All language subtitles for Home.for.the.Holidays.1995]

* You got to change *

* You got to change
Your evil ways *

* Baby *

* Before I stop lovin' you *

* You got to change *

* Change *

* Baby *

* And every word
That I say is true *

* You got me rollin'
And hollerin' *

* All over town *

* You got me sneakin'
And peekin' *

* And runnin' around *

* This can't go on *

* Lord knows
You got to change *

* Baby *

* Mmm mmm mmm mmm *

* Mmm mmm mmm mmm *

* Mmm mmm mmm mmm *

* Mmm mmm mmm mmm *

* When I come home *

* Baby *

* My house is dark
And my pots are cold *

* You ain't 'round, baby *

* With Jean and Joan
And-a who knows who *

* I'm getting tired
Of waitin' *

* And foolin' around *

* I got somebody who want me
To feel like a clown *

* This can't go on *

* Lord knows
You got to change *

* Baby *

* When I come home *

* Baby *

* The house is dark
And my pots are cold *

* You hang around *

* Baby *

* With Jean and Joan
And-a who knows who *

* I'm gettin' tired
Of waitin' *

* And foolin' around *

* I got somebody who want me
To feel like a clown *

* This can't go on *

* Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Hey, yeah *

* Hey, yeah *

* Long gone, baby *

* Long gone *

* Oh, yeah *

* You got to change *

* It's all right now *

* It's all right *

* It's all right now *

* Say, hey, hey, hey *

Ah-choo!

Jesus.

Bless you.

Hi, Peter.

Hi, Claudia.

Could I see you
for a second?

[walkman playing]

Could I see you
for a second?

Sure.

So you going to leave
early today, right?

You're going to fly
home to your parents

for Thanksgiving?

Yeah,
I'm supposed to.

Good.

See you.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'm lost.

Where are
we going?

We're going
to my office.

Oh, God.

I'm lost in
that graffioli.

I'm in it, like I have
never been in anything.

I mean,
I'm working, studying,

struggling
year after year.

You know how I've been
working, studying,

struggling
year after year.

And it's technical,
I'm thinking, yes.

But today...

Whew.

My God!

It's like
he knows me.

And no time's
gone by at all.

Time doesn't matter.

You don't want
to eat or sleep.

You forget
what day it is.

'Cause that little
angel, Peter...

is so calm.

What's wrong,
Peter?

You ok?

You're fired,
Claudia.

I have to.

Oh?

We lost 90%
of our federal money.

You're my youngest.

Me?

Josh is...

J-J-Josh is 31.

Rose!
What is Rose?

They're assistants.
They'll be gone, too...

Ah-choo!

Within 6 months.

You can't fire them.
They're kids.

They've been here
since--

You're hurting me,
Claudia.

I'm sorry.

Let me go.

I'm sorry.

God.

I didn't mean
to do that.

Ah-choo!

God, I hate
the holidays.

[engine starts]

* That's life *

* That's life *

* That-- *

Mom, it's me!

Oh, Jesus, Kitt.

I'd better drive.
You're late.

[car door closes]

[car pulls away]

[radio playing]

Slow down.
I'm not that late.

God,
I ran all the way

because History

had that jerk
that drips death.

He kept us late
in English

because Kendall's
such a moron.

Slow...

down.

Ok, what's wrong?

I'm not gonna go.

I know you hate
to fly.

The wings
won't fall off.

They go
through the plane.

I know. I know.

What is wrong, Mom?

Nothing.

Everything. Nothing.

I had a not-so-good day
today, honey.

Check out

what you got to
look forward to--

Cigarettes
and junk food

and Gram's famous
stuffing, right?

I can't do it again.

Turn this car around.

You're going.

If I go, you go.

Yecch.

Your Uncle Tommy
won't be there,

and I can't face
the rest of them alone.

Not now.
Yeah. You're going.

End of discussion.

P.A.: The white zone

is for immediate loading
and unloading passengers.

This is it right here.
I've got my ticket.

I'm leaving
my umbrella,

and I smashed
my thermos inside.

Don't open it,
get cut,

and bleed to death
while I'm gone, ok?

Honey, this is
your last chance.

Do not panic.

Do not panic.

Just remember the fish,
when we went snorkeling.

We just floated--you,
me, and the angelfish.

I know. I know.
Just float.

Keep breathing.
I'll call you tomorrow.

I have Michelle's
number.

When do they
eat their bird?

Actually,
I'm having Thanksgiving

at Tim's house instead.

Here's his folks'number
in case of a real emergency.

Tim's house?

Don't call every
2 minutes. I'll die.

Michelle's sleeping
over at our place,

and Diana, right?
Yes.

You want to move
this vehicle, miss, please?

With you?
Yes.

Ok.

Oh, Mom.

I'm going to
have sex with Tim.

We love each other.

You told when the time
came, I'd know it.

We talked it out
like adults

'cause we're not jerks

and fully realize
this is a major step.

We're not taking
this lightly.

I just wanted you
to know that. That's all.

That we're
going to do it. That's all.

Safely...

and not in the car.

Move this vehicle, miss.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mom.

[man]
All right.

I'll see you
later.

Mom, Mom,
please accept

that I do
my own laundry now.

Dad, I don't know
what you're hearing.

My throat is fine.

I don't want to
take antibiotics.

I can't eat
that stuff anymore.

I'm sorry. There is
not a nuclear robot

on the moon.
So what if there was?

Excuse me.

Could you tell me
how this thing works?

Mom, I got to go,

or I'm going to
miss my flight.

She changed
everything we did.

Everything.

She wants
to be different.

Last year,
my daughter-in-law,

who's miserable
with her life

as a tax attorney,

she stuffed her bird
with oysters.

Oysters.

You know,
from the ocean?

Now, where
does a turkey

find an oyster?

That's my point,

but it's just
lost on her.

Lost.

Excuse me. May I?

Oh, uh,
excuse me.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

That stuff you shove up
your nose is addictive,

but you know that.

Aah!
Aah!

It's all right.

The wings go right
through the airplane.

Man: We're not even here now,
so please leave a message.

[beep]

Hi. Hi,
little brother.

It's your
big bad sister.

Where are you?

I'm on my way to
Henry and Adele's.

[gasps]

Look at the makeup
on that woman.

Which I know
is the last place on Earth

you want to drive a million
miles in holiday traffic

to be at,
and I don't blame you.

Have Thanksgiving
with your friends.

I would if I had any,
which I don't,

'cause then I'd have to
send them all birthday cards.

Which is a lie, of course,

because you know I'm
only looking for pity.

Jesus.

My, my, my.

Ahh.

Shit.

I really wish you were
going to be there, kiddo,

because--because
I am sick as a dog,

and I made out
with my boss,

and Kitt's going to
have sex with a teenager,

and then I got fired,

or the other way around.
Whatever. Oh, my God.

I cannot believe I have
said this to a machi--

I hate machines.

Please get rid
of this tape.

It's nothing.
It's absolutely no big deal.

I'm fine.

I just...

I just miss you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And...

Give Jack a big, big,
big, big hug for me.

That's it. Love, Clyde.

God.

That was moronic.

Oh, no. My son
is a moron.

You know...

he sells $1,000 suits
in Akron, Ohio.

Ha ha ha.

The idiot.

Mmm.

[airplane braking on runway]

Adele: Oh, there she is.

Henry:
Ah, there she is.

Oh, she looks
so skinny.

What's that thing
on her head?

Hi! Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Uh, no. I've got
a cold, Mom.

So watch out.

Dad.

Where's Kitt?

Stop taping.
I look awful.

You look terrific.

You knew
she's not coming.

Well, I hoped
against hope.

And where's your coat?

How can you leave town
without a coat?

I lost it.
Here.

How you lose a coat
I don't understand.

I've had these
for 10 years. Put it on.

Here. Look.

I can't read
in the car.

What's the weather
like in Chicago?

We had rain Monday,
so your father,

the newly retired
maniac I live with,

couldn't
get out to play.

So just to get my goat,
he sprained his wrist

lifting a box
I told him not to.

Even though
Stella Nimerill

and her
entire family--

Who?

You know Stella.

She's a chocaholic.

Now she's redoing
her whole house

in Chinese ducor.

Henry.

Henry. Henry.

Henry!

[tires screech]

Dad.

A car full of Larsons
almost died there.

Ha ha.

Speaking of teeth,

you see
that blue building?

Without enough
novocain,

I had two molars
extracted there.

Do you want
hear about pain?

Maybe later.

Not that building,
darling.

Not unless you
went to the vet.

That's where
we took Duffy

when he had that disgusting
fungus in both ears.

Poor Duffy,

hernia dog.

That and
ringworm, too.

I got it all
on tape,

right, Claudia?

Even the fungus.

I can see your roots,
Claudia.

Mom.

No. Help your poor
father instead.

Mom,
I can do that.

Headlights. Headlights.

She never shuts up,

something I didn't realize
when I was working.

You do this
all the time.

Put the car
in the garage.

Henry.

[muttering]

[meow]

Whew. Uhh.

Dad?

Dad?

Hi, Frank.

[gagging]

You under
the weather, too?

Adele: Hope you're
hungry, Claudia.

I made your
favorite meat loaf.

Henry: She doesn't
eat meat, my precious.

Where's your father?
Half the time, he's

hanging over my shoulder
with painted breath,

and then he vanishes.

Where's
my pocketbook?

Then, of course,
I'm always worrying

I'm never going to
see him again, right?

Mom, slow down, ok?

You're
making me nervous.

Ha! You nervous?

You're the rock
of Gibraltum.

Take that coat off,

or you'll melt
like a thermometer.

Aah!

Give me a kiss,
gorgeous.

Oh, God. Empty
the dishwasher first.

Now, Mrs. America.

Oh, ho ho.

God, wait till you

see
your father's organ.

He can't keep his
damn hands off it.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, honey! Oh.

[playing Puppy Love]

I can't believe

you're not going to call
your daughter tonight

to see if she's even
still in one piece.

Kitt's fine.

I promised
I wouldn't call her.

I couldn't sleep
without knowing

if my own
flesh and blood

was dead or alive.

But Kitt's not you,
and you're not me.

What the hell does
that mean, Mommy?

The yin and the yang,
that's what it means.

It means
that Kitt's ungrateful,

just like all these kids
these days.

Look at your sister Joanne,
the way she's ungrateful.

Mom, Joanne's
a saint.

That's for the pope
to decide.

Right now,
she's a pain in the ass,

under my feet
every 10 minutes.

Wait till she comes
barging in here tomorrow,

Little Miss Organized

with her fabulous
nutri-bird.

Wait a minute.

We're not doing
the turkey?

I'm doing my bird,
she's doing hers.

Don't ask.

You're not going to eat
that meat loaf, right?

Just because
it was once a cow?

What's the point of
eating raw meat, mother?

Well, there is no point.

I mean,
life makes no sense.

Look at you.

You paint as good as
Vincent van Gogh here.

So why isn't
some man from Japan

giving you $63 million
[telephone rings]

just for
one lousy picture?

Because I'm not a painter
anymore, Mom, right?

I work in a museum.

Don't you want to
answer the phone?

[ring]

Actually, I may not
be at the museum

all that much
longer anyway.

Just for
the hell of it,

I might change jobs.

Answer the phone,
Mom.

You know he won't.

Good evening.

I never heard of him.
Consult your directory.

It's too dry in here.

My goddamn pants are
sticking to my socks.

They fired you.

I n--

I n--

I'll kill them.
I mean it.

God, don't tell
your father.

I've got money
of my own.

I've got $1,000
hidden

under the living
room rug

just underneath
his TV.

I never said--
I only said

that I was thinking
about changing jobs.

I never said
they fired me.

I'm not broke.

Not right away.

I can take care
of myself.

I can take care
of myself, damn it.

Redi whip.

Smell it and weep.

Get out of here.
Go look at your tube.

I detected gas
in the kitchen.

He's lying.

All I know is,
when anybody comes in here,

they make a beeline

for your brother
Tommy's picture.

"Who did that?"
they say.

"My oldest, my smartest
daughter," I answer.

"But she's busy squandering
her god-given talent

"filling in the holes on
some dead people's pictures

in Chicago,
the windy city."

Then the closest I ever
come to being creative

is my goddamn stupid
puzzles, right?

Float.

Just float.

Oh.

Oh...

You need
a prescription.

It's a 24-hour bug.
It's just going around.

Jesus!

Oh, stop that
on the rug.

Come here,
gorgeous.

No. No!

No. I just ate.

Aah!

Ah.

* It's not unusual
To be loved by anyone *

* It's not unusual to
Have fun with anyone *

* But when I see you
Hangin' about with anyone *

* It's not unusual
To see me cry *

* I wanna die *

* Candy *

* I call
My sugar candy *

[knock on door]

Here's an alarm clock,
dear.

I have one.
Thanks.

But this one's
set for 5:10

to help
stuff my bird.

Sneak in
and shake me,

and then
we'll tiptoe down

and go stuff
the bird,

unbeknownst
to his majesty.

Dad, why'd
you do that?

Because he's infested
with jealousy.

Because it
was too bright.

It's supposed
to be a 3-way,

and now it is.

Ta-da.

Say, "thanks, Dad."

Thanks, Dad.

[rattle]

Mr. Fixit
all of a sudden.

He doesn't know
where anything is

in his own house,
which drawers.

I have to tell him
everything,

like a stranger.
And the way he drives.

You watch. One of
these days he's gonna

mow down a whole troop
of cub scouts.

And, of course,
I'm sure you've noticed

he's getting awfully
fat in his old age.

Boy, I'm beat.

I should unpack.

I was in the car wash
the other day.

Listen to this,
"Dear Abby--"

Oh, Mom, not Abby.

"I think my mother is losing
her grip on reality.

"All her life, she's
been this happy-go-lucky,

"outgoing personality,

"who cried a lot in private,

"but to strangers
was a barrel of laughs.

"Now lately,
she's gotten real bad.

"She wakes up every
morning frightened.

"And she gets real worked up
about war and crime

"and taxes
and those terrorists.

"And she thinks
the president

"secretly
owns McDonald's

and the Home Shopping
Channel."

"It's not funny."

"Signed, Distraught."

What did Abby say?

Well, that's not
the point, really.

What the hell

does Dear Abby know
about life anyway?

5:10 a.m.

Just
a little shove.

I barely sleep
anyway anymore.

[door closes]

[dog barks]

[tires screech]

* Who's the cat
That won't cop out *

* When there's danger
All about? *

* Shaft... *

Right on.

Right on.

* Shaft *

Get up. Get up.
Get up. We're here.

This is the spot.

Is this it?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Ah.

There's one of 'em.

Leo: The man of the house?

Leo: He looks dangerous.

Tommy: Oh, yeah.
He's a loose cannon.

Leo: Look out.

Come on.

Ok, I had a little
pumpkin pie.

Henry!

Ohh...

Hi.

Oh!

Tommy!

Tommy, you asshole!

Ooh!

You asshole!

No, no!
I'm with your son!

What the hell
is he doing here?

What?
Guy in the hall.

Oh, the guy...

I thought he was with you.

Heh.

What the hell
are these?

New toy.

Oh, God! Who's he?

Oh, that's Leo Fish.

Shit.

Who's that?

So I figured,

Mom's always got
a thousand-pound turkey.

Let's surprise her. Where
are you hiding Mr. Gobbles?

Is he down in the basement

with Dad's
stinky canaries?

Hi.

Hi. Guess Jack's not coming?

Ah! Tommy!

Put that back!

Oh, look what
your father did already

with his crazy fingertips.

That bastard.

[cat meows]

Oh, Frank! Frank!

Tommy:
Oh, this is Frank!

Are you losing
your mind yet?

How long have
you been here?

Uh...11 hours
and 14 minutes.

I'm not gonna make it.

[meow]

[mew]

He's not responding--

Mom, I have got the best
trendy booze for you.

It's apple
cinnamon liqueur.

We're pushing it
all over the northeast.

It's a huge hit, but you
get it first because

you are Adele Larson,
trendsetter.

Spin, Mommy.
Spin, Mommy.

* Mi grande madre *

with a light
merengue backbeat,

and you know
you're digging it.

That kid has moves, huh?

It's all in the hips.

You just got here, what,
a couple of minutes ago?

Tommy: 6 more of these.

Enough! Enough!

I'm gonna have a stroke
like Dot Kovak.

Oh, no. Dot schmot.

You got a little B&O
Railroad down there, ok?

Do a silkwood shower
for us, will you?

Put on a wig.

I'm starving.

Fish. Leo?

You on the grub?
Sure thing.

So catch me up.
How's Chicago?

How's our lovely niece
Miss Kitty?

Come here.
Come here.

Um...um...did you

check your messages
on your machine?

No. Been on the road
all day. Why?

And when you finally
do check them,

I was kind of...

What?

Fragile.

[splat]

Ooh!

Check out that Leo,
will you?

He used to be a cook,

short-order variety,
in Montana.

Now he's in Boston,
and he's mine.

All mine.
Aren't you, Leo?

You bet.

He's taking over
half my territory.

I'm introducing
him around.

Excellent.

He's cute.

He's swell. How's
Jack?

How's Jack?
Yeah.

How's Jack?

How's anyone?
It's the nineties. Come on.

Dance. Jump in the yolk.

Jump in the yolk, huh? Right,
Fish?

Whatever you say,
fowl.

You remember.

She remembers.

Punch your teeth in.

Couple of bachelors
on the road,

a girl in every port.

Life is just one big
Hawaiian luau

for your brother
and that boy Leo.

Oh, come on, Mother.
Leo's with Tommy.

They're together.

[humming]

Obviously,
there's something wrong

between Tommy and Jack,
and I was not told.

I've made up a list.
Some last-minute foods

for Mr. Bigmouth
and his friend.

Then I want you all
to hurry up

and go get your Aunt Glady

before I have to hear
how we forgot she exists.

Mom, close the door
behind you, ok?

No?

Ok, no problem.

I usually shower
in public.

I have no pride.
I have no rights.

I'm only
4 years old.

Hee hee!

[grunting]

Hee hee!

It's me! Mr. Wonderful.

I swear to God, Tommy,
I'm naked in here,

and I am too old--

Hee!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh! Oh! Oh-oh!

Whoo! Whoo!

Tommy!

They are the worst!

Hut!

Clyde! Clyde!
Get off the phone now!

You're not being
an American!

I don't get it. What?

Nobody's answering.

Don't worry about it.

We're going to go
get some tickets.

I'm going long.
I'm going long!

Go, Fish.
That's it! Go, Fish!

I'm going long!

Oh!

Ho ho!

My hero.

I'll trade you my peewee
for your groceries.

No, no, no.

You feeling
a little foolish?

Sure. Something
wrong with that?

Whatever works
for you.

The star player,
Leo, a.k.a. "go" Fish!

I'm starting
the nose story.

You don't mind,
do you?

He's deep in the pocket!

Let's roll! Oh!

Score!

It is a score!

It is a score.

Leo, come on.
It's your story, bambini.

Hook me up.
What happened next?

Nothing.

Oh! Leo breaks his nose.

All afternoon,
blood and yellow

is flying out of his nose.
It's Amityville,

but Go Fish
is unfazed. Unfazed!

Way to go, Leo.
Kick ass!

Tommy!

Get over here and
unlock this car...now.

The point is
he can't sleep

because he can't breathe
right all weekend.

Who cares?
Who gives a rat's--

No. I think Leo cares.

I think we've
heard enough, Tommy.

Come on.
Enough with this.

So his parents
are concerned.

They cart him off
to a nasal specialist.

Guy pulls out
these big tweezers.

Ooooh!

Tommy, ok,
there's no point.

But he learned
this story somewhere.

So we're back
to the doctor's, see?

He's rooting around
up inside his schnoz.

Obviously this guy's
not a big wiper.

He smells light poo-poo
on the fingers.

Oop! Contact! Contact!

What was originally
this cyst

full of pukey bubbles
and pellets

has now grown into
a horrible, shiny,

fleeceless, disgusting,
skinless ferret.

Then they had to pull out the
power tools

to pull
that damn thing out.

It came flying out
of there

in the pus and blood
and poop.

It took out
half your brain.

It was just horrible.

There was just shrapnel
and people

and the smell--
Smell it.

Smelled like
a horse's butt flap.

Stop!

Stop it!
[tires squeal]

Whatever you say,
babe.

I meant you, not the car.

Be specific.

I just don't remember it
being this bad.

Of course not,
love bug.

It's denial,
you know?

Basically, it's
the kind of thing

that would
have flown out

of Clyde's uterus.
Ha ha ha!

Your...poonie?

Out! Tommy! I'm out!

You guys have
so much fun!

That was wrong.

That feels wrong.

So much fun!

Have fun. Yeah.

Have...

a lot of fun.

You've hurt
her feelings.

I hurt her feelings?

Get your skinny little
ass back in here!

Come on, Clyde!

People are looking
at your wardrobe.

Claudia,
he didn't mean it.

He didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.
Come on.

[guns engine]

[tires squeal]

Woman: Claudia?

Claudia Larson?

It's Ginny Drewer.

Ginny Johnson Drewer.

Ginny-- Ginny Johnson?
[horn honking]

Homecoming--

[honk honk]
Uh...

queen?
Yes!

Claudia Larson.
Most likely to succeed.

Ha ha!
I'm in Miami now.

With Ron.
Yo, Claudia.

Long time no see.

[honk]
Likewise, Ron.

[tires squeal]

But you're divorced,
huh? You and Eddie?

[tires squeal]

Years ago.
[honk honk]

Actually, we were
never even married...

[Tommy guns engine]

Oh. My mother said
that your mother said

you're in St. Louis.
[tires squeal]

Chicago.

But I mean, not living
back here in...

I'm certainly not
living back here.

This is not
my enormous coat.

[honk honk]
I, of course,

lost the stylish one
that fits me

at the airport.

So, where's your son?

Don't you have a little...
Daughter!

She's not so little.

I mean,
she's not fat.

She's 18.

Hey, gosh,
speaking of coats,

isn't yours endangered?

This? Yes. But I mean--

You know, it wasn't--

It wasn't
when I bought it.

Well, then, I guess
you did your part, huh?

Oh! Drive, Ron!

That was very good.
Thank you.

Ah, no sweat.

No sweat.
Very clever.

I have this fantasy--

I don't want
to hear about it.

And my kid is 16,
not 18.

Yes, I started early,
but not thatearly.

Am I, like, totally
turning you off?

Are you what?

Just say so if I am,
please.

What do you expect?

Jack meant
a lot to me.

Jack again?

This guy's starting
to piss me off.

Jack was special.

I thought
he was the one.

Ah-choo!
Bless you.

Maybe Jack was
an honest mistake.

You know, shit happens.

Why should I discuss
this with you?

Don't worry. I didn't
believe your kid was 18.

Do I look worried?

You look a little tense.
You do.

Well, I'm
certainly not worried

about what you think.

I don't even know you,

so how can
I be worried--

Tommy: Mother of Christ,
come on!

[radio]
* Well-a, don't you know *

Aunt Glady's waiting.
We got to go.

* Everybody knows that
The bird is the word *

Let's go.

Clyde, come on.

Come on!

Come on. I'm serious.

* A-well-a, everybody's
Heard about the bird... *

[guns engine]
Tommy!

Ooh...

That's better.

Yeah.

Your plants are so beautiful,
Aunt Glady.

How many
do you have now?

210.

Hmm. That's a lot.

Want to see
a really big boil?

No, thank you.
Not today.

Oh...here.

I hate a lot of lipstick.

Your mother uses
too much of that...

orange goop that all
the prostitutes love.

I think I--ahem--

I think I smell gas
in the kitchen.

Do you want me to...

Claudia, I won this
on The Price is Right,

and I want you
to have it.

You're the only one

who'll ever appreciate
the birdies.

Oh, now?
You want me to--

I-- I couldn't--

Take it! Otherwise,
my landlord will.

He sneaks in
whenever I leave.

Yaah!

[gasps]

Claudia!
Is this your car?

It looks like
a carnival ride!

Jeez, it's really
hot back here.

I'm frigging boiling.
And my leg

is gonna to fall asleep
in this position.

[loudly passing gas]

Was that you?
No!

[passing gas]

How fast can
you go, Tommy?

Like the wind, honey.

[tires screech]

[screech]

Glady! Glady!

I'll-- I'll-- I'll...

Here we go.

Take the pie, Tommy.

Oh, no.

Tommy, can you...
Can you...

Here you go.

She flashed me, Clyde.
She flashed me.

Jeez.

[giggles]
Welcome home.

Where's Henry?

Where is he?

He's vacuuming.

Another new hat?

I made his favorite--
Key lime pie.

I hate that color
on you, Glady.

Key lime pie!

M&Ms?

Claudia,
come into the kitchen.

See what's
in the furnace room.

The furnace...
I imagine.

Claudia,
go check the furnace.

Do it for your mother.

[snores]

Put that by the olives,
the bag.

Yes, ma'am.

I don't know, Mrs. Larson.

It looks perfect to me.

You got 20, 25 pounds...

Hey.
Oh!

Good news.

Leo might almost
actually like you.

Shh! I'm going
to kill her.

Why?

Russell Terziak
is in there.

Russell Terziak.

The Russell Terziak.

* Sad Sack Terziak *

Shh!

I broke his heart.

You gave him
his first blow job.

And I crushed him.

There's nothing wrong
with her boiler.

She has 20, 25 pounds
per square inch pressure.

She will not rest unless
I marry this guy.

What the hell is wrong
between you and Jack?

'Cause you don't tell me,
you know?

You don't even call me.
I tell you everything.

This is a projection.
I'm fine. Jack's fine.

Do you want
to talk about it?

Is everything all right
or all wrong?

Yeah, as a matter of fact.

If you could tear yourself
away from Mr. Wonderful

for 2 seconds, we could
take a whack at it.

You're the one staring
at his...everything.

Yeah, a pretty boy.

Born that way.

Adele: * Eggnog, eggnog *

Please, a puss like that?

* Eggnog *

You love it.

And I also brought
Russell a treat.

Working like this
on Thanksgiving.

Russell, you get
right over here

and take an eggnog break.

And look who's
home for the holidays!

Get! Get! Get!

I want to watch Clyde.

Do it for me.

Go! Go!

Hi.

Hi-- Hi, Claudia.

Hello, Russell.

You got a...

Hiya.

Whoo, whoo.

Mm-mmm, good.

Here's something
you've got to see!

Oh, no, I don't think
I want to see this.

Sure, you do.

A day off to visit
their families,

so I'm all alone
this year.

This is the saddest sack
in the universe.

I don't have
anybody anymore.

My brother and sister
got canned and left town.

Then my parents
went and died on me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.

Yeah, well, you know.

It was a car wreck.
It was last summer.

Drunk driver,
cut right across

the, uh, what was that,

uh, the meridian.

And...pow, pow.

It was a...head-on.

So, like I said,

I don't have anybody
anymore, really.

[crunch crunch]

uh...nowhere to go,
you know, today.

Uh, no family or nothing.

Um...but I guess, uh,
everybody sort of needs me,

you know?

I mean, everybody needs
heat, right? Huh?

[giggling]
Oh, yes.

Ha ha ha.

And, uh...

they're counting
on somebody to be there.

And, hey,
that's me today.

[pager beeps]

See?

Yeah, but--but--but
what--what, um...

Sh...

Didn't you have
a girlfriend, or...

Yeah. She went and married
my best buddy, right?

Ha ha ha...

Boy, you look, uh,

you still look
so beautiful, Claudia.

[voice catches]

Oh...God, I do not.

Ah, you do, too.

[giggles]

Well, I guess--
Well, this was nice.

Yeah, it was nice.

I'm kind of glad
your furnace acted up.

You know,

maybe next year
will be better for you.

Hey, yeah. Or, uh,

or worse. Hah.

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, Russell.
How are you?

How you doing?

How about them
Panthers, huh?

What?

3 big ones, huh?

Oh, my God!

That's, like,
big winners.

[sighs]
Well, duty calls.

Yeah.

Um, merry Christmas,

if I don't ever
see you again.

[opens door]

You have a nice life,
Claudia.

[door closes]

She'll bounce back.

Trust me on this.

She feels her feelings
when she feels them.

Feelings come up, and
she actually feels them,

which is great.

She'll bounce back.
Trust me.

[humming
The Marines' Hymn]

Aooga! Battle stations!

Aooga! Battle stations!

The wonderful Wedmans
are here!

Claudia, is this you?

Is this you?
Oh, my God.

Look at that Charlie's
Angels hairdo!

Please put that down.

They're not moving.
They're playing possum.

I'm no fool.

I'm gonna flush them
out of the bunker.

Tommy, don't start
right in on Joanne.

Please don't.

No answer, still.

They must be...

eating.

That's his car.

We'll do our best
to ignore him, Walter.

Don't let him get to us.
He thrives on that.

I was told he wouldn't
be here, Joanne,

so I didn't
prepare myself.

I'm going to sit here
for a minute

and prepare myself.

Mom, this gravy's
leaking.

If it ruins
my dress, I'll--

What, you'll sue us?

Grrr!

Grrr!

Lock the doors.

[grunting]

Aaah!

Grrr!

T-rex.

Grrr!

Mom, tell him to stop.

That does it.
That's it.

Hey, Mr. Funny Business.

Hi, Jo,
how are you?

Where you been?
We ate already.

What? Your mother
distinctly said--

Walter, he's lying.

Get out of here.
Give me that food.

No, no, no,
don't touch.

Stop him,
Walter.

Let me give you
a hand with that.

Brittany Lace,
hug your Aunt Claudia.

Hey, Brittany.
I've got a cold.

Where's Mom?

She's in
the kitchen.

Give me some of that.
I'm Leo Fish.

I'm sorry,
you're what?

Fish?

Leo Fish.
That's his name.

Well, I guess
congratulations are in order.

No.
He's with Tommy.

I think something
awful's happened

between Tommy and Jack.

Yeah, and everybody
in town knows it.

Shouldn't we go
in there and--

They don't want us to.

We don't need all
these sweet potatoes.

Walter will eat them.

He's constipated again.

I hope you
made enough niblet corn.

I bet you forgot
the Jell-O salad.

Claudia, my hot pads
have labels on them

so you'll know where
what goes where.

I may pass out.

Some more?

It's good. It's sweet.

Not like that dry stuff
you sent me.

That's a sporty
necklace.

Did you
make that yourself?

Fruit Loops.

If one or two of you
helpless gentlemen

aren't busy,

you could give us a hand
with these crazy birds.

Not you, Henry.

You're not strong enough
with that wrist.

Let the younger
people do it.

Look what I did.

Isn't it
just too perfect?

Oh, it's
beautiful, honey pie.

Tommy, no.

Let big Walter
take mine in.

Beep-beep,
brother-in-law.

Hey, three Bs, huh?

He's a poet
and barely knows it.

Brittany, look,

Mommy left that
pubic hair in there.

Oh, you pig.

You got your tag up.
You want it up?

All right,
I'm coming.

Oh! Hey!

Aah! Jeez!

Mom. Mom,
let us, ok?

Just calm down.
Dad, you ok?

It's the last chance
for Jack-in-the-box.

Super tacos.
Jumbo Jack.

Sex. Drugs.

Cranberry sauce,

yams, gravy,
mashed potatoes.

Where are the carrots?

Here, here,
right here.

I got them.
Calm down.

I can't remember
everything.

I can't do
everything!

Nobody asked you to.

Come on.
Where is everybody?

People are starving
in the former Yugoslavia.

Henry:
Come on, let's eat!

All right, everybody,
sit down.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Who cares where
they're sitting?

Let's get on with it.

* We gather
Together *

* To ask the lord's
Blessing *

* He hastens-- *

* He--he hastens
And chastens *

* His will
To make known *

Ok.

Dear lord,

we are honored
that Leo Fish,

such an attractive man

sitting right next
to Claudia--

Joanne, doesn't your
sister look snazzy?

Spectacular.

New diet?

Henry: Dear lord,

we realizeth that lately

everything's changing
too damn fast,

and all sorts of things
are always the same,

even things we hated,

like shoveling the turkey,
stuffing the snow,

and going through the same
crap year in and year out--

Honey, the food's
getting cold.

As I was saying,
dear lord,

before my wife
interrupted me...

even those old-fashioned,
pain-in-the-ass traditions,

like Thanksgiving,

which really means
something to us,

even though God damn it,

we couldn't tell you
what it is,

are starting to stop,

and 1,000-year-old trees
are falling over dead,

and they shouldn't.

That's all from
this end. Amen.

Amen.

Awoman.

That was absurd,
let's eat dead bird.

Walter,
help Aunt Glady.

I only want my
own sweet potatoes

and one piece of white
meat, but with no skin.

Coming right up.
Coming right up.

Tommy, help
your father carve.

I'm not good at that.

Please.

Ma, I'll carve.

Sweet potatoes?

Give me that.

Your father can carve.

Your father
can play his organ.

Like nobody's
business.

You're
the best thing

on two legs,
Henry Larson.

Claudia,
Jell-O salad?

No, it's ok.
I'm-- I'm ok.

And I knew it
the very first second

I ever laid my eyes
on him, too.

Thanksgiving day, 1952,
2:00 in the afternoon,

my sister
brought that fellow

to our house
for dinner,

after his own mother had
stuffed him to the gills.

And still he ate...

like a horse
in a uniform.

Claudia, be a good girl.
Pass the cranberry sauce.

Oh, I couldn't take
my eyes off that...

dark blue uniform

and those bright
silver wings

and his big,
strong hands.

And he had
a little mustache.

I think
we should just--

Stay out of it.

I think we
got to hear this.

Go for it, Glad.

I was 18 years old,
and he was only 21,

and we were both
so nice-looking.

I can still taste
the salt on his lips,

those soft, soft lips,

and that tickly little--

Oh, tickly, tickly
little mustache.

I can still feel it
43 years later,

like a toothbrush.

He kissed me.

When?

One Christmas eve.

And for one
special moment,

my own little life

was as big as I could
ever want it to be.

To have someone
so close to you,

they're inside you,
when you're feeling

small and scared
and just...

so...disappointed
in yourself.

And whenever
I look at your father,

I know how lucky

my sister must be,

because he made all my
dreams come true for her.

I was a Latin teacher.

Holy shit.

Uh, Leo,

Leo, would you
pass my stuffing?

And tell us
what you did

before you went to work
for our boy.

I got fired a lot.

Oh.

Jesus Christ,

no relief
in sight here.

I'll cut it.

So, Walter, how's
the bank business?

Got any new
federal regulators

breathing down your
throat this week?

No, Henry,

we are quite
squeaky clean.

Oh, so I should give
you guys my money?

Well, Henry,
considering that

at the present
moment in time

cash is king--

I want that gravy.

No, it's terrible.

'Cause it's Joanne's,
not hers.

I was talking here.

Ah-choo!

Bless you.

When you say cash is
king, what's that mean?

Cash is
the fossil fuel that

keeps our economic
pistons pumping.

Who wants a leg?

You a leg man?

No, no, no.
He wants

lean white meat
from our turkey.

Never mind a leg.
Here, have a wing.

That's
an actual replication

of an actual
captain's wings.

Every year you
give me wings.

Then why ain't you
wearing them,

you little ingrate?

Dad,

don't.
Don't, Dad.

It's a joke. The kid
knows it's a joke.

Yeah, but
Joanne doesn't.

Is that my fault?

Hey, caveman.

Aah!

Whoo!

That's what we need--

people making things,
buying things.

Buying, making.

Please sit down.

Give me a kiss.

Thank you.

We just get loaded down
with all this stuff

that we don't need.

We get fat, like, uh,

human cholesterol
or something.

Is that my fault, too?

What? What
are you saying?

Human cholesterol stuck
in the system, right?

Big gobs of human fat

choking the economy.

Too much stuff,
yeah.

What? Where?

Everywhere.

We carry around all
this excess baggage.

Exactly. What's wrong
with this guy?

You bet your ass.
Cholesterol,

that's what I got.

That's all this bozo in
the White House is up to.

No politics
on Thanksgiving.

What Walter
was trying to say,

Mr. Fish,
is that cash is king--

The point
I was making,

if I might make
my own point,

is that
it is high time

all banks
got back to some

rock-solid loan
fundamentals again,

for heaven's sakes!

Easy, Walter, easy.
Don't let--

No, Claudia. Enough already.
For heaven's sakes,

it's high time
we all did. Get back.

Oh, your pills, Dad,
the ones with food.

The high pressure ones
in your pocket.

What pills?

How can I
forget them?

If I forget
them,

your mother
reminds me.

I don't mean
anything political.

You eat too much.
He eats all day long.

We're America.

I open the cabinets
and there it is.

You're paying for it.
Eat what you want.

Don't encourage them.

Oh, excuse me,
Ms. Siddhartha.

Don't comment on things
you don't understand.

Don't start with me,
because you'll lose.

I said common sense,
damn it.

Nobody makes
sense anymore.

Nothing makes
sense anymore.

Right! Not even
this goddamn bird.

Did you spot weld
this, Mom?

Oh.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

You cocksucker!

Mommy!
Walter: Sit down!

Baking soda.
Baking soda.

You goddamn bastard!

You ruined
my Mommy!

Get it off me!

You goddamn bastard!

Get it out
of her lap.

Ok, ok careful.

Aah!

Oh, shit.

Honey, it's ok.

Look at my tie.

Joanne, look at
your father's tie.

It's useless.
I know how you feel.

You don't know
how I feel,

and, in my opinion,
you don't even care.

Opinions are like
assholes, honey.

Everybody's got one

and everybody thinks
everybody else's stinks.

Henry, for Christ sakes!

This has been a complete
holiday nightmare!

I have to go.

Oh, God, Joanne,
nice drama queen energy.

Can you just set it down

so it gets better for once
instead of worse?

You're calling me
a drama queen, Mr. Pervert?

Ahem.

Dad, put
the camera down.

Right now.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Mom, Dad,
wait, wait, wait.

Try to think back
like a hundred years ago--

I'm dead serious--

Back when you guys came back
from the hospital with Joanne.

Tommy.

Now, she was just
a tiny little baby, right?

So anything could happen.
Is it possible there

was a baboon family
in the hospital

and that
there was a mix-up?

And maybe you
got the wrong one?

'Cause I'm not kidding
about this.

You little sleazy...

Aw, gee.

Claudia, it's not
even worth it.

No, you're--you're
calling me a freak?

No, I'm calling you
a product of baboon loving.

There's a distinction.

Joanne.

No, don't muzzle me!

We both know I am the only
normal person here! I am!

I know.
I just--

Your secret's safe
with us, cheetah.

My secret?
Oh, that's great.

Let's talk
about secrets, huh?

Congratulations, honey.

May you and your husband
live happily ever after,

Mrs. Gordon, or whatever
you call yourself now,

or he does.

Did you wear a dress?

Did you wear a white veil
or a blue garter belt?

What are you talking about?
You make as much sense--

No shit.
You and Jack?

Yeah.
When?

3 months ago.

When what? What?

We'll talk about it
later, ok?

Yeah, now's
not the time.

Where?

On a public beach.

All his darling little
friends were prancing around

like idiots and falling
all over each other.

He kissed him on the lips,
right in front of...

Oh, I could throw up.

Mommy, I'm too bored.
I have to go home.

Tommy.

What?

Did you
wear a dress?

No.

Sorry.

You know, I have friends
in Boston, Tommy.

Did you ever
think of that?

You know there's other
people in this world,

people who tell people.

I mean,
how embarrassing.

Dessert looks pretty good.

You thought
that I was--

I forgot to tell her.

That Tommy and I were--

Yeah, ok? Yeah.

It's ok, honey.
Come on. Hmm?

Just sit down,
Joanne.

So, Claudia,

we haven't heard
a peep from you.

How's your
glamorous life?

Hee hee.

My glamorous life...

My life.

My little life.

Tommy?

Your glamorous life?

Hit me.

It's all right?
The glamorous part.

Well, she was just fabulously
fired from her job.

You know plenty.

I check my messages.

Shall I continue?

Oh, yeah.

All right, well,

uh, niece Kitty is
probably, definitely

losing her virginity

and perhaps getting
pregnant simultaneously

this very
as-we-speak-end.

Kind of like,
well, uh, like--

Kind of
like her mom.

Like her mom.

And that is pretty much it
for her glamorous life.

No, uh-uh, 'cause,
uh, the boss thing.

Oh, my God,
that's right.

She was also making out
with her 60-year-old boss.

Why did you do that?

Just 'cause.

Just for scuzz.

Nobody tells me
anything around here.

* Henry *

* Henry *

* Give me
Your answer, do *

* I'm half crazy *

* All for the love
Of you *

* It won't be
A stylish marriage *

* I can't afford
A carriage *

* You'll look sweet
Upon the seat *

* Of a bicycle
Built for two *

Nice work, guys.

As usual, I'll
go calm her down.

No, no,
I'll go.

I said I would.

Oh, Jesus Christ!
I'll go. It's my wife.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
I'll go. It's my fault.

I'm sorry.
I just acted like I was 2.

Ok, the rest of us,
we'll just sit here

in the dark

and keep
each other company.

Right, Glady?

Company.

What else
is there?

Mommy, where
are you, please?

Shut the door.

Are you ok?

You look--

You look ok.

It's all relative.

Nobody means what they say
on Thanksgiving, Mom.

You know that.

It's what the day's supposed
to be all about, right?

Torture.

That and giving thanks
that we don't have to

go through this
for another year,

except we do,
'cause those bastards

went and put Christmas
right in the middle,

just to punish us.

Come on, let's go out
and keep eating, ok?

It'll all be ok
if we just stuff ourselves

till we can't even
think anymore.

No, it won't.
You don't have a job,

my 16-year-old
granddaughter

is hopping into bed with
her mother's blessing,

and my sister's
losing her mind.

I mean, all that
sick gobbledygook

about when we were kids,
and Henry--

Everybody's ok.

And Tommy's
somebody's wife.

Mom, no, no.

Uh, everybody's
growing up.

We're all growing up.

Boy, if that isn't
the nail on the head.

Oh, look at my feet.

Ooh!

Look at your sneakers.

What's with
your sneakers, Ma?

Oh, bunions.

I thought I'd cut some
holes in the canvas

so as to
relieve the pressure.

My dad.

Yeah, but big deal.

What's it gonna
be next week?

[knock on door]

What is this,

a couple of women on the verge
of a nervous breakdown?

I hope you're
happy, Thomas,

I hope it was
a nice wedding,

and I hope one
of these years,

you'll send your poor
devastated mother some pictures.

We didn't take
any pictures.

Then don't
send me any pictures.

Who would I
show them to anyway?

How do you even know
it happened?

'Cause I was there, Jack
was there. It happened, ok?

It had nothing
to do with you.

Tell me that's all right.

If only my children
were happy.

Mom, stop.

We're not unhappy!

You are so unhappy.

You didn't do anything
wrong. Wait, wait, wait!

What, what, what?

Enough!

You're a pain in my ass,
you have bad hair,

but I like you a lot.

Well, you know me.

I can't change.

Believe me...

neither can I, Ma.

Even as a little boy...

you didn't
want us too close.

Joanne...

what a dick.

I'm impervious. In one ear
and out the other.

Life goes on.

Tommy: All the way!
Go! Go!

Oh, another one!

Little Walter:
My turn.
Let me have it.

Larson fades back.
Give it to me.

He's never felt this
kind of pressure before,

this relentless
a pursuit

in his whole career.

All the way!

All the way!

All the way, Tom!

He was right
in my way.

59-0.
This is a blowout.

That's not fair. You
can't be washing the car

and playing football
at the same time.

You have to soak
this whole tablecloth

in vinegar and lemon juice
now, Mother, and right away.

I have to burn it
in hell.

That goes over there.

Thank you.

Watch me do this.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it!

Hello? Guess who this is.

Hey, Jo,

if you want to get
out of that dress,

I got some stuff
upstairs.

No, I don't want to
get out of this dress.

It's nothing
you'd be caught dead in,

but I love this dress.

That's not
what I meant.

It's Kitt. She wants
to talk to Aunt Claudia.

Oh, Kitt!
Kitt, it's grandmother.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Are you all right?

Oh, I'm stuffed.
I can't move.

Well, don't do anything
strenuous. Promise?

How's Mom?
[snorts]

Tim, cut it out.

She's like a rock,
which gives me hope

that my granddaughter
will show common sense.

I never called you.

Oh, my God,
you know what?

I gave you the wrong
number by mistake.

So, how's it going?

God, I miss you
so much.

You forgive
them anything

just because
they got out.

Wow, Chicago!
Wow, Boston!

Joanne,
I'm hearing this.

So what?
Be my guest.

Honey, I'm going to
try to sneak

across the kitchen

to someplace
nice and safe.

[snorts]

Tim, I mean it.

God.

Little kitten,
little kitten.

It's me again.

Hi, you again.

Well?

Where are you now?

I'm here.

I said well...

Well, what?

You know perfectly well
"well, what?"

Oh, that.

Yes, that.

So did you?
Did you--

No! God, Jesus!

Is that all you can think
about, sex on the brain?

Tim's being a jerk
all of a sudden.

He keeps grabbing me,
putting his hand up my dress,

making noises like a horse.

I'll talk
to his mother.

Mom, I can
handle it, ok?

Just relax.
Just remember the fish.

Huh?

The angelfish,
when we went snorkeling?

Claudia,
it's getting dark.

How am I going to get home?
I can't walk.

I know, I know.

We'll drive you.
We'll drive you.

That fish.
The angelfish.

Just float. Just relax.

Just remember the fish, ok?

Ok, honey. Honey?

Remember the fish, Mom.

Hike.

I'm on your Uncle Tom.
No touching.

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,
3 Mississippi--

You're touching!
No switching!

No switching.
You said no switching!

Ah, ha ha ho ho.

What the hell...
34-zip.

Oh! 34, huh?

34-zip, huh?

What're you doing?
That's my car.

What're you doing? What're you
doing to my car, huh?

Oh, what the...
That's my car, you putz!

Get off me, you punk!

You're such a--

If you ever call my
wife a name again--

Come on, guys,
knock it off.

Did my sister
call you anymore?

[all shouting]

Knock it off.

Oh!
[whack]

Ah...oh!

Are you all right?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

What the hell...

You made me
hit my friend!

I didn't hit your friend.
I didn't touch your friend--

Hey! Ah!
You get off!

Hey, what
are you doing?

Hey, it's ok.

Go back to your own
goddamn holidays.

Weenie!

Come on, guys--
Control your son!

Come on, shake hands.
This is stupid.

He's stupid.
Cut it out!

Stop! Stop it!
Leave us alone.

Come on, come on,
let's go home.

Into the house,
everyone,

before we're
on the evening news.

Bonehead.

Lost cause!

Aw, shit. Deck the halls.

I can't wait
for goddamn Christmas.

Hey, why don't
we get naked

and go into the fresh
evening air, and we--

Sit down, let me
dry your hair--

Henry: Ok, that's it.

We're selling this dump.
We're moving.

Can't take the shame.

[telephone rings]

Answer that,
will you, Tubby?

Me? What if it's
one of your bingo women,

or your idiot cousin

reminding us
which day is trash day?

Answer it. I'm busy.

[growls]

[ring]

Herro,
Rawrson lesidence.

Oh, uh, hiya, Jack.

Same to you.
Grand old time.

Here he is, soaking wet.

Had to hose
the genius down.

Oh, uh, Jack, uh...

I think I mean this...

uh...congratulations.

You-- You're a good kid.

Uh, you deserve
a lot better.

Hi.

Hi, baby, how are you?

God, I miss you.

Ahh, I'm not
going to make it.

You're going to be fine.

Just relax
and take a big breath.

How's my real family?

Great, everybody loves you.

They're all here, eating
turkey in our bed--

Come home,
Tommy.

And Susan says come home.

I miss you, man.

I dropped
a 24-pound butterball

on Joanne's lap
just for laughs.

She's fine, actually.
She's really--

She's grown
and changed a lot.

You're not really
gonna sell the house,

are you, Dad?

You want a beer?

Want some wings?

How about money?

Sure,
I'll take a beer.

Nothing fancy.
No imported shit.

Here's to us.

Americans.

Enormous TV.

Too big.

* I want to be
Loved by you *

* Just you
Nobody else but you *

* I want to be
Loved by you alone *

* A poo poo pe do *

* I want to be-- *

I'm watching
the game, ok?

It's kind of funny,
but it's not,

it doesn't sound good.

This is bad.

This doesn't
sound good, ok?

Clyde, can you get
the Captain and Tennille

off the keys, here?

You have so much
in common.

Sure will.

You tell me.

How do you do it?

How do you keep--
how do you keep--

Who, me?

* I pick myself up *

* I dust myself off *

* I start
All over again *

Ooh, I feel a medley
coming on.

Fish, we're friends.
Don't blow this.

Joanne-- Claudia,
here's Joanne's leftovers

and her goddamn tupperware
she conveniently forgot.

I don't want them
rotting here overnight

before she comes
in the morning

to drag me off
Christmas shopping.

Tonight?

I got to go over
to Joanne's tonight?

Yeah, my hair's wet,
can't find my underwear,

and who knows
the trouble I'd get into?

Take my car.
The keys are in here,

got a full tank.

Ma, we got a carcass
to pick.

Claudia, you and Mr. Fish
take Aunt Glady home

before they start
singing again.

Oop.

You ok?

My safety light's
on again.

Magic.

Where's your key, so I--

I leave it unlocked.

I can manage.

Uh, Aunt Glady,

could I use
your men's room?

It's a long ride
back home.

Come on.

She's as clean
as a whistle.

You should meet
my Aunt Harriet someday.

* Hmm, pick yourself up *

* Dust yourself off *

[humming]

Ah.

This is mine.
You can't have it.

She gave it to me.

There we go.

Tommy said that you
were big on cappuccino.

Black-- I like it black.

What else
did he say about me?

You sounded
kind of cut off--

Sad and hassled

on the phone
from the airplane.

Kind of shaky.

So I figured--

So you did come up here
to... you know...

take care of the--the--

Your brother showed me
your picture, ok?

Hey. That picture
of you?

That was something else.

Hey. Just 2 coffees
to go,

regular, decaf,
doesn't matter--

We're closed.

No, you're not.

Yeah, we are.
We're closed.

No, no, you
can't be because

I'm standing right here
in front of you,

and you're too young
to understand

how desperate I am

just to have
this great date

because you think
like I felt at your age,

that there are

a million wonderful
girls out there

just waiting
to make you happy.

Right?

You are wrong.
You are so wrong.

Now give me 2 coffees,
will ya?

Was I naked?

Were you what?

In the goddamn picture
that Tommy showed you.

Wow...shaky. I can't
believe you said that.

I'm not shaky.

2 to go.
You just can't stay here.

Yeah, you're closed,
I know.

You know,
remember I told you

I had this fantasy
about you?

It's a simple thing.

Want to hear
about it yet?

No.

Well, aren't--
Aren't you even curious?

Nope.

Why not?

I mean, I'm letting you
climb inside my head.

So you don't
want to hear

about
this fan-- Oh...

No, no, no, 'cause,
you know, you're weird.

I'm weird? No, no.

The whole world
is weird,

and it is getting
weirder every day.

So...you're nuts.

I'm nuts? I'm nuts.

You know what
happened in Sweden?

You didn't hear
about this?

No.

Doctors cured a deaf man

by yanking
a 47-year-old bus ticket

out of his ear.

So don't tell me about
cotton up my nose,

and in
the next 47 years,

at the present rate of
progress, these new doctors

are going to tell you
the day you're born,

what kind of horrible
disease you'll die from.

Plus, now in California,

these people
throw birds in your car

while you're waiting
at the stoplight.

No.

Yeah. So you
better lighten up,

because that's
the way it's gonna be

every year of our lives,
wherever we are,

until we all just
dry up or blow away

or get hit by a bus.

Are you through?

No.

Give me the goddamn
time of day, will you?

[doorbell rings]

[ring ring ring]

Ahem.

Aw, shit.

I left all her crap
in the backseat.

How the hell you doing,
Walter?

Here,
let me help you.

I can manage.

She can manage.
Boy, can she manage.

Hey, is your mom around?

She's
in the basement.

She got so upset,
she's working out.

Thanks.

Joanne?

Step, ball, change.
Step, ball, change.

Joanne.

Step, ball, change.

Look, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

All I want to do
is stop the carnage.

I don't know when
I'll be back,

and I feel awful,
because Mom--

Mom and Dad...

We don't have to act like
we're 10 years old, Joanne.

I'm 10.

I know, sweetie.
Scoot upstairs

so I can speak
to your mother

for 2
goddamn seconds.

If I ever talked
that way--

Stay the hell out
of it, Brittany!

Do not yell at my kid.

You got one someplace,
don't you?

You said
a bad word.

I'm not perfect.

Look, I said I was sorry.

Well, that's great.

You know, you just think

you're so much better
than we are.

What? Huh?

Take it easy!

Do you have
to do this

in the house?

Mommy and Aunt Claudia
are fighting.

Joanne, you need
your head examined.

Don't tell me
what I need!

Mom needs her puzzles,
and she needs to lose

everything single thing
she owns 40 times a--

and Dad needs
to wash every car

in the neighborhood
until his fingers bleed,

and they both need to keep
me going 24 hours a day,

7 days a week, trying to
anticipate every single thing

that could go wrong.
So, don't.

What's going
to happen to them,

They're going
to explode?

They're getting old.

We're all...
getting old.

That's great.
That's great, Claudia.

Should I just run away
like you and Tommy?

Just live it up--
No grown-up responsibility.

Just wallow in your
own exotic little lives.

You don't know the first
thing about me, Joanne.

Nothing.

Oh, likewise I'm sure.

If I just met you
on the street...

if you gave me
your phone number?

I'd throw it away.

Um...

We don't have to
like each other, Jo.

We're family.

Do you mind?

This is the only thing
I do all day

that I like.

I'll let myself out.

When you go home,

do you look around
and wonder,

"who are these people?

Where did I
even come from?"

you look at them all
sitting there, you know?

They look familiar,

but who the hell
are they?

It's like...
do you feel this way?

Oh, sure. Par, par,
bogey, bogey, par, par.

That's what I get
all summer.

My dad plays golf,

and I ask him,
"how's your game, Dad?"

and he tells me
his latest round was,

"par, par, bogey, bogey,
par, par, son."

Like I'm picturing
every hole.

I don't even know
how to play golf.

I don't even know

what expression
to put on my face.

I swear to go,
I want to scream...

but...

I just smile because...

'Cause I figure
he wants to scream, too.

I'm starving.

Me, too.

All right! We gotta
have some of this.

I like this.
Where's milk?

On the door.

That's it?

Sure.

I'll never eat again.

I'm horrified about
what I've put in my mouth

in the last 25 hours
and 11 minutes.

Um...

you know, I don't know
that much about art.

I know about liquor
and food and...

Hold still. You got something
between your teeth.

What?

Secret ingredient.

Get it out.

Shut up. Hold still.

Ah ah ah...

Hey, what if my parents
catch us?

No TV for the week.

Ahhh...

That wasn't me.

I'm sorry. I tried.
I honest to God tried.

I'm sleeping here.

You're supposed
to be on the couch.

I'm sleeping here.

So, what's going on?

What are you all up to?

Hmm...

Did Leo tell you about
this bad lunch meeting

we've got
in Salisbury tomorrow?

No, I-- I didn't...

get a chance...

It's early.
I figure we have to leave

before dawn, so...

I'm going to
make myself scarce.

No. You know what?

I will.

Go get her, pal.

She's got her own room.

You son of a bitch.

Be smart.

Don't be stupid.

Be smart.

[knock on door]

Knock, knock.

Go away.

Who's there?

Leo.

Leo who?

You can't come in.

This is
my childhood bedroom.

I'm not. I'm not.

I'm standing out here
in the hall,

talking
as quietly as I can

because your father

has a great big
baseball bat.

Remember?

And I am taking
a huge chance.

That's what life
is all about.

That only sounds good
when you say it, Leo.

I am way too old
for that.

Way too...

What are you, 70?

80?

And we live so far apart.

1,500 miles.
It's a commute.

You're scared.

I just need to go home

and--and--nag my kid

and--and--
and read a good book

and find a job.

Oh, be brave.

Don't be scared.

Come on.

Leo, Leo, Leo...

How's your nose?

It hurts.

Mmm...

Mmm...

I rest my case.

So close the door.

I really have
thought about this.

I don't know when...

Oh, Claudia...

Claudia...

[car engine and voices]

Sure you have everything?

You're welcome
at my house anytime.

Yeah, you, too.
Thanks again.

Thank you!

Ok.

Take care
of yourself now.

You hear me?

Be careful driving.
Do you hear me?

Watch out.
The roads are slippery!

[Tommy
guns engine]

Who was that guy?

I'm starting my coffee
if anybody cares!

Claudia:
A bunch of clowns.

Ha ha ha ha.

Aw, look at that.

Ha ha ha!
Clown family!

Heh heh heh.

Ok! Here's
what I'm thinking.

Ok.

I always
settled for less.

Not true.

I let stuff
get in my way.

I did it
with my work

I did it
with my pleasure.

Dad, please.
You don't have to explain.

Yes, I do.
Because all of a sudden,

one day, you're sitting
in the cellar,

looking at pictures
on the wall,

and you think,
that wasn't me at all.

That was
some other guy...

Some other guy
with a smaller waistline

dancing with Adele.

And the way
we fit together...

you'd open a vein
for that lady.

She'd open it for me.

Do you remember
that day, you kids

and your mother--
All 5 of us--

All standing down
on that tarmac

at the airport
on my lunch hour,

where they don't allow
normal people,

right almost
on the goddamn runway!

But I have
my maintenance pass

and my kids are squirts.

The fog is lifting.

Your mother's got
a vice grip on my arm,

and the ground
is shaking,

and Tommy and Joanne
are holding

on to my pants
for dear life.

And vrooom!

Here it comes...

that brand-new 727,

looking like
some kind of...whatever.

And when that sucker
takes off,

there you are
holding on to no one,

eyes wide open,
just like your Dad.

You were fearless, huh?

Huh?

Fearless.

Great moment of my life.

Great.

1969.

10 seconds, tops.

A drop in the bucket.

I wish I had it
all on tape.

* The very thought
Of you *

* And I forget
To do *

* The little
Ordinary things *

* That one
Oughta do *

* I'm livin' in
A kind of daydream *

Penny for
your thoughts.

I let him get away...

didn't I?

* The mere idea
Of you *

* The longing here
For you *

* You'll
Never know *

* How slow
The moments go *

I worked this
airport 23 years,

and they won't let me
through the jetway.

I'm crying.

Why am I crying?

Hold my hand, Tubby.

Got to go, Mom.

There's never enough time,
right?

That's what I hate
about airplanes.

I think I'm never going
to see my kids again. And cars.

Come on, Mom. Buck up.
There's always Christmas.

Yeah, whether we
like it or not.

Maybe I'll try to...

I know you will.

I love you guys.

I know you do.

Look at her.

We made her.

What about your lunch
with the liquor barn?

Well, this really
weird guy I work for

says he'll cover
for me.

I can't believe it.

You know,
I have this fantasy.

You want to hear
about it yet?

No.

Well, tough luck

because now
I have you trapped.

I have this fantasy

where I sit in one
place for 2 hours

with this beautiful,
intelligent woman

who I barely
even know

and who hates
to fly...

and we just sit...

quietly...

and think.

And we'll drink
orange juice?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

And then maybe...

then maybe we hit
this huge fog bank,

so she grabs
my hand...

and she looks
into my eyes...

kind of like this,
you know?

I know.

I know you know.

But maybe not.
Maybe...

Maybe we just land
in Chicago,

and I'll hop
the next flight back

to wherever
I came from--

Flight 814,
11:30 a.m.

And we
just wave good-bye,

and we'll never have to
see each other again.

Well, what's the point?

Well, there is no point,

except if we get hit
by a bus someday,

at least we'll know

we had those 2 hours
together,

and we won't
have to wonder.

And we won't
even take pictures.

So no one will
ever be the wiser.

Except us.

Except us.

Well, what if--

Shh.

* The very thought of you *

* And I forget to do *

* The little
Ordinary things *

* That everyone
Ought to do *

* I'm living in *

* A kind of daydream *

* I'm happy as a king *

* And foolish *

* Though it may seem *

* To me *

* That's everything *

* The mere idea of you *

* The longing here
For you *

* You'll never know *

* How slow
The moments go *

* Till I'm near to you *

* I see your face *

* In every flower *

* Your eyes
In stars above *

* It's just the thought
Of you *

* The very thought of you *

* My love *

* I see your face *

* In every flower *

* Your eyes
In stars above *

* It's just the thought
Of you *

* The very thought of you *

* My love *

* Well, come on *

* Come on *

* Come on *

* Come on *

* Didn't I make ya feel *

* Like you wanna own me? *

* Yeah *

* And didn't I give ya
Nearly everything *

* That a woman
Possibly can? *

* Honey, ya know I did *

* But each time
I tell myself that I *

* When I think
I've had enough *

* Well, but I'm
Gonna show ya, baby *

* That a woman
Can be tough *

* I want ya to come on *

* Come on *

* Come on *

* Come on and take it *

* Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Whoa, whoa, break it *

* Break another little bit
Of my heart *

* Why don't ya?
Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Have a *

* Have another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Well, you know
You got it *

* If it makes you
Feel good *

* Oh, yes, indeed *

* You're out
On the streets *

* Lookin' good *

* And, baby,
Deep down in your heart *

* I guess ya know
That it ain't right *

* Now--now--now--
Now--now--*

* Hear me
When I cry-y-y-y *

* Then when I cry
All the time *

* But each time
I tell myself that I *

* Well, I can't stand
The pain *

* But when ya hold me
In your arms *

* I sing it once again *

* I said come on *

* Come on *

* Come on *

* Come on, yeah, take it *

* Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Whoa, whoa, break it *

* Break another little bit
Of my heart *

* Why don't ya? Yeah *

* Whoa, whoa, have a *

* Have another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Well, you know
You've got it *

* Shine, if it makes you
Feel good *

* I need you to come on *

* Come on *

* Come on *

* Come on and take it *

* Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Whoa, whoa, break it *

* Break another little bit
Of my heart *

* Why don't ya?
Yeah, come on *

* Have a *

* Have another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* You know you got it *

* W-aah-aah! *

* Take it *

* Take another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* Whoa, whoa, break it *

* Break another little bit
Of my heart *

* Why don't ya?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Have a *

* Have another little piece
Of my heart now, baby *

* You know you got it *

* Shine, if it
Makes you feel good *