All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s12e01 - An Imbalance in the Poppability

Ah!

Nh, spla. Ooh!

BELL DINGS

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm-mm! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Oh! Wow. Mm!

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with all social

distancing guidelines in place
at the time of filming

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, one and all!

I'm Greg Davies,
and I am the Taskmaster,

and this is Taskmaster!

It's a brand-new series
with a brand-new cast

and a brand-new set of tasks.

But I'm not brand-new.

Quite the contrary.

I'm a living relic,
an almighty deity,

resurrected time and time again.

I'm not as good as God,
but I sure am one swell guy.

So, who are the five so desperate to
get their hands on my golden goblet

that they would go against
the explicit advice of their agents?

Well, let's cast our eyes
across five faces of fear,

and please welcome Alan Davies...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

..Desiree Burch...
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

..Guz Khan...
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

..Morgana Robinson...
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

..and Victoria Coren-Mitchell.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And now, to my assistant.

Usually I introduce him
in a derogatory way

but, for a change, I thought
he could read the introduction

I've written for him.
Over to you.

My name is Alex and, in interviews,

I pretend Greg and I
are friends in real life.

But, in truth,
we barely know each other.

Also, I've got a little winkie.

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Do you want to play a quick game
of "whose face am I sitting on"?

Yes, cos I know this is
the pre-prepared banter

you've got for us.
It's a little game for you.

I thought you'd enjoy this.
Whose face am I sitting on, Greg?

I don't know, Alex.
You can have 120 guesses. OK.

LAUGHTER

I can do an impression of them. OK.

"Oh, would you like a present?"

Er, Father Christmas!

Yes! Father Christmas.

That was really good.

You can't sit on
Father Christmas' face.

Oh, yes, you can.

LAUGHTER

Right, same old prize task, is it?

Yes, way, Jose.

And for this first episode,
they've been asked to bring in

the thing that, if you put it
in a bag and sit on it,

it would feel the nicest.

There are five enormous points
available for the best thing

that would feel the nicest
when sat on in a big bag,

and the winner of tonight's episode
will win all five things,

and therefore require
an even bigger bag.

And a much bigger bottom.

This task, to me,
feels fraught with dangers,

but I know I'm going to start
with a mature man who I know

won't have gone route one.

Alan Davies. Welcome to the show,
what have you brought in?

It's an inflatable cushion...

OK. ..which I have for
the kids in the car.

But as an optional extra,

an electric toothbrush.

A car seat and a toothbrush.
There you go, Greg.

You probably would put
the toothbrush inside the cushion.

It's got a little zip.

Then you turn it on and, of course,
it buzzes and vibrates.

And that's always a bonus
in a seat, isn't it?

Do you imagine the toothbrush
to be lengthways?

Of course. Or sideways?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

LAUGHTER

I expect questions, but come on,
there's a level of common sense.

You'd have to recharge it,
so there's a limited amount of time

for you to enjoy the vibration
of your seat, Alan.

And that, my friend, is where
the whole thing falls down.

LAUGHTER

Des... Desiree.

The most comfortable thing,
I think, on planet Earth are boobs.

and you can't put human boobs
in a bag because...sick.

But you can get a replica
of those in a bag.

So, what we got were those chicken
cutlets, like, that replicate boobs.

Chicken fillets?
Yeah, those little guys.

Oh, you mean that thing you...?
Yeah, that go bloop, right?

And they feel boob-like in a bag.

Here's a bunch of boobs for you.
OK.

ALAN: Static boobs, no variety,
no variation, no rotation.

Well, I mean, you can go to a couple
different shops, if you want,

and get different boobs, all right?

To be honest, they can all laugh,

but we've managed to get guys
home with those. Yeah! So...

LAUGHTER

You haven't managed to get
any guys home with them in a bag.

Guz, what have you brought?

I bought a chair,
and then, I put it in a bag.

Here is the chair. It's the same one
as he's sitting on at the moment.

Right, so he didn't bring a chair,
he's just...

No, I might've bought it,
you don't know.

It's important that you and I
form a bond of honesty

at this stage in the series.
So, I ask you this now...

..last minute, did you think,

"I'm just going to say
I brought this chair?"

Yeah, a little bit. Right, good.

Last place. Morgana.

LAUGHTER

What have you brought in?

I've brought in
a spinning washing machine.

But it's got to be on spin,
not just any old washing machine.

OK. But it's got to be, you know,
on "vibrate" for the last bit.

And we can see it spinning
right now, Greg. OK.

There it is. See, there it goes.
That's going to... Yeah, yeah.

I've got... Same vibe.

Same vibe, but a little bit less
subtle, I think, Morgana,

but there you are. I put it to you,
it's a hugely uncomfortable seat.

I just think it's a bit like -
I mean, I'm not saying I want to

spend all night on it, but...
How long do you want to spend on it?

Five, ten?

LAUGHTER

I think it'll give me bum problems.
Do you think?

I think it'll tighten everything up.
It isn't. I think it'll do

the opposite and work things out
I wouldn't want worked out.

Victoria. Yes.

You got a nice sitting thing?

Diamonds.

Interesting.

All this soft things and
squishy things, and vibrating things

are all very well.

I'm looking for the greater comfort
of long-term financial security.

LAUGHTER

So, these are the diamonds that
the winner is going to sit on.

Quite a few.
You've brought those in, Victoria?

No, of course not.

If I had that many diamonds,
I wouldn't be here.

So, what you're offering up
is the concept?

You asked what, if you put them
in a bag and sat on them,

would feel the nicest -
and I say diamonds.

As a rule...
I don't enjoy this kind of attitude.

There's an over-confidence to it
that I've stamped out of Alex.

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Here are my judgments.

In last place, guess who?

Is it Guz Khan? It's Guz Khan!

One point to Guz...
Guz, you're in the lead currently.

Obviously, er, the washing machine,

the second-laziest thing here,
two points.

Controversially...
Oh, now this is interesting.

..it's the diamond-bum girl,
three points. Oh!

Above a lifetime's supply of
diamonds, I'm going to have

a vibrating toothbrush.

So, four points to Alan Davies.
Four points.

And five points to Desiree!

Congratulations. And we're off!
Desiree, five points.

Well done, Desiree.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo! Feel the rush!

LAUGHTER

What's first on our agenda?

OK, we are starting with
a new non-non-contact sport.

MORGANA: Where's Alex?

Is he off sick?

Cheeky cacti, yeah.

OK.

Thought I was going to
call it a cactuses.

It's cacti.

ALAN: It's not a real cactus.

"Strike Alex with a ball."

"Alex may not run..."

"..Hide..."

"..or leave the Taskmaster grounds.

"Fastest wins.

So, I've got to find
the little bastard.

VICTORIA: "Your time starts now."

But...

..do I have to find the ball?

Where's Alex?

APPLAUSE

A sneaky task, Greg.

Why is it sneaky?

Well, they had a little camera
there. Yeah.

And I could see what the camera was
showing on my little screen here,

so I could see where they were
moving, but they didn't necessarily

know that I could see that.

Well, I don't want to mess around,

I want to get going.
Who are we seeing first?

The first two people we're going to
see share their names with old men,

it's Des and Vic.

DESIREE: Erm...er...

Where the hell would a ball -
would probably be in here?

Erm...

Oh.

Hello. Hello.
SHE LAUGHS

Do you have a ball with you? No.

Why...why am I looking in here?
This doesn't make any sense.

Er, OK, abort, abort. Abort!

I don't need two, do I?

Wait, wha...?

I thought you couldn't...

It says you can't hide!

This is...this is a ball.

All right, where's the Alex?

But he can't hide.

Not there, OK.

Well, this is ridiculous.

Are you watching all this on camera
and knowing where to go?

Cos that is horrible.

This is hiding!

If I can't see you, it's hiding.

Where have you hidden
this tall man?!

There's...and there he goes.

There, right.

I'm not good at throwing.

I'm so sorry!

OK, where the hell haven't I looked?

Oh, hello!

Shouldn't run, but I saw you!

Stop doing the thing
I know you're doing, man!

No...no!
SHE LAUGHS

Ah! I gotcha! Wha-ha-ha!

What a blow.

You're running, you're running.
I'm not allowed to run.

There, there!

SLOWED-DOWN: There!

I've stopped the clock.

That...is the most exercise
I've done since I was at school.

APPLAUSE

Desiree, there's a book
of Taskmaster quotes,

and, er, "Stop doing the thing
I know you're doing"...

LAUGHTER

..is going immediately into it.

Desiree spent the longest
looking for the ball.

We didn't expect that to be...
part of the task.

No.

What I enjoyed, though, is your
natural anger towards Alex. Yes!

And for you to feel rage this early
bodes very well for you.

Now, it seems to me, Victoria,

that you were baffled by
the rules of the game.

And you sought to
impose your own rules.

"If I can't see you, it's hiding."

Is everyone you can't see
now hiding from you?

LAUGHTER

I thought that I'd found him.

"OK, there he is, great.
Now I'll get the ball."

And then, I came back, and he
wasn't there - that is hiding.

I had moved, that's true.
How did they both do?

Victoria was the slower of the two,
seven minutes, 24. Hm.

But only 63 seconds quicker, over
here, six minutes and three seconds

is in the lead at the moment.

There we are. Six minutes
spent looking for the ball.

Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER

Lovely start. Right,
we're going to have a break now.

Let's see if Alex can finally
buff my bottom well enough

to see his crooked tooth in it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to the first
part two of the series.

Before the break,
the new cast were partaking

in one of my favourite pastimes
of hitting Alex with a ball.

Yes, you're so good at it, big guy.

We've learnt that Desiree
and Victoria

prefer not to travel above walking
pace,

but are Alan and Guz
more au fait with urgency?

Let's find out.

I think, uh, find a ball first.

Oh, that's annoying cos I saw him
and he's gone, but he's not hiding.

He's just moved.

Alex?

Alex!

Alex! Yeah?

Alex? Yeah?

Alex? Yes?

Alex!

I've looked in all the bits.

Alex? Hello? Alex?

Alex! It's me! Hey!

Maybe I'll just have a,
a snack, since I can't find him.

Guz?

Hello, Guz? Alex?

Guz?

Is there anywhere you can go?
Is there an upstairs?

Alex? Yes?

Are you in there?

Alex? Alex!

Ow! I was calling you for, like,
half an hour. I was calling you.

There's pictures of Alex with
a ball.

Oh, got me!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Two very different energies there,

and I have to say that normally
when we do a series, it,

it takes a few episodes

for the tired middle-aged contestant
to make themselves known.

So I'd like to thank Alan

for plodding around the house
before stopping for a snack.

Very different energy from Guz.

It seemed to me that you wanted to,
uh, murder Alex.

Yeah, I asked somebody as well,

"Have you got any heavier balls
than this?"

I really wanted to...
You did wanna hurt him.

..some substantial damage, yeah.

This is good, my boy. Thank you,
thank you.

OK, so who did better,

the, uh, psychopath who was in
pursuit of you, or my lovely uncle?

Well, bearing in mind
we thought Victoria's time was slow,

Alan was three minutes slower
than Victoria. Ten minutes 22.

But Guz was also five seconds slower
than Victoria, so, uh,

seven minutes 29.

Uh, how am I suddenly
the benchmark for slowness?

What we found is, I move quite fast.
That's what we've established.

Nice. Who's left?
It's time for the Morgana show.

Ready? Ready. Time starts now.

Ball! Balls.

Does anyone know, uh, are there any
balls anywhere?

Well, I mean, I've got to find a
ball.

Oh, I know where a ball is.

I've just seen him, the little...
but I don't have a ball!

Aah!

Oh!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Now, now we're talking.

Now we've got some spirit.
Bit of verve.

Got quite a ducky run, though,
haven't I, which I wasn't aware of.

A slightly ducky run. I thought
you looked like a primed athlete.

Victoria, under her breath,
during it said, "So athletic".

Yes, I thought it was great.
I love sitting next to Victoria.

I barely give them out.

I think there's been a handful
of occasions across 11 series.

I'm going to give Morgana a bonus
point for her attempt. Wow.

Before we even give her a score.

Why are you giving, uh,
Morgana a bonus point?

You would think it was because you
set a trap for Alex,

which I really enjoyed and thought,

"I'm gonna give her an extra point
for that, it's so clever."

But it's not, it's cos you called
Alex a little... Ah.

Amazing, so a bonus point. Yeah.

Yes, you are setting quite
a precedent there

for the future. Yeah. Don't care.

And I've probably said quite
a few in the show, actually.

Yeah, well,
let's watch those points rack up.

No, listen, I can't fault it.
It was a spirited attempt.

Was it a good time, though?

It was five times faster than Uncle
Alan, two minutes and four seconds.

Oh, Uncle Alan.

Impressive... Impressive.

So tell me some stuff.

Yes, well, Alan only gets one point.

Then it was Guz, then Victoria,

then Desiree. Morgana, I mean, this
is unprecedented, gets six points.

I don't have a six function on this,
but five plus one.

So Morgana wins the task.

Go on, then, let's have
a scoreboard.

OK, well, Guz and Alan are at the
bottom

and Desiree's at the top
with nine points.

Well done, Desiree, well done.

What's next?

It's a creeping task
for our creepy cast.

Hello. Welcome, Alan.

This is a creeper.
Please could you lie down on it?

Now? Yes.

Oh, I don't feel like I've got full
range of movement in this outfit.

No. Belly, you want me to go belly
first? No. Back first?

Yes, please. Oh. All right.
It's called a car creeper.

Is this how you get underneath
cars to fix them? Yes, it is.

Little head that rests on the little
black pillow. Comfortable?

I mean, I've been more comfortable.
Here it comes.

"Paint the most flattering picture
of the Taskmaster in action."

"On the canvas in the lab."

SHE LAUGHS

OK!

"The canvas will either be six
inches or six feet above you."

"You must lie flat on your back
on the creeper at all times.

"You have ten minutes."

"Your time starts now
and you must tell Alex

"if you want the canvas to
be six inches...

"Or six feet above you within
the next ten seconds." Hmm.

I think I want it six, uh, dammit.
Uh...

But if it's six feet, uh,
how would I reach it?

Good question. With a very long
paintbrush?

Six inches! Six inches.

I think, uh, I think
I'll go six feet.

Six feet? Yeah. Up we go.
All right, then, Alan.

Six inches. I'll go six feet.

Good luck. Thank you.

You must stay lying down, though.
Oh.

Hmm, right. Yes, yes. Good.

Now, I'm not gonna make a feature
of this throughout the series

because it would become very
tiresome,

but I will point out that everybody
agonised

over the height of the canvas above
their heads apart from Alan, who,

when he said, "I think I'll go six
feet",

may as well have said, "What does
it matter? I'll be dead soon."

I found Guz Khan absolutely
adorable

for one beat during that
introduction.

He became a ten-year-old boy
and I wanted to hold him.

Yes, I can... I think I've got the
beat here. Here it is.

Back first. Yes, please. Oh.

Yes! Cute little thing.

Right, we're going to leave this
task hanging

like the very worst smell

because it's time for us to go to
the adverts,

or as Alex calls them,
the tiny films.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break,

the cast were manoeuvring themselves
about on a car creeper.

We've seen the decisions they made.

There's the six-footers,
Alan and Victoria,

and the six-inchers,
Morgana, Desiree, and Guz.

Here's how all of them got on.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't really know
where the lab is.

Where am I going?

DESIREE: Oh, er...

OK.

GUZ: Take these with me.

ALAN: This is the most bizarre
and unnerving experience.

Am I in the lab yet?

Whoa.

Fuck! OK, sorry.

Oh, I feel like I'm in an MRI.

What, this is way closer.

This is six inches?

Guys always think this is
six inches. This is five.

I'll tell you what, six feet is
further than I thought it would be.

What can I do it with?

I've provided with you with
some paints, and...

Wh-Where? Have I gone past them?

Is this a joke?

Oh, shit!

This is kind of the position I like
to be in, brother, when I'm at work,

you know what I mean?

This is not art.

This is a nightmare.

Where? Oh, I see.

Honestly...oh, my God!

Oh, look at all this shit! OK.

MORGANA: Ah! Oh, lovely OK.

Have you got any brushes on poles?

Paintbrushes, where were they?

Yeah, I feel like this is
the first task, bro, where, er...

..I really feel zen-like, you know?

What you've done is reduce
the ability for me to cause chaos,

do you know what I mean?

VICTORIA: What are these?
Big pencils?

It's just a stick!

Oh...

I'm exhausted.

Haven't seen any brushes?

Guys, is this a wind...

Oh, little bastard!

GUZ: I genuinely wouldn't mind
if you extended this task

to three-and-a-half hours.

DESIREE: Let's get some
features on this blob.

I think this is just appalling,
the way this has been organised,

to be honest with you.

I'm just going to
concentrate on eyebrows.

It's a gold throne, isn't it,
that he sits on?

Oh, I've got no fucking gold.

You've got six-and-a-half minutes.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

There wasn't a time thing
on the actual thing.

There was.

I wish I'd done the six inches.
HE LAUGHS

Anyone can paint from six feet.

Oh, this is too long.

This is not how painting
should be done.

I think I've strained
every muscle in my body.

GUZ: Don't have to rush.
Still got some time.

If there's some kind of
bowel movements from me,

it's a natural part of life, innit?

20 seconds, Alan. Oh, come on!

20 seconds to give a man a soul?

Do you what I think is the problem?

It's the paint brush.

This is not uplifting for people!

SHE LAUGHS
This is awful.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Guz, did you expect,
for the first time in your life,

to find inner peace whilst
trapped under a canvas?

Listen, absolutely not.

You learn something new
about yourself every day.

But it was a very nice break

from running around like
a dickhead all day.

I just want to say, though,
I was covered in paint.

And I had to go two-and-a-half
hours back to Cov,

and the brother that was
driving me back said,

IN ACCENT: "I don't want you have
any paint on my car, so sit."

LAUGHTER

So, the whole zen-like thing
didn't last that long? No.

It was well, sort of,
Sistine Chapel vibes, weren't it?

I just imagine, you know, like...
Yeah, it's very Michelangelo. Yeah.

Unlike Desiree who, er,
shouted, "Whoa! Fuck!"

LAUGHTER

That's right.
When she got to her canvas.

And there's a feeling to you,
Morgana - I feel, watching you,

that at any minute, you could just
smash everything up and run away.

But it was very contained.

I was composed.

I don't think that Victoria knew
what show she was signing up to.

ALL LAUGH

Alan, you'll be pleased to know

you've made it into the Taskmaster
heritage book of quotes with,

"Oh, come on, 20 seconds
to give a man a soul."

LAUGHTER

And I can't wait to see my soul.

Well, I thought it'd be nice
to see the six-inchers first,

so we can compare and contrast.
Five. Five!

A gentleman's six.

LAUGHTER

Well, Desiree tried to get
some "faces on the blob",

that was her quote.
And this is what she did. Yeah.

I love that. That looks really good.

Very expressive!
There's a lot of action in that.

You were also emerging from the sea.

Is it a reflection of him
at the top?

There was a, sort of, a myth
of Narcissus thing going on,

with your reflection rippling in the
water that you had just destroyed

because you were in action.
Ooh! Right.

Just really bullshitted that one.
Did that come out all right? Yeah.

Great. We've got Guz next.

Yes, Guz. He did that.

LAUGHTER

I think it's very excellent.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Yeah, obviously in my spare time, I
do enjoy smoking a big reefer!

What are the hand prints?

Kind of like a signat...
what do you call it? A signature.

A signature, yeah. Yeah.

He's got your bags, hasn't he,
Greg, under the eyes?

Yeah, yeah. I noticed them.

I was giving him the benefit
of the doubt. Right.

The last six-incher is Morgana.
Here we go. All right.

Oh, that looks like a majestic deer.

You're playing football, by the way.
Oh, am I?

Yeah, that's a ball and a net
on the left there.

You've just scored a goal.

But you're still a little bit
pissed off, so hence the eyebrows.

Oh, they're eyebrows.
Couple of quotes from Morgana.

"He's basically all eyebrows."

"He's got a pointy nose."
"He's nostrilly and angry."

He's "basically all eyebrows"?
Basically.

Thanks, Alex, thanks.

Who's next? Well, Alan said
you've got a dark soul,

you're red in the face,
and you're piggy-eyed...

LAUGHTER ..and he did this picture.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Ooh! I like it.

Up to the last second,
you didn't have any eyes at all,

and then, it really looked
terrifying. Yeah.

But I really have given you
a soul there and now,

who wouldn't want that man?

He was making the "rage of
Taskmaster". That was his title.

Well, the rage of Taskmaster
comes through. I like the face.

OK, well, there's one left.

It's sort of the minimal approach,
this is Victoria's painting.

Oh, here we go.

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on, Victoria.

You've got to dig deep.
We're here for ten weeks.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I don't know if my self-esteem
is going to survive this series.

I...Desiree did
the myth of Narcissus.

LAUGHTER

I couldn't do a face!

That would be more like me
if you'd just fallen into it.

OK well, here are all five for you,
Greg.

Unfortunately... Yeah?
..even though I'm worried about her,

I'm going to give Victoria
one point.

One point, well done, Victoria.
I know. I'm grateful for that.

I'm going to give Morgana
two points, and it's basically

because Desiree really bullshitted
her way to three points.

Yes!

So, it's between Guz and Alan,
then, for the five points.

Yeah, and that is tough, because...

..Alan really did check in
with my soul. Yeah.

But I guess Guz just knows me.

LAUGHTER

Five points to Guz Khan. Correct.

Congratulations, Guz!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I think we should have another task,
you messy little boy.

I think we should, too,
and this one involves me

running my very own shop.

Ooh!

"Pop the balloon."

What balloon?

Ah.

MORGANA: "You must stay behind
the rope at all times."

This...ah, this rope here.

"You must not move the rope.

"You may buy the tools
you need with time."

That's Shakespearian.

"You may buy the tools
you need with time."

It is Shakespeare you're right.

"Fastest wins."

My time starts when Alex
"has shown me his tool shop."

Awesome, OK.

Hello, Alan. Hello.

This is my tool shop. Nice.

I can offer you a slingshot and a
bucket of stones for one minute.

OK. The pebbles cost you
one minute, 30 per pebble.

SHE LAUGHS

You OK? Yes! OK.

I just...
I'm getting the concept, yeah, OK.

Two minutes per fork,
or the darts are two minutes, 30...

Two minutes, 30, of course.
..per dart.

The rubber ducks are free, Alan.

We've also got these nice
portcullis scissors,

and that costs you eight minutes.

And, with them, you snip the string
behind you and see what happens.

But that's the only time you're
allowed to touch the string.

But this will take eight minutes
off the time? Eight minutes, yes.

Then, brother, this is not sensible.

THEY LAUGH

Alex, yes.

I'm very excited to see your
pop shop in action.

I really loved this one.

We're going to start with
Mor-Guz-Khan-a.

Morgana and Guz.

Hello, sir, what would you like?

OK...can I have some darts, please?

I'm just going to have some darts,
please. How many would you like?

Can I have two? Two darts.

So, that will cost you five minutes.

One dart is two minutes
and 30 seconds?

Would you like one dart?

This is a rip-off, this shop!

That was...
oh, it's gone in the concrete.

It's trashed concrete.
Are we going to get it repaired?

Yeah, I'll have that repaired.

Can I try one more dart? Yes.

Oh!

Oh, hello. I'll take the lot.

Oh, so close.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to have another...dart.

Can you explain to me
how the slingshot works?

If you're using the slingshot,
we both have to wear goggles.

Can I touch one of those ducks?

The ducks are free.
The ducks are free?

What sort of shop is this?

SHE GIGGLES
That's quite aggressive.

Welcome back.

AUDIENCE OOHS

That deserved to pop!

There is a imbalance in
the poppability of the balloon.

You're good at that.

Can I have a refund? No.

That'll be seven minutes, 30,
please.

I'll have a duck. Ducks are free.
Oh, here's a duck.

SHE EXHALES

Ooh, missed by a bee's dick!

Pardon?

Hm. You're already doubting me
with that tone.

You don't even have to say a word.
OK.

Feels like being at school again.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Can I have the scissors, please?

That'll be eight minutes.

I've stopped the clock.

Brother, there's a word -
I've never used it before in life.

It's called hindsight.

Why have you never used
the word "hindsight" before?

Just not in my...

It's amazing that you're asking him
to look back on that.

ALAN: Yeah, look back on that!

It's beautiful. Irony, mate.

Shall I tell you some times, Greg?
Oh, here we go.

Guz, eight minutes without
the time penalties.

It was a total of 36 minutes, 58.

You could've listened to
the theme tune to the

Last of the Summer Wine 53 times.

Morgana, 84 Last of the Summer Wine
theme tunes. Oh.

That's 56 minutes altogether,
cos there were 13 darts,

four pebbles, scissors,
and actual time, as well.

Lovely. Would you like to see
Queen Victoria II all by herself?

Yes, please! Here she is.

Er, I'll have a dart, please.

OK, a dart will cost you
two minutes, 30.

Thank you, madam. Thank you.

I'll have another dart, please.

Welcome back. Yeah, that'll
cost you two minutes 30.

Oh! Hello.

How can I help you?
I'll have a dart, please. A dart.

You...
SHE SHOUTS GIBBERISH

Hello, again. Go on, give me a duck.
I just want to...just a duck.

The ducks are free.

I mean, this is...
why would it do it?

but I can't even hit the thing.

Duck, duck, duck,
I'll have three ducks, please.

'Course. Any particular ducks?
I don't mind. A duck.

I'm using the ducks
to practise aiming.

OK, I'll have a dart, please.
Hello, there, a dart.

That'll cost you two minutes, 30.
Lovely.

Oh!

I've already used more
than eight minutes, haven't I?

Quite a lot more. I think
the move might be to just take

the scissors in the first place.

Ah! OK.

Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, I've stopped the clock.
That's so satisfying!

That was so worth it!

I don't care if it'd taken
three days, that was so worth it.

Nh! Splah! Tsh!

Ah!

APPLAUSE

That was really good.
That was proper.

That was very impressive. Thank you.
Lovely. Now we're cooking.

You enjoyed that one, right?
I did enjoy it.

You didn't bank on Victoria using
ducks to practise her aim, did you?

I did not.
It was a nine-dart finish.

25 minutes, 30 was her total time.

Which puts Victoria in the lead.
By miles!

GREG WHISTLES
By miles.

Oh, well, that's nice.

OK, you want adverts?
You've got them. Don't go anywhere.

Even if you need the toilet.
I want to see commitment.

It'll come out with hot water
and elbow grease.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to
the final part of the show.

Weren't people trying to pop
a balloon before the break, Alex?

Yes, my side project is
a pop-up pop shop.

I sell all sorts of things
which might be useful

for popping balloons.

And the currency I deal in is time.

Two of our five resorted to the
portcullis releasing scissors.

One succeeded with a dart.

Last up, it's Alan D and Dessy B!

Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to, I...

I'm not confident I can hit that
with a dart first time.

There is a slingshot.

I would love to purchase one.

Right. That'll cost you one minute.

I'm quite tempted by the scissors,
and that'll make it drop on it.

Yeah, I think that's the
one I want to do.

You'd like some scissors? Yeah.

OK, this'll cost you eight minutes.
OK, thanks. There we go.

Down...

Oh, eat it.

OK, you know what?

Erm..I'm going to go ahead
and buy some scissors.

Oh, you're going to
buy the scissors.

SHE GROANS

Oh, OK, you know what? Erm...

You know what? I think
I'm going to come for some ducks.

Oh, right.

Hi, there. How can I help you?

I would like to purchase
those three darts.

Three darts? Yeah.

No.

God, no!

Ding dong, hi.

Let's go ahead and buy three forks.

Why not? Six minutes.

SHE LAUGHS

No! Hello, there.

I think I'd like to get
another slingshot.

Another slingshot, OK.

What is wrong with your rocks?!

You keep hitting it with the stones.

Now this is getting ridiculous.
Yeah.

Ding dong! Oh, hello, madam.

I would love to get
another set of darts.

No. Maybe.

Definitely not.

Hi, there. Ding dong.

One fork and six ducks.

Argh!

Ding dong. I think I would love
to get some forks.

Well, I've got a bucket
of forks here.

How much is the bucket?

That'll cost you an hour.

It's an hour well spent. OK.
Sir, you've got yourself a deal.

Enjoy your forks.
Thank you so much.

Ooh. Ooh!

I don't even know
how to throw forks!

Yeah!

SLOWED-DOWN: Yeah!

SHE SCREAMS

Hello, madam.

DEFLATED: Ding dong, sir.

How can I help you? You know what?
Can I get some scissors?

Some scissors.
Yes, we've got one pair left.

They cost eight minutes.

In your own time, Alan. OK.

Righto.

I've stopped the clock.
That was very enjoyable.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Well, that would've been great
if I could've aimed the scissors.

Are you kidding me?!

What the fuck was that?!

I've stopped the clock.

Does the clock still have
time inside of it?

It's nearly run out.
Thank you, Desiree.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Come on.

DESIREE LAUGHS

Right, well, before we get
to the main course,

let's deal with the starter, er...

What happened there, Alan?

Have a snack
you wanted to go and eat?

There's no way I'm going to hit
that balloon from here.

That's what I thought.
Very efficient. Eight minutes.

A minute thinking, so a minute plus
eight - nine minutes for Alan.

Good. So, he is the winner of
the task, five points.

Well done, Alan. Now...

OK, look. For the record,
when I got out there,

my head went, "Get the scissors,
it's worth the time."

But I was like, "That is not
the game, that is not the show."

That's boring, and I was like...
That's what I thought.

Like Alan did? Yeah!
If I just win it, that's boring.

LAUGHTER

Well, whatever that attempt was,
it wasn't boring.

And it looked like we'd set up
that portcullis not to work,

but it was genuine, wasn't it?

The portcullis was meant to work,
but it had lost...

The will to live.
LAUGHTER

That's a fair point!
And listen, I'm going to call it -

in 12 series, that's the worst
attempt we've ever seen at any task.

Thank you!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The time? It's an entire series
of Last of the Summer Wine,

two hours, 57 minutes. Wow.

So, Desiree gets just the one point.

Morgana, 2, Guz, 3, Victoria, 4,
and Alan Davies, 5 points!

There you go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's not always about being
entertaining, is it?

Quick look at the scores, then?

Yes, it's a close one.

All five of them could win
with one task to go,

but Alan is in the lead at
the moment with 14 points!

Wow.
APPLAUSE

Here we go.

All right, then, everyone,
please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Hello. Hello, Greg.
Hello, everyone.

Who will you be choosing to read out
the task, young fellow my lad?

Victoria.

"Write down a cool hobby,
a fun animal, and a famous person.

"You have 30 seconds."

And those 30 seconds start...

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'll repeat them
for anyone struggling.

It's a cool hobby. Ooh.

It's a fun animal. Lovely.

And it's a famous person.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thanks, guys.

How are you getting on with
the picking up? Not great.

I hurt my back a little bit. Oh.

My God.

THEY LAUGH

Greg, I've got news.

There's a second part to the task.

Oh, what, you trickster! Oh.

"Strike a pose to represent first,
your cool hobby,

"then your fun animal,

"then your famous person.

"You will have ten seconds
to strike a pose.

"and must then hold the pose
until the end of the round.

"The Taskmaster will attempt
to guess what each pose represents.

"You may not make a noise
or movement when posed."

And, just so you know,
I am notoriously bad at these games.

Please strike a pose to represent
your cool hobby.

BLOWS WHISTLE

GUZ: God.

Oh, my God.
BLOWS WHISTLE

OK, what do you think Alan's doing?

I think Alan is...making...a model.

I can't give you that.

He's doing surf-gami.

It's surfing with origami!

Surf-gami. OK.

No points for Alan so far.

What do you think Desiree is doing?

I think Desiree is in
a cool bowling alley.

Yes!

MORGANA: Yeah, baby! Correct.

VICTORIA: Yay.

What cool hobby is Guz Khan
pretending to do? Oh...

I was going to say trampolining, and
that's a mid-air trampolining pose.

Ooh. It's not right.

It's a bobsleigh ting.

Oh, 'course it's a bobsleigh ting.

OK, it's Morgana's turn now.

She is currently representing
a cool hobby.

Table tennis? Correct!

Nice. Wow.

Finally, Victoria Coren Mitchell.

OK, I think she's on the wall
of death on a motorbike.

No, I don't.
LAUGHTER

She's kayaking.

She's doing ice sculpture, Greg.

Oh, of course it was ice sculpture!
It's a cool joke. "Cool."

Cool. It was a literal cool thing.

OK. Please pose as your fun animal.

You have ten seconds. Animal!

Starting...

WHISTLE BLOWS

GREG LAUGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Alan is one funky orangutan.

Well, unfortunately not.

He's gone for a zebr-onkey.

Oh! A zebr-onkey is a cross between
a monkey and zebra, or a donkey?

It's half zebra, half monkey.
OK, we move on to Desiree Burch.

It just might be
a really fun rabbit.

Ooh! It's the rabbit's cousin,
the hamster.

That famous hamster pose.
DESIREE LAUGHS

Now, then.
Guz has used his clothing.

What animal is that?

I think that is a
duck-billed platypus.

It's an aardvark. Oh.

The beak of the aardvark
quacking away there.

What animal, is she?
She's a fun...puppy?

But I'd like to know
what breed you think she is?

Oh, she's a fun little Labrador.

Oh! She's a sausage puppy.

Oh, yeah... Look how long I am!
Yeah, you're long, you are long.

Is it half a point for puppy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what do you think Victoria
Coren Mitchell is representing?

It's gotta be a lovely, fun cat.
It's more fun than a cat.

It's an otter.

Oh, they are fun, as well.

So fun! Oh...

You've got ten seconds to pose
as your famous person. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, so they've all posed.

Good luck with this, Greg.

Well, he's an artist of some kind.

Which one? He's Salvador Dali.

He's Tony Hart, and...
Of course he's Tony Hart!

All right, move on to Desiree Burch.

It's a film star.

Which film star?
It's Macaulay Culkin.

Ooh, it's Will Smith! Oh! So close!

Now, then, Guz Khan.

My initial feeling is it's
Huw Edwards, the news presenter,

but...give me a minute.

LAUGHTER It's a big JC, isn't it?

It is a big JC.
It's Jesus Christ himself. Oh, wow.

It is, without question, Madonna.

Morgana is a different pop star.

She's Cheryl Cole.

I was thinking Vogue.
No, for fuck's sake.

LAUGHTER It is Cheryl Cole! I know.

And, finally, Victoria.

What can it be,
with two hands out like that,

and no tangible expression?

Well, I mean,
that's pretty accurate.

It's... Neville Chamberlain.

Ooh. Actually, not that far off.

It's John Craven.

Hey! Well done, everyone.

Come back down here, and we'll add
all that to the final scores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, here we are. Ooh.

That was exciting, wasn't it?

It was lovely to have John Craven
and Jesus on the show.

And you did some good guessing -
you got one of Desiree's right,

you got one of Guz's right. I did.

But one-and-a-half of Morgana's.
DESIREE: Hey.

So, she takes the full five points.

Well done, Morgana.
Well done, Morgana.

How does that work?

There's also one point each to
Victoria and Alan for coming last,

and three points each for
Guz and Desiree.

There you go.

Something for nothing. Well done.

Which means, the final scoreboard -

it's been a tight opening episode,
Greg. I'm very excited.

I genuinely don't know who's won.

The winner, with 17 points...

..is Morgana Robinson!
There it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Morgana Robinson wins.

Please go and have a celebratory
sit on your prizes! Whoo!

Thank you.

So, what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that life is
a continuous struggle,

but if you apply yourself,
you can learn new skills,

make new friends
and do great things.

We've also learned you should never
borrow Alan Davies' toothbrush.

See you for the second instalment
but for now, our first winner

is Morgana Robinson!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media