All language subtitles for Going.Dutch.S02E03.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

So let me get this straight,

your country is
only 250 years old.

You know, that's adorable.

We have discotheques
that are older than that.

Yeah, I'm really
jealous of your country,

its long history
of total irrelevance.

This little baby country
feeling fussy

because all I hear
is "goo-goo, gee-gee,"

and that's what
little babies say.

Get away from me.

-Goo-goo, gee-gee.
-Grr.

Have you got
semiquincentennial fever yet?

Yes, and I wanted to tell you
about my version of that,

which I'm calling
semi-Colonel-Quinn-centennial.

Now it celebrates the country,
my service to it,

and of course you, by virtue
of being in my shadow.

I thought we'd print up some
T-shirts for the soldiers.

-Oh, cool! No.
-Yeah. Why?

We're just gonna celebrate the
holiday that honors the country

that all of the soldiers
are missing.

-I know.
-And that is why I am gonna go

all out with
a big turkey dinner.

People hate turkey,
especially soldiers,

it's dry,
and it makes you tired.

Holiday turkey dinners
in the DFAC

are my fondest
childhood memories.

And all of these troops
have missed a lot of holidays

being here, and I just want to
bring them that sense of home.

Honey, it's part of the job to
not be home for the holidays,

I mean, I can't even remember
how many holidays

-I wasn't home for.
-I do. All of them.

And did you hear
me complaining? No.

Operation Zero Dark Turkey
is a go.

All right, we got to move
fast if you want to get

the Baumholder
before the PX closes.

You guys are going
to Baumholder?

Yeah, the PX is the only place
I could find

American Turkeys, you know, like
the hormone-filled ones

that look like they can host
a manosphere podcast.

They were supposed
to be delivered today,

and then there's like an issue,

so we're just gonna
go pick 'em up.

I think it's obvious
what the issue is, right?

Guys, it's me,
Davidson is upset with me

because I humiliated him
on the laser battlefield,

so he's holding
our turkeys hostage.

That makes perfect sense.
I had just momentarily forgot

that everything
revolves around you.

-What? This does revo...
-We're gonna get going.

Hey, I'm going with you
because you are walking

-into a trap. Yes!
-No.

I put on deodorant. Let's go.

I called it way back.

-Look, you're not coming.
-I am coming.

-No, you're not coming.
-I am definitely coming.

You lose your mind
on road trips.

-No, I don't.
-Do you remember taking

-the minivan down to Disneyland?
-Yeah.

And then you yelled at me

to stop singing
"99 Bottles of Beer"

because you said
it was alcoholic shanty

-about improper liquor storage.
-Which it is.

Let me tell you
something, Missy.

I have been in a Humvee
that was exploded by an IED.

I think I can handle
a little trip to the market.

♪ 46 bottles of
beer on a wall ♪

♪ 46 bottles of beer

♪ Take one down,
you pass it around ♪

Where's a roadside ambush
when you need one?

[theme music]

[Papadakis] Are we there yet?

Say it one more time
and I'm gonna order Conway

to open the door
and push you out, okay?

And I'll do it. He did not
put on enough deodorant.

Well, you know, at least
we're on our way to the PX.

That store is
a one-stop shop for all

of the best chemical-filled
American products,

including deodorant
that actually works.

Also gonna stock up
on the bad boy

of the American soda, The Dew.

You know, it's just such
bullcrap that the same chemicals

that make it taste awesome,
make it illegal here.

Do you think that's maybe
a sign you shouldn't drink it?

No, the sign
I shouldn't drink it would be

that it makes
my blood feel like lightning.

-[clicks tongue] Okay.
-You're all making out

the Baumholder to be this great
place now because of the PX.

But I'm just warning you,
there's still the enemy.

Nope, not the enemy,
literally the same army.

Honey, you're being so naive
about this. I'm telling you.

Davidson's up to something

and you are just
drinking his Kool-Aid.

-Which they also sell at the PX.
-[Dana chuckles]

So what are you
getting from the PX?

What? Oh,
I'm not going to the PX.

Baumholder was my original post.

Some of my old friends
are doing a party

and few are my ride-or-dies.

You have other friends?
Are they anything like us?

Is there like a-a Mamadakis?

You know what? Don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.

I'm in for the party.

I would love you
to come to the party

and you know I want you to
meet my friends.

-Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah.
-Hell yeah.

But it's invite-only. at
a secret underground speakeasy.

My hands are tied.

Um...

I've actually got texts too,
Conway.

Bet you I got a text right now.
Oh, look at this.

"Dear Comrade, a revolution is
upon us in the bourgeois pigs."

You know, you go to
one Communist Party meeting.

[instrumental music]

Colonel Quinn, we were
alerted to your arrival.

General Davidson requests your
presence in his office

along with the captain.

Ah, well, just after
we get our turkeys.

-Immediately.
-Hmm.

[sniffs] What's that smell?

Wait. Oh, yeah. It's a trap.

[instrumental music]

So, Colonel,
what brings you here?

You know why we're here.
He's just playing dumb.

We are here to
pick up our turkeys, sir.

-[Davidson] Ah.
-He knows that.

We're also serving turkey

for the semiquincentennial.

Nothing says America
like holiday turkey.

-I couldn't agree more, sir.
-It's a dry bird.

Uh, we had ordered our turkeys

from your PX for delivery,
but then someone explained

that there was an issue
with the ordering system, sir.

Yeah, the computers
all over the base are down.

-Ah.
-That's so horrible, sir.

Do you know what
I think happened?

I think you canceled
the orders on purpose

because you are still so upset

that I humiliated you
so beautifully

on the laser battlefield.

I will say all of
this turkey talk

has given me a genius idea.

What if I roasted 250 turkeys
for America's 250th

and in order to do that,
I would have to requisition

all the remaining turkeys
in the PX.

Well, respectfully, general,
those are our turkeys

and you couldn't possibly
need that many, right?

You'd end up throwing
half of them out.

What's more American
than gluttony and waste.

[Patrick] You know
what, sir?

You can take all 250 turkeys

and put them in a rocket ship

and fire them into space.

-I don't care.
-I care about the turkeys.

-They make it feel like home.
-You're missing the point.

He thought he had me,
and now he doesn't have me

and don't buy into the home BS.
That's what he wants.

He's playing a psy-op
mind game here, okay?

If you buy into the home BS,
he went--

Home is not BS, okay?
An-and this was not a trap.

It became a trap
because of your ego

and that's...
I'm so sorry, sir.

Please, captain, continue.

I would love to hear
exactly what you think

about Colonel Quinn
as a parent.

You don't have to do that.

-That's an order.
-Mm-hmm.

[inhales] Well, you can't
comprehend the feeling of home

because it is something
you have run away from

your entire adult life

and now that we are spending
time together,

you want a lot of credit for
showing up as a dad, right?

But when you do,
you are terrible at it.

Wow.

That went better than I
could have possibly imagined.

-Popcorn?
-Okay.

[instrumental music]

Cucumber.

Yeah.

[dance music]

[gasps] Dana!

[screaming]

-It's been way too long.
-No, I've missed us.

Okay, girls, catch me up
on all the tea.

Jen, are you still dating
"He who shall not be named?"

No, no. Haley's with him now.

Guilty.
But I can totally change.

[Papadakis] I know there's
a "darty" in there!

-Darty being day party.
-Sad.

There's this weird guy
trying to get in

-who wasn't invited?
-Ew.

Conway, can you please
tell 'em you know me?

-She's not letting me in.
-Do you know him?

Oh, yeah, you know,
I'm gonna handle that.

-Yeah.
-I got it.

She's not letting me in
even though it's clear

I have immaculate vibes.

He's good.

See? I told you.

Papadakis,
what are you doing here?

My friends are very
particular and if they think

somebody doesn't meet
their standards,

they can be very harsh.

Uh, Conway, this is me
we're talkin' about.

People can't get
enough of me, okay?

Well, for one, I was prom king.

Largely due to the fact
I invented

a very-easy-to-learn dance

that took the night by storm.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No invented dances.

Just small talk.

Uh... who wants to talk about
animal cloning? A lot of pros.

zero cons, it's a little thing
I made on my phone.

Slothadillo. That's cutie,
right?

Smaller talk.

[instrumental music]

I checked the PX, nothing left
but a few guinea fowl.

[door sliding close]

You know, for what
it's worth, uh,

I also know what it's like to
have a dad who never listens.

I thought you and your dad had,
like, a great relationship.

Yeah, we do. I was just trying
to make you feel better.

Yes. Thank you.

-[rustling]
-Yeah.

-I'm really sorry.
-Yeah, it's okay.

I mean, he has ruined
most holidays my whole life.

So why would this one
be any different?

You got to admit that's
a pretty impressive streak.

Yeah, well,
he can't help himself.

Everything that he does,

he does without considering
the consequences

or how it affects other
people's feelings and...

-[door sliding]
-You know...

Guess who stole your turkeys?

Wait, like s-stole-stole?

Yeah, Davidson's
gonna lose his mind.

[instrumental music]

[military music]

Pretty great, huh? Who's
the disappointing dad now?

-You.
-What are you talking about?

I stole your turkeys.
Hey, start loading them.

-We gotta move here.
-You didn't do this for me.

This is all about
your stupid schoolyard rivalry

-with Davidson.
-Honey, I could've done

so many different things
to get back at Davidson.

I chose the one that helped you.

I was just begging
Davidson for turkeys,

and now the turkeys are missing.

So he is going to
think that I did it.

Major, can you please take
the turkeys out of the van?

[Patrick] He doesn't
even know they're missing yet.

It's the perfect crime.
Will you put them back

into the van, please?

Crimes get people like me

kicked out of things
like the army.

Major, please take
the turkeys out of the van.

Okay, just so you know that,
these are very cold

and I didn't bring gloves.

Can we all just
put the turkeys back

before anybody notices
they're gone?

That's way riskier
than what I just did.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

Stop. Stop.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'm in charge. Ugh!

[chuckles] You know, I just
love your shirts.

It's such a fun choice.

Mmm, it looks like something
my dad would wear on vacation.

-Yeah.
-Thank you.

Dads are the best.

Although I've never met mine.

Oh, what a cool thing to
bring up at a party.

See? Conway,
your friends love me.

And my Je ne sais quois.

-[laughing]
-Right.

That's French for "swag."

Papadakis, they're
making fun of you.

Oh. If you guys want to do
shade, I can do shade.

No, no, no.
We don't have to do that.

No, I can do a shade.
Hey, Haley.

I might look like
your dad on vacation.

But unlike him, I'm not

staring out at
the ocean wondering

why I spend all my money
on my daughter's C+ nose job.

[laughter]

-Girl!
-That's actually hilarious.

Not as hilarious as thinking
you're pulling off

that chunky belt. You look like
an Olympic weight lifter.

We're out of here.

-That's mean.
-Okay. Wow.

I didn't know you could
sling it like that. [laughs]

Yeah. It's because
being mean is easy.

I just didn't realize
they're being mean

because I didn't think
you'd be friends

with, like, mean girls,

Mmm. No.

Unless... you're a mean girl.

-Oh, no. Papadakas, you know me.
-Do I?

Last week when you
complimented my shirts

looking at my crop tops
and my belly sticking out,

-were you making fun of me?
-No. I genuinely meant that.

Your man-FUPA is powerful.

I don't know what to believe
anymore. I need some air.

[military music]

[Davidson] How bad is it?

Mmm... Quinn.

Lock down the base.
Find those turkeys.

Couldn't we just
celebrate by cooking

and throwing away
some Cornish game hens?

No!

It's not the same. Ah!

[tense music]

Okay. Clear.

Jeez, can they walk any slower?

Now, listen.
This base is on high alert.

Obviously, which is just
gonna make it more fun.

We are gonna get into
the kitchens from the DFAC.

We've gotta cut the lights,
disable the cameras,

put the turkeys
back into the refrigerator

and bing-bang boom!

It's like nothing ever happened.

Trauma lasts a lifetime.

-That's true.
-[Papadakis] Got your text.

-Why are we hiding?
-Shh.

[mouthing] Sorry.

We're doing a reverse
exfiltration of the turkeys.

I don't know what
that means, but I'm in.

Wait, where's Conway?
She knows Baumholder

better than any of us.
We need her.

She chose her mean girlfriends,
any compliments

she ever gave you about
your outfits was a lie.

We are better off without her.

Uh! Here we go.

-The--
-Brought this beauty with me.

-You brought a "go" bag?
-This is not a "go" bag.

Those are for cowards who
run away from the danger.

This is a "go-in" bag for guys
like me who run at the danger.

-Okay?
-Hm. Oh!

-There we go, baby.
-Whoa. Whoa.

-No weapons.
-That's my lucky knife.

It's been with me at every
mission for the last 25 years.

You know what? Grab your butter
balls and let's go. Come on.

[tense music]

Excuse me, girl. What does
that hand signal mean?

I'm not sure I've ever known
what any hand signal means.

[switches clicking]

God's sake!

[Papadakis] This is almost as
real as "Call of Duty."

[Abraham] Okay, for
the last time "Call of Duty"

is based on the army.
Not the other way around.

[music continues]

Turkey fridge
at our one o'clock.

That you understand?

[Davidson] I know that
Irish SOB is here somewhere!

[Patrick] Don't! Fall back.
Fall back. Quick, quick.

-Oh!
-[gasps] Oh, my God!

Come with me
if you want to live.

Sorry, margs make me dramatic.

Margs?

[dramatic music]

Let's go, let's go, let's go,

come on, come on.

[panting]

There's a hidden door
behind here somewhere.

I just have to
push the right spot.

-Ah!
-Whoa, dad, dad.

I think this is

what you're lookin' for.
See? Lucky knife.

-Oh, secret passage?
-Yeah.

[Papadakis] This is like
"Call of Duty Vietnam."

-[banging]
-Let's go. We gotta move.

Yeah, we gotta get going.
Let's go. Let's go.

I know you're in there, Quinn.

Come out,
and face me like a man.

-Oh, yeah.
-Come on, dad, hurry. Hurry.

-Come on.
-Hey. No, listen to me.

You were right. I was just
getting revenge on Davidson.

I don't want it to blow back
on you. So, ditch the birds,

go back to Stroopsdorf,
and I'll buy you some time.

No, dad, wait.

[thuds]

Hello, Colonel.

-Gobble gobble.
-[chuckles]

[dramatic music]

So, I'm gonna ask
you one more time.

Where are those turkeys?

Name, Patrick Quinn. Rank...

Look, don't try
that RTI BS with me.

I took interrogation
resistance training also.

-So...
-Name, Patrick Quinn.

Rec, Quinn, Colonel.

Be serious and tell me
where the turkeys are!

Okay.

Serial number
seven... seven... three...

Now, I know you're
not in this alone.

I know you don't care
about turkeys,

but your daughter does.

And if I find out,

and I will, that
she's involved in this,

I will see to it that she is

-dishonorably discharged.
-Okay.

General, I'll talk.

♪ Six

♪ Five, zero

[sighs] I can't believe that my
dad stood up for me like that.

I mean, the only time he's done
anything even close to that

is when he fired
my mean piano teacher,

'cause she
refused to teach me

Scenes From
an Italian Restaurant.

Look, I think it's pretty
clear that being a dad

doesn't come naturally
to the colonel.

Commanding officer
is more his wheelhouse.

You know, a lot of my holidays
were spent with him

on missions like this.
Well, not exactly like this.

Birds were not frozen.

The birds were
Black Hawk helicopters.

There's a little bit
more high stakes.

Actually, significantly
more high stakes.

-Sure.
-Missions are his love language.

Hello, this place
is crawling with MPs,

-we gotta get to the van.
-Wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

Damn it.
I thought I could break you.

No, nothing can break me,
except Field of Dreams.

-Oh.
-Maybe Brian's Song.

Look, look, just, just confess

and get it over with.

Sir, I have located
Captain Quinn.

Maggie, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be--

Well, I-I think I know
where the turkeys are.

Well, she can't know
where the turkeys are

because I was the one.

Well, wouldn't the turkeys

be in the fridge?

What, you think
I didn't check the fridge?

Well, have you
checked it recently?

Sir?

[instrumental music]

-[Davidson] How...
-[Maggie] Oh, it's okay, sir.

You know, I forget where
I put my keys all the time.

[chuckles]
But if this gets worse,

you should probably
talk to someone.

So, if they're all accounted
for, we'll just be on our way.

Happy, uh, semi-Colonel
Quinn-centennial, sir.

[instrumental music]

So, that was a pretty slick move
you pulled in there,

but didn't I tell you
to get the hell out?

Yes, but I had to thank you

in a language that
you would understand.

Because I didn't
get it before, okay?

But-but now I do.

You were more at home
on a mission

than you ever were at
our dining room table.

-Yeah.
-But now we're serving together,

so that home
finally includes me.

[pensive music]

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

[sighs]

Now, you could say
something sweet.

[chuckles]

Yeah, um...

-The guys are here.
-[Abraham] Hey!

Quick PX run, we
thought the troops

could use a real taste of home.

Well, not real,
mostly chemical, but still.

-Well, that is actually perfect.
-[Patrick] Okay.

-Here we go!
-Papadakis.

-What?
-I need some space.

I don't want to hear an apology.

I've got something
special for you.

Oh, my God! Are you serious?

-Mountain Dew syrup?
-Yeah.

We can make like
Fountain Dew with this.

Okay, but don't
drink it straight.

That's what truckers do,
you will be up for 48 hours.

Yeah, I wouldn't do
that for sure.

When I first got to Stroopsdorf,

I felt like I was stranded on
an island

of losers, goofballs and nerds,

but now I'm starting to
realize I might be

more of a loser, goofball,
nerd than I'm, like...

comfortable admitting, so...

Welcome to the island life.

Isn't that right,
Mountain Dew, baby?

I managed to sneak you
one turkey.

-What?
-[cover rustling]

Oh, wait, but how?

We put them all back.

[instrumental music]

[cover rustling]

[patriotic music]

Tell me, what Mountain
did you say this Dew was from?

-7-Eleven, Jan. [laughs]
-Mmm.

I mean, its bite just
builds up your texture.

Why do American
toxins taste so good?

'Cause we're the best.

Now, a victory bite to celebrate

our very first reverse exfil.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

-I forgot how a dry turkey is.
-Uh!

Not if you, uh,
carpet bomb up with ketchup.

There's plenty left, too. There
you go.

-Yep.
-Mm.

[Patrick] Yeah, there you go.

That'll do the trick. Oh, yeah.

-It's good as hell.
-I'm good, oh, yeah, no.

-It's delicious.
-Yeah.

Don't.

-Do not.
-Oh, you did it.

Yeah, he did it.

No, don't chase
it with the goo.

[overlapping chatter]

Happy semi-Colonel
Quinn-centennial, everybody.

[laughs]

[music continues]

[Papadakis] Who's ready
to learn the dance

that took my prom by storm?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Everybody follow me
to the left. To the right.

-Two steps back!
-Whoo!

Papadakis slide.

Now, clap your hands.

Clap! Clap it!

This is pretty tank
for Papadakis.

Now get down low
and hump the ground.

There you go. That's it.

-Alright.
-Yeah.

-Really get the ground pregnant.
-It's getting intense.

Definitely had that
Fountain Dew uncut.

Okay, are you sure
this is the dance

that made you prom king?

Yeah, it was a COVID year.

It was all over Zoom.

Five, six, seven, eight!

To the left! To the right!

Two steps back!

Papadakis slide!

Clap your hands.
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Now get down low and hump
the ground like crazy.

[children] It's going so well.