Original subtitles

♪ Men ♪♪

[instrumental music on TV]

Are you happy?

I was before you ate that last garlic knot.

I'm serious, I mean, don't you think

our relationship has become a little bit predict..

Predictable? Yes.

Why do you ask?

Well, I was thinking that maybe we could..

...spice things up a little.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, um..

...I have been reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey."

Oh.

And I have some silk scarves

and, uh, some duct tape.

Do you see this taking place in a bedroom

or the back of a panel van?

I don't know. I'm only halfway through the book.

Forget the book.

What about you?

Do you have any fantasies?

Oh, of course I do.

If I lived only my regular life

I'd eat a rifle.

Tell me one.

Well, I..

...guess I...always wanted to..

...take some naughty pictures of you.

We could do that.

- Really? - Yeah, why not?

There's already a lot available online.

What else?

Oh, well, I-I-I guess

it's a-a cliche for a guy but, um..

I've...always wanted to have a-a threesome.

Okay.

And I know it's silly. I know--

No, I mean, okay, we can do it.

If you are messing with me there is no way

I will everforgive you!

I'm not messing with you.

Seriously, we can have a threesome?

Come on, you'd do the same for me.

- Of course, I would. - Good.

'Cause I have a fantasy of my own.

Oh, hmm, lay it on me, baby.

I want to have a threesome also.

See? See?

This is why communication

isso important in a relationship.

I mean, two minutes ago

I didn't care if you lived or died.

Now, I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman.

You complete me but add another chick and I'll complete myself.

- Great! - So, what's your pleasure?

Blonde? Brunette? Someone with a little junk in the trunk?

No, no.

In my threesome, there's you, me

and another guy.

An-another guy?

Yup.

Boy, I don't know.

Uh..

I mean, I-I never thought about it

you know, that-that way.

[giggles]

Four balls, two bats and one mitt.

- Uh.. - Could be fun.

Yeah, yeah, but, uh..

...who would the other guy even be?

[Walden] 'Hey.'

Oh, crap.

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo ooh hoo ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

So, you want to have a threesome with me and Walden?

You have your fantasy, I have mine.

Yeah, but mine's a traditional

wholesome three-way.

You, me and an anonymous drunken slut.

The way God intended.

Walden is a friend. Plus, we see him all the time.

- So? - So it'll be awkward.

Not for me.

I-I just don't think it's a good time.

I mean, he just broke up with Zoey

and he's feeling very vulnerable right now.

I think this would help.

You know, he needs to get back on the horse

and in this case, ne-e-eigh!

Do we have a deal?

Alright, after we have mine, we will approach Walden--

- No, no, no, no. I go first. - Why?

Speaking from experience

once you get yours, I'll never get mine.

I am offended..

...that you would insinuate

that I would break a sacred trust.

I love you, Lyndsey, and if you can't believe in me

then, then we have bigger problems

in our relationship than whose dirty, nasty

hump-fest we have first.

Take it or leave it.

[sighs]

Take it.

Oh, I plan to.

♪ Men ♪♪

Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Wonder what the poor people are doing.

One of them is asking me what the poor people are doing.

[laughs]

Rich, good-looking and funny.

God certainly gave with three hands.

Hey, speaking of three hands, um..

...there's something I-I need to ask you.

- Sure. - Oh, boy, where do I start?

Uh, um, okay, here's the deal.

Um, things with Lyndsey and me

have gotten a little stale, uh, sexually speaking.

Everything is by the numbers.

I get it. You're skipping right from 68 to 70.

Exactly, exactly.

Um, anyhoo..

...uh...we've come up with a solution.

What's that?

We're going to have a, uh, a threesome.

[chuckles]

Really? What? She agreed to that?

Yup.

Dude, way to go.

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Um, the thing is..

...um, Lyndsey wants to have a sausage fest

before the clambake.

[both laughing]

- That's clever. - Yeah.

Yeah, and she-she has this crazy idea

that before I have mythreesome

she wants to have one of her own.

Whoa, what, hold on.

She wants to have a threesome without you?

Oh, no, no, I'm gonna be there, uh, uh, but with..

...another guy.

- Huh. - Yeah.

And the, the really crazy part is..

[laughing]

...um, uh..

...that she wants the other guy

uh, to be, um, you.

Okay.

Yeah, now, I-I-I told her

that there was no way--

Oh, no, no, no. I'm in.

Wh-what? What? You're in?

Yeah, sure. It sounds like fun.

You know, now that Zoey and I aren't together

I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be

doing my own thing.

And Lyndsey's own thing.

Probably not your own thing.

- Well, ar-ar-are you sure? - Yeah. Why not?

Time to shake things up, get out of my comfort zone, you know?

Maybe slip into your comfort zone.

Get it?

I got it.

Well, I guess, I guess, I should let Lyndsey know.

[laughs]

Um, she'll be thrilled.

As am I.

Yay.

Hey, do you..

You wanna do this, right?

Oh, oh, absolutely, uh, you know

I'm-I'm very open-minded

uh, about sexual matters.

After all, I-I did grow up

during the sexual revolution.

Well, technically, a few years after

but there were still condoms and diaphragms

layin' all over the place.

Oh, and, uh, just a heads-up..

...um...exit only.

Nope, not even a thumb.

♪ Men ♪♪

I am so happy you said yes.

I am honored you asked.

Aren't you adorable?

Not as adorable as you.

Oh..

Yeah, yeah, we're all adorable.

Um..

...w-w-we need to establish some ground rules.

Hmm, sure, like what?

Uh, well, uh, for instance

uh, there are a few things

that I happen to know Lyndsey

is not exactly fond of doing.

No, I'm good.

R-really?

You're good?

With everything?

Even the Philadelphia Dump Truck?

Back it up.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Anything else?

Uh, well, I guess this goes without saying

but, uh, you know

we're not making Band-Aids here

so Johnson should never meet Johnson, so..

Well, that's true.

Two dongs don't make a right.

[laughing]

Oh, oh, and speaking of..

Um, if you have any desire

to stick your tongue in my mouth

just stick your tongue in her mouth

and then she'll stick her tongue

in my mouth and we'll consider

the circle complete.

Fine.

It's your loss.

Iwould like to propose a toast.

Oh!

Friends may come and friends may go

friends may peter out, you know.

But here's to us

through thick and thin

peter out and peter in.

Hear, hear.

Cheers.

So, what do you say?

Let's get these balls rollin'.

♪ Men ♪♪

This is okay, what we're doing, right?

I mean, we're all consenting adults.

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.

Sure.

I mean, you know, if one of us was

mentally impaired

then the-the consent might be suspect.

True, I mean, i-if you were

required to wear a helmet or..

...have a service dog..

...that might be construed

as takingadvantage.

Yeah, yeah, but everybody here

knows what they're getting into, so..

Yeah, nobodies taking their

pants off for a candy bar.

Or...absolution.

Um, so, listen..

...uh..

...don't feel obligated

to bring your A game today, okay?

My A game?

Yeah, I mean, what I'm saying is..

...you're younger than I am

you're prettier than I am

there's...more..

of you than there is of me.

What do you want me to do?

Well, I'm just saying we're playing on a public course here

spot me a couple of strokes.

You just be the maypole

and let her run around with the ribbons.

No, no, that is not my style.

I'm very aggressive. I'm in it to win it.

What do you think, boys?

I am definitely gonna win it.

Oh, yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Uh, you do look beautiful, darling.

Yeah, thanks.

Ooh!

This is probably bad to say but..

...Zoey had an outfit like that

she used to wear all the time.

Well, not all the time.

Just when we were having sex.

Which was pretty much all the time.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Oh, I guess we're starting.

Okay, uh, um..

You know, I-I, um..

...I not only loved Zoey.

I also loved her daughter.

That is beautiful.

I kinda thought we were gonna be family.

We're your family now.

I'm starting to feel a little like

a very distant cousin.

[sobbing] I miss her so much.

[Lyndsey sighs]

I'd have given odds that I'd be the one crying.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Walden, you doing okay in there?

[Walden] 'I'm okay.'

'I just need a minute.'

Maybe this just isn't meant to be.

Why not?

The man is clearly upset.

Oh, boo-hoo.

[door opens]

I'm really sorry.

Hey, no need to apologize.

In fact, if it would help

you can close your eyes and pretend I'm Zoey.

- Really? - Of course.

Um, should I pretend you're somebody else?

Do whatever you want.

That's a good idea. Let's-let's try that.

- Attaboy. - Okay.

Oh, Zoey!

[imitating Zoey] Oh, Walden.

Give us a good shagging, won't you?

I can't.

'I can't do this!'

"Give us a good shagging, won't you?"

- What? That's a thing. - It doesn't matter.

Let's just make sure we don't

get a crybaby for my threesome.

Your threesome?

We haven't even had mine yet.

Uh, I beg to differ.

I held up my part of the bargain.

If I serve pie and nobody's hungry

it still counts as dessert.

I suppose.

Now what?

Well, not that you care

but I did take a lethal dose

of boner pills before we started.

Is that so?

I'm either going to have sex or a stroke.

Your call.

Come on. Let's go to your bedroom.

Really?

I'd rather take care of you

for the next 20 minutes

than the next 20 years.

That's the spirit.

♪ Men ♪♪

It's a beautiful day.

Why don't you go down to the beach

and find some kids to play with?

I don't wanna.

Okay, why don't you

go ride your bike?

I don't feel like it.

Well, you can't sit in the house all day

staring at that computer.

I made a billion dollars doing this.

Carry on.

[Skype caller tone]

- Hi. - Hi.

Great to see you.

What's up?

Well, I got a most interesting

phone call this morning.

From Lyndsey.

Alan's Lyndsey?

The-the one with the drinking problem?

The very same.

What she ha..

What did she want?

Well, she wanted to tell me

in no particular order

that you're a great guy..

...that you're still very much in love with me

and that I'm a complete idiot

for breaking up with you.

I am. I am. You are.

You didn't put her up to that call, did you?

No, not at all.

'I do miss you.'

It's been veryhardfor me too.

I was kinda hoping that you'd say that.

So, do you think that--

You, sir, can make out

with my girlfriend any time you want.

[Alan] You got her so worked up

she humped my brains out.

So, where were we?

I miss you, you miss me, ah..

[thud] 'Ow! What did I do?'

[thud] 'Ow!'

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

This is just like Christmas morning.

But instead of celebrating the birth of our Lord

little Alan's gonna get some strange.

I know you're excited

but the first step is

selecting the right girl.

Mm.

Hey, what about that

blonde over there?

Eh, I guess.

What's wrong with her?

Well, her outfit's a little matchy-matchy, isn't it?

The outfit's going to be on the floor of the bedroom.

Well, still, it says something

about her lack of imagination.

Fine.

Hey, how about the redhead?

Ooh, redheads.

They do dirty things.

- So, should we approach her? - No, no, hang on. Hang on.

- She's got a tramp stamp. - So?

It's a little skanky, isn't it?

We're trying to invite her to a threesome.

Skanky is good.

You're right. You're right.

Oh, although, she does have cankles.

Skanky cankles.

Isn't that what they call Santa Claus in Norway?

Are you done?

Sorry, just a little case of

the pre-menagejitters.

You do realize if I wasn't here

you couldn't get any of these women?

I'm not so sure about that.

I still have a few moves up my sleeve.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Be my guest.

Fine. Okay, watch this.

- Hello. - No.

I'm good with whoever you pick.

♪ Men ♪♪

[Alan] 'I-I'm confused.'

The only reason you're doing this

is because it's your husband'sfantasy?

Ex-husband.

[Alan and Lyndsey] Ah.

Wow. What a view.

The view from here is pretty good, too.

Certainly is.

I'm gonna end up watching from the sidelines again, aren't I?

You're lucky you even get to watch.

♪ Men ♪♪

Wow! You two look really lovely.

Y-you could actually be sisters.

That is exactly wrong.

Oh, no, I meant, uh, I meant, uh, sisters.

Like, uh,sisters doing it for themselves.

What's the deal? Is he dying and this is on his bucket list?

It's complicated. Just stay focused on me.

Okay.

So, uh, shall we get this party started?

Great, is there somewhere where I can just...freshen up?

Sure, the bathroom's down the hall.

Okay, be right back.

[chuckling]

Um, so, how are we slicing up this pie?

What?

You know, who gets what when?

Or we just gonna take shifts

and tap each other out like wrestlers?

- Nice to meet you, too. - Yeah.

So, uh, how do you know Lyndsey

and, uh...the old guy?

Oh, Alan? He lives here. This is my house.

No kidding.

Oh, oh and one more thing, um, if I yell "cheeseburger"

it means I'm getting close and you need to whack me

on the back of the head, 'cause I want this to last.

[laughs]

You're so cute.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Oh, no.

No!

Oh, man!

I just cannot catch a break.

♪ Men ♪♪

[moaning]

[Alan sighs]

She sounds fun.

Oh, so does he.

You know, if...we...close our eyes

and don't say anything..

Way ahead of you, Walden.

[Alan] 'Cheeseburger!'

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men ♪

♪ Ooh hoo-hoo hoo-hoo ooh hoo ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha ah ha-a-ah ♪♪ Men ♪♪