He posted to his Twitter,
a little post basically saying

"Just take the image below,
personalise it".

He just wanted you to customise
an image in your own way.

That's all he wanted you to do.

Of course I put him in a smack den.

Who wouldn't in my position?

Open bloody goal Tom!

So that was it, really,
as far as I was concerned.

I've done my post,
other people have commented

Point made. It was...
I felt an error in judgement, that was it.

Next day, I get a phone call.

It's from a friend of mine
who's a photographer.

He's photographed
the Olympic diving team

on a few occasions,
and he's also photographed me.

And he said, "Joe, you need to go on
Ross Haslam's Instagram".

Now, I didn't know who Ross Haslam was
at the time

He is another British diver
who went to Budapest

the day after Pride, with Tom Daley
for a competition.

And he posted a video.

The video you don't necessarily need to see,
I will show it to you.

It's a panoramic of Budapest.
It's done... weirdly.

It's a portrait thing,
but he's done it on landscape

which I don't understand. Also...

the sound in the background's
not great.

So I will play it to you twice.

But you can hear, in the background,
Tom Daley's voice

and I just want you to listen out for it.
Have a listen to this clearly now.

VOICE OF TOM DALEY:
Uh, of the whole...

uh, the Lycett situation.

Now, he might be saying
"the lighting situation”

but I think Tom Daley says
"the Lycett situation”.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Have another listen,
just to double check.

VOICE OF TOM DALEY:
Uh, of the whole... uh, the Lycett situation.

Does that sound like "Lycett" to you?

I'm a situation.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Not sure who he's talking to in that clip.

Presumably, the assassin
he's got to take me out!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I like the Lycett situation.

I'm gonna write a book:
"The Lycett Situation." There's the cover.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I thought, "This has got out of hand,
I'm a ‘situation', all of a sudden".

I didn't want to be a situation, I just...

It was a bit of light trolling,
and suddenly I'm a situation.

But the more I thought about it,
the more I thought

"Actually, in this regard,
I do want to be a ‘situation'

cos I care about this shit".

And I'll explain why.

Pride is an LGBTQ+ event.

There's a lot of letters there, and often

Pride and its sponsors
only focus on the 'G' -

often gay men with six-packs.

But there's a lot of other letters there
that deserve our attention.

For example "T" for "Trans".

I've got a lot of trans friends at the minute

that feel really attacked,
feel really unsafe.

They feel really attacked
by the right-wing press.

They feel more attacked
by my mum's friend, Linda.

She... oh.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She's the sort of person who says

"A woman's place is in the home"

and then spends 90% of her time
in All Bar One.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She's a basic bitch.

And she... um...

She said to me once, she said
"Trans people are unnatural"

whilst eating a punnet of seedless grapes
the irony of which did not pass me by!

She had a go at me for painting my nails.

I paint my nails now,
I do it for two reasons:

one, I like the colour.

Also, I bite my fingernails
because they're delicious.

And when I paint them,
it stops you from biting them.

It's the only thing
that seems to have worked.

And she said, "You shouldn't do that,
you shouldn't paint your nails".

And I said, "Why's that, Linda?"
and she said

"Well, it's an essential part
of being a woman isn't it, wearing make-up?"

So, I'm sorry, do you think your husband
Kevin's gonna see this, get confused

and try and fuck me? Is that the issue?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Extraordinary, a little change like that,
the amount of comments you got.

Of course, I expected some

but not as many as I got.

I also wear this coat
in the winter months, ooh!

I' mean I...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I want to fuck myself right now.

That is, um...
- SOMEONE WOLF WHISTLES

Thank you, yes it's, um...

Ooh err,

It's a faux fur. It's a faux fur.

I'm aware it's a ridiculous thing to put on.

But I didn't expect the amount of comments.

I expected some.

My favourite was in Liverpool.

I'd just done a gig
at the Slaughter House comedy club

which is a brilliant comedy club
in Liverpool.

I was walking back to the hotel.

A group of lads walked past me
and one of them went

IN SCOUSE ACCENT:
Hey mate, Pat Butcher called.

She wants her coat back.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I'm a comedian,
I deal with hecklers all the time.

So I went back with a really
witty response, I went

"Sh-sh-shut up, you stupid prick".

I was so pleased with it,
$0 smug, so in the moment.

Well done, Joe.

I think, what Linda, and what a lot of people
get confused about with

with trans people, is the difference
between sex and gender.

Sex is your XX, XY chromosome

that's what you're born with,
not lots you can do about it.

Gender is what is put on top
by society and culture.

All of the things we take for granted,
things like

women wear skirts and men ride horses
and punch dogs.

All of the things we take for granted.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I understand that women
get the thick end of this wedge.

The narrow criteria in which women
are expected to dress and behave

is very restrictive.

This was made clear to me in a Whatsapp
group of lads that I'm in

in which this was posted recently.

IN MACHO VOICE:
This is "Build a Babe."

You have to construct a woman
out of these four categories.

INA MACHO VOICE:
The face, the boobs, the butt, the legs.

No, "the personality" or...

IN A MANIC VOICE:
"How much she reminds you of mother".

None of that!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This was debated more than most wars!

They went with the girl second in,
I think.

The two girls on the far right
for the boobs and bum

and then the girl, second in on the legs.

I did a bit of photoshopping -
yeah, she's pretty fit.

I mean, not my type.
I'd change one thing and I'd be happy.

But each to their own.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It's quite daunting that size.

So, it's LGBTQ+ if you're interested.

That's "Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Queer"

and then the "plus" is for
all of the other letters

and there can be as many letters
as there are people in the world.

Some of the more popular ones
are "a-sexual",

"Gender fluid".

That's where you don't see your gender
as a fixed thing

it can be different things
at different times.

I was explaining that to Peter
on one occasion and he was like

"Yeah, I know what gender fluid is but

the name ‘gender fluid'

you can imagine what it smells like".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Fair enough.
"Gosh I had a heavy night".

"Was covered in gender fluid
in the morning, I was!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Uh, there's "I" for "intersex".
That doesn't mean

INA MACHO VOICE:
"Uh, yeah, I'm into sex".

I don't know what that is, that's like...

that's my intersex leg. Um...

There's "P" for "pansexual”,
which is how I now define myself.

It doesn't mean that I fuck things
in the kitchen

as Linda amusingly observed.

IN A MANIC VOICE:
"Non-stick surface?"

"Not when I'm around, Linda!"

"Pan" means different things
to different people.

To me, it's a form of bi-sexuality.

I acknowledge that gender plays
a role in why I'm attracted to people

but not necessarily the essential role.

There's all sorts of common threads
in our sexualities

that we wouldn't otherwise acknowledge.

You might only be attracted to blonde people.

But you wouldn't say you were "blond sexual"
but that would be a common thread.

I think the common thread in my sexuality is

everyone I'm attracted to

is not attracted to me.
That seems to be the common thread.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Sometimes it not really about how they look
or their gender or anything.

It's sort of more to do with
how they hold themselves

or how they, sort of,
take control of a situation.

I explained this to Linda
in a very ham-fisted way.

I was in Moseley post office,
in Birmingham, if you know Birmingham.

There's two tills.
There's one here, there's one here.

On this till was a very young, very loud,
very attractive, young, effervescent girl.

She was wearing a Cath Kidston coat,
she was going off like a human Berocca.

She was annoying! She sort of...

The sort of girl who as "live, laugh, love"
written in her living room

but has also been done for GBH.
Do you know what? She's...

an annoying person here.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And then here was
a really elderly, octogenarian

crunched-over old woman

quite poor-looking, sort of Mary Berry
if she didn't have money.

Just sort of crunched over like that
and she was going...

“I'm... I'm sorry I can't hear you".

She kept saying that,
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you".

And in the end she went

"I can't hear you...

HE SHOUTS:
...because you're shrieking!"

And I said to Linda, I said
"I don't know what it was

but in that moment,
the way she took control of that situation

the way she extinguished
all of this woman's joy

the way everyone was looking at her

I thought she was so attractive,
$0 beautiful.

Obviously, I wouldn't do anything
about it.

And Linda was like,
"Oh, what, are you ageist?"

I was like, "No I wouldn't do anything
about it cos she's poor!

But the point is...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

There's all sorts of new identities
flying around at the minute.

New ways to describe yourself,
and I think that's wonderful.

But you've got two options
when you encounter someone

with an identity
that you're not familiar with.

You can be fearful of them,
frightened, take the piss out of them

or be fascinated, ask them loads
of questions, be curious.

Kinda like when [ first saw a platypus.
I think they're amazing.

They're mammals they lay eggs,
what the fuck are they?

The first platypus that scientists found...

They found a dead one.
They did some scientific tests.

Their conclusion: it's a fake.

They thought that someone
had sewn together a duck and an otter.

Begs the question:
who did they think was doing this?

"Oh, that's Martin.
He loves doing that, Martin".

"Other day he brought this in,
said it was a porpoise -

obviously a dolphin and a bell end".

"Classic Martin, that".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So by Pride only sponsoring
one of the letters

and ignoring the other letters

I felt like they'd done
a disservice to the community

so I wrote them a letter.

"Dear Barclays

You probably know why I'm writing,
you bitch".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS

"You sponsored Tom Daley to go to Pride,
daft bastard".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Actually it's great
that you're sponsoring Pride.

Pride is an LGBTQ+ event.

It's about celebrating all of those letters

and all the different types
of identity that they represent.

It's about people who are into kinky stuff.

It's about some stuff

that a lot of the people
who work in your bank

would find really weird.

It's not just about
a particularly attractive gay diver

who you can use to improve
the perception of your brand.

So I'm writing to ask if you'll sponsor me.

Not to go to Pride, but to one
of the less air-brushed events.

I want you to sponsor me
and my friend Paul Chuckle

to go to the Folsom Fetish Festival
in Berlin,

It's a festival for people
who are into leather

and being tied up and wearing costumes.

I went a couple of years ago
and nearly got wanked off by a unicorn".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"I've mocked up a sample Instagram post.

Naturally, the real thing
will look much worse.

Bob's your uncle, Joe Lycett".

Now...
- AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Bless you.

That... That pasty photo came in handy
as you can see. Very useful there.

Not had a reply from Barclays.

Um, I did send them another thing.
I sent them a painting I did of Tom Daley.

I'm not thrilled with it

because I don't think
it looks like Tom Daley.

But I fucking nailed that hand, didn't I?

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Just out of curiosity,
you don't have to cheer if you don't want to.

Um, but give me a cheer if you consider
yourself part of the LGBTQ+ community.

AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY
- Oh, cool.

Welcome.
- WOMAN: Yeah!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- The rest of you should leave.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Bless you, thanks for coming.

Lets talk about another bank
that I'm in trouble with.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm actually in proper trouble
with this bank.

This is the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I'm in... Right, so Peter worked

not for RBS, he worked in an RBS building
in Pigeon Park in Birmingham, if you know it.

He was working in an office space
in this building.

And um... I went into that office with him
last summer.

And, as a result of that,
he had to write a letter of apology

to the manager of the building
a few days later.

And I'll just read to you that letter,

He wrote: "Dear Sir

I am writing to explain the incident
in your office

and offer my sincere apologies
for any involvement on my part.

I invited a guest to the building

to show them a project
we had been working on

and benefit from his expertise".

What had actually happened was

we were on the piss
and he had a bottle of wine under his desk.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"At security he was asked to enter his name
for a guest pass.

I did not see what he typed

because I was dealing with some emails
on my phone."

Uh, they get you to type in your name
on a fancy touch screen

as you go into the RBS building.

I didn't want to do that, I was feeling silly

so what I did is I just typed in
the first two words that came to mind.

Which happened to be "rhubarb bikini".

I don't know why.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"There was a short discussion
between my guest and the security guard".

This is where the security guard
quite rightly said

"What's that?" and I said

"It's pronounced 'Ryan'..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And he said, "It's spelt 'rhubarb'..."

and I said, "Yes, it's Irish".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Then a pass was printed and we were allowed
into the building". Here is that pass.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Subsequently an image of the pass
appeared on social media".

I put that on Instagram with the caption

"Someone broke into RBS with
the pseudonym, Rhubarb Bikini".

"The minute I discovered this,
I asked for the image to be removed

but I appreciate by that point

damage had been done
to the reputation of the business".

It got about 10,000 likes.

"I offer a full and sincere apology
for this, regards, Peter".

He was taken in for a disciplinary
a few days after we did this.

They slid this pass over to him and said

"Do you know this man?"

I just love the idea of him going

IN ASILLY VOICE:
"That's Rhubarb Bikini!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A few weeks later, I received this letter
to my home address

in the name of Colonel Rhubarb Bikini.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Full disclosure, that's because
I have opened an account with RBS

in the name of Rhubarb Bikini.

Here's me opening the account.

Colonel, I went with Colonel
because I thought that was funny.

Are you known by any other name?

N0000000000.

Born in North Korea, living with parents.
He's lived a life!

He's lived a life, old Rhubarb.

They ask you to fill out a form
when you've opened an RBS account

to say, "Is the anything else
that would have made

your application experience better, today?"

I've thought about that long and hard,
and I put "Yeah..."

"A hand job would have done it, actually".

A little hand job
would have taken the edge off, really.

He rang me, he said
"Joe, we're in a lot of trouble".

I was like, "What do you mean?"

He said
"I've just had this disciplinary".

"I've been banned from the office
for two months",

And I said, "I'm so..." I was really shocked,
"I'm so sorry, what an overreaction".

"Like, it's just a silly joke".

And he said, "Oh, I don't really mind".

"I don't like working there
s0 I'm happy to have the time off".

And he said, "You're in proper trouble".

I was like, "What do you mean?"

And he said "Well, because you said ‘someone'
broke into RBS on the Instagram post

they can't pin it on you,
the picture's quite blurry.

So they're going back through all the CCTV
footage to see what we did in there.

We were in there for eight minutes,
apparently, we were giggling in the lift.

Um, I can believe it.

He said they're going back through
all your social media

to see if you are a threat
to the business.

If you've done something like this before,
whether you're likely to do it again.

I was like, "What do you mean,
they're going through all my social media?"

He's like, "Your Instagram,
your Twitter, everything

they're going through everything".

And I thought, "Oh my God,
they're going through everything, so..."

They will have seen that picture of me
pretending to be a vomiting cat.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

They would have seen that picture of an egg
that I put Iggy Azalea's face on

and called it "Eggy Azalea".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

God, they will have seen that tweet
which I did

which was
"I like my sex like I like my Brexit -

hard and overseen by Theresa May".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

God, they will have seen all the times
I dressed up as Theresa May

using things that were just near by.

I've done loads of these,
she's a style icon, this woman.

She's a style icon.

Right...

Take this one, and this is the original.

An extraordinary photo in its own right.

This is my version.

Right, the neck is a chorizo.

The woman's face is a sculpture that I made.

The earing is a courgette.

Strong work from Joe Lycett
all round. I said...

"Oh my God, they will have seen
that sign that I posted" which reads

"This seating area is for customers
of Costa Coffee only."

Which I sent direct to Costa Coffee
with the caption

"Just sat here and drank a cafe nero
and there's shit all you can do about it".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I said, "Oh, my God,
they will have seen that time

when I was on the Lorraine Kelly show

and gave Lorraine a quiche Lorraine".

She was very confused.

I said, "Oh my God, they will have seen
those tweets which I did" which started with...

"I love The Saturdays".

"Hard to choose my favourite,
but I'd probably say 17th May, 2003".

Which I followed up with

"I love One Direction".

"Hard to choose a favourite
but I'd probably say 'left'..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I said, "Oh, my God, they will have seen
that picture of Jeremy Corbyn

that I put on a bin in my car

and called it "Jeremy Car-bin'..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

They will have seen that tweet
which I did, which was

"I like my women how I like my coffee".

"Nowhere near my penis".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And I suppose, if they're looking
into the future they're about to see

a painting I'm gonna do of the man
that runs your building.

Cos I've done some googling,
and I know what he looks like.

And it's just him in the office saying "No".

“I'm Rhubarb Bikini",
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You have been an extraordinary audience.

AUDIENCE SHOUT AND CHEER

OK.

Right, I'm...

So, I obviously wasn't done with RBS,
of course I wasn't.

I felt like what they'd done
was an attack on fun...

and on silliness

I felt like, um...

There are people that work in that building
that want to be daft and silly

at points in their lives
and they have to extinguish that desire

in the name of security and corporate rules
and I felt that was sad.

So I got the email address of the man
that runs the building

from Peter, and I set up
a Rhubarb Bikini email account

and I sent him an email.

It read, "To the Manager".

"I am Rhubarb Bikini..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"And I gather you are looking for me.

You have been led to believe
that I am the comedian, Joe Lycett

but this is not accurate.

For I am at once,
all things and no things..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
-" am a whisper in a dream.

I am a homeless man in search
of a manual for a Fiat Punto..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"I am Tom Daley's missing finger..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "I am a lightbulb in my kitchen.

I am a glory hole in a glass door..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

“l am a seller of adult DVDs..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"I am a master painter".

“l am an online troll".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"And I am Children's TV entertainer,
Paul Chuckle".

Right.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Good old Paul.

I asked for one of these,
he sent dozens!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"I am all the colours in the rainbow.

I am near and I am far,

I'm everyone you'll ever know,
I am each pound in the jar.

You can never stop me

for I will always be.

Your staff will never show you,
$0 you will never see.

But in each of them is nonsense,
I know this to be true.

So all your staff are Rhubarb

and Rhubarb Bikini is you".

I also put "P.S. I'm also Alexa".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

VOICE OF ALEXA:
I'm Rhubarb Bikini

and you should suck a dog's cock.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Thank you so much for coming to my show.

Have a great rest of your weekend and lives,
thank you so much.

AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

Bless you guys.

It's so lovely.

Lovely. Thank you, this has been...
Yeah, as I say, lovely.

Any questions, any queries, any concerns?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Anything I can help anyone else with?

No, OK, right, I'll fuck off then.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- You've been so lovely.

Um, you know what? I'd like to slag off
the Black Country before I go.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Anyone in from the Black Country?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

Which part? Where are you from?
- WOMAN: Wolverhampton.

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
Wolverhampton, alright.

How are you, bab?

That's how they talk, if you don't know
the Black Country, they talk like...

They talk like that,
"I got no neck and no future".

I love it.

Have you travelled from Wolverhampton?

WOMAN:
No, I live in London now.

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
I live in London now.

I love it. I really find it pleasing
to hear the accent.

Have you been to the Ikea in Wednesbury?

WOMAN:
I have, but I've never purchased anything.

Right, why?

Because it's too stressful
when you get to the checkouts.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Itis stressful when you get
to the checkout, I agree.

Well, it's stressful in that one because
its full of people from the Black Country

and they're all mad-heads.

You see, I was in the kitchen area
when I went round

and there was a family walking round
and the dad of the family

said this very loudly,
because I wasn't that nearby

and I heard it very clearly.
He went

"Look at that chopping board
I couldn't chop my cock on that!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Is that a requirement of a chopping board
that I've missed?

Bless you, well thanks for coming along.

I did... This is the thing, I slag off
the Black Country loads

but it's because I love it
and I've got loads of friends there.

I spend a lot of time there.

I went on a speed awareness course
in the Black Country.

Have people been
on speed awareness courses?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS
- Yes, some other bad boys.

Um, I thought it was really effective.

But my favourite thing about it
is this woman at the back

who just did not give a shit.

She's like my new spitit animal,
she was just there, like

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Alright?"

And the guy came out
and he was proper patronising, like

"Guys, guys, just shout out reasons,
why do we speed?

Why do we speed?" And she went

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Cos I'm in a rush",

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And he went, "Good, good,
you're in a rush, great, great".

"Why do we rush, why do we rush,
why do we rush?"

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Cos I need a piss".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He realised very quickly,
he did not want to be talking to her.

He was trying to get anyone else
to chip in.

At one point he forced
this quite meek guy at the front

to chip in. It was really sweet. He said

"You've got two options, haven't you?
You've got two options".

"You can go by the speed limit
or you can go to jail".

"Do you want to go to jail?"

He hadn't been listening,
he just went "Yes".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Any reasons why it's justifiable to speed?
Why we might be OK to speed?". She went

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Well, if it's an emergency".

"If you've got to take someone to hospital".

He went, "No, that's not a reason is it?
It's not a reason".

"You've still got to be safe, haven't you?
Still got to be safe",

"If you hit someone on the way to hospital

that's two people going to hospital
isn't it?", she went

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"That's lucky I'm going that way".

"I'll give 'em a lift",
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That's lovely, that is.

Favourite thing she said,
I'll leave you on this.

It was terrible, but it was brilliant.

He said at the end of the session,
he was like

"Any other reasons why we speed,
that we've not covered? Any other reasons?"

No one chipping in. I wasn't chipping in.

In the end, she just went

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Well, cos it's fun!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And he went, "Yeah".

"Yeah, it's fun isn't it, it's fun to speed".

"Do you know when it's not fun?"

"When you kill a child",

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Everyone went quiet,
and then she just went

IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Depends on the child".

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Love. Her.

You've been amazing, wow.

Thanks so much.
See you again, ta-ra.

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

MUSIC: "Twins"
by Benjamin PD Kane.

# Let's go #

# Two children in one womb #

# Gotta come out soon
cos they're runnin' out of room #

# Two children in one womb #

# Gotta come out soon
cos they're runnin' out of room #

# One's a boy, the other, too #

# It's been nine months, this much is true #

# It's about time for them to come outside #

# As mum and dad,
their faces fill with pride #

# Two children in one womb #

# Gotta come out soon
cos they're runnin' out of room #

# Two children in one womb #

# They gotta come out soon
cos they're runnin' out of room #

# Yes, they gotta come out soon
cos they're runnin' out of room. #

INDISTINCT CHATTER
- CAR DRIVES AWAY

JOE:
Bye, hun,