Original subtitles

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

Rose is getting married.

And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddie.

Who moves you, Rose, him or me?

I love Manny.

Fine.

You just say the word and I'll go.

Time's up.

Charlie, I am willing to let you get in

on the ground floor

of an amazing business opportunity.

How much is this going to cost me?

$5,000.

Okay, fine, I'll give you the five grand,

knowing full well that I'll never see it again and wishing that it was you.

How much?

I think I'll need...

$10,000.

All right.

Although I could make due... All right?!

How much are we talking about?

$15,000.

Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.

Tell you what-- let it ride.

Really?

Hey, a 20% return in a couple of weeks? Come on.

So listen, can anybody get in on this deal of yours?

You ask for money and they just give it to you!

And then you take the new money and use it

to pay back some of the old money,

but they don't want it back.

And they give you more.

'Cause they're greedy.

Oh, God, what have I done?!

* Men.

Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack and an apple turnover.

(door slides open)

Do you want fries with that?

Sorry. I didn't realize there was anybody in there.

Um, bless me, Father, for I have sinned?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Telling you?

I-I'm sorry. I just not really sure of the rules.

When was your last confession?

Oh, wow, let's see...

uh, that would be... never?

Are you even Catholic?

No, but I'm a big fan.

The costumes, the music, crackers and wine.

That's the body and blood of our Savior.

I know! Mm-mm good!

You guys ever think

about putting that in supermarkets

like a Lunchable?

What can I do for you, my son?

Oh, right to it.

Okay, just to be clear,

what I tell you is between you and me.

And the Lord.

Sure, but I'm not worried

about him blabbing.

You I just met.

Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.

Whatever you say here is confidential.

And I just drank a huge Arnold Palmer,

so could you get to it?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Uh, uh, here it is.

Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?

I do. Are you an investment banker?

No, I'm a chiropractor.

A chiropractic Ponzi scheme.

Okay, you piqued my interest.

Okay, long story short,

I chiseled my family out of a lot of money

that they're never going to see again.

And you're feeling guilty.

Bingo.

Hey, bingo-- that's your racket, right?

Yeah, that's us.

You've got to like a god

that's willing to put the hustle on old ladies.

Arnold Palmer's on the 18th hole.

Right, right, sorry, sorry.

So I was hoping that you could forgive me.

Are you prepared to make restitution

and confess what you've done to your family?

Oh, God no.

I was just hoping you could give me a few Hail Marys

and I could make a donation to the church's legal defense fund.

Win-win.

I'm afraid that's not how absolution works.

You have to make an act of contrition

and then do penance.

Do I get to keep the money?

No.

Huh.

Uh, you know what?

Um, I'm just going to mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom

and see what their deal is.

I'll get back to you.

Oy vey.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Wow.

Yeah.

That was incredible.

More than incredible--

it was transcendental.

This is where I was always meant to be, Rose--

right here in your arms.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Charlie.

Now get out.

So soon?

Manny will be home any minute.

But I want to cuddle.

You want us to get caught?

This isn't fair.

The two of us sneaking around

so we can spend an hour together.

But what can I do?

I have a husband.

Let's go away for the weekend.

Just the two of us.

Where?

I don't care.

Someplace where we can walk down the street holding hands.

Where we can laugh together, play together,

yell at the top of our lungs and not care who hears us.

So, Disneyland?

I was thinking more in terms of someplace with liquor, but...

That's Manny's car.

I didn't hear anything.

It's a Prius.

Just think about it, okay?

A romantic weekend with nothing for us to do

but make love and be together.

And, you know, drink.

Yay.

After all these years,

I finally get a weekend with Charlie.

Did you hear that, hubby?

Up top.

* Men.

Think, damn it.

There's got to be a way to lose the guilt and keep the money.

BAD ALAN: There is.

Leave me alone.

You've made enough trouble for me already.

Oh, quit your bitchin'.

And for God's sake, stop washing your hands like Lady Macbeth.

I have to wash my hands. I just peed.

So?

So what if I don't wash

and then shake somebody's hand?

Screw 'em. They were probably picking their nose.

Now listen to me-- you've got to grow a pair.

I've got a pair.

You've got a pair of panties.

Hey, you can't talk to me like that.

And stay away from that darn priest.

I need somebody to talk to.

That's what I'm here for. Dad?

Hey, buddy.

Is there somebody in there with you?

Oh, no. Nobody but me. See?

Then who were you talking to?

Oh, I was just singing.

That wasn't singing.

Who are you, Simon Cowell?

What do you want?

I need to borrow 50 bucks.

Oh, oh, sure.

The reason I need it is, me and Eldridge

went to visit this friend of ours

who's in the hospital, but he forgot his book on the bus,

so I lent him mine, but wouldn't you know it, he lost that one, too.

So now I have to buy two math books

'cause he's broke, and there's this big math test coming up

and we were going to study together for it.

Oversold it, didn't I?

* Men.

(chuckling)

What's funny?

Rose is at a dinner party with her husband

and she's sexting me from under the table.

Sexting?

It's like regular texting, but, you know, dirty.

You see, that's not a smiley face.

Charming.

Um, listen, I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, sure. What's up?

(test message chimes)

Oh, you bad girl.

You know that money you gave to me

to invest in my business?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, here's the thing.

I-I know I said I was going to buy advertising... Oh, I almost forgot.

I told Rose about how well you're doing for me,

and now she wants in.

She does?

Oh, yeah. And she's loaded, too.

Huh.

So what did you want to talk about?

Uh...

Just that we're making money up the wazoo.

So you're going to need a bigger wazoo.

That's great.

(text message chimes)

(chuckles)

Oh, man, she's not wearing any underwear.

She texted you that?

Sent me a picture.

Excuse me, but I gotta respond.

Uh, let me just give you some privacy.

Where you going?

Who's gonna take the picture?

* Men.

So, Rose, I appreciate your interest,

but things are going incredibly well.

Yeah, I can barely handle

the volume of patients I have now.

Really? $30,000?

Take it. Take it! Shh, shh.

We could get a new car.

Maybe one with a working radio--

and brakes.

You know what, Rose?

We've been friends a long time,

so I'm going to make an exception here.

You're welcome.

Can you wire the money over today?

I can give it to you right now.

Whoa!

You surprised me.

Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan.

What are you doing?

Oh, what do you mean?

I'm-I'm just taking a break between patients.

Oh, uh, uh...

Chiropractic X-ray glasses.

Cutting-edge stuff.

Oh, please.

There's nobody in the waiting room.

You don't even have a receptionist.

Oh, she's off. It's a Jewish holiday.

Which one?

Hava-na-kuchnik.

What are you doing here?

Did you really think I was going to invest

without doing my due diligence?

Everybody else did.

Now I know what's really going on.

No, you don't.

You're stealing from your own family.

Oh... I guess you do.

Shame on you.

A whistle blower.

This could be problematic.

* Men.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

She's gonna tell Charlie.

Charlie's gonna tell Mom then Berta

then Herb then Judith.

Oh, my God-- Judith.

Gotta be something that I can do. There's got to be.

BAD ALAN: As long as you're sitting on the toilet,

why don't you whip out your lady parts and tinkle?

You-- this is all your fault!

I didn't hear you bellyaching when you were

sitting in your office watching 3-D beach babes.

Excuse me, but I am about to go to jail!

You know what happens to pretty, slender fellas in jail?

Yeah, they usually hang themselves

after their first shower.

But relax.

Rose ain't gonna tell nobody nothin'.

Way I see it, you've got as much on her as she's got on you.

You're right.

She's cheating on her husband.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

She tells on me, I tell on her.

Criss-cross, apple sauce.

I got nothing to worry about.

Herky-jerky, where's your turkey?

Why do you keep talking like that?

I'm looking for a catch phrase.

BERTA: Zippy?

Flim-flam, you're in a jam.

Oh, hey!

Somebody in there with you?

Oh, no, no.

Um, how can I help you?

Just brought your clean towels.

Oh, uh, what about my washcloths?

I threw those away.

Why? Do you really have to ask?

Miss you, kiss you, use a tissue.

* Men.

You're awfully quiet tonight.

Now, don't look at me that way.

You knew the deal when we got married.

(doorbell rings)

Uh-oh.

Shh.

Who is it?

It's Alan.

We need to talk.

Just a second.

Let's go, Rose.

I haven't got all night.

What is wrong with you?

Manny is taking a nap on the deck.

Oh, well, maybe I need to, uh, wake him up

and have a little talk with him.

About what?

Well, it occurred to me that you might be tempted

to tell someone about my little business venture.

Oh, you mean your Ponzi scheme?

Knock it off, Rose.

Unless you want me to tell your husband

that you're having an affair with my brother.

You wouldn't.

Criss-cross, apple sauce.

What?

Doesn't matter.

The point is, if you tell, I'll tell.

Go ahead.

Tell him.

If my husband leaves me, I'll still have Charlie.

But if I tell everyone what you've been up to,

what will you have?

Crap.

Oopsie-doopsie, watch your poopsie.

(bird squawking)

There's a bird on your husband's head.

Yeah. So?

(bird squawking)

Crap.

* Men.

* Men.

This is your husband?

This is Manny Quinn?

Oh, my God, Manny Quinn.

Your husband's a dummy.

To be fair, he wasn't the one fooled by a mannequin.

What do you use to get bird poop off a husband?

Charlie thinks you're actually married.

Uh, yeah, that's kind of the idea.

I'm not gonna let you scam him like that.

I understand.

What's that, Manny?

I hadn't even thought of that.

Thought of what?

What did he-- What are you saying?

How much would you need to pay back

all the money you stole from your family?

I didn't steal, they invested.

Fine. How much?

$50,000.

Why don't you wait here and I'll go get my checkbook.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I-I am loyal to my brother.

You can't buy my silence with a check.

You want cash? You have cash?

I mean, I won't betray Charlie!

You may have to kill him.

* Men.

Well, hey, uh, what are you still doing here?

I need my money back.

Why?

Just found out

two of my teenage granddaughters are pregnant.

At the same time?

By the same guy.

Long story short, I need cash quick.

Uh, o-okay.

Um, how much are we talking?

All of it. A-All of it?

Is that a problem?

No, no, it's not a-a problem.

Um... if you want cash, um, you'll have to wait

till tomorrow, so I can go to the bank.

Tomorrow's fine.

Good, good.

Of course you're gonna lose quite a bit

by pulling out early.

Yeah, well, if Jimmy Lee had done the same,

I wouldn't need the money.

Okay, tomorrow!

Oh, boy.

BAD ALAN: Don't panic.

In the toaster, numb-nuts.

Okay, Mr. Smart Guy.

How do you suggest I pay off Berta?

I spent all the money.

On what?

Well, you know,

clothing, jewelry, electronics, a little lipo.

Liposuction?

I had a bit of a muffin top.

You know, I actually feel a lot better about myself now.

Okay, well, um,

then you're gonna have to get another investor.

What about the goofy chick?

Rose?

She did offer me $50,000.

Why didn't you take it, schmuck?

Because if I took it, I would have to betray my brother.

CHARLIE: Hey, Alan.

Who you talking to?

Nobody.

Want some toast?

Maybe later. Check it out.

Two first-class tickets to Paris.

We're going to Paris?

Great idea.

Can we leave before the banks open tomorrow?

What?!

Are you out of your mind?

I'm taking Rose.

Did you know they have their own Disneyland there,

and they serve wine?

But what about her husband?

I'm gonna ask her to leave him and marry me.

Oh, gee, Charlie, that may not be the best idea.

I don't recall asking for your opinion.

Hey, hey, I'm just looking out for you.

Do me a favor, a little less looking out,

little more moving out.

You're right. Screw him.

Okay, let's go get that cash

from the crazy chick who married the mannequin.

She's crazy?

I'm the one talking to a kitchen appliance.

Hey, look, I'm trapped in a toaster.

Wait, wait, I'm coming with you!

* Men.

I think that's everything.

So what did you tell your husband?

I didn't have to tell him anything.

He's in New York for a big fashion show.

Perfect.

So what kind of clothes he design anyway?

Men's sportswear, mostly.

Anything I might like?

No, it's more the kind of stuff

Alan would wear.

Oh, so, tacky.

You know, I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.

I'll get it.

Oh, thanks.

Uh-oh.

Whoa.

I guess the guy brings his work home with him.

Yep.

Tacky.

I got it!

* Men.

* Men.

Here is your $10,000.

Hope it works out with your granddaughters.

They're 15 years old and pregnant.

What should I look forward to, the next season of Teen Mom?

And that is it.

Everybody is paid off.

But you're broke again.

But my conscience is clear.

Dy-no-mite!

The rhyming thing really wasn't working.

Leave me alone.

All you are is my dark side.

Fine, would you rather listen to your light side?

What are you talking about?

There's more of us in here, buddy.

More?

Oh, really?

That shirt with those pants?

What were you thinking?

Okay, who else you got?

Who else do you need?