All language subtitles for The Office Superfan s09e10 Lice.eng

- To me, the Sixers
are a five-seed, tops.

- I think they're going
to the conference finals.

- No.
- Bynum, an obvious monster.

At three-point shooting,
don't even--

I bit my lip
at lunch today.

- Sucks.
Anyway, I just don't see it.

The Knicks are tough.

The Nets are tough.
- Oh, the Nets are super tough.

- Now I have this big bump
on my lip that hurts.

I hate it.

- The Hawks are terrible.
They're always terrible.

- Okay, you need
to think about it

before you come with the--

Whatever.
It's not a big deal.

You know, I always tell
my three-year-old,

if this is the worst thing
that's gonna happen--

you gotta be kidding me!

Okay. Pam, that's it.
I'm going home.

[cheerful music]

? ?

- Morning, Meredith.

- What?

- Oh, sorry.
Pam.

Yikes.

- Jim's been spending
a few days a week in Philly,

and I'm not gonna lie--
it's been challenging.

Yesterday, things took
a turn for the worse.

I found out Cece has lice,
so I was up all night,

disinfecting every sheet,
towel, toy,

item of clothing
in the entire house.

I'm exhausted.
But don't tell Jim.

He has a huge meeting today,
under a lot of pressure,

and he's doing it all
for the family.

- Hey,
- There he is.

- You cool for today?
- Cool?

Broseph, I'm so cool,
I'm frozen.

Sorry.
I will not talk like that.

I'll be cool.

I am meeting Dr. J today,

otherwise known
as Julius Erving,

famed 76er
and my own personal hero.

But I have to be careful
not to rub it in Pam's face

because, let's be honest,
how would I feel

if I was at home,
stuck with the kids

while she was go-karting
with John Stamos?

You sound tired.
Everything okay?

- Great.
Everything's great.

Hey, are you nervous
about your big meeting?

- Uh, a little bit.

It's a lot of pressure,
you know?

But that's what
I signed up for, right?

- Jim, the limo's here.
- Uh, you know what?

I gotta hop off
because my, uh,

taxi is here to take me
to the meeting.

- Oh, call me later.
- Okay.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

- I love you.
- Love you too. Bye.

[mouths words]

- How are you doing?

- Okay. I mean,
it's what you want, so--

- It's how it has to be.
- I know, I know.

It's just hard.

Me and Val were
going nowhere,

and if I'm gonna be
working in Philly,

I'm gonna need my freedom,

so I convinced Val
to break up with me.

Here's how you do it.

You say, "what are you gonna
do, break up with me?"

Like, as a joke.

And then you gain
a lot of weight.

I'll never be sorry,
not for a moment of it.

- Me neither.
Come here.

- Hey, Meredith, I need
your supply requests today.

- Jeez H. In the morning,

will you stop your nagging
already?

No wonder Jim left you.

- He didn't leave me.
He just went part-time.

Can you just fill out
the form, please?

- Yes.
[scratching]

- I'm sure
she's just confused.

People scratch their heads
when they're confused.

Not always like an ape,
the way Meredith just did,

but it happens.

- Hurry up already.

- Trust me,
I know what I'm doing.

Between the foster homes
and the orphanage,

I had lice 22 times.

[gasps]

Set a foster home record--
fewest lice infestations.

Holy wow, that's a big one.

All right, pencils down,
everyone--we've got lice.

- [groans]

- Oh, God, Meredith!
Lice?

Did you not sign
a pledge to shower?

- What? Lice?

Oh, my God.

Lock the doors.
We're on full quarantine.

- Dwight, relax.
It's just lice.

Maybe, possibly.

- Just lice, Pam?

Of all of the vermin
in God's great green kingdom,

lice are the ones
I detest the most.

My first day of school,
I had lice,

and no one would play
with me.

For 15 years,
they called me "freak"

and "four eyes" and "sci-fi
nerd" and "girl puncher,"

all because I had lice
when I was seven.

Make way.
- Dwight!

- No.
Inspect me.

- Oh, this is the cleanest
scalp I've ever seen.

You are all clear.
- I should be.

I use lice shampoo
every morning.

[sprays]

- Hey!
- Oh!

- Stop that!
- Dwight!

- [coughs]
- Next.

- My cousin Mose had lice
from age 5 to age 12.

It siphoned the smart
right out of his brain.

He used to be able to take
apart and put together

a sewing machine
in three minutes.

Now all he can do is take it
apart with a hammer,

and it takes
him all winter.

Lice!

- Jeez, Meredith, you know,
this is an office.

It's not one
of your bean-bag orgies.

- Uh, let's give her
a break.

We don't know for sure
this is Meredith's fault.

- Pam, really?
Come on.

- Hey, what do you want?
I know who I am.

Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer
to the opera to meet the queen.

- Lice.
- [gasps]

- More lice.
- [groans]

- Angela has lice.
- Ew! Oh! [groans]

- Ooh, yabber. Lice.

- Yeah, I have sweet blood
from my diabetes.

Ticks, lice--they all want
a piece of Stanley.

- Yikers. Lice.

- No. How?
I am so clean.

- Oh, yeah. Big-time lice.
- Aah!

I wash my hands at least
six times a day.

Toilet seat covers?

Yes, thank you,
even when I pee.

Apparently, none of that
is protection enough,

not when it comes
to Meredith.

[subdued chatter]

- Ooh.
- Oh.

- Hey,
what are you wearing?

- It's a hazmat suit.

That stands for hazardous
materials men's suit wearing.

If you rent
more than four times a year,

it just makes sense to buy.

Is there anyone else here
that is lice-free?

Excellent. You have
your own hazmat suits?

- No.
- No.

- Ugh. Renters.

Okay, I'm gonna need you
to gather your belongings,

retreat
to the warehouse.

Conduct
your business there

until the infected
have been de-loused.

Let's get going.

I'm gonna stay here
and fight.

If you don't hear from me
by lunch, call me.

I might want lunch.

- All right. We're going
down to my warehouse.

That means we're playing
by my rules.

No messing
with the baler,

and be cool
in front of me and Val.

We just broke up.
- [gasps]

- You got dumped?

- Yeah, she ended things.
- Break-ups are the worst.

The only thing
that got me through mine

was large amounts
of shepherd's pie and brandy.

The singer,
not the drink.

- Yeah, when me
and Stacy broke up,

I was so depressed,
all I could do was sit around

and eat Double Stuf Oreos
for weeks.

It was... the best.

Here, man.

You need them
more than me.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

- Turns out, you get mad
sympathy when people think

you all sad about
a girl dumping you.

It's like when I used to
pretend to be sick

when I was a kid,
except these people don't

see through me
like my mama did.

She would whoop my ass.

- Guys, I think we should
all ease up on Meredith.

This has got to be hard
for her.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I have not yet
begun to shame.

- That's it.
I'm getting my stuff.

I'm leaving for the day.

- No, Stanley,
if you leave now,

then you'll get it
in your car,

and then you'll get it
in your house!

- Get off me.

- I'm trying to save you
from yourself!

- All right, I'll stay!

There's a pencil
poking in my rolls.

- Maybe it was Meredith.

Maybe she brought in lice
that are totally different

than the lice that I got
from Cece.

So let's not jump
to the simplest conclusion

that she got her lice
from me.

That is how wars
get started.

Fine, I'll tell her
it was me.

- Oh, man.
That's fresh-squeezed.

And are all the snacks
complimentary?

- Yeah, take some home
if you want.

- Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay. I...

Um, I'm sorry.
Is this the conference center?

- No.
Mr. Erving called.

Said he's rather meet you
at his private court.

- You gotta be kidding me.

[electric razor buzzing]

- Hey, Meredith, I need
to tell you something.

- Yeah, Pam?
What do you want?

- Oh, my God.
Meredith, what are you doing?

- Bakin' a cake. What does it
look like I'm doing?

Getting rid of the lice.
- Oh, stop! I'm so sorry!

[microwave oven beeps]
- Oh, can you hold that thought?

That's my wax.

You know, I think these critters
migrated from down south.

What were you saying?

- Nothing.

I'm going to tell her,

but now is clearly
not the time.

I will buy her a wig,
we'll have a few laughs.

There's a right way
to do this.

- Scalp leeches,
skull vampires,

follicle gypsies,
hair lawyers.

One thing is clear--
it's kill or be killed!

- No, no, no. It's more
of a nuisance, really.

It's not that big a deal.

So I've collected
your hats and your coats...

- To be burned!
- To be washed.

- What do we do
about our heads?

- I'm not gonna lie.
Lye!

- No.
All we need is mayonnaise.

- Excuse me?
- She's right. It works.

I would imagine.

- Yes. It helps to suffocate
the little buddies,

and it's
a really healthy alternative

to the chemicals found
in most lice shampoos.

- I can appreciate that.

I also only eat
local organic produce.

- Sha-boom!
How do you like me now?

- Oh!
- Wow!

- Take a picture.
It'll last longer.

- We don't want it
to last longer. It's horrible.

- Bald people make me sick.
- Yeah, yeah.

Everybody pile on Meredith.

But I'm the only one
with the balls

to show them lice
who's boss.

- Okay, nobody panic.

If everybody just follows
my instructions,

then nobody else
needs to end up bald.

Not that it looks bad,
Meredith.

It looks--
it looks awesome.

You look like a baby
who suddenly aged 50 years.

A cute baby, but something
sucked the life force out of it.

I'm so sorry.
We need mayonnaise.

We need it now.
- Oh, uh, uh, I'll go.

- Okay.
- Oh, thank you.

- You're a saint, Pam.

- No, it's not a big deal,
please, no.

Uh, Meredith, could I get you
something special

while I'm at the store?

Candy or--or one
of those stylish turbans?

- Thanks, Pam.

I'll take a pack
of Nicorette gum

and a pack of Kools.

- Okay. Oh, are you trying
to quit smoking?

- Quit, start,
who knows anymore?

- Okay.

- Let's talk pubes, people.

- Hey, Darryl.
- Oh, hey, Val.

- Darryl.
Oh, that was tragic.

Oh, that was like a car crash.
I couldn't look away.

You two still clearly have
feelings for each other.

- Yeah.

- What's gonna make you
feel better, big guy?

- When I was a kid,

my grandmother used to
make me chocolate cake

when I wasn't feeling good.

She's not around to do that
anymore.

I'm sorry.

I just need a moment to myself,
just to clear my head.

- Oh, poor Darryl.

I can't bear to see him
suffer like this.

- I think he needs
some hugs

and maybe
some chocolate cake.

- Mmm. This won't help him.
It's a muffin, not cake.

- Listen,
let's try and get Darryl

the one thing
in the world

he clearly wants
and needs the most.

- An Escalade.
- Or what's her name.

- Val.

- Let's get Darryl Val.

- I hope you don't mind me
bringing you out here.

I can't get my knees
under a desk.

- Are you kidding me?

I could literally
scalp tickets to this.

- Well, you think you could
sink one from deep?

- Listen, I don't mean
to intimidate you,

but I did play
a little high school ball.

- Okay.

Wow. Halpert's got game.
All right.

[cell phone rings]
- Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry.

This is my wife.
Can I take this?

- If it's your wife,
you better take it.

- Right?
[laughs]

Hey, what's up?
Everything okay?

- Oh, no.
Everything's great.

Um, I was just calling to see,
uh, how the meeting went.

- Oh, it's still happening
right now, actually, so--

- He's, uh, really making you
work for it, huh?

- Yes, it is very stressful.
Are you sure everything's okay?

- Great.
I am killing it over here.

[splat]

Jim, I gotta go.
- Okay, bye.

So sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem.

Hey, Jim, what size
do you wear, man?

I got a pair of Japanese Nikes
with your name on 'em.

What do you think?
- I love it.

- Once it's all over
your head,

just leave it there
for four hours.

That will be enough time
for the lice to fall asleep,

suffocate,
and then pass away.

- Oh, sure.

And when you're ready
to get serious,

come to me
to get it done right.

- Put those away
before you hurt yourself.

[fabric rips]

- [gasps]
- Oh, God. Oh, no.

No. No!

No! No! No!

No! No!

- Okay, it's easier
with a buddy,

so everybody pair up.

- Oscar, you want to be
my partner?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I'd love to.

- Hey, uh, mayo buddy,
$5 tip,

you unclog my ears, okay?

- Oh, Creed,
I'm so sorry.

I'm--I'm already partners
with Pete. Right, Pete?

- Uh, yeah.

We promised each other
if we ever got lice,

we'd buddy up,
so, sorry, man.

- Hey, Creed.
Want to be my buddy?

- Oh, God.
Stuck with the weirdo.

- [sighs]

[hard slaps]

- Angela.

- You don't want bugs,
you know?

Who knows where those bugs
will end up.

- You're getting a bargain.
I ain't got no hair no more.

- [sighs]

- Creed, I'm all done.
My turn.

- I'm sorry, Pam.
It looks a little messy.

- Well, wait.

I didn't love it either,
but come on.

This is a partnership.

- Oh, sure.
I have a 1/4 inch of hair

and you're a musk ox.
Not fair.

- How's that?
- I feel it working.

[both grunt]

- Ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk.

- Eiffel tower.
- Oh! [laughs]

- Mayonecronism is a serious
problem in our society.

- Mm.

As is facial posteriitis,

known on the street as
butt-head syndrome.

If you find someone you know
and love with this condition,

please get help.
- Quickly,

before someone
spanks your face.

- Now.

- Can I help you?

- Well--
- Um--

- We don't want to pry,

but we heard you broke up
with Darryl.

- Yeah, that's true.

- We think you made
a big, big mistake.

- Big mistake.
- Quite enormous.

- He's a real catch,
and you should take him back.

- Okay. Thank you.
Is that all?

- No.
No, that is not all.

Let me tell you
what real life is like.

The men dry up,
and the nights get lonely.

The only calls
on your machine

are from collection agencies

about that pair
of motorcycle boots

you've never even worn.

You stalk your old
high school boyfriend online,

go to his daughter's
soccer games, and make a scene.

You buy a diamond ring
for yourself,

wear it
on your right hand,

and tell yourself
you're all you need.

One day,
you're alone, tired.

At your feet,
a dying bird.

But where
did it come from?

Why did you kill it?

It is because,
in some strange way,

it is you?

- Thank you all
for your concern,

but I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave, okay?

- Pfft! Well.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- So does this mean
you're gonna take Darryl back?

- No.

- Well, then,
what would you say

to you and me
hitting the town?

'cause I'm free,
literally, forever.

- Yeah,
Kevin asked me out.

I was kind of feeling good about
re-entering the dating pool,

and then Kevin
asked me out.

Thought I might trade up
to a new level of man.

Then Kevin asked me out.

[phone rings]

[mayonnaise splats]

- Hello?
- Hi, honey, it's Mom.

Look, Cece's school
just called.

She still has lice.

- What? No, that can't--
I don't--

- Now, don't worry,
don't worry.

I'm on my way
to pick her up,

but you might
have lice too.

You know,
lice can be tricky.

Sometimes lice, like...
[phone clatters]

- Oh, my God.
- Shave her head.

Shave her head!

[overlapping arguing]

- You guys,
I am so sorry!

It's just been so chaotic
with Jim gone that I--

- Yeah, yeah,
princess fancy-pants

letting jane 12-pack over here
take the fall!

- [amplified]
She's right, Pam.

- Is there a volume knob
on that thing?

- Yes, there's a volume knob
on that thing!

- Meredith,
I am so sorry.

- Well, a lot of good your
sorrys are doing her now, Pam.

She's a monster.

- I meant to say something
earlier. I just--

- Just? Just what?
Just forgot?

Who's the one that didn't
bring lice into the office?

Meredith.

Sure, I gave everybody
pink-eye once,

and my ex keyed
a few of their cars.

And, yeah, I BMed
in the shredder on New Year's,

but I didn't bring
the lice in.

That was all Pam.

- [amplified] Attention,
people of the office,

you have exactly 60 seconds
to evacuate the bullpen.

At that time,
I will be tossing

this powerful
insecticidal grenade,

which contains
piperonyl butoxide as well as--

[all gasp]

- Dwight, are you okay?

- [coughs]

Whoa.

Hypertoxide has
a mild hallucinogenic effect,

but I don't think
it's kicked in yet.

I'm gonna count down
from ten.

Nine, yellow,

cold, sad,

purple.
[all gasp]

- Wow.
He got to purple.

- Ow!

- Sorry.

- [chokes and sputters]
You're waterboarding me!

- Oops.

- No, this is fine.
We're allowed to do this.

This is okay.

- Okay, you're up.

- Yeah, I'm actually kind of
sad to see this baby go.

- You do kind of
look like Elvis,

but we should probably wash
all the dead lice out.

- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.

Is that too cold?

- No. Actually,
it feels kind of nice.

[machine whirring,
plastic wrap bubbles popping]

- I wonder what happened
over there.

I've been sitting here
the whole time.

[machine continues whirring]

- I gotta warn you, most of my
experience is in washing dogs.

So no Vidal Sassoon here.
- [laughs] Just go.

- Okay. All right.
I'm going.

- Okay.
- Huh?

- Let's give it a shot.
Let's make it work.

- Oh, no.
I mean, I want to.

I just--I don't want
to force you into doing

something
you don't want to do.

- You're not.
I believe in us.

- But--

I'm back together
with Val.

Yay.

- [humming]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I feel like that little
baby--uh, what's his name?

He shoots you with the arrows.

- Stewie.

- I think Darryl owes a group
of particularly

astute upstairs-ers
a heartfelt apology.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- "Don't mess with the baler
and be cool around Val."

[laughter]

- I did mess up the baler.

- No, no.

It's probably on
its last legs anyway.

- Yeah.

Probably.

- Oh.

- Oh, look who it is.

Typhoid Mary.

- Angela--
- Don't, Pam.

You brought lice
into the office.

Who's to say
what else you have?

Disgusting.

- Had a pretty good day
today.

[coughs]

Not everything went exactly
according to plan,

but, lice,
if you are watching,

I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.

- Hey,
Erin already take off?

- I guess so.

- Okay.

- You're Kareem,
coming to help.

- Okay, I'm Kareem.
That makes total sense.

I'm Kareem.
You're Dr. J.

Just sounds weird
to say out loud.

- And it went like this.

[cell phone rings]

- And that's all.
- That's it.

- No one will believe this
back home, but that's okay.

[phone ringing]
Let me show you how it's done.

- Yeah, you show me
how to do it.

- This is Jim Halpert.
Leave a message.

[beep]

- Hey, honey, it's me.

Just trying to catch you
before going home.

Um, oh, well,
just give me a call whenever.

Hope your day got better.
Love you.

- Hey, what you doing
right now?

- Oh,
I'm just gonna go home.

My mom's been watching
the kids all day.

- Let her stay another hour.
Let's go get a beer.

- Really? A beer sounds
incredible right now.

- No duh. Let's go.
You're buying.

[laughs]

- Meredith, I am so sorry
about today.

- Forget about it.

- I just did not realize
how hard it was gonna be

without Jim.

I mean,
I really respect you

for being a single mom
all these years.

It whipped my ass
in half a week.

- Here's a tip--
screw around all you want,

but don't bring a guy
into your child's home.

n a pinch, use the garage
or do him on the porch.

- Of course, I would
never screw around.

- Hey, I don't judge.

I mean, life is to be enjoyed.

Have a Crisco party.
Get it on with a priest.

- I would not do that.

- But it's about the kids.

That's sacred.

You know what I'm
talking about?

- I get the gist.

- Dress up like a jockey and do
the Penn State lacrosse team.

I don't care.

But the kids come first.

- [burps]

[laughter]

- Meredith, I have to say,
there are not a lot of people

who could pull off a shaved
head, but you're rocking it.

- Right?

I got the bartender's
phone number

when you were
in the john.

I'm gonna take that freak
to bone town

before the night is over.
[laughs]

- Get it, girl!

["Girls Just Want to Have
Fun" playing]

- This one's
for all you ladies out there.

? ?

- ? I come-- ?
- Not yet.

? ?

both: ? I come home
in the middle of the night ?

? My mother says, when you
gonna live your life right? ?

? Oh, mother dear,
we're not the fortunate ones ?

? And girls,
they want to have fun ?

? Oh, girls just
want to have fun ?

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