Original subtitles

After a season of fiascos and feuds, the Jersey Housewives

are back to unleash even more secrets.

These sexy snowbirds trade in a wicked winter for some margaritas and mischief.

The ladies wrangle wild animals.

Oh, my God. And have wild times between the sheets.

Oh, my God. That's like a horse's penis.

Plus,

Teresa hears predictions that her future is already locked up. And then is it

going to end good? You may have to spend a little time apart.

All that and more on The Real Housewives of New Jersey Secrets Revealed, Part 2.

You never know how strong you are.

Until it's the only choice you have.

I've learned to forgive and never regret.

You're not seeing double.

Everyone loves us.

You're seeing trouble.

I'm a survivor.

What did you just say? No one is bringing me down.

I'm back to bring the zen.

Namaste, bitches.

Long before rumors and ruined friendship, Dina invited the ladies out

spiritual inspiration.

Good to see you. I'm so glad to see you girls.

So did you get all the information I sent out for everybody's birthdays?

The Astro Twins are famous astrologists. They are actually part of what I call

my tribe. And we just exchange our light with each other.

What is your intention for all the ladies today?

Teresa's, like, wide open. She's into it, and I love that. She's cool. She's

good. But Amber.

She's not so into it. Yeah, when I called her, she was like, yeah, I'll

a drink, but no on the astrology.

I'm, like, a little nervous all of a sudden.

You got your cross on, right? I have my cross. Actually, I have my whole

Catholic bag with me.

No, excuse me. It is never just for fun. When you're a Catholic, you don't do

that stuff.

I have a lot of reservations going to Dina's party. I've been a devout

for the last, like, five years, and I really believe that it got me through

breast cancer, and I am going to follow the rule book as much as I can.

So I will call you when I'm done. Love you.

Oh, hi, girls.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm Jolly. I'm Danica. Jolly. Nice to meet you.

I'm Jolly. So I'm like a perfect combination of the Astro Twins and the

Twins because I'm kind of zen and all into the stars and a little boho.

And I have fake tits. So you put us together and there you go.

Hey.

Jersey's here.

I'm her twin, Ophie. Hi.

Double action, man. Uh -oh.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Wow. How are you? Pretty girl.

Did I get the black leather memo?

Wow, look at you.

I am interested in astrology.

I'm an Aries, and I am a ram, and for some strong peep.

Ladies, can I have your attention?

These are my friends, the Astro Twins, and they're just the most amazing

astrologers ever, besides being my great friends.

Who wants to go first and sit with the girls and learn a little bit more about

where they... Me, me, me, me. We guessed. I want to go first. You want to

twins together?

We have the same chart. I gave them all your birthdays, so they're doing your

natal chart.

Oh, that's why the time. You needed the time. I was born in everything.

Wait, you didn't ask me my time. Well, because I'm not doing it, so never mind.

Why?

You don't do this?

It's not, you know, it doesn't go against our religion.

It doesn't? No. Well, I literally call the priest.

Don't worry about that. It's okay.

So you're Virgos. Yeah. As you know. Right.

Virgos are very loyal, but loyal in a way where it's like if you cross the

Virgo, uh -oh. You do not forgive. They will tell everybody in the world.

Sure. Yeah. Sure. And you have to be careful not to like just react.

so quickly. That's one of the things.

What was that? Can you say that one more time?

It's not reacting and acting. Roll your eyes. But I have to tell you, I do not

have any regrets about anything that I say.

This is a beautiful cleansing.

You know, all of us girls together.

But Amber obviously thought something totally different. She talks about being

hocus pocus. I think she's a little hocus pocus.

Let's go. You want me to hold your hand? Go.

Rosie, hold my hand.

Get up there. Let's go.

See?

It's not about belief or faith or anything like that, right? Okay, this is

about fun.

I have to get a confession after this.

Was there an Aries in your life that you had difficulty?

No, I don't know. I honestly don't follow.

So I wouldn't know if I had difficulty with Melissa.

I don't know if I totally understand her. I don't get her all the time. Well,

her sign is your past lifetime, so you're actually moving a little bit away

it. Is that Melissa?

That's Melissa.

You know why there's something funny? I always said, like, people would compare

us together, and I hated it. Part of what you're here to understand is how to

play well with others so that there's room for more than one star.

I'll work on that.

Right now, I see the Astro Twins, and I just, I see a beautiful aura around

them. They have a really good positive energy.

I am just absolutely amazed about how accurate they are.

How'd it go, Amber?

I'm okay.

Teresa, I guess you're next.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I'm excited.

Yay. You are a tourist with a Gemini rising, so you're very passionate

do. You know how to be taken care of as well as caretake for other people. But

in this lifetime, you're really here to learn how to be the provider.

Now your husband's a Gemini. Yes, he's a Gemini. Which is an interesting match.

Does he worry a lot? Is he anxious on the inside? Did you say something?

Well, Saturn is the planet of structure and discipline, and it's going into your

legal house, and it's like you're going to be able to, like, grow stronger from

it. It's just going to be like this very, it's like the beginning of 2015 is

when you're going to feel the most.

like, stress from it, but it's going to be something that you're going to be

able to... A year from now. A year from now.

Changing legal teams for Joe is the first priority.

Just make sure his legal team is doing the best possible job for him.

Oh, I got the chills out of my body.

I just got the chills out. In some way, you guys are going to go through a

challenge together.

That makes sense.

And that's going to set a foundation for you guys for when the relationship

meets that backbone, that extra backbone in 2015.

What does that mean, backbone? Well, you guys are going to be challenged as a

couple, and you're going to have to be stronger than ever.

Does that make sense? And then is it going to end good?

You may have to spend a little time apart.

or have to, like, downsize a bit next year. I honestly wish that all of this

would just go away from them, but I understand that they have to go through

process, and I feel for her.

I really do.

Whatever it takes to fix what happened, you're going to probably feel it next

year more.

Just prepare yourself to be strong next year.

by working hard and just... Yeah, no, I think I'm pretty strong.

Yeah, you're very strong.

You're very strong.

Well, I'm the ball, right? Right. Oh, you're strong. You're very strong.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

Sorry,

I just got a little... Oh, no, I'm okay.

Yeah, I'm okay.

It's never good to hear that you have challenges coming up, but whatever it

Joe and I, as long as we have each other, we'll get through them.

Do you want a drink? Yeah, I'll have a drink.

Don't focus on the negative. Focus on the positive and all the good things

because that's going to come about.

And she said you're very powerful with what you do.

And I always say what you think about, you bring about.

Coming up next.

Like that. Oh.

Wasn't that convenient?

Ratchet panties.

Um, I think it would irritate the penis.

Now that she's single and looking to mingle, the twins show Dina how to bring

out her sexy side.

It says, undress to impress.

Rina would like this place.

Well, hello there, trouble -making twins.

When I first walked in, I thought I was, like, in a hooker shop. I'm like, I

don't really wear lingerie. I mean, I don't know why you guys made me meet you

here.

Lingerie is always good.

Dina, the way she described it is that she's newly separated.

So Russ and I, we decided we're going to take the lingerie shopping to make her

feel a little sexy about herself and get on the move to start dating again.

So how do you feel when you start dating again? Are you going to wear like sexy

lingerie? If that's what you like. If that's what you like.

I'm all about placing the man. Whatever he wants, I'm open for it. I'll try

anything I want.

Oh, tickle me.

Oh, how cute.

This is totally pushing on my foot. Oh, I like it. What do you think about red?

So cute. Red. Nothing sexier than red.

And then red fishnets, right?

Hold on. This is so cozy. Look.

Are you guys looking for anything in particular that I can help you with? Do

think I'd be a medium in this? I'm a 32 deep. This is cute. This is nice and

cozy. Oh, look.

Look. It has a little, like, look. Oh.

Well, isn't that convenient?

It is convenient.

Would I wear crotchless panties?

Um, I think it would irritate the penis.

Don't you?

I think there's stuff for you girls over here.

I got here a little early and scoped out the situation for you.

Oh, my gosh.

I think, oh, my gosh.

How much to look at? I'm so overwhelmed.

Jimmy James.

Do you know what this is?

Oh, my gosh. That's like a horse's penis.

It was like these big piece of deals.

Like, they were huge. It was like the United Nations.

Like, you could go every color, every color.

I'm taking a picture, and I'm sending it to Bobby. Come on, this is so damn

funny. Don't put it near my mouth, please.

My mouth is so big, I don't know why it looks like it's in there.

Who needs a man after being in this store?

I do.

And with romance in the air, Teresa and Joe are off to celebrate a special night

out. Hi.

Oh, thank you. And how do we get up there?

Straight down here. You make a right at the end. Have a lovely day. Thank you.

That's all. Give me the cheapest room they had.

Huh?

Tonight's our anniversary, and it's really special how Joe thinks of the

things. That's what my mom would say. Like, he's such a sweetheart. I'm like,

is.

What?

I love this room.

They're going to give us the cat when we leave.

Oh, my God. I want to decorate our house like this.

There's a mirror?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, there's a mirror. That's kind of cool.

I knew what I was getting myself into when I married Joe. You know, we're

married 14 years, and I feel like we just got married.

He has a very healthy sex drive.

But that's a good thing, right?

Into a good night, honey.

Into a sexy night. Into many more nights like this.

Until we're about what?

A hundred.

Would you, you think once it doesn't get up anymore, I should get the pump?

Huh?

What happened to it? Deplaced?

You have to pump it over again?

And once I get the pump, it'll be just like that bottle, always up like that.

That's about my size, I think.

All right, then. All right, I have a surprise for you, okay?

Do you like surprises?

No, we like surprises. Okay.

Depends on.

Huh? Depends.

Depends on what?

Depends on the surprise.

Joe still gives me butterflies.

Let's see, what do I do?

His hair.

I love his hair.

I love his light green eyes.

And, like, when he hugs me, I feel really secure.

Do you have anything on?

Yes, we think I don't have anything on. Of course I do not.

Just get into bed.

I like a lot of things about him. Thank you.

I could shed a few pounds.

All right, baby.

Let's take this ass off. All right, let me see my surprise.

Do you like it?

It's like the other dress you had on.

This one just might show a little more ass.

Do you like it?

Very nice.

Was that my surprise? Mm -hmm.

Mine's right.

Did you never want lingerie? Did you like it to move up in two seconds?

No, it does though.

So do you like it? Very nice.

Huh? Very nice.

Love you.

While Teresa and Joe cuddle under the covers, Dina and Lexi start a journey

starts right under their noses.

A destination mother and daughter retreat. Now we're going to be bonded by

jobs.

If plastic surgery makes you feel better, then I'm all for it. So Lexi and

getting mother -daughter nose jobs.

Hi, Kath.

How are you? I hope you weren't waiting long.

No, not at all. How are you doing? I'm a little obsessed with Kathy's nose

because it's just like you can't even tell who it's operated on. As long as

don't get obsessed with it and you turn into like a living Barbie.

It's all good.

I love it here. I love this doctor. I've gone to four or five different doctors

and kept chickening out.

Oh. Yeah. See, I never thought I would want a nose job. I was always fine with

my face. But as I get older, my nose is changing.

Oh, it does change as you get older. Yeah.

And you know what I'm also afraid of? I don't want that pig thing going on.

Right. I don't mind that.

You want a pig nose?

She used to tape her nose up and she was like, this is what I want. I'm like,

you look like Miss Piggy. I really look the best. I do.

Lexi doesn't necessarily want a nose job. She kind of needs one. It is a

bit crooked if you look at it. I can't even breathe out of this nostril. Yeah,

that's how mine was too.

Well, you know how she broke it, right? They were playing ball and she was on

the back end of Christopher's baseball bat swing.

And then he came back and he hit me again.

She's beautiful, but it could be better. Why not?

I mean, you're Greek, right? Your dad's Greek and you're Italian. So, I mean, he

probably wouldn't need a nose job anyway. No, I'm kidding.

Hi. Okay.

Because I wanted to ask him to show my before and after pictures. I'll have him

pull them up. Yeah, for sure. So you can see the difference.

Hey, Kathy.

How are you? Good to see you. So you kind of want to talk a little bit, I

Well, I wanted to introduce you to them because Dina was asking me about my

nose, and she asked me who did it, and I wanted her to meet you. And hopefully

you have my picture that you showed us, the before and after picture. That would

be nice to see. Yeah. Well, let's see if we can pull them up here and take a

look.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. I should have put makeup on.

It's kind of scary.

It's a little embarrassing.

Everybody gets new noses. Mine gets so much coverage. It should be done for

free. I'll leave you guys to consult. Bye, honey.

Good to see you. Good luck. Come on over here. You can be more comfortable. Take

care. Bye -bye. Bye.

I would like to look like Angelina Jolie when I leave. Is that possible? Yeah,

of course.

See, when I do this, not the rest of my face, but, yeah, my nose gets, like,

little. I just want that back.

That's all.

We'll start with you. Come on over here. Look straight ahead in that mirror.

Now what you'll see over here is you'll start to see it kind of build your face

in three dimensions.

Do I look mean like that in real life?

I do. See, that's why everyone thinks I'm a bitch.

Yeah, it looks weird. Scary.

What we can see now is you can take this and you can turn it any way you want.

Oh, my God.

You look so freaky.

You literally look like a car. Oh, he's dead and mean.

We're just going to look at the middle part.

What you can do is just bring this down a hair and just barely.

It's subtle, but it's real. That's what I looked like when I was in my 20s.

All right. You're all set, too. I kind of look like a serial killer.

Yeah. Oh, my God. It's horrible.

I really like this doctor. I think he's got really nice energy. He's comforting.

It's all working out.

All right, well, thank you so much. No problem. I really appreciate it. So,

yeah, and if any time you want to review any of it, we save all that and we can

review any of that.

Did you ever do mother and daughter? Not mother and daughter, no, no.

Starting a trend, right? You should brand it. As long as it doesn't get our

boobs done any time soon, we don't need to be bonded by that.

Coming up next.

Listen, I've got a pig, my ex -wife, my wife, and four kids. I need my mother

-in -law and the IRS.

It's a perfect balance. Perfect!

Before their relationship went to the dog, the twins and Teresa hammed it up

a fancy pet shop.

All right, Tiki.

Mommy wants you to be a really good boy today, okay?

This way. We're going to go see your friend.

Come on.

We're going to go into furry liches, baby.

Yes, to get a pedicure. Maybe we could get a treat if you're a good boy.

My dog, all the spores would love.

We give them a lot of attention.

We treat them like our children.

Do you need a treat while we shop?

Oh, he would love a treat.

We're here for Manny and Petty.

And they're very excited.

Oh, my goodness.

Here's Bella.

I told you you were going to meet a new friend today. These two are yours?

Yeah, Shotzi and Tiki.

You're kissing me already.

Yes. I guess we should take off her coat. No, let's see her walk around.

little awkward.

I have to see the whole effect.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God, they're kissing.

How cute. This is fun.

This is a fun play date today. Oh, my God, look at them.

Sniffing. Wait, why do they do that?

They... He's sniffing her coolie. Oh my God, you're sniffing my Bella. Don't do

that, she's too young.

Wait, she's not fixed yet, so I don't want her to have a baby.

So you fix dogs by any chance? Because he needs them cut off. No, I don't have

the qualifications for that. I mean, he needs them cut off. He does, because

he's very hyper.

Sometimes the twins sound like yappy little dogs. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, this is a good thing. This is a good shot. I like them because twins

stick together, and they share their sisters, and I have four girls, and I

always tell my...

Daughters, they need to stick together.

I mean, to me, I wish I had a sister.

Teresa, you're lucky. She has long hair. You can do it faster.

There's a beautiful pink one down on the bottom.

Yeah, I'm going to get the pink one. And this is Shotzi.

Yeah, that's right.

And we want to do the podicure. Yeah.

Okay.

You are so special. Yes, you are. And you know you are. Oh, my God. You're

painting the nails.

I was doing the Italian nails. Oh, my God. How cute.

My little Italian girl.

This is the first time Shasi is ever getting a manicure. So I wanted to do

something with her, like, ethnic background.

Even though she has a German name, she's Italian.

How are you and Bobby doing?

Bobby's good.

Bobby's good. She's cooking for him.

She's going to make dinner at his house. Oh, you normally don't cook for him?

No. It's good that you don't cook for him now because until you get married to

him, that's when you can start cooking.

Don't play house without a... Right.

And you're right, unless he puts a ring on it. Yeah. Unless you gotta put a ring

on it. Gotta put a ring on it. To me, Reno and I were dating six months. We

engaged. Oh, it's really?

Six months engaged, six months later married. See, me and Joe now, we dated,

because I guess, I mean, I met him when I was 20. Okay. Well, I knew him my

whole life.

Everybody takes their relationship in different strides. Joe, my friend, is

like, oh, you know, in the past, he's been like a cheater, and he hasn't been

the best husband.

At least Bobby is not a cheat. Like, that's one thing that I hate.

My father used to say, lie to Teresa, her hit list will be worse than John

Gotti's. That's what I was always told.

Maybe she'll cook for him.

She'll give him a little taste.

And if he likes it, maybe he'll put a ring on it.

Teresa, I said she better put a lot of hot pepper.

She needs to zest things up.

Pepperoni forte.

Oh, look at her feathers.

Oh, I love the feathers. Oh, my God, look at her in her Chanel outfit.

Look at her.

While Amber's always trying to keep her kids happy, a surprise visitor has the

family wheeling with delight.

Well, the good thing is you're going to have a real -life pig in a few minutes.

The bad part is Daddy's going to make it for dinner.

Jim, it's somebody else's pig. I know it's somebody else's pig, but it's still

bacon, honey.

I can't wait for the pig.

I can't wait to cook the pig.

Look what you're teaching your son.

Listen, I'm not happy about this. First of all, I've got a pig, my ex -wife, my

wife, and four kids. It's Saturday.

Like, what is wrong with these people? At least the distinction between the pig

and ex -wife and wife and everything.

You know what we need? I need my mother -in -law and the IRS, and it's a perfect

set. Perfect.

Perfect. Jim's ex -wife is going away on vacation for the weekend, and we are

stuck watching her pig for the weekend.

But it's just adorable. I love animals, and I love pigs especially.

It's almost here.

Piggy!

Oh, my God! It's wagging like a dog!

Oh, my God. It's a freaking pig. It's huge.

Here, piggy, piggy!

You're going to become a pig lover before you know it.

Jim was previously married and had Michael and Sebastian, and they have

divorced for 13 years now, so a very, very long time.

How old is she now? She's eight months old. Oh, my God. How old until we can

actually cook it and eat it?

James.

Rebecca and I get along very well. You know, it wasn't so good at first, and we

have learned to like one another.

You know, at the end of the day, it's not about what I feel towards her or

she feels towards me. It's our mutual love for Michael and Sebastian.

I'll give you a million dollars if you can make that thing piss on my wife.

She'll never want one again.

I would give my first million I make away if it pees on you.

Is that all?

There'll be more than that.

Rebecca and Jim got divorced because they didn't match. They never matched.

The divorce was very difficult.

One of the...

hardest and longest divorce in the history of Monmouth County.

Yeah. So the fact that we're all getting along and we work things out, it was

something I prayed for all the time.

That is not funny.

What do you think? Wait, don't blame me.

So tell me, what do you think of the pig?

I want to go to cook it.

Seriously?

That is not funny.

Come here.

Hey, Bash.

Yes? Can you bring in what we're going to have for lunch?

What? In the garage.

All right, so... We're going to have a little...

This is, by the way, from the wild boar feast.

Just a pork chop, honey.

You got to be tougher than that. All right, Isabel. Daddy was just joking.

just joking. Come here.

We're not having bacon for breakfast tonight. You will get it back, I

Taking a cue from their mom, Teresa's daughters know how to make themselves

to be the center of attention.

What?

I always tell my daughter, live life to its fullest. Be happy every day.

Does this look weird?

Yeah.

She's so stupid.

Don't be upset.

Get along with your sisters. Don't fight with them.

Huh.

Yeah, no.

Off.

Don't talk. What's on your eye? What are you doing?

like a clown shut up you look so tan like you're orange cool she is i know

she's 13 but she's very mature for her age does it stay on forever i'm trying

help you stop having a panic attack she is the princess she's born first i

don't know i got it out of this bottle so really i mean she could do no wrong

I'm not going to say she's perfect, but she's perfect in my eyes.

That's what always puts a smile on my face.

Use my makeup remover.

No, it's not.

Melania, do you want to get pimples at the age of how old are you?

Seven. Eight?

Do you want to get pimples at the age of eight? Get over here.

Well, close your eyes and you'll be fine.

If you're eight years old, act like one.

Oh, my.

Ow!

I'm never letting you put foot stuff on my face again.

I hope you break out.

I should have knew.

As Gia gives Melania a taste of her own medicine, Nicole gives Bobby a taste of

her home cooking.

I don't even know if you have a pot. I got a couple pots. All right, good. Say,

book, grandma's cookbook.

I did, I did. This is good because I have something to look at while you're

cooking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the most... amazing woman in the whole wide

world, my grandmother.

You know that?

She looks sweet.

This is in California.

Oh, my gosh.

In Palm Springs.

Oh, look at Italian honey bowls!

I didn't even know this was in here!

So we could actually make this ourselves.

Your favorite thing! I could make it for you because I've never made this.

Let's do it.

I love to cook. That's the most Italian thing about me.

I was in the kitchen from when I was probably knee -high.

My grandmother had me cooking, making homemade raviolis, homemade gnocchis,

making meatballs every Sunday, making the gravy. So that's the most Italian

thing about me.

I'm so happy that we have our onion. You probably don't like cutting an onion.

They make me cry. You don't want to cry. Very sensitive.

Yeah. I've never seen you cry.

Bobby's not the most super affectionate guy, but like my grandmother always

said, the best way to man's heart.

Besides in the bedroom, through his stomach, you cook him good meals.

So we made that for my grandmother.

Who's this? Me.

You've got to be kidding me. Look at these gold hands.

That was considered, like, really cool back then.

And that's my godfather and my uncle. To Western Reno.

Look at Reno with hair.

I've never seen him with hair.

That's sexy bastard. That's when they first got engaged. Look how young they

were. Onions are smelling very good.

Yeah, something like that.

My grandmother taught me five things.

This is the truth.

It's like, it takes Bobby, like, a little time to warm up, and then once he

does, he's amazing.

Hold on. Oh, oh. Ah! Do not tickle me around. Ah!

So... I love when you giggle like that. It's the cutest thing. I'm really

ticklish. And if anyone could warm anyone up, it's me.

Oh!

Take these Jimmy Choo's off.

Oh! That's it.

Moment. Here.

Name it.

This is good.

Coming up next.

What? No,

he's not.

He's so cute. I'm in love.

Maybe we can take him home.

I think we may be having a new addiction.

My husband just may kill me. To the family. He's so cute.

Reno.

I'm as faralicious.

And with cute little baby Pomeranian, he's so cute and he needs a home.

No, no, no, no, no. There is no home.

The only animal in the house is me. That's it. Done.

Suppose I just surprise you and come home with him.

And you find him in bed with us tonight.

And I'll surprise you and come home and strip him.

The last thing we need is a dog.

Okay. I love you. Goodbye.

I told you a very smart doctor.

He's not a dog lover.

Days before Hurricane Jim rolled into Florida, the ladies soaked up some

serenity with the warm weather. Oh, the sun feels good.

Pool boy's here.

Jeffrey, you are the perfect pool boy.

Oh, yay.

Jeff,

you are hired, Jeff.

Laying by the pool, taking in the sun, it's just so nice and relaxing. I'm

to be here because it's... Cold New Jersey.

What's funny is we're here without Teresa and Amber, which is who brought

together. Oh, God. Something actually good came out of Amber.

Did Amber text you a commercial for Jim's company, for Mortgage Now, the one

with all the kids?

She texted to Teresa and I. Not me. Let me get the iPad.

Okay, let's see.

Oh, no.

Welcome to Mortgage Now, home of the five -day close.

When you apply for a loan at other banks, You feel like you were just

the bun around.

Oh, he's so cute.

Isn't he adorable?

He's so adorable.

Girl, nothing but trouble. So when you're ready to save hundreds of dollars

your mortgage or take 10 years off your loan.

This is the first time that I'm seeing the cinematic masterpiece of the

Now commercial.

I'm wondering, is this for real or is this like a spoof on a commercial?

God, I hope their sex tapes are better than this.

It's terrible. Their kids are in this.

When do you want to apply for a mortgage?

Now. Call us now and get your loan closed within two weeks.

Oh, it's cute.

The kids are adorable.

The kids are adorable.

But this, this was like this whole thing and 1 -800 -MORTGAGE. Really? She

looked like a bad porn movie. Like, I don't know. Let me take off the little

schoolgirl glasses or whatever she had on. I don't know. Melissa, you know what

I think would be really fun?

What? Let's make our own Mortgage One commercial.

Mortgage now.

Yeah.

Come on.

Channel Amber.

Yeah, channel Amber. I'm going to channel her.

I'm just an ass playing Amber.

Okay. Whoa. Now that is a real deal.

All right. Amber, now I want you to think about Jim in the bedroom.

Three, two, one.

Hi, I'm Amber Marchese.

And my husband, Jim, has a mortgage business, and I like diamonds and

please get a mortgage through us. Boom, boom.

Mortgage now, mortgage now, mortgage now.

Mortgage now, mortgage now, mortgage now. Boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

Making the commercial, I don't know if I feel that it's more rude or funny.

Whatever.

I don't really, you know, it's like rude, I guess, you know. All right. Come

scene. Let's do this. Okay. We're losing light. We're losing light. We're losing

light. And the Oscar for Best Director in a Mortgage Commercial goes to Dina

Manson. Thank you. I just wanted to thank God first.

Come on, kids.

Mommy needs a new pair of shoes. Come on. You need to go make some money.

You guys are real ass.

As Dina calls a wrap on her directing debut, back in New Jersey, Melania

to take direction.

It's Sunday morning. Everybody does chores.

Come on. Chop, chop. You guys gotta help.

Gabriella!

Adriana, Adriana, grab the...

those shoes, put them in the closet.

Melania is definitely the most high maintenance out of all my children.

Melania needs attention all the time. That's why she does the

things that she does.

Rambo's ripping out of his cage?

Do you have mascara on? Yeah.

Why do you have mascara on? She just loves to get a reaction out of me. She

loves it. Like, I think she thrives off of that.

No,

he's not.

Look!

What's he doing?

He's biting his cage to rip it.

This is the last thing that I need on my mind right now.

Oh, my God.

Back

in

Florida, the ladies tentatively survey the swamp.

This is my buddy, Mr.

Gerald. You live in the middle of this?

Imagine Gerald taking you home. Come on, come to my place.

It's a little bit shady that we're trusting this guy to take us to

house in the middle of the swamp.

Play your cards right, get a little ice on those nippies, and this man might

take you in, baby.

Oh, my God, look at the sign.

We don't dial 911 with a gun.

And I think that's because...

The cops couldn't get here fast enough if there was an emergency.

What do you do if there's an emergency?

Wow, there are lots of vets here.

I don't know what goes on here. I don't know if people do the gators

here. I don't know if it's a wild gator horny party festival that goes on here.

But something crazy goes on here.

Frog leg.

Anybody hungry?

Cena, lunch.

There's all kinds of animal remnants everywhere. What the fuck is this?

This house is, like, really creepy. I could actually picture Jason coming out

the bedroom and just, like, stabbing us any moment. Like, that's how freaky this

house is.

Are you the man of the house?

I could well be. Nicole, nice to meet you, Captain Gerald.

Make yourself at home anywhere, anyhow you wish. Thank you.

And you have lots of beds in case we want to sleep here.

Holy mackerel.

He's like, are you getting busy with all the ladies with all these beds?

The ladies don't want to stay long enough to find out that I want somebody

clean fish and frogs.

You know, I'm not going to lie. This guy seems really nice, but the house is

shady.

I'd rather die single, alone, and with my cat than move to the Everglades in

middle of an island.

It's not going to happen.

Well, I guess my prince isn't in here.

I know. You can't kiss him.

Where's his head?

Where are his lips?

Oh, you see our legs. He doesn't look very romantic now.

No, he doesn't. He's not looking like a prince now, Kermie. Oh, Captain Charles

is a lot of fun.

When I finally, like, move out of my parents' house, I think I'm going to,

redecorate and just have, like, a room with, like, tons of beds and, like, have

parties on the weekend. Like, yeah, they're right. Hey, listen, he did not

smiling.

Do I have some takers?

Nicole is a taker.

This could have been my prince.

Just like this. It could have been the prince. Yeah.

Oh, wow, she's eating.

The batter is really good.

Thank you. She's making love to that frog leg.

I like it.

Coming up next.

I get out. I escape.

You're not supposed to do that.

Just shut your butthole. Joe!

Things may be chilly in New Jersey, but when Teresa is around family, her heart

is always warm.

Sit. Hey, Stella.

Just let the dog run around.

No. It's not going to go anywhere.

Yeah.

Wow, Joey, you're going to make me fly.

Easy. Oh, my God, look at this. It's all over the place.

I wish we were at the beach right now.

They're too cold now.

Huh? They're too cold.

They're too cold? You got to leave them on then, sweetheart.

It would have been fun for Joe and I to go with the group and spend time in

Florida. I mean, really. Hello, Jersey. How many months?

Do we have a snow? We have November, December, January, February, March.

March. In Italian, marzo e pazzo.

Five months of snow.

Gia, you were the last one that was on my quad. Where's the key?

Gia, do you know where the key is, hon?

Say a prayer to St. Anthony.

St. Anthony. Hail Mary, full of grace. There's a key hanging out right there.

Melania. I thought Daddy sent you to your room. How'd you get out? Yeah,

Melania, how'd you get out? Out of my window. And I'm here.

I don't like you sending me in my room.

And I get out. I escape.

Joe, she climbed out of her window.

Mommy, I love your hair with snow in it.

But don't change the subject, Missy. I'll just shut your butthole.

Joe! Melania, you better watch your little lips. Don't say that!

Don't say butthole when I'm right here.

Relax. Melania, you better chill out. Do you want me to put soap in your mouth?

I'll put some corn in your mouth. Are you serious? I'll put soap in your

Melania. And you know I already did it once.

Oh,

she's used to soap in her mouth. Do you hear her?

Just being a mom, you know, sometimes it's like a three -ring circus.

But you try your best.

Just like, for instance, on Twitter. I got a lot, like, you need to be a better

parent.

I just delete, delete, delete.

Wait, see it!

Put Adriana on. Get on.

Hold on, Adriana.

Hold on.

Now this is what it's all about.

This is what's important in life.

There's journeys in life that you go through and obstacles. And at the end of

the day, all my daughters need to know is that mommy and daddy love them with

all our hearts.

And that they'll always be safe with us.

What's the matter? Yeah, I really had to show a snowball in my face. All right,

all right. Sorry.

For more of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, go to bravotv .com.