All language subtitles for The.Lonely.Guy.1984.720p.BluRay.X264-AMIABLE-HI

NARRATOR: This film is respectfully
dedicated to lonely guys everywhere.

Lonely guys have been with us
since the beginning of time.

There's one there.
Poor guy.

Another New Year's Eve
alone in the cave.

Even a thousand years
from now,

the lonely guy
will still be there.

Look at this guy.

That couple
will go down in history.

(WOMAN MOANING)

All he gets to do
is eat roast beef from a tube.

So all you lonely guys out there,
this film is for you.

It's for guys like that guy,
Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China.

He's got 14 married
brothers and sisters,

yet still eats alone in a Chinese
restaurant four nights a week.

It's for Mbowie Zoomba,
another lonely guy.

While he's happy that cable TV
has been installed in his area,

he'd really just like to meet a nice
girl with attractive lip plates.

And it's for Larry Hubbard...

HUBBARD: Hey, that's me, fifth one back.
That's okay, I'll take over the narration now.

NARRATOR: Oh, all right.

HUBBARD: Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is
the story of how I became a lonely guy.

I came to Manhattan
to be a writer,

and while I was working
on my novel,

I took a job
at a greeting-card firm.

It was working out
pretty well.

What are you working on,
Hubbard?

It's an idea I had for a new
kind of sympathy card, sir.

Hmm.

"I know how much your loss
must grieve you,

"but here's a thought
I'd like to leave you.

"Although you're sad
remember that

"now God is petting
your pussycat."

Beautiful! Hubbard!

Congratulations!
You're moving up.

Thank you, sir.

Get your things and take
the front desk.

Yes, sir!

Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach.
Yes, sir?

Stop whatever you're doing.
I want pet cards.

Birthday, anniversary.
And not just cats and dogs.

I want hamsters,
fish, parakeets.

HUBBARD:
I was always lucking into things like that.

New York had been
pretty good to me.

But the best part was,

I'd met this gorgeous
ballet dancer named Danielle.

She was nuts about me,
and asked me to move right in with her.

Every day at 5:30,
she'd have bathed,

perfumed,
put on a sexy nightie,

be waiting alone
in a big bed just for me.

(DOOR OPENING)

HUBBARD: Hi, Danielle.
Tarzan is here.

Oh, one second while I look
through my mail here.

Oh, geez.

(MUTTERING)

Hey, a rejection from
a completely new publisher.

They're finally getting
to know me in this town.

Hi ya, honey.
You miss me?

So, what'd you do today?
Anything interesting?

(EXCLAIMS)

HUBBARD: You know, you gotta
get out of the house more.

You can't mope around all day
waiting for me to come home.

(WHISTLING)

(GARGLING)

(SIGHS)

This your cigar
in here, honey?

All ready for me
I can see, huh?

Mmm. You smell good.

I don't believe you!

You come home,
you find me in bed with another man,

you act as if
nothing's going on.

Larry, this is
my lover, Raul.

We're lovers.
Understand?

Hi, Raul. Larry Hubbard.
Nice to meet you.

Yeah, hi.

Have you known
Danielle long?

Yes, we're dancers
in the same company.

Dancer?
Yes.

I thought
they were all...

Well, Raul's not!

Raul's all man.

Yeah.

And he's moving in tonight,
afterThe Nutcracker.

He's bringing his things
over in the morning.

Bringing his things over?
There's hardly enough room for our things!

Your things are going!
I've already packed them!

They're in the hall
beside the garbage,

and you can take them
out all together.

I know I'm behaving strange,
probably real strange.

I've never been in a
situation like this before.

I don't know
how to handle it.

I still don't know
how to handle it.

So, I was waiting, calmly,
patiently, reasonably,

till I do figure out how to
handle this kind of situation.

No, hold it.
I think I've got it.

Yes, yes.

What the hell's going on here?

What the hell is he
doing in this bed?

You disgust me,
both of you!

I'm getting out of here and I never
wanna see you in my life again!

RAUL: Hey, what
the hell! Ow!

I think I handled that
rather well.

DANIELLE: (MUFFLED) Oh, Larry,
don't forget the garbage.

HUBBARD: I had no place to stay,
nowhere to go.

There was no one to talk to.
I must have looked pretty pitiful.

But that's the good thing about
living in a big city like New York,

at least nobody I knew was
going to see me like this.

JACK: Larry?
Larry Hubbard? Is that you?

Hey, Larry, how are you?

Jack. Jack Fenwick.

Oh, Jack, hi. You're looking good.
How's it going?

How's it look?
Pretty good, huh?

How's it going with you?

Oh, just taking a walk. Like to get out
of the house every once in a while.

I might jog around
the reservoir later.

I heard about you
and Danielle breaking up.

You heard?
It just happened

Yeah, well,
I just spoke to her.

We were very close, you know.
We had an affair and everything.

When was that?

Oh, about four weeks ago.

Every morning
after you'd go to work.

Oh, but you knew
about that, didn't you?

Oh, oh, sure!

Yeah, we had an understanding.
We were very today people.

Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna.
Hello.

Hi. And this is my
girlfriend Frieda.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.

We got a little apartment
here on the West Side,

one big room and
a 40-foot mattress.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, listen, any time you're in the
neighborhood, just drop in, okay?

Hey, and don't be so
broken up about Danielle.

She already dumped
Raul, you know.

She has?

Yeah. She's living with
a rock group now.

Oh. Well, okay.

You take it easy, huh?
See you around. Yeah.

Come on, baby.

Hi.

Hi.

(SIGHS)

Warren Evans.

Larry Hubbard.
Hi, Larry.

Hi.

First-time lonely guy?

What's a lonely guy?

My girl Melanie
just left me.

What'd she
leave you for?

She came home last night,
found some guy robbing her apartment.

They just hit it off.

Gee, that sounds tough.

It was tough.

It's probably for the best,
she's really started to let herself go.

Drank a lot,
never bathed, fat.

Hey, don't worry.
You'll meet another girl.

Not like Melanie.

No, better than Melanie. You're not
gonna stay lonely forever, are you?

I'm not.

Well.

Where are you headed?

Um, I guess I have to look
for an apartment, huh?

Take it from an
experienced lonely guy,

be very careful
looking for an apartment,

'cause from now on,
that apartment's gonna be your best friend,

if not your only friend.

A lot of lonely guys,
just to get off the street,

tend to grab
the first thing they see

that looks better
than a Borneo death cell.

Thanks.
My pleasure.

HUBBARD: Warren gave me
a lot of good tips, like,

it's very important to find an
apartment with a feeling of space.

(BABY CRYING)

Right here.

(THUDS)

The view is very important
psychologically.

In a moderate price range,
you can't expect anything too beautiful,

but a lonely guy should watch
out for the depressing ones.

(CLANKING)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHATTERING)

(POLICE SIREN)

A river view is great,

as long as you're
above the river.

And you mustn't be fooled by
classy-looking neighborhoods.

Sometimes your
classiest-looking neighborhoods

have the highest crime rate.

(MAN GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Don't live here.
Bad neighborhood.

HUBBARD: What a view!
And you can almost see the river!

See, this has the pacing room I need.
I'm working on a novel.

This apartment could really be my friend.
I'll take this.

All right, fine, but before
you can sign the lease,

there are a few questions
I'd like to ask.

Well, what?

(QUICKLY) "Do you have any
dogs, cats, children,

"or relations or friends
of ethnic extraction?

"Do you ever wear
loud sports jackets?

"Do you ever get personal
phone calls after midnight?

"Do you go to discos or have dinner
with people in show business?

"Do you ever put disgusting
substances up your nose,

"or any other open
bodily passages?

"Do you own any records or albums
featuring The Rolling Stones?

"Is there anyone
in your personal acquaintance

"who has now, or ever has had,
a sexually communicable infectious disease?"

(QUICKLY) No dogs, no cats, no children,
no foreign friends or relations,

no loud jackets, no late phone calls,
no show-business dinners,

no disgusting substances
in bodily orifices,

no Rolling Stones albums,

no acquaintance with
sexually-communicable infectious disease,

except that Uncle Harry
once developed a rash

after an affair with a waitress
at the World of Pancakes,

but he covered it with a tattoo of a
Chinese dragon so nobody would notice.

Thank you very much.
That seems all satisfactory.

I'll have a lease
made out immediately.

You can move in
the day after tomorrow.

I think you'll fit in
here very well.

Thank you.
Do you wanna go to dinner?

I'm a man.

I mean, this is
really getting drastic.

I don't have anything
in my place.

I just left with a suitcase.
I lost my comb.

This morning I had to brush
my hair with my toothbrush.

I mean, I clean it out really
good so I feel more comfortable,

but it takes
about 20 minutes.

Does it look okay?
No, it looks good.

I was just thinking
how good it looks.

I think it looks
okay. Just...

I should get a comb.
Oh, you ought to get a comb.

Get it today.

You think that's bad,
I had my yearly physical last week.

They called me yesterday, told me I
have to come back. They lost my blood.

Oh, God!

You know, I mean,
I can give them more blood, but...

Yeah.

You see, you buy a lot of these,
you scatter them around,

and nobody will notice you
don't have enough furniture.

Hey, this one looks nice.

No, you don't want that,
Larry. That's got buds.

So what?

You don't wanna watch life
blossoming while yours...

Isn't, yeah.
Well...

Hey, how about a fern?

Great. But, Larry,
don't call them ferns, call them guys.

"Guys"?
Yeah, make them feel like your buddy.

You can watch
football games together.

(LAUGHING)

Watch football games
with a plant?

Hey, you never know.

(SNORTS)

Well, I'll just take
this guy right here.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.

I could use one myself.

Want a sip?
No, I'm full.

What did you eat?

Uh, a tuna sandwich.
Uh-huh.

Hey, how often do you have to
water something like this?

Oh, just once a week.
But always stay with it a couple of minutes,

it doesn't like to drink
alone. Seriously.

Have you got
your towels yet?

Towels, geez, I forgot
all about that.

Listen, I can get them
for you wholesale,

if you don't mind
other people's initials.

They get them
from divorced couples.

No, I just want
to get dry...

That's kind of sad
though, isn't it?

I don't wanna get depressed every
time I come out of the shower.

Listen, you'll probably
be depressed anyway.

(SNORTING)

Well, I gotta go.
I gotta go get some furniture.

Hey, doesn't your guy wanna
say good-bye to my guy?

Say good-bye
to your friend.

Still a little shy.
Ah.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

HUBBARD: Well, I'd
gotten some furniture,

but the big news
was the phone.

I had to give them a $500
deposit and a sperm sample,

but they finally put it in.

So, I pulled out
my little black book.

(PHONE RINGING)

Let's go! Come on...

Nobody move a muscle.

First National Bank.

Hi. Carol Zall, please.

HOLD UP MAN: I'm sorry,
she's all tied up right now.

Would you care to leave
your phone number?

Larry Hubbard.
KL5-1173.

Oh. She says she'd
love to talk to you,

and she'll get
right back to you.

Haven't lost the touch.

Cops!

Out the back!

Right, let's go.
Take some hostages!

Get the bag!

All right, kid,
you're coming with me.

HUBBARD: For some reason,
Carol never called back.

You know, I know this guy
who's a magician,

and he and his friend go into a restaurant
and they start doing tricks for them,

and people come around.
He said they meet a lot of girls that way.

I got this magic book.

Try this.
Take a card.

Okay. Look at it.

Now stick it
back in somewhere.

Okay. I'll shuffle.

Okay, cut 'em.

Okay.

Is it the queen of clubs?
No.

Was it a club?
No.

A diamond?
Yes.

Queen of diamonds?
No.

Nine of diamonds?
No.

Six of diamonds?
No.

Three of diamonds?
Yes.

Yes. Not bad. Not bad.

HUBBARD: Actually,
I was feeling pretty positive.

There are plenty of girls
in New York,

and I knew it wouldn't take
long before I met one of them.

How you doing?

I'm okay.
How about yourself?

Not too shabby.
Cigarette?

Oh, no, thanks.

Do you do this often?

Well, I'm a single guy,

and no use
in saving up.

NURSE: Okay,
you may get up now.

I'll have you out of
here in just a minute.

Do you have time
for a drink?

They say you should have
some orange juice.

Oh, thanks.
I have to meet my boyfriend.

Oh, right, right.
Me, too.

You know, I really believe
that one of these days

I'm gonna meet
the girl of my dreams,

if I don't run out
of blood first.

HUBBARD: I was getting
a little depressed,

so I was really glad
when Warren invited me

over to his place
for a little party.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING)

Hi, Larry.
Hey, Warren, how's it going?

Good to see you.

What are these?

Oh, party cutouts.

I got them at the Lonely Guy Store
at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue.

When I first saw them,
it seemed like a pretty weird idea,

but it turns out
they're a lot of fun.

They're real good company, too.
You'd be surprised.

Oh, yeah? Surprised.
It is surprising.

They move
and everything.

I'm just gonna go
check on dinner.

Fix yourself a drink.
Drink anything you want.

Thanks.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I'll get it.

Hey, how you...

You got a complaint
about the noise.

You're playing
your music too loud!

Oh, I'll turn it down.

What the hell
is going on here?

Uh, just a friendly
little get-together.

Can I fix you fellas a drink?

No, no, no, no.
We're on duty.

Oh, sure.

Just keep
the noise down, okay?

Thanks.

Hey, Mike, go ahead, I'll be right down.
I gotta use the can.

Look, mister, really,
I don't have to use the can.

But tell me, please, where do you
get these things? They're fantastic!

You mean, you're a...

Yeah, a lonely cop.

A lonely cop?
Oh, gee!

You get them at the Lonely
Guy Store at 81st and Lex.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Do you know if they got Gene Hackman?

Uh, Warren?
Yeah?

Does the Lonely Guy Store
have Gene Hackman?

WARREN: Yes, they do,
but you have to reserve him a week ahead.

Hey, terrific. Thanks again,
I really appreciate it.

Thanks a lot.
It's okay.

Come and get it.
Leg of lamb.

If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton.
She's great, isn't she?

Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like
getting out, and meeting real women?

Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific
girl in a bar tomorrow night.

You wanna come along?
Maybe you'll meet somebody.

Well, yeah, thanks.

Who's that?

Oh, just a friend of mine
I don't see anymore.

Oh. Well, here's to...

(DISMISSIVE SIGH)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God, that's funny!
You tell a story so well.

Oh, thanks.

Here's another one.

I'm walking down
Madison Avenue.

It's about 12:00, 12:30...
This is true.

This really happened!
Okay.

This guy comes up
to me, he says...

Hi, hon.
Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Warren.
Thanks for sitting in, buddy.

I was just telling Louise
this great story...

How'd your meeting go?

Oh, terrific. Looks like
we got the deal.

Oh, that's wonderful,
darling!

Great!

Oh, listen, Warren,
thanks again for sitting in.

I hate to have Louise sit and wait
for me alone, you know what I mean?

Oh, that's okay.
I was glad to do it.

Oh, listen, can you do it
again next week, same time?

I'll be about 45 minutes.

Oh, sure, sure.
Enjoy your dinner.

See anybody?

Yeah. I'm trying to get my courage
up to talk to that girl over there.

Ooh, she's pretty.

HUBBARD: No kidding.

Gee, I don't think so.

Why not?

I mean, she's
really attractive.

(CHUCKLING)
Well, hey!

Well, I mean,
you know, try.

Well, I will.

Hi, I'm Larry.

Hi. Brenda.

It's okay?
Mmm-hmm.

Boy, I hate these places,
don't you?

It's like, most of these guys
are just here for one thing.

I guess I wanna meet someone I can talk to,
just get to know,

and go to dinners with,
and museums, art galleries.

I think what I'm looking for,
is more of a real relationship.

Oh, that's great, Larry,
but I just came here to get laid.

Ever think of
getting a dog?

A dog.

Dogs are great. They leap all over you.
They lick your face.

They don't even have to like you,
it's their instinct.

Hitler had a dog,
that dog went crazy over him.

Adolf Hitler?
Yeah.

There's this pet shop,
has this policy,

you take a dog home,
you don't like it,

you bring it back in 24 hours,
you get another dog.

That sounds like a good deal.

It is a good deal.

HUBBARD: I learned a lot
about dogs that week.

For instance, don't get a dog
that's bigger than you are,

unless you're trying to
save money on bus fare.

Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.

Here we go, boy. Come on.
Come on! There we go.

HUBBARD: And if you like to play fetch,
don't get a fast dog.

Fast dogs like to show off,
and they don't care about your stick.

If they don't come back by nightfall,
you're out $300.

Bassets are really
cuddly dogs.

They love to get in bed
and nuzzle right up to you.

The only problem is, they miss their mother,
and they howl all night,

and you have to pretend
you're a basset, too,

and howl with him
till he goes back to sleep.

(BARKING)

(HOWLING)

(BOTH HOWLING)

A cute dog
attracts women,

but not to you,
to himself.

I come by here every day
about this time.

Bye, puppy dog!

Me and the dog. Bye.

Hello, puppy.

Dogs have a great deal.

Hey, you!
What's your name?

Larry Hubbard. Why?

I'm gonna have to write you a ticket.
What for?

Your dog just fouled
the pathway over there.

He what?

He pooped.

Excuse me, Officer, but I don't
think that poop came from this dog.

No, no, I'm sure of it.
Definitely not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, Officer, I mean it.

Look, in the last week,
I've had five different dogs.

I think I'm beginning to know what
kind of poop goes with each dog.

I think I may even say,
without undue modesty,

that I am becoming somewhat
of an expert on poop.

And I can assure you that that
poop did not come from this dog!

Thanks.

I mean, this is a little dog.
That looks like a land mine.

God!

Warren, I gotta
meet a girl.

That was your dog's poop,
I saw him do it.

Oh, Warren!

I mean, look at that guy,
he's got a girl.

He had to meet her
someplace.

He wasn't born
with his arm around her.

What about jogging?
Maybe you can meet girls jogging.

Jogging. I remember
when I first saw Rocky,

I came running out of the theater,
ran into the park,

started jogging,
shadow boxing.

A guy came up and punched
me right in the face.

Oh, God!

I'm not really jogging.
I only ran about 50 yards.

This is not real sweat,
either, I sprayed it on.

They sell this
at sporting goods stores,

it's made from the actual sweat
of professional athletes.

This was taken from a Boston
Celtics basketball player,

immediately after
a double-overtime game.

I think I'm getting hungry.

(PANTING) A vanilla yogurt milkshake,
please.

Did 22 miles today. 3-0-6!
That's my best time ever.

(SNIFFS)

MAN: Don't sweat
on the counter, please.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's beautiful!

(CHUCKLES)

Hi.

(SIGHS)

I was just noticing that book you're reading,
Mayor of Casterbridge.

That's really a coincidence,
because I did my final term paper

on Thomas Hardy,
my senior year in college.

You know, Hardy was
a very interesting man.

When he was
in London in 1861...

How long have you
been a lonely guy?

Is it that noticeable?

What is it
that gave me away?

I know phony sweat
when I smell it.

When you first came in,
I thought you were Larry Bird.

Sorry, it was dumb.

It's just that I saw you sitting there,
and I wanted to meet you.

No, that's not
even true, either.

I just wanted
to meet anybody.

I know.
It can be rough.

Did you try a fern?

Yeah.

A dog?

Yeah, but they don't seem
to really help that...

How come you know so much
about lonely guys?

My husband Marty
was a lonely guy.

Oh, husband.

My ex-husband.
Oh.

That's how we met.
I fell for the phony jogging bit.

Never again. I learned to tell the
difference between real and bottled sweat.

Here, smell mine.

Oh, yeah.

Now, see, that's terrific.
That's sweat!

Thank you.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, yeah,
there's no comparison!

Thanks.

So, um, how long were you
and Marty married?

Oh, not long.

I found out he was having an
affair with a ballet dancer.

Dancer?
Now this may sound silly,

but, by any chance, that
dancer wasn't named Danielle?

No, no. Raul.

Oh.

(SNIFFS)

Absolutely no comparison.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I guess
I'd better be going.

Hang in there.
Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.

Hey, um, what's your name?

Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?

I wrote it all down
on the napkin.

I know what
you're going through.

Wow, that's fantastic.
What a great girl!

Uh, that's $1.50.
You've got some yogurt on your face.

What a great girl.

HUBBARD: I woke up early
the next morning.

Too early to call her.
I just couldn't get her out of my mind.

I couldn't wait
till I got to know her.

I love the way your nose
crinkles up when you smile.

Ugly? They are not.
I love your freckles.

What's the best movie you
ever saw in your whole life?

You're kidding!
I don't believe it, me, too.

Favorite food?

With or without
walnuts?

I knew it!
I knew it!

What's the saddest thing
that ever happened to you?

My God! Really?

That's awful. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you cry.

There, there.
Just cry right into my arms.

It's gonna be all right.
Everything's all right.

I'm here.
I'm never gonna leave you.

HUBBARD: I couldn't wait any longer.
I had to talk to her.

She had to be up by now,
it was almost 6:00.

Oh, God!

Lois? Doris.

Or...

Boris?

7-3-6?

7-3-8.

1-3-6?
Damn it!

(MUTTERING)

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: (ON PHONE)Hello?

Hello. Is there a Lois
living there?

Uh, Lois? No.

Uh, Doris?
No.

Uh, Bess or Tess?

No. Hey, who is this?

Please, sir,
this is very important.

Can you just tell me,
is there a girl living there,

mid 20s, 5'3", blonde,

beautiful face,
great figure,

fresh skin, full lips,

and young, vibrant, alive?

Is there?

(PANTING) No, no, no.
But please, please don't stop.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

WOMAN: Larry?

Yeah. Who's this?

Danielle.

Danielle?

I want you back, Larry.

Yeah, me and every other guy in New York.
How's the rock group?

Oh, Larry.

You're the only one that
ever meant anything to me.

IGGY: This is the pits, man.

The only one.

FUZZY: Who took my pick?

ZIPPY: Not me, man.
IGGY: I lost my sack.

Oh, good-bye, Iggy.
Bye, babe.

Good-bye, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Starr.
Adios.

Oh, Iggy, on your way out,
could you take out the garbage?

Thanks, love.

What about mushy-mushy?

FUZZY: Need a little help
with the drums.

Don't you miss it?

No.

Yes, you do.

All right, so I miss it.
Big deal.

ZIPPY: Bye, Danny.

I'm all alone in bed.

It would only take you
five minutes to get here.

There'll never be
anyone else for me but you.

Just you and me,

together forever and ever.

(PHONE BEEPS)
Do you mean that, Danielle?

Hold on a sec.
I got another call.

I knew she'd come
back to me! I knew it!

Hello? Who's this?

Larry. Larry Hubbard.

Oh, Larry.
Nice to hear from you.

Listen, I'm a little busy right now,
can you call me back some other time, okay?

(DIAL TONE)

MAN: (ON RADIO)
...with a 20% chance of rain,

clearing in the afternoon.

There were three suicides
in Manhattan late last night,

all characterized
as lonely guys.

Two of the men were found dead
in their West Side apartments,

both traveling salesmen who came
home from the road after two weeks,

and found that their large,
beautiful fern plants were dead.

Wow.
A third lonely guy,

who had a view just
below the East River,

opened his window and drowned.

There was no suicide note.
Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.

Talk about lonely.

And here's a bulletin.

The New York Police Department reports
there's just been another suicide,

that of a lonely rock group.
More details as we get them.

Way to go, Danielle.

And now, back to easy listening.
It's kind of a late...

SYNTHESIZED VOICE:
Queen's rook to king three.

(PHONE RINGS)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello.

Hello?

Hey, Warren, it's Larry. You wanna do
something tonight, maybe go to dinner?

No, thanks, Larry.
No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight,

relax, put on a fire.
Maybe some other time.

Sure. I understand.
Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Capture of queen by rook.

Queen's rook to queen seven.
Checkmate.

Thank you
for a pleasant game.

Thank you.

You played very well,
except for moves 14 through 17,

which you played
like an asshole.

Yes?

Hi. Do you have
a table for dinner?

Certainly, sir.
How many in your party?

I'm alone.

Alone?

(MUSIC AND CHATTERING STOPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Follow me, sir.

This way, sir.

Thank you.

Would you care
for a cocktail, sir?

Yes, I'd like
a todka and vonic.

A todka and vonic?

Yes.

(LAUGHS)
Very good, sir.

Oh, and, Captain?

Could you turn out
the spotlight, please?

Certainly.

(SNAPS FINGER)

And could everybody
go back to talking?

Certainly.

(SNAPS FINGER)

(CHATTERING RESUMES)

HUBBARD: This is
the really hard part,

sitting there
trying to convince people

you're eating alone
on purpose.

But Warren told me
how to handle it.

Is it all right?

Oh, you can read
my review next Sunday.

Hi.

Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!

I wiped my mouth with
the napkin you gave me.

I spent two solid days
trying to decipher it.

I promised God
if he let me find you again,

I would never ever wipe food
off my face as long as I live.

Oh, well, I figured
that would happen.

Lonely guys always
lose phone numbers.

What is your name?
Iris.

Iris! Iris.
Of course, Iris.

Sit down. Let me
get you something.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband,
and we're leaving.

HUBBARD: So that's Marty?

Oh, no, that's
my ex-husband Jeremy.

Different ex-husband?
Mmm.

Well, I have to go.

Wait. Your number.
Oh, I wrote it down on the check.

The, uh, waiter will
give it to you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

Iris, Iris, Iris.
Waiter! Check.

Here we are, sir.

Thank you.

No, no. Please, sir.
With an eminent food critic such as yourself,

the pleasure
is all ours.

No...

HUBBARD: I phoned every Iris
in the New York area.

WOMAN: Hello?
Hi.

Is this the Iris who gave me her
number in a restaurant last night?

No, it's not.

Sorry.

HUBBARD: I combed the entire
neighborhood where I met her.

Night and day,
day and night.

I got so desperate,
I went up to my roof and called out her name.

Iris!

Iris, where are you?

Marilyn!
Marilyn, my love!

Barbara!
Where are you, Barbara?

Lupe, I miss you!
Where are you?

Erica!
Erica, it's me!

Iris!

Caroline!

Iris, where are you?
Barbara!

Erica!
Caroline!

Lupe, where are you?
Iris!

When I was in high school,
I went to a movie theater with a girl.

I was sitting there,
and about 20 minutes into the picture,

I slowly put my arm
around her.

Slowly, slowly, I put it on her
breast. She didn't say a word.

(SIGHS)

And I thought,
"This is great."

And I sat through the whole
picture and didn't move.

It was just right there.

And when the lights came up,
I realized it was on her purse.

Oh.

It was still fun, though.

'Cause you didn't know, yeah.
Yeah.

HUBBARD: I thought it might
help to see a psychiatrist.

You know, just to have
someone to unload on,

someone compassionate
and understanding.

Does Dr. Zook live here?

Second bell from the top.

Thank you.

ZOOK: Yes?

Hi, Dr. Zook.
My name's Hubbard.

I have a 3:00
appointment with you.

Hubbard, yes.
Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Talk into the box,
please.

What?

Talk into the box.

So, why did you decide
to come and see me?

(WHISPERING) Well, I recently ended
a relationship with this girl,

and I was feeling
kind of lonely, and I...

Excuse me.
Do you mind if I smoke?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

Thank you.

You were saying you ended this
relationship with this girl?

Well, I came home...

See, I was living with a ballet dancer,
her name was Danielle...

So when my father gave me a "C" in English,
I didn't understand.

I mean, he told me it was because he had
to treat me like all the other kids,

but I really thought he was being much,
much tougher on me...

Sorry, Larry.
That's all the time we have for today.

If you like, I can see you
next Thursday at 3:00.

Yes, yes, I would.
I think the talking has helped.

Well, good. Now,
if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot.

Okay. Thanks.

You bet.

You know what gets me?

I go to get a haircut,
they charge me, like, four bucks,

which is the same amount of money
they would charge anybody to come in,

but, like, say a guy like Michael
Landon goes into the shop where I go,

they would charge him four bucks,
yet he's got, like,

a hundred times more hair
than I do.

By rights, they should be charging
Michael Landon, like, $400.

Yeah, but they don't charge you by how
much hair you've got, they charge...

They're paid to make it look
good with what you've got.

Well, I don't even know
if they've done that.

I mean, how does that look?

See, that's what I'm saying.

You ever tried, maybe,
like, swooping it over?

You know how some guys,
they grow their hair real long,

and then, like,
they swoop it over.

You can do a lot like that,
you can get a pompadour and everything.

My hair doesn't grow long
enough to swoop it over.

Besides, I think when you see a
guy with his hair swooped over,

you know he's, like,
doing it to cover up something.

Yeah, I mean, if a guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.

Guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.

You know,
the guys who always keep their hair,

are the guys who have
no use for it at all,

they're not trying
to impress anybody.

Who's that?
Like bums.

You ever seen a bald bum?
They always have a beautiful head of hair.

Why is that?

I think it's because
they never wash it.

It's the only time you ever
see your hair fall out,

is after you take your shower,
and you wash your hair,

there's a bunch
of hair lying there.

You mean, if I'd never washed my hair,
I'd have a full head of hair?

Of course, they could lose their hair,
too, and maybe it just stays in.

Just locked in there. If they ever wash it,
they could be bald bums.

Yeah.

(REWINDING)

(BEEPS)

MAN: Mr. Hubbard,
the manuscript which you sent us,

it is not the sort of thing this
company is interested in doing,

the Speedy Fingers
Typing Service.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

WARREN: Hi, Larry,
it's Warren.

I can't go to the movie
with you tomorrow night

because I decided
to end it all.

My life just seems so empty
and meaningless

that I can't see any point
in going on with it.

Hope you enjoy the movie.
Good-bye.

HUBBARD: I figured he'd be
at the Manhattan Bridge.

It was a sort of "in" spot
for suicidal lonely guys.

(SPRAYING)

Check it out, man.

MAN: We got some more paint.

Block the door, man.

Check it, check it.
Check it out.

(MUFFLED) Iris! I lost
your phone number!

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

Hey, hey, hey!

I'll see you there.

Man, you sure are some
bad backward writer.

Thanks.

(LAUGHING)

HUBBARD: Warren?

Warren! Warren!

Warren.

(MAN SCREAMING)
Warren?

(SPLASH)
Warren?

Warren!

Warren!
MAN: (SCREAMING) Carol!

Warren?

(SPLASH)

Warren!

Warren. Warren?

No. Henry.

(SCREAMING)
Warren?

Warren?

Warren!

Don't come any closer, Larry.

Warren, come down from there.
You have too much to live for.

Give me three things.

Two things?

One thing?

Not dying. Not dying
is something to live for.

What's the difference?
Nobody cares.

Warren, I care. I'm your friend.
I care what happens to you.

You gotta believe that,
Warren. You gotta believe it.

You're great, Larry.

I mean, a lot of people say they're
your friend... IRIS: Larry?

...but to come running
down here like this.

Stay there.
I'll be right back.

HUBBARD: Oh, Iris!
I'm so glad I found you.

(KISSING)

Oh, come on.
My best friend is gonna jump.

What?

Warren, please, come down.

Who's this?

This is Iris, the girl I told you about.
I found her again.

Aw, gosh, she is lovely.
How are you?

Fine. You?

(DISMISSIVE SIGH)

Warren, please don't
do this, I need you.

You don't need me.
You two have each other.

No, we don't,
this'll never last.

She's already had
two husbands.

Six.
Six?

Six?
Six.

Six! See? You can't have a stable
relationship with a person like that.

It's nice of you both to lie,
but I can see how you feel about each other.

Okay, but that doesn't mean I
don't need you in my life, too.

You wanna know the place
I'll have in your life?

You'll have a beautiful wife,
great kids, lovely home,

and I'll be
your bachelor friend

who you feel you have to
invite to your dinner party,

because you haven't
seen me in ages.

But Iris has run out of
single women

to fix me up with,
as a dinner date,

so she wracks her brain and
comes up with this widow

who's 15 years older than me,
overweight, with rotten teeth.

You know, it doesn't
sound all that bad.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, I like
a full-figured woman.

Teeth you can always fix.

And what does age matter,
if you have a good personality, right?

That's right!

Would you make
a nice leg of lamb?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I love lamb.

Excuse me.
Are you using this railing?

No.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

With mint sauce?
Of course. Mint sauce.

(MAN SCREAMING) Hey, hard to talk here,
let's all go somewhere.

No, you two go ahead.

(SPLASH) No, no.
I can't leave you after this.

Hey, I've been up there
plenty of times.

Why don't you come
to dinner with us?

No, no, you go ahead.
I'll catch a slice of pizza.

HUBBARD: I'll call
you later.

Thanks, Larry.

Iris, how old are you?

And you've had
six husbands?

That's a lot,
isn't it?

No, no,
not really.

When you think about it,
it's just one every five years.

...and Jerry was
an alcoholic,

and Michael was
a compulsive gambler,

and Fred was
a womanizer.

It seems I've ended up
being hurt

in every relationship
I've ever had.

Iris, I guess no man knows for
sure what he's capable of.

There might be circumstances in
which I might lie, or steal,

or, who knows,
even kill.

But there's one thing I know
in my heart I could never do.

As long as I live,
I could never, never hurt you.

Oh, Larry!

Iris. Oh, gosh!

I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Oh!

Oh, sit down.
It's just a scalded lap.

You sure?
I'm fine. Fine.

Just... Fine.

No. No, you're not.

What are you doing?

I want you to know that whatever
feelings of pain you might have,

I wanna share them
with you.

(GROANING)

Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.

You're welcome.

(SIGHS)

Well, gosh,
it's almost 2:00.

I guess you'd like me to take you home,
wouldn't you?

Yes. To your home.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Iris.

But first, I just have to go
to the bathroom.

Okay, I'll take
care of the check.

I better not.

Why not? Go ahead.

You might not be here
when I get back.

Of course I'd be here.
Why wouldn't I be here?

That's how Milton left me.

I understand.

IRIS: Are you
still there?

HUBBARD: I'm here,
I swear.

You're the first person
who's ever done this for me.

It's nothing.
Honest.

I'm crazy about you,
Larry.

I'm crazy about you,
too, Iris.

HUBBARD: We went
back to my place

and talked for two and a half hours,
about everything.

We found out we'd voted for exactly the
same people in the last nine elections.

We sang camp songs
to each other.

Then she got real romantic and said
she wanted to get in bed with me.

I was headed for the
greatest night of my life.

Except she wouldn't
take off her clothes.

Iris, please.

It's not going
to work, Larry.

You're wrong
for me.

Why?

Because you're
so right for me.

You're the most wonderful
man I've ever known.

If I let us get close,
if I made that commitment,

and you hurt me like the others,
I couldn't handle it.

Well, I would never hurt you.

I'm too terrified
to take that chance.

I need someone

who I don't
care a damn about.

Someone mean

and unfeeling and rotten.

Well, I could be that.
Just give me a day or two to work on it.

No, darling.

(STAMMERING) Iris, look.
I don't want to lose you!

I think you and I
have something special.

I mean, sure, we have
a few problems,

like not having sex,
but we don't have to have sex.

There's plenty of other
things we can do.

We can go to motels and listen
to other people have sex.

It just wasn't meant
to be, Larry.

But there's one thing
I want you to know.

Even though
we didn't do it,

you're the best
I ever had.

(DOOR CLOSING)

The best what?

(RINGING)

IRIS: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
I love you. I'll always love you,

but I've gone away.
Goodbye, my dearest.

At the sound of the beep,
please try and forget me.

(BEEPING)

Quarter to 4:00.
Maybe I'll take a nap or something.

I don't like to take naps.

I don't like to wake up
more than once a day,

'cause when I first wake up,
I get that shock of who I am, and everything.

I really don't like to do
that more than once a day.

Yeah.

Hubbard,
I've been wanting to talk to you

about some of the greetings
you've been working on lately.

"Hi there, Grandpa.
Happy Birthday to you.

"And if you live
till next year,

"Happy Birthday
then, too."

I've been a little
preoccupied lately.

A little?

"Will you be my Valentine?
Think about it a bit.

"If you will, that's okay.

"If not, who gives a shit?"

Mr. Hubbard
is fired.

HUBBARD: One good thing
about being fired,

it gave me time
to work on my novel.

But that wasn't going
so great either.

"Soon the primal fire began to
burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.

"Her hips twitched
and trembled, as each...

"fireball from Oliver's
powerful cannon

"erupted like molten lava

"into the quivering mouth

"of her ever-fluttering
love purse."

What do I know
about Oliver Cromwell?

What do I know
about love?

All I know about
is lonely,

how to eat alone,

how to live alone.

That's all I know.

Damn wind.

HUBBARD: My book became
an instant bestseller.

Lonely guys came out of
the woodwork to get it.

There were more of us
out there than I thought.

MAN: Mr. Hubbard,
where did you get the idea

of writing a book
about lonely guys?

I realized that everybody's a
lonely guy at one time or another.

You can be married,
and be a lonely guy.

You can be quarterback of a football team,
and be a lonely guy.

Mr. Hubbard,
I wanna thank you.

You've given hope
to all of us.

Thanks.

Hi. Could you just put,
"To Jimmy"?

Sure.

HUBBARD: Funny how a little thing
like writing a number one bestseller

can change a guy's life.

(REWINDING)

(BEEPS)
MAN: Hey, Larry, you're hot.

Griffin wants you on the West
Coast as soon as he can get you.

And on the East Coast,
Letterman wants you.

And, hey, we got a call
from Playboy.

They want you to pose
with the Bunny of the Month.

(LAUGHING)
She thinks you're terrific.

Woof! Woof! You're her favorite writer.
Oh, and, hey, what a looker.

"It looks like blonde
bombshell Loni Anderson

"has turned Larry Hubbard into
America's unloneliest lonely guy.

"It seems they haven't left Larry's
West Side apartment in two weeks,

"and whatever
they're doing there,

"we bet they're not
collaborating on a new book."

Where do they get
this trash?

Beats me.

I'm so glad we...

(APPLAUSE)

GRIFFIN: I wonder,
Anita and Shotze,

if the European feelings are
as strong as the Americans'?

ANITA: Well,
speaking for myself,

I know that wealth, or fame,
or social position,

have absolutely nothing to do with
whether or not I'm attracted to a man.

This is true. You should see some
of the trash she goes out with.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, it's true.
I've found that I've been able to date women

who wouldn't have given me a second
look before my book became a success.

But don't you see, Larry?
Success changes a man.

It makes him confident,
poised, self-assured.

And it's these new qualities
in the man himself

that account for his
newfound appeal.

Well, I guess
that's what it is, then.

(MAKING BABY SOUNDS)

Aw...

♪ Everybody loves
my baby

♪ But my baby don't love
nobody but me

♪ Nobody but me ♪

Aw, gosh.
I hate to interrupt.

It's all been
so incredibly fascinating,

and entertaining,
and instructive.

Really, the time
has just flown by.

(APPLAUSE) The lovely Schneider twins,
Anita and Shotze.

Ex-lonely guy,
Larry Hubbard.

And Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I can't thank you enough for being here.

You've made it
a very special night for me.

And I hope we can all get
together and do it again.

Thank you. Good night.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Everybody
loves my... ♪

GRIFFIN: Gosh, I hate
to interrupt.

This has been all
so incredibly fascinating

and entertaining
and instructive.

Really, the time
has just flown by.

I can't thank you all
enough for being here.

You've made it a very
special evening for me,

(ECHOING) and I hope we
can all get together...

Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.

(MOUTHING SILENTLY)

I wrote it all down
on the napkin.

I know what
you're going through.

Hi. Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!

I'm crazy about you,
Larry.

(PIANO PLAYING)

♪ You made me love you

♪ You woke me up to do it ♪

Excuse me.
...hasn't been around on the literary scene for years.

I've been staring at you
all night.

WOMAN: The difference between
an agent and a manager is,

with a manager, we have to
be this family...

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)

Great party, Larry.

It's fun, isn't it?
It really is.

Yeah.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

HUBBARD: Oh, excuse me.

You look great.
Come on in.

No, you're busy.
I'll come back another time.

No.

No, I've...
I missed you.

Oh, I missed you.

I saw you on
The Merv Griffin Show.

Oh, really?

I tried to stay away,
but I couldn't.

I wanted you so much.

(SIGHS)

Danielle.
Larry.

Danielle.

Larry?

Oh, Iris, Danielle.
Danielle, Iris.

Larry.

Danielle?

Larry?
Iris!

Larry!

(WHISPERING)
Danielle.

Larry!
Iris!

Danielle?

Iris.

The incinerator's
down the steps.

Iris?

Larry!

IRIS: I'm so glad you
sent everyone home.

HUBBARD: Do you think
it was too abrupt?

I didn't think you'd
remember my phone number.

(MOANS)

It feels so good
next to your body.

Your feet are so warm.

Can I take
my socks off now?

Please.

Sure. I just didn't know if you
wanted to go all the way or not.

(GIGGLING)

HUBBARD: (MOANING)
Oh, Iris.

Oh, my God, Iris.

I don't believe it.

I didn't believe something
like this was possible.

Oh, my God, Iris.

Have you started
yet, Larry?

Of course I've started.

What did you think all the "Oh,
my God, Iris," was all about?

I'm sorry.

I'm inexperienced.

I know that sounds crazy,
with six husbands,

but, you see, I've never had a...
You know what.

You mean an orgasm?

I didn't wanna
talk dirty.

None of them ever seemed to
care if I ever had them or not.

Well, I care. Look, um,
I'll let you know.

Whenever you have one,

I'll let you know
about it.

Oh, you are so sweet,
Larry. I appreciate that.

Well, after all,
I think it's the man's responsibility to...

Oh! There goes one!

You just had one.
I did?

Yeah, sure.
Didn't you feel it?

Well, in what part
of the body?

Well, I just can't blurt out
in what part of the body.

Oh.

There goes another one!

Oh, God, they're
happening so quickly.

Well, you have to be
ready for them.

Sometimes they go by when you're just
talking, or clearing your throat.

You are so
experienced, Larry.

I never realized a lonely
guy could be so experienced.

Well, this isn't the first time that...
There goes another one!

I think I felt that one.
It felt like a tiny little hiccup.

Uh, I think that
was a hiccup.

Maybe they're coming
from your side of the bed.

Let's change sides,
'cause I don't wanna miss any more.

Yeah, yeah.
Maybe.

Whoa!

What?

Oh, nothing.

I missed another one?

Just the biggest one
so far, that's all.

Oh, God!
Excuse me.

(SNEEZING)
Oh!

Oh! Oh, Larry.

I think I felt one.
You did?

Uh-huh. Right when
you sneezed.

Oh. And gesundheit.
Thank...

(SNEEZING)
Oh! Oh!

Oh, I felt it again. Twice.
You did?

Yes. It was wonderful.

Oh, gesundheit. Gesundheit.

Do you think you could

sneeze again?

I don't know.
I'll try. Aaah-choo!

Oh! Oh, yes.

Yes. Gesundheit.

(MOANS)

Aaah-choo!
Aaah-choo!

Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this.
Oh, gesundheit.

(BOTH MOANING)

Aaah-choo!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, you're magnificent.

Oh, gesundheit.

Aaah-choo, aaah-choo,
aaah-choo, aaah-choo!

No, Larry, no more.
I mean it.

Stop, or I'll go mad
with pleasure.

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Oh, Iris,
I love you.

I love you too, Larry.

(CRYING)

Why are you crying?

Because it's so hopeless.

But everything
was so good.

Exactly. See,
I was afraid of getting involved with you

because I couldn't face the
possibility of losing you.

So, how do you think I feel
now that I found out

you're not only
a great guy, but that

you're the best goddamn
lover in the world?

I'm going.

Iris, look.
You're just upset.

Let me take you home.
You'll get a good night's sleep,

and we'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?

No, Larry,
I'll get a cab.

And there's no point in
calling me in the morning.

I won't be there.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(SNEEZES)

(IRIS MOANING)

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)

HUBBARD: Well, that did it.
I knew I had to get out of town for a while.

So, I booked myself
on one of those cruises.

I figured it might give me a chance
to get away from everyone I knew.

Of course, in the first three hours,
I met my accountant,

my plumber, my postman,
even Jack was there.

He'd just broken up
with Verna and Frieda,

and I guess he was looking for more
girls to add to his collection.

He waved me over, but I just wasn't
interested in meeting other women.

I just couldn't get
my mind off Iris.

Excuse me, sir.
Are you Mr. Larry Hubbard?

Yes, I am.

Uh, this dog, it came aboard just before
we sailed. Your name was on his collar.

Hey, good boy!
What a good dog!

And this note
is for you, sir.

It's from a young lady.

Thank you.

IRIS: Dear Larry, just heard
we're on the same ship.

I'll be at the Masquerade Ball
tomorrow night.

I hope we'll run
into each other.

I think we should talk.
Iris.

Iris.

She's here.

Yahoo!

(BARKING)

(SPLASH)

Oh, sorry, fella!

(DOWNTOWN PLAYING)

Hello, Iris.

Hello, Larry.

Terrific costume.

Larry, I want to apologize
for the way I behaved.

I was wrong.

You don't have to apologize
as long as we're together.

Oh, no, Larry.
I was wrong to let it go as far as it did.

I knew from the beginning
it would never work.

I love you too much.

Iris, do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of falling in love?

Do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of being hurt?

Do you think I'm not?

I'm terrified.
But you've got to be willing

to feel a little pain,
or you'll never feel any joy.

JACK: Hi, Larry.
Hi, Jack.

I mean, you kept coming back to me, for the
joy, not because you were feeling pain.

Hey, hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?
Jack, Iris.

Hi. I'm not saying I'll be
the only guy for you, ever.

You might meet somebody in five
years that you like better.

Kind of looks like we were
meant for each other.

Oh, my.

Hey, hey,
don't the girls look terrific tonight, Jack?

The seven deadly sins! Whoa!
What a clever idea!

Girls? What girls?

The girls!
Your girls, Jack.

Inga, Helga, Olga,
Minga, Fritzy...

I guess my eyesight
is failing,

'cause as far as I can see,
there's only one woman in this whole room.

Shall we?

JACK:
♪ I'm in the mood for love

♪ Simply because
you're near me

♪ Funny but when
you're near me

♪ I'm in the mood
for love ♪

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)

How you doing, guy?

Thirsty?

There you go.

The guy's 46.
Dropped dead.

Heart attack?
Natural causes.

You know, I think I'm
getting that.

Here you go. That's a good guy.
That's a good guy.

What did you
have for lunch?

Tuna.

Toast?
Yeah.

White?
Rye.

Good?
Yeah.

Sounds good.
Yeah, it was.

There you go.

Here's a guy, 33.
Brick fell on his head.

Hey, I want you to see
this new cassette I got.

WARREN: I can't stay
much longer.

Just watch this.

Oh, nice. Very nice.

We don't have to watch
the whole thing.

Does something happen?

No.

Whoa!
Jack is marrying Iris!

Yeah, I know.

Hard to imagine any woman
falling in love with Jack.

She doesn't love Jack,
she loves me.

That's why
she's marrying him.

Uh-huh.

Well, whatever.

I better get going.
I'm defrosting my refrigerator.

That water's gonna get
all over the floor.

I'll watch that fish
staring another time.

Okay.

Give you a call later,
maybe we'll do something.

I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll stay in tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah.
Well, take care.

Okay. I'll see you.
Yeah.

So long.
So long.

Back. Side. And front.
And other side. And three.

...nautical science.

Makes a balloon go up.

WOMAN:
Right this way, officer.

When did you find him?
This morning.

Wife?
No.

Kids?

No.

Close friends?
No.

(QUICKLY)No friends,
no wife, no children.

Just ferns, dog,
cardboard cutouts, TV.

Well-behaved, quiet,
no parties, perfect tenant.

Been dead for five days,
nobody even noticed.

I'll take care of it.

WOMAN: Wish I had more
tenants like him.

Oh, heavy.

I don't believe what people
are throwing away today.

I hear ya.

(RAPID BREATHING)

No!

No!

No!

No!

First Lutheran Church in Queens.
As soon as possible.

CABBIE: All right.

What's the matter?

Hey, first time ever.
A traffic jam in New York.

(HONKING)

God!

Thanks.

Oh, hey,
watch out!

Hey! What's
he doing?

(HORN BLARES)

(HONKING)

How long is it
between trains?

About 15 minutes.

Oh! That's too long!

Write a letter.

DRIVER: Hey, get the hell
out of the way!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

All right. Pull over, mac!
Pull over.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(SIREN BLARING)

Hey, you ran a traffic light back there,
mister. Now pull over!

Look, I got...
Pull over!

Look, Officer, if I don't get to 31st
Street in four and a half minutes,

the only girl I ever loved is
gonna marry somebody else.

I was in love once.
But you're gonna need an escort. Follow me!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come on, mac.
Come on!

Stay close, now.
Everything is gonna be all right.

Stay close.

OFFICER: All right.
It's gonna be right over here.

Right there!
Right there!

HUBBARD: Thank you, Officer.

Good luck.

MINISTER:...to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

to love, honor
and cherish

in sickness
and in health,

as long as
you both shall live?

No, wait, don't do this!

I know you think this is
the easy way out,

the safe thing to do.

But didn't you just hear
those words?

To love, honor and cherish.

You don't love this man!
You don't honor him! You don't cherish him!

You know in your heart,
you know you were meant for something better.

Listen to your heart.
This man is not for you.

Don't go through with this!

He's right!

What? Allison...

MAN: Who is that guy?

Is this the First Lutheran?
No, Third Methodist.

God!

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

God!

Isn't it romantic?

Having our honeymoon on the
same ship where we met?

What?

I said,

♪ Isn't it romantic

♪ Merely to be young

♪ On such a night as this

♪ Isn't it romantic

♪ Every note that's sung
is like a lover's kiss ♪

I'm going to wash,
my dear.

And I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable.

Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable, too?

Like the sheets.

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES)

(SNEEZES)

Oh, geez.

Could you sneeze again?

(SNEEZES)

Uh, what's your name? Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?

I want you to know,

that whatever feelings of pain you might
have, I want to share them with you.

You think you're the only one
who's afraid of being hurt?

You think I'm not?

I'm terrified.

But you've gotta be willing
to feel a little pain,

or you'll never
feel any joy.

WARREN: Larry.

Hi, Warren.

Aw, Larry.

MAN: Help!

(SPLASH)

It changes, Larry.

It's not always gonna be like this.
It really does change.

It may not feel like it,
but things change.

Sure. What about you,
Warren?

Has it changed for you?
Yes.

It has?
Yes.

How?

I've met someone.

You have?

We're very happy.

Aw, that's really great,
Warren.

Oh, God, why can't I
be happy like Warren?

Oh, Iris.
We were so close!

I could have made
you happy, I know it.

If only fate could have
played a helping hand.

(SCREAMING)

Iris!
Larry, what luck!

Why were you jumping?

I was unhappy from the moment I said,
"I do."

Oh, Larry, I love you.

I finally realized
I can't live without you.

Oh, Iris,
I love you so much.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, my God.
That was a blast.

Oh. Hi, Warren.
Hi.

HUBBARD: It's really
a great night, isn't it?

IRIS: I just wanna
go home and be sneezed at.

Hey, Iris...
(SCREAMING)

Warren said
he met somebody.

Really, that's great,
Warren.

Who is she?

Well, I told her
to meet me here.

WOMAN: Warren!

Oh, here she is now.
Over here, honey.

Hi, Warren.

WARREN: Hi, honey.

You see, sometimes,
when two people meet,

it's really
the human will,

quietly, subconsciously
engineering its own destiny.

She's great,
isn't she?

Hey, look at
the four of us.

You know, I just can't think of
a more perfect ending than this.

IRIS: I can't either.

(DOG BARKING)

Hey, look at this guy!
Come here!

Look at him.

Come on. Come on.
There we go!