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1
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,550
My name is Frank.
2
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:23,520
I've had a great life,
a family, lots of friends,
adventures,
3
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:26,090
but I'm ready for a change.
4
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,690
One last shot
at finding true love.
5
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,360
I'm hoping this is it.
6
00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:40,270
[audience cheering]
7
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,640
Thank you. Hi.
8
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,140
Thank you so much. Thank you.
9
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,680
Thank you and good evening,
Bachelor nation.
10
00:00:51,710 --> 00:00:53,550
I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome
11
00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:56,750
to The Golden Bachelor
season finale.
12
00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:01,820
Of course, we are coming
to you live from Los Angeles
13
00:01:01,860 --> 00:01:04,090
as Frank's journey to find
the love of his life
14
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,100
comes to a dramatic conclusion.
15
00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:09,570
Now admittedly, the crew
nor the producers were prepared
16
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,040
to host a Bachelor as eccentric
17
00:01:13,070 --> 00:01:14,770
as Frank Reynolds.
18
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,540
In fact, this is the first
season in Bachelor history
19
00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:20,210
where we considered ending
the entire franchise
altogether.
20
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,410
But, boy, are we glad
we didn't,
21
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,180
because Frank captured
our hearts,
22
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,280
and tonight is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
23
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,620
Will Frank find
true love again?
24
00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:32,550
All I can say is that you'll
have to see it to believe it.
25
00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,420
So let's take a look back
at the season's highlights
26
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:37,130
where Frank started
in a very different place
27
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,460
than where we find him today.
28
00:01:38,490 --> 00:01:40,060
[audience cheer]
29
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,130
Let's get this show
on the road.
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00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:47,000
Can't wait to find a Grade A,
prime cut piece of á*á*á*á*.
31
00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:49,740
To love.
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00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:53,110
Frank, admittedly, was a little
rougher around the edges
than we're accustomed to.
33
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,720
[laughs] All right,
so where are all the broads?
34
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:03,150
I dropped a couple of blueys.
35
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:05,420
This baby's got
about a half hour
36
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,820
to perform like, pew,
37
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:09,660
and then that's it.
So, let's hurry up.
38
00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,190
Okay, the first car is
arriving now.
39
00:02:11,230 --> 00:02:13,460
Okay, all right, good.
The first car.
40
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,100
Oh, my God,
I'm getting a chubby.
41
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,500
Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
42
00:02:17,530 --> 00:02:20,570
Ooh. Here it comes.
I'm anticipating this...
43
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,570
Oh, let's see, yeah.
44
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,510
-Uh, nope.
-Excuse me?
45
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,610
-No. No. Nope.
-[Jesse] Frank, Frank.
46
00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,450
[Frank] Pass, pass, pass,
it's a pass.
47
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,780
You can walk by.
You can keep on going.
48
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:38,050
Just walk on by. That's it.
49
00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:41,260
Next, next, next.
Bring the next one in.
50
00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,330
-Uh-uh.
-Frank.
51
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,300
No, no. Absolutely not.
52
00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:49,670
No, no. Pass on. Next.
Let's go to the next one.
53
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,600
Next one,
this is not working out.
What's going on?
54
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,100
Frank, there's a time for this.
It's just not right now.
55
00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,340
All right,
bring the next one on,
bring the next one on.
56
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,410
I'm starting to get nervous.
57
00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:01,380
What do we got?
58
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,080
Holy... Oh...
59
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,420
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
60
00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,750
No, pass, pass, pass.
61
00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:13,090
Are all these whores
gonna be this old?
62
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,430
Why did I do this?
I don't know
what's the matter with me.
63
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,660
What the á*á*á*á* did I do?
64
00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:22,230
Everyone that got out
of the car, I mean,
they were, like, crackling.
65
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,430
I mean, you could hear
their á*á*á*á* crackling.
66
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,140
[imitates cracking]
67
00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:28,170
-It was like, just, old meat.
-Frank,
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00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,070
honestly, you didn't understand
the premise of this show?
69
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,110
Well, I knew there would
be a couple of duds,
70
00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:35,740
but I thought
you Hollywood people were
all about diversity.
71
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,650
Well, there's gonna be women
of every ethnicity here.
72
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,280
Age. Diversity of age.
73
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,650
Frank, the show's called
The Golden Bachelor.
74
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,650
[stammers]
Golden Bachelor , my á*á*á*á*.
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00:03:45,690 --> 00:03:48,290
I'm á*á*á*á* out of here
unless I find something
76
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,090
coming out of that car
that I like.
77
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,530
[scoffs]
You gotta do something.
78
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,160
-You ever watch TikTok?
-Yeah, of course.
79
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,730
Well, you ever...
you ever hear of Cock Chewa?
80
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,800
-Cock Chewa?
-Cock Chewa...
81
00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,470
[Jesse] And so in a series
of Golden Bachelor firsts,
82
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,240
we caved into Frank's demands.
83
00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:05,710
I saw this trash on TikTok.
84
00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:07,640
Her name was Cock Chewa.
85
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,310
Her catchphrase was,
"Chew on that thang."
86
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:13,550
I had to have her.
87
00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,780
My heart's beating
a mile a minute.
88
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,220
Let's see what happens.
89
00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:22,660
Oh, oh, oh.
90
00:04:22,690 --> 00:04:25,760
What's coming out? [gasps]
91
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:29,500
Oh! It's her. That's her.
[giggles] That's her!
92
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,670
-Hey, y'all! [laughs]
-[Frank laughs]
93
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:34,300
-Chew on that thang.
-Chew on that thang!
94
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,540
-Chew on that thang.
-[Frank] Okay. She's it.
She's the one.
95
00:04:36,570 --> 00:04:38,340
-Wait, what? What?
-[Frank] I picked her.
96
00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:40,080
-Yeah, she's it.
Okay, that's it.
-[Jesse] Wait, what?
97
00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,480
-I choose her. Yes.
-I get paid for this, right?
98
00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:43,550
Yeah, the game's over.
We can take her.
99
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,180
No, no, no, Frank. It's only
the first episode, okay?
100
00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,120
We have to go through
this whole process,
101
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,790
otherwise
there can't be a show.
102
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:52,520
-[stammers] All right, well,
you get paid.
-Yeah.
103
00:04:52,550 --> 00:04:54,160
It's the first night,
104
00:04:54,190 --> 00:04:55,820
so you're gonna have
to wait a little while
105
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,590
-to chew on that thang.
-Chew on that thang.
106
00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,630
-[laughs] Chew on that thang.
-Okay, let's just keep it
moving here.
107
00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,630
Oh, baby, am I boned up.
Okay, here let's go.
108
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,130
Okay. Okay.
109
00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,340
All right.
110
00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:11,040
Oops, I thought you said
we were done with the old ones.
111
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:16,450
Uh, hi. Very nice
to see you, you know. But no.
112
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,180
-But no. Okay, so anyway, pass.
-Oh.
113
00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:21,550
But, you know, go on inside
and keep warm.
114
00:05:21,580 --> 00:05:23,590
I'll get you out of here ASAP.
115
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:27,190
You're kidding me.
This cretin is the bachelor?
116
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,330
I got better looking boils.
117
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,530
[cackles] That was a good one.
You got me there.
You got me there.
118
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,160
Well, maybe I'll keep this one
around just to entertain me.
119
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,730
She got me with that...
That was very...
120
00:05:38,770 --> 00:05:41,340
She's good. Let's lump her in
with the other one.
121
00:05:41,370 --> 00:05:44,770
We'll see how it goes.
That was funny.
She was pretty funny.
122
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:49,350
Oh. Oh. What's this?
I thought I said no dudes.
123
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,780
Oh, I have
an Amazon Prime delivery
for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.
124
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,380
-Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me.
-Okay.
125
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,820
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, yeah, this... Thank you.
126
00:05:55,850 --> 00:05:58,590
Oh, my, my, that was so fast.
127
00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:01,620
Amazon Prime deliveries
are so fast.
128
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,790
Frank, what are you doing?
You can't bring your own plugs.
129
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,700
Yeah... I... No, we...
No plugs. Their items are
very meaningful to me.
130
00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:11,570
I am fired up about Chewy.
That's a broad
I could spend my life with.
131
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,700
And the other one's good too.
They both got mouths on 'em.
132
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:17,370
One's an on-ramp,
one's an off-ramp.
133
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,370
I'm leaning toward
the 20-year-old.
134
00:06:19,810 --> 00:06:21,810
Since Frank had already chosen
his final two,
135
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,210
we had to get creative
with the situations
we put them in.
136
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,080
[Frank] So, uh, where you from?
137
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,420
Gang, gang. [laughs]
138
00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:32,150
Chew, chew. [gnaws]
139
00:06:32,190 --> 00:06:33,590
[imitates baby crying]
140
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:36,190
Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.
141
00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:38,690
[blows raspberry]
That's a butthole.
142
00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:40,460
Thank you, y'all. Thank you.
143
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,360
[stammering] What's that?
What are you doing?
144
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,130
I'm making money
on a live stream.
145
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,200
-Huh?
-Gang, gang. [grunts]
146
00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:47,540
-[imitates dog]
-You're making...
147
00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:50,770
-[grunting]
-So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.
148
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,610
-[blows raspberry]
-[stammers]
149
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,110
-Well, what kind of music
do you like?
-Thank you.
150
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,650
[gnawing]
151
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,680
[Frank] The conversation
was a little rough.
152
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,820
I didn't know what the hell
she was doing with the phone.
153
00:07:00,850 --> 00:07:04,150
I guess people pay her
to respond to emojis?
154
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:06,260
I was losing my patience.
155
00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:10,190
[imitating baby crying]
Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew.
[gnaws]
156
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,660
Look, if we don't bang soon,
I'm gonna boot you
off the show.
157
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,770
-Well, that worked
like a charm.
-All right.
158
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,630
[Frank] We banged three times
that night.
159
00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:22,300
And on some kind
of OnlyFans live stream thing.
160
00:07:22,340 --> 00:07:24,810
Made 12 grand.
It was incredible.
161
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,510
Except for the chewing. [huffs]
162
00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:29,380
That was weird as hell.
163
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:34,580
I-I thought it was more
of a catch phrase than
an actual method. [gnawing]
164
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,190
Where the [bleep] is he?
165
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,490
-Wow. I'm sorry I'm late.
-Oh, hey.
166
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:47,160
I had to dump out big time.
[scoffs]
167
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,570
Oh, well, that makes two of us.
168
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,370
Just got here myself.
169
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,200
Took the liberty of ordering us
the seafood linguine.
170
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:59,740
-Oh. Strong choice.
I like that.
-[chuckles] Uh-huh.
171
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,310
-Yeah? [chuckles]
-Yeah, yeah.
172
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,280
So... Hmm. Mm-mmm.
173
00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:09,180
What now?
174
00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:13,150
Ah. Well...
175
00:08:13,990 --> 00:08:17,790
we could get the linguine
to go, go back to your place.
176
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,630
I would say we bang
at my place,
177
00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:21,760
but I don't want
you hanging around after.
178
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,170
-You get it.
-What makes you think
I'm gonna bang you?
179
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,040
All right, we bang
after dinner. [stammers]
180
00:08:28,070 --> 00:08:30,340
-Eh, make love.
-Hmm.
181
00:08:30,370 --> 00:08:33,280
Yeah. So what's your deal?
Were you ever married?
182
00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:35,310
If you must know.
183
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,450
[sighs] My husband's dead.
184
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,720
You knock him off?
185
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:44,650
They say he got chomped in two
by a great white
186
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,490
while he was snorkeling
off the coast of Maine.
187
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,530
Ooh, wicked.
188
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,260
Personally, I think
he was smuggling drugs down
from Canada,
189
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,330
got chainsawed by some cartel.
190
00:08:57,530 --> 00:08:59,300
They only found
the bottom half.
191
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,240
Nasty.
192
00:09:02,270 --> 00:09:04,640
Mmm. Nasty business.
193
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,340
Did you keep the dong?
194
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,610
Of course I did.
195
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:15,180
I had it pickled
and put in a jar.
196
00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:16,750
-Yeah.
-Wow...
197
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,520
That's what
I would have wanted.
198
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,630
-Hmm.
-Wow. Beautiful.
199
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,200
Hmm.
200
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,300
[Frank] I have to say
I enjoyed the conversation.
201
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,640
We talked all night,
didn't even bang.
202
00:09:32,670 --> 00:09:35,700
Which is probably better
because my cock was chewed
to á*á*á*á*.
203
00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:38,210
So Frank was left
with a dilemma.
204
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,480
Who was he gonna choose?
205
00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,610
And for that
he turned to his family.
206
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,750
But in a bizarre turn
of events,
207
00:09:43,780 --> 00:09:48,050
the producers learned
that his family was not
his family at all.
208
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,750
-He had hired actors
to play them.
-[audience gasp]
209
00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:54,520
These people are maniacs.
You don't understand.
210
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,490
I was afraid
they were gonna embarrass me
on national television.
211
00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:02,060
So Frank was concerned
that his real family
would embarrass him.
212
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,430
It was time to go
to his hometown:
213
00:10:03,930 --> 00:10:07,340
Philadelphia.
The birthplace of our nation.
214
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:09,340
Could it be the birthplace
of a new love?
215
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:12,240
Things were off
to a rocky start.
216
00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:16,610
I was terrified to have Sam
and Chewy meet the gang.
217
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:19,050
But I have to admit,
they played it really cool.
218
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,450
Well, here we are.
219
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:23,750
I'm so excited to see Frank.
220
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,090
Oh, I'm just excited
to meet the ladies.
221
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,620
If Frank likes them,
I'll like them.
222
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,730
Wonder where they are.
[chuckles]
223
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,460
I, too, am feeling things.
224
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,500
Well, speak of the dev...
[stammers] Uh, speak of Frank.
225
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:39,670
[chuckles]
226
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,470
-Hello.
-[chuckles] Hi. Hi.
227
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,210
-[sighs] Well, here we are.
-[Dee] Uh-huh.
228
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,780
-Yeah.
-Oh.
229
00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:49,350
I was really nervous
that you guys were gonna be mad
230
00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:50,780
about the whole
fake family thing.
231
00:10:50,810 --> 00:10:52,620
-Oh. [chuckles]
-[blows raspberry, sighs]
232
00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:55,580
-Frank, forget it, huh?
-Oh, no. Please, we get it.
233
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:57,090
-I don't care.
-You were nervous.
234
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,190
-Yeah.
-I'm passed that.
235
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,220
Yeah, I want you to know
how happy we are
for both of you and for Frank.
236
00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:04,230
-Well, thank you.
-We just want
what's best for everyone.
237
00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:06,360
-[Dee] That's right.
-Yeah, yeah.
238
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,100
Uh, Frank, should we take
your dates and get to know them
a little better?
239
00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:09,770
Oh.
240
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,640
-Okay. Uh, all right.
Play nice.
-[chuckles]
241
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:15,600
[chuckles] Play nice.
242
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,440
-[laughs]
Well, we always play nice.
-He's a funny guy, right?
243
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,210
-He's so funny.
-A joker.
244
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,380
Okay, listen, bitch.
You are not getting the money.
245
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:23,750
Yeah, you're too old
to have a baby.
246
00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:25,750
And if you try and adopt,
so help me God,
247
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:28,080
we will snuff that thing out
like a cigarillo.
248
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,320
-Hmm.
-[whispers]
You're on television.
249
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,390
-[scoffs, chuckles]
-Please.
250
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:34,260
I think we all know
Disney's never gonna air this.
251
00:11:34,290 --> 00:11:36,230
-No, but you will have
heard it.
-[Sam] What?
252
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,760
So listen to me
and listen good.
253
00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:42,130
You are not getting our money.
254
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,300
I have my own money.
255
00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:48,070
You do?
256
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,170
Explain yourself.
257
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:54,610
I got chicken money
and plenty of it too.
258
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,650
So whatever Frank's got,
he can just keep it.
259
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,380
I made my own fortune
on the backs of others.
260
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:04,090
I don't need to be pulling it
out of an old man's pocket.
261
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,690
-Chicken money.
-Chicken money, huh?
262
00:12:07,590 --> 00:12:09,790
The chicken money comment
was a bit of a relief,
you know?
263
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,730
-Not that I trust her.
-Well, no, that's true.
264
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,500
We're not really
the trusting kind, you know?
265
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:15,700
But if she does have
this so-called "chicken money",
266
00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,430
then we wouldn't mind, uh...
267
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,570
[smacks lips]
Wetting our beaks.
268
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,470
Did you see that?
I didn't have to say it.
269
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,710
She-She walked right into it.
270
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,040
Dee's a bird.
271
00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:39,190
[Mac] Uh... [stammers]
...Chewy. May I call you Chewy?
272
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:41,220
-Yeah.
-Chewy, we are a vibe.
273
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,760
And we need to know
how you're gonna fit in.
274
00:12:42,790 --> 00:12:44,530
You know, I think
it's important that whoever
275
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,660
we bring into the fold fits
with our dynamic.
276
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,460
Oh, I love the gays.
I'll chew on that thang.
277
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,470
That doesn't make any sense.
Moreover, it sickens me.
278
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,300
[stammers] What is this?
How is this gonna work?
279
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,340
Like, there's no room
for you on my couch, man.
280
00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:58,710
-There's just not.
-Okay. Well, we have
to pick one, Charlie.
281
00:12:58,740 --> 00:13:02,180
I don't want to pick one.
I don't understand
why Frank did this.
282
00:13:02,210 --> 00:13:03,750
If he was unhappy,
why didn't he come to me?
283
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,480
You ruined this, okay?
I need it to go back
to the way that it was.
284
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,520
Well, he's not gonna
just chew on that thang.
285
00:13:09,550 --> 00:13:11,190
-Whatever y'all want.
-[sighs, stammers]
What does that mean?
286
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,590
Why does she keep saying it?
287
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,590
-[gnawing]
-I'd seen all I needed to see.
288
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:16,390
I mean, we-we couldn't run
the risk of one of these women
289
00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:18,630
becoming a major player
in our lives. [sighs]
290
00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:20,630
We need to bring in
someone Frank might go for,
291
00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:23,100
but who we know
we can control. [sighs]
292
00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:24,730
A woman
with no personal ambitions
293
00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:27,740
but who Frank could also bang.
294
00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,710
-[glass clinks]
-Guys, I believe
I have the first line.
295
00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:32,070
-Uh, announcement.
-Announce.
Just an announcement.
296
00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:34,240
-It's just
a natural conversation.
-Yes.
297
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,210
-He just has to talk first.
-Welcome to Mac
and Dennis's apartment.
298
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,110
-Well, you're Mac.
-I'm Mac.
299
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,580
-Well, he's just welcoming.
-Yeah.
300
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:41,180
This is Dennis,
and this is our apartment.
301
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,220
-Yes.
-And we do a lot of hosting.
302
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,450
-That's right.
-And we are not a couple.
303
00:13:45,490 --> 00:13:49,360
-No.
-But our living arrangement is
304
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,190
-perfectly age appropriate.
-[Charlie Kelly] But he is gay.
305
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,660
-Well, he is gay.
-Well... [grunts]
...Goddamn it.
306
00:13:52,690 --> 00:13:55,060
And I am gay.
307
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,200
Uh, I believe I may
have snapped at Dennis
and hit him a little bit...
308
00:13:57,230 --> 00:13:59,240
-Yeah, a little bit too hard.
-...too hard.
309
00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:01,240
And also the fact
that you're gay is
inconsequential because...
310
00:14:01,270 --> 00:14:03,040
-It's playful.
-Yes.
311
00:14:03,070 --> 00:14:04,740
...that's gonna make it sound
like maybe I'm not.
312
00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:07,440
-[laughs] Chew on that thang.
-What?
313
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:09,710
She's not supposed
to say that, right?
314
00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:11,750
Is that it?
That's all she can say?
315
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:13,450
-The vocab is limited.
-Good.
316
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,020
-Yeah.
-I'ma barf on it.
317
00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,020
-What?
-What?
318
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,320
[Mac] That's not your line.
319
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,390
-What are you...
What are you doing?
-[Sam] What is she...
320
00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:23,360
Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase
that I do,
you know what I mean?
321
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:25,290
-She's kidding. You're kidding.
-Barf on that thing, y'all.
322
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,300
-[laughs] That's playful.
-[Sam] Oh, no.
323
00:14:27,330 --> 00:14:29,200
-Well, no, no, no.
-[coughing]
324
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,730
Should I have a catchphrase?
I don't approve of this union.
325
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,740
Let's keep this evening
about Frank, okay?
326
00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,200
And not have...
We don't have...
Nobody has any catchphrases.
327
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,510
We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna
raise a toast... Um...
328
00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:42,610
to these two wonderful women
and to an impossible choice.
329
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:43,780
-Yeah.
-Oh.
330
00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:45,480
-[knocks on door]
-Oh.
331
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,020
-My, my. Who could that be?
-Oh. What's this?
332
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,320
Goddamn it.
333
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,590
[sighs]
334
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,260
Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly.
335
00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,260
-Mom.
-My God.
Well, what brings you here?
336
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:04,330
To be a slut
and to marry Frank.
337
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,470
That was...
338
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,300
-Oh.
-[laughing]
339
00:15:08,270 --> 00:15:10,710
Really? Oh, good. Dennis,
did you put her up to this?
340
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:12,510
What do you mean?
She just came over.
341
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:14,610
Already I have to deal
with two sluts and now a third?
342
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,080
-[grunts, coughs]
-Start over, Mac! Start over.
343
00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:20,080
-[screaming]
-[objects clattering]
344
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:25,750
á*á*á*á* yeah!
345
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,100
Now the stakes were even higher
with a third woman in the mix,
346
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,810
but luckily for Frank,
347
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,510
he'd have the fantasy suites
to help him make up his mind.
348
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:49,210
This was the hardest decision
of my life. What's the order?
349
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:53,820
Do I go Chewy first and work
my way to Bonnie through Sam?
350
00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:57,790
Or do I run the risk
of being gnawed to a stump
and have to heal?
351
00:15:57,820 --> 00:15:59,790
I was feeling so many things.
352
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,730
And then, I had an idea.
353
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,260
Frank, there is no way Disney
is ever gonna go with that.
354
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,460
It's what I want.
355
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,330
No, Frank,
we have to stagger them.
356
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,070
[Frank] I'll handle that
once we're in the middle of it.
357
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,700
Look, you wanna join us?
358
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,670
I don't love it,
but no eye contact
and we're good.
359
00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,470
All right.
Let's go ahead. Let's go.
360
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,080
Ha! Let's go, ladies.
361
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:24,580
We're gonna do
kind of a group situation.
362
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:27,580
Why don't you just
come this way?
363
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,490
-There you go. There you go.
-Yeah.
364
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,690
-O-Okay, listen to me, Frank.
-Hey.
365
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,190
I'm no prude, right?
366
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:35,490
I mean, I was in the navy,
right?
367
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,690
I took a whole destroyer
full of torpedoes, you know?
368
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,600
[chuckles]
That's pretty funny, Sam.
369
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:42,600
Yeah, but here's the thing:
370
00:16:42,630 --> 00:16:45,630
I feel like I'm ready
to settle down and, you know...
[laughs]
371
00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:50,470
-...I got feelings
for-for-for you, Frank.
-You do?
372
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,140
Yeah, you know.
Ain't that something.
373
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,310
I-I gotta tell you
a little story, right?
374
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,580
Well, I'm kind of
on the clock here, you know?
375
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:58,750
Yeah, okay.
376
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:01,480
When I was a little girl,
377
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,220
I shortened my name to Sam
and I told everybody,
378
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:07,390
"Ooh, I-I really liked that
so much better,"
379
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,620
but I didn't.
380
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:16,570
I-I just thought that...
Samantha, that's-that's
too long for anybody to say.
381
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:21,770
So-So I changed my name, Frank,
because I thought
382
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:26,180
that nobody would care enough
to take the time
to say the whole thing.
383
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:29,480
Oh, my God. Stupid, huh?
[laughs]
384
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,050
Well, you were a kid.
[stammers]
385
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,250
I lived my whole life
that way.
386
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:40,520
And when I was busy pretending
to be somebody that I wasn't,
387
00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:47,700
you were living your life
being exactly who you are.
388
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:54,340
I just love that
about you, Frank.
389
00:17:56,470 --> 00:18:00,410
And I kind of thought
it was too late for me,
but then,
390
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:06,150
you've shown me
that it's never too late
391
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,380
to find your heart.
392
00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:11,020
And your voice.
393
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:12,690
And your name.
394
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,490
I think I'm falling in love
with you, Frank.
395
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,630
Yeah, I-I don't want
to ruin that.
396
00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:26,100
So, you know,
I'm not going in there.
397
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,400
I'm-I'm gonna go.
398
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,220
[Jesse] Sam had struck a chord.
399
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,150
And now Frank had
an even tougher decision
to make.
400
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,290
Just what was he going to do?
401
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,620
Yeah, I mean, I took a shot,
right? [chuckles]
402
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:51,790
And I-I think he's feeling
the same things I am.
403
00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:54,100
At least,
I hope so, right? [laughs]
404
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:55,160
[knocks on door]
405
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,230
[Sam] Yeah.
406
00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,170
[crew member] What's it say?
407
00:19:11,810 --> 00:19:14,720
Look, as much as Dennis wanted
Frank to pick Bonnie,
408
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:17,490
we all knew he was gonna go
with the 20-year-old, so...
409
00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:20,420
I devised that prank
to make sure she was cool.
410
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:23,560
The prank is this,
when they fly us out there,
we set off
411
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:27,060
one of those
elephant toothpaste bombs
in the mansion. [chuckles]
412
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,730
And then, if she likes it,
she's in.
413
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,570
-[stammers]
What the hell is that?
-What is that?
414
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,170
Oh. It's-It's like a chemical
reaction. Check it out.
415
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,440
-Cool, huh?
-[Dennis] Oh. Yeah.
416
00:19:37,470 --> 00:19:39,540
This is a good idea though,
Mac. I could work with this.
417
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:41,640
-Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
-Okay.
418
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,050
So Frank was concerned
that his real family would
embarrass him.
419
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,550
Well, we've got them here
with us tonight.
420
00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:49,420
How do you guys feel
about that?
421
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,150
[audience scream, gasp]
422
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:53,290
Well...
423
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,120
The situation...
[strains, gasps]
424
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:59,360
...under the circumstances is
quite understandable.
425
00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:05,170
Our appearance may
seem gruesome, but all can
be quite easily explained.
426
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,340
[straining] Oh. Indeed.
427
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,100
-[Charlie Kelly] Yeah.
-Indeed.
428
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:11,810
As you can tell, our voices
have also been affected,
429
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,140
creating an unintentionally
sinister tone.
430
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,780
-So, where did things
go wrong, guys?
-Well...
431
00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:19,720
[straining] There seems
to have been a miscalculation.
432
00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:22,380
-Our hubris got the best of us.
-Nonsense.
433
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:28,320
There was no mix-up in
the laboratory, no... [gasps]
...neglect of the pH balance.
434
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,630
It was my jealousy
of these women
435
00:20:30,660 --> 00:20:34,230
that drove me
to surreptitiously add
20 gallons
436
00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:38,270
-of Nair hair removal
into the concoction.
-[audience gasp]
437
00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:40,600
Wait, wait, you did what?
438
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,770
♪ You wear short shorts
If you dare wear short shorts
Nair for-- ♪
439
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:47,380
Yeah, we know the product.
440
00:20:47,410 --> 00:20:48,540
You're familiar with it?
441
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,150
Do you guys know the song?
442
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,110
-Yes, we know the goddamn song.
-Yes.
443
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:53,350
Uh. Okay, okay, okay,
that's just...
444
00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,320
We're gonna stop right there.
445
00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:57,650
Uh. So with no help
from his family whatsoever,
446
00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:01,060
Frank is now left
with the most important choice
of his entire life.
447
00:21:01,090 --> 00:21:05,130
And on that final night he had
to make that choice alone.
448
00:21:07,630 --> 00:21:08,660
Ooh.
449
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,400
Frank, it's the final rose.
450
00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,370
This is it.
So who will you choose?
451
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,440
Will it be Bonnie or Sara?
452
00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:20,610
Who the hell is Sara?
453
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,650
You actually thought
that the woman's birth name
was Cock Chewa?
454
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,450
Oh. Never gave it much thought.
455
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,080
America is waiting.
456
00:21:28,650 --> 00:21:31,490
Frank, who are you gonna
give it to?
457
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:39,490
Well, Bonnie,
you are a dirty, dirty slut.
458
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:41,630
Thank you, Frank.
459
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:43,230
And you're old as hell.
460
00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:48,400
But-But I gotta be honest,
you bone me up
like nobody else.
461
00:21:48,770 --> 00:21:51,470
So it's really hard
not to choose you.
462
00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:58,810
Chewy, I gotta be honest,
I don't like the teeth.
463
00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:03,620
I-I never understood
the chewing thing.
I mean, people like that?
464
00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:05,390
Chew on that thang?
465
00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:08,460
It's weird as hell.
It hurts, your chomping on it.
466
00:22:08,490 --> 00:22:11,390
-I mean, it's like... [gnaws]
-[gnawing]
467
00:22:11,430 --> 00:22:14,330
You go deep, deep, deep.
[gnaws] The bottom? Oh.
468
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,000
I may never recover
from that. [sighs]
469
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:19,200
But I gotta say,
470
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,540
you are so goddamn hot.
471
00:22:24,570 --> 00:22:26,740
It is hard not to choose you.
472
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,410
I gotta make a decision.
473
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:35,420
I gotta make a decision.
474
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:39,790
And...
475
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,560
my decision is...
476
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,400
[Frank] Sam!
477
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,700
Sam! Sam, where are you?
478
00:22:55,570 --> 00:22:56,610
Sam!
479
00:22:57,670 --> 00:22:58,710
Sam!
480
00:23:00,810 --> 00:23:02,280
Sam!
481
00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:08,220
Samantha! Samantha!
482
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,150
[Sam] Frank.
483
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,520
-Frank.
-Saman... Oh.
484
00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:14,820
Samantha, don't
get on that bus.
485
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,590
I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.
486
00:23:16,630 --> 00:23:18,790
But most of all I'm a coward.
487
00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:22,330
I-I didn't let you go
because I didn't like you.
488
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:26,270
I-I got rid of you
because I like you too much
489
00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,340
and it scared the shit
out of me.
490
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,540
I'm just like you, Samantha.
491
00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:33,710
But together,
we don't have to be afraid.
492
00:23:35,610 --> 00:23:38,580
Would you accept this rose
and be my wife?
493
00:23:44,450 --> 00:23:45,490
Frank,
494
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,390
I will.
495
00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:52,430
[chuckles]
496
00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:05,810
[Ms. Kelly] Be strong, Bonnie.
497
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,350
Be strong for
your little gingerbread man.
498
00:24:09,380 --> 00:24:10,810
-Bonnie?
-[chuckles]
499
00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:12,250
How do you guys
know each other?
500
00:24:13,650 --> 00:24:15,080
-This is my date.
-Yeah.
501
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,150
One. Two. Three. [sighs]
502
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:21,120
-Why are you doing everything
in threes?
-So Charlie doesn't die.
503
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,390
Show us on the doll.
504
00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:23,490
Show you what?
505
00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:25,160
Where he touched you.
506
00:24:25,190 --> 00:24:26,700
I don't want a dog
to eat my face, Charlie.
507
00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:28,400
She doesn't want
a dog eating her face.
508
00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:30,300
Oh. Sorry.
509
00:24:30,330 --> 00:24:31,770
You!
510
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,600
-[Charlie Kelly chuckles] Hey.
-Merry Christmas.
511
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,800
-I'm so excited.
It's almost Christmas!
-I'm so excited!
512
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,270
I'll be in the kitchen
making gingerbread men
for my gingerbread boy.
40180
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