All language subtitles for Top Gear - S02E01.eng

On tonight's
Top Gear,

Richard Hammond
in a V8 tumble dryer.

The classiest way
to bankrupt yourself.

And we turn up the heat
on the world's dullest car.

Hello, and may I say
how nice it is to be back,

especially as 2003 is likely
to be a vintage year for cars.

Honestly, you will not believe
the list of what's coming.

And it's not all big expensive,
tyre-shredding stuff either.

There's a trend towards
small, affordable, fun cars,

stuff that looks good
at four mph in a traffic jam.

I mean, take this
Volkswagen Beetle Cabriolet.

It's a prime example. Okay?

I mean, it's not
the fastest car in the world.

Not even the fastest car in this
part of the studio, to be honest.

And the roof folding
arrangement is a bit... unfortunate.

But it has four seats, it
costs £15,000, and look at it!

And then there's
the Ford StreetKa.

Now, this has
a top speed of 12.5 mph.

But that's okay,
because it only costs 12.5p.

The most intriguing car,
though, is that.

It's the Smart Roadster.

Now, some cars
are rock'n'roll.

Some cars are
the 1812 Overture.

This is a pop video.

In the trendiest parts
of the trendiest postcodes

of the trendiest city
in Britain,

this car looks sensational.

And because it's only £13,500,
no one thinks you're a rich git.

It's the kind of car that makes
people go, "Ah!", rather than "Ugh!"

The thing is, though, if fashion
accessories are going to work,

they have to have
a real-world application.

A watch, for example. It's no
good at being just pretty watch,

it has to work in space.

A Range Rover has to work on
an Alp, even if you live in Kettering.

A training shoe
has to work in the gym,

even if you never
get out of the pub.

So it's no good the Smart
being all rinky-dinky in Camden.

If it's gonna have
any street cred whatsoever,

it has to work out here.

It's got to be
a proper sports car.

So is it?

On paper,
things don't look brilliant.

It may make
all the right growly noises,

but it's powered
by a 3-cylinder, 600cc engine.

My Moulinex Magimix
has a bigger motor than that.

Sure, the Smart
has a turbo charger,

but you still only get 80 bhp.
So this, then, is not a fast car.

In fact, it has exactly the
same top speed as Henry VIII.

In terms of acceleration,
you go from 0-60, but only just.

I tried timing it, but after
11 seconds, I got bored.

Then you've got the

6-speed sequential
Formula One-style gearbox,

which operates exactly like one of
those new-fangled digital cameras,

you know, where you push the
button, and then 10 seconds later,

just as your subject moves
away, it takes the picture.

Ready, foot down...

And here we go.

Useless!

It rather looks, then, like

the Smart Roadster misses
the sports car mark by 100 miles.

However, have a look at this.

Push a button...

And the middle part of
the roof

slides back electrically
into a little cubbyhole

in the engine compartment.

And then I simply
take these out,

and obviously the same
on the other side,

and we've got
a full convertible.

However, the weather today
is a bit too British,

so if you don't mind,
I'm just going to, um...

I'll just pop it back.

See ya.

There's more good stuff, too.

This car may not be fast,
but it feels so much more alive

than any million-horsepower
heavyweight BMW.

I wanted to hate it.

I wanted to laugh at its pathetic
performance and call it a wet fraud,

but it's so responsive
and such a giggle

that it puts an enormous
smile on your face!

It's fantastic!

I like the styling,
I like the interior,

I like the traction control,
and the CD player,

and the air conditioning.

I like the way these dials

sprout out of the dashboard.

And I love the space.

I mean, I'm not small,
but look, look at that!

About four inches of
headroom there.

Ooh, and there's
something else.

Remember who it is
that makes Smarts?

You can buy one of these things
and tell people that you drive

a mid-engine,
rear-wheel drive,

turbo-charged, convertible
Mercedes Benz.

Mercedes own Smart. They may make
them in France, but this is a Mercedes.

And there's more. It's cheap to
insure, it does 40 miles to the gallon,

and it costs almost nothing to replace
those plastic body panels if you crash.

Not that it goes fast enough
to have a crash.

So, it works.

It's a fashion accessory, it's
a piece of automotive jewellry,

and it's like those light, whizzy
sports cars from the '50s and '60s,

Austin Healeys and Triumph
TRs and MGs and so on.

It's a proper, undiluted,
sports car.

- I wouldn't buy one.
- I thought you liked it.

I do. But I'm going to outline
now a few problems, okay?

We'll start with the boot.

There isn't one!
I mean, there isn't one.

- It's under here.
- No, there's no point looking. That's your lot.

It's basically a sort of baking
tray above the engine, really.

It's okay if you've got a handful of
roast potatoes to carry around with you,

- but otherwise, useless.
- Yeah.

However, look at this.

This is the Smart
Roadster Coupe.

Same engine, same roof
arrangement, same everything.

But if we open the back...

Enough space for a whole
sack full of King Edwards!

There you go, then. That's
your car, what's your problem?

- Nope, I wouldn't buy this either.
- Because?

I'll tell you why, okay?

You can buy one of these
with left-hand drive in Britain,

you don't have to go to
Germany or Luxemburg for it,

left-hand drive,
for less than £10,000.

It's not quite as powerful
as the British ones,

and you don't get quite
so many toys, but...

Why are we paying
half as much again

to have the steering wheel on our
side? The right side, the proper side.

I mean, I love the car, I just don't
like being ripped off by Germans.

It's made in France.
It's made in France!

Yeah, Vichy France.

The thing for me is still that
gearbox. It's just hopeless.

The moment builds up,
the revs rise,

- you hit the lever, and...
- it pauses with you and waits.

Nothing happens for so long.

The thing is it's a gearbox.

- Okay? It has one job to do. One job.
- Exactly.

Pull the lever... "Am I a
pencil? Am I a cauliflower?

"Am I a nuclear power sta... I'm a gearbox!
Oh, heavens, I must swap some cogs around!"

It takes forever.

Precisely. It's not like
it's working through a list.

And the problem is, you're
gonna be using it a lot,

because obviously with that
buzzy little 600cc engine,

- you're changing gear all the time.
- I was wrong.

Admission time.

- It's actually a 700cc engine, makes all the difference.
- Ah, well...

It's 0.7 of a litre.

Yeah, that is still
very small,

- and it still has Hugh Grant as a gearbox.
- Yeah.

It's a pity, really. 'Cause we
like the Smart, but we think not.

And that gives us
another problem.

Because, you see,
you can't have

the Volkswagen Beetle either.

And let me explain why, okay?

Now, with most convertibles,

the windscreen
is sort of here.

But this is like a convertible
people-carrier!

Got this huge dashboard
that people can play football on.

You need binoculars to see
if the wipers are working!

And that leaves us with
the Ford StreetKa.

Now, it is a very,
very good little car.

It does everything it sets out
to do, and it does it very well.

But you cannot possibly drive
this car if you're a man.

Seriously!

Look, there's a man in the car,
and he's clearly wearing a dress!

Is he not?

Are there any men here who
would think of buying this car?

Precisely.
Would you, anybody?

No!

Okay now, this being
the Top Gear audience,

you're all car enthusiasts,

so I know you haven't got
wives or girlfriends.

So you brought
your sisters with you.

What about the girls?

Hands up, all the girls who
would like to have this car.

Oh, it's sort of...
That's why...

Are there any girls
who wouldn't?

- You?
- I would.

Well, put your hand up, then!
It's not a difficult instruction.

That's the trouble. Brothers
and sisters, they're all related.

I was talking the other day
to a guy from Ford.

I don't know who he was.
Wore a suit.

Had biscuits and meetings.

Anyway, he said 80% of these
are gonna be sold to women.

So who's gonna buy
the other 20%?

So, what does a bloke do if he wants
to buy a two-seater, open-top sports car?

He does what he's being doing for the
last 14 years and buys a Mazda MX-5.

Anyway, the Cool Wall.

Where do these cars go?

And remember, this is nothing to do
with dodgy gearboxes or value for money,

it's just how cool we think
the cars are.

First of all,
the VW Beetle convertible.

Now, that is undeniably,
I'd say, a cool car.

As long as you don't mind
looking like an alien.

Higher, put it higher
than that, actually.

Higher, no. No, up there.

No, actually, I'll tell you
what, move it into Uncool.

- I kinda like it there, personally.
- Oh, okay.

Um, the StreetKa.

Well, yeah, It is very much
not a car for a bloke.

But, nevertheless,
it's a cool car.

- We'd all agreed on that?
- Yes.

We all
agree it's cool.

So that leaves us with
the Smart car.

Anyone got any thoughts?

- Sub Zero.
- Oh, yes!

Hold on a minute,
we think what?

- Sub Zero.
- Sub Zero. Why?

It's the coolest car here.

- The Smart is?
- Easily.

Good man.

- Where's it going?
- Uncool.

- Uncool.
- Sub Zero.

Sub Zero, you're right,
you're wrong, I'm always right.

It's going there
'cause I know everything.

- Always right?
- Yeah.

- Know everything?
- Yeah.

Last series you put the Renault
Avantime, in fact, it's still there,

Sub Zero. There it is.
As far as you can go.

- How many do you think they sold?
- Millions.

Well,
a benchmark...

The Ford Focus last year, they
sold, over 12 months, 150,000.

Now, all right, that's a big
volume car, lots of people buy it,

but it won't be
that big a number.

How many Renault Avantime
do you think they sold?

Give me some numbers.

- Seven!
- Seven? Be sensible, it's a car!

It costs millions of pounds
to develop!

- 12.
- 2,000.

I'll take 2,000, is it?
Little bit adventurous.

- Jeremy?
- I don't know. 1,500.

I'll tell you how many
they sold. 263.

But bear in mind they have 70
dealers who can sell those things.

Now, assuming they would all of had one
to put in the showroom, so knock 70 off.

I make that 193.

That's so disastrous, they've
stopped making it, Jeremy.

- So that I think shows...
- So it's gone?

It doesn't even
exist any more.

- It's gone from our board.
- Yeah.

- No!
- Sorry!

Actually, I don't care. Because I've had
a new idea while we've been off the air.

And it's this. It's the Top
Gear Love and Hate board.

The Love section's
already full,

Kristin Scott Thomas and
Terry-Thomas. Full of Thomases.

It's this bit we're most
interested in.

This is the Hate section.

It's things we hate.

Like, stereos

that have a chummy greeting
when you turn them on.

Why? Why does it have
to say hello?

I just want it to play
Terry Wogan.

Other things we hate.

Obviously, paddle shifts.

Those semi-automatic

gearboxes like Formula One.

Uh, personalised
registration plates.

Yes, we really hate those.

If you've got any ideas

of things that you'd like
to see on our Hate board...

Not Love, that's full
as I've said.

Um, but you wanna
see on the Hate board,

do get in touch on
our international web

which is...

Now, I was thinking the other
day about stuff that I hate.

And I came up with a list.

Whoa, a man can never have
too many lists.

Exactly.

So I made up a list of my
top five worst cars ever.

- That's a good one.
- It is a good one.

- It's a good poser.
- Top five worst cars ever.

Well, here's my list, okay?

In fifth place

is the AMC Pacer.
Look at that.

What a moose!
Ooh, that is a moose.

Interestingly, the doors

on opposite sides
aren't even the same length.

And number four

is the Peel.

What was particularly
good about the Peel

- is it only had one head lamp.
- It did.

So, if you're driving down a road
and you saw one coming toward you,

you think, "That's a
motorbike. Jesus, it's a car!"

In third place,

the Vauxhall Vectra.

- Obviously.
- Well said.

In second place,
the Suzuki X90.

I remember road testing that
on old Top Gear,

and we filmed it all at night

because I didn't want
people to see me in it.

Absolutely, fearsome thing.

- In first place... Well, it's a big question, this.
- Mmm.

My worst car ever.

And I got think, "What are
we actually looking for?"

Well, something like
drizzle, really.

The car equivalent of drizzle.

No. Because there's
something happening.

When it's drizzling,
there's something going on.

We're looking
for worse than that.

It's like those days when you
open the door and you walk out

and there is no weather.

There is only one car
that can manage that.

And it's this.

The Nissan Sunny.

I don't know where to start.
I mean, there are uglier cars.

And there are
worse cars to drive.

But that's the whole point,

it's their badness
that gives them character.

This... This commits the
worst crime of all, blandness.

God gave us, probably celery
as the benchmark of nothingness.

And then amazingly,

mankind improved on that

with this thing.

I hesitate even to call it
an abomination.

It doesn't have
the personality.

Forget redeeming features,

it doesn't have any features.

And here's another thing
I don't get.

Dragsters. I mean, yeah,
it's got a very big engine.

Well, it's a jet engine,
in fact.

And, yeah,
it will do 0-200 mph

in 3.8 seconds.

But it'll struggle to better
100 gallons to the mile,

and every time
you want to get into it,

you've got to split it
in half.

And I don't think
it's even got a reverse gear.

Mind you,

they do have
one useful feature.

Get 'em working.

So...

How much fun was that?

How much fun was that?
Fantastic!

Now, bear in mind we do have a
kind of a theme going this evening.

Jeremy's been looking at the
Smart Roadsters, small cars.

Cheap thrills
is the kind of feel.

Now, that dragster did burn about
100 quids worth of fuel doing that.

And that's about the best 100
quid I think you can possibly spend.

Now, footballers.

The time was, not that I know much
about it, when it was a great game.

The men were men and in
the wall they stood like that

protecting
the important things in life.

Now it's this, "Ooh, mind
my hair! Mind my hair!"

'Cause I've just had it done.

However, my guest tonight

is from those olden days.

He would drive
a large Mercedes to a fight

and occasionally
during that fight

a game of football
might break out.

He's now an actor

and he's got his own
fly-on-the-wall documentary series.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Vinnie Jones!

- Vinnie, how are you?
- How are ya?

Have a seat.

Now, as I understand it,

you still hold
the world record

for being sent off in a
game of football, don't you?

- 'Cause it's five seconds, wasn't it?
- Yeah. And this was...

I ran on
and it was like a minute.

No, you've done it
in five seconds.

- That's quicker than a minute.
- Well, no. About a second, I'd say. Yeah.

- One second?
- Till I came on, yeah.

You see, I'm intrigued, not
being a footballist, I have to admit,

how do you reach
an opposing player

to commit some kind of
atrocity in that time?

'Cause if they blew the whistle,
I'd need a minute and a half to get...

I sort of worked it out

that as the ref looked
at both, uh, goalkeepers,

as he put the whistle to his
mouth, I set off.

So as he actually blew, I was
crossing the line at full speed.

And when they knocked
into each other

and then the whites of their
eyes saw me coming at them,

- it was quite hilarious.
- It's just such a...

"Blow the whistle now."

- Bang.
- "Vinnie Jones booked now."

- Yeah.
- It's such an achievement.

Anyway, let's talk about
your driving days.

Erm, what was your first car?

I came back
from Sweden, actually.

And I had a bit of money from playing
in Sweden and signed for Wimbledon,

and I bought a red Cortina.

- Ooh. Which mark?
- Yeah. Mark IV.

A Mark IV?

And, in them days, Wimbledon,
obviously, were very basic.

And myself, Dave Beasant
and the physio,

we went there and, of course,
I wanted to drive,

and we took
the team kit with us.

And we get to the Chelsea
gates and they're saying,

"No, you're not coming." And I
said, "Well, I'm one of the players."

And by the time he had finished
telling us we couldn't come in,

it had overheated
and just... Poof!

There was smoke and everything
was coming through the vents.

Still, it was hilarious.

So, we ended up
pushing it down the ramp

and taking the kit out, pushing it
in the car park, and it stayed there.

I don't know what happened
to the old red Cortina.

Probably still... 'Cause they
have a redone Chelsea now.

Yeah, I'm sure. Ken Bates
has probably nicked it!

We'll have a look for him
running around in it.

You're over in America a lot,
obviously, these days.

- Hmm.
- Do they have the first idea what you are, who you are?

Well, they... I sort of
get more credibility

or they come and talk to you when
they realise that you was a footballer.

- You know, they come and...
- "Soccerer", as they'd call you.

"Oh, you was a
soccer player?"

- Yeah? 'Cause you...
- So, yeah.

I mean, Nick Cage.
You were in...

- Gone in 60 Seconds. Good car film.
- Yeah.

- Is he a car nut?
- Yeah.

He used to come.
He used to be quite funny.

He used to come down to work,
come on the set,

and he'd come in, say,
his Bentley.

And then a Ferrari
would turn up,

and then a great big motorbike
would turn up. And he'd come out and...

And then when we'd
finished filming,

for him to go home, he'd stand
there and, "What shall I go in?"

And wait... He actually went
on his motorbike one day

and we were pulling out and
we tried to follow him up to, um,

up the motorway and he was
just gone on the motorbike!

But it must be great for him, you
know, with the crash helmet on.

Yeah, yeah.
No one knows who he is.

And Lock Stock, of course,
started it all, didn't it?

Yeah.

'Cause you know the scene, the very
famous scene of you with the car door?

- Yeah.
- What was going through your head

when you were doing that?

- 'Cause this is your first...
- I can't say it on air.

- I'd probably get sued again!
- Whisper it.

The thing is, though,
we were thinking,

that P6, big heavy doors
in those days.

- Yeah.
- Good for smashing a man's head in.

Modern cars...
We're not so sure, actually.

So, can you just pass
us our prop?

- I think the windows would go now on it.
- Exactly.

We've had, imagine this,
we've had...

We've all seen
Day of the Jackal, okay?

Now, if you could
come with me, Vinnie.

'Cause what I want you to do
is try and smash this

in the door
of one of our cars.

Come with me.
Down here, everyone.

- Gather round. We're going to the Smart car.
- Oh!

Which is made of plastic,
okay?

Hasn't got to go back, has it?

- What?
- Hasn't got to go back.

Yeah, it has. What I'd like you to
do is famously re-enact the scene.

- You go on the other side.
- You should put it in from the other side. The...

It was actually
a block of wood in Lock Stock.

- Well, it's a watermelon in this.
- Right.

- It's also very heavy.
- So, we'll try and... Yeah.

- Right. Here we go.
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Yeah. Here we go.

Not bad! In one!

So...

So, a little bit of, um,
The Day of the Jackal,

little bit of Lock Stock, little
bit of Top Gear, all in one!

Um, now, of course, you
haven't just come here to...

Can you hang on to that?
Cheers, mate.

- Um...
- Do the garden, mate!

Yes, sadly. Go do the garden.

You haven't just come here to smash
watermelons to pieces, obviously.

- Yeah.
- You've...

You've come
to do a lap on our track.

You went with The Stig,
obviously. What was that like?

Yeah. Um...

When the backside stops
retracting, I'll let you know on that one.

He is quick, isn't he?

Okay, but it is time now to
see how you got on in your lap.

This is the...
The power board. Okay?

- You did...
- I just want to beat Jonathan Ross.

- I've got to beat Rossy.
- Jonathan Ross, one minute 57.

You could have strolled, mate.

Shall we see how you got on?

The star in a
reasonably-priced car. Play it.

- Nice start.
- Cheers.

Come on, girl.

It looks very slow. It seemed
a lot faster when I was doing it!

No, well,
it is a Suzuki Liana.

It's not a fast car.

This is the bit,
though.

You can scrub speed off here.

If you lose speed here, you'll never get
it back all the way up the main straight.

This is...
This is the home bit.

This little, uh...
This little bend here.

This is where everyone
goes off. How do you manage?

Steady, Vin.

Boot it!

You kept it
on the island,

and that was where Michael
Gambon nearly rolled it.

- And you're across the line!
- Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Seemed a bit slow, I think.

- I've been told the time.
- Go on, now.

- You wanna be faster than Jonathan Ross.
- Yeah.

I pity Jonathan Ross
if you aren't faster than him!

Rossy will not let me
live it down.

Vinnie J,

one minute...

50...

51?

- Three.
- 53?

So you're in there,
faster than Ross Kemp.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Vinnie Jones!

And...

Now, this being
a new series of Top Gear,

we thought we'd try out a new
presenter, okay? He's called James May.

And on the evidence of what we're
about to see, he is a blithering idiot!

One day,
probably in the dentist,

you'll find yourself
leafing idly through

the small ads in the back
of a classic car magazine.

And you'll probably
think to yourself,

"Huh. All that money
I spent on a Ford Mondeo

"could have been used to buy
something really interesting."

Like Mark II, Inspector
Morse-styled Jag, for example,

an old Porsche 911. There are
quite a few old Porsche 911s in here.

Look, you could even have
a Bentley.

Mind you, you'd have to be a
complete idiot to buy one of those.

This one's mine.

It's a T2, pretty much the
cheapest Bentley money can buy.

You can pick one of these up
for seven or eight grand.

But don't.
'Cause for that money

it's gonna be
a complete bag of bolts.

This, though, is a good 'un.

It cost 14 grand, but it's
got a full service history.

All the parts are genuine,
there's no rust, no filler

and no evidence of
bodged repairs.

Now, 14 grand's top dollar
for one of these,

but that's still only the price
of the most basic Mondeo.

Unlike the Mondeo, though,
the Bentley shouldn't depreciate.

A Mondeo is a disposable item,
but a Bentley's...

It's a Bentley.

So why do I like it, then?

Well... I like this wood.

Someone's taken
a lot of care over that.

I like the view. I like that strip
of chrome down the bonnet

and the weird winged
bee thing down at the end.

And I like the sort of
daftness of it.

I mean, the light switch
is there, fair enough.

But the key goes here and
the windscreen wipers are here.

Now, you'd expect the
windscreen wipers to be here,

but this is actually
the gear stick.

And the handbrake's down here.

It's all wrong,
and I love that.

Somewhere up front is
a huge 6.75-litre V8 engine.

But when you put
your foot down...

Nothing happens.

You get a bit more noise, and
you might go a little bit faster,

but on the whole,
it's a complete waste of time.

You might as well
just relax.

Handling.

I've got furniture that
handles better than this thing.

Watch.

Absolutely nothing.

So, it's rubbish to drive,
I'm going slower than you

and yes, I look like
a failed porn star.

But I am in my own Bentley!

Right, then,
a Bentley for Mondeo money.

Some of you are pretty tempted
by this idea,

but hang on.

I haven't told you how
it ruined my life yet.

I said this car
doesn't depreciate.

But big deal!

Who really cares
about depreciation anyway?

It's just something
that goes on all the time

when you're in the pub
or in bed.

It's not something
that hurts you every day.

For that, you need a Bentley.

Every time I go
near this thing

it kicks me in the head
and runs off with my wallet.

It costs 80 quid to fill up

and does 15 miles to the
gallon, if I drive like an undertaker.

I have to rent a king-size
garage to keep it in.

And it takes up two tokens
at the jet wash.

Okay, servicing only costs about the
same as it does for a mid-size BMW,

but it has to go in
three times as often.

Which is why my mechanic
buys his overalls from Gucci,

while I sit at home
eating gruel.

- Cheap thrills?
- You want to try this.

It's bloody terrifying.

It seems to me

you could have done that film
a lot shorter than that.

Yes. It's, um...

For the money you spend
on a basic Mondeo,

you could buy an old
Bentley like I did. Don't!

Exactly, don't go
anywhere near it.

It's a stupid idea, isn't it?

It is. It's fine as a hobby,
but this is my only car.

- You don't even have another car?
- I don't have another car.

Well, how many sacrifices
do you have to make?

Um, going for a curry?

- Having mates. Having a proper car.
- Yeah.

Any form of life.

And presumably, it won't fit in
your garage since you live in London.

No. Well, actually,
that's not quite true.

The first 12 feet fit in
the garage magnificently.

Even though I can't actually
can't get out of the car.

- But then there are two feet on the pavement.
- Yeah, you don't want that.

And then the last three feet are
on the road and get a parking ticket.

And if I put the whole car
on the road

you have to pay
the council tax, obviously.

- 'Cause it's a house, really.
- It is.

The thing is that it's
not my sort of car,

- but then we do differ, don't we?
- That's why I like it.

Yeah, exactly.

You just look at what I say
and go, "He's wrong!"

I looked in Auto Trader
and thought,

"What wouldn't Jeremy buy
out of all these cars? That one."

- Yeah, I respect that in a man.
- "I'll have that!"

I really do.

- You said in the film you have to rent a garage.
- Yeah.

Well, how far away?

I don't know.
Seven miles or so.

You rent a garage
seven miles from your house?

How do you get there, then?

On my folding bicycle,
obviously.

You are mad!

You're just clinically insane
running a car like this.

I think you may be missing an
essential point, though, Jeremy.

Comfy, though, with this
sort of thing. I quite like this!

This is the one
with the firm suspension!

No. Is it really?

- Yeah it is.
- The "T" is for firm suspension.

It's got something rather preposterously
called the Harvey Bailey Handling Kit.

Harvey Bailey didn't know
anything about suspension either,

- by the looks of things.
- No.

Despite all that,

I think... Well, let's say,

of all the cars in this studio,
this one is actually the cheapest.

No, it's not.
The Smart's cheaper.

That's 30... For £500 cheaper
you can have a Smart.

- Okay, well...
- Which doesn't do this.

This would have been
cheaper...

This would have been cheaper
if I had not felt sorry

for the bloke who was selling
it, and haggled a bit more.

- That's a British disease.
- It is a British disease.

"Oh, I feel really
sorry for him." Yeah.

Am I right in saying
this car is so cool,

that most people, by which I
mean Jeremy, don't realise it yet?

Yes!

Okay, hands up if you think
it's a cool car.

- Yes, yeah.
- That's one, two, three...

And on that bombshell,
let's do the news, shall we?

Uh, news first of two
hot new Peugeots.

The first of them
is the new 206 GTi.

It's 180 bhp.

It's quite a lot in a small car.
14,995 quid, which isn't bad.

That is a hot little car.

The second one...

I can't quite understand this.

It's a 206, it's another GTi,

it's only the 138 bhp
one, slightly less powerful,

but you'll notice
it's an estate,

a little tiny estate car.

Now that, to me, is pointless.

More than that,
it's a tragedy.

I just can't see why
you'd need that in your life.

That's what the French call
"idiotique".

Yes! Don't get it.

- Don't like it.
- I like it.

Why?

I like it 'cause the 206 is a
good car. Are we all agreed?

- Yeah, it is.
- It's a good hatchback.

The 206 is a good car. You
put a peppy little engine in it

and there's space
for your dog.

- What?
- No, no, no, no, no.

You can get your dog
in a hatchback!

No, you can't.

If you've got a big dog,
it won't go in a 206.

No, hang on. Hang on.

A dog is for life.

If you've got a big dog already,
you specify a big estate car.

- A Volvo. Yeah?
- He's right.

If you've already got
a small car,

you get a small dog like one of those
mutant things that comes third at Crufts.

My point is, is that

if you had a dog and you needed
the space, I think that's great.

Not if you're British,

- because we like dogs.
- Yes.

But actually it's a French car

and they can get a red setter
in the back of a Renault 5.

And they crush it in
so tightly,

that it actually looks like a photograph
of a dog stuck on the window

rather than a real dog
inside the car.

- I consider myself outvoted then.
- Yeah, you are.

Peugeot 206 GTi Estate,
silly car.

- Very silly.
- Silly car.

Ah, news, good news

for film buffs who like cars.

We all like films,
we all like cars.

The Italian Job, probably
one of the greatest films

for those of us who love cars.

There's gonna be a new one.
There's a remake coming up.

- The Americans are doing this one.
- Oh, God.

Yeah. Um...

There are gonna be
a few differences.

First of all, the previous one
was shot in Turin.

- Yep.
- Beautiful Italian city.

The new one is gonna be shot in
the beautiful Italian city of Los Angeles.

- Right.
- Which technically isn't Italian, of course.

- No.
- Well, hang on then.

If it's not in Italy,

is it gonna be called The Job?

It didn't actually specify that
there was gonna be a job.

- Right. So, it's "The".
- Just "The". The!

"Out now, The".

And who are they going to get
to play Michael Caine?

Well, probably Vin Diesel. He's
doing everything else, isn't he?

'Cause who did they get to do
the remake of the... Get Carter?

- Stallone. It was Stallone.
- It was Stallone, wasn't it?

You can't have him going,

"I only asked you
to blow the bloody doors off."

No. Uh...

The other thing about
The Italian Job is,

you know, when it ends and the bus is
sort of teetering on the brink of disaster,

and then Michael goes,

- "I've got a great idea".
- Yeah.

If it's an American, it
won't be a great idea, will it?

- No. That's true!
- They'll just be rubbish

and then there'll be
a huge explosion

in which some British people
will be killed by accident.

And then...

Tom Cruise will come down
in a parachute.

- Yeah.
- And it'll be a rubbish film.

- Yes.
- Uh, what else have we got in the news?

Since we are not... Are we
gonna bother going to see that?

- No!
- Probably not. If you seen a film

coming to your cinema just
called... What did you say it was?

- The!
- The!

Exactly.
Don't bother.

New cars
since we've been off air.

Renault Kangoo.
Anyone interested in that?

No!

- I am. £9,100.
- I am.

It's a van with windows,

a bit like
the Citroen Berlingo.

Uh, a little bit more
expensive than the Berlingo

for reasons that aren't
immediately apparent.

Quite like those cars,
actually. They're all right.

Um... Saab 9-3 Convertible.

Basically they've taken
a tin-opener to the 9-3,

which, I think I'm right
in saying, is a Vectra.

You're the big expert on this
sort of thing, aren't you? Is it a...

It is a Vectra, but it's
got a Saab badge on it.

- Right, so, if you want...
- There's some slightly more rounded bits.

Yeah, a convertible
Vauxhall Vectra, there you are.

Can't think why. Um...

Now...

All those people
who write in and say,

"You're only interested in
expensive cars." You're damn right.

The new Lamborghini Gallardo!

This has got a V10 5-litre... I'm
gonna have to go to the lavatory

if I've to say,
"V10 5-litre engine" again.

500 bhp,
fantastic-looking thing.

It's gonna be on sale in
Britain I think later this year.

Uh... Prices are anticipated
to be around £120,000,

so it will be competing
with the Ferrari 360.

And actually, if the...
If its big brother,

the, uh, Murcielago, is
anything to go by, that will be,

- 'cause they're owned by Audi now, aren't they?
- They are.

- That will be a stonking good car!
- Mmm.

I think they're gonna have
a problem with that.

We've had this mystery fax,
okay?

It came to the office, some
telephone numbers and a picture.

- Yes.
- What you would say that was?

That a Lotus Esprit.

- Yeah, it's a Lotus Esprit.
- Anybody else?

- Lotus Esprit, yeah?
- Lotus. Yeah.

Now, this has actually
come from the manufacturer.

- When you... From Lotus.
- From Lotus?

When you ring the number,
they will say to you,

"What's that picture that's come
through on your fax machine?"

And you'll say, "That's
the Lotus Esprit."

And the reason they're doing is
that is because they want to prove

that this is their shape
and then copyright it.

How can they do that?

- They can't...
- Well, I don't... Well, we can ensure they don't, okay?

If you get one of these
on your fax machine,

ring the number. And when
they say, "What's that picture?"

You say, "That's a piece
of Double Gloucester."

That way, every time somebody
buys a Ferrari or a Lotus

or... What was the other one?

- A Lamborghini.
- A Lamborghini, or indeed, a Seat,

if they ever get round
to building this thing.

It's more money in royalties

for Britain's beleaguered
cheesemakers.

- Nice thought.
- It's good news for UK...

- Good point.
- Yeah.

Good point.

Right.
A quick question for ya.

How much do you reckon
this F355 is worth?

- Give me some figures.
What do you reckon? 90.

80, 90, 60, 40? None of those.
I'll tell you how much it's worth.

It's worth about 20 grand.

This is
our cheap thrills programme,

there'd be no room
for a Ferrari on that.

This isn't a Ferrari.

This is actually a Toyota MR2

that's been made to look
almost exactly like a F355.

And the interesting thing is,
the bloke who built this,

once he'd turned his Toyota
MR2 into a Ferrari replica,

rang his insurance company.

"Well," they said, "that is
now classed as a kit car."

So his insurance premium went
down from 1,200 quid to 300 quid.

So there's a cheap thrill.

But there is a problem,
and it links back

to what James was saying
about copyrighting cheese.

And it's this. Ferrari aren't
likely to be too pleased

about somebody
copying their shape.

In fact, they'll probably go
after the bloke who built it.

Right, now, for this programme I was
asked to find a fun car for not much money.

And I failed, completely.

This is
the Bowler Wildcat.

Nice name.
It's based on a Land Rover,

but it has one key element that's
missing from normal Land Rovers. Speed.

An Aston Martin DB7 will go
from 0-60 mph in 4.9 seconds.

This will do it in 4.8.

It does cost 50 grand.

But everything's relative.

This is the best off-roader
in the world.

And it's road-legal.

So, how has a sheep-lugger

from Solihull been turned into
an off-road Ferrari?

The Bowler Wildcats are built
by two brothers in Derbyshire.

Instead of the usual
standard heavy chassis,

they use a
raised-car style space frame.

That takes three weeks
just to weld together.

These body panels, fibreglass.

The engine is a 5-litre,

300 bhp.

Land Rover TVR hybrid V8.

And the interior... Well...

There isn't one! But, you
know, you just don't care.

You just don't.

Fifty grand might sound
like a lot of money

for a car that started life
as a Land Rover.

You can buy a BMW M5

for that money.

But think about it.

A lot of manufacturers
claim to have

a racing pedigree.

But you couldn't
turn up at Le Mans

in your M5... Or your
Ferrari, for that matter.

But you could buy a Bowler
Wildcat and the next day

be on the start line
at the Paris-Dakar.

Now, the scary bit.
I don't like this bit.

Straight on. Left. Ooh. Ow!

That hurt.

The suspension
is made by Bowler

and it is, of course,
fully adjustable.

The spec list

includes FIA-spec fuel tanks,

an integrated
fire extinguisher,

and best of all,
onboard water supply

for desert racing. Yee-ha-ha!

The power from that

5-litre, half-TVR,

half-Land Rover V8

is just eating the world!

It's incredible!

This is fast
in a whole new way.

This... I...

Oh, yes!

Yes!

How can anything
survive this? Including me?

At this moment now,
second! Third!

What a feeling!

I am a driving god!

That's the most fun
I've ever had in a car.

But I tell ya,

you can only do so much in it.

We haven't even started yet!

Thanks.

That's Jim Weaver.
He races this.

He's raced everything else.

And now he's racing this.

Oh, good.

Better put me helmet on.

I drove it fast.

But Jim took it
to another level.

This was a truly epic ride.

Incredible.

And most incredible
of all was just

how the machinery could
stand this kind of punishment.

What does it do
to your insides?

I dislodged a lung in Italy.

Dislodged a lung?

Of course,
they tested the Bowler.

In computer simulations,

it simply outpaced
the computer.

After a 40-foot drop
onto its nose

in the desert,

nothing, nothing happened.

You could stand
10-ton weights on its roof

and nothing would happen.

Nothing at all.

Do you know,
it's not just a cheap thrill.

At 50,000 grand,
it's a bargain

because it really
is a supercar.

More than that,
it's a supercar

that's virtually
indestructible.

That was, I think we all
agreed, a fantastic film, yes?

- Yes.
- Brilliant.

And a brilliant car as well.

But there's just one tiny little
bit of it I want to see again.

Can we... May we?

What a feeling!

I'm a driving god!

"I am a driving god"?

When you take a dog
for a walk,

"I am a dog-walking god!"

It was a big moment.

It's like being in a cartoon
in that thing. And yes...

- You got carried away.
- I got very carried away.

Okay, I'm not a driving god,
all right?

It was a mistake
to make that claim.

But I do know someone
who is a driving god.

To find out how the Bowler would do
on the fearsome Top Gear test track,

ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome.

His Holiness, The Stig.

So it's off the line with
a bit of wheel spin there

from all four wheels.

Remember, this thing
does 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

Wonder what The Stig's
gonna be listening to?

- ♪ Stand by your man.
- Oh, dear. Oh, my word!

It doesn't get much worse
than that.

♪ Give him two arms... ♪

That is grizzly.

Right, it's into Chicago now,

and by the looks of it there,
he's lost it!

No, he's kept it all together.
Just listen to that V8.

Clearly The Stig isn't there.

Look, there's a...
He's into the Hammerhead

and there's a bit of body roll
starting there.

The Stig is really pushing this
thing as hard as it's gonna go.

The real test ahead now,
of course.

He's gonna be coming up
to the Follow Through soon.

And the Bowler, I don't know,
is it gonna roll?

It looks surprisingly solid
through there, actually.

Very little body roll.

300 horsepower now,

belting out onto the straight, he's
got, what, just two bends to go now.

And again... Ooh, my word,
that is on the edge!

He's gone Gambon Corner
ahead of him.

And he's gone off-road!
Which is appropriate, I suppose.

And he crosses the line in...

- One minute...
- Is it up here?

39.4.

There you go. Now...
Hold on a second!

It's not hard to be
a driving god, frankly,

in a car that slow!

Now look, for a car
like that...

That £50,000 car.

...I think that
is pretty impressive.

Actually, I'll grant you,
it is impressive.

I was gonna argue. It's in the
script I should argue with you,

but I'm not going to 'cause
I love that car.

Anyway, that's it
for this evening.

- And...
- Actually, no, it's not.

That isn't it because...

It seems the driving god
has more to say, at this point.

What is it, driving god?

Things I wish I'd never said.

Because, earlier on,

you may remember that
Nissan Sunny that I toasted.

Well, while we had the
Jet dragster there,

it seemed a shame
to burn just one thing I hate.

So, have you got anything else
to burn?

- No, that's it.
- That's it, all finished. Okay, we can end.

Next week, the show
is all about luxury,

spelt with two "g's"
in the middle.

So, pull up your Parker Knoll,
crack open some Lambrusco,

and settle down for a story
we've got on the new Rolls-Royce,

we've got something on
one of the Queen's cars,

and we set out to find
Britain's fastest political party.

See you then. Good night.