All language subtitles for The Office Superfan s09e15 Couples Discount.eng

[cheerful music]

? ?

- Hey.

I feel so lucky we're in the
same city for Valentine's Day.

- It's like magic.

Or it's like me getting
on my hands and knees

and begging my partners
to switch a Tuesday

for a Thursday.
- Alakazam.

- By the way, they do need
an extra day next week.

- And poof, he disappears.

- [snaps fingers]

- Hey.
Want to play hooky today?

- Oh, maybe.
What do you got in mind?

- We can do anything you want.

I really want
to have fun today

because tomorrow
is going to be a nightmare.

Andy's coming back from
his stupid, dumb boat trip.

He's been rude,
he's been selfish,

I think he's a big jerk,
and I'm breaking up with him.

Bam, Andy!
How you like me now?

I hope as a friend.

- Erin says
she's gonna break up with Andy,

but I'm not sure.

He's coming back tomorrow,
and surprise,

today she wants to do
whatever I'd like.

You know, when I was a kid,
we had a dog who got real sick,

and we had to send him
to a farm.

And on his last day,
we did everything he loved.

- [gasps]

- [chuckles]

- Want to play catch
in the parking lot?

- Sure.
- Great.

- Get my coat.
- Perfect.

- [knocks on door]
[murmurs] Come in.

Andy, hi, I just made
another huge sale

for the company
that you manage,

so I need you to authorize
that expense report

and sign off on that contract.

I would be happy to.

It would be my pleasure,
Mr. Schrute.

Rink-a-dit doo, rika-doot-deet
doo, rika-deet-doo.

I really like Andy these days.

He's pretend, and he does
exactly as I tell him to.

All that will change when
real Andy comes back tomorrow.

Unless he comes back
as pretend Dwight,

in which case,

we're in for an epic,
confusing showdown.

- [sighs]

- Nellie, what's wrong
with your face?

- Andy's coming back tomorrow.

- Oh.

- Ugh.

I guess I'll be back
to one lunch and one nap a day.

I feel like
I'm in the service again.

- Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]

With Andy away,
it's been a lot of fun.

In fact, our desk clump has
kind of become fun central.

We get a little crazy.

- I might be alone here,

but I'm happy
Andy's coming back.

You can never have too many
ding-dongs on the dance floor.

You know what I'm saying?

- Andy left a carton of milk
in the fridge,

so I've been sneaking
a little bit

every day
for the last three months.

It's been yummy.

But now Andy's coming back.

So...

I guess it's good-bye,
chunky lemon milk.

Okay, I'll say it.

I wish Andy had stayed
on his trip.

- I say we all have
one last fun boss-less day.

- Yeah, let's get some booze
and some cocaine

and just blow it out,
no consequences.

- Or the mini mall.

They have all these
Valentine Day deals.

And you get 20% off
if you come in

with your husband
or your boyfriend.

But, I mean, if you don't have
one of those,

you can probably
just bring

whoever it is you use
to kill your loneliness.

- Phyll, I'll pretend
to be your husband.

I'm already sick of you,
so it'll seem realistic.

- Oh...
- They have a nail salon there

where I get my feet detailed.

They use a watch-repair kit.

- Ooh, I'll be your foot buddy.

- And what are you doing
loitering about?

- Well, I just--I just
usually sit at Jim's desk

when he's not here,
but he's here today, so...

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you need something?

- Yes. I, uh...

just needed to delete
a couple...

files, just move them
to the old recycle bin.

- Great.

- And just empty
that recycle bin.

- Okay.

- And just disable
the deleted-files recovery.

[computer beeps]
- I'm not--

I'm not gonna look
at your files, Clark.

- And... restart.
[computer chimes]

We're all good.

- Everyone, it is our last day
here with no manager.

I say we go to the mini mall.

Clark, you will be
my fake boyfriend

so I can get the discount.
- That's what I do.

- I like dynamic men.

Toby's not my type, and
I don't want to lead him on.

Clark is also not my type,

but leading him on does not
concern me in the least.

- Do it.

- Darryl, everyone
seems to be pairing off.

Do you want to pretend to be
a couple so we get the...

- No.

Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I...

want to pretend to be gay?

I got no problem with that.

- All right, it'll be easy.
Don't be nervous. Just follow--

- Stop talking about it.
I said I'm fine with it.

- These are gross.
- They are terrible.

- Oh, hey, don't fill up
on chocolates.

I made us a lunch reservation
at State Street Grill.

- Oh, my God.
That's so romantic.

- It's with Brian and Alyssa.
- Oh, my God.

That's less romantic.

- I know, but we should go.

We need to thank him
for, you know, saving my life.

- Yeah, yeah, no, totally.
That's good.

So should we just get a bottle
of wine later and celebrate?

- That sounds nice.

- I'm very excited
to see Brian.

Brian's a great guy,

and Pam and I have
gotten really close

to he and his wife, Alyssa,
over the years, and...

he got fired
for protecting my wife

from a jerk in the warehouse.

I'm sorry, but you know him.
He's a good guy.

- Oh, you're good.

- Or lucky.

- Oh, yeah?

Feeling lucky now, punk?

- Oh. I am.

I am feeling
very lucky right now.

- Well, me too.

- Oh.

both: Oh.

- Ham it all to deli!

All right.

It's under the car.
You got to go get a stick.

Come on, Pete.
[whistles] Go get a stick.

- His name was Darby.
He was a beagle mix.

And much of his last day
was spent playing with a stick.

[indistinct chatter]

- Yes, double trouble.

- Oh, Tiny Foot Lady
is back.

- Oh...
- Oh, get the baby clipper.

- [gasps]
- Oh, so cute.

[excited chatter]

- Hi, Hae-joo.

Hi, Soo-han.
Hi, Min-ji.

Hi, Jae-sun.

- Wow.
You know all their names.

- No, that's the great thing
about Korean names.

You just say whatever.

- Hi, Betty.
Hi, Leroy.

- You take off
your glasses.

- Okay.

- [giggles]

- What?

- Your boyfriend--
he look like a pretty girl.

- My boyfriend does look like
a pretty girl, doesn't he?

Yes, a very little pretty girl.

And you know what?
I think you are developing.

We should go
and get you a training bra.

- [giggles]
- [laughs]

- Oh, you guys both think
this is funny?

- [laughing] It's quite funny.
- Well, you know what?

No more discount.

Excuse me!
- What? Shush!

- Full price.

We're not together.
- Oh, come on.

- She's living a lie.

- Turns out I can't even be
in a pretend relationship.

both: Oh!

- Sorry.
- That's all right.

I'll get it.

Oh.

Uh...

Oh.

Some homeless guy
stashed his stuff back here.

- Oh, ew.
Oh, Pete, drop it.

- Yeah?
- Drop it. That's dirty, Pete.

Come on.

- Ooh!

- Pete, drop it.
Drop it, Pete.

No, that's dirty.

You're not bringing that
in the office.

- [exhales sharply]
- Did you even get the Frisbee?

- Oh.
- No, stay.

- Hi. We'd like
the couples discount

on a pair
of foot massages.

- No, no discount
for two men.

Two men are not a couple.

- We are together, romantically.

- Two men.
- [speaking Korean]

- [scoffs, laughs]
Doesn't work. No discount.

- Oh, it works.

Him and me, all right,
we are crazy in love.

More in love than your
small mind can comprehend.

And we have two disposable
incomes and no kids,

and we're taking
our business elsewhere.

- [softly]
Oh...

- [exhales deeply]

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey.
- Hey, Brian.

- Hey.
- Sorry we're late.

- Oh, uh, no problem.
Uh, I finished all the bread.

- Oh.
- [laughs] Yeah, okay.

- What?

- He's on a no-carb thing, supposedly.

- Oh.

- [sighs] It's great
to see you guys.

Thanks for coming.
- Yeah.

- Are you kidding?
Thank you, man.

I mean, I've wanted
the opportunity to say thanks

for...

everything, and I'm
really sorry about the job.

That just seems crazy.
- It's fine.

What are you gonna do?

But if you guys know of
any work, I'm fully available.

- Well, my dad
can't hear a thing.

You could boom
his whole life for him.

- That--okay, great.
Does he pay well?

- [laughs]
Where's Alyssa?

- Uh, yeah.

Um, you know, Alyssa's--
she's not gonna make it today.

- Oh.
- Um...

actually,
we're not gonna make it.

Uh, we're splitting up.

- I have yet another
sales order for you to sign.

Why, thank you, Mr. Schrute.
I don't know how you do it.

You're a god.

Rink-a-dink, deet, deet, doo.

- Hi, Dwight.

- You're back.

And you're disgusting.

- Aw, jeez,
my nails aren't dry yet.

I don't think I can work
for at least a couple hours.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, well, well,
look who it is.

- Andy.

- I guess I can cancel
my order from zappos.com,

because, oh,
the loafers have arrived.

- Andy.
- Hey! Sweetheart!

I missed you so much.

- Yes. Oh.

Welcome back, buddy.
- [chuckles]

I have been dreaming
of this moment.

- Me too. So much.
I'm so happy.

I am really,
really bad at breakups.

Technically, I'm still dating
my first-grade boyfriend.

I mean, we just had
our 20th anniversary.

And I forgot
to get him something.

- What happened? We thought
you were coming back tomorrow.

- Well, Valentine's surprise
for Erin.

Hello?
Super romantic.

And I got you something.

Oh, it's a couple of pieces
of bamboo, big deal, right?

No, these are
musical instruments.

It's so we can play
island music together,

'cause I have this.

[rhythmic beat]

Clop the cloppers.

Yeah, clop 'em.
[both playing]

It's called bembe.

It's the sound
that saved my life.

- It's extremely grating.
- Isn't it?

It grates away the stress,
grates away the worries

until all that's left
is the bembe.

Come on, join me.

? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Aruba, yoruba ?

- ? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Aruba, raruba ?

- Hey, Burning Man, if it's not
selling out too much,

you might want
to throw on a tie.

David Wallace is gonna be here
in an hour.

- Obviously,
that's why I'm here.

I mean, I came back early
to surprise Erin.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

- But I'm just saying--

I'm also excited
about the Wallace meeting.

- Why? Isn't he just coming in
to rip you a new one

for being gone
three months?

- No, please, come on, Clark.

Wallace knows that he's been
gone for the last three months.

Right?

Wallace does know

that you've been gone
for the last three months?

- I have no idea. I don't know
what he knows or doesn't know.

But we've been in touch
the whole time.

I mean, it's not hard
to get high-speed Internet

in Turks and Caicos, people.

It's in every bembe cafe.

- He only emailed me
four times.

- Question. Where's Jim?

- He and Pam are having
their Valentine's Day lunch.

- For two hours, really?

- So you're concerned

about peoples' long absence
from their place of work.

- If the shoe fits...

? Yoruba, yoruba ?

- ? Ruba, yoruba ?

- We were telling two different
versions of the same story,

and then everything
just went numb.

- Well, I mean,
that's okay.

It doesn't mean
that it's over, right?

I mean, couples fight.

- Yeah, that's the thing--
when we were fighting,

it weirdly felt like the
relationship was still alive.

And it wasn't until we stopped
fighting that...

we realized it was over.

[voice breaking]
It's over.

I'm sorry, this is--
Oh, my God, okay.

We have to stop
seeing each other like this.

Uh, we have to find
a different way to communicate

other than breaking down
in front of each other.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- What?

- At least my crying
won't get you fired.

- Right.

- [sighs]

- "Crying"?

[knock on door, door opens]
- Yo.

Hey.

Any idea who's been using
my office while I was gone?

I found this crate of beets
under my desk.

- Huh. Could be anybody.
It's a very popular snack.

Crunchy like an apple

but without all that flavor
to get in the way

of the texture.
- Right.

- Can you sign that?
- Yeah.

Hey, so I noticed
that you landed

the Scranton white pages
account.

That is tremendous.

- Thank you.
- [chuckles]

And you sold it
to Jan, too, I mean...

- Yes.
[laughs]

- I'm impressed.
- [laughs] Yeah.

- Well, there's one problem.

Couldn't help but notice
that you offered

a price point that was not
approved by the head office.

So...

got to run that stuff
by me, Dwight.

- You were on a boat.
- I was...

- On a boat in the ocean.

- Okay, the issue is that you
need to run this stuff by me.

Coolio?

Are we coolio?

Just say the word "coolio."
- I'm not gonna say it.

- Say it.
- Not a word.

- Coolio.
- No.

[dial tone drones]
What do you think you're doing?

- Just gonna call
the Scranton white pages

and clear this right up.
- Don't you dare, Andy.

[line trilling]
- Hello?

- Oh...
- Hey, Jan. Nard Dog here.

- Oh, Andy...

- I was just looking over
the paperwork.

I found a little hiccup.
- Really?

- Yeah, it appears my employee
offered you a price

that he was not
authorized to.

- Hmm.
- Coolio.

- Seriously?
You're calling me

a few weeks
after finalizing our contract

to gouge me now
for more money?

Is that what you're doing?
- Coolio. I'm coolio.

- No, no, no, Jan,
I think you misunderstood.

- Yeah.
- I'm coolio.

- It's--it's actually
just an issue--

- You know what, uh, Nard Dog?

There is an option
in the contract

that allows me to back out
within 30 days of signing,

so I would like
to exercise that option.

- No, Jan, please do not listen
to this boob!

Remember Clark. He gave you
everything, everything.

- Jan, I don't know
what he's talking about, but--

- Tell Angela to send me
a final invoice.

[line clicks,
dial tone drones]

- Please, Ja--Ja--
- Ooh.

Oh.

That was not...

how I had hoped
that would go.

- You just lost
the largest contract

this company has had
in five years.

- Well, you know what they say.
Easy come, easy go.

- This contract
was not "easy come."

It was
"incredibly difficult come."

- Oh.

What do you think this means
regarding the bonus?

- Hey, everybody,
great job.

Listen, we're a smidge behind
on my paychecks.

- Yes, well, as you know,
we get paid on Fridays.

And you haven't been here
for 12 Fridays.

- All right.
Thank you very much.

Looking good.

Who's that little fella?

- It's a bonus check
for you from Wallace...

because the branch exceeded its
targets over the past quarter.

- Wow, that's wonderful.
- Quarter's three months.

That's how long
you've been gone.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Great, well,
we're all up to speed.

- Two seconds
of the Turd Dog,

and he loses the biggest sale
this branch has ever seen.

- Do you have any idea
what I had to do

to get that sale from Jan?

I mean, I went all out,
all out.

I mean like everything was out
the whole week.

- He just waltzes
back in here

like he owns
the chunky lemon milk.

Who needs him, right?

- God, I just don't know
what we do.

I mean, short
of telling David Wallace

that he was gone
for three months...

I'd like to rat out Andy,
but, unfortunately, I have

a bit of a "boy who cried wolf"
dynamic with David Wallace,

except instead of a boy,
I'm a man,

and instead of a wolf, I cried,

"genetically engineered
monster wolf."

- I-I'm not gonna rat on him.
Andy gave me a second chance.

So the least I could do is let
somebody else rat on him.

Meredith, why don't you?

- Meredith Palmer ain't never
been called no narc.

Floozy? Yes.
Alkie? Check.

Einstein sarcastically?
You bet.

But never no narc.

Vomit mop? Sure.
Floor meat? That's me.

Flesh hoover? Hi.
- Hey--

- Meredith, that's plenty,
all right?

That's more than plenty.

Why does no one stop her?

- Guys, I know that a lot
of people are mad at Andy,

and believe me, I am, too.

But he has been through a lot,

and we all used
to love him, right?

So, if he's gonna
get in trouble,

just let it be his fault,
not ours.

I-I don't want that
on my hands.

- Fine.
[scoffs]

The state he's in, Wallace
will take one look at him

and probably
fire him anyway.

- What's going on in here,
dirty players?

Let's get back to bustin'
some paper rhymes.

Come on.

? Who's that girl? ?

? Who's that girl? ?

It's Andy.

[chuckles]

All right.
[snaps fingers]

Back to work.

- Okay, I can tell
you're mad at me.

Do you want to just, um,
I don't know, tell me why?

- I don't know.

I thought that was
a little weird.

You told me Brian got fired
for the whole warehouse thing.

And you intentionally left out

a kind of major
intimate detail.

I don't know, Pam, I guess
I just feel like a chump...

who knows less about his
marriage than the sound guy.

- I didn't tell you
about the crying

because I didn't want you
to know how upset I was,

because it would've stressed
you out,

and you're always saying

how much you don't want
more stress.

- Yeah, well, yeah, okay.
Well, then thank you.

Thanks to both of you.
- It's not Brian's fault.

- No, you're right,
and--and I'm not mad at Brian.

And to be honest, I probably
don't have any reason

to be mad at all
because I wasn't there.

So let's just forget about it.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

- I need you guys
to tell me

all the highlights
from the last three months,

in case David asks.

Just a few things I could
sprinkle into conversation.

Any big sales or office gossip?

- Well, we had
the Scranton white pages.

- Not helpful.
Let's stay positive, people.

Okay?
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, David, how are ya?

Oh, we were just having
our weekly round table,

where we motivate each other.

I'm not gonna lie--I get
as much out of it as they do.

- Sounds great.
Don't let me interrupt.

Whatever you guys have been
doing this last quarter,

I couldn't be happier
with the numbers.

- Thank you.
- Blown away, honestly.

Tremendous.
Well done.

- Wow. Well, I wish
I could take all the credit,

but I also have to thank
a first-rate Cornell education.

- [softly]
Oh, my God.

- Well, finish up.

I'm gonna meet with Val
about that warehouse guy

you had to let go, and you
and I will talk in 15 minutes?

- Great.
- Great job, everybody!

- [softly] We had to let
a warehouse guy go?

- You know Pam's mural?
Well, Frank--

- Lit the whole thing on fire.
It was crazy.

- What?
- Yeah.

- There was a fire
in the warehouse?

- The whole thing
is in ashes.

Fire department was here.
It was in all the papers.

- Whoa.

- This is what
I'm talking about.

This would be good to know.
All right, what else?

- We started
selling balloons.

- What?
- Yeah.

And, uh, Kathy Ireland
signed on

as the official spokes-babe
of Dunder Mifflin.

- No kidding.

- Yeah,
in the European billboards,

she's gonna be topless.
- [chuckles] Wow.

Go, Kathy.
She's, like, 50.

- They're tasteful.
- Good, good. What else?

Meredith, what's with the hair?

- I married
an Orthodox Jewish man--

Myron Hannukah.

- Go, Meredith!

All right, what else?

- This year has been
a wild ride.

- Who knew the balloon game
would be so lucrative?

And thank God, right? We needed
the income after the fire.

- What fire?
- The warehouse fire.

Weren't you just down there?
It's, like, burnt to ashes.

- It looked fine to me.

- I am speaking metaphorically,
of course.

You know I have lots of irons

in the "fire."
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, that's one of 'em,
you know.

Making sure that
the warehouse logistics

is a well-oiled,
properly stoked fire.

- Okay.

- I think you'll agree
I explained that pretty well.

- Thanks, Andy.
- Thank you.

- All right. Everyone.

[door opens, closes]

[scraping rhythmically]

- The fish sounds great.
- Yeah, I guess.

- Really playing
the scales, huh?

- Yeah, I don't know.

It just sort of sounds
like noise to me now.

You think I need
a new fish?

- I don't love you anymore.
- What?

- I still like you, but you
were gone a really long time,

and you didn't really email me
all that much.

You re-tweeted me a lot,
to be fair.

But I don't love you.

- Okay, I get it.
You're unhappy.

I've been gone a long time, and
we lost a little bit of juju,

but you and me,
we have a future.

There is a lot of love here.

- I just said there isn't love.

- On your side.

But there's tons on my side.
It's gushing.

We're just out of sync
right now.

But that's just timing,
and what's timing?

I mean, my parents
lasted 30, 40 years.

They were never happy
at the same time.

- I guess.

- I mean,
what do we have left?

35, maybe 40 years,
if we're lucky?

I mean, I have spent
a lot of time in the sun.

- You got really sunburned.

- I'm gonna be a prune
in, like, three years.

- Ugh...

- I know you
may not be feeling love

for me right now,

but if you fake it,

I won't be able
to tell the difference.

So I'll feel good.

And then, eventually,

maybe you'll actually start
to love me again.

- You really think
we can get that back?

- Yes.

Come on.
[smooches]

Totally.

- You know what?

Maybe we should cancel
that bottle of wine tonight.

- Oh?
- Yeah, I just feel like I got

a bunch of stuff
to do in Philly,

and I'm sure you have stuff
to do, so we can just...

I don't know, drop me
at the bus station?

- Are you sure?

- I just feel like
we're gonna fight.

- Yeah.

- So...

how about let's not?

- Okay.

- Oh, um...

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sorry. I-I didn't have time
to wrap it.

- Wow.
I didn't know you kept this.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you.

- No problem.

- I don't think you should go
to Philly tonight.

I think that you should stay,
and I think we should fight.

- You really want to fight
on Valentine's Day?

- Yeah, I do.

- Okay.

All right,
put your dukes up, Beesly.

- Hi.

- Hey, you okay?

- I couldn't do it.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, you don't have
to apologize.

I just--I just want you
to be happy, okay?

[chuckles]

[door opens]

- We're breaking up.

And just so you know,

I was worried
that you were dead.

You were gone for three months.

- Andy? David. Still here.

What was that
about three months?

- Being a pretend couple
was fun.

I mean, the real stuff
will happen tonight with Bob,

but for a day at work...

- Can't beat a poke in the eye
with a sharp stick.

- Exactly.
[chuckles]

See, he finished my sentence.

We almost could be
a real couple

if we didn't find each other
so unattractive.

- Extremely unattractive.
- Yeah.

- Wasn't too bad.
Oscar bought me lunch.

We went
to another manicure place.

The ladies there
are much more progressive.

Not sure I should've let you
talk me into these.

- I think they look great.

And it could be either baller
or gay, so it works either way.

You know,
maybe this is the best way

to do Valentine's Day--
faking it.

- But it would be nice
to finally meet

that special person
that means something to you.

That way, you can just relax
and enjoy the day.

- Amen to that.

- I went traditional--
polish and buff.

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