Original subtitles

* Men.

(slurring words): Yeah, hi.

I'm watching your commercial for the Shake Weight?

Yeah, I gotta tell ya,

my brother does basically the same thing

in the shower every day

and he has absolutely no muscle tone in his arms.

All right, I'm out of here. Hold on a sec.

What does this look like to you, Berta?

Your brother in the shower?

You hear that? It's not just me.

Thanks, Berta. I'll see you tomorrow.

No, you won't.

I told you, I'm going to a family reunion for a few days.

But what about me?

All right,

let's go through this one more time.

I arranged to have a friend fill in for me.

Her name is Esmerelda.

I have given her

detailed instructions

about how you like things done around here.

Did you tell her to roll me over on my stomach

so I don't choke on my own vomit?

That's number one on the list.

Is she hot?

She was in the '70s.

I guess it's better that way.

Yeah, it's tough enough that you and I have sexual tension.

Oh, by the way, you promised me vacation pay.

Okay.

How much did we agree on?

That looks about right.

Bye.

See you tomorrow.

Uncle Charlie in there?

Yep.

Drunk?

Hammered.

You clean him out?

Would I do that to my little buddy?

Thank you, Berta.

All right, have a good weekend, Uncle Charlie.

Enjoy your family reunion.

What?

What?

You know, you still owe me

for that pizza from the other night.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

How much was it?

That'll do it.

Jake, let's go. Your mom's outside.

See ya, Uncle Charlie.

See ya, buddy.

Thanks for the pizza.

When did you guys have pizza?

I have no idea.

Hey, Charlie, you remember Lyndsey?

Nope.

Hey, look.

(chuckles)

I'm exercising.

Oh, maybe you ought to sit down for a minute.

Good idea.

I'm getting a little dizzy.

I hope I don't have a heart problem.

No, you have a drinking problem.

That's a relief.

So who's this Lyndsey?

You remember-- Lyndsey, early 40s, blonde, pretty.

No recollection.

I burned her house down.

She left me, went back to her ex-husband?

Keep going.

Nice, full, very natural looking C-cup?

Oh, right, Lyndsey.

Here we go.

What are you doing?

Child-proofing you.

Thank you.

So you're-you're dating

Lindsay Lohan?

No, no, Lyndsey MacElroy.

Anyway, she called and apparently

things aren't working out with the ex-husband,

and even though she didn't exactly say she

wanted to get back together, I am going to meet her for dinner.

Well, that's great. Mm-hmm.

Good for you.

How do I look?

Like Lance Armstrong after a three-day drunk.

Nice.

Mm-hmm.

You are a good brother, Alan.

Have some money.

Thanks.

If I were really a good brother,

I would stage an intervention.

Thanks for the pizza.

Eureka.

I've invented the drinking helmet.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

(sighs)

Hello?

(speaking Spanish)

Oh, man, did I go to Tijuana last night?

Me... you...

Not married, are we?

I guess if the answer was yes,

she wouldn't be polishing the piano.

Hey, Alan, quick question.

Yeah?

Who is that in our living room?

That's Esmerelda.

Gonna need more.

Berta's friend?

Keep going.

Berta went to her family reunion.

Esmerelda's filling in for her.

Oh. It would have been nice if she'd given me a heads-up.

Aren't you going to ask me about last night?

Oh, yeah.

What did I do last night?

Somehow I spent almost all my money.

No, I meant what I did last night.

Oh. No.

Lyndsey wants to get back together.

C-cups.

Right. Lyndsey.

She did split up with her ex-husband Chris.

Said she realized she didn't want to go backwards.

In what universe is dating you not going backwards?

I know. This guy must be some kind of mess.

Breakfast, Señor Harper?

Why is she saying breakfast?

Am I supposed to make her breakfast?

She'll make it for you.

Try the huevos rancheros-- they're amazing.

(speaking Spanish)

Muy bien. Gracias.

Junior high, high school, college,

two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

You say that like I'm supposed to know.

You are supposed to know. You're my brother.

(Esmerelda laughing)

What's so funny?

Are you talking about me?

She says she likes your hat.

* Men.

CHARLIE: Alan! Come here, quick!

Please God, don't let it be a dead girl.

What is it?

Open my door and tell me what you see.

Why? What do you see?

Just look.

Are the flying monkeys back?

Don't joke about that, Alan.

Wow.

Esmerelda did this?

Can you believe it?

The fresh cut flowers,

the carafe of lemon water.

She even laid out my robe and slippers.

Since when do you have slippers?

I don't know. Is it possible she made them?

She put a chocolate on your pillow? Yup.

See what it says?

"Felicidad."

That means "Merry Christmas," right?

It means "happiness."

You sure? What about that song, uh, "Felicidad Navidas"?

"Feliz Navidad"?

Tomato, tamale.

The point is,

Esmerelda is a terrific housekeeper.

I didn't get a chocolate.

You're not Señor Harper.

I'm a Señor Harper.

Yes, but not the Señor Harper that pays her.

Come on, you got to see this.

She still could have given me a chocolate.

How much could it cost?

Look!

That's not a swan.

That's my towel.

Nice touch.

Had me fooled at first.

I tried to kill it.

And look.

She folded my toilet paper into a little point.

After breakfast, I used some, stood up, shaved,

and when I looked back, I swear it was pointed again.

Is that a votive candle?

Yup.

She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.

Oh, please.

No, no, no, it's working.

This morning, soft, firm, easy peasy.

But wait, there's more.

Come on.

Tada!

She bought you a new grill?!

No, no, no, this is the old grill.

You know what she did?

What? She cleaned it.

She cleaned the grill?

Berta never cleans the grill.

Tell me about it.

She only comes out on the deck to smoke pot.

Señor Harper?

Yes?

She's talking to me, Baba Looey. Yes?

Hell, yeah, botanas.

What's that mean, "screw you"?

Basically.

I love this woman.

Esmerelda, te amo.

Ay, Señor.

I thought you didn't speak Spanish.

I don't, but I do know how to say "I love you"

and "How much for a happy ending?"

in, like, 17 different languages.

You're kidding.

(speaking foreign language and clicking)

In case you ever want to have a good time in Central Africa.

* Men.

(doorbell ringing)

CHARLIE: Alan, get that!

Esmerelda's giving me a pedicure!

Pedicure. I can't even get a freakin' chocolate.

Hello, Alan.

Chris! Hey.

Uh, what brings you by?

Well, Lyndsey mentioned that you two are dating again,

and I wanted to let you know

that if I had to lose her, I'm glad it was to you.

Thank you.

How did you get my address?

Not important.

Here, I brought you a little gift.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Nothing in here's gonna bite me, is it?

(chuckles) Open it.

Oh.

Look at that.

It's a picture of Lyndsey and you.

Yeah. Look how happy we were.

We just found out she was pregnant.

It kind of looks like she's glowing, but it's really just

the lights from the Ferris wheel on the Santa Monica Pier.

I-I can't accept this.

Oh, I want you to have it.

You need to see how happy Lyndsey made me,

so you can be that happy.

Okay, I'm not quite sure I follow the logic,

um, but-but thank you.

See you around.

(clicks tongue)

(clicks tongue)

Ah, it's too late, Alan.

You're already dead.

Well, that was a bit disturbing.

* Men.

* Men.

Okay, uh, one decaf grande soy chai latte

with extra whipped cream.

Uh, and a black coffee for the lady.

Thank you.

I don't know how you drink that stuff.

Back at you.

Name? Uh, Alan.

So, what's so important that you didn't want

to talk about it on the phone?

Oh, it's not that it's important,

uh, it's just that it's...

Alan, if you dragged me down here

to break up with me, I will murder you.

Oh, no, nobody's breaking up.

But, uh, speaking of murder,

I saw your ex-husband yesterday.

I'm sorry, "speaking of murder"?

Oh, oh, maybe I should back up a little.

Um, Chris showed up at my house and handed me

what I consider to be a very inappropriate photo of you two.

That bastard!

He told me he threw those pictures away.

Okay, I-I don't think we're talking about the same pictures.

Uh, but the point is, before he left, he shot at me.

He shot at you?

Oh, not with a gun, with his finger.

But the implication was pretty darn clear.

Okay, let me get this straight.

I wasn't naked in the picture?

No, you were at the Santa Monica Pier.

But not naked, right?

Right.

Uh, but again, my concern here

is that your ex-husband seems to be threatening me.

Oh, Chris is harmless.

His bark is way worse than his bite.

So you're saying he does bite?

Alan, you have nothing to worry about.

And if it'll make you feel better,

I'll talk to Chris next time I see him.

Talk to me about what? What the hell?!

How long have you been sitting there?

I just got here.

I was gonna come say hi,

but I thought it was a little creepy--

ex-husband, new boyfriend.

Are you following us?

No. I just stopped in to have a cup of coffee.

You live on the other side of town.

But I like the coffee here.

Okay, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish,

but it needs to stop right now.

Uh, I've got this, Lyndsey.

Now... listen up, pal.

I'm dating your ex-wife,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Do you understand me?

(shrieks): Police! Police!

Whoa.

Calm down.

Chris, get out of here.

I'm leaving.

Oh, Alan.

What?

See you around.

See? See?

He shot me again!

Calm down.

Calm down?! This guy is crazy.

We need get a restraining order or something.

I don't think that's necessary.

Of course it's necessary.

This is unacceptable behavior, and I am not putting up with it.

In fact, forget the restraining order.

I'm gonna pay him a visit and make it crystal clear

that he is messing with the wrong guy.

Alan!

(shrieks): Police! Police!

* Men.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Breakfast time.

Esmerelda's huevos rancher...

Oh, Berta!

Hey.

I thought you were at a family reunion.

Came home early.

Turns out, I don't like my family.

So you came back.

Yay.

So Esmerelda's not coming in anymore?

No, I called her.

She didn't mess things up too bad, did she?

No, no, no. I mean, she's not you,

so there was a little adjustment.

What's that you're eating?

Western omelette.

Oh. Looks good.

It is.

Which reminds me, you're out of eggs.

(door opens, closes)

ALAN: Charlie?

In here.

Staring at me while I eat

is making me very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Charlie, I've got a problem.

How about that,

the problem's got a problem.

Berta's back.

Yay.

I'm going somewhere I can eat in peace.

I thought my family was annoying.

Can you believe it?

Esmerelda's gone.

Yeah, boo-hoo.

Lyndsey's ex-husband threatened to kill me.

How is that a bigger problem

than me having to make my own breakfast?

I'm serious, Charlie.

He's crazy.

Well, of course he's crazy.

He's an ex-husband.

The two words go together.

"Crazy ex-husband."

I'm an ex-husband.

There you go.

Now, what are we gonna do about Esmerelda?

I mean, it's not like I can fire Berta.

Sure you can. Frankly, I never cared for the woman.

What am I gonna do about Chris?

I don't want to lose Lyndsey; I love her.

And I love huevos rancheros

and chocolate "felicidadas" on my pillow.

Okay, we seem to be talking at cross purposes here.

'Cause you're not focusing on the real issue.

I've just lost the best housekeeper since...

Wilma Flintstone.

(screams)

What the hell?

What was that?

A rock.

It's got to be Chris.

How can you be sure?

Who else would throw a rock at me?

Good point. I'm here and Mom's out of town.

I ain't cleaning that up.

* Men.

(TV playing quietly)

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hello?

("Up, Up and Away" ringtone playing)

Hello?

Hello?!

Okay, whoever this is,

you should know that you're not scaring me.

(doorbell rings, Alan screams)

Esmerelda!

Come on in.

Buenas noches, Señor Harper.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Esmerelda?

Oh, como esta, Señor Alan?

Muy bien.

Charlie, what's going on?

Excusez-moi.

From now on, Berta will be our day housekeeper

and Esmerelda will be our night housekeeper.

Capiche?

Does Berta know?

Berta doesn't need to know.

Uh-huh. So what's she gonna think when she comes back

and she sees the pointed toilet paper and the swan towels?

Way ahead of you.

I'll just un-swan and un-point everything

before she gets here.

Then why do it?

I mean, is it worth the trouble

to sneak around behind Berta's back?

I know it's crazy, but...

...the woman makes me happy.

Botanas, Señor Harper?

Oh, si... vous plaît.

How about that?

I'm even starting to pick up the language.

It's a shame the language is French.

(phone rings)

(screams)

* Men.

* Men.

Alan, relax. If Chris wanted to kill you,

he'd just climb through your window while you're sleeping

and smother you with a pillow.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

At least, that's how I always imagined doing it.

BERTA: You rat bastard.

Berta!

It's not what it looks like.

Is that so?

Then what is it?

Uh... it's purely sexual.

I'm not stupid, Charlie.

I know when I'm being two-timed.

Charlie, I'm shocked.

Shocked!

Berta, I-I had no idea this was going...

Stay out of it, Zippy!

I'm out.

So what do you have to say for yourself?

Berta, I am... I am so sorry.

I got carried away, but I think if we all sit down like adults

and talk this through, we can make it work.

Uh-uh.

It's either me or her.

Oh, please don't make me choose.

Berta, I love you both.

Good-bye, Charlie.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's you, Berta.

It's always been you.

I'm sorry.

It's just not our time.

Please tell her how sorry I am.

(speaking Spanish)

(both laugh)

Adios, Señor Harper.

Arrivederci, Esmerelda.

Okay, then.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good, good.

I'll be late.

It's okay.

You might want to clean that hair up off the floor

before I get in.

Sure, I'm on it. Okay.

(sighs)

Oh, Esmerelda.

No.

No, I can't let her go.

Oh, hey, Chris.

Pillows on the couch, Alan's in his room. Esmerelda!