All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E04 - You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

I just can't remember
what I came down here for.

Oh. That happens
to me all the time.

I-I can't remember a specific
example, but yeah.

Yeah, that's annoying.
Uh, maybe you were hungry.

Did you come down
to get something to eat?

No, I just ate.

Were you going to watch TV?

No. I have a TV
in my room.

This is very disconcerting.

Don't panic. I mean,
we'll figure this out.

Did you come down to give me
the money you owe me?

Ah.

It's worth a shot.

No. I was upstairs,
and I thought to myself

"I need to come downstairs
and.."

[grunting]

You know what might help?
A little less..

- "Whoa, dude, where's my car?"
- No, it's not the pot.

I've been smoking pot since..

It's-it's not the pot.

What did I come
down here for?

[doorbell ringing]

- Walden!
- Hey!

I remember now.
We have a houseguest.

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men
oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Thank you so much
for sending that car for me.

I mean, I felt like a big
ol' movie star at the airport.

The driver held up a sign
with my name on it

carried my bags, and even gave
me a bottle of water from Fiji.

- It probably wasn't from Fiji--
- Would you look at this house?

I mean, right here
on the ocean.

This is like something
you would see in a magazine

except there would be
famous people

standing here instead of us.

It is so nice to see you.

Well, it is nice
to see you, too. Let me..

Uh, Missi, let me
introduce you to my friend--

Hi, I'm Missi.

Everyone thinks
it's short for Melissa,

but it's actually short
for Mississippi.

The river not the state.

'Cause according to my parents

I was conceived on the deck
of a gambling boat

when my daddy won a $5,000
jackpot on the Caribbean poker.

Wow, that's a--

Had you ever been to the
Caribbean?

I went there three years ago
for Spring break

and got stung by a jellyfish.

My friend had to pee on my leg.

Alan.

- Uh, it's nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you, too.

Um, could you direct me
to the little girl's room?

I mean, unless one of y'all

have recently been
stung by a jellyfish.

- Oh, it's right here.
- Thank you.

Wow.

She's a pistol.

More like an AK-47.

So, uh, what's, uh..
what's the story here?

Uh, you and her..?

No. She's my old friend
Jerry's daughter..

...and she's thinking
about moving here, so I told him

she could stay here for a couple
days, and I'd show her around.

Mm. She's very pretty.

Yeah?

How old do you
think she is?

- Like, 18 or 19.
- Oh, perfect.

You might lose a friend
but you won't go to jail.

Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit
me 'cause you can't hit that.

Ow!

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, my God, the weather
here is amazing.

You know, I could just
lay out in the sun

all day just like
a big ol' lizard.

Back home, I have to get a spray
tan

and sometimes it comes
out a little orange

which is totally fine
during Halloween

'cause I can always say
that I'm going as a pumpkin.

- Oh, that's interesting.
- I love Halloween.

Last year, I went to this party
as a slutty nurse

and then, the year before that
I was a slutty cat

and the year before that,
I was a ladybug.

A slutty ladybug?

What? No! Why would
I be a slutty ladybug?

Oh, I just..

- So..
- Thought since you were..

- What's the deal with Alan?
- Oh, we..

Y'all, like, gay for each other
or something?

I mean, it's totally fine
if you are.

I have a gay friend.
His name is Russell.

I got him to make out with me
one time, but it didn't take.

No. We...we
are not gay.

We are definitely not gay.

Uh-uh..

So, your dad tells me
that you're, um..

...you're thinking
about relocating.

Well, to be honest with you,

I'm not really sure
what I want to do.

You know, I can always keep
working as a dental assistant.

You know, that person that sucks
the spit out of your mouth

with that little Wet-Vac

and then gives you the free
toothbrush and the lollipop.

You do know what the lollipop's
for, right?

- Well, I'm assuming..
- Repeat business.

You know, if it were up to me,
I'd just give them caramel apple

or a little taffy or something.

Pull their teeth right out
of their little heads.

Now, that's how you make
money off children.

Well, that
and baby beauty pageants.

Right.

- So, uh...
- Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh...no, I do not.

I just went through a breakup.

Oh, you poor baby.

I am so sorry.

Could you put some
suntan lotion on my back?

Uh, sure.

Thanks.

Well, don't forget
to rubba-dub-dub.

- Rubba-dub-dub?
- Yeah, you got to rub it in.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Would you be offended
if I popped the girls out?

What?

You know, get a little color
on Kim and Khloe.

'Kim and Khloe..'

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

- Well,
- Where you going?

Uh, I just need to do this thing
that I need to do.

Okay. I'll be right here.
Take care.

♪ Men ♪♪

'You know, I had an electric
car, too, when I was little.'

'You know, like one of those
little Barbie Jeeps.'

Uh-huh.

But this one time, I
left it out in the rain.

- So the battery died.
- Uh-huh.

So my dad had to drill two
little holes in the floorboard

so I could stick my feet through

and pedal it
just like Fred Flintstone.

- Yabba-dabba-doo!
- Yabba-dabba-doo!

- Hey.
- Hey. Where have you guys been?

Uh, we went...

Walden took me to
the Santa Monica Pier.

I actually got one
of those churros.

You know, it's like a...like a
doughnut, but long and Mexican.

Oh, hey. I'm Missi.

Are you Alan's
girlfriend?

- Hell, no!
- No!

No, Berta
is my housekeeper.

Oh, cool.
When I was in high school

I used to clean rooms
at the Howard Johnson Hotel.

People are disgusting.

I walked into a bathroom
one time

and it looked like
a cow had exploded.

Excuse me. That churro's heading
back to the border.

That, my friends,
is what you get

when hillbillies
have unprotected sex

with hummingbirds.

♪ Men ♪♪

No. No trouble at all, Jerry.

She's a great kid.

Takes after her old man.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting
another call. I got..

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You know, I love you dearly,
Jerry, but you got to shut up.

Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.

[knocking on door]

- Yeah?
- Hi.

Hey, I just got off the phone
with your dad.

- He was just calling to see..
- Oh, Lord, that man can talk.

I swear, he doesn't even pause
to take a breath.

- Do you have a sec?
- Uh, sure.

Okay, yeah,
have-have a seat.

- Uh..
- Wow.

This is a nice bed.

I bet you could do
some serious drilling

on a workbench
like this, huh?

Yeah. So you wanted to talk
to me about something?

Do you remember the last time
that we saw each other?

- At dinner?
- No, silly.

I'm talking about when I was,
like, eight years old

and you came to visit us, and
we all went to the state fair.

Okay, I remember that.

Remember you had
to take me and my mom

'cause my dad
was working late?

And we ate cotton candy
for dinner, and then you won me

that little stuffed pig
in the squirt-gun horse race?

I used to practice
my kissing on him.

Lucky pig.

Eventually, I wore out all
the terry cloth on his snout

but it was actually okay, 'cause
by that time, I changed over

to real boys, which, turns out
a couple of them were pigs, too.

Yeah, pigs.

Do you want a robe or a blanket
or a suit of armor?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine. And remember, I wanted
to go on the tilt-a-whirl,

but my mom was too scared

so you said you'd sit next
to her, but I wanted you

to sit next to me,
so you sat in between us,

and you held
both of our hands?

But actually, you were
the one that got scared

and started praying real loud.

"Oh, Lord, please get
me off this ride!"

I think you even tinkled
a little bit.

Oh, it's a good memory.

I remember 'cause it was one
of the best days ever.

Aw.

Are you lonely?

Uh, you know,
I-I got Alan.

Yeah, but Alan doesn't
keep you warm at night.

You'd be surprised.
'Cause he, uh..

Listen, um, I have this idea.

You know, you might think
that it's kind of crazy.

Okay.

I was just thinking,
you know, since you're single

and-and you're super hot
and a really nice guy..

Yeah.

That, you know, maybe

you'd like to hook up
with my mom.

What?

She's been all alone
ever since my daddy ran off

with that lady
from the dry cleaners..

You know, the one
with that weird eye

that won't quite open
all the way.

Probably from all
them dry cleaning fumes.

You know, we should have
seen it coming.

She gave him all the clothes
that nobody claimed.

He had, like, four tuxedos.

Wait. Wait.

You want to set me
up with your mom?

She kind of always
had a thing for you

but she would kill me
if I told you.

Okay, Missi, I don't
think that's a good idea..

Just think about it, okay?

Okay.

Great.

Oh, and if it helps at all

she actually just got
her boobs done.

They actually used mine
as a model.

The doctor even put 'em
in his catalogue, number 244.

Anyone can't get 'em

but it's kind of weird now
when I walk around town

I just keep thinking
I see my boobs everywhere.

Goodnight.

Her mom?

♪ Men ♪♪

When did I
become the guy

that the hot 19-year-old
looks at and goes

"Hey, you'd be great
for my mom?"

Count your blessings.

One of my patients
tried to set me up

with her 70-year-old
grandmother.

No..

Yeah, yeah, we dated
for three months

and then, um,
one day I showed up

and she couldn't remember
who I was.

So we dated
another two months.

And, um, every day
was new again

until finally I got tired
of introducing myself.

Oh! But then six months later

she sent me a ten-dollar check
on my birthday.

[male #1]
'Hello?'

Jake?

- Hey!
- What are you doing here?

I got a weekend pass,
so I took a train in

to surprise you guys.

- Hi, soldier!
- Hello.

You must be Jake.

I'm sleeping
in your room.

Well, God bless America.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

It is so nice to meet you.
I'm Missi.

Short for Mississippi,
not Melissa.

She got stung by
a jellyfish and peed-on.

Thank you.

Are you, like, one of those
Navy SEAL guys?

They are so awesome.

No, I'm just a cook.

Well, that's cool, too.

- Without food, everybody dies.
- That's so..

This one time,
I found this

little baby bird that
fell out of a tree

'and landed in my backyard
and he was almost dead.'

So I started feeding him
with this little eyedropper

full of warm milk. "Eat
little bird, eat little bird."

And eat he did.

Within a week, I was
chewing up crackers

and spitting 'em
right in his mouth.

'And when he finally had enough
strength to fly on his own.'

- I set him free from the box.
- No kidding.

It was one of the most beautiful
things I had ever seen.

But he got about
ten feet up in the air

before my cat launched himself
off that picnic table

and caught him
right in mid-air.

I mean, he didn't even
have to chew.

Just one gulp
and that bird was gone.

But...I didn't have to
feed Mr. Mittens that day.

So I know how
important food is.

Thanks. Uh,
if you're hungry

- I could..
- I would love something to eat!

Oh. Okay.

Alright, well, uh..

Welcome back!

Good catching up.

That was like being there the
first time Beavis met Butthead.

Wait till Beavis sees Butthead
in a bikini.

God. You remember falling
that hard and fast for a girl?

I remember the fast part.

Kind of a relief those
days are behind us, huh?

Behind you.

These are my days.

- Oh, no, I wasn't saying..
- No, I am young, Alan.

I am young!

Fine, fine, you're young.

Where you going?

I don't remember.

♪ Men ♪♪

Mmm. Kid makes
good chili.

Glad you like it.

We have enough..

...for a month.

Why?

The recipe was
for a platoon

and math is not
his strong suit.

Where'd he take "Oh, my God,
this place is beautiful.

"Does that ocean go all the way
to Hawaii? I love Hawaii.

You know alohameans
hello and good-bye?"

They went for a walk
on the beach

which, you know,
has more grains of sand

than there are stars
in the entire Milky Way.

Speaking of which, do you like
Snickers or Milky Way?

I like Three Musketeers.

Even though I don't know
what nougat is.

Hey, what you doing?

Missi and I are hanging out
on the beach.

Am I gonna see you at all
while you're home?

Oh, uh-huh, yeah, sure.

- You're never gonna see him.
- Hey.

Missi told me she's trying
to set you up with her mom.

How cool would that be?

If you married her mom
and I married Missi

you'd be my stepdad.

Yeah, really cool.

Alright. See you later, Dad.

And Dad.

You know, if they have kids,
we'd be their grand pappies.

Ow!

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, to make
a long story short

I ate all the wafers,
which is why

you should never smoke pot
before you go to church.

That's funny. This one
time, me and my friend--

Do you want
to hear a joke?

Sure.

- What do gay horse eat?
- What?

Ha-a-a-a-y!

Can I ask you something?

- Any..
- Do you think I talk too much?

No, I love listening
to you talk.

- I mean, it's funny. Normally--
- You are just so sweet.

I swear I could
just eat you up

but, you know, then I'd
probably get a sugar rush

'cause you are just so sweet,
and if you think

I talk a lot now, you should
really hear me after I..

Well, I am definitely
gonna shut up now

'cause you're
a really good kisser

and the last thing
I want to do is..

♪ Men ♪♪

Look at you
making breakfast.

It's what the army
trains you to do

when you keep
dropping a loaded gun.

Here, have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you.

- You want to hear a joke?
- Sure.

What do gay horses eat?

- Mm...
- Hay.

So, uh, when do you leave
for the base?

Oh, my train leaves at 4:00.

Mm. I'll give you a ride
to the station.

Thanks.

You kidding? It's the only time
I will get to spend with you.

So, uh, how was sleeping
on that couch last night?

Oh, you know, it was
a little lumpy

but better than sleeping
with 60 guys

coughing, farting, and getting
all romantic with themselves.

Missi still sleeping?

No, she's in the shower.

Oops.

No, it's fine.

Sh-She seems
like a nice girl.

You have no idea.

Well, if you'll
excuse me.

I'm gonna take her some
breakfast.

As you can imagine,
we worked up quite the appetite.

Right.

And...when I say "worked up an
appetite", you understand--

I got it, I got it.

♪ Men ♪♪

I really loved hanging out
with you this weekend.

Cool.

Uh...yeah.

So, listen, I get another pass
in, like, a month

so maybe we can see
each other then.

Maybe.

Are...you feeling alright?

You're awful quiet.

Well, here's the thing, Jake.

Hang on, Dad!
There's a thing!

What's the thing?

- I sort of have a boyfriend.
- A boyfriend?

Well, technically we broke up
because I was tired of him

always putting his career
ahead of me.

He's a doctor.

Well, not a real doctor,
a glass doctor.

You know, like if you get
a crack in your windshield

he will come right
to your driveway and fix it

in less than half an hour,
guaranteed.

So..

Anyway, he sent me
this e-mail this morning

saying that he wants
to try things again

but now I really like you.
It's just that..

Zach and I have been together
for, like, six months

and we even went
to a wedding together.

I can't just
throw that away.

But, I thought you..

Good-bye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

You and Missi make plans
to see each other again?

No.

Why? I-I thought
you two were, uh..

I thought so, too.

Oh.

- If it helps--
- It doesn't.

Okay.

- I remember my first--
- Dad.

Gotcha.

Does it get any easier?

Oh, God, no.

But...the human mind
is a wonderful thing.

It forgets pain,
so you can..

...go out and get some more.

She has a boyfriend
back home.

A doctor.

How am I supposed
to compete with that?

Let me ask you something, Jake.

Knowing what you know now

and feeling how you feel now..

Would you have done
anything differently?

No.

I just would've done it
a few more times.

There you go.

That's what
love's all about.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey. So, I just got off
the phone with my mom.

Oh, yeah?

She's really looking forward
to hearing from you.

Gee, I-I don't know, Missi.

I'm...I'm not sure
it's a good idea.

I mean, I know your mom and dad
aren't together anymore

but your dad's
an old friend and..

Here's a recent
picture of her.

Then again, I haven't
seen him in years. I..

Great. I'll go tell her
that you're gonna call.

Hey, wait. Wait
a second. I..

Yeah?

I'm flattered that you think
I'd be good for your mom

but I was just curious

at any point in time,
did you think that..

Maybe you and me..?

Ew.

A simple "no" would suffice.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men
oo hoo hoo hoo hoo oo ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪