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Captain's log, production date, June
26th.
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00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:12,360
The intercourse is approaching Deep
Space Station 69 for the scheduled
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Charlie Walker, the lone survivor of a
spaceship crash over 20 years ago, a
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00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:22,880
on a desperate planet. After so much
time alone, the old fart probably has as
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00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,280
much appeal as a pimple on Jeremy's
butt.
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00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:32,409
I just don't get it, Jim. A starship
being sent on an errand like this, I...
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second -rate transport ship could schlep
this guy back to Earth.
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Why else?
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I don't know, Boner.
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The station's CO seemed in an awful
hurry to get rid of this old Charlie.
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Approaching Deep Space Station 69,
Captain.
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Visual transmission coming in, sir.
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Captain Quack, I bid welcome to you and
the crew of the Starship Intercourse.
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I'm Commander Headcheese.
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Commander Headcheese.
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I'm prepared to beam over and discuss
the situation.
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Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid you
can't do that.
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00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:08,440
We've had an outbreak of regillian swamp
fever. That's it. Regillian swamp
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fever, yes.
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Oh. But young Charlie Walker's been
given a clean bill of health by my
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staff. We kept Charlie in quarantine
just to be safe.
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And how old is this old fart?
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Charlie's barely over 21.
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Well, we just assumed.
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After being on that dust ball for so
many years that he would be about as
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wrinkled as a Chinese Sharpay sucking on
lemons.
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Charlie was a mid -baby when that ship
crashed, and Charlie is not a he, as you
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can clearly see. Ms. Walker is most
certainly a she.
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Holy premature ejaculation!
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It is woman!
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I can see that, Jackoff.
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Lieutenant, who are you?
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Contact Squatty down in Engineering.
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Tell him this one better not beam over
inside out.
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Boner, you're with me. Mr. Berm, account
of your order.
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Space. It's big. It's dark.
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It's spooky.
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These are the voyages of Starship
Intercourse, her crew's five -minute
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to spread the seed of humanity to any
hot -looking babe in a space suit, and
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boldly come where no man has come
before.
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Captain's log supplemental.
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Dr. McJoy has expressed his concern to
me regarding the alleged outbreak of
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Virgilian swamp fever on Deep Space
Station 69.
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There aren't any swamps in space.
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But my immediate concern lies elsewhere.
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We're beaming over a hot babe.
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Squatty, materialize her. And make sure
her clothes stay at the space station.
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Aye to that, Captain.
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Miss Walker, welcome to the intercourse.
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I'm Captain Quirk.
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You can call me Jimmy Poo.
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Oh dear, where are my clothes?
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I never did something like a
contraption.
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Although it does mean to have it.
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00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:03,160
Don't worry, Miss Walker. I'll have a
ship of doors to fabricate you some
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clothing. Something cheap and tawdry.
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Strappy, high heels.
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Something a porn star would wear.
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Chip. Chip.
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00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,340
Aren't you going to introduce us?
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Hey, Captain. The laugh has more than
one hand to kiss.
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Oh, yes.
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Miss Walker.
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This is my crew.
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If they're unimportant, anything you
need, you call them Jimmy Poo.
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00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:30,620
Actually, there's something I've been
craving that I've heard a lot about, but
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haven't experienced yet.
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What is it you like?
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00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,900
Ice cream? The Kevin Dodge?
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Kevin Ring?
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00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,480
Bon Jovi CD?
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I think the thing I want is sex.
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I heard it could be pleasurable, but the
men on the space station, they ignore
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me. Damn. That raped Jenny Poole.
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Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll find the man
aboard the intercourse much more
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accommodating. I laugh. We know how to
treat a young lass.
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We pretend you outrank us, and then we
slam the detention.
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At least, part of us do.
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00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:06,250
And speaking of detention...
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It is to start with the good doctor,
because I am going to give you the
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00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,060
attention that you deserve on my
examining table to make sure you're in
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room. And if you're a good girl.
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From the good doctor.
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Yes, Charlie, we have many corridors
like this aboard the intercourse.
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So don't believe anyone who tells you
that we used the same corridor over and
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over, shot from different camera angles.
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00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:43,540
Oh, hey, Captain.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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I was about to go to the gym, and my
zipper appears to be stuck.
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00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,360
Well, let me help you, Yeoman.
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You can't have a zipper stuck in the up
position in a movie such as this.
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00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,960
By the way, Charlie, this is Yeoman
Gland.
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00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:02,860
Owner, why don't you go ahead and take
Charlie for an examination?
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It's me. Take some time.
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Right, Jim?
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Come on, Charlie.
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Come on. Don't dilly -dally. Come on.
I've got a sturdy old set for you.
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00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,610
Ice train or a chapstick?
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00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,940
I always cool my fingers before giving a
gynecological exam. It's a practice
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that's been going on for hundreds of
years on earth.
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Mentioning your cold fingers reminds me,
doctor, I am well overdue for my
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prostate exam.
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Later, sir.
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00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:44,480
The men from the planet Horny must have
their prostate examined monthly due to
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the long periods of time in which men
must go between sexual gratifications.
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00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,120
I think it's romantic that the men of
Horny give themselves to the right
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It takes a great deal of discipline,
nurse. You see, there's a tendency for
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sperm to... back up.
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00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:09,470
So, every month I must go to Dr.
Maggiore and have him massage and
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sperm from my gland.
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Sperm? You pointed it at green sperm.
Freak!
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We're eight minutes into the video and
we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've
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got a naked babe on my table with her
feet in the stirrups and you're talking
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about me massaging your prostate gland.
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You know you're killing me!
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Now, my dear, open up and say, ah.
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Ah. That's it.
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So, staying out of trouble?
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Tell me, what was it like growing up on
a desolate planet of yours all by
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00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,220
yourself with no doctor to play doctor
with? There were animals there, and when
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I felt lonely, I would just put my mind
into one of them, and then I wouldn't
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feel alone.
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Well, I'll tell you what.
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If you get bored...
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You can let your imagination run wild
and just go wherever you want to go.
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dokie. Okie dokie.
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Charlie.
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Charlie, what's wrong?
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You can't dance like that.
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It is in front of us. I know that you
know what I'm doing.
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Doctor.
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Later, sperm. I got my hands full here.
I said later.
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Nurse, chap, put something in his mouth.
Hit him against the wall. If this girl
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dies before we have sex, we're not going
to get a bad review.
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Oh, my ears.
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Oh, they're tingling.
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They're getting bigger.
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They're getting bigger.
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I'm a little ahead of schedule. I don't
think I should be doing this. It's
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really not good for the horny
constitution.
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00:10:26,890 --> 00:10:28,910
But that is.
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as you are in this.
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Personally, getting this once every
seven years is much experience.
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Thank you.
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Aw.
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Thank you.
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00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:53,740
Oh, yeah. Oh,
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yeah.
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00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,400
Shane's okay, guys.
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What's this crazy stuff? What are you
two doing out of uniform?
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Um, we'll get back to uniform.
152
00:24:48,700 --> 00:24:49,700
What is this?
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I've had this before.
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Just not admit it.
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Captain's log, supplemental.
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Dr. McJoy has given young Charlie Walker
a clean bill of health. I have
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therefore given the helmsman
instructions to reduce speed, giving us
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to enjoy the hot babe.
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00:25:17,710 --> 00:25:20,950
It must be wonderful being Captain
Quirk's personal yeoman.
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He's so dreamy.
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00:25:22,830 --> 00:25:25,630
Well, you know, it does have its perk.
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Just the other day when he had his dick
up my ass, I could have sworn he
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respected me.
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00:25:30,970 --> 00:25:31,970
I don't know.
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00:25:33,770 --> 00:25:35,970
A lightning bolt. It came out of nowhere
and hit you in your ass.
166
00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,850
Good thing lightning can hit the same
place twice.
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00:25:39,550 --> 00:25:42,370
Ow! I'm getting out of here. Wait for
me.
168
00:25:51,570 --> 00:25:54,050
Commander Hedges, we're barely reading
you.
169
00:25:55,670 --> 00:25:57,250
Enemy power unstable.
170
00:25:58,290 --> 00:25:59,690
We're going to blow any minute.
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00:26:00,630 --> 00:26:01,970
I must warn you.
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Beware. The evil is among you.
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Rainer Hedges, I don't understand.
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00:26:11,340 --> 00:26:15,260
Evil among us. Do you see any evil among
us?
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00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,340
Is that Charlie standing behind you? Hi,
Charlie.
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Join the little trip.
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00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:27,040
Can we talk later, Captain? It's just
upstairs.
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Oh, crap.
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00:26:36,170 --> 00:26:37,630
Did you want me to find another channel?
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00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:40,750
I could find an episode of Fresh Prince
of Bel -Air.
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00:26:41,110 --> 00:26:47,290
No. But if you see a T .J. Hooker rerun,
please let me know.
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It's firm.
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00:26:48,970 --> 00:26:52,810
Commander Hedges said something about
evil being among us.
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00:26:53,170 --> 00:26:56,250
Could it be that John T. Bone is
directing this episode?
185
00:26:56,910 --> 00:26:58,210
No, Captain.
186
00:26:58,790 --> 00:27:04,010
But my long -distance deep space senses
do indicate that Deep Space Station 69
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00:27:04,010 --> 00:27:06,480
has been exploded into a... Ball of
fire.
188
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,480
Rather like my anus was that time you
treated me to Mexican food.
189
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,640
How, Sperm, how?
190
00:27:13,860 --> 00:27:14,900
How could it have happened?
191
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:20,080
I think that spicy Latino food does not
agree with my half -warning system.
192
00:27:20,860 --> 00:27:23,120
No, Sperm, I'm talking about Space
Station.
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00:27:23,780 --> 00:27:25,240
It wasn't built very well.
194
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:26,840
Just like your ship.
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00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:31,820
Cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails.
You guys don't get much of a budget for
196
00:27:31,820 --> 00:27:32,820
these things, do you?
197
00:27:41,020 --> 00:27:43,400
She knows something we don't know.
198
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,120
Perhaps she has read ahead of the
script, Captain.
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00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:48,779
Captain's log.
200
00:27:48,780 --> 00:27:50,020
The plot thickens.
201
00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:53,200
Unbeknownst to us at this time, we have
an intruder within.
202
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:58,980
A cutie pie named Charlie had a
corrupted mind and a secret power to
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00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,500
She also had become obsessed with me.
204
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:07,840
More than a mere crush, she wants to be
me. And what better place to begin than
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00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,360
in my quarters with my personal yeoman.
206
00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:22,700
Charlie! One isn't in for a lady's
private area without knocking.
207
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,360
At least not without buying her a few
drinks first. How did you get in here
208
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,220
anyway? I'm sure that door was locked.
209
00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:30,380
I have the power to get into things.
210
00:28:30,940 --> 00:28:34,320
Besides, I got into this episode and I
don't even do boy -girl scenes. But
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00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,780
Charlie, this is the captain's quarters.
212
00:28:36,060 --> 00:28:37,280
No one else can be in here.
213
00:28:37,790 --> 00:28:39,670
I'm the captain's yeoman, and I'm
changing.
214
00:28:40,130 --> 00:28:41,150
Yes, you are.
215
00:28:45,530 --> 00:28:50,210
Where are we?
216
00:28:50,910 --> 00:28:51,930
This is an illusion.
217
00:28:52,750 --> 00:28:54,810
This is where I've been for the past
couple weeks.
218
00:28:55,350 --> 00:28:57,390
Oh, no wonder you're in a hurry to get
on our ship.
219
00:28:58,390 --> 00:29:00,910
Now it's a place where we can be
together, alone.
220
00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:18,400
I like the best pussy in three galaxies
221
00:29:57,050 --> 00:29:59,090
You sure you've never done this before?
222
00:30:00,410 --> 00:30:00,910
So
223
00:30:00,910 --> 00:30:13,830
what
224
00:30:13,830 --> 00:30:15,170
do you think of the female form?
225
00:30:15,870 --> 00:30:16,870
Are you with me?
226
00:30:21,330 --> 00:30:22,630
I'll take a closer look.
227
00:30:37,190 --> 00:30:38,630
Turn me up, baby.
228
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:57,040
I think you're a natural.
229
00:31:08,340 --> 00:31:10,540
Oh, that's good, baby.
230
00:31:10,780 --> 00:31:11,780
Uh -huh. Yeah.
231
00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:15,540
Oh,
232
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,560
how did you just know to do that?
233
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,680
Oh, yeah, stuck in that clip.
234
00:42:57,580 --> 00:42:58,600
Think about that in court.
235
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,340
Think about what makes them tick.
236
00:43:01,260 --> 00:43:02,260
Tick.
237
00:43:02,420 --> 00:43:03,420
Tick.
238
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:04,640
Tick.
239
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,900
Charlie, just to hear you, but I wanted
to see.
240
00:43:11,260 --> 00:43:15,200
You had mentioned back on the bridge
that Deep Space 69 was not well
241
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,200
constructed.
242
00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:18,340
Do you know of something I don't?
243
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,140
Why did Headcheese want you off?
244
00:43:20,620 --> 00:43:21,459
Tell me.
245
00:43:21,460 --> 00:43:24,600
You're trying to get into my head, but
this isn't about you getting into my
246
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,240
head. It's about me getting into yours.
247
00:43:47,340 --> 00:43:48,340
Wrong man.
248
00:43:50,240 --> 00:43:51,240
Oh,
249
00:43:52,140 --> 00:43:54,420
I got a penis.
250
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,040
I can't wait to use that penis.
251
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:19,680
Jim, what is it?
252
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,660
Well, it's a girl.
253
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:26,280
But that's not the important thing. The
important thing is that I found her just
254
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:27,280
like this on Texas.
255
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:29,940
Dr. McCoy, she looks brain dead.
256
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,120
Maybe. But with her looks, it really
doesn't matter.
257
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:35,480
There you go again.
258
00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:40,380
Being a typical man. You know, a woman
can be a babe and be smart too.
259
00:44:43,780 --> 00:44:45,120
Here he is, Doctor.
260
00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:47,440
You think so?
261
00:44:48,620 --> 00:44:52,620
I think that if Captain doesn't start
acting like his old self, this video may
262
00:44:52,620 --> 00:44:53,900
end up one sex scene short.
263
00:45:00,740 --> 00:45:04,200
Out of my chair, you... you... you man.
264
00:45:06,380 --> 00:45:08,080
Are you all right, Captain?
265
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:09,640
Why do you say that?
266
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,600
Don't I look all right? How's my hair?
267
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:12,900
Do I look fat in this uniform?
268
00:45:13,660 --> 00:45:15,420
Uh, no, sir.
269
00:45:15,860 --> 00:45:17,420
It's just that you're...
270
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:19,320
tone of voice.
271
00:45:21,300 --> 00:45:23,780
Stop being sensitive, Mr. Sperm.
272
00:45:24,300 --> 00:45:26,980
You're not even human. You're not
supposed to have feelings. I, on the
273
00:45:26,980 --> 00:45:27,980
hand, do.
274
00:45:28,340 --> 00:45:32,840
This body hair is rubbing against this
uniform. It's about to drive me nuts.
275
00:45:33,900 --> 00:45:38,000
How am I supposed to store my bits and
bobs in these thick trousers?
276
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:46,500
I believe the proper approach to storing
your bits and bobs, Captain, would be
277
00:45:46,500 --> 00:45:47,700
to hang them to the left.
278
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,420
Hey, a good foot to the left, Captain.
279
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:57,380
I beg the Captain's pardon, but I prefer
leaning to the right, toward Ensign
280
00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:02,800
Jekyll. And personally, I prefer to lean
to the left, toward Lieutenant Scrooge.
281
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,480
All right, enough, all of you. I was
just venting.
282
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,300
Why do you men always have to solve each
other's problems?
283
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:14,420
Why can't you just listen to each other?
Maybe give each other a hug now and
284
00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:15,420
then.
285
00:46:18,570 --> 00:46:19,570
Oh, not now.
286
00:46:20,030 --> 00:46:24,530
I want to put as much distance as I can
between us and where that space station
287
00:46:24,530 --> 00:46:29,450
used to be. Warp... How fast is it that
we can go?
288
00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:31,970
Uh, warp nine, Captain.
289
00:46:32,290 --> 00:46:33,670
Except in school zone.
290
00:46:33,930 --> 00:46:35,070
Warp nine it is, then.
291
00:46:35,690 --> 00:46:37,490
Let's shake the dust off this thing.
292
00:46:37,750 --> 00:46:38,488
Aye, sir.
293
00:46:38,490 --> 00:46:39,490
Warp nine.
294
00:46:54,030 --> 00:46:57,270
I'll stop your whining all the time,
would you?
295
00:46:58,070 --> 00:47:02,490
Captain, if I weren't whining about me
engines, I wouldn't have much to do on
296
00:47:02,490 --> 00:47:03,490
this show.
297
00:47:06,050 --> 00:47:07,050
Captain's log.
298
00:47:07,630 --> 00:47:09,250
The intruder within reporting.
299
00:47:10,270 --> 00:47:11,630
So far, so good.
300
00:47:12,390 --> 00:47:14,730
I've got James Court by the balls.
301
00:47:15,170 --> 00:47:17,910
And now I'm the one who wears the pants.
302
00:47:18,150 --> 00:47:21,150
Now the intercourse is my own private
playground.
303
00:47:25,100 --> 00:47:27,920
So you're the transporter chief?
304
00:47:28,460 --> 00:47:31,880
You should know, Captain. You
recommended me after that one night we
305
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:32,880
together.
306
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:34,520
Yes.
307
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:39,700
What's the strangest place you've ever
dotted?
308
00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,180
On Herschel Savage's face.
309
00:47:42,380 --> 00:47:45,000
But I've always wanted to do it in the
transporter.
310
00:47:45,500 --> 00:47:50,280
Imagine all of our atoms disassembled
and then scattered together and then
311
00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:52,500
reassembled. What could be more erotic?
312
00:47:56,720 --> 00:47:58,180
to set that thing on automatic.
313
00:48:24,110 --> 00:48:27,670
By the looks of the orange sky, I would
say Stage 7B at Desilu Studios.
314
00:48:28,210 --> 00:48:31,490
But Desilu Studios ended up the same
time Star Trek did, Captain.
315
00:48:31,730 --> 00:48:32,850
Neither exist anymore.
316
00:48:33,750 --> 00:48:38,890
Listen, if I wanted intelligent
conversation, I would have invited that
317
00:48:38,890 --> 00:48:39,689
-eared Mr.
318
00:48:39,690 --> 00:48:40,690
Sperm Guy.
319
00:48:40,990 --> 00:48:43,070
Well, you are the captain, Captain.
320
00:48:43,490 --> 00:48:44,490
Yes, I am.
321
00:48:44,610 --> 00:48:47,950
And I would really like to know what it
felt like to touch your breasts.
322
00:48:50,130 --> 00:48:51,130
May I do that?
323
00:49:08,180 --> 00:49:10,080
You smell like a girl.
324
00:50:24,130 --> 00:50:26,670
Fuck. Fuck.
325
00:50:29,350 --> 00:50:30,750
Fuck.
326
00:59:29,290 --> 00:59:30,330
I had sex in a transporter.
327
00:59:30,590 --> 00:59:31,730
But how did you know?
328
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:36,330
The transporter beam was set on both
long range as well as short range, which
329
00:59:36,330 --> 00:59:40,330
means that you and the captain managed
to materialize on the bridge as well as
330
00:59:40,330 --> 00:59:41,910
every room on the ship.
331
00:59:42,130 --> 00:59:46,670
As well as every dirty movie channel
available on satellite TV. We all
332
00:59:46,670 --> 00:59:47,890
your carnal act, crewman.
333
00:59:48,130 --> 00:59:53,570
Well, how was it? I'm a doctor, damn it!
Not a porn critic. For my part, I'm
334
00:59:53,570 --> 00:59:54,570
more than just a captain.
335
00:59:55,630 --> 00:59:59,690
You have been with him before, uh, Groom
and Bubbles, haven't you? And was he
336
00:59:59,690 --> 01:00:01,310
different in any way?
337
01:00:01,690 --> 01:00:06,210
Now that you ask, he was different. When
he licked my pussy, it was as if he
338
01:00:06,210 --> 01:00:07,210
knew how I felt.
339
01:00:07,490 --> 01:00:09,270
As if he was a woman.
340
01:00:10,110 --> 01:00:11,110
Captain's log.
341
01:00:11,710 --> 01:00:13,190
Girly quirk recording.
342
01:00:14,050 --> 01:00:17,610
I suspect there's a plot to take the
intercourse away from me.
343
01:00:18,290 --> 01:00:19,430
That bothers me.
344
01:00:19,850 --> 01:00:23,910
So I did what any babe with a problem
would do.
345
01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:28,600
I lit some candles and I took a nice,
long, relaxing bubble bath.
346
01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:45,980
Captain, we wanted to have a word with
you, not to disturb your bath.
347
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,760
That perfume bubble bath I know, Jim.
348
01:00:50,780 --> 01:00:54,080
What if it is? A fella can't take a
bubble bath if he wants.
349
01:00:55,009 --> 01:01:01,870
Um, Captain, the doctor and myself, as
well as just about any two
350
01:01:01,870 --> 01:01:06,990
truckie with a weight of tribbles, feel
as if you are not behaving right.
351
01:01:08,230 --> 01:01:13,270
In other words, Jim, if you were any
less macho, we would be buying you a
352
01:01:13,270 --> 01:01:14,510
skirt and stilettos.
353
01:01:14,750 --> 01:01:15,890
Surely you understand.
354
01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:18,110
Now you listen to me.
355
01:01:18,770 --> 01:01:22,070
This is my ship, and I can play this
role any way that I want to.
356
01:01:22,370 --> 01:01:23,790
And don't call me Shirley.
357
01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:25,750
I don't look anything like a Shirley.
358
01:01:28,850 --> 01:01:29,850
Ew!
359
01:01:30,750 --> 01:01:31,750
Do you mind?
360
01:01:32,190 --> 01:01:34,010
I'd like a little privacy while getting
dressed.
361
01:01:34,870 --> 01:01:36,630
Out! Out, out, out, out, out.
362
01:01:52,780 --> 01:01:56,400
Hit me up with another one as well,
Doctor. You got it, buddy.
363
01:01:57,980 --> 01:01:58,980
Hold steady.
364
01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:08,600
The captain is changing before our very
eyes.
365
01:02:08,820 --> 01:02:14,300
We have to do something to help him. And
I'm not talking about buying him a bra
366
01:02:14,300 --> 01:02:15,300
and panty.
367
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:16,480
Agree, Doctor.
368
01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:21,660
I believe that whatever beamed aboard
this ship...
369
01:02:21,900 --> 01:02:26,260
And Charlie Walker's body is beginning
to take over Captain Quark.
370
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:33,880
The entity within him is beginning to
alter him and in a
371
01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:37,400
metaphor, morphosize him into a woman.
372
01:02:38,580 --> 01:02:45,420
And of course, being run by a woman, I
haven't heard anything that crazy
373
01:02:45,420 --> 01:02:49,520
since man elected Hillary Clinton
president in 2008.
374
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:55,480
But if our captain wants to turn into a
woman, he better turn into a stone -fold
375
01:02:55,480 --> 01:03:00,120
fox giving sexual favors to first
officers and doctors.
376
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:01,860
That's for sure.
377
01:03:03,980 --> 01:03:04,980
Fascinating.
378
01:03:10,680 --> 01:03:16,220
You look like a woman who's had a lot of
sex in her lifetime.
379
01:03:17,500 --> 01:03:18,500
Yeah.
380
01:03:19,950 --> 01:03:24,410
I had sex for Vivid yesterday, and a day
before that for Wicked, and a day
381
01:03:24,410 --> 01:03:25,650
before that for Sun City.
382
01:03:29,110 --> 01:03:33,210
Perhaps you could answer a question that
I have.
383
01:03:34,990 --> 01:03:41,970
Why does a man, especially a man like
me, not want to
384
01:03:41,970 --> 01:03:44,490
have sex immediately after just having
had sex?
385
01:03:45,490 --> 01:03:47,570
Now, take you, for instance.
386
01:03:48,410 --> 01:03:49,410
You're hot.
387
01:03:51,150 --> 01:03:53,430
All right, so I should be banging you
all about the turbo lift.
388
01:03:54,430 --> 01:03:57,650
But somehow I feel fatigued.
389
01:03:58,450 --> 01:03:59,790
Is it because I'm getting old?
390
01:04:01,170 --> 01:04:02,230
Not old, Catherine.
391
01:04:02,950 --> 01:04:04,110
Just a bit tired.
392
01:04:04,790 --> 01:04:06,970
I mean, you're just a man.
393
01:04:10,810 --> 01:04:11,810
Of course.
394
01:04:12,070 --> 01:04:14,190
So there are advantages to being a
woman.
395
01:04:14,690 --> 01:04:18,470
Not only do you have your dinner and
your drink spot for you, but you can
396
01:04:18,470 --> 01:04:19,470
multiple orgasms.
397
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:23,740
Too bad you couldn't be a woman.
398
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:27,020
Especially when a man just needs to take
a nap.
399
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:28,760
Oh, well.
400
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:31,100
Who says I can't?
401
01:04:36,260 --> 01:04:37,260
Nice.
402
01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:39,080
Silly man.
403
01:04:39,980 --> 01:04:40,980
Take a nap.
404
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,220
I'll be back as soon as you recharge.
405
01:04:57,260 --> 01:04:58,260
not here, Lieutenant.
406
01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:00,320
Screw you, miss.
407
01:05:01,740 --> 01:05:03,000
Maybe next time.
408
01:05:05,020 --> 01:05:06,020
And you?
409
01:05:07,500 --> 01:05:08,500
I'm Jekyll.
410
01:05:09,700 --> 01:05:10,940
Not around me.
411
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:12,720
I don't want you with me.
412
01:05:31,580 --> 01:05:33,460
Mr. Scott, should we stop them?
413
01:05:34,100 --> 01:05:36,620
They're not for 12 and a half minutes,
Lassie.
414
01:05:37,120 --> 01:05:39,720
The length of the average adult movie
sex scene.
415
01:05:40,080 --> 01:05:41,460
Come on, I'll buy you a soda.
416
01:05:46,860 --> 01:05:48,680
You look like a sasparilla girl.
417
01:09:10,569 --> 01:09:11,569
. .
418
01:09:44,200 --> 01:09:45,200
What?
419
01:10:56,110 --> 01:10:57,110
Thank you.
420
01:11:35,280 --> 01:11:37,180
Oh, yes. Good.
421
01:11:37,920 --> 01:11:39,500
Oh, good.
422
01:17:06,470 --> 01:17:07,770
You say you found him this way.
423
01:17:08,050 --> 01:17:10,730
It appears that the entity has left his
body, Doctor.
424
01:17:13,010 --> 01:17:14,010
Fascinating.
425
01:17:14,410 --> 01:17:15,990
He no longer has breasts.
426
01:17:17,170 --> 01:17:20,690
And his penis appears to be returning.
427
01:17:21,270 --> 01:17:24,950
And making as much forward progress as a
commuter on the 101 freeway during rush
428
01:17:24,950 --> 01:17:28,390
hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me
those blue pills that I've been keeping
429
01:17:28,390 --> 01:17:29,390
for emergencies.
430
01:17:30,230 --> 01:17:31,950
Blue pills, Doctor?
431
01:17:32,890 --> 01:17:33,890
Emergency?
432
01:17:34,290 --> 01:17:37,760
Perfect. We've been doing the electric
parity for the last 15 years.
433
01:17:38,260 --> 01:17:41,200
Considering the average age of every
male CAPS member, I'd say this was an
434
01:17:41,200 --> 01:17:42,200
emergency.
435
01:18:05,320 --> 01:18:07,880
Now that we have you back, Jim, what's
the plan?
436
01:18:08,120 --> 01:18:12,180
The plan is to have another second thing
before those blue pills you gave me
437
01:18:12,180 --> 01:18:13,099
wear off.
438
01:18:13,100 --> 01:18:16,100
Wrap this parody up so I can take
another nap.
439
01:18:17,340 --> 01:18:18,340
Captain.
440
01:18:21,940 --> 01:18:25,100
That was a little fresh, even for a porn
babe looking for a raise.
441
01:18:25,420 --> 01:18:28,900
I don't believe that was Yeoman Gland.
I'm going to follow her.
442
01:18:29,660 --> 01:18:33,480
See what she's up to. You two get up to
the bridge. Have Squatty engage every
443
01:18:33,480 --> 01:18:34,600
power system on board.
444
01:18:36,240 --> 01:18:38,140
It's going to wreak havoc on our
electric bill.
445
01:18:38,780 --> 01:18:43,040
I believe I understand what the
captain's trying to do here. I suggest
446
01:18:43,040 --> 01:18:44,040
the bridge immediately.
447
01:18:50,860 --> 01:18:52,680
Gentlemen, the engines.
448
01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:58,520
Mr. Schwartz, I want our acupuncturist
to watch you so frequently that it'll
449
01:18:58,520 --> 01:19:02,100
seem as if our entire crew has been
drinking water from a Tijuana
450
01:19:10,890 --> 01:19:13,730
off my feet and bring me to your
quarters like this.
451
01:19:13,990 --> 01:19:15,770
I think I like this game.
452
01:19:16,150 --> 01:19:17,150
You want to play with my crew?
453
01:19:17,750 --> 01:19:18,750
Start with me.
454
01:19:19,150 --> 01:19:20,150
Okay.
455
01:19:20,950 --> 01:19:22,270
I know who you are.
456
01:19:23,430 --> 01:19:24,430
Charlie.
457
01:19:30,130 --> 01:19:32,190
How very clever of you, Captain.
458
01:19:32,750 --> 01:19:33,890
More clever than you think.
459
01:19:34,330 --> 01:19:37,510
I also know that you put part of your
conscious mind into our computers.
460
01:19:37,790 --> 01:19:38,790
Keep it there forever.
461
01:19:39,290 --> 01:19:40,330
To be your personal toys.
462
01:19:41,510 --> 01:19:42,730
Well, then come here, toy.
463
01:20:40,660 --> 01:20:43,480
I don't know.
464
01:21:13,610 --> 01:21:15,830
Thank you.
465
01:21:56,600 --> 01:22:00,380
Oh, my God.
466
01:22:53,860 --> 01:22:56,660
Oh, God.
467
01:23:21,200 --> 01:23:22,400
Oh my god.
468
01:23:22,900 --> 01:23:25,900
Oh my god.
469
01:25:23,960 --> 01:25:25,360
Yeah.
470
01:25:28,100 --> 01:25:29,500
Yeah.
471
01:25:31,660 --> 01:25:33,060
Yeah.
472
01:25:35,460 --> 01:25:38,000
Yeah. Yeah.
473
01:25:39,040 --> 01:25:40,440
Yeah.
474
01:26:16,720 --> 01:26:17,720
Okay.
475
01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:20,600
Oh, my gosh.
476
01:29:41,740 --> 01:29:42,740
Like that, huh?
477
01:30:19,599 --> 01:30:20,599
Yeah.
478
01:30:21,880 --> 01:30:22,880
I'm gonna come.
479
01:31:25,740 --> 01:31:28,540
I can't seem to translate your mind with
my superior intellect.
480
01:31:29,940 --> 01:31:32,040
What are you doing? I know you're up to
something.
481
01:31:32,420 --> 01:31:33,420
You wanted power.
482
01:31:34,180 --> 01:31:35,260
I'm going to give you power.
483
01:31:35,720 --> 01:31:37,420
I'm allowed to give you a belly full of
it.
484
01:31:40,640 --> 01:31:45,100
Jim, we did it. We threw on every damn
light switch on the ship. I even left
485
01:31:45,100 --> 01:31:48,320
TV on in my quarters. If that doesn't
overload our system, nothing will.
486
01:31:50,040 --> 01:31:51,140
Stand back, Captain.
487
01:31:52,160 --> 01:31:53,160
Who's funny?
488
01:31:53,660 --> 01:31:54,660
It's me playing in the...
489
01:31:56,050 --> 01:32:00,990
The body is trying to absorb all the
energy that's around her.
490
01:32:02,050 --> 01:32:07,730
Sperm, quick. While she's disoriented,
make telepathic contact with her. Find
491
01:32:07,730 --> 01:32:12,090
out who the hell she is and how much
she's going to be paid for this silly
492
01:32:12,090 --> 01:32:13,090
acting job.
493
01:32:13,170 --> 01:32:17,910
We are Sperm. We are Charlie. We are
one.
494
01:32:18,450 --> 01:32:22,910
We share a collective memory of a
time...
495
01:32:23,310 --> 01:32:29,270
The ship crashed in a planet, and I
foresee a video flashback sequence
496
01:32:29,270 --> 01:32:30,390
explaining everything.
497
01:32:30,850 --> 01:32:31,489
The sperm.
498
01:32:31,490 --> 01:32:34,730
We don't have time for a video
flashback. Get to it, man.
499
01:32:35,110 --> 01:32:36,750
We survived the bash. We grew up.
500
01:32:38,630 --> 01:32:41,250
And we had help.
501
01:32:41,510 --> 01:32:45,750
The old ones gave us special powers.
502
01:32:46,290 --> 01:32:47,290
The old ones?
503
01:32:47,430 --> 01:32:49,630
Don't tell me Dick Clark is in this
movie.
504
01:32:50,010 --> 01:32:51,010
Boner, quiet.
505
01:32:51,360 --> 01:32:54,000
We're just about to find out what
happens to this stupid story.
506
01:32:54,420 --> 01:32:57,420
Oh, I was given great powers.
507
01:32:58,220 --> 01:33:04,940
But when a girl has experienced great
powers, she cannot live without this
508
01:33:04,940 --> 01:33:07,460
power. She cannot live.
509
01:33:07,900 --> 01:33:09,300
She cannot live.
510
01:33:09,700 --> 01:33:12,240
Boner, quick, tell the computer to solve
pi.
511
01:33:33,760 --> 01:33:37,540
Fascinating. Jim, I've seen you dump
girls after banging them, but this is
512
01:33:37,540 --> 01:33:38,540
ridiculous.
513
01:33:39,060 --> 01:33:40,620
It's more than ridiculous, boner.
514
01:33:41,600 --> 01:33:43,000
There's a moral to the story.
515
01:33:44,000 --> 01:33:47,740
When you're a chick and you've got fine
tits and fine ass, just like that one
516
01:33:47,740 --> 01:33:49,860
did, you've got to remain just that, a
chick.
517
01:33:50,700 --> 01:33:53,240
I had no business taking over other
people's minds and bodies.
518
01:33:53,480 --> 01:33:56,520
Let alone try to run a starship.
519
01:33:58,080 --> 01:33:59,400
That's a good moral, Captain.
520
01:34:00,240 --> 01:34:01,860
I think it'll be for a more now.
521
01:34:06,060 --> 01:34:09,980
Just as I suspected, Captain, the Hestie
has loved the ship.
522
01:34:10,440 --> 01:34:13,300
Into the cold vacuum from which it came.
523
01:34:13,640 --> 01:34:15,940
Good. At this time, we'll leave her
there.
524
01:34:16,260 --> 01:34:17,520
I think the General will agree.
525
01:34:18,600 --> 01:34:21,420
Some women are better left home on
Saturday night.
526
01:34:22,120 --> 01:34:23,580
Amen to that, Captain.
527
01:34:23,900 --> 01:34:27,980
But Jim, how did you know the entity
would flee the computers by trying to
528
01:34:27,980 --> 01:34:28,980
the equation of pi?
529
01:34:29,560 --> 01:34:31,640
Because the entity was a woman voter.
530
01:34:32,200 --> 01:34:37,720
Yes, Captain. And as a woman, she knew
how to bake a pie, but not how to solve
531
01:34:37,720 --> 01:34:38,720
it.
532
01:34:56,010 --> 01:34:57,010
Captain's log.
533
01:34:57,050 --> 01:35:01,350
Unicorps has encountered an Earth ship
from the past. A dark, dismal time, the
534
01:35:01,350 --> 01:35:02,410
year 2006.
535
01:35:05,910 --> 01:35:08,890
Coming up on slow -moving, unidentified
vessel, Captain.
536
01:35:09,130 --> 01:35:10,950
The ship's being pulled into a black
hole.
537
01:35:11,230 --> 01:35:15,690
She'll swallow that other ship faster
than a $10 English whore swallows semen.
538
01:35:15,930 --> 01:35:17,890
Sperm. Are you sure there's humans on
that ship?
539
01:35:18,370 --> 01:35:19,370
Affirmative, Captain.
540
01:35:20,330 --> 01:35:24,430
Captain, my deep, throbbing senses
indicate...
541
01:35:24,920 --> 01:35:26,580
Three of these forms are thin, then.
542
01:35:27,600 --> 01:35:29,120
Protractor beam on that ship, it's real.
543
01:35:29,600 --> 01:35:30,600
We must.
544
01:35:32,100 --> 01:35:33,100
Save the man!
545
01:35:55,890 --> 01:35:57,510
Look, the babes.
546
01:35:59,790 --> 01:36:04,390
Aye, they're babes, all right. Look at
as tasty as popsicles. As frozen, too.
547
01:36:04,830 --> 01:36:07,110
These are suspended animation tubes.
548
01:36:07,610 --> 01:36:10,670
Mr. Balls, I would like to inquire about
your women.
549
01:36:11,190 --> 01:36:12,650
Are they your crew members?
550
01:36:13,350 --> 01:36:15,030
No, they're actually more like cargo.
551
01:36:16,710 --> 01:36:18,430
You mean they're for sale?
552
01:36:19,610 --> 01:36:22,690
No, more like lease with an option to
buy.
553
01:36:22,970 --> 01:36:24,330
Best I can figure it, Jim.
554
01:36:24,820 --> 01:36:27,800
Balls' women are drawing all the energy
from all the male members of our crew.
555
01:36:27,900 --> 01:36:28,739
He's right, Captain.
556
01:36:28,740 --> 01:36:31,580
We must keep the crew members from
having sex with Balls.
40691
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