All language subtitles for I Give It A Year 2013

(? NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE
BY JESSIE WARE)

Must you? Just here?

ALL: ...three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

(ALL CHEERING)

NAT: I do.

(CHUCKLES)

It now gives me
great pleasure to pronounce you...

(WHISPERING) Excuse me.

(COUGHING)

(CONTINUES COUGHING)

(GUESTS MURMURING)
- You all right?

(WHISPERING) I'm fine.
(COUGHS)

- Something lodged?
- Nothing.

(HUSHED) - Water.
- What?

A glass of water, please.

- Where's the water?
- I don't know.

(COUGHING)

(MINISTER) Oh, dear.

(COUGHING CONTINUES)
(HUSHED) He's getting it from the font!

Mmm.

(COUGHS)
(WATER SPLATTERING)

Jesus Christ. Sorry.

- So sorry. Where were we?
- "I now pronounce you."

- I now pronounce you.
- Yeah.

(STAMMERS)

No, thank you.
I now pronounce you... (MOUTHS)

...husband and wife.

(? SPRING CONCERTO BY VIVALDI)

(MINISTER COUGHING)

HUGH: Look at them.

- Aren't they adorable?
- Yes.

I give it a year.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

DANNY: And for those of you
who don't know me,

and especially if we meet
in the bar later,

my name is,
"Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

(CHUCKLES) "Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

Fornication...

I'll read that again.

For an occasion...

like this.

I want to make sure I keep up
the traditions of being a best man.

Apparently I need to get the groom
to the church on time. Tick.

I need to remember the rings. Did that.
And I need to...

have sex with a bridesmaid. Wahey!

I... To be fair, I wrote these, um...
before I knew they...

I would never have sex with a...

Maybe when they're older.
Never say never.

And keep away from Paedo Rog! Ha-ha!

(CHUCKLES) All right, Paedo?
Nice to have you.

He's come a long way. Good lad.

It's great to see so many people turn up
to see Josh finally tie the knot.

And about time, too.

Nat's got it all.
She's brilliantly clever,

apparently really delivers
in the bedroom.

Like mother like daughter, eh?
He knows what I'm talking about.

And I don't know about you,

but I feel she could easily be a model,
I think we'll agree,

if it wasn't for her nose.

When I first saw her beaver...

...ing away... Beavering away,

cooking Josh a meal,
I knew she was a real catch.

Um, I've got no idea why
her previous boyfriend cheated on her,

but, uh, I'm glad he did.

Cheers to him, wherever he may be.

Probably shagging.

But, uh, no. Um, seriously, Nat.

You're a real eight out of ten, love.
I mean that sincerely.

And we're delighted you and Josh
have found each other.

So, everyone, please,
raise your glasses

as we say a little toast
to Nat and Josh.

ALL: To Nat and Josh!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Nat is literally gonna be cringing
right now.

She hates being the centre of attention.

It is impossible to imagine anyone

looking more beautiful
than you do today, Nat.

And I know how much you love
being the centre of attention.

That's just one of the things
that makes us so different.

Because I'm a thinker, you're a doer.

I'm laissez-faire, you're anal.

Hey, you dirty sod!

On you go.

I think it's fine for a man
to wear Crocs,

and you've made it abundantly clear
you do not.

(CHUCKLES)

I know it's only been seven months,

and some of you think that we're crazy
for getting married, but...

all I know is,
from the first moment I saw you,

I knew that yours was the only face

and the only voice...

- that I would ever need again.
ALL: - Aw!

'Cause in that moment,
everything just changed.

Everything just seemed to fit
so perfectly.

Wahey!

And I'm so lucky that I feel like
I'm only just getting to know you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here's to us.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

- Here's to us.
GUESTS: - Cheers!

(GUESTS CHEERING)

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

(? YOU DO SOMETHING TO ME
BY PAUL WELLER)

Are you happy?

The happiest.

The best two hours and 36 minutes
of my life.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, I had this terrible fear

that you were gonna
do some sort of novelty dance.

(HIP HOP TRACK PLAYS)

Get it on quickly, get it on quickly.
I'm so sorry, Nat.

? I wanna rock right now

(RAPPING)
? I'm Josh Moss and I came to get down

? You're my girl

? My honey, my boo

? I was straight trippin'
when you said "I do"

? All the motherfuckers
in the house say "yo"

? There's something
my nigga's got to know

? It's the shit
to see my dawg get hitched

? Now he can make that ho his bitch

- You can't say those things.
- Don't be a player hater.

Seriously, mate.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Am I right? Put it there, mate.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Aw. That's nice.

Listen, son, you know
it's not easy, don't you?

- The first year is the worst.
- Okay.

- It's true.
- Thank you.

If you can make it through
the first year of marriage,

- you can make it through anything.
- Yeah.

You know, there were times
when your father was late home

- I used to fantasise he'd been killed.
- Did you?

- Mmm.
- That's nice.

Oh, in my mind, it was always the IRA.

Strange, strange.

But things got better
because we love each other.

Tremendous, tremendous.

(BOTH MOANING)

- Shall we go, yeah? This is weird.
- Yes, it's a bit weird.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

(NAT) So, that was nine months ago.
(JOSH) Mmm.

And I think even then
we knew instinctively

something wasn't quite right.

You realised you'd married
beneath yourself.

You thought you could be
with someone better-looking,

better body,
perhaps a professional man?

- Uh, no.
- No.

No, no, I think we were both in love
with the idea of being in love.

You know, and we're at that age
where we're ready to find "the one".

And don't tell me, Josh,
you opened that closet door,

didn't want to live that lie any more.

I picked up on it
the moment you sat down.

Tricks of the trade.
You know, you can tell by the shoes.

No! Oh, Christ, no, no, no, no,
I'm completely straight.

Couldn't be less gay.
I mean, I don't even like...

touching my own penis.

Right, so were there
terrible sexual problems?

Does he have tremendously niche desires?

Did he want to touch you here?

- Uh...
- Never with a pen.

Look, Nat's amazing, obviously.
She's wonderful.

And I think we both really want
to make this work.

But is it possible

that some people
just aren't supposed to be married?

Truthfully, there's just something
in our marriage

that hasn't quite...

- Clicked.
- ...jelled.

So? Was it like a dream?

Well, we ticked every wedding box.

Cake, sweaty uncles dancing to Queen.

People we thought were dead
flying in from Canada.

It was very wedding-y, right?

It was so romantic.

It was just like a Hugh Grant film.

- It was amazing, wasn't it?
- Mmm!

Did you like all the flowers?
We got the most...

I'm sorry.

But can we do this at lunch?

- Right. Absolutely, Helen.
- Thanks.

Ruthlessly efficient, as always.

We should not be talking about

- lace halter necks on company time.
- No.

- What's the story?
- While you were on your holiday,

I took the initiative

and I started gathering ideas
for Guy Harrap.

He's taken over his father's
industrial solvent and bleach empire.

You weren't here, but he basically wants
to make solvents and bleach sexy.

- Fuck off.
(PHONE RINGING)

JOSH OVER SPEAKER: Is that
my dirty little slut of a wife?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Uh, middle of a meeting. What's up?

Maybe I'm just missing
the sexiest wife in the universe.

- Not working today?
- I've got writer's block.

I can't work out whether to call
my main character Ezra

- or David.
- Um, David.

I was at school with an Ezra
who got expelled

for punching a swan in the throat.

Who said the second novel
would be tricky?

Anything else?

No, no, no. I'll see you at three.

- Love...
(DIALLING TONE)

...you.

Sorry, that was my husband.

He has writer's block.

Did I mention that
he was a writer, of books?

- Only about a million times.
- Yeah, Clare mentioned it,

but I've never heard of him. (COUGHS)

Sorry, sorry.

You do realise you're not going
any faster than walking, don't you?

You've got all the superficial
trappings of a run

but there's people walking
much faster than you.

You're just expending
a lot of surplus energy.

Thank you for that analysis.

How late are we?

Well, you, my little friend,
are 10 minutes early.

I told you the wrong time because I knew
you'd never be on schedule.

- Right.
- Mmm!

I'm just trying to work out
if I find that endearing

or it makes me want to bludgeon you
to death with a shovel.

- No, it's endearing.
- I think it's a shovel.

- It's endearing.
- Do we have a shovel?

Well, firstly, a hearty "mazoltov"
for your marriage.

- I think it's "mazel tov", isn't it?
- Thank you.

- Mmm?
- I always thought it was "mazel tov".

I don't know, I'm not Jewish.

Oh.

But, as you know, whilst everything
may seem so happy now,

of course you could be
struck down at any time.

Cancer. Heart disease. Meningitis.

Hit by a truck.

- Bam!
(GASPS)

I had a client who was kicked to death
by a group of disaffected youths

high on meow meow.

She'd just left the house
to get potatoes.

- Just potatoes.
- Shit.

And the tragedy was,

she hadn't thought to make a will.

- Or a Tesco home delivery.
(CHUCKLES)

What?

Yeah.

She was only identifiable
by her dental records.

Why, what had they done to her?

They'd made impressions of her teeth.

Still, fortunately, you two have had
the presence of mind

to plan for your future.

So, have you considered
what would happen

if either of you
fell into a persistent...

(STUMBLES) - ...vegetatative state?
- A what, sorry?

Persistent vegetatative state.

Mmm.
One too many T's there. "Vegetative."

Have you considered what would happen
if you fell into...

one of these guys?

Just pillow talk, really.

No, I think we did decide
that we'd both like to be left to die.

Excellent, yes.
We just switched off my aunt.

- I'm sorry.
- Aw.

No, it's all right.
It's no quality of life.

And we freed up a socket
for a lava lamp.

Ah.

It's transformed the lounge.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Largely losing her, to be fair.

Now, can we go through a few of these?
Just give me a yes or no.

Are we switching the life support off?

Brain dead?

BOTH: - Switch it off.
- Switch it off. Get it off.

Locked-in syndrome?

That's the one where you're paralysed
but you can still wink.

It's all the...

It's the dribble, isn't it,
that I couldn't handle.

- Constantly mopping up phlegm.
JOSH: - I wouldn't want that.

You wouldn't want that.
That's why you're murdering your wife.

(GRUNTS)

So, are you switching it off?

- Sorry, what are you doing?
NAT: - Off!

- Switch it off, yeah.
- Off she goes!

Night-night.

Um, brain-damaged and vegetative.

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

Um, brain stem undamaged.

So you're breathing,
you're swallowing, you're fine,

but you are still literally
a shell of a person

with no capacity
for any emotion or thought.

Much like my Susan.

My little joke.

(CHUCKLES)

- Off, off.
- Off, yeah, off.

Get that off, off, off, off!

Well, this is slightly more depressing

- than I'd imagined.
- Oh, no. Come one.

And you haven't even
received my bill yet. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

That's a good 'un. That is a good 'un.

- An electric peppermill?
(WHIRRING)

I can't believe you got
an electric peppermill.

We thought we had to have
at least one dinner party

to use all the crap we got bought.

At least that's a useful gift.

D'you know what I mean?
I hate those gifts where someone says,

"Do you know what I've done for you?"

"I've donated to charity
on your behalf."

"Have you? Really?" Bollocks to that.

If I'm getting married, why should some
African fella get a couple of goats?

I want a fucking smoothie maker,
d'you know what I mean?

- Did you get them goats?
- Four of them.

- Four goats?
- Yeah.

That's a lovely gift, that,
because they need goats.

African fella's pleased.

Go on, tell us about your honeymoon.

It was lovely. It was idyllic.

Morocco's beautiful.

- Amazing place, yeah.
NAT: - Yeah.

It was just a bit long, really.

I was really sad when we came back.

NAT: Well, things hit a low point
when we found ourselves

in the Essaouira Museum
of Leather Manufacturing

discussing if we had a superpower,
what would it be?

I actually really enjoyed that.
I thought that was really fun.

DANNY: I think if I was
gonna have any superpower,

it would be the ability
to speak Spanish.

That would be amazing, wouldn't it?
Because you could say stuff like,

- Hola, gazpacho.
NAT: - You just said it.

JOSH: - You're saying it now.
- Oh, wow.

Hmm.

Not strictly speaking a superpower,
though, is it, really?

Otherwise everyone in Brazil
would be superheroes.

Mmm, true.

They speak Portuguese in Brazil.

You cock.

(LAUGHS)

- Mmm?
- Keep it for the car.

Um, so... Wait, so, Josh,

- what did you choose?
- Boring, really. Super-strength.

That's what I would choose, too!

I think it would be so handy
to be able to open, like, jam jars.

Jam jars! That's exactly...
Isn't that exactly what I said?

- That's exactly what you said.
JOSH: - That's exactly what I said.

- That's so funny.
- That is so funny.

Are we eight years old, all of a sudden?
This is what children talk about.

All right, Nat, calm down,
we were only having a joke.

Yeah, joke's over.

Ooh. "Grounds for divorce dot corn."

Shut up, you "bell-end dot-co-dot-uk".

To be honest, I'm not sure
you could get a divorce

because I'm not even sure
you're officially married.

Because they never officially split up.

(CHUCKLING)

- What?
- What?

They never officially split up.

What are you talking about?

- You never officially broke up, did you?
(MOUTHING)

Yeah, actually it's, um...
it's pretty funny, really,

because, um, when I left for Africa,

we sort of never formally ended it.

Never formal.

(CHLOE CHUCKLES)

We just sort of... We left it open.

Wide open.

Then I ended up
being gone for four years.

- About four years...
- But what's four years, really?

(CHUCKLES)

(PEPPERMILL WHIRRING)

I've told you this.

- Nat. Nat.
- Hmm?

I've told you this.

He wasn't happy, though,
I'll tell you, that time.

Honestly, we used to refer to 2008
as the sort of... as the "lost year".

- Mate.
- He would just sit there in his pants.

You know, drinking and playing
Grand Theft Auto, masturbating.

- No!
(GROANS)

DANNY: Sometimes all three at once.

That's an impressive thing.
I couldn't do that.

I could practise for ages,
I wouldn't be able to do that.

Imagine that on Britain's Got Talent.

Nat, I'm really sorry about that,
back there.

I just... I thought that you knew.

Oh, no, don't be silly.
It was years ago.

2008, I was still using
"LOL" un-ironically

and wearing ballet flats.

Look at those.
You look really cute in those.

- Thanks, thanks.
- Pretty.

Um...

Yeah, well, you know,
it really was a long time ago

and we were both so young.

We were so different back then.

And now he's married
to the coolest woman on the planet.

You're sweet.

I thought,
"I've got it made, I married a doctor."

And then you realise,
you're gonna wake up every day

to the same hairy ears.

The same slightly deformed
fungal toenail.

And you're gonna have to
listen to that weird,

ear-throat-clearing sound they make

every day until you are dead.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

And the same penis.

I may, literally,
never see another penis again.

Unless it's a small child's.

Or if you get sexually assaulted.

(CHUCKLES)

And Josh's is lovely. You know,
we have an incredible sex life.

But that's not the point, you know.

I love Michael Jackson's
Off the Wall album.

I wouldn't necessarily want to only
listen to that for the rest of my life.

Yeah. Oh, honey, I've been there.

I mean, you'll listen to it a lot
in the beginning.

You'll listen to it
in all different sorts of places.

You'll listen to it in the car,

in the disabled toilet cubicle
in the McDonald's in Egham,

in your unconscious granny's
hospital room.

- Granny Mary?
- It's what she would have wanted.

But then, you know,

you're just gonna get to the point

where you're not that bothered
about listening to music at all.

You just play it on birthdays,

or when you're very, very drunk.

Or...

if someone shows you
a Justin Bieber video

when you're in the office

and, you know, all you can
then think about is that.

Isn't he, like, 15?

Oh, he'd know what to do.

I'd ruin Bieber.

You would. You would ruin him.

(GRUNTING)

Fuck.
It's the soundtrack to my marriage.

Don't get married, you.
Too late for you.

Penny for them.

Your thoughts. How you doing?

Hey, Danny.

(GROANS)

Let's get the party started.

Get comfy. Get comfy.

(BOTH SIGHING)

(INDISTINCT)

You know, I shouldn't really tell you
this, but I was talking to Josh...

(CHLOE CLEARS THROAT)
- ...and, urn,

he said that the sex
between him and Nat

is amazing.

He said that it blows everything
he's had in the past out the water.

Out of the water!

- Wow. That is tremendous news.
- Tremendous news for him,

- he's really pleased, yeah.
- It's... Yeah.

I suppose that's not really your thing,
is it? Sex and sexiness.

You're more...
How would you describe yourself?

Kind of "kind," do you know what I mean?
Charitable.

It's a shame, in a way,
that they couldn't put...

your brain in her body. D'you know
what I mean? That would be amazing.

Although what would you be left with?
You'd be left with, like...

Ooh, you'd be left
with her brain in your body.

Imagine that.
Just rampaging around, out of control.

(GRUNTS) "What's that?"

"Oh, my God, it's like Frankenstein,

but with, like, boobs."
(MOCK-SCREAMING)

Villagers coming out
with pitchforks and torches. "Kill it!"

- It'd be just terrifying.
- It would be terrifying.

It would be horrible.

No. Joking, joking. I'd do you.

- If you wanted. You know.
- Thank you.

If I had to make a top-10
of women I know that I would do,

you'd be in that list.

Number seven. All right?

- Thank you. Thanks, Danny.
- Seriously.

Do you want to get a drink sometime?
Maybe pop out and get a drink sometime?

Um, I... No.

- Yeah?
- No.

You say no, I say yes.

(LAUGHS)

NAT: So, remember to play up
our ethical credentials.

Don't mention the BP campaign.

And let's emphasise the online campaign
we did for Greenpeace.

Our job is to convince people

his solvents won't render the planet
a barren, lifeless husk

- unfit for future generations.
CLARE: - Piece of piss.

How are we gonna do that, then?

Well, if he's a cheapskate like his dad,

we suggest making the typeface
green and yellow

and sticking some sort of
sunflower or butterfly on the logo.

It's textbook.

Depressingly, you could be right.

I expect he'll be
some sort of tasteless Yank,

obsessed with how we're all so quaint,

spell "colour" with a

worship Benny Hill
and then say "awesome" a lot.

Yeah. And he'll probably do
that Austin Powers accent.

You know the one. "Yeah, baby!"

(CLARE LAUGHS)

HELEN: I didn't watch that film

because it's absolutely
not my cup of tea.

And then plump for whatever
turns out to be the cheapest option.

That's my prediction.

- You're not eating today?
- There's a lot of mercury in that.

Then why don't you get
a fucking sandwich?

I am gonna get
a fucking sandwich, Clare,

but I'm not gonna have one
with bread in it

because I'm a coeliac. You know that.

So I was thinking about your book.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I reckon that I prefer
"Ezra" to "David" as a name.

There was a David at school who,
if you paid him 50 cents,

was prepared to lick anything.

- Literally anything.
- Let's talk about it over dinner

because Nat's out tonight,
another work thing.

I'm starving.

I mean, obviously, it's all relative.

I feel their plight.

I only had a Kinder Bueno for lunch.

Mmm, I can't tonight.
I'm going out with Charlie.

What, again?
That's the third time in two weeks.

(CHUCKLES) You're counting?

Sorry to interrupt.

Those articles you wanted
from this morning.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

So, what, am I just supposed
to stay home

in the hopes you've got a free night?

No.

I just don't want to see you
getting hurt, that's all.

(PHONE RINGING)

(WHISPERING) Is that him?

(WHISPERING) Yeah.

JOSH: Well, I see someone managed
to find a Burger King out in Sudan.

I've just seen Guy Harrap in reception!

And I would jump on him
like a bouncy castle.

Remember to take off your shoes,
and no somersaults.

- I need your ring.
- What?

- We really need this account.
- Are you on drugs?

Come on, it's not like you're gonna
jump into bed with the man.

(DOOR OPENS)
- Clare!

What's up?

- Guy Harrap.
NAT: - Hello.

Who we got here?

Natasha Redfearn, Accounts Director.

- Sweet.
- Hi.

Is there anything we can offer you?

Hot diggity dog,
I love the way you say that.

Huh? The way she says that? "Offer"?

Off.. Can you say that again?

- Oh...
(MIMICS) "Offer" me.

Um, offer.

- There it is. There it is.
(CHUCKLES)

- Here, give me some of that.
- Oh.

- All right. Pound it.
- Yes. Oh.

I got an idea. Let's sit down,
let's talk some business. Huh?

NAT: Mr Harrap, we're delighted
that you've come to us

to take Harraps Solvents forward

and rebrand in the fresh challenges
presented by the new media climate.

Awesome. Totally awesome. Bingo, huh?

We're very pleased
with some of the concepts

we've come up with
for the new incarnation of Harraps.

Yeah, as long as you don't fob me off
with some yellow-and-green font.

I mean, how many times
have we seen that, right?

Yes, exactly. No.

Too many! Far...

(STAMMERING) What we were pla...
What we were thinking is to take...

- a holistic approach...
GUY: - Mmm-hmm.

...focusing on the core brand values
of integrity...

Integrity.

Got it. Thank you.

...responsibility...

- that epitomise...
- Mmm.

...what Harraps stands for.

Harraps. That's very good.

Well, to be honest, at Oxford,
my economics professor

favoured a fully integrated
four-quadrant strategy

cohesive across all media,

presenting an instantly accessible,

aesthetic, philosophical
and commercial identity

consistent with an ethical
contemporary market leader

whilst embracing
its legacy of integrity.

Yeah, baby!

(CLARE GIGGLING) That's Austin Powers.

I love that film.

- I'm so sorry, I just...
- I know.

You thought I was a tasteless Yank
obsessed with how quaint you all are.

That's so quaint.

It's incredibly embarrassing.

But we have plenty of
other proposals to show you.

No, I don't need to see them.
These things aren't done in boardrooms.

We should get to know each other,
Miss Redfearn.

A holistic approach, as you say.

(NAT CHUCKLES)

Well, agreed, but, uh.

But from the outset, you should
know that I've just got, um...

another account that I have to focus on
for the next few days.

- It's been a pleasure.
- Thanks.

- I'm so sorry again for the...
- No, please.

Bye.

Bye.

(MOUTHS)

When we first met, I just thought
Josh was exactly what I needed.

You know, I felt...

so safe, and then...

(MOBILE RINGING)

I think what she's trying to say is,

is that the everyday
reality of marriage

started to overtake the fairytale,

- the fantasy, right?
- Ooh, hark at you.

Somebody swallowed a copy
of Eat, Pray, Love.

- No, I think as... we...
(MOBILE RINGING)

I'm gonna have to take this.

Yep, fine, I'm in a session.

Can't you pick them up?

Give me two minutes.

Talk about your feelings
or your father or something.

ANGELA RIPPON: Coming up
on Cash in the Attic,

a delightful silver brooch
made by a celebrated war hero.

The bin's full.

- Can you take it out?
- Yeah.

The One Tree Hill omnibus
is about to start.

Lauren's about to tell Jake
that baby Connor's not his.

(GASPS) Oh, Christ.
Your husband is so adorable.

Yes. He really is.

So ostentatious.

Have you seen my phone?

No. When did you last have it?

Well, if I knew that,
it wouldn't be lost, would it?

That's the point
of something being lost.

(GRUNTS)

You're always here.

Why are you always here?

(FROG CROAKING OVER LAPTOP)

Come and have a look at this video
of a monkey fucking a bullfrog.

He's killed it!

He's killed it by fucking it!

(GRUNTS)

(? SWEET DREAMS BY EURYTHMICS)

(SINGING ALONG)
? Sweet dreams are made of this

? Who am I to disagree?

? I travel the world in generic jeans

? Everybody's...

Seriously, Nat.
Seriously, hang on a sec.

Why do you never get
the words to a song right?

Does it really matter?

What, "I've travelled the world
in generic jeans"?

Really? Come on.

I was just singing.
Didn't realise it was so important.

Do you really think that
Annie Lennox is singing about

whether she happened to travel
the world in Levis or Wranglers?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Wow.

And while we're at it,
Elton John isn't singing,

"Hold me close and tie me down, sir."

Kurt Cobain isn't singing,
"Here we are now in containers."

If you can't sing it right,
don't sing at all. It's idiotic.

Says the man dressed as a pea.

LINDA: I can't believe we're having
the same fucking row!

Oh! Not listening!
Not listening! Not listening!

No! Fuck you!

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God,
you're such an arsehole!

Yes, you are!
You are such a cock-sucking,

shit-stabbing, fucking arsehole!

I could just fucking stab you
right in the eyes!

What the fuck are you looking at?

You could do with a fuck!

No, not you! Nobody wants to fuck you!

You fucking frigid arsehole!

Yeah, fuck you!

GUY: So, here we are.

The hub of the Harraps empire.

What do you think?

Hopefully, you can see why I wanted you
to check this place out.

It's state-of-the-art and responsible
for a turnover last year of 37 million.

If you squirted air from a large space
into a slightly smaller space last year,

chances are
you did it through one of these.

Every time I squirt out
a little bit of air,

I'll think of you.

That sounded weird,
but you know what I mean.

Yeah, sure.

There's someone I want you to meet.

Janet's been working here for,
what, 42 years?

Forty-three in June. Hello.

Yep, my grandfather exploited her,
my father exploited her,

now I get to exploit her.

He's a good lad, this one.
He takes care of us.

You won't find anybody here
with a bad word to say about him.

Except Sarah.

But she's a proper shithouse.

Really?

He just needs to settle down,
start a family.

So, what do you think?

- Wife material?
- Definitely.

Better than the last one.

You should see some of the...

Yeah, I could dock your wages
for insubordination.

Get back to work.

Clostridium acetobutylicum
doesn't acidogenically ferment itself.

(CHUCKLES)

It looks like you've got
the Janet seal of approval.

I'm not sure I'm the marrying type.

You realise you'd be the heir
to a solvents fortune.

And that's not to be sniffed at.

Literally, it could
result in convulsions,

coma, severe brain damage,

and in some cases, mental retardation.

(LAUGHS)

They do all seem remarkably happy here.
Is it the fumes?

These people, they're like family to me.

I've grown up on this factory floor.

I spent every summer here
since I was two.

If you're good to people,
people will be good to you.

It's what my dad taught me.
It's what I want to teach my kids.

And I want to end all wars
and cure cancer.

(LAUGHS)

- All right?
- Yeah. What?

You really... You don't have to come
tonight if you don't want to.

No, I want to be there.
Your husband should support you.

You look incredible.

I warn you, you'll be bored to tears

'cause I'm gonna
have to network all night.

(DOOR BUZZING)
- That's the cab. Seriously.

- Last chance to bail.
- No, I want to go. I love a party.

Uh, will I need a coat? Is it cold out?

Why do you always ask me that?

How should I know if you need a coat?

I've been outside today,
you've been outside today.

I have precisely the same amount
of meteorological information as you do.

Josh!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

I wouldn't want to be stuck behind him
going through airport security.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Because it's all metal. (LAUGHING)

He's so funny, your husband.
You've got a good one there.

NAT: Thanks, that's sweet.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Why don't you, um, go and mingle?

There's a band upstairs.

No, I think I'm gonna stay here.
But you go, mingle, enjoy yourself.

Are you staying here because you think
you have a good joke about that photo?

What?

You are!

You're staying here so you can
say that joke about the photo.

It's a good joke.
I actually have a couple.

Wouldn't want to be behind him
going through airport security.

(ALL LAUGHING)

At least, if you went out with him,

you'd always have a little place
to hang your coat.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm Josh Moss. Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Ooh! She's gone.

You could put your keys on there,
couldn't you? (CHUCKLES)

JANE: I think that's just what happens
when you sleep next to an open sewer.

Had amoebic dysentery. Twice.

In Rwanda at one point,

I was actually defecating
pieces of my colon.

(SOFT INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC THRUMMING)

Miss Redfearn.

Guy!

Lovely to see you. I er...
I didn't realise you were here.

You know, it's actually good
that I ran into you

because I was thinking about
some of those community outreach...

Could we take one night off
from talking shop?

Am I allowed to say
you're looking incredible?

Technically, no. (CHUCKLES)

That would constitute sexual harassment.

You're right. The rules and regulations
on that are very strict these days.

I actually have a copy of the Sexual
Discrimination Act 2007 in my hotel room

if you'd like to come back
and peruse it.

(LAUGHS)

Although Christmas parties
don't really count.

They're an opportunity
to tell the person

you've had a secret crush on all year

how you really feel about them.

Aren't they?

Are they?

Of course.

I think protocol and decorum
go right out the window.

I mean, look at that guy.

That is embarrassing.

Who is he?

Leave him alone, he's just had a few.

Hang on.
He's attempting the Beyonc� booty shake.

Either that or he's being
sodomised by the Invisible Man.

Oh, he's just had a few
too many cocktails.

He's wasted.

- Having a good time.
- Yeah, sure is.

JOSH: Oi, oi!

Hold on.
Look out, here comes twinkle toes.

He's making a beeline.

I got your back,
I'll just say I'm your boyfriend.

- No, you don't have to do that.
- It's fine.

This party's amazing. So much fun.

Guy Harrap. Pleased to meet you.

Oh! The solvents guy!

How are you? Nice to meet you.
He's so handsome, isn't he?

(JOSH GROWLING)

Whoo!

(GLASS SHATTERING)
- Bollocks.

Sorry.

Come on!

Is that...

Yeah, I suppose that's what
office parties are for, huh?

That's hilarious!

Free booze and a chance
to make out with the boss.

Well, I'm technically self-employed,

so I'll just have to settle for
a can of Budweiser and a wank.

Charming.

Can I ask the sexiest woman in the room
for a dance?

Listen, I...

We're actually talking business.
So, maybe later.

(? BONKERS BY DIZZEE RASCAL)
- Wait, they're playing your song.

Shouldn't you be busting a move?

(HOWLS)

You almost have to admire him
for giving it a go.

You owe me one.

How about we make our excuses?

I have a table on hold at Nobu.

No, I can't, I've a...

I should go.
I think I need some fresh air.

Sure.

Hang on, I'm swapping hands.

So, you had an extra naan
and two glasses of wine,

so you owe an extra four pounds.

Drew... (CLICKS TONGUE)

...you had the mango lassi,
so that's an extra three pounds.

I swear, the mass graves in Mogadishu
weren't as awful as this.

Do you want to bail?

JANE:
Did you have the chicken jalfrezi?

I want to stay. It's fun.

No, I've said hello
to everybody I need to.

It's just gonna get messy
and it's no fun being a spectator.

MAN: I wouldn't like to be stood
behind him at airport security.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- That was my joke! He stole it!

He's taking credit for my humour.
Should I say something?

Jesus, Josh!

When did you turn into such a prat?

Stay. Dance like a fucking idiot,
tell your stupid jokes. I'm going home.

MAN: That hoop in his ear,
he could hang his house keys on it.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

God, you are so sexy.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERING) You're so sexy.

Thanks.

(CHARLIE MOANING)

Hey, that's it, honey, slide in,
room for one more. Huh?

Hey, Alexandra.

You look really nice.

Different from work.

Do you two want to have
a little hello kiss?

- Um, hello.
- That's it.

Hi.

Mmm, that's it.

Did you guys like that dinner tonight?

Did you go for the rice or the naan?

I went for the naan.

CHARLIE: Yeah? Mmm!

You are so naughty.

- Why are you so naughty?
(GIGGLING)

I don't know, Charlie, why is that?

Did your mom smoke
during her pregnancy?

Oh, okay.

All right.

That's it. Yeah, I like that.

Threesome.
We're going to have a threesome.

We're having a threesome.

Let's go.

- Chloe's climbing aboard.
- That's it.

Here we go. Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

Chloe's on top now.

The cherry on top.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Now she's on the bottom.

Chloe loves being on bottom.

Oh, yes.

Yes, squeeze my breast.
That feels amazing.

Nao para, Charlie.

Yeah, Charlie,

I can speak another language as well.

Me llamo Chloe, Charlie.

Yo tengo un hermano!

(BOTH MOANING)

- That's it.
- Okay.

Okay. Yeah, that's it.

Chloe's in the middle now.

Okay.

- Oh, yes. It feels amazing, doesn't it?
(CHARLIE MOANING AGREEMENT)

Feels so good.

(CHARLIE MOANING)

God, you're strong, Alexandra.

Yes.

(ALEXANDRA SQUEALS)
(CHLOE GROANS)

Down here again.

Oh, yeah, put your fingers in my mouth.
I love that.

Especially after Indian. It's amazing.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. No!

All right. Enough!

I am leaving!

You people, you're sick!

(MOANING)

I actually forgot my skirt.

I'm sorry.

Okay, thanks. Thanks, everybody.

And FYI, you both still have
your underwear on.

(EXCLAIMING IN PORTUGUESE)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(MOBILE CHIMES)

(ON MESSAGE) Hey, it's Chloe.
I really need to speak to you.

(DOOR BUZZING)

CHLOE: - Hey.
- Hi, it's me.

I demand you let me in. I've got coffee

and a bag
of those little sweets you like

that look like mini fried eggs.

(DOOR BUZZING)

It was humiliating, degrading.

(SIGHS)

I don't even know how I got myself
into that position.

I am not a threesome person.

I don't know what bits to touch when.

Listen, fuck him.

If he doesn't realise
how amazing you are,

then he's an idiot.

- He doesn't deserve you.
- Yeah, right.

I mean, look at me.

I'm in a rented flat

wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants
dressing gown,

eating a mixture of
animal fat and sugar

made to look like a fried egg.

I'm 32 years old.

Yeah, and you've spent
your whole life doing things

which make everybody else
look shallow, trivial and pointless.

I think it's slightly more important
to be able to limit

the spread of an epidemic

than know how to conduct yourself
in a threesome.

You do?

I mean, for the purposes
of this conversation, sure.

Honestly, I just want someone
to look after me for a change.

Well, I'll look after you.

You can't.

You've already got someone
to look after.

(SIGHS)

Listen, I'm completely all right.

I promise not to end it all.

I don't even own a razor. I wax.

I think it's pretty hard
to wax yourself to death.

(CHUCKLES)

You can leave. I'm okay.

No, it's all right.

I'm putting off my Christmas shopping.

I'm trying to figure out
what to buy Nat.

What does she like?

I've no idea.

- I was thinking casserole dishes, maybe.
(GROANS)

I simply cannot let you
get your new wife

- casserole dishes for Christmas.
- Why?

(LAUGHS) I mean...

- Let me help you out.
- A griddle pan.

- No!
- A set of knives.

Enough. I'm gonna go and get changed.

(SIGHS)

Thanks, Josh.

Ah, it's all right.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hello.

- You okay?
- Mmm-hmm. Can I ask...

why we're meeting in your hotel?

You do know I'm not going
up to your room, don't you?

Oh! No, of course not. Purely business.

No sexual tension whatsoever.

No undercurrent of erotic electricity

between two ludicrously attractive
single people.

None. Absolutely not.

Good.

It's your time you're paying for.

So, we need to lock down a date
for the website.

It's just there are some tiny kittens
up in my room

playing adorably with a ball of wool.

- If you're interested.
- Cat faeces makes you go blind.

- I'm not going to your room.
- Okay. You win.

We'll work and completely ignore the
palpable sizzle of sensual possibility

every time our bodies
accidentally touch.

I've booked a boardroom down the hall.

Shall we?

Yeah, basically, I'm looking
for something for my wife.

You know, pair of pants
and a brassiere, perhaps.

Something that's long-lasting
and practical.

Goodness, is that man-made fibre?

Or is it, um, natural?

Or is it a mixture of the two?
Because that's often the way these days.

Helps with, um, durability and so on.

I mean, that's a lovely bit of kit.
Look at that.

That's a formidable gusset.
You could not break that.

- Were you looking for a panty?
- Christ. Am I...

(BURBLES)

A panty.

Uh... (MUMBLING)

He has trouble with the word "panty",
I think.

No, I don't. "Panty."
I'm looking for a panty, mon ch�ri.

A portion of your
finest panties, milord.

Right.
Um, perhaps I should just ask you.

After all, you are standing right here.

(IMITATES BUZZING)
(LAUGHING)

Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm not his wife.

- No way.
- I'm just helping out,

making sure he doesn't buy
his actual wife vouchers.

Well, you can't actually go wrong
with vouchers.

Christ, is that really the price?

I could buy half an 18-litre
dehumidifier for that.

- Sir.
- Yes.

We like to celebrate the erotic here.

Celebrate.
"One-nil. Oy-oy! I scored a goal."

- You don't need to be ashamed.
- I'm not ashamed of anything.

- Embrace it.
- I'll embrace you.

I didn't mean that, I'm really sorry.

It's all right. Why don't you tell me...

- Yeah?
- ...what turns you on?

Uh... What turns me on?

I don't... What, really?

I, uh, I like it...
I like it when she...

dresses up like a policewoman,
or estate agent.

We haven't met,
and she forces me to do things to her

that I would never normally do.

- Right.
- Yeah.

I was thinking
more along the lines of lace.

Were you?

- Satin?
- Satin.

Fishnets?

Fishnets, the fish of the sea.
Fish of the sea. A trawlerman.

I once saw a trawlerman.

You must know the lucky lady.

Any thoughts?

You're as useless at all this sexy stuff
as I am, aren't you?

You're happy with a thermal nightie,
a Stieg Larsson and a nice milky tea.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm just gonna go have a browse.
Leave you to it.

Oh, this is nice.

They also have a wonderful restaurant.

I wouldn't think of staying
anywhere else when I'm in London.

So, what is our strategy
when it comes to online awareness?

So, the idea is to drive the consumer
to the site through...

Oysters?

Oysters?

Seriously, Guy.

They must have run out
of Highland shortbread.

To drive consumers to the site
through a unified multiplatform...

(WHIRRING)

A unified multiplatform approach,
accessible with...

(PLAYING SOFT MUSIC)

Yes, go on. Platforms, that was good.

Well, traditional media
should not be ignored, either.

Doves? Really?

I think you're amazing, Nat.

I know it's unprofessional
and clich�, but...

I'm married.

What?

I'm married. I have a husband.

How can you?
Why didn't you say something?

For all this time,
you didn't think to tell me?

I didn't say anything because
I thought we'd get the account if...

if I flirted with you.

And then I liked flirting with you
too much for any of this to stop.

Well, this wouldn't be happening
if you were happy with your husband.

What am I supposed to say?

I can't leave him, he'd be destroyed.
Look, I'm really sorry,

but that dove's getting
awfully close to the ceiling fan.

Who is this guy? Do you have children?

- How long have you been married?
- Look, that's irrelevant. He's...

He's dependable and...

(SCREAMS)

...and he's kind and safe,

and I can't throw that all away for you.

I mean, you're charming and twinkly.

Look, you're a Ferrari and he's a Volvo,
and right now...

I just need to be
behind the wheel of a Volvo.

I need... (WAILING)

(THUDDING)

I need reliability

and to be able to get from A to B
safe and unhurt.

Oh! God!

Dove down, dove down!

It's okay, I think it's just stunned.
Can you...

- Do you want me to stop now?
- Yes.

Listen, Nat. I'm not giving up.

From the minute I met you
I've thought of nothing else.

Do you think I care if our logo
has a drop shadow or is italicised? No.

I'm looking for excuses to see you.

VIOLINIST: Come on.

GUY: And I'm not twinkly.

I don't twinkle with anyone else.

(GASPS)

You make me twinkly.

Ugh! God!

- That's supposed to be lucky.
(SCREAMS)

Look, as might be evident, I've never
done this kind of thing before,

but I would regret it forever
if I didn't try everything I could.

Married or not,
I need to be with you, Nat.

Mind... Mind, um... Sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Perhaps in hindsight
you shouldn't have gone with the doves.

Thanks.

- You like those, sir?
- Uh, yeah.

Crotchless. Interesting, lovely, yeah.
Do you get much of a call for those?

CHLOE: - Shit.
- Everything all right in there?

Yeah, I just...
I think this hook is caught.

Yeah, I got it.
Uh, yeah, I have to admit

I'm not very good with
buttons or zips or that sort of thing.

Usually I... Holy fucking shit.

I mean, who needs a dehumidifier, right?

Sure, I get a bit of condensation on my
bedroom window sometimes, but it's fine.

- Will you just close the...
- Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry.

- Um...
- Look, were they always like that?

'Cause, I mean, they're unbelievable.

I just thought that
I would try something unpractical.

Do you think that Nat
would like something like this, or...

Nat?

Oh, of course.
Yeah, she'd look really nice.

She'd look good.

Um...

Yeah, but I think maybe the...

- I don't know if it's...
- What is it?

I don't know if it's caught on the tag.

I don't know what I did.

Your hair's in the way,
I'm just gonna...

You know those, um,

strips that they put in pants...

if you want to try them on?

Do you think that's to prevent
against gonorrhoea or chlamydia?

That's the one these days, Chlamydia.
That's...

(STAMMERING)
Or so I've... so I've read.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I don't know why I did that.

No. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

CLAUDIA: Excuse me, sir,
will you be paying for that?

Christ, I expect so.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know
how I feel about you

- and I don't want to let you slip away.
- It's very complicated.

- Chloe, that was really bad.
- I know.

I mean, not the kiss or the visuals,
that was lovely,

- but I'm married.
- I know.

Oh, great, it's goddamn Beyonc�.

What?! Fuck!

- Beyonc� is my husband!
- What?

Beyonc� is my husband!

- Beyonc� is Josh.
- Him?

Yes.

Nat!

- Hello, darling!
- How weird!

- What a treat.
- How are you?

- Hi, Chloe.
- Hi.

- Guy, right?
- Yeah. Josh?

Yeah, that's right. Nice to see you.

Guy, this is Chloe.
She's a wonderful, uh...

charity worker.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, we were just doing
some Christmas shopping.

We were just having a meeting
around the corner.

- Oh, were you?
- Yeah.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- Did you have fun last night?
- Oh, it was awesome, awesome.

Did you manage to get lucky
with the ladies?

No. Actually,
the girl I had my eye on blew me off.

I ended up alone in the hotel
with a mini sleeve of Pringles

watching Malaysian golf on Eurosport.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
- That's hilarious.

I find that incredibly
difficult to believe.

Well, it's true, it's true.

What, a man as good-looking as you?

Fabulous face, amazing hair,
wonderful teeth.

- A real hunk of spunk.
- Thank you.

Amazing skin, that's what...
Hasn't he got incredible skin?

- You do.
- Thank you.

It's inspirational.

Chloe's single. Aren't you?

And she's American.

And you're... you could...
(AMERICAN ACCENT) ...ride the subway

and have a malt at the Five and Dime.

If that takes your fancy.

If you want to.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Poor Chloe could probably think
of nothing worse,

but maybe if we all
went out together sometime,

- that could be cool.
- Ooh!

You could set that up,
couldn't you, Nat? Is that all right?

Yes, yes, absolutely.
I will organise it. I'll organise it.

Awesome.

- Great.
- Okay.

- Dinner after Christmas.
- Dinner.

Yeah, sarsaparilla
and hot dogs all round.

- Very nice to meet you.
- You, too. You, too.

Things really hit a low point
around Christmas.

His family's so weird.

- That's not nice.
- They are. Come on.

I caught your mother googling,
"Can cat urine be used as fertiliser?"

She's got lots of cat urine.
She might as well use it.

Why the fuck has she got
lots of cat urine?

Hey! Merry Christmas!

JOSH: At least my family are friendly.

- Nat!
JOSH: - Hi, Mum. You all right?

You didn't exactly endear yourself
with the charades debacle.

HUGH: Here we go.

- Play.
- Television.

Four words. First word.

NAOMI: Unconscious.
NAT: Dead.

- Tapping. Computer.
- Hanging. Vera Duck.

DIANA: Letters.
NAOMI: Braille.

- Red.
- Impotent! Thick!

NAOMI: Stupid.
HUGH: Man.

NAOMI: Effeminate.
GRANDMA: Husband?

NAOMI: Annoying idiot.
GRANDMA: Father?

Disappointment. Shame. Regret.

- Profession.
- Lazy.

Doctor. "Doctor," thank you.

"Doctor" is not the first thing
you think of when you look at him.

- Four words. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!
- Doctor Zhivago.

NAT: Quick, quick, quick,
you've got a minute!

Go, go, go!

HUGH: - Second word.
- Sounds like... sister.

- Nat.
- Fit. Sexy.

- Young girl?
- Wife. Uh, woman.

Nat, bat, sat, rat, cat, hat.

Wife. Beautiful. Uh... The splits!

- Cellist!
- Cello!

NAT: - Hilary and Jackie.
- Family. Family.

- What are you...
- Barren.

Baron M�nchausen! Sorry, no. Um...

Um...

(STAMMERING) Vagina.

Pussy. Minge. Twat. Foo-foo.

Clunge. Uh, growler.

Quim.

HUGH: Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim!

Dr Quim and his Casebooks!

- Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.
- That's it.

- Get away from me.
- What?

DIANA: - You all right, Mother?
(WHIMPERING)

What else rhymes with "Quinn"?

Sounds like "chin"?

Sounds like "bin".

Yeah, all right, bloody Lionel Blair.

Look, I was tired.

I'd hardly slept,
I wasn't thinking straight

because your evil stepdad
had put me in that bedroom.

(MUSIC BOX JINGLING)
- Just to punish me.

NAT: I would argue that you got
a better night's sleep

- than I did at your parents' house.
(THUDDING ON CEILING)

(MOANING) - Oh, Brian!
- Elaine!

ELAINE: Oh, Brian, you know
just what I like!

BRIAN: Tits or face? Tits or face?
ELAINE: Tits.

(BRIAN GROANING)

BRIAN: Wrong answer!

ELAINE: Oh, Brian! Oh, my God.
BRIAN: Sorry, darling.

Yeah, well, your parents
made it perfectly clear

what they thought of me.

- What have you got?
- Fantastic!

- Digital photo frame.
- Wonderful!

You just put a memory stick in
and it makes a slide show.

We've got our camera on us,
we'll have to try it out later.

That is fabulous. "ReKapture."

My go? Thank you. Who's this from?

Mum and Dad!

Cracking.

How to be a Successful Writer.

And, um, Stop Wasting Your Life.

(CHUCKLES)

- Good idea.
- Unbelievable.

- My family hate him...
(WHISPERING) - They hate me.

...his family get under my skin,

and, at a time when we should have
felt happy and close,

I couldn't have felt more distant.

Explain again what your book's about.

Well, my hero is a young
history professor called Ezra

who, with the help of
a young American aid worker,

discovers this man in Borneo
who claims to be Muhammad.

(NAT YAWNS)

So it's a meditation, really,
on the veracity and origins of faith.

If he ever gets round to finishing it.

JOSH: Oi!

Another drink, Josh?

Oh, that'd be lovely, thank you.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

- Ice?
- Uh, yes, please.

Mmm.

(CHUCKLES) That's sweet.
(LAUGHS)

Are you sure there's
nothing I can do to help?

- No, thank you, I'm fine.
(SCREAMING) - I have to help!

Oh!

Mince pie, Alec?

- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?

Why are you standing like that?

Just offering Alec a mince pie.

He doesn't want a mince pie.

- You don't... You don't?
- No.

NAT: Just stand up.

That's that market we went to
in Taroudant.

- Let me see, darling.
- Yes.

Um, it was gorgeous,
they had the most incredible figs.

JOSH: I'm sure nobody
wants to hear about the figs.

Because it wasn't very...
Look at the cat!

Fucking little cocksucker.

NAT: Give this back to me.

Give it!

Just sit down.

Goodness me.

- Is it still working?
- Yes.

This is the town square. They had
snake charmers and performing monkeys.

Oh! That looks so magical.

NAT: Me with a monkey.

Darling, you look so sweet.

Oh! Me trying on those slippers.
They were very pretty.

DIANA: They look it.

Us having cocktails.

There was a beautiful bar
at the top of the hotel.

We'd go there every evening.

Us having more cocktails.

(CLOCK TICKING SOFTLY)

(ICE CUBES TINKLING)

It was a junior suite.

Uh... Not terribly expensive.

Lovely view of the orchards.
In fact, you can... If you just...

You can just see in the
background there, the... Phwoar.

That's doggy style.

Nat's favourite. Isn't it, Nat?

(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)

NAOMI: Why don't I drive?

You drive like you've got a vagina.

You could do.
Or I could glue myself to a deckchair

and you could kick me down a stairwell.

Both about as enjoyable.
Both about as likely to happen.

Why do you do it?

Why are you still together?
You hate each other.

Of course we do, but that's marriage.

I mean, you embrace the hatred.

And I married a man
who wears driving gloves.

Actually helps you get purchase.

Don't say "purchase".

But how do you know that the hate
won't outweigh the love?

How do you know there's not
someone better out there for you?

Well, Christ, there is.
Of course there is.

But marriage is about living
with the imperfections, isn't it?

I mean, look at that stupid ginger face.

It's true. I'd miss her.

Look at those beautiful eyes,
big warm heart.

You know, she hasn't aged a day
since I met her.

And as you get to know each other more,
well, you love each other more.

No, don't you try and kiss me.

- Did you forget something?
- Yeah.

- We're gonna hit traffic, you know.
- Yeah, you will.

JOSH: Tonight should be interesting.

They could be really right
for each other.

Because Chloe's so sweet,
and Guy seems all right.

What do you think? What about that?

No?

Yeah.

Chloe's lovely.
I don't know how you let her slip away.

What, Chloe? No!

She's too nice. She's too perfect.

A little of Chloe goes a long way.

Yeah, I mean,
she can be kind of grating.

Totally. This one? Rugby?

No?

But Guy, I mean, he's quite a catch.
He's just your type, really.

(SCOFFS) No, he's too slick
for his own good.

Bit too American.

You're my type.
I don't really go for good-looking.

Oh.

Hi. Great to see you.
You're looking very sexy.

And, Nat, you look good, too.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, you two pop yourselves down.

I'm gonna nip off
to the little boys' room.

See if I can find myself
some little boys.

Obviously not.
Just gonna go for a quick wee.

Not the other.

Sorry about that.

So, is tonight not a bit weird?

Do you promise
not to get insanely jealous?

(LAUGHS)

Honestly.

Chloe is fantastic. You'll love her.

She's the best. The best!
She's so kind. Wonderfully kind.

- Mmm. Mmm.
- And pretty. She's very pretty.

Definitely, she's so pretty.
Hundred percent.

Hey, Chloe, you're here.

Yeah. Look, if this is weird, I can go.

It's just that, you know, you set it up
and you didn't seem to mind.

No, I don't mind, it's not weird.
Why would I find it weird?

Listen, the bloke's a bit of a twat,
but you might like him.

Oh, yeah! I love a twat.

Single girl, looking for a guy.

No non-twats considered.

Oh, shit. Okay, they've seen us.

Let's go do this.

Okay, final game.
It's Brits one, Yanks one.

We owe this to our great nation
to win this, Chloe.

- Let's do it.
- Yes, sir!

Just look at us. We're all getting on
like a house on fire.

I've never really understood
that phrase.

(LAUGHS)
- Exactly why is it good

to get on like a house on fire? I mean,
there might be small kids left inside.

- Think of them.
CHLOE: - I know!

And the possibility of asphyxiation...

JOSH: Or at the very least,
the loss of any no-claims bonus.

(LAUGHS)

It's just a metaphor.

It means something that's
uncontrollable, has momentum.

Exactly. So, tell me this.

What would be the first thing
you'd save in a fire? Let me guess.

- Jimmy Choos.
- Your wedding ring.

(LAUGHS)

Well, obviously my wedding ring.

But I've got two hands, haven't I?

She does love that ring.

The first thing I noticed about you.
Wasn't it?

(SIGHS)

Sorry, Nat. Excuse me.

Fuck off.

Yeah, that's too bad.

I'd probably rescue that necklace
that I got you

when we got engaged in Venice.

That's sweet. It's beautiful.

How about you, Chloe?

I'm guessing something
sentimental, emotional?

Um...

- It's your shot, Guy.
- Sorry?

- It's your shot, mate.
- Sorry.

You wouldn't really head for the shoes,
though, would you, Chloe?

Fashion's not really your thing.

GUY: Why would it be?
I mean, look at her.

She'd make anything look fantastic.

(SCOFFS)

- She'd make a sack look incredible.
(CHLOE GIGGLING) - Thanks.

Good shot.

Yeah, it's like, what's the opposite of,
"You cannot polish a turd"?

She's an already polished turd.

She's a turd buffed to a high sheen.

Thanks.

JOSH: Unlucky, pal.

Yeah, honestly, if the stuff burnt up,

I think I'd just view it
as a chance to start over,

you know, have a new adventure. I'm not
too bothered by material possessions.

All right, come down on it a bit.

Come on.

And use your arm
to go back and forth with it

so you really get a nice pumping action.

Then go through the ball,

and you want to hit it
on the edge there.

Ah, ah, ah! If you put the cue

between your thumb
and your first finger,

you'll find it easier to get...
That's it.

Now get this moving
before you take the shot.

Come down a bit lower on it.

Don't take the...
Come on, not that low.

That's it.
Now play through the ball, and breathe.

There's no point, is there?

If we're not gonna do it properly,
it's like, what's the point?

- There's no point in playing, is there?
- Nice try.

CHLOE: Oh, I think it's my shot.

I think Chloe's right.

I mean, nice things is great,
but ultimately, so what?

As long as the people you love are safe.

That's it. You got that?

(GUY LAUGHS)
JOSH: - Good shot, Chloe.

(LAUGHS)
- Did you see that?

That was... Wow!

CHLOE: I can't believe it. Oh!

- It'll never happen again.
- Oh, it will. Be positive.

CHLOE: No. Once in a lifetime.

It's so sweet,
what you said about that necklace.

JOSH: Yeah.

- I should wear it more often.
- Okay. What do you think?

- I think you're good on your own.
- Oh, you touched the cue ball.

- Oh.
- So...

- Really?
- I mean, if you want to play proper...

No, it's fine if you want to...

- Okay.
- Sorry.

- Happens all the time, don't worry.
- I'm sorry.

It's two shots if...

- No, no, it's cool. You...
- All right. No, no. No, go ahead.

- I don't want to be a dick about it...
- No!

- Too late.
- Are you sure?

- Take your two shots.
- Fine.

- Well, that was fun.
- Yeah.

We should do it again.
What do you say, Josh?

Give you Brits a chance for revenge?

Oh, yeah, 'cause...
When my elbow's a bit better,

I'll be able to give you
a much better game. Probably win.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Can I walk you to your car?

Oh, you know,
I'm just gonna catch a cab,

but you can wait with me if you like.

- Be my pleasure.
- Okay.

Actually, Guy, do you mind
if I quickly grab you for two minutes?

Just to talk packaging
before the meeting.

Is that okay?

- Sure.
- Thanks. Sorry.

Well, I could help you
get a cab, if you want.

And I'll wait with you.

Okay, yeah.

- I had a blast, partner.
- Oh!

We are what make our nation great.

I'd like to check out that Kandinsky
thing you were talking about.

That sounds very interesting.

Thank you.

Aw, that's nice. All right?

Okay, I'll see you back at the flat.

All right. All the best.

I presume we need to make a decision

on the LinkWorth tender
for the branding.

What are your thoughts?

(DOOR BUZZING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I thought you said that this...

(WOMAN SHOUTING IN CANTONESE
THROUGH SPEAKER)

Oh, Christ, even your
underwear's amazing.

(DOOR BUZZING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING CANTONESE)
- It's a little fiddly.

Just rip it off. Just rip it!

(FABRIC RIPPING)
- There it is!

That Guy's so dull. He's so bland.

You don't like him, do you?

Taxi!

No?

What's going on, Josh?
What are we even doing?

What do you mean? Taxi!

Your light's on! Put your light...

His light was on. Why would...

You realise I love you, don't you?

I'm in love with a man
who just got married

and we're both pretending
that it's fine.

Tonight was so fucked-up!

Taxi!

JOSH: No, no.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me. No.

No, no, no, you don't do that.

That's not how
decent people behave, is it?

How is society supposed to function

with people like you
dragging us into a cesspit?

Mmm? We're not animals!

- Sorry, we just didn't see you.
- Didn't realise it was your taxi.

- Please, take it.
- Take it, you can have it.

So sorry. I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't just walk out of a marriage
after nine months.

Why not?

Pride? Afraid of what people will say?

Figure out what you actually
want to fight for, Josh.

When I went to Africa,

I convinced myself
that we were too young

and somebody better would come along,

but they never did
and they still haven't.

And now, every time I see you, I think,

why didn't you stop me?

Why didn't you fight?

(SIGHS)

This has to stop.

I can't see you any more.

You're married.

I can't see you any more.

- Dinner and a show, was it?
- As it happens.

Yeah? Nice.

Sorry.

We need to talk.

We do, yeah.

I don't know what's happening here,

but it's been nine months

and neither of us is happy

and I don't know how to change things.

I just never imagined that marriage
would be this difficult, you know?

I don't want to be Hugh and Naomi.

I don't want to constantly row
over whether the bin's full or not.

I don't see what's wrong with compacting
the rubbish to make more space...

- I'm not rowing about the bin again.
- Neither am I.

Look, if you want to walk away,
I understand.

Well, is that what you want?

That's not what I'm saying.

Because it sounds like
you don't want to make it work.

Stop putting words into my mouth.

You're the one who said
marriage was difficult.

Yeah, but I didn't say anything
about walking away.

So, if you want to give up...

I'm not the one giving up.

Well, nor am I.

Well,

good.

That's good.

So what do we do?

NAT: So, that's why
we've come here today.

We've hit our low point,

but we're committed
to making our marriage succeed.

(GROANS)

You should just cut your losses now

before your life
becomes a series of squabbles

about who's meant to pick the kids up,

who put the King's Speech DVD
back in the Sound of Music DVD case.

(SIGHS) I suppose,
if you really want to make it work,

you could try focusing
on making it to a year.

Commit to a life with each other
for the next three months.

(? DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER
BY LOLO PRITCH)

DIANA: What is it?

(SIGHS)
- Is it a film?

- How many words?
NAT: - Novel?

Well, you must know
how many words there are.

Sounds like?

I understand you're looking to sell.

I'm from Foxtons.

(SINGING ALONG SOFTLY)
? We built this city

? We built this city
On the wrong damn road

? Built this city

Boom, boom.

? We built this city

? On the wrong damn road
? ...and roll

? Johnny played the bongos...

(HUMMING ALONG)

So, this time last year,
you'd been Mrs Moss for...

Sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty...

...an hour and eight minutes.

NAT: We made it.

One year.

We should be proud of ourselves.

Ta-da.

I thought I'd bring out the big guns
for a special occasion.

- Could you help do me up?
- Yeah.

I think two of these hooks are broken.

- Oh. Really?
- Yeah, I think so.

- God. Um, let me fix it.
- All right.

(? WHEN LOVE BREAKS DOWN
BY SNOW PATROL)

Hon, I've just remembered
I've got to do something. Um...

I'll see you at the restaurant.
Tell Hugh and Naomi, okay?

- Sure. I'll see you there.
(DOOR CLOSES)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

CHLOE: You know, you haven't even
told me where we're going yet.

GUY: I wanted to surprise you.

(ALL CHEERING)
- Surprise!

What's going on?

I wanted to organise
a little party for you.

A year is a big achievement.

Where is your stupid husband?

(INAUDIBLE)

GUY: Did you remember your passport?

(SIGHS)

Here.

Is this human trafficking?

You're not gonna keep it
and sell me to a gang of Albanians

who'll make me pleasure
25 truck drivers a day

at some port in Belgium
for me to earn it back, are you?

No, no. Absolutely not.

It's a terrible situation, though.

Those women...

I can't help but think they all just
started life as someone's little baby.

He's still not picking up.

He's never usually late.

God, can we start without him?
I'm starving.

We've been here forever.

NAT: I can't believe he's late
for our first-anniversary dinner.

I can't believe you even made it...

(HESITANTLY)
...to your first-anniversary dinner.

- What?
- Hmm?

Mmm?

Well, one year is pretty remarkable,

given that you two are completely
ill-suited for one another, isn't it?

I mean, no one thought
you were gonna make it a month,

much less a year.

Really?

I didn't actually think you'd make it
past the honeymoon, honestly.

I thought you'd fuck a Moroccan.

- Whoa.
DANNY: - I really did.

And I wouldn't have blamed you

because they're very beguiling,
the Moroccans.

If you sort of like
the swarthy gentleman.

- Thanks. And no, I don't.
- That's not your thing?

- No.
- Ooh. A bit racist?

I bet you'd do it. You'd do it
with a foreign fellow, wouldn't you?

What about the Chinese fellows?

Because they've not got
a great reputation as lovers.

But they must be doing something right,
because there's billions of them.

You've got your Germans. Ach!
Very efficient.

(MIMICS MACHINE WHIRRING) Like
a machine, just... (GRUNTS) In and out.

(GERMAN ACCENT)
"I vill annex your vagina!

"And then Poland!"
No, forgive and forget.

But d'you know what?
I don't know about you,

I've never met someone
who's had sex with an Eskimo.

Be good, wouldn't it?
Because they'd start with the noses

and then they'd, ooh, get down,
you know, with the...

Do you think they do that down there?
Not using the... Just... On the nose.

I bet you've had a few of them, yeah.
And him.

(LAUGHS) No, good luck to you.

- Thanks.
- But, I mean, you did it. One year!

- Yay!
- Yay!

Don't you clap.

Go on, give that twat
of a husband another call.

Don't use your phone, use mine.

Because sometimes he avoids you if he
sees your name come up on the caller ID.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, God. Happy anniversary!

Naomi arranged it.

Happy one year.

I need to tell you something, Nat.

I just think you're
the most incredible woman.

- Aw!
- How about that?

So beautiful.

And smart and bright and funny.

You're perfect.

- You're the perfect wife.
DIANA: - Aw, sweet.

But just not for me.

I've waited my whole life
for the right girl to show up.

And it turns out that you weren't it.

I don't find the way that you crinkle
your nose when you laugh adorable,

the way you flick your hair,

- it's quite frankly irritating.
DANNY: - Hear, hear.

I wanted to cherish
everything about you,

but it just didn't happen.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Natasha Moss...

will you divorce me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes! I will!

- I absolutely will!
- That's so amazing!

- Do you really mean it?
- Absolutely!

I've been waiting for this moment
for months, hoping it would happen.

I can't believe that you asked me.

Why didn't you just say something, then?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I thought it would break your heart.

You've made me the happiest woman
in the world.

I love you.

But you're not in love with me.

No! God, no.

Unequivocally not in love with you.

The opposite. The opposite of love.
Misery.

- Me, too!
(LAUGHS)

I can't believe
we felt the same for so long.

Well, listen,
now we have the rest of our lives

not to be together.

Cheers?

Look, this is amazing, it's magical.

It's better than I could
ever have imagined,

but there's somewhere else
that I really need to be right now.

Oh, go! Seriously, go.
Do you need money for a cab?

No, I'm all right, I'm in the car,

but it was a nightmare trying to park,
so I'm basically in a...

Oh, God, stop it. Stop it.
It's so boring.

- It's just, the car's in your name...
- It's so boring.

- We should sort that out, actually.
- It's so boring. I don't care.

- All right, but...
- Honestly. Just go.

(LAUGHS)

I will never have to see you again.

Even

Taxi!

(? PLEASE FORGIVE ME
BY THE PIERCES)

(INAUDIBLE)

Ta-da!

Oh, wow!

I've always wanted to go to Aachen.

No, uh, we're going to Paris.

Paris.

Ah! (CHUCKLES) Okay. Joke!

- Yeah.
- Yeah! (LAUGHING)

- I'm thinking two kids.
(LAUGHING) - Oh!

- Guy Junior and Gaia.
- Wait! Wait, stop!

- Stand back.
- Oh, my God.

I can't be without you, Chloe.

I think about you
every second of the day.

I need to be with you.

And I know
you want to be with me as well.

What the hell are you doing?

You can't just turn up
and try and steal my girlfriend away.

You're married. You're a married man.

You should get out of here, creep.

I split up with Nat.

- You split up with Nat?
- You split up with Nat?

Ever since you came back into my life,
I've known that I had to be with you.

When I lie in bed,
I think about the way that you laugh.

I can't work because I can't stop
imagining our lives together.

You're everything
that I've ever wanted in a...

- Nat?!
- Josh? What...

(PANTING) What? What?

Okay, sorry.

Nat, we spoke about this, didn't we?

- It's not gonna work out.
- No, I, uh...

- Actually, I'm...
- I'm not gonna change my mind.

- I don't care what you say.
- I'm, uh...

- I'm not here to see you.
- What are you doing?

I'm actually not here to see you.

What do you mean,
you're not actually here to see me?

Him!

- Really?
- And you...

- Her, yeah.
- Her, of course.

You're perfect for each other.

And I always thought he was much more
the kind of guy that you should go for.

Do you remember when I said to you
when I was trying to...

Oh, I do remember that!
I remember when you said that,

and at the time, I agreed.

And I thought in my mind,

"I think he's right,
I should be with him."

- That's what I wanted.
(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS) Ah! And here we are.

Here we are.

And where were you?
Had you been explaining

- the bit about us...
- Us breaking up, yeah.

I was just explaining to Chloe
why I was in love with her.

Okay, is it just me,
or is this unbelievably awkward?

NAT: Look at that.

She's got that dry sense of humour
that you like.

I mean, I just don't have that.

And this guy, forget about it.
Unbelievable.

Proper grade-A hunk.

I could just drink you in.

Thanks.

JOSH: But this lady here,
she's incredible.

And you make her eyes light up
in a way that I never could.

Would you mind...

No, no, uh... please.

Would it be all right if I...

Of course.

Thank you.

(INHALES)

- Thank you.
ALL: - Oh!

- That's nice.
- Sorry.

No, not you, we don't want to do that.

Never again. Come around this side.

Hi.

- This is a bit weird.
- This is weird, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- We'll go.

- Let's go over here.
GUY: - No, we'll go.

(? NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE
BY JESSIE WARE)

- Who had the chicken feet?
- I did.

You had the chicken feet.

- We didn't have a starter.
- No, no.

And we didn't have the champagne.

We spent L45,000
on a wedding to your prick son!

You can chip in
for a bit of fucking dim sum!

All right, pause, pause, pause.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll make a list of
pros and cons, right, of Nat.

Pros. Number one, body.

Excellent. I've seen it nude, loved it.

I beg your pardon?
When have you seen it nude?

Well, when we were
down in that place in Cornwall,

I sort of walked in
when she was getting changed.

- What do you mean, you walked in...
- "Accidentally."

- What's that? What's that?
- Hey, listen, I'll tell you,

you lock your door
or these peepers will come a-roving.

All right, mate? That's the way I roll.

You know that, she should know that.

What about that she's, urn...

- Kind...
- Boring.

...and warm.

(SCOFFS) Warm?
Put the radiator on if you want warm.

And, um, good with kids.

So was Michael Jackson.
Look at that marriage. It didn't last.

Yeah, but I love her.

(SCOFFS) - Love.
- Well, I do.

Yeah, sounds a bit gay.

We can get back out there like the lads.

Like the old days, you know?
The Terrible Two.

Do you know what I mean?

"Lock up your daughters.
And your mothers."

I'm not fussy.

Every time I open my mouth
when I'm around her, she's like,

(MOCKINGLY) "No, don't say that.
You can't say that."

"You can't do that."

"Put your trousers on! Put your
trousers on! We're in a restaurant!"

- Oh, shut up.
- Well, she's... (SIGHS)