All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s10e09 - Air Horn Andy

Oh, no!

SHE MUTTERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies
and welcome to Taskmaster.

There are just two shows left now,

only two opportunities
for our five famous foes

to accumulate enough points to
become the new Taskmaster champion.

Soon, one of them will be able to
hold aloft my golden trophy

and proudly proclaim,
"I have won this prize.

"OK, so, in doing so

"I have rendered myself unemployable
within my chosen field.

"Sure, my partner has had a rethink

"and gone to live at their mum's for
a while. But this trophy,

"this victory, is mine."

So, let's hear it for those vying
for this honour

for the penultimate time.

Welcome, Daisy May Cooper.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me,
like a saveloy

that's been tossed around
by a moulting dog,

he's hairy but full of flavour,

your very own little Alex Horne.

Thanks, Greg.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cheers, mate. Oh, no. No?

Thanks, Greg.
I don't like that at all.

Oh, I'm exhausted, Greg.

I know.

All the training. Have I told you
about what I'm training for?

No, you haven't.
You know I love the deep-sea diving?

Yep. So I'm just trying to get
my lung capacity up.

Breathing underwater.

35 minutes now, with my new system.

You want to see it? Yes, please.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

35 minutes I can do that.

So as long as I'm down there
and there and my nose is up there,

absolutely fine.

LAUGHTER

Are you cross? No.

I'm just enjoying the, er...

The sniggers of politeness.

Right. What's the penultimate
prize task category, then, Alex?

It's the best bedding.
Oh! Neat as a sheet.

You'll judge which of them has
brought in

the best bedding and that person
will bed five points.

At the end of the episode,

the winner will take home lots of
brill bedding

and smug as a bug in five rugs.

All right, then. Mawaan, you got me
some sweet, sweet bedding?

Yeah, I've brought in
my favourite travel pillow.

Oh. It looks like this.

Oh! Oh, God!

Dual function. For...?

Yeah, I need to write down something
here. What's the other thing?

You could use it as a pillow.
Yeah, and just for his records,

the second function?
You could keep buns hot in...

What, in there?
That's not what you meant, is it?

You've ruined my favourite travel
pillow for me. That's awful.

I think you've ruined it already.

He's only ruined it if he's
attracted to elephants.

Let's see it in action. This is how
you wear the ostrich pillow.

Oh, my God!

I hear what you're saying - it looks
like an elephant's arse.

But when you wear it, it's the
comfiest thing you'll ever wear.

I think something that brings
you a lot of happiness and comfort

has been defiled.
Cos of these...perverts.

They're perverts. They are.

Katherine, bedding.
What have you brought in?

I chose silk sheets.

I've never slept on silk sheets
and I am 43.

Why have you brought them along
if you don't use them?

Because I thought if I offered it as
a prize, I might...

I might get some. The silk is
obtained from the cocoons

of the larvae of the mulberry silk
worm Bombyx mori, bred in captivity.

It's just caterpillar poo,
innit, silk? It is, yeah.

I actually thought it was, er, the
semen. Is it caterpillar semen?

It's obtained from the cocoons
of the larvae.

I don't think they are
yet ejaculating.

So, so far, we've had
a restrictive sex aid

and something that's been
woven out of caterpillar sperm.

What's next? Daisy?

Clean sheets.

I just want to know why that's
a novelty for you.

Possibly because mine
aren't very often clean.

Are they not? No, recently I've got
a really bad problem with...

Oh, God! With drooling when I sleep.

Oh, phew! It's not the worst of
my bedtime problems.

But it's up there.

But these are clean cotton sheets?

But having it changed and having
clean cotton sheets -

just everything is... Just being
able to get into bed and... It is.

Isn't it great?

Johnny, what bedding have you
brought us? I'm going out on a limb.

I've merely brought in lambswool.
Lambswool?

Apparently for birds and nesting,
it's warm when it needs to be,

it's cool when it needs to be.

Nature does best what we try
to reproduce ourselves.

That's made me really emotional.
That's really beautiful.

When I left London
before the lockdown,

I made sure I left lambswool out.
Really? You put it in

a little spiral cage and the birds
come and take it.

In anticipation of bringing it
on this show?

Yeah, I'm just gonna go back

and deny the birds so I can win
Taskmaster.

So now, loads of little chicks
are really cold.

It's almost as if you made it up
this morning. No!

We've got one left, right? Yeah,
we are gonna end with Richard.

I've had something specially
commissioned by Fantasy Bedding.

Here it is.

Oh, my God! You can sleep
on one pillow

and pretend you're in bed with Greg,
Sleep on the other pillow

and pretend you're in bed with Alex
or you can go in the middle.

Menage a trois.

Why do I look so surprised?

It looks like Alex's wife has just
walked into the room,

you've clocked her at the door and
Alex is like, "say something."

Say something!

Right. I am going to give
two points each

to Johnny and Katherine

because I was equally uninspired
by both of them.

Silk sheets and wool. Correct. OK.

I'm giving three points...
Because she sold it so well,

and I do love slipping into
a lovely cold cotton sheet,

I'm gonna give three points
to Daisy.

Just because he's happy with it and
I hate to see a young man

brought down by horrible
old perverts,

I'm giving Mawaan four points.
Well done.

And because I think
there's money in it,

I'm giving five points
to Richard Herring.

Well done, Richard. Five points.

Hey, Alex, have you got
a task ready?

Yes, it's time for some
low-rent architecture.

Alex. Hi, Johnny.

That was quite a measured entrance.

It was, wasn't it? Very calm.

A bit dramatic, a bit Downton Abbey.

All right? All right?
I've never said "all right" before.

All right? All right? All right?
Yeah, you're good at it. Thank you.

"Make..."
HE CHUCKLES

I hate stuff like this.

"Make the biggest beermat house
on this table."

"While making your biggest beermat
house,

"you must ring the doorbell
after exactly one minute."

"Then after 58 more seconds..."

"Then 56 seconds
and so on until zero seconds."

So, basically, two seconds down.

"Biggest beermat house wins."

"If you make more than two mistakes
with the doorbell timing,

"you will be disqualified."

"Your time ends when you press
the doorbell for the last time,

"and starts now."

OK.

So, it'll be one minute and then
58 seconds, then 56 seconds.

So I've got to keep going
in and out.

Oh, I understand. That's obvious.

OK, what's the point of that?
So I keep vigilant?

Stay present? I'm not sure what
the point of any of it is.

You're uncomfortable with any kind
of casual greeting, aren't you?

"All right?" Yeah.
Yeah, I don't like it.

That's my first observation, and my
second is that Richard Herring

says he hates things like this
as if people regularly ask him...

HE CHUCKLES
"Oh, I hate this."

..to make a house out of beermats.

OK, so they had ever-diminishing
time periods

to go in and out of the room.

They could see a clock. They could
see the time ticking down,

otherwise it would be too hard.

But they had just over a quarter
of an hour in total.

Obviously, they would have smaller
and smaller gaps as they went along.

And to introduce the first people,
I'm gonna use the male equivalents

of their female names -
it's Keith and Desmond.

So it's up to you how you
make a beermat house.

Do I have any Sellotape?

If you want it.
Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, let's get... Come on, let's
get this Sellotape in, please.

How long do you think it takes
to get to the front door?

Perfect timing.
Start again with 58.

You don't really get any prizes
for building a cool house.

It's more about the doorbell,
isn't it?

Well, it's all about the size
of the house. So, this is good.

When are you going to
ring the doorbell?

Er... Yeah, ideally at 58.

Yeah. Oh, fuck it.

Look, this is good.

Did I miss it? Yeah, that felt like
a bit of a mistake.

I'm sort of busy thinking
about the house.

Yes.

Ah, pile them like this!

Of course!

What do you normally
build a house with? Bricks.

And...? Straw.

So, that's the roof.

I just feel like all I've done is
ring the doorbell.

Yeah, a bit late this time,
Katherine.

Fuck! No!

I just don't think
this looks like a house.

You better go and ring the doorbell.
Just ringing the doorbell.

I'm just ringing the doorbell.

Are... Are you stopping? Yeah.

Oh, my God, there's so many of them.
Go and ring the doorbell, Katherine.

Katherine, you need to
go and ring the doorbell.

Can I have a cup of tea?

Yes.

Hang on, hang on.

DOORBELL RINGS
Ah.

Time to go and ring the doorbell,
Katherine.

See, I'm getting quicker.

Well, time's getting shorter,
isn't it? Off you go, Katherine.

I might just build the nursery
round the house.

He lives here.

That's his mate Gareth.

There really won't be a lot of time
now between each one.

Now? Yes, off you go.

Ah! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Katherine...

Probably need to go and ring
the doorbell now, Katherine.

I'll just stay here.

One, two.

Go.

Just two seconds.

Oh, what's the point?
What's the point? Katherine.

Sorry, that was childish.

What's the point?

I haven't made a house.

APPLAUSE

I felt genuinely quite low.

Well, it's the angriest
I've ever seen you.

You took a house and you made it
not look like a house.

But it was so rapid.

I will be amazed if anyone's
managed to do it.

I managed to build a house. She did.

This was her finished product.
There's the house.

I can't wait to move in(!)

I've rendered it as...
It's Georgian, isn't it?

Well, I've rendered it
as an architect would.

So, if that was a house,
it would look like this.

It's lovely. Yeah, that's exactly
what it would look like.

Well, if that's a lovely house,

what I was left with would
constitute some kind of building.

The trouble is, you were also
disqualified many times over

for not ringing the doorbell
in time.

Daisy stopped running at the
42-second mark. She just gave up.

And worse, and what really sticks
in my craw, is,

I'm gonna have to give her points

for basically just throwing
some beermats in a big pile.

There is a gap in the middle.
There's a gap in the...

So, they're sort of foundations.

OK, what's the gap in the middle?

For living space. Oh.

Cooking, eating, sleeping,
entertaining.

Yeah, fine. Absolutely fine.

"I bought us a house."

"Oh, God, I would rather you told me
about it first."

"No, no, no, you're gonna love it.

"It's got a big hole in the middle
for us to sleep and eat in.

"And raise our children."

Do you want to see some more houses?
Yes, sure.

This time we've got
Margaret and Rita.

Here we go.

I don't understand how you do it.

Probably takes you five seconds
to reach the front door, by the way.

It's just stress, man.

You need to go and ring
the doorbell.

I don't know why I'm bothering
ringing the doorbell.

HE YELLS

OK, do you know what?

Two, one.

What have you got there?
I've got the doorbell. Now then.

DOORBELL RINGS
Yeah, great, jammy.

You're a lot more relaxed now.
Yeah, I think it's cos

I've got the doorbell here. It's
really alleviated a lot of stress.

Ah!

I've cut my hand!

There's blood on the doorbell.

I've cut my... Cut my hand.

Stop putting blood on the doorbell,
Richard.

I'm starting to see a doorway.

Let's try for a second storey.
Need a lot more room.

Oh, shit. Forgot about the doorbell.

Don't bother with this door.

DOORBELL RINGS

Do you have anything that turns?

Something that turns?

I've got this.

Double-sided tape.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Richard.

There's the house. I mean, blood and
sweat and tears have gone into this.

I don't mean to brag,
but it's a work of art.

APPLAUSE

There was a boxing match years ago,

when Chris Eubank was
at the height of his powers

and he had a lot
of battles with Nigel Benn.

And in their most brutal fight,
Eubank won it on points

and they went over to him
and they said,

"Chris, you must be elated
after such a monumental battle."

And Chris Eubank said something

and it's now all I remember
about the fight. He said,

"He split my tongue.
Get an ambulance."

And all I remember of Richard's
attempt is, "I've cut me finger."

It doesn't matter
what his house looks like.

This is what he ended up with.

He sort of piled the beermats
around the little model of a house.

Yeah. It was rubbish. I mean, this
is what it would look like

if it was an actual house,
obviously. No, it wouldn't.

Who rendered these? I rendered
these. You don't like them?

That's a really nice house.
Go back to Richard's house.

Here's Richard's house.
That's what it's like!

What you on about? Door there
to go in. It's absolute madness.

Mawaan, on the other hand, this
could be your finest hour, I think.

The bell alone. I watched four
people in here go, "Gah!"

This is the lighthouse that he
constructed. Here it is.

Look at that. Amazing.

KATHERINE: I said,
"Oh, wow, it's a windmill.

Yeah.

Right, that's the end of part one.

Already, we have windmilled through
that part

like a couple of flying ninjas.

See you in a few minutes.

Hello, and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

What was going on
before the break, Alex?

Before the break, the contenders
were trying to build beermat houses

under an ever decreasing time-limit.

There's only one person left.
He's the perennial voice of hope.

He is Johnny Vegas.

Oh, this is rubbish.

Why did I even bother?
I shut the door.

I can get one more in.

Oh. Go on.

I've lost many a bar job just
standing there licking beermats.

I once repaired a bicycle puncture
with my spittle.

It's amazingly strong.

HE MUTTERS ANGRILY

Sorry, chicken.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm gonna attempt summat
highly controversial.

I'm putting a supporting wall there.

Oh, just hang on.

It's your fault!

There, there. I'm gonna miss it.

Watch this one.

Never learned to read but...

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

HE GRUNTS

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm just making
Little House On The Prairie, OK?

Cos otherwise, what's the point?

It's just a homestead.

BUZZER

Aw! That was the task that
I was most invested in.

I thought it was my time to shine
and that broke my heart.

But your skill is clear,
cos we saw the house.

And you even put in
a supporting wall.

There was actual construction talk
mentioned in there.

I mean, sure, architecture's changed
these days.

These days, people just make
a hole in a load of rubbish.

It was beautiful, Johnny.

He called it Vegas Villas... Vegas
Villas. ..when it was at its peak.

Well, every one of them
was an apartment.

Heart-breaking. Yeah.

Sadly, you've got to score this.

Do these two get any points -
Johnny and Katherine?

I mean, God forgive me but no.

Oh, please, for effort.

I can't. I can't give effort points.

That's not...
I think he should get more than me.

His was really hard. Licking it,
making his own cement.

Just give me one point

for emotionally investing myself
in the task.

Let me think about that. OK.

I'm giving Mawaan five points.

Five points.

I mean, my God,
they don't deserve it.

Four points to Daisy,
three points to Richard.

And then we've got zero for
Katherine, and there's just the...

There's just the matter of
a bonus point for Johnny. Please.

No. No points. Zero to Johnny.

Well done. Seriously?

I can't see people
seeing me being publicly weak.

I have a 17-year-old and he's never
gonna speak to me after this.

So be it.

Scoreboard. Scoreboard, yes.

Mawaan's in the lead
with nine points.

What have we got next?

Next one up is a fancy one, Greg.

This involves lots of tasks
and I get to press some buttons.

Here we go.

Hello, Daisy.

Greetings.

Oh, there's some fruit. That's nice.

Chocolate Orange, I spy.

Where's the task?

Colder.

Warmer. Warmer.

Hot, hot. Colder. Colder.

Ooh. Now then.

No. Careful. Yes.

Oh. I should have just looked down.

OK. "Complete the most tasks."

"There is one task behind each door.

"You may choose the order to open
the doors."

"You may only move
when the doors are moving."

"And you must stay
this side of the line."

Yeah, where you are now. That line
that goes all the way across.

"During the task, you must tell Alex
which door to open

"within one minute of
the previous door closing."

"You must tell Alex which door
to open first

"within one minute from now."

Does it all make sense? Yes.

And is the Chocolate Orange part of
the task?

I don't... I genuinely don't know.
OK, great.

So, which door would you like me
to open first, Richard?

Two.

Five.

Three. Er, I'll go for
door number two.

One. One?

No. Three.

Have you thought about four?

Let's do four first, yeah.

LAUGHTER
I'm very suggestible.

I've got a theory that if you put
a Chocolate Orange in any situation

in life, that'll be the focus of
anyone's attention.

OK, let's crack on.

Here we go, then. Hello, matron.

We're gonna start with Dick and
Johnny.

Good luck, Richard. Thank you.

BOTH: "Kick three orange things
through this door."

Stop.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, God!

JOHNNY YELLS

I didn't know I could scream
in that octave.

Have you kicked anything before?

I got... The last one was...

Door number four, please, Alex.
Right. You have to stay there.

Er, three. Here we go.

"Empty the bucket and put
both your shoes in it."

"Eat a whole banana."

You can move now if you want.
Oh, can I?

Now you can't.

I think I've done that one.
Congratulations, Richard.

What door do you want next, Johnny?

HE MUTTERS
Say again?

MUFFLED: Number three.

Number...? Three.

Number three? Go on, then.

Let's go for one.

"Empty the bucket and put
both your shoes in it."

Come on - look what I'm wearing!

"Throw ten yellow
things through this door."

Oh!

I didn't have to take them off,
did I?

I think I was too far away.
You were too far away, yes.

Seeing as I'm closer to five
and I've got my feet in a bucket...

We'd better go to four.

Don't put your feet in the bucket!

"Eat a whole banana."

"Sit on the bucket and completely
peel an orange and a banana."

Get out of it!

I choose number five.

He springs off the bucket.

Bucket Man!

"Sit on the bucket and completely
peel an orange and a banana."

"Throw ten yellow things
through this door." Oh, God!

God, I look like the kid
at the end of Jerry Maguire!

These are my observations. Do you
want to hear them? Yes, please.

"Neither of these men
can kick anything

"in a direction of their choice."
Correct.

"Under pressure,
Richard Herring will not,

"despite points being at stake,
rush eating a banana.

"He enjoys a banana like a monkey."

And finally, "The sequel
to Jerry Maguire

"will fail to capture the hearts
of the public."

Got all that.
Those are my observations.

They had five tasks to do.
I've got it down that

Richard did 21⁄4 Of them,
while Johnny did 2.3 of them.

It's difficult for me to say how
impressive that was

out of the context of the rest of
the group,

so I think we should just crack on
and see some more.

OK, well, let's see two people
wearing all-in-ones all in one.

Katherine and Mawaan.

"Eat a whole banana."

"Empty the bucket
and put both your shoes in it."

Stop.

Oh, God. How long have I got?

SHE YELLS

Oh, God! I'm gonna be sick.

Stop.

Now, which door would you like me
to open next, Mawaan?

There's a Chocolate Orange.

OK.

Number three. Four, please.

"Empty the bucket and put
both your shoes in it."

"Eat a whole banana."

Easy shoes.

Mawaan, which door would you
like me to open now? Mm...

MUFFLED: Number one, please.
Say again.

Number one, please.

"Kick three oranges
through this door."

"Throw ten yellow things
through this door."

Ah! Sorry!

Sorry!

I need three more things.

It's not even yellow.

Which door would you like me
to open next, Mawaan? Two, please.

One, please. Cos it's closer? Yeah.

"Kick three orange things
through this door."

"Throw ten yellow things
through this door."

You're a long way from the door.
Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, I don't like this game.

HE CHUCKLES

One door left.
Door number five, please.

It's the final door,
door number five.

BOTH: "Sit on the bucket

"and completely peel
an orange and a banana."

OK.

Shit!
I've got rid of all the oranges!

Yay!

APPLAUSE

The most fascinating thing from
the whole attempt, to me, was that

once Mawaan had filled his mouth
full of banana,

his voice sounded like it
had been digitally slowed down.

I was trying to curl my lips
around it like this,

so it slowed me down.

I mean, in total, they were both
worse than Johnny and Richard.

They both overstepped the line
when they weren't supposed to.

Cleverly, Katherine peeled
the Chocolate Orange,

which is the quickest type of orange
to peel,

but she failed with the banana and
cheated at the very end by doing it
after the whistle.

Yeah, what a shame.

Right, time for another break.

Don't think about the insane
calorific value

of the biscuits you're about
to bring in from the kitchen.

The rush they give you will override
the long-term health implications.

See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster with me, the Taskmaster.

And me, Alex, son of Sheila
and Hugh. I like gentle films,

gentle music and to be held by big
strong arms. Before the break,

we witnessed the contestants
completing a series of tasks,

each unknown until
a roller door revealed them.

Just one person left -
it's Daisy May Cooper.

Run DMC.

I'm going to start with

door number five.

OK.

"Sit on the bucket and completely
peel an orange and banana."

Now.

OK. Which door next? Four.

"Eat a whole banana."

APPLAUSE

Which door next?

Ooh! Are you gonna finish that?

Oh, no. Which door next, Daisy?

Three, please.

Oh!

"Empty the bucket and put
both your shoes in it."

You've just filled it up. Yeah.

Success.

Where would you like to go next?

Door number two.
I see what you've done there.

How many orange things have you got
in your bucket? Three.

Fuck!

Yes!

Which door next? Number one, please.

"Throw ten yellow things
through this door."

One, two.

Stop, stop, stop.

You've got to do seven
in the next ten seconds.

Three, four...

APPLAUSE

Yep, very good.

Some definite technique there.

Well, she was the only one
who went down the doors in order,

so she had a shorter distance
each time. She also had the bucket

with her at all times
cos she thought,

presumably, it would be useful.

And nice to have it confirmed that
she eats like a psychotic tiger.

THEY CHUCKLE

I honestly thought it was, like,
a Scooby-Doo tribute.

You know when their food just
disappears into their mouth?

Yeah, those big subs.

She did do quite well, didn't she?

She did the most in total. She got
pretty much three out of five.

Lovely work.
APPLAUSE

So, Daisy five points,

Richard four, Johnny three,
Mawaan two and Katherine one point.

There it is. Well done,
Daisy May Cooper.

Next, please.

Now, this one was
the very first task

all of them attempted
on their very first day.

And I thought to break the ice,
it'd be very nice

to greet them with an air horn.

Hello?

HORN BLOWS
SHE YELLS

HORN BLOWS
Fucking hell. OK.

HORN BLOWS

Hello. Hi, Richard.

HORN BLOWS
Sorry.

God Almighty. Sorry, Johnny.

Hello. How are you? Nervous, yeah.

Are you? Yeah.

Oh, I love a wax seal.

Oh, my God. OK.

"Work out how many balls
are in the basket."

"Every ball must be in the basket
when you make your guess."

"Closest to the correct answer wins.
You have four minutes."

"Your time starts now."

First ever task they all completed.

I wondered why they were so nervous
at old Air Horn Andy over there.

Gave them a little scare,
didn't you? Air Horn Andy?

Yeah, Air Horn Andy.
Alex begins with an A anyway.

You could have called him
Air Horn Alex. Yeah, you're right.

That's how little regard
I have for him -

I haven't even registered
his real name.

Little Air Horn Andy.

Shall we see Katherine,
Daisy and Mawaan?

Yes. Here they are.

I tell you what - I'm gonna count
the top layer, I think,

into some kind of thing...

Go for it. ..and then make a guess.

OK. So, I'm gonna...
Yeah, we'll wait here. OK, yeah.

Cos you've given me four minutes,

I feel like I've got to do some
kind of mathematical thing.

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

One, two, three, four, five...

Oh, I don't know.

OK, I'm gonna just count one row
and then times it by something.

This is like the top level.

I think it's about 500.
What do you think? 500 balls?

And then we've got some, like,
heapedness at the top,

so let's say that's...

HE SIGHS

I probably could've had time to
count them.

You've still got
2 minutes and 40 seconds. OK, so...

Oh, I'm gonna have to put
those back, innit? Yes.

Right, fit...

Oh, fucking hell!

What are you doing at the moment,
Katherine?

I do think 500's a good guess.
Are you thinking exactly 500?

No, I'll take a couple off.

I'm gonna say 121,

plus some, er, heapage contingency.

I could've taken them all out
and counted them.

But now that it's one minute left...

All the balls have to be in the
basket when you guess. Oh, shit!

Oh, there's all these little ones
in here.

I see.
It's a good job I've gone in there.

Yeah, definitely 142.

Oh, fuck.

No, it's a lot more than that.

OK, I'm gonna say 150.

What's your guess?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Daisy.

I'm gonna do 162.
Thank you very much.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, no. No, no, no.

Well, if I get them all back in
and give you my answer...?

This was a mistake.

Could you give me a hand with these?

So, this isn't part of the, er,
time thing?

Are you sure? That's what it said.

Right.

Thank you, Katherine. Thank you.
Well done. Thanks.

HE GASPS

Oh, no. Who was that?

Uh-oh. Oi!

Such a specific number,
after employing a system

that wasn't a system at all.

What I don't understand,
watching it back,

is why I didn't guess a higher
number than I did at the start.

I said 500 at the start...

And you discovered smaller balls.
..discovered the small balls

and then took two off. Lowered your
estimate. And you did have to make

your guess in the four minutes.
You guessed ten minutes later

once we'd both put them back in. You
still hadn't put them all back in.

And what Alex will have been doing
throughout that whole thing

is thinking,
"I've put little balls inside.

"They think all the balls
are uniform

"because I've hidden
the little ones."

And, Daisy, why must you persist

in trying to transport things
in baking trays?

THEY CHUCKLE

I think what happened was, I was
given a tour of the house

at the beginning
and I was shown a cupboard

that had a lot of baking trays in.

Yeah, she did fall for our
baking-tray-cupboard trick.

Yeah.

Er, Mawaan, first of all,

congratulations for inventing
two new words.

Heapedness and, of course,

the well-known phrase
"heapage contingency". Yeah.

It's when you add a little bit
to your calculations...

Yeah. ..for ball leeway.
THEY CHUCKLE

My favourite moment was when you
decided there were 142 balls

but then he realised. Must be more.
He went,

"No, wait a minute.
There can't be 142..."

And to quote you,
"There must be loads more."

Beat. 150.

No, but then I added
the heapage contingency.

Very good. We're at the
three-quarter mark of the show.

One part left and then someone wins
some bedding to incinerate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back.
Where were we, Alex?

Well, they were trying
to count balls in a basket,

but we'd hidden different-sized
balls in the basket

under the other balls.
We're so fiendish sometimes.

Finally, it's Johnny
and it's Richard.

350 plus...

Oh, I've lost myself. 350, 60...

392.

And then those ones on top.

Right.

Oh, God!

I should've just taken them all out
and put them back in again.

It's too late now.

40...

There's a giant one in the middle!

Oh, God. It's just turned
into a cleaning job!

51...

Oh, get lost!

That's good.

Like everything in my life -
too little, too late.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Richard. Thank you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

How many balls do you think
were in the basket? Er...

OK.

There was me thinking
I was a problem solver.

APPLAUSE

The most animated Richard got was
when he said,

"Oh, I should have taken them
all out and counted them.

"Never mind."

By stark contrast, Johnny said,
"Oh, God.

"Like everything in my life,
too little, too late."

So, was he disqualified? Yeah, all
the balls had to be in the basket.

I'm disqualified but I was the only
one that found the ball bearings.

You found the ball bearings.
You didn't even count them!

MAWAAN: Yeah, and ignored them.

He described all the balls on the
floor as a map of his pathetic DNA.

Wow!

We've got Mawaan with 162.

Yeah. Richard, 395.

Daisy, 555.

498 over here,
and 1,100 from Johnny.

I've got a little video
to show you the actual number.

Yes, please. Here it is.

1,192.

THEY EXCLAIM

I will not beg but, come on,

what's the chances
of me getting that close?

Yeah, so close.

The scoring must be based on
the brutal facts of what happened.

Well, in that case, it's zero points
to these two, Johnny and Katherine.

Mawaan gets three for his way-off
162. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Richard four for his 395. And Daisy,

even though she was only
halfway there,

gets five points for her 555. Wow!

Let's have a quick look
at the scores.

OK, well, in terms of the series,
it couldn't be closer at the top,

cos two people have the same number.

Daisy and Richard are
both on 140 points.

GREG GASPS
And this episode, Greg,

with 17 points, Daisy's in the lead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow.

All right, then, everyone.

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.

Hello. Hi, Greg.

Who is going to read the task
for us?

Johnny Vegas. Lovely.

Here we go.

"Draw this monster the Taskmaster
is going to describe.

"Most accurate drawing wins.

"You have two minutes from when
the Taskmaster starts talking."

Yeah, so it's draw the monster that
the Taskmaster's gonna describe.

He's only gonna say it once.
I think that's very important

that you all take that on board.
Good luck.

The angry monster has three arms,

two of which are lumpy.

She has two eyes,

and two more eyes.

And one leg.

And two more eyes.

And a huge tusk
that looks like a tree.

What's a tusk?

Fuck off, I'm not telling you.

That is cold.

It's a competition. And I'm losing.

She is urinating and waving
and holding a cake.

And holding a what, sorry?
And she is stripey all over.

And is very, very cold.

And she has three more legs.

And she's doing a star jump.

And she's got a pet dog who is small
and furry and red and black

and has one leg missing.

Ten seconds left.

Very different tactics up here,
Greg. Someone didn't rush into it.

Oh. That's because it's not
a banana.

Three seconds.

Put down your pens, please.

Whose picture would you like to have
a little look at, Greg?

I'd like to see Daisy May Cooper's,
please.

Daisy didn't draw anything
until the last 30 seconds.

She made a list of what you were
saying. Whoa!

Well, I thought about doing that.

Let's have a look.

Oh! The tusk does look like a tree.

Definitely urinating. Six eyes.

RICHARD: Doesn't look very angry.
Yeah, she is, cos she's doing this.

Very good. Next up?

Johnny Vegas. I'm gonna go in order.

It's a good dog.
Is she urinating, Johnny?

You didn't give me yellow,
and I don't think that was fair.

Katherine.

So, six eyes.

Yep.

Plus an extra one.

A tusk that looks like a tree.

The dog isn't red and black
but it is red.

That's the jet of "ur-een".

Purple urine, yeah?
I mean, to be fair, it is a monster.

It may well have purple "ur-een".

Mawaan?

Ooh! Oh! Wow!

I'll be honest - she looks a bit
more Canadian than I wanted her to.

She is one maple lady.

Oui. Where's the tusk?
The tusk is here.

It's a tusk.
Does it look like a tree?

Er, I will...

Oh, look - lumpy arms.

Lumpy arms. I did lumpy arms.

I can't find them.
Katherine did lumpy arms.

She can't find them now. No, lumpy
eyes, wasn't it? No, lumpy arms.

And I didn't ask for lumpy eyes -
we'll have to take those off.

Richard Herring?

I was writing down as well.

That's the tusk.

Six eyes, birthday cake.

That's a vagina and that's
wee coming out of it. Oh!

That's one, two, three, four legs,

and that's a star-jump motion.
Oh, and you've signed it.

Signed Richard.

There's Richard's with a free vagina
for you, Greg. Thank you.

I'll come and check off
my list of criteria.

We'll add those to the final scores.
Come and join me down here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back.

All right, buttercup?

What did that do?

I saw five great monsters.

Yeah, they were
sweet, sweet monsters.

They were urinating.

So, there were 19 categories
that they had to fulfil. Yes.

Katherine and Daisy both got
ten of those categories.

Lovely. Is that it ?! Disappointed?
I'm surprised. Yours wasn't angry.

It didn't have three arms,
arms weren't lumpy,

didn't have six eyes, didn't have...
It was angry, cos it was red.

It was red cos it was red.

Mawaan and Johnny both
got 11 of the categories.

Wow! Oh!
So, they're either first or second.

Did Richard get more than 11
or less than 10?

I think he got more than 11.

He did get more - he got 14 of
the 19 and wins five points. Oh!

APPLAUSE

How many points do you want to give
Mawaan and Johnny in second place?

Four. OK.

And then Katherine and Daisy?

Three. Tick, tick. And that means

he's not only the series leader
by two points from Daisy -

he's won this episode.
Richard Herring. Oh, what?

Richard wins.

Please go and burn your bedding.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that to every person,
home has a different meaning.

To a lighthouse keeper and Mawaan,

home is a tall, cylindrical building

that warns ships at sea of
imminent danger during a storm.

To Daisy May Cooper, it's any old
pile of rubbish

with a hole in the middle,
where she lives.

Time to get ready for
the grand final but now,

let's allow tonight's winner
their moment once more.

It's Richard Herring!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media