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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,336
(funeral march):
* Men, men, men, men
2
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:07,075
* Men, men, men,
men, men, men, men. *
3
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,076
Hello.
4
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,544
I'm Charlie's brother Alan.
5
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,780
I want to thank you all
for coming.
6
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:13,781
I know this is
7
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,749
a very sad day
for all of us.
8
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,051
Speak for yourself.
9
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,588
Okay.
10
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:25,759
Uh, I understand that some of
you have "mixed feelings."
11
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:29,663
Um... but I think
we can all agree
12
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,765
that Charlie lived life
to its fullest
13
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,901
and-and gave it
everything he had.
14
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,569
Gave me herpes.
15
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,073
Chlamydia.
16
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,841
Vaginal warts.
17
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,946
Excuse me, this is my dead
son we're talking about.
18
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:49,217
I loved him and I'm
devastated that he's gone,
19
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:53,020
leaving me with nothing but
my memories and my regrets
20
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,489
and the listing for his
beautiful beachfront
21
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,225
Malibu getaway
with three bedrooms
22
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,926
and three and
a half baths
23
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,562
and a beautiful
panoramic ocean view.
24
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,996
(sniffles)
25
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,633
Help yourselves to brochures
out by the coffee urn.
26
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,702
Thank you, Mom.
27
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,104
Um, anyway...
28
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,840
Open house is Sunday,
1:00 to 5:00.
29
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,244
Okay.
30
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:20,781
Um, I'd like to take a moment
to talk about my brother,
31
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,217
um, and his incredible love
for life.
32
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,919
He also loved being spanked.
33
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,988
While wearing
my panties.
34
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,692
He used my panties to make tea.
35
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:41,235
M-My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms
36
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,805
and-and never apologized
for who he was.
37
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,006
Yeah, blah,
blah, blah.
38
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,708
Why can't we
see the body?
39
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,012
Yeah, I didn't come all this way
to spit on a closed coffin.
40
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,014
Okay, I understand how you feel,
41
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:57,251
but unfortunately due to the
circumstances of his passing,
42
00:01:57,318 --> 00:02:01,155
the remains aren't exactly...
spit-able.
43
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:03,724
I have a question.
44
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,159
O-Okay.
45
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,928
Uh, I wasn't planning on
doing a Q and A,
46
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,197
uh, but go ahead.
47
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,831
Thank you.
48
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,701
Charlie owes me $38,000
for some,
49
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,203
let's say, pharmaceuticals.
50
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,972
Who do I talk to about that?
51
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,609
Uh, well, I think
that's something
52
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,076
you'll have to discuss
with the lawyers.
53
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,077
Yeah.
54
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,814
I'd rather not involve the law.
55
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,918
And now, uh, I thought
we'd take this moment
56
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,188
to hear from the person who was
with Charlie at the end.
57
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,999
Thank you, Alan.
58
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,671
Charlie Harper was
the love of my life
59
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,940
and a wonderful, wonderful man.
60
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,775
(sneezes):
Selfish pig.
61
00:02:56,444 --> 00:03:00,047
Sure, our relationship had
its ups and downs
62
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,082
and the occasional
restraining order.
63
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,851
But at the end,
64
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:08,822
we ran away together to Paris,
where he asked me to marry him.
65
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,758
I said yes.
66
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:14,362
And the next few days
were the happiest of my life.
67
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,196
Nothing could spoil it.
68
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,131
Not even when I came home
from shopping
69
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,901
and found him taking a shower
with another woman.
70
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:21,902
(crowd murmuring)
71
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,838
That's our Charlie.
72
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,109
But I forgave him
73
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,280
because I loved him
unconditionally.
74
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,916
So you can imagine my horror
when, the very next day,
75
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,318
he slipped on the Metro platform
76
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,320
and fell in front of
an oncoming train.
77
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,924
Never cross a
crazy woman.
78
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:48,161
I just want you all to know
that Charlie didn't suffer.
79
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:52,300
His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
80
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,103
Thank you.
81
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,809
I'm hungry.
82
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,177
Anyone else hungry?
83
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,180
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
84
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,950
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
85
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,120
* Men.
86
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,859
Charlie was the best boss
I ever had.
87
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:22,563
I needed a day off,
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
88
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:23,831
I needed a couple
89
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,366
extra bucks,
90
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,768
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
91
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,738
All he ever asked in return
was clean sheets
92
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,908
and hosing the vomit off the
occasional drug-addled hooker.
93
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,549
What a beautiful story.
94
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,352
Can I count on you to keep
the house clean till I sell it?
95
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,454
Can I count on you
to keep paying me?
96
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,922
Well, there's virtually no money
in Charlie's estate,
97
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,425
but I'll be happy to pay you
once the house sells.
98
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,462
Then that's when I'll clean it.
99
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,996
I still don't see
why we have to sell.
100
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,465
I mean, he left it to me.
101
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,899
Obviously, he wanted me
to have it.
102
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,868
Can you make
the mortgage payments?
No.
103
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,703
Can you pay the property tax?
104
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,838
Not per se.
105
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,907
But I was kind of hoping
you'd help out.
106
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,643
I mean, after all, your grandson
lives here part-time.
107
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,979
(farts)
108
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:16,350
Good job raising him.
109
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:20,354
Uh, darling, I can't afford
to maintain my house
110
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,089
and your house
at the same time.
111
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,757
But you're my mommy.
112
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:28,462
Good job raising him.
113
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:31,632
Once I sell this place,
you can come live with me.
114
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,133
But why would I have to?
115
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,935
I mean, won't I get
a lot of money from the sale?
116
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,372
Oh, please. Charlie had
three mortgages on this place.
117
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,908
Once we deduct closing costs
and escrow fees
118
00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:43,076
and my commission,
you'll be lucky to break even.
119
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,945
Wait a minute, you're planning
to take a commission?
120
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,079
She doesn't work for free.
121
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,581
Why should I?
122
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:55,022
Don't think those silent ones
are fooling anybody.
123
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,390
* Men.
124
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,459
(doorbell rings)
125
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,961
Hi. I'm here
for the open house.
126
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,496
Of course. Come right in.
127
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,731
Thank you.
128
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,667
Three bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
129
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,403
60 feet of prime
Malibu oceanfront.
130
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,605
Wait a minute, I
know this place.
131
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:12,940
This is Charlie Harper's place,
right?
132
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:13,941
It was.
133
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,008
Then I can't buy it.
134
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,744
Uh...
135
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:17,745
What? Why?
136
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:18,879
Bad memories.
137
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,548
Charlie and I had this
138
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,916
drunken threesome with a crazy
chick right on this couch.
139
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,585
Sounds like a good memory.
140
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,654
Yeah, well,
unfortunately she passed out
141
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,656
and Charlie and I
kept going without her.
142
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,825
Bad memory.
143
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,796
Oh, the feng shui is great.
144
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,666
I mean, the place just
oozes positive energy.
145
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,637
It's not practical.
146
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,606
The commute downtown
would kill me.
147
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:46,874
Don't worry, sweetie.
148
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,208
Just let the universe provide.
149
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,077
The universe doesn't provide,
I provide.
150
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,513
I bust my ass 80 hours a week.
151
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:53,881
Uh-oh.
152
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,550
Sounds like somebody
needs to meditate.
153
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,918
Uh-oh.
154
00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,887
Sounds like somebody needs
to file for divorce.
155
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:00,988
Really?
156
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,723
You want to play that card?
157
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,925
'Cause I will take you and
your uptight bourgeois family
158
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,127
for every penny you've got.
159
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,195
Bye-bye!
160
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,033
Bye-bye!
161
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,638
What a fun couple.
162
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,541
* Men.
163
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:21,942
(doorbell rings)
164
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,244
Sorry, the open
house is over.
165
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,047
I got a package
for Alan Harper.
166
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,248
Oh, uh, that's me.
167
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,783
Sign here.
168
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,852
Ooh, how exciting.
169
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:34,855
Wonder what it is.
170
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:37,257
It's from a crematorium,
171
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,593
so that kind of
narrows it down.
172
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,796
That's, uh,
that's my brother.
173
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:46,299
Berta,
Charlie's here!
174
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,568
Thank you.
175
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:48,769
Enjoy.
176
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,202
Well...
177
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,171
here we are, buddy.
178
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,542
Just like old times, huh?
179
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,612
I'm talking and you're
in a bottle ignoring me.
180
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:41,421
I, uh, I wanted to tell you,
uh, that I loved you,
181
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,858
and I will miss you,
182
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:50,430
and I will always be grateful
for you taking Jake and me in,
183
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:53,433
letting us live here
all these years.
184
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:59,406
So, now the question is...
185
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,909
what do we do with you?
186
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:05,512
I know what you said
you wanted, but...
187
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,547
I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree
188
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,617
to swallow your ashes.
189
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,756
Um, I-I could take you with me
to live at Mom's,
190
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,425
but that's how
horror movies start.
191
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,931
Hey.
192
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:27,234
Maybe I could sprinkle you
on the beach.
193
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,603
I mean, it's simple,
it's dignified,
194
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,471
and pretty girls
covered with oil
195
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:34,875
will be sitting on you all day.
196
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,944
Kind of like your life.
197
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,948
Except for the dignified part.
198
00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:46,453
All right.
199
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,888
(sighs)
200
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,957
Well...
201
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,260
(sighs)
202
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,296
I guess now is
as good a time as any.
203
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,566
(screams)
(screams)
204
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,978
I ain't cleaning him up.
205
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,046
* Men.
206
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:16,684
* Men.
207
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,886
Can I use your phone?
208
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,053
Sure.
209
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,388
I guess.
210
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,957
Are you okay?
211
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,492
Yeah, I'm fine.
212
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,295
I was just trying
to drown myself.
213
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,397
Wait, you-you tried
to commit suicide?
214
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,934
Yeah. But I had no idea that
the water would be that cold.
215
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,304
Suppose I could've
worn a wet suit,
216
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,039
but who tries to commit suicide
in a wet suit, right?
217
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:41,608
That phone right there?
218
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,609
Oh, yeah, yeah.
219
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,812
Thank you.
220
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,613
Uh, you got a towel?
221
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,915
Oh, sure.
222
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,317
Thanks.
223
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,356
Hi. It's me.
224
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,728
I want you to know that I just
flung myself in the ocean
225
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,796
'cause I can't live without you.
226
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,400
No, I'm not calling you
from the ocean.
227
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,603
Because it was cold.
228
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,973
I don't...
I'm in some guy's house.
229
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,474
Um, Alan Harper.
230
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,644
I am in Alan
Harper's house.
231
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,947
How about it?
Will you take me back?
232
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,816
Are you sure?
233
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,819
You heard what I said
about the ocean, right?
234
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,357
Okay, fine.
I'll stop bothering you.
235
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,626
But I want you to know that I
will love you forever and ever.
236
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,796
Really?
237
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,097
That bothers you?
238
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,102
Okay. Bye.
239
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,806
You got a wet suit?
240
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,541
Oh, come on.
It... it can't be that bad.
241
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,443
It could be.
You don't know.
242
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,146
No, no, I do.
243
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,882
Come on. Come on.
Sit down. Sit down.
244
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,784
Listen.
245
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,552
I have been
where you are--
246
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:02,155
uh, rejected,
friendless, broke.
247
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,523
I'm not broke.
248
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,058
I'm worth, like,
a billion dollars.
249
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,061
Beg pardon?
250
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:11,731
1.3 is what her lawyer says,
but I would give up every penny
251
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:14,667
if she would take me back.
252
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,070
No, no, no.
You don't want to do that.
253
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:21,174
Uh... I think you can find a lot
of girls for way less money.
254
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,642
I don't want other girls.
255
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:23,911
I want Bridget.
256
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,612
Right. Right.
257
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,614
Um, just to clarify, um,
258
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,818
did you say "billion"
with a "buh?"
259
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:31,952
(sighs)
260
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,553
Listen, trust me.
261
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,588
Money does not
buy happiness.
262
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:39,092
I wouldn't know.
I've never had either.
263
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,028
Come on.
You're doing all right.
264
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,030
You're living in
a beach house in Malibu.
265
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,197
I have to sell it.
266
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,765
And it's not even mine;
it's his.
267
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,003
His?
268
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,972
That's my dead brother.
269
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,473
Oh.
270
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,043
I'm sorry I made you spill him.
271
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,677
That's okay. That's okay.
272
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,512
I'll DustBust him later.
273
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,848
You know what?
274
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,115
I'll get out of your way.
275
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,884
Thank you for letting me
use your phone.
276
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,718
Wait, hang on.
You sure you're okay?
277
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,588
Yeah. I'm just going to go back
to my hotel room
278
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,524
and update my Facebook status
to "not dead yet."
279
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,626
Wait, wait, wait. I...
I just went to one funeral.
280
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,628
I-I don't want to be involved
in another one.
281
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:19,632
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
282
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,701
About what?
283
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,103
Oh, I don't know.
284
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,737
The weather, politics.
285
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,706
Why somebody would want
to kill themselves
286
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,042
when they have
a billion freaking dollars.
287
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,078
Come on.
288
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,746
We'll, uh, put your clothes
in the dryer.
289
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,883
All right.
290
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,086
Oh, by the way...
291
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,655
I'm Walden.
Walden Schmidt.
292
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,724
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Walden Schmidt.
293
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,960
Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose
there's no reason
294
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,562
you can't undress right
here in the living room.
295
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,998
Oh, Skivvies coming off, too.
296
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,600
Okay. Okay, well, uh,
no body issues.
297
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,668
Lucky you. That's...
298
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,038
You're a good guy,
Alan Harper.
299
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,873
Oh, and he's a
hugger as well.
300
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,541
Okeydokey.
301
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,576
I'll be right back.
302
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,115
$1.3 billion,
303
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,551
and he's hung like an elephant.
304
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:14,021
* Men.
305
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,056
Uh, I will have
an appletini.
306
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,925
Uh, and, um...?
307
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,660
Oh, uh, ginger
ale, please.
308
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,129
Really?
309
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,663
Fresh off
a suicide attempt,
310
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,132
and you're ordering
a ginger ale?
311
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,767
Yeah. I don't like
the taste of alcohol.
312
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,269
Nobody likes
the taste of alcohol.
313
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,271
We like the effects
of alcohol.
314
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:35,042
How it makes you feel tall,
good-looking and smart.
315
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,977
I am tall, good-looking
and smart.
316
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,815
Give him an appletini.
317
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,553
So, just out of curiosity,
318
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,789
how does someone get
to be worth so much money?
319
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,925
Oh, it's pretty
simple, really.
320
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,927
You ever hear of
Blungogo.com?
321
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,128
No.
322
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,596
And you never will,
323
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,131
because Microsoft
bought it from me
324
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:01,634
for $1.3 billion, and
then they bundled it
325
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,004
with their iPod
killer, the Zune.
326
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,707
Really?
327
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,742
I don't think it
came with my Zune.
328
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,878
You bought a Zune?
329
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,681
I had a coupon.
330
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,815
Cheers?
331
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,317
Oh. Cheers.
332
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,653
(both groan)
333
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:26,326
So, don't take this
the wrong way,
334
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:30,097
but I can't get the image
of your penis out of my mind.
335
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,035
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
336
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,771
* Men.
337
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,741
You don't understand.
338
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,611
Bridget was my
high school sweetheart.
339
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,047
She was the love
of my life.
340
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,615
So why'd she leave you?
341
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,083
She catch you
with another woman?
342
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,985
No.
Sex no good?
343
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,120
No, it was great.
344
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,387
Are you sure?
345
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,922
'Cause sometimes
they'll tell you it's good,
346
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,124
and then you
find out later
347
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,691
they hated
the very touch of you.
348
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,331
Happened to a guy I know.
349
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:10,903
Well, she said that I was
emotionally immature.
350
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,172
You mean like
threatening suicide
351
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,774
unless she
takes you back?
352
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,177
That is not immature;
that's romantic.
353
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,280
Shut up.
354
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,649
Well, regardless, I-I know
what you're going through.
355
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,417
I mean, I married
my college sweetheart,
356
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,753
and when she divorced me,
I was devastated.
357
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,021
Why did she leave you?
358
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,923
Not a clue.
She's a crazy bitch.
359
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:34,194
The point is,
when life serves you
360
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,729
ball breakers
who rip your heart out,
361
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,899
you have to make...
362
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,302
ball breaker-ade.
363
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,437
Bridget never
broke my balls.
364
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,973
If anything,
she treated them
365
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,342
with tenderness
and respect.
366
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,445
Okay. Okay,
just for tonight,
367
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,214
will you... will you
forget about Bridget
368
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,049
and-and just try
to meet somebody new?
369
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,750
Like who?
370
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,286
I don't know.
371
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,256
How about...
how about her?
372
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,724
Really?
373
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,159
What would I say?
374
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:10,797
Uh, well, I would not lead
with the testicle anecdote.
375
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,834
Just... just say hi.
376
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,736
Okay.
377
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,371
Hi.
378
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,972
Hi.
379
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,875
I'm Walden.
Kelly.
380
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,184
So, Kelly...
381
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:42,262
My... wife dumped me,
and I want to die.
382
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,366
Oh, you poor baby.
383
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:52,339
(sobbing):
I love her so much.
384
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,275
I... I don't...
385
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,744
Whew! I don't know...
386
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,747
if I can ever
love anyone
387
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,049
the way
that I love her.
388
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,389
That's the most beautiful thing
that I've ever heard.
389
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:14,294
Oh, it'll be okay.
390
00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:27,974
Oh, God, I miss my wife!
391
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,976
* Men.
392
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,211
(ladies chuckling)
393
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,912
Here is where I live.
394
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,147
Oh.
395
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,515
Nice.
396
00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:39,352
Just me and my broken heart.
397
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:42,489
Alan, I... I think
I should go back to my hotel.
398
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,056
Are you nuts?
399
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,492
We're doing great.
400
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,395
This crap about loving
our exes is gold.
401
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,297
My brother
would be so proud.
402
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,132
What, the dude in
the DustBuster?
403
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,934
Yeah.
404
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:58,070
Ah. Uh, ladies, uh,
who's up for a libation?
405
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,306
A what?
Huh?
406
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,374
A... a drink-- alcohol.
407
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,042
Sure.
Great.
408
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,378
Oh. Be right back.
409
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,253
What's upstairs?
410
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,588
I don't know.
Probably a bedroom.
411
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,124
Why don't we
go find out?
412
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,526
Uh... okay.
413
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,830
Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan
where we're going?
414
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,398
No.
No.
415
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,502
Who's ready for margaritas?
416
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:31,938
WALDEN:
Wow!
417
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,342
One at a time, ladies!
One at a time.
418
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,377
(ladies giggling)
419
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,979
Well, this is depressingly
familiar.
420
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,983
Shut up.
421
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,885
* Men.
422
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,156
* Men.
423
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,525
Morning.
424
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,996
Oh, good golly.
425
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,366
Oh, uh, I'm Walden.
426
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,134
I'm impressed.
427
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,373
Oh. Alan.
428
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,042
Guess what.
429
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,612
I had sex with two girls
last night.
430
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:17,016
Great. Um, I masturbated
and cried myself to sleep.
431
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,419
I like my night better.
432
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,121
Oh, hey.
433
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:24,056
I dig your house,
so I'm going to buy it, okay?
434
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,458
Oh, okay.
435
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,093
Thanks.
436
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,160
You're the best.
437
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,030
Oh... ah.
438
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,699
Whoa.
439
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,740
Um, this is Walden.
440
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,777
He's going to
buy the house.
441
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,647
Welcome
to my humble abode.
442
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,122
I like him.
443
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,791
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
444
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:02,562
The all-new VOLKSWAGEN Jetta.
It's great, for the price
of good. That's das auto.
30008
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