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1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:03,104
* Men.
2
00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,172
Swordfish looks good.
3
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,539
You eat a lot of fish.
4
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,208
Aren't you worried
about mercury?
5
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:10,178
Michelle, on the list of things
I expect to kill me,
6
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,745
mercury poisoning ranks
well below liver failure,
7
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,782
struck by lightning and
heart attack during sex.
8
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,286
Guess which one I'm rooting for.
9
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,587
Charles?
10
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,157
Speaking of things
I expect to kill me.
11
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,793
What a lovely surprise.
12
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,828
Michelle, this is
my mother Evelyn.
Mom, Michelle.
13
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,131
Evelyn, it's a pleasure.
You have a wonderful son.
14
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,432
Yes, I do.
15
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:34,034
But Charlie and Alan
must never learn of him.
16
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,538
Before she kills,
she likes to torture.
17
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,608
So, how did you two meet?
18
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,010
Charlie asked me to look
at a little thing on his butt.
19
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,278
Oh, smooth, Charlie.
20
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,247
She's a dermatologist, Mom.
21
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,782
Oh, a doctor?
22
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,818
So you have access to Charlie's
medical records
23
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,386
and still went out with him.
24
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,823
Okay, nice to see you, Mom.
I don't want to keep you
25
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,725
from whatever poor schmuck
you're here to meet.
26
00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,194
Sorry I'm late, Mom.
27
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,164
How about that?
The poorest schmuck I know.
28
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,033
Michelle, this is
my brother Alan.
29
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,034
Alan, Michelle.
Hi.
30
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,035
Nice to meet you.
31
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,338
Would you like to join us?
32
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,505
Sure.
33
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,640
How sweet.
34
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:13,641
Uh... waiter?
35
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,177
I thought you liked me.
36
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,881
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
37
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,485
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
38
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,621
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
39
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,623
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
40
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,426
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
41
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,563
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
42
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:39,200
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
43
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,841
* Men.
44
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,244
Well, this is
very pleasant.
45
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,613
The last time I met one of
Charlie's girlfriends,
46
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,584
I was picking glitter off
my skin for a week.
47
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,552
Oh, right, the 22-year-old
pole dancer.
48
00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,920
(grunts)
49
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,390
Oh, don't get
the wrong idea.
50
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,925
I mean, not every woman Charlie
dates is a stripper.
51
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,059
I can't imagine
52
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,795
you stripping,
for example.
53
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,799
I mean,
I can imagine it.
54
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,334
(growls)
55
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,842
So what's the occasion
for you two?
56
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,043
No occasion.
57
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,179
Can't a son invite
his mom to lunch?
58
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,315
He needs money.
59
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,950
No, no. But if you're lookin'
to give some away
60
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,219
I'm not gonna
turn it down.
61
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,487
You're a dermatologist.
62
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,824
How do I get rid
of a 170-pound skin tag?
63
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,194
Excuse me, 164.
64
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,696
Really? That's the
part you object to?
65
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,566
Would you like to be called
a 200-pound drunk?
66
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,201
180.
See?
67
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,903
Yeah, well, better a lush
than a leech.
68
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,305
At least a leech
doesn't miss
69
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,040
his mother's birthday
in a drunken blackout.
70
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,608
Yes, but when the lush wakes up,
71
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,211
he can buy her a nice gift
with his own money.
72
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,580
He can, but he doesn't.
73
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:00,614
He doesn't because
74
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,350
you wouldn't appreciate
it anyway.
75
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,817
Let's not start with
appreciation.
76
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,453
Did I ever get a thank you
77
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,589
for bearing you
and raising you
all by myself?
78
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,791
Thank you, Mommy.
79
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,226
Give it a rest.
80
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,261
I'll write you a check.
81
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,862
Thank you, Mommy.
82
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:18,065
(sighs) Do you have
children, Michelle?
83
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,967
I have a daughter.
84
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,135
Isn't that nice?
85
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,804
Has she ripped
your heart out yet?
86
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,839
Not quite.
87
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,140
Well, give her time.
88
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,377
Children are God's
little way of
89
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,845
punishing us for having sex.
90
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,384
So, Michelle, you've met
my mom and my brother.
91
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,818
Will you be breaking up
with me now
92
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,920
or would you prefer
to wait till after lunch?
93
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,322
I'll wait.
94
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,623
I already ordered
the souffle
95
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,792
and I understand
it's very good here.
96
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:48,462
Oh, she's attractive,
successful and funny.
97
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,798
So tell me, dear,
98
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,466
why are you settling?
99
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:57,271
* Men.
100
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,809
Mmm... wait, wait, wait.
101
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,611
Can I ask you a question?
102
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,712
Sure.
103
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,781
Have there been a lot
of women in this bed?
104
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,250
Uh...
105
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,521
actually in the bed?
106
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,756
Fewer than you'd think.
107
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,024
Charlie...
108
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,960
Listen, I'm not gonna
lie about who I am
109
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,762
or where I've been,
110
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,432
so don't ask unless
you really want to know.
111
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,902
It doesn't matter.
112
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,070
The past is the past.
113
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,405
Agreed.
114
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,606
Let's work on the present.
115
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:33,974
Oh, goody, I love presents.
116
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,142
(laughs)
117
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,276
(knocking)
118
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,311
JAKE:
Uncle Charlie?
119
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,979
Busy, Jake.
120
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:42,650
JAKE:
Oh, is Chelsea back?
121
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,252
No, Jake.
122
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,420
Mia?
123
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,458
No.
124
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:54,094
The married stripper?
What's her name, Betsy?
125
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,030
What do you need, Jake?
126
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,599
Can I borrow your car?
127
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,935
No, you can't borrow my hundred-
thousand-dollar Mercedes!
128
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,371
Okay.
129
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,272
Sorry about that.
130
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:08,742
It's not another
hooker, is it?
131
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,347
Excuse me.
132
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,752
Here's the keys.
Go away.
Thank you.
133
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,122
My nephew.
134
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,725
Everyone's convinced
he's a freaking moron,
135
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:28,596
but I'm starting
to think he's an evil genius.
136
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,866
* Men.
137
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,168
Hey, did you hear
that noise last night?
138
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,437
What noise?
139
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,506
Around 2:00 or 3:00 in
the morning,
140
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,007
I thought I heard a man crying.
141
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:43,343
Oh, that's nothing.
That's just Alan.
142
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:44,845
It's nothing?
143
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,781
Yeah, he gets up in the middle
of the night to pee,
144
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:51,018
then he can't get back to sleep,
so he masturbates.
145
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,055
Then he starts crying.
146
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,826
Oh, my God, that's awful!
147
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:02,596
It's like the ocean.
I don't even hear it anymore.
148
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,566
Hey, sorry I'm late.
149
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:08,135
I stopped off and did
the shopping for the week.
150
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,606
Michelle, this is
my housekeeper Berta.
151
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,241
Berta, Michelle.
Hi.
152
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,308
Nice to meet you.
153
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,276
Planning a party?
154
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,146
Every afternoon at 2:00.
155
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,549
(chuckles) She's, she's kidding.
156
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:22,616
Right, Berta?
157
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,719
Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?
158
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,756
Can I go upstairs
and make your bed
159
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,091
or are you guys just catchin'
your breath and rinsin' off?
160
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,961
No, it's fine.
161
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,263
We're just gonna go
for a walk on the beach.
162
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,265
(laughs) Good one.
163
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,100
Why is that funny?
164
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,769
Last time this one was on
the beach
165
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,070
was 'cause he fell off the deck.
166
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,075
It wasn't his fault.
He was drunk.
167
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,144
I'll go make your bed.
168
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:55,015
She seems... nice.
169
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,484
You think?
170
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,552
'Cause she scares
the crap outta me.
171
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,588
Well, then why don't you
get rid of her?
172
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:03,323
Oh, no, no, no, no, I could
never fire her.
173
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,825
I love her to death.
174
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,026
Interesting.
175
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:09,396
So, you love her
and yet she scares you?
176
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:12,900
Little window
into ol' Charlie, huh?
177
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,904
More like a garage door.
178
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,241
* Men.
179
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,644
Well, you've met
my family,
180
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,913
you know all about my past,
181
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,850
my fondness for...
things I'm fond of.
182
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:30,918
Uh-huh?
183
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,154
So... why are you still here?
184
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,490
Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist.
185
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,058
Nobody our age comes
without baggage.
186
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,728
Well, yeah, but some people
might think
187
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,931
that my baggage is...
extra icky.
188
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,232
Extra icky?
189
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,068
That's actually a quote
from a former girlfriend.
190
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:51,839
Well, I think that a mature
relationship has got
191
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,241
to be based on honesty
about our flaws.
192
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,342
You know my flaws.
193
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,744
Openness about our past.
194
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,178
You know my past.
195
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,080
And a willingness to forgive.
196
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,915
I forgive you.
197
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,817
(chuckles)
198
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,486
I really like you, Michelle.
199
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,856
I really like you, too.
200
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,126
ROSE:
Hi, Charlie.
201
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:19,567
There might be one more thing
you should know about me.
202
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,736
* Men.
203
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,574
* Men.
204
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,308
Rose, this is not a good time.
205
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,910
I just want to talk to you.
206
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,679
I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll
only take a minute.
207
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:32,813
Do I know you?
208
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:33,881
Nope.
209
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,282
Seriously, Rose, not now.
210
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,550
How do you know
my na...?
211
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,185
How does she
know my name?
212
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,653
Long story.
Not really.
213
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,521
Once you have
a license plate number,
214
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:42,756
the rest is cake.
215
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,525
Could you give us
a minute?
216
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:47,728
No, she's not goin' anywhere.
217
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,096
Charlie, who is this woman?
218
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,263
Just a friend.
219
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,833
Oh, I'm more than
a friend. We dated.
220
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,536
Just once.
Eight years ago.
221
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,005
You haven't seen her
in eight years?
222
00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,439
Well, no, no, no.
Not exactly.
223
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:01,108
We stay in touch.
224
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,542
You stalk me.
225
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,877
Oh, please.
226
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,680
Does a stalker
baby-sit his nephew?
227
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,582
Does a stalker sleep
with his brother?
228
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,751
Does a stalker's dad
sleep with his mother,
229
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,486
who you met at lunch the other
day at Terrace Gardens?
230
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,589
Have you been
following me?
231
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,991
Not you.
232
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,793
Okay Charlie, I'm
a little freaked out here.
233
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,161
I'm going
to go home.
234
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,896
What? Why?
235
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,898
Nice officially
meeting you.
236
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,700
Oh, come on,
Michelle, don't go.
237
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,434
I'll get rid of her.
238
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,602
No, no, no. No.
239
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,704
Clearly, you have lots
to talk about.
240
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,139
But what about all
that stuff you said?
241
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,608
You know, baggage,
willingness to forgive?
242
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,076
Obviously, I was wrong.
243
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,210
Michelle.
244
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,246
No, look. I could deal
with your mother,
245
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,214
your brother, your nephew,
your housekeeper...
246
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,651
Yeah, I know--
No, no, no.
I'm not done.
247
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:44,685
Your drinking,
your gambling,
248
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:45,986
your womanizing,
249
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,021
but I am not putting up
with your stalker.
250
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,625
Really? That's where
you draw the line?
251
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,662
Seems a little
arbitrary.
252
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,764
Good-bye, Charlie.
253
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,031
(door closes)
254
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,733
I like her.
255
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,636
She's feisty.
256
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,571
That's it, Rose.
257
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,473
This is the last straw.
258
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,540
Really?
259
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,576
That's where you draw the line?
260
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,444
I really care
about this woman.
261
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:12,312
I'm glad for you.
262
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,747
No, you're not!
263
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,448
You never are. You always do
everything you can
264
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:17,851
to come between me and any woman
I'm serious about.
265
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,987
Is that what you think
I'm doing?
266
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,756
Of course that's what I think
you're doing; you just did it!
267
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,625
You've been doing it
for eight years,
268
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,060
and I'm sick of it.
269
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,229
Now, get out.
270
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,198
Okay, but you should know
that I didn't come over
271
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,165
to ruin your date.
272
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,734
Really?
Why did you come over?
273
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,903
To tell you
that I'm getting married.
274
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,872
I'm not marrying you,
Rose.
275
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,610
Not you, silly.
276
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,278
Manfred.
277
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,546
Manfred?
278
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,881
He's so wonderful.
279
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,683
I can't wait for you
to meet him.
280
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:53,120
Uh-huh.
Have you met him yet?
281
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,790
You don't believe me?
282
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,458
Well, of course
I don't believe you.
283
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:01,128
All you've ever done is
manipulate and deceive me.
284
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,063
Mm, fair point.
285
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,798
But I am getting married
next Sunday,
286
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,533
and I just wanted
to let you know
287
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,835
before you heard it
somewhere else.
288
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,670
Where else would I hear it?
289
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,974
Society page of
The Crazy Bitch Gazette?
290
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,110
Clearly, it was a mistake
coming over.
291
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,980
I had no idea the news
would hit you this hard.
292
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,482
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over,
293
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:25,618
I'm devastated, I can't
imagine life without you.
294
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,787
Good-bye.
295
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:30,023
Last chance to kiss the bride.
296
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,030
(knocking)
297
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,533
What?
298
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,104
I'm not sure how to get home
from this side of the house.
299
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,948
* Men.
300
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,950
Hey, Michelle.
It's me again.
301
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,952
Sorry for all the messages.
302
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,687
Don't worry,
I'm not stalking you.
303
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,255
(chuckles)
304
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,757
Anyway,
305
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:07,060
again, I am really sorry for
all the craziness last night,
306
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,163
but, like you pointed out,
everybody's got baggage.
307
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,099
Unfortunately, one piece of mine
308
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:16,336
needs to be sedated
and institutionalized.
309
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,838
Okay, call me.
310
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,973
Kisses. (blows kisses)
311
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,444
Kisses?
312
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:28,181
If I was any fruitier,
I could open a Jamba Juice.
313
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,783
Check it out.
314
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,619
Rose's engagement announcement
is in the paper.
315
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,922
Manfred Quinn?
316
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,624
Says he's an important figure
in the fashion industry.
317
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,492
Eh, I still don't buy it.
318
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,796
What do you mean?
It's right here
in the paper.
Oh, grow up.
319
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,364
Do you have any idea
how many times
320
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,933
I had that paper
print my obituary?
321
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,767
Why would you do that?
322
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:49,036
Lots of reasons.
323
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,071
Gambling debts, angry husbands,
324
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,606
sometimes just
to get a little me time.
325
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,844
Well, real or fake, I'm a little
miffed I wasn't invited.
326
00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,914
How do you get invited
to a fake wedding, Alan?
327
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,716
With a fake invitation.
328
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,652
Obviously.
329
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,856
How come Rose only shows up
when I'm in a good relationship?
330
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:13,026
Where was she when I was dating
the manic-depressive Satanist?
331
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,829
Or that chick
with all the knives?
332
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,898
Don't forget
the pre-op lifeguard.
333
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:20,200
Post-op. She was post-op.
334
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:25,705
Really? Could've sworn I saw
a bulge in that bikini bottom.
335
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,774
The point is, it's like...
336
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:30,110
it's like Rose has
some kind of sixth sense
337
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,412
where she knows when
I'm about to be happy.
338
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,648
It's not a sixth sense--
she follows you around
and watches your every move.
339
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,117
For all we know,
the house is bugged
340
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,785
and she's listening
to us right now.
341
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,488
Hi, Rose.
342
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,755
Yeah, well, if she is...
343
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,858
she overplayed her hand
this time!
344
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,228
And I'm not falling
for this wedding crap!
345
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:52,532
But just in case, shouldn't
we get her a gift?
346
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,101
What?
347
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,869
(whispering): They're having
a sale at Williams-Sonoma.
348
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,338
You want to go halvsies
on a silver pepper mill?
349
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,174
No, I'm not going halvsies
on a silver pepper mill!
350
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,011
Okay, then... okay,
how about a lovely ceramic
351
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,180
cow-shaped creamer, handmade
by the Pennsylvania Dutch?
352
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,716
No gifts.
Why not?
353
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,584
'Cause there's no wedding!
354
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,420
There's no wedding!
355
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,757
Well, you do what you want,
Charlie Harper,
356
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:21,294
but I, Alan Harper, am gonna
get Rose something really nice!
357
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:26,566
Ooh, a set of faux-walnut
napkin rings, only $9.95.
358
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,568
Add to cart.
359
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,605
* Men.
360
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,678
(sighs)
361
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,047
Surprise!
362
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,749
Not really-- you called,
like, 11 times.
363
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,952
These are for you.
364
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,020
Thank you.
365
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,889
It doesn't change anything.
366
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,391
Oh, come on, Michelle,
367
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,127
I can't help it if some
meaningless one-night stand
368
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,596
from years ago is
still obsessed with me.
369
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,366
It's not about her, Charlie,
it's about you.
370
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,335
Okay, I can't help it
if I'm so wonderful
371
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,504
she's still
obsessed with me.
372
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,905
That's not what I meant.
373
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,774
Yeah, I didn't think so.
374
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,177
The fact that you still
have a relationship with her
375
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,246
after all this time
tells me that you have
real feelings for her.
376
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,248
Okay, okay, maybe
we have developed
377
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:18,018
some sort of friendship, but
that doesn't change the fact
378
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,852
that on a very primal level
379
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,521
the woman scares
the hell out of me.
380
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,090
Listen to yourself.
381
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,958
That's exactly what you said
about your housekeeper.
382
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,626
You love her, but
you're scared of her.
383
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,061
And having met your mother,
384
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,929
I'm betting you're
scared of her, too.
385
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:34,001
Well, yeah, but
I don't love her.
386
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,502
Charlie...
387
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,471
What are you trying to say,
I'm in love with Rose?
388
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107
You tell me.
389
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,478
Bye, Charlie.
390
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,887
Okay, I do love Berta.
391
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,058
I suppose
I kind of love my mother.
392
00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,592
Aw, crap.
393
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,563
* Men.
394
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,000
So, today's
the big day, huh?
395
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,901
What big day?
396
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,170
Rose's wedding.
397
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,739
Oh, please!
There's no wedding.
398
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:13,873
You sure about that?
399
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,708
Yeah, I'm sure.
400
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,809
But what if you're wrong?
401
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,111
What do you mean?
402
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,213
I mean, would it make
a difference to you,
403
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,614
knowing that cute little face
404
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,051
will never pop up
over that railing again?
405
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,153
That the one woman
who's always loved you
406
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:30,423
and been there for you
is forever out of reach?
407
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,192
Come on.
408
00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,926
Where are we going?
To the church.
409
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,563
I'm gonna prove to you that
she's not getting married.
410
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,764
Okay.
411
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,100
Aren't we a little underdressed?
412
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,501
There's no wedding.
413
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:44,271
Last chance to go halvsies
on the napkin rings.
414
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,306
There's no wedding.
415
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,076
Only cost you 50 bucks.
416
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,278
* Men.
417
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,983
You see? No wedding.
418
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,186
You got X-ray vision?
419
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:02,122
(scoffs) Come on,
I'll show you.
420
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,125
Just a heads up--
if there's no wedding,
421
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:08,228
you're getting napkin rings
for Christmas.
422
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,931
Go ahead, Alan, look.
423
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,934
Tell me if you
see a wedding.
424
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,337
I see a wedding.
425
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,172
What?
426
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,708
MINISTER:
...two persons present
now come to be joined.
427
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:25,011
Rose and Manfred,
we are here to remember...
428
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,513
Oh, my God.
429
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,015
She's really doing it.
430
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,917
Rose is getting married.
431
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,485
It's not too late
to stop it.
432
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,987
(sighs)
Don't be ridiculous.
433
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,190
It's way too late.
434
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:44,063
Okay, $25 to split the gift--
and I'm losing money.
435
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,099
...why this man and this woman
436
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,435
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
437
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:53,140
let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
438
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,475
And we're clear.
439
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,977
Yep, that
ought to do it.
440
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,479
Thanks, Freddy.
441
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:00,847
My pleasure.
442
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,315
I guess.
443
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,459
* Men.
444
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,296
Unbelievable.
445
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,798
Rose is actually married.
446
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,468
(chuckles)
Mrs. Manfred Quinn.
447
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,770
(big sigh)
448
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,705
I see it now.
449
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,374
I love her.
450
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,143
I've always loved her.
451
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,978
I'm sorry.
452
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:33,746
It's true what
they say, Alan.
453
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,683
You don't know what you
got until it's gone.
454
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:39,686
Well... you still got me.
455
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:43,723
You're not who they had
in mind when they said it.
456
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,361
I'll always
love you, Rose.
457
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,164
(smacks lips)
458
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,401
Mrs. Manny Quinn.
31495
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