Original subtitles

Agh!

- Jesus, do you need a hospital? - No!

- Let's get him open, see what's going on. - Open?

I was pretending. There's nothing wrong with me.

- I told you. - What are you doing, Mark?

I'd never let anyone hurt you.

Is that Mark's mum?

He died.

- Morning. - Morning. There's coffee on the table.

Thanks.

- How was the movie? - Yeah, it was good.

How was Layla?

Did you read this?

It's Variety - "Ten actors to watch in 2026".

"Zein Amin landed his first starring role in Crown Of Thorns this year.

"The Egyptian heartthrob has now been linked to numerous projects,

"and promises to have a very busy year ahead in Hollywood!

"Hollywood? Who wouldn't?"

I know. It's kind of unbelievable, right?

As soon as me and Tara get our visas, we are gone!

LA, baby!

(CLAPPING) Hola!

- Hola! - Sammie!

(EXAGGERATED ACCENT) Give me the keys to the car.

No!

It's no possible because...

I'm collecting Layla's cake.

Quelle domage.

I am flying this Sunday and I have done fuck all.

So, I need to go to Niamh and sign the contract.

Niamh? No, you need to sign the cast agreement for Islam Dunk.

I promised her I'd have it today.

Ah, do you know what? Forget it. Drop Nancy in though, yeah?

Thank you.

- This is amazing! - I know, right?

They're even saying I'm the internet's new boyfriend.

Which is funny, because you're banned from most of its dating sites.

(MOCK LAUGH) Good one!

I'm taking my art home from school today. Are you excited?

Hello? I'm like so excited!

Here, open up.

Good girl.

Happy birthday!

- Happy birthday! - Hey, Layla, happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

- Have you seen my brown coat? - Er... In your room?

- Want me to help you find it? - No, it's OK.

Are you having a birthday party?

Please, Layla, you have to. It's your birthday.

Do whatever you want. I don't care.

It's gonna be OK, Sam.

(VOICE OUTSIDE)

Because I can't.

Absolutely not! I...

No, Gamal, I told you I checked there.

I'll call you back.

- Hey, you, happy birthday! - What are you doing? You look sus.

Oh, yeah, look, nothing's wrong. Grown-up stuff.

- Is it Granny? - No, shush, Layla, please. No.

- What's going on? Is she OK? - We just can't seem to place her.

That's all. No, it's fine. It's just her phone's gone to voicemail.

Even Stephen rang me looking for her. Stephen, if that's even his real name.

- Me and Gamal'll find her. Do not worry. - I'm gonna ask Bawbaw.

No, do not do that. Leave him alone. He's closing the deal on his script today.

Look, I'm her son and I will find her.

She has been acting strange.

She didn't message me for my birthday or even go to Mark's funeral.

She loves you, Layla. She hasn't been messaging anyone.

I think she might be a bit...

Anyway, look, you go to school. I'll text you, I promise.

- Can I have my coat? - Yes!

No, I don't think so.

- Why not? - Because...

Because I can't ask you to make "miaow, miaow" or "moo, moo", can I?

You are dog and you can only go "woof, woof".

It's nature.

And what if we move to LA and you are Mr Big Shot, huh?

Your head, whoosh! My God!

- No, forget it. - I'm only focused on you.

Zein, when we have sex, you look at yourself in mirror.

Only from certain angles.

Is sugar words.

You love... you.

- You like South American women? - Me?

- Nah. - Really?

- Yeah, I prefer Eastern Europeans. - Why?

You know, their... laid-back nature.

Hm. Not her?

Who? Who are you talking about?

Fuck you!

Move to LA? Must be joking.

- Dog! - Zu.

Zu.

Give me another idiom or expression that has figurative meaning.

Anyone? Lewis?

Give me an idiom... (VOICE FADES AWAY)

Layla!

What's another idiom?

Mam?

Mam?

Layla.

Happy birthday.

Layla, please. It's been so hard.

Do you know how hard it is for me to come in here every day?

No one blames you for running and none of it's your fault, so...

Why are you ghosting me, then?

I get why you ran. You don't think I know what it's like to be scared?

No, I know you know but... if you don't blame me, why aren't we friends?

Because I don't want to be.

Ah, Cormac, you promised you'd pick up this cake off me.

Now I've got to march into this meeting like some simpleton with a sponge cake.

What?

What do you mean you lost something?

Cormac, you're talking in riddles. What is going on? Hold on.

Who the fuck is Stephen?

- I like it, actually. - Yeah.

It's very nice.

I like very much the carpentry.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, pal.

Come and sit. Sit down.

(CORMAC GROANS)

What's inside there?

- In the closet? - It's a confession box, you heathen.

You go in and tell the priest your problems, you tell him your sins.

You want to talk? Talk to me, I'm here.

She tried to talk to me so many times, Gamal.

Tracy was better with all that stuff, you know. Mature.

- It's not your fault. - It is, yeah.

I knew she was... I knew.

Just acted like a child, as always. Made it about me.

You didn't know that...

I did. I did know.

I know every inch of her, Gamal. I know her inside out.

I can't lose my mam.

No.

Hey, if not to you...

...to whom else she might go?

CHLOE: So, Zein still hasn't signed the talent agreement?

And I've told you, it's a deal breaker.

I'll send it this evening, I promise.

Right.

You know, we could've done this on DocuSign, but I love the ritual.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

So, are you going to sign the fucking thing?

- You do want this, don't you? - Yeah, the contract, yeah.

I don't know what the deal is here.

- You're holding the deal. - I mean the... deal.

Oh, Sam, I don't want to fuck you. Gross!

From the first time I met you, you've been acting as this exhausted widower

with three girls all on your own.

Even though you seem to have your entire family around to help.

- My family doesn't do... - Oh, please, Sam!

My mother had five girls all by herself and worked and fed us.

She didn't go into her shitty wee job with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

She didn't tell anyone about her problems. She just got on with it.

Because that's what women do when people rely on them.

But when men do it, Christ, it's like you shit Skittles!

What about the... yodelling in your valley?

I doubt you could whistle up an alley.

And, if I'm being honest...

...you've been my favourite dinner party anecdote for a good year now.

I've told my girls about you and, Jesus, we've laughed.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

So, all this is...

To humiliate me, is it?

You will both have exec producer credits, title only, no points.

Everything is in the contract. Sign it, Sam.

Good.

Now, fuck off.

And take your cake with you.

LAYLA: That headstone.

DYMPHNA: He's some gobshite. She'd have liked it, though.

He's really worried about you. We all are.

Where's your phone?

I smashed it into pieces with that nutribullet yous bought me for Christmas.

See? And you said you wouldn't use it.

You have her sense of humour.

Do you feel depressed, Granny?

I don't feel anything any more.

- I need you... - Oh, God, Layla, I am not able!

- I do not have... - Well, BE able!

My best friend is dead because of me and... I called you.

She was my daughter,

not some feckin' schoolfriend I had only just met!

I grew her. Inside me.

I loved her for a lifetime and God still took her from me anyway.

You are just a child. You could not possibly be expected to understand that.

- Tracy was... - She was my mum!

God did take her, he took her from ME!

God is ripping away everyone I love.

Mum, Mark, Giddu - now even you.

You are my mum now. Do you not even love me any more?

I tried so hard to be good but... (SNIFFLES)

- Maybe I'm just bad. - No, love.

You don't ever say that! No, you're good.

And I love you so much.

I am sorry I have not been well.

Oh, poor wee Mark.

Poor you!

Why is my life so unfair? Why does God hate me so much?

Don't be ridiculous, Layla. God hates all of us equally.

He gives us joy and pain. I think that is the gig.

It is with my God, anyway.

Joy and pain.

Speaking of which.

Sweet Jesus, look who's come.

Sorry, John.

- I'm so sorry. - Everyone's gone, Bawbaw.

But it's summer holidays and I got cake.

- Do you want to see my memory box? - Yeah, when we get home. Let's go!

You didn't say goodbye to Miss Malone. It was her last day. I'm gonna miss her.

I'm gonna miss her, too.

Watch this, yeah? I'll be right back.

Five minutes, Nancy. I'll be right back. Stay here.

(SNIFFS)

- Mr Amin? - Les.

Do you mind if we catch up later?

Look, you deserve some honesty.

- Can we not do this now? - Look, I, um...

I'm so sorry. I wanted to talk to you, but I'm so embarrassed.

It's done now, so don't embarrass yourself any more.

I wanted to explain why I faked my appendix.

See, I knew we would be having sex, which would have been incredible.

But I was so nervous, you see, I've been having some issues with...

- ...little Sammie. - Sam!

Please, no, Leslie, let me talk!

Fuck it! Knock yourself out!

It wasn't you. I need you to know that.

I was in Chloe's house today.

- You know, my boss? - Aye.

I thought she wanted sex.

Not because she liked me. Thought she wanted to hate-fuck me or something.

But she didn't.

She just wanted to make a show of me.

Which she did. But I wouldn't have done it.

That's the point.

And not because of my, you know, issues. Because of you.

I've been so angry about the way my life looks.

It's easier just to shut my eyes.

With you I see everything and, God, I love the way the world looks with you in it.

Please?

That's it, really.

I think... you know Miss Sink.

Or Mrs Hatchet, as she's now called.

My, my, Mr Amin. Quite the orator.

You've no issues there anyway.

Well done, Miss Malone.

I couldn't get him to attend so much as a school hockey match.

Ms Hatchet has a nice ring to it! It suits you. Um...

Ladies.

(FAMILY SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU" IN ARABIC)

- Make a wish! - (ALL CHEER)

(MUSIC OVER CHATTER)

You should ask Granny about her new boyfriend, Stephen.

If that's even his real name.

SAM: Stephen! Woo! Tell us more.

Boyfriend at my age!

I've told him he's to get a full medical and show it to me

- then we'll see about a date. - You tell him!

I am not nursing some auld lad at my age. Fighting fit or in the ditch!

- You tell him! - Show me that medical as well, Mam.

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

(WHISPERS) Thank her.

She'll be OK, Sammie.

We'll be OK.

They're coming now.

Son, I am sorry.

I was thinking that, maybe...

...you might want to come home?

Yeah, thanks, but...

I thought I might get a little place of my own.

Somewhere close by.

- Unless you wanted me to... - No, no. No.

No, that's a great idea.

Don't tell Sammie yet, or he'll be devo. We've gotten pretty close recently, so...

Well, I'm sure he'll get over it.

Eventually.

- Everyone's gone? - Yeah.

(RUBY GURGLES)

Sammie, I, er...

What? What?

No, no, it's...

Crown Of Thorns, the studio want me to sign a three-year deal.

- It's good money. - That's great news. So?

It's exclusive.

That means I can't do any other projects. I can't sign with Chloe.

It doesn't matter. It's what you want, right?

It's what you've always wanted. I'm proud of you, man.

I'm gonna be in LA for a while. You could come visit.

- Lina's gonna come. - Yeah.

Yeah, but Uncle Sammie gets left at home again with Ruby.

Seriously, Zein!

No. I'm taking her with me.

Yeah, me and Zu are gonna make a go of things.

But won't you be busy?

- It's no problem her staying here. - I want her with me, Sam.

I'd miss her too much.

I'm sorry, Sam.

- You gonna be OK? - Yeah.

Shall we go see Mummy?

Yeah?

Right, let's go.

Here we go.

(RUBY GURGLES)

Fuck's sake, Nancy.

(FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(VOICES)

MO: Sammie?

Sammie!

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Sammie, wait, wait.

I have a surprise.

(EXCITED) Come!

New wife! Surprise!