Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
2
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,908
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
3
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,892
FELIX: A room, please.
- You alone?
4
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,979
- Yeah. CLERK: Luggage?
5
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,856
How long you want it for?
6
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,650
Not very long.
7
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:56,783
Five dollars.
8
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,125
307.
9
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:10,046
Uh, haven't you anything higher?
10
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,423
Higher?
11
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,933
914?
12
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,638
Good night.
13
00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,765
Goodbye.
14
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,553
[GRUNTS]
15
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,228
[GRUNTING]
16
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,191
[GROANS]
17
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,277
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.
18
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,155
[GROANING]
19
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,547
[ALL CHATTERING]
20
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,684
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
21
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,294
- [INAUDIBLY] What will you have?
- [INAUDIBLY] What?
22
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:08,177
- What will you have?
- Scotch.
23
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,475
Thank you.
24
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,008
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
25
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,136
Oh, no.
26
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,297
Ante.
27
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,424
ALL: Ante up.
28
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,693
[CARDS SHUFFLING]
29
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,003
Excuse me. Aren't you the one
they call the Cincinnati Kid?
30
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,047
You don't like it, get a machine.
31
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,840
Jeez, it stinks in here.
32
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,051
- What time is it?
- Again, "what time is it"?
33
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,928
I'd like to know what time it is.
34
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,722
You're winning $95.
Where the hell you running?
35
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:02,810
- I'm not running, I just asked what time it was.
- It's 10:30.
36
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,230
- I gotta leave by 12.
- Oh, heh.
37
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,607
I told you that when I sat down.
I gotta leave by 12.
38
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:12,236
Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down?
I said I gotta leave by 12.
39
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,780
Don't talk to him. He's dealing.
40
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,535
Wanna rest for a while, Murray?
Go lie down, sweetheart.
41
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,997
You want speed or accuracy?
Make up your mind.
42
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:29,211
Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor?
Smoke towards New Jersey.
43
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:36,218
No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix.
He's never been this late before.
44
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,554
Maybe somebody should call.
45
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,598
Hey, Oscar. Why don't you call Felix?
46
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:45,644
Why don't we chip in $3 apiece and buy
another window? How can you breathe in here?
47
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,188
How many cards you got? Four?
48
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:52,860
Yes, Murray. We all have four cards. When
you give us one more, we'll all have five.
49
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:56,363
If you gave us two more, we'd all have six.
You understand how it works?
50
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,949
Is Oscar playing or not?
51
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,743
Hey, Oscar!
52
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:04,079
- Yeah?
MURRAY: Hey, Oscar, you in or out?
53
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,623
Out, pussycat. Out.
54
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,501
I told my wife I'd be
home by 1, the latest.
55
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,088
We're making an 8:00 plane to Florida.
I told you that when I sat down.
56
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,466
Who goes to Florida in July?
57
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,217
Well, it's off-season.
58
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,055
There's no crowds, and you get the best
room for one-tenth the price. No cards.
59
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,932
Some vacation.
Six cheap people in an empty hotel.
60
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,393
Dealer takes four.
61
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,774
Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick?
I mean, he's never been this late before.
62
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,109
This is the same garbage
from last week's game.
63
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,986
I'm beginning to recognize things.
64
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,905
- I'm out.
- Two kings.
65
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:39,406
Straight.
66
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,910
Hey, maybe he's in his office
locked in the john again. Ha, ha.
67
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:46,622
Did you know that Felix was once
locked in the john overnight? Yeah.
68
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,416
He wrote out his entire will
on a half a roll of toilet paper.
69
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,626
[MURRAY & ROY CHUCKLE]
70
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:51,835
What a nut.
71
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,255
Don't play with your chips. I'm asking
nice. Don't play with your chips.
72
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,008
I'm not playing, I'm counting.
Leave me alone, will you?
73
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:01,970
If you stop playing with your chips. I can't
stand a guy who plays with his chips.
74
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,557
It's my house, Vinnie. You wanna play
with your chips, you play with them.
75
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,769
- I'm in for a quarter.
- Aren't you gonna look at your cards first?
76
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,729
What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway.
77
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,023
- Who gets a Pepsi?
- I get a Pepsi.
78
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,692
My friend Murray the policeman
gets a warm Pepsi.
79
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,444
Still didn't fix the refrigerator?
80
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,197
It's been two weeks now.
No wonder it stinks in here.
81
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,826
Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging,
I'd go back with my wife.
82
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,619
I'm out. Who wants food?
83
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:26,912
What do you got?
84
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,792
I got brown sandwiches and, uh,
green sandwiches.
85
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,461
- Which one do you want?
- What's the green?
86
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,674
- It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
- I'll take the brown.
87
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,593
- You crazy? You're not gonna eat that, are you?
- I'm hungry.
88
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,179
His refrigerator's been out of order
for two weeks.
89
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,932
I saw milk standing in there
that wasn't in a bottle.
90
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,518
What are you, some kind of a health nut?
Eat, Murray.
91
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,019
I got six cards.
92
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,147
- That figures, I got three aces.
- Misdeal.
93
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,400
- You want some peanuts?
- Know who makes good sandwiches? Felix.
94
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:59,236
Ever taste his cream cheese and pimento
on date-nut bread?
95
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,156
All right, make up your mind,
poker or recipes.
96
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,534
VINNIE: Aw, hey, Oscar. Hey, Oscar,
you got beer all over my glasses.
97
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,287
- For crying out loud.
- You got it on the chips.
98
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,998
- Come on.
- You got it all over me now!
99
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:14,126
SPEED: Is everybody gonna stand here
or we gonna play some poker?
100
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,712
- What is this? Here.
MURRAY: You got it on the suits.
101
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,840
OSCAR: Don't worry about it.
- Don't put it in the middle of the table.
102
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,217
- Put it on the side.
SPEED: Wipe the cards.
103
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,387
VINNIE: Get the bill. Right there.
OSCAR: Spill a little beer...
104
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:29,266
- How can you play like this? VINNIE:
Wipe the middle. You didn't get there.
105
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,685
- Come on, let's play some poker here.
OSCAR: Thank you.
106
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,396
- What's the game?
- Who's playing here?
107
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:37,399
- Vinnie, tell Oscar what time you're leaving.
- Twelve o'clock.
108
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,735
We got 10 minutes
before the next announcement.
109
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,487
All right, this is five-card stud.
110
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,031
[SINGS IN OPERATIC VOICE]
Five-card studarino.
111
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:47,117
A red lady, a deuce, cuatro...
112
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,912
a big ace for the policeman. Bet.
113
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,748
Wait a minute, the pot's shy.
Who didn't put in a quarter?
114
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,541
- You didn't.
- You got a big mouth.
115
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,043
Just for that, lend me $20.
116
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,504
I just loaned you $20.
Borrow from somebody else.
117
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,215
- I keep winning my own money back.
- You owe everybody.
118
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:04,843
- If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- I'm through being the nice guy.
119
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,845
You owe me $6.00 apiece for the buffet.
120
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,139
ALL: What buffet?
121
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:13,101
Buffet. Hot beer and two sandwiches left
over from when you went to high school.
122
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,646
What do you want at a poker game,
a tomato surprise?
123
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,613
Murray, lend me $20, or I'll call your wife and
tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
124
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:20,817
[PHONE RINGING]
125
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,069
Hey, maybe that's Felix.
126
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,181
- Pair of 6's.
VINNIE: Three deuces.
127
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,442
MURRAY: Ugh.
- Why didn't you go to Florida last night?
128
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,660
Oscar the poker player.
129
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,162
VINNIE: If that's my wife,
tell her I'm leaving at 12.
130
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:35,707
You look at your watch once more,
you get the peanuts in your face. Deal.
131
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,293
- Cut.
- Would you talk up? I can't hear you. Who?
132
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,503
[MEN CHATTERING]
133
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,965
Dabby? Dabby who?
No, there's no Dabby here.
134
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,051
Oh, "Daddy." For crying
out loud, it's my kid.
135
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,888
Brucey. How are you, baby? Huh?
136
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,974
Yes, it's... No, I couldn't...
137
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:55,477
No, there's a lot of boys here.
We're playing. Huh?
138
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,688
Boys, fellas, give me a break, will you?
139
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,775
My 5-year-old kid is calling from California.
It must be costing him a fortune.
140
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,860
- How have you been, honey?
SPEED: Okay, deal.
141
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,196
Yes. Yes, I got your letter.
142
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,532
Yes. It took three weeks.
143
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:12,119
Next time, you tell Mommy
to give you a stamp.
144
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:16,164
Yeah, I know, honey,
but you're not supposed to draw it on.
145
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,374
[CHUCKLES]
146
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:21,211
- You hear this? You hear?
- Yeah, we hear, we hear. We're all thrilled.
147
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,298
Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy wants to talk to me?
148
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:28,093
All right, sweetheart.
I love you, soldier. Goodbye.
149
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,555
- Ante a dollar.
- Cost you $1 to play, Oscar. You got $1?
150
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,224
Not after I get through
talking to this lady.
151
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,268
Hello, Blanche. How are you?
152
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:40,606
Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
I'm a week behind with the check, right?
153
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,858
Four weeks? It's not possible.
154
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:47,029
Because it's not possible. Blanche, I keep a
record of every check in my files here...
155
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,198
and I happen to know
I'm only three weeks behind.
156
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:56,079
Look, don't threaten me with jail,
Blanche, because it's not a threat.
157
00:15:56,247 --> 00:16:00,917
With my expenses and my alimony,
a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
158
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,587
Very nice language in
front of the children.
159
00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,380
[LINE CLICKS]
160
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,008
I'm $800 behind in alimony.
161
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,052
- Let's raise the stakes.
- She can do it.
162
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,595
- Do what?
- Throw you in jail.
163
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:15,098
Ah, but if she can't call me once a week
to aggravate me, she's not happy.
164
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,850
Aren't you worried about the kids?
165
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:20,520
The kids are living in their grandfather's
house with a pool in California.
166
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,273
- Can we play cards?
- I told you you'd get into trouble.
167
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,984
You don't know how to manage anything.
I'm your accountant.
168
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,320
If you're my accountant,
how come I need money?
169
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,613
How come you play poker?
170
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,239
- I need money.
- You always lose.
171
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,367
- That's why I need money.
- Then don't play.
172
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,911
Then don't come to my house
and eat my potato chips.
173
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,246
- Wise guy. Potato chips.
- Beautiful. Beautiful.
174
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,581
- Look at that.
- Wonderful.
175
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,376
What are you yelling about?
We're playing a friendly game.
176
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,463
SPEED:
Who's playing? We've been talking since 8.
177
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,669
VINNIE: Since 7. When I said
I was gonna quit at 12.
178
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,132
SPEED:
How'd you like a banana right in the mouth?
179
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,551
MURRAY:
All right. All right. All right! Calm down!
180
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,387
Calm down! Take it easy.
181
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:57,015
I'm a cop, you know.
I could arrest the whole lousy game.
182
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,020
My friend Murray is right.
Let's just play cards.
183
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,428
And please hold them up.
I can't see where I marked them.
184
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,607
[PHONE RINGING]
185
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:09,135
He owes money to his wife, government,
friends, and he still won't take it seriously.
186
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,781
Life goes on, even for those of us
who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
187
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,076
Hello. Divorced, broke and sloppy.
188
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,161
Hello, sweetheart.
189
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,622
Yes, darling.
190
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,082
[CHUCKLES]
191
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,420
Yes. Listen, darling,
I told you not to call me during the game.
192
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,964
I can't talk to you now.
193
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,133
[LAUGHING]
194
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,512
You know I do, darling.
195
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,055
Yeah.
196
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,391
Hold on just a second.
Murray, it's your wife.
197
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:43,311
[MEN LAUGHING]
198
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,941
I wish you were having an affair with her.
Then she wouldn't bother me. Hello, Mimi.
199
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,909
[IN FALSETTO]
"What time are you coming home?"
200
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,405
- [IN DEEP VOICE] "About 12:00, 12:30."
- About 12:00, 12:30.
201
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,532
Why, what do you want, Mimi?
202
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,034
A corned-beef sandwich
and a strawberry malted?
203
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,621
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is she pregnant again?
- No, just fat. Ha-ha-ha.
204
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,666
How could you hear that?
I had the phone over my chest.
205
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,087
Who, Felix? No, he didn't show up tonight.
What's wrong?
206
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,965
You're kidding.
207
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,218
No. How should I know?
208
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:19,890
All right. All right, Mimi.
I'll take care of it. Goodbye.
209
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,978
- What did I tell you? Felix is missing.
- What do you mean, missing?
210
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,440
He didn't show up for work, didn't
come home. Nobody knows where he is.
211
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,025
Mimi just spoke to his wife.
212
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,402
Wait a minute.
No one is missing for one day.
213
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,738
- Maybe he had an accident.
- They would've heard.
214
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:37,324
If he's laying in a gutter,
who would know who he is?
215
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,326
He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet.
216
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,995
The minute something happens to him,
America lights up.
217
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,206
I'll call his wife.
218
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,627
I thought he looked edgy
the last couple of weeks.
219
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,295
Didn't you think he looked edgy?
220
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,005
No. I thought you looked edgy.
221
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,883
Frances. How are you? Oscar.
222
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,344
- Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
- Tell her not to worry.
223
00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,513
- She's probably hysterical.
- You know women.
224
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,390
Listen, Frances,
the most important thing is not to worry.
225
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,559
- Oh. She's not worried.
- Sure.
226
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:07,646
Listen, Frances, do you have any idea
at all where he could be?
227
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,815
You what?
228
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,566
You're kidding.
229
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:13,985
Oh, no. I...
230
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,821
I didn't know.
231
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,364
Yeah.
232
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,866
No, he never told me. Yeah.
233
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,326
All right.
234
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,454
Yeah. All right, listen, Frances,
you just sit tight...
235
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,666
and the minute I hear anything,
I'll let you know. Right.
236
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,001
Okay. Goodbye.
237
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,518
You gonna tell us,
or do we hire a private detective?
238
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,608
- They broke up. ROY: Who?
239
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,112
"Who?" Felix and Frances who.
240
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,865
They broke up.
The entire marriage is through.
241
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,658
You're kidding.
242
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,368
After 12 years?
243
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,537
VINNIE:
They were such a happy couple.
244
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,957
He'll go to pieces. I know Felix.
He's gonna go try something crazy.
245
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,751
That's all he ever used to talk about.
His wife and kids.
246
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:15,005
He'll kill himself. Hear what I'm saying?
He's gonna kill himself.
247
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,091
Would you shut up, Murray?
Stop being a cop for two minutes.
248
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,177
- Where'd he go, Oscar?
- He went out to kill himself.
249
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,221
- What did I tell you?
- Are you serious?
250
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:27,225
That's what she said. He didn't wanna do it
at home because the kids were sleeping.
251
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,186
VINNIE: Why?
- Why? Because Felix is a nut, that's why.
252
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,189
Is that what he said? In those words?
"I'm gonna kill myself"?
253
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,775
I don't know in what words.
She didn't read it to me.
254
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,986
- He left her a note?
- No, he sent a telegram.
255
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,572
A suicide telegram?
Who sends a suicide telegram?
256
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,115
Felix the nut, that's who.
257
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:46,202
Can you imagine getting a thing like that?
She even has to tip the kid a quarter.
258
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:54,920
[YELPS]
259
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,383
Maybe he's bluffing.
We get these cases every day.
260
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,177
All they want is a little sympathy.
261
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,680
We got a guy who calls every Saturday
from the George Washington Bridge.
262
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,642
You never can tell
what a guy will do when he's hysterical.
263
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,020
- Nah. Nine times out of 10, they don't jump.
- What about the 10th time?
264
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,481
They jump. He's right.
There's a possibility.
265
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,859
Not with Felix. I know him.
He's too nervous to kill himself.
266
00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,195
He wears his seat belt
in the drive-in movie.
267
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:24,449
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
268
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:28,578
Of course. If you're gonna kill yourself,
where's the safest place to do it?
269
00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,288
With your friends. Open the door.
270
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:34,501
The guy may be hysterical. Let's play it
nice and easy. If we're calm, he'll be calm.
271
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,920
That's what they do
to those guys out on the ledge.
272
00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:38,964
- What are we gonna say to him?
- Nothing.
273
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:43,385
Are you through with this discussion? He
already could've hung himself in the hall.
274
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,136
Vinnie, open the door.
275
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,139
- Remember, like we don't know nothing.
- Okay.
276
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,064
- VINNIE: Oh, hi, Felix.
- Hi...
277
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,366
Hey, fellas.
278
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,827
- Hi, Fel.
- Hi, Felix.
279
00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:18,795
How's the game going?
280
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,523
MURRAY: Good.
VINNIE & SPEED: Very nice.
281
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:25,135
Good, good.
282
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,020
- Sorry I'm late. OSCAR: Mm.
283
00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:03,673
There any...? Ahem. Any ginger ale left?
284
00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:04,883
- Ginger ale?
- Yeah.
285
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,844
Gee, no, I don't think so, Fel.
I got some root beer.
286
00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:09,345
Nope.
287
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,265
Felt like a ginger ale.
288
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,726
Somehow, I don't feel like a root beer...
289
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,648
tonight.
290
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:24,778
What's the bet?
291
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:29,532
Uh, you bet a quarter. It's up to Murray.
Murray, what do you say?
292
00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:33,828
Murray?
293
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,413
- Murray.
- Tap his shoulder.
294
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:36,915
- What? What?
- It's up to you.
295
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:39,584
- Why's it always up to me?
- It's not always up to you.
296
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:40,877
- What do you do?
- I'm in.
297
00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,337
SPEED: Okay.
298
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,590
Um, anybody call about me?
299
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,134
Call about you? No.
300
00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:49,803
No, not that I can remember.
301
00:23:50,721 --> 00:23:52,222
Why, were you expecting a call?
302
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,516
Uh, did anyone call for Felix?
303
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,283
MURRAY: No.
VINNIE: No, I don't think so.
304
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,769
Were you expecting a call?
305
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,106
Uh, no, I was just asking.
306
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,233
OSCAR: I raise a dollar.
307
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,736
SPEED: Costs me a dollar and a
quarter, right? OSCAR: Right.
308
00:24:06,904 --> 00:24:09,531
Just thought somebody might have called.
309
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:15,411
Nobody called, nobody called.
310
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,624
Uh, what does it cost me to play again?
311
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,293
A dollar and a quarter.
For God's sake, pay attention.
312
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,462
ROY: All right, take it easy.
OSCAR: Calm down.
313
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,923
- Calm down.
- I can't help it. He makes me nervous.
314
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,259
I make you nervous?
You make everybody nervous.
315
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,719
- I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll kill myself.
- Murray!
316
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:33,930
Oh, sorry.
317
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,186
That's a pretty view from here.
What is it, 12 floors?
318
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,355
No.
319
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:44,607
No, it's only 11 floors, that's all.
320
00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:47,152
See, it's only 11 floors.
321
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,698
It says 12, but it's really only 11.
322
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,160
Gee, it's chilly in here.
323
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,414
Isn't it chilly in here?
324
00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:01,541
SPEED: Yes, it is a little.
ROY: Very chilly.
325
00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:05,128
- Wanna sit and play, Felix? It's still early.
- Sure, we're in no rush.
326
00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:08,089
We're gonna be here till
3, 4 in the morning.
327
00:25:10,593 --> 00:25:15,471
I don't know, I just don't feel
much like playing right now.
328
00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,729
What do you feel like doing?
329
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:25,440
I don't know.
330
00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:28,443
I'll think of something.
331
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:36,659
- Where you going?
- To the john.
332
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,703
Alone?
333
00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:42,707
I always go alone. Why?
334
00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:45,376
No reason.
335
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:46,878
You gonna be in there long?
336
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,049
As long as it takes.
337
00:25:59,225 --> 00:26:00,266
[DOOR CLOSES]
338
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,518
Are you crazy,
letting him go to the john alone?
339
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,854
- Suppose he tries to kill himself?
- How?
340
00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:08,233
- What do you mean? Razor blades, poison.
- That's the kids' bathroom.
341
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,526
Worst he could do
is brush his teeth to death.
342
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,737
- He could jump.
- Right. Isn't there a window?
343
00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:14,280
Yeah, it's only 6 inches wide.
344
00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,741
He could break the glass.
He could cut his wrists.
345
00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:19,749
He could flush himself into the East River.
He's not gonna try anything.
346
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:23,081
Shh, shh. Listen. Listen.
347
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,127
[FELIX CRYING]
348
00:26:28,295 --> 00:26:30,088
He's crying.
349
00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,882
You hear that? He's crying.
350
00:26:35,177 --> 00:26:38,638
Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes,
Oscar, do something. Say something.
351
00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,726
What do you say to a man
crying in your bathroom?
352
00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:41,933
[LOCK CLICKS]
353
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:44,394
Shh. He's coming.
He's coming. He's coming.
354
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,104
He's coming.
355
00:26:49,692 --> 00:26:51,734
Sit down. Sit down.
356
00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:01,327
[SNIFFS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
357
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:15,925
Well, I guess I'll just be running along.
358
00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:17,135
[SOBS]
359
00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:19,095
- Oh, Felix. OSCAR: Felix.
360
00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:21,180
- Come here, Felix.
- Felix, wait a minute.
361
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,516
I can't to you, fellas.
I can't talk to anyone.
362
00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,435
MURRAY:
Felix, we're your best friends.
363
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,062
VINNIE: Relax.
- Ow! Fellas, please, no!
364
00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:30,231
OSCAR: Talk to us.
- There's nothing to talk about.
365
00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:32,567
There's just nothing to say, Oscar.
It's over.
366
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:34,777
- Will you let me go, please?
OSCAR: Let him go.
367
00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,571
Leave me alone.
368
00:27:36,739 --> 00:27:38,906
MURRAY: Stop him! Stop him!
369
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:40,742
VINNIE: Come back here!
MURRAY: Stop him!
370
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,119
Felix! Get him!
371
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,913
- VINNIE: Get him!
- Felix!
372
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:50,043
ROY: Felix! Felix!
- Watch out. Watch out. Back off.
373
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,628
- Back off.
SPEED: Let him break the door down.
374
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,505
OSCAR: Break it in.
375
00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:57,592
Felix! He jumped.
376
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,200
OSCAR: What?
- I tell you, he jumped.
377
00:27:59,303 --> 00:28:02,180
FELIX: Ow. My back.
378
00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:06,351
Oh. My back. My back.
379
00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:11,522
My back.
380
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,400
Oh! The back.
381
00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,569
[GROANING]
382
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,369
Will you leave me alone?
383
00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:27,580
- Oh. Ow, my stomach.
OSCAR: What's the matter with your stomach?
384
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:31,334
Nothing's the matter with my stomach.
I didn't take anything. Leave me alone.
385
00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:33,920
- What did you take?
- Nothing. I didn't take anything.
386
00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,463
Don't tell Frances what I did.
387
00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:37,191
- He took pills.
MURRAY: How many pills?
388
00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:40,426
- What kind of pills?
- Little green ones out of her medicine cabinet.
389
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,074
- Don't call Frances.
VINNIE: I won't.
390
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,305
- When did you take these pills?
- You promise?
391
00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,474
A couple of hours ago. You won't call her?
392
00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,842
VINNIE: I won't call her.
- How many pills did you take?
393
00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:50,895
I can't remember. I think a whole bottle.
394
00:28:51,063 --> 00:28:53,564
ROY: A whole bottle?
MURRAY: A whole bottle of pills?
395
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,401
- My God, get an ambulance!
- We don't even know what kind.
396
00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:57,985
He took a whole bottle.
397
00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:01,614
Maybe they were vitamins.
He could be the healthiest one in the room.
398
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:04,158
Walk him around. Don't let him go to sleep.
399
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,806
- Will you please...?
VINNIE: Open his collar. Open the window.
400
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:09,414
- Watch my back! Ow!
- Keep the circulation going.
401
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,375
FELIX: Look, I'm all right.
OSCAR: One doctor at a time!
402
00:29:12,543 --> 00:29:15,711
- All the interns shut the hell up!
- You didn't call Frances, did you?
403
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,631
The bathroom,
get his head under the cold shower.
404
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,383
My arm! Watch my arm!
405
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,635
- Watch my arm!
- Easy.
406
00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:25,388
No, please, will you...? Ow! Cut it out!
407
00:29:25,556 --> 00:29:28,349
We gotta get the pills out.
408
00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:32,603
The pills are out. I threw up before.
409
00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:36,858
FELIX: Hmm, hmm.
410
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,573
Twelve years. Twelve years.
411
00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,783
Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy?
412
00:29:45,951 --> 00:29:50,538
- Yes, Felix, I knew.
- It's over just like that. That's hysterical.
413
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,458
Maybe it was just a fight.
You've had fights before, Felix.
414
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:56,711
No, no, no. It's over.
She's getting a lawyer tomorrow.
415
00:29:56,879 --> 00:29:59,297
My cousin. She's using my cousin.
416
00:30:00,424 --> 00:30:01,632
Who am I gonna get?
417
00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:04,635
It's okay, Felix.
418
00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:11,309
All right, all right, let's not stand around
looking at him. Let's break it up. Break it up.
419
00:30:11,477 --> 00:30:13,853
Yeah, don't stand there looking at me.
I'm ashamed.
420
00:30:14,021 --> 00:30:17,148
Come on, fellas, let's call it a night.
He's all right.
421
00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:25,823
It's all right, Felix. We understand.
422
00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:28,284
Don't tell anybody about this.
Now, you promise me.
423
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:29,827
I'm going to Florida tomorrow.
424
00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:32,497
- Oh, that's nice. Have a good time.
- Thanks.
425
00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:36,083
We were going to Florida next winter without
the kids. Now they're going without me.
426
00:30:36,251 --> 00:30:37,293
[CHUCKLES]
427
00:30:38,921 --> 00:30:41,214
Okay, come on, boys, huh?
428
00:30:41,507 --> 00:30:44,507
ROY & VINNIE: Good night, Oscar.
- [WHISPERING] Maybe one of us should stay.
429
00:30:44,635 --> 00:30:47,435
- [WHISPERING] That's okay, Murray.
- Suppose he tries something again?
430
00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:50,306
- He won't try anything again.
- How do you know?
431
00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:53,643
I'm not gonna try anything again.
I'm very tired.
432
00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:57,188
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You hear? He's
very tired. He's had a busy night.
433
00:30:57,356 --> 00:31:00,066
- Good night, fellas.
SPEED & ROY: Good night.
434
00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:12,328
- If anything happens, Oscar, just call me.
- Yeah.
435
00:31:12,496 --> 00:31:15,623
I'm three blocks away.
I can be here in five minutes.
436
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:20,503
If you need me, I'll be at the
Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
437
00:31:20,671 --> 00:31:23,881
- You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
- Good.
438
00:31:27,344 --> 00:31:29,470
- Oscar.
- Yeah?
439
00:31:30,639 --> 00:31:33,057
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.
440
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:35,726
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Good night, Felix.
Get a good night's sleep.
441
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,771
I guarantee you things are gonna look
a lot brighter in the morning.
442
00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:41,691
[WHISPERS]
Take away his belt and his shoelaces.
443
00:31:48,699 --> 00:31:53,452
Oh, Felix, Felix, Felix.
444
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:57,498
I know, I know, I know.
445
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,376
I know.
446
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,547
Oscar...
447
00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:07,842
what am I gonna do, huh?
448
00:32:08,010 --> 00:32:09,343
We'll talk about it later.
449
00:32:09,511 --> 00:32:12,972
Come on. Get something to eat first.
You like some nice hot Ovaltine?
450
00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:16,309
The terrible thing is I still love
her, you know? I always loved her.
451
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:20,813
How about some vanilla wafers
or Vienna Fingers or some Mallomars?
452
00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:24,150
You like a nice box of chocolate Mallomars?
I got everything in here.
453
00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:25,651
FELIX: We had so much together.
454
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:28,112
We had two beautiful
kids, a beautiful home.
455
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,906
Whoever had more beautiful kids
or a more beautiful home?
456
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:33,909
- Nobody. Nobody.
- It's 12 years of marriage down the drain.
457
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,329
Drains can be fixed.
That's why we have plumbers.
458
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,372
Get me a pot under the sink, will you?
459
00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:39,582
It's not fair.
460
00:32:40,626 --> 00:32:41,667
Damn it, it's not fa...
461
00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:43,586
[YELPS]
462
00:32:43,754 --> 00:32:45,421
- What's the matter?
- My neck.
463
00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:48,007
My neck. I got a nerve spasm in my neck.
464
00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,134
Just take it easy. Show me where it hurts.
465
00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:52,970
I can't straighten it out.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
466
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,974
- I just wanna see where it hurts.
- No, no, no. It's tension. I must be tense.
467
00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:58,184
I wouldn't be surprised.
468
00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,645
Aah! Ow. Ow. Aah!
469
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,314
Relax, damn it. Relax.
470
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,733
Don't yell at me. Ow. Ow.
471
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:09,362
- Does that hurt?
- Oh. No. It feels good. Unh.
472
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:11,864
You make the same sounds for pain
or happiness.
473
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,491
I know. I know. Heh.
474
00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:17,495
- I think I'm crazy.
- If it'll make you feel any better, I think so too.
475
00:33:17,663 --> 00:33:21,874
Doesn't take much. The first sign of anything
going wrong, and I fall to pieces like that.
476
00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:23,959
Don't stop. It feels good when you rub.
477
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,837
Listen, if you don't relax,
I'm gonna break my fingers.
478
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:30,800
Look at this, will you? The only man
in the world with clenched hair.
479
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,134
Bend over.
480
00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,929
- Ah.
- Just bend over. Attaboy.
481
00:33:35,097 --> 00:33:36,430
Okay, now hold still.
482
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:40,935
Now, if this hurts, Felix, tell me, because
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
483
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:43,729
[FELIX GRUNTING]
484
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:52,655
[FELIX WHEEZING]
485
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,871
What's that noise?
486
00:34:02,833 --> 00:34:06,252
I can't breathe. It must be the dust.
Open the window. Get some fresh air.
487
00:34:06,420 --> 00:34:09,130
Oh, no. We're not opening any windows
on the 11 th floor.
488
00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:11,882
To get some fresh air,
we'll go downstairs for a walk.
489
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,051
[FELIX CONTINUES WHEEZING]
490
00:34:16,138 --> 00:34:18,055
I wish I were like you, Oscar. Strong.
491
00:34:18,223 --> 00:34:22,059
But I'm weak. And I admit it.
I'm weak, weak.
492
00:34:22,227 --> 00:34:25,896
You'll outlive today's entire generation.
You want a lick?
493
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:29,066
You don't understand.
I'm nothing without my wife and kids.
494
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:30,526
You don't... I'm nothing.
495
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:33,571
You're not nothing. You're something.
You're a person.
496
00:34:33,739 --> 00:34:36,907
You're flesh and blood and bones and hair
and nails and ears.
497
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:39,744
You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo.
You're you.
498
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,954
You walk and talk and cry and complain...
499
00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:45,040
and eat little green pills
and send suicide telegrams.
500
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:46,917
No one else does that, Felix. No one.
501
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:50,671
I'm telling you, you're the only
one of its kind in the world.
502
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:54,300
You've stained me.
503
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:58,137
Chocolate ice cream stains. That's a stain.
504
00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,223
- Ice cream doesn't stain.
- Oh, vanilla and coffee don't stain.
505
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:03,476
Chocolate does. That's a stain.
506
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,105
OSCAR: Felix, leave that alone, will you?
You're gonna get a water stain.
507
00:35:08,273 --> 00:35:11,233
That's not gonna come out.
That's a permanent stain.
508
00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:13,235
You ready to order now?
509
00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:15,446
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, there's my little pussycat.
510
00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:16,739
Come over here, darling.
511
00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:19,408
For a tip, I'm gonna leave you the key
to my apartment.
512
00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:23,829
- Is it informal, or can I bring my husband?
- Never mind. I can't wait that long.
513
00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:26,123
How about five quick minutes
behind the cash register?
514
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:27,333
[OSCAR SNORTING]
515
00:35:27,501 --> 00:35:28,701
[WAITRESS SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS]
516
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:30,878
If you bite, I can't write.
517
00:35:31,046 --> 00:35:33,923
- What will you have?
- A cup of hot tea for me, please.
518
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:38,552
Cup of hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady.
You gonna eat anything?
519
00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,430
Let's see. I just had an ice cream.
520
00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:48,479
Give me a corned beef on rye, all fat,
and a high-calorie cream soda.
521
00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:51,398
[BABY-TALKS] Isn't she cute?
522
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,650
[OSCAR LAUGHING]
523
00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:58,823
If you don't try, how you gonna find out?
524
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,158
Exactly. It's very easy
for you and me, Oscar.
525
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,036
We're men. We're out in the world.
We can meet new people.
526
00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:06,038
- What about Frances?
- What about Frances?
527
00:36:06,206 --> 00:36:10,584
Divorce is much harder on the woman. She's
alone with the kids, stuck in the house.
528
00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:14,421
How's she gonna meet somebody now,
at her age, with two kids? And where?
529
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,882
I don't know.
Maybe someone will come to the door.
530
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:21,303
- Felix, can we stop talking about Frances?
- What would you like me to do, just forget her?
531
00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:24,223
How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage
just like that?
532
00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:26,684
You don't. Those are the facts.
You gotta face it.
533
00:36:26,852 --> 00:36:29,892
You can't spend the rest of your life
crying. It annoys people in the movies.
534
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:31,397
[SHIVERS]
535
00:36:31,565 --> 00:36:34,191
OSCAR: What's the matter?
- Too cold. It's the air conditioning.
536
00:36:34,359 --> 00:36:37,528
Why do they always turn those up so high?
I'll probably get the flu.
537
00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:41,574
OSCAR: Want me to ask them for a blanket?
- You gotta be careful with air conditioning.
538
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,827
Frances and I got one.
I never let her turn it on in the summer.
539
00:36:44,995 --> 00:36:46,995
- Oh. She must be crazy about that.
FELIX: Come on.
540
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:50,374
- Where you going?
- Come on. Let's move to another table.
541
00:36:54,296 --> 00:36:55,838
[SNORTS]
542
00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:57,715
- Excuse me.
- Aha, oh, I knew it.
543
00:36:57,883 --> 00:36:59,884
[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]
544
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:03,012
What's the matter now?
545
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:07,850
Oh. I got this... My ears are filling up.
I got this sinus condition.
546
00:37:08,018 --> 00:37:10,779
It's the change in temperature.
I always get it from air conditioning.
547
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,188
[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]
548
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,609
- Maybe it'll go away.
FELIX: No. It's all part of my allergies.
549
00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:19,320
- I get them in the summer.
- Only in the summer?
550
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,780
In the winter too. I get
them all year long.
551
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,784
I'm allergic to foods and pillows
and curtains and perfumes. Heh.
552
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:29,788
Can you imagine that? Allergic to perfumes.
That used to drive Frances crazy.
553
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:33,500
For a while, she couldn't wear anything
except my aftershave lotion.
554
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,295
I was impossible to live with.
555
00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,464
[FELIX YELLING AND SNORTING]
556
00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,726
Stop that, will you? What are you doing?
557
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,020
I'm trying to clear up my ears. Fmah.
558
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:56,068
You create a pressure inside your head.
It opens up the eustachian tubes.
559
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,359
[YELLING AND SNORTING]
560
00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:11,747
[FELIX SIGHS]
561
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:12,957
Did it open up?
562
00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:14,166
Uh-huh.
563
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,542
I think I strained my throat.
564
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:16,752
[CLEARS THROAT]
565
00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:18,295
[FELIX SNIFFS THEN GRUNTS]
566
00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:20,464
[FELIX CLEARING THROAT]
567
00:38:21,174 --> 00:38:23,592
Felix, will you leave yourself alone?
Don't tinker.
568
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,511
I know.
569
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:28,889
I can't help it. I drive everybody crazy.
570
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,227
A marriage counselor
once kicked me out of his office.
571
00:38:33,395 --> 00:38:35,980
Wrote on my chart "lunatic."
572
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:40,317
It takes two to make a rotten marriage.
573
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,947
You don't know what I was like at home.
574
00:38:46,241 --> 00:38:48,033
I'm a compulsive cleaner.
575
00:38:48,201 --> 00:38:50,619
Always cleaning up after Frances.
576
00:38:50,787 --> 00:38:53,163
Then I'd go into the kitchen
and recook her meals...
577
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,875
because I'm also a much better cook
than she is.
578
00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:01,296
I cooked myself right out of a marriage.
579
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:03,382
Stupid damned idiot.
580
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:06,760
Ah. Hey, Felix, don't do that.
You'll get a headache.
581
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:10,180
I can't stand it anymore. It's just...
582
00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:17,062
I hate me.
583
00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:19,982
Oh, boy, do I hate me.
584
00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:22,443
Eh, you don't hate you. You love you.
585
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:26,530
- You think no one else has problems like you.
- I thought you were my friend.
586
00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:30,617
I am. That's why I can talk this way, because
I love you almost as much as you do.
587
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,077
Then why don't you help?
588
00:39:32,245 --> 00:39:34,913
Help? How can I help you
when I can't even help myself?
589
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,791
You think you're impossible
to live with? Heh.
590
00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:40,377
Blanche used to say,
"What time do you want dinner?"
591
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,379
I'd say, "I don't know. I'm not hungry."
592
00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:45,549
Then 3:00 in the morning,
I'd wake her up and I'd say, "Now."
593
00:39:46,885 --> 00:39:50,679
I've been one of the highest-paid sportswriters
in the East for the past 14 years.
594
00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:53,974
We saved $8.50 in pennies.
I'm never home. I gamble.
595
00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:59,188
I burn cigar holes in furniture, drink like
a fish, lie to her every chance I get.
596
00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:01,982
Then for our 10th wedding anniversary,
I took her...
597
00:40:02,150 --> 00:40:06,570
to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings
hockey game, where she got hit by a puck.
598
00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:13,368
I still can't figure out why she left me.
That's how impossible I am.
599
00:40:14,496 --> 00:40:17,289
Come on, let's get out of here.
The muggers will be here soon.
600
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:21,668
I don't think I can take
it living alone, Oscar.
601
00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:28,300
In two weeks, I'll go to pieces.
How will I work? How will I make a living?
602
00:40:28,468 --> 00:40:32,888
OSCAR: You'll go on street corners and cry.
They'll throw nickels at you. You'll work.
603
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:34,348
Tonight you'll sleep here.
604
00:40:34,516 --> 00:40:37,935
Tomorrow you get your clothes and
electric toothbrush and move in with me.
605
00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,978
It's your apartment.
I'll just be in the way.
606
00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:43,607
Ah, there's eight rooms. We could go
for a year without seeing each other.
607
00:40:43,775 --> 00:40:45,067
I want you to move in.
608
00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:48,070
- Why? I'm a pest.
- I know. You don't have to keep telling me.
609
00:40:48,238 --> 00:40:51,782
- Why you want me to move in?
- Because I can't stand living alone, that's why.
610
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:55,119
For crying out loud, I'm proposing to you.
What do you want, a ring?
611
00:40:57,163 --> 00:40:59,832
Oscar, if you mean it,
there's a lot I can do around here.
612
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:03,627
I'm very handy. I know how to fix things.
I fixed my wife's hair dryer.
613
00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:05,796
OSCAR:
I don't have a hair dryer. Blanche took it.
614
00:41:05,964 --> 00:41:08,215
FELIX: Well, let me do something.
I gotta do something.
615
00:41:08,383 --> 00:41:12,010
OSCAR: You can take my wife's initials
off the towels, anything you say.
616
00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:14,388
Come here, you can sleep in here.
Brucey's room.
617
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:17,933
I can cook. You know? I'm a terrific cook.
618
00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:21,103
You don't have to cook.
I got enough potato chips to last a year.
619
00:41:21,271 --> 00:41:24,898
Two meals a day at home. We'll save a
fortune. We gotta pay alimony, you know.
620
00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:26,400
Okay, Felix, you can cook.
621
00:41:26,568 --> 00:41:27,985
- You like leg of lamb?
- Yeah.
622
00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:29,528
I'll make it this weekend.
623
00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:32,698
Oh, I gotta call Frances.
She's got my big pot.
624
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:36,702
Hey, will you forget Frances?
We'll get our own pots.
625
00:41:36,870 --> 00:41:39,037
Don't drive me crazy before
you move in here, will you?
626
00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:40,414
[PHONE RINGING]
627
00:41:40,582 --> 00:41:43,333
Well, listen, Oscar, uh...
628
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:47,045
Hey, if I do anything that irritates you
or gets on your nerves...
629
00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,548
don't be afraid to tell me.
It's your apartment.
630
00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:51,758
I don't wanna do anything to irritate you.
631
00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:53,468
Hello. Oh, hello, Frances.
632
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,138
I'm not here. I'm not here.
You haven't heard from me.
633
00:41:56,306 --> 00:41:59,975
You don't know where I've been. You didn't
see me. I didn't call. I'm not here.
634
00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:01,768
Yes, he's here.
635
00:42:03,563 --> 00:42:05,772
- Yes.
- How's she sound? Is she worried? Huh?
636
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,483
What's she saying? Is she crying?
637
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:11,153
Does she wanna speak to me?
I don't wanna talk to her.
638
00:42:11,321 --> 00:42:13,030
No, no, he's gonna stay here with me.
639
00:42:13,198 --> 00:42:16,617
And you can tell her I'm not coming back
there, either, because I've had it.
640
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,828
I've taken just as much as she has.
I'm human too, you know.
641
00:42:19,996 --> 00:42:22,581
She's not the only one
that's suffered in this marriage.
642
00:42:22,749 --> 00:42:25,167
- So tell her that. Go on, tell her.
- Yes, he's fine.
643
00:42:25,335 --> 00:42:29,504
Don't tell her I'm fine. You heard how I was
carrying on before. I was gonna kill myself.
644
00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:32,007
- Why did you tell her I'm fine?
- Yes, I understand.
645
00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:35,010
- Ask her if she wants to speak to me.
- You wanna speak to him?
646
00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:37,304
- Give me the phone.
- You don't wanna speak to him.
647
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,632
- She doesn't wanna speak to me?
- Yes, I understand. Okay, good night, Frances.
648
00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:41,725
Oh...
649
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:44,978
- She doesn't want to speak to me?
- No.
650
00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:47,981
Why did she call?
651
00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:52,694
Wants to know when you're coming over
for your clothes.
652
00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,364
She wants to have the room repainted.
653
00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:59,368
Listen, Felix, it's almost 1:00.
Let's go to bed, huh?
654
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,036
She didn't wanna speak to me.
655
00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:04,915
I'll get you a pair of pajamas.
You like stripes, dots or animals?
656
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,751
I wanna kill myself,
and she's picking out colors.
657
00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:11,421
How about some slippers?
I got some house slippers for you.
658
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:13,173
I'm glad.
659
00:43:14,342 --> 00:43:16,969
Because she finally made
me realize it's over.
660
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,179
It didn't sink in until just this minute.
661
00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:24,518
- Felix, I want you to go to bed.
- My marriage is really over.
662
00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:28,438
Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.
I think I can live with this thing.
663
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,776
- Live with it tomorrow. Go to bed tonight.
- In a few minutes. I gotta think.
664
00:43:32,944 --> 00:43:34,278
Gotta rearrange my life.
665
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,948
Felix, this is my apartment.
I make up the bedtime.
666
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,701
You don't understand.
I just wanna be alone for a while.
667
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,829
- You go to bed, I'm gonna clean up.
- You don't have to clean up.
668
00:43:43,997 --> 00:43:45,664
I can't sleep with a room like this.
669
00:43:45,832 --> 00:43:49,001
You go to bed. I'll see you in the morning.
I'll cook you breakfast.
670
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,003
OSCAR:
Listen, Felix, you're not gonna?
671
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,506
You're not gonna do anything big
like rolling up rugs, are you?
672
00:43:54,674 --> 00:43:57,092
Heh. No. Ten minutes.
That's all I'm gonna be.
673
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,220
Just 10 minutes.
I'm gonna do the dishes and go to bed.
674
00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:02,389
He's gonna do the dishes.
675
00:44:03,725 --> 00:44:05,726
[FELIX HUMMING]
676
00:44:08,104 --> 00:44:09,813
FELIX: Hey, Oscar.
677
00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:11,815
- Yeah?
- Oscar...
678
00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:13,275
I'm gonna be all right.
679
00:44:13,443 --> 00:44:16,236
It may take a few days.
I'm gonna be all right.
680
00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:18,405
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.
681
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,575
- Good night, Felix.
- Good night, Frances.
682
00:44:29,709 --> 00:44:32,127
OSCAR: Morning, Harry.
- Good morning.
683
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:34,296
Hey, there's my bus.
See you tonight, Oscar.
684
00:44:34,464 --> 00:44:36,340
Right, Fel.
685
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,767
Hey, Oscar, what will I make for dinner?
686
00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:54,941
[CROWD CHATTERING]
687
00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:03,200
MAN [OVER PA]: The batter, Number 9,
Bill Mazeroski, second base.
688
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:09,831
UMPIRE: Strike!
689
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,834
Well, that's the ballgame.
690
00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,128
It's not over yet.
691
00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:18,215
Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning...
692
00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:20,801
you expect the Mets
to hold a one-run lead?
693
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,096
What's the matter,
you never heard of a triple play?
694
00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:25,555
[PHONE RINGS]
695
00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:28,934
Hello.
696
00:45:29,102 --> 00:45:30,310
Uh-huh.
697
00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,354
Phone for you, Madison.
698
00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:34,231
I'll call them back.
699
00:45:34,399 --> 00:45:37,025
He says it's an emergency.
700
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,989
- Yeah?
- Oscar, just called to tell you...
701
00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:45,325
don't eat any frankfurters
at the ballgame.
702
00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:47,994
I decided to make franks and beans
for dinner tonight.
703
00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,956
[CROWD CHEERING]
704
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:57,421
A triple play! The Mets did it!
705
00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:59,798
The greatest fielding play I ever saw!
706
00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:03,593
And you missed it, Oscar! You missed it!
707
00:46:05,638 --> 00:46:09,266
Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?
708
00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:12,519
Take your frankfurters and!
709
00:46:13,312 --> 00:46:16,606
Oscar? Hey, Oscar?
710
00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:22,362
[SIREN WAILING]
711
00:46:42,175 --> 00:46:43,216
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
712
00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:50,348
I'm sorry I'm late.
713
00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:51,558
- Wipe your feet.
- What?
714
00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,519
If you know what's good for you,
you'd better wipe your feet.
715
00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,481
How's the game going?
716
00:47:00,443 --> 00:47:02,694
Hey, what happened to the apartment?
717
00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,363
It's been given the Good Housekeeping
seal of approval.
718
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:06,907
Deal the cards.
719
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,116
- Hey, Murray.
- Ante.
720
00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:10,076
- Ante up. Whatever it was.
- A quarter.
721
00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,245
- Everybody in?
- It's a quarter.
722
00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:14,606
- What are we playing?
- Seven-card.
723
00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:15,957
[FELIX HUMMING]
724
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,172
[VINNIE CHUCKLES]
725
00:47:23,508 --> 00:47:25,634
- A cold glass of beer for Roy.
- Thank you.
726
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:27,260
- Where's your coaster?
- My what?
727
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:30,305
Your coaster. A little round
thing that goes under the glass.
728
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,349
I think I bet it.
729
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,893
Here, here, here.
I knew I was winning too much.
730
00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,895
Always try to use the coasters, fellas.
731
00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:38,813
Scotch, little bit of water.
732
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:40,941
Scotch and water, and I have my coaster.
733
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,777
I don't wanna be a pest,
but you know what wet glasses do.
734
00:47:43,945 --> 00:47:46,947
- They leave little rings on the table.
- Little rings on the table.
735
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:49,157
And we don't want little
rings on the table.
736
00:47:49,325 --> 00:47:52,702
And we have a nice warm sandwich
for Vinnie.
737
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:55,622
Ah, gee, it smells good. What is it?
738
00:47:55,790 --> 00:47:58,041
Bacon, lettuce and tomato
on pumpernickel toast.
739
00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:00,289
VINNIE: You mean you just made it?
- One, two, three.
740
00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:04,839
- You put in toast and cooked bacon just for me?
- Don't like it, he'll make you meat loaf.
741
00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:08,593
You know how I love to...
Eat over the dish. I just vacuumed the rug.
742
00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:10,220
- Huh? Huh?
VINNIE: Mm. It's good.
743
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:11,763
Hey, Oscar, what did you want?
744
00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,599
Two 3-and-a-half-minute eggs
and some petits fours.
745
00:48:14,767 --> 00:48:18,019
Ha, ha. Oh, double gin and tonic, right?
Be with you in a minute.
746
00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:20,438
- Who turned off the dehumidifier?
MURRAY: The what?
747
00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:23,650
The dehumidifier. Fellas, I asked you.
Don't play with this thing.
748
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:26,778
I'm trying to get some of the grime
out of the air. Gee whiz.
749
00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:29,906
Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
750
00:48:30,074 --> 00:48:34,494
I can't take it anymore. In the last three
hours, we've played four minutes of poker.
751
00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:37,497
I'm not giving up Friday nights
to watch cooking and cleaning.
752
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:41,042
I can't breathe. That lousy machine
is sucking everything out of the air.
753
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:44,879
- This is delicious. Who wants a bite?
- I didn't have supper. Is the toast warm?
754
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:48,341
Perfect. And not too much mayonnaise.
It's really a well-made sandwich.
755
00:48:48,509 --> 00:48:49,718
Cut me off a little piece.
756
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,053
Give me your napkin.
I don't wanna drop crumbs.
757
00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,472
Martha and Gertrude at the Automat.
758
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:58,685
That thing could kill us. They'll find us in
the morning with our tongues on the floor.
759
00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:00,812
Do something. Get him back into the game.
760
00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:04,774
Don't come to me with your petty problems.
You get this one stinking night a week.
761
00:49:04,942 --> 00:49:08,028
I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins
24 hours a day.
762
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,946
Felix, get in here, will you?
763
00:49:10,114 --> 00:49:11,948
FELIX: Coming.
764
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,660
It was better before,
with the garbage and the smoke.
765
00:49:15,828 --> 00:49:17,746
- Did you notice what he does?
- What?
766
00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:20,665
He cuts off the crusts.
That's why the sandwich is so light.
767
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:23,673
And only uses the soft green part of
the lettuce. It's really delicious.
768
00:49:23,836 --> 00:49:26,921
- I'm going out of my mind.
- Felix, will you get in here?
769
00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:29,507
- I'm not gonna ask again.
- Forget it. I'm going home.
770
00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,802
The day his marriage busted up
was the end of our poker game.
771
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,305
Speed, you can't run out now.
I'm a big loser.
772
00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:38,016
You got no one to blame but yourself.
It's your fault.
773
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:40,602
You're the one who stopped him
from killing himself.
774
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,231
He's right. That man is absolutely right.
775
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,443
- You gonna eat that pickle?
- I wasn't thinking of it. You want it?
776
00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:51,780
- Unless you want it. It's your pickle.
- I don't usually eat pickles.
777
00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,907
- Deal the cards.
- What did you do that for?
778
00:49:54,075 --> 00:49:57,535
You wanna play poker, deal the cards.
You wanna eat, go to a delicatessen.
779
00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,746
Keep your pickles
and sandwiches to yourself.
780
00:49:59,914 --> 00:50:02,749
I'm losing $53 here,
and everybody's getting fat.
781
00:50:02,917 --> 00:50:04,501
- Felix!
- What?
782
00:50:04,669 --> 00:50:08,546
Close the stinking restaurant and sit down.
We got a poker game going on here.
783
00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:12,717
Is it up to me...?
Who threw a pickle on my floor?
784
00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:13,965
I don't think that's funny.
785
00:50:14,095 --> 00:50:15,804
[ROY SNIFFING]
786
00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:19,057
What is that smell? Disinfectant?
787
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,270
It's the cards. He washed the cards.
788
00:50:25,773 --> 00:50:29,776
- I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
- Wait a minute, Roy. Where you going?
789
00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:33,738
I've been sitting here breathing cleaning
fluid and ammonia for three hours.
790
00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:37,617
Nature didn't intend
for poker to be played like that.
791
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,162
Okay, ready to play.
792
00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:44,082
- Good. We got just enough for handball.
- Where is everybody?
793
00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:47,669
You got the nerve to ask that question?
I just been sterilized out of $53.
794
00:50:47,837 --> 00:50:49,437
Well, I'm sorry. Is it my fault, fellas?
795
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:52,090
Aw, no.
I guess no one feels like playing tonight.
796
00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,509
I'd better be going too.
Gotta get up early.
797
00:50:54,677 --> 00:50:57,387
- Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park.
- Just the two of you?
798
00:50:57,555 --> 00:50:58,740
- VINNIE: Mm-hm.
- That's nice.
799
00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:00,473
You always do things like that together?
800
00:51:00,641 --> 00:51:02,726
We have to. I don't know how to drive.
801
00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:06,271
- You coming, Murray?
- Yeah. Why not?
802
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:11,151
I gotta stop off and get Mimi a
hero sandwich and a frozen éclair.
803
00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:15,155
Marriage. Heh. Those two playboys
sure got the life, huh, Vinnie?
804
00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:17,866
Yeah. Some life those playboys got.
805
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,034
[BOTH LAUGHING]
806
00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:26,958
Heh. That's funny, isn't it, Oscar?
807
00:51:27,126 --> 00:51:29,294
They think we're happy.
808
00:51:29,462 --> 00:51:31,004
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
809
00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:34,549
They think we're enjoying ourselves.
Well, they don't know.
810
00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:37,385
They just don't know what it's like
living alone, do they?
811
00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:40,972
I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix,
if you didn't clean up just now.
812
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:44,100
Just a few things. But playboys, us.
813
00:51:44,268 --> 00:51:46,728
Ha, ha. That's really funny.
814
00:51:46,896 --> 00:51:49,814
I think they actually envy us.
Well, they should only know.
815
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:53,818
Will you leave everything alone, please?
I'm not through dirtying up for the night.
816
00:51:53,986 --> 00:51:56,196
Don't you see the irony of it? Huh?
817
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:57,489
Don't you see the irony?
818
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,534
- Yes, I see it.
- I don't think you do. I don't think you see it.
819
00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:06,623
- Felix, I'm telling you, I see the irony of it.
- Then tell me, what is it? What's the irony?
820
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:10,084
The irony is that unless we come
to some other arrangement...
821
00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:12,962
I'm gonna kill you.
That's the irony of it.
822
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:18,760
- What's wrong, Oscar?
- There's something wrong with this system.
823
00:52:18,928 --> 00:52:22,430
I don't think that two single men living
alone in a big eight-room apartment...
824
00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:24,724
should have a cleaner house
than my mother.
825
00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:28,561
Wait. What are you talking about?
I didn't say that you have to clean up.
826
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,564
What you do is worse.
You're always hanging up my towels.
827
00:52:31,732 --> 00:52:33,733
You follow me around with an ashtray.
828
00:52:33,901 --> 00:52:38,279
Last night I found you washing the floor
and moaning, "Footprints, footprints."
829
00:52:38,447 --> 00:52:39,781
I didn't say they were yours.
830
00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:42,534
Well, they were mine.
I have feet, and they make prints.
831
00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:44,661
You want me to climb across the cabinets?
832
00:52:44,829 --> 00:52:47,121
No, I just want you to walk on the floor.
833
00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:49,415
Oh. Well, I appreciate that. I really do.
834
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:53,711
All I'm trying to do is keep this place livable.
I didn't know I irritated you that much.
835
00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:55,171
Leave my pictures alone.
836
00:52:55,339 --> 00:52:56,923
I was just trying to even them up.
837
00:52:57,091 --> 00:52:59,926
I want them uneven. They're my pictures.
838
00:53:00,094 --> 00:53:01,886
Even up your own pictures.
839
00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:05,348
Oh. Heh, heh.
I was wondering how long it would take.
840
00:53:05,516 --> 00:53:07,517
How long what would take?
841
00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:09,894
Before I got on your nerves.
842
00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:14,399
I didn't say you got on my nerves.
Please don't do that.
843
00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:18,570
- Same thing. You said I irritated you.
- No, you said you irritated me. I didn't say it.
844
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,489
- What did you say?
- I don't remember. What's the difference?
845
00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:25,076
Doesn't make any difference. I was just
repeating what I thought you said.
846
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,912
Don't repeat what you thought I said.
Repeat what I said.
847
00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:29,664
My God, that's irritating.
848
00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:31,749
You see? You did say it.
849
00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:34,627
I don't believe this whole conversation.
850
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,840
Oscar, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
851
00:53:39,008 --> 00:53:41,634
Don't pout. You wanna fight, we'll fight,
but don't pout.
852
00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:43,386
Fighting, I win. Pouting, you win.
853
00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:45,680
You're right. You're right.
854
00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:47,765
Everything you say about me is right.
855
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,144
Don't give in so easily. I'm not
always right. Sometimes you're right.
856
00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,646
You're right. I do that.
I always figure I'm wrong.
857
00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:56,441
- This time, you are wrong and I'm right.
- Leave me alone.
858
00:53:56,609 --> 00:54:01,696
- And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting.
- I know, I know.
859
00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:03,489
Oh, damn me.
860
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:08,369
Why can't I do just one lousy thing right?
861
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:13,791
Why didn't you throw it?
862
00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:16,336
I almost did.
Sometimes I get so insane with myself.
863
00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,880
- Then why didn't you?
- I'm trying to control myself.
864
00:54:19,048 --> 00:54:21,758
- Why are you trying to control yourself?
- What do you mean?
865
00:54:21,926 --> 00:54:24,886
You were angry. You felt like
throwing the cup. Why didn't you?
866
00:54:25,054 --> 00:54:27,680
Because I would still be angry
and I'd have a broken cup.
867
00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:30,224
How do you know how you'd feel?
Maybe you'd feel wonderful.
868
00:54:30,392 --> 00:54:33,519
Huh? Why do you have to control
every thought that comes into your head?
869
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:34,812
Why don't you let loose?
870
00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:38,733
Do something that you feel like doing,
not what you think you're supposed to do.
871
00:54:38,901 --> 00:54:40,985
Stop controlling yourself, Felix.
872
00:54:41,153 --> 00:54:43,237
Relax. Get drunk. Get angry.
873
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,658
Come on! Break the lousy cup!
874
00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:49,744
Ow! I hurt my arm.
875
00:54:50,371 --> 00:54:53,456
You're hopeless.
You're a hopeless mental case.
876
00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:56,292
I shouldn't throw with that arm.
I've got bursitis.
877
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,920
Why don't you live in a closet?
878
00:54:59,088 --> 00:55:02,256
I'll leave your meals outside the door
and slide in the newspapers.
879
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,593
Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.
That's the way I am. I can't help it.
880
00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:07,428
You're not gonna cry, are you?
881
00:55:07,596 --> 00:55:11,557
I think all those tears dripping on
your arm is what gave you bursitis.
882
00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:19,399
Let me tell you something, Oscar.
883
00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:22,527
I may not be the easiest person
in the world to live with...
884
00:55:22,695 --> 00:55:26,030
but you could've done a lot worse.
A whole lot worse.
885
00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:29,367
How?
886
00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,536
I put order in this house.
887
00:55:31,704 --> 00:55:34,080
For the first time in months,
you're saving money.
888
00:55:34,248 --> 00:55:37,625
You're sleeping on clean sheets,
you're eating hot meals for a change...
889
00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,293
and I did that.
890
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:41,379
Yes, that's right.
891
00:55:41,547 --> 00:55:46,551
Then at night, after we've had
your halibut steak in your tartare sauce...
892
00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:50,972
I have to spend the rest of the evening
watching you Saran-wrap the leftovers.
893
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:53,266
Felix, when are you and I
gonna have some fun?
894
00:55:53,434 --> 00:55:55,476
A little relaxation? Get out of the house?
895
00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:58,813
What are you talking about? We have fun.
Eat over the plate.
896
00:55:58,981 --> 00:56:03,526
Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture
on channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.
897
00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:07,488
We don't always watch TV.
Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.
898
00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:10,491
No, no, no. I read, and you talk.
I try to work, and you talk.
899
00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:12,160
I go to sleep, and you talk.
900
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:15,788
We got your life arranged pretty good,
but I'm still looking for entertainment.
901
00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:18,916
- What are you saying, I talk too much?
- No, I'm not complaining.
902
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,002
You got a lot to say.
903
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:24,630
What's worrying me
is I'm beginning to listen.
904
00:56:26,258 --> 00:56:29,677
- You're not gonna hear another peep.
- You're gonna give me a haircut, are you?
905
00:56:29,845 --> 00:56:33,181
I'm gonna cut up some cabbage and greens
and make coleslaw for tomorrow.
906
00:56:33,348 --> 00:56:36,017
I don't want any coleslaw.
I just wanna have some fun tonight.
907
00:56:36,185 --> 00:56:38,466
- I thought you liked my coleslaw.
- I love your coleslaw.
908
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:40,646
- Uh-huh.
- I swear, I love your coleslaw.
909
00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,858
I'll take your coleslaw with me
to work tomorrow, but not tonight.
910
00:56:44,026 --> 00:56:46,527
- Let's go out of the house.
- All right, let's go.
911
00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:48,863
I only make it for you.
I don't like coleslaw.
912
00:56:49,031 --> 00:56:51,199
If you wanted to get out,
why didn't you say so?
913
00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:54,368
You think I like working and slaving
in the kitchen all day long?
914
00:56:58,582 --> 00:56:59,791
Strike. Ow.
915
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:03,127
How about that? Oscar, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.
916
00:57:03,295 --> 00:57:05,375
A person has to get out of the house
once in a while.
917
00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:06,547
[WOMEN LAUGH]
918
00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:10,968
Hmm? Ah, oh, yes, bowling.
Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix.
919
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:15,223
But that's not the kind of relaxation
I had in mind.
920
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:18,309
- I mean, the night was made for
other things. FELIX: Like what?
921
00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:23,439
Like unless I get to touch something soft
in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble.
922
00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:25,441
Oh, you mean women?
923
00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:28,152
If you wanna give it a name,
all right, women.
924
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:32,115
- Funny. I haven't thought of women in weeks.
- I fail to see the humor.
925
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:33,658
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]
926
00:57:33,826 --> 00:57:38,746
All I'm saying is, why don't we spend one night
talking to someone with higher voices than us?
927
00:57:38,914 --> 00:57:41,958
- You mean, uh...?
- That's what I mean.
928
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:46,712
- I can't.
- Why not?
929
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,631
I'm just not ready for it yet.
930
00:57:48,799 --> 00:57:51,717
I don't wanna discuss it, all right?
Let's bowl.
931
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:57,932
[FELIX SIGHS]
932
00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:00,768
I intend to go out.
I get as lonely as the next fella...
933
00:58:00,936 --> 00:58:03,437
but I've only been separated
for a couple of weeks.
934
00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:05,940
- Give me a little time.
- There isn't any time left.
935
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:08,776
I saw TV Guide,
and there's nothing on this week.
936
00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:10,736
Twelve in the corner.
937
00:58:11,029 --> 00:58:12,989
What am I asking you, for crying out loud?
938
00:58:13,157 --> 00:58:15,992
All I wanna do is have dinner and laughs
with a couple girls.
939
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,661
Can't you go out yourself?
Why do you have to have me?
940
00:58:18,829 --> 00:58:20,663
I may wanna come back to the apartment.
941
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:24,542
If we walk in and find you washing
the windows, it puts a damper on things.
942
00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:28,379
- I'll take a pill and go to sleep.
- Why take a pill when you can take a girl?
943
00:58:28,547 --> 00:58:31,257
It'd make me feel guilty.
I'm sorry, but that's why.
944
00:58:31,425 --> 00:58:33,843
If it doesn't make sense to you,
it's the way I feel.
945
00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:35,052
Go ahead and shoot.
946
00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:46,147
Who would I call?
I don't even know any single girls.
947
00:58:46,315 --> 00:58:49,358
Leave that to me. Two sisters live
in our building, English girls.
948
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:52,695
One is a widow, the other is a divorcée.
They're a barrel of laughs.
949
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:53,905
How do you know?
950
00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,075
I was trapped in the elevator with them last
week. Please, Felix. Please just say yes.
951
00:58:58,243 --> 00:59:00,411
I can call them now.
Please say yes for my sake.
952
00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:01,954
If it means that much to you...
953
00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:04,415
Attababy.
That's the Felix I've been waiting for.
954
00:59:04,583 --> 00:59:07,877
- Wait. What do they look like?
- Don't worry, yours is very pretty.
955
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:11,297
[CROWD CHATTERING]
956
00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,176
Excuse me.
957
00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:17,053
We're all set, 7:30 tomorrow night.
958
00:59:17,221 --> 00:59:19,222
- Which one do I get?
- The divorcée.
959
00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:21,766
- Why do I get the divorcée?
- You want the widow?
960
00:59:21,934 --> 00:59:25,353
I don't want the widow. I don't want
the divorcée. I'm doing this for you.
961
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,773
Take whoever you want.
When they walk in, point to your choice.
962
00:59:28,941 --> 00:59:30,274
I just wanna get some laughs.
963
00:59:30,442 --> 00:59:33,819
What are they, old? I mean, you know, how?
Thirty? Thirty-five? Older?
964
00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:36,155
What's the matter with you?
They're young kids.
965
00:59:36,323 --> 00:59:38,783
Where'd you say you met them?
Did they wanna meet me?
966
00:59:39,660 --> 00:59:41,994
Don't forget and suddenly call
one of them Frances.
967
00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,080
It's Gwendolyn and Cecily.
968
00:59:44,248 --> 00:59:47,959
No Frances. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
969
00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:56,050
[SINGING] Rule, Britannia
Britannia, rule the waves.
970
00:59:57,386 --> 00:59:59,428
Supposing my kids see me?
971
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,723
I'm going to nightclubs with foreign girls.
I got two American kids to support.
972
01:00:02,891 --> 01:00:03,933
[SIGHS]
973
01:00:09,273 --> 01:00:11,065
- Where are we gonna have dinner?
- What?
974
01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:12,692
Where are we gonna have dinner?
975
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:16,028
Anywhe... Anywhere you say.
Chinese, Italian...
976
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:18,823
You mean a restaurant?
It will cost a fortune.
977
01:00:18,991 --> 01:00:21,742
We'll cut down on laundry.
We don't wear socks on Thursdays.
978
01:00:21,910 --> 01:00:24,370
- We can't afford restaurants. We'll eat here.
- Here?
979
01:00:24,538 --> 01:00:26,372
I'm gonna cook. We'll save 30, 40 dollars.
980
01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:29,834
What kind of a double date is that?
You'll be in the kitchen all night.
981
01:00:30,002 --> 01:00:32,169
No, I won't. I put it up in the afternoon.
982
01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:35,089
Once I get my potatoes in,
I got all the time in the world.
983
01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,091
What happened to the whole new Felix?
984
01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:38,342
Who are you calling?
985
01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:40,970
Frances. I wanna get her
recipe for meat loaf.
986
01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:43,264
The girls will be crazy about it.
987
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:05,786
- I'd like fresh ground.
- That's fresh.
988
01:01:05,954 --> 01:01:08,748
That's not fresh. That's packaged.
I want fresh.
989
01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:11,959
- How much?
- Four pounds exactly.
990
01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:19,759
Is that one ripe?
991
01:01:21,386 --> 01:01:23,012
Not for tonight. Couple of days.
992
01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:24,722
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
993
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,479
[HUMMING]
994
01:01:32,189 --> 01:01:34,357
OSCAR: Hey. Beautiful.
995
01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:36,192
Beautiful.
996
01:01:36,360 --> 01:01:37,985
[CHUCKLES]
997
01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:47,787
I'm home, dear.
998
01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:59,840
Mm. Something wonderful
is going on in that kitchen.
999
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,050
[CHUCKLES]
1000
01:02:01,218 --> 01:02:04,887
No, sir, no doubt about it,
I am the luckiest man on earth.
1001
01:02:05,055 --> 01:02:10,184
Felix? Felix. Felix, listen. I got the wine.
Bâtard-Montrachet, six and a quarter.
1002
01:02:10,352 --> 01:02:12,872
You don't mind, do you, pussycat?
We can walk to work this week.
1003
01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:14,063
[OSCAR CHUCKLES]
1004
01:02:14,231 --> 01:02:15,981
No kidding, Felix. You did a great job.
1005
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:19,360
One little suggestion. Let's come
down a little bit with the lights...
1006
01:02:19,528 --> 01:02:22,530
and up very softly with the music, huh?
1007
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,658
Hey, do you think Mozart goes good
with meat loaf?
1008
01:02:25,826 --> 01:02:27,493
[CHUCKLES]
1009
01:02:28,620 --> 01:02:29,662
Huh?
1010
01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:34,208
What's the matter, Felix? Something's
wrong. I can tell from your conversation.
1011
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:37,711
All right, Felix. What is it? What is it?
1012
01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:39,713
What is it?
1013
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:42,466
Let's start with what time you think it is.
1014
01:02:42,634 --> 01:02:44,885
What time? I don't know, 7:30?
1015
01:02:45,303 --> 01:02:46,679
Seven-thirty? Try 8:00.
1016
01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:48,806
All right, so it's 8:00. So?
1017
01:02:49,433 --> 01:02:52,101
- So you said you'd be home at 7.
- Is that what I said?
1018
01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:54,437
"I'll be home at 7" is what you said.
1019
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,065
So I said I'd be home at 7 and it's 8.
So, what's the problem?
1020
01:02:58,483 --> 01:03:01,944
So if you knew you were gonna be late,
why didn't you call me?
1021
01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:04,864
Huh?
1022
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:08,242
- I couldn't call you. I was busy.
- Too busy to phone? Where were you?
1023
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,202
- I was in the office.
- In the office?
1024
01:03:10,370 --> 01:03:13,205
- Yes, working.
- I called your office at 7:00. You were gone.
1025
01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,833
It took me an hour to get home.
I couldn't get a cab.
1026
01:03:16,001 --> 01:03:18,836
Since when do they have cabs
in Hannigan's Bar?
1027
01:03:19,004 --> 01:03:20,045
Hey, wait a minute.
1028
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,674
I wanna get this down on a tape recorder
because nobody's gonna believe me.
1029
01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:26,469
Now I gotta call you
if I'm coming home late for dinner?
1030
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:27,887
Not any dinner...
1031
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:31,599
just the ones that I've been slaving
over since 5:00 this afternoon...
1032
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:34,810
to help save you money
to pay your wife's alimony.
1033
01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:39,440
Felix, this is no time
to have a domestic quarrel.
1034
01:03:39,608 --> 01:03:43,652
We got two girls coming down here
any minute.
1035
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,863
You mean you told them to be here at 8:00?
1036
01:03:46,031 --> 01:03:49,742
I don't remember what I said, 7:30, 8:00.
What the hell difference does it make?
1037
01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:53,787
I'll tell you what difference it makes. You
told me they were gonna be here at 7:30.
1038
01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:56,874
You were gonna be here at 7:00,
help me with the hors d'oeuvres...
1039
01:03:57,042 --> 01:03:59,460
then at 7:30 they get here
and we have cocktails.
1040
01:03:59,628 --> 01:04:01,086
At 8:00 we're gonna eat dinner.
1041
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:04,423
Well, it's now 8:00, and my dinner's
finished. The meat loaf is done.
1042
01:04:04,591 --> 01:04:08,260
Now if we don't eat within 15 seconds,
the whole damn thing will be dried out!
1043
01:04:09,054 --> 01:04:10,095
God help me.
1044
01:04:10,514 --> 01:04:13,015
Never mind helping you.
Tell him to save my meat loaf.
1045
01:04:17,229 --> 01:04:18,437
Can't you keep it warm?
1046
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:22,441
What do you think I am, the magic chef?
I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00...
1047
01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,987
- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it.
1048
01:04:27,155 --> 01:04:28,948
- What gravy?
- Don't you have any gravy?
1049
01:04:29,115 --> 01:04:30,741
Where am I gonna get gravy at 8:00?
1050
01:04:30,909 --> 01:04:33,619
I don't know.
I thought it comes when you cook the meat.
1051
01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:35,454
"Comes when you cook the..."
1052
01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:37,748
You don't know what you're talking about.
1053
01:04:37,916 --> 01:04:41,043
You just don't know.
You've gotta make gravy. It doesn't come.
1054
01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,670
Well, you asked my advice, so...
1055
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:46,590
Your advice? You didn't even know where
this kitchen was till I showed it to you!
1056
01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,134
You wanna talk to me, buddy,
put down that spoon.
1057
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,554
Spoon! Heh. You dumb ignoramus!
1058
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,222
That is a ladle!
1059
01:04:53,390 --> 01:04:55,891
You did not know that's a ladle!
1060
01:04:56,059 --> 01:04:58,852
- Get ahold of yourself.
- You think it's so easy? Go ahead.
1061
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,479
The kitchen's yours, all yours.
1062
01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,649
You go make a meat loaf for four people
that come a half hour late. Go on.
1063
01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:05,617
Listen to me.
I'm arguing with him over gravy.
1064
01:05:05,777 --> 01:05:06,819
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
1065
01:05:06,987 --> 01:05:08,571
They're here, the dinner guests.
1066
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:12,658
I'll get a saw and cut the meat.
Listen, I wanna tell you something.
1067
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:14,952
I'm not gonna take the
blame for this dinner.
1068
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:16,912
Who even cares about the dinner?
1069
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,498
I care! I take pride in what I do.
1070
01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:21,792
You're gonna explain to them
what happened.
1071
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:24,378
Okay. You can take a picture of me
coming in at 8:00.
1072
01:05:24,546 --> 01:05:27,298
Now take off that stupid apron
because I'm opening the door.
1073
01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:31,135
I wanna get one thing straight. This is
the last time I cook anything for you.
1074
01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:35,222
People like you don't appreciate a decent
meal, and that's why they have TV dinners.
1075
01:05:35,390 --> 01:05:37,057
- Are you through?
- Yeah, I'm through.
1076
01:05:37,225 --> 01:05:39,059
Then smile.
1077
01:05:41,354 --> 01:05:42,730
Hi there. Ha, ha.
1078
01:05:42,897 --> 01:05:43,981
- Hello.
- Hello.
1079
01:05:44,149 --> 01:05:47,276
- I do hope we're not late. OSCAR: No,
not at all. You timed it perfectly.
1080
01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,403
Perfectly. Come on in. Ha, ha.
1081
01:05:49,571 --> 01:05:51,822
Oh, isn't this lovely?
1082
01:05:51,990 --> 01:05:54,408
Thank you. Thank you very much.
1083
01:05:54,576 --> 01:05:57,369
Felix, I'd like you to meet
two elevator acquaintances of mine.
1084
01:05:57,537 --> 01:06:00,497
[OSCAR & WOMEN CHUCKLE]
1085
01:06:00,665 --> 01:06:01,915
Gwendolyn and Cecily.
1086
01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:03,626
No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
1087
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:06,545
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Cecily and Gwendolyn.
1088
01:06:06,713 --> 01:06:09,131
- Don't tell me. Uh, Robin? No.
- No.
1089
01:06:09,299 --> 01:06:11,508
- Cardinal?
- No, wrong both times. It's Pigeon.
1090
01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,927
- Pigeon. Yes. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Ha, ha.
1091
01:06:14,095 --> 01:06:15,846
Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.
1092
01:06:16,014 --> 01:06:17,848
Ha, ha. The Pigeon sisters.
1093
01:06:19,017 --> 01:06:22,311
Or as our friends in Chelsea used to
call us, the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.
1094
01:06:22,479 --> 01:06:24,355
[ALL LAUGH]
1095
01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:26,004
GWENDOLYN: Silly.
OSCAR: I like that.
1096
01:06:26,149 --> 01:06:28,067
GWENDOLYN: Thank you.
1097
01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:32,488
Girls, I'd like you to meet my roommate and
our chef for the evening, Mr. Felix Ungar.
1098
01:06:32,656 --> 01:06:36,784
- How do you do?
FELIX: How do you do?
1099
01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,538
Well, we did that beautifully.
1100
01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:42,748
[ALL CHUCKLE]
1101
01:06:42,916 --> 01:06:44,716
Shall we sit down,
make ourselves comfortable?
1102
01:06:44,876 --> 01:06:48,337
- Yes, I'd love to. Oh, this is so nice.
- Wonderful.
1103
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,172
Perfume.
1104
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:52,633
Look. Shall I sit here?
1105
01:06:52,801 --> 01:06:55,302
- Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.
- I'll sit next to you.
1106
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:56,750
Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres.
1107
01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:58,931
[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGH]
1108
01:06:59,099 --> 01:07:00,641
Oh.
1109
01:07:00,809 --> 01:07:02,059
[OSCAR & WOMEN CHUCKLE]
1110
01:07:02,227 --> 01:07:04,937
Well... Oh.
1111
01:07:05,105 --> 01:07:07,648
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLING]
1112
01:07:09,526 --> 01:07:13,445
- Well, this is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen?
- Yes. Yes, it is. Yes.
1113
01:07:13,613 --> 01:07:16,198
And it's so much neater than our flat.
Do you have help?
1114
01:07:16,741 --> 01:07:19,660
- Yes, I have a man who comes
in every night. CECILY: Oh.
1115
01:07:19,828 --> 01:07:21,995
- Oh.
- Oh, ha, ha. Well, aren't you the lucky one?
1116
01:07:22,163 --> 01:07:24,164
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
1117
01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:29,962
[OSCAR CHUCKLES]
1118
01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:33,882
- Boy, this is really nice.
GWENDOLYN: Yes.
1119
01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:36,885
You know, I was telling Felix only
yesterday how we happened to meet.
1120
01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:39,680
CECILY: Oh.
GWENDOLYN: Oh. Who's Felix?
1121
01:07:39,848 --> 01:07:41,807
- He is.
- Oh, yes, of course.
1122
01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,642
I'm sorry.
1123
01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:46,603
- It happened to us again this morning.
OSCAR: What did?
1124
01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:49,481
- Stuck in the lift again.
OSCAR: No kidding. Just the two of you?
1125
01:07:49,649 --> 01:07:53,360
And poor Mr. Kessler from the third floor.
We were in there nearly half an hour.
1126
01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:54,737
- Is that right? CECILY: Mm.
1127
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,155
Well, what happened?
1128
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:58,031
- Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.
- Ha, ha.
1129
01:07:58,199 --> 01:07:59,616
Oh, honestly.
1130
01:07:59,784 --> 01:08:01,201
Oh, Gwen.
1131
01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:02,995
[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]
1132
01:08:03,163 --> 01:08:04,496
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
1133
01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:11,545
- You're terrible.
- I know.
1134
01:08:15,717 --> 01:08:17,757
- Boy, this is really nice.
CECILY & GWENDOLYN: Yes.
1135
01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:21,305
- And ever so much cooler than our place.
- Oh, yes.
1136
01:08:21,473 --> 01:08:22,514
- Cooler?
- Yes.
1137
01:08:22,682 --> 01:08:25,392
Oh, it's like equatorial Africa
on our side of the building.
1138
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:29,563
Well, last night it was so bad,
Gwen and I sat there in nature's own...
1139
01:08:29,731 --> 01:08:33,525
cooling ourselves in front of the open
fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
1140
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:36,445
- Well, I'm working on it. Ha, ha.
CECILY: Honestly. Ha-ha-ha.
1141
01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:38,864
- Honestly. Ha, ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1142
01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:42,284
Well, no. No, actually,
it's impossible to get a night's sleep.
1143
01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,411
Cece and I don't know what to do about it.
1144
01:08:44,579 --> 01:08:47,664
- Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
- We haven't got one.
1145
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,709
- I know, but we have. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Oh, you.
1146
01:08:50,877 --> 01:08:54,171
Ooh, I told about that one, didn't I?
1147
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,381
[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]
1148
01:09:01,846 --> 01:09:03,222
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
1149
01:09:11,940 --> 01:09:14,566
Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.
1150
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,401
CECILY: Oh?
1151
01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,323
Well, that should cool things off a bit.
1152
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,493
Yes, I wouldn't be surprised.
1153
01:09:24,661 --> 01:09:28,997
- Though, sometimes it gets hotter after it rains.
- Yes, it does, doesn't it?
1154
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:31,725
- Yes. Sometimes it gets a little hotter.
CECILY: Yes, it can do.
1155
01:09:31,835 --> 01:09:33,115
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.
GWENDOLYN: Mm-hm.
1156
01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:36,088
CECILY: Um...
1157
01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,631
- Dinner's served.
- No, it isn't.
1158
01:09:37,799 --> 01:09:39,925
- Yes, it is.
- I'm sure the girls would like...
1159
01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:41,773
to have a cocktail first, wouldn't you?
1160
01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:45,597
- Ooh. Well, I wouldn't put up a struggle.
- There you are. What would you like?
1161
01:09:45,765 --> 01:09:47,933
I don't really know. What have you got?
1162
01:09:48,101 --> 01:09:49,726
- Meat loaf.
- Oh.
1163
01:09:49,894 --> 01:09:51,353
She means to drink.
1164
01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,441
We have everything, and what we don't have,
I mix in the medicine cabinet.
1165
01:09:54,607 --> 01:09:56,608
[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]
1166
01:09:57,902 --> 01:10:00,946
- What will it be?
- Oh. Um...
1167
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,283
- A double vodka.
- Oh, darling, please. Not before dinner. Please.
1168
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:08,829
Oh, my sister, honestly, she watches
over me like a mother hen. Ha, ha.
1169
01:10:08,997 --> 01:10:11,415
- Make it a small double vodka.
- Ha, ha.
1170
01:10:11,583 --> 01:10:14,626
Small double vodka.
And for the beautiful mother hen?
1171
01:10:15,253 --> 01:10:18,922
Ooh. Um... Ooh. Um...
1172
01:10:19,090 --> 01:10:22,968
Well, I think I'd like
something cool. Um...
1173
01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:28,140
What...? I know. I would like
a double Drambuie with crushed ice.
1174
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,934
Unless, of course,
you haven't got the crushed ice.
1175
01:10:31,102 --> 01:10:33,645
I was up all night with a sledgehammer.
1176
01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:35,647
I shall return.
1177
01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:38,358
Uh, excuse... Oscar?
1178
01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:40,485
- Where you going?
- To get the refreshments.
1179
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:44,406
- Inside? What am I gonna do?
- You can finish the weather report.
1180
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,576
FELIX:
Don't forget to look at my meat loaf.
1181
01:11:02,634 --> 01:11:04,343
Well...
1182
01:11:18,149 --> 01:11:19,942
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1183
01:11:26,115 --> 01:11:27,699
Oscar tells me you're sisters.
1184
01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:29,159
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]
1185
01:11:29,327 --> 01:11:30,911
- Yes, that's right.
- From England.
1186
01:11:31,079 --> 01:11:33,246
Yes, yes, that's right.
1187
01:11:33,998 --> 01:11:35,582
I see.
1188
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,917
We're not brothers.
1189
01:11:37,085 --> 01:11:38,877
[ALL LAUGH]
1190
01:11:39,045 --> 01:11:40,545
Yes, we know.
1191
01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:42,547
Yes.
1192
01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:45,509
- Although I am a brother.
- Oh?
1193
01:11:45,677 --> 01:11:47,636
Oh, yeah. I have a brother. He's a doctor.
1194
01:11:47,804 --> 01:11:50,013
Lives in Buffalo. That's upstate New York.
1195
01:11:50,181 --> 01:11:52,307
- Yes. We know.
- You know my brother?
1196
01:11:52,475 --> 01:11:55,852
No. No, we know that Buffalo
is upstate in New York.
1197
01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,062
Oh.
1198
01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:58,271
- Here.
- Thank you.
1199
01:11:58,439 --> 01:11:59,731
- We've been there.
- Oh.
1200
01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:00,941
Have you?
1201
01:12:01,109 --> 01:12:02,509
- No. Is it nice?
- Oh, it's lovely.
1202
01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:04,778
Oh, isn't that interesting?
1203
01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:09,992
- Oh. Ha, ha. OSCAR: Ha, ha.
1204
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,494
Silly me. Thank you.
1205
01:12:25,008 --> 01:12:30,053
How long have you two been in, uh,
the United States of America?
1206
01:12:30,221 --> 01:12:32,180
- Oh. Um, four? Four.
- Four.
1207
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,307
Yes, almost four years now.
1208
01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:39,062
- Just visiting?
- No, no, no. We live here.
1209
01:12:39,230 --> 01:12:40,272
Do you work here too?
1210
01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:41,481
- Yes, yes.
- Oh.
1211
01:12:41,649 --> 01:12:43,734
Yes, we're secretaries for a health club.
1212
01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:47,821
People bring us their bodies,
and we do wonderful things with them.
1213
01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,949
Actually, if you're interested,
we could get you 10 percent off.
1214
01:12:51,117 --> 01:12:52,617
Off the price, not off your body.
1215
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:54,619
[ALL LAUGH]
1216
01:12:54,787 --> 01:12:57,664
- Silly thing. Ha-ha-ha.
- I couldn't help it. Ha-ha-ha.
1217
01:12:57,832 --> 01:13:01,001
Oscar! Where's the drinks? Huh?
1218
01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,462
[ALL CHUCKLING]
1219
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,262
And what field of endeavor
are you engaged in?
1220
01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:14,389
I write the news for television.
1221
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,142
- Oh.
- Oh, fascinating. Mm.
1222
01:13:17,310 --> 01:13:19,478
Where do you get your ideas from?
1223
01:13:24,192 --> 01:13:26,151
From, uh...
1224
01:13:27,153 --> 01:13:28,278
the news.
1225
01:13:28,446 --> 01:13:30,530
- Oh.
- Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.
1226
01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:33,784
Well, maybe you can mention Gwen and I
in one of your news reports. Ha, ha.
1227
01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:36,870
Well, you do something spectacular,
maybe I will.
1228
01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:38,080
BOTH: Oh. Ha, ha.
1229
01:13:38,247 --> 01:13:42,375
We've done spectacular things, but I don't think
we want it spread all over the telly, do you?
1230
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:44,336
Oh, no. Oh, no.
1231
01:13:44,504 --> 01:13:45,629
- Could you imagine?
- Yes.
1232
01:13:45,838 --> 01:13:47,172
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]
1233
01:13:47,340 --> 01:13:48,590
[CHUCKLES]
1234
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,259
Oscar!
1235
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,472
This apartment is so big,
sometimes you have to holler.
1236
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:59,684
- Oh, ha, ha.
- Ah, yes. Well, just you two baches live here?
1237
01:13:59,852 --> 01:14:02,562
Uh, baches?
1238
01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:07,609
Oh, you mean bach...? Bachelors?
Oh, we're not bachelors. We're divorced.
1239
01:14:07,777 --> 01:14:11,029
That is, Oscar's divorced,
and I'm getting, uh...
1240
01:14:12,073 --> 01:14:14,199
- Oh.
- Oh, small world.
1241
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:16,910
We've cut the dinghy loose too,
as they say. Ha, ha.
1242
01:14:17,078 --> 01:14:19,913
Well, you couldn't have a better matched
foursome, could you?
1243
01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,998
I suppose not.
1244
01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,793
Although, technically I am a widow.
1245
01:14:24,961 --> 01:14:27,254
I was divorcing my husband...
1246
01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:31,758
but he died before the final papers
came through.
1247
01:14:31,968 --> 01:14:33,426
Oh.
1248
01:14:35,012 --> 01:14:37,889
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it?
1249
01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,851
Oh, it can be
if you haven't got the right solicitor.
1250
01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:42,060
Now, that's true.
1251
01:14:42,228 --> 01:14:43,979
Sometimes it can drag out for months.
1252
01:14:44,147 --> 01:14:46,648
I was lucky. Snip, cut, and I was free.
1253
01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:52,237
Oh, but of course, that's all water
under the bridge now, isn't it?
1254
01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:54,614
Um... Uh...
1255
01:14:54,782 --> 01:14:57,909
I'm terribly sorry.
I think I've forgotten your name.
1256
01:14:58,077 --> 01:14:59,536
- Felix.
- Yes, of course. Felix.
1257
01:14:59,704 --> 01:15:01,504
- Like the cat. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Ha-ha-ha.
1258
01:15:01,622 --> 01:15:02,914
Cat. Ha, ha.
1259
01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:06,084
Oh, well, the Pigeons
will have to beware of the cat, won't they?
1260
01:15:06,252 --> 01:15:08,003
- Woo-hoo.
- That's terrible. Quit it.
1261
01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:09,337
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]
1262
01:15:09,505 --> 01:15:11,631
Ha, ha. Here.
1263
01:15:12,383 --> 01:15:14,384
That's the worst part about breaking up.
1264
01:15:14,552 --> 01:15:16,553
- Oh.
- Oh.
1265
01:15:17,221 --> 01:15:18,847
Childhood sweethearts, were you?
1266
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:23,143
No. That's my little boy and girl.
He's 7, and she's 5.
1267
01:15:23,311 --> 01:15:26,062
- Oh, sweet.
- Oh, sweet. Oh.
1268
01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:27,564
They live with their mother.
1269
01:15:27,732 --> 01:15:30,317
Oh. I imagine you must miss them terribly.
1270
01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:34,779
I can't stand being away from them,
but that's what happens with divorce.
1271
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,240
- When do you get to see them?
- Every night.
1272
01:15:37,408 --> 01:15:40,660
I drop by on the way home,
and I take them on weekends.
1273
01:15:40,828 --> 01:15:44,623
- And I get them on holidays, July and August.
- Oh.
1274
01:15:44,790 --> 01:15:48,293
- Well, when is it that you miss them?
- Whenever I'm not there.
1275
01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:51,922
If they didn't have to go to school
so early, I'd make them breakfast.
1276
01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:56,009
- They love my French toast.
- Oh. Well, you certainly are a devoted father.
1277
01:15:56,177 --> 01:15:59,012
- It's Frances who's the wonderful one.
- She's the little girl?
1278
01:15:59,180 --> 01:16:02,140
- No, she's the mother, my wife.
- What, the one you're divorcing?
1279
01:16:02,308 --> 01:16:04,768
Yeah. She's done a terrific job
in bringing them up.
1280
01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:09,689
They always look so nice, so polite. Speak
beautifully. Never "yeah," always "yes."
1281
01:16:09,857 --> 01:16:12,108
- Oh, isn't that lovely?
- Such good kids.
1282
01:16:12,276 --> 01:16:14,527
And she's done it all. She's...
1283
01:16:14,695 --> 01:16:18,073
She's a wonderful woman.
She's the kind of a woman who...
1284
01:16:18,241 --> 01:16:20,742
What am I doing?
You're not interested in any of this.
1285
01:16:20,910 --> 01:16:22,369
Why, nonsense.
1286
01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:24,496
You've a right to be proud.
1287
01:16:24,664 --> 01:16:27,874
You have two beautiful children
and a wonderful ex-wife.
1288
01:16:28,834 --> 01:16:30,543
Here's Frances. See?
1289
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:33,755
- Oh. Oh, she is pretty.
- Yeah.
1290
01:16:33,923 --> 01:16:37,092
- Isn't she pretty, Cecy?
- Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.
1291
01:16:37,260 --> 01:16:39,636
- She is pretty. Here, isn't that nice?
- Very pretty.
1292
01:16:41,138 --> 01:16:42,338
There's no one in the picture.
1293
01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:44,307
- That's a picture of our living room.
- Ah.
1294
01:16:44,475 --> 01:16:47,978
- We had a beautiful apartment.
- Oh, it is. It's pretty. It's very pretty.
1295
01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,688
Those are lovely lamps.
1296
01:16:49,855 --> 01:16:52,899
Oh, thank you. We got those in Mexico...
1297
01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:54,943
on our honeymoon.
1298
01:16:56,112 --> 01:16:58,405
Gee, I used to love to come home at night.
1299
01:16:58,572 --> 01:17:00,532
That was my whole life.
1300
01:17:00,700 --> 01:17:03,493
My wife and my kids and my apartment.
1301
01:17:08,457 --> 01:17:10,083
Well...
1302
01:17:13,004 --> 01:17:16,172
Does she have the lamps now too?
1303
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,507
Oh, yes. Sure.
1304
01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:18,800
I gave her everything.
1305
01:17:19,302 --> 01:17:20,969
My children...
1306
01:17:21,345 --> 01:17:23,263
and the lamps.
1307
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:28,601
I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I didn't mean to get emotional.
1308
01:17:30,896 --> 01:17:32,731
Would you like some potato chips?
1309
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:34,899
[FELIX SOBBING]
1310
01:17:36,277 --> 01:17:38,695
Oh, please.
1311
01:17:38,863 --> 01:17:41,489
Please, you mustn't be ashamed.
1312
01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:45,201
No, I think... I think it's a rare quality
in a man to be able to cry.
1313
01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:46,745
So do I.
1314
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:51,207
I think it's sweet.
Terribly, terribly sweet.
1315
01:17:51,375 --> 01:17:53,418
Please, because you're
just making it worse.
1316
01:17:53,586 --> 01:17:58,715
No. No, it's so refreshing to hear a man
speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing.
1317
01:17:58,883 --> 01:17:59,924
[FELIX SOBBING]
1318
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:02,552
Oh. Oh, dear.
1319
01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:05,221
Now you've got me thinking
about poor Sydney.
1320
01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:06,723
Oh, Gwen, please.
1321
01:18:06,891 --> 01:18:09,809
No. Well, it was a good marriage at first,
wasn't it?
1322
01:18:09,977 --> 01:18:11,102
Yes.
1323
01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:14,147
Everybody said so, didn't they?
1324
01:18:14,315 --> 01:18:15,857
Not like you and George.
1325
01:18:16,025 --> 01:18:17,817
No, that's right.
1326
01:18:17,985 --> 01:18:20,278
George and I were never happy.
1327
01:18:20,446 --> 01:18:24,115
Not for one single, solitary day.
1328
01:18:24,283 --> 01:18:25,909
[ALL SOBBING]
1329
01:18:26,077 --> 01:18:28,953
- This is ridiculous.
- I don't know what brought this on.
1330
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:31,664
I was feeling so good a few minutes ago.
1331
01:18:31,832 --> 01:18:35,585
I haven't cried since I was 14.
1332
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,883
Is everybody happy?
1333
01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:44,052
[FELIX & WOMEN SOBBING]
1334
01:18:49,100 --> 01:18:51,226
- What the hell happened?
FELIX: Nothing, nothing.
1335
01:18:51,394 --> 01:18:54,437
Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,
and I walk into a funeral parlor.
1336
01:18:54,605 --> 01:18:58,149
- What'd you say to them?
- I didn't say anything. Don't start in on me.
1337
01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:00,235
I can't leave you alone for five seconds.
1338
01:19:00,403 --> 01:19:03,613
If you really wanna cry, go in the
kitchen and look at your meat loaf.
1339
01:19:03,781 --> 01:19:05,824
Well, why didn't you call me?
1340
01:19:07,618 --> 01:19:12,372
Girls, I'm terribly sorry. Really, I am.
I forgot to warn you about Felix.
1341
01:19:12,540 --> 01:19:15,333
He's a walking soap opera. Ha, ha.
1342
01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:19,379
I think he's the dearest
thing I've ever met.
1343
01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:22,799
He's so sensitive, so fragile.
1344
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:29,389
I just want to bundle him up in my arms
and take care of him.
1345
01:19:29,557 --> 01:19:31,558
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN SOBBING]
1346
01:19:36,939 --> 01:19:40,442
I think when he comes out of that kitchen,
you may have to.
1347
01:19:42,236 --> 01:19:44,446
We better get some corned-beef sandwiches.
1348
01:19:44,864 --> 01:19:47,615
No, wait, Felix.
1349
01:19:47,783 --> 01:19:49,909
Maybe we can salvage it.
1350
01:19:50,077 --> 01:19:51,597
FELIX: What?
OSCAR: Yeah, let's see it.
1351
01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:54,581
See it? See what? Four dollars and
eighty cents' worth of ashes?
1352
01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:57,083
I'd throw it down the incinerator,
but it won't burn twice.
1353
01:19:57,251 --> 01:19:58,418
Oh.
1354
01:20:01,422 --> 01:20:03,756
I've got a wonderful idea.
1355
01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,759
- Why don't we eat up at our place?
- That's a wonderful idea.
1356
01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:10,180
CECILY: Yes, if you don't mind taking potluck.
- I'm crazy about potluck.
1357
01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:13,308
It's awfully hot up there.
You'll have to take off your jackets.
1358
01:20:13,476 --> 01:20:15,185
We can always open up a refrigerator.
1359
01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:17,729
Give us five minutes
to get into our cooking things.
1360
01:20:17,897 --> 01:20:20,773
Five minutes? Can't you make it four?
I'm starving to death.
1361
01:20:20,941 --> 01:20:23,568
- Oh. Don't forget the wine.
- How could I forget the wine?
1362
01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:25,069
- And a corkscrew.
- Corkscrew.
1363
01:20:25,237 --> 01:20:26,797
- And Felix.
- No, I won't forget Felix.
1364
01:20:26,864 --> 01:20:27,906
CECILY & GWENDOLYN: Ta-ta.
1365
01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:31,367
ALL: Ta-ta.
1366
01:20:32,244 --> 01:20:36,915
Ah, you bet your sweet
little crumpets, ta-ta.
1367
01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:40,460
Felix, baby, I love you. Mwah.
1368
01:20:40,628 --> 01:20:43,129
You just overcooked us
into one hell of a night.
1369
01:20:43,297 --> 01:20:47,008
- Come on, get the ice bucket. I got the wine.
- I'm not going.
1370
01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:50,428
- Huh?
- I said, I'm not going.
1371
01:20:50,596 --> 01:20:52,430
Are you out of your mind?
1372
01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:55,058
You know what's waiting for us up there?
1373
01:20:55,643 --> 01:20:57,810
You've just been invited
to spend the evening...
1374
01:20:57,978 --> 01:21:00,813
in a two-bedroom hothouse
with the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.
1375
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,565
What do you mean you're not going?
1376
01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:06,528
I've nothing left to say to them. I already
told them about my brother in Buffalo.
1377
01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:10,865
- I've used up all my conversation.
- Felix, Felix, they are crazy about you.
1378
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:13,535
They're nuts about you.
I'm telling you, they told me.
1379
01:21:13,702 --> 01:21:16,538
One of them wants to wrap you up
and make a bundle out of you.
1380
01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:19,165
You're doing better than I am.
Get the ice bucket.
1381
01:21:19,333 --> 01:21:22,001
Don't you understand?
I cried in front of two women.
1382
01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:25,213
And they loved it.
I'm thinking of getting hysterical.
1383
01:21:25,381 --> 01:21:27,882
- Come on, will you get the ice bucket?
- Don't you see?
1384
01:21:28,050 --> 01:21:30,385
I'm still emotionally tied to Frances
and the kids.
1385
01:21:30,553 --> 01:21:34,764
I don't wanna talk to you about it anymore.
I'm gonna scrub the pots and wash my hair.
1386
01:21:36,392 --> 01:21:39,644
Your pots and your hair can wait.
You're coming upstairs with me.
1387
01:21:39,812 --> 01:21:41,813
I'm not going.
1388
01:21:41,981 --> 01:21:44,399
What am I gonna do up there with two girls?
1389
01:21:44,567 --> 01:21:49,904
Felix. Felix, if I miss this opportunity,
I'll never forgive you.
1390
01:21:52,783 --> 01:21:55,827
You're not gonna make any effort to change?
1391
01:21:55,995 --> 01:21:59,122
This is the person you're gonna be
until the day you die?
1392
01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:04,210
We are what we are.
1393
01:22:25,482 --> 01:22:29,444
It's 12 floors, not 11!
1394
01:23:48,107 --> 01:23:50,108
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
1395
01:24:05,416 --> 01:24:07,417
[WHISTLING]
1396
01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,549
[CORD CRACKS & FELIX YELLS]
1397
01:25:38,717 --> 01:25:40,718
[POTS CRASHING]
1398
01:25:47,184 --> 01:25:49,185
[WHISTLING]
1399
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:55,900
MAN [ON TV]: Hello, sports fans.
1400
01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:58,736
Well, speculation is running high
among Yankee followers...
1401
01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:02,740
as to the possibility of trading away
the great right-hander, Hank Moonjean...
1402
01:26:02,908 --> 01:26:07,578
for three unknown young players
and an undetermined amount of cash.
1403
01:26:07,746 --> 01:26:11,749
Moonjean has racked up 10 wins against
only three losses so far this year...
1404
01:26:11,917 --> 01:26:15,294
which is, incidentally,
high for both leagues.
1405
01:26:15,462 --> 01:26:20,091
It looks to this reporter that the Yankee
office will be bombarded by many protests...
1406
01:26:27,474 --> 01:26:28,724
[GROANS]
1407
01:26:28,892 --> 01:26:30,142
[CLEARS THROAT]
1408
01:27:07,431 --> 01:27:09,724
- How long is this gonna go on?
- You talking to me?
1409
01:27:09,892 --> 01:27:12,184
- Yeah I'm talking to you.
- What do you wanna know?
1410
01:27:12,352 --> 01:27:15,229
If you're gonna spend the rest of your life
not talking to me.
1411
01:27:15,397 --> 01:27:16,917
And if you are, I'm gonna get a radio.
1412
01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:18,649
[CHUCKLES]
1413
01:27:18,817 --> 01:27:21,235
You had your chance to talk last night.
1414
01:27:21,403 --> 01:27:23,362
I begged you to come upstairs with me.
1415
01:27:23,530 --> 01:27:26,198
Here. Here's a key to the back door.
1416
01:27:26,366 --> 01:27:29,493
Now, you stick to the hallway and your room
and you won't get hurt.
1417
01:27:29,661 --> 01:27:32,163
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that if you wanna live here...
1418
01:27:32,331 --> 01:27:36,542
I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna
hear you, I don't wanna smell your cooking.
1419
01:27:36,710 --> 01:27:40,713
Now, kindly remove that spaghetti
from my poker table.
1420
01:27:40,881 --> 01:27:42,882
[FELIX CHUCKLING]
1421
01:27:44,426 --> 01:27:47,386
- What the hell is so funny?
- It's not spaghetti. It's linguine.
1422
01:27:47,554 --> 01:27:49,555
[FELIX CHUCKLING]
1423
01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:01,984
Now it's garbage.
1424
01:28:13,664 --> 01:28:15,331
You're crazy.
1425
01:28:15,624 --> 01:28:17,333
I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.
1426
01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:21,087
I'm crazy, huh? That's really funny
coming from a fruitcake like you.
1427
01:28:21,713 --> 01:28:24,757
- Uh-huh. I'm not cleaning that up.
- Is that a promise?
1428
01:28:24,925 --> 01:28:27,635
Did you hear what I said?
I'm not cleaning that up.
1429
01:28:27,803 --> 01:28:29,470
That's your mess.
1430
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:32,682
Look at it. Look at it.
It's hanging all over the wall.
1431
01:28:35,602 --> 01:28:37,353
I like it.
1432
01:28:38,480 --> 01:28:40,815
You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you?
1433
01:28:40,983 --> 01:28:45,528
Just let it hang until it got all hard
and brown and...
1434
01:28:45,696 --> 01:28:48,155
Yuck. It's disgusting.
1435
01:28:48,323 --> 01:28:51,325
- Well, I'm cleaning it.
- Leave that alone. You leave that alone.
1436
01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:55,579
You touch one strand of that linguine and
I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses.
1437
01:28:55,747 --> 01:28:59,166
You better pull yourself...
Hey, Oscar, come on, now.
1438
01:28:59,876 --> 01:29:03,629
- Listen, why don't you just take a tranquilizer?
- Go to your room.
1439
01:29:03,797 --> 01:29:07,008
- I said, go to your room.
- Let's just all settle down, huh?
1440
01:29:11,221 --> 01:29:13,973
I'm warning you, Felix.
You wanna live through this night...
1441
01:29:14,141 --> 01:29:18,394
you'd better keep this door locked.
And lock your windows too!
1442
01:29:49,926 --> 01:29:52,636
All right, Oscar,
I'd like to know what's happened.
1443
01:29:54,556 --> 01:29:57,224
- What's happened?
- Something made you go off the deep end.
1444
01:29:57,392 --> 01:29:59,602
Is it something I said or something I did?
1445
01:30:00,020 --> 01:30:02,980
Nothing you said, noth...
Don't start me, Felix.
1446
01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:06,525
Oscar, what is it? Is it the cooking
or the cleaning? The crying?
1447
01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:10,446
I'll tell you exactly what it is.
It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying.
1448
01:30:10,614 --> 01:30:12,323
It's the talking in your sleep.
1449
01:30:12,491 --> 01:30:16,077
It's those moose calls that open your ears
at 2:00 in the morning.
1450
01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:18,245
[BELLOWING]
1451
01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:23,334
I can't take it anymore, Felix.
I'm cracking up.
1452
01:30:23,502 --> 01:30:25,294
Everything you do irritates me.
1453
01:30:25,837 --> 01:30:30,257
And when you're not here, the things I know
you're gonna do when you come in irritate me.
1454
01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:32,718
You leave me little notes on my pillow.
1455
01:30:32,886 --> 01:30:38,265
I've told you 158 times,
I cannot stand little notes on my pillow.
1456
01:30:38,433 --> 01:30:40,309
"We are all out of cornflakes. F.U."
1457
01:30:40,477 --> 01:30:44,605
Took me three hours to figure out
that F.U. Was Felix Ungar.
1458
01:30:54,616 --> 01:30:58,244
It's not your fault, Felix.
It's a rotten combination, that's all.
1459
01:30:58,620 --> 01:31:00,246
Yeah. I get the picture.
1460
01:31:00,872 --> 01:31:03,707
I haven't even painted the picture yet.
1461
01:31:04,000 --> 01:31:06,794
I got a typewritten list in my office...
1462
01:31:06,962 --> 01:31:10,297
of the 10 most aggravating things you do
that drive me berserk...
1463
01:31:10,465 --> 01:31:12,424
but last night was the topper.
1464
01:31:12,592 --> 01:31:18,639
Oh, brother, that was the topper,
that was the ever-loving lulu of all times.
1465
01:31:19,057 --> 01:31:21,684
I had it set up with that English
Betty Boop and her sister...
1466
01:31:21,852 --> 01:31:25,229
and I wind up drinking tea all night
and telling them your life story.
1467
01:31:25,397 --> 01:31:28,149
Don't blame me for that.
I warned you not to make that date.
1468
01:31:28,316 --> 01:31:30,401
Don't point that at me
unless you intend to use it.
1469
01:31:30,569 --> 01:31:32,862
Get off of my back, Oscar. Get off. Off.
1470
01:31:33,196 --> 01:31:34,738
What's this, a display of temper?
1471
01:31:34,906 --> 01:31:38,742
I haven't seen you angry since the day
I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter.
1472
01:31:39,452 --> 01:31:41,745
You're asking to hear something
I don't wanna say.
1473
01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:43,873
But if I do say it, I
think you ought to hear.
1474
01:31:44,040 --> 01:31:47,877
You got anything on your chest
besides your chin, you better get it off.
1475
01:31:48,044 --> 01:31:50,254
All right! Then you asked for it!
1476
01:31:50,672 --> 01:31:53,841
You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.
You've done everything for me.
1477
01:31:54,009 --> 01:31:56,719
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what would've happened.
1478
01:31:56,887 --> 01:32:00,848
You took me in, you gave me a place to
live, you gave me something to live for.
1479
01:32:01,016 --> 01:32:04,101
I'm never gonna forget you for that, Oscar.
1480
01:32:04,269 --> 01:32:06,896
You're tops with me.
1481
01:32:11,193 --> 01:32:13,444
If I've just been told off,
I may have missed it.
1482
01:32:13,904 --> 01:32:15,613
It's coming.
1483
01:32:16,323 --> 01:32:18,616
You're also one of the biggest slobs
in the world.
1484
01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,618
- I see.
- Totally unreliable...
1485
01:32:20,785 --> 01:32:22,953
- Is that it?
- Undependable and irresponsible.
1486
01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:26,624
- Keep going, you're hot.
- No, you've been told off. How do you like that?
1487
01:32:26,791 --> 01:32:28,834
Good. Good.
1488
01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:30,878
Because now...
1489
01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,007
I'm gonna tell you off.
1490
01:32:35,175 --> 01:32:37,509
For six months,
I've lived alone in this apartment.
1491
01:32:37,677 --> 01:32:39,386
All alone in eight big rooms.
1492
01:32:39,554 --> 01:32:42,473
I was dejected, despondent and disgusted...
1493
01:32:42,641 --> 01:32:46,769
and then you moved in,
my closest and dearest friend.
1494
01:32:46,937 --> 01:32:50,189
[IN STRAINED VOICE] And after three weeks
of close personal contact...
1495
01:32:50,357 --> 01:32:53,025
I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
1496
01:32:53,193 --> 01:32:56,237
Do me a favor, will you, Felix?
Move into the kitchen.
1497
01:32:56,404 --> 01:32:59,615
Live with your pots, your pans,
your ladles, your meat thermometers.
1498
01:32:59,783 --> 01:33:04,703
When you wanna come out, just ring a bell
and I'll run into the bedroom.
1499
01:33:05,288 --> 01:33:08,374
I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend.
1500
01:33:08,541 --> 01:33:10,876
Stay out of my way.
1501
01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:17,091
Walk on the paper.
I washed the floor in there.
1502
01:33:26,226 --> 01:33:28,477
Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.
1503
01:33:29,437 --> 01:33:32,523
Hey, Oscar. Oscar, stay away from me.
Oscar! Oscar, cut it out!
1504
01:33:32,691 --> 01:33:34,771
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This is the day I'm gonna kill you.
1505
01:33:34,901 --> 01:33:36,061
- Oscar!
- I'm gonna kill you.
1506
01:33:36,111 --> 01:33:37,820
No! Oscar!
1507
01:33:45,412 --> 01:33:47,413
- Oscar.
- I'm gonna kill you.
1508
01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:50,165
You hit me, you've got yourself
one sweet lawsuit, boy.
1509
01:33:50,333 --> 01:33:51,375
[DOGS GROWL]
1510
01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,627
Those dogs should be on a leash.
1511
01:33:58,425 --> 01:34:02,720
- Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?
- First you'll bleed, then we'll talk.
1512
01:34:04,639 --> 01:34:07,141
I got you now.
There's no place for you to go but down.
1513
01:34:07,309 --> 01:34:10,728
Are you out of your mind? If you wanna
fight, let's go to the living room.
1514
01:34:10,895 --> 01:34:14,690
I don't want you in my living room. I don't
want you in my bedroom, my bathroom...
1515
01:34:14,858 --> 01:34:18,402
my kitchen, my elevator, my hall
or my building. I don't want you at all.
1516
01:34:18,570 --> 01:34:20,279
- What?
- It's over. The whole marriage.
1517
01:34:20,447 --> 01:34:21,697
We're getting an annulment.
1518
01:34:21,865 --> 01:34:24,533
Don't you understand?
I don't wanna live with you anymore!
1519
01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:28,954
I want you to pack up your things, tie
it up in Saran wrap and get out of here!
1520
01:34:29,122 --> 01:34:32,082
- You mean actually move out?
- Actually, physically, immediately.
1521
01:34:32,250 --> 01:34:34,543
- You mean move out this minute?
- Yes, this minute.
1522
01:34:34,711 --> 01:34:37,212
If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it.
1523
01:34:42,552 --> 01:34:44,720
You know,
I've got a good mind to really leave.
1524
01:34:47,140 --> 01:34:48,932
Why doesn't he hear me?
1525
01:34:49,100 --> 01:34:51,769
I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.
1526
01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:54,980
- Because if you really want me to go, I'll go.
- Then go!
1527
01:34:55,148 --> 01:34:58,650
I want you to go, so go!
When are you going?
1528
01:34:58,818 --> 01:35:00,402
[SCOFFS]
1529
01:35:00,570 --> 01:35:02,780
You're in a bigger hurry than Frances was.
1530
01:35:02,947 --> 01:35:06,992
Take as much time as she gave you.
I want you to follow your usual routine.
1531
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:12,331
- In other words, you're throwing me out.
- Not in other words, those are the perfect ones!
1532
01:35:12,957 --> 01:35:15,334
All right.
I just wanted to get the record straight.
1533
01:35:15,502 --> 01:35:18,921
- Let it be on your conscience.
- Let what be on my conscience?
1534
01:35:19,631 --> 01:35:24,051
I'm perfectly willing to stay here and clear the
air of our differences, but you refuse, right?
1535
01:35:24,219 --> 01:35:26,136
Right. I'm tired of you clearing the air.
1536
01:35:26,304 --> 01:35:28,138
- That's why I want you to leave.
- Good.
1537
01:35:28,306 --> 01:35:31,433
But remember,
what happens to me is your responsibility.
1538
01:35:31,601 --> 01:35:35,062
- Let it be on your head.
- Let what be on my head?
1539
01:35:35,230 --> 01:35:38,440
Wait a minute. Why can't you get thrown out
like a decent human being?
1540
01:35:38,608 --> 01:35:41,944
Let what be on my head? Huh?
1541
01:35:53,540 --> 01:35:57,626
I'm leaving now,
according to your wishes and desires.
1542
01:35:57,794 --> 01:36:01,588
Either I'll come back and get the rest
of my clothes or someone else will.
1543
01:36:05,301 --> 01:36:09,555
You are not going anyplace
until you take it back.
1544
01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:12,641
- Take what back?
- "Let it be on your head."
1545
01:36:12,892 --> 01:36:15,227
What the hell is that,
the Curse of the Cat People?
1546
01:36:16,146 --> 01:36:20,315
- I can't leave if you're blocking the door.
- Is this how you left that night with Frances?
1547
01:36:20,483 --> 01:36:24,194
No wonder she wanted your room repainted.
I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze.
1548
01:36:25,530 --> 01:36:27,990
Would you get out of the way, please?
1549
01:36:53,224 --> 01:36:55,058
Uh, where will you go?
1550
01:36:57,187 --> 01:36:59,062
Oh, come on, Oscar.
1551
01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,857
You're not really interested, are you?
1552
01:37:04,903 --> 01:37:07,946
All right, Felix, you win.
We'll try to iron it out.
1553
01:37:08,114 --> 01:37:09,573
Come back, Felix.
1554
01:37:09,741 --> 01:37:11,450
Felix.
1555
01:37:11,910 --> 01:37:13,869
Felix, come back!
1556
01:37:14,037 --> 01:37:15,829
Don't leave me like this!
1557
01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:18,415
I'm telling you, I'm worried.
1558
01:37:18,583 --> 01:37:20,834
I know Felix.
He's gonna try something crazy.
1559
01:37:21,002 --> 01:37:23,712
- You just threw him out?
- That's right, I threw him out.
1560
01:37:23,880 --> 01:37:26,381
It was my decision. I admit it.
Let it be on my head.
1561
01:37:26,549 --> 01:37:29,593
VINNIE: Let what be on your head?
- How should I know? Felix put it there.
1562
01:37:29,761 --> 01:37:30,928
He's out there somewhere.
1563
01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:33,680
He was driving us crazy with his napkins
and ashtrays...
1564
01:37:33,848 --> 01:37:36,808
and bacon, lettuce and tomato
sandwiches. All of you said so.
1565
01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:40,562
- We didn't say kick him out.
- Who do you think I did it for? I did it for us.
1566
01:37:40,730 --> 01:37:41,772
- Us?
- Yes, that's right.
1567
01:37:41,940 --> 01:37:45,901
You know what he was planning for next Friday
night's poker game as a change of pace?
1568
01:37:46,069 --> 01:37:47,509
- Do you have any idea?
VINNIE: What?
1569
01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:51,990
A luau. An Hawaiian luau.
Roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs.
1570
01:37:52,158 --> 01:37:55,410
- They don't play poker like that in
Honolulu. SPEED: He's out there alone.
1571
01:37:55,578 --> 01:37:56,620
Now I'm really worried.
1572
01:37:56,788 --> 01:37:59,289
Why don't we stop worrying
and start looking? Come on.
1573
01:37:59,457 --> 01:38:01,333
How we gonna find him? It's a big city.
1574
01:38:01,501 --> 01:38:05,420
"It's a big city." We'll look for a guy
with a suitcase who's crying.
1575
01:38:05,588 --> 01:38:06,838
Come on.
1576
01:38:19,686 --> 01:38:21,645
They're not gonna like this at the station.
1577
01:38:21,813 --> 01:38:24,493
You're not supposed to look
for a missing person with a missing car.
1578
01:38:24,649 --> 01:38:26,692
So take it out of my taxes.
1579
01:38:26,859 --> 01:38:29,319
We'll try his apartment first.
1580
01:38:36,536 --> 01:38:40,581
Well, Frances hasn't heard from him since
he called to get her recipe for meat loaf.
1581
01:38:40,748 --> 01:38:42,082
MURRAY: Where to now?
1582
01:38:42,250 --> 01:38:43,875
Cruise along Riverside Drive.
1583
01:38:44,043 --> 01:38:45,877
This is crazy, Oscar.
1584
01:38:46,045 --> 01:38:49,381
- Why don't we call the cops?
- Drive the car.
1585
01:38:58,474 --> 01:38:59,975
Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
1586
01:39:01,227 --> 01:39:04,521
Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.
1587
01:39:12,405 --> 01:39:14,197
We already combed the whole west side.
1588
01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,867
Why don't we go back
and wait to hear something?
1589
01:39:17,035 --> 01:39:18,869
Because I'm afraid we'll hear something.
1590
01:39:19,037 --> 01:39:21,538
- The poor guy.
- Will you stop saying "the poor guy"?
1591
01:39:21,706 --> 01:39:24,166
What about me?
I got this lousy curse on my head.
1592
01:39:24,334 --> 01:39:26,126
Aw, let's go back, Oscar. He'll show up.
1593
01:39:26,502 --> 01:39:28,754
I know him, he'll kill
himself just to spite me.
1594
01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:31,965
Then his ghost will come back,
following me around the apartment...
1595
01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:35,385
haunting and cleaning, haunting
and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.
1596
01:39:37,305 --> 01:39:40,390
Come on, Oscar, play a few hands.
It'll take your mind off Felix.
1597
01:39:40,558 --> 01:39:43,018
Then stop mentioning his name.
1598
01:39:44,145 --> 01:39:46,813
I know what you're all thinking,
but you're wrong.
1599
01:39:47,273 --> 01:39:49,107
It's his fault, not mine.
1600
01:39:49,275 --> 01:39:52,611
He never shouldn't have moved in here.
He should've stayed with Blanche.
1601
01:39:52,779 --> 01:39:54,655
- Why should he?
- Because it's his wife.
1602
01:39:54,822 --> 01:39:58,200
No, Blanche is your wife.
His wife is Frances.
1603
01:39:58,576 --> 01:40:02,037
What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
The game is over. Give me my cards.
1604
01:40:02,205 --> 01:40:04,706
- I don't wanna play anymore.
- We didn't even start.
1605
01:40:04,874 --> 01:40:08,377
I'm not gonna worry about him. Why
should I? He's not worrying about me.
1606
01:40:08,544 --> 01:40:12,422
He's out in the streets somewhere crying
and sulking and having a wonderful time.
1607
01:40:12,590 --> 01:40:15,509
- I think I smell spaghetti.
- It's not spaghetti, it's linguine.
1608
01:40:15,677 --> 01:40:17,219
Don't you care what happens to Felix?
1609
01:40:17,387 --> 01:40:20,347
- Thought you weren't worried.
- I'm not worried, damn it. I'm not worried.
1610
01:40:20,390 --> 01:40:21,556
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
1611
01:40:21,724 --> 01:40:24,434
- That's him. I'll bet that's him.
- I told you he'd be back.
1612
01:40:24,602 --> 01:40:27,854
Open the door. Everybody play cards
like nothing happened, okay?
1613
01:40:28,022 --> 01:40:30,482
- Just deal them out.
- All right.
1614
01:40:30,942 --> 01:40:32,150
Okay, open the door.
1615
01:40:34,696 --> 01:40:38,240
VINNIE: Oh. Hello.
- How do you do?
1616
01:40:39,283 --> 01:40:41,743
- Oh, hello there, Cecily.
- Gwendolyn.
1617
01:40:41,911 --> 01:40:43,578
Please, gentlemen, don't stand up.
1618
01:40:43,746 --> 01:40:48,083
- May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison?
- Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn.
1619
01:40:48,626 --> 01:40:51,002
What's, uh...? What's the matter?
1620
01:40:52,463 --> 01:40:54,047
I think you know.
1621
01:40:54,215 --> 01:40:56,341
I've come for Felix's things.
1622
01:41:04,726 --> 01:41:07,894
- You mean my Felix?
- Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar.
1623
01:41:08,062 --> 01:41:11,022
That sweet, tortured man
who's in my flat at this moment...
1624
01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:13,316
pouring his heart out to my sister.
1625
01:41:13,484 --> 01:41:14,651
CECILY: Gwen?
1626
01:41:14,819 --> 01:41:18,947
Gwen. Felix doesn't want to stay.
Please tell him to stay.
1627
01:41:19,115 --> 01:41:22,659
Please, girls, this is embarrassing.
I can go to a hotel. How are you, Vinnie?
1628
01:41:22,827 --> 01:41:25,027
GWENDOLYN: Nonsense. There's
plenty of room on the sofa.
1629
01:41:25,163 --> 01:41:26,997
I'll be in the way. Won't I be in the way?
1630
01:41:27,165 --> 01:41:30,625
- How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
- Wanna see a typewritten list?
1631
01:41:30,793 --> 01:41:32,294
Haven't you said enough already?
1632
01:41:32,462 --> 01:41:35,297
- Please. Please. Just for a few days?
- Until you get settled.
1633
01:41:35,465 --> 01:41:38,925
- Please say yes.
- Oh, please. We'd be so happy.
1634
01:41:40,344 --> 01:41:43,013
- Well, maybe just for a few days.
- Oh, that's marvelous.
1635
01:41:43,181 --> 01:41:45,015
Good. Then get the rest of your things.
1636
01:41:45,183 --> 01:41:47,184
- We'll go clean the house.
- And cook dinner.
1637
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:50,645
GWENDOLYN: It'll be so nice to have a man
about the house again. Come on, Cecy.
1638
01:41:50,813 --> 01:41:53,648
Good night, gentlemen.
So sorry to interrupt your bridge game.
1639
01:41:53,816 --> 01:41:55,233
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
1640
01:41:55,401 --> 01:41:56,943
WOMEN & FELIX: Ta-ta.
1641
01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:58,945
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]
1642
01:42:02,742 --> 01:42:04,826
[CHUCKLES]
1643
01:42:04,994 --> 01:42:06,536
Ah.
1644
01:42:08,831 --> 01:42:10,832
[FELIX HUMMING]
1645
01:42:16,756 --> 01:42:21,551
- What'd I tell you? It's always the quiet guys.
- Gee, what nice girls.
1646
01:42:24,764 --> 01:42:26,765
[HUMMING]
1647
01:42:29,101 --> 01:42:30,143
- Hey, Felix.
- Huh?
1648
01:42:30,311 --> 01:42:32,111
Felix, are you really
gonna move in with them?
1649
01:42:32,271 --> 01:42:34,791
Just for a couple of days,
you know, until I can get my own pad.
1650
01:42:34,941 --> 01:42:36,274
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1651
01:42:36,442 --> 01:42:38,151
- Aren't you gonna thank me?
- For what?
1652
01:42:38,319 --> 01:42:41,599
The two greatest things I've ever done for
you. Taking you in and throwing you out.
1653
01:42:41,739 --> 01:42:42,781
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
1654
01:42:42,949 --> 01:42:46,159
Oscar, you're right. Getting thrown
out twice is enough for any man.
1655
01:42:46,327 --> 01:42:48,537
In gratitude, I remove the curse.
1656
01:42:48,704 --> 01:42:50,705
Bless you and thank you,
Wicked Witch of the North.
1657
01:42:50,873 --> 01:42:51,915
[PHONE RINGING]
1658
01:42:52,083 --> 01:42:53,250
Yup. It's probably the girls.
1659
01:42:53,417 --> 01:42:56,086
MURRAY: Hello.
- They hate it when I'm late for cocktails.
1660
01:42:56,254 --> 01:42:57,295
It's your wife.
1661
01:42:57,505 --> 01:43:00,173
Oh. Um...
1662
01:43:00,341 --> 01:43:03,718
Do me a favor, Murray.
Tell her I can't talk to her right now.
1663
01:43:03,886 --> 01:43:06,888
Tell her I'll call in a couple days.
We have a lot to talk about.
1664
01:43:07,056 --> 01:43:08,890
Tell her if I sound different to her...
1665
01:43:09,058 --> 01:43:11,810
it's because I'm not the same man
she threw out three weeks ago.
1666
01:43:11,978 --> 01:43:16,398
- Heh. Tell her that. Go ahead and tell her.
- I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife.
1667
01:43:17,024 --> 01:43:18,233
Oh.
1668
01:43:22,196 --> 01:43:23,530
Hello, Blanche.
1669
01:43:23,698 --> 01:43:26,867
Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
You got my checks, right?
1670
01:43:27,034 --> 01:43:29,744
So now we're all even up? Right.
1671
01:43:29,912 --> 01:43:33,707
No, I haven't been winning at the track.
I've just been eating home a lot lately.
1672
01:43:33,875 --> 01:43:34,916
[CHUCKLES]
1673
01:43:35,084 --> 01:43:37,836
You don't have to thank me, Blanche.
I'm just doing what's right.
1674
01:43:38,004 --> 01:43:40,130
That's very nice of you too.
1675
01:43:40,298 --> 01:43:43,842
Good night, Mr. Madison. You need
any heavy cleaning, I get $1.50 an hour.
1676
01:43:44,468 --> 01:43:45,552
Wait.
1677
01:43:45,720 --> 01:43:47,846
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
1678
01:43:48,014 --> 01:43:51,057
Right. Talk to you tomorrow night.
Kiss the kids for me, will you?
1679
01:43:51,225 --> 01:43:52,809
Right. Good night, Blanche.
1680
01:43:52,977 --> 01:43:56,313
Felix, what about next Friday?
You're not gonna break up the poker game.
1681
01:43:56,480 --> 01:43:59,691
Me? Never. Marriage may come and go,
but the game must go on.
1682
01:43:59,859 --> 01:44:01,651
So long, Frances.
1683
01:44:03,571 --> 01:44:05,322
So long, Blanche.
1684
01:44:08,784 --> 01:44:11,828
Well, are we just gonna sit around,
or are we gonna play poker?
1685
01:44:11,996 --> 01:44:14,436
MURRAY & SPEED: Let's play some poker.
VINNIE: Deal the cards.
1686
01:44:14,582 --> 01:44:16,833
Hey, boys, boys, boys.
1687
01:44:17,001 --> 01:44:21,963
Let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we?
This is my house, not a pigsty.
1688
01:44:22,757 --> 01:44:23,798
[VINNIE CHUCKLES]
1689
01:44:23,966 --> 01:44:26,301
Ante a quarter, fellas.
1690
01:44:32,266 --> 01:44:34,267
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
1690
01:44:35,305 --> 01:44:41,355
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
142389
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.