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1
00:00:00,801 --> 00:00:05,706
* Men.
2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,343
So you're not paying
any rent at all?
3
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,745
Walden doesn't want
my money, we're friends.
4
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,615
Wow. I can't wait till I grow up
and find a friend
5
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,484
of my own to live off of.
6
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,220
That's my dream for you.
7
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,554
WALDEN:
Mail's here.
8
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,556
Whoa!
9
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,591
Whoa!
Whoa!
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:24,692
Hey!
11
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:32,200
Uh, Walden, are you
feeling okay?
12
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,467
Yeah, fine. Why?
13
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:36,770
Your junk's all over
the couch, dude.
14
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,272
Yeah, so?
15
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:41,475
It's my house, my couch,
my junk.
16
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,677
Fair point.
17
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,413
Remember, we're guests.
18
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,115
I thought we were friends.
19
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,650
What is this?
20
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:53,721
Package for "Alan Smith"
from "Penis Pump Industries."
21
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,790
Nobody here by that name.
22
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,393
I'll just... I'll take this
back to the post office.
23
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,832
Oh boy, perfect.
24
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,435
What?
25
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,803
It's my divorce papers
from Bridget.
26
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,605
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man.
27
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,142
I remember getting
my divorce papers.
28
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,676
That was a sad,
sad day.
29
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:16,844
Remember, Jake?
30
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,679
I wasn't with you,
I was with Mom.
31
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,448
She had a party on a boat.
32
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:24,352
You gonna be okay?
33
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,120
Yeah, I'm fine.
34
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,655
I guess I knew it was coming.
35
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,290
Well, that's a very
healthy attitude.
36
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,259
Of course, I was hoping she'd
change her mind.
37
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,794
But if I had hope in one
hand and poop in the other,
38
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,463
guess which hand would be full?
39
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:38,332
The poop hand?
40
00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,900
Bingo.
41
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,270
Yes.
42
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,573
Well, my marriage is over.
43
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,441
Big deal.
44
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,743
It's only the final death knell
45
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,613
of the most meaningful
relationship of my life.
46
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,448
Bong.
47
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,317
That was a knell.
48
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,386
But you're young.
49
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,788
I'm sure you'll find
someone else eventually.
50
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,224
Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure.
51
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,858
It's easy
to find a soul mate.
52
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,328
Heck, you practically trip over
them everywhere you turn.
53
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,497
Oh, look, a soul mate!
54
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,899
Oh, jeepers, there's
another soul mate!
55
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:15,369
Everywhere I look
it's another soul mate.
56
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,205
No, it's a great day.
57
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,241
It's just another fabulous day
in the life of Walden Schmidt.
58
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,642
Yah!
59
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,418
Dad?
60
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:31,685
Yeah?
61
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,455
Please tell me I'm not
done growing.
62
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,758
Knock yourself out.
63
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,196
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
64
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:45,499
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
65
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:48,436
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
66
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,504
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
67
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,207
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
68
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:56,277
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
69
00:02:56,310 --> 00:03:00,781
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
70
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,388
* Men.
71
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:18,232
Walden?
Yeah?
72
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,469
What you doing?
73
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,871
If I'm going to forget Bridget
and start a new life,
74
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,939
I got to get rid
of the old one.
75
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:29,310
Uh-huh. So, uh,
so this is all...
76
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,812
Wedding photos
and love letters.
77
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:32,846
Right, right.
78
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,717
Oh, this is from
our second date.
79
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,619
"I am bananas over you."
80
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:39,953
Isn't that adorable?
81
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,725
Burn in Hell,
little monkey.
82
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,729
This-- wedding video.
83
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,931
Honeymoon video.
84
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,401
Oh, maybe I'll
keep that one.
85
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,004
Listen, I understand that you're
very upset right now,
86
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,706
but there may come a time
87
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,708
when you'll regret not having
some of this stuff.
88
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,043
You still have
your wedding photos?
89
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,778
Well, the half
that she gave me.
90
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,515
And by half, I mean
half of each picture.
91
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,483
(imitates paper ripping)
92
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,052
Yeah, well, I don't want
any mementos.
93
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,622
In fact, I don't even want to
think about Bridget anymore.
94
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,057
I am wiping the hard drive.
95
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,527
Okay.
I'm rebooting the system.
96
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,529
Whatever makes you happy.
And to really get a clean start,
97
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,597
I'm going to sell this place
and move to New York.
98
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,400
With the possible
exception of that.
99
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:27,468
Why?
100
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,936
What do you mean why?
101
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,540
If you sell the place,
I wouldn't be able to live...
102
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,808
...with myself.
103
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,679
If I didn't encourage you
to reconsider,
104
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,914
and maybe talk
to a professional.
105
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,616
Like a shrink?
106
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:45,819
This could all be a sign
of clinical depression.
107
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,755
I guess you would know.
108
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,391
If you're interested, I could
recommend a good psychiatrist.
109
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,393
The one that my brother
used to go to.
110
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,095
Uh, your brother
ended up dead.
111
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,431
Well, yeah, that's
'cause a crazy woman
112
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:59,099
pushed him in front of a train.
113
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,001
You can't blame
his shrink for that.
114
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,004
If anything, blame
the crazy woman's shrink.
115
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,039
I guess I got nothing
to lose, huh?
116
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,709
I'm in.
117
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,978
Okay. Well, I'll go get
her number.
118
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:15,883
Geez, being a parasitic leech
is exhausting.
119
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,587
* Men.
120
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,723
I'm sure you're aware that
depression is often the result
121
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:23,991
of repressed anger.
122
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,594
I'm not angry.
123
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,596
Well, I got to tell you, Walden,
124
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:31,999
burning all the mementos and
photographs from your marriage
125
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,835
can be construed
as an angry gesture.
126
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,571
That's not an angry gesture.
This is an angry gesture.
127
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,772
Arr!
128
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,941
That's a good one, too.
129
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,546
Why don't we put your marriage
on the back burner for now.
130
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,880
Let's talk about your childhood.
131
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,850
I had a very happy childhood.
132
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,385
Filled with wonderful memories.
133
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:52,720
Your parents still together?
134
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,055
No, and I don't want
to talk about it.
135
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,693
All right, fine.
136
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,497
My first childhood memory
137
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:06,099
was my father disappearing
when I was three.
138
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,968
He abandoned you
and your mother?
139
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,737
No, he disappeared.
140
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,473
He was an amateur magician
and it was his signature trick.
141
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,475
Oh.
142
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:17,778
And then when I was four,
143
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,147
he ran off with
a lady sword swallower.
144
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,884
At least that's what
my mother called her.
145
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,120
In retrospect, it might have
been a euphemism.
146
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,957
So what was your mother like?
147
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,893
Well, after Dad left,
she raised me by herself.
148
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,462
And how was that?
149
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,929
It was great.
150
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,098
She did everything for me.
151
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,100
And I always felt
safe with her.
152
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,002
That sounds wonderful.
153
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,604
It was.
154
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,006
And the saddest day of my life
was when it ended.
155
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,441
Why, what happened?
156
00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:49,009
I got married.
157
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,679
Hello.
158
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,016
How did your wife
and your mother get along?
159
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,218
Not very well.
I don't know why, though.
160
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,454
Maybe it was just 'cause
they were so different.
161
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,055
I see.
162
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,924
Tell me more about your wife.
163
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:04,892
Bridget?
164
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,561
She's great.
165
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,929
She did everything for me.
166
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,798
And I always felt
very safe with her.
167
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:14,101
Oh, isn't that what I said
about my mother?
168
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,170
Oh, Walden, you went
and beat me to it.
169
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,507
I wonder if when we get
right down to it,
170
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,708
I married my mother.
171
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,543
And we're off.
172
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,912
What are we saying here?
173
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,048
That Bridget's right
and I am emotionally immature?
174
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,617
And all those years
175
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,786
I was treating her more
like a mother than a wife?
176
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,855
And how would that
make you feel if that were true?
177
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,890
That would make me feel
very angry.
178
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,160
And repressed anger is sometimes
the cause of...
179
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,261
Depression.
180
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,497
Ta-da.
181
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,098
Ta-da.
182
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,135
That's the last thing my dad
said before he disappeared.
183
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,740
Is that it? Am I cured?
184
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,576
Well, "cured" is one of those
laymen's terms
185
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,512
that we psychiatrists
try to avoid.
186
00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,981
It hurts repeat business.
187
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,516
Do I need to come back?
188
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,518
I'm thinking three times
a week.
189
00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,019
Well, I was going to leave town.
190
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,721
Well, then you have
a choice to make.
191
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,558
You can stay here and make
your problems go away,
192
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,826
or you can go away
with your problems.
193
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:16,163
Well, that is going in my book.
194
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,633
Okay, I need to know
one more thing.
195
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,168
When I was having sex
with my wife,
196
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,970
was I really having
sex with my mother?
197
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,038
I'm thinking double sessions.
198
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,540
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday?
199
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,610
What... You...
Um, you don't work on Fridays?
200
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,144
Not anymore.
201
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,613
I'll see you next week.
202
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,648
Thank you, Dr. Freeman.
You're welcome.
203
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,317
Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine.
204
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,553
Bye-bye now.
205
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,089
Bye.
206
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,291
(door closes)
207
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:47,027
Hmm, maybe I'm not gay.
208
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,332
It turns out all these years,
I've been trying to duplicate
209
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,935
the good feelings
I have for my mother
with my wife.
210
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,805
Oh, see, you lose me at good
feelings toward my mother.
211
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,808
Uh, I would like
a jumbo hot dog,
212
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,010
an extra large nachos
and a super slushee.
213
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,778
Um... you want anything?
214
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,980
No, I'm good.
Oh, come on, you
treated me to the movie,
215
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,616
let me treat you
to a snack.
216
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,851
Give my friend
a small popcorn.
217
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,256
Oh, God!
218
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,725
What?
219
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,259
It's my wife.
220
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,194
Oh... Wow!
221
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,865
That is one handsome
man she's with.
222
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,367
You think?
223
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,036
Oh, yeah.
He's gorgeous.
224
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,105
He's better looking
than me?
225
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,974
Well, it's apples
and oranges.
226
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,777
I mean, you're prettier,
but he's more... (growls)
227
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,748
What do I do here?
228
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,684
Well, the adult thing
would be to say hello
and meet her new fella,
229
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:47,855
but I'm a big believer in
yelling fire and escaping
in the confusion.
230
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,257
No, no. I'm going
to be a grownup.
231
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,692
Bridget!
232
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,360
Hiya! Over here!
233
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,264
Oh, Lord.
234
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,700
The closer he gets,
the better he looks.
235
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:02,803
Uh, Walden, this is Alex.
Alex, Walden.
236
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,271
Heard a lot about you.
237
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,675
Yeah? Did you hear
about my giant penis?
238
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,779
(sniffs)
239
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,313
I smell smoke. Does anybody
else smell smoke?
240
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,015
Hey, Alan, Hi.
241
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,249
Hey.
242
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,217
Alan lives with Walden.
243
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:20,754
So, Alex...
244
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,956
What do you do?
245
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,092
I'm a cosmetic surgeon.
246
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:29,830
Really? Beverly Hills,
Botox, boobies?
247
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:34,301
More like Mogadishu,
cleft palates and burn victims.
248
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:38,105
He travels around the world
helping children in war zones.
249
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340
Oh.
250
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,977
What are you guys,
like, on a date?
251
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,914
Walden, you knew eventually
I'd start seeing other people.
252
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:47,915
Nuh-uh.
253
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,016
Whatever.
254
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,718
Um, we should go.
255
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,786
Nice to meet you.
256
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:56,056
Really? What about
this was nice?
257
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,129
You didn't tell me
he turned gay.
258
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,766
He's gonna split
that little guy in half.
259
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,370
What a loser.
260
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,373
That'll be $47.28.
261
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,275
Oh, oh, damn.
262
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,277
I-I left my wallet in the car.
263
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,712
Uh, do you mind?
264
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,848
Oh, yeah, sure.
265
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,717
Oh, and throw in
some Twizzlers.
266
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,753
No, no, the big one.
267
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,323
* Men.
268
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,725
I think you handled
that very well,
269
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,728
seeing Bridget
with another guy.
270
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,063
Another guy?
271
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,365
She's dating Conan
the Humanitarian.
272
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,235
Yeah, she kinda is.
273
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,071
It's like evolution,
you know?
274
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:48,842
He is to you as you are to me
as I am to a howler monkey.
275
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,243
That doesn't make me
feel better.
276
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,345
How do you think
it makes me feel?
277
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,114
You think
she's sleeping with him?
278
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,448
You kidding?
279
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,118
I'm surprised they
made it to the movies.
280
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,220
(sighs):
Oh, God.
281
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,923
Well, which raises
a certain question.
282
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:07,394
Um, your wife clearly attracts
some extraordinary men.
283
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,796
Of course she does.
284
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:09,797
Look at her.
285
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,099
I have.
286
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,435
Which brings me
to the question.
287
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:19,807
Uh, does she have some
sort of special powers?
288
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,541
You know, sexually?
289
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,243
What do you mean?
290
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,545
All right, I'll just come
straight out and say it.
291
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,415
Does she have
a magic vagina?
292
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,451
Like, can you pull
a rabbit out of it?
293
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,521
Never mind.
294
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:37,257
* Men.
295
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,059
In retrospect,
maybe that wasn't the best movie
296
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,260
to see under the
circumstances.
297
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,895
Are you kidding me?
It was perfect.
298
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,531
Boy meets girl,
boy loses girl to a better guy,
299
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,834
boy kills himself.
300
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,869
Still, you got to
love Sandra Bullock.
301
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,038
Here, take my keys.
Why?
302
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,240
'Cause I'm going to get
dirty, stinking drunk.
303
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,274
Appletini.
304
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,910
Twice.
305
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,979
Two beers.
306
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,883
Whoa.
307
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,051
Check it out.
308
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,386
What?
309
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,257
Who's that remind you of?
310
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,327
Harry Potter?
311
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,930
Bridget.
312
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:19,867
Maybe a little. So?
313
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:20,934
So it's a sign.
314
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:21,935
Of what?
315
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,203
I don't know.
316
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,571
But I'm going to find out.
317
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,007
Hi, I'm Walden.
318
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,541
Danny.
319
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,610
Danny?
320
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,312
Short for Danielle.
321
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,347
My father wanted a girl.
322
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,583
It's nice
to meet you, Danny.
323
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,185
Let me save you some trouble.
324
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,953
I'm here with somebody.
325
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,521
Oh, yeah, of course.
326
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,590
A beautiful girl like you.
327
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,425
Bathroom's disgusting.
328
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:48,195
I had to do the
squat and hover.
329
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,864
At least you're not
peeing in a trough
330
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,532
with looky-loos on either side.
331
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,101
I'm Alan.
332
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,335
Kiki.
333
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,603
Oh, Kiki.
334
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:57,637
Short for...
335
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,573
K-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki.
336
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:04,344
Obviously, I'm gonna have
to spell it out for you guys.
337
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,348
Oh. Yeah, that certainly
clears things up.
338
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,518
What, you thought
we were hitting on you?
339
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,554
Maybe I have to
spell it out for you.
340
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,060
See?
341
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,528
My apologies.
342
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,497
I should've known by
looking at... him.
343
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,634
Uh, what was
that about?
344
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,002
Just work with me.
345
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,503
Still want to buy
our drinks?
346
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,538
Uh, sure.
347
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:32,605
Cheers.
348
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,141
Cheers.
Cheers.
349
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,576
We're here, we're
queer, get used to it.
350
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,212
* Men.
351
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,015
(gasps)
352
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,217
Oh, man, check this out.
353
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,920
Did you buy it together?
354
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,021
Oh, I wish.
355
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,556
Mr. Moneybags bought it.
356
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,491
I just make it a home.
357
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:55,295
Come on, Alan, let's go
get our guests a cocktail.
358
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,896
(chuckles):
No offense.
359
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,570
(chuckles):
Oh, cocktail.
360
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,606
All right,
what's the plan?
361
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,041
We gonna try
and get them blind drunk
362
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,242
and then flip them over
to our team?
363
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:10,277
What? No.
364
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,378
Don't worry, I'll take Danny.
365
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,946
You can have the hot one.
366
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,182
Well, first of all,
Danny is the hot one.
367
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,552
And second of all,
I'm not trying to flip anybody.
368
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,321
So what was kissing me about?
369
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,655
I like her.
370
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,457
And I want her
to feel comfortable
371
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,658
being around us.
372
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,327
So you used me.
373
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:30,630
Oh, come on, Alan.
374
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:31,731
She reminds me of Bridget.
375
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,066
Just help me out here.
376
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,367
Fine.
377
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,270
Oh, and I'm sorry
about kissing you.
378
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,405
No, it's all right.
379
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,973
If a man's gonna kiss me,
380
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,009
I prefer he looks like
the Son of God.
381
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,576
Thank you.
382
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:48,081
Now, are we
gonna do this?
383
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,083
I can't quit you.
384
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,588
* Men.
385
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,657
So when did you
realize you were gay?
386
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:01,228
Oh, boy, that's a toughie.
387
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,564
Uh... I guess my first hint
388
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,334
was when I was, like,
five or six years old.
389
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,203
I used to make my G.I. Joe dolls
390
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,472
touch each other
inappropriately.
391
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,175
I used the horn
from my toy unicorn
392
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:17,710
to make a strap-on
for my Barbie.
393
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,548
Mom was not happy.
394
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,450
So when did
you come out?
395
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,352
It was later.
396
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,487
Uh, I was actually married.
397
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,656
Ooh, I bet that
didn't end well.
398
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,758
No.
399
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,127
But I still love her.
400
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:38,798
Even though, you know,
I'm playing for Team Penis now.
401
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,733
I am.
402
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:45,138
So, girlfriend,
scale of one to ten,
403
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,507
exactly how
gay are you?
404
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,143
I don't understand.
405
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,779
Well, you know, one being
"love the one you're with,"
406
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,815
and ten being "touch me with
that thing and I'll cut it off."
407
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,285
Oh.
408
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:01,088
I still don't understand.
409
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,290
Are you exclusively
with girls?
410
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,692
Oh, no.
I like guys, too, sometimes.
411
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:06,693
Oh.
(chuckles)
412
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,161
What a coincidence.
413
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,696
I happen to swing
both ways as well.
414
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:10,797
Really?
415
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,632
You don't look like it.
416
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,371
So how'd your wife react
when you told her you were gay?
417
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,773
She was very
understanding.
418
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:21,708
Very supportive.
419
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,709
That's nice.
420
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,577
Did I tell you we were
421
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,678
high school sweethearts?
422
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,680
Couple of times.
423
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,851
She was the love
of my life.
424
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,386
What about Alan?
425
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,222
Oh.
426
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:39,259
Yeah, you know,
I-I... love him.
427
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,298
Ah, God, I can't
do this anymore.
428
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,633
I'm on Team Vagina.
429
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,335
What?
430
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:51,204
I miss my wife, and I
wanted to hang out with you
431
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,705
because you
remind me of her.
432
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,308
Really?
433
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,110
I'm sorry I lied to you.
434
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,884
It's okay.
435
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:08,488
Come here, you poor baby.
436
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,758
Don't even think
about it, slick.
437
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,561
Sorry. I'm sorry.
438
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:19,232
So, if you're not gay,
what's the deal with Alan?
439
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,234
I'm not sure.
440
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,702
He claims to
be straight,
441
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:25,672
but his lips opened a
little when I kissed him.
442
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:30,210
Look at me, I'm
kissing a girl.
443
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,311
You're kissing
my girl!
444
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,579
Oh!
445
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,514
Oh, yeah, yuck.
446
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,515
(screams)
WALDEN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
447
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,549
Whoa, whoa.
448
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,750
All right, calm down.
449
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,519
You can tell him
he can stop acting gay.
450
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,520
I'm not acting!
451
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,455
You really hit me hard.
452
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,324
I'm sorry. Let me see.
453
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,525
(screams)
454
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,626
Okay, that was
uncalled for.
455
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,495
How could you?!
I'm sorry.
456
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,930
Don't blame her. I mean,
it was really... (screams)
457
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,233
Come on.
458
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,401
Bye, Walden.
459
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,403
Bye, Danny.
Bye, Kiki.
460
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,837
You have a really
lovely home.
461
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,875
Are you okay?
462
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,945
Well, I think she broke my nose,
463
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,516
but I almost turned
a lesbian, so...
464
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,818
I'm gonna count it as a win.
465
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,253
Attaboy.
466
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,288
* Men.
467
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,733
This was a nice idea.
468
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,735
I'm just trying
to cheer you up.
469
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:32,439
After all, you did get
your ass kicked by a girl.
470
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,708
Well, jury's out
that it was a "girl."
471
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:39,946
Uh, Walden, I-I've got
a confession to make.
472
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:43,683
Listen, I know you didn't
really forget your wallet.
473
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,618
Oh.
474
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:48,921
Okay, then I guess I have
two confessions to make.
475
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:53,226
Um, the other one is that
I-I've been a very selfish man.
476
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,794
How so?
477
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,663
Well, when you told me you
wanted to move to New York,
478
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,897
the only thing I
could think about
479
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,499
was me losing a
great place to live.
480
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,901
I was totally oblivious
to your feelings.
481
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,770
Don't worry about it.
482
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,438
No, no, no, I
need to say this.
483
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:08,375
You know, you're a great guy
and you deserve to be happy.
484
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:11,911
And if you have to
move, I'd understand.
485
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:14,714
But, uh, I want
you to know
486
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,517
I-I'd really,
really miss you.
487
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,421
I'd miss you, too.
488
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:22,989
But I'm not going anywhere.
489
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,657
Oh, you're not?
490
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,993
Nah, the shrink's right.
491
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:30,797
My problems are gonna
follow me wherever I go.
492
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:34,601
Besides... how could I
leave my best friend?
493
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,803
(chuckles)
494
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,838
Aw...
495
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,480
I'm the luckiest
guy in the world.
496
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,752
Told you.
497
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,455
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS.
TELEVISION
498
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,457
The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta.
It's great, for the price
of good. That's das auto.
499
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:03,796
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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