All language subtitles for Dylan Moran - 2015 - Off The Hook

♪♪ [1950s pop ballad intro]

MAN: ♪ My love must be a kind of blind love ♪

♪ I can't see anyone but you

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Sha-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

♪ Sha-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

will you please welcome to the stage Mr. Dylan Moran.

[applause, cheers]

MAN: ♪ Are the stars

♪ Out tonight? ♪

Hey!

Hello! Thank you.

Hello.
Thank you very much
for coming out.

Thank you for leaving
your computer screens

and all the arguments
you were refining at home.

I'm very glad you came.

Um, now, you people,

all of you here
are the survivors,
as far as I'm concerned.

You're the people
who are tough enough
to live in London.

I didn't quite make it.
I tried it some time ago.

But-- You know.
You need a lot of grit,
a lot of gumption.

You've seen the people
who wimp out.

They move to Kent
or whatever

and they still think
they're sort of in the mix.

And they're not.
You know that.

They're finished.
They're not even human beings.

You're glad to see them go.

That's it.
You didn't have
what it takes.

You couldn't handle
the irony before lunch.

Jazzercise for dinner.

Didn't have that thing in you
that makes you hungry,

that gives you what you need
to live in a paper cup

at the bottom
of somebody else's garden
in Balham.

You got to have that thing.

£1200 a month,
it's a fucking bargain.

'Cause it's tough.
You know it's tough here.

Look at the faces outside. Look.

The streets are thronged
with people

who look like they
haven't been able
to take a shit in years.

It is tough out there.

You know it.

Everybody's here.
Everybody.

Everybody came
from everywhere.

That's why all those
right-wing parties
all over Europe--

we have one here
in Britain, UKIP--

telling peop--
to stay away, people.

Going, "Stay away."

You're never going
to succeed long-term anyway.

Because-- you know what?
Everybody goes everywhere.

You may have noticed.

And we need them.
We need everybody.

You need all the people
who come here.

You need all the people
from the East.

Clever, ingenious people
from Eastern Europe
who came over.

A lot of suspicion at first.
These are ingenious people.

Look at what they did
after the Second World War,
after 1989.

These people
didn't have a whole lot
in a lot of these countries.

Their inheritance was,
you know, half of cabbage,

a rusty spoon
and a cow with a cough.

So they had to think
and make it work,
and they did.

And now they're here,
and people were suspicious
for superficial reasons.

You know, just because
their names look
like Wi-Fi codes.

It's a name.
What does it matter?

Does it matter?

These people
can pickle anything.
Of course you need them.

Nowadays when you
see a Russian
in a Hollywood movie,

they're always the villain
because of one man.

Because of Putin.

Everybody else
is a villain all of a sudden.

If you see a Russian
in a Hollywood movie,
he has a scar.

It starts here.
It goes over his face,

over all the furniture
in his apartment,
out onto the street.

He doesn't have a left hand.
He just has a blender
or something.

And all he says is--
[Russian accent]
"Since I come to your country,

it's very easy for me
to make bomb

from old cereal packets
and dead cat.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

You need all the voices.

You need American voices.

You need the American voices
from the further west

to counteract
our European attitude.

'Cause those people
are so positive.

They're the people
who walk around going,
"Giving it 100%, 5,000%,

I'm so glad to be here.

Are you good?
Hey, how are you?
Are you good?"

To us that sounds
like a threat.

What is this,
giving it 100% stuff?

We're European.
We give it 11%, okay?
That's it.

If somebody you know
is on fire in front of you,

maybe you'll knock it up to 13,
but that's it.

But we need them. Even here
within these islands,

people have suddenly
got all suspicious.

I live up in Scotland, okay?

You know, the other place?

It's become
this weird division now,

where people
are regarding each other

with a lot of suspicion
and wariness.

You need all the voices
of these parts.
You need Scottish voices.

These people are very good
to talk with and argue with.

They're very good
at catching you out.

They'll get you
on a technicality,
even at 2:00 AM in a pub.

If you listen to them,
they are very, very refined
in their thinking.

They'll say,
"Actually, you're
talking radioactive piss."

The Welsh people--
of course you need
the Welsh people.

The Welsh people have
sort of been sidelined

because of what's going on
between England and Scotland.

Wales is the traumatized child
in the car

being driven around
by the bickering couple,

looking out the window
going "Oh, please." Um--

You need all the voices.

You need Welsh voices.
They have the best voice
in the world

for breaking bad news gently.

"Well, it just sort
of exploded, you see.

It just--
It was fine one moment.

We were there
and now we don't go near it.
It's just, uh--"

You need English voices.
Of course you need
English voices.

They're very reliable voices
for explaining
why nothing works.

It's never worked.
It's always been like that.

"It's fine. We like it.
Don't touch it." And--

You need--

You need, you need voices
from the Republic of Ireland,
of course,

'cause they're the best
excusers in the world.

[cheering]

The most carefully
crafted excuses
that ever existed.

People say, "Oh, well, now,
we would have had it,

but my brother
gets wet very easily."

You need voices
from Ulster, because--[cheering]

I wasn't actually doing this
thinking everybody
would be here.

But you are.
That's okay. They--

You need that really
amazing voice from there

because that just sounds like
a brain talking to itself.

You don't know
what's going to come out next.

It's like
a Van Morrison song.

"I was there alone
with me grapefruit,
you know.

So I put it
on a piece of wood.
I like it in a box.

I go synchronized swimming
by myself.

You know,
it saves on the cost.

I haven't slept
in 17 years."

The point is
you need all these people,

because people
are always blaming
other people for the crisis.

And you're constantly
told there's a crisis.

You're in a major
crisis all the time

'cause of the rolling
news culture we live in.

Financial crisis.
The collapse happened
in all the fun countries.

Places where you go
to have a good time.

Portugal, Ireland,
Greece, Spain. You know.

Places where people
run around in front of you
and go, "It's nice. I make.

You sit, eat, drink.
It's nice."

West of Ireland,
very dependent on tourism,
and, um--

The--

You need everybody.

The, uh-- The thing is
the crises come and go,

and you blame this person
or that group of people.

But the ultimate crisis--
it never changes.

It's always the same,
you know.

And that's that we're
all gonna die.

We're all gonna die.
All of us.

Yeah. I'm sorry.
That's a spoiler. But we are.
We're all gonna die.

And people hate it
when you say it out loud.

Most of the time
they hate it.

Especially if
you're having sex.

If you're afflicted
with that condition

that makes you go
"We're all gonna die"
every time you come,

it's very hard
to get the mood back.

But we are.
And we're all--

You know, there's no point
blaming everybody else,

'cause we're all
ultimately alone as well.

Here we are,
hot fleas in the gulping dark.

We are alone.

'Cause people don't really
have religion anymore, you know.

You don't really have religion
in this country anyway.

You know, the Christian religion
doesn't really exist
in a big way here.

You never really had it,
to be honest.

We had it in Ireland.
That was religion.

What you had was
a dressing-up box

with some cardigans
with holes in the elbows.

Everybody would meet up
and have some ginger nuts and
sing a few tunes and go home.

We had religion-- the thing
that makes you feel bad
from the moment you're awake.

It's God squatting
on the end of your bed

with his fists pressed
between your eyes,
going, "Wake up, shitbag."

That's religion.

Now, that was
a very confusing time
for a lot of people.

I grew up in the '70s
in Ireland.

It was intense,
the religiosity
of the whole country, you know.

And it was confusing
if you were young.

I remember saying
to my granny,

"Granny, how many priests
do you have to blow
to get into heaven?"

And, of course,
she was an older person.

She didn't want to talk
about these things.

She would go,
"Oh, stop it now.
Eat your tea."

But I was persistent.
"Come on, Granny. How many?"

And she'd go,
"Oh! I hate putting
a number on these things.

About 40.
Now, come on. Eat."

But that's not really around
so much anymore. Religion.

People are very pleased
that religion doesn't exist.

Secular people are delighted.
They're thrilled
with themselves.

Their material view
of everything,

congratulating themselves
in the queue
outside the Apple shop

which lights up the street
the way churches used to.

Filing in there,
feeling the shame shuffling in
because they have the old phone.

They go in there to be told
how they're going
to be liberated

by the high priest
who are all dressed in black

with their piercings
and ponytails

who explain
how the new pocket altar

will release them
from their earthly burdens.

Now it's fox,
pinker and homptown.

You can upwind
monkey fuck on trickle back.

Oh, great. I didn't know
what I was doing there
for a while.

You've completely set me free.
Thank you so much.

That's the new religion.
My son comes in.

He's completely excited.
You know, he's 12
and everything.

That whole generation's
excited about all
this technology.

But he's ambiguous about it
as well. He knows it's not
real fun a lot of the time.

But he goes, "You've got
to see this game with this app.
It's really interesting."

I grab it off of him.
I say, "Get out of here.

Go and play.
Go and fall out of a tree.
Have a fight.

Don't phone me
until you've been arrested."

Obviously on a landline
from some station. Um--

"Come on, this is just
gonna waste your time."

Three hours later,
"It's me."

Stood there, going,
"Ha ha ha-ha-ha!"

On Candy Flaps,
whatever the thing is.

I looked it up recently.
It was 1:00 in the morning.

I thought,
"What am I doing with my life?"

Species are being wiped out.
Glaciers are melting.

Somewhere, somebody's
eating a Swiss roll,
and I'm doing this.

What the fuck am I doing?

You know, life is so brief.

There are four ages
of human being:

child, failure, old and dead.

That's it.
That's all you have.

You have to--
You have to be here
and enjoy it.

So I said, "What am I doing?"

And then I realized
I had to get to level 19
or it would all be meaningless.

Now, of course
people want distraction.

Of course we do.
Because reality
is pretty tough stuff.

The news. You know,
all that stuff-- the so-called
Islamic State people.

I tried to look for, you know,
some bright points
with these people.

That's a bit of a struggle.
At the beginning
I was watching them.

"Oh, come on, you scamps.
Stop it now."

But they don't
even take weekends.

Somebody needs
to tell these people

they are seriously interrupting
brunch for a lot of people.

You look at them
and you think--

Oh, my God, this is so bleak.
This has got to be peak bleak.

I can't-- I don't know
who I am anymore.
I can't stand this.

You look at it.
I don't even know which
snack to eat with which war.

Look, say what you like about
fundamentalist death cults.

They go very well
with the heavier cheddars.

But you do think,
I don't know if I can take
much more of this shit.

I don't really watch
the news anymore.

I just have two old men
sitting at the end of my room
staring at each other.

One the hour, every hour,
one of them shouts
at the other one, "Terrorist!"

And the other one shouts,
"Pedophile!"

And then a woman
walks in between them
and says, "Rain expected."

I've got it
pretty much covered, I think.

No wonder then
that people look
for other things to watch.

You know? Television--
all kinds of shit, television.

Television, which was
invented in Scotland,
of course.

My Scottish wife--
we live in Scotland--
reminds me all the time

about all the amazing things
Scotland has invented.

It goes on and on. List
of things that you depend on
every single day of your life,

you aren't even aware of.

Monkeys, steam, paella,
lightning, kung fu,
pubic hair.

The list is endless. And--

Golf. That's another one.

Golf. You get that
at the end of your working life.

You've worked for 45, 50 years.
That's your reward.

You got to hit
the tiny ball in the tiny hole
four miles away behind a tree

using a shoehorn.

Well done, you.

To show everyone
how into it you are,

you have to wear
these sexually repellent clothes

so they know just how hard
you're avoiding your wife.

Well done.

But they also
invented television

which people
are very addicted to
in terms of distraction.

You know, I started
watching a lot of television

in the last couple--
in the last year or so
'cause I gave up smoking, okay?

[applause]Thank you very much.

But the thing of it is--
That's the thing-- That's--

That revealed to me
how exposed I was.

'Cause it's a prop.
You depend on something.

You're putting something
in your mouth all the time.
It's a screen against the world.

And I suddenly felt
incredibly alone and depressed.

But it's okay. We can talk
about depression now.
That's okay.

Because of all
the lovely celebrities
who've come on

and talked about their
therapies and treatments.

They've normalized it.
It's fine now.
You can talk about it.

Although I did notice
when they were talking
about it,

I felt the same way I feel
when I listen to my own friends
talk about their depression

which is,
"You don't know what
you're fucking talking about.

My self-loathing
is much worse than yours.

What's that you say?

Face down in a pool
of Coco Pops all day Wednesday?

I wish I had
the strength for that."

Um--

But it's good to be able
to talk about it.

And then, of course
you get depressed.
Of course you get depressed.

Look, life is hard sometimes.
You know?

That's why we don't wanna
spend time alone.

Some of you came here alone
and will return home alone.
And that's okay.

But most people
are trying to avoid that

'cause they're afraid
of their own thoughts.

Have you ever had a bath?

That goes on a bit too long,
doesn't it?

By the end of that, you think,
"Get me out of here.
That's enough. Get me out!

I'm alone and I'm wet.
I have to dry myself.
I hate this bit."

So tedious.

Why do I have to manage
all this pork?
And then--

I don't even remember
what I was talking about now.

I suppose it
doesn't really matter.
We're just talking. Um--

Oh, distraction. That's it.
And then-- I don't know
where the reminder came from.

But the, um--

That's something
that people do.

Drink, drugs, food,
shit television.

Amazingly shit television.

The things people
watch in this country.

Everybody goes on about
how Britain makes the best
television in the world.

It does.
But David Attenborough is
not responsible for everything.

So there's some
extraordinary crap out there.

The thing-- The baking thing.

People are baking
and they're talking about it.

Baking, bake, bake up.

That thing.
Cake is a beautiful thing.

Why fuck it up
by talking about it?

The whole point of cake
is to shut people up.

Cake, it's
a semi-religious moment.

You don't ruin it
by standing there and going,
"I use cream and sugar and--"

Shut up and eat it!

What's the other one?

You must dance--
dance with the old man.

Get in and dance
with the corpse. That one.

Who-- What genius
came up with this?

And people are watching this.

What's wrong with them?

Look at the austerity,
the cutbacks, the schools,

the funding for hospitals
and all that stuff.

If you wanna cut stuff back,
shut that shit down.

If you absolutely have
to watch something
that stupid--

- [applause]
- Wait.

If you have to see something--

If you need to zone out
of your own life so badly,
save the money.

Just draw some smiley faces
on cocktail sausages,

cram them into
Christmas decorations
and rattle them on a tray.

People will watch anything.

I travel around in these hotels,
turning on the telly
looking for local news,

and Jeremy Kyle comes on.

Who's watching
this horrible man?

Somebody--
He's like a drunk seagull...

battering pregnant voles
with his beak.

"You did, didn't you?
You fucking did. You did."

He should be strapped
to the front of a fast car
and driven into a big hole.

But--

[applause]The-- The--
Wait. No, stop. Hang on.

Sorry. Wait.

The whole clapping thing
is great for you.

I know you're there, okay?
I know.

If you--
You're annoying me now.

If you're enjoying this,
just give each other a hug.

Okay? I don't--

'Cause I talk quickly.
If you clap,
I'll forget stuff.

Okay? And the laughing also,
we could take that down a bit.

People will watch anything!

Twilight.

Pale teenagers
sucking the lifeblood
out of everybody around them.

Where is the escapism in this?

Anything!
Game of Thrones.

Which has been running
for 35 years by my calculation.
I can't look at that.

I can't watch
the little hunchback man put
on the amulets and the thongs

and the swords and the helmets
and the pelmets and the cloak

and the daggers
and the necklace
of dead crows' arseholes

just to crawl up the hill
and go, "The boats are coming!"

Oh, please.
Do something with your life.

People engage
with this stuff

'cause it's easier
than talking to the people
they live with.

You know?
It's not so intense.

House of Cards
or whatever,

Francis Underwood isn't
gonna turn around to you

and go, "Why did you eat
all the ham in the fridge,
you fat fuck?"

You know, you watch
these things for years.

So that's what I was doing
when I wasn't smoking.

I was watching tel--
I did some of these
drawings as well.

'Cause you have
to do something
with your hands, you know.

And you can't masturbate
all day long.
I mean, that's--

You know, it's easier
if you're a woman
or something.

You just hook yourself up
to a clock radio
or something

and wait till it goes "ding"
and you're done.

If you're a guy,
it's complicated.

You have to get
tarpaulin and ropes
and secure the perimeter.

I don't wanna get involved
in all that shit, so--

The-- But mainly
what I was doing I was watching
a lot of television.

A lot of television.
And I realize

you sort of absorb voices
from around the world anyway.

That's why the people
who are trying to keep people
out of countries,

they're really not going
to succeed long-term.

Because not only
is everybody everywhere.

You're globalized.
They're in your head.
All these voices.

Little cartoon representations
of all the cultures
in the world.

I realized this,
'cause I did one
of these drawings one day,

and I thought--
I was quite pleased
with one of them.

And I found out I have
an African-American man
inside me.

I didn't know this, but I do,
'cause I did one
of the drawings.

And before I knew this
or thought it,

I heard myself say,
"They're pretty."

Now, I didn't know
that was gonna happen.

But the point is,
all the people are in there.
You have a crew in there.

When I was eating
in the house,

I was eating all the time,
all the time.

And I knew this.
It was sort of building up.

I began eating on a soft of--
pretty much
a semi-professional basis.

I would wake up.

It was like
I was being sponsored
by rival teams of scientists

trying to see was it possible
to eat with your left and
right hands all day and night.

And it is.
It's a question of focus.
You have to commit.

I was walking around
putting things in my mouth.

'Cause it's comforting.
I mean, babies know this.

They come out.
They look around.

They see it's a stressful world.
They go-- [baby talk].

And they go to the breast
and they stay there.

They don't take calls
or meetings or anything.

They just go,
"I don't wanna hear about it.
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num.

This is all. I don't like.
Num-num-num-num.

I understand this.
The rest of it
I'm not so sure."

We should have a giant tit
on the wall of every office
in the country.

If you get stressed out,

you can just zip
your desk over there,
your whole chair and desk,

and go, "I hate Peter.
Num-num-num-num-num-num.

The fucking printer is out
of ink again, for fuck's sake.
Num-num-num."

It calms you down.

Putting things in your mouth
calms you down.

And most of the great times
in your life were about
putting things in your mouth.

A lot of the time.
You know, it goes
all your life.

Not just food, but drinks
and alcoholic drinks

and cigarettes and body parts
of people you admire.

Sometimes all
at the same time.

Some mashed potato
and vodka martini.

"Hey, you busy?"
You know.

It's calming. And of course
I started getting fat.

And that's what happens.

I started creeping up on myself
from behind and around.

Getting cuddly
in all the wrong places.

Nobody wants cuddly eyes.
Nobody.

I was deluding myself
as well.

'Cause I was telling myself
it's culture.

That's just part
of culture, you know.

You can pretend it's cultural
by having lots
of cheese and wine

and asking
where everything is from.

Great big pile
of stinking cheese there.

"And where is the cheese from?"

Who cares where it's from?
It's here now.

People are fleeing
the building.

Windows are melting.

Eat the shit
before it kills us all,
will you?

"No, I have to know
where it's from.

Oh, the Catalan Cave cows.
Oh, I love them.

They're so musical.
Thank you so much."
[chomping]

Eating all the time.
Walking around eating.

I had a drone of self-disgust
watching me at all times

as I was annihilating
any possible moments of thought
by eating all the time.

"Look at him. Look at him.
He's buttering something

as he's still chewing
the other thing."

How disgusting can I get?

I'm preparing
for the next oral event,
even though I'm still in one.

Oh, God, I'm disgusting.

Look at me. I make sex noises
from the strain
of buttering the toast.

[grunting]

I am vile.
"Quick! Your wife is coming!
Hide! Take the hummus."

And, um--

So disgusting to yourself.
It's terrible.

This is how religion
must have started.

In early cave times
somebody had a tiramisu
all to themselves.

They finished it
and they hung around going,
"Oh, God, I'm so disgusting."

And somebody
came around the corner
and said, "God thinks so too."

"Oh, really? Can I meet him?"
"No, I'll tell you what he
thinks. Just give me money."

That's how it began.

So-- All the time,
all the time, all the time.

Ah, uh, you know--
'Cause the mouth is just--

It's good
to put things in there.

The ear--
you can kill half an hour
putting things in your ear,

tops really.

If you use every
available orifice
and you were the friend,

maybe two hours, tops.

But once one of you has
the dodecahedron up there

and the other one
has the triangle, it's time
to hit town and get lunch, so--

But I was deluded.
I was deluded
by my own snobbery.

'Cause I kept telling myself,
"Well, I'm getting there.
I'm getting a bit fat."

I am. That's the way it is.

But I'm still--
I'm interesting fat.
I'm European fat.

This is interesting,
existential, detective,
delicatessen fat.

Somebody wandering around,
moodily chewing on a piece
of prosciutto

as they wander down to the docks
to see if the doughnut boats
are in.

It's not like I'm American fat.

I'm not one of those guys,
one of those huge people

that wouldn't even know
if they had a monkey
hanging from their cock.

Too busy blodging around
going, "Is there any more?

Any more cheese? I just
wanna it eat until I can feel
my heart beating in my face."

Um--

But, you know,
it just comes.

It just comes
to you anyway.

You suddenly
get seriously uncool.

That's how age functions.

Everything is sort of the same.
Everything is the same
for ages, you know.

It's like you're there
and you're talking
to your friend

and you're going,
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway,
we did this and we did that."

And Madonna is there
reassuringly in the background
going--

♪ Like a virgin

[moaning]

And then you turn around

and suddenly it's Nicki Minaj
going, "Ha ha ha ha!"

It's a totally
different kind of poetry,
and you just--

The world has changed
around you.

And you are older. Older.

Because
the middle-age bus arrives.

Nobody knows it.
Nobody wants to get on.
It just comes for you.

It screeches to a halt
right beside you.
It's time to get on.

Everybody gets on resisting
going, "Not me. I'm too young.

I don't wanna get interested
in architecture.

Please, not yet.

Oh, look. An inscription.
Ah, it's happening.
Help me, somebody."

And then you're taken away
to become a different person.

And it's alienating
and frightening

because you start
liking things you don't like.

Quiet music. Mmm.

"Put that-- Put that
Bublé bullshit on again.
I really like that."

You've never liked it before.
Now you're going--
♪♪ [humming]

Serial-killer music.
That's what's happening
in a serial killer's head

when they're sawing
somebody else's off.

♪♪ [humming]

Ripping the spine out,
playing Jenga
with the vertebrae.

♪♪ [humming]

Vaginating the bladder
and making a hat.
Let's not get into details.

Things appeal to you
that used to disgust you.

Why else do people
vote conservative?

That must be what happens.

It must be
what happens to people.

'Cause they suddenly get--
They start getting attracted
to the semi-repellent thing.

It's like the really
strong cheese and conservatism
are basically the same thing.

Um--

A cruise--
the idea of a cruise.

That would have made you
just vomit all over yourself.

Then suddenly
you're going, "Oh, yeah.
Travel without moving. I'm in."

I can just be there
like a starfish.

Every hour and a half
somebody will come and pour
gravy all over me.

"Yeah! Where do I sign?"

So, yeah, you become
this older person,
and it is quite odd.

And you can feel
young people
judging you to a degree.

'Cause I'm at the other end
of the telescope now.

I remember--
A lot of young people are here.

I remember being in my 20s,
looking at people my age

going, "What is wrong
with those people?

Why are they so weird?
Why are they so shapeless
and sexless?

Why do they talk about
renewing their car insurance
for 45 minutes?

What the--
What the fuck are they up to?

They must be--
They must be smarter than that.
What are they doing?

Why are they
so deliberately bland?"

Well, now I'm here.
I can tell you what's going on.
This is what's going on.

Death becomes real.

And you think
maybe he won't notice me

if I don't experience
anything intensely.

You just-- All the gestures
you used to have,

all the big denunciations
and accusations
and declarations,

all the "you and me and that"
suddenly just becomes, "Mm-hmm,
yeah, I know, kind of, yeah."

And--

He can't kill you if you're
not properly alive, can he?
Um--

So--

That's why.

I went to, um--

When I was eating
all the time professionally,
I would, uh--

My wife was
really good about it.

She didn't refer--
never called it
my stomach or anything.

She would just sometimes
mention "the situation."

And, um--

Sometimes she would say,
"Why don't you take
the situation for a walk?"

So I would go
to the supermarket,

'cause you can eat there
and nobody stops you.

'Cause if anybody comes up
to you, you can just go,
"Fuck off. I'm gonna buy it."

And actually when I was there,
I found another voice
inside me.

This spirit guide.
This elderly lady.

And she looked after me.

I think she was Asian.
But the main thing is
she was wise.

'Cause when I was reaching out
for the thing I really wanted--

the honey nut cluster
fudge fuck bomb

or the lemon coconut
apocalypse ripple

yum face dish,
whatever it was.

When I was reaching out,
she would leap
into my frontal cortex

and scream at me--
[Asian accent]
"It's not for you!

It's not for you!
Walk away! You go salad bar
or some shit like that!

Leave for other people, fatty!"

She was there for me.

More proof, if we needed any,
that you need a team inside you.

But you can't go
to the supermarket all the time.
Not all the time.

So one day
I went to the art gallery.

And there was
this old man there by himself.

And he was sort
of quite striking.

He was carefully dressed
and looking at the work
and walking around.

Obviously, just having
his own experience.

I'm sort of moved by him
'cause I thought he looked
quite elderly and alone.

And I thought,
"Oh, wow. That's great."

He's out and he's
registering his own responses.

That's how, you know,
you should be living
when you're older.

And then he turned around
and he saw me,

and he sort of had
this wrinkle of disgust
on his face and moved away.

Because I was wearing
these crappy cutoff
jean things,

the sort of things
you paint a house in
or bury a dog in.

And I had on these odd socks--
a blue sock and a brown sock--

'cause I wasn't paying attention
when I was dressing.

And I cut the tops of the socks
so my circulation still works.

And I had some
rubbish T-shirt on
with stains and things.

I didn't look, you know,
as incredibly stylish
as I do now.

And he, um--
he just sort of thought that
maybe I was wandering around,

and he went away.

And then this
beautiful couple came in--

people in their
late 20s roughly.

And they were, you know,
tall, elegant people.

Lots of cheekbones
and four elbows each

and long and sinuous
and elegant
and wafting around,

looking at the stuff.

And then I saw them
elbow each other

and sort of point
over in my direction.

And they were sniggering,
and then they disappeared.

And I thought, you know,
"Well, they're young.

It doesn't matter.
I'm a mature person. That kind
of thing doesn't bother me."

But I'm not a mature person,
and it did bother me.

And I really wanted
to find the young man again

so I can tell him,
"Listen, this, all this,

do you think
anyone chooses this?

This just comes.

This is for free.

This is the future.
It belongs to you.

Right now you're walking
around this art gallery
with this beautiful young woman

and you're talking
about these paintings
and how they make you feel,

and she's listening.

You have peaked
as a human being, believe me.

It doesn't get
any better than that.

You-- You don't know anything.
Nobody chooses this."

I didn't ask for one tit
to be bigger than the other.
I really didn't.

I never dreamed that one day
I'd be sitting on my own couch
with my one huge ab...

covered in crumbs,
listening to the sound
of my own mouth breathing,

idly watching Dragons' Den,

the invention program thing
where somebody comes around
and they pitch ideas,

waiting for the genius
who will finally walk in
with the discreet spatula,

the thing you thread
through the arm of your jacket

that goes all down
through your clothes

and dislodges your bollocks
from the side of your thigh

when you're standing
in the supermarket queue
so you don't have to do this.

'Hey, Mrs. Johnson,
how's it going?'

But he hasn't appeared.

That particular genius
hasn't showed up yet.

Men are still not free.

One day somebody
will figure out

how to quietly peel
the octopus from the wall
of the aquarium tank.

But not yet!

I didn't ask
for any of this, Sonny Jim.

Okay?

You sit around
on Sunday mornings
propped up on your elbow,

looking at your
beautiful girlfriend

brushing crumbs of toast
from her beautiful breasts,

with her coppery hair
falling all around
her shoulders,

and she's looking at you,
thinking, you know,

when are you gonna get a job
as you talk about your fucking
start-ups and your pop-ups...

and the organic runway

and how you're the eyes
inside the bleeding edge
of the cloud

and you're gonna deep dive
your own dot bomb
and all that shit.

And she's thinking
when is this guy
ever gonna earn any money,

or am I gonna pay
the rent by myself
till we're both dead.

Is that the deal?

And a few years later,
you'll have a child

and she'll
walk up to you one day
after an argument

and say, "Hold the kid.
I'm going for a walk."

And you won't be sure
if she's ever gonna come back.

And then a little while
after that, you'll start
waking up in the morning

and putting your hand
in the sock drawer

and pulling out and putting on
whatever's in there,

as long as it's not
a bra or the torso
of an action figure.

You don't need a bra anyway
'cause your T-shirt
has ridden up overnight

and sits nice and snugly there
where you need it.

You'll just be glad
to be alive.

You don't know
anything right now.

All you know is romance.
That's the easy stuff.

Standing around
your loft apartment,
you're both dressed in white,

throwing each other
annoying looks all day long.

The cats are walking
over the piano

and giving each other
more annoying looks--

"Oh, I know you,
you know me, I know you.

We have made love
10 minutes ago.

We'll probably do it again
in another 10 minutes.

I know you
and your crazy genitals."

The cats are drinking espressos
and reading
the Sunday supplements.

Let me tell you something.
When you really know somebody--

When you both really know
each other, you don't look
at each other at all.

You don't need to.
You can feel each other
walking into the postcode.

It's like that old song,
"Why do birds suddenly
burst into flames?"

I'm talking about love,
not romance.

The thing that makes you
grip your own skull
and scream for death.

And then look up
and say, "Coming!"

That special something
that gives you the energy

to go and pick
scatter cushions
with another human being.

Even though you have
no clear conception of what
a scatter cushion might be

or why anybody would buy
a cushion and throw it away.

You agree to do this
even though the person
you are doing it with

has an inhuman degree
of refinement
in the act of choosing.

And they look at you
with an intense face

and say, "What about this one?
Do you think it's green enough
to be green, green?"

Is that even a question?
Can that be answered?
I don't know.

"What about this?
Do you think the waffles
underneath it are creepy?

Feel them."
I'm feeling them.
I'm feeling them.

"Are they creepy waffles?"

I don't know,
to be perfectly honest
with you.

But they're creepy
'cause they're underneath.

"Well, couldn't
you turn it over?"
Don't be insane!

"What about this one?
Do you think it's weird?"
Well, it's a bit weird.

"Why are you saying that?
I knew you'd say that."

Well, it's made out
of willow twigs and snow and
krill. It's a little weird.

It has a hair and skull
in the middle also.

"I knew you'd say that.
You never let me get
anything I want."

But you know,
you figure it out.

It takes time,
but you figure it out.

Basically, in any relationship,
you work this out.
It took me years.

One of you is Bert,
one of you is Ernie.

That's what it comes down to.

One of you is really good
at chopping up vegetables
very small

and explaining
factional loyalties
in the Middle East,

and the other one is
really good at saying,
"Help! I'm locked outside!

I can't feel my arms!"

Let's have a little break.
I'll see you in a minute.
Thanks. Bye.

[applause, cheers]

[chattering]

[whistling, cheering]

Thank you, thank you.
Okay, now, um, so...

I don't remember what we--
how we ended it the last--
I don't.

But, anyway, the, um--

This is my--

I realized I'm very lucky
to have this job.

Um, you know, I-I, uh--

I know lots of people
that do similar stuff.

They make things.
They work in theater.
You know?

People who come into a place
like this and they go,

"Oh, I love this space.
I love it.

Is there any way we could
make it bigger and smaller
at the same time?

Somebody get me a cappuccino,
please. No coffee or milk.
I love this."

You know, tossers.
They're my friends.

And, um--
[clears throat]
People are scared.

The young people out there
are worried about getting jobs
and everything,

and, you know,
resentful of all sorts,

not just of thinking
my generation is weird
'cause we're middle-aged,

but also resenting us
'cause, you know,

you hear nowadays
there's no money, no jobs,

the plant has about
eight weeks left--

Well, you know,
we're sorry and everything.

We had a long weekend.
It got out of hand.

We needed eye toilets.
That's what happened.

You're always whining,
you lot though.

I mean,
look on the bright side,
you've got Mars.

That's exciting.

You can pick out the bath mats
for that and everything
and enjoy the solar wind.

We'll all be dead,
but you'll have a great time.

I mean, my children are
in the school system.

They panic about jobs
and what's going to happen
out there.

They freak out
'cause of the exam stress
and all that stuff.

They keep changing the exams
and everything
and they come in and say,

"Hey, look at this maths.
What the--

'X' minus 'Y' equals 'C,'
and 'C' in an integer and also
maybe a negative value, hmm?

What's that?"

They're panicking.
I said, "Don't panic."

They say,
"Of course we're panicking,
'cause we've heard the news.

It's too-- It's hard out there.
What do we do?"

I say, "Listen, don't panic.
When we get panicky,

we get snappy
like you're being right now,
and also we get shaky.

We look for the little door
under the stairs,

and we go in there
and we rock back and forth,
don't we?

Milk builds up at the front
of the house, cats take over,

we die, they come,
they kitten into our skulls,

and then our corpses are found
by future generations.

It's distressing.
So let's not panic."

"X" minus "Y," "C" integers,
what's it all about?

Look, here's a pound.

You know, almost instinctively,
how many sweets you can buy
with a pound, right?

Here's the thing--
Here's five pounds.

Imagine how many teeth
you can make explode with this.

I didn't understand
all that math stuff
the first time around.

I'm not looking at it again.
Take the money.
I'll see you later.

Because you have to be
straight with your kids.
It's confusing out there.

My son comes to me, he says,
"Hey, Dad, can I get
an ice cream?"

I say, "Have you
cleaned your room?"
He says, "No."

I say, "Well, no.
Work and reward.

That's how it goes.
N-No chore, n-no ice cream."

He goes, "Yeah, but, Dad,
I'm just talking about,
you know,

a thinking person's ice cream.

No flake, no sprinkles,
just, you know,

I got to work
a couple of things out.

Come on, Dad.
I'm from the old country
like you. Come on."

Um--

I say, "Forget it.
I've got a headache.

We've spoken about it
so many times."

He goes, "Dad, Dad, Dad,
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

A ball of ice cream,
suspended mid-air,
no cone or anything.

I'll run around
really quick underneath it.

Come on, Dad.
Be a mensch.

Don't put it
through the books."

Um--

I said, "I've got a headache."
He says, "Would you like
an ice cream?"

"I would like
an ice cream actually."
"I can make that happen."

"Okay, there's the money.
I'll clean your room."

You have to have a system.

You have to have a system.

Now I wasn't ready.

I've got a fantastic
daughter as well.

Seventeen years old,
but she still takes the time.

That's the nice thing.
She still takes the time
to sit down beside me and go,

"Ew! You've got hair
in your ears."

"You couldn't get any more
disgusting, but you did.

Eh!

Here, I'm going to take
a selfie of your ear.

Look at those.
Look at the pig's bum
on your head."

And they--
[clears throat]

The thing is, you know,
I wasn't ready for children.

Of course I wasn't,
I'm a man.

Men are not ready for anything.

Men spend their
whole lives going,

"Huh? Now? Really?
Ah, okay. I'll do--"

[imitating cries]

That's how they die.

"Eh, no. Aaah!"

Not ready for any of it.

Women are ready.
Women imagine it
emotionally, imaginatively.

They have a time machine.
They can travel and imagine
possible futures,

'cause they're interested
in life, you know.

They're quite interested
in living.

Men are afraid of life
'cause it involves loss,

so-- and change,
and they can't stand that.

Women go, "Yeah.
Maybe this, maybe that."

They imagine a possible
future with children.
They go, "Yeah, let's do that."

They know the man's
not going to be ready.

He goes, "Yeah, one day,
not today."

'Cause men are really good
at wanting things.
They go around wanting things.

"Where's all the stuff I want?
Is it here? No? Fuck!"

And children are really good
at needing things,
and that trumps wanting.

Because, I mean,
children have weird needs.

I didn't know
the things they need.

They needpets.
It's not a whim.
It's not some fanciful desire.

It's a need.
For years the children
would come to me going--

[imitating child's voice]:
"Daddy, please. Daddy, please."

[normal voice]:
"No," I said. "Begone!"

In my throne of skulls
in the kitchen.

"Leave this place!"

[imitating child's voice]:
"Daddy, please.

A little furry with eyes
and it goes--" [whimpers]

"Please!"

[normal voice]:
"Leave now.
Take your sister with you."

In the end, you know,
I realized it's good
for the children.

Of course it's good
for the children.

The child is, you know,
with their parents--

parent all the time,
looking after it.

And, you know,
they're in charge
of this child,

and the child has to do
whatever they say,
whatever's going on.

"Eat the crazy food we made."

"Oh, look, we're having
an argument."

"What's happening?
Nobody knows."

"Never mind.
It'll all be fun tomorrow.

Probably. Good night!"

So of course the child
wants a little creature

it can look after
and, you know, care for.

And say, "Have you been
a good guinea pig?

Have you been
a good guinea pig?
Have you?"

[shouting]:
"Have you been
a good guinea pig?"

"How would you know?
You have no moral compass."

"Do this math homework."

Um--

You know, really,
the other thing is,

I mean, it's the way people
learn about grief.

That's the other
function of pets.
That's the truth of course.

When you open the door
of the pet shop,
really what you're saying is,

"Which thing that dies
do you want?"

That's the truth.

So they chose a hamster, okay.
Now the hamster was this size.

This size.
Okay?

He ate my couch.

And he--

There's one leg left
and some foam.
That was it.

[growls]
Then he ate the cables
to the fridge.

Then he ate the Internet,
and then he fucked off.

Gone.

The pamphlet from the pet shop
said look for a bad smell.

We found 4,859 different
bad smells and no hamster.

When we did find him,
it was a week later

in the hotel my children
had made me buy him.

He was dead at his desk.
He'd been writing prison poetry.

Tiny bottle of Jack Daniel's
beside him and a pile of pills.

Both hands down his shorts.
He'd been writing terza rima.

Um--

Then of course we had
floods of tears
all over the house.

Floods of tears.
Wailing, weeping, gnashing.

And then more replacements.

There was Dieter,
Fenula... Cuckoo.

All these different
people arrived--

guinea pigs,
hamsters arrived.

They would last
for about seven minutes.
They would come in and go,

"Hi. I'm so excited to be
working with you people.

I've heard a lot
about you here.

Very, very,
exciting time for me."

[imitates groaning]
They'll have a stroke.
That's it.

And the tiny garden
at the back of the house
is a mass grave

full of these fuckers.

One morning my wife woke me up,
I just heard this voice--

It's Sunday morning, 7:00 AM.
Midnight, right?

And I'm...

in deep communion
with the pillow.

The pillow is here.

I heard this voice--
"Dylan."
"What?"

"Dylan. Dy--"
"What?"

"Wake up."
"What is it?"

"The rabbit."
"What fuckin' rabbit?"
[mumbling]

"No, listen.
The rabbit is dead."

[imitates chuckling]

"No, really. He is.

Listen. He has no head."

I had to get up.

I went into the garden,
and there was this
perfect rabbit. Perfect.

Not a hair out of place,
not a drop of blood,

not a blade of grass moved--

[imitates blade slicing]
No head.

Nothing.

And a five-layer,
modernist fox shit
right beside him.

Might as well have had
a card on the top saying,

"That's how I do.
I see you later."

It was amazing.
The threat.

And then we had to get a dog.
They wanted to get a dog.

"Dog, dog, dog."
"No, no, no, no, no,"
I was saying.

Now of course, we have a dog.
Of course we do,
because I'm a father.

People don't listen to fathers.
That's the truth.

'Cause they don't--
Fathers are not
considered people...

in families.

They're not.
A big force, yes.

An elemental force, even. Sure.
But not a person.

Look at the Christmas presents
fathers get.

Nobody knows who this guy is.

That's why they come up to him.

That's why they come up
to him and they go,

"Here you go. We got you a--
It's a-- What is it?
It's a woolly penguin.

You squeeze it.
It says 'fuck' in Dutch.
You may like it."

They don't know who he is.

"It's a giant clog-- clog--
made out of lunch meats
from all over the world.

You get into it, and it plays
the Austrian national anthem.

I don't know. We thought
it might be your thing."

They don't know who the guy is.
So of course we have a dog.

Now I don't want to be here
standing, talking about
my fucking dog either, okay?

That was never
the plan for me.

I didn't want a dog.
I didn't want to stand up here
and talk about it.

You know, I remember
passing these guys

in the hills around
where we live.

These guys standing there
in their barber jackets

with some huge animal
on the lead,
taking a shit in the weeds,

and they would look at you
with this face, as if to go,
"What can you do, eh?"

Well, you could not
look around for excuses

for giving up on your dreams,
you fucking loser.

That's what you could do.

I used to think that.
I didn't say it.

Now I don't think it.
I just say,

"Morning, Bob."
[continues, indistinct]

So, anyway-- So we're
going to get this pup

from this friend of mine,

and, um, he wanted to meet
in this coffee shop place,

near where he lives.

So I went, and, um,
it was one of these places,

and they have popped up
everywhere.

They are everywhere now.
London's full of them.

And you know
what I'm talking about.
They're really cool.

There's stripped back wood,
just bare brick.

No real furniture,
just, you know, coffee sacks.

It's too cool for furniture.
Just coffee sacks
and half of an old surfboard

signed from the 1950s,
something like that.

It's very intimidating
if you're of a certain age.

I walked in. I was the only
person who did not have
an Edwardian cricketer's beard.

Very excluded, I felt.

And everybody has
a lot of tattoos.

Tattoos used to be an anchor
or a girl or a tiger.

Now there's
The Book of Deuteronomy.

And it's becoming
Lord of the Rings.

It doesn't stop.
It just goes
wrap around the whole--

Piercings everywhere.
It looked like somebody had gone
by the building and just go--

[imitates gunshots]

And a lot of very earnest
conversations--

"Mmm, mmm.
Yeah, Hugo, we should.

We should open
a cauliflower bar.
We fucking should."

"Yeah, brilliant idea.

A ukulele patio.
That's a fucking
great idea, Miles."

"Yeah, let's do it.
Let's crowdsource that shit."

People having
those conversations,
the tattoos, the piercings,

one man with an actual javelin
through his chest,
nodding in the corner.

So I'm very intimidated.
I go up to the chief beard

in front of his
Harley-Davidson coffee machine.

There's too many coffees.

There's too many
different types of--
I wouldn't--

"Frotagitato."
I don't want that.

"Scaraccino."
Just give me
a cup of coffee, please.

I said, "Do you put two shots
in the coffee here?"

He goes, "Yeah!"
Like I had insulted
generations of his family.

I say, "Well, can I get it in
a slightly bigger cup, please?
Thank you."

And he went, "Yeah, you could."

And he didn't move.

I thought maybe this is
a new thing too,

so I just stood there
looking at him.

He didn't move.
Thinking-- Hmm?

"Make it so.

I know you're resentful
of me and everything

because you have a degree
in marine accountancy
or whatever it is

and you have to pour coffee
for a living,

but that's the way
it happens sometimes.

Just, please, can you do this?
What happens next?"

He's staring at me and he said,

"You could, but you're
going to lose the umaminess

of the single origin bean."

That's what the man said. Okay?

I said, "Okay, but you can
still do it, right?"

It's pretty neutral,
very mature.
Isn't it mature?

Then he said,

"Yeah, but it will get
radially diffused

on the camber of the cup."

I don't know
what I said then,

because we were on the street
all of a sudden.

Um--

He was saying some stuff
about coffee.

I was making some speculations
about him and his place
in the universe

and in what possible continuum
he might get laid.

Um--

It ended with me walking away
and him shouting after me,

"Enjoy your attitude problem.
Enjoy your life."

So I was really,
really mad, okay.

I was furious mainly at myself
for losing my temper.

So I go to my friend's house.

And my friend is annoying
at the best of times.

He didn't understand
the situation at all.

He's one of these people, okay,
who's always keeping up
with cool stuff and telling me

what I should watch and read
and what I should be
doing and all, you know.

"Have you seen the new
Scandinavian crime series?"
"I haven't, no."

"It's brilliant."
[imitates Finnish language]

"It's Finnish.
It translates as 'hot.'

It's about these--

It's about these three
detective fishermen

who get trapped in the hut
over the winter.

They're all in love
with each other.

One of them goes deaf
because it's so cold.

The other one goes fat because
he's got a lot of bait hidden
in the hood of his parka.

The other one is
narcoleptic and insomniac.

He spends the whole time
just doing this--

It last for a year and a half.

You have to see it
in the original Finnish,

otherwise you lose all the--
[imitates Finnish language]

which is Finnish for 'nuance.'"

Um--
[clears throat]

So there's all that, right?

And he didn't understand
the coffee situation.

He was just following me
around going,

"How can you argue
with the coffee guy?

Hi. Can I get coffee?
How can you have an argument?"

I didn't want to talk to him.
I just wanted to sit down.

I wanted to sit down,
and I tried to sit down
on this woolly chair,

but it shat on me.

Then he came running over.
"Oh, you found the dog.
You found the dog!"

'Cause he didn't have
a proper dog. You know?

He had one of these
modern fucking--
[speaking gibberish] dogs.

What happened to dogs?

The dogs.
You know, dogs, Labradors.

I grew up with those
classic dogs.

Labradors--
it's a human being
in dog form.

You know what it is.
It's walking around going,

"Have you seen my glasses?
I don't know where they are.
I can't find it.

Where-Where is it?
I'm sorry.

Have you got
the crossword?"

Um--

Even if they're annoying,
you can recognize them.

You know a Spaniel, you know,
is like some drunk
auntie at a party,

one whose ears keep
going into their mouth
and they have to spit them out.

"I'm a Spaniel. I'm a Spaniel.
I've always been a Spaniel."

Or a Saint Bernard.
They're ludicrous-looking,
but you know what they are.

They're that-that dog,
the one who are,

"You go up at the mountain
because you're a dick."

All those people
doing those sports,
ridiculous sports,

calling you in the middle
of the night in January.

"Hi. I'm stuck up
the mountain.
It didn't go well."

The mountain at night
in January.
How does it go right?

"What are you doing?"
"We're having a curry. Go away."
Click. There.

To all of those people
doing those sports:
fly diving and hole finding--

They're responsible
for their own actions, okay.

If you want a sense of danger,
stop wasting everybody's time,
okay?

Blind fold yourself
and walk around your flat,

have a friend hit you
with a stick.

But...

if you go--
if you go up the mountain,

you know how the dog--
it's the dog that comes over

and drinks Brandy
watching you die.

It's that dog.

But he didn't have
a proper dog.

He didn't have a proper one.
He had one of these dogs.
You don't know what they are.

It looks like
a car wash with teeth.
You don't know what it is.

He came running over and said,
"You found him.
That's our 'Schnaper Daniel.'"

He's on his knees
tickling the dog.

"He's called Mr. Beans.
Isn't he adorable?

We called him Mr. Beans because
the first thing he did when
he came into the apartment was

he jumped up
on that table over there
and he ate a plate of beans.

Isn't that adorable?"

I said, um,

"I-I-I also like beans.

My name is not Mr. Beans.

My name is
Mr. Shit Shoes,

because I have shit
on my shoes.

When you're quite finished
giving Mr. Beans a hand job

or whatever you're doing there,

I would like a towel
or a shovel or something, okay.
Thank you very much."

Because the thing is,

he had gone for
the easy relationship,

which is with a dog.

That's not challenging.
The dog never says anything
difficult to you.

Like at meal times,
doesn't turn around and go,

[smacking lips]
"Why do you do that thing
with your mouth?

Are you always going
to do that?

Am I going to look at that shit
for the rest of my life?"

All the dog ever says is--

"I can't believe
you came home again.

I can't believe
you came home again."

Is that it?
Is that all the challenge
you want in your life?

I happen to live with somebody
who is very stimulating,

who asks me deep,
philosophical questions
that are hard to answer.

Like, she'd walk through
the kitchen and see me and go,

"You're wearing that shirt?"

"It's looking that way."

"But we're going out.

Out of the house.
People will see me with you.

Works out rather well for you.

You look like you make a living
fighting pigs in a hole.

Put a different
fucking shirt on." Um--

I don't argue.
I don't argue.

I'm not good
at the arguing thing.

It's not my field.

Some people are good at it.

If somebody knows you--
Don't argue with somebody
who really knows you,

'cause they can just
flip you one-handed.

She knows all the moves.

We'll walk in--
"You're in a bit
of a weird mood."

Aaah! There's no way
you don't react to that.

[stammering]
"What do you mean?"

Huh?

"Well, look.
You're being so aggressive."

Then you sort of twig
what's going on. You go,

"I am-- I am not. I am not.
I'm not aggressive."

"Well, you're very
passive-aggressive."

"I am not passive-aggressive!"

"Okay, but you're very
defensive or something.

I'll see you later when
you're in a better mood." Um--

"You just left there going--"
[screams]

Very hard to think
of a comeback.

"You're just using me for sex."
Um--

But the thing is,
it's great to be known
by another person as well.

You don't know what to give
each other at anniversaries

'cause you've been
together for so long.

You know?
It's not like that
when you first meet.

There you go.
Cotton or silk
or whatever it is.

When you're ancient,
you just roll on top
of one another,

open your mouth
and rubies fall out.

It's, uh--
It's this ambiguous
middle passage.

Nobody even knows.
What are you supposed to do?
Eighteen years? Seventeen years?

There you go.
There's a remote control
covered in Nutella.

I thought
you'd enjoy that.

You gotta work it out, you know.
How are you gonna do it?

I mean, what happens is
you end up dividing tasks.

You know, you're good at this.

The other person is
good at the other thing.

My wife, like,
one of her areas is,
you know, the future.

What that is,
where it's happening,
what time it starts,

what's gonna happen in it.

The past is also something
she has made her own.

What actually happened,
who was responsible,

how the crime
shall be remembered--

sometimes while we're busy
talking about somethingelse,

and my overwhelming resemblance
to all the villains in history.

But no-- And also the present
is something she curates.

That is something
she understands.

But no one person
can do everything.

That's out of balance.
In a relationship,
you can't have that.

That's, you know--
It's stupid. So--

I-I taste the crisps.

There's a lot of new flavors
out there now.

Beetroot and vertigo.
Horseradish and déjà vu.

People don't know
how to approach those.

Sometimes you have
to step in for them
and tell them it's okay.

You know, you work it out,

and, um, of course
it's very rewarding.

[stuttering]
But people are misrepresented.

Men are misrepresented
to women.

You know, they're always
built up as heroes
in films and so on.

My favorite bit
in all those action films is

when the ordinary guy,
who turns out to be a hero,

turns around
to his own family and goes,

"Everybody just shut up.
Stop arguing.

Do what I'm saying.
Trust me for a minute."

That's when all my family
bursts out laughing
and point at me and go,

"Ha-ha! Imagine how quickly
we would be dead."

"Imagine all the different ways
we'd be dead."

Men are not heroes,
by and large.

You know, you make it
to middle age,

you're not a hero
most of the time.

You're just a jelly baby
with a few quid.

Um--

You know, you just--

Women are misrepresented,
of course, as well.

I mean, young men
are full of nonsense
about women now,

because of all the way
they're described.

You know,
also because of pornography,
that's part of it.

I didn't know anything
about pornography
when I was growing up.

It didn't exist in Ireland.

If somebody had a picture
of a woman's arse,
it was a huge deal.

People would start
arranging ferries.

There were power surges
in the infrastructure.

Now--
[clears throat]
you wake up you go,

"Take the anal wallpaper away.
I just want some Weetabix,
please."

Why are they called
"adult films" anyway?
What's all that about?

What's adult about
putting a part of yourself
in and out of somebody else,

thousands of times
in this space
for a couple of minutes

and looking pretty
unhappy about it?

A really adult film would be
some bored-looking woman

sitting at a kitchen table
looking at a rainy window,

and some depressed-looking guy
comes around the corner
and says,

"The bowel condition is fatal."

And she goes, "Mm, well,
I still don't love you."

And then "The End" appears.
That's an adult film.

But women--
Women are misrepresented

because a lot of young men
are told about hot babes.

Check out these hot babes.
Look at these hot babes.

Listen to these hot babes
walking around
on modern flooring surfaces.

Look at them.

Look at this hot babe
over here

taking her
contact lenses
in and out.

Ooh, that's hot.

What about this one?
Look at her.

She's thinking of moving
to Shrewsbury. Mmm!

Saucy!

What about this one over here
on the bus, staring at her feet,

wishing they were a bit smaller?

She's regretting that argument
she had with her sister
at Easter.

Ooh, that's hot!

All women are hot.

Scientifically, they're hot,

because they all regulate
their temperature in a totally
different way to men.

Now this is
the science section, okay.

Some of you who
don't understand science,

it will sound like
generalizations.

See, um--

The--[applause]

During the day,
the daylight hours,

all women,
all over the world,

are freezing.

And there's a reason for this.
It's got to do with
information processing.

Women, as you know,
were the original model
for the Internet.

If the woman is doing something
and she goes over here,

she travels,
she goes somewhere else.

She goes,
"Oh, I'm over here now.
Oh, it's windy.

Oh, look.
I found a grapefruit.

Brilliant.
I'm bringing that home."

She talks to another woman,
"What's it like over there?"

"Well, it's a bit windy,
but you get grapefruit."

Brilliant.
That's the Internet.
Now--

A man gets hold
of a piece of information,
he thinks,

"Ha, ha, ha! I have an
advantage over everybody."

He curls into a ball
and dies there on that spot.

It's a totally
different process.

I know this 'cause I come home
with a cool story to share
with my wife.

You know, this is just
a gender split.

'Cause I'll come home
with a cool story,
like, you know--

"I saw your friend
in the supermarket."

You see,
that's something to share.

And she'll--

I'm not a trained sociologist
with a coat and everything.

But then,
what they probably call--

all the crazy shit starts,

because she turns around
with her insane
requirements for detail.

She'll turn around and say,
"Oh, really? Who?"

"I don't know.
You have 4,000 friends.

I have no idea.
There was a woman
I recognized.

She has big hair."

"Oh, Angela!"
"Yeah, I think that's her.
Yeah."

"Is her husband's cousin's
orthodontist back from Peru?"

"I don't know that.
I don't know.

She was buying tomatoes.
I didn't talk to her
in case she asked me something."

Um--

It's a totally different
way of sharing information.

So all women during the day
are freezing

because all the kilojoules
in their bodies are burnt up

by knowing everything
about everybody around them
for a two-mile radius.

And to make it worse,
everybody they live with
is a clueless zombie.

So the woman's standing
around all day,
generally just freezing.

Just feeling cold going,
"Oh, God. Somebody give me
a cardigan.

Please fix the draft.
Where's the fucking
radiator in this house?

What's wrong with everybody?
Nobody knows anything.

They're gonna come in
and ask me stuff.
Here they come, here they come."

Then they just come.
They come in--
"Have you seen my--"

"Yeah, I put it on the stairs
an hour ago.
I knew you'd want it.

You running for the train?
Yes, I made you a sandwich.
I knew you wouldn't think of it.

Yes, it's vegetarian.

That's gonna last
for a day and a half,
you fucking moron. Yes.

What is it, dear?
Irregular Spanish verbs?

Yeah, bring them over here.
I can't wait. There you go."

[shuddering]
"There you go, yeah?
Good work."

Freezing all day long.
She gets into bed.
She's doing nothing.

She falls asleep--
[mimics explosion]
She goes on fire.

And then turns around and says,
"Why do you never put your
arms around me anymore?"

That's because I want them back.
That's why.

I don't want two charred stumps.
Thank you very much.

Nobody told me I was marrying
fissile material.

What are you burning in there?

Um--

They're all hot.

Now,

you know, I'm not a hero,

but I sort of imagine
like most people,

I think of myself
as reasonably not brave,

but, you know,
sanguine or, you know,
cool about most things.

And, um, I said that after
we got this film--

We were watching this film.
It was a heroic film,
and I was thinking,

I can't do any of that stuff.
I can't remember the last time
I was really afraid.

And my wife said,
"Oh, well, I can."

We were watching television.

And she was right
'cause it was one of those
scary films.

I wasn't scared by the--
I love bad scary films.

That's what it was.
It was from the '70s or '80s.
It was terrible.

It was a creaky landing,
and a woman with a nightgown
with a candle,

and there's a window with
net curtains going, "Ooh."

And my wife was petrified.

It's very funny watching
something terr--

I wasn't watching the film.
I was just watching her
'cause she was going,

"Oh, the candle, the curtain,
the curtain, the candle.
Oh, something's gonna happen."

Either I was laughing
or falling around,

then I went to get some more
wine or a cup of tea
or whatever it was.

I came back, and she flipped
to that thing where babies,
actual babies,

are coming out of real people.

Born in a minute,
that thing,

and they-they're coming out.

And I was going,
"Aaah! No, no, no!"

And she was there--
"What's the matter?

Eating lasagna.
It's just twins."

Um--

She's feeling very brave then,

but she couldn't handle it
if there were curtains
down there going, "Ooh."

And the babies came out
with a candle going, "Aaah!"

Um--

So different things get you.

And the-- the other thing
that got me was we were
walking along the river,

and, um, I'm not a--
I'm not a--

I don't like heights
or the dark.

They're pretty much
universal fears.

I thought I was good
with everything else,

but I don't like
small flying objects
coming at me at high speed,

and that's what happened.

A small flying object
came at me at high speed.

I shrieked as I fell.
I'm a practical person.

Um--
[clears throat]

Got into the fetal position.
You hear a lot about
how empathetic women are.

I'm not sure how empathetic
my wife was feeling at the time,

'cause she was busy laughing,
and, um--

It was that silent laughter
where nothing--
she's just rocking.

And after about half a minute,
she was able to work me
into her schedule and go,

"A leaf! A leaf! A leaf!"

In some cultures,
people would probably
call that fear.

And, um--
[clears throat]

But actually, I've talked
for far too long. I should go.

The, um--
I'm gonna tell you this,
and then I'm gonna go.

[audience groaning]I don't think--
I don't--

Oh, thanks.
That's very--
That's very--

[whispering]:
There's nothing left.[audience laughs]

Shh.

Oh, there is. There is,
but I'm not gonna remember it.

You get to a certain point,
and that's it. The car stops.

Then it's this. Okay?

Uh--

One of the few things
I can imagine that
probably is easier--

a bit easier for women,
if you happen to be a woman,

is flirting.

That's because
it's hard for men.
There's no guide.

At least there's
a protocol for women.

There's a template.
There's something
you've seen before.

You know, in films and so on,
a woman talks to someone
and goes,

"Yeah, I'm kind of interested."
Maybe a little bit talky,

and then maybe slightly
laughing, "Ha-ha! Yeah, well,
I suppose it's possible."

And then slightly more
intrigued and looking
and listening and, "Mmm, yeah."

And then maybe slightly shy
about her own interests,

looking away, but not being
able to resist looking back,

frankly more interested
this time and looking
and thinking and then-- Ha-ha!

Laughing and enjoying,
"Oh, you really are rather--
Mmm."

And then revealing something
more of herself possibly,

maybe just as a suggestion,
by accident,
and then disappearing.

So that person is left going,
"Who's that amazing woman?
Wow!"

Try that as a man.

Talking to a woman going,
"How's it? Yeah."
[muttering]

"Ha! Yeah."
[muttering]

Oh, I looked
too interested there.
Look away. Wait, wait, wait.

I can't help it.
I have to look back.
I'm really interested.

[imitates nervous laugh]

Judging just the right
amount of scrotum
to reveal before you.

Yeah, ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much.

[audience cheering]

Thanks a lot.
Night-night.

[cheering continues]

Okay.

Okay, I forgot a thing.

It's not a huge surprise. Um--

So, look,

I'm going to do this.
This is what happened.

This book came out
a couple of years ago,

and it was, uh--
it was very famous.

It was around for a while.
It was around
for a long time actually,

and the movie is
just out recently.

When the book came out,
I was thinking,
"Oh, that'll go away."

And it didn't,
so I got very intrigued.

I went down to the bookshop
and I waited a little bit
standing there.

It was called, um,
Fifty Shades of Grey.Um--

It's an erotic novel.
It's written, you know--

It's targeted at women,
so it's obviously interesting.

And, uh--

Well, it is,
'cause it's such a success.

And I was reading a bit
and I thought,

this is--
this is kind of funny,

but it's also gotta be--
this is possibly an easier way
to make a living.

So--

I started-- I started--
It doesn't have a title.

There's no title.
It's just--

It's just called
"Erotic Fiction Blockbuster."
Okay?

So, I hope my hair looks good.

The, um--
[clears throat]

If you get aroused,
don't worry about it.
It's happening to everybody.

"Yes!" You see that
straight in there.

"'Yes,' she said,
looping with her fingers away

with glossy comma
of fringe from her brow."

"'Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!'

'Who are you?' He said."

[audience laughing]

"'What are you doing
in my bathroom?'

She approached him
like a panther,

a drunk panther who was
walking on their back legs
as a party trick.

She looked at his midriff
naked under his
vest-shirt-cardigan

and three-quarters-length
duffle coat.

Her breast heaved.
She saw the testicles bag
twisting against his knee.

Her other breast heaved.

'What's in the bag?' she said.

He stepped closer wary,
frightened, disbelieving,

disorientated
but definitely aroused.

'What's in my bag?' he said.

She raised her chin to him
showing no trepidation

apart from some brief,
intense fiddling
with her hospital bracelet.

He stepped closer
cruelly, deliciously.

His duffle bottoms
pressed into her.

She thought she might come
right there all over
the loofah and everything.

His gaze was stern, unyielding
like an Easter Island head
stuck in traffic."

[applause]

"'Soup,' he said!

Although because he had
a cleft palate,

it came out as, 'Cloup.'

'Bite me,
using only your gums,'
she screamed.

'Fling me into a windmill.

Hide my phone charger.'"

Thank you very much, everyone.
I'll see you later.
Night-night.

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

[cheering fades]

[chattering]

[ladder wheels
rattling]