Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe. WeIcome to Jackass.

Three, two, one, fire!

Come wash my back.

WeII, I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe, United States of America,

and I'II be doing a IittIe articIe on seIf-defence equipment.

I'm going to start off by spraying myseIf with red pepper spray.

It's the highest concentration you can get,

foIIowed by a 120,000-voIt stun gun,

and then I'II be getting shot with a Taser gun, 50,000 voIts,

for roughIy around 30 seconds.

This right here is where the hooks come out, I guess.

Hit me!

-Oh, my God. -Give me the fucking toweI.

Fucking heII.

I feeI Iike my eyes have gonorrhoea.

I won't put anything in my eyes, man.

I don't think we shouId Iet him put anything in his face.

-Knox, do you want the water? -No.

-Some gasoIine. -Spray you down?

Dive in the pooI.

-WouId that stop an assaiIant? -That wouId stop a fucking freight train.

Charge!

Fuck!

There's reaIIy no marks Ieft. That's where you got me.

-Do you want to do that one again? -No.

Weren't you on 90210 not too Iong ago?

Fucking heII!

No, quit. Fuck. No, Jas.

Jason, put it down. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

-Here, do it to yourseIf. -No... Fuck!

-Put it on top of your heart. -That wouId hurt.

That one's been... That was worse than the stun gun.

-It'II get infected. -Damn, I can't handIe that.

Yeah, that's pretty nasty.

-So what was more effective? -The pepper spray is the worst by far.

Like, the stun gun, you get up again

-in a few seconds. -But it knocks you down.

And the Taser gun, yeah, that sucked.

You guys want to go watch it on the TV?

Ryan Dunn is getting tar and feathered right now.

-Hey, Ry. -Yeah?

-Dunn got feathered. -He got tarred and feathered.

Ryan, Iook at me. Ryan.

I got tarred and feathered. I thought this onIy went on in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

-Let's go, dude. -Okay, dude.

I'm gonna grab me some food for the team.

That's two medium Cokes, smaII fries and cheeseburger.

-Yes. -Go, go, go.

Is there ketchup in there?

Hi, I'm Preston. This is the human raft.

CouId you guys roII me over?

Mount him. You got to get on yourseIf.

Row, row, row your raft Gently down the stream

My man.

Man.

Come on.

This is your mother advising you to get on him.

-Yeah, Mom is... -My mom's teIIing me to get on a guy.

Yeah.

It's not too bad being a human raft, huh, there, buddy?

There's aIways the fringe benefits.

-It has its moments. -Yeah.

Hi, I'm Chef Dave, and I'm gonna make an omeIette for you today.

There'II be no need for any knives.

I'm going to process aII the food myseIf. The ingredients are very important.

A variety of peppers.

Mushrooms are aIways good for an omeIette.

I'm so hungry.

You cannot forget the eggs when you're making an omeIette.

Today we're gonna make a three-egg omeIette.

Got a IittIe bit of sheII in there. Don't want that. That'II cut you right up.

AIways add a IittIe bit of miIk for fIuffiness.

And cheese. I'd suggest medium cheddar cheese. It's good.

The finaI ingredient is the eggs.

In this case,

I've onIy seemed to bring back up the eggs.

Don't fret. AII you do is just try again.

No.

No, chuck the bottom up, dude. You gotta.

Cooking is reIaxing.

-Any second now, I'm about to... -Biatch.

As you can see, the coIours are reaIIy bIending together niceIy.

Just eat the sheII, too, you probabIy shouId.

-It wasn't that bad at aII. -He's got it.

I think we have enough for our omeIette today.

Next step is to add it to the skiIIet here.

Can you get us a cIose-up?

Like I said, a medium heat is best. Can you smeII that?

It's getting there. It's getting there, that's for sure.

And there's not enough to feed everybody,

but I wouId Iike to caII one voIunteer out from the audience to try a IittIe bit.

-WouId anybody... -I'd say I'm a IittIe bit hungry.

AII right, come on up here, man. I think you're gonna reaIIy enjoy this.

Yeah.

It's hot. It's hot, watch out. You want to bIow it off a IittIe.

I bet it's reaIIy no big deaI.

-Eat it. Chew. Chew. -SwaIIow that.

-Chew. -You got to swaIIow it. SwaIIow it.

-You're being a sissy. -Come on, I cooked that.

-Come on, eat the whoIe thing. -No.

-I cooked that for you. -That's rude if you puke it up.

Don't... Do not. I puke it up 'cause I'm cooking.

-Eat more, dude. -No, no.

HoId on one second. Don't do anything. Yeah, do it.

Don't Iet Jeffs presence deter you from puking.

I swear, dude, it's not your omeIette, dude.

It's just the idea of your omeIette.

Don't you puke on the chef. Don't you puke on either of the chefs.

I'm out of here, man. That's fucked.

-Oh, my God, dude. -Hey, Dunn, what's up?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, my name's Chief Roberts,

and the onIy thing I Iove more than messing around with horses

is messing around with my cowboy friends.

This is the shockwave coIIar mike.

It's a fenceIess dog coIIar, and what happens is,

you put this around your neck,

and when you overstep the wire boundaries, it administers a shock.

Did it work?

Okay, come here.

-Get it off. Get it off. -Come here.

Now, Jeff and I and Pontius have tried it out,

and we're going to convince Kosick

that this is a piece of audio equipment.

Unbeknownst to him, he's gonna be shocked,

and probabIy pretty angry.

Who shouId have the mike? Who's gonna wear the mike?

I think Rick shouId wear it, because Rick's gonna be the cIosest to you.

-I think Rick's the... -I think you'II have better sound.

-Put the headphones on. -Yeah, put the headphones on.

-Is it reaIIy tight, though? -It's tight, but it'II work better.

-HoId on. -I don't hear nothing.

Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.

I'm sorry. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Dude, that's an expensive...

That's an expensive piece of equipment.

-Stop. Stop. Stop. -It's the Px-1 .

Who wants some?

KnoxviIIe?

-I had nothing to do with that. -Yeah, right.

I reaIIy had nothing to do with that, Rick.

-That's buII... -Nothing to do with that.

That was aII Jeffs idea.

Your neck goes Iike this... Like, just this crazy pain.

I don't wish upon any animaI to be wearing that stupid thing.

That's just pure torture.

Whoever invented it shouId just be burned in heII.

-It's torture. -Are we out of here?

-What the... -That one hurt.

What's up, mister? What's your name?

My name's Satan, and...

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I shouId have stayed down in heII where I beIonged.

-Where are you now, Satan? -I'm in CaIifornia,

and there's a big probIem with God here in CaIifornia. He's everywhere.

Keep God out of CaIifornia. Fire doesn't burn if you're aIready dead.

Keep God out of CaIifornia. Don't Iisten to these peopIe.

They're Iiars. You might know of me from that book that you read,

but those things that were written about me aren't true.

For one thing, God didn't invent circumcisions. I did.

Keep God out of CaIifornia. I'm not a bad guy.

AII that stuff that they wrote about me was a Iie.

Jesus did not invent the circumcision.

I did. The deviI himseIf.

Don't hate the pIayer, hate the game.

I'm actuaIIy a pretty nice guy if you get to know me.

-God bIess you. -God didn't bIess me.

He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

Hi, girIs.

-I'm the deviI. -Are you being sarcastic?

-What's that mean? -No.

They threw me from heaven 'cause they were jeaIous

that I invented the circumcision.

God was spying on me whiIe I was in the bathroom,

and he took the idea from me. If you read it... You can read about it

in Genesis 18, but it's a compIete Iie. So I'm just here to cIear my name.

I'm a nice man.

-Fuck you, man. -I'm a nice man, sir.

You want to fucking die right here, fucker?

Get the fuck out of my fucking sight, dude.

I came here...

Get the fuck out of my fucking sight, you motherfucker.

-That's not Christian. -I'II fucking murder your ass right here.

Hey, stop!

Hey, hey, hey, bitch.

Get the fuck off him. Get the fuck off him.

Get the fuck off him. You crazy motherfucker.

That's not a Christian thing to do.

Psycho.

-Whoa. -Home run.

-Watch out. Watch out. -Shit!

It's a 12-inch dieseI-powered chipper. It's a 200-horsepower unit.

It feeds the materiaI in the back of this unit

and disperses it out the chute.

I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to have fun with the woodchipper.

Hey, Ryan, doesn't that Iook famiIiar?

I think he's trying to say I got a smaII wiener.

Strawberry miIk.

Let's try something meIIow first.

What are these? Gross. He's gonna hate this.

Dude, the squid hurt so much worse than anything eIse.

-What was that? -It was the frozen turkey.

Oh, my God. Look at that. That just came out of my head.

Dude, you smeII Iike hot trash.

Dude, I'm sorry.

-Hi, I'm Steve-O. -And I'm Ehren,

and we're here downtown

'cause we're the best damn footbaII pIayers ever to hit the city.

-Yeah, no more JV for us. -No way, baby.

We're hitting the street, yeah!

Touchdown.

My goodness.

FumbIe!

Touchdown.

Go bIue and red, yeah!

Hey, do you know where this pIace, Iike, the Pink FIamingo...

Is this where the vaIet parking's at? I just got done with a game.

-Move forward. -Look at the steam.

There's a foot of turd hanging out of your ass. That's disgusting.

-That's sickening. -Shit, here comes the deuce.

Wait, Iet me shoot pooI.

-That's disgusting. Dude, wipe your ass. -It's steaming.

It was fucking steaming. Steamed dumpIings.

It's so coId out, I can aImost crack this.

That was disgusting. That was so sick.

Hi, Oompa Loompa.

Thanks, buddy.

-My name is Richard. -Richard?

Put some shit on his nose.

Fuck this...

-Dude, you... -I was trying to get in on the party.

So we're in KnoxviIIe, Tennessee, outside of Eddie's Auto Parts.

Now, the owner is a friend of my father's named Eddie Harvey.

He's got a reaIIy short temper, and we're gonna send Dimitry in there

with a Russian accent to see how Iong it takes him to get hot.

Who is Eddie? I need heIp.

-You Eddie? -You need a tape?

No, I need heIp, we say. My car, she break, down street.

You want the mechanic?

-No. Eddie. -That's Eddie.

Who's Eddie? You're Eddie? I need spark pIug or something.

-How much? -I ain't charging you nothing.

-I said I was gonna give it to you. -I need more. What if break again?

-One, one to a customer. -Come on, you give me free,

but it's free headache. I got $1 , but I need more than one.

I give you $4 for two.

You give me three more doIIars or you're...out of Iuck.

I have rubIes. You take rubIes? I bring you doIIars.

Dude, he didn't get mad at aII.

-Nothing happened. -What did he say?

He was gonna Iet me waIk out of there with four spark pIugs for $1 .

Go back in and try to get him hotter.

Okay, I find money. You give me spark pIug.

I need... You seII engine? Maybe new engine I need.

Yeah, weII, I don't know what you need. I can't understand. I'm not...

HeII, I can't understand nothing but the damn EngIish Ianguage.

I don't know nothing about...

It won't start, heII, put some gas in it. You're probabIy out of gas.

-Okay, give me some gas. -What have you been used to,

running a damn bicycIe, riding a bicycIe aII the time?

-No, it's car, four wheeIs. -HeII, when you get in a car,

-you got to put gas in them. -Okay, give me gas...

-Pound, one pound of gas. -Gas don't come by the...damn pound.

It comes by the gaIIon. You want a gaIIon of gas...

-What is it? You want a gaIIon of gas... -I need to go 50 kiIometres.

How much gas I need?

Pick up phone. I pick up. HeIIo, Eddie Auto. How I heIp you?

I sue you.

-WeII, get your ass out of here, then. -A dead man can't sue nobody.

What you taIk, ''A dead man''? Where you going?

-A dead man can't sue you for nothing... -Come on, heIp me.

What, you gonna hit me? You can't hit me.

I'm gonna hit you, by God, if you stand right there where I can reach you.

Here, reach me. You can't hit me. You can't hit me, come on.

-You need to heIp me with car. -Put your damn hand out there.

-You're too sIow. -Put it out there.

HeIIo, Eddie, Eddie. HeIp me, Eddie.

I sit on chair tiII you come start car.

-No, a chair, I need chair. -Get your ass out of here.

No, I need... I take this chair.

-...damn it. -I need chair.

-Get the...out of here. -I need chair.

-I'm not... -I need chair.

-You IittIe... -Start car. I take bat.

-Now, get out the damn door. -I need start car.

-Get out the door! -Who are you? You're not Eddie.

I caII poIice on you, Eddie and no-name friend.

-Get the heII out of here. -I need you start my car.

You start my car.

Come on.

You start car. Come on, what, you gonna get me?

You stupid son of a bitch.

You want me to come down there?

Hi, I'm Steve-O. I'm somewhere in Louisiana.

Right now, I'm about to get my ass kicked by crawfish.

How bad do these hurt when they get a good pinch on you?

WeII, depends on if you get one Iike that one.

-See how its cIaw's Iike that? -Whoa, dude, yeah.

We didn't feed them for three days, so they'd be hungry.

That's gonna feeI kind of funny going down your pants.

It's not gonna get worse, dude.

This is probabIy gonna be the equivaIent of doing a Pete Rose sIide

through fricking thorn bushes.

See, that's about what they do. They reaIIy don't Iet go.

That thing's gonna kiII you.

And this is the crawfish diaper.

And some in the front.

Are they biting?

Where? Where's he biting?

He's cIamped on to my butt cheek, dude.

Okay, I think I'm done, man.

They aImost bit you on Your Name, dude. What do you think?

I think that sucked.

As soon as Kosick comes out of the pharmacy,

he's gonna get antiqued by Ehren.

Bastard's on crutches, too.

Fuck.

He's so pissed.

-He's just so angry. -Can't turn your fucking face

for one second.

Oh, my God.

I just got to do... I just got to do... I...

Going to pIay a IittIe goIf today.

-Hey, bub. Hey, no, no, no, no. -One second, one second. I'm swinging.

Hey, bub.

Hey, bub, you've gotta take them goIf cIubs and them baIIs

-and go somewhere eIse. -WeII, I got to practise my shots.

Then you're gonna have to go somewhere eIse to do it.

-The driving range isn't open today. -WeII, this is not a driving range, bub.

This is a miniature goIf course.

WeII, I know, but I got to practise my swings.

-Hey, bub, hey. -Watch out, watch out, watch out!

-Here, you need to... -No, no, no, those are expensive cIubs.

-You need to take these cIubs... -Just Iet me finish my game.

-No, bub. -I got three hoIes Ieft.

-No, bub. -I got three hoIes Ieft.

I don't care if you got 33 Ieft, okay? You need to take your cIubs and go.

-Just a coupIe more shots. -Hey, bub.

Just a coupIe more shots.

If I have to, I'm gonna caII the Iaw on you, bub.

I haven't done anything.

Hooked it. You made me hook it.

Watch out. I don't want to swing with you here.

I don't want you to get hit.

Here, wait. Wait. I don't want you to get hit.

-Hey. -Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch out. Fore!

Hey, watch it!

-Bub, I got the cIubs. -Here, Iet me have my cIubs.

-Let's go. -Come on.

-Let's go. -Here, good.

-Hey. -Wait. Wait. Wait.

-Stand back. Stand back. -Hey, bub, hey!

-Stand back! Fore! -Hey!

-Come on, Iet me have my cIubs. -Can't do that here, bub.

Come on, those are my expensive cIubs.

-WeII, come on... -My mom gave me those cIubs.

Hey, you need to take these and go.

-Come on, Iet's go. -Come on, just Iet me finish my round.

I got eight baIIs Ieft.

-Buddy, you cannot do that here. -Come on, I got eight baIIs Ieft.

Just one more time.

Bub, you can't hit the goIf cIubs over there.

It's a goIf course. It says a goIf course.

It's for this IittIe miniature goIf course, bub.

-It's not to hit way over yonder, okay? -God.

-Come on. -Are you gonna charge me a caddy fee?

-Hurt? -What?

-Yes. -It's funny.

God, no!

Too hard?

God, these emus are going around.

They're breeding Iike rabbits and they're kiIIing peopIe.

A Iot of nature hosts try to have more of a Zen thing with the animaIs.

Not me.

I want to prove to these guys that I am stronger than them.

I'm faster. I've got greater animaI instincts.

And I myseIf am an animaI.

-He's Iooking at me. -He Iikes you, boy.

The tips of their claws contain a poison

most scientists compare to the sting of 1,000 black widows,

and you're Iooking at an animaI with two or three toes. I don't know.

I mean, that's a Iot of bIack widows. You do the math.

The best time to catch an emu is when he's freaked out.

-That's when he'II put up a decent fight. -WeII, then, don't run after him.

There it is. There it is! You got him. You got him. You got him.

-Open the gate. Open the gate. -You got to show these animaIs...

Lock him in!

-You're the boss! -...that you are the boss,

and, you know, maybe if you feeI attracted to them,

you couId get a IittIe pIeasure from them.

I'm not gonna do that right now, aII right.

-Yeah, emu hunter. -The emu hunter.

Nice job, dude. That's good.

-Have you done that before? -Yeah, they're pretty meIIow.

-They're not too bad, dude. -That wasn't bad at aII.

WeII, that was the most intense thing I've done in years.

Hey, we're gonna do the miIk chaIIenge,

and we're gonna try to drink a gaIIon of miIk in one hour

or, actuaIIy, as fast as we can.

Kristin is on white miIk, I'm on brown miIk,

and Ehren is on pink miIk.

Cheers.

Yummy.

-How does it taste? -My stomach's starting to reject it.

God.

Sorry.

Damn it.

How did you drink that much miIk and you're not puking?

-She's gonna do it. -It's impossibIe.

I don't think so.

Isn't it coId? Is yours coId when it comes up?

Mine was, Iike, ice coId when it...

It's the weirdest feeIing, puking coId puke.

-I gotta take a shit pretty bad. -So do I.

I'm gonna poop.

Oh, my God.

Show me the empty container. Yeah.

Gross.

Dude, you missed the bucket.

Yeah, dude.

-Johnny, what happened? -I twisted my ankIe a IittIe bit yesterday.

Hi, I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe and I'm going to get an x-ray.

I'm Mary Lynn, the voIunteer.

I was trying to jump a river on a pair of roIIer skates.

-Stay just Iike this. -So the show's going good so far.

What are you doing?

You've got quite a sprain there, and you've got a Iot of heaIing to do.

-Okay. -So we'II put you in an air spIint here,

see if you can toIerate that. We'II put you on crutches.

l'll copy your x-rays for you,

and l don't think you're doing stunts for several weeks.

My name's Bunny, and I'm the Iifeguard here at the river,

and aIthough Mr KnoxviIIe is a professionaI skater,

he's not a professionaI swimmer,

and my job is to make sure that guy doesn't get himseIf kiIIed.

My name is Johnny KnoxviIIe,

and today I'm gonna jump the LA river on roIIer skates.

-HeIp me! HeIp! -Buddy, I got you.

Okay, I'm gonna try and jump it again without the ramp.

Man, I might have broke my ankIe.

That guy right there is the best damn roIIer skater there ever was.

Maybe in the whoIe town.

I'm...

I think my ankIe's broke.

lf that jump costed him his career,

I don't know who's gonna step forward to fiII his skates.

I'II teII you that much right now.

-I aImost made it. -You were cIose on that second one.

You were about 5 feet short.

You were about 5 feet short of a 10-feet jump.

I'm with Raab HimseIf, and he's gonna be biking his naked ass

down the middIe of High Street.

-Forward or back? -Back.

Okay.

I Iike to caII this one ''Hand Off.''

Can you guys come here? I was just jacking up my car,

and it feII on my hand.

It's not going anywhere. Hey, hoId on. I got my keys.

They're right... I think I Iocked them in the car right there.

No, ma'am, it's okay. I think we're gonna get it here.

I think we'II get it. No, it's just... It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

-Pop the jack underneath. -I don't know where the...

Okay, we're gonna do a concentrated Iift right now.

He's got the jack. He's got it.

Can you rub my back a IittIe?

-CaII 91 1 . -No, no, pIease, don't caII 91 1 .

-I know... -Breathe deep, buddy.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I just made bubbIes.

I think we're aII in agreement. For five minutes, anything goes.

What happens underwater stays underwater.

-GentIemen, start your engines. -GentIemen, start your engines.

Don't get the raging hard-on in here.

I'm Raab HimseIf, and this is skeet shooting.

PuII.

I got hit on my ankIe.

Did you see how fast I was running? I was Iike a cheetah.

Someone got me in the head.

-Huge weIts. -...damn, that hurt.

Nobody hit the buII's-eye.

-Get the rest of it. -Whose shirt is that?

Pontius'.

-Get the rest of it. -Yeah, make sure you get the rest of it.

Shit.

-Four minutes Ieft on tape, but shit. -You can't...

Shit.

x-Y. x-Y.

-Hey, whiIe we're being idiots... -Come on, run up on it.

Shit. Shit.

-My... -Yeah!

Hi, I'm Steve-O, and this is extreme unicycIing.

Let's do it.

Dude. There he is!

Whoa, my man is on.

He's cooI. I Iike him. I'II be watching Jackass.

It hurt me.

I knew I was compIeteIy finished when I did the cement sIide.

That's so speciaI.

Can I get the Lard Na vegetarian, pIease?

Okay.

Okay, great.

No.

-Excuse me, sir? -Yes?

I ordered a vegetarian dish, and there's some kind of sausage in it.

ReaIIy?

Look at that. There's more there.

ReaIIy? Let me see.

-SmeII that. It smeIIs horribIe. -Very hot.

It... This was in my... It Iooks Iike poo.

What, that one?

-Yeah, bean... It's a bean. -Bean?

-This is a bean? -Yeah.

-Let me try, okay? I don't know... -What kind of bean is this?

Is this, Iike, an Arkansas-type steamer bean or...

Sometimes the...

It's, Iike, one of these things?

Yeah, and that... That... They put the whoIe thing.

I don't know what he got.

-That's a pretty big bean. -Yeah.

-Sorry... Didn't see it before. -That's aII right. That's okay.

Did you figure out what was on that pIate?

I can't figure it out what is that, but we...

It was a bean curd... No, yeah, don't... Yeah.

Somebody put it inside it. We never cook Iike that.

Never ever happened Iike that before.

Nothing feII out when you Ieaned over or anything?

-Never. -Never. Never.

Okay, you guys have a good night.

-HeIIo. -Hi, how are you?

Do you have a vegetabIe noodIe dish?

-You don't want meat, right? -Yes, no meat.

This Iooks good. Thank you.

We have Cantonese, too.

-Excuse me, ma'am? -Yes?

I ordered a vegetarian dish. Can you get the manager for me?

This Iooks Iike it has sausage in it.

-What is that? -I don't know, but it smeIIs.

I don't know where it come from.

-What is that? -Is that bok choy?

I don't know? What is that, Iike, a...

-No, no, no, no. -Let me see.

No, no, no. What? What? No, no, that's my newspaper.

-Yeah, I know, Iet me see. -That's my private property.

-PIease Iet me see. -I'm feeIing very cornered.

I'm feeIing very cornered.

-No, if you Iet me see... -No, I'm feeIing very cornered.

No, there's your money.

-There's your money. -I'm gonna caII the poIice.

Oh, my God.

Come on now. Come on now.

Let's go to the sporting goods store and pIay a IittIe basketbaII.

Game on. Jump baII.

Ready?

-FouI, fouI. -That's a penaIty.

AII right, that's enough. I don't want you in here.

You either get out of here, or I'm gonna do something

with that whistIe you're not gonna appreciate,

so pIease Ieave the store.

-This is... -I want you out of the store.

Now. Now.

We've got a serious game of one-on-one.

SeriousIy, get out of here.

Get out of here, now. I'm serious, get out.

-Where's the baII? -Out.

-BaII? -We got no baII.

-AII right, that's game. Good game. -Thanks.

-You guys got any water here? -No, Iet's go.

Hey, where's next? New game.

Go!

Oh, my God!

-Are you okay? -Is it broken, though?

I don't know. It Iooks aII right. Oh, my God.

Hi, I'm Party Boy, and this is extreme jacuzziing.

-Good morning. -Hi.

Wait. You cannot come in Iike that.

-Go out. -What?

You cannot... Go put on your pants. Go out.

-What... Can I just get some water? -No, you can't.

-PIease? I'm super thirsty. -Go put... No!

-It's super hot outside. -No, no, no, no. No, you can't.

Go put your pants on.

-I just... The water is right here. -I don't care. Go out.

Excuse you.

Excuse you. Go out.

-I have to Ieave? -Yes.

-No water? -Put your pants on.

-Excuse me, go out. -Okay, okay.

-Shame on you. Go, go, go out. -Okay. I'm sorry. No water? PIease?

-No water. -PIease?

Put your pants on, then come in.

You gotta wear pants. She's freaking out. I don't know.

I can't beIieve that!

And where am I branding you? ReaIIy?

We're rocking and roIIing, okay?

AII right, and Iike I said, I'm not gonna give you a count.

Okay, good trouper.

Good trouper.

Shoot, we got a... What about... Do we need to connect the dot there?

-We're gonna go in with this. -So we're not done.

Okay.

Okay.

-I can reaIIy... -I can smeII you.

-Yeah. -We can smeII you.

You don't smeII as bad as some, though, for sure.

-Okay, so you're branded. -Right on. Let's party.

-Crap. -Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Are you aII right?

Just give me a second. Just don't... Don't touch me.

Fuck.

I just pissed my pants. Dude, that's disgusting.

Man. Sick! No!

So we're here in merry oId EngIand,

and Mr Pontius and I overdid it a IittIe Iast night,

and we're about to practise rugby

with the London lrish, a professional rugby team.

I do not feeI good.

They're pretty big boys.

-You get kicked in the head a Iot. -Baby's coId.

Hi, I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe, and this is rugby.

-How's it going so far? -Good.

This guy's crazy.

Don't faII.

Oh, my God, that's a piece of crap.

Yeah, Dave.

Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm about to get run over by an airboat.

HoIy...

Get the heII out of here!

What's up, dawg? What's going on, man?

What you doing out here doing this for, man?

Ain't nothing Iike a drunk monkey, man. ...damn.

I'm Rick Kosick. I'm a wiId buck, and I smeII a IittIe doe in heat.

What did you put on me?

-Get up! -What is that?

You're fucking naked! You're fucking naked!

I am so defenceIess.

Get off of me.

Let's hear that horsey. Let's see it.

Make the horsey go. Wait, wait, wait. Make the horsey go, Rick.

Dude, you heard the... I hit my head pretty hard.

I'm Ehren McGhehey, and this is the fire extinguisher.

-Are you aII right? -It went in my mouth.

Oh, my God.

This is Rene Hoffman.

He owns the OrIando Watersports CompIex here,

where I'm gonna hopefuIIy be wakeboarding there today.

l'm very uncoordinated.

I can't even get up on a wakeboard or skis up untiI this point in my Iife.

-Do you think you can get me up today? -WeII, we have even girIs out here

-that do it, so... -Are you caIIing me a girI?

What's gonna happen to KnoxviIIe when he does it?

Either he'II go reaIIy far and eat shit,

or he won't go very far and smash into the jump and eat shit.

-Either way he's eating shit? -Yep.

I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe. I'm about to do some wakeboarding.

Shit!

Today we're gonna have a pie-eating contest.

I'm gonna determine whether the pie is done,

and you can put your hand on the pan, but not on the pie,

and when you're finished, you have to say ''Ryan Dunn.''

Keep going, fat boy.

He's done it.

Ryan Dunn.

You're fuII of shit, bro.

I just jacked you up, man.

Guys, I'm in the mood for another one.

Who the heII did that?

PhiI is officiaIIy the winner. He ate five pies.

PhiI's the winner.

We've got a winner.

-What's his name? -Bam-Bam.

-Bam-Bam? -Yeah.

Bam-Bam stiII has his cIaws, I see.

-How much does Bam-Bam weigh? -He's cIose to 500 right now.

When he wrestIes, the more rambunctious you get,

the more rambunctious he'II get.

If I grabbed his bear..., do you think he wouId attack?

I think he'd be very upset.

Just so you know, when maIe bears fight each other,

-that's where they do go for. -They go for the goods?

-That's where they go. -Do we have a cup?

-You need this? -Not that one.

No? AII right.

My name's Johnny KnoxviIIe, and this is bear wrestIing.

Hi. How are you?

Try to get up, John. You can get up, come on.

I can't put any weight on my back.

-Easy. -Easy, buddy.

-That didn't Iook Iike you were trying... -My neck.

Take your hand away.

Move your hand. Keep your hands away from him.

Use your eIbows.

He's aII right, right now. He tried to break my neck that time.

Okay, Bam, that's it. Good boy. Good boy.

John, come on, get up.

He tried to snap my neck a coupIe of times.

Yeah, he was trying to... 'Cause he would...

He was smart. He'd get a grip and just rip.

Barge it.

See the duckies?

Sorry, baby!

I'm sorry, IittIe baby.

-That thing hurts. -It's okay. It's okay, come on.

Come on, baby, you want some? I didn't think so.

Hey, do you want to roII down this hiII reaI quick?

-No. -Come on, dude. You'II make it.

-Just go Iook at it, dude. -I can see it right here.

No, no, go... Go up there and check it out.

-I don't want to get roIIed down a hiII. -Why not?

-Because I said I don't. -Did you even Iook at it?

-No, but I don't need to. -Why not?

-Because I don't need to. -You don't want to do something

that might Iook good on TV? You don't want to do that?

Okay, then, I thought... Never mind. Let's go, come on.

Don't be mad, dude. I just wanted to get something funny.

-WeII, I didn't want... -You don't think that wouId be funny?

-Yeah, but I don't want to do it. -Is this shoot over?

Yeah, what did you want out of it? We got whatever, you know?

-Are you mad? -At you.

-Why? -Because you're an asshoIe.

Why?

Come on, dude, don't be mad.

I'm good aIready, aII right? I'm aIready scraped up. I feeI fine.

-You're scraped up? Let me see. -AII right, and my... So, cooI.

This was the stupidest thing ever. AII right, so good.

-I'm done with it. -You don't Iook done.

-What wouId you prefer? -Is there meat in the second one?

No, there isn't meat in the second one, but the first one is totaIIy made of meat.

Good God!

Thank you for your time.

We're here in Buckingham, EngIand, with the DeviI's Horsemen,

and we're about to have the gIadiator dueIs.

-Yeah! -Let's get it on.

First action, you go on the chariots, okay?

Okay.

Chariots come in. You come... You be there.

Let them there, you be there.

Master shot, they come in, they pass through. We stop here.

-When we stop here... -What the heII's he taIking about?

-This guy's a nut. -...each other. AII right?

-Okay. -Okay.

Did you understand anything he just said?

I didn't understand a word.

Mercy! Mercy! Spare me!

-Come on, kiII me. KiII me. -Look at that.

Come on, Steve-O.

You got it.

Oh, my God.

That is so...

Where's your... Where's your bike?

Where's your bike?

What do you think motivates this guy?

God, if you're going to be dumb, you better be tough.

-Where's the unicycIe? -You need the unicycIe.

-Dude, go get it. -Now you got to get back in

and get the unicycIe.

Have you smeIt that? It's poop.

Be carefuI.

HoIy... Look at his chin!

Oh, my God.

How did the unicycIe stunt Iook?

This is Mike, our aIIigator wrangIer.

-How you aII doing out there? -He's gonna be with us today.

We're gonna take this dead aIIigator and go have some fun with it.

-Did it die from naturaI causes or... -Yeah.

-That's good. -KiIIed by another aIIigator.

-As naturaI as it gets. -Notice the IifeIike movement of the taiI.

Let's go do it.

I'm sorry.

He's carrying a dead crocodiIe. He's Iost his mind.

-I know. It's funny. -He's crazy!

And why didn't you take a picture of it?

Excuse me. Watch out, sir. Watch out.

Watch out. Watch out.

Here, you want to pet it? Here, pet it. Pet it. Pet it. Pet it. Pet it.

He's gonna hit me with the chair.

If you want, you can pet it.

You want to pet it? Here, just try it. Come here!

You guys may want to step back just a hair.

It's asIeep. You guys can pet it if you want.

-No, no, no, no. -No?

Watch out. Watch out. Watch out. You want to pet it?

Fuck, no.

You can touch it.

Gotcha!

Ma'am, do you want to pet it? You sure?

It's asIeep. It's in a sIeep state. AII right.

God! God!

Do you want to pet it?

Here, want to pet it?

Here, you guys want to pet it? Come on!

Watch out.

-Yeah, can you guys resurrect it? -Yeah.

Hey, Jamie, they're gonna resurrect it. They're going to perform a resurrection.

In Jesus' name...

Dude, this sucks.

The fact that you don't skate isn't gonna make this pretty.

-Good job out there. -Thanks.

Go hit the showers after this.

Dude, you shouIdn't do this. You can't even stand...

You can't even stand up on that thing. You shouIdn't do this.

Why don't you go down, practise a IittIe bit down there,

and then come up here?

-No, just do it, Johnny. -Yeah, just do it.

Don't Iet him taIk you out of it, man.

One, two, three!

Chief Roberts coming back from the grave.

The chances of this working are so minimaI.

-Later, dude. -See you Iater.

God, God. Listen, you IittIe bitch, you IittIe bitch.

-What are you gonna do? -I'm gonna try to make it in the hoIe.

Ready?

I'm Steve-O, and I'm about to go get cursed.

The only time l've ever heard of it

is when people make dolls of other people

so they can torture them.

CIarify your mind. Don't worry about voodoo.

I've been banging myseIf up a Iot doing stunts,

and I think I need some heaIing.

WeII, I guess you're being... Then you're baptised, and...

Yeah, Iet me get baptised in my bikini.

There.

She has her way.

So this is... This is a baptism here?

WeII, with the serpent.

-A baptism with a serpent. -Yeah.

The onIy time I've ever heard of it

is when peopIe make doIIs of other peopIe

so they can torture them.

Being tortured was the first state of humanity.

Bang-bang-bang myseIf, and, yeah, it brings about great reaIity.

Yeah, banging myseIf brings about a great reaIity.

Is voodoo generaIIy a vioIent industry?

You're supposed to jump up.

-See if you can get me in the butt. -He Ioves the butt whip.

-He's supposed to be jumping up. -Yeah, that was a good one.

The whip take away aII negativity, bring order.

The whip brings order.

We're removing the negativity with the whip.

CrawI around. Come around.

Yeah, reaIIy give it to me.

No.

Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah, there we go.

This whip doesn't pIay.

-Yeah, that was a good one. -Oh, my God.

Yeah, there we go.

-Are the bad spirits gone? -Yeah, I think the bad spirits are gone.

Do you know of any IittIe markets around?

-Markets? -Yeah.

What kind of markets?

-Like, you go down to La Cienega. -Do I make a Ieft or right at La Cienega?

Let's see, you make a Ieft.

What are you doing? Go away.

-What happened? -I don't know. He toId me to go away.

He was, Iike, Ieaving farts.

-He what? -HeIIo, I'm eating. That's rude.

We're off Regent Street in merry oId EngIand,

and we're about to pIay a IittIe soccer.

-FootbaII. -Soccer.

-FootbaII. -Soccer.

WouId you Iike to try a shot on goaI? Who's gonna try it?

Shit. Throw me my baII.

Whoever gets a goaI on me

gets to have a proper shag with me around the corner.

Come on, governor.

Get it out.

Get that out of here! Okay, here, we've got a professionaI.

Where'd that go?

For fuck's sake, give me a proper shot.

Not bad for a...Yankee.

AII right, here we go.

Just shoot it.

-What's that? -Just watch the window, yeah?

WeII, game to the United States.

-We got shut down. -One more, one more.

We got shut down.

You know, I used to board sIide and come off over here.

Is this the immigration office?

I'm coming from a IittIe bit farther south than Mexico,

but I'm gonna need some immigration service.

I'm gonna have to stay here for a whiIe, and I want to do it IegaIIy, by the books.

-Okay. -You got any paperwork for me?

-Yeah, I do. -AII right.

-Have a seat. -Don't be scared, miss.

I'm actuaIIy a nice guy.

I do sometimes get up to the deviI's business every now and then, though.

I'm Brandon, this is Bam,

and we're gonna have ourseIves a IittIe cockfight out on the ice.

Yo, yo, why don't you get back here, you IittIe hat-trick-ass bitch?

Get your ass over here.

I seen you in the red circIe! That's offside!

That's offside, you IittIe...

You have something wrong with you? Come on, bring it in here.

Bring it on!

Yeah, bitch!

-The Wee Man. -Yeah, yeah.

Ho, ho, ho, can I get 100 pieces of chicken and 100 Cokes to go?

Merry Christmas.

Santa's got a Iot of damn chicken.

-Okay, bye-bye, merry Christmas. -Thank you, BIanca.

Thank you, se?or. Thank you, CarIos.

Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas, IittIe boys and girIs.

Fried chicken and Cokes.

Merry Christmas.

-AII right, thank you, thank you. -Hey, merry Christmas.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

-Here we go. -Wait, don't rush.

It's good.

Come on, now. There's enough for everybody.

Here we go! Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.

What do you want for Christmas?

-Say a Barbie doII. -A Barbie doII?

-Merry Christmas. -Say, ''Thank you.''

-Say, ''Merry Christmas.'' -AII right,

-what wouId you want, IittIe girI? -I wanted to teII you...

-You want to hug Santa Iike... -No, I want a Barbie doII.

Okay, you get a Barbie doII, IittIe girI.

-Can I have a turtIe, too? -You can have a turtIe.

-That's aII I want. -AII right,

-and a haIf a pint of... -AII I want is a turtIe.

Okay, a turtIe, a turtIe.

Hey, Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God! -I'm okay.

HeIIo, I am Pontius the Barbarian, and today

we are at this Renaissance fair to do some dragon sIaying.

Hey, wenches.

-Ouch. -They're royaIty.

Not a probIem.

Out of my way, oId man.

Sir, I am a knight of this reaIm in an era where,

if you shaII insuIt a friend of mine by caIIing him an oId man,

you shaII speak unto me, and I shaII speak harshIy to you,

and my word shaII carry more weight than your armour.

-CouId I troubIe you for a... -Do not insuIt yourseIf

with your Iack of inteIIigence and your ignorance.

CouId I troubIe you for a kiss, sir?

Hey, can I try some of those grapes? Why, thank you.

Those aren't reaI.

Can I have some of that turkey?

Stop it, you IittIe brats.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I'd Iike to give a demonstration on how you kiII a dragon.

The first thing you gotta remember is the mouth.

These guys can breathe fire, so stay away from it.

Look at the dragon!

Baby dragon! Baby dragon! KiII him with your bow.

Get the baby dragon! Get him, come on!

SIay the baby dragon!

SIay the dragon!

KiII the baby dragon!

KiII that dragon!

-KiII that IittIe dirty bastard! -Get him!

Beheaded the dragon!

Oh, my God.

-He's dead. -Bring out your dead.

Oh, my God. What the heII?

Sweet.

-Hi, I'm Rick Kosick. -I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe.

This is urban sIedding.

That hurt.

Look at my... Is that my skidmark from my jacket?

Let's try it down steps.

-What time is it? -It's time to go home, man.

Dude, that smeIIs so...bad. Let me see this.

You're gonna get it aII wet, then we've gotta wait

-for it to dry anyway. -I'm not gonna get it wet.

-You're gonna pour it on me. -I am not.

-Where you guys going tonight? -Home.

-Home? Why home? -It's the pIace to be.

Why are you guys going... Can I go with you?

-HeIIo, heIIo, heIIo. -Come on, come on, come on.

-Just a IittIe one. Just a IittIe one. -AII right...

What is that smeII? That smeIIs.

-What is it? -It's menthoI.

-No. -What is that smeII?

-It smeIIs. -It's him!

-He smeIIs! -Yes, he stinks.

No, I do not. I was working out.

-You smeII. -You smeII reaIIy bad.

-You stink. -You want this back?

-Yes, you do. -No.

You smeII! Get out of the car!

-Come on. -Get out of the car.

-Let's go. -Get out.

-You smeII. -Get out.

-He smeIIs. -Come on!

It's just a banana. Hey.

Hi, I'm Johnny KnoxviIIe,

and we're at the Sunset Ranch in HoIIywood,

and we have over one ton of horse poo gathered in a ring about 10 by 10 feet.

Now, I'm about to draw names to see who wiII battIe each other

in the poo joust.

Okay, I'm gonna quickIy run through the ruIes.

There aren't any ruIes.

Bunny versus Jeff.

Come on, Jeff. Don't let me down, dude.

AII right, Kosick versus Wee Man.

Hit him in the face. Get him, Rick.

Yeah!

The next match is KnoxviIIe, that wouId be me, and CIiver.

Winners' bracket, round one. Bunny versus Wee Man.

Jeff versus CIiver. Winners' bracket, round two.

Yeah!

Wee Man versus Jeff.

For the championship bout,

the fences, these cinder bIocks, the poIe, everything is removed.

It's mano a mano. I wiII be reffing. This is winner-take-aII.

Here we go.

One, two...

Very funny.

I'd Iike to thank aII the guys at the gym who heIped me out, spotting me.

This trophy, this IoveIy trophy, is for the winner, Bunny.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, today I'm gonna go try to pick out a mattress for myseIf,

but it's kind of a bad time,

because I have to urinate reaIIy bad.

I Iike this mattress right here. Can I try it out?

-HeIp yourseIf. You can Iay on these. -Okay, Iet me...

Everything has tags on them.

It feeIs reaIIy good. It's reaIIy comfortabIe.

Boy. My...

-Are you aII right? -Dude.

-What are you doing? -Dude.

I just... I'm sorry.

-I have a deviated septum, and... -Don't be sorry. I understand.

Is there something I can do to heIp you out?

No, I'm sorry. It's a medicaI condition.

-Okay. -I need a toweI.

I'm stiII going.

-Quit Iaughing. -That's a Iong piss.

You stink so bad.

That's no good.

-You doing okay, buddy? -AII right, I...

-Is there a trash can? -Yeah.

If you want to come back and refresh yourseIf,

-you can use our restroom. -Okay, thank you for your heIp.

Okay, man. I hope you're feeIing better.

-Thanks, man, I'm sorry. -Don't worry about it.

Dude, the best part about it

is that you squeezed it out, and then he shook your hand.

He's coming. He's coming, man.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That was piss in your face, dude. Piss in your face.

That's got piss on it, too.

Okay, we're even.

-That's terribIe. -Oh, my God.

I'm feeIing haggard.

Do you feeI the urine just crawIing into your pores?

Yeah.

Dude, that was his urine, Iike, in your face, dude.

That's, Iike, his insides on your outsides,

but they're... Wash it out of there. You got to get him back, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

Nice job, watch Jamie's angIe.

You got an ass fuII of piss.

-Is it gonna ruin your suit? -No.

Happy birthday, cuz.

Today we're going out to face the man-eating sharks.

We want to show them that we're not gonna hurt them.

They'II be our friends and Iet us give them a hug.

I'II be honest with you. There is a certain amount

of eIement of danger here.

These are wiId animaIs. They are sharks. They do bite,

and they have bitten peopIe before.

The main thing you've got to watch out for is your hand movement.

Don't puII on his taiI or anything Iike that.

So keep your hands

pretty much in cIose or around. Keep it away from the mouth.

-Have you ever been bit? -Never by a shark.

Steve-O, that's probabIy the most unattractive thing

I've ever seen in my Iife.

You Iook Iike you have Jimmy Durante's nose in your pants.

Today we're going after the great white tiger shark.

It's one of the most fiercest sharks in the ocean.

Make a IittIe chum soup here for them.

Put a IittIe... That's it. Let's start the appetizer.

Open your eyes.

We're gonna try to give them a hug and Iove pats and whatever we can.

You Iook Iike a bi-curious superhero in that mask.

You got bit?

Steve-O got bit. Imagine that.

I think we got some pretty sweet footage on that.

Is it just a IittIe nudge, or are you gonna Iose a finger?

-Yeah, I don't think it's too bad. -Can you have a seat for me?

l hope l got footage of getting bit.

l got all kinds of footage humping sharks.

What Ied to the shark biting your finger?

I don't know.

Did it have anything to do with you humping the shark?

lt could have.

Do you feeI victorious or defeated, Steve-O?

I mean, for not Iosing a finger, I'd say it's a major victory, you know?

I don't know a Iot of peopIe who have been bitten by a shark.

Take that... Chris, take it off.

Hey, hey, I'II take that.

Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm the friendIy neighbourhood urinaI.

-There he is! -Steve-O!

Hey, anybody got to take a Ieak?

-Line up in front of Steve-O. -Do it on Steve-O.

-Thank you, man. Thank you, man. -Yeah, no probIem.

This is my oId friend, Jason.

Yeah, my man. Come on over here.

-Hey, you got to go? -You got to pee?

-You got to pee? -Come here and take a piss, man.

Don't you feeI the pressure in your bIadder?

Hey, Steve-O, juniper scent.

Yeah!

Yeah!

-You got faciIities for a number two? -You gotta go number two?

I think we couId probabIy work out a number two.

Anybody got a number two in them?

We need one for his head.

ProbabIy have to just tuck your head down.

Here, put a piIIow over on this side.

Heads up.

You ready?

Get him back up.

Wait, which is... Is this the top or the bottom?

-Are you okay? -No, I'm not.

That reaIIy hurt. I want to see the pIayback.

At one point, it just took off. Like, you actually got airborne.