All language subtitles for South Park 5x11 The Entity

Captioning made possible by
comedy central

? I'm going down
to south park?

? Gonna have
myself a time?

? Friendly faces
everywhere?

? Humble folks
without temptation?

? Going down
to south park?

? Gonna leave my
woes behind?

? Ample parking
day or night?

? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?

? Headin' on up
to south park?

? Gonna see
if i can't unwind?

? So come on down
to south park?

? And meet some
friends of mine?

Jesus christ!

These lines
are ridiculous!

I'm gonna
miss my flight.

Excuse me, there's two other
security check points.

Why can't you
open those too?

Duh, i dunno nothing.

But you work for the-
Goddammit!

Snooty airlines
announces the arrival

Of flight 239
from connecticut.

That's your
cousin's flight, kyle.

Hold the sign up
nice and high,

So he can find us.

What's he look like?

He's your age and
about your height.

I'm stoked my cousin
is coming to live with us.

It'll be just like
having a brother.

I thought i were!

Oh, there he is,
over here, kyle!

Hello, aunt sheila.

How was
your flight?

Oh, it was terrible.

They recycled
the air onboard,

And it really did
a number on my asthma.

I asked them to
turn up the oxygen

And they wouldn't.

You remember,
uncle jerry.

Hello, uncle jerry.

And these are your
cousins ike and kyle.

Hey, dude. Meet you.

Let's get down to
the baggage claim, kyle.

Okay.
Okay.

Oh, that's right!

We've got
two kyles now.

We'll just call you kyle
and you can be kyle... two.

Cool.

Next.

Oh, i feel like
i've run a marathon.

Okay, the 2:30 flight to
cheyenne has boarded.

It looks like you
didn't make it.

What- Well of course,
i didn't make it!

The line to check in
was two hours long

And the security line was
two hours more!

Yeah, no problem, though.

We'll get you on the 7:00am
flight tomorrow morning.

I can't go tomorrow
the jizzfest is tonight!

Would you like a window
or an aisle seat?

This is unbelievable!

You know, i seem to remember
when the airlines said

"We need a $15 billion bailout
from the taxpayers."

Mm, okay, have any of
your personal items

Been out of your
possession since you left?

Well, we gave them
the $15 billion

And they fired their
employees anyway,

So now we have three people
to clear 400 passengers!

Hey, he's right!

Yeah!

Okay, and your bags have
been with you at all times?

So where did
that money go?

I'll tell you
where it went!

It went right
into the pockets

Of the presidents and
c.E.O.S of the airlines,

So they can keep their
multi-Million dollar salaries!

Yeah!

And here's your boarding pass
for tomorrow morning.

You think you can treat us
however you want

Because we have to fly!

Well, i'll tell you
what, sally sass-A-Lot

I'm gonna come up with
a new mode of transportation.

A- A brand new vehicle

That will put all you
bastards out of business!

Yeah!

You think
i can't do it?

I've got a masters degree
in mechanical engineering

At denver community college.

You watch me!

C'mon everybody!

Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

Can i get on that
7:30am flight?

Here we go kyle two,
and here's yours, kyle.

Wh-What is this?

Mom's special stew.

She makes it every monday
and i love it.

Oh is this beef?

Yeah, dude,
it's great.

Actually,
i- I can't eat beef.

I have a degenerative problem
with my intestinal lining

And beef really
gives me gas.

Oh, i'm so sorry, kyle!

What else can
i fix you?

Oh no, i- I don't
wanna be a bother.

Nonsense!

Can't i make you
some nice pasta

Or a frozen
fish fillet?

Well, some fish would be great
if it isn't too much trouble.

I'll put it in the
microwave right away.

Mom.

Yes, kyle two.

How am i related
to him again?

He's your cousin,
kyle two.

I told you already.

Yeah, but like 1st cousin
or distant cousin?

He's my sister's son that
makes him your 1st cousin.

So we have
the same blood!

Now, kyle two,
listen to me.

Kyle is going through
a tough time in his life.

His mother is very sick, and
he's in a whole new place.

He's going to
rely on you

To make sure he
fits in at your school.

What!

How the hell am i
suppose to do that?

I'm sure your friends
will love him.

What about
cartman, huh?

He rips onme
for being jewish.

He's gonna tear
this kid apart.

Kyle two, is
your responsibility.

Oh my god!

I'm sure you
two will become

Great friends
with lots of

Late-Night
pillow talk.

What do you mean?

What room is he
sleeping in?

What's this comforter
filled with?

Oh, it isn't filled
with down, is it?

I don't know, dude.

It sure is quiet up here
in the mountains and dry too.

Do you have
a humidifier?

I don't think so.

Can you take my
stupid glasses

And put them on
the nightstand?

Make sure they're
close by

That fish upset my stomach,
and i might need them

If i need to go to
the bathroom later on.

Okay.

It's got to
be simple.

Like a moped but with
the ability to travel

At much faster speeds.

If the design of our
electrical moped

Were altered with-

No, no, no, no
this won't work either.

What was wrong
with that plan?

It has to be
more stable, mr. Hat.

A moped would be too
dangerous at those speeds.

Dammit!

Now what if the jet power
of an aircraft

Could be scaled down
into a personal vehicle.

Boy, that
enrique iglesias

Can sure gyrate
his hot ass around.

Oh, mr. Hat, will you
stop drooling

Over enrique inglesias' -

Wait, what did you say?

I said enrique inglesias
can sure gyrate his hot ass.

That's it!
Gyration!

A gyroscope!

It would allow for
maximum balance, and yet-

Mr. Hat,
you're a genius!

It's so simple
and yet genius!

Check out his
hot bulge, too.

Hey, dude.

What's that thing?

Cartman, i need
to talk to you.

Hello, i'm
kyle's cousin, kyle.

Cartman, i'm gonna
make you a deal. What?

That kid over there is
my cousin from the east coast.

He's having a really
hard time right now,

So i'm gonna
offer you $40

To not to
rip on him.

40 bucks!

But you can't make
fun of him at all.

No smartass
comments, nothing.

All right, all right.

And you especially can't
say anything about jews.

Oh jesus, why don't you
just cut off my balls!

Cartman,
no jew jokes!

All you have to do
is keep your mouth shut

And you've got
40 bucks.

Can you do it?

I can't believe how cold
it is out here.

It could be tough,
but i'll give it a shot.

All right.

...it's a real dry cold
that's the problem.

The cold air
makes me wheeze.

Kyle, this is cartman.

He's my sort of
friend- Ish.

Nice to
meet you, cartman.

I saw that same jacket
at bosco's for $29.95.

How much was yours?

I'm just wondering if
bosco's is a rip-Off.

Oh, man.

Cartman.

Ah, it's nice
to meet you kyle.

I can certainly tell
that you're a relative

Of my good friend
kyle, here.

What the hell
was that?

Well, what the
hell was that?

What the hell
was that?

I dunno, it was
going so fast

I couldn't see it.

But i want one.

Yeah, me too!

We've done it mr. Hat!

Airline companies
be damned!

We've invented a whole new
mode of transportation.

Get some investors
on the phone.

Well, what are
you waiting for!

...and i know you'll all be
very nice to our new student.

Kyle, why don't you tell us
a little about yourself.

Oh, well i grew up
in the city

I really don't
care for it.

I come from
a jewish family

Which, of course,
you already know

Because kyle's from
the same family.

I like to read,
and i have these polyps

On the backs
of my hands.

I don't know
what they are.

Oh my god,
i'm not gonna make it.

I'm not
gonna make it.

Oh, and i hope one day
to be an investment banker.

I- Must-Fight-It...
need-40-Dollars.

Okay, why don't you go ahead
and take a seat, kyle.

Where should i sit?

There's no place
to sit down here.

Yes, unfortunately
the school seems to be

Completely out of
extra desks,

So you'll just have to
share with your cousin.

What!

Oh, all right, then.

Now let's get on with
our lesson about the-

Are wooden desks all
that are available?

I usually prefer
the plastic ones

Because these
give me splinters.

Ugnh-Ughn!

I'm sorry kyle you'll
just have to make do.

Now let's get
back to the les-

Is it cold in here?

I realize we're
in the mountains,

But do we have to
freeze to death?

Now kyle i need you
to be quiet.

In my class, you need to
be able to concentrate.

Uhg!

Concentration is the key
to succeeding in my class.

Maybe we'll have to send him
to concentration camp.

Argh- Dammit,
dammit, dammit!

Cartman!

Kindergarten teacher
herbert garrison

Has apparently invented
a new vehicle

Which will give the airlines
a run for their money.

Mr. Garrison is putting
the final touches

On his top secret device,

Which he
simply calls "it."

So what exactly
is "it?"

Here with report
is a hispanic man

With some gravy stains
on his lapel.

Thanks, tom- Oh-
Thanks, tom.

So far herbert garrison
hasn't let anyone

Get a look
at his invention.

He claims that the vehicle
is so genius and revolutionary

That it could cause
one's eyes to bleed

If not properly prepared
to see it.

But earlier today,
hbc news got footage

Of some of the country's top
investors and richest people

Who have been invited
for a first look, including:

Steve forbes

Steve jobs

Ted turner

Donald trump

Bill gates

And yasmine bleeth.

They're curiosity is
piqued tom, and so is ours.

What is "it"?

What does
"it" do?

And when will "it" be somewhere
where i can buy one?

Reporting live
jeff ferrrrrrnando, hbc news.

You need to learn to play
some sports, kyle,

So we're gonna start with
a tough one called

"Catch the ball."

I throw the football to you,
you throw it back to me.

Oh, but isn't the cold air
making the ball really hard?

It's gonna
hurt my hands.

It's fine.

All right then,
h- How do i catch it?

It's a football dude.

You just put your
arms out and catch it.

All right,
here we go!

Now what?

Now throw it
back to me.

But it's down
in the snow!

So dig it out.

But i'll get snow
on my gloves

And then it will melt
and i'll have wet hands.

Well, then we'll
dry them off.

All right then.

Oh my god.

Kyle, kyle!

I just found out
that in world war ii

Some jewish people
were sent to

Concentration camps.

Yeah, they were cartman.

Oh you see i didn't
realize that

But i understand now
how you might've thought

What i said in
the classroom

Was a racial slur,
but see, i had no idea!

You did too!

You are so
full of crap.

No, i'm seriously, because
i was talking to craig

And craig was all like,

"Did you know
in world war ii

They really had
concentration camps?"

And i was all like,
"no way!"

And then this little light
went on in my head,

"Aw man, no wonder kyle
thought what i said in class

Was directed
at his cousin."

But-But i was literally talking
about a concentration camp

You know where you go
for a week to learn to focus.

Oh man, what a
misunderstanding, huh?

You blew
the deal, cartman.

Goddammit, give me
another chance!

Nuh-Uh.

I knew you were gonna
make fun of my lame cousin

So i offered you the
40 bucks not to rip on him.

You ripped on him-
Deal's off.

You did what?

Oh no.

Ha ha, serves you
right, asshole.

You-You paid your friends
to not make fun of me?

Look it's not because
anything's wrong with you.

Wow, you think it takes $40
to get people to like me.

Kyle, i'm sorry.

Because i really think
you could've done it

For about $12.50.

What?

I mean you didn't just
start at $40 did you?

You gotta low-Ball
these things,

So you have
a place to go.

Oh, dude!

Boy, it sure is
dry out here.

Gentlemen, imagine being
able to travel safely

At incredibly fast speeds

And not having to go to the
stupid fart-Face airports.

That sounds incredible,
mr. Garrison!

It is incredible,
mr. Hat.

And what makes
it possible is

"It's" patented
gyroscope design.

Gentlemen,
i give you... "it."

Ooh!
Oh! Ahhh!

Nice!
Sleek!

"It" gets over
300 miles to the gallon

And is safely capable
of speeds over 200 mph.

Wow!

This will change
everything.

We're going to have
to re-Think cities.

Now "it" is easily operated
using four flexi-Grip handles.

Two of them
are on each side.

Left side for throttle,
right side for steering.

The third flexigrip is
gently inserted into the anus

To keep the
driver in place.

Oh...
ew... hmm...

There we go.

Now the final flexigrip is
directly in front of the driver

So that small switches can be
operated with the mouth

As such...

Put the four together
and we're ready to go.

Oh my god!

Look at it go!

But the way it works,

Do you really think
people will

Go through
that to travel?

Hey, it still beats
what you go through

At the airports.

That's true.
Yep. True. Yep!

I can't take it
anymore, stan.

My cousin's been here
for two weeks

And he's driving me insane.

I know dude, every kid in school
wants to kick his ass.

I spent five years
in this town

Making a good name
for jews and this...

This stereotype shows
up and wrecks it all!

You know what my
biggest fear is?

That i'llbecomehim.

That somehow his mannerisms
will start rubbing off on me,

And i'll become
a stereotype.

I mean i'm a jew and
he's makingmehate jews.

Dude, a self-Hating jew-

Youarebecoming
a stereotype!

See!

I'm back.

Ah!

Later dude.

Tom, the day is
finally here.

"It" has arrived
for retail sale

And people are getting
their first look at "it."

Okay good,
just step through here...

And then this
is your steering,

And here's
your throttle.

Okay...

Okay, now your just
gonna feel a little pinch...

Arrgh!

It's all right,
it's just locking you in.

...take it.
Ahh!

Doing great kathy,
how's that ride?

Mmph-Mm-Mhmph!

Okay, now use your mouth
to operate the turn signals

And you're off.

Great, who else wants
to give "it" a spin?

Oh man, is
that the "it"?

Yeah.

How is "it"?

Well, it beats dealing with
the airline companies

That's for sure.

I don't know
about this, guys.

I think sleds
are dangerous.

Sledding is something
all kids out here do.

You gotta learn.

It seems like i might
get splinters, though.

Remember, just hold on.

No matter how long the
sledding run lasts, hold on.

Hold on, i see.

Oh jesus
the sled is going fast!

Hang on.

I have to
watch out for my-

Ow, ow, it's so cold
oh jesus!

How far do you think
it is to connecticut?

It's at least
a couple hours.

Think he'll
be all right?

He's fine.

Are you tired of
corporate airline companies

Treating you like
a worthless sardine?

Tired of ridiculous lines
and security at airports?

Well now there's an alternative
to airline travel,

"It"!

"It" has taken
the country by storm.

And already, 2 million
have been sold.

Never have another
important business trip

Ruined by airline
incompetence.

Hey, ladies!

How did you get to
the grand canyon?

It comes in sizes available
for the entire family.

Here you go, robbie.

Wahhhhhh!

Yo, i'm john travolta.

I used to rely on airlines
to get me to set,

But once i got used to "it",

I found "it" to be
a little less painful

Than dealing with
the airline companies.

I just power up
the flexigrips...

Ah, oh, ah, yeah.

And i'm ready to go-
Thank you, "it."

So join the millions
of americans

Who have found a little bit more
comfortable way of traveling.

Orders yours today.

"It" better than flying.

That looks pretty gay.

Kyle two,
where is kyle?

I don't know, mom.

Last time i saw him
he was sledding.

Where on earth
could he be?

You know it's possible he just
went back to connecticut.

Wh-What?

I mean, maybe he got
so worried about his mom

That he found a way to
get back and see her.

Don't be ridiculous,
kyle two!

He's out playing
with his new friends.

I'm just throwing it
out there as a possibility.

I'm back!

Ah!

I'm sorry, you must've
been worried sick.

I got your sled
tangled up with a bus.

A bus, really?

Kyle, what
happened to you?!

I was just sledding and
then the next thing i knew

My sled rope got
tangled with a bus.

I got dragged for
over 100 miles

Before the bus
finally stopped for gas.

I'm sorry about
your sled, kyle.

Oh no, don't worry
about it, dude.

You poor thing!

Come upstairs and we'll get you
out of those wet clothes.

Are you all right?

My ears feel like
they're frozen off.

And i think i have
a hemorrhoid

From sitting on the
sled for so long...

? We're in the
money, mr. Hand?

? We're in
the money, mr. Hand?

Oh hi jimbo,
can i help you?

Yeah, i wanted to order
that theft alarm for my "it".

Oh right, right,
take a seat.

That's okay, i'll stand.

What do you
think, mr. Marsh

All set to put
a down payment on that baby?

Well yeah, but i just
had one question

About the way
it works.

Sure!

Well, it seems
all the buttons

On these front
and rear flexigrips

Are also found on the
side of the vehicle.

Yep.

Well so, they don't
really do anything.

Right.

So then couldn't i just
order one that works

Without going in and
out of my ass and mouth?

Well, i guess youcould.

What? What's that?
What did he say?

I don't know
about this guys.

I think playing hide
and seek in the airport

Might be dangerous.

Kyle, we told you,
kids in colorado

All play hide and seek
at the airport.

Yeah, as soon as we
get to the concourse

You'll see how
fun it is.

This is taking
too long.

The flight to connecticut
is gonna leave.

Hey, can we speed
things up here?

Duh, sorry but ever since
that "it" thing came out

The airlines have had
to cut back on employees.

Dude, we're the
only ones here!

How long does it take to get
five people through security?

Duh, let's see...

Four people
plus, times, divided...

Two hours domestic,
three hours international.

Hide and seek at home?
Can't we just play no.

Ah-Ha, what's this-
A toenail clipper!

Die terrorist!

Wow, oh jesus!

See, we do these
checks for a reason.

This is ridiculous, come on!

Okay, cartman, you're
it, start counting.

1, 2, 3...

Here, kyle,
you hide in here.

In there?
It's very confined,

I'll get cramps
in my legs.

Just get
in the box!

All right then.

Oh, would you
look at that!

I've got a corn
on my ankle.

Where did that
one come from

That's the fourth
one i've had.

These corns are
killing me.

I hope he doesn't
suffocate.

He's fine.

Yeah, he'll be way
better off at home.

Oh jesus, this box
is going fast!

Oh, i did it again!

Excuse me!

What the hell
are you doing?

It's all right,
we're with the government.

We're just
shutting you down.

Shutting me down
why?

The airlines are
in desperate trouble

You're vehicle is causing them
to lose money.

Yeah, that was
the point,dingleberry-

Hey, put that down!

Right, so the government
is bailing out the airlines

By shutting you down
and making "it"s illegal.

Oh goddammit!
You better be kidding!

Sir, many people work
for the airlines

We can't let them
all be fired.

The airline companies
are losing money

Because of their
own incompetence

And their own inefficiency.

That may be true,
but if you

Build, sell, or ride
another "it"

It will be
the last time.

Have a nice night!

Arrrrgh,
airline mother -Ers!

You pieces of!

Oh, it's been days
where can he be?

I don't know, ma.

It's like he vanished
into thin air.

I'm going to call
the police again.

Kyle two, go down to the
playground and look there.

I already checked
the playground, ma.

I told you
he isn't really-

I'm back.
Ahhh!

Kyle, you're back!

Yeah, it's the
craziest thing.

I hid myself on
a plane to antarctica.

Oh, it was so
dry down there.

So dude, did cartman's
idea work?

No, i tried getting my cousin
lost in the woods,

But a stupid bear
brought him home.

Damn!

Just have to face facts
that i'm gonna live with

My crappy cousin forever.

Well, kyle,
i- I gotta go.

What?

Yeah, i gotta get
back to connecticut.

Now that things have
changed for kyle,

His mother
needs him back.

Oh, do you promise!

I mean, oh that's
too bad, dude.

What changed for you?

Well, i-I invested
in that "it" thing,

And there was a bailout,

So i received a $5 million
bailout clause check,

Which i can use
to help my family.

So i-I guess goodbye, cousin.

Okay, see ya, cousin,
hope to see you soon.

Not too soon, i hope.

Yeah.

Five million dollars!

Dude, you have
five million dollars?

Yeah, but i don't know
what to do with it, though.

Well, see ya.

Wait, kyle
this may sound crazy...

But i think
you shouldstay.

Yeah! Yeah!

Really?

Yeah.

You see, i've learned
something today.

Sometimes people have trouble
fitting in at school and um-

...what did i learn?

What did i
learn about...?

I learned that you shouldn't
judge somebody because that-

No, wait...

No, what were
you gonna say?

Listen, guys.

I appreciate you
wanting me around

But the fact of
the matter is... well,

You guys are just
kind of douche bags.

Wha?

I mean, you people are all just
such hick, jock, rednecks.

It's like you're right out of
a stereotype catalog.

I- I can't take it,
see ya!

Dude... weak.

Good job, jew!

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