All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E07 - Avoid the Chinese Mustard (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

- What are you doin' here?
- I got a weekend pass.

So I took a train in
to surprise you guys.

- Hi, soldier.
- Hello.

You must be Jake.
I'm sleeping in your room.

Well, God bless America.

You are just so sweet.

I swear, I could
just eat you up

but you know, then
I'd probably get a sugar rush.

- Missi still sleepin'?
- Nah, she's in the shower.

Oops.

I get another pass
in, like, a month

so maybe we can
see each other then.

- I sort of have a boyfriend.
- A boyfriend?

But I thought you..

Goodbye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wait. I thought you had
a date with Lyndsey tonight.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to

but, uh, we decided
to take a little break.

How come?

Oh, I'm not privy
to that information.

Uh, all I was told is,
we need to take a break.

So, what, you're supposed
to just wait around

until she decides
that you're worthy

of being in her
presence again?

Or until she needs
her rain gutters cleaned out.

And-and that's not a euphemism.

See, this is the kind of crap

you gotta put up with
when you're in a relationship.

Oh, but-but it's a small price
to pay for love

companionship and a parking spot

for the pink Prius.

It's hard to believe that
Lyndsey needed a break from you.

[doorbell rings]

If you will excuse me

I have a date with
an extra large meat lover.

That did not sound right.

I ordered a pizza.

- Walden!
- Missi.

I am so sorry
to show up unannounced

but me and my mom got
in this huge fight

over whether or not I should
pay rent to stay at her house.

And I said,
"Fine, but if I pay rent

then your stupid boyfriend
should too."

He said,
"Don't sass your mother."

I said,
"Do not tell me what to do.

I am six months older than you."

Anyway, you said I was
welcome here any time I want

so, ding-dong, here I am.

Alan!

- How are you?
- I'm good.

What brings you here?

- No! No!
- Me and my..

Hey!

Jake, what are you doing here?

I got a weekend pass.

Missi?

What are you doing here?

Jake?

What a surprise!

- I'm suspicious.
- You think?

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh huh-h-h men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

I still just can't get
over this coincidence.

I mean, what are the odds?

The same weekend I come home,
Missi just happ--

Jake, let it go.

Missi, help me out here.
I thought you guys broke up.

We did, but then Jake sent me
this giant cookie he baked

that was shaped like a heart,
and it said, "I Missi you"

and I just melted.

Well, you know,
I can't take all the credit.

The cookie was
loaded with pot.

So, uh..

...Jake, you wanna go to
your bedroom and unpack?

Uh, that's okay.
I don't really have much.

Well, then maybe

you could help me unpack.

Why?

Dude, she's not
really talking

about unpacking.

Oh, oh, okay, yeah

I could definitely go
for a good unpacking.

Well, then, come on.

Hey, um, maybe later we could
go for a walk on the beach.

Oh, yeah!

She means an actual walk
on the beach!

- That's it. I'm out of here.
- Where are you going?

Someplace quiet.

What are you talking about?
It's quiet here.

Wait for it.

[Missi]
'Jake, slow down.'

'There's a zipper
on this thing.'

Oh, God, I can't hear
my son having sex.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Push it good ♪

♪ Ah push it.. ♪♪

Much better.

♪ Men ♪♪

Wow!

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry.

That-that was involuntary.

I just think
you're very beautiful.

Thank you.

If we weren't in a library,
I would have applauded.

Got it.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.
What are you doing here?

Nobody goes
to the library anymore.

Oh, it's one of the few places
that I can go to

where strange men
don't hit on me.

Oh.

Sorry. I just..

I'll leave you alone.

I come here 'cause
they have a great collection

of Thomas Edison diaries.

They're very illuminating.

Get it?
Thomas Edison's?

The light bulb?

Never mind.

Just for the record,
I wasn't hitting on you.

I was just making small talk.

Duly noted.

The last thing I would want
to do is hit on anyone.

I'm-I'm kind of taking
a timeout from the whole

boy meets girl,
girl dumps boy

boy doubts his worth
as a human being thing.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, for God's sake.
Would you like to join me?

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't wanna impose.

Just get over here.

- Walden.
- Whitney.

Hi. So, Whitney,
tell me about yourself.

What do you do?

Um, I'm an actress.

Oh, yeah.
How's that goin'?

Not so good.

I haven't worked
in almost two years.

Ooh.

Tough business
or are you just not talented?

What do you mean,
am I just not talented?

You don't know me,
you don't know what I can do.

You're lucky that I don't reach
under this table right now

rip off your balls
and feed them to you for dinner.

I'm sorry. My bad.

And scene.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where's Missi?
- She's unpacking.

- You know, for real.
- Right.

I'm-I'm glad you're having fun.

Oh, I am. I can't imagine
ever being with anyone else.

Yeah, yeah,
I remember that feelin'.

You, uh, kiss a girl,
see fireworks

and fall head over heels in love

and then, one day you wake up
in a cold, loveless marriage

with a soul sucking shrew

who makes you wish
for an early death.

Oh, you realize
you're talking about my mother?

Yeah. So you get it.

♪ Men ♪♪

So, anyway, after I
moved out to Los Angeles

I promised myself
I'd give it two years

and if I wasn't a star by then

I'd move home
and get a real job.

So how much time
do you have left?

Eleven days.

Well, that's four
more than God took.

God didn't have my agent.

Listen, if I could
hire you to act, I would.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

You know,
what if I could hire you?

For what?

Well, stick with me 'cause
I'm just thinking out loud here.

You see, here's the thing.

I'm a serial monogamist

but I'm not very good
at relationships

'cause they're emotional

and they get messy,
people fall in and out of love

and somebody always
ends up crying.

And that's usually me.

Walden, I'm not
gonna date you.

Oh, no, I-I don't
want you to date me.

What if I hired you to play

the role of my girlfriend?

You think I'm a hooker?

No. No. No. No sex.

Uh, you know,
take sex off the table.

In fact, take it off the table

the car, the floor, the bed

the windmill
at the putt-putt golf course.

Okay, so

I'm supposed to just
believe that some random guy

that I meet in the public
library is going to pay me

to be his sex-free companion?

How does this not end
with my head in a freezer?

- Google me.
- What?

Walden Schmidt.
Google me.

Wow, that's a lot of zeros.

Are you really a-a genius
entrepreneur, philanthropist?

I also fight crime.

What do you say?

You know
how weird this is, right?

What is weird about wanting
to control every aspect

of a relationship
by using money as a weapon?

Okay, let me rephrase that.

How does five grand
a week sound?

Sounds like
you've got a girlfriend.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.

- Where's Jake?
- Oh, he's still sleeping.

'Cause in the army he has to
get up at four in the mornin'.

In the military, that's 0400.

I don't understand why they
need the O or the hundred.

What time is it?
Four. Boom! Done! Next!

And I really
don't understand

them watches without
the numbers on it.

- I mean, I never know what--
- 'Missi?'

I love you dearly,
but you got to shut up.

Well, all I heard was
you love me dearly.

Oh, you're here.

And action.

You're adorable.

I brought you an iced coffee,
no sugar, soy milk.

That's exactly
the way that I like it.

- How did you know?
- You're my boyfriend.

It's my business to know.

Okay, so, here's
what I'm thinking.

Three words.
Beer, wings, football.

Okay, three more words
best girlfriend ever.

- I'll just go get changed.
- Why?

Oh, this is a smelly old shirt
and I haven't showered.

Stinky, just the way
I like it.

Oh, this is good.

Can I fart in the car?

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hello?
- Sorry to disturb you, sir.

Is this the residence
of Private Jake Harper?

Yes, it is.
Is everything okay?

No, sir.
He's absent without leave.

H-he's AWOL?

Now we both have said it.

If he doesn't return
to the base within 24 hours

he will be brought up
on charges.

Oh. That's not good.

No, sir. It's bad.

Uh, well, I-I-I,
I haven't, I haven't seen him.

Uh, but, you know, if I,
if I do, I will, uh

I will get in
touch right away.

Uh, immediately.

- Thank you, sir.
- Okay.

Here's our contact information.

Good day, sir.

[laughter]

[Missi]
'Jake!'

Jake!

[Jake]
'Not now, dad.'

The military police
were at the door

looking for you.

- What did you tell them?
- I told them you weren't here.

Oh, thanks.
See you at dinner.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Are you kidding me, Jake?
AWOL?

Come on, it's not
that big a deal.

You could go to jail!

Really?
That seems a little extreme.

Alright, alright, enough.
Just-just go get your things.

and I'll drive you
back to the base.

No. I'm staying here with Missi.

This is not a discussion.
Let's go!

Dad, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm 18 and I'm in the army.

You're using the excuse
that you're in the army

to not go back to the army?

Hey, why don't you let me
go try to talk to him?

You think you can bring him
back to his senses?

Oh, yeah, I'm real good at
getting people

to do what I want
'em to do.

Back home they call me
the people whisperer.

It's kind of like
the horse whisperer

except I do it with people
and I don't really whisper.

Ooh, I tried it
with a horse one time.

He was just looking
at me like I was crazy.

Kind of like
you're doing right now.

I'll go talk to Jake.

She cannot become
my daughter-in-law.

Oh, good, you're going back.

Nope. You and me
are getting out of here.

- Where are we going?
- Doesn't matter.

I just wanna be with you.

Jake, I got to go back home.
I have a job.

Hey, if I can leave the army,
you can leave your job.

Whoa, slow down.

Why? I love you
and you love me, right?

Right?

Jake...you have to know
how much I really like you.

Oh, man.

But...you're in good company

'cause I only really
like great things.

You know, like,
ice cream sundaes

and jumping up and down
on bubble wrap

and that cute little bear
in the toilet paper commercial

that wipes his butt
on the tree.

Okay, I heard it that time.
I do got to shut up.

♪ Men ♪♪

[crowd cheering]

I brought you another beer.

[grunts]

I don't know if I should.

Oh, come on, drunk guys are hot.

You know, I got
to tell you, Whitney

I am having
the best time with you.

Good 'cause..

...I think you're wonderful.

Thanks.

- Do you really mean that?
- Of course, I do.

You're smart,
you're funny

not to mention very handsome.

Ah. Too late, you mentioned it.

You know, but seriously..

...I am so glad I met you.

Thanks.
Me too.

See, here's the thing.

- I really mean it.
- So do I.

Okay, see, I don't know
if you're just saying that

because I'm paying you
or if you really believe it.

How does it feel to you?

It feels like you mean it.

Then that's all that matters.

Wh...no, it's not.

See...I wanna know

if it's for real real

or if it's best performance
by a girlfriend

hired in a library real.

Because on my end, it is real.

Me too.

Okay, if I wasn't paying you

would you still feel that?

It wouldn't matter
if you were paying me or not.

But I am paying you.

Which doesn't change
the way I feel.

Okay, let's try this
another way.

I want you to feel

that it's really real

for real real.

And that is exactly how I feel.

Son of a bitch!

♪ Men ♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You okay?
- What do you care?

Come on, Jake, you know I care.

I feel so stupid.

No.

You're not stupid.

You wanna hear stupid?

One time I drank an entire
blueberry Slurpee in one slurp

had a three-hour brain freeze
and my pee looked like Windex.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I don't know,
I'm not real good with silence.

Just...promise me
you'll go back to the army.

Yeah, I'm going back.

Good.

Hey..

...we did have
some fun, though, right?

Yeah, we did.

Well, just remember that part.

Goodbye, Jake.

Where am I gonna find
another girl named Missi?

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

Where's your new girlfriend?

Ah, she's off for the day.

Where's your boyfriend?

We...kind of broke up.

How come?

You know, I just thought I was
coming here for a fun weekend

no strings attached, but..

...then Jake told me
that he loved me

and I just couldn't say it back.

- Ouch.
- I wasn't trying to hurt him.

It's just..

...he's not my soul mate.

Well, I hate to
break it to you..

...but...there is no such thing.

That's not true.
Everybody has a soul mate.

And when you find yours,
it's like that feeling you get

after the first big snowfall
of the year.

'You race outside
to go sledding'

and you go to the top of
the steepest hill you can find

and you know, your heart starts
racing and you get all sweaty

even though all your boogers
are frozen over and..

...the next thing you know,
you are zipping down

Montague Street laughing and
crying all at the same time

and you never want it to end.

And that's what real love
should feel like.

Nobody should settle
for anything less.

Remember when I told you
to shut up earlier?

- I'm sorry. I know.
- No.

Don't ever listen to me again.

'Cause that was awesome.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go see
if my girlfriend

wants to really
be my girlfriend.

And the people whisperer
strikes again.

♪ Men ♪♪

And we're flying down the hill

and you're all sweaty

and there are, like,
boogers frozen everywhere

and...the point is-is

I wanna share
that feeling with you.

For real.

I'm gay.

What?

I like women.

For real?

For real.

Wow.

You're a really good actor.

Thank you.

Hey, do you wanna go
to a movie tomorrow?

Sure, yeah. That sounds great.

I love you.

Love you too, honey.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

You alright, buddy?

I'm fine.

It's okay to be upset.

I'm not upset.

If you were,
I-I would understand.

I mean, you give yourself
to somebody

you finally let down
all your walls and..

...then they break your heart.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry
you have to go through this.

I mean....it just, it kills me
to see you in pain.

I mean, I-I know
you're a soldier now

but...you're still
my little baby boy.

You know, I-I remember bringing
you home from the hospital

wrapped in your
fuzzy blue blanket.

I love you so much.

I just, I-I just wish
I hurt instead of you.

Dad...it's okay.

No, no, it's not okay!

Maybe I should drive.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Thank you.

♪ Men ♪♪

All I'm saying is,
you can't give up.

Your soul mate's out there.

Yeah, I don't know, Missi.

You just got to keep
your eyes and your heart open.

You know, you never know
where you're gonna find her.

She could be anywhere
right now.

Hey, she might even be
at a Costco, wearing an apron

passing out egg rolls, so you
can sample the dipping sauce.

Little tip,
avoid the Chinese mustard.

Feels good going in,
not so good coming out.

Well, let's just hope
I find her before I get old.

Ooh, then you better
hurry up, grandpa.

Hey, let's make a deal.

Next time you're in town,
assuming you haven't

found anyone
and I haven't found anyone

what do you say
that you and I--

Ew!

I was gonna say
help each other find someone!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Ooo-oo men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men
Oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Oo-oo men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh huh-h-h men ♪♪