All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S08E08 - Springtime on a Stick (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

* Men.*

So, I'm confused.

Is Edward the gay vampire
or the gay werewolf?

The vampire.

And he's not gay,
he's... androgynous.

So he can write
with both hands, big deal.

No, I mean...

Never mind.

I'll tell you
what's a great movie--

Jackass 2.
(turns off TV)

Now, I know what
you're thinking: sequels suck.

But not that one.

There's this one part
where this guy

puts on a diver's helmet
with a hose attached,

and this fat guy farts into
the tube until he pukes.

The guy in the diver's helmet,
not the fat guy.

Sounds puerile.

Oh, yeah,
it's totally puerile.

Unless puerile isn't good.

In which case,
it's totally un-puerile.

Anti-puerile?

Maybe we
shouldn't talk.

CHARLIE:
Hello!

(door closes)
Oh, crap.

Is that your dad?

No, worse.

My drunken uncle.

I just pray he remembered
to pull up his zipper.

There's my main man.

Jake-o-roonie,
Jake-o-reenie,

Jake the snake!

Who are you?

Megan.

Meg-a-roonie,
Meg-a-reenie,

Megan the snagan.

Zipper, Uncle Charlie.

Oop, good catch.

Thought you had
a date tonight.

Not a date,
a date experience.

What's the
difference?

About $1,500.

So, Megan,

what's your deal?

Trying to teach
your parents a lesson?

I'm in Jake's
homeroom.

Got it.
Yeah, I was pretty sure

you didn't meet him
in honors math class.

Boy, I remember
being your age.

Going out with Beth Anderson.

She was head cheerleader.

I was crazy about her,
but she dumped me

and left me with nothing
but a broken heart.

And the clap.

The what?

Wow, you kids today have
no idea what that is, do you?

I know it sounds cute.

The clap!

But it burns like hell.

I think I'd
better get home.

Wait, don't go.

He'll be passed out
in ten minutes.

I'll see you in homeroom.

Come on, Megan.

Thanks a lot!

You're welcome!

I'm really gonna
get you back for this.

Okey-dokey.

Megan, hold up!

Oh, Beth Anderson.

Every time it hurts when I pee,

I think of you.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Men.
* Ooh.

* Men.

Charlie.

(groggily):
What?

Sign this.

I'm not signing anything
till I see a lawyer.

Wake up!

What?

Birthday card for Mom.

Sign it.

No, thanks.

Come back with a
"do not resuscitate" form

and we'll talk.

Come on, Charlie.

What did we get her?

You mean, "What did I get her?"

No, I mean, what did I pay for?

We went 50-50
on engraved stationery.

50-50?

Okay, 100-zero.

But I will pay you back.

Right.

I assume you don't want
to go with me and Jake

to give her her present
and wish her a happy birthday.

And I assume
you're never gonna pay me back.

We are a well-oiled machine.

"Mom, you know how I feel.

Charlie."

Straight from the heart.

* Men.

This just blows.

Come on.
(doorbell rings)

Seeing you is going to make
your grandmother very happy.

EVELYN (over speaker):
What do you two want?

Hi, Mom!

Happy birthday!

(muttering):
Happy birthday.

We brought you a gift.

EVELYN: Doesn't give you license
to show up unannounced,

but all right.

(lock buzzes)

She just better
keep me in the will.

EVELYN:
I can hear you, Jake.

Love you, Grandma.

* Men.

Just so you know,

I like this even
less than you do.

That's hard to believe.

ALAN:
I got to tell you,

Mom, you are looking
younger every year.

Uh-huh.

I do.

I don't.

So, uh, do you
like your present?

It's stationery
with a big "E" on it.

It stands for "Evelyn."

Very good, darling.

Uncle Charlie said
the "E" was for "evil."

So, any... any big
birthday plans?

Like what?

I don't know.
Hot date?

As a matter of fact,
I did have a date.

What happened?
He cancelled.

Whoa, you got dumped
on your birthday?

That is so puerile.

Or is it?

What is wrong with him?

Nothing organic.
We've had him checked.

So, is there
birthday cake?

Oh, Jake,
what is to become of you?

Thank God my life
is mostly behind me.

I'd hate to be your age,
preparing to make my way

in a world that's coming
apart at the seams,

while having no
discernible job skills

or charisma whatsoever.

So is that a yea
or nay on the cake?

* Men.

Bye, Mom!
Happy birthday!

Whoa, that was grim.

Yeah, who has
a birthday party without cake?

Your uncle really dodged
a bullet, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

Hey, Dad...

maybe we shouldn't
leave Grandma alone.

She seemed kind of depressed.

Oh, uh, don't worry.

She doesn't commit suicide.
She inspires it.

I was just thinking
maybe it'd be nice

to have her to Uncle Charlie's
for a real birthday dinner.

You know, Jake, it's moments
like this that make me proud.

You've got a big heart.

Okay, we'll bring her back
to Uncle Charlie's.

* Men.

Hey.
Hey.

How was your
time in hell?

So good he brought
a little back with him.

Hey. Hey, Mom.

Happy birthday.

I-I...

would have come over, but...

Oh, come on,
do I really need a reason?

That's all right.
I don't expect much from you.

And you never disappoint me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to drown my
sorrows in alcohol.

If you're not
committed to alcohol,

there's a whole big ocean
out there.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I just thought
it would be nice

if we had a little
birthday dinner for her.

You thought it would be nice
to bring Mom to my house?

Actually, it was
Jake's idea.

Of course. Jake.

And where is... the boy?

It's Sunday. I dropped
him off at his Mom's.

(phone rings)

Hey, Uncle Charlie.
How's it going?

You rat bastard.

Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

Bye.

What did he mean,
"payback's a bitch"?

EVELYN:
Damn it, Charlie,

how am I supposed
to make a martini

without green olives?

He misspoke.

He meant,
"the bitch is payback."

* Men.

* Men.

(sighs)

So this is it?

We're just going to sit here
watching television

till dinnertime?

I'm hoping to do it
till bedtime.

We can't talk?

What would you like
to talk about?

Don't encourage
her, Alan.

Well, what comes
immediately to mind

is the futility of love,

the disappointment of family,

and the inevitability of death.

I'd be right with you
if "inevitable" meant "now."

Well, I am sorry,

but I cannot go along
with you two gloomy Guses.

I look at life,
and I see the cup as half full.

But the cup
belongs to your brother,

and what it's
half full of is tears.

(laughs)
Good one, Mom.

You're no one to talk.

He at least aspires
to normalcy,

tries to have meaningful
relationships with women.

You go out with a girl
and break up with her

before her hoo-ha
can develop a 5:00 shadow.

Well, uh, in his
defense, Mom,

he's usually paying
by the hour.

Very smart, Alan.

Bite the syphilitic hand
that feeds you.

Well, if neither of you
is going to refill my drink,

I'll do it myself.

Help yourself, Mom.

I keep the vodka
in a bleach bottle.

I can't take this anymore.
I got to get out of here.

You're gonna leave
me alone with her?

Hey, hey,
I was alone with her

for two years before you
were born. You owe me.

Why don't we both
make a break for it?

Okay. Great.

On three.

One...

Two...

You're supposed to say
"go" after "three."

Before we pick up the olives,
can we stop at a pharmacy?

Sure.

Isn't anybody gonna ask why?

Fine. Uh, why?

Don't ask if you don't care.

It's a woman problem.

'Nough said.

As you get older,
certain parts of your body

don't lubricate properly.

Please, God, tell me you have
to pick up some Visine.

I'm not talking
about my eyes, Charlie.

(groaning)
(groaning)

Oh, sure, one can masturbate
to keep things flowing,

but it's not the same
as actual intercourse.

What's his problem?

Just give him a minute.

* Men.

That was very rude

leaving us sitting there
on the side of the road.

Would you rather
I threw up in the car?

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hey, Russell.

This is my mother Evelyn
and my brother Alan.

Hi.
Hey.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Can I interest you folks
in a codeine Popsicle?

It's my own invention.

I think we're good, Russell.

You suck on one of these,
you'll be great.

I call it
"Springtime on a Stick."

Yeah, listen,

my mom needs some, um...

RUSSELL:
Mm-hmm?

Mom?

Birth control pills.

Do you have
a prescription?

Kidding. We're all
friends here.
Oh. (laughs)

Come on back,
and I'll show you our selection.

Oh, aren't you a doll?

And I'm anatomically correct.

Oh, good to know.

Why did she ask for
birth control pills?

Gee, Alan, I don't know.

Maybe she didn't want to lead
with her dry hoo-ha.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yes, but this time,
let's be clear.

Do we run on "go"
or just "three"?

Oh, no, no.
There's no running.

Let's set her up
with Russell.

Oh, gee, I'm not so sure
that's a good match.

When the hell did
this become eHarmony?

We just need to get her
out of our hair.

Oh, right, right.

Follow my lead.

Thanks, Russell.

These'll be just fine.
Hmm.

What do I owe you?

Oh, it's on the house.

Any mom of Charlie's

is a potential
lifelong customer of mine.

Aren't you sweet!

Or it could just be
Mr. Popsicle talking.

Hey, listen, Russell, um,

we're having a little birthday
dinner for Mom tonight,

so if you're not doing anything,
maybe you'd like to join us.

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

I'd love to.

What can I bring--

Xanax, Ritalin?

What are you serving?

Chinese takeout.

Then, perhaps something
from the opiate family.

(Evelyn laughs)

Bring whatever
you want.

Done and done.

And I will see you later,
birthday girl.

Well, I'll see you later,
anatomically correct boy.

So, around 7:00?

With bells on.
Thanks for the invite.

You're welcome.

You poor, clueless bastard.

* Men.

I don't know why I didn't
think of this years ago.

Russell's
perfect for Mom.

They've both been
divorced multiple times,

they're both trying desperately
to hang onto their youth,

plus, they're both big
fans of class A narcotics.

Does Russell have kids?

Uh, none that he admits to.

BOTH:
Just like Mom.

EVELYN:
Well, boys,

what do you think?

Wow, you look terrific.

It's not too much, is it?

No, no, no, the bright colors
are good for Russell.

It keeps him from nodding off.

I just want you both to know
how grateful I am for everything

you've done to make this
a special birthday for me.

Well, you're-you're
welcome, Mom.

Just want to
make you happy.

Thank you, but if you really
wanted to make me happy,

you would have made
different life choices.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that's him.

Hang on.

All right, open the door.

Russell?

Russell!

Oh, hi, Charlie.

This is Jill.

Oh, hi, Jill.
Come on in.

Thanks.

What's with the date?

Well, you said bring
whatever I want.

I want her.

I'll be right back.

Where are you going?
To put on panties.

* Men.

So, uh, what do you do
for a living, Jill?

Well, I'm an actress,
but you know how it is.

Once you turn 30,
parts dry up.

You think your parts
are drying up now,

wait'll you turn 50.

Ah, don't worry, sweetie.

By the time you're 50,
I'll be dead.

So, how long have
you two been dating?

We're not dating.

We have an arrangement.

Arrangement?

I let him climb on top of me

a couple of times a month,
and he pays my rent.

Four glorious months
and counting.

Hey, Russell,
you mind helping me

make another batch
of margaritas?

Oh, it'd be my pleasure.

You know what's good
on the rim of a margarita?

Salt?

Pharmaceutical cocaine.

It's actually good
around the rim of anything.

Okay, I'm only
gonna ask this once.

What did you think I
meant when I invited you

to a birthday dinner
for my single mother?

I don't know.

When you came into the store,

I was higher
than Mel Gibson on Passover.

I cannot believe you
actually walked in here

with a smokin'
hot 30-year-old.

What's so hard to believe?

She's an out-of-work actress,
and I have money and drugs.

I guess this isn't exactly
the birthday party

you were hoping for.

No, no, what every woman dreams
of is her sons fixing her up

with a man who arrives with
a young, hot... arrangement.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

when he touches me,
I want to vomit.

It actually
does, thank you.

You know, it's, uh...
it's funny you should say that.

Um, my first wife Judith, uh,
towards the end of our marriage,

uh, used to make this face
like, uh, like she was gagging.

Sort of a...

No one cares, Alan.

Now, Jill, listen to me.

You still have time to
make changes in your life.

You don't want to end up old
and used-up and alone like me.

I'm always here for you, Mom.

(sighs)

Like I said,
make changes.

CHARLIE:
Okay.

Another margarita
for the birthday chiquita.

Oh, hit me.

Um, Evelyn, I believe
I owe you an apology.

(Russell sighs)

When Charlie invited me
to dinner,

I had no idea
that he was thinking

that you and I were
a potential couple.

I mean, you're

a handsome woman...

...but my tastes run more to

baby veal.

I understand.

She's veal,
and I'm jerky.

Good, so you get it.

Excuse me.

(clears throat)

Wow. That could
have been awkward.

One of us should
probably go talk to her.

I'll go talk to her.

I can't believe
I'm hitting that.

I can't believe
I'm not hitting you.

* Men.

Wait, wait-- you're opening
a drug rehab facility in Malibu?

(laughs)

No, not-not rehab, prehab.

What the hell is that?
Prehab?

All right, think about it.

Rich celebrities
will spend $50,000 a month

to go some place nice
where they won't do drugs.

Imagine how much
they would spend

to go to a snazzy place
on the beach

to do them.

What about the legal issues?

What are you, a cop?

No.

Then shut up.

Hey, is it me,

or have Mom and Jill been
gone for quite a while?

Time is a very
subjective thing, Charlie,

especially when you're abusing
powerful anti-psychotics.

One of us should probably
go check and see

if everything's okay.

One of us should probably
answer that phone first.

* Men.

Mom?

(water running)

EVELYN (laughing):
Oh, that tickles.

JILL (laughing):
You started it.

Happy birthday.

EVELYN:
Oh, Jill.

JILL:
Oh, Evelyn.

(women laughing)

On three?

You wait till three.

* Men.

* Men.

(TV plays in the background)

I can't believe Mom ran off
with this idiot's girlfriend.

I can't believe
this idiot's still here.

It's not
that I can't hear you.

It's that I'm busy
talking to Jim Morrison.

Incredible.

Excuse me a minute, Jim.

I don't want
to spook you fellas,

but I took a handful
of Viagra

in anticipation
of a different kind of evening.

Three.
Three.

What are you looking at?