All language subtitles for Men_for_Sale.2008.ENG[1]

For over a year we spoke with young men who attend the Séro Zéro
project for sex workers. This film relates those encounters.

MEN FOR SALE

How long have you been
a sex worker'?

Five years.

- For five years?
- Yeah.

- You started when you were 14'?
- Yeah.

What made you start?

Easy money.

It's quick and easy.

Money and drugs.

That's it.

Why did you need money
when you were 14 years old?

Drugs.

To get that fucking dope.

I started taking crack
when I was 14.

I got into prostitution
to pay for it.

It was quick and easy.

Did you start working
with friends?

No, right here.

I was going by and someone said."
"You wanna come with me?"

I Went.
Gave me 100 bucks. Shit.

That's how I got into it.

Do you remember a for
about the first time?

Yes.

How did it go?

Au right.

Fast.

Nothing sick.

Are there things you refuse to do?

For sure. Tons.

Like what?

Taking it in the ass.
Never.

A thousand bucks'?
Fuck you

Don't even think about it.
Shit!

Anything with whips.

It makes me crazy.

Lots of things like that.

I can't even count how many.

November

November

So you got into drugs
before prostitution?

'lea h. A little before.

Then at one point I got into
prostitution to pay for my drugs.

What drugs do you do?

Cocaine.

Do you shoot?

Yeah, I shoot.
I snort and I smoke Moo.

I've had that problem for a while.

It's a bit better now,
getting better.

It's not too bad
these last two months.

A while back, like, two months ago,
I was pretty down.

Sick of life, you know,
down pretty low.

My head wasn't really
on straight, eh?

I was sick of everything.
Didn't give a shit about life.

I've been through
stages like that before.

Up and down.

One day you start
taking things a bit easier.

Things get son of smooth,
comfortable, a bit more relaxed.

Then it's not so hard to stay clean.

You just gotta
get through times like that,

feeling unbalanced physically
and mentally.

That's the way coke is;

like Bur not.

So usually it's 35 minutes
for $20.

And we'll, like,
stroke each other.

Depending on what the client wants,

you Know, give each other affection,
have some fun.

You know, having fun together,

that's really what the customer
wants sometimes.

But it's different
with every client, a different show.

We all want different things, right?

One guy's gonna like one thing,

someone else is going
to want it a bit different.

Are there things you refuse to do?

Yeah.

What do you refuse to do?

I don't let anyone penetrate me.
Never tried.

Don't feel comfortable with it
because it's not something I'd like.

Do a lot of clients ask you
to do that?

Yeah, quite a few.

Some of them would've paid
a lot of money.

Some offered me $ 150, $200.
But I turned them down.

You turned them down.

You know about my heath,

sometimes they want a blow job

but I always use a condom,
I always use protection.

I've always been real paranoid
about my health,

even if I use.

I'm in pretty good health,
for a user,

and I get tested once in a while.

I got tested not long ago,
a month, maybe two weeks ago.

I'm really paranoid,
but I try to be careful.

So when a client says
he's going to pay me more money

if 1 don't wear a condom,

I tell him." "My health 's
worth more than your money.

"If I lose my health, I can't
buy it back with your money. "

I explain how it would
weigh heavy on me afterwards.

I don't take chances.

Even if he sings that same old song
about how he really wants it.

No way.
No damn way.

I was supposed to get a place
with one of my friends,

but then two days after
we got here,

he took off

and it didn't really
work out too good.

Everybody on the street downtown
is in the same pattern.

You either sell drugs
or you're a sex worker.

You meet a lot of people,
and I met a guy who was doing that.

It's a good way
to make money fast.

When you first do it,
it's degrading,

but at some point
you just get used to it.

Now I know lots of people,

and when I need a place to sleep,
I know who to call.

It's easy.

I've never been in love.

But sometimes...

I've felt some strong feelings.

When a guy
is sucking you off,

well, I'm not made of stone.

For sure I feel something.

You were talking
about my first time.

I remember my first time,

how I liked Ba lot.

I really liked it.

But real feelings'?
No.

- Do you have brothers and sisters?
- Yes, three brothers.

Well, two brothers,
a sister and a half-brother.

And where are they?

My brothers here.
He's around.

But at the moment,
he's in Bordeaux.

I have a sister in Dominique Savio,
in a home there,

and a brother in Mont Saint-Antoine.

And my little brother,
he's with my mother.

I don't really know where.

Have you ever lived with a client?

Yes, but 1 couldn't stand it.

It was like,
"Have you washed behind your ears?"

Shit!

"Do your dishes."
"They're in the dishwasher."

"Come on, rinse them."
"I did."

"Put out your cigarette
in an ashtray.

"You Know you can't empty
the ashtray in that garbage."

No, I couldn't take it.
Forget it!

"You're not my mother.
You're telling me to clean my room?

"It's my room. I 'II do what I want.
So get out."

How bong did that go on?

Three months, maybe?

Then I packed up
and got the he" om of there.

So what do you think of them?
Why do they pay someone to have sex?

Well, because they're--
They're hard up, man.

They're pathetic.

It's the only way they feel loved.

They think we love them.
We don't give a shit.

We want them to empty their wallets,
their bank account, and get out.

They don't get it.

We laugh at them.

But don't you think
they have a clue?

I mean, you're 20 years
younger than them.

The number of people
who get screwed up every year...

You know, by us prostitutes
in the gay section of Montréal...

You have any idea how many lives
are totally messed up?

There's a guy who comes looking
for some pot one night,

I tell him." "No, I can't find any pot,
but I can get a rock.

It'll make you feel all raunchy."

Then he wants to try some
and he gets hooked.

You empty his bank account together,

screw up his relationship
with his wife.

Then he loses his job,
loses everything.

That's what we do; we destroy lives.

And all we care about
is getting crack.

We don't think
about what we're doing. Really!

- I see.
- Don't give a shit.

But they destroy your life too
because they want you to keep on.

I know but I do it
because I want to.

I never think about that.
I just want my smoke of crack.

That's it.

And you say that,
except for one guy in Ontario,

you've never been friends
with anybody?

No.

So you think they're just idiots

who imagine
you're going to love them?

Pretty much.

There are tons who say like."
"I love you. I'm in love."

Come on!

You don't think
that they know beforehand

that you won't
fall in love with them?

They know it deep down,

but they tell themselves."
"He loves me. "

He goes: "It's you!
Empty your pockets!"

“Look, I don't feel like it.

"You're not my mother.
Get lost. "

He goes:
"I'm sure it's you!"

I say." "So what?
You got a problem with that?"

He then says:
"I've got you on my list.

"I have your face
printed on my brain."

I go." "Just as well! You'll soon
have my fist printed on your face!"

- You bought a bullet-proof vest?
- Yeah, my father gave it to me.

He said: "You reached an age
when you need one."

But now I'm moving on.
Previously, I was afraid to work.

I'm depressed
and prostitution is. ..

If your working in prostitution
at! the time,

eventually you want to get out.

But I don't want to
get out of it completely.

When I was working,
I still had clients during the week,

and money was coming in
pretty well there.

I had my clients and I had my job.

It was good.

I was watching my money
because I was really working for it.

It's different with a regular job.

When all your money comes
from prostitution,

it's gone right away,

because you want
to have fun with it.

What do you blow your money on?

You 're not someone
who does crack, right

I'm someone who does
some drugs, yeah,

but I spend a lot.

I drink, I go out to bars.

I like gambling
and treating my friends.

You said you like
treating your friends...

I'm also trying
to get off crack a bit.

I still do it, but...

That's how you blow your money?

Yeah, and that's the reason
it isn't good for me.

It's bad for my health.

If I was working,
I wouldn't be doing drugs.

I'd have a drink,
but I wouldn't take drugs.

What I'm planning to do
is go away to San Francisco

and deal with grown men there.

I don't want to do it anymore
with young guys in Los Angeles.

I'm planning to grow a little beard,

get a tattoo and muscle up.

I'll get a little cap.

I'll look great!
I'll! be a star again!

I 'II be Danny Brown again,
but just a bit older.

So I was saying
I wanted to show you something.

I made a compilation of my films,

so when I have clients up,
I get it all ready.

I put it on so they can see that.

I did a scene where
I had lots of pleasure.

It was with
a gorgeous young boy

who looked just like Prince William.

Identical.
He was so gorgeous.

And he had a dick that was
9 or 10 inches long.

- Where was this?
- Los Angeles.

That scene took 45 minutes
to shoot.

Usually it takes
at least four hours.

The producer said:
"Look, I'll give you this boy.

"We have two camera s,
so try to do it fast."

We were in a garage,

and you couldn't do
scenes like that

in the City of Los Angeles.

ll was illegal.
K's probably legal now.

I also have my film
from when I was 16 years old.

There is no sound on it.

It was made on 8mm,

but I figured out
how to get it on a cassette.

Anyway, I have it.

If you want to see it
I can show Mo you.

Did we unplug your television?

Yeah.

In those days,
I was well-bum.

I worked out a lot.

It's too bad.
K should be dearer.

It's too bad.
K should be dearer.

There.

That's you there?

Yeah. Well, there you go.

Doesn't he book like Prince William?

That's one of the first ones
you did out there?

I think it was in the middle.
I was, well, getting popular.

How old were you?

I was 24.
He was 18.

It was his first film

and the first time
he'd ever been with a man.

When he tried to do the other scene
with someone else, he couldn't come.

With me, he did fine.

So, do you want to see
the one from France?

We're going to out it.
Cut out the explicit parts.

I've copied them all.
I put them one after the other.

Because clients like to watch me.

I'm getting sick of seeing them.

When a client says."
"I want to make love with it on!"

I go." "On, no! I'm going to jerk off
while watching myself again!"

I hate having sex
when my own films are on.

- I hate it.
- Like having sex with yourself?

Yeah, and how many times
do you think I've seen it?

Probably 2,000 or 3,000 times.

It gets boring!

But the clients love it.

And if he's impressed,
he thinks:

"Hey I've never made love
with someone who's made a film!"

That pays well, for sure.

That one's called The Runner,

and the other one I made,
that I star in,

is called On Fire.

I play a pyromaniac,
who sets everything on fire.

There I am, on the light.

Everyone was all nervous

because they had to deal
with an American star.

Al! stressed out.

- I've made 150 films.
- That's a lot.

I've made some with women, too.

And I've made some
with transvestites.

I don't discriminate.

There are straight guys
who can't make it with women.

I can. No problem.

I'm comfortable
in from of a camera.

I enjoy it.

A real disco atmosphere!

Those were the good old days,
the best years of my life.

I quit school to go
to the Jardin disco club

and dance all night.

I couldn't do that
when I was living at home.

I wasn't even allowed
to dance with girls.

My grandmother wouldn't let me
go to the hotel.

Everyone else was allowed.

When I first went
to the Montreal gay bars,

I said: "Hey! Wait a minute!

I thought I was going to a bar,
where girls dance with guys.

When I got there,
I couldn't see any girls, just guys.

I leaned against the wall,
and thought."

“Wow, what's all this?

"Shit, I'm leaving school
right away."

December

Did you get
a formal accusation today?

The only thing I'm accused of

is soliciting
for the purposes of prostitution.

And that doesn't constitute
a criminal record?

Right, it's not a criminal record.

At least, I hope not.
I can't afford to have a record.

I'm not a criminal.

No, for sum.

I am not a criminal.

So I get arrested.

There I am, sitting in the park,
and a car stops.

It's really a cop.
I never even talked money with him.

He was propositioning me,

so I would get arrested
for solicitation.

I was completely shocked.

They didn't take me to the station.
They took me down to the old port.

They wanted to make a deal with me.

They said: "You work with us
and we'll drop the charges."

But I refused,
so they got me for that.

I was in a real rage.

I was ready to throw myself
in from of a police car.

I figured he'd run me over
and I'd be dead, end of story.

Do you have clients
who could help you?

Guys with connections?

I don't think
I want to talk about that.

No?

I've had, like, even politicians.

There are elections coming up,

so I don't think
I should talk about it.

The guys who vote
for laws against us

are the ones who come
looking for us at night.

No, but really,
you see what I mean?

Yeah, I see that.

The judges who make the rulings
come to Champlain Street.

I've had judges.

What kind of morality is that?

You use young boys

and then act like a saint
in the daylight.

But at night,
you are the devil incarnate.

It made me stronger, you know.

I feel very strong today.

I guess it was my fate.

I was a bit naive,
so I had to learn the hard way.

It was just for the kick...

to find out if I was capable,

H I could make money
selling my body.

I didn't think guys could do it.

It was the opposite.

It wasn't just possible,
it was easy.

With it being so easy...

it's hard
to go om and work after that.

The money you can get
in a night or a week

'is Pretty good.

Even if sometimes it's pitiful,

the things guys will ask you

to do for 20 bucks or 40 bucks.

It's depressing.

Once I got a woman as a client.

It was...

It was real pleasant.

Move than with a man?

Well, the situation was different.

The woman's husband paid me.

So he was Watching us
the whole time.

It was really something hard,
to be able to get it up

and then to screw her
in front of her husband .

Her husband can tell
how much she's enjoying it.

I kind of freaked out.

And you think."
"Is he going to kill me, or what?"

I know I wouldn't be able
to deal with it.

Wouldn't put up with it.

At one point I got scared.

I saw she was really getting off,

and I thought."
"Maybe I 'd better stop.

"He's going to panic
and jump on me.

"Let's stop it.
I'll get my money and go. "

It lasted a long time, two hours.
I earned my money that time.

When you started using,
what did you take?

Rock?

- Some rock.
- Yeah.

- You didn't shoot? Just smoked?
- Uh...

- Both?
- Yeah, both.

OK, but is there one
that works better for you?

Well, right now I get
more of a bang om of shooting up coke.

How some?

When I see people who smoke rock,
I invite them to smoke with me.

And also not to give in
and buy powder.

First of all, it's more intense.

Second, it's good.

It's really good when you do it,
but afterwards it's so bad.

How long does the buzz last?

- 5 minutes.
- 5 minutes.

When I got out of prison...

I had good strong lungs.
I could take deep breaths.

Now I'm shun of breath,
gasping all the time,

like coke has got me
all messed up, tense.

On coke, I'm tense.

I haven't eaten all day
and I'm all cramped up.

I get tensed up,
and the longer! go without eating,

the more I use
and the more tense I get.

So when you're high,
you'd be sitting there,

with your back like this...

Usually I more pride than that.

But when I'm high on dope
I get like that.

So they removed you
from your home?

A social worker took me away.

How old were you when they took you?

About H or 12.

They said it wasn't the best place
for a child.

You witnessed too much violence.

I saw it.
I got it, too.

I got hit, got some bruises
and that kind of thing.

It wasn't against me.

Wasn't against you but you got hurt anyway?

It was my dad.
He was doing it to himself.

I dunno.
It was his problem.

I don't know.

He probably couldn't cope.

He maybe wasn't ready...

I figured out what was happening.

It wasn't because I deserved it.

Actually he was out of control.
He had a problem with alcohol.

Did you understand then,
or are you just figuring Rom now?

At 13 or 14,
I knew what was going on.

You knew it wasn't your fault.

Yeah, in bed at night,
I wondered about a bi of things.

At one point
I finally figured it out.

Did you have brothers and sisters
at home?

I've got a brother.

How did he handle it?

He can't really remember
it too well.

I was 6 when it was happening.
I remember more.

I think he was 3
and I was 6.

Were you already hyperactive
at the time?

I became super active.

That's pretty normal.

But when I was born,
I was normal.

The doctor told my parents
that I was a healthy little boy

normal and all that.

You saw too much
for someone so young.

I saw too many things
I shouldn't have.

I was traumatized.

Whether you like it or not,
it stays in your head.

But when you grow up,
you have to get rid of that.

You have to move on.

How old ave you?

22 years old.

How long have you been working
in the sex trade?

It's been six years.
- Six years?

Yeah, I started when I was 12,
but really it's been six years.

And when it started,
how did it happen?

It started at a peep show
with my brother.

That's where I got my first client.

It was straight off like that."
first client, first smoke of crack.

Prostitution, yeah, but! started
to use crack again when I was 16.

Not all the time,
just once in a while.

Just for the trip, you know.

But at one point,
you get hooked.

When I got out of the group home,
I started drinking seriously.

Then I was inside until I turned 19.

I got a year,

Then when I got out,
I started prostitution

and using for real.

So now are you using as much'?
Did that change?

It's always the same;
It hasn't changed.

It's been a long time,
I've reached my limit.

That's what I was going to ask.

Do you feel like
it's more under control?

I feel I don' have
any comm! over it

It's all the time.
Always, always, always.

Then at a certain point,
it gets boring.

And how about your health?

Are you looking
after yourself a bit?

Yeah, Christ, I'm healthy.

AK least I've got that.

I may not eat every day
but my health is good.

- Mathieu, do you have the Keys'?
- No.

I had a friend doing it.
I watched what he was doing.

In the end I couldn't sell anything,
because the police knew me too well.

I couldn't do it anymore,
but I wanted to make money.

But a lot of money, fast.
No risk.

I saw him do it and I said:
"Christ, show me how you do it."

He showed me what to do,
and I got in someone's car.

I'm not a fag.
I like women.

But it was a way to make money fast
and get coke fast.

So I kept on doing it.

But it led to crack.

Then I shot up, then crack again.
Since then, it hasn't stopped.

Do you have clients who pay you
in drugs sometimes instead of-

No, never.
I always want money.

Like it or not,

when you've been using
with a client,

when it's over,
there's nothing left.

You're in withdrawal.
You're lit up like a TV.

You have to go out
and you don't have a cent,

and it's late at night
and you can't get any clients.

For me it's automatic
I need money.

I don't want to go out in withdrawal.

Who knows what I'll do?

Hold up someone
or a variety store or something.

I don't want to stoop
to that kind of thing.

Sometimes clients refuse to pay.

Then I have to fight back.

I don't like doing that,

because there's a lot of violence
and assaults on my record.

When you hit them they call the
police and the charges get worse.

I can't afford to get in a fight.

But I have no choice,
because I have to get paid somehow.

If I don't fight,
they don't pay.

So I ended up on my ass.

I was standing on the bed,
he didn't want to pay

and he grabbed me by the leg,

so I fell off.

Then I realized: "Whoa!
I shouldn't be the one falling."

Sol Kicked him in the face,
gave him two smacks and he fell,

and I told him to pay me or else.

He paid me.

My leg still hurts,
and it's been two weeks now.

Usually clients
aren't like people think.

Maybe for girls
it's not the same thing.

They get shun changed
and beaten up and stuff like that.

Gays are pretty clean.
They're not violent.

I've never had any trouble
with anybody so...

It's them who get beaten up?

Some of them do.

I never robbed anyone,

but some people
get off sexually on that.

They like getting slapped around.

You see some weird things.

You're laughing,
but if you saw it,

I tell you,
you wouldn't be laughing.

You said you were 23?

Yeah, I just turned 23 in October,
(he 25th.

And how long have you been
doing sex work?

I started in May 2002.
It'll be four years next May.

I've been doing it
for more than 40 months.

Quite a while.

How did you get started?

Before! did this,
I was into stealing cars.

At the end, I was in a bind,
because I 'd lost my contact.

Someone said." "Go into the Village,
look for so-and-so. "

And I went.

My friend left with someone
to go take pictures.

We were on the street
and needed cash fast.

I was waiting at the comer
of Champlain and Same-Catherine,

and a guy came up to me saying,

"Hi, what are you up to?"
Blah, blah, blah.

He asked me my name
and how old I was.

I was 19, 1 think.

So he says: "If I give you 40 bucks
can I suck you off?"

I was in trouble.

I stole cars and! did two years.

After that, I wasn't interested.

It pays to work the streets, but...

But before you did it,
did you know you could?

- No, no.
- Not at all?

No way.
That's why I was surprised.

"40 bucks? You want to suck me off?
Sure, OK. Go for it. "

How much do you charge?

Average.

It went down in time
because of all the competition.

I'm not 19 anymore.

Most guys get off
on the really young boys,

but people have different tastes.

There's this Marco guy;
he's 42 and he's still there!

When I'm going through withdrawal
and need some coke

and it's cold out,

doing it in somebody's car
for 15 minutes

and getting out with 20 bucks is OK.

It's just a blow job, not anal.

Or somebody gives me 40 or 50 bucks
and drives me back.

When I started, I made $500
a day during the week.

On weekends,
a thousand, two thousand bucks.

There was always lots of Work.
Now it's not the same.

I'll make maybe $500 on the weekend,
and $150, $200 during the day.

Still, it's cash.

Since I've been here, I think
I've made about 400,000 bucks.

And that's all gone into drugs?

Yeah, since June 2003,
it's all gone into drugs.

Every PENNY.

Since I started shooting up,
I keep trying to stop,

even if I tell myself
not to use,

I end up using
every time I have a client.

It's psychological.
Fm not gay,

but I just gave
a 50-year-old guy a blow job.

Maybe he came all over my face,

and I don't want
to think about it, so...

I didn't get into it
because I had problems.

It was just some idea
I got into my head.

- It just took off like that.
- Right.

I'll take that off latex.

At the end there are two doors.
Take the one oh the left.

Some guy saw me on the street
and asked me if! needed to shit.

"Yeah."
"Come over to my place."

"A cross from TVA."

He takes a plate and says:
"Can you shit on this?"

Then he told me I could go.

I'm getting dressed
and I hear the microwave.

It starts smelling like shit.

He ate it off the plate.

I don't even think it's sexual.
I think he's a psychopath, maybe.

It's fucked up!

He paid you to do that?

Oh, yeah!
80 bucks for shitting on a plate

May as Well shit on a plate
instead of in the bowl!

As long as you don't
offer me a bite.

Are there things you refuse to do
with your clients?

The only wing people
have asked me to do and I said no

is going off in my mouth.

It's happened,
but I've never swallowed.

I'd never swallow sperm,

or eat or drink piss
or any bodily fluids.

The worst thing that's happened
is an S&M guy whipped my ass.

My ass was black and blue
afterwards.

It hurt badly and it was degrading.

Are there a lot of guys into S&M?

Enough. Usually it's guys
who want it done to them.

There's one guy
who isn't really into S&M

but he likes
his nipples pinched really hard.

Stupid things like that.

The worst S&M guy I know
is a lawyer! met once.

He's siting on the bed.

I'm on a chair,
but with my boots on.

It was winter.
I was wearing my boots.

I Kept my clothes on.
He was wearing a sweater.

But he was naked
from the waist down.

We're smoking crack
back and forth

We do that for two hours.

All I do is crush his balls
with my boots.

You know, Makes all kinds.

He's a lawyer, a smart guy,
but for him, sex...

People, in general,
really don't get gays.

What's a gay'?
What's it like being gay?

They just get off on men
instead of women.

How is a gay guy different?
It's just sex, that's all.

You've walking down the street,

are you supposed to be able
to tell what his kick is?

You don't freak out.

He gets off on that.
No big deal.

You get off on one thing;
he gets off on something else.

It's just sex.
K doesn't change who they are.

I know some good clients
I can talk to.

Some ave even friends now.

January

January

I met this Black guy from Montréal
in Quebec City.

He was looking for women prostitutes
in Quebec City.

Sol told him where it Was.
Then I asked him:

"Do you know where there's a place
for male prostitutes in Montreal?"

He said yes.

Since 1 did him favour,

the next day he gave me a lift
to Champlain Park,

to show me where it is.

So you left with him the next day?

Yeah.

How did you know ahead of time
you wanted to get into prostitution?

Well, for the money!

How did you Know how much
to charge and all that?

At first I didn't charge much.

But they told me:
"You have to charge more,"

"because you cant
undercut the others.

"It's not fair
that they're all coming to you."

How much were you charging at first?

I was changing $20.

And now?

I charge $40 or $60.

What do you do
for the different prices?

How do you negotiate with clients
about money?

Do you have different prices
for different things you do?

No, sometimes it'll be $40
and other times $60.

If the client offers me $30,
I take it.

You know...

You said that
you worked a lot this summer.

How many clients would you say
you had in a day?

In a day?
At least 30 clients.

- Per day'?
- Per day.

Man, you were working hard!

Yeah.

First day I got here,
I made $600.

But it went fast,
because I was doing ecstasy.

I was doing it when
I was working the streets.

I smoked a lot of pot
when I was working.

Then I'd eat,
buy my smokes and clothes.

You know, I was covering the basics.

When I went home to Quebec City,

I bought an Allo-Stop card,
car-pooled.

Does your mother Know
you do prostitution?

Well, she says I should get out,

find a real job,

because it doesn't pay
all that we...

She says." "You never know
what someone could do to you.

"You could be doing a client
and the guy kills you.

"Rapes you and locks you up
and throws you in the river.

"You never know."

When you walk,
do you think about that?

Yeah, I do.

Like, I was doing stupid things.

You Know, like,
We animal noises in high school.

Like...

Like pig noises
and things like that.

Everyone looks at you
like they're in their last year

and you've just started
high school.

They treat you
like you're in kindergarten,

like you're some stray dog
that's followed them to school.

Are you saying you looked younger
than you were?

Yeah, quite a bk.

And you were making animal noises
to scare them away?

No, to make them laugh.

But they weren't laughing with me;
they were laughing at me.

That's how it was.

What's the connection between that
and prostitution?

Huh?

You were saying that's why
you got involved in the sex trade?

Yeah.

Well, you know, I had
a lot of problems with my parents.

What's that got to do
with prostitution?

- It was to get back at them.
- Really?

To get back at the world
for making me do things,

or to get back at my parents
for what they did to me.

Things that led me to prostitution.

Prostitution was something
I knew I'd end up doing.

Like, in school,
I figured I 'd end up killing myself.

Prostitution was a step
towards suicide,

like getting STDs.

I mean, I wear protection,
so it didn't work out.

I ended up in another jam.

So for you
prostitution is like suicide?

Yeah, like, I wanted to get an STD
and die from it 10 years later.

It looks like
that didn't work out?

No, because I guess
I'm protecting myself.

So you didn't really want
to kill yourself?

- No.
- OK.

You wanted to get back
at people, your pa rents?

Yeah, because of my past.
My mother didn't really love me.

She liked my sister better
and that really hurt me.

Now my step-father is in prison.

So I have too many things
to deal with...

things that ave hard to get oven.

When you're a kid
and your mother doesn't love you,

when she ignores you,
it affects you.

That's why
I wanted to kill myself.

I spent Christmas until New Year's
with my sugar daddy

one of my clients,

and we did 4,000 bucks of powder.

Did you stay at his place
the whole time?

Yeah, that': light.

We didn't do anything.
We've been together for two yea rs.

For the first year,
I acted like I was his boyfriend.

I manipulated him a lime bit.

Then he realized
it wasn't because I loved him,

and now he doesn't care.

We don't even have sex anymore.

I spent a week with him
and I didn't do a thing.

We did 4,000 bucks of powder.

Is that a place you can stay when--

No, no way.
Not anymore.

No, 1 blew it there.

I brought girls back.
I stole some stuff.

So he's not
interested in me anymore.

Eventually clients catch on
that you're shooting up

and they get scared.

I still have some regulars
who don't care.

They see I haven't really changed.

Why are they afraid of that?

HIV. They're afraid
of getting sick.

Understandable.

When Wasn't shooting up,

I had the same prejudices
towards junkies.

They have AIDS,
this and that.

But you said you've managed
to keep yourself safe so far.

With clients, yes.

Lately I've done some stupid stuff
with syringes.

Before I went to get my results,
I was going nuts.

My test results had been
in for a month.

I was scared to go in.
I was sure I had AIDS, but I didn't.

It turned out it was OK.
I didn't have HIV.

I am so glad.
K was a relief.

But 1 still have some doubts,

because even a month ago,
I was stupid about it.

Even last month, I went out
one night at about 4:00 a.m..

Fuck-all was open.
I had some powder but no syringes.

I went over Jacques Cartier Bridge
a few times.

There ave always syringes there.

I grabbed a syringe
and rinsed it out with water.

I burned the needle
with a lighter.

That's not very bright.

I've reached that point.

Bu! when you take a test
and come out clean,

doesn't that encourage you
to be careful?

Sure, sure,
I was happy and everything.

But in the end, I always end up
doing the same damn thing.

Has it been long since you've had
a relationship with a girl?

Since November,
since I went back to my ex,

who is pregnant by me.

I found out last week
it's a boy.

That's great.

She had more ultrasounds
and we're gonna have a boy.

- But you're still seeing her'?
- It's been a week.

- You see her once in a while?
- Yeah, yeah.

She's here in Montréal?

It's been a week since I saw hey.

I think she's in Saint-Jean
at her grandparents'.

- Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu?
- Yeah.

Can I go to the toilet'?
I need to go.

- Yeah, no problem.
- I need to go right away.

You know where it is, eh?

For you,
how do you see prostitution?

You're straight,
and you regularly have sex with men.

Yeah, but I'm just
providing a service.

I don't get turned on.

- Never even'?
- No.

You manage
to provide good service?

Yeah. Oh yeah.

There are customers who want
to see you get hard,

and I can arrange that.

If it is a regular customer,

I'll be sober or high on pot.

That helps.

I watch a skin flick or something.

Some customers need that.

Three-quarters of the sex workers
don't get hard-ans.

Even 90% of them.

When I'm not really stoned

and 1 have a skin flick to watch,

loan manage.

If she's not there, I won't get sex
tonight and I 'II end up broke.

If she's there,
I'll! have fun.

I won't shoot up
and I 'II be very happy.

It's something I've done, yeah.

- For fun.
- For fun.

Do you think that prostitution

is a way of figuring out
your own sexuality?

A way to discover who you are?

Yea h, sure,
if you're trying to find yourself.

If you're trying to figure out
your sexual orientation,

don't go to a fucking sweet comer.

It's not good.
WI! throw you off balance.

But in my case, I think it led me
to think about things.

That's (o; sure.

When you've been doing it
for 60 days,

or one month, six months,
you know,

at one point, like it or not,
you're going to wonder."

"How come I'm still here?"

You ask yourself this.
K's normal.

And whether you like it or not,

after the 18th client, and
you stop feeling like throwing up,

and you start wondering,
you know.

I didn't grow up in a good family.

My mother was a stripper,

so I didn't really have
a great family life.

But you still spent time with hes'?

- No.
- Never?

Well, until 1 was 9.

After that,
I wasn't with her anymore.

I only knew her until then.

In your experiences
with foster care,

were there some good times?

In my opinion?

- Of course, in your opinion.
- None.

You never had
a good experience there.

I did a cooking course there,
but that's it.

Was there any Kind of relationship
during those years?

Anything with
one of your workers or a relative?

I don't let anyone get attached.
I don't get attached to people.

I don't like to feel tied to people.

I don't like getting to know people.

I don't want to start trusting them.
I don't know.

Is it because you're afraid
of losing them?

No, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just a loner.

Do you see yourself staying that way
all your life?

For a while longer yet, for sure.
A good while.

At least another 20 years. Yeah.

You'll be 41.

There was this girl
who was getting paranoid about me.

She had a buzz on or something.

She beat me
with a baseball bat

because she thought I had stolen
140 bucks from her that morning.

But I didn't.

And my three best friends
took her side.

They believed her.

One even hit me with a baseball bat.
One of my best friends.

What can I say'?
That's how it goes.

But nothing was broken?

No.

Did they hit you on the head?

Well, yeah, twice on the head,

on my arms, my shoulder,
my back, my kegs.

How long ago did that happen?

- About a week, two weeks ago.
- Oh yeah?

For the last two weeks,
I haven't done any crack.

You're kidding!

I smoke pot, and that's it.

It's real tough,

because tomorrow one of my friends
who's waking for me

will get
his welfare cheque tomorrow.

It's tough.
We'll fee! like buying crack.

But I don't want to,

because things
are going so well right now.

Now when I'm at Pop 's,
I'm trying to get back on track.

I've stopped spending all my time
sleeping on couches.

I'm looking for a job,
hoping to get an apartment.

I want to spend my first cheque
on something besides getting stoned.

I'm sick of this, cashing my cheque
and heading for my pusher.

I'm fed up.

I'm going to cash my cheque
and run to pay rent now

instead of getting stoned.

I won't even need welfare

'cause I'll find a job
and be, like...

a normal person.

You said you made some
New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, you can say
it's pretty tough

because, you Know, as soon as
you've got a bit of cash,

you go off to get crack.

That makes it hard to quit.

Like, when you have people Knocking
on your door at 4:00 a.m.

and they just use crack
under your nose,

that makes you want
to smoke crack.

This last week,
I spent four days without sleep

because there were tons of people
who came over.

So I always came back with money
to buy stuff then I took off again.

Willy isn't happy with me
this week,

because yesterday I blew it.

I was in the shower doing crack
with someone I didn't know,

and Willy came in.

I spent the night outside
'cause Willy threw me out.

He said I had no right to do
that kind of thing in the bathroom.

I should've been here with him.

So that changes things a bk.

Why were you in the bathroom?
Your friend didn't want to come up?

It was because I didn't want to
do any with Willy.

The guy offered me some and asked
if! knew a place to go.

I said:
I have a place and it's warm."

"Let's go downstairs in the shower,
so my roommate won't see us. "

- So he felt betrayed?
- Yea h.

Last night I had a client, right?

He paid up and everything.

And so...

A client came, and I said."
"Don't open the door to anyone."

Everybody opens the door.

I said." "Don't open the door
I'm with a client."

Whenever we have rock,
I say not to open the door,

because everyone comes over here
to get some.

It's our place
and we don't owe anybody anything.

Sometimes I just want
to be alone with Willy.

I want to smoke crack
just with him.

I like being alone with him.
We talk and it's cool.

When everyone comes to your door

and wants to get crack (mm you...

No, man, do something else
for a change,

Just do what we do.

Yesterday he left.
I kicked him out.

He called the police
and the cops arrived.

I even hit him
because I was really tense.

The policemen were guys I know.

They gave me the same advice
they've been giving me for months,

and they're fight.

What advice?

"Listen, get out of this area.
Get out of Montréal. "

They tell me: "You're not like
the guys around here."

"You've got an education."

They know a lot about me.
They talked to me a long time.

We've talked, you know.

H': a disaster.

A real disaster.

What do you mean a disaster'?

Well, because I never manage to do
what I have in mind.

So I come up with something else.

What do you think about
at times like that?

I can't tell you.

I want to take a trip,
a real long trip.

Because most people say that
to get off crack

they absolutely have to go away.

Yeah, but I want to take
a very long trip.

Because you're feeling desperate?

You don't think you can
get out of it?

Desperate is saying a bit much.

It's more like...

I don't have the energy,
any strength.

The strength to do what?

To, I don't know, to do anything.

I don't have the strength.

Even my brain doesn't Know
how to think anymore.

Is that because of drugs?

It's everything.
Partly because of the drugs.

Some things that happened,
but mostly the drugs.

If anyone could get me
om of here...

But on my own, I don't know.

Are you going to
take care of your child?

'lea h, that's why I'm at Pop's.

It's ridiculous because
it doesn't pay well,

but it gives me back
a bit of self-esteem.

If I can tough out a few months,
I'll be able to give it up.

I could get a real job now,

but the first cheque I'd get
would go right into my vein.

I worked all summer
at Moe's Deli and Bar,

at Sherbrooke and Pie IX.

I was a waiter, and every night
I made 60, 80 bucks.

I finished my shift at 11:00,

at midnight I was shooting up
at my pusher's place,

and at 1 :00,
I was on the street corner,

walking the street still wearing
my Moe's Deli and Bar uniform!

It wasn't great!

I gotta be able to Keep
the drugs and the job under control.

I have to try hard.
It's less risky to work there.

If I miss a day they won't fire me
because they know I have a problem.

Other places, they say:
"You're a junkie? Screw off."

Yeah, for sure.

So things are going better'?

Yeah, yeah.

My arms aren't too bad,
but it shows under the light.

It's been four days.
Fm working out.

Check this out.
Good arms for a junkie, eh?

I'm not skinny.
Pm pretty well-bum.

I book after myself.

In this business,
if you're a mess

you make less money.

Sometimes they'll pick up guys
who are a mess too.

Once I was getting out of
the hospital,

I'd just signed
a refusal of treatment

and I got out
because I wanted to get high.

So I ended up back here.

I lost my socks in the hospital

so I had little, blue hospital socks
sticking out of my shoes.

Yeah, there are some guys
who are screwed up.

For girls, it's a lot worse.

I've seen them leave with electrodes
still on their arms

or stinking out of their bra.

They get into a guy's car
and there's blood everywhere.

People are fucked up .
The 21st century is fucked up.

When we were talking last time,
you were inside for a while.

- Yeah.
- How long were you in for'?

- Seven months.
- Seven months?

When you got out,
I bet you wanted some?

Yeah, it was right away that time.

- Yeah.
-Yeah.

Was that the first time
you were in for that Bong?

Format long, yeah.

Before, it was like two Weeks,
a month.

It was because of-

What was it'?
That thing about the assault.

Robbery with firearms
causing bodily harm.

And when you get out of jail,

are you dying to do drugs
as soon as you can?

You want to, because you can't
when you're inside.

It's really expensive.

So you really want it,
when you come out.

At least four or five grams a day,
for sure.

Four to five grams a day
every day?

Well, e very day
until I get fed up.

I take a break
when I amino messed up.

You Know,
when you can't even stand up.

Do you carry on until
you're too messed up?

Often, yeah.

But I mean, you'll get too worn out,
week after week like that.

Yeah, I get some rest.
I stop for a few days.

Then I get going again
when I'm in better shape.

Idem know my own strength.

Last time I got into a fight,

I Knocked him out
and he ended up in the hospital.

I could have killed him, you know?

That wasn't yesterday?

No, that's why I ended up in jail.

OK.

So I'm Kind of afraid of myself,
you know?

- OK, I hear you.
-Yeah.

I know this sounds
like basic psychology,

but when you were little,
did you get beaten up?

Yeah, by my father.
My father beat me.

I kept all that stuff inside

and when I get into a fight,
Rail comes out.

You said it was
your birthday yesterday?

Yea h, yesterday was my birthday.

You've how old?

I turned W.

Did you celebrate?

No, not really.
Fm going to celebrate Wednesday.

Tomorrow.

What ave you going to do?

I'm going to, well, do some crack.

And I don't know what else.
Take it easy.

I dunno.

Do you have a piece to stay?

Well, I go to the shelter.
I had a place but I screwed it up.

I ended up on the streets
because of my mistake.

How did you screw it up?

I stole some money from my brother
because I had a relapse.

I didn't mean to,
but I wasn't thinking.

So I did the wrong thing
and that's what happened.

He kicked you out?

Well, he didn't really
throw me out.

He didn't know at first
that I was gone.

And afterwards,
I didn't cal! him back.

You just Jeff and didn't come back.

Yeah, he found out,
but Fm taking my time.

I made a mistake,
and Fm going to make it up to him.

We all make mistakes.

My first client gave me 15 bucks.

I didn't even know what a rock was.

He conned me real bad.

Sometimes I see him here,
but he doesn't remember me.

I remember him, though.

So that's what it was like
the first few times.

[was a bit shy but...

Once, when I was 11,
I was abused.

But it wasn't really abuse.
K was...

What we s it?

The guy took advantage of me,
without me knowing it.

- He used me.
- That's abuse, man!

Abuse, but not violent abuse.
I had a good relationship with him.

But with time, I realized
that it wasn't really right.

Abuse ism just getting beat up.

- No, no.
- There's also psychological abuse.

Yeah, sexual
and psychological too.

I was doing something,
but I thought it was OK.

[was 11 years old,
and he kept building up my trust.

I never felt uncomfortable with him.
I always felt good.

But after a while,
my mother asked what was going on.

She had seen what was going on.

I went into foster care,
then into a group home.

Because of that?

Not because of that.
Because I was stealing cars.

I got caught
because I got into an accident.

- When you were 11'?
-Yeah, I was stealing cars.

My father stole cars
and he showed me how.

I used to play around in the car.
I drove around.

Eleven years old.

I Knew how to drive.
I still know how to drive.

I got into an accident
with a Tempo.

I had stolen it.
It's not much of a car but-

- Did you steal it by yourself?
- Yeah.

The gin left her Keys
in the other car.

I got in and took her keys.

So afterwards
I went into a group home

and I had a social worker

and I ran away all the time
to go back to my parents'.

Finally my mom put me
in the Cité des Prairies

and I did six years there,
from 12 to 17.

Have you ever had a sugar daddy?

No, I've never been interested.

No shylock, no sugar.

All the shit that goes with it
doesn't interest me.

I don't want to be with some guy
who bothers me every morning.

Who comes and asks me
to give him a kiss.

Screw your kisses.

I do what I want.

I like drugs.

I don't like sex.
I don't know why I don't like it.

Maybe because of what happened
when I was 11.

It's like a Kind of block.
Bu! it's just as we...

Did the abuse last long?

No, a year.

It stopped.

How old was the guy?

He was 25.

It could have been worse.

And did he get caught?

Yeah, 1 told on him.

Oh, he got caught because--

I eventually told on him,
because I could see it wasn't safe.

He said he'd Kill my mother
if! said anything.

I finally told on him.

Did he get arrested?

Yeah.

I saw him at St. Luc Hospital
about a year ago.

I looked at him sideways, shit!
I don't know if he recognized me.

He didn't say anything.

All those morons do it

to people who can't
defend themselves.

But that Kind of thing
doesn't happen anymore.

Did he go to prison for that?

Him? Yeah, he did.

I don't Know for how long,
but I know he did.

It's eves'?

Bye!
See you soon.

Thanks.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Bye .

February

February

I decided to stop
taking shit from people.

I show them that I'm no asshole
and that they cant mess with me.

I got some gloves,

because I started beating up
the people who owe me money.

I got gloves because
you never know what could happen.

I don't want to get AIDS
after punching someone's mouth.

- Want a smoke?
- Yes, please.

So I got the gloves.

You know, one of the guys has AIDS.

- Waiter!
- Keep it.

So is that all sorted out?

Yes, it is.

Because last time you came,
it had just happened.

I saw her two weeks ago
at Papineau metro station.

- She was your friend.
- She's my ex.

She invited me to Hotel Dorian

to smoke a joint
and talk things over.

So we talked.

While we watched the hockey game,
I was in bed screwing her.

Great talk, eh?

She beat me with a bat
and I can still have sex with her.

It doesn't add up!

I totally lost it,

thinking about how she beat me
and I could still screw her.

Ouch! And there's a score.
"Yes, yes, yes!"

I'm screwing her
and she beat me up.

Yes! The Canadians!
Anyway, it's mixed up in my head.

It must be.

I was watching hockey, screwing her
and thinking at the same time.

- What was her explanation?
- I never found out.

You never found out?

No, she's paranoid.

She was paranoid
and thought it was me.

She said: "You're one of the few
who never used me,

"who never stole from me,
who never did anything to me.

"With all the people around me
who steal from me,

"lie to me
and screw me behind my back,

"someone must have made it up."

She thought it was me
who started it all.

Well, I admit I started
somethings like that.

I'm not a moron.

I'm pretty smart,

and when I want something,
I can figure out how to get it.

Isn't it dangerous
to beat someone with a bat?

What it she hit you on the head?

She got my head a few times.
It was swollen and bruised here.

She could have killed you.

I know,
but I'm built pretty tough.

- Yeah, but in the wrong place...
- Yeah, I know.

Have you ever been in detox therapy?

- Yes, I was at the Envolée.
- The what?

- The Envolée.
- The Envolée.

But I didn't like it there.
I quit after three weeks.

Right, you said you didn't like
that kind of thing.

No, 1 can't handle it.

Why don't you like it?

Talking about my feelings.
I can't handle that.

It bothers you to talk about them?

A b“.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I don't have a girlfriend anymore.

Yeah, but girlfriends come and go.

When you're on the street,

do you find it harder
to have a girlfriend?

It's hard.

I was with the same one
for two years.

- The girl who was here?
- Yeah.

It was pretty lough.

The last year was rough.

Because of what happened?

No.

Rough in general.

Drugs and love don't go together.

You'll be here
for a couple more months?

Easily.
Well, at least this month.

That's (o; sure.

Cool.

So I wanton a binge on Tuesday,
when I got my cheque.

I spent all my money.
I gave it away to Pierre Jean Jacques.

I didn't even see the money.

You blew your whole cheque?

I gave money to everyone in sight.

- How come?
- Because I wanted drugs and beer.

What gets on my nerves

is how Paul always wants
to siphon it out of me.

I spend it before
someone comes looking for it.

But next month,

I want to work, find a job,

but it just isn't worth it.

I make a lot more
doing prostitution.

You Know, I work hard for 20 bucks
for eight hours.

It's as if it was my own business.

I do everything and then
I'm paid $ 1.75 under the table.

It just ism worth it.

I don't think it's related.

It bugs me.
I was so depressed this week.

When I wen! on my binge,
I drank Your cases 0112,

one after the other.

BY Yourself?

By myself,
in my We corner.

- Four cases of 12.
- It's driving me crazy.

When I went to court,
I didn't realized what would happen

and I was pretty desperate.

I was getting suicidal,
you have no idea.

I'm trying to move on,
but I can't do anything right.

I am stuck.
It's not fun anymore.

The job is really depressing too.

I was trying real hard to Keep it,
but Fm worthless,

I can't even keep a job.

I may as Well go back
to the sex trade.

I've still got my regulars.

I now have a real sicko.

It's OK, because! need money
and he pays me 250 bucks.

But he's a little bizarre.

He wants to stick things
into my penis and tie me up.

And he calls me on the phone
and uses up my whole phone card.

I figure he's jerking off.

He stutters when he talks,
like a real pervert.

So I did him once
and he paid me real good.

And he wants me to go and meet him
in the metro, you know,

like show it in the mama.

It's stupid.
But he pays well, you know.

He wants you to show yourself
in from of everyone?

Not in front of everyone;
in from of him in a public place.

He Ides all Kinds of wings
like that.

He's bizarre.

And he likes shaving my pubic hair
and my underarms.

I let him do it, as long as
he gives me a bunch of twenties.

But he might be dangerous.
You can't tell with perverts.

Paul is afraid of that.

He tells me he's called,

and I go." "Oh, my sicko."

Paul goes all nuts and says."
"You 'll get yourself killed."

He really doesn't like it.

How old is this guy?

Oh, Yd say he's about 50 years old.

He's married.

He calls from different places,
and I check everything out.

I write down the numbers.

He usually calls from a pay phone,
but sometimes from work.

My first day at the variety store,
he called me there.

He wanted to see me.

I thought.' "Shit, 250 bucks
when I work for$1.75 an hour."

You Know, I can make
two weeks' pay in two hours.

Do you blow
all your welfare cheques?

Yeah, in three hours,
it's allover.

600 bucks in three hours.
Into the machines and my arms.

Cam the others at Pop's
help you with that?

Yeah, they have a program.
I can leave my cheque with them.

I have to go over and take my money
and leave it there.

- You have to do it yourself.
- Right.

Is there a place you can
put your money?

Yea h, but I've never done it.

Because W! leave 200 bucks there
and I blow the other 4-00 bucks,

then! have no cash.

I'll go back
and bang on the window.

The person in charge isn't there.

I'll explode
and maybe beat someone up there.

So it's better
if! have a bit of a float.

It's nobody's fault.

It happens.

When there's a client
who's ready to pay 30, 40 bucks...

If they have a big dick,

I say, "Screw off,"
because I don't want it to hurt.

If it's a little one...

When others say
they never do that...

K's bullshit.

OK, that's how it is.

Some will do it (o; 20 bucks.

When they're dying for some dope
and the guy says WI! be quick,

the others will go for sure.

Nobody Wants anyone to Know
he'll do that for 15 bucks.

"I've got 5 bucks, so... "

I had 2 bucks and the guy says."
"I don't have $20. "

"Do you have, like, 18 bucks?"
"Yeah, I have $ 10 and some change."

He had $ 18.
So I did it and it was quick,

in a car at the back of a park.

If you're going to
suck someone off for $20,

you may as well make money fast.

It's disgusting.
It makes me sick.

- It's better than robbing a bank.
- That's for sure.

I'd rather go and rob a bank,

but I think of
what could happen after.

I don't want to do time
for something stupid.

Mars

I've been a mess for five days.

- Not thinking straight?
- Yeah, I'm wasted.

Seriously, it's bad.
5,000 bucks in five days.

Your name and signature.

And the date, March 2nd.

I got out on the 23rd
and went back in on the 24th.

Went back in again?

For prostitution.

I got arrested.

I saw the car stop
and I thought:

"I've seen him before.
It's all right. "

I got in and thought."
"Christ!"

You thought it was a regular'?

It was the one who arrested me
a year ago.

He says: "Why are you looking
at me like that?"

"I recognize you."
He said: "I don't know you."

"Dani worry, you'll take me
to Amherst and Viger.

"Two cars will park behind you.

"The morality squad
will pick me up.

"But that won't work this time,
because I'm taking off, my friend."

- And'?
- They caught me.

Really?

She was this big, the police.

My arms still hurt.

She {an after you? Yeah?

And she caught me.

She threw me on the ground,
hands in the gravel.

- You're Kidding.
- I was going nuts.

Was she hiding
behind the morality squad car'?

No, when she came, she opened
the door of the car to put me in.

She came and grabbed me here.

I got into the back
and took off running.

She {an after me.

The other chased me too,
but she caught me.

The other guy had a big belly.

Had to take a break every two--

It was only (o; prostitution?

- Here.
-Thank you.

I think he's coming back.
I think it's Bruno

I think Bruno is coming back.
I just heard the door.

I've been out for three months.

Usually it only takes a month
and Pm back in again.

You won't be going back?

Oh, I'll go back inside.
At some point, for sure.

Why do you think that?
Because that's how it always is?

No, because I got caught
in the metro lately.

I was up for five days.

I was going somewhere to eat,
so I got on the metro.

I was awake for five days.

I don't Know
how I managed to do it,

but I ended up in a corner
at the other end of the metro line.

The security woke me up
and I grappled with them.

They found a knife on me.
A huge hunting knife.

They asked me what
I was doing with it.

I said:
"What do you think Pm doing?"

Anyway, I tried to get away
and they caught me.

They threw me on the ground
and put handcuffs on me.

They took me into a mom

and left me there for nearly an hour
until the police arrived.

So the police escorted me out.
I went up the stairs.

I said: "Where the hell are we?"
She said: "Angrignon Station."

I don't even remember
how I got there.

I was supposed to get off
at Bonaventure,

but I ended up at the other end
of the line, lying in a corner.

You must have fallen asleep.

1 was burnt out, shit.

I can't remember getting off
the metro car and lying down.

- You Weren't on the metro'?
- I was in the station.

I got off the metro
and went to sleep in a comer.

I don't remember anything about it.
Not a thing.

When I saw it was Angrignon,
I was, like." "Whoa!"

I started crying.

You look older.

Is that so?

More mature as well?

Yeah.

I got hurt today.
Here.

Right here.
It's all swollen.

What happened?

I got into a fight today.

You got into a fight?

Touch my nose.

Does it hurt?

Yes, it's broken.

- Did you get--
- I was beaten up.

There's a friend of Willy's
who owed him money.

- Owed Willy'?
- Yeah, Willy.

He owed Willy 150 bucks.

I went up to the guy
and said:

"Watch it;
Willy is around the park tonight.

"He's looking for you
because he has a meeting."

Anthony --
his name is Anthony --

he said he had to go to Pop's
at noon to give him the money

and he didn't come.

So I saw Willy and he told me."

"If you see Anthony, tell him
I'm around and I want my money."

I saw Anthony and said:
"Don't forget you owe Willy money."

He starts his little sob story
and then he went to the bar.

He came back with another guy

and started to beat me up
at Champlain and Sainte-Cat.

There were people all around,

the kind who see you break your jaw
or get killed and don't care.

I'm getting beat up and not a single
Good Samaritan around

On top of it,
you told him to help him.

I told him that because
I didn't want Willy to bust his jaw.

I said." "Go on, man.
Willy's around, so get lost."

I'm trying to explain it,
and they just keep on going.

It still hurts right here.
They hit me in the ribs.

I also feel sick to my stomach.

I don't Know
if I broke something else.

And they broke my nose,
Fm sure of that.

The other got me on
the back of my head,

and I banged my nose on a wall.

I check my nose and he threw
another punch right at my nose,

and there was blood
all over the place.

There's still a big pool of blood
on the ground over there.

You're going to have it
checked out tomorrow, right?

- Just hurts when I do this.
- It feels tight?

Yeah, right here.
I have two stitches there.

- Really?
- You can see it there.

I'm starting to get worn out.

I caught Marc-André, man.
I grabbed him on the comer.

- What for?
- Because he was bugging me.

"I'm supposed to bust your face. "
"Go ahead!"

He punched me in the gut.

I said." "Big guy, you're going to
have to do better than that."

I cracked his head on the wall.

You know, the wall at Champlain
and Sainte-Cat, it's made of metal.

I punched him and he bounced back.

Another punch and "ting,"
he bounced back.

Then Stéphane punched him
in the nose.

Then I said."
"Give Willy a message...

"I'm here if he wants to find me. "

You didn't go back
to your job at Pop's?

I didn't go back there either.

Some friends said:
"Go see them.

"They think you're dead
or something."

No, I'm too ashamed.

It's a personal failure and
it doesn't fit with the big picture.

I don't owe them anything.
They don't owe me anything.

I took that job as a personal goal.

To see HI could tough out
a real job.

If not, I'd be in deep shit.

I couldn't,
so I'm in deep shit.

To get off dope,
I have to keep busy.

I! has to be a job
60,70 hours a week.

I have to occupy all my time.

As soon as I have 3-4 hours
ahead of me with nothing to do...

Do you still have a lot of clients'?
What do you do for money?

I've still got piles of clients.
Saturday I was there.

I went in the afternoon
for two, three hours,

and I left Sunday night, yesterday.

Really?

Had a nice go at it.

My third big bender
since I got back.

I didn't sleep.

Were you with a client
who did drugs with you?

- Several.
- Really? Several?

Bang, bang, bang, bang...

Everyone wanted to get high
with you.

No, they gave me cash,
I got my dope and went back.

I think! did four clients
at $40 and two at $80

and a dozen a! $20.

$20 clients, it doesn't pay well.

It's sickening, but it's over fast.

For 20 bucks, you only have to
tough Rout 10 minutes.

So 10 clients at $20 makes $200.

Four chants a! $40 makes $160.
That's $360.

Plus one or two clients at $80,
that's more than 500 bucks.

A nice little go.
I did 30 hours non-stop.

Yeah, not too bad.

Aw, I lost weight.
Too much weight.

People say that the only way to quit
is to have a major accident.

Someone dies next to you
or you nearly die yourself.

Of you OD.

But that wouldn't happen
because you've got control.

Yeah, but it could still happen.

When I'm too stoned,
I don't watch what Fm doing.

I'm actually--
what's the word-- compulsive.

But I never OD.
I don't know why but I haven't.

- Maybe you have a kind of instinct?
- Maybe.

But maybe I need to OD,
to finally wake up.

A light will turn on.
I'll! go: "Wow, I almost died there.

"I gotta stop.
I don't want to die."

April

April

You've only done crack four times
in the Ia st few weeks?

Yeah.

Are you afraid of
falling back into it?

It's scary,
like a kind of a white wall.

And the wall turns black afterwards,
like death and everything.

And you see death's face
when you're doing crack.

- Really'?
- That's what I see, anyway.

First time I did crack...

I was 17 when I slept at En Marge
for the first time.

- Where?
- En Marge.

And I dreamed
that I was doing crack,

and then I woke up, wide awake,
but I had the flu.

It gave me the flu, that dream.

So new when 1 do it,

well, I see a white wall,

and then it turns into a black wall.

When's that,
the white and black wall?

When I sleep,
I dream of a black wall.

A White Wall
is when I don't use.

When I do drugs,
it's a black wall.

It means death.

Really?

This will sound hokey...

I never saw Jesus in my life,
but I dream of Him.

- You dream of Jesus'?
- Yeah.

It's pretty ridiculous.

No, it's not.

I've dreamed of His birth and death.

How does he appear in your dreams?

I really see His face.

What's His face like?

Like the face of Christ
in a church.

And you dreamed of Christ
being born?

Yeah, and I have no idea
what it means.

When did you dream that'?
When you were a kid?

I dream it almost every night.

Really?

I dream it
almost every single night.

I don't Know what it means,
but it scares me.

Why?

The idea of dreaming of Jesus
and not knowing what it means.

You don't know what': coming.

It might mean
that your own death's coming.

You just don't know.

But you could also say, Marv-André,
that it's a positive image.

You see what I mean?

That it's me, myself.

A positive image of yourself.

Like I'm a Jesus?

A son of Jesus, yes.

You ever dream of that?

Yes, it's happened.

And when it happened, were you-

I'm always afraid.
Fm scared of death.

You talk a lot about death.

When you first came here you said--
I don't know if you remember--

I asked why you got
into prostitution.

You said:
"I wanted to catch AIDS and we."

No, but death scares me.

But it also fascinates you?

No, not at all.

I'm scared. Stop talking about that.
Fm getting scared.

I'm scared of the black Wall.
That's what the black wall is.

The black wall is death.

- In dreams'?
-Yeah.

You only see it in dreams.

And I dream sometimes
that I'm in a coffin.

- That what?
- That I'm in a coffin.

Locked in?

Yes, and when you dream that
you have to wake up right away,

because it means
that death is realty on its way.

Does this happen when you're high
or on a regular night?

No, no.
On regular nights.

- OK, a normal dream.
- Yeah.

How are things at home?

Fine, except that

the bunch of crackheads
are being paranoid.

Do you think they got you
thinking about death?

Maybe, yeah.

Especially with a Black guy
in from of me.

What do you mean?

Willy's Black.

- So?
- It's a black wall.

But not because he's Black.
Because of what he does.

Yeah, he scares me.

He could be White
and it would be the same.

Huh?

He could be White
and still be a black wall.

- No'?
- Yes.

His actions are black.

Sometimes it scares me,
being with him.

I don't know if he'll kill someone,
but I can feel it coming.

He's starting to get aggressive.

Is it because of him
you're thinking of death a lot?

Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I have to get away from there.

Today it's like a rebirth.

Even if it was only 10 minutes ago,
I did it.

It's just that I'm worn out.
That's why Fm like this.

But not because I'm stoned.

I've only slept seven hours
in 10 days.

Without dope,
if I was at my place,

it would take
no more than 10 minutes

and I'd sleep until tomorrow.

You haven'! slept for 10 days,
because of the $100,000?

Crack.

It's crack.

Have you got in touch
with your family yet?

I'm still too ashamed.

You're ashamed?

I'll get there.
First I have to look after myself.

No contact at all since this winter'?

Since death has been ignoring me,
I'll! have to live.

This is the third time, 1 think.

But last time was son of special
because it was mysterious.

What I saw--

Anyway, I don't want to
talk about it.

And that thing...

No, I don't want to
look like an Idiot.

You're afraid of looking
like an idiot?

Yeah, but it's true, all the same.
K's real.

Why are you afraid of...

Because people won't believe me,
that's all.

Your imagination
is doing what it wants.

It's not imagination.

It's something real
that I saw

on my road to death,
because I was on my way.

But your experience is legitimate,
whatever I: is.

You think it doesn't make sense,
is that it?

I think it does make sense,
actually.

There were things
that I didn't believe, but still...

I feel protected.

It hurts.

It sounds stupid, it's funny,
but one of my balls hurts.

A ball as big as this.

ll hurts like hell.

- What happened?
- Nothing at all, man!

I'm gonna take this off.
It's annoying me.

It's funny.
I'm out of jail again.

Hey, man, I was in prison
twice in three weeks.

Holy shit.

What was it this last time?

Violating parole conditions.
Shithead morons.

What conditions?

Restricted area . Curfew.

Prohibited from carrying a weapon.

So, you were back in there.
You're not feeling good, eh?

Yeah, I have a stomachache.
But it's all right.

Of course your stomach hurts.

So you were in, you got out,
and you were pm back in?

Yes, I went back in on a Sunday--
On a Friday night.

I got out the next Friday
and I spent the weekend outside.

I got arrested again on Sunday.
Screw it!

Why on Sunday?

And I got out Thursday.

Did they arrest you again
for the same thing?

Violating your conditions again?

- Restricted area.
- Twice for the same thing.

I go! less time
the second time, Christ.

What did they say'?
That they had to take you in again?

Right, they took me in again.

I almost had to go back
the other day.

What do you do
when you're in there?

It's tough, man.

I call my shylock
to send me some money.

What does he do?

He sends me money
so I can smoke pot.

No choice.

What's happened
in the last month and a half?

Yeah, lots of things happened.

I can't remember everything
because of my head.

What happened?

I got hit on the head
with a metal bar.

- Was that a while ago?
- No, last week.

I've had a lot of memory lapses
since then.

Who hit you on the head?

The dealers at Berri.
They jumped me.

Did they crack your skull?

You bet they did.

In one spot?

In one place.
I have a dozen stitches in the back.

Did you have a concussion?

Yeah.

I went back to the hospital
because I still had a concussion.

I still do.
I still have dizzy spells.

It's better today.

Yesterday I was sick and vomiting.

You're sick to your stomach?

Yeah.

My face is all numb.
It's no fun.

Why did they do it'?
What happened?

Because they thought
I was dealing there.

And it's true.

I was selling pot
and I had no right to do that.

So the whole gang jumped me.
No warning or anything.

They jumped me
and started clubbing me.

The gang that usually works there?

There were four of them.

- With a metal bar.
- Yeah.

- In broad daylight?
- Yeah.

And nobody med to stop them?

No.

- Sad, isn't it'?
- No policemen?

The police brought me
to the hospital.

I was in a coma
for a few hours.

- Really'?
- I woke up in the hospital.

You were in a coma.

That's fight.

I haven't had many clients lately.

Why were you dealing there
if you knew?

I wanted to make some money
and get high.

I we med to get stoned

because I don't want to do
anymore clients, because Pm fed up.

I can't handle it anymore.
Fm disgusted.

I disgust myself.

- You're sick doing it.
- Sick of the whole shit.

loam go on anymore.

The only client I do is my shylock,

my sugar daddy
that I do once in a while.

I don' even do much with him
these days.

I had stopped using
for a month and a half,

thanks to Anthony.

I had quit everything except pot.

Really?

And overnight I just started again.

Why?

Because I had a fight
with my girlfriend.

I didn't want to get high.

I had 45 bucks in my pocket
when I M here.

I made it almost to Berri
to buy some pot,

but I didn't make it.

I was sick.
I vomited.

I was sick as a dog, crying,
on the ground,

bent over with pain.

- How come?
- Withdrawal.

I needed my fix.

- You couldn't make it to Berri?
- Right, that's it.

- You were going through withdrawal.
- I was in withdrawal.

I had been fighting
with my girlfriend.

I told her."
"No, don't get high."

But she went to get stoned.

When that happens
and I have money in my pocket,

I get high-

When I fight with her,
she goes her way and I go mine,

and I get stoned.

I do some clients
and she does some too.

But we fight like 10 times a day.

Five minutes later
we 're in love again.

So where is she now?

Actually, she's with a client.

I let her go.

I'm sick of it.

I tell her I'm sick of her
doing clients.

I'm sick of doing clients.

But she says."
"What will we live on?

"How will we get high?"

There are other things we can do,
panhandling, squeegee, whatever.

But she can't panhandle.
So that's her choice.

You can tell Anthony
that you M'! your money here.

Oh yeah.
Can I have a cigarette?

Sure.

Anthony?

Serious'? GUYS-

Seriously it'd be fun.
We can always try.

Oh, that feels good.

I came all over your sweater.

That's OK.

Yeah, I've decided
to leave my money here.

Perfect. Doesn't matter.
Let's sleep.

I decided just now.

When's my next meeting?
Can I use a telephone, please?

He has to be there.
OK, thanks. Bye.

Hey big guy, he's there now
at Wolf and Sainte-Cat.

Stop, man.

OK, I'm going now.

Thank you very much.

Can I have a cigarette?

My hands are sticky from my orange.

Wolf and Sainte-Cat, big guy.
He's over there right now.

May

May

Clients want muscles.
They don't give a damn about faces.

It's my body they want,
not my face.

They don't give a damn.

Also they go for the colour
of my skin.

But I presume there's something else
they're interested in too.

- Your sweet little heart'?
- No, my third arm.

That's why they rip my zipper, shit!

There's Lucifer,
Beelzebub and another one.

- Willy'?
- Yeah.

The devil's always around.
He's stuck inside you.

As soon as you want to do
something good, he shows up.

I'm not hooked on drugs

because I can go for days
without getting stoned.

No, really it's true.

You can give me that look,
but it's true.

If I don't do it,
it's not a tragedy.

I get stoned to console myself.

You've sure?

Because it hides reality
from me for-

How should I put it?

For a brief time.

So that means you're not hooked?

No, I don't think I'm hooked.

I don't do drugs out of...
I want to say "necessity."

But I take drugs to-

Actually I do it for consolation.

Everything I was planning
to do today, I didn't do.

Yesterday, I was all enthusiastic.
I was really baking forward to it.

And then someone came and rang
the doorbell at 8:00 in the morning

with some stuff.

And when it's in your face,
you can'! say no.

Then I was off.

I have a friend in detox.
He got om today.

He was in these two months, 1 think.

He got out today
and he was using already.

That kind of thing depresses me.

I know what you mean.

But deep down,
I know I can get out of this.

Is she going to tell you
when she gives birth?

I hope so.
That's what Pm wondering.

Of course.

That's why I said
Fm getting more and more nervous.

It's stressing me out a bk.

I don't know what': going to happen,

what she's going to do.

She's told me a lot of times

that she wants lo write
"lather unknown", blah, blah, blah.

Why do you think she said that?

To be her usual, bitchy self.

She's pretty screwed up right now.
Real moody.

Up and down.

And she's getting violent too.

She likes to give me ultimatums.
That kind of thing makes me sick.

I don't know if she'll make good
on her threats or what.

Apparently if they put
"father unknown",

their welfare cheque is higher,
they get more.

So...

It depends on
what her life is like.

That's :1'.
If she continues this way,

WM be welfare and no job.

All she does is smoke pot
all day long.

If I went to court,

told them I had an apartment
and a steady job,

I think I'd look like
the responsible one in court.

And the judge might give me
sole custody of my mile girl.

Children's Services has
her first little girl.

Did they come and take hes'?

Yeah, she was using.

Was she doing prostitution too?

Yes, she was doing drugs,

smoking crack,
shooting up and everything.

They came and got hey.

I'm not sure, but I think the baby
was under a year old.

She was maybe 10, H months.

So that's something
that could play in my favour

if I went to court.

I could use Res an example.

Anyway, I hope
it won't come to that,

I hope things will work out
between us.

But let me tell you,
she can sure be a birch sometimes.

That's why I'm going over and over
kin my head, you know.

There's lots happening
at the same time.

And I was in detox for 10 days.

whereabouts?

At Un Foyer Pour Tor' in Terrebonne.

It was 10 days, and I got out.

I came back to Montréal on the first
to get my cheque.

I managed to tough it out
maybe four hours

without doing any powder.

I bought myself a couple of things.

Then! went to Pub Jacques Cartier
at Papineau and Ontario,

and I had a little relapse.

I bought a quarter upstairs
at the Jolicoeur.

I did it outside.

I went into a bar
and I pm 20 bucks in the machines.

The bells were ringing like crazy.
650 bucks.

So I was walking around
with 1,100 bucks in my pockets.

I bought a whole bunch of things:
a cellphone for $200,

a big silver bracelet,
a big silver necklace.

I mean, really big,
the kind dope dealers have.

And at the end of the night
when I'd spent at! my cash,

I sold my cell phone for peanuts

and my bracelet and necklace
for next to nothing.

It 's a shitty way to live,
but I can't hold onto anything.

- Date'? Should I write the mini, second?
- The second.

Hey, it's my birthday
next month!

- When?
- The 13th.

Oh yeah? Cool.
Thanks.

I'll! be 23.

23 years old
and Pm missing teeth.

I'm pretty impulsive, I 'd say.

You've not scared of anything.

I'm not scared of much,
except myself.

- Yourself?
- Yea h.

You're not scared enough.

I'm afraid of what I might do,
because I'm not...

Like you said, I'm not scared
enough, not careful enough.

You know, when something happens,

I'm afraid I'll hurt someone,
even kill them.

I've felt like
I'm capable of doing that.

It's gotten to that point.

Not that Yd want to.

I don't want to end up
killing someone.

That guy I almost killed,

I broke up my crack pipe
on the ground,

and then started hitting him.

He ended up in the hospital and all.

Did you get arrested?

No, fortunately the guy
didn't lay charges.

I was real lucky.

Yeah, you would have
ended up inside.

Yeah, 1 would have been taken in.

But that guy I saw him again,
I talked to him and apologized.

Did he accept your apology?

Yeah, he did.
He understands.

He knows me real well.
He knows it wasn't like me.

Hold him,
"Christ, we're friends.

"Smoking friends.
You know me."

I didn't mean to do that
to someone like him,

but he stuck his nose
into my business,

and when someone does that...

Well, you'd better not do that.
Whatever.

Will this be open back here?

Listen, no one can see you.

Hey, no one will recognize you
from your back.

OK.

No, seriously.

No one can recognize you
from your back.

The light...

Don't worry about it.

You could go to Emergency too.

Yeah, I Know I could,
but I have to see a doctor anyway.

There's a medical report
to fill om for my foot and this,

so we'll all go at the same time.

But with this you I have to go
as soon as possible.

Yes, of course.

- So...
- Have you had it for a long time?

No, just... Let's see.
Since Friday, so three days.

- Is it getting better or worse?
- No, it's gotten worse.

You 'd better go in, for sure.

What are you doing for a place
to stay?

For w hat?

Where are you living?

I don't have a place to live,
so I stay at...

Shaken.

Shaken.

June

Cameras...

Oh, something's fallen here.
I don't know...

Want a cigarette?

No, I need to go to the bathroom.

Please.

It's down there.

I'm sorry.

You've never seen me like this,
you know?

But I got the day wrong.

I'm telling you,
Pm losing my memory.

Everyone that comes here...
Anyway, the bathrooms are there.

Yeah, but I've been here often,
and I was...

You're not the only one.
Everyone that comes here--

I was normal.

Once I was stoned,
but I wasn't like this, you know?

Oh, he doesn't like me anymore.

Well, your thing sure works.

Yes!
_ Holy jeez!

Let's go.

I'm listening.

Fine.

Now, don't pay
any attention to me...

You know
in my head it's like...

I can't see straight ahead of me.

- It's that bad'?
- Yeah.

I'm awake,
and when someone looks at me,

I tend to stare
because the ground is all white.

It's that intense!

Yes.

That's surprising.

Look, it's...

- Then you come back to Earth?
- Right.

Dani ask yourself
why it's so intense.

How long will you feel good m?

Fifteen minutes.

Only 15 minutes?

You have to start again
in 15 minutes?

Yeah. Some people do it again
right away.

I feel like I've got it
all over my face.

No, you don't.

My Wish for today
is more to die.

I'm paranoid.

- Because of the broken glass?
- Right.

Mathieu did that.

It's all white.

Because it's made out of
white plastic.

I know, but when you do
this kind of shit...

People have all Kinds of ways
to make you fee! paranoid.

Yeah, but we-

Well, you guys, no.
Not you.

Of course not.

Not you.
I wasn't talking about you.

I trust you, see?

But earlier! was at a peep show.
There was a guy I don't know.

I open the door
and he's standing there.

He says:
"You want me to suck you off?"

Hooked a! him.
"Come on, no!"

I said." "Get out of here. "

I closed my door.

Every time I go to take my crack,
he blows on it and! lose it all.

It goes on the ground,
all over the place.

People do things like that
to make you crazy.

At one point I went outside.
I wanted to smack him.

I said: "Yo, if you want some,
just ask for it.

"But you can' do that.
It's ridiculous!"

What was he doing?

He was standing by the wall, there.
He was blowing.

Oh yeah?

You're doing your crack
and suddenly there's no more.

What ave you going to do?

You get down on your hands and Knees
and look for it.

There's lots of stuff on the ground.

I drop it all the time.

He Kept hanging around
wherever I went.

Shit!

Every time I do my shit,
people won't leave me alone.

Mémé is me star!?

It feels so hot!

What happened to the film
you were supposed to be in?

Yeah, it women! out.

Was it the script
you were talking about?

Yeah.

I didn't tell you
that I did it, eh?

- No.
- Oh, OK. I went.

And there was a gorgeous woman
with blond hair down to here.

Where was this?

It was on Wellington Street,
in the west end.

He didn't pay me much,
just 100 bucks.

I took a few slaps from the girl,
because it was something...

I had to enter the showroom and say."

"Hey, there's nobody around.
What's going on?"

Then she came in and says."
"Oh, I know you want to get fucked."

Then she grabs me like this
and starts hitting me in the face,

punching me,
the whole damn thing.

Then she puts on a plastic penis

and took me from behind with that.

It hurt.
It was pretty hard.

Anyway it was funny
and it was quick.

Twenty minutes of...

Twenty minutes and it was done.

- So...
- And he was filming this?

Yeah, it was done fast.

It was the first time
I did a film that fast.

I didn't like it with
the plastic dick,

because she went pretty fast.

I bled a bit
and that wasn't fun.

But 20 minutes of penetration
and then it's over.

He just wanted 20 minutes
of footage.

I have no idea
where he sells that kind of thing.

I didn't see it.
It's pretty underground.

You're not supposed
to know anything about it.

But the gin was so damn hot.
K's pretty rare.

I've slept with
a few girls in films, but her...

She had these high heels,
hair down to here, big (Ks.

She was so gorgeous.

I don't know
how it will all tum out.

She worked out.
She was pretty muscular.

Her name's Valérie.

Was she Québécoise?

Yea h, but she had
an American T-shirt, cut low.

I had my child.

Have you seen hes'?

No, the child was bum on May 30th;
my ex gave birth...

How did you find out?

She left a message at Pop's.

I saw her a few days
before she gave birth.

She came into Pop's
with her goddamn boyfriend.

I feel like punching him
in the teeth.

She came in with him
and didn't talk to me.

He came up to me and says:
"Listen, she's with me now.

"You had your chance."
Blah, blah, blah.

Who does he think he is?
"I don't give a shit," I said.

"Every time you look at the baby,
you'll see my face.

"You'll have to live with that."

So she wrote me a message:
"Emilie gave birth on May 30.

"It's a little girl, Alexandrine."

And she apologized
for the way she acted.

She didn't want to talk to you?

I don't Know if she Wanted to,
but she didn't.

Emilie's quite a character.

These huge mood swings.
She's stubborn.

Did she at least say hello to you?

I said hello to her.

Let Bruno in.

ls there anything else you want?

He wants you to come in.

What's up?

You were scared, eh?

- When was I scared'?
- When you met me.

When I met you...
No, I don't remember.

Sure you do. With Rémi.

With Rémi?

Yeah, that's when I met you
for the first time.

When you'd lost your head
over your girlfriend, Lynne?

Yeah.

And that yogurt, that pudding!

He was saying: "Your stupid pudding
expired two years ago."

I had a needle
and I was waiting for him outside.

Yes, I Know.
And me too!

You fucked hey.

- Me? No way.
- No?

I swear,
I never did anything with her.

Don't make each other mad.
ifs going to turn sour.

No! Shit, I'm being frank with him.
I don't give a shit.

I know you fucked hey.

She was tweaking her panties
like that.

But that's all 1 saw, man.

She was in panties

that had diamonds in the shape
of a cat's face on them.

Boy, you've got
a friggin' good memory!

Christ, of course! remember.
She shipped down to her panties.

I was dead stoned.

Sex and drugs don't mix Well for me.
I can't do coke and screw.

It makes some guys horny
but I can't even get it up.

I like the mix.

You like the mix, eh.

Well, good for you.
But it doesn't work for me.

He Wanted to suck me off
for 20 bucks!

You're kidding.

No, I'm serious.
Yeah!

It was a joke.

As soon as he knew I was here.

Well, I said:
"Better you than a chem."

Because with clients...

What?

It'd be better with JF
you know,

but I wouldn't look you in the eye.

Damn, I told you to look me
in the eye!

I wouldn't look you in the eye!

That's the last straw.

I had impetigo.
At least that's what I think I said.

A skin infection,

because I was handling money.

I was handling money
and I scratched my face,

and that's how I caught it,
they told me.

Because money is dirty.

Yeah.

There's nothing dimer than money.

Tons.
It was full of people.

I only got Anglos.

Anyway...

Oh yeah? The Grand Prix crowd
goes for the guys in the village?

Well, not just the Grand-Prix.
There was Madonna too.

Lots going on in Montréal
on the weekend.

So that helped.

The sky was busy.

Sure was.

Do you think it'll be like this
all summer?

Yeah, 1 think so.

With the Out Games and everything.

Yeah, we'll probably have
a big crowd all summer.

It's a little hard
on the guys though,

when there's too much money.

For sure it wean you out.

I'm not in shape like I was before.

See this lump?
I got it from the police.

They dubbed you?

The 22-2 is the worst!

The 22-2 seem to be ready to do
whatever the hell they want.

Yeah, the 22-2 are complete morons.
The worst police station there is.

I went to the hospital
because I cracked my head.

I banged my head hard
on the window.

I gave it a good swing with my back
and Wham!

Just one hit and
I got out in two places.

The side window'? Which window?
In me back seal?

Yeah, in the back of the car.
The mile window that opens.

You see,
I had cracked my head open.

He turned around and said:
"you moron".

I replied:
"you're the fucking morons!"

And I couldn't finish
what I was saying

because I realized I was bleeding.

I saw this blood dripping
on my chin.

My sweater was beside me,
because it was hot that night.

Jul?'

Jul?'

Thinking (o; you, loving you

loan only think of you

Did you write that song?

My wastepaper baskets
are full of drawings

of your beautiful face

I wrote your name
again and again on-

You weren't filming me, were you?

...on cigarette packages.

Have you managed to quit?

It happened overnight.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Just like that?

It was time.

I see.

I was just sick of it.
That's all there was to it.

I was sick of it.

Enough with those stupid things.

And I decided to get back on
the straight and narrow.

But after a long time,
eight months, nine months,

there's a lotto do.

There's lots and lots to do.

I'm OK.

Thank God, I haven't got HIV,
haven't got any diseases.

I'll get more test results
in three months.

If it's just as good
as this last one,

that'd be ideal.

I've decided to get an HIV test
every month

for the next six months,

hoping I 'II get out of here
safe and sound.

For the time being,
doctors tel! me Pm fine.

I tried to commit suicide.

'bu?

No joke.

I may be smiling
but I tried to kill myself.

- Was it the first time'?
- No.

Do you try to commit suicide often?

When did you start?

A long, long, longtime ago.
Since I was young.

- Really?
- Since I was 13.

You do that often?

I'm fed up with smoking crack,

sol called the ambulance
to come and gel me.

I 'd decided to kill myself.

So I tried, but it didn't work.

So I called the ambulance.

Otherwise I would have
really killed myself.

How did you do it?

It sounds stupid, but I went down
to the railroad track

and waited for a train to come.

And did a train some?

Yes, but I got out of the way
just in time.

You called them
after the train went by?

Yes.

They kept me in intensive care,
high security for two days.

Security guards outside my door
and everything.

Free room and board there.

At Hôtel Dieu or Notre-Dame?

Se int-Luc.

That's where I do business.

Did you speak to a psychiatrist?

No, I only spoke to a doctor.

And he let you leave?

He told me."
"Hospital discharge. Bye-bye. "

You Wanted to Kill yourself
because of crack?

Was it during a trip or after'?

After.

Had you done a lot?

Quite a bit, actually.

Was it a whole night, two days?

Look, when we saw each other
that Thursday,

I hadn't slept
for seven, eight days straight.

No, they brought the courtroom
into the hospital.

The judge, the lawyers,
the whole gang

gathered around my hospital bed.

They found me guilty.

Of what?

I held up a variety store.

Then 15 minutes later,
I got stabbed.

Was there a connection?

No, no connection.
They made a mistake.

They got the wrong person.

They were out to get
someone else, not me,

but the other guy looks
just like me.

You've seen that he looks like you?

I saw a picture of him,
and he Books just like me.

They thought it was me,
but it wasn't.

Did they get caught?

No. I dropped the charges.
I didn't go after them.

How some?

Because they're guys
who stick together.

You know what I mean.

If I testified against them,
I'd be pretty deep in shit.

I 'd get a bullet in my head
a block away from the courthouse.

Three guys,
three Blacks jumped me.

You must have been scared.

I didn't have much time
to think about being scared.

There were knives everywhere?

Oh yeah.
It happened really fast.

You were stabbed everywhere?
You lost consciousness.

I didn't lose consciousness.
I almost did, but I didn't.

But the Worst of it was that
I had too much adrenaline.

I was going to get up and my friend
told me to stay on the ground.

There was someone with me.

He said." "Stay on the ground.
You're bleeding."

I looked and whoa,
I was bleeding all over.

So I stayed on the ground.

They made a mistake and Kept going
until they found the right guy?

Yeah, as long as they don't
find him, they'll stab, stab, stab.

Did they find the guy?

I don't want to Know.
I don't give a shit.

If they stabbed him,
then good riddance.

At least they'll stop stabbing
people for no reason.

Shit, living on the street
is no fun.

Well, when you get yourself
half killed,

no, it sure isn't.

It's the Third World Wan.

The US versus Russia.

Cannons and everything.

What do you think about that?

I think it's beautiful.

I think life is beautiful.

Hind it amazing.

People watch me, wonder who I am
and what I am doing there.

I dunno.

Who do you think I am?

It's like the war, you'd say.

Yeah, it's like
the Third World War has broken out.

Who started it?

Moron, man!
Pm such a moron sometimes.

I'm capable of doing anything.
Breaking car windows isn't me.

It's not Anthony.

The real Anthony cooks
and looks after plants.

He doesn't do crack»
on the street corner

and he doesn't do every guy
who comes along.

When you can say that

you don't even know who you are,

it's gotten pretty bad.

I don't know who I am.

What do you mean?

I don't really know myself.
I don't recognize myself anymore.

It's real simple.

I look in the mirror and think:
"That's not me."

I hear myself talk
and it doesn't sound like me.

It's not complicated, it's mad.

But you're only 19,
just starting om in life.

Yeah, but when you've gone
that far off track you wonder:

"Who am I'?
This isn't me."

You smoke 500 bucks of crack a day.

Sorry, there's nothing normal
a bout that.

See what! mean?

What am I doing drugs ma'?

"Because I like it. "

That's not an answer,
it's just a way of escaping.

Escaping what?

The fact that you have to think,

thinking about
why you take drugs.

I don't want to think about it.

Because there's a reason,
but I won't come up with it.

- There's a reason for it.
- There's a reason.

Yeah, we all have a reason,

but we won't say it,
so it stays without an answer.

Some vague answers:

"I like it." "It's good
"I don'! know, man."

Most of the time, that's what
they'll tel! you.

Usually I talk about things
that happen down here.

Today I felt like
doing something special.

I'll be real,
show what's on my mind.

It hasn't happened a lot.

Yes, quite often.

Like right now?

No, I remember the shots
rt was never like today.

But even if you're joking,

we Know that there's always
some truth to it, right?

[know but right now
it isn't like it was before.

Can we do some drugs, man?

Huh?

Ave we going to do some drugs?

A Few Months Later

A Few Months Later

Well, first of all,

it's as they say: "my heart's on tire"?

My heart's on fire.

lam in love, intensely.

It's really coo! in that sense.

That's what gets me
through the day.

I have my routine.
I get up every morning.

I sleep every night.

You won't catch me on the street
at 4:00 in the morning.

Forget it!

When you think about prostitution,
what do you think of?

Well, it's an experience.

I had this experience.

I learned a lot from that.

We all have a journey

Even H my journeys been
really tough,

it made me who I am today,
a guy who...

Well, I'm an Acadian,

and many say that where I'm from,
people have big hearts.

They're friendly and welcoming.

They're good people.
Livery people.

I think that's pretty much who I am.

Honestly, that's what it is.

Our lime girl.

She's going to be 28 next week,
in eight days.

28 years old?

No, she's going to be
6 months old in eight days,

on November 28.

I think I'll buy her
a little present.

I'd like to invest my cash that way
instead of getting high.

I get stoned all the time

because I don't know
what to do with my money.

Now I've got some money
for my mile girl.

That?! keep me on track.

If I buy her something
and give it to her,

I won't be able to sell it later
for coke.

I'll be giving something to her
with my money.

But you won't do it?

I'll! buy a present, yeah.

I definitely won't go back
and sell it to get stoned.

Have you been in touch
with your family?

No, I haven't got in touch
with my family.

I saw my father a while ago.

He knows where I panhandle,

so he came by with my brother
to say hello.

He bought me a meal
at a restaurant.

We talked a bit.
Then I went back to panhandle.

I'm happy to see them
when they come by.

I also saw my mother
not long ago, too,

except she barely recognized me.

It's been a long time.
I don't look too good.

A real mess.

Anyway it did something to her.

What do you mean?

It made her feel bad
to see me looking like this.

What did she do'?
Did she cry?

She didn't cry, exactly.
She didn't really have time to.

I was there looking for handouts
and saw my mother there.

If that gives you some idea...

Did she stop?

No, she kept on going.

She was with my step-father,
so that's that.

My step-father doesn't like me much
so they just kept on going.

Since we talked last time,
it's been a complete mess.

Like I couldn't care less.

I do squeegee anytime,
my clients anytime.

I don't want anything
to do with my mother.

My brother's dying.

Everything': going bad.

I am loosing Lynne
because I get high all the time,

and she doesn't want
anything to do with that.

And I dunno,
I just fee! trapped.

I'm stuck in my addictions.
I can't get out.

This is the first time I've opened
up to you guys like this.

You know, I'm all screwed up inside,
but I can't get it out.

I've just done a quarter downstairs.

It's like... a beat.

A way of life.

It's like I'm going to Keep
playing this same beat

and end up like my father
and my brother.

Maybe I won T get AIDS,

but I'll! still be homeless.

I feel lost,

like there's nothing ahead (o; me.

In my life, in everything.

I don't feel like I've got a family.

It's like my mother isn't my mother
She 's...

I don't know how to put it.

She says my father
isn't even my father

but my brother's father.

She says my father is actually
my brother's father.

She's trying to get me all mixed up.

I say screw this stupid family.

They all talk behind
each other's backs.

And they judge me for doing drugs.

And my brother is sick,

probably won't make it
past Christmas.

Same for my father.

And I 'II probably end up
getting sick too.

I don't know.

I'm sure to end up
where everyone else is.

It's hard for me these days.

I'm in and out of prison.
Whenever Pm out, Fm getting high.

I promised myself
I wouldn't do any more clients,

and then I started again.

Anyway, it's all screwed up.

I don't know what to think.

I even wrote a song."

I don'! Know what to do,
who I am, where I am,

what I'm eating,
where I'm sleeping

When I'm bored, that's what I sing.

The police are after me.
Pm fed up with them.

They're after me, but you Know,
I don't have anything.

I haven't killed anyone.

It's only prostitution;
that's at! I've done.

Anyway I don't know.

So I 'II shout it out in the streets."
I did prostitution.

I don't give a shit.

I get money where I can.
I med everything.

I've stolen things,

I've broken in houses,
held up stores.

I've done everything.

I dealt dope.

It gets so
nothing's working anymore.

The police have too big
a file on you.

So the next time I'm charged,
they'll put me away for four years.

Look, I've been
charged with robbery.

Two years.

For the first time in my life,
I'll go to the federal pen.

This film is dedicated to C.M.M.

Thank you to everyone who participated in this
project for over a year.