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1
00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:09,175
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
2
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,710
? I'm going down
to south park?
3
00:00:10,745 --> 00:00:12,211
? Gonna have
myself a time?
4
00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:13,911
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
5
00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:15,681
? Humble folks
without temptation?
6
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,217
? Going down
to south park?
7
00:00:17,252 --> 00:00:18,718
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
8
00:00:19,151 --> 00:00:20,418
? Ample parking
day or night?
9
00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:21,971
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
10
00:00:22,006 --> 00:00:23,615
? Headin' on up
to south park?
11
00:00:23,650 --> 00:00:25,224
? Gonna see
if i can't unwind?
12
00:00:28,694 --> 00:00:30,429
? So come on down
to south park?
13
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,164
? And meet some
friends of mine?
14
00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,336
So, we meet again,
jennifer lopez.
15
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,603
"No, no, please!
16
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,806
This time i swear i won't make
any more albums or movies."
17
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,073
That's what
you said last time,
18
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:45,578
But obviously we must now
resort to more drastic measures.
19
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,614
"Oh, god,
it burns, it burns!"
20
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:49,482
Scream for me, bitch!
21
00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:51,182
"Aah!"
22
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,917
Whoa, awesome!
23
00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,687
Hey guys, you guys, come here,
you gotta check this out!
24
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:55,953
Oh, no, what now?
25
00:00:55,988 --> 00:00:57,290
No, you guys,
this is really cool.
26
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,857
Come on!
27
00:00:59,892 --> 00:01:01,193
What's this
all about, kenny?
28
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,447
Watch this,
it's so funny.
29
00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,399
Come here, garden,
come on.
30
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:11,170
Heh-Heh, heh-Heh.
31
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:12,905
Red rocket,
red rocket, heh-Heh!
32
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,171
Come on!
33
00:01:14,206 --> 00:01:15,290
Cartman, what the
hell are you doing?
34
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,375
I'm milking the dog,
they make dog milk.
35
00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:18,327
No they don't.
Yeah they do!
36
00:01:18,362 --> 00:01:19,810
Yes, just
hold on a minute.
37
00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:20,929
The 5th graders showed us
how to do it.
38
00:01:20,964 --> 00:01:22,014
Red rocket, come on, dog,
red rocket.
39
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:24,148
Oh, hoo!
40
00:01:24,183 --> 00:01:25,484
Whoa, cool!
That's awesome!
41
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,184
I told you guys.
42
00:01:27,219 --> 00:01:28,486
I had no ideas dogs
made milk, do it again.
43
00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:31,123
Dumb-Ass, you can only milk
a dog once every few hours.
44
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,726
It doesn't work if you beat off
a dog again right away.
45
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,992
You "beat off"?
46
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:36,329
That's what it's called
when you milk a dog,
47
00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:37,196
Beating it off.
48
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:38,497
Don't you guys
know anything?
49
00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:39,799
Wow, you learned all this
from the 5th graders?
50
00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,534
Yeah, i guess they
thought we were cool
51
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,401
So they showed us
how to do it.
52
00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:43,703
Hey, come here, dog.
Dog, come here.
53
00:01:43,738 --> 00:01:44,570
Heh-Heh-Heh.
54
00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:47,173
I was really happy
with this month's book.
55
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,775
I agree with what
bob and linda said-
56
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,077
Mom, dad,
you gotta see this!
57
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,343
Not now, stanley,
58
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,547
This is mommy's and daddy's
book club night, remember?
59
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:55,414
But it's super cool!
60
00:01:55,848 --> 00:01:56,716
Later, sweetie.
61
00:01:57,149 --> 00:01:59,318
Anyway, i found myself enticed
by steinbeck's imagery.
62
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,921
The first chapter alone
was filled with poetry.
63
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,187
Oh, wasn't it?
64
00:02:03,222 --> 00:02:05,356
I mean,
red rocket, red rocket!
65
00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:07,126
"Cannery row in monterey
in california
66
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,728
Is a poem, a stint,
a grating noise."
67
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,131
It's amazing how
with three images
68
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,500
He puts you
right there and...
69
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,235
Red rocket,
red rocket!
70
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,501
Ahh!
71
00:02:17,536 --> 00:02:18,838
Stanley, what the hell
are you doing?!
72
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,156
I'm beating off
the dog.
73
00:02:20,191 --> 00:02:21,405
Red rocket,
red rocket!
74
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,609
Stanley, you go to
your room right now!
75
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,928
My room, why?
76
00:02:24,963 --> 00:02:26,212
Go, stanley!
77
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,887
He gets very
good grades.
78
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:36,622
Stanley,
do you know why
79
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:38,322
You're being grounded for 10 months? No!
80
00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:40,960
Beating off the dog is not
appropriate when we have company.
81
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:42,660
I mean- Ever!
82
00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:45,297
Beating off the dog
is not appropriate ever.
83
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,165
Why, what's the
big deal?
84
00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:48,768
Stanley, don't you understand
what you were doing?
85
00:02:49,201 --> 00:02:50,503
I was doing red rocket to make
the dog's milk come out.
86
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:54,407
No, stan, what you're doing
to the dog was... sexual.
87
00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:55,274
Huh?
88
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,443
You were stimulating
the dog, stanley.
89
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,046
What came out of him
was his...
90
00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:01,347
Randy?
91
00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:03,516
Well, you know, when you
do that to a male...
92
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:08,686
You make his...
stuff come out.
93
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:11,323
Well, jesus, haven't they taught
you these things in school?
94
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,191
What things?
95
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,227
Sexual education- Haven't
you learned that yet?
96
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:16,494
No!
97
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,264
Oh, well,
you see, stanley-
98
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,083
Well, your school should be
teaching this stuff.
99
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,469
Yeah, let's get that
damn school on the phone.
100
00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:28,674
Okay, parents, i know a lot of
you want a chance to speak,
101
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,242
But we want have to
talk one at a time.
102
00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:34,747
Look, our kids are learning sexual
things on the streets and on television.
103
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,447
There's no way
we can stop it.
104
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,085
The schools have to
teach them sexual education
105
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,351
At a younger age.
106
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,555
School policy has been to teach
sexual education later,
107
00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:43,856
In the 6th grade.
108
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,556
It isn't
soon enough.
109
00:03:45,591 --> 00:03:46,857
Yeah, why just
this afternoon
110
00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:50,362
Our son was caught
beating off our dog.
111
00:03:50,796 --> 00:03:53,833
Look, parents, do you really want
your children learning about sex?
112
00:03:54,266 --> 00:03:56,435
Part of the fun of being a kid
is being naive.
113
00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:58,387
Let them be kids
for a while.
114
00:03:58,422 --> 00:03:59,870
Naive at what
cost, chef?
115
00:03:59,905 --> 00:04:01,605
Parents, we have to
face facts.
116
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,459
Children in america are having
sex at younger and younger ages.
117
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,279
S.T.D.S are affecting younger
and younger kids all the time.
118
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,979
The only way we can
combat that
119
00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:12,051
Is by educating children
before they have sex.
120
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,751
The first thing that kids
learn about sex
121
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:16,822
Shouldn't be some big
scare tactic about s.T.D.S.
122
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,522
No, she's right.
123
00:04:18,557 --> 00:04:20,691
With all the teen pregnancies
that are out today,
124
00:04:20,726 --> 00:04:23,763
I think my boydoesneed to know
about sexual education.
125
00:04:23,798 --> 00:04:25,463
From the school.
126
00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:26,799
Yeah, uh-Huh.
Yeah, we have to.
127
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:33,739
Okay, boys, this is the first day
of sexual education, m'kay now.
128
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,342
I know that some of you
think this is very funny.
129
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,944
Words like
"penis" and "vagina".
130
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,946
Now, stop that, m'kay.
131
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,150
We're gonna get through this
by being mature and grown up.
132
00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:45,885
M'kay.
133
00:04:51,957 --> 00:04:54,560
Now, this is the
male anatomy, m'kay?
134
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,163
Here we see the testis
and the scrotum.
135
00:04:58,464 --> 00:04:59,730
Stop that, m'kay!
136
00:04:59,765 --> 00:05:03,235
The next person that laughs
is gonna get a referral.
137
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,935
M'kay...
138
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,139
Now, in order to have
intercourse, m'kay,
139
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:10,176
The man takes
his penis and he...
140
00:05:10,211 --> 00:05:14,478
Uh, let's see.
141
00:05:14,513 --> 00:05:20,117
The man takes
his penis and he... hmm.
142
00:05:20,152 --> 00:05:22,321
Dude, haven't you ever had
intercourse, mr. Mackey?
143
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,073
Well, sure i have,
it's just...
144
00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:26,034
I was about
19 at the time.
145
00:05:26,069 --> 00:05:27,960
It's been about
21 years.
146
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,261
M'kay...
147
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:30,996
Let's see, uh...
148
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:34,466
I'm pretty sure i took-
Yeah, i took the penis and i-
149
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,503
What the hell did i do
with that damn thing?
150
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,637
All right, girls,
151
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,841
Even though this may be stuff
you don't want to hear
152
00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:43,541
You need to hear it.
153
00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,744
Oh, we wanna hear it,
miss choksondik, we're excited.
154
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,479
Yeah, we think
it's gonna be fun.
155
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,312
Yeah! Yeah!
156
00:05:48,347 --> 00:05:50,047
Fun, it's
going to be fun?
157
00:05:50,082 --> 00:05:52,685
Well let's start with our
first lesson then, shall we?
158
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,721
Sexually transmitted
diseases!
159
00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,289
That's right, because unless
you get boys to wear condoms
160
00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:01,360
You can and will get a sexually
transmitted disease from them.
161
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,095
How fun is that, hmm?
Is that fun?
162
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,361
I didn't mean that-
163
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:06,999
Today over 20,000 americans
will contract a sexual disease.
164
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:07,832
Today!
165
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,168
12,000 more tomorrow.
166
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:11,337
And the reason is that you girls
wake up in the morning
167
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,505
And say, "it's not gonna
happen to me."
168
00:06:13,939 --> 00:06:14,807
You say,
"oh, miss choksondik,
169
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:16,976
"That happens to girls
in detroit and brooklyn,
170
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:18,277
But not here
in colorado."
171
00:06:18,312 --> 00:06:19,543
Wrong!
172
00:06:19,578 --> 00:06:21,530
Gonorrhea, herpes,
chlamydia, h.P.V, h.I.V.,
173
00:06:21,565 --> 00:06:23,482
Syphilis, hepatitis "b",
hepatitis "c"-
174
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,182
The list goes on and on.
175
00:06:25,217 --> 00:06:26,483
These are
serious diseases!
176
00:06:26,518 --> 00:06:28,219
They have serious
consequences!
177
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,422
You think that sex is about
fun and games and love.
178
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,990
Wrong!
Sex is about disease.
179
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:34,326
Here's a little picture
of herpes.
180
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,194
Ahh! Ahh!
181
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:36,495
And here's a little
syphilis for ya.
182
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,363
Aah! Aah!
183
00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:39,063
That's right, girls,
184
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,267
Here's what happens when you
don't get boys to use condoms.
185
00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:42,568
Hello there, children.
186
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,834
Hey, chef!
187
00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:45,569
How is sexual
education class going?
188
00:06:45,604 --> 00:06:47,339
It's dumb, mr. Mackey
doesn't teach us nothin'.
189
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,091
Yeah, i don't think
ol' mackey
190
00:06:49,126 --> 00:06:50,835
Knows a hymen from
a hysterectomy.
191
00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:52,791
And choksondik,
i'd be surprised
192
00:06:52,826 --> 00:06:54,713
If she'severgotten
laid in her life.
193
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,980
Yeah.
194
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,750
Chef, what's "laid"?
195
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,016
Oh, nothing.
196
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,619
Now move along, children,
you're holding up the line.
197
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:04,690
Hey, maybe we should ask the
girls what they learned in sex ed.
198
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,522
Yeah.
199
00:07:05,557 --> 00:07:06,425
Hey, wendy,
did you guys get-
200
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,125
Aah!
201
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,895
What the hell is
wrong with them?
202
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,064
You guys,
we just wanna know-
203
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:12,932
Aah!
204
00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:14,666
Stay away from me, stan!
Why?
205
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:15,968
Are you wearing
a condom?
206
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,668
A what?
Aah!
207
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,438
Do any of you have
your condoms on?
208
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,306
No.
209
00:07:20,739 --> 00:07:22,041
Don't you know that
without wearing a condom
210
00:07:22,474 --> 00:07:23,342
You could
get a disease?
211
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:24,643
Nah-Ah.
Yeah-Huh.
212
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:26,378
If you don't wear a condom
you're gonna get aids.
213
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,645
Aids?
214
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,848
Oh jeez, i don't wanna
get the aids, fellas.
215
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,115
Is that what you
learned in sex ed?
216
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,850
Mr. Mackey didn't say
nothing about that.
217
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:34,620
Dude, mr. Mackey didn't know
anything about anything.
218
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,372
You guys have to
wear condoms.
219
00:07:36,407 --> 00:07:38,090
Now, please, just,
just go away.
220
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,224
We don't want your aids.
221
00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:41,126
But wendy, we don't
understand how-
222
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,694
Aah!
223
00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,030
Oh my god, dude.
224
00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:46,730
What are we
gonna do, huh?
225
00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:48,067
Dude, we gotta go get
condoms quick.
226
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,235
Yeah! Yeah!
227
00:07:52,838 --> 00:07:54,139
Heh...
228
00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:00,128
Can i help you boys?
229
00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:01,213
Yeah, we need
condoms.
230
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,965
Condoms?
231
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,648
Yeah, quick.
232
00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:05,985
How old
are you boys?
233
00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:07,502
Why does that matter?
234
00:08:07,537 --> 00:08:08,552
I'll be nine
next week.
235
00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:10,756
Sorry, kids, i'm not
selling you condoms.
236
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,890
Why not, you want us
to get aids?
237
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:14,660
I just don't think that
kids your age should be-
238
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,395
Mark, we have to be willing
to supply condoms
239
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,130
To anyone who
requests them.
240
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,396
But, they're children!
241
00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:21,600
Would you rather them
do it unprotected?
242
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,734
Yeah, you want us
unprotected, asshole?
243
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,938
I just think that all this
sex ed and condom talk
244
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,256
In elementary school
is wrong.
245
00:08:27,291 --> 00:08:28,505
Kids are going to
do what they do,
246
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,709
And it's up to us to make
sure they're protected.
247
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,011
I'm glad this
lady's on our side.
248
00:08:32,444 --> 00:08:33,746
I don't think we have any
that will even fit them.
249
00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:35,047
Sure, we do,
250
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,216
We just got in the new
gladiatorsfor kids.
251
00:08:37,649 --> 00:08:38,482
"Lil mini's"-
252
00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:39,818
They're specially designed
for can kids under 10,
253
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,987
And they're only 5.95
for a box of 50.
254
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,253
Fifty?
255
00:08:43,288 --> 00:08:45,024
Can't we just use the
same one every day?
256
00:08:45,059 --> 00:08:46,325
No, you have to
change it.
257
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:49,795
Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to
buy tons of these things.
258
00:08:50,662 --> 00:08:53,265
Well, thanks so much for letting
me come over, miss choksondik.
259
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,566
Oh, it's no problem,
mr. Mackey,
260
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,735
It's probably best we come up
with a lesson plan together anyway.
261
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,904
Yeah, i've already gone over
most of the basics, y'know,
262
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,639
With the boys,
but i, ah,
263
00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:04,109
Just wanted to see what else
you were teaching the girls
264
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,809
In case i
missed anything.
265
00:09:05,844 --> 00:09:07,111
We should make sure
our students
266
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,412
Are good and scared
of the consequences.
267
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,182
We have to teach them that
diseases are possible,
268
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,882
Even with just oral sex.
269
00:09:11,917 --> 00:09:15,170
Right, oral sex, which
of course would be?
270
00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:17,898
Using your mouth on
the penis or vagina.
271
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:20,557
Penis or vagina, right,
oral sex, m'kay.
272
00:09:20,592 --> 00:09:23,195
It's just too bad these girls
are having sex so young.
273
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,496
Yeah... did you?
274
00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:26,196
Did i what?
275
00:09:26,231 --> 00:09:29,701
Well, how long did you wait
before you had, uh, doobers?
276
00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:32,738
Well, if you must know, i'm
still somewhat of a virgin.
277
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,004
But i'm not
ashamed of it!
278
00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:37,509
I wasn't really sought after
much in high school or college.
279
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,979
I was made fun of most my life
for having such large glasses.
280
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,246
The only boyfriend
i ever had
281
00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,883
Was this attractive, popular
boy named steven garret.
282
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,486
I liked him very much, but i
found out he was dating me
283
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,455
Because he had lost a bet
on the superbowl.
284
00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:51,390
Loser had to go out with me
for three days.
285
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,090
Oh, i'm sorry.
286
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,426
People can be
very cruel.
287
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,161
Anyway, i know it's
hard to understand.
288
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,861
Actually, i understand
perfectly.
289
00:09:57,896 --> 00:10:01,800
I wasn't exactly the captain
of the football team either.
290
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,802
And then as i got older,
291
00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,656
My head just sort of
seemed to get bigger
292
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,951
While the rest of my body
stayed the same.
293
00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:12,211
That's how i got my
nickname in college.
294
00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,078
Your nickname?
295
00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,681
"That guy with the
really big head."
296
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:16,947
Right.
297
00:10:16,982 --> 00:10:18,717
Anyway, i sort of
lost any confidence
298
00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:22,621
And found it impossible to
ever ask a woman out.
299
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,356
Well, i've never met a man
300
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,959
Who was as sexually
unappealing as me.
301
00:10:27,392 --> 00:10:29,960
Neither have i.
302
00:10:29,995 --> 00:10:31,695
Well, i'm quite happy
without sex.
303
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,899
I mean, with all the diseases
and problems out there.
304
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:34,766
Who needs it, right?
305
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,085
Not me.
306
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,334
M'kay.
307
00:10:37,369 --> 00:10:38,670
Well, back to the
lesson plan then.
308
00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:40,804
Right.
Okay, oral sex.
309
00:10:40,839 --> 00:10:42,539
Doesn't it give any
other directions?
310
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:47,346
No, it looks like you're just
supposed to roll it over your wiener.
311
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,515
"If used probably latex
condoms are effective against
312
00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:52,985
Pregnancy, aids
and other 'stdses'."
313
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,251
What are "stdses"?
314
00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:55,986
How the heck
should i know?
315
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:58,624
Why, it's just
a little doughnut.
316
00:10:59,057 --> 00:11:00,792
Oh, it's all gooey.
317
00:11:01,226 --> 00:11:02,527
Just put it on,
butters.
318
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:03,829
How come i
gotta go first?
319
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:05,998
Butters, will you stop...
filibustering.
320
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:09,034
All right then.
321
00:11:10,769 --> 00:11:12,035
Oh, it's sticky.
322
00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:13,805
It says you gotta check
it for holes or tears.
323
00:11:14,239 --> 00:11:15,974
I don't even understand
how this thing-
324
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,108
Oh, wait, oh, i see.
325
00:11:18,143 --> 00:11:19,444
Don't look at butters'
schlong, gay-Mo!
326
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,711
I wasn't looking
at his schlong,
327
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,047
I was seeing how to
put the condom on!
328
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,313
Sure.
But it won't stay on.
329
00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:25,083
I need a rubber band
or something.
330
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,269
I've got
rubber bands!
331
00:11:27,304 --> 00:11:29,386
Ow, oh, ow!
Okay, ow!
332
00:11:29,421 --> 00:11:32,240
There, okay,
i think it's on.
333
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:35,060
How do you feel?
Pretty good.
334
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,760
Do you feel
protected?
335
00:11:36,795 --> 00:11:38,747
Yeah, i don't think nothing's getting
at my wiener through this thing.
336
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,699
It's even got a little reservoir
at the end so you can pee in it.
337
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,567
All right,
here, everybody.
338
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:42,868
Tweek, give everybody
a rubber band.
339
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:44,603
Hey, somebody's gotta help
timmy put his condom on.
340
00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,338
Timmy!
341
00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,339
Teachers,
i have some bad news.
342
00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:52,410
Last night i received a phone
call from the local pharmacist.
343
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,447
Apparently, almost all of our
4th graders are sexually active.
344
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,182
And now that we've
scared them a little
345
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,917
They're buying
condoms to use.
346
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,219
I knew it.
347
00:12:00,652 --> 00:12:02,604
Well, at least we scared them
enough to protect themselves.
348
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,556
But now maybe you'll believe me
when i say that we need to be
349
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,124
Teaching even younger
than 4th grade.
350
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,327
But how old do you think
a student should be
351
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,496
When they learn about
proper condom use?
352
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,815
Kindergarten.
353
00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:14,064
Kindergarten?!
354
00:12:14,099 --> 00:12:17,569
We've to get to the students
before they start having... sex.
355
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,703
Not after.
356
00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:21,690
Oh, now this is
getting ridiculous.
357
00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:23,607
I have to agree with
miss choksondik.
358
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,811
It's our responsibility to
make sure our kids are safe
359
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,563
If they're gonna
screw around.
360
00:12:27,598 --> 00:12:29,281
I guess we have
no choice.
361
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:34,486
Okay, children, who can
tell me what a condom is?
362
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,355
Yes, jenny.
363
00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:40,993
It flies around
and it's endangered.
364
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,560
That's acondor,
jenny,condor.
365
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:46,632
Condoms are what we use to stop
the spread of s.T.D.S.
366
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:48,332
Yes, filmore?
367
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,067
Can we do
finger-Paints?
368
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,403
No, we can't do
finger-Paints!
369
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,537
You kids wanna
get herpes, huh?
370
00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:55,741
How about a nice bucket
of aids, sound good?
371
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,742
Now pay attention,
all right?
372
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:02,030
I'm going to show you the
proper way to put on a condom.
373
00:13:02,065 --> 00:13:05,284
First of all, you remove the
condom from its package.
374
00:13:05,717 --> 00:13:09,187
Then you find which way
the condom rolls out.
375
00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:13,525
Put it in your mouth
and apply.
376
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:20,032
Ahhh, ahh!
377
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,200
And it's as simple
as that, any questions?
378
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:23,935
All right, girls,
yesterday we went over
379
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,538
The myriad of diseases
you can get from boys.
380
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:27,804
But today we're
going to talk about
381
00:13:27,839 --> 00:13:31,310
The most horrible disease
they can give you of all.
382
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:33,443
Pregnancy!
383
00:13:33,478 --> 00:13:36,515
That's right, since you girls
decided to be sexually active,
384
00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:38,215
Teen pregnancy
is at an all-Time high.
385
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,419
You seem to think it's gonna be
fun and neat to have a baby.
386
00:13:40,852 --> 00:13:44,288
Well, let's watch
a little video, shall we?
387
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,793
Strikie smallspresents
"the miracle of child birth".
388
00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:49,961
The time is drawing close
for delivery.
389
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,697
Here we can see
the water breaking.
390
00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:53,397
Eww!
391
00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:54,733
Later the contractions are
happening closer together.
392
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:56,867
Mom sure is in
a lot of pain.
393
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,071
Now we can see the crown
of the baby's head,
394
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,337
Stretching the
vaginal walls
395
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:03,191
In ways never before thought
possible by mom.
396
00:14:03,226 --> 00:14:06,011
Finally the miracle happens
and the baby is born.
397
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,277
But mom's not done yet.
398
00:14:07,312 --> 00:14:09,481
She's still got some afterbirth
to push out of her.
399
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,916
Aaah!
400
00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:14,252
That's right.
401
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:16,855
Girls, girls,
where are you going?
402
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,268
Man, this condom is
driving me crazy.
403
00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:33,038
Yeah, i've changed mine
three times already
404
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,773
'Cause it itches so much.
405
00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,508
Yeah, but it makes going
to the bathroom easier.
406
00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:39,978
All right, boys, i now have
all the information i need
407
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,413
To teach you the
female anatomy, m'kay.
408
00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:46,485
M'kay, this part here
is the vaginal opening.
409
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,020
This is where
the man puts his-
410
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,521
Eric, what the hell
are you doing?
411
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,623
I'm putting on
a new condom,
412
00:14:50,658 --> 00:14:51,824
I filled
the other one up.
413
00:14:51,859 --> 00:14:52,991
Why are you
wearing a condom?
414
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,257
So, i don't get aids.
415
00:14:54,292 --> 00:14:56,027
Eric, you can't get aids
from just sitting around,
416
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,329
You have to get it
from sex.
417
00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:58,595
From sex?
Yes.
418
00:14:58,630 --> 00:14:59,931
You mean intercourse
with a girl?
419
00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:01,198
Yes!
420
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,968
Now will you all
pay attention, please?
421
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,668
The vagina and
the clitoris are on...
422
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:07,305
All this time, it's the
girls that giveusdiseases.
423
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,572
I knew it, girls lie!
424
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:09,873
They lie right to
your face!
425
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,077
Now here we can see the
interior female anatomy...
426
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,246
Well, that does it,
if us boys are going to live
427
00:15:14,679 --> 00:15:16,415
We have to get rid of
the girls.
428
00:15:16,848 --> 00:15:18,150
Yeah, come on, guys,
this is war.
429
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,468
Yeah.
430
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:20,752
Come on!
431
00:15:26,391 --> 00:15:29,861
And here we see the
tender, magical uterus.
432
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:32,030
Here we see the
enticing, voluptuous
433
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,031
Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
434
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:36,368
Okay, children,
now i want to review
435
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,935
The different
sexual positions.
436
00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:41,573
Who can tell me which sexual
positions we talked about?
437
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,707
Missionary position.
438
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:45,442
Missionary position, good.
439
00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,778
A little boring,
but tried and true.
440
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,296
What else?
441
00:15:48,331 --> 00:15:49,346
Doggie.
442
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:50,682
That's right, doggie style
we went over, mm-Hmm.
443
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,250
Pile driver.
444
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,454
Uh-Huh, pile driver position,
good, quake.
445
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:57,189
The filthy sanchez.
446
00:15:57,622 --> 00:16:00,659
Yes, good, flora, you remembered
the filthy sanchez.
447
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:02,359
Hot karl?
448
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:05,430
Yes, you can give your partner
the old hot karl, sure.
449
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:13,637
There, you see?
450
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:16,274
The girls have built some kind
of stronghold to keep us out.
451
00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:18,877
Stay away from us, bastards,
we don't wanna get pregnant!
452
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,913
Yeah, just take your diseases
and go away forever.
453
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:23,665
Ha! They're
your diseases.
454
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,383
Yeah, you get
out of town.
455
00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:26,650
Here, talk to them,
butters.
456
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,819
Me? What the heck am i
supposed to say?
457
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,155
Just tell them if they
leave town peacefully
458
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,974
We won't have to
resort to violence.
459
00:16:33,009 --> 00:16:35,325
Just walk away.
460
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,529
You can put a stop
to all this.
461
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:41,867
Just walk away, and we will
spare your lives.
462
00:16:41,902 --> 00:16:43,168
Just walk away.
463
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,469
He's pretty good.
464
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:47,506
We'll never
walk away, never!
465
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:53,977
Oh, bitch!
466
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:55,313
That does it!
Attack!
467
00:16:55,747 --> 00:17:00,050
M'kay, so apparently
the lesson plan tomorrow
468
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:04,856
Is supposed to involve secretion
of bodily fluids, m'kay.
469
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,591
I've already gone through
that with the girls,
470
00:17:07,025 --> 00:17:07,892
It's pretty simple.
471
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:08,760
Do you want
a drink?
472
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,495
Why, sure.
473
00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:14,399
Yeah, i think i can get through
that stuff pretty quick.
474
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,869
Ah, maybe we should come up
with another lesson plan.
475
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:19,135
Something about
how nerve endings
476
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,339
Play an important part
in intercourse.
477
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,606
Oh, right, right.
478
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:26,328
Like...
in the... nipples.
479
00:17:26,363 --> 00:17:29,980
Or the...
shaft of the penis.
480
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:34,352
It says here that
the, uh, head of the penis
481
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:38,690
Is actually the most
sensitive part, m'kay.
482
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,293
Oh yes, the nerve endings
are the most concentrated
483
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,993
At the tip of the penis,
484
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:46,897
Like they are in the
clitoris of the woman.
485
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:50,835
And these are the two areas
most important to...
486
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,438
Sexual stimulation.
487
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,307
Oh, is this wrong?
488
00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:00,378
I don't know,
it doesn't feel wrong.
489
00:18:02,547 --> 00:18:05,150
I've been thinking about you
a lot, miss choksondik.
490
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:08,186
Yeah, what do you do when
you think about me?
491
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,054
Go crazy.
492
00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:10,355
Do you touch
yourself?
493
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,890
Yeah.
494
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,391
Mmm.
495
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,889
Ah, m'kay.
496
00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:47,659
Oh my gosh, oh god.
Stop, stop!
497
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,828
What's wrong?
498
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:52,430
It's your turn.
499
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,467
Oh, oh,
miss choksondik.
500
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,034
M'kay, m'kay!
501
00:18:58,069 --> 00:18:59,336
Do you want me?
I do.
502
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:02,841
Tell me.
I want you, m'kay.
503
00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,107
Wait, wait, wait!
504
00:19:04,142 --> 00:19:06,311
Do you have
a condom?
505
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,046
Well, no.
506
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,614
Oh well,
it.
507
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,950
Oh god,
give it to me.
508
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,084
Oh yeah.
509
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,287
Oh, oh, that's it,
baby, that's it.
510
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,456
Oh, you feel
so good, m'kay.
511
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,145
What the hell
was that?
512
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,880
Did you feel
something?
513
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:45,350
Oh, no.
514
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:48,820
Jesus christ!
515
00:19:51,856 --> 00:19:54,459
Ooh, butters, you're in
big trouble now.
516
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:01,166
Well, i don't know
what got into you kids.
517
00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:02,866
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
518
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,636
We just didn't want the
girls giving us diseases.
519
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,336
I'm afraid this is
all my fault.
520
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,540
I think i went a little
overboard scaring the girls.
521
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,709
I forgot to tell them that
to get diseases from boys
522
00:20:11,142 --> 00:20:13,311
You have to have sex
with them first.
523
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,577
Oh!
524
00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:18,083
Well, i hate to say it, but
you all got what you deserve.
525
00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:18,915
Huh? Huh?
526
00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:20,685
Look, schools are
teaching condom use
527
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,071
To younger and younger
students each day.
528
00:20:23,106 --> 00:20:25,023
But sex isn't something
that should be taught
529
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,723
In textbooks and diagrams.
530
00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:28,710
Sex is emotional
and spiritual.
531
00:20:28,745 --> 00:20:30,571
It needs to be taught
by family.
532
00:20:30,606 --> 00:20:32,362
I know it can be
hard, parents,
533
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,999
But if you leave it up to the
schools to teach sex to kids,
534
00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:37,168
You don't know who
they're learning it from.
535
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,354
It could be someone
who doesn't know.
536
00:20:39,389 --> 00:20:41,506
Someone who has
a bad opinion of it,
537
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,074
Or even a complete pervert.
538
00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,627
What, why did you
pan to me just now?
539
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,145
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
540
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:48,845
He's right,
i never knew how
541
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,749
Special and personal sex was
until just recently.
542
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,820
This whole mess started because we
couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.
543
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,006
It easier to leave it
up to the school,
544
00:20:58,041 --> 00:21:00,123
But it's just not
a school subject.
545
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:02,761
Then it's decided, no more
condom classes in grade school.
546
00:21:03,194 --> 00:21:04,461
Hooray! Hooray!
547
00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,664
But chef, when is the right age
for us to start having sex?
548
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,364
It's very simple,
children,
549
00:21:08,399 --> 00:21:11,436
The right time to
start having sex is...
550
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:12,702
Seventeen.
551
00:21:12,737 --> 00:21:14,437
Seventeen?
Seventeen.
552
00:21:14,472 --> 00:21:16,641
So you mean 17 as long as
you're in love?
553
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:17,907
No, just 17.
554
00:21:17,942 --> 00:21:20,111
But what if you're
not ready at 17?
555
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,245
17, you're ready.
556
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,546
Well, i guess we got
a while to wait
557
00:21:23,581 --> 00:21:25,750
Before we worry about sex
and diseases, huh, wendy?
558
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,016
Yeah, thank god.
559
00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:27,919
Well, i guess now that
that's out of the way
560
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,220
We can get on
with our lives.
561
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,487
Come here, boy.
562
00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:32,257
That's it, red rocket,
red rocket, come on yeah.
563
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,558
Come on,
red rocket, dog.
564
00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:35,727
Red rocket now.
565
00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:39,631
Okay, children, so what other
sexual positions
566
00:21:40,064 --> 00:21:41,331
Did we talk about?
567
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:44,402
Yeah, the wrap-Around butt grab,
sure, can't forget that.
568
00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:46,571
Uh-Huh, reverse cowgirl,
good, kevin.
569
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:49,174
Hot lunch, yeah,
she likes that.
570
00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:51,307
Donkey punch, uh-Huh.
571
00:21:51,342 --> 00:21:54,379
Glass bottom boat,
good one, yes.
572
00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:56,548
Fish eye,
good, jenny.
573
00:21:56,981 --> 00:21:59,150
Chili dog, mm-Hmm.
574
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:00,885
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
575
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:03,054
Captioned by
soundwriters
39386
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