All language subtitles for Vegas.Baby.2006.1080p.WEBRip.x-[YTS.BZ]

Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

[gavel pounding]

(man)
THESE ARE THE BACHELOR PARTY
10 COMMANDMENTS.

[man speaking]

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

[man groaning]

[woman moaning]

[tires screeching]

(man)
GOT IT?

*[Saturday Night
by Ozomatli playing]

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY

* UH, IMAGINE

* WAKIN' UP,
SOLIDARITY IS EVIDENT *

* HARMONY MOVES,
TIME IS IRRELEVANT *

* PEOPLE, THE PLACES,
THE MESSAGE BASIC *

* FROM RAISE FISTS TO SIT-INS,
RESIST THE CHANGE *

* PEEP THE SCENARIO,
TO THE FUTURE BRO *

* 2020 AND SOME NUMBER
A YEAR AGO *

* PEOPLE ROSE UP,
GOVERNMENTS FROZE UP *

* WORLDWIDE BLOCK PARTY,
EVERYBODY SHOWS UP *

* UP ON ROOF TOPS,
GHETTOS AND HOT SPOTS *

* PEOPLE CELEBRATIN'
NO MORE SOULS ROT *

* NO MORE BLOODSHED
OVER FALSE DEFICIT *

* EVEN HIP-HOP GETS
A FUCKIN' FACE-LIFT *

* THE LATEST FASHION,
STOCK MARKET'S CRASHIN' *

* IT'S SATURDAY,
TIME TO GET
THE PARTY CRACKIN' *

* AND IF THE TIME
AND THE DAY IS RIGHT *

* THE REVOLUTION WILL BEGIN
THIS SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY

* HEY, HEY, HEY

* WHEN IT DROP,
STORES OUGHTA STOP ON ME *

* SHOP TILL YOU DROP,
HOMEY THAT'S NOT ME *

* RUSH AN ATTACK
FROM THE BACK ON 3 *

* STOP ON ME,
SHOUT "WORLD PEACE!" *

* SLIDE FROM THE BLOCK,
LOVE PEACE, OH PLEASE! *

* WE DON'T NEED
BOUNCERS OR POLICE *

* IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT,
IT'S NOTHIN' BETTER *

* SPREAD THE WORD
THAT WE COMIN' TOGETHER *

* SO COME ON WITH ME NOW

* OH, AND YOU DON'T TRY

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY
FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE *

[seagulls cawing]

(woman on P.A. system)
THE WHITE ZONE IS
FOR IMMEDIATE LOADING

AND UNLOADING OF
PASSENGERS ONLY.

[people chattering]

(man)
YOU ARE EVERYTHING
YOU CAN BE.

THANK YOU.

(Nathan)
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, Z BOB.

IT IS NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S REALLY BAD LUCK.
I PROMISE YOU,
SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[alarm buzzing]

UH, YOU'RE FINE, SON.

[alarm buzzing]

STEP BACK AND REMOVE
ANY METAL OBJECTS
FROM YOUR PERSON.

(Eli)
OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE--THEY'RE
BOARDING GROUP 2 ALREADY.

HE'S GONNA MISS IT.
THAT'S IT, MAN.

HE'S GONNA MISS
HIS OWN BACHELOR PARTY.

SHUT UP, MAN!

HE'S NOT GONNA MISS
ANYTHING.

YOU'RE GONNA GET TO SEE
YOUR PRECIOUS HUEY NEWTON GUY.

WAYNE. WAYNE NEWTON.

OK, HUEY NEWTON WAS
A FOUNDING MEMBER OF
THE BLACK PANTHERS.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

WHY SHOULD I?

WELL, YOU'RE, YOU KNOW...

BECAUSE, UM...

BECAUSE I'M WHAT?

YOU'RE A...
I'M A?

YOU GOT A 1600
ON YOUR S.A.T.

AND YOU JUST GRADUATED
NORTHWESTERN WITH A 4.0.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW I GOT A 1600

THE SAME WAY I GOT A 4.0.
I CHEATED.

[alarm buzzing]

[beeping]

GOD, I...
BOY, I TELL YOU, MAN,
WHITE GIRLS, THEY...

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE
THEIR BUTTS ARE GROWIN', MAN.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE
HE'S NOT GONNA MISS IT?

BEFORE Y'ALL USED TO JUST
HAVE TITTIES, AND THAT WAS IT.

WAIT.
NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN
YOU GOT TITTIES AND ASS.

[alarm buzzing]

PLEASE COME WITH ME, SIR.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS BAD LUCK.

HURRY UP,
WE'RE ALREADY LATE.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
NATHAN LET Z BOB PLAN
THIS WHOLE WEEKEND

AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE
HE'S SCREWED UP.

WELL,
HIS BROTHER HOOKED HIM UP
WITH THIS BACHELOR-PARTY GURU.

SO NOT EVEN Z BOB
CAN SCREW THIS UP.

(Z Bob)
AS A COURTESY YOU
COULD'VE AT LEAST--

[Z Bob groaning]

YOU OK?

DON'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT?

ABOUT WHAT?

COME ON.

DOES THAT HAVE ANY
BUSINESS NEWS IN IT?

YOU WANNA CHECK IT OUT?
PLEASE.

OK.

GO AHEAD, MAN.

THIS HAS BUSINESS NEWS?

YEAH, SEE, THERE'S HER
BUSINESS RIGHT THERE.

AND THERE'S SOME MORE
OF HER BUSINESS RIGHT THERE.

FOR REAL, MAN, YOU GOTTA BE
THE DUMBEST GRADUATE
N.U. EVER PRODUCED.

THAT'S OK, BABY,
I GET SICK BEFORE I FLY, TOO.

JUST TAKE
A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, SIR,
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO
DEFLATE YOUR DOLL.

YEAH,
IT WAS WORTH A SHOT, RIGHT?

GENTLEMEN,
I HAVE 2 WORDS FOR YOU.

SHOW GIRLS.

FOR THE RECORD,
SHOWGIRLS IS ONE WORD.

WHERE--

DOES HE HAVE TO COME?

[air hissing]

I CAN'T...

(Z Bob)
I SEE YOU'VE DISCOVERED
COMMANDMENT NUMBER 8.

YES, I HAVE.

"THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

UH-HUH. "ALL FORMS
OF ENTERTAINMENT MUST
INCLUDE SEXUAL EXPLICITNESS

AND/OR ILLEGALITY."
THAT'S NICE.

WELL, JAIME PRESSLY.

I'D BE HER BITCH ANY DAY.

ONE SECOND.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

BACHELOR PARTY
10 COMMANDMENTS.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THIS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN
FROM BROTHER TO BROTHER
IN MY FAMILY.

AND FROM UNCLE TO UNCLE
BEFORE THAT. READY?

COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE:

"EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS
DURING THE BACHELOR PARTY
WEEKEND

CAN NEVER BE DISCUSSED
WITH ANYONE ELSE
FOR ANY REASON."

YEAH, DON'T WORRY.
LISA ALREADY TOLD ME,

SHE DOESN'T WANNA KNOW
A THING.

THAT GIRL IS SO COOL,
SHE'S ALMOST A GUY.

YOU--YOU REALIZE WHAT
THIS MEANS, RIGHT?

WHAT?

LISA GAVE YOU
THE GREEN LIGHT.

WHAT GREEN LIGHT?

DUDE,
DON'T GET ALL RILED UP, OK?

I MEAN, I ALREADY PROMISED HER
I'M NOT GONNA GET ARRESTED,
AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX.

ALL I HEARD WAS SHE
DOESN'T KNOW A THING--

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
COMMANDMENT NUMBER 2:

"THE GOAL OF
THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND

IS TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST
UNFORGETTABLE 48 HOURS
EVER IMAGINED."

COUNT ON IT.
AND NUMBER 3:

"THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND
MUST TAKE PLACE
IN LAS VEGAS."

(woman on P.A. system)
FINAL BOARDING CALL
FOR FLIGHT 420 TO LAS VEGAS.

ALL TICKETED PASSENGERS
SHOULD PROCEED TO THE GATE
IMMEDIATELY.

SHIT. WHERE'S JOHNNY C?

IS THERE A REASON
YOU'RE CARRYING HANDCUFFS?

I'M GOING TO MY FIRST
BACHELOR PARTY.

[both chuckling]

NOT WITH THESE, YOU'RE NOT.

BUT THE...
AND WHAT IS THIS?

OH, DUDE, BANANA-FLAVORED
PENIS-SENSITIZING CREAM.

IT MAGNIFIES EVEN
THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BEST PART THOUGH, EDIBLE.

NOT IN U.S. AIRSPACE
IT'S NOT.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS
TO YOU?

THIS IS POTENTIALLY
THE BIGGEST WEEKEND

[buzzing]
MY FRIENDS AND I ARE
EVER GONNA EXPERIENCE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT MEANS?

THESE ARE POTENTIALLY
DANGEROUS WEAPONS

WHICH YOU WILL
NOT BE CARRYING
ON ANY AIRCRAFT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT MEANS?

[baby crying]

MAN, FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.
FUCK AL-QAEDA.

AND FUCK EVERY
OTHER DOUCHE BAG
WHO BROUGHT ABOUT

THIS HEIGHTENED
SECURITY BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW,
I CAN UNDERSTAND THEM

TAKING THE HANDCUFFS,
BUT THE DILDOS?

THEY EVEN TOOK
THE GODDAMN PENIS CREAM.

EXCUSE ME,
BUT WHO ARE WE
BRINGING DILDOS FOR?

(Johnny C)
ELI, CHAPTER 1, PAGE 1.

SHOWGIRLS LOVE DILDOS.
TRUST ME.

THEY SEE GUYS WHO
BROUGHT THEIR OWN,
AND THE PARTY IS ON.

OH, DUDE,
THEN AS SOON AS WE LAND,
WE HAVE TO GET DILDOS.

RELAX, MAN.
IN VEGAS THEY PRACTICALLY

SELL THEM ON
EVERY STREET CORNER.

(Eli)
HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU'VE NEVER
EVEN BEEN TO VEGAS.

WE'RE GOING TO
THE DECADENCE CAPITAL
OF THE WORLD HERE, BOYS.

GET READY TO PUSH
THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCH OUT
OUR MORAL CODES

BECAUSE THIS IS GOING
TO BE THE WILDEST,

CRAZIEST WEEKEND
OF OUR LIVES.

GIFTS, FOR EVERYONE.
OH, YEAH.

I SHOULD SAY TO OUR NEW...

THANKS, BROTHER.

GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

(Nathan)
I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW
HOW PSYCHED I AM

THAT MY 4 BEST FRIENDS
ARE WITH ME. YOU KNOW?

EACH OF YOU GUYS
MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

(Ash)
ALL RIGHT.

ENOUGH OF THIS
SENSITIVE BULLSHIT.

BEFORE WE BREAK OUT
INTO A CIRCLE JERK

WE ARE GOING TO
GET SHIT-FACED.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHITTY.

ALL RIGHT.
I GOT A QUESTION TO ASK YOU.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,
LISA'S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

SHE'S GOT A GREAT BODY,
SHE'S SEXY,

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S GOT
A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

ACCORDING TO YOU,
SHE'S A BEAST IN THE SACK.
RIGHT?

BUT?

WHY ARE YOU WILLING
TO REDUCE AN ENTIRE
DECADE OF MALE BONDING,

WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE
OUR 20's, TO ONE WEEKEND?

YOU MEAN,
WHY AM I GETTING MARRIED?

YES! YES, YES! WHY?

WHY NOW?
WHY CAN'T YOU WAIT
UNTIL YOU'RE, LIKE

30 OR 35 OR 40?

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I LOVE HER.

OK. AND?

WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

OH.

WELL, THAT'S...
THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU DON'T...
GREAT, YOU LOVE HER.

THAT'S FINE, THOUGH.
YOU OWE US, THOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I OWE YOU?

LOOK, DUDE,
DON'T GET US WRONG, OK?

WE'RE INCREDIBLY HAPPY
FOR YOU.

IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE
GETTING USED TO THE IDEA

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE LISA'S
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

FOR ONE LAST WEEKEND,
BITCH, YOU'RE OURS.

IT'S THE BACHELOR DILEMMA.

WHAT IS?

GOING INTO HIS FINAL WEEKEND
AS A SINGLE MAN,

EVERY BACHELOR FEELS
A TORN SENSE OF OBLIGATION.

SEE, HE WANTS TO STAY
TRUE TO HIS BRIDE-TO-BE
AND NOT LET HER DOWN.

WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,

STAYING TRUE TO HIS FRIENDS
AND NOT LETTING THEM DOWN.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT,
PSYCH CLASS?
HUSTLER.

OF COURSE.

ANOTHER ROUND, GENTLEMEN?

OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
HERE, RIGHT--

YOU CAN JUST DROP IT RIGHT--

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HERE'S $50,
KEEP IT COMING.

CONSIDER IT DONE.

OK.

[snickering]

DRINK UP, BOYS.

SOBRIETY IS THE ENEMY.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE
THAT D.V.D. PLAYER
I GAVE YOU?

(Nathan)
YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

THE IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WOULD YOU MIND
SWITCHING SEATS?

YOUNG MAN, EVERY TIME
I FLY TO LAS VEGAS,
I SIT IN 27-C.

IT'S MY LUCKY SEAT.

I'M NOT GONNA GIVE THAT UP.

PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?

THIS IS MY SEAT.

BUZZ OFF.

[Ash chortling]

ALL RIGHT. IF, UH, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU'D LIKE.

(Z Bob)
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I GAVE HIM THIS
TO WATCH PORN.

(Nathan)
THAT'S CHUCK LIDDELL.

THE ICEMAN IS THE U.F.C.
LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD.

HE'S, LIKE,
THE MOST DANGEROUS
MAN ON THE PLANET.

OK, WELL,
UNLESS WE SEE HIM GETTING
A BLOW JOB FROM A RING GIRL,

I THINK THIS IS THE LAST TIME
WE'RE GONNA SEE ICEMAN
THIS WEEKEND.

(Johnny C)
THERE YOU GO.

VERY NICE.

(Z Bob)
GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT
MISS CANDY JUGGS.

ALL RIGHT.

TURN IT ON. PLAY.
POW.

(Z Bob)
YEAH.

(woman)
RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE.

OH, YEAH, DON'T STOP.
(Z Bob)
GOT YOU.

YOUR COCK IS SO BIG.

SORRY, MA'AM,
I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

(woman)
WOULD YOU MIND
TURNING THAT OFF?

YOU KNOW,
UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,
I ABSOLUTELY WOULD,

BUT, UH, BACHELOR PARTY
COMMANDMENT NUMBER 8--

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE MY PUSSY?

EXCUSE ME?

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE MY PUSSY?

GOD, NO!

I DON'T CARE TO
SEE YOUR PORNOGRAPHY.

I LIKE MINE
WITH A LITTLE STORY.

SO, IF I HAVE TO SEE YOURS,
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MINE.

GIVE IT BACK.
NO.

TRUST. TRUST.
JUST NO.

OH, GOD, I NEED...

[beeping]

SO, UH, GUYS,

IN THE SPIRIT OF THIS WEEKEND

I'VE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING
COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.

TAKE A LOOK AT
THE NEWEST MEMBER
OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB.

OH, ELI,

SPANKING DOESN'T COUNT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
IT DOESN'T COUNT?

SORRY, ELI,
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T.

I WANNA GO HOME.

RIGHT NOW.

WHOEVER JUST MASTURBATED
IN THE BATHROOM,

WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK
AND CLEANING YOUR MAN-SAUCE
OFF THE MIRROR?

[people exclaiming]

DID HE JUST SAY "MAN-SAUCE"?

(woman #1)
NASTY.

(woman #2)
DISGUSTING.

(man)
PLEASE.

(woman #3)
WON'T BE GOING TO THE BATHROOM
ANY TIME SOON.

THERE IT IS, GUYS.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY
IN THE WORLD.

OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, MOST WOMEN DREAM
OF THEIR WEDDING DAY
THEIR ENTIRE LIVES.

BUT THIS IS THE DAY
WE DREAM OF.

IT'S EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN I THOUGHT.

WE'RE HERE.

WE'RE REALLY HERE.

*[Alive & Amplified
by Mooney Suzuki playing]

* PLUG ME IN
AND TURN ME ON *

* LISTEN HERE
'CAUSE HERE IT COMES *

* GOT HOT LICKS ON
YOUR GUITAR STRINGS *

* RIFFS AND RHYTHMS
AND GUITAR THANGS *

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S THE GIRL
FROM POISON IVY 3,
JAIME PRESSLY.

IT'S JAIME PRESSLY.
JAIME.

JAIME.
(Z Bob)
MISS PRESSLY, EXCUSE ME.

HEY, UH,
THIS IS-- THIS IS MY BUDDY

NATHAN'S LAST WEEKEND
AS A SINGLE MAN

AND I WAS KIND OF WONDERING
IF MAYBE

THERE WAS SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW, THAT--

WE COULD DO TO HELP
MAKE THIS A GREAT WEEKEND?

YES.
RIGHT.

ANYTHING AT ALL.
RIGHT.
UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SURE THERE'S
SOMETHING WE COULD DO.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. UH, WHY DON'T--
WHY DON'T I GET--

HI.
HI.

WHY DON'T I GET YOUR NUMBER?

OR YOUR NUMBER.

OK?
AND THEN WE'LL CALL YOU.

YEAH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THE NUMBER.

847-555-6634.
THAT'S 847--

OK, HOLD IT. OK, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT THAT TIME. THANKS.

AND THE, UH, NAME?

UH, Z BOB.
OR "Z" FOR SHORT.

WELL, I HOPE SO.

PERFECT. ALL RIGHT,
WELL, WE GOT IT.

SO WE WILL GIVE
YOU GUYS A CALL.

SO WE'LL--
MY NAME IS ASH,

BY THE WAY,
JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW.
HI. HI, ASH.

WHERE YOU GUYS STAYIN'?

WE ARE STAYING AT--
GREEN VALLEY.

GREEN VALLEY RANCH.
THAT'S AN AWESOME HOTEL.

YEAH.
MAYBE CAESARS OR MAYBE...

WE'RE NOT--
WE'RE NOT SURE.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR FRIEND?
HI.

HI. THAT'S JENNA.

YOU KNOW,
HAVE A WONDERFUL TRIP.
YEAH.

UM, CONGRATULATIONS.
AND...
THANK YOU.

...WE'LL CALL YOU.
GOOD LUCK.

WE'LL SEE YOU AT CAESARS.
WE'RE AT THE NUGGET.
ALL RIGHT.

NICE TO MEET YOU,
JAIME PRESSLY.
I LOVE YOU.

(Johnny C)
IT--IT--IT WAS NICE
TO MEET YOU

WOW!
...JAIME PRESSLY.

SHUT UP.

JAIME PRESSLY
IS GONNA CALL US.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

NO, NO, SHE WILL.
I KNOW SHE WILL.
NO, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

YOU THINK SHE'S
JUST LEADING US ON?
YES.

AT LEAST SHE WAS
NICE ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

(Johnny C)
JAIME!
PROBABLY A LESBIAN, ANYWAY.

GOD, I HOPE SO.

[all whooping]

OH, YEAH!
YOU ARE THE MAN! SWEET!

(Z Bob)
GUYS, LET'S GET READY
TO ROCK 'N ROLL!

GUYS, THE FIRST LAP DANCE,
IT'S ON ME.

GET READY BOYS.
THE WEEKEND STARTS NOW.

(Eli)
UH, MA'AM, EXCUSE ME.

UH, YOU WEREN'T
ON THE WEB SITE.

OH, THAT'S 'CAUSE
I JUST STARTED.

I AM CASSANDRA.

I ALSO TEACH PRESCHOOL.

NEVER, EVER TRUST THE PICTURES
YOU SEE ON A WEB SITE.

HUMPITY-HUMPITY,
HUMPITY-HUMPITY DUMP.

OK. WHOA, STOP.

PLEASE, REALLY STOP.

OK. DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL?

[exclaiming]
OH, YEAH.

HELP ME.
NO. NO.

HELP ME. HELP ME.
OH, OH.

[exclaiming]

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH, BABY.
OH, YOU ARE SO HOT.

YEAH.
OH, YOU ARE SO HOT.

BABY. WHAT A PENIS!

OH, YOU HAVE
A GENIUS PENIS.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
STOP IT. STOP IT.

JUST STOP. OK?
JUST STOP RIGHT NOW.

JUST STOP. OK?

I WANTED-- I DIDN'T
WANNA SAY ANYTHING BUT, UM,

I'M GAY.

YES, I'M GAY.
I'M--I'M GAY.
I'M GAY, GIRL.

CASSANDRA,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M NOT GONNA TEMPT YOU.

I'LL MOVE RIGHT ALONG.
YEAH, YEAH.

HI. DO YOU WANNA
DO THE HUMPITY-DUMP

THE WHIP OR
THERE'S THE NOSE SUCK?

NO, I'LL JUST-- I'LL JUST
TAKE THE HUMPITY--

[razzing]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

CASSANDRA,
I'M ACTUALLY GAY, TOO.

REALLY GAY.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE
HE WAS THE BOYFRIEND.

MMM-HMM. IT'S ME.

MOVING ON.
I'M GONNA MOVE RIGHT ON.
OKEY-DOKEY.

HI.

HEY. WHAT'S UP, HONEY?

SO, ME, HIS BOYFRIEND? NO.

ACTUALLY,
I'M MORE MAN THAN
YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

OK, IF YOU SAY SO.

[zipper unzipping]

HI, LITTLE FELLA.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN
STAND UP STRAIGHT FOR MAMA.

DON'T BE A BAD BOY.

[cooing]
STOP. OUCH.

LISTEN, HONEY,
I'M HIS BOYFRIEND.

YOU 2-TIMING LITTLE SLUT.

YOU'RE GAY, TOO?

POWER GAY.

GIRL, YOU ALL JUST RELAX.

(Cassandra)
WELL,

I KNOW THERE'S ONE GUY
ON THIS BUS WHO LIKES GIRLS.

[bell rings]

IT'S CASSANDRA.

YEAH.

AND I SAVED MY BEST
FOR LAST.

IT'S MY MONKEY ROUTINE,
AND YOU'RE THE BANANA.

[imitating monkey]

NO. OH, OH, GOD!

[groaning]

[screaming]

(Nathan)
WHERE IS VEGAS?

(Eli)
UH, NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING,
BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

(Ash)
EACH OF US IS IN CHARGE
OF ONE PART OF THIS WEEKEND.

I'VE ARRANGED FOR
A LITTLE OUTDOOR FUN.

ISN'T THIS GREAT?

[laughing]

WAIT.

YOU BROUGHT US ALL THE WAY
OUT HERE TO PLAY PAINTBALL?

YEAH.

(man)
ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GET
YOUR RELEASE FORMS

BEFORE I CAN LET YOU
OUT ON THE PLAYING FIELD.

YOU SURE
YOU WANT THE SPECIAL?

HELL, YEAH.

WAIT.
WHAT'S THE SPECIAL?

CHRISSY!

[dogs barking]

[dogs howling]

(Z Bob)
WHOA.

BOYS, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET CHRISSY.

SHE IS THE SPECIAL.

ALL RIGHT NOW,
CHRISSY HERE GETS
A 2-MINUTE HEAD START

AND YOU HAVE
THE PRIVILEGE OF HUNTING
THIS FINE YOUNG FILLY.

EXCUSE ME. WE WHAT, SIR?

THE FIRST ONE OF YOU
WHO CAN CLAIM A KILL SHOT

GETS ME ALONE FOR AN HOUR.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO ME,

WITH ME,

WOW.
...OR FOR ME.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

ONLY IF YOU GET A KILL SHOT.
ON YOUR MARK.

GET SET.

DOWN, BABY, SHE'S MINE.

GO!

GOD DAMN.

IS IT JUST ME,
OR DOES ANYBODY ELSE

THINK THIS IS
A LITTLE STRANGE?

WELL, YOU COULD JUST
STAY HERE WITH ME
IF YOU'D PREFER.

*[My Little Birdie
by The Nice Device playing]

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE
DON'T SING TO ME NO MORE *

(Ash)
I'M A BAD MOTHERFUCKER.

[screaming]

YEAH!

GET SOME! GET SOME!

GET SOME!

(Z Bob)
YO! THIS IS JUST LIKE
MY FAVORITE CANDY JUGGS VIDEO.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
I GOT THE IDEA FROM?
YOU HAVE THAT VIDEO, TOO?

NO, I STOLE IT FROM YOU.
GET SOME!

(Johnny C)
HEY. WE'RE NEVER GONNA
FIND HER LIKE THIS.

LET'S SPREAD OUT
OR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GUYS GO THAT WAY,
FOX FORMATION.

I'M HEADING THIS WAY.
LET'S GO.

(Eli)
GUYS. GUYS, WAIT...

YOU GUYS. GUYS.

DON'T SHOOT. YOU WIN.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

[screaming]

WHY-- WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

(Ash)
HEY, NOW I GOT ONE QUESTION.

DO I HAVE TO SPLIT THE HOUR
WITH THE BACHELOR

OR DO I GET TO HAVE
YOU ALL TO MYSELF?

WHAT--

I LOVE DOING THAT.

[groaning]

YOU ARE ROUGH,
LITTLE GIRL.

YOU'RE A LITTLE ROUGH,
HUH?

YOU'RE A ROUGH ONE.

YOU SEE BOTH OF THEM?
WHO'S THAT? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M CHRISSY'S TWIN,
MISSY.

(Ash)
OH, YEAH.

I ROCK. I ROCK.

I ROCK. I ROCK.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
I ROCK.

CLOTHES OFF.

THEY BOTH HAVE GUNS NOW.
WHAT?

YES, OK.

BOTH OF YOU.

THAT'S ALL YOU
GOTTA SAY TO ME.

YOU NEED TO
START TAKING YOUR--
I HAVE A VERY BAD--

NOW!
SHE SHOT ME. SHE SHOT ME.
IT HURT. IT HURT.

OK, THAT'S GREAT.
START TAKING
YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

I HAVE A VERY, VERY BAD--
LISTEN TO ME!
LISTEN TO ME. ALL RIGHT?

WE ARE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT
WITH 2 HOT CHICKS. ALL RIGHT?

AND WE ARE
ABOUT TO GET NAKED.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
GO WRONG?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY
GO WRONG?

[both groaning]

WHAT THE HELL?

MY DICK!
THE BITCH SHOT MY DICK!

TWINS.
WHERE?

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T
SING TO ME NO MORE *

TWINS WITH GUNS!

[all screaming]

* RIGHT OUT THE DOOR

* IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU

* SATISFACTION

* OH, OH

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T
SING TO ME NO MORE *

* ALL YOUR LOVE GONE
RIGHT OUT THE DOOR *

* OH, OH

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T
SING TO ME NO MORE *

I AM NEVER
FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS.

SHUT UP, YOU.

(Nathan)
ASH, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

ARE YOU GUYS OK?

[panting]

DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE OK?

I NEED WEED!

GUYS, COME ON,
COME ON. COME ON.

I GOT EXACTLY
WHAT YOU NEED.

COME ON IN THE BUS.
LET'S HURRY, HURRY.

CASSANDRA TO THE RESCUE.

CASSANDRA TO THE RESCUE.
SORRY.

WHAT?

(Z Bob)
OH, LUCKY US. OUR DRIVER
IS WEARING A THONG.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME ONE
CASSANDRA WAS WEARING?

(Nathan)
OH, YEAH.
WORK IT, TED. WORK IT.

YES, WORK IT, TED!

(Nathan)
COME ON!

[whooping]

OH, OH, TED.
OH, OH, GO, TED. GO.

OH, NO, NO, NO. NO.

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
PLEASE STOP.

PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU.

OH, GOD, I CAN FEEL
YOUR BALLS ON MY KNEES.

HEY, COMMANDMENT NUMBER 9:
"NO MATTER WHAT GOES WRONG

ALL PARTICIPANTS
MUST PERSEVERE."

OH, OH.

BLOW, TED, BLOW.

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.
YUP.

OH, NO, NO,
NO YOU DON'T.

YOU WERE JUST SAYING
HOW YOU WANTED TO,

YOU KNOW,
PUSH THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCH OUT OUR
MORAL CODE. REMEMBER?

I NEVER SAID THAT.

I WOULD BE GLAD TO
STRETCH YOU OUT, BIG BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M STRETCHED OUT ALL
I WANNA BE, THANK YOU.

DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU
WANTED TO EXPERIENCE
THE WILDEST AND CRAZIEST

BACHELOR PARTY
OF YOUR LIFE?

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE KIND
OF WILD AND CRAZY I MEANT.

PUSH IT BACK,
PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK.

I SEE WHERE YOU
WANNA TAKE IT.

YOU WANNA TAKE THIS
TO THE NEXT LEVEL, HUH,
DON'T YOU?

NO! OH, GOD,
NOT THE NEXT LEVEL!

OH, I AM GOING
RIGHT OFF THE ROAD.

I NEED WEED!
I NEED...

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!

I NEED WEED!
I NEED WEED!

ALL RIGHT, DUDE, CHILL OUT.
I GET IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

YOU GOT WEED?

BLOW. BLOW.

OH, YEAH. OK.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO MEANS NO.
NO MEANS NO, THANK YOU.

SO WHEN'D YOU START SMOKING,
PLAYER?

2 MINUTES AGO.

ALL RIGHT.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO.

(girl)
HI, MOMMY.

HI, SWEETIE.

ARE YOU BUSY?

YEAH, I'M AT WORK.

(Ted)
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

THERE'S NO WEED
LIKE GAY WEED.

WHO SAYS THAT?

THEY DO.

[both laughing]

STOP ACTING STUPID.
DON'T FUCKING HIT
ME AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?

(Ted)
WAIT A SECOND.

YOU GUYS AREN'T GAY, ARE YOU?

YOU KNOW, I'M SURE
IF WE WEREN'T, WE WOULD BE.

OK, I GOTTA GO. OK.
LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEETIE.

I'LL BE BACK TO CHECK ON YOU.
OK, BYE.

STRETCH IT OUT,
STRETCH IT OUT, WAY OUT.

LOOK AT YOU.

LISTEN, GUYS. I TOTALLY GET
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. OK?

CASSIE WASN'T
DOING IT FOR YOU GUYS.

IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU,
SHE'S LIKE A LITTLE
SISTER TO ME.

AND IF SHE FOUND OUT,
IT WOULD TOTALLY
BREAK HER HEART.

SO SHE WON'T.

THANKS.

I GOT IT.
CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT'S UP, CAPTAIN CRUNCH?

I'LL HAVE A BOWL OF THAT.

(Ted)
OH, YEAH, NICE.

YEAH. GIVE ME SOME
OF THAT BIG GAY DICK.

(Ash)
YO, TEDDY. TEDDY.

I WANNA BLOW YOU.

I WANNA-- I WANNA BLOW YOU.

OH, I AM GETTING SO HOT

THINKING OF ALL THOSE
PENISES TOGETHER.

TED! BREAK OUT THE GERBILS!

BABY, BREAK OUT THE GERBILS!

GERBIL?

I WANNA FEEL HIS WHISKERS
IN MY ASS.

YEAH, YEAH. I WANNA-- I WANNA
FEEL HIM CRAWLING AROUND,

SCRATCHING AROUND,
LITTLE CLAWS.

YEAH, LITTLE NOSES,
I WANT THEM UP MY ASS.

OH, I WANT A WHOLE
FUCKING RODENT FAMILY
UP MY PROLAPSED ANUS, TED!

OH, GOD.

[screaming]

WHAT?

(Z Bob)
ALL RIGHT, MY FRIENDS,
THE PAST IS BUT PROLOGUE.

THE REAL BACHELOR PARTY
IS NOW ABOUT TO BEGIN.

[Z Bob laughing]

(Z Bob)
I'M GONNA WIN
ABOUT $1 MILLION

OUT OF ALL OF THIS SHIT.
ALL OF THIS SHIT.

(Ash)
WE'RE REALLY HERE.

HEY, I AM GONNA WIN $25,000
ON THAT ONE AND...

OH, MY GOD.

PLEASE TELL ME
I'M NOT HALLUCINATING.

WHAT'S UP, Z...
JESUS CHRIST.

WHERE DO WOMEN
LIKE THAT COME FROM?

SO, WHICH ONE OF
YOU HANDSOME STUDS
HAPPENS TO BE Z BOB?

UH, THAT WOULD BE ME.

YOUR PARTY PLANNER ASKED ME
TO ESCORT YOU UPSTAIRS.

WON'T YOU ALL,
PLEASE, FOLLOW ME?

YOU REALLY THINK
I'M HANDSOME, HUH?

LET'S DO THIS.
CALM IT DOWN.

HEY, YOU GUYS,
I THINK WE'RE GOING
TO THE PENTHOUSE.

YEAH.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST.

YOU BOYS HAVE HIRED THE BEST
BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER
IN LAS VEGAS.

POSSIBLY THE WORLD.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

[clearing throat]
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

ASK HER.
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

IS "SHOWGIRLS"
ONE WORD OR IS IT 2?

(Johnny C)
OH, ELI.

ONE.

SEE? SEE?
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

[exclaiming]

CAN I ASK YOU BOYS SOMETHING?

ANYTHING.

(Z Bob)
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

[elevator stopping]

DID ANY OF YOU HAPPEN
TO BRING A DILDO WITH YOU?

[stammering]
WAIT. WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

'CAUSE I JUST
HAVE THIS CRAZY URGE
TO DO A DILDO SHOW FOR YOU.

[all exclaiming]
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.

CHAPTER 1, PAGE 1,
RIGHT THERE.

I GUESS IT'LL
JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

MAN, FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

(woman)
HERE THEY COME.

HI.

COCKTAILS?

*[music playing on stereo]

THANK YOU.

HEY, YOU GUYS,
I MAY HAVE SCREWED UP

A LOT OF THINGS
IN THE LAST 4 YEARS,

BUT THIS WEEKEND
WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.

THIS?
THESE ARE ALL FOR US?

*[rap music playing]

(Ash)
THIS IS NICE.

HEY, GUYS.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS CARMINE T. ANGELO.

AND I AM THE ULTIMATE
BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER

AT YOUR SERVICE.

UH, WHAT HAPPENED
TO MR. KIDD?

MR. KIDD? MR. KIDD WAS
UNAVOIDABLY DETAINED

DUE TO A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.

GOD DAMN.

[Ash clearing throat]

YOU THE BACHELOR?

HOW COULD YOU TELL?

BECAUSE YOU'RE
A LITTLE NERVOUS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AN EXPERT.

SO, UH, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
HAVE YOUR PICK.

[stammering]
HOW DO YOU MEAN?

HOW DO I MEAN?

I MEAN, YOU CAN PICK.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MOE.

ONE. JUST GET ONE AT A TIME.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL PICK FOR YOU.

*[rap music playing]

PENELOPE.
MMM-HMM.

COME ON,
I GOT A LITTLE WORK FOR YOU.

ISN'T SHE A DOLL?

HUH?
WHICH ONE?

THIS GUY, RIGHT HERE.

HE'S CUTE.
OH, DEAR GOD.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA
HAVE SOME FUN TONIGHT.

HOLD THAT.

(Ash)
MY MAN. DON'T--DON'T
LET ME DOWN, MAN.

I THINK SOMEBODY
NEEDS A NURSE.
WHO NEEDS A NURSE?

(Johnny C)
I'M--I'M FEELING
KIND OF SICK.

[giggling]

LOOK, UM,
YOU'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL
AND EVERYTHING BUT...

I WANT YOU.

OK, GUYS.
THESE ARE THE RULES.

YOU CAN LOOK,
BUT YOU CANNOT TOUCH.

ONLY THE BACHELOR
GETS FULL SERVICE
ON NIGHT ONE.

BUT DON'T WORRY,
YOU GUYS WILL GET YOURS

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARRIVE
TOMORROW NIGHT.

TONIGHT IS ALL
ABOUT THE BACHELOR,

AND YOU GUYS
GOING OUT ON THE TOWN.

I'VE GOT DINNER RESERVATIONS
FOR YOU GUYS AT DRAI'S,

TICKETS TO THE BIG FIGHT,

AND A BACKSTAGE PASS
TO MEET MY VERY DEAR,
PERSONAL FRIEND,

MR. WAYNE NEWTON.

[woman laughing]

DID YOU JUST
SAY WAYNE NEWTON?

NO, I SAID FIG NEWTON.

WE HAVE BACKSTAGE PASSES
TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON?
IN PERSON?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU'RE A LITTLE DRUNK THERE.
ARE YOU 21?

YOU GOTTA BE 21 TO GO--
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT,
I'M 21, SIR.

OK. GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU ARE GODDAMN RIGHT.

I AM MEETING THAT MAN.

OH, OK, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
ALL RIGHT. NO.

OH, WELL,
YOU DON'T WANNA
DISAPPOINT YOUR FRIENDS.

DO YOU?

[moaning]

HOLY SHIT.

YOU DON'T REALLY
THINK HE'S ACTUALLY

DOING ANYTHING WITH HER,
DO YOU?

I SURE THE HELL HOPE SO.

YEAH?

[Nathan moaning]

THEN, DEPENDING WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE IN THE MOOD FOR,

I'VE GOT YOU
ON THE V.I.P. LIST
AT LIGHT, WHISKEY BAR

AND THE EMPEROR'S CLUB
AT THE CRAZY HORSE TOO

FOR A PRIVATE LAP DANCE.

LOOK. I--I CAN'T.

SURE YOU CAN.

NO, REALLY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE THE HOTTEST WOMAN
THAT'S EVER WANTED
TO HAVE SEX WITH ME,

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR FIANCEE
THAT MUCH, HUH?

THAT MUCH AND THEN SOME.

WELL, MORE POWER TO YOU.

THEN WHAT ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS?

AND NOW, TO GET
THE NIGHT STARTED OFF RIGHT,

HERE ARE SOME HOUSE CHIPS
FOR YOU GUYS TO GAMBLE WITH.

WHAT ARE HOUSE CHIPS?

WELL, YOU PLAY THEM
JUST LIKE REGULAR CHIPS

BUT YOU DON'T CASH THEM IN
UNTIL YOU PLAY THEM
AT LEAST ONCE.

GO TO TABLE 4, PIT 5.

JUST DON'T DRAW
TOO MUCH ATTENTION.

(Penelope)
MORE! NATHAN, GIVE ME MORE!

A LITTLE WORD OF ADVICE,
BOYS.

ALWAYS LEAVE THEM BEGGING
FOR MORE.

LET'S GO GAMBLE.

ALL RIGHT, NATHAN!

[all cheering]

(all)
BACHELOR! BACHELOR!

BACHELOR!
BACHELOR! BACHELOR!

MAN, RIGHT THERE,
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

"DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT."
OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[all cheering]

HE'S BLOWING!
THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

EASY.

(Johnny C)
NEXT, JOHN. NEXT, JOHN.

I'M GONNA PUT
$2,000 ON A HARD 8.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

YEAH, BABY.

THIS ONE'S FROM JOHNNY C,
FROM YOU TO ME.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

THANK YOU!

(all)
ELI! ELI! ELI! ELI! ELI!

(Johnny C)
THAT WORKS. THAT WORKS, BABY.
THAT WORKS.

THROW THE DICE.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, HELLO, LOVE.

PASS IT DOWN.
TAKE ONE DOWN.

PASS IT AROUND.

ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE TAKING A TIME OUT.

(man)
GENTLEMEN.

YOU KNOW I LOVE
YOU GUYS, FOR REAL.

(Johnny C)
YEAH, BABY.

ALL RIGHT.
LET ME GET THAT ON A--

GENTLEMEN.
GATHER UP YOUR CHIPS
AND COME WITH US, PLEASE.

I THINK WE'RE ABOUT
TO FIND OUT

HOW THE HIGH ROLLERS
GET TREATED, BOYS.
LET'S GO.

LADIES, HAVE FUN.
TO THE HOUSE.

FUCK.

YOU KNOW--
TAKE IT EASY, GUYS.

HERE'S YOUR $50.
YEAH.

LET'S GO.

HEY, SIR.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

BUT, SIR,
YOU TOLD ME THAT--

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
I OUGHT TO PUT THIS OUT
IN YOUR FUCKING EAR.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

ANSWER ME OR,
I SWEAR TO GOD,

I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING
HEAD OFF

AND USE YOUR NECK
FOR AN ASHTRAY.

BUT, SIR, FIRST YOU
TELL ME TO SHUT MY MOUTH,

THEN YOU TELL ME
TO ANSWER YOU.

IF I DO ONE,
I CAN'T DO THE OTHER.

IT'S A QUANDARY.
THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

IT'S A TEST OF CHARACTER,
AND YOU FAILED, YOU MORON.

OK, BOYS,
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

OUR--OUR TURN FOR WHAT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE

TO COME CLEAN WITH ME,
AND THEN WE'RE GOING
OLD SCHOOL, OK?

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, GOD DAMN IT!
YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE

TO COME INTO MY JOINT,
RIP ME OFF,

AND THEN YOU COME
INTO MY OFFICE

AND YOU LIE TO ME
TO MY FACE?

SIR, WE--WE REALLY
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE NOT LYING,
AND WE DEFINITELY

WOULDN'T TRY
AND STEAL FROM YOU.

OH, YEAH? YEAH?
NO.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING,
GUYS.

YOU SEE THIS?
YOU SEE THESE?
YEAH.

[buzzing]
THESE ARE REAL CHIPS.
YOU SEE THAT?

UH-HUH.

THESE ARE THE CHIPS
THAT YOU STARTED WITH.

[beeping]

WE DIDN'T KNOW, OK?
THEY WERE GIVEN TO US.

BY WHO?
CARMINE T. ANGELO,
THE BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER.

CARMINE T. ANGELO.

WHO?
HE'S A FRIEND OF MR. KIDD.
I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.

YEAH, I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S A LEGEND IN THIS TOWN,

EXCEPT ONE LITTLE PROBLEM.

HE DIED 2 DAYS AGO.

YOU WANNA COME UP
WITH ANOTHER STORY?
WANNA TRY AGAIN?

HE'S DEAD?

GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S NOT A STORY.
SIR, WE...

CAN YOU CALL
PENTHOUSE 17, PLEASE?

YEAH--YEAH,
JUST TALK TO HIM.

WE'LL BE COOL.
WE'LL BE COOL.
WE'LL BE FINE.

THIS IS NOT OUR FAULT.

(Eli)
LOOK, IT'S YOUR FAULT.
SHUT UP.

ELI. ELI.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO CHILL.

ELI. ELI.

ELI, WILL YOU SHUT
THE FUCK UP FOR 5 SECONDS?

(Eli)
WE USED COUNTERFEIT CHIPS
IN A CASINO IN LAS VEGAS.

THERE'S NOBODY
IN PENTHOUSE 17.

[exclaiming]

AND THERE'S NO
CARMINE T. ANGELO REGISTERED

ANYWHERE IN THE HOTEL.

(Ash)
GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE, MAN.

WHY IN THE HELL DID
I PUT YOU IN CHARGE
OF THIS WEEKEND?

NO,
LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME.
WHY?

PLEASE, PLEASE.
I'M NOT LYING, OK.
WE WERE THERE AN HOUR AGO.

WAIT. LOOK.
THAT'S HIM! THAT'S HIM!

HEY, HEY. THAT'S HIM!
RIGHT THERE! LOOK.
THAT'S THE GUY.

THAT'S CARMINE.

THAT IS CARMINE T. ANGELO
RIGHT THERE.

THAT GUY?
(all)
YEAH, YEAH.

THAT GUY?
THAT'S THE GUY YOU MET?
YEAH.

THAT GUY?
HIS REAL NAME IS
DOMINIC CALCUTTA.

HE'S ONE OF THE WORLD'S
MOST WANTED CASINO THIEVES.

WHAT?
WHAT?

OH, WONDERFUL.

(casino owner)
WE HAVE A CODE RED. CALCUTTA.
CASINO THIEVES.

STAY CALM. STAY CALM.

PIT 5, TABLE 4.
I'M ON MY WAY.

(Ash)
WE GONNA--

LISTEN, THESE GUYS MIGHT BE
WORKING WITH CALCUTTA.

NO.

IF THEY TRY TO LEAVE,
I WANT YOU TO GUT THEM
LIKE FUCKING PIGS

AND TAKE THESE
COUNTERFEIT CHIPS

AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP
THEIR LONG INTESTINES.

SIR, SIR, SIR.
WE'RE NOT WORKING
WITH CALCUTTA.

WE'RE NOT WORKING
WITH ANYBODY.

[all chattering]

OK, I'M SORRY,
BUT WE'RE GONNA
GET OUT OF THIS.

HEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HUH?
HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN THAT

YOU HIRED A NOTORIOUS
CASINO ROBBER TO PLAN
MY BACHELOR PARTY?

SHIT. THIS IS MY FAULT.

YEAH, IT IS.
YOUR FAULT AGAIN.

AND THE REST OF US,
WE'RE NOT GONNA
FORGIVE YOU, BRO.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.
LOOK, CHILL, OK?

NEVER AGAIN.
ELI!

CALM DOWN, BRO.

HEY, DON'T FORGET
COMMANDMENT NUMBER 7:

"NO MATTER WHAT GOES WRONG,
ALL PARTICIPANTS
MUST PERSEVERE."

NUMBER 9.

YEAH. AND DON'T FORGET IT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
SUGGEST WE DO, HUH?

WELL,

THERE'S--THERE'S
5 OF US, RIGHT?

AND THERE'S ONLY 2 OF THEM.

I SAY WE TAKE THEM.

GOOD PLAN.
ANY OTHER IDEAS?

OH, GOD!
OH, MY GOD! LOOK!

(man)
WE BETTER GO
CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT IS THAT?
(Z Bob)
OH, MY GOD.

TELL ME WHAT THAT IS.

THIS IS NOT GOOD.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS NOT GOOD.

[gun firing]
OH, MY GOD.

ELI, ELI, ELI.
DID YOU DO THAT?
DID YOU DO THAT?

NO! ELI, CALM DOWN.

ELI, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

GUESS WHO GOT US
INTO THIS, TOO.

THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

(Ash)
HEY, GUYS.

GO, GO, GO, GO.

(Ash)
COMING THROUGH.

[cutlery shattering]

(Ash)
IT'S LOCKED.

(Eli)
IT'S NOT AN EXIT.

HEY, WHAT'S THE HURRY?
YOUR WIFE WANT YOU?

(Ash)
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO
CLEAN THIS SHIT UP.

NO, NO, NO!
MY SOUFFLE!

[door opening]

(woman)
WATCH OUT!

(man)
SLOW DOWN!

MAN, HOW DO WE
GET OUT OF HERE?

NO, NO. THAT WAY!
THAT WAY! THAT WAY!

WE NEED TO FIND
TRANSPORTATION.

NOW.

ANY OF YOU GUYS
INTERESTED IN JOINING

OUR FRIEND'S LAST WEEKEND
AS A BACHELORETTE?

IS THIS A GREAT TOWN
OR WHAT?
YES, YES, WE ARE.

GET IN.

*[music playing
on car stereo]

SO YOU'RE, LIKE,
GETTING MARRIED, TOO.

THAT IS JUST SO... YEAH.

DOES YOUR FIANCEE
DO THINGS FOR YOU?

LIKE?

OH. YEAH. MMM-HMM.
YEAH, SHE'S--SHE'S AMAZING.

BUT DOES SHE DO THE

NAUGHTY THINGS?

[women laughing]

WE REALLY APPRECIATE
THE RIDE.

OH, YOU WILL.
BELIEVE ME.

[women giggling]
YEAH.

[exclaiming]

ANY OF YOU GUYS THIRSTY?

(Z Bob)
FUCK, YEAH.

(Johnny C)
THANKS.

THAT'S SPECIAL BEER.

WHAT'S SPECIAL BEER?

IT'S BEER MIXED WITH ECSTASY.

WE CALL IT ECSTASY BEER.

CLEVER NAME.

SO,

BEING THAT THIS IS
OUR BEST FRIEND'S

LAST WEEKEND AS
A SINGLE WOMAN AND ALL,

WE WERE WONDERING
IF YOU'D,

YOU KNOW.

[laughing]
YOU--YOU KNOW, WHAT?

SHOW US YOUR DICKS.

THAT'D BE NO.
OH, COME ON. WHY NOT?

OH, BECAUSE--

BECAUSE WHY?
YEAH, WHY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY?

WILL IT REALLY
MAKE YOU HAPPY?

OH, YES.

NOW WILL YOU BE
ABLE TO GO HOME,

GET MARRIED,
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

NO, NO.
...WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT

COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGERS
HAVE SHOWED YOU THEIR PENIS?

YES!

"TO VARYING DEGREES
OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION

DURING
THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND."
NO WAY, I'M NOT DOING IT.

(Johnny C)
YOU'RE DOING IT, MAN.
NOBODY'S CHICKENING OUT.

COME ON, YOU DIRTY BITCH,
LET'S DO THIS.

WE'RE GONNA DROP TROU ON 3,
YOU GUYS, READY?

ALL RIGHT,
COME ON, FUCK THIS.
ON 3, BOYS.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON. COME ON, FUCKER!
WE'RE SHOWING COCK.

YES!

WE'RE SHOWING COCK!

MY GOD, THIS IS SO WRONG.
SO WRONG.

[women exclaiming]
(Z Bob)
1.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

2.

FORGIVE ME.

2 AND A HALF.

(women)
OH!

3, 2, 1!

[exclaiming]

(Eli)
WHAT'S SO FREAKING FUNNY?

WHAT?

WOW. AWESOME.

THANKS SO MUCH,
YOU GUYS.

[tires screeching]

(woman #1)
BYE, TINY.

[women laughing]

(woman #2)
BYE.

DID YOU SEE
THOSE LITTLE THINGS?

THOSE WERE THE SMALLEST
WIENERS I'VE EVER SEEN.

CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE
DISSING OUR JOHNSONS.

FAT GIRLS ARE DISSING
OUR JOHNSONS.

FAT, WASTED GIRLS.

THAT'S IT.

WHAT'S IT?

THEY'RE WASTED.

THE--THE ALCOHOL
AND THE ECSTASY,
IT DISTORTS THEIR VISION.

UM,
LOOK AT-- LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME.

DON'T I LOOK SMALLER TO YOU?

DON'T I LOOK SMALLER
THAN I DO IN REAL LIFE?
I GUESS. WHOA.

WHOA.

DUDE, SERIOUSLY.
I GUESS. I GUESS.

OK, THEN, THAT'S IT.

IT WASN'T US, IT WAS THEM.

IT WAS THEM.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M READY TO
GO BACK TO CHICAGO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NATHAN.
THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GOING
IS WHERE WE TAKE YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU
GUYS MEAN WELL, OK?
HEY.

SO WE'VE HAD A FEW SETBACKS.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU PUT Z BOB
IN CHARGE OF THE WEEKEND.

I'VE GOT OTHER
RESPONSIBILITIES NOW, OK?

IT'S LIKE--

NOT YET YOU DON'T.
YOU OWE US.

GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

LISTEN TO ME.
TURN AROUND AND LOOK.

LOOK. WE'RE HERE.

AND WE'RE NOT
LEAVING THIS NIGHT

OR THIS WEEKEND
OR ANY OF THAT SHIT

UNTIL WE SAY WE ARE.
ALL RIGHT? LET'S GO.

Z'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.

[whistles]

HEY. HEY!

HEY.
I'M NOT TRYING
TO GET WITH YOU,

I JUST LOVE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

(Z Bob)
HEY, WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER.
SHOTGUN.

NO SHOTGUN.

I WANNA MEET THAT GUY.

WHO LIKES THE CAR?
GET IN THE CAR.

WAIT. DO IT SMOOTH.
DO IT SMOOTH.
GET HIM IN THE CAR.

SMOOTH.
IF YOU PUSH ME IN SMOOTHLY

THAT'S BETTER.
...I'LL GET IN.

YOU'LL TAKE IT.
I LOVE YOU.

[shushing]
I LOVE YOU.

GET IN THE CAR! JESUS!

I LOVE YOU.

(Johnny C)
LET'S ROLL.

NOW I BET YOU GUYS
WERE WONDERIN'

WHAT MY CONTRIBUTION
TO THIS WEEKEND
WAS GONNA BE.

GENTLEMEN, WE ARE GOING
TO VISIT A PORN SET.

OH, MY GOD,
THIS IS THAT
HARD ENTERTAINMENT?

THAT HARD ENTERTAINMENT.

I HAVE, LIKE,
50 OF THEIR VIDEOS.

50?

IS THAT A LITTLE
OR A LOT?

[mumbling]

HEY, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO
JUST ANY PORN SET HERE.

WE ARE GONNA WATCH
MISS CANDY JUGGS HERSELF.

OH, MY GOD,
I LOVE CANDY JUGGS, DUDE!

I LOVE HER, TOO!

ASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
LET'S--LET'S DO THIS.

I'M COOL!

[doorbell buzzing]
FUCKING HOT OUT THIS BITCH,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

[women giggling]

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M JOHNNY C.

I'M--I'M LOOKING FOR HARRY.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM.

YOU'RE HARRY HARD?

THE ONE AND ONLY.

COME ON,
GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE
BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.

COME ON,
YOU SWEET LITTLE BOYS, YOU.

COME ON.

(Candy)
VENUS, YOU LITTLE SLUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
STARTED WITHOUT ME.

I CAN GO HOME NOW.

CUT, CUT, CUT.

GET THE BOOM OUT.
WHICH ONE DID YOU WANT?

DOESN'T MATTER.
THE BIG--

GET...
TAKE THE CAMERA, WILL YOU?

[stammering]
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

Z, BUDDY,
YOU'RE SHAKING A LITTLE BIT.

(Candy)
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS GUY?
OVER THERE, SHE--

WELL, LET'S GO.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO...

WHOA.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH YOU

BEFORE I LET YOU
ANY CLOSER TO THE TALENT.

YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE'VE HAD A FEW, UM,
INCIDENCES RECENTLY

AND WE'VE HAD TO UP SECURITY.

NOTHING BIG.

YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE.

ARMS AND LEGS TO THE SIDE.

WE'RE JUST GONNA
PAT YOU DOWN.
SPREAD 'EM.

WE'LL PAT THEM DOWN
A LITTLE BIT.

PAT THEM DOWN.
JUST A LITTLE--

EXCUSE ME,
THOSE ARE MY BALLS, BRO.

[exclaiming]
JUST DOING MY JOB.

THANK YOU.

NICE.
HE STUCK HIS FINGER
IN MY ASS.

HE COULD PUT HIS ENTIRE,
UNOILED FIST UP MY ASS,
FOR ALL I CARE.

AND YOU--
WEAPONS?

BIG FINISH, HERE.

OH, YOU LIKE THAT,
DON'T YOU, HUH?

YOU SMELL DELICIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, LADIES,
LADIES, COME HERE.

I WANNA INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOME OF YOUR
BIGGEST FANS HERE.

I'M TRYING TO DIRECT
A MOVIE HERE.

YOU CALL THAT DIRECTING?
THIS IS SHIT, BUDDY.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE DOIN'
A TERRIBLE GODDAMN JOB.

I COULD HAVE A CHIMP
DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

FORGET IT. I QUIT.

YOU QUIT? GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU CAN'T EVEN WORK
WITH A DILDO.

GOD DAMN IT, I'LL USE YOU
AS A FUCKING DILDO.

SORRY. ASSHOLE.

WHERE WERE WE?

HELLO, BOYS.

HOT.

YOU'RE HERE FOR
A BACHELOR PARTY. HUH?

[stammering]
HOW COULD YOU TELL

THAT WE'RE HERE
FOR A BACHELOR PARTY?

I'M A VETERAN AT THIS.

(Harry)
OH, LITTLE HARDER.
LITTLE HARDER.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NEW.
REALLY HARD.

[groaning]

NOT THAT HARD.
AM I BLEEDING?

SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE

TO WATCH ME DO TO HER FIRST?

YEAH. OR ME.
YOU KNOW, I'M AVAILABLE.

I MEAN,
A LOT OF THE GUYS GET OFF
ON THAT SORT OF STUFF.

[motorcycle engines revving]
I USED TO DO A THING
CALLED A 3-LEGGED--

OH, SHIT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"OH, SHIT"?

OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT.

(Iceman)
I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE,
CANDY.

OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!

GO AWAY ICEMAN.
CANDY AIN'T HERE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ALL DAY.

(man)
HEY, CHUCK, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

[Iceman grunting]

BY ICEMAN,
HE DOESN'T MEAN,

LIKE, THE ICEMAN,
CHUCK LIDDELL, DOES HE?

WHO THE HELL DO
YOU THINK HE MEANS?

[pounding on door]

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE--MAYBE YOU GUYS

SHOULD GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, MY BOYFRIEND
GETS A LITTLE JEALOUS
IF ANYONE WATCHES.

YOUR BOYFRIEND
IS CHUCK LIDDELL?

(Iceman)
IF SHE'S GOT ANY VISITORS,
I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL.

IF SHE'S GOT ANY VISITORS--

YEAH, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY GO THAT WAY.

HEY, LOOK, I JUST
REALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU

BEFORE WE GO THAT
I REALLY ENJOY YOUR WORK

AND THAT I THINK
YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.

AND I'VE JERKED OFF TO YOU
LIKE 4,000 TIMES.

YOU COUNTED.
YEAH.

HOW SWEET.

(Iceman)
I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS SHIT.

[exclaiming]

UM, LOOK, I JUST GOTTA CHECK
SOMETHING REALLY QUICKLY.

(Iceman)
I'M DONE PLAYING.

HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY
DO TASTE LIKE MY FAVORITE

BREAKFAST SANDWICH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(Ash)
HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS.

IT'S THE BEAUTIFUL-EST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN!

YOU GUYS CAN GO AND DO
WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS
YOU WANNA DO,

BUT I AM GOING
ON THE NEXT PLANE
BACK TO CHICAGO.

(Eli)
I NEED WATER
OR SOME TYPE OF LIQUID.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

SOME TYPE OF LIQUID
OR SOMETHING.

WAIT.

(Nathan)
OH, MY GOD.

OH, LOOK AT THE CLOWN.

I'M SORRY I HAVE
TO DO THIS TO YOU.
THE CLOWN.

I AM SORRY.
WHAT? WHAT?

[groans]

YOU SOBER?

THAT WAS NOT COOL.

DO IT AGAIN.

[screams]

OK?

CALL ME A NAUGHTY WHORE.

I'M JOKING.
(Iceman)
THEY'RE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M READY NOW.
LET'S GO.

I'M READY.

WAIT, NO. HERE,
I KNOW. STEP LIKE THIS. GO.

OH, GOD.

HERE.

THERE YOU GO. GO.

HURRY UP.

SORRY, BUDDY.

OH, MAN.

YEAH.

OH, GOD.

(Ash)
COME ON!
THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER!

OH, GOD,
THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER.

OH! I KNEW IT.
I KNEW IT.

OH, MAN,
FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

WE SHOULDN'T BE OUT
IN THE OPEN LIKE THIS.

WE GOTTA CALL A CAB.
NO RECEPTION.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE
A LONG WALK.

NO, NOT NECESSARILY.
COME ON. COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON.

(Nathan)
OH, WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE DEAD.

DON'T RUN.

EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU
COULD GIVE US A RIDE?

DAMN! BOYS,
DON'T BE SNEAKING UP
ON ELVIS LIKE THAT.

(Z Bob)
YOU'RE ELVIS?

(Eli)
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
IS THAT SPAGHETTI?

OF COURSE IT IS.
I'M THE WORLD FAMOUS

SPAGHETTI-WRESTLING SHE-ELVIS.

YOU MEAN YOU BOYS
NEVER HEARD OF ME?

HEY, YOU BOYS HEAR
A CASINO GOT ROBBED TONIGHT?

(Nathan)
UH, CAN'T SAY WE HAVE.
WHAT?

YEAH.

WHAT? WHICH ONE?

THE GOLDEN NUGGET.
YOU KNOW, THE G-NUG.

BAD GUYS GOT $5 MILLION,
RIGHT?

POLICE CAPTURED THEM,
KILLED EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF THEM.

$5 MILLION?

YEAH. HERE'S THE PISSER.

THEY DIDN'T RECOVER
ONE RED CENT OF THAT CASH.

(Eli)
THAT'S HIM. THAT'S HIM.

OH, SHIT.

(Johnny C)
WE GOTTA HIDE.
WE GOTTA HIDE.

YOU'RE CHUCK LIDDELL,
THE ICEMAN.

SPAGHETTI. SPAGHETTI.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO.

[all yelling]

COVER ME.

(woman)
COAST IS CLEAR.

YOU BOYS CAN COME UP
FOR AIR NOW.

YOU KNOW, I SURE HATE
TO DO THIS TO YOU BOYS

BUT I'M HAVING
SOME REAL BAD MONEY PROBLEMS.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

[Eli yells]

I AM.

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND SAY SHE'S SERIOUS.

(Z Bob)
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

GET OUT OF THE TRUCK,
EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.

FILL THIS BAG.

NOW!

(all)
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
OK. OK. OK. OK.

(Z Bob)
OK, HERE, GRAB MY HAND.

COME ON, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

MONEY? CELL PHONES?

YOU WANT THE BEADS, TOO?

YOU WANT THE BEADS, TOO?

IN THE BAG.
YOU DON'T NEED THE--

PUT THE BEADS IN THE BAG!

MY MAMA GAVE ME THESE BEADS.

I PUT ALL MY CHANGE
AT THE VENDING MACHINE.

ALL OF IT!
THERE YOU GO.

DO IT!
(Eli)
OK.

(Eli)
SHE'S READY...

DON'T SHOOT ME.

THANK YOU FOR
YOUR COOPERATION.

IS THIS TOWN GREAT OR WHAT?

(Nathan)
THAT'S IT! ENOUGH! OK?

WHAT DID I DO, HUH?

WHAT DID I DO THAT
WAS SO POSSIBLY WRONG?

WELL, YOU DID PUT Z BOB
IN CHARGE.

OH, DUDE, COME ON,
LIKE IT'S MY FAULT

WE'RE BEING CHASED AROUND
BY SOME ULTIMATE FIGHTER GUY?

HOW COULD I HAVE
POSSIBLY KNOWN

THAT CANDY JUGGS HAD
A JEALOUS BOYFRIEND

WHO WAS GONNA COME
AND TRY TO KILL US?

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
CARMINE T. ANGELO

WAS REALLY DOMINIC CALCUTTA,
THE CASINO THIEF GUY?

WELL, HOW WAS I
SUPPOSED TO KNOW

THAT THOSE 2 TWINS
WAS GONNA JUMP OUT

AND SHOOT ME IN MY ASS?

NO OFFENSE, GUYS,
BUT THIS IS THE WORST
BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND EVER.

I GUESS I GOTTA GET
USED TO THE FACT THAT

I'M NEVER GONNA BE
AS COOL AS MY BROTHERS.

Z BOB, NEWS FLASH.

YOUR BROTHERS
AREN'T THAT COOL.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOU, HEY,
NO WONDER I'M GETTING MARRIED.

I GOT SPAGHETTI IN MY ASS.

RIGHT--RIGHT DOWN
THE CRACK OF MY ASS.

(Z Bob)
OH, DUDE.

(Nathan)
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

OH, FUCK. OK, GO.

THERE THEY ARE.
LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.

(Nathan)
THE DOOR IS LOCKED, COME ON.

(Ash)
DUDE, COME ON.

(Z Bob)
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

ONE MORE.

(Ash)
CLOSE THE DOOR.

(Iceman)
CHECK EVERY ONE
OF THESE DOORS.

THEY CAN RUN,
BUT THEY CAN'T HIDE.

[motorcycle engines starting]

YEAH, THEY'RE GONE.
SSH.

THEY'RE GONE, NATHAN.

(Nathan)
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

THEY COULD
STILL BE OUT THERE.

*[music playing]

COME ON, DUDE.

SORRY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF THEY WERE HERE,
WE'D ALREADY BE DEAD.

(Nathan)
OH, NOW WHAT?

IT'S, UH, IT'S LOCKED
FROM THE OUTSIDE.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

[exclaims]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY FAN OUT,
AND WE'LL JUST FIND THE LIGHT

SO WE CAN TELL WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON AROUND HERE.

OF COURSE.

[clattering]

NATHAN, NATHAN, HEY, HEY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
I GOT THIS. I GOT THIS.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

[Johnny C yelling]

[Johnny C groaning]
YEAH, YOU'VE GOT IT,
ALL RIGHT.

(Nathan)
YOU OK?

NEVER BETTER. THANKS.

GOOD. NOW, LOOK,
THERE'S GOTTA BE
ANOTHER WAY OUT.

(Eli)
COME ON.

COME ON, OPEN.

OPEN, 'CAUSE I'M HERCULES,
I'M STRONG.

OR NOT.

LOOK, IF YOU GUYS
DON'T WANNA TALK TO ME

AFTER THIS WEEKEND,
I UNDERSTAND.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

THIS WEEKEND AND
EVERYTHING ELSE
I SCREWED UP.

I MEAN, IF I WERE YOU,
I WOULDN'T WANNA BE
FRIENDS WITH ME, EITHER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT US.

IF WE WOULD'VE
STOPPED BEING FRIENDS

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING
YOU SCREWED UP,

WE WOULD'VE DONE IT
A LONG TIME AGO.

YEAH, BUT I'M A TOTAL LOSER.

WHAT AM I?

LOOK, NATHAN,
I UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

IF I WERE YOU,
I'D DO IT, TOO.

MAYBE I'M SCARED
I'D NEVER MEET MY LISA,
OR MY HALF-AS-COOL-AS-LISA.

MAYBE I'M SCARED
OF BEING ALONE.

WHO ISN'T, BRO, YOU KNOW?

TO TELL THE TRUTH,
I'VE ALWAYS KIND OF
EXPECTED TO END UP ALONE.

I MEAN, I'M NOT THE MOST
STUDLY GUY IN THE UNIVERSE.

YOU'RE SMART THOUGH, MAN.
WOMEN LIKE THAT.

HE'S NOT THAT SMART.

WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T
CHEAT ON MY S.A.T.s.

NEITHER DID I.

WHY LIE?

SAME REASON YOU TRIED TO JOIN
THE MILE HIGH CLUB.

WE ALL TRY TO BE
SOMETHING WE'RE NOT.

THAT DID COUNT.
NO.

YOU KNOW IT DID.

NO.
IT DIDN'T?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I DIDN'T HAVE SEX
EARLIER TONIGHT.

I ONLY PRETENDED TO
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT
TO DISAPPOINT YOU GUYS.

YOU MEAN TO TELL US
THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN

TAKE THE LITTLE 2 FINGERS
DOWNSTAIRS

AND PLAY WITH
THE LITTLE BATHING SUIT AREA?

WE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME.

WE DID?

YEAH, WE DID.

BUT WE APPRECIATED THE EFFORT,

SO WE WEREN'T
GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS WASN'T

SUCH A BAD BACHELOR PARTY
WEEKEND AFTER ALL, HUH?

NO, LET'S BE HONEST.
IT SUCKED.

OK.

MAN, I'M STARVING.

FIRST THING I'M GONNA EAT
WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE

IS PRIME RIB, MASHED POTATOES,

CANDIED YAMS,
SMOTHERED WITH GRAVY. YES.

I'M GONNA TOP THAT.
I'M GONNA HAVE MYSELF

A GALLON OF
COOKIE-DOUGH ICE CREAM

WITH A NICE BIG CHOCOLATE
CHIP COOKIE ON TOP.

OK.

I'M GONNA DIP IT
IN THE COOKIE DOUGH--
IT'S MY TURN.

OH, MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

$0.99 SHRIMP COCKTAIL,
6 TINY LITTLE SHRIMPS

THE LITTLE
FACTORY-PROCESSED ONES?

(Johnny C)
SHRIMP.

[snoring]

(Z Bob)
I MAY HAVE SCREWED UP A LOT
OF THINGS IN THE LAST 4 YEARS

[echoing]
BUT THIS WEEKEND
WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.

HEY, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS MY BUDDY NATHAN.

AND IT'S HIS LAST WEEKEND
AS A SINGLE GUY.

SAY NO MORE.

(Nathan)
YES! YES!

WELL, THANKS FOR
THE GREAT BACHELOR PARTY.

I'M GOING HOME NOW.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

(Z Bob)
YES.

OH, NO, NO, NO, HEY.

EXCUSE ME,
WHY ARE WE SHIFTING TO HIM?
THIS IS MY DREAM.

ALL RIGHT, THE PANTIES,
BUT CAN WE SEE WHAT THEY
CAME OFF OF?

(Nathan)
WAKE UP.

NO, NO, DON'T WAKE ME UP.

NO. NO,
I HAVEN'T GOT LAID YET.

YOU CAN'T WAKE-- DON'T
WAKE-- DON'T WAKE ME UP.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

(Nathan)
COME ON, WAKE UP.

GET YOUR ASS UP. COME ON.

GET YOUR... WAKE UP.

COME ON. WAKE UP.
(Nathan)
WAKE UP, COME ON.

WHOEVER IS PISSING ON ME
IS A DEAD MAN.

GET UP.

WHERE'D YOU GET A MOP?

I FOUND A BUCKET OUTSIDE.

OUTSIDE?

(Nathan)
ASH, WAKE UP.

ASH, WAKE UP.

I'M UP.

LOOK, I FOUND A BACK DOOR.

LET'S GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE.

HEY, ELI.
I FOUND A WAY OUT.

YOU'RE CLEAN.

YEAH, THERE'S A MOP
AND BUCKET OUT BACK.

[spluttering]

OH, GOD.

[moaning]

HEY, WHAT THE--

THERE WE GO.
GET ME OFF. GET IT OFF.

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH,
OH, YEAH.

HARDER, HARDER,
HARDER, HARDER.

OH, MY GOD.

NO, NO, IT'S A MOP, DUDE.
IT'S A MOP, MOP.

ALL RIGHT.

JESUS. FOR A SECOND,
MAN, I THOUGHT...

I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND...

RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, HERE WE GO, DUDE.

THERE WE GO.

OH, YEAH.

RELAX, E,
THERE'S NO DOG.

THERE WE GO.

[growling]

SO, ELI, YOU FIGURED OUT
HOW WE'RE GONNA
GET OUT OF HERE?

WE'RE COMPLETELY FENCED IN,
AND WE'RE SURROUNDED
BY RAZOR WIRE.

YOU'RE NOT THINKIN'
WE'RE ACTUALLY

GONNA CLIMB THAT FENCE,
DO YOU?

NO.

JOHNNY?

(Z Bob)
HEY, JOHNNY C,
YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

JOHNNY,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?

DUDE, ARE YOU OK?

[Johnny C screaming]

[all screaming]

[laughs]

YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

(Johnny C)
COME ON.

(Eli)
HEY, YOU GUYS,
YOU DON'T THINK

THERE'S ANY RATS
DOWN HERE, DO YOU?

(Ash)
ELI, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,
COULD YOU JUST NOT BE A GIRL?

(Z Bob)
WHAT THE FUCK IS...

PLEASE,
DON'T TELL ME THERE'S
ANY HEADS IN THERE, OK?

WELL?

YOU CAN RELAX, ELI.
IT'S NOT SEVERED HEADS.

HOLY...
SHIT!

OH, MY GOD!

YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT THIS IS, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE MONEY
THAT WAS STOLEN
FROM THE CASINO LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S $5 MILLION.

THE PEOPLE
THAT STOLE THIS--

THEY'RE ALL DEAD!

WHICH MEANS
WE'RE THE ONLY ONES
WHO KNOW WHERE THIS IS.

YES!
HOLY SHIT!

OH, MY GOD!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS MEANS?
WE'RE RICH!

CALM DOWN.
WE'RE RICH!

(Ash)
WHOA!

(Eli)
WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT?

HOLD UP.

JUST, LET'S THINK
ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND.

JUST CALM DOWN
AND JUST TRY TO
THINK ABOUT IT.

OK?
OK. YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE ARE A LOT
OF PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT WOULD KILL
FOR THIS MUCH MONEY.

AM I RIGHT?
I THINK HE'S RIGHT.

WHAT THE--

WHOEVER'S NOT COMFORTABLE
TAKING THE MONEY

SHOULDN'T BE
FORCED INTO TAKING IT.

I'M SURE THE REST OF US
WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO SPLIT UP YOUR SHARE

OF $5 MILLION!

$5 MILLION!
HOLY SHIT!

[screaming]

(Ash)
THERE IS $1 MILLION HERE
FOR EACH OF US.

LET'S KEEP MOVING.

1, 2, 3.

[groans]

(Johnny C)
COMING UP.

COMING UP.

[grunting]

MAN.
GOT HIM.

(Z Bob)
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEBODY
HAD ASKED ME YESTERDAY,

IF I'D GO THROUGH EVERYTHING

THAT WE WENT THROUGH
FOR $1 MILLION,
I'D SAY, HELL, YES.

AND THE THINGS
THAT I'M GONNA DO
WITH THIS MONEY.

2 WORDS FOR YOU FELLAS,

MUTUAL FUNDS.

(Johnny C)
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO
WITH MY SHARE OF THE MONEY?

ON RUSH STREET
I'M GONNA OPEN UP
THE--THE JOHNNY C'S BRA SHOP.

BUT IN THE BACK,
IT'LL BE LIKE A STRIP CLUB.

(Ash)
WITH THIS MONEY
I'M MOVING TO JAMAICA

AND BUY A BIG-ASS FIELD.

I AIN'T GONNA
WASTE MY PLANTS.

FUCK IT, THE MALE
PLANTS GET SMOKED, TOO.

(Nathan)
I'M GONNA GIVE LISA
THE BEST WEDDING EVER.

AND SCREW OUR HONEYMOON.
I MEAN, HAWAII? SCREW THAT.

I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA
TAKE A WEEK OFF WORK,

AND WE'LL GO TO...
NO, I'LL TAKE A YEAR OFF.

OH, SHIT.

YEAH, IT'S OFFICIAL.
I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

NOT IF I'M IN PRISON.

HEY, FOR THE RECORD,
MEN IN PRISON
GET MARRIED EVERY DAY.

IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE COMFORTING?

RELAX. RELAX GUYS.
NOBODY'S GOING TO JAIL.

WELL, THAT'S ALL
I'M DOING IS WALKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
ALL I'M DOING IS WALKING
RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M JUST WALKING.

JUST WALKING.
WALKING.

[siren wailing]

WE'RE RUNNING.

ALL RIGHT, RUN!
I LIED, RUN!

GUYS!

YOU CAN'T RUN
FROM THE POLICE!

OH, MY GOD!

OK, GET DOWN.

DON'T MOVE!

STAY RIGHT THERE.

(officer #1)
OK. OK. DON'T MOVE.

FACE-DOWN.
(officer #2)
STAY RIGHT THERE.

(Johnny C)
MAN--

(boys)
WE KNOW. FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

YOU SAID YOUR IDENTIFICATION
IS WHERE AGAIN?

LIKE I TOLD YOU,
MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.

BY A FEMALE
ELVIS IMPERSONATOR?
YES.

SHE'S ALSO
A SPAGHETTI WRESTLER.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,
A VERY FAMOUS ONE.

UH-HUH.

SHE'S SO FAMOUS,
HOW COME I HAVEN'T
HEARD OF HER?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN THAT PART OF TOWN?

WE GOT LOST.

YOU DIDN'T STOP BY
THE SET OF A PORNO MOVIE,
DID YOU?

US? NO.
JEEZ, I MEAN, I WISH.

[stammering]
WHY DO YOU ASK?

BECAUSE THE PRODUCER,
NAMED HARRY HARD

AND HIS SECURITY GUARD,
WERE BEATEN TO DEATH
BY A MANIAC.

ARE YOU HONESTLY
GONNA TRY TO TELL ME
THAT YOU GUYS ARE IN TOWN

FOR A BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND?

WHICH ONE OF YOU
WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE GETTING MARRIED?

I AM. AT LEAST, I WAS.

WELL, TELL ME ABOUT HER,
YOUR FIANCEE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
SHE'S--SHE'S SMART,
SHE'S FUNNY.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER
THE FIRST TIME I MET HER.

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT GIRL.

SHE IS.

TRUTH IS,
LISA DESERVES BETTER THAN ME.

WELL, I'VE NEVER MET HER,
BUT I--I GOTTA SAY,
I AGREE WITH YOU.

DO YOU MIND EXPLAINING TO ME
HOW A SUPPOSED BACHELOR PARTY

TURNED INTO ONE OF
THE BIGGEST ROBBERIES
IN THE HISTORY OF LAS VEGAS?

WE FOUND THE MONEY.

WE HAD NOTHIN'
TO DO WITH THE ROBBERY.

THAT'S NOT WHAT THE OWNERS
OF THE GOLDEN NUGGET SAY.

WHAT?

HE SAID THE 5 OF YOU

INTENTIONALLY TRIED
TO DISTRACT HIM
AND HIS SECURITY STAFF.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IS IT? 12 PEOPLE
ID'D YOU AT THE SCENE.

12 PEOPLE MAKE A JURY.

YOU BETTER THINK ABOUT THAT.

HE SAID HIS NAME
WAS CARMINE T. ANGELO.

AND YOU HAD NO IDEA
THAT IT WAS DOMINIC CALCUTTA?

HE SAID HE WAS
AN ASSOCIATE OF MR. KIDD.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

YOU KNEW HIM?

MR. KIDD THREW MY
BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

THAT'S GREAT.

IT WAS ONE HELL
OF A GREAT TIME.

I'M SURE IT WAS.

I GOTTA SAY THAT IT WAS
PROBABLY THE GREATEST
WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.

HE MADE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS
AND EVERYTHING.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
BACKSTAGE PASSES
TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON.

DID YOU GET TO
SEE WAYNE'S SHOW?

NO.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

FOR MY MONEY,
WAYNE PUTS ON
THE BEST SHOW IN TOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST SAY
THAT I BELIEVE YOU
FOR A SECOND.

NOW YOU TELL ME,
WHY WOULD SOMEONE
PLANNING TO ROB A CASINO

PRETEND TO BE
A BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER?

TO SET US UP, I GUESS.

WELL, I GUESS IT WORKED,
DIDN'T IT?

THAT'S IT, MAN.
I'M DONE TALKING.

I'M NOT SAYING ANOTHER THING
WITHOUT MY LAWYER.

ALL RIGHT,
HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

BUT I'M SURE
YOU'LL TALK TO THE FEDS.

LOOK, I SAID...
WAIT.

WHY WOULD I BE
TALKING TO THE FEDS?

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR.

F.B.I. AGENT WORKING
UNDERCOVER INSIDE
THE GOLDEN NUGGET

WAS KILLED LAST NIGHT
IN THE ROBBERY.

YOU FELLAS ARE LOOKING
AT A MINIMUM

OF CONSPIRACY
TO COMMIT MURDER
OF A FEDERAL OFFICER.

THAT'S MANDATORY TIME
IN A FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

THIS JUST CAN'T
GET ANY WORSE.

OH, YEAH?

YOU EVER DONE ANY TIME?

[stammering]
CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE, NO.

YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED
IN THE ASS?

EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE.

OH, YOU BLEED LIKE SHIT
THE FIRST TIME.

BUT YOU GET USED TO IT.

YOU GET USED TO A LOT
OF THINGS IN PRISON.

LIKE HEARING
THE SCREAMS OF DEATH
OF SOME POOR FOOL

ECHOING THROUGH
THE COLD NIGHT AIR.

WHILE YOU TRYING
TO JERK OFF

FOR THE 3RD TIME THAT DAY.

WONDER WHY EVERY NOW AND THEN

YOU FIND YOURSELF
THINKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER.

YOU BOYS EVER DONE ANY TIME?

JUST SAY YES.

[phone ringing]

STONE.
CHUCK LIDDELL, HOW ARE YOU?

LISTEN,
THANKS FOR THOSE SEATS
THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE FIGHT.

LOIS AND I HAD A GREAT TIME.

YOU SMELL GOOD.

YOU SO PRETTY.

BACHELOR PARTY T-SHIRTS, HUH?

OK. THANKS FOR
THE INFORMATION, CHUCK.

WE'RE JUST ONE HAPPY FAMILY.

OK, BOYS, IT'S TIME TO GO.

TIME TO GO.
NO.

SEE YOU.

LET HIM GO!

(Eli)
NO!

YOU CAN RUN,
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE.

YOU COME ON BACK
AND SEE GOLD TOOTH REAL SOON!

GOLD TOOTH GONNA FIND YOU!

NO, OFFICER STONE,
I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU.

WHY WOULD I WANNA
TALK TO YOU?

I WANNA TALK TO MY LAWYER.

WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY
IS YOU'RE GONNA TALK
TO YOUR DADDY'S LAWYER.

WELL, HERE'S THE NEWS
FOR YOUR DADDY'S LAWYER.

HE'S GONNA BE VERY EXPENSIVE
WHEN HE HAS TO TALK TO
THE F.B.I.

DADDY'S NOT GONNA LIKE THAT.
SO GOOD LUCK.

NEXT CUSTOMER.

(Z Bob)
HOW THE HELL DID THINGS
GET THIS BAD?

(Johnny C)
I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

IF I'D HAVE LET NATHAN
GO TO THE AIRPORT
WHEN HE WANTED TO,

WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

(Nathan)
DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

I GUILTED YOU INTO STAYING.
YOU KNOW THAT.

(Ash)
WE ALL DID.

(Nathan)
HEY, IF THIS IS
ANYBODY'S FAULT, IT'S MINE.

(Z Bob)
HOW EXACTLY
IS THIS YOUR FAULT?

BECAUSE,
IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH,

I DIDN'T WANT
A WILD AND CRAZY
BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

SAME REASON YOU LIED ABOUT
CHEATING ON YOUR S.A.T.s.

I WAS TRYING TO BE
SOMETHING I'M NOT.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

OH, MY GOD.

PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME
THAT'S WHO I THINK IT IS.

OK, I NEED WEED, NOW!

(guard)
TRANSPORT 1-9, WE HAVE
AN EMERGENCY SITUATION.

REPEAT, EMERGENCY.

TRAVELING WITH 5 SUSPECTS
IN A CASINO ROBBERY
EAST ON HIGHWAY--

[gun firing]

[tires screeching]

(Eli)
IT'S A FUCKING SHOTGUN!

[gun firing continues]

WE'RE GONNA DIE.
WE'RE GONNA DIE, GUYS.

WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

HOW'S IT GOING
BACK THERE, FELLAS?

GUESS YOU FIGURED OUT
WHO REALLY KILLED HARRY.
HAVEN'T YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?

I GOTTA FRAME SOMEBODY.

RELAX.

THE ONLY THING EACH OF YOU
HAS TO DECIDE

IS HOW YOU WANNA DIE.

WHAT?

UH, I'LL TAKE
OVERDOSING ON VIAGRA

WITH TEENAGE NYMPHOS
WHEN I'M 90, PLEASE.

NOT ONE OF YOUR OPTIONS.

OK, HOW ABOUT THIS?
HOW ABOUT JUST
A STRAIGHT-UP OVERDOSE?

NO.

OK, FINE. WHAT THE HELL
ARE OUR CHOICES?

GETTING CHOPPED UP
INTO BITTY PIECES,

BEING BURNED ALIVE,

BEING BURIED ALIVE,
GETTING EATEN ALIVE

AND DROWNING.

YOU'RE GONNA EAT US?

NOT ME, YOU SICKO.
MY DOGS ARE.

AND ONLY ONE OF YOU.

EACH OF YOU GETS TO DIE
A DIFFERENT WAY.

YOU CHOOSE.
OR I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

OH, GOD.

WONDER WHAT KIND
OF DOGS HE HAS.

*[rock music playing]

[tires screeching]

[all exclaiming]

JESUS.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE?

HELL WOULD BE A FAIR GUESS.

(man)
WHEN I OPEN THIS DOOR,
COME OUTSIDE.

GET OUT OF THERE.

(Z Bob)
TAKE IT EASY, MAN.

(Ash)
OK, I'M GETTING OUT.

TAKE THIS OFF.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?

[groaning]
SHUT YOUR HOLE.

(Eli)
FOR THE RECORD,
WE'VE ALREADY SEEN YOUR FACES

SO THE HOODS ARE KIND
OF POINTLESS, RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA KILL YOU.
WE'RE JUST GONNA WATCH.

(Z Bob)
DUDE, YOU LIKE TO WATCH?
I LOVE TO WATCH.

THAT MEANS WE TOTALLY HAVE
SO MUCH IN COMMON.

THE MORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

THE LONGER
I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER.

(Eli)
ARE WE IN AN ELEVATOR?

(Z Bob)
WE'RE GOING UP.

I DECIDED TO SEE IF
ONE OF YOU COULD FLY.

(Nathan)
THAT WASN'T
ONE OF THE CHOICES.

CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

UNCUFF ME AND FIND OUT.

IS THAT SO,
BACHELOR BOY?

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

(Eli)
OH, SHIT.

(Nathan)
COME ON,
TAKE THIS FUCKING HOOD OFF.

[boys yelling]

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

COME ON, ASSHOLES!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[all cheering]

*[pop music playing]

ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS!

I KNEW IT. I DID.
NO, THIS IS AWESOME.

THAT'S INSANE.
JAIME PRESSLY'S HERE.

GENTLEMEN.

MY REAL NAME IS MR. KIDD.

WELCOME TO NATHAN'S
BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

YOU ARE NOW PART

OF ONE OF
THE LONGEST-RUNNING SECRETS
IN THE HISTORY OF LAS VEGAS.

THE FIRST THING YOU
SHOULD KNOW IS THAT

NONE OF YOU WERE EVER
IN ANY REAL DANGER.

NO ONE ACTUALLY DIED.

NO ONE WAS EVER EVEN HURT.

ME OR SOMEONE
FROM OUR STAFF WAS

IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION
WITH EVERYONE

YOU ENCOUNTERED
ALONG THE WAY.

THE 2ND IS A MESSAGE
FROM Z BOB'S BROTHER.

AND IT READS...

HOW WAS WAYNE NEWTON,
BY THE WAY?

"WE CAN ONLY HOPE
YOU ENJOYED YOURSELVES
AS MUCH AS WE DID

"WHEN WE WERE IN YOUR SHOES.

"EACH OF YOU IS
NOW ONE OF US.

"FOR THE SAKE OF
THOSE WHO WILL FOLLOW,
PLEASE NEVER FORGET

COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE."

THANK YOU.

I KNOW.
(Ash)
Z?

(Z Bob)
YEAH?
YO.

YOUR BROTHERS ARE COOL.
I TAKE IT BACK.
THEY'RE COOL.

EVERY BACHELOR PARTY
THAT I ORCHESTRATE
IS DIFFERENT.

BUT WE COULD NOT DO IT
WITHOUT THE FULL COOPERATION

OF THE GOOD PEOPLE
OF LAS VEGAS

AND MY VERY DEAR FRIEND,
THE MAYOR.

WHILE EVERY ADVENTURE
IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER,
THE POINT IS ALWAYS THE SAME.

YOUNG MEN COME HERE,
THINKING THAT
A BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND

IS ALL ABOUT PUSHING
THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCHING
THEIR MORAL CODES.

AND WHILE IT IS,

WHAT IT REALLY IS ABOUT,
IS FRIENDSHIP.

THE FRIENDSHIP
AMONG THE 5 OF YOU,

THE BONDS
THAT YOU HAVE FORGED,

THAT YOU ARE SO WORRIED
THAT WILL CHANGE

NOW THAT ONE OF YOU
IS GETTING MARRIED.

AND THE REALITY IS,
THE BONDS WILL CHANGE.

THAT'S LIFE.

A WEDDING IS
WHEN A FATHER GIVES
AWAY HIS DAUGHTER.

BUT A BACHELOR PARTY

IS WHEN A GROUP OF GUYS
GIVE AWAY THEIR BEST FRIEND.

WELL, NOW YOU CAN,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SHARED
ONE FINAL ADVENTURE.

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

BECAUSE YOU
HAVE ALREADY SHARED
THE GREATEST THING THERE IS.

FRIENDSHIP.

LET ME REMIND YOU THAT,
OFFICIALLY,

THE MAIN EVENT HAS
NOT EVEN STARTED YET.

YOU STILL HAVE
A PARTY TO ATTEND,
WHICH WILL BEGIN SHORTLY

AS SOON AS YOUR
FRIENDS ARRIVE.
ALL RIGHT.

FOR NOW, I SUGGEST YOU GUYS
GO TAKE A SHOWER.

TRUST ME, YOU NEED IT.

WHEN YOU RETURN, JOHNNY C...
HUH?

...PRIME RIB,
MASHED POTATOES, GRAVY.
OH.

EVERYTHING YOU WANT.

ASH, A GALLON OF
COOKIE-DOUGH ICE CREAM.

ELI, SHRIMP COCKTAIL.
ALL YOU DESIRE.

AND Z BOB,
GUESS WHAT I GOT FOR YOU.

WHAT?

[people yelling]

*[rap music playing]

HAS THIS BEEN
HERE THE WHOLE TIME?

WHAT?

THIS CAMERA.

WHAT CAMERA?

I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE

[laughing]
TO WATCH ME DO TO HER FIRST?

VERY GRACEFUL.
THOSE DANCE LESSONS
ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.

I JUST, UM...

[grunting]

*[The Catwalk
by The Frank Popp Ensemble
playing]

* TIRED OF WAITING,
I HAVE TO PREPARE *

* TO GET MY ASS
INTO THE RAGS I WEAR *

* A WELL ATTENDED
FASHION SHOW *

* I SEE MY BABY SITTING
IN THE FRONT ROW *

* CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK,
FLASH, FLASH, FLASH *

* I'M GETTING DAZZLED
WHILE THEY STARE AT MY FLESH *

* CAN'T SEE NO EDGES,
OH, WHAT CAN I DO? *

* GOT NO IDEA
SO I'M LOOKING AT YOU *

* I'M STRUTTING FURTHER,
STRUTTING FURTHER *

* STRUTTING FURTHER

OH!

ASSHOLE!

* STRUTTING ON THE CATWALK

* I THINK I GOT IT ALL DOWN

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

WE COULD OFFER A HIGHLIGHTER
I-INSTEAD OF THE DILDO.
SAME FUNCTION.

TOO SMALL?

YOU SURE HAVEN'T SEEN
THESE HIGHLIGHTERS, MY LADY.

DO YOU STILL
HAVE THAT PICKLE?

I ATE IT THIS MORNING.

* BACKSTAGE AGAIN
I PUT ANOTHER DRESS ON *

* SOMEBODY CALLS ME,
YOUR MOM'S ON THE PHONE *

* I'M SORRY, HONEY,
YOUR RABBIT IS DEAD *

* DADDY WAS HUNGRY,
THE TASTE WAS NOT BAD *

I SAID MY LAST LINE,
YOU CAN GO NOW!

* I HAVE TO KEEP ON
WITH THE FASHION GAME *

* I'M SO CONFUSED,
I'M BLINDED AGAIN *

* I HAVE TO WALK STRAIGHT
AND LOOK FOR MY MAN *

* I'M STRUTTING FURTHER,
STRUTTING FURTHER *

* STRUTTING FURTHER

HEY!

HEY!

KEEP THE SHIT COMING!

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

* IT'S ON THE CATWALK

* WHERE I'VE BEEN
LOSING MY SIGHT *

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

NEVER.

NONE OF US ARE GONNA
FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.

NEVER. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER.

STOP.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

* STRUTTING FURTHER

* STRUTTING FURTHER

I'M STARVING.

[mumbling]

SORRY.

PRIME--

[people laughing]

STOP IT, STOP IT. "GOOSEFABA,
GOOSEFABA, GOOSEFABA,
GOOSEFABA."

(director)
READY AND ACTION.

I TRIED. I REALLY TRIED.

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

* NO, NO, NO,
IT'S ON THE CATWALK *

* I THINK I GOT IT ALL DOWN

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

* TILL NOW, DID I MAKE
A FOOL OF MYSELF *

* IT'S ON THE CATWALK

* WHERE I'VE BEEN
LOSING MY SIGHT *

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

* I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE,
NO, NO *

OOH, CAN I ASK YOU
BOYS SOMETHING?

(Ash)
ANYTHING.

DID ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO BRING
A DILDO WITH YOU?

(Z Bob)
WAIT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YES.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA DO
A DILDO SHOW FOR YOU.

(man)
BRING IN THE DILDO.

[people laughing]