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1
00:00:01,458 --> 00:00:03,374
HARLEY: The thing about life is,
lots of times,
2
00:00:03,375 --> 00:00:05,499
you don't miss something
till it's gone,
3
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:07,458
like my freedom at
the slushy window.
4
00:00:09,875 --> 00:00:12,082
Dad took Georgie
to a basketball tournament,
5
00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:14,332
so Mom's covering
the store,
6
00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:16,874
which leaves her plenty of
"hang with Harley" time.
7
00:00:16,875 --> 00:00:18,416
She decided slushy.
8
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:28,290
Cute boy, your age, incoming.
9
00:00:28,291 --> 00:00:30,582
- Mom, be cool.
- Always.
10
00:00:30,583 --> 00:00:33,708
So, uh, just wondering.
You single, big guy?
11
00:00:35,083 --> 00:00:37,374
Not for me.
For my daughter.
12
00:00:37,375 --> 00:00:38,875
Shoot.
13
00:00:39,875 --> 00:00:42,124
Young man!
Excuse me.
Sorry.
14
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,999
Good for Mom.
Seven kids,
15
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,874
and still has the energy
to chase another one.
16
00:00:46,875 --> 00:00:49,624
With Dad gone, Mom has
no one to talk to.
17
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:51,332
She's all up
in my business.
18
00:00:51,333 --> 00:00:52,708
Literally.
19
00:00:54,416 --> 00:00:55,749
"Mom-carena"?
20
00:00:55,750 --> 00:00:57,999
It comes with a dance.
21
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,499
This is a viral video
just waiting to happen.
22
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,749
♪ Ready from the top,
spit out your gum ♪
23
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,624
♪ Give it here ♪
24
00:01:05,625 --> 00:01:07,332
♪ Stop your screaming
in my ear ♪
25
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,832
♪ Driving, driving
everywhere ♪
26
00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:11,707
♪ Don't you make me
come back there ♪
27
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:14,249
♪ It's Mom-carena ♪
28
00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:15,874
♪ Jump right ♪
29
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,124
Other right, Beast.
30
00:01:18,125 --> 00:01:19,707
Relax.
31
00:01:19,708 --> 00:01:21,457
Dad's only gone
a few days.
32
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:24,207
Yes, but this is a peek
into our future.
33
00:01:24,208 --> 00:01:27,249
As we all get older,
Mom will have more free time,
34
00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:30,374
and Dad as her bestie
won't be enough.
35
00:01:30,375 --> 00:01:31,707
As sick as it sounds,
36
00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:35,290
she'll look to her kids
for friendship.
37
00:01:35,291 --> 00:01:37,082
But it makes her happy.
38
00:01:37,083 --> 00:01:40,249
Oh. So you want
her to be happy.
39
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:41,874
Mom!
40
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:44,332
Ethan came down to do
some music with you.
41
00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:46,874
- What?!
- Really? You did?
42
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:48,332
Actually--
43
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:50,499
So fine, we can do
a mom-son duet.
44
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:55,457
♪ Mom and son
together as one ♪
45
00:01:55,458 --> 00:01:56,999
I just thought of that.
46
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,624
I love it.
47
00:01:58,625 --> 00:02:01,165
♪ Mom and son ♪
Oh, so good.
48
00:02:01,166 --> 00:02:02,707
It is good.
49
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,499
I'm gonna go
write it down.
50
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,749
Oh, shoot.
51
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,707
This guy wanted
two Mom-carenas.
52
00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:09,624
- You guys got it, right?
- (sighs)
53
00:02:09,625 --> 00:02:11,832
(turns music on)
54
00:02:11,833 --> 00:02:14,415
♪ Spit out your gum,
put it here ♪
55
00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:16,874
♪ Stop your screaming
in my ear ♪
56
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,957
♪ Driving, driving
everywhere ♪
57
00:02:18,958 --> 00:02:21,624
♪ Don't you make me
come back there ♪
58
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,457
- We've gotta get
Mom a friend.
- You think?
59
00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:25,082
Jump right.
60
00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:26,875
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
61
00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:34,624
♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are outta control ♪
62
00:02:34,625 --> 00:02:38,207
♪ Like you're living in
a circus ♪
63
00:02:38,208 --> 00:02:41,749
♪ Tryin' to figure out
your way in the world ♪
64
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:44,999
♪ Where you're at
is kinda perfect ♪
65
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,999
♪ So turn it up,
turn it up ♪
66
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,874
{\an8}♪ Do your thing,
don't stop ♪
67
00:02:48,875 --> 00:02:51,832
{\an8}♪ Let the games begin,
let's jump right in ♪
68
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:55,124
♪ I wanna get
stuck with you ♪
69
00:02:55,125 --> 00:02:57,415
♪ In the middle
of the party ♪
70
00:02:57,416 --> 00:02:59,415
♪ We're just
getting started ♪
71
00:02:59,416 --> 00:03:02,874
♪ I wanna get
stuck with you ♪
72
00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:06,457
♪ In the eye of the tornado,
rowin' in the same boat ♪
73
00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:09,582
♪ I wanna get
stuck with you ♪
74
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:13,874
♪ Get stuck in
the middle with you ♪
75
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:16,000
♪ I wanna get
stuck with you ♪
76
00:03:17,875 --> 00:03:18,999
{\an8}Mom's so busy.
77
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,832
{\an8}I never thought
about it before,
78
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,832
{\an8}but she really doesn't
have a lot of friends.
79
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:25,457
{\an8}I know. She used
to have tons.
80
00:03:25,458 --> 00:03:26,957
{\an8}But it was hard to find
time for them
81
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:28,707
{\an8}once she had Rachel,
Georgie,
82
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,082
{\an8}you, me, Lewie,
Beast and Daphne.
83
00:03:31,083 --> 00:03:31,999
{\an8}(babies crying)
84
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,874
{\an8}Here we go.
Marshport Mom Friender.
85
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:37,332
{\an8}"Find local women with
similar interests
86
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:39,707
{\an8}schedules and personalities."
87
00:03:39,708 --> 00:03:41,499
{\an8}Wow. Lucky for us,
88
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,207
{\an8}this town is lousy with
friendless moms.
89
00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:45,707
{\an8}Which picture should
we put on there?
90
00:03:45,708 --> 00:03:46,999
{\an8}They don't use pictures.
91
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,457
{\an8}You're matched based on
common interests.
92
00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:51,874
{\an8}Let's fill this out.
Mom's age.
93
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:53,332
{\an8}What she says,
or what she is?
94
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,999
{\an8}I don't know
either one.
95
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,499
{\an8}Me either.
Next one.
96
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,124
{\an8}Middle name.
97
00:03:58,125 --> 00:03:59,499
{\an8}That's easy.
Maria.
98
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,957
{\an8}Maria? It's Rose.
99
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:04,124
{\an8}Or Lily.
100
00:04:04,125 --> 00:04:06,582
{\an8}Or Daisy. It's
definitely a flower.
101
00:04:06,583 --> 00:04:07,707
Geranium?
102
00:04:07,708 --> 00:04:10,582
Suzy Geranium Diaz?
103
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,165
Really?
104
00:04:12,166 --> 00:04:14,082
Think I better do some recon.
105
00:04:14,083 --> 00:04:16,333
LEWIE: We're under siege!
106
00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:21,207
This is not a duel!
107
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:23,582
Stop, stop! I was just
returning the sword
108
00:04:23,583 --> 00:04:25,457
I found in my yard.
109
00:04:25,458 --> 00:04:27,582
Oh.
110
00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:30,624
Apologies for
the misunderstanding,
Lady Peters of Next Door.
111
00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:34,332
But you did come
into my kingdom
wielding a weapon,
112
00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:37,165
and you are assuming
the classic fight stance
of a knight.
113
00:04:37,166 --> 00:04:38,624
I was just holding
the sword like this.
114
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:42,207
We're under siege!
115
00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,250
No, no, no, no!
116
00:04:47,083 --> 00:04:50,124
Beast, stop.
117
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:53,499
Bethany, I didn't know
you had a play date
with the boys.
118
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:56,249
I was returning
this violent weapon
119
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,290
that landed in my yard.
120
00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,874
Living next to your family
is like living in
the Dark Ages with
121
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:03,457
swords and pestilence
and plagues.
122
00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:05,332
I'm not allowed
to play games like this.
123
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,957
At my house, we don't even
play Hide-And-Seek.
124
00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:11,499
We do. We play
hide your face in a book
and seek knowledge.
125
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,749
I promise the boys won't
throw any more stuff
into your yard.
126
00:05:14,750 --> 00:05:17,333
BEAST: My shoe!
127
00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:21,166
I'm pretty sure
a bird dropped that.
128
00:05:25,208 --> 00:05:27,624
Come on, butler,
don't make me late.
129
00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:30,082
Just because Mom's
forcing me to take you
to play rehearsal
130
00:05:30,083 --> 00:05:31,999
doesn't make me
your butler.
131
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,082
You're also responsible for
my bags and transportation.
132
00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:39,749
That makes you Mom's slave
and my butler.
133
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:42,124
(frustrated groan)
People are gonna see me
hauling around a kid,
134
00:05:42,125 --> 00:05:44,332
taking public
transportation.
135
00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:46,874
I'm a shopping tote
away from being ordinary.
136
00:05:46,875 --> 00:05:51,332
Hey, you're being seen with
the star of the Friendly
Farm Show.
137
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:54,874
The cow. The cow
can trample and kill.
138
00:05:54,875 --> 00:05:56,374
Chicken can't do that.
139
00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:58,957
Diazes are always
the star.
140
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,124
When I was your age,
I was Cinderella.
141
00:06:01,125 --> 00:06:04,082
The play was about
nutrition, but none
of the four food groups
142
00:06:04,083 --> 00:06:05,582
wears a crown.
143
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:08,207
Great story.
144
00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:10,625
You wanna grab my bag,
though, Princess?
145
00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:16,457
Hey. I'm ready to head
to the marina
146
00:06:16,458 --> 00:06:17,624
as soon as I find
my keys.
147
00:06:17,625 --> 00:06:19,290
Daphne's onesie.
148
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,124
Wow.
149
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,874
I haven't done laundry
in a while.
150
00:06:22,875 --> 00:06:26,207
Listen, Mom, I'm doing
an essay at school
151
00:06:26,208 --> 00:06:28,290
about my hero,
and I chose you.
152
00:06:28,291 --> 00:06:29,957
So I have a few questions.
153
00:06:29,958 --> 00:06:31,290
Oh!
154
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:33,499
This would feel like
a much bigger win
155
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,999
if I wasn't kneeling in
a pile of dirty skivvies.
156
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,290
Okay, question one.
157
00:06:38,291 --> 00:06:41,457
What is the furthest distance
you would want a friend
to live from you?
158
00:06:41,458 --> 00:06:43,290
Weird. Um, okay.
159
00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:45,249
Twenty miles.
160
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:46,624
Question two.
161
00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:48,832
Do you have
a significant other,
162
00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:52,457
and would he/she be jealous
of this new relationship?
163
00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:54,207
How is this about me
as your hero?
164
00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:56,332
Let's move on
to question three.
165
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,332
Put the following
15 activities
166
00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,582
in order of preference.
167
00:06:59,583 --> 00:07:01,624
Snorkeling,
volleyball,
168
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:04,374
Sudoku, murder mystery
dinners,
169
00:07:04,375 --> 00:07:05,999
- sky diving--
- Start with finishing
this survey.
170
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,833
Anything else
comes second.
171
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,582
(sighs)
172
00:07:14,583 --> 00:07:16,707
Tag "bogus day.
173
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:18,374
Bomb hair."
174
00:07:18,375 --> 00:07:19,833
DAPHNE: I need air.
175
00:07:23,583 --> 00:07:26,582
It smells like
tush in here.
176
00:07:26,583 --> 00:07:29,165
Water me, butler.
177
00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:31,165
No. Absolutely not.
178
00:07:31,166 --> 00:07:34,874
I can't do juice box.
I'm trying to stay
in character.
179
00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,249
I'm talking about this.
180
00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:37,749
Not happening.
181
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,624
Daphne...
182
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,374
you are a Diaz,
183
00:07:41,375 --> 00:07:43,207
and no Diaz
is playing the butt.
184
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,332
Excuse me, but
in the theater,
185
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:46,708
we call it the rump.
186
00:07:51,375 --> 00:07:54,457
Okay, I'm going
to tell Mom we found
her a new friend.
187
00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:56,332
When you see
the big reaction,
188
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:57,749
that's when you come in.
189
00:07:57,750 --> 00:07:59,291
Got it.
190
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:05,374
Hey, Mom, you know
how you have no friends?
191
00:08:05,375 --> 00:08:07,874
- What?!
- Starting again.
192
00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:09,707
You know how sometimes
at work,
193
00:08:09,708 --> 00:08:11,249
you're all up in my face?
194
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:13,332
Wow, I really should
have rehearsed this.
195
00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:14,999
You need a friend,
196
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,957
so Ethan and I
went to a website online,
197
00:08:16,958 --> 00:08:18,457
set up a profile,
and found you one.
198
00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,082
You did what?!
199
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:25,374
♪ Mom and friend ♪
200
00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:28,333
♪ She didn't have anyone,
now she does ♪
201
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:33,207
Was that because
of my singing?
202
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,000
No, but it
should've been.
203
00:08:38,458 --> 00:08:41,124
You set me up with
someone online?
204
00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:42,875
Me, your mother.
205
00:08:44,375 --> 00:08:46,707
See, Harley, I told you
it sounds weird.
206
00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:48,457
It sounds weird.
207
00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:50,999
Solid back-up
there, partner.
208
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,749
Don't be upset.
209
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,874
It was just to find
a friend, Mom.
210
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:57,707
We realize you don't
have a lot,
211
00:08:57,708 --> 00:09:00,124
- and we wanted to help.
- I have friends.
212
00:09:00,125 --> 00:09:01,874
Lucy comes over
almost every day.
213
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,124
That's because
she's our mail carrier.
214
00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:06,290
It doesn't count if they're paid
by the government to visit.
215
00:09:06,291 --> 00:09:09,249
I guess I've been
so busy with you kids,
216
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:11,707
I let my friends
slip away.
217
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:15,082
Like my freedom
at the slushy window,
218
00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:17,290
Mom didn't miss her friends
until they were gone.
219
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:19,624
But both of our problems
were about to be solved
220
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:22,582
by forcing Mom to be friends
with someone she doesn't know.
221
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:25,416
Ethan's right.
That does sound weird.
222
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:28,582
But guess what.
223
00:09:28,583 --> 00:09:31,457
We found you a friend
online that matches you 95%.
224
00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:34,374
- 95%!
- That's almost
a perfect match.
225
00:09:34,375 --> 00:09:36,457
You found me
another me.
226
00:09:36,458 --> 00:09:38,457
And she's free to meet
this afternoon.
227
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:39,999
Okay.
228
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,290
I'll do it.
229
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:43,374
I better go put on
some deodorant.
230
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,458
That Mom-carena
really works up a sweat.
231
00:09:50,708 --> 00:09:53,290
Oh, no. Mom can't
meet a friend
232
00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:55,000
with Ms. Peters here.
233
00:09:57,208 --> 00:10:00,499
Hey, Ms. Peters.
A special deal right now.
234
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,332
A free slushy to anyone who
leaves in the next 30 seconds.
235
00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:06,124
No, thank you.
I'm yang shen,
236
00:10:06,125 --> 00:10:07,957
and my Chinese herbalist
has advised I consume
237
00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:09,707
all foods at
room temperature.
238
00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:12,749
Well, I'm feng shui, and I think
you're better off outside.
239
00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:14,582
I can't leave, Harley.
240
00:10:14,583 --> 00:10:16,374
I'm here to meet someone.
241
00:10:16,375 --> 00:10:18,290
A new friend who
matches me 95%
242
00:10:18,291 --> 00:10:21,290
on Marshport Mom Friender.
243
00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:23,999
I don't know why they chose
to meet here.
244
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,582
Must be part of the five percent
we don't match.
245
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:29,957
- (small chuckle)
- I couldn't find deodorant,
so I used toothpaste.
246
00:10:29,958 --> 00:10:32,000
Hopefully my new friend
won't think it's weird.
247
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,458
She might.
248
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,415
BOTH: What?!
No!
249
00:10:39,416 --> 00:10:41,999
Look. Same horrified
reaction.
250
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,750
You are
a perfect match.
251
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,249
I have a plan to get you
out of that cow suit
and into stardom.
252
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:55,499
But I'm already a star.
The cow's rump.
253
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:59,374
Milk, poop--
everything comes out
of my end.
254
00:10:59,375 --> 00:11:01,457
The only thing that
comes out of the front
255
00:11:01,458 --> 00:11:02,875
is "moo."
256
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,832
Don't make Death-nee
cut you!
257
00:11:08,833 --> 00:11:10,415
Fine.
258
00:11:10,416 --> 00:11:12,124
I'll help you be
a better cow.
259
00:11:12,125 --> 00:11:14,499
If Lady Gaga can shine
in a meat suit,
260
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:15,458
so can you.
261
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:20,582
She says you have
two minutes.
262
00:11:20,583 --> 00:11:22,374
We're listening.
263
00:11:22,375 --> 00:11:26,624
Obviously the Marshport Mom
Friender algorithm's wrong.
264
00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:29,582
I mean, there's no way Bethany's
favorite coffee creamer is...
265
00:11:29,583 --> 00:11:31,457
BOTH: Hazelnut.
266
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,415
Or your favorite actor is...
267
00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:35,707
BOTH: John Stamos.
268
00:11:35,708 --> 00:11:37,874
This has to be a fluke.
269
00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:40,707
BOTH: Teal, Bermuda,
coconut cream pie.
270
00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:42,874
Poodles, pugs, Chihuahuas.
271
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:45,957
You actually have
a lot of the same tastes.
272
00:11:45,958 --> 00:11:49,290
Guess you never got
past the bickering
long enough to see it.
273
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,457
I just can't believe this.
274
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:53,124
Tony, watch the store.
We're going for a...
275
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:54,875
BOTH: Long walk
on the beach.
276
00:11:59,958 --> 00:12:01,749
I don't know
what this is,
277
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,582
but I'm afraid
I'll wake up,
278
00:12:03,583 --> 00:12:05,624
and it will be gone.
279
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,625
Sh. Don't move.
280
00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:16,457
Bethany and I talked
almost all night,
281
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:18,374
and we realized
once you get past
282
00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:19,749
our initial parenting bumps,
283
00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:21,290
we really aren't
so different.
284
00:12:21,291 --> 00:12:23,999
You might not be,
but this breakfast is.
285
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,749
You used the oven?
286
00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:27,582
Is Abuela coming to visit?
287
00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:29,165
No. Bethany reminded me
288
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,582
that breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
289
00:12:31,583 --> 00:12:33,458
so getting up to cook
is worth it.
290
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:42,499
Juice comes from that?!
291
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,457
I always thought
it came from a carton.
292
00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:48,291
This is blowing
my mind.
293
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,457
And we got
breakfast bandanas.
294
00:12:53,458 --> 00:12:55,875
Classy, but that's
a napkin.
295
00:12:57,625 --> 00:13:00,457
(gasps)
OMG!
296
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,874
I'm seeing floor.
Lots of floor!
297
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,999
Someone stole
our dirty clothes!
298
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,874
No. Bethany and I
did laundry while we chatted.
299
00:13:07,875 --> 00:13:09,707
I'll be doing it
more regularly now.
300
00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:11,874
If you stay on top of it,
it won't pile up.
301
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:15,124
How are we supposed
to find our clothes
without climbing Machu P-U?
302
00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:17,332
You'll look in
your drawers,
303
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,500
which will no longer
just be things you pull
out to make forts.
304
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,499
Clean clothes in drawers?
305
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,332
It's like colonizing Mars.
306
00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:28,374
Something I've dreamed of,
but never thought I'd see
307
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,124
- in my lifetime.
- Sorry, Ethan.
308
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,166
Marshport Mom Friender
is my new BFF.
309
00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:39,124
Okay, step one to
being the star
is claiming the stage.
310
00:13:39,125 --> 00:13:41,749
If there's one thing I know,
it's how to draw focus.
311
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:44,415
I can draw a unicorn
eating a cat.
312
00:13:44,416 --> 00:13:46,458
Mom and Dad really
punted with you.
313
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:50,124
I can't believe this.
314
00:13:50,125 --> 00:13:52,832
Our moms are friends,
and it's great.
315
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,999
It's so weird.
316
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,832
I didn't have to fight
through roller skates
and shoes to come in.
317
00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:59,624
I got scared
and ran back out
318
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:01,707
because I thought
I was in the wrong house.
319
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,874
So clean, I can't
find the remote.
320
00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:06,499
It's usually under a magazine
or a plate of old food.
321
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,957
Mom!
322
00:14:07,958 --> 00:14:10,332
I can't find the remote.
323
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,290
The remote is here, but I'm
afraid you can't have it.
324
00:14:13,291 --> 00:14:14,832
What? Why?
325
00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:16,874
The breakfast Bethany suggested
was such a hit,
326
00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:19,457
I asked her for
a few more pointers.
327
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:22,082
Media usage chart.
328
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:24,582
Sorry. You've already used
your screen time for today.
329
00:14:24,583 --> 00:14:27,124
May I suggest
a language-learning tape,
330
00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:28,707
or meditation?
331
00:14:28,708 --> 00:14:30,874
What is this?
332
00:14:30,875 --> 00:14:32,708
My house.
333
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,415
Why do we need a chart
to limit our screen time?
334
00:14:42,416 --> 00:14:43,999
That's what sleep is for.
335
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,707
This is so helpful.
336
00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:47,832
It clearly says who gets
to watch when.
337
00:14:47,833 --> 00:14:49,707
No more fighting over
the remote.
338
00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:51,707
Why does Sunday
just say no?
339
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:53,624
Sunday is fun day.
340
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:55,707
Media free,
341
00:14:55,708 --> 00:14:57,707
but lots of time to
cultivate your family
342
00:14:57,708 --> 00:14:58,999
while you cultivate
your garden.
343
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,624
And I brought you
a gift, Harley.
344
00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:05,207
Child-safe pruning
shears. Huh?
345
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,832
Thanks, but I have
real shears in my invention bag.
346
00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:09,249
Not anymore.
347
00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:11,582
Your mom and I went through
that hazardous bag
348
00:15:11,583 --> 00:15:12,957
and removed everything sharp.
349
00:15:12,958 --> 00:15:15,165
It's full of tools
and broken toys.
350
00:15:15,166 --> 00:15:17,290
Everything in it is sharp.
351
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,624
I'm sure you can invent
lots of cool stuff
352
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:21,875
with washable crayons
and non-permanent glue.
353
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:26,874
You know how parents
say some friends
are a bad influence?
354
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:30,000
Well, I set my mom up with
the worst influence of all.
355
00:15:32,208 --> 00:15:36,207
We're trading violence
for violins.
356
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:38,250
These used to be Ellie's.
357
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:41,582
This is a terrible sword.
358
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,875
It would take forever
to saw off an arm.
359
00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:49,250
I think mine's broken.
360
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,457
Who took my heels?
361
00:15:56,458 --> 00:15:58,374
Heels shorten
your calf muscles.
362
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:02,124
They're bad for your arches,
and your reputation.
363
00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:03,582
That was Bethany's.
364
00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:05,207
She's way funnier
than I thought.
365
00:16:05,208 --> 00:16:07,749
The only joke
is these grandma shoes.
366
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,707
They couldn't be worse.
367
00:16:09,708 --> 00:16:11,833
They're comfy.
I got myself a pair.
368
00:16:14,166 --> 00:16:16,582
- And now they're worse.
- Excuse me.
369
00:16:16,583 --> 00:16:18,207
My guitar amp
used to go to ten.
370
00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,000
Why does it only go
to two now?
371
00:16:26,708 --> 00:16:29,415
These don't look like
cheeseburgers.
372
00:16:29,416 --> 00:16:32,374
No. I said I was making
cheese bulgurs.
373
00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:35,166
Bulgur is a delicious
cracked wheat.
374
00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:39,708
The wheat's not the only
thing that's cracked.
375
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,124
This doesn't look like
a cappuccino.
376
00:16:49,125 --> 00:16:51,374
Caffeine stunts your growth.
377
00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:53,250
I said kelp-accino.
378
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,499
This is a disaster.
379
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,708
Mom's best friend
is our worst nightmare.
380
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,332
Dance? Cows don't dance.
381
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:09,082
They do now.
382
00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:11,249
A lot of people think
that dancing is up here.
383
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,957
Wrong. It's right here.
384
00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:16,165
Not bad.
385
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:18,165
Get ready to own it.
386
00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,332
Watch me.
387
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:20,874
Drop shoulder.
388
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:24,124
Give look.
Lift shoulder.
389
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:25,707
This is ridiculous.
390
00:17:25,708 --> 00:17:27,582
I just do not
have a bad side.
391
00:17:27,583 --> 00:17:29,125
Me either.
392
00:17:31,166 --> 00:17:35,374
( violins playing
discordantly )
393
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,290
I hate to tell you, Harley,
394
00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:39,707
but your happy place helmet
395
00:17:39,708 --> 00:17:42,332
is not taking me
to a happy place.
396
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:43,999
Don't blame the helmet.
397
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,999
It was designed to
cancel out quieter sounds,
398
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,624
like a jet engine,
399
00:17:47,625 --> 00:17:49,749
or the Earth imploding.
400
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:53,083
The Earth never implodes
when you want it to.
401
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:59,499
Be one with
the instrument.
402
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,874
Eat, live, breathe it.
403
00:18:01,875 --> 00:18:03,999
Take it with you
everywhere you go.
404
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,832
Great.
405
00:18:05,833 --> 00:18:08,290
This is going to be
the soundtrack of our life.
406
00:18:08,291 --> 00:18:10,874
I used to come
to this house to escape.
407
00:18:10,875 --> 00:18:13,375
Now there's no escape.
408
00:18:15,458 --> 00:18:18,749
No one comes between
the Diaz kids
409
00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:20,249
and our right to
disorganization,
410
00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:23,083
sharp tools,
and screen time.
411
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,458
Time to prune
Mom's friend garden.
412
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:32,082
I was skeptical,
but gardening is satisfying.
413
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:34,207
So satisfying.
414
00:18:34,208 --> 00:18:36,582
Hey, Ms. Peters
is awesome,
415
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,999
but why limit yourself?
416
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,082
I found you another
friend match.
417
00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:41,249
I don't know.
418
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,999
Bethany is working out.
419
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,332
Plus I really don't have
time for more friends.
420
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,415
But should your only friend
be a person who called
animal control on your sons?
421
00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:52,457
To be fair, they were
hissing and pawing
through her trash bin.
422
00:18:52,458 --> 00:18:55,249
I never gave
Bethany a chance.
423
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,415
Thank you, Harley, for
helping me discover a friend
424
00:18:57,416 --> 00:18:59,332
right next door.
425
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,999
Don't thank me.
426
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,999
Seriously.
Don't.
427
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,415
- (phone alarm rings)
- Oh!
428
00:19:04,416 --> 00:19:06,708
Time to get ready
for Daphne's show.
429
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,457
Okay, we have hip-hop,
Euro-pop,
430
00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:12,582
dance pop and K-pop.
431
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:14,707
Which one feels
more cow to you?
432
00:19:14,708 --> 00:19:17,374
Did I hear lollipop
in there?
433
00:19:17,375 --> 00:19:19,290
- That one.
- I'll pick.
434
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:23,416
Get ready. The Friendly
Farm Show's about to get real.
435
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,874
Mom, you should totally
invite Ms. Peters to the show.
436
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:32,832
It's just a little
kindergarten play.
437
00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:34,457
She wouldn't be interested.
438
00:19:34,458 --> 00:19:36,165
You're interested,
which means
439
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:38,457
there's a 95% chance
that she'll be interested too.
440
00:19:38,458 --> 00:19:40,250
You're right.
441
00:19:44,625 --> 00:19:46,332
Get ready.
442
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:48,708
The Unfriend A Mom Friend Show
is about to get real.
443
00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:58,082
I'm glad to see you're
bonding with your instruments.
444
00:19:58,083 --> 00:20:02,082
Oh. I mostly just brought it
to carry snacks.
445
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:04,583
It's like a big lunchbox.
446
00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:09,957
Gummi? Just don't take
the red ones.
447
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,207
I like those.
448
00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,082
No, thank you.
449
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:14,707
My family has respect
for their teeth.
450
00:20:14,708 --> 00:20:15,999
Isn't that right, Ellie?
451
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,624
( piano playing
"Old MacDonald Had A Farm" )
452
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,750
AUDIENCE: Aww!
453
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,208
(needle scratches)
454
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,207
E-i, e-i,
no, I didn't!
455
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:37,000
(dance music starts)
456
00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:43,415
♪ Gonna rap this farm
and I ain't trippin' ♪
457
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,832
♪ This here cow
you best not be tippin' ♪
458
00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:48,582
♪ Old MacD got an animal crew ♪
459
00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:51,457
♪ He wake up every morning
to a cock-a-doodle-do ♪
460
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,457
♪ So turn up the music
and throw down the groove ♪
461
00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:56,583
♪ Clear off the dance floor
and watch me moooo-ve ♪
462
00:20:57,875 --> 00:20:59,957
Where my party animals at?
463
00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:02,499
Friendly Farm,
make some noise!
464
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:04,958
(kids screaming)
465
00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:08,707
Did you know
about this?
466
00:21:08,708 --> 00:21:09,999
Not at all.
467
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,332
I did.
Well, maybe not this.
468
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:15,582
This is way better
than I hoped.
469
00:21:15,583 --> 00:21:17,415
Turn down for what?!
470
00:21:17,416 --> 00:21:21,000
Killer cow out.
Moo.
471
00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:24,499
Your family
is out of control.
472
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,707
I don't believe in spanking,
but I hope you do.
473
00:21:26,708 --> 00:21:28,207
You're right.
They should not be
474
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,374
sword fighting
with violins,
475
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:32,749
or booty shaking
in cow suits,
476
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,457
or... (laughs)
477
00:21:34,458 --> 00:21:35,874
I'm sorry. Just
hearing myself,
478
00:21:35,875 --> 00:21:38,457
I can't get through
that sentence.
479
00:21:38,458 --> 00:21:40,707
You think this is funny?
480
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,415
Because I think
this is an outrage.
481
00:21:42,416 --> 00:21:44,624
Because you expect
things to be perfect
482
00:21:44,625 --> 00:21:47,582
all of the time,
but you know what, Bethany.
483
00:21:47,583 --> 00:21:50,415
Life isn't like that,
especially not in my family.
484
00:21:50,416 --> 00:21:53,457
I've got seven crazy kids
who do crazy things,
485
00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:56,457
and I can laugh
or I can cry.
486
00:21:56,458 --> 00:21:58,374
Laughing is a heck
of a lot more fun.
487
00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:01,499
I thought our 95% match
meant something.
488
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:03,290
But you're the same old
loosey-goosey,
489
00:22:03,291 --> 00:22:05,999
anything-goes Suzy Diaz,
and you're not changing.
490
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,457
Hey, you know what.
We agree on that, too.
491
00:22:08,458 --> 00:22:11,249
Maybe our five percent
difference is 100% why
492
00:22:11,250 --> 00:22:13,000
we'll never be friends.
493
00:22:18,875 --> 00:22:20,874
Sorry it didn't
work out.
494
00:22:20,875 --> 00:22:22,457
I really was hoping
you'd find a new friend.
495
00:22:22,458 --> 00:22:24,374
It's all good, Harls.
496
00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:27,499
You reminded me that
I need to reconnect with
my old ones.
497
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,332
But until then,
498
00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:30,957
loosey-goosey,
anything-goes,
499
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,457
my-family's
my-best-friend
500
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:33,875
{\an8}Suzy Diaz
works for me.
501
00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:40,500
{\an8}Works for me, too.
502
00:22:44,750 --> 00:22:46,874
{\an8}The thing about life is,
503
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,415
{\an8}lots of times,
you don't miss something
504
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:50,707
{\an8}till it's gone.
505
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:54,375
{\an8}And sometimes gone
is the best part.
36804
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