Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,237
* Men.
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,108
Ready, sweetheart?
3
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,676
LYNDSEY:
Almost.
4
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:11,612
Okay.
5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:14,014
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
6
00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:18,186
(belches)
7
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,089
Oh, dinner's sitting
a little heavy.
8
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,157
Well, maybe I can help you
work it off.
9
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,892
Yeah, about that--
10
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,761
honey, would you mind terribly
if we just go to sleep?
11
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,630
I'm so full and bloated
from that dinner,
12
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,865
it'd be like sticking
a pin in a balloon.
13
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,902
Can we not call it a pin?
14
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,570
I'm sorry.
15
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,539
I just don't think
I'd enjoy sex tonight.
16
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,040
Since when is that
a requirement?
17
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,842
(chuckling)
18
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:42,943
But seriously, it's fine.
19
00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,578
It's no problem.
20
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,013
Thank you.
21
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,716
Ugh.
22
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,919
Well, actually, it is a
little bit of problem.
23
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,187
What's that?
24
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:56,524
Well, uh, based
on past history--
25
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,993
um, expensive dinner,
drinks, valet parking--
26
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,929
um, I thought
27
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,831
we would probably
be fooling around tonight.
28
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,066
Uh, and-and-and with that
in mind,
29
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:09,537
uh, about 20 minutes ago,
I popped a little blue pill
30
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,273
to ensure that, uh,
31
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,208
when you were ready, so was I.
32
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,545
Of course, uh, now I'm ready
and you're not,
33
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:21,014
a situation they didn't really
cover in those commercials.
34
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,284
Oh, Alan.
35
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:24,752
No, that's okay. It's okay.
36
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,588
It's just kind of a shame
to waste them.
37
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:30,124
I mean, they-they are
kind of pricey,
38
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,161
even if they're expired ones
from Mexico.
39
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,564
If I give you $20,
will you let me go to sleep?
40
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,300
Oh, don't be silly.
41
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,035
I don't want
your money.
(sighs)
42
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,205
But there are...
43
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,740
other ways you
could reimburse me
44
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,677
that wouldn't require a lot
of effort on your part.
45
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,753
Should've taken the 20 bucks.
46
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,292
ALAN:
Oh, hey.
47
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,727
Oh, hey, Alan.
48
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,066
Want some whiskey?
49
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,768
I thought you
didn't like to drink.
50
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,103
I don't.
51
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,239
I'm trying to learn.
52
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,973
(groans)
53
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,777
I'm getting better.
54
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,045
Is this about
your ex-wife?
55
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,079
No.
Walden.
56
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,114
Maybe.
Walden.
57
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,282
Yes.
58
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,219
(groans)
59
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,386
All right, all right.
60
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:33,987
Listen to me.
61
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,290
Alcohol is just a bandage
for your problems.
62
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,658
And I know this
63
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,893
because I used to live
with the Mummy.
64
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,396
Uh... come on.
65
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:44,097
We, uh... we got to get
your mind off of her.
66
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,933
Let's, uh...
let's watch some TV.
67
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,134
(sighs)
68
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,902
Bridget and I
used to watch TV.
69
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,004
That's the spirit.
70
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,974
Okay, let's see
what's on.
71
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,976
Oh. (chuckles)
72
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,178
Cinnamon's Buns.
73
00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:02,149
"A medieval wench
falls for a bawdy baker.
74
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,984
Adult. 1992."
75
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,420
Ooh, a selection
from the classic era
76
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,789
of soft-core cable porn.
77
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:12,926
Or what I like to call
the winter bush years.
78
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,396
I haven't watched much
porn since college.
79
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,130
Yeah, me, neither.
80
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,700
When I see it now, I just
feel bad for the girls.
81
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,303
Yeah, yeah,
somebody's daughter. Shh.
82
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,372
MAN (over TV):
Are you ready to learn my craft?
83
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,974
Of course, Master Baker.
84
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,109
I am entirely in your hands.
85
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,045
This is not
historically accurate.
86
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:36,750
Medieval bakers did not
dress like Chef Boyardee.
87
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,887
Don't need the DVD
commentary here.
88
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,154
Sorry.
89
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,423
BAKER:
Now, Cinnamon,
90
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,825
take my frosting bag.
91
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,026
It's so big.
92
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,195
I can barely get
my hand around it.
93
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,431
Use both hands, m'lady.
94
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:53,033
It's well written.
95
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,402
Like this?
96
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,169
Now, squeeze,
97
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,139
and anoint thy muffins
with my frosting.
98
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,311
Boy, she looks
familiar.
99
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,912
Yeah, she does.
100
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,780
If I wasn't here,
would you be masturbating?
101
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:11,285
You kidding? I'd be done
and fixing a sandwich.
102
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,087
Master Baker,
whatever are you doing?
103
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:17,257
I'm going to put my
loaf in your oven.
104
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,860
(chuckling)
105
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,895
That's clever.
106
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,364
I don't know.
107
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,466
She looks like a younger version
of your girlfriend.
108
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:27,335
Lyndsey?
Uh-huh.
109
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,337
Oh, nah.
110
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:33,173
WOMAN:
Oh, oh, you're so masterful!
111
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,175
Kind of sounds like her, too.
112
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,745
Maybe.
113
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,212
Although I can't say
I've ever heard Lyndsey
114
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,081
use that particular phrase.
115
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,451
WOMAN:
Don't stop! I can't get enough!
116
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,486
Or that one.
117
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:49,423
Maybe if I heard her say,
"Damn it, get off my hair."
118
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,226
I don't know, Alan.
119
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,162
I think that's
your girlfriend.
120
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,030
No, no.
121
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,333
WOMAN:
Yes! Yes!
122
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,868
No. No.
123
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,070
Yes! Yes!
124
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,406
Oh, God! Oh, God!
125
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,875
Oh, God!
126
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,178
Boy, she's not
very convincing.
127
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,313
It is Lyndsey.
128
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:15,182
Okay, I'm going to go
upstairs and masturbate.
129
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,484
Wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
130
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,285
You're... you're
going to go
131
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,253
pleasure yourself while you're
thinking about my girlfriend?
132
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,489
No, that'd be creepy.
133
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:22,890
I'm going to go pleasure myself
134
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,358
while I'm thinking
about my wife.
135
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,794
Wait. Your... your wife?
Seriously?
136
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,396
Yeah, what can I say?
I love Bridget,
137
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,464
and I think she's the sexiest
woman in the whole world.
138
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,833
Uh, you never fantasize
about anybody else?
139
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,102
Mmm, sometimes I imagine
she's twins.
140
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,937
Boo-ya!
141
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,510
I never even thought of my wife
142
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:45,112
when I was actually
having sex with my wife.
143
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:49,316
LYNDSEY (over TV):
Oh, Master Baker!
144
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,986
Boy, she never let me
do that to her.
145
00:05:56,490 --> 00:06:00,093
Until now.
146
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,130
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
147
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,366
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
148
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:10,003
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
149
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,072
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *
150
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,408
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
151
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:18,178
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
152
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,482
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
153
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,591
* Men.
154
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,793
How's your day
looking? Busy?
155
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,095
Yeah. Busy.
156
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,297
Look, I'm sorry
about last night.
157
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,800
It's okay.
I did offer this morning.
158
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,169
Can't expect me to turn on
like a light switch
159
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,737
whenever the whim strikes you.
160
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,107
I'm not just a piece of meat,
you know.
161
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,476
You're kidding, right?
162
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,343
In the entire time
I've known you,
163
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,546
you've never once passed up
an opportunity for sex.
164
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:56,817
So as not to hurt your feelings,
sometimes my mouth says, "Yes,"
165
00:06:56,884 --> 00:07:00,721
when my soul is screaming, "No."
166
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,623
Oh, please!
167
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,792
I can't even bend over
to take off my shoes
168
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,226
without you trying to mount me.
169
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,195
Hey, hey, that was an accident.
170
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,430
I was trying to walk and text.
171
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:14,334
You were texting,
"Here comes Mr. Pokey."
172
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,368
Morning.
173
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,369
Morning.
Morning.
174
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,370
We'll talk later.
175
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,572
About Mr. Pokey?
176
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,141
I was speaking to Lyndsey.
177
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,711
Sounds like a short
conversation.
178
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,648
I should have my own talk show.
179
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,116
Okay.
180
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,383
I've got to get to work.
181
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,485
I'll call you later?
182
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,753
If you want.
(sighs)
183
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,154
Bye, Berta.
184
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,789
You're an attractive woman.
185
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,891
You don't have to settle.
186
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,794
I mean, bye!
187
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,764
So, trouble in paradise?
188
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,533
Why on Earth do you think
189
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,200
I would share my problems
with you?
190
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,602
Oh, come on.
191
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,671
I may tease you now and then,
but that doesn't mean
192
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,806
that I don't care about you
as a human being.
193
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,878
All right.
194
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,613
What do you do when you're in
195
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,615
a relationship with someone
and, you know,
196
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,816
like all
relationships, it...
197
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,685
it has its ups
and downs, but...
198
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:07,320
generally, things are
going pretty good
199
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,822
until one day you discover
200
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,225
that they are not at all
who you thought they were?
201
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,628
And you don't know whether
to confront them about it or...
202
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,229
or pretend you don't know,
203
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,632
because the idea of being alone
is worse
204
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,569
than being with someone
who's deceived you.
205
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,373
Berta?
206
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,175
Hello?
207
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,910
BERTA:
Turns out I don't care.
208
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,682
Morning.
209
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:35,783
Morning.
210
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,450
Hey, I was thinking
211
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,319
about your girlfriend's
porno movie.
212
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,254
Me, too. What about it?
213
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,455
I want to learn to bake.
214
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,693
What?
215
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,460
I think it'd be fun.
216
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,699
You know, cookies and cupcakes,
pie, bread.
217
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,201
That's what you took
from watching two people
218
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,936
get it on
in a 16th century kitchen?
219
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,638
Well, I already know
how to have sex.
220
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,206
How do you make
buttermilk biscuits?
221
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,608
There's a mystery.
222
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,243
* Men.
223
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,578
(knock at door)
224
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,314
Hey.
225
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,682
We need to talk.
226
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,383
Is everything okay?
227
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,485
Not really. Can I come in?
228
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,621
Sure.
229
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,357
What's going on?
230
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:18,892
Okay, I don't know
how to say this
231
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,493
except just to say it.
232
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,995
Oh, God, are
you still upset
233
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,764
about not getting
laid last night?
234
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,967
I'm still upset about not
getting laid in high school.
235
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,437
But that's not what
I want to talk about.
236
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,706
Um, last night,
after you went to sleep,
237
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,943
I turned on the TV
and stumbled on
238
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,612
a little motion picture
you appeared in.
239
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,781
(sighs)
240
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,916
You saw Cinnamon's Buns.
241
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:46,854
I saw Cinnamon's buns.
I saw Cinnamon's boobs.
242
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,689
I saw the little birthmark
243
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,891
on the inside
of Cinnamon's thigh.
244
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,425
Oh, God.
245
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,794
I mean, one minute
I-I'm dating
246
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,295
a soccer mom
from Sherman Oaks,
247
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,597
and the next minute
a porn star on Cinemax.
248
00:09:58,632 --> 00:09:59,767
I'm not a porn star.
249
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,034
It was a little nudity.
250
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,302
And simulated sex.
251
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,370
Most of it.
252
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,940
Mo-most of it?
253
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,042
It was 20 years
ago, Alan.
254
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,044
I-I was young, stupid
and needed the money.
255
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,412
Well, why didn't you
tell me about it?
256
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,747
Oh, yeah, right.
Who wouldn't be
257
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,448
looking forward to
this conversation?
258
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,885
Well, I... I just feel
like such an idiot.
259
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,753
You feel like an idiot?
260
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,690
That casting director said he
could get me on Melrose Place.
261
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,428
I'm sorry.
262
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:29,963
I should have told you.
263
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,499
Any other secrets
you'd like to share with me?
264
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,967
Wait a second.
265
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,568
That's a two-way street.
266
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,637
Do you have any secrets
you want to tell me?
267
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,339
Me? I'm an open book.
268
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,674
Great. Chapter one.
269
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,442
What have you done
that you're ashamed of
270
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,911
and don't want anyone
to know about?
271
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,449
All right.
272
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:53,320
Um... when I was a little boy,
273
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,724
um, we had a dog
named Rusty,
274
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,827
um, who loved
peanut butter,
275
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,962
and, uh,
276
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,798
my brother, uh,
convinced me
277
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,500
that the best way
to feed him, uh,
278
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,003
was to, uh, uh, smear it
on my testicles.
279
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,405
Um...
280
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,475
No surprise, that dog
got very, very fat.
281
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,110
Um...
282
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,813
* Men.
283
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,816
So, long story short,
I kissed the guy.
284
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,987
Because, you know,
how else would I know
285
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,655
whether or not I was gay?
286
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:31,759
What did you decide?
287
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,693
Well, I may love
Broadway musicals
288
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,629
and have an eye for fashion,
but that's where it stops.
289
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,631
Okay.
290
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,400
Let's recap the highlights.
291
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:43,804
You embezzled money
from your family,
292
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,638
you cheated on me
with an old girlfriend,
293
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,107
Mm-hmm.
you might be
the father
294
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,942
of Judith and
Herb's baby,
295
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,978
you didn't tell
your late brother that the woman
296
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,846
he was chasing
was married to a mannequin
297
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:55,115
because she gave you $50,000
to keep it a secret.
298
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,684
And to top
it all off,
299
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,687
you gave the family dog
type 2 diabetes.
300
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,924
Oh, wait, one more thing.
301
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,593
Those diamond earrings I got you
for your birthday last year...
302
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,461
Let me guess.
They're not real.
303
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,863
Oh, no, they're real.
304
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,632
Uh, it's just, I kind of
stole them from my ex-wife.
305
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:19,139
You know, it really feels good
to get all this off my chest.
306
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,074
Okay, now your turn.
307
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,949
Probably shouldn't
have gone first.
308
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:31,018
* Men.
309
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,457
* Men.
310
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:40,994
(both laughing)
311
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:44,865
I'm so glad I learned to bake.
312
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,135
(laughing)
313
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,338
I'm so glad I'm baked.
314
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,807
(both laughing)
315
00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:56,709
Hey.
316
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:58,979
What are you doing?
317
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:01,882
Oh... I'm baking brownies
318
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,918
and Berta is making my head
into a dreamcatcher.
319
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,122
I'm guessing
it was Berta's recipe.
320
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,291
It was!
321
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:15,795
But I did the baking, because
I am a master baker now.
322
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,164
(laughing)
323
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,732
That was funny.
324
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,169
You should be a guest
on my talk show.
325
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,037
I'm in.
326
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:27,274
Well, I have done something
incredibly stupid.
327
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,376
(whispers):
Whatever you do,
don't say "what?"
328
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,243
What?
329
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,245
Lyndsey and I split up.
330
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,048
Oh, no. What happened?
331
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,918
Well, I made the mistake
332
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,819
of thinking
honesty is the best policy.
333
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,388
It is a good policy.
334
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:44,391
You know, another
good policy?
335
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,159
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
336
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:54,801
Zippy, the only time
in this world
337
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,769
you want to be
completely honest
338
00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,273
is when the paramedics ask,
"What did you take?"
339
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,112
Two brownies
and a peach Snapple.
340
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,147
(laughing)
341
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,748
Snapple.
342
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,384
Snapple.
343
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,386
Okay.
344
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,990
Well, it's been real nice
talking at the two of you.
345
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,358
Where you going?
346
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,427
Uh, I need a little time
to be alone.
347
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,029
Okay.
348
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,231
G'bye-bye!
349
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,339
Man, it is hard when the person
you love doesn't love you back.
350
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,242
You don't have
to love me.
351
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,310
What?
352
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,413
You heard me,
Mr. Master Baker.
353
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,250
(both laughing)
354
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,385
* Men.
355
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,386
Hi, Lyndsey.
356
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,854
Uh, it's me again.
357
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,123
Um, you don't
have to call me back,
358
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,026
but I just want you to know
that the only reason
359
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,761
that I was so honest with you
360
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,065
is because I care about you
and I trust you.
361
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,534
And a lot of those things
I've never told anybody,
362
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,938
and I'd appreciate it
if you didn't, either.
363
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:07,040
Um...
364
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:10,877
Especially the peanut butter
and the dog.
365
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,914
I got enough problems
without the ASPCA on my ass.
366
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:18,785
Um, anyway, I-I love you
and I miss you,
367
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:21,021
and I'm-I'm sorry
I made such a big deal
368
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:24,091
about your film career.
369
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,159
And for what it's worth,
370
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:29,963
um, I got a really big kick out
of seeing your original breasts.
371
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,367
Okay. Bye-bye.
372
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:42,275
Oh, she's gonna take
that last part wrong.
373
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,077
WALDEN:
Hey, Alan, come
here quick!
374
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,145
Hurry!
375
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:50,417
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
376
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,655
ALL:
Surprise!
377
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,824
What's... what's going on?
378
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,692
It's a party to cheer you up.
379
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,463
Hey, Alan, say hello to
380
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,665
the Malibu College
beach volleyball team.
381
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:06,733
WOMEN:
Hi!
382
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:10,337
Hello.
383
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,739
Here, Alan, have a brownie.
384
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,143
They're mmm-mmm good.
385
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,445
Gee, Walden,
I really appreciate this,
386
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,647
but it's a little soon
for me to be partying.
387
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,682
I'm still hurting over Lyndsey.
388
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:26,386
But what am I gonna do with
all these incredibly hot girls
389
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,188
in bikinis
that are in the process
390
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,390
of getting stoned
out of their minds?
391
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,626
You're right,
I'm being thoughtless.
392
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,728
Alan's here!
393
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,597
* Men.
394
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,699
(pop music playing)
395
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,968
(women giggling)
396
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,641
Do I look delicious?
397
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,343
'Cause I feel delicious.
398
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,080
(laughter)
399
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,714
Hey, Zip, I'm home.
400
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,049
Where you been?
401
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,685
Not a clue.
402
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:10,163
Whoa, I just saw a giant cat
holding a churro.
403
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,100
(doorbell rings)
404
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,569
If that's a giant mouse,
he's in big trouble.
405
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,211
Hey, it's Cinnamon!
406
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,479
Oh, God, you saw it, too?
407
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,448
Yeah, just a little.
408
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,650
Then I went upstairs
to masturbate.
409
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,019
Terrific.
410
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,354
Is Alan here?
411
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,657
Um...
412
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,326
I don't think so.
413
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,362
Let me check.
414
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,541
You said Alan, right?
415
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,143
Right.
416
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,610
Hold on.
417
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,548
All right, all right.
418
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,816
Ladies, have you
got your spoons?
419
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,486
Well, get rid of them.
420
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:07,754
We are eating freestyle!
421
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,157
(laughter)
422
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,358
Uh, excuse me.
423
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,492
Wait. Hey. Whoa!
424
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,127
Hey, what are
you doing?
425
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,762
You'll thank me later.
426
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,130
I can fly!
427
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,531
(dull thud)
Oh!
428
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,300
No, I can't.
429
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,279
You said Alan, right?
430
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,846
Right.
431
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,448
He's not here.
432
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,717
Are you having some sort
of a party in there?
433
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,087
Oh, no, it's just a bunch
of stoned girls dancing.
434
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,691
G'bye-bye!
435
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,759
Works better with an oven mitt.
436
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,035
Walden!
437
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,971
Oh, hey, Alan.
438
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,407
You look ucky.
439
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,142
Was that Lyndsey?
440
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,278
Yeah. I told her
you were not here.
441
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:08,548
I was not here because
you threw me off the deck.
442
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:12,285
No, I threw you off the deck
so you would not be here.
443
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:16,423
Wouldn't it have been easier
to just skip the throwing
444
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,991
and tell her I'm not here?
445
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:19,992
(chuckles)
446
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:23,029
Next time.
447
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,031
Oh! Hey.
448
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,099
Great news,
we got a cat.
449
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,168
* Men.
450
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,106
* Men.
451
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,008
So I thought about
it, and I decided
452
00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:38,478
that I really can't fault
you for opening up to me.
453
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,614
I mean, every good relationship
has got to be based on honesty.
454
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,650
Well, I'm glad
you feel that way.
455
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,220
By the way, where were you
when I came over to the house?
456
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:51,258
Well... honesty, right?
457
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:52,525
(chuckles):
Right.
458
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,399
I'm such a schmuck!
459
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:02,101
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
460
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,404
The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta.
It's great, for the price
of good. That's das auto.
31028
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof