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1
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:10,551
Ooh!
Sorry, me.
2
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:25,524
I'm home!
Yeah, that works.
3
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,361
Sorry, sewing machine,
You're out.
4
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,404
Sonia,
It's your lucky day.
5
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,822
You broke
Your sewing machine.
6
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,366
I remembered this
Because you spent
7
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,159
A whole session
Talking about it,
8
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,203
And it seemed
So inconsequential
9
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,288
I wanted to drive chopsticks
Through my ears.
10
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:40,414
You listened.
11
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,666
I needed to make some room.
12
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,543
This was janie's,
I don't sew, it's yours.
13
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,504
- yay!
- not so fast.
14
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:47,672
Not so fast?
15
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:51,092
With this machine,
You sew very fast.
16
00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,551
Yeah.
No, what I mean is,
17
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,303
It's a really big deal
To start
18
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,097
Giving janie's possessions
Away.
19
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,306
Now it's certainly part
Of moving on,
20
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,433
But you want to be
Emotionally prepared.
21
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,644
Okay, one second.
22
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,271
Yeah,
I'm emotionally prepared.
23
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,898
And, there are
No memories attached?
24
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,108
Memories of what?
25
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,401
Janie being
A terrible sewer?
26
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,319
You should see the shirt
She tried to make me.
27
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,487
She made you
A shirt?
28
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:12,613
All: aww.
29
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,198
Nope.
Not doing that,
30
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:15,616
Not the point
Of the story.
31
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:16,659
What's the crown?
32
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,245
Oh, that was
A janie thing.
33
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,456
I begged her to take my name,
So "Janie king,"
34
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,542
Which she thought was silly,
But she leaned into it.
35
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,419
So, the crown
And the initials.
36
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,670
All:
Aww.
37
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:30,172
What is wrong
With you people?
38
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,465
How do you
Go see a pixar movie?
39
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,592
You must be shrieking
The entire time.
40
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,177
It was just practical.
41
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,387
I just needed the space.
42
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:39,432
- for what?
- a cardboard, life-sized me.
43
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,226
Dude, I defend you
When you're not here.
44
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,603
Make it easier.
- ryan...
45
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,606
We're here to be honest
With our feelings,
46
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:48,607
Not suppress them.
47
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,443
Now your wife loved you
So much
48
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,362
That she sewed you a shirt
To clothe your body.
49
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:57,366
And you gave
That precious machine away.
50
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,534
We have tissues.
51
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,662
And a safe space.
52
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:05,458
Lauren and I
Pledge allegiance to the flag--
53
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,418
How did he not cry?
54
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,503
I always cry when I get
The heart hand.
55
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,464
Yeah, yeah.
When lauren goes for the cry,
56
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,383
She gets her cry.
- I don't "Go for the cry."
57
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,761
- what?
- of course you do.
58
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,429
It's a gift.
59
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,514
You sense someone's wounded,
Then you circle them
60
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,309
With a bunch of
"How does that make you feels,"
61
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,561
And then you pounce,
Like an emotional cheetah.
62
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,646
I'm just
Not your average "Wildabeest."
63
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,649
"Wilderbeest?"
Wildebeest.
64
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,194
Crying is not something
I can do to you.
65
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,653
Do I think that crying
Can be cathartic?
66
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,197
Yes.
67
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:38,240
Do I wish to foster
An environment in which
68
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:39,658
Everyone feels comfortable
Letting go--
69
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,661
Oh, why?
70
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:46,999
Oh, god. Why?
71
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,293
The emotional cheetah,
72
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,379
Jaws bloody
From her fresh kill,
73
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,756
Disappears
Into the african night.
74
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:56,550
No!
75
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,305
Carrie! Carrie!
76
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,723
Any word
From jeremy roenick?
77
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,476
Is he gonna let me play?
- oh, uh, you know,
78
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,727
I didn't get a chance
To call him yet.
79
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,521
Did you hear the news?
80
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,772
A spot opened up
In jeremy roenick's
81
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,440
Pickup hockey game.
82
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,317
I've been trying to get
In that game for five years.
83
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,319
Nhl-ers, celebs,
84
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,570
Guys named "Guy,"
But it's pronounced "Ghee."
85
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,572
Carrie's gonna get me in.
86
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,408
So do it, you know.
Call now.
87
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,535
Because the talent
Needs to be happy.
88
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,661
I don't wanna have to go
All diva on you.
89
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,496
I'm the talent,
I'm the talent.
90
00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:27,623
Yeah, you are, brother.
91
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:28,999
You already called,
Didn't you?
92
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,584
- yeah.
- roenick hates ryan.
93
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,378
- yeah.
- most athletes do.
94
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,255
You'd think there'd be
No downside
95
00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,339
To constantly
Insulting people
96
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,841
On the air.
- hmm.
97
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:39,427
So nothing worked
On roenick, huh?
98
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,303
Not even
The dead wife card?
99
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,305
- the what?
- oh--ha!
100
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:44,640
I forget.
You're young and pretty,
101
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,475
People just give you things.
102
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,519
Let me show you
How the rest of us behave.
103
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:51,730
Roenick!
104
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,567
Whassup, beantown?
105
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,860
'cause you're from boston,
Bro.
106
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,028
Anyway,
It's steven down at k-bal.
107
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:01,490
I heard ryan king was sniffing
Around your game.
108
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,743
I know!
Man's a jerk.
109
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,495
Yeah, hey,
I was driving him home
110
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,747
From his wife's funeral--
111
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,624
That's a fishing rod.
- yeah, got it.
112
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,752
I suppose it is sad.
113
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:18,382
What's that?
No, no, he's not doing well.
114
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,550
But, listen,
The important thing is,
115
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:22,344
You've got a game,
And he bugs you.
116
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,055
Yeah.
117
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:28,517
Well, I guess that would be
The human thing to do.
118
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,687
I'm the talent,
I'm the talent.
119
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,442
Sorry I'm late, guys.
120
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:39,528
Had to pick up hockey gear
For my game with jeremy roenick.
121
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:42,490
Gonna play hockey
With jeremy roenick.
122
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,782
He's a former nhl player.
123
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,659
All: aww.
124
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,786
Yeah, that sound
Doesn't work for everything.
125
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,663
Sit down,
We're making collages.
126
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,790
- really?
- really.
127
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,334
It's a way
To express yourself
128
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:55,419
Using images
Instead of words.
129
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,630
This side represents
Our past.
130
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,089
Memories that, at times,
131
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,591
People may avoid
Getting in touch with.
132
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:03,552
Like, people who carelessly
Give away sewing machines?
133
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,471
All people.
134
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,140
This side represents
What we want for our future.
135
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,351
Now, I don't like to bring
My personal life into the group,
136
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,144
So I made my collage
137
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,480
For katniss everdeen
From the hunger games.
138
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,398
Oh, lauren,
139
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,526
Just when I thought
You couldn't get me any more.
140
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:19,818
Wow.
- katniss is stoic.
141
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,446
She suffered a great loss
In her past.
142
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,697
Is this happening,
What I'm seeing right now?
143
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:24,782
Is this
Actually happening?
144
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,784
On this side, we have
A bow and arrow
145
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,787
She made for herself
From the woods beyond the fence,
146
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:33,123
A meager loaf of bread,
And flames.
147
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,500
What does she want
For her future?
148
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,626
A baby...
- aww.
149
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,628
A canopy bed,
And goats.
150
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,381
Ryan, look at my collage.
151
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,590
I see you.
152
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:42,925
Oh, god--
153
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,134
K, knock it off.
154
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,344
So, group,
155
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,137
A good friend of mine
Is getting married.
156
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,681
But I don't know
If I can face it.
157
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,392
I haven't been to a wedding
Since patty died.
158
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,477
- you should go.
- yes.
159
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,646
Maybe you will meet someone new
Like mr. Patty.
160
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:58,566
Get the penis, and everything
Will be good again.
161
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,943
That's not really
The endgame, sweetie.
162
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,196
Ugh, it's just
So complicated.
163
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,489
Yeah, I know.
164
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,615
I've blown off
Three weddings myself.
165
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:07,950
It's the whole
"Plus one" thing, right?
166
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,618
- yes.
- yeah, because
167
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,412
We're minus one.
It's horrible.
168
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,747
Yes. Wow, king--
Same page.
169
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,000
Ooh, yeah,
Look at her.
170
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:19,420
You can have this back
After group.
171
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,630
How much
Do you want to go?
172
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,840
A lot.
173
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,633
She's really
One of my best friends.
174
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,885
I know I'll regret it
If I don't.
175
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,887
But to face it alone?
176
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,182
No, you don't have
To go alone.
177
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:35,477
I'll be
Your plus one.
178
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,438
Now.
179
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,773
All: aww.
- yeah, all right, fine.
180
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,900
That is
A very sweet gesture,
181
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,902
But on the other hand
You can be quite grating.
182
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,529
I think it would be
Really nice
183
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:48,532
For you two
To experience that together.
184
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,617
All right,
185
00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,577
Just let me
Think about it.
186
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,703
Don't think about it
Too long,
187
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,787
Or she'll go in
For the cry.
188
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:54,830
I'm in.
189
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,833
And cry denied.
190
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,633
Michael vartan.
This is a celebrity game.
191
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,926
Wasn't alias big,
Like, ten years ago?
192
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:11,889
Wasn't radio big,
Like, 100 years ago?
193
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,932
Yo, roenick!
194
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:16,852
Come on, ryan!
195
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,938
It's all you,
It's all you!
196
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,486
Go easy, man,
His wife died.
197
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,822
Doin' it! Yeah!
198
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,574
That's it,
That's it.
199
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,288
I am having the best game
Of my life.
200
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,831
I really think I'm starting
To get in their heads.
201
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,583
- you're a beast!
- yeah, I am!
202
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,628
A severely delusional
Beast.
203
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,837
Is he really buying
All this?
204
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,964
It's part of the wonder
That is ryan.
205
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,635
He's not looking for clues
That he's not awesome.
206
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:52,971
What are you guys
Talking about, how great I am?
207
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:56,642
Mm-hmm!
208
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,310
Whose puck?
209
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,979
My puck!
210
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,607
No one's better, baby!
211
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,568
No one!
212
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,743
Goooooooooal!
213
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,912
Are you okay?
- yeah!
214
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,998
I just lost
A contact lens.
215
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,917
Hey, is--
Is he all right?
216
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,711
Not in here.
217
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:24,920
But this,
What you're doing,
218
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,338
It helps.
219
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,842
Yo, roenick!
Get back on d, princess!
220
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,724
Do you think those glasses
Make you look smarter?
221
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,975
No, I think
They help me see.
222
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,727
Because they don't make you
Look smarter.
223
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,311
That's right,
Get it all out of the way now.
224
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,896
You're about to be very happy
That I'm here.
225
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,773
I may be a little rusty,
But I know
226
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,108
How to show a lady
A good time.
227
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,068
I'll get you drinks,
I'll hold your purse,
228
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,570
You will want for nothing.
229
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:50,904
Oh--
And one more thing.
230
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,323
I haven't said this
To you because...
231
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,827
You scare me, but...
232
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,787
You look beautiful.
233
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:00,789
All right, king.
234
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:01,915
You're on the board.
235
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,333
I'm on the board.
236
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,877
You know what
I'm just realizing?
237
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,879
This wedding is
A lesbian wedding.
238
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,047
You know what's amazing about
This country at this moment?
239
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:11,050
It's a seamless tapestry.
240
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,051
A continuum of love
And orientations--
241
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,386
Stop trying so hard.
242
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,596
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
243
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,638
Excuse me.
244
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,098
Monday's show was amazing.
245
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,059
Oh, hey, thanks.
246
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,977
Seems like a smart crowd.
247
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,646
Mm.
248
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:29,026
Uh, are you seeing
What I'm seeing, woman-wise?
249
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,778
There's a girl over there
Who's checking one of us out,
250
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,696
And, if the demographic
Holds up,
251
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,406
She ain't lookin' at me.
- sparkly top?
252
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,824
Ever since we got here.
253
00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,409
Well, maybe you should
Go talk to her.
254
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,870
Maybe you should
Suck on a [bleep].
255
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,205
You know, I had
Laker tickets tonight.
256
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,373
Just go over there.
257
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,750
You don't have to marry her
Or anything.
258
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,084
Uh--if you did, though,
It wouldn't be noteworthy--
259
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,921
- stop.
- all right.
260
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,088
Wait a minute.
261
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,965
If you knew
That she was looking at you,
262
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,759
Then you must've been
Looking at her.
263
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,385
Which means you two
Were looking at each other!
264
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,762
It means no such thing.
265
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:57,930
All right, fine,
I'll drop it.
266
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,973
It's your life.
I'm gonna go get a drink
267
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,726
And try to find anyone
Who's making out with anyone.
268
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,978
Oh, my god.
269
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,772
Okay, I spoke to the lady
In the sparkly top.
270
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:07,856
Oh, king.
271
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,733
She is very cool,
272
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,736
Her name is sasha.
She's a professor at ucla.
273
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,947
Single mom.
She's got two kids.
274
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,449
Wait, she's got kids?
I've got kids.
275
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,869
We get together, we all
Move into a split-level ranch,
276
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,246
Hire a wisecrackin' maid,
277
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,872
It's the lady bunch.
278
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,875
Okay, first of all,
I would totally watch that show.
279
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,211
No! I don't want that.
I'm not ready.
280
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,004
That's not what this night is.
281
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,673
Well, that's what
It's become.
282
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,757
This is what happens
On nights with me.
283
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,801
Things get great!
- hi.
284
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,971
I'm sasha.
You must be anne.
285
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,807
Okay.
286
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,860
Excuse me.
287
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,695
I just want
To say thanks.
288
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:55,988
I love your take
On everything.
289
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:59,157
You're bold and funny
And smoking hot.
290
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,492
It's because
Of journalists like you
291
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:04,162
That weddings like this
Are happening.
292
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:07,667
Do you think
I'm rachel maddow?
293
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,882
Back on the ice tomorrow,
I'm gonna start a fight.
294
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,967
I think I can take
A couple of these guys.
295
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:19,928
Yeah, or...You could not
Piss off the angry giants.
296
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,013
Doesn't sound
Like something I would do.
297
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,808
Oh! Sorry!
298
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,184
Why do you hit harder
Than jeremy roenick?
299
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,895
Uh--
300
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:31,023
Because she's got those big,
Midwestern cow-tipping thighs.
301
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,232
Whole lotta
Down-there strength.
302
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,942
Am I right, carrie?
303
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,153
So I was coming to tell you
That lauren called,
304
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,946
And she wanted to know
If you were okay.
305
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,199
Ugh. I gave away
A stupid sewing machine.
306
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,534
You know what?
Just to show her
307
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,037
How great I am,
Call her, and invite her
308
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,164
And the rest of the weirdos
To the next game.
309
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,082
The problem with john
From reseda is
310
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,251
He's too young to remember
Jack nicklaus.
311
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,921
The golden bear,
The ol' buckeye.
312
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,881
Sonia, it's beautiful.
313
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,299
I loved
Making this collage.
314
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,968
I cried.
315
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,219
I wanted you to see it
Right away, so I decided to use
316
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,763
One of those
Photo-sharing sites.
317
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:05,307
It was easier
Than I thought.
318
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:06,850
They walk you
Through the tough parts,
319
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,352
Just like you.
320
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:11,063
Sonia, do you mind
If I send this link to ryan?
321
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,981
I think it might
Really inspire him.
322
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,193
- yes, you can.
- thank you.
323
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,779
Jack nicklaus in his prime?
324
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,239
No one got the ball higher.
325
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,240
I mean,
Jack nicklaus was
326
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,078
Every bit the golfer
As tiger w--
327
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:30,874
Tiger woo--
328
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,542
What's happening?
329
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,586
Oh, god--
Is he crying?
330
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,879
Jam him!
331
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,297
Dump him!
332
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,257
De-volume him!
333
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,968
I'm sorry, fans.
I'm just gonna need a minute.
334
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:44,013
Dude.
335
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,936
Lauren?
336
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,270
We'll be back
337
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,356
After this message
From a hotel,
338
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,191
Where a businessman
Has to spend the night
339
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:57,943
Away from his family.
340
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,569
I always get the cry.
341
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,114
Don't play that one.
342
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:07,119
Hey, everybody.
Heard any good radio lately?
343
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,912
No. We heard
Your show, though.
344
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,082
There it is,
Amateurs making zingers.
345
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,083
That's what I've been
Dealing with
346
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,292
For the last 24 hours.
347
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,877
You know what
They're calling me?
348
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,963
"Cryin' king."
349
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,840
Congratulations, lauren,
You got your cry.
350
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,050
It was not my intention
To make you cry at work.
351
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,594
Oh, really? Where was it
Your intention to make me cry?
352
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,596
Did you want me to cry
On the way over here,
353
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,890
When I saw a bus bench ad
For the boys club?
354
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:29,975
'cause I did.
355
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,309
You want me to cry
When I saw a hat
356
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,854
Fly off of an old man's head?
'cause I did.
357
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:34,938
Baby bird alone?
358
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,898
Bicycle with a flat tire?
359
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,942
Closed-down restaurant?
Did, did, did.
360
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:41,945
Oh, "Cryin'" king!
361
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,322
No. I am not gonna be amused
By your weirdness right now.
362
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,241
Lauren, you were right.
363
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,869
I should not have given away
The sewing machine.
364
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,955
But I did, and now I can't stop
Thinking about it.
365
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,040
Do you want me
To give it back?
366
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,293
You would do that
For me?
367
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,462
What have you
Done to me, woman?
368
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,964
I was doing great.
I was killing it at work,
369
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,174
I'm skating
In roenick's game,
370
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,341
And then you broke me,
So fix me.
371
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,926
You broke me,
So fix me. Fix me.
372
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,679
I can't fix you,
Because you're not broken.
373
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,973
Okay, ryan,
Just slow down
374
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,100
And allow yourself
To feel those feelings.
375
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,144
Maybe this will help.
376
00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,354
- ugh.
- just do it, dude, okay?
377
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,981
You put a stormy ocean
On one side
378
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,232
And a rainbow on the other,
And you're done.
379
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,985
Okay, it's official,
I've got a stalker.
380
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,236
A lot of people use
The dumpster
381
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,946
Behind your building.
Don't flatter yourself.
382
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,323
What?
No.
383
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,241
It's that sasha maniac.
384
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,368
She wants to meet me
For a drink.
385
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,245
She thinks
I'm fun and delightful!
386
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,915
- she sounds like a maniac.
- hmph.
387
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,958
If you don't want
To meet her, blow her off.
388
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,335
Say something nice, like,
389
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:39,419
"You bore me, danny,"
Or "I don't have to tell you
390
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,921
Where I go at night, danny."
391
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:44,007
I was going
To blow her off, but--
392
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,383
But?
393
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,969
I didn't hate
Meeting her.
394
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,221
If it were a different time
In my life--
395
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,265
Ugh! Other people's problems
Are so easy.
396
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,267
You want
To keep your options open,
397
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,393
Choose a neutral place.
398
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,229
No drink.
Fruit smoothies.
399
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,481
Nothing says "Keep it light"
Like a fruit smoothie.
400
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:02,067
Also, pick a time
That says,
401
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,235
"This is something
That I'm doing
402
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,987
On my way to doing
Something else."
403
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:09,282
I'm talking about
Your 11:20s, your 3:45s.
404
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:14,287
Anything 45 implies a logical,
Sexless end in 15 minutes.
405
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,039
- hmm.
- this mr. Sasha,
406
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,291
He is handsome?
407
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,543
Okay.
408
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:22,170
Soy lesbiana.
409
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,547
I looked it up,
Just for this.
410
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,011
No, no, no,
Wrong word, "Lesbiana."
411
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,556
One day, I tell you
What this mean.
412
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,435
I feel like she's trying
To not understand.
413
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,404
All right, handsome.
Let's do this.
414
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,426
Why are you taller
Than I am?
415
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,025
Thank you.
416
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,360
She tried to kiss me.
417
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,486
- what?
- yeah.
418
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,113
Right outside
The jamba juice.
419
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,698
That lesbiana
Tried to kiss me.
420
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,158
Come on in,
Anne--
421
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,202
We talked,
We went for a walk,
422
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:38,079
We said good-bye,
Went to our car, and bam!
423
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,706
After a 3:45?
424
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,499
What are you,
Really sexy or something?
425
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,419
- yeah!
- well, what'd you do?
426
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,545
I dodged it.
427
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:47,672
I freaked out.
I ran?
428
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,133
Agh. I feel bad,
I feel like I pushed you.
429
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,218
Oh, stop it, king,
430
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,428
I don't actually
Listen to you that much.
431
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,764
I went because I wanted to go.
432
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,140
I knew I wasn't ready,
433
00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,185
But I had no idea
How not ready I was.
434
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,687
One kiss!
And I lose it.
435
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,147
Aw, it's early,
You know--
436
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,817
Oh, I can't picture
Ever being ready.
437
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,527
I feel so stuck!
438
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,196
Ugh, tell me about it.
439
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:14,824
I lost it just looking at
A picture of a sewing machine.
440
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,205
We can't do anything.
441
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:21,706
Yeah, I used to be able to do
All kinds of stuff.
442
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,625
You didn't know me
When I could do stuff.
443
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,710
That guy?
He could do stuff.
444
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,213
He didn't know better,
That smile, that swagger.
445
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,548
He could look at 14 pictures
Of a sewing machine,
446
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:31,633
And go around
Kissing anyone.
447
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,260
I so want to move forward.
448
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,512
I want to leap forward.
449
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:38,182
Are you thinking
What I'm thinking?
450
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,560
Nope, that's not
What I was thinking.
451
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,104
Ahh!
452
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,855
That's the first kiss
Out of the way!
453
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,858
That's a milestone, man,
That's progress!
454
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,860
I feel violated.
You just took me.
455
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,654
I've never been taken before.
456
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:55,448
God, that stubble
Feels so weird.
457
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,242
Heh.
458
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,410
And, king?
459
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,747
I like you better
Than I like this guy.
460
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,253
I was pretending the sewing
Machine didn't matter,
461
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,379
But it did.
462
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,214
That's why I went on the air
And cried
463
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,757
Like I'd just won
Best actress.
464
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,884
Yeah, we got
A lot of emails about that.
465
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,262
Any of them
Supportive?
466
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,596
Not many.
467
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,516
Your target audience is dicks,
18 to 34.
468
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,226
Well, to avoid
Any further outbursts,
469
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,602
I now embrace the truth.
470
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,522
Ryan king is living a life
Of radical honesty.
471
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,275
Give 'em hell, ryan.
472
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,901
Hell?
After the hurt I put
473
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,945
On these guys, hell would be
Like a vacation.
474
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,489
- whoo-hoo!
- yeah.
475
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:39,909
Ryan, how much
Do you value honesty?
476
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:43,288
The guys are looking
Awful good out there.
477
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:46,750
Really good.
478
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:47,917
They're letting me win,
Aren't they?
479
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,669
You played the--
- I played it.
480
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,254
- and the hat trick was...
- a pity hat trick.
481
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,798
Yup.
482
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,925
Real quick, you guys.
483
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:57,344
I have just learned
484
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,845
That you've all been taking it
Easy on me.
485
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,306
So stop it.
I am on a journey.
486
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,308
A journey towards honesty.
487
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,311
So whatever you and life
Have in store for me,
488
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,189
I am ready to face it
And to feel it.
489
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,315
Bring it on.
490
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,569
What's he saying?
491
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,196
I think he says
We can hit him.
492
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,530
Oh, I like that.
493
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,538
Oh!
494
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:30,668
It's good.
It feels like the truth.
495
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,254
Oh!
496
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,801
Dude, you're on my team.
497
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:39,844
All: ryan! Ryan!
498
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,971
Ryan!
Ryan!
499
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:45,016
Ryan! Ryan!
- hit him harder.
500
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,267
He wants to feel it.
501
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,269
Feeling it fine.
Plenty hard.
502
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,605
Thank you.
503
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:54,692
Look what you did.
504
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,948
I've never been
In so much pain
505
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,282
In my entire life.
506
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,034
Can we just go back to the way
Things used to be?
507
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,370
You get up, I'm gonna knock
You right back down again.
508
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,331
It's cold down here.
509
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:12,336
Smile. Let's get a picture
Of your journey.
510
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:19,968
Note the emotional depth
And the impeccable glue work.
511
00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:22,971
You know what,
It feels great.
512
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,265
I can feel myself
Getting healthier,
513
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:26,808
And I owe it all
To this lady.
514
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:28,726
All: aww.
515
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,981
Oh, no,
Don't get teary.
516
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:35,900
Although I'm not gonna lie.
It feels good to get the cry.
517
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,904
I know, right?
All: aww.
518
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,079
You know,
I gotta tell you,
519
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,039
You're starting
To hold your own out there.
520
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,124
You're a tough guy.
521
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,001
Oh, thanks.
You're a tough guy too.
522
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:54,419
I don't need you
To tell me that.
523
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,422
Right.
524
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,757
Hey, figure skaters,
The ice is yours.
525
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,885
I hope we didn't chuck it up
Too much with our toughness.
526
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:05,346
Oh, my god, she's smart,
She's beautiful,
527
00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:06,931
She plays hockey.
528
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,934
I'm not rachel maddow.
529
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,436
You do look
Like her, though.
530
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,856
Yeah, I know.
37331
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