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Previously on Vanderpump Rules... I want a real man.

I want a bunch of real men. I want to be a make -out whore.

You're a Nazi slut, you are.

You don't need to...

We're going to Vegas!

Woo!

Vegas is awesome.

Let's ruin everything by like trying to girl

Schwartz!

Sandoval! Are they here?

Tom!

They went on the strip last night. I know.

I couldn't do it.

Hey, where's Sandoval?

I lost Tom. Wait, wait, wait. Like, emotionally?

Physically? All those. All of the above.

Oh, my God, dude.

He's got a beer in his hand. No.

I'm going to bow down to you, dude. You're a machine.

Now that Tom's back, there's something I do want to show you guys. What?

Katie was cool and let me go on the Vegas trip. In return, I felt like I had

do something to show my commitment to her.

What can I do that will last a little longer than flowers?

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

What?

What?

You got the word bubba on your ass? If you go to jail, you're... All right, I

got one, too. Wow. What?

You guys get the two?

Oh, my God, he did get one. Oh, my God. What is it?

What?

Wait, let me see it. Oh, my God.

Up until 4 a .m., I was going to live the rest of my life.

tattoo -free like I have up to this point.

Get out right now.

You're no longer a virgin to the tattoo society.

Does it make you want to get another one?

No. No, not at all, ever.

I mean, there's no other way to say this. That is just, that is f***ing

Ah, dude, stop.

Are we packing?

I'm driving straight to Sir. Oh my God.

Sounds amazing.

It stinks in here. My tattoos suck.

I'm having major anxiety about it. I don't think you're giving her enough

credit. It's cool.

Dude, I'm embarrassed. I don't want to show Ariana. She's not going to love me

anymore. I hate myself.

I'm really hoping that Ariana's going to like the tattoo and put my worries at

ease. I had a great trip. Everything was cool until you guys got those tattoos.

7 o 'clock, two people. I've got you down.

Hi there. I got a text from the boys.

Oh, really? They're on their way home, but I have a feeling that they're going

to be chasing the clock. He's going to be really smelly and really tired, and

his mom's coming into town. When?

Tomorrow.

Oh, that's a good timing. Yeah, really good timing. I hope Tom doesn't stumble

off that struggle bus looking for any sympathy from me because he's not going

get it.

And we're supposed to do that diary show.

So you're reading from an actual diary. One that I found that my mom sent me is

from, like, right when I first showed up to college. My friend Lindsay has been

doing this show where people get up and read from their old journals.

I mean, there's some stuff that I'm like, that's funny and embarrassing, and

then some stuff that's, like, just embarrassing.

I've done a ton of short.

for different comedic websites that all have, like, millions and millions of

views. I'm not a comic who can act. I'm an actress who's funny and understands

comedy. But the Santa Claus doesn't keep, like, a diary. What is he going to

read? Oh, my God. He has, like, notebooks upon notebooks upon notebooks

lyrics. Oh, my God. Well, that's going to be very interesting. I'm excited.

It's going to be fun, but I'm going to get back to work.

What if they come back and they're like, oh, hey, sorry, I know, like, we didn't

want to upset you while we were away, like, but we did, actually. We got

up and we, like, you know. What if Jack's got somebody pregnant?

No, stop.

Well, he wouldn't know yet anyway.

Don't put those things out there. They were good. They were good. They were

good.

Dude, we need to get ready. Where's my backpack?

I didn't bring it. I don't have socks.

I don't have any shorts.

Dude,

my tattoo hurt.

Tweedledee here and Tweedledee idiot with his bacon A. Ariana hates

She's going to hate that. I hate that. I'm all about tattoos.

Hello? Hey, Lisa, it's Peter. How's it going?

Well, we hit some traffic, but we're almost there. We're like two minutes

You're late.

Okay, yeah. No, we're coming. We're coming. I'm coming as fast as I can.

Do you have your uniforms ready? Yes. What did you leave them in some hotel

room? No, we have our uniforms.

Are you clean and ready for work?

Yes. Ish? Clean -ish.

Ish. Hurry up. Got it. We're on it. We're on it. She's not going to like the

we smell.

Lobster brisk is our soup.

The fish of the night is a pan -roasted chelain sea bass.

All right, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, I shouldn't even get out. Oh, my God.

Don't get out. Here you are.

Pizza, that's not ready to go.

Sandville, get in here.

Did you behave yourself? Turn around.

He can't show me. Yeah. Look what he did.

What? Is it appropriate?

Yeah, it's appropriate.

What? Just do it. Just do it. What? He got a tattoo.

Oh, come on. I don't want to see this.

This is the worst tattoo I've ever seen I thought these guys were stupid but

Every time they take stupidity to a whole new level. Is it really busy? I

want you to hug me. Get in there now. Get in there.

Schwartzy, you go home. I want to say hi to Kim. Is it really busy? No. Go on.

No. Okay, I'll send her out. Good to see you. You look amazing.

Don't start sweet -talking me, Schwartzy.

All right, ladies, how are you? There you are, my love. Thank you. Of course.

Oh, come on.

It's a kippy.

It's stinky.

I missed you.

You stink.

Yeah. It was so fun.

We were really well behaved.

Are you sure?

Hey.

Hey. How's it going?

Do you have my money?

What? Didn't you win money in Vegas?

I did.

Yeah, where is it? Right here.

My hand is open, waiting.

No? Uh -uh.

There's not going to be, like, something that comes up where it's, like...

I don't want to drop a bomb on you at work. I did do something kind of stupid.

Actually, there's something me and Schwartz got to tell you.

I tattooed your name on my ass. No, you didn't.

No, you didn't. I did.

I was really drunk. Oh, my God, you did.

Oh, my God.

Bubba.

Oh, my God.

It's a kind of commitment.

It's tender.

I need to put some cream on it or something.

I was really drunk.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Into your nose. Out your mouth.

Oh, my God.

I'm just shocked that he got a tattoo in general because he will faint at the

sight of a needle. I can't believe you got a tattoo.

Mama, do you like it?

I think so. I will say he's screwed if he ever goes to prison.

Mama. I did something bad in Vegas. I did something bad in Vegas, too.

Did you guys get married?

I'll take accountability on this one. You want to stop building it up and go

ahead and just go for it? So I can get my... Is

that a dragon? It's a bad, bad egg.

It's raised a little bit. That's so gross.

Get out of here.

Take it in. I'm sorry.

Why did you ruin your ass like that?

Why would he think that...

He should surprise me with such a thing.

I do really hate it.

I'm never going to want to look at it again.

Dude, it's so cute.

What? Oh, God.

Here, you're going to need this for your laser treatment.

Oh, shit.

Coming up. I've been in therapy for nine months for a reason, mostly about

James. You've got to go in calm.

You can't go in calm. Justin, when am I not calm?

Kristen, really?

Lightning's going to strike.

Money raining all around the world. It's real.

Throw it up and let it all fall.

It's real.

We about to turn it. Hey, ladies.

Hey. Hi. How's it going?

What tattoo did you get?

What do you think?

Schwartz's is awesome. I would get it. It's tasteful. It's nice. It's small. I

think it's great. I just can't believe they did it. I haven't seen either yet.

just heard that Sandoval looked like bacon.

Out of all of the terrible decisions Tom could have made in Vegas.

This is the best of the bad ones.

Peter and I went to bed early. These guys came strolling in. So wait, wait,

wait. You didn't have sex and you went to bed early. And you didn't get a

tattoo. Who are you? I don't know. Someone better go check on hell, right?

you like a changed man?

Is Brittany the one?

I mean. When does Brittany get into town?

Brittany is moving from Kentucky to L .A. to be with me. I guess it really

hasn't sunk in yet.

She's moving in with me. I feel like, yeah.

I feel like she's my girlfriend. I really don't see any other way out of

one. You know the only one who's single right now, shockingly, is Kristen.

I'm glad. I hope she stays single.

She wants to go on dates.

I'm like, let's go to a bar.

Let me be your wingman. Clearly, if anyone knows how to get laid at a bar,

you. And you can always leave with this, hey, man, I can tell you, I know from

experience.

You know, but this is the Kristen that I love. Like, she's, like, getting back

to, like, her old self. There's an issue, though. Tom and I have been

about it. We want to do a joint birthday tree.

Dude, I think we should take a trip for our birthday. I want to do a trip for

our birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't even a realistic possibility last

year. A dual birthday between you guys.

I think we should take a trip that involves the girls. The trips and the

separating of sexes is dumb.

There's an issue, though.

I don't mind Kristen going. I want her to come. I do. I think it'd be fun to

have her.

She's been a lot of fun lately. I agree.

I like hanging out with Kristen because...

Ariana is always doing God knows what with Sandoval, just the two of them. I

feel like I'm cheating on Ariana with Kristen, but the truth is she's a lot of

fun. I just think it's going to be a tough style. And if she can't come, this

going to kill her. Yeah. Let's keep this on the hush for a little bit. My lips

are sealed.

Okay.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, no, we're off. We're just coming in to have dinner. My mom's here.

Yeah, yeah.

That's all right. I know where I'm going.

I'm excited for my mom to see where I live. But obviously, when your mom

you do a little extra mom sprucing up. I put my bong up in the cabinet.

Okay. I don't think your mom will see it. All right, that's good.

Hello, welcome to Sir. How are we doing this evening?

You know her,

my mom?

Yes. How are you? I'll give you a hug. I'm doing good. How are you doing?

great. Good, thank you. I've heard Tom tell some really good stories, but I

to get it from you. My input? Yeah.

When he was in third grade, he comes to me and says, Mom, I want to be in a

talent contest.

Anyway, he goes, I'm going to dance and lip sync and stuff. I said, okay.

There was 25 acts, 24 acts of girls. And Tom, he freaking stole the show.

And took first place.

Yeah.

I've spent lots of time with Tom's mom.

She's a really smart, strong, fun lady to be around.

Tom's definitely not shy.

No. Sometimes.

I grew up in St. Louis. My parents divorced at an early age. She definitely

to have the physicality to be able to separate me and my brother when we would

fight. My mom has always been a real badass.

My toughness.

And a little bit of my cockiness and my perseverance sort of come from my mom.

Oh, hello.

This is my mom, Terry. I'm Terry.

This is Lisa. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.

This is where I get my tough side from.

Tough side.

My mom's a firefighter. A firefighter. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

28 years. Where's your uniform?

Normally I hit on people when they're wearing five. I find them very

I gotta tell you guys a story.

My parents got divorced.

My mom lived in this apartment building.

She closes the door and gets locked out. All of a sudden, it's like Jurassic

Park. It's like, boom!

And I'll never forget. There's my mom.

She's like, boom!

Noren and her flip -flops. I was like... I've done it before.

Why are you such a baby, then?

Having a mother like this, huh? Kind of interesting to me that this woman, who's

kind of heroic, really, she gave birth to this young man that shaves his

forehead and plucks his eyebrows.

Thank you so much. A pleasure to have met you.

Very nice to meet you, too.

So, dude, you missed a lot of debauchery in Vegas. Tom came back with a

souvenir.

I did.

You did what?

I got a tattoo.

Oh, my God. You got to be kidding me.

What kind of tattoo? Where'd you get it? I got it on my butt.

Oh, that's lovely.

And it looks like bacon.

It's real ugly, too. I never thought he'd get a tattoo. Okay, we're going to

have it removed. I will, Ariana. Relax. The fact that the tattoo looks so bad is

deeming it impossible for Ariana to have any sort of appreciation for the

thought behind it.

Don't hurt, too.

Does it? Yeah.

Serves you right there, mister.

Damn it.

Well, well, well, look at you.

Woo!

Hello.

Mwah. Listen, you got your... Big lashes.

You got the boobs going.

You got the big lashes.

Lots of black eye makeup.

You got the sex hair going. Yeah.

Freshly. Freshly. I like that.

I need a cocktail.

Jack has a lot of experience being single and a little flubby. So if I'm

to be single and mingling, I need to know what the players are thinking.

And that's why I need Jack.

Rule number one for dating, no guys in their 20s. Guys don't even know who they

are. They are in their 20s. You need to date somebody who has no job. Because I

have my shit together. I'm not a crazy bitch anymore.

I'm cool.

And I still would really like, which I've expressed to you and Sheena and

Katie, that I would like to have a conversation with Ariana.

And I think you should. It may not be very receptive.

It doesn't matter. It's receptive or not. But I know what I want to say to

Ariana. Like, I have legit things that I want to talk to her about. Like, it's

very simple. I know that she may totally reject me, and that's fine.

Sheena and I have talked a lot. You've got to go in calm.

Myself? Jess, when am I not calm?

Kristen, really?

Lightning's going to strike. I've been in therapy for nine months for a reason,

mostly about James.

I hate James. I hate him. When we have events, when we have gatherings, I don't

want him there. I don't want him there. I now realize that James was my rebound.

I didn't think that he was.

We told you. Everyone told you he was your rebound.

I think single is going to be a great look for Kristen. I really want to see

happy, but to be honest with you, Anything is better than dating James.

a cat, but I know I'm a cat. That's the thing. You are. I'm not trying to

convince you or anyone. Right now, this sells itself.

It's like if you're beautiful, you're going to sell this. The only thing

going to fuck it up is your mouth.

Even if she has to lower her standards, flush him down the toilet, she's going

to make out with at least one person.

Maybe we need to find a guy who shaved before.

Other than his forehead.

The thing is, I've been dating broke musicians for the last eight years, so

last thing that I need is a 24 -year -old mactor that just moved to Los

I'm Jack. Oh, Jack.

How you doing?

Hey, I'm her brother.

Oh, you're a good little family.

What's your story?

Such a polite way of asking what I do for a living.

I actually, no, no, I actually, I want to know what your likes and dislikes

Like, what's your favorite donut?

Dude's got to be taller than me. That is a prerequisite.

If you don't reach 6 '1", like, you're a no -go.

I'm not an actor or a model, so that's good.

Do you need water?

Do you need water?

Coming

up,

whether you're frolicking through a meadow or taking a street, I don't give

Just stay away from me.

Hi.

What the?

I'm like... Did you see that?

How do you think I know? Well, like, he pulls down his pants and says... Well,

he only showed me a little bit of it.

So now you're on his ass. Well, you've been on his tail for a long time. I feel

like at this point he's, like, screwing with me a little bit. You know, for

instance, like, the dog.

What is this? Did you just get... Get a dog.

Wait, come here.

And then, you know, that stupid ring on a string.

Putting a ring on a string. Don't think too much about it. Now the tattoo where

it's like, obviously there's like... What would you rather? Would you rather

tattoo on his ass or would you rather the ring on the string?

Tattoo on the ass.

See, that's better.

One step closer, baby.

Schwartzy has Bubba on his ass.

We could be heading in the right direction.

I don't think he would tell me anyway, would he?

Maybe. He obviously admires you.

He loves me. Are you kidding me?

He's going to ask me before you. Right.

You know what? I would not be surprised. So if I turn him down, then I'll turn

him down. Oh, my God.

Hi, Poppy.

Hi, babe. How are you feeling?

Very little, drunky, skunky last night.

Time to go? Mm -hmm.

You know, me and Lala were bouncing back. We were, like, making out left and

right.

But I still haven't sealed the deal.

So we're good? Everything's cool?

Of course we're good, my love.

You know I don't hold grudges. I forgive and forget so quickly. It doesn't mean

I want to be in a relationship.

He's just fun to make out with.

I had fun, though, with you, babe. I had fun, too. I'm glad we're, like, you

know, back to our little fun time.

We'll always be friends, yeah. I've got one.

Small, small thing.

Oh, God, okay. What did I do? You can do whatever you want. Just stop flirting

with Jax. It makes me livid.

I like who I like, and I don't like who I don't like. I can make my own

judgment.

Lala flirting with Jax annoys me because I feel like I'm just so much better

than him, dude.

I'm so much better than him. He's just such an idiot.

So did you hear about those tattoos that Swartz and Tom got?

No. They got...

Like matching ass tattoos in Vegas, apparently.

Shut up. It happened just now on Peter's trip, yeah. I heard Tom's one's f***ed

up, yeah.

So Sheena ended up inviting me to her little, like, girl slumber party.

Oh, really? Yeah, and we were FaceTiming with the boys and they didn't say

anything about it. So you guys are getting along?

And we all kiss.

What? Yes!

F***ing damn, Gina!

Who's the best kisser?

Sheena, dude.

Really? Tequila makes me make out with anybody. We should go for margaritas

after work.

Hot guy.

Are you having dinner?

I was just, like, in the area, so I was like, I'm going to stop by for good old

times' sake. Are you busy right now? Well, I'm going to try to take a break

minute if you want to come out back for old times' sake. Yeah. Okay, well. Here

we go. All right, there. All right. Okay, there.

All bad feelings or tension, animosity has really dissolved with Kristen.

Hey, I'm glad that we can be cool and not have to pretend like we're

It's white wine spitzer.

There's not a lot of wine.

I was actually just going to ask you, I'm ready for your shocked face, but I

kind of want to talk to Ariana.

I don't know if this is a good place to do it, but I don't know how else I would

ever really run into her, you know? What are you planning on saying, or what do

you want to get out of it?

Honestly, I want to apologize.

I mean, I don't know if it's going to be received very well.

Can't hurt anything?

No, I mean, I'm pretty well aware that she's probably going to tell me to fuck

off. That's fine. I'm not doing it so she and I can be friends, but because

been, like, hanging out with, like, you and Tina and Jax and, like, really

trying to just mend all of, like, the broken bridges.

I'm just happy that you are coming to terms and realizing things. Yeah. So

makes me happy to see that, and I hope you continue to do that because it's a

huge, like, it's like a personal breakthrough. It's scary when you, like,

all that because then it's like, well, is it too late? Because sometimes it is

too late.

I'm actually impressed.

Kristen is trying to right her wrongs, and I think there is something to say

about that. Where is Ariana bartending?

Garden bar.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

Well, good luck.

Thank you so much. You're kind of neat.

Can I grab a drink from you?

I don't really feel comfortable serving you alcohol, to be honest.

I know, I'm sure.

So, I am very well aware that you're probably not going to necessarily be

receptive to this, and that's okay, but I just want to apologize for the way

that I acted.

With everything that went down, I'm not apologizing for being angry or being

upset, but I didn't need to have these long, immature meltdowns, and...

They mean things to you. I was very selfish, though. You know what I mean?

I wasn't... It doesn't really appease any of it.

Really. I mean, I just want to apologize.

I know you were upset about the Mack truck comment, which, to me, was

making a joke. And the wanting me to get hit by a plane or a train. Or, yeah,

whatever. Or a bus. Anything that I said, it just was very, very immature.

And really immature.

I know Ashley speaks louder than words.

And my word is shot to hell because my reputation is not great.

But it's kind of like all I can do.

I'm not trying to be your friend. I'm not trying to be Tom's friend. I don't

think that's appropriate.

No, I mean, my friends are very intelligent, funny, wonderful

people. And I've never seen you be any of those things.

You don't need to throw out insults for having an adult conversation, but if

that makes you feel better, it's fine.

And if apologizing to me makes you feel better and makes you feel like you've

cleared your conscience, then that's great.

Godspeed to you.

Whatever you do in life, whether you're frolicking through a meadow or taking a

street, I don't give a... Just stay away from me. I don't trust your motives. I

don't trust who you are as a person.

You don't have to, but you can do whatever you want.

Just do what I get for me.

Yeah, I just want to apologize.

Great. Good for you. Take care.

Bitch, you fuck.

She's so full of shit. I don't know how anybody could ever believe the words

that come out of her mouth. She's not that smart.

She's definitely calculated.

Well, that went as well as you expected it.

Coming up. For me, I would like for Kristen to come.

She still is a liability.

I know, but I'm not denying that. But it kind of reminds me a little bit of what

was going on with Stassi.

Headshots retouched.

So that's good.

Just wheeling and dealing.

I need to get new headshots, actually.

So this is so cool being here with you guys.

I wish you were here, like, when we weren't busy, so we could, like, go and

do... Do more stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Like, maybe some, like, touristy but fun

I can come out lots of times. I will be, too.

Ariana actually reminds me of my mom in some way. I just feel like they're both

real, straight -up, nobles individuals.

I wish you were going to be able to stay for the improv thing.

So my friend Lindsay, I've known her for years and years. She's been doing this

My Diary show. You're on stage and you're going through like these old

embarrassing diary entries.

Stop. Well, this is a diary show. Is it going to be weird if I read, like, song

lyrics? I don't even know. I've never done anything like this. This one's

bad. Taking in your smell.

Dude. Smell.

I would love to see it. We'll take you to the video. Yeah, we'll take you to

video. I'm doing this show because I definitely have aspirations for acting.

I think I'm sweating already thinking about it. There's that thought in L .A.

It's like...

You can get up on stage somewhere.

It might be that casting director or that talent agent that's in the crowd

can launch you to superstardom. So she asked us for like a photo to use from

period of time that our thing is from. This is from my 22nd birthday party. You

look like one of the Bradys. My very first runway show, Fashion Week Miami,

a men's lingerie show.

What underwear?

They called it a men's lingerie show. So our thing is we have to walk to the end

of the runway and take our shirt off and throw it. And, oh, by the way, the back

of these underwear were here.

You can see my butt crack.

Speaking of butt, are you going to show me this infamous tattoo?

Come on, Tom. Let me see this stupid ass. It's amazing, actually.

Is it? Yeah, the world's not ready for it. I've got to see this.

No way.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Poor Tom. We're picking on Tom,

aren't we? I know, we are.

Makes me feel really good to see you guys together.

I mean, it's like Tom found the right girl.

When I was with Kristen, it was... I felt like, yeah, she was my girlfriend,

she was also, like, my number one, like, hater.

She, like, drank that...

and haterade and would hate on me all the time. She came up to me and gave me

some sort of half -assed apology about how she wants to take responsibility. As

she's telling me it's time for her, that she's taking responsibility, she's in

that moment not taking responsibility. I think you've been really good about

taking the high road.

It gets really frustrating, though, because doing that for so long and then

having friends of mine act like I'm being...

Petty.

I don't know. It's annoying.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what's happening?

Hey, guys. How's it going? I'm Tom.

With the modeling thing, I work consistently, and I really like doing

so much better than bartending.

So much better.

This is for our website, Labeling Men.

So the storyline for this is, the best way to describe it would be a gentleman

in the street and a freak in the sheet.

That's me.

I don't know how comfortable you are with your body because we're definitely

going to need some on top pulling.

I'm very comfortable with it, but the thing is, aesthetically, it's just I'm

in the best shape.

I think we can work with that.

You can maybe airbrush some abs on there.

Listen, when you are a model in Los Angeles and you do a job, they just sort

assume that you have abdominal muscles.

And when I take off my shirt and I reveal my little poochy dead bod, it's

of sad.

Put a little toilet paper in there so they don't get sweaty.

For $8 ,000, don't get bald.

That's what I'm saying.

Keep me, like, straight on.

Yeah, that looks good.

That looks awesome. That looks good.

This is really cool.

This is really perfect.

This is kind of insane.

You're really good at shopping.

That's perfect. Yeah, I love it.

Are you ready to head though again? Yeah, love that. All right. Let's take a

break. I wouldn't mind, you know, taking home some of these lace underwear for

the lady.

You have mascara on. I like it.

No. A little bit. Don't say it. You're like a rock star. I know, but you're not

a rock star. Nothing like a drag queen. You can't wear mascara and have a dad

bod. I know.

Have you spoke much to Tom and Jack about their birthday plan?

No, no. I mean, we just started going over the logistics, but they're going

and forth about who to invite.

I would like for Kristen to come. We've been getting along.

She still is a liability.

I know, but I'm not denying that. But I don't think...

It needs to still be the thing where, you know, Ariana gets, like, her blood

boiled. It's not, like, totally inappropriate for them to be in a group

I hate to say it, but it's kind of...

reminds me a little bit of what was going on with Stassi. How many Ariana

putting themselves in a little bit of that Stassi danger zone where they're

isolating themselves from the group because of their hatred for one person?

Kristen's trying to right her wrongs right now, and I'm going to give her the

chance to, you know, prove herself.

Coming up. You got to stop, like, walking in looking all good. You're a

dangerous girl to be around. Very, very dangerous.

Hello, baby.

Nervous? Yes.

Excited?

Nervous. How you doing?

Good, good.

You guys feel like you're going to puke?

Yeah, I might be like, puke, puke. You're going to rush it. This book has

much lyrical gold. I feel like this will be found with the Dead Sea Scrolls and

be transcribed by people for hundreds of thousands of years.

Should be fun.

Yeah.

Oh, let's stay here.

This should be interesting.

Yeah, I know.

When's Brittany getting in? She's on her way right now. Really? So she's, like,

driving right now? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm hungry.

Right here? Yeah. I'm not really sure what to expect from Sandoval. He doesn't

strike me as the most comedic person. He's more dramatic.

Hello. I'm sure he has some funny deep down inside of him.

Hi, guys.

Hi, bubby. Sweet heckle. Yes, yes.

You're always worried that...

that your friends are going to bomb. And there's nothing worse than seeing your

friends bomb on stage.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to my diary. I'm your host, Lindsay Ainge. So, you know, diary is a

really important part of all of our lives. A lot of people have diaries.

to the show that makes you thank God you burned yours.

Well,

when I was 19, I was the worst at keeping diaries. I'd be like this. Dear

today I had a bagel sandwich.

These are my at -work pet peeves. It's irritating enough to have to wait in

to use the microwave.

But when I see someone walk away with their food in the microwave, it makes me

want to stab their French bread pizza and throw it on the floor.

You have another hand job.

And it's really not that bad.

I've never been to a show where you're getting up and reading out of a journal.

You're going to love me, okay?

If that's what a comedian is, then I can be a comedian too.

Please, please. Put your hands together for Ariana Mona!

I feel a little rusty getting on stage as a live actress, so hopefully people

think my diary is just that pathetic.

Dear Journal, For the longest time, I didn't know what I should write. The

entry is so important, and in case this becomes a movie someday...

I didn't want what I wrote to sound stupid.

I didn't know that was supposed to be funny.

Jenny, she seems really athletic.

I think she may be a lesbian.

Jessica, she's my RA upstairs. She's really loud.

Lesbian.

I know Ariana, but what I'm learning, and I never realized before, is that she

thinks everyone's a lesbian.

There are Wiccans on my floor that scare me, and there are so many lesbians. Ah!

So that's that for me.

Give it up for Ariana!

It feels really good to be on stage again.

I think people thought I was funnier than I thought, but they were going to

think. Please put your hands together for Tom Sandoval!

I've never actually written in a diary before. But I have a diary here that my

friend got me for all my amazing lyrics that I've written over the years. I

mean, these are some major gems.

Some political shit, yo.

All right, here we go.

You give me fear but no truth in... Wait, no, wait, hold on. Hold on.

You give me fear but no proof, and then you twist the truth. So you just send in

your troops, and now you're stuck to the roof.

Solid borders are new, but you can get right through. If we make a soldier of

you, then we can easily lose.

This is where it gets really good.

Exploding car like an exploding heart.

Guided missiles are smart, but some presidents aren't.

It's one world, but we decide to exist apart.

One more and just for another to start.

Now for my grand finale, the moment no one has been waiting for. I got one of

the worst tattoos in history, thinking it would be an amazing idea.

It's actually real.

Drink it up, folks.

Um, the bacon A is for our private shame, not for the world to see.

You guys.

Hi.

Hi. You're so funny.

I'm glad you liked it.

He wants one too. No, no, no, no, no. I was so nervous.

Listen, um, tomorrow night, she and I are going to go have drinks. Do you want

to come? I'll let you guys talk.

I'll be right back.

Do you want to come have drinks with us? Yeah, I do want to come have drinks

with you.

It's a drink.

Harmless. You gotta stop walking in looking all good.

It makes it really hard for somebody like me. You're such a... You're a very

dangerous girl to be around.

Yeah. You're very dangerous.

Hello, babe. How are you?

You want another drink?

Yes. Thank you.

I'm gonna go have a drink, all right? There's no competition when it comes to

and Jax, primarily because I'm better than him in everything in life.

What does that mean?

It's your life. It's your... You do what you want to do.

I think I'm the female version of you.

If, like, you and I were together, right? Uh -huh.

Hypothetically. I feel like we would connect.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Cheers.

Cheers. One second.

Hi. Thanks.

So, Friday, then?

Do you want to come and have drinks with us? Yeah, I do. Jax, I heard Brittany

was coming back in town today.

Yeah. Not today, Friday. Oh, not today, Friday.

That's why we're all going out. Oh, cool.

He's a child. He's a man.

He's a child.

We're not talking about him. We're talking about... Brittany's not coming.

Okay.

I just... Shoot.

He gets him out of the way. If he's a confident guy, then why does he have to

come and overcompensate?

I don't have to kiss you in front of me.

Well, you'll just have to kiss me in front of him. Shoot.

That's just the way it works, you know?

Flirting with Jack.

I see no conflict.

I'm sure there are many girls out there that may think that he is their

boyfriend. But that's not really my problem.

Do you guys want to go back to Miles and have a cup of beer? Sorry, I'm not

trying to be a Debbie Downer, but I have to go to Sir. I know you guys are all

so jealous. You have cheese on your chin.

Hi, guys.

Thanks for coming, man.

Wait for me.

Coming up. You're trying to act like I'm a...

I

can't

get over the amount of lesbians that are at your college. And Wicca chicks. Like

I said, I thought someone was going to find that journal and turn it into a

movie. So me and Jack have talked about possibly doing a joint birthday trip.

The hard part of this whole thing is to guess what. I don't want James.

I'm okay with James coming. Okay, here's the kicker.

The elephant in the room here. There was a slight argument for Kristen.

I don't even know why we would even talk about that.

It definitely wouldn't make anybody's trip more fun. That's for damn sure.

I mean, she is a liability. You can't say that she's a liability.

She is a liability. James is it? Okay, we'll keep it work -related. Work

-related. Go to my mother... Ex -girlfriend. I don't understand why

mad. You're getting angry for no reason. I think it was a hypothetical because

they figured enough time had passed.

You know who gets to decide how much time has passed?

No, no, no. Not her, not you, not you, not any person on this planet. Me.

It's common knowledge that Kristen is an emotional and mental liability.

Why am I being questioned? If you legitimately think that, like, there is

something wrong with my reasoning, I have to pass immediate judgment on you.

Okay, stop it. Hardcore. What do you mean, okay, stop it?

No, but I don't like that. Am I giving you ultimatums, Katie? Are you kidding

me? No, but I don't like someone saying they're going to pass judgment on me.

No, I have to. I'm sorry. I pass judgment on people that can't get over

people have amnesia?

Did they drink some strange Kool -Aid? You try to act like I'm an ass because

I'm having a birthday and I don't want to invite her.

Then why are you even bringing it up?

She's not my wife. All we did was bring up the name and look at this reaction.

You didn't bring up the name. Kristen doesn't have that power over me anymore.

I'm wanting to have a conversation, but if you're going to scream your head off

to me, then you've already lost the argument.

But look at you now.

Oh my God, Katie, shut up about look at you now.

Look at you now. Stop.

You're trying to act like I'm a psycho because I don't want Kristen to go on a

birthday trip with me. And I'm actually pissed off that you would suggest that.

Look at you now, mother.

Don't do not compare me to Stassi. Because you guys are acting like

about it. It takes so much more energy to hold a grudge. So Tom and Ariana

should just let her go.

Next

time

on Vanderpump Rules.

Hi, baby. Hi.

This is why you shouldn't have a girlfriend.

I made it. You made it. You've been doing this one already.

I text Jack at like 3 in the morning. I just said, come get in my bed.

I think I've finally done something right.

Really?

Get that ring on her finger and walk her down the aisle as soon as possible.

I got the ring, orchestrated it. I can feel my heart rate.

I can't breathe.