Original subtitles

'Experiencing erectile dysfunction is not uncommon.'

'Hey, Jesus! Watch your back.'

- Have you seen the trailer? - Yeah.

- They're destroying me. - Don't look.

What is this yoke?

Maybe I'll go back to Belfast.

Dog!

Nancy, Uncle Gamal will drop you home tomorrow.

Yes, I will feed Lottie. Just enjoy your sleepover, OK?

Yeah.

I love you, too. OK, bye-bye.

Yeah, bye-bye-bye.

She's very cute.

- What are you all tarted up for? - CORMAC: Did you not hear?

Miss Malone's giving Sammie-boy some grinds at hers today. Sexy time!

I never said that.

- Did she invite you to hers for brunch? - That doesn't mean she wants...

Sex? That's exactly what it meant!

No, it doesn't.

- Hm? - Sexy time.

- What are you doing? - Tracking Mam. Look, she's in Belfast.

Probably with Stephen.

How Norman Bates of you!

- I meant, what are you doing? - It's the new contract for my job, pal.

I put you down as next of kin. Who's your next of kin?

Huh! Hello? Obviously, it's me.

First of all, I'm a father,

and secondly, culturally, I'm way more responsible than you.

Zein, I'm way more responsible than you, and I'm liquid,

so I can actually afford to be cultural.

Just so you know, Sammie, I'd take them back to Marrakesh every year.

Aw, that's very comforting.

- Marrakesh is in Morocco not Egypt. - Morocco-Egypt?

- (PHONE CHIMES) - It's all Sahara and sunshine, Sammie.

You seriously going to let this racist raise your children? As for responsible!

The guy who faked an appendix so he could break up with his girlfriends over text?

I'm not good with face-to-face confrontation. Sammie...

Cormac, neither of you are gonna be my next of kin, OK?

- You messed up... - Stop, stop! Stop.

- That was you... - Stop! Chloe wants to meet now.

- Urgently. - Did we get a deal?

No, no! It's more of her bullshit. Zein, please don't stress me out now.

You've got your Crown Of Thorns premiere today. Is that not good news?

It premiered last night, reviews are in today. It's obviously going to get panned.

That's why I need Chloe to sell our script.

That's why I need Chloe to sell MY script.

I'm gonna have to reschedule Leslie.

No, you can't cancel Miss Malone, Sammie. Sexy time.

Arcane Actor's Sanctum? Why does that sound familiar?

It's the retreat thing that Lina and Bear have gone to.

What have I said about your phone first thing in the morning?

- Bawbaw, it's the weekend. - Give me that!

God, you're such a hypocrite! You're always on your phone to that woman.

Be very careful.

LAYLA: You see my phone but you're blind to everything else.

Lina's in the woods doing God knows what with that clown.

Don't even get me started on Nancy's hat. As for Cormac tracking his mum.

- But no it's my phone that's the problem. - Sorry to interrupt.

You are grounded and you're not getting your phone for a week.

Please, carry on. Where were you?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Walk it off.

Walk it off.

Happy Saturday.

TEACHER: Go into some sun salutations

to show our gratitude for the life-giving qualities of the sun.

Inhale, bring your arms up ahead.

Exhale, forward fold.

Bend your knees.

Left leg goes back in space.

OK, so, rejig this and the top of scene three.

And I will get this version over to Sebastian today.

These fuckers don't know what they want until I show them.

- Trust me. - Please.

Problem?

Nothing, just doesn't seem as urgent as you made out.

- Doesn't matter, sorry. - Does it not?

No, come on. I swallow, you spit. So, spit.

I know you like to joke and all, but some of the things you say.

Makes me feel a bit... uncomfortable.

Ssh, Sam.

Just let me get this.

Because of the things I've joked about,

it's making you feel undermined?

Like I'm picking on you through sexual harassment?

- Am I getting all this right? - OK, well...

- Maybe I'm a bit sensitive. - Sam...

You need to toughen up. I am a multi-award-winning producer.

You're blessed to be in bed with me, whatever way you want to take that.

Think about how lucky you are. And look at me.

I do reformer Pilates five days a week. I'm flawless.

- I've got a puss-tache. - I don't know what that is.

You should be jumping up and down and singing

like you're on the yellow brick fucking road.

- OK, Chloe, I don't want a big fight. - OK, OK, whatever. I consent.

- I don't consent. - Do you want to make Islam Dunk or not?

Listen to me, you will do what I say in and out of work.

Period.

If I asked you to go down and yodel in my valley,

you'll look up at me and smile and sing your fucking lungs out.

You need to have a good think

about how and if you want to continue.

Have a great weekend.

Move!

BEAR: 'Wow! I'm in.'

- I ate that up! - (WIND CHIMES)

I was so present, but at the same time I...

- I went, you know? - I think my hip went.

Did you feel the Mother's energy protecting us from the cold reality.

Just wanted to say Kon'nichiwa.

- Hi. I'm Marlee. - Moshi moshi.

- Isn't that Korean? - Yeah...

I'm Bear, and this is my girlfriend, Lina.

- Hi. - Lina's Egyptian.

- Oh. - Irish-Egyptian.

MARLEE: Must have great insight on the Middle East, then.

Mario's vinyasa is intense. Advanced, right? You gotta level up.

You know... you're lucky.

(EXHALES) That it's just physical.

Cos sometimes I come out of yoga class and I feel like...

emotionally betrayed by my thoughts.

I think I've seen you before at the Artists For Gaza exhibitions.

- Did you sing? - Yeah. Yeah!

That was me. I sang Love Dove and did some interpretive dance.

Yes, right. And Lina?

- Er... No, I wasn't there. - Yeah, she's not really a big flag waver.

She's more invisible activism kinda thing.

You know, we hold a lot of trauma in our hips.

Try this, it is magical.

- Just get into happy baby pose. - Happy what?

Lie on your back. Yeah?

Yeah. And then grab your toes.

Grab your toes.

I'm just going to apply a little bit of pressure now.

Just breathe and release it all.

Let it go.

- Bear, you come lie on me. - Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And... (EXHALES)

Release that negative energy.

- Om... - Ooh, yes, Bear.

You know I got two days on a movie in Manchester? End of May.

- ZU: As what? Terrorist number three? - Hacker number one, actually.

But don't you worry, once Islam Dunk gets green-lit, it's gonna be all...

Oh, I know, I know. Big time.

Parties, sex, fame, bitches, money.

That's it! Yes, yes, the invite.

Yes. The thing. The thing Lina's gone to.

Forget about that. Anyway, I've been meaning to talk...

No, I need to be going.

Being with Ruby has made me think about me and you.

- Mm-hm? - Do you ever think about us?

Um... no.

Oh, come on, you wouldn't have punched me in the face otherwise.

Zein, I punch many faces.

I punched two captains and a bitch in Swimming With Mummy class.

- You are not special. - Oh, but I... but I've changed.

- Oh. - And I want to turn things around.

I'll help with raising Ruby.

You're full of shit! You didn't even help put the baby in the back seat.

I'll put a baby in you in the back seat.

Fuck you! Dog!

Yeah, yeah, you need to...

Drive safe.

Oh, fuck! Cormac!

Cormac!

Cormac, we need to go now.

Now, right now. Lina's Actors' Sanctum.

- It's a sex cult. - I think I'll pass, pal.

I'm literally just out of a throuple. I want to stay here, just rehydrate.

No, you numpty! The invite. Lina's thing. It's not a yoga retreat, it's a sex cult.

They bring these young actors, desperate for work to these so-called gatherings.

You go there and it's just one big fat filthy orgy.

You sure, pal?

Oh, yeah. I've been desperate for an invite for years.

- But Lina's there. - Oh, yeah, Lina's there.

- I've got to tell Sammie. - Wait, wait.

We do this alone.

Show him why we should be next of kin.

- OK. - Wait, wait.

I need a disguise. I can't show up like this.

I've got just the thing, pal.

LESLIE: I like your big thumbs.

Well, I work out, you know.

Is everything OK?

I'm sorry I was late.

And I got up early and baked you bread, you bastard.

No, you didn't.

Ay, I fucking did. I have a confession, though.

Um... I didn't actually have any brunch, as such.

Just wanted to lure you back to mine.

- Why? - What can I say, I'm charitable.

It's either you or Dogs For The Disabled, and sadly, I've no room for a puppy, so...

I don't even know how to look at you.

When you smile at me, it feels like fucking sunshine.

- You don't like fucking sunshine? - No, I do. I just...

feel a little bit safer in the shade, if you know what I mean.

Sam...

I like you because you're honest.

You're kind to people and you're a great dad.

You make me smile.

And you're tall.

But, most of all, I love your big thumbs.

Just give me one sec. Can I use your bathroom?

- Yeah, it's in there. - Is that all right? OK.

Hm.

Eugh, what is this?

- I'm not wearing that. - They have been in there a while.

They may have marinated a bit.

- If you've got a better idea, Zein... - (PHONE CHIMES)

The reviews are in.

- (MUFFLED CRY) - Are you OK?

(GROANS LOUDLY)

Agh! Oh, God!

- No! - What's wrong?

Sam, are you fucking messing with me? What's wrong?

I don't know. I'm in so much pain. I'm so sorry. I'll go.

- Sam, Jesus, do you need a hospital? - No, no.

- No, I'll just go. - Shut up. We're going!

- Let's go, come on. - Oh, God!

(CORMAC GROANING)

(GROANS) That's good.

Zein, some people at a picnic table over there.

Hm. I am hungry.

OK. Zein, get off your phone. Come on!

ZEIN: They fucking love Crown Of Thorns. They love me!

(LAUGHING) They fucking love me!

This thing fucking stinks, by the way. I look ridiculous.

- (CORMAC LAUGHING) - Quiet down, you, all right?

Or you'll what? You'll kill me with your "bear" hands?

The son of man will send his angels and they will gather out of his kingdom!

In that place, there'll be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their father.

He who hath ears, let him hear...

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, who's this?

Yes, that's me.

Sorry? I'm down as... whose next of kin?

(SAM GROANING)

- Les, there's no point being here... - When did you last pass water?

- Ages ago. Really, Leslie... - Strange, your bladder doesn't seem full.

We didn't see anything on the X-ray.

Could be a ruptured appendix, so there's no point taking chances.

- Let's get him open, see what's going on. - Open?

That's great. Thank you, doctor.

- Oh, Les, I'm so sorry. - Stop!

You don't have to keep apologising.

It's not like you faked your appendix to get out of our date.

Sorry, this is as far as you can go.

Sam!

- OK, wow, I'm feeling much better. - You've got nothing to worry about.

- It's OK to be scared. - What? No.

I'm not scared. I'm just pretending.

- There's actually nothing wrong with me. - Just try to calm down.

- I am calm. - Lay down, count back from nine.

- Eight, seven, six, five... - (MUFFLED YELLS)

Four, three, two...

CORMAC: Oh, God, I can't see anything.

(# "Teddy Bear's Picnic")

YOUSSEF: I feel sick. I'm so full.

MARK: The pork was delicious. Sorry, I know you can't eat pork.

LAYLA: It's OK, my prawn laksa was...

- YOUSSEF: We should cross over. - Here, Osama!

Where you running off to with your child bride?

- Must be time to pray. - Is it time to pray, is it?

Fucking hell, d'you see him go? Must be fuckin' Kenyan or something.

Pity you don't all run home like that.

Like Afghanistan or wherever the fuck you're from.

Layla's Irish. She's from here.

Shut up, Egbert, or I'll punch the head off yer.

- Just go, Mark. - Yeah, Mark.

Fuck off so I can have a chat with Layla about her nappy head.

Take it off or I'll cut it off you.

(SCOFFS) I told you...

What are you doing, Mark?

(SIREN BLARES)

Isn't the chill of the forest magnificent?

Thank God you remembered your scarf(!)

It's so annoying that when you use Arabic it's cool, but when I do, what?

- People get scared or nervous. - Do they?

Or are you scared and nervous?

Hm? There we are.

You struggle with identity.

But that's fine, I don't judge.

Fuck off, Bear, that's because no one judges you.

You're suffering from racial imposter syndrome.

It's why you act white, you know, to fit in.

What? It's OK, though. I love you.

- And I don't see colour. - Excuse me? I don't pretend to be white.

Though you can be damn sure if I did start waving the flag

and throwing my ethnicity around, people would be very quick to tell me

that I should fuck off back to the Middle East.

I don't have the luxury of saying what I think without consequence.

Not like you and Marlee, you just bang on about Palestine and no one will say shit.

This is great, Lina. Come on.

- Let it out. - Oh, I'll let it out!

I'll tell you exactly what it is. You know what sickens me?

It's that I align myself with being Irish so much, more than anything,

but all anyone ever sees is that I'm not Irish.

The only person who never makes me feel like that is Tara!

Wow. Well done, Lina. You've opened up.

Maybe because I was the key, it's not for me to say, but...

You wanna talk about how your family's a bit smothering and difficult to talk to?

Fuck off, Bear! My family are like any other!

Uncle Cormac?

Cormac, I can see you.

I'm standing right here.

LINA: Really?

- MARK: I need some Vyral. - You need some rest. Two minutes, please?

- Sure. - [MONITOR BEEPING]

Think my heroics deserves one can of Vyral!?

Please, you got knocked out with one punch. Dumbest thing I've ever seen.

- Why would you do that, Mark? - Well... you're my best friend, Layla.

You're the only best friend I've ever had.

I'd never let anyone hurt you. Ever.

No need to get all mushy about it. I meant why would you ruin the Karate Kid?

Although I'm pretty sure he didn't get his arse kicked liked that.

Sorry, no spoilers!

- Your granny's outside, Layla! - Thanks. I'd better go.

I'm in so much trouble. I'll try and come see you tomorrow, but...

I'll be out by tomorrow anyways. I didn't choose the hero life.

- Yeah, yeah. Later, loser. - MARK: We're watching all three!

You promised in the ambulance, remember? You're grounded anyways.

How are you doing, mister?

CORMAC: Zein, listen, I'm telling you pal! He faked it so well they took it out!

I know, I know! Just so he didn't have sex with her?

I mean, like, the commitment of that.

Look, you're OK, that's the main thing. Thank God!

Suppose I'd better let you get some rest.

- Don't forget about your walk, Sam! - Thanks, Marie.

DYMPHNA: Don't sit down, you. We're going.

- Who's coming with me? - CORMAC: I'll take them.

You're just back from your holidays. Probably need to get Stephen his dinner.

We'll go with Cormac, then. Are you sure you're OK?

I'll be fine.

LAYLA: I'm sorry.

You could have been really hurt.

Mind if I bring this down to Mark?

OK, I've got to go for a walk anyway.

- Come on, then. It'd better not be far. - No, it's just down here.

Bawbaw...

I really am sorry.

Layla.

Is that Mark's mum there?

- Oh, Layla. - Debbie, where's Mark? What's wrong?

DEBBIE: He had a bleed in his brain.

He's going to be OK, isn't he? Please.

(CRYING) He died an hour ago.

My sweet baby boy is gone!

Oh, Layla.