All language subtitles for The Office Superfan s09e08 The Target.eng

- Do want to thank you all
for donating

to this year's Thanksgiving
canned food drive.

[applause]

- It's tough to be hungry
during the holidays.

That's why it's so great
to see you all step up

so generously to bring in
this wonderful feast.

[sparse applause]

For instance, Phyllis,
it must have been

very difficult for you
to part with this dented can

of water chestnuts.

- Well, they're good
in stir-fries.

- Is botulism good
in stir-fries?

- Meredith also brought in
damaged water chestnuts.

- Well, they gotta be
good enough for a shelter.

I got 'em from a shelter.

- Creed, you brought in
this can of garbanzo beans

from 1990.

- 1990 was a hell
of a year for beans.

- Hmm.

- It's a can of racquetballs.

I don't even know what this is.

- Oh, Darryl, it's brown.

- Okay, what is it?

- What do you mean?
It's brown.

I eat brown every week.

Hot brown, iced brown,
cream of brown,

pasta with brown sauce,
apple brown,

scramble brown, fried brown.

It's brain food.

- Poor people are not dumpsters
for your garbage.

- Well,
they should be grateful.

This is good food.

- Which is why we are
not going home early today

and gonna hang out
and have a little

Thanksgiving feast
of our own...

- Yes.

- With this canned food.

- You son of a bitch.

- Don't.

Kevin, you're
getting it everywhere.

- [gags]

- Not even beans.
- Oh.

- I think the point was made,

and now we're
just wasting food,

but when Toby gets going,
there's just no stopping him.

- Happy Thanksgiving,
and remember,

you did this to yourselves.

- Mm.

- Yes, I'll have it right here.

- Thank you.
Thank you.

- Okay.

- This one?

- I think everybody learned
a valuable lesson,

and if I had
a Thanksgiving meal

with other people
for the first time in years,

good for me, you know?

[cheerful music]

? ?

- Yesterday, Angela may
or may not have figured out

that I'm having an affair
with her husband.

So I just have to wait and see.

When she comes in,
if she's cold

and awkward and cruel to me,

then great,
it's business as usual.

Good morning.
[clears throat]

- Oscar...

[sighs]

Can I ask you a question?

- [whispering]
Of course, ask me a que--

questions.

- Is it cool in here
to you?

- [hoarsely]
Yes, a little bit.

[normal voice]
Yes.

- I think the thermostat
is acting up again.

- It's the stupid thermostat!
That thing's a catastrophe.

So I'm gonna, um,
on your suggestion,

get someone to fix it.
I'll just go downstairs.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you, Angela.

She doesn't know.

I shouldn't be surprised.

This is a woman
who married a man

who is obviously a homosexual.

Basically, she has her head
in the sand.

In a way, I feel sorry for her.

I guess the universe
rewards true love.

- Well, well, well,
it's finally happened--

Pam has ceased caring.

- Welcome to the club, Pam.

- These are
my painting clothes.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I am really gonna
start painting

the warehouse mural today.
- [applauds]

- Sure you don't want
to put another coat

of primer on that, Pam?

Queen of the primer,
that one.

- You got this, Beesly.

Actually, do you want me
to come down

and help you get started?

- Are you avoiding
your phone call?

- What? No.
Yeah, right.

As if.

Today, I will be
asking David Wallace

if I can start working
part-time,

because the sports marketing
company that I started

really needs me to be there.

- Last week, Jim wasn't there,

and they named
the company Athlead.

- I could have prevented that.

So I have to talk to Wallace.

- Tell them your opening line.
- [sighs]

Hey, David, how would you like
a guy who's not here as much,

gets paid the same amount
of salary,

and has bigger fish to fry
in Philadelphia?

- I think it's good.
He likes fishing.

- This is gonna be awful.

- One of my jobs is to input
customer complaints

into the computer.

And when they're in,
I fill out one of these cards.

But the information's
already on the computer, so...

why am I filling out
the card?

I asked Andy, and he told me
to "chillax,"

and then went away
on a big long boat ride.

So here we are.

Don't give me
a pointless office chore,

because I will build
a little paper house.

Fight the power.

[vending machine humming]

- Meet me in the old place,
five minutes.

I need you.

Ugh.

- Come on in,
the water's fine.

- Dwight, it's not
that kind of meeting.

Put your clothes back on.

- I know.

That's not why
I'm naked.

I always work out
without my clothes.

- Just put them on!
Put on your clothes.

I need your help.

I need someone who can operate
outside of the law.

Ugh.
- Oh, I'm sorry,

your vigilante privileges ended
when you broke up with me.

If I'm not in your panties,
I don't go vigilantes.

Why don't you ask
your husband?

- My marriage is in danger.

I don't know
who I can trust.

I need someone
to be there for me.

- [sighs]
All right, what are we talking?

Surveillance, wire-tapping?
- Something like that.

- Yeah, the less I know,
the better.

I know just the guy.

He was a volunteer sheriff too.
Kicked off the force.

- Can you arrange a meeting?
- I can try.

I'm gonna use SMS text.
- Okay.

Text went through.
- Okay.

- All we can do is
sit and wait.

- Okay.
[phone vibrates]

- Oh.
Look at that.

Yeah, he's free anytime.
Not a problem.

- I mean, I can handle
any client issues from Philly.

- Yeah, but I really need
someone in the office.

If there's a crisis--
the more I think about it--

- Oh, you mean handle it
in-person.

Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley
have agreed to cover for me

while I'm gone.
- They did?

- Yep.

- Oh, okay.
Well, that is different.

In that case, yes,
maybe this can work.

- Oh, great.

- Why should we help you?

- Because we're friends.

- When is my birthday?

- Unfair.
When's my birthday?

- I don't know,
because we're not friends.

- How about this--

you let me
take you to lunch,

and I make my case?

- Now we're talkin'.
- All right.

- I've always wanted to go
to Carl Von Luger's

- What's that?
- Carl Von Luger's, 10:00.

- You want to go to lunch
at 10:00 a.m.?

- Man, you don't know
what time I had my breakfast.

- All right.

- Let's leave now so Jim
has time to go to the ATM.

- No, that's okay.
I have cash.

- You're gonna want
to go to the ATM.

- Mm-hmm.

- Come on.

- Make it go taller.

- That's the idea.

- No, not taller this way,
taller this way.

- Well, I've gotta build
a wider base first

before I can go higher.

- You're not getting this,
Peter.

Make it go wider... up.

- Will do.

- What are y'all doing?

- Me and Pete
are building a tower.

- Cool. It should be taller,
though, right?

- Obviously.

He's a sweet kid, Darryl,

but he's not the sharpest guy
in the drawer.

- Kevin, I can hear you.

- Huh?

- Ow! Dwight! Ow!

- Get in the van.
- God!

- Is it safe to talk?

- Well, this documentary crew
has been following

our every move
for the past nine years,

but I don't see them
so I think we're good.

- So what are
your credentials?

- I started following people
around to get exercise.

Turns out I'm damn good at it.

- Yeah, so Trevor is

a self-professed
private investigator,

plus he's a master of
obscure martial arts forms.

- Ever heard of kampfringen?
- No.

- It's a medieval form
of wrestling.

Very few people
have heard of it.

- And that's
an advantage for me...

- Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause you can't win
if you don't know the rules.

- And kampfringen has
an incredible number of rules.

- It's basically all rules.

- Kampfringen!
Kampfringen!

- Kampfringen.
Kampfringen.

- Oh, violation.
No, thumb grab.

Come on.
- Okay, so you get two--

you have two fringens.
- Okay.

- What happens
if you get caught?

- Pfft, don't worry about me,
little girl.

- I'm not.
I'm worried about me.

What's that mean?

- Slip through their fingers.
- Huh?

- He slips through
their fingers.

- I heard him, Dwight,
but it doesn't make any sense.

- Watch this.
What?

I need to grab him.
Ah!

How does he do that?
- I remain ungraspable.

- Whoa!
Whoa!

You try it.
- Like a ghost.

- Okay, all right, fine.
- Kampfringen.

- It's kampfringen.
- That's kampfringen.

Strike through the fingernails.
- Fine, fine.

Do you have a gun?
- [snickers]

- Does he own a gun?
Show her.

- You tell me.

- What is this?

It's the receipt
for my gun.

- You don't carry it
with you?

- Read the receipt.

That's a $300 gun.
Someone could steal it.

- Do you have any idea
how many guns

Trevor's had stolen from him?

- Now I keep it in a safe.

- Mm-hmm. Good safe?
- Oh, you tell me.

- Wow!

- I guess if I make a mistake,

I can just paint over it
with a shrub or something.

It's just I think less
of paintings

with a lot of shrubs.

So I'm gonna limit myself
to one shrub.

- You paint wall now?

- Yeah.
Painting now.

I just want
to make sure that...

- You paint now.

- It's probably gonna be
a few minutes.

So you can just go back to
doing whatever you were doing.

- I wait.

- Pam, you gotta come see what
Pete is doing in the annex.

He's building this house
of cards out of all--

- I'm kind of busy right now.

- Oh, I see
what you're going for.

Graph paper.
- Oh, no.

This is just the primer
with a grid.

- Oh, good, I was actually
a little worried 'cause

you're supposed to be
this incredible artist.

- It's a lot of pressure.

People work in this
warehouse every day,

and I don't want them
to look up and say,

boy, that Pat
really screwed up this one.

A lot of the people
who work in the warehouse

think my name is Pat.

- So many things
more scary than painting--

Japanese government,
Chinese Navy.

What is Pat afraid of?
Pat afraid of Pat.

- Mmm...
- Mmm...

- Sweet.
- Yay!

[applause]

- This next card comes to us
thanks to Meredith Palmer,

who called Eastern
Pennsylvania Seminary

a, quote,
"sausage factory."

- Oh-ooooh!
[approving cheers]

Boom!
- Bang!

- Yep, yep, yep.
- All right.

Up next we got
a whole lotta Creed.

- Let's find out what I did.
- All right.

- Pete is really good
at stacking things.

I mean, I am pretty good
at stacking things.

I enjoy stacking things,
but Pete,

boy can stack things.

- You get half now,
and you get half

upon completion
of said job.

- And that's all off the books?
- Obviously.

- Nice.
No taxes.

- Okay, so everything you need
to know about the target

is in here.

- Is this licked closed,

or am I gonna be able
to reuse this SOB?

Never mind, I'll get
to that on my own time.

So what's the job?

- Murder.

- Okay, that's the big one.
That's the big "M."

- You can't have someone
murdered.

- What if they deserved it?

- What did they do to you,
Angela?

- They're sleeping
with my husband.

- Oh, monkey.
Oh, I feel for you.

- This seems a little crazy.
- Yes. Crazy.

- Thank you.
- But I think I'm up for it.

- No! No!
- Thank you.

- Absolutely not.

There are a lot of different
ways to get revenge.

I've had great success
by defecating

in a paper bag,
put it on the porch--

- That's very effective.

I've been on the receiving end
of that quite a few times.

It's devastating.
- No, no, no.

It has to be physical.
I want this person to suffer.

- What about a knee-capping?

- No! You're not helping,
Trevor!

- Yes, a knee-capping
could work.

- No. Angela!
What are you saying?

- You said you would
be there for me.

- I'm trying,
but what you're asking is--

- It's the only thing
that will make this right.

- Okay.

But it's cruel, because a woman
with damaged knees

can't scrub worth a damn.

- All right,
then it's settled.

One knee-capping.

Now, the hit goes down
at 4:00.

Keep in mind, once I leave,
there's no turning back.

Call me email.
Once you hit send...

you can't unsend.
- You can with Outlook.

- Oh, my God, really?
That's--

- Yes.

- That would've saved me
a lot of trouble

throughout life.

- Ooh, they have valet.

- There's a ton of empty spots
right here.

- I prefer the valet.
- Yeah, valet's better.

- There's literally
an open spot right--

- Use the valet, son.
- Okay.

Here we go.

You know, truth be told,

I think all
you'll really be doing is

accepting calls from my clients
while I'm gone.

- It's never that simple.

- We've got all afternoon
to talk about that.

- Morning, folks.
- I'll have the surf and turf

with a side order of lobster.

- Actually, the surf and turf
does come with lob--

- Not enough lobster.
Side order.

- How much wine do you have?

Oh, I'll start with
something French, yeah.

- Okay.
- Tip the man, Jim.

- I'm sorry?
- Tip the man, Jim.

- [chuckles]
- All right.

I hope this is as new for you
as it is for me.

There you go.
- Thank you, sir.

Anything for you?
- I will stick with water.

- I'll keep it coming.
- Tap please. Thank you.

- I brought you a cookie.

- Oh, thanks, Oscar.
You're such an angel.

- I just gave her a cookie,
and she called me an angel,

so... yeah, we're good. Yeah.
[exhales]

We dodged a bullet, yes.
Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah--
well, I gotta go now, but--

okay, bye. Bye.

- There we go.
[cheers and applause]

- Nicely done.
Very nicely done.

- Nice.

- All right, this next one
goes to Darryl

for pocket dialing a customer
while having sex.

- Ooohh... you salty dog.

- Well, you know,
what can I say?

A player's gotta play.
- There you go.

- Actually, that was the sound
of me eating spaghetti.

But I'ma let them think
the other thing.

- Okay, I got this one.
- Oh, be careful.

Be careful, be careful.
- No, I got it.

Easy does it, everyone.

Nobody even take a breath.
- Kevin, don't--

[overlapping shouts]

- Kevin!

[overlapping chatter]
- What did I say?

What did I just say?

- Hey, hey, hey,
it's just a mistake.

Just a mistake.

That's what this tower's
all about--

mistakes.

Okay, if you're afraid
of screwing up,

the tower's not for you.

Show of hands--who here
has never had a complaint?

That's right.
Nobody.

See that?
Nobody. Okay?

Let's get back to work, huh?

Come on, you in?

Yeah. There we go.
All right, let's do it.

- You know,
at the end of the day,

it's really only two days, remember.

I mean, I'll be back
in the office.

If you need me for
an emergency, call me.

I'll be there--
- You know what?

I don't know where
the years went.

'Cause sometimes
when I look at my hands,

I don't even recognize them.

- Tell me about it.
- Whose hands are these?

They're not my hands.
I don't know.

- All right.
You know what?

Maybe we'll just--
- Uhh--

- We'll go slow.
- No. Jim...

[bottle clangs]

[sobs]
- Or you can--

- Maybe I shouldn't have
given up the baby.

You know?
I was just so driven.

I was gonna be a world-famous
jewelry designer.

Pfft, that whole industry.

- Mm, is that for me?
- Uh, no, sir.

Sorry, it's not.
- Jim.

- What?
[sighs]

Thank you.
- Oh, sorry.

Can't really do that.

- Also Mondays are a slow day,

so I don't think that's gonna
be too stressful.

- Do you think
I would've been a good mom?

- I think you would've been
a good mom.

- [sniffles]

- My jewelry is pretty.
Do you like it?

- I love it.

- All right,
check it out, huh?

[cheers and applause]

Like a phoenix
from the ashes. Ksshhhh!

- Nice.

- Pretty soon, we're gonna be
at the ceiling.

- Whoo!
- Can you hand me a card?

- Um, it's empty.

- What?
- Oh, come on.

We could use a blank card.

All: no!
- That's cheating.

- I could get us a complaint.

- You?
Little miss priss?

You wouldn't fart
on a butterfly.

- No, I wouldn't.

I can't even relate
to that impulse.

But I bet I could get us
a customer complaint.

No, I have never gotten
a customer complaint,

but that doesn't mean
I'm afraid to take risks.

I'm the one who told Jim
we should try wakeboarding.

Then I researched it.
It's crazy dangerous.

So get the facts.

I'd like to try.

- Hmm. Yeah.
- All right.

- Yeah, go, Pam! Pam...

[all chanting "Pam"]

- Uh, Kev, Kev, hey, Kev.
Let's uh...

- What? Why did you
call me out here?

- The target--
it's Oscar, isn't it?

He and the senator
are gaying each other.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Your nostrils tell
a different story.

They flare like that every time
you're engaging in deception.

Hello again,
naughty nostrils.

- Fine! It's Oscar.
So what?

- Well, I could understand
you wanting

to get a stranger's
knees whacked.

But a co-worker--
dare I say a friend?

- Exactly, a friend.

Someone who sits next to you
year after year,

making chitchat and smiling,

and all the while
running behind your back

and defiling your marriage
and seducing your husband.

- I can't even imagine how
painful this must be for you.

But the first ones
to break your marriage vows

were you and me.

- Well, you might be right,
but it's too late now.

- What do you mean?
- He's here.

- No! No, no!
[groans]

- Oscar?

Oscar. Oscar. Good.
Listen.

Hey, come with me.
- What?

- Come--come with me.
- What are you doing?

- There are a bunch
of construction workers

in the warehouse
without their trousers...

- I'm working!
- Drinking diet sodas.

You have got to see this.
They're extraordinary.

- Yahtzee.

- Sandwich delivery
for Mr. Oscar Martinez.

- I am Oscar Martinez.

- No, not him, not him.
Outside.

Outside.

- Wha-wh--

- You know, there's donuts
in the break room.

- Nice!
- Yeah.

- Listen,
I was really wondering

if maybe we could lock this
down before lunch is over.

- Don't be pushy, Jim.
It's tacky.

- All right.
Phyllis!

Phyllis, that's--
that's decorative.

- No, there's wine in here.

- Still decorative.
- Is it white wine?

- Get it.
- No.

Maybe stop with the--
- Hey, can you help me?

- Don't poke people
with knives.

- I don't know.
- It's not--

Phyllis, don't--
- It's from Portugal.

- Phyllis,
it's bolted for a reason.

- I can do it.
- I got a steak knife.

- That's...
- That's good. That's good.

- Insane, is what it is.

- [groans] Ha, ha!
- Phyllis!

Wow.

- Bring it over.
- Got it.

1978.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

- Let's see
if we can get it open.

- That doesn't look
like it's for sale.

Okay, all right.
Careful with the...

- Jim, get out of here.
- Fork.

Well, the fork is not gonna--
ow!

- You're not helping.
- Well, let's get some help.

Can we get some help?
Help! Help! Help!

- [grunts]
- Stanley, hold on.

- I got it.
Right here. Pull.

- There's no time to explain.

Okay, actually, there is
time to explain.

When Angela found out that
you seduced her husband,

we hired a guy
to break your kneecaps.

- Oh, my God!
What is wrong with you?

- What is wrong with you?

There are a million
gorgeous guys

in the Scranton
Wilkes-Barre area,

and you choose the man
who's the father of her child?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Oh, don't lie.
I'm trying to save

those precious knees
you're always bragging about.

Now, let's get out of here.
He could be right behind us.

Aah! Actually,
he's right in front of us.

- Let's get it on.
I'm gonna do this.

I might--I might puke,
but I'm gonna do this.

- No, Trevor,
I am not gonna let you.

He's a Dunder Mifflin man.
He's my tribe.

- I'm sorry, Dwight,
but for once in my stupid,

stupid life, I'm gonna
follow through on something,

all right?
I have masculinity issues--

- Stop! No!
- I got it.

- Disarm!
- You don't--

[all grunting]

- I summon--
I summon--

- Don't move.
- I summon you.

- And disarm now!

- Okay. Okay, okay...

- No, Oscar, no.
No, he's a friend.

He's a friend.

- I'll try some of this
and some of this,

ooh, and some of this.
Pay the man, Jim.

- All right, that's it.

I don't have
any more money, so...

- Well, you should go.
- Fight the man, Jim.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- Fight him.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.

[laughs]

- Okay, the client is
Heymont Brake and Tire.

They're family-owned, but don't
let that take away your edge!

- Come on, Pam,
I know you can fail.

I see failure in you.

- Remember,
you're a scumbag,

so you think scummy thoughts.
Like this.

- Hello,
this is Pam Halpert.

I'm calling
from Dunder Mifflin.

Yes, your paper provider.

And I just called to say...

your mama is so fat,
when she wears red,

people yell,
"hey, Kool-Aid."

Yeah, your mama's fat.
This is Pam Halpert.

- Did she buy it?
- Did they say anything?

- I don't know.
I couldn't tell. I don't--

- Were they angry?

- I--I felt like
they were confused, at least.

- Okay.
[phone rings]

- Dunder Mifflin.
This is Erin.

- Yes, you can. Okay.

I will make sure
that goes on file.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we just lost a client!

[all cheer]
- Nice. Nice.

- You did good. You did good.
- See ya later, Heymont.

- No.
- Oh. Oh...

- I guess I can
handle criticism,

from Hide, from people
whose mamas are fat,

from people whose mamas
are so small,

they could hang glide
on a Dorito,

anybody.

- If you chase me,
I will run so fast.

If you catch me,
I will bite so hard.

- Got it?
Goodbye, my friend.

- What the hell, Dwight?
- See you later, Trevor.

- You are incorrigible!

- I just saved your life.
You're welcome!

- You hired someone
to hit me with a pipe!

- You deserved
every bit of it!

You made my husband gay.

- What--what I did was wrong,

and I have to live with that
every day.

But your husband is gay,

and he was gay
when you married him!

- No. No.
- Angela, until you face that,

you're gonna be confused
and angry

for all the wrong reasons,
but if you want to blame me

for the whole thing, go ahead--
I won't stop you.

Hit me.
You have my blessing. Hit me.

- Well, are you gonna
let go of it?

Because part of the blame
is definitely on you.

- Angela,
it's a lead freaking pipe.

- God!
- Aah!

- You were supposed
to be my friend.

- I'm so sorry. Angela--
- Oscar.

- Tell you what,
I've had a lot of fun today,

and I didn't think
I'd be doing this,

but I'm ready to beg.
Here we go.

Will you please cover
my clients while I'm gone?

Great.

- Our crowning complaint card
comes to us

thanks to Pamela Halpert...

[cheers and applause]

For insulting a client's
recently deceased mother.

- Yes!
- I did not know that.

- Well, a woman who struggled
with obesity all her life.

- I'm so sorry.
- Wow.

- Yeah, that's--
that is terrible.

[cheers and applause]

- You did it.
- Yeah!

- I feel so stupid

I sit next to him
every day.

- You're not stupid.
Jazz is stupid.

- [sobs]
Jazz is stupid!

I mean,
just play the right notes!

- I know.

You're gonna be okay, monkey.

- I don't like
your friend Trevor.

- I don't like him either.

And yet,
I really like him.

- Where is everybody?

- I think Angela went down
to the warehouse.

- Ah, I'll look there then.

If I miss her,
do you mind telling Oscar

to tell her that
I stopped by for her.

- I can tell her myself.

- Of course,
that's even better.

- Well, we're here.

Perfect.

- We're gonna cover
for you, you know.

- [chuckles]

- Phyllis, what was that?

Phyllis,
are you dreaming, or--

- I did enjoy
grinding your beans, son.

- Yeah, we really did
peel your grapes.

- This is hilarious,
but we're gonna stop with all--

- Shuckin' your peas.
- Shuckin' the peas.

You should go back
to the first part, though.

You are gonna cover for me?

- Yeah.
- Of course we are, Jimmy.

We love you guys.

- Oh, my God, thank you.
Thank you.

- Hello, Pam.
- Senator.

- I thought you were
the office manager.

- No, I'm an artist.

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