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1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:04,572
* Men.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,207
Morning.
3
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:07,141
Morning.
4
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,477
Oh!
5
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,213
We got Maple Loops.
6
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,847
* It's got oats and
corns and wheat *
7
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,449
* It's the sweetest
breakfast treat *
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,486
* It's Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! *
9
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,489
Not a Maple Loops fan?
10
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,091
Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
11
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,358
It's just, uh, threw me.
12
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,494
My, uh, my brother wrote
that jingle.
13
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,262
Get out of here-- he
wrote Maple Loops?
14
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,064
Yeah, yeah,
he wrote lots of jingles--
15
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,300
Maple Loops,
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.
16
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,901
Granny's Big
Fudge Nuggets?
17
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,503
* From the magic
chocolate mountain *
18
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,971
* There's a secret
chocolate mine *
19
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,241
* With Granny's Big Fudge
Nuggets and a taste *
20
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:43,244
* That's oh so fine.
21
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,946
Wow, that's a good memory.
22
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,115
What else, what else?
23
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,882
Uh, well, there was
Hammerstein Beer.
24
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,119
* The girls look prettier
with Hammerstein Beer *
25
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,487
* You like what you see,
you like what you hear *
26
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,189
* Grab a cold frosty
mug and pull her near *
27
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,357
* 'Cause the girls
look prettier *
28
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,259
* With Hammerstein Beer.
29
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:03,164
I had no idea your brother
was a freaking genius.
30
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,632
Well, he managed
to live 44 years
31
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,200
screwing everything that moved
32
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,435
without catching
a fatal venereal disease.
33
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,969
I...
34
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:14,575
I suppose there's a form
of genius in that.
35
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:15,976
You don't talk
about him very much.
36
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,145
Were you guys close?
37
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,579
Oh, yeah, we were,
we were inseparable.
38
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,514
I mean, why do you think
we lived together for so long?
39
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,117
Well, Berta says it's 'cause
you're a parasitic leech.
40
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,387
Admittedly, that was one
of his pet names for me,
41
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,655
but not true.
42
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,957
H-He loved me
and I loved him.
43
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,359
Oh, oh, you remember
this one? Uh...
44
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,494
* Bad stuff grows
in the cracks of your toes *
45
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,662
* But nobody knows
46
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,930
BOTH:
* Like Toezene.
47
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,667
Yeah, he said
I inspired that one.
48
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,170
You miss him, don't you?
49
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,971
Oh, of course I miss him.
50
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:48,376
I don't miss the smell of vomit
and lubricant in the morning...
51
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,411
but I-I do miss him.
52
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,613
Oh, what about this one?
53
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,382
* I'm a pepper,
he's a pepper *
54
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,116
* She's a pepper,
we're a pepper *
55
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,685
* Wouldn't you like
to be a pepper, too? *
56
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,953
Uh, uh, no, Charlie
didn't do that one.
57
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,524
Oh, it's not that
catchy anyway.
58
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,527
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
59
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:09,330
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
60
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,534
* Men.
61
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:16,404
* It's got
62
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:20,808
* Oats and corn and wheat
63
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:25,813
* It's the sweetest
breakfast treat *
64
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,415
* It's...
WALDEN:
* It's...
65
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:31,552
* Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! *
66
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,289
Oh, sorry.
67
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,426
You were being sad, weren't you?
68
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,761
A little.
69
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,930
No, I-I can't tell you
how many hours
70
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,866
I watched my brother
playing this piano
71
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:49,637
or passed out under it.
72
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,674
One time I walked in and he was
having sex on top of it.
73
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,643
You can see
where the young lady's ass print
74
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,846
didn't quite wax out.
75
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,914
Maybe he should have
used a coaster.
76
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,386
(doorbell rings)
77
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,987
(playing piano)
78
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:10,458
New business idea--
ass coasters.
79
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,961
We're here to pick up a piano.
80
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,865
Oh, right, I, I forgot.
81
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:18,999
Uh...
82
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,370
Hold on.
83
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:32,446
So I imagine you're anxious
84
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,914
to get rid of some of these
85
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:34,948
painful memories.
86
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,517
No, are you kidding me?
87
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,018
I mean, this piano
is practically
88
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,853
all I have left of my brother,
89
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,390
except for, you
know, all the DNA
90
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,825
he left on the
couch and...
91
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:48,296
on the floor and...
92
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,631
on the walls and
on the stairs,
93
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:55,503
but I'm not going to clone him,
so the piano's pretty much it.
94
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:59,440
Okay, we got a problem then.
How so?
95
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:01,875
Well, you know
how I'm redecorating the house?
96
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:05,613
I donated the piano to a music
school for underprivileged kids.
97
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,614
What?
98
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,649
How could you be so selfish?
99
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:11,385
I'm sorry,
I'll just tell the kids
100
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:14,755
they have to keep practicing
on a painted slab of wood.
101
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,624
No, no, you're right.
102
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,958
This, this should
go to someone
103
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,793
who will benefit
from it.
104
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,329
You sure?
105
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:24,532
Yeah, yeah, let me,
uh, let me just get
106
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,467
Charlie's personal stuff
out of here.
107
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:30,738
Oh, oh, here's some of
his unfinished music.
108
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,674
Uh, panties.
109
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:37,945
Panties... panties.
110
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,013
Water pipe.
111
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,816
Oh, vibrator.
112
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:43,817
(buzzes)
Oh.
113
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,519
(clatters)
114
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,388
So we're talking songs,
115
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,724
thongs, bongs,
and schlongs.
116
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:54,094
If he had an autobiography,
that would be the title.
117
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,431
You know, there was a time
118
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,400
when I would have found
these things disgusting.
119
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:00,434
And now?
120
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,102
There's a certain wistfulness
121
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:04,071
mixed in with my revulsion.
122
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,072
(knocking)
123
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,840
Ready to go here?
124
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,476
Uh, yeah, come on in.
125
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,511
It's over here.
126
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:13,714
Thanks, we would've had
trouble finding it.
127
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:16,083
I changed my mind!
128
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,551
You can't have him!
129
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,819
Okay, okay,
Alan, Alan,
130
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,454
what about the kids?
131
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:21,989
Screw 'em!
132
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,592
(sobbing)
133
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,360
We're gonna need another minute.
134
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,061
Oh, Charlie, why?
135
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:32,800
Why, why, why, why, why?!
136
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,868
Why?!
137
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,611
White people.
138
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,447
* Men.
139
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,449
Hello, Dad?
140
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,418
Right here.
141
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,753
Oh, hey.
142
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:58,592
Something's different.
143
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,530
Your uncle's piano is gone.
144
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:03,897
Oh, yeah.
145
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,666
Were we robbed?
146
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:10,103
Yes, we're the latest victims
of the piano thieves
147
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,873
that have been plaguing
the beach.
148
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,576
Damn, they got my good bong.
149
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,579
What?
150
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,549
Oh, man, that is so wrong.
151
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,752
No, it wasn't
a robbery.
152
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,654
Walden's
redecorating.
153
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,055
Cool.
154
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,024
You know, for
some reason,
155
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,461
your uncle's death is
really starting to hit me.
156
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:34,895
I mean, I don't know
if I was in de...
157
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,063
What are you doing?
158
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,165
Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?
159
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,668
Nice try.
160
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,636
You're not the only one
who misses him, you know.
161
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,438
Really?
162
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,639
You never talk about it.
163
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,508
I need a beer to loosen up.
164
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,546
Not gonna happen.
165
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,047
Now, come on,
talk to me.
166
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:57,651
I don't know, Uncle Charlie
just never treated me
167
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,653
like I was some stupid kid.
168
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,622
That's nice.
169
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:05,025
He treated me
more like a stupid person.
170
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:09,530
Well, I know he loved you.
171
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,532
Then how come
he didn't leave me anything?
172
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,901
Well, you don't measure love
by things.
173
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,503
I disagree.
174
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,040
Nothing says "I love you"
like a Mercedes CL600.
175
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,975
Hey, the Mercedes
was leased.
176
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,878
And is that all your uncle
meant to you-- a nice car?
177
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,780
Of course not--
I learned a lot from him.
178
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,048
Like what?
179
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,517
Well, let's see.
180
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,652
If it doesn't fit,
don't force it.
181
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,726
It's always better
to say sorry afterwards
182
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,794
than ask for permission before.
183
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,231
And if it's burning,
bleeding, or oozing,
184
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,500
go to see a doctor ASAP.
185
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,972
(sighs)
Oh, God.
186
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,741
But probably the most
important thing I learned
187
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,275
is that by the time I'm his age,
188
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,611
I want to be married
and have a family.
189
00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,046
Really?
190
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:02,082
Yeah, Uncle Charlie
was very lonely, Dad.
191
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:05,519
Yeah, yeah, he was.
192
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,688
And I don't want to be like him.
193
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,591
Well, good for you.
194
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:13,561
Of course, I don't want
to be like you either.
195
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,666
Even better.
196
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,802
By the way, do you have a number
for this Dr. Asap?
197
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,005
He's not listed anywhere.
198
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,740
What?
199
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,241
I mean, I don't need him
right now,
200
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,744
but I want to have him
on speed dial, so if I do,
201
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,846
I can get him
as soon as possible.
202
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,651
ASAP?
203
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,020
Yeah, him.
204
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,091
A-S-A-P?
205
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,994
I know how to spell it, Dad,
I'm not an idiot.
206
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,632
* Men.
207
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,967
Can I get you
another appletini, Alan?
208
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,302
Yes.
209
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,303
Uh, no, uh,
210
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,738
make it a bourbon.
211
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,707
Since when
do you drink bourbon?
212
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:00,908
It's what my brother drank.
213
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,077
Yeah, but your brother
knew how to drink.
214
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,312
Hey, I watched him for years.
215
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,080
You don't think
I picked up a few things?
216
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,649
Maybe.
217
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:11,284
It certainly wasn't
women or checks.
218
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,822
Ah, there you are.
219
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,356
Oh, how'd you find me?
220
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,726
Well, you're
depressed,
221
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,260
and when you're
depressed, you drink,
222
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,995
and when you drink,
you come here.
223
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,631
If you were a fat guy,
I would have gone
224
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,198
to where they
serve pies.
225
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,869
Hi there.
226
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,103
What can I get you?
227
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,972
I will have a
ginger ale, please.
228
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,007
One ginger ale,
coming right up.
229
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,909
Uh, I-I'm still waiting
on that bourbon.
230
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,678
I've only got two hands.
231
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,748
Here you go.
232
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,349
Can I get you
anything else--
233
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,353
slice of lime, peanuts,
breakfast in bed?
234
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,055
Thank you, I'm good.
235
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,858
Oh, I'm betting you are.
236
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:54,027
(Alan clears throat)
237
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,697
Don't be clearing
your throat at me.
238
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:58,899
Here.
239
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,367
Thank you.
240
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,704
She's nice.
241
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:04,705
To you, sure.
242
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,674
You live
in a world of nice.
243
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:07,841
That's because I'm
nice to people,
244
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,309
and they're nice
back to me.
245
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,344
No, it's because you're tall,
rich, and good-looking.
246
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:14,214
And nice.
247
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,216
Oh, please, that had
nothing to do with it.
248
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,685
I mean, take my brother.
249
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,853
He wasn't nice,
but he had money and looks,
250
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,288
so he always got
a free pass.
251
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,157
Men wanted to be him, and
women wanted to be with him.
252
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,994
Actually, a few of the men
wanted to be with him, too.
253
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,228
A couple of 'em
actually succeeded,
254
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,063
but that's a story
for another day.
255
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,833
Well, cheers.
256
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,269
Hi.
257
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,239
Hi.
258
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,674
Who's your friend?
259
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,945
He's a bloodthirsty
psychopath
260
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,447
with a panel van and a
rag soaked in chloroform.
261
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:50,150
Hi, I'm Alicia.
262
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,920
I'm Walden.
263
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,958
* Men.
264
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,029
And then, after he
kills the women,
265
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,931
he peels off their faces
266
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,166
and uses them to make
hand puppets.
267
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:08,368
Good night, Alan.
Good night, Alan.
268
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,204
Okay, see you in the Dumpster.
269
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,806
(giggles)
270
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,809
Man.
271
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,346
I couldn't score a woman like
that if my semen cured cancer.
272
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,289
Aw, Charlie.
273
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,129
I'll bet
you're up there watching
274
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,132
and laughing your ass off.
275
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:42,936
You left a big hole
down here, buddy.
276
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,005
And a lot of little ones.
277
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:54,047
I-I never told you this while
you were still alive, but...
278
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,951
I would've given anything
to be like you.
279
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,887
Even for a day.
280
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,088
(dog barks)
281
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,457
Hey there, big guy.
282
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,359
Where'd you come from?
283
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,861
WOMAN:
Douglas!
284
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,196
Douglas,
where are you, boy?
285
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,298
Up here.
286
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:14,835
Oh... pretty mommy.
287
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,236
(sighs)
There you are, Douglas.
288
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,238
I'm so sorry.
I hope he didn't bother you.
289
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,373
Oh, not at all.
This is my favorite kind of dog.
290
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,308
Oh, you like labs?
291
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,509
No, I like dogs
292
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,211
that fetch me beautiful women.
293
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,512
Cute.
294
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,980
Is this your house?
295
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,548
Uh, not exactly.
296
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,783
What do you mean?
297
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,351
I mean, after we fall in love
298
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,553
and get married, it'll be ours.
299
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,889
Wow, you don't waste
any time, do you?
300
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,126
Nope. When I see what I want,
I get right to the B.S.
301
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:42,129
I'm Melanie.
302
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,031
Melanie Laughlin.
303
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,933
Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie.
304
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,535
I'm...
305
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,170
Charlie.
306
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,438
Charlie Harper.
307
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,006
* Men.
308
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:58,478
* Men.
309
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,513
That was fun.
310
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,515
Yeah, it was.
311
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:05,218
You know, I was a little worried
I wasn't gonna be able
312
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,519
to get used to
single life,
313
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,288
but this "casual sex
with no commitment" stuff
314
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,656
is kind of
growing on me.
315
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,993
Wait, what?
316
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,328
Thank you for
the intercourse.
317
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,396
Bye-bye.
318
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,368
(sighs)
319
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:25,338
Well, Mr. Penis is happy.
320
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,941
Time to take care
of Mr. Stomach.
321
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,412
Good morning.
322
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,414
Morning.
323
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:39,419
You are an incredible lover,
Charlie Harper.
324
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:43,490
I believe if a gal's worth
doing, she's worth doing well.
325
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,192
(laughs)
326
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,894
You're terrible.
327
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,362
Yes. I am.
328
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,201
Hey.
329
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,269
Can your dog hold
a video camera?
330
00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,140
* Men.
331
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:03,911
Berta, how do you feel
about casual sex?
332
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,545
I'm all for it.
333
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,281
Just let me
finish the dishes
334
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183
and run a comb
through my hair.
335
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,021
Morning.
336
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,022
Morning.
337
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,389
Morning.
338
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,898
What are you doing?
339
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,199
Hair of the dog.
340
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,200
Oh.
341
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:30,971
Oh, that one's not dog.
342
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,605
Bye! Call me!
343
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:33,606
Oh.
344
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:34,942
I will!
345
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:38,045
As soon as I remember your name.
346
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:40,413
Who was that?
347
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,548
Oh, I just tapped
348
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,650
a little strange last night.
349
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,651
(dog barks)
350
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,419
Which one did you tap?
351
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,457
I'll give you a hint.
352
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,525
I didn't do the dog
people style.
353
00:14:56,463 --> 00:15:00,433
It's walking like Zippy, but it
sure ain't talking like Zippy.
354
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,635
Yeah. I don't know him
as well as you do.
355
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,304
Is he prone to having
mental breakdowns?
356
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,305
Prone, no.
357
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,475
Eligible, certainly.
358
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,444
* Men.
359
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,180
Whoa, look who's getting busy.
360
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,581
Hey.
361
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,450
Mr. Harper,
we were just making out.
362
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,352
Yeah, we all know
what happens after making out.
363
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,553
Making in and out.
364
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,724
(clears throat)
365
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:28,728
Listen up,
grasshoppers.
366
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,599
You know how they say that
marijuana leads to harder drugs?
367
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,202
Well, the same thing
applies to the human tongue.
368
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,636
It leads to
harder organs.
369
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,241
Now, if you are not careful,
you're gonna wake up one morning
370
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:42,642
with a big-headed
bun in the oven.
371
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,345
No offense, Charlie Brown.
372
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:49,049
I'm begging you,
please leave.
373
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,351
Relax, I'm just
looking out for you.
374
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:52,986
Here, tell you what.
375
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:56,023
Take the young lady out
for a nice dinner, on me.
376
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,558
It's a dollar.
377
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,293
You're welcome!
378
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,597
* Men.
379
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,500
I think we have a problem.
380
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,269
Your father?
381
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,370
Yeah.
382
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,172
He's acting like
my Uncle Charlie.
383
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,407
I mean, he's even dressing
like my Uncle Charlie.
384
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:18,511
The only thing left of my dad
is his cheapness.
385
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,651
Well, Jake,
he suffered a big loss.
386
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:29,122
People deal with that
in different ways.
387
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,158
I mean, I still haven't
processed the grief
388
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,560
over my marriage
ending.
389
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:37,797
I'm... sure someday it'll hit me
390
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:42,469
that the most important person
in my life is gone.
391
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,474
My soul mate.
392
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,809
My best friend.
393
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,344
My lover.
394
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:57,584
In the meantime,
you just carry on.
395
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:01,821
And you to try to fill that void
by having casual drunk sex
396
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,057
with strange, hot women
that don't mind
397
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,159
if you dance around
in their panties.
398
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:14,567
Is everybody turning into
Uncle Charlie?
399
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,636
* Men.
400
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,773
Ah, Cuban in one hand,
401
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,309
scotch in the other.
402
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,577
All I need is
a French chick in my lap
403
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,679
and I'm the
United-freakin'-Nations.
404
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,681
(knocking)
405
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:30,450
Got a minute?
406
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,619
Uh, pretty busy, but okay.
407
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,755
Thanks.
408
00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,424
All right, look...
409
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,694
People are really
worried about you.
410
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,098
Hey, the only reason people
are worried about me is 'cause
411
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,468
they can't wrap their heads
around how cool I am.
412
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:52,739
Yeah, no, I don't
think that's it.
413
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,108
Look, I know you
miss your brother.
414
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,176
(scoffs)
415
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,444
Miss my brother?
416
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,478
That parasitic leech.
417
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,180
Not likely.
418
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:04,217
Hey, you remember that
shrink that you sent me to?
419
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,318
Maybe you should
go see her.
420
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,553
What for? I'm fine.
421
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:07,787
What's your name?
422
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:08,755
Charlie Harper.
423
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,390
You're not fine.
424
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,526
Well, I guess we'll have
to agree to disagree.
425
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,631
Okay.
426
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,634
I'll tell you what, why
don't you get some rest,
427
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,904
maybe lick your finger,
stick it in a light socket,
428
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:28,675
and we'll revisit
this in the morning.
429
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,543
You got it, big fella.
430
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,916
Who the hell was that?
431
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,421
* Men.
432
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:45,692
* It's got oats
and corn and wheat *
433
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:49,529
* It's the sweetest
breakfast treat *
434
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,863
* It's...
435
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,334
* Maple, maple,
maaaaple-icious! *
436
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,471
Uh, what are you
doing in here?
437
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,373
What are you
doing in here?
438
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,642
It's my shower!
439
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,278
Once again, agree
to disagree.
440
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,346
Okay, listen...
441
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,880
Whoa! Nice penis!
442
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,882
You could paint a
face on that thing
443
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,951
and ride in the
car pool lane.
444
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,524
Thank you.
445
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,726
Uh-oh, what's going
on down there?
446
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,895
Call the cops;
I've been robbed!
447
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:24,564
* Men.
448
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,500
ALAN:
Great idea.
449
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:28,968
You and me, Vegas.
450
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:29,969
(chuckles)
451
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,604
Yep.
452
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,573
I am gonna show you a good time.
453
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,342
They love me in Vegas.
454
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,909
I'm sure they do.
455
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,347
Trust me, the name Charlie
Harper opens a lot of doors.
456
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,515
And a lot of legs.
457
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:43,883
No kidding.
458
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,718
But be sure to wear a condom.
459
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,555
Not everything stays in Vegas.
460
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,590
Okay.
461
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:52,559
Well, here we are.
462
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,661
Really? This doesn't
look like the Bellagio.
463
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,529
It's the, uh, back entrance.
464
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,599
Ah, not the only back entrance
we'll be using this weekend.
465
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,434
Am I right? Up top.
466
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,805
(laughs)
467
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,006
Hello, Mr. Harper.
468
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,708
If you could just
come with us.
469
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,009
Uh, don't forget my bags.
470
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,744
We'll be going to
the presidential suite.
471
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,381
Oh, yes, sir.
472
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,682
Slip 'em both a sawbuck.
473
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,284
I'll see you in the room.
474
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,751
Will do.
475
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,353
(tires screeching)
476
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,756
This way, Mr. Harper.
477
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,260
So who's playing the big room?
478
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,695
Celine? Elton?
479
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,963
I'm gonna want tickets-- comped.
480
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,366
* Men.
481
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:36,503
* Men.
482
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,405
Hello, concierge? Yes.
483
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,673
Um, this is Charlie Harper
in the presidential suite.
484
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,310
Uh, I'm gonna need
a bucket of ice,
485
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:46,379
a bottle of scotch
and two Asian hookers.
486
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:49,716
You know what, they're small.
487
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:52,285
Make it three.
488
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,153
Yes, thanks.
489
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,555
(sighs)
490
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,824
Winning.
491
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,226
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
492
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,429
and TOYOTA.
493
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:04,196
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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