All language subtitles for shameless.uk.s09e09.720p.hdtv.x264-river.en

Anyone watching, thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt

needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying
skunk, sending prices sky-high,

literally...literally
taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national
fucking stroke or what?

Is "revolution" a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in
Manchester, and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land
in ancient times.

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Pa-a-a-arty!

TANNOY: Dr Page to Cardiology.

- (BEEPING)
- Dr Page to Cardiology.

CHESNEY: There was a lad
in our school called Deano.

Hard little bastard,
from a long line of hard little bastards.

One day at school assembly, we were told
he'd been knocked over and was in a coma.

And we cheered, everyone cheered.

And the teachers said nothing.

They hated the fucker
just as much as we did.

(BEEPING GETS FASTER)

But when he eventually came back
to school, he'd changed.

Within two years, he'd sat his GCSEs
and passed the lot.

Only one in the school that did.

(STEADY BEEPING)

Hello?

Patty?

What the fuck are you doing?

(DISTORTED VOICE)
What the fuck are you doing?

Ask what?

I don't like this.

That's not a question. Try again.

I don't want this. Why am I here?

I've already given your answer.

No, you haven't.

What the fuck are you doing?

- Fuck!
- (SCREAMS)

What the feck
are you doing out of hospital?

- What are you doing here?
- I work here.

No, you don't.

I think you'll find I do,
what's left of it.

Oh, fuck!

All right, cuz?
Good to see you back on your feet.

Where am I supposed to live?
Where's Uzma?

Glasgow. Sends her love.

Everything's gonna be all right.

We're decorating the spare room
at Grandad's for you.

Got a little job lined up, too.

All that time I was in the hospital,
what, you've been planning this?

Yeah, no wonder
I didn't get any fucking visitors.

Sorry, mate. I was gonna drop in tonight.

Been mad busy getting this place
on the market.

Yeah, doesn't Grandad
usually take care of that?

He's in Pakistan.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hiya, Grandad.

How was the wedding?

Oh, lovely, that.

Try not to think of this
as something ending.

Think of it as something
just about to begin.

If I were shipwrecked on a desert island
with him, I would.

Well, I think he's nice for his age.
He's a good-looking man.

He's a good-looking ex-priest.

He'd smell of incense and communion wine.
The guilt would dry me up.

What do you think, Karen? Dom.

There's only one man for me. He's the
best-looking man on the Chatsworth.

- What do you think, G?
- He's too pretty for my taste.

He's embarrassed.

(THEY LAUGH)

Hey, that's a sight I've never
seen before, Mr Maguire.

Go 'ed, son.

White wine?

LILLIAN: Mad busy.

I've had to service a couple myself.

The kid with the granny fixation,

the bloke with the runny eyes
and the Labrador.

What was it you wanted to see me about?

I need you to come back, Kel.
We're run off us feet.

Business doing well, then?

Yeah, but the hours go against
the European Work Time Directive.

We still need help.

We need some new recruits.

You can't advertise for 'em
in the Evening News.

- You'll be arrested. It's soliciting.
- Says "massage services".

"Back-door experience essential,
girl-on-girl required as and when."

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

We need staff and we need 'em now.

The girls haven't even been for a wax.

Their fannies are like welcome mats!

Hey, welcome back
to the land of the living, Ches.

- On the house.
- (CHEERING)

Just Chesney.

(GROANING)

Must have terrified the life out of you.

Bit of a wake-up call, yeah.

I'll have to pay out now.
I was doing a book on you.

Jonesy won the lot.
Over a hundred quid as well.

How come?

He was the only one
that thought you'd make it.

- Good to see you, Ches.
- Top man, Ches, top man.

Rest of us thought you were
coming home in a box.

Take no notice.
His mouth's wired directly to his arse.

JACKSON:
We've all been worried about you.

Run off our feet with the new business,
or we'd have dropped by the hozzy.

We did call, but, you know, cos we
weren't related, wouldn't tell us much.

AVRIL: We miss the shop, Ches,
so we're having to do it online now.

Dom pointed out we were all paying a fiver

to have food delivered
to each of our houses.

So, now we put in one massive order,
delivered to here.

Entire drop for a fiver.

You wanna see the points
we collected on the loyalty card.

Loads of messing, though.
Sooner be shopping at yours, Ches.

So, when are you opening back up?

I'm just the Paki in the corner shop
to you lot, aren't I?

Don't be daft.
You're hardly even in the shop!

I was wondering
when I'd get you on your own.

Sorry?

Let me finish up. I'll walk you home.

There's no need.

Well, it'd give us a chance
to talk about...

Jamie. Seriously.

DOMINIC: Gloria?

Come on, then.

Your carriage awaits.

You selling up?

Grandad.

Yeah. Not like he had much choice,
in my humble.

Come here. You hear that?

The monster approaching.

A supermarket,

dropping its offspring
in every postcode in the country.

Soon you'll be standing in its shadow.

Too big for you to fight.

And, having stuffed cash

in the back pocket of
every councillor up and down the land,

too well-connected for you to challenge.

It'll raise its big monster foot,
bring it down,

and you and your shop will be gone.

Just a memory.

I remember when my dad
first bought this place.

Hey, you're not facing a firing squad.

The war's over.

Walk.

You're free!

Yeah.

I am.

Thanks, Frank.

Ches.

Give us a hand.

Knees fuse after a while.

(FRANK GROANS)

Got viewings organised today, mate.

Won't make too good an impression

with your undies
and jizz mags all over the place.

Personal stuff.

Removal van's booked.
Need this place empty by Thursday.

Gas and leccy'll be cut off a week Friday.

Asked them to forward me
the bills at base.

Base?

Grandad's. Bradford?

Box what you want, bin what you don't.

Nice little shop lined up for you
in Bradford.

Loads of old people, not too much stress.

Keep your head down
and you'll reap the rewards...

Wah! Ya! Ya!

Ah!

...and in a few years' time,
if you play your cards right...

(BUBBLING)

So, I'll tell Grandad you're on your way.

No.

Tell him thanks but no thanks.

Thank you very much, Father.
Bless you too.

The community centre's all yours.

Not being funny,
but why are you auditioning hookers?

To see if they're right for the job.

And surely possessing a fanny
makes them right for the job?

There's a bit more to it than that.

We all know how easy it is
to get a man off.

What you have to ensure, Ruby,

is that you not only get him off,
but you get him back time after time.

Some sort of brand loyalty?

More often than not, you're giving a man
what he doesn't get at home,

and that can be a combination
of a million things.

Don't try and pass off what you do as
some sort of psychological balancing act.

You fuck for money.

He might crave intimacy. Give it.

A straightforward, selfish fuck.

Give it.

To talk? Let him.

He might want you to tell him
he's the best you've ever had,

and you've been repulsed
by everything he's done.

Get them in, get their money,
get them out.

- It's all about profit.
- It's all about the moulah.

And not much else.

- It's not exactly skilled labour, is it?
- Says the voice of experience.

You see, you don't need to be in your line
of work to know what a man's looking for.

Market research, see who really
knows her arse from her elbow.

Yeah, all right, you're on.

I was having a discussion with a friend.

Well, I say discussion, I mean argument.

And I say friend. Actually,
she's just some slapper that I know.

But we were just wondering...

...exactly what it was
men look for in a woman.

Experience tells me men crave tenderness.

A little bit of affection.

After a good spanking.

Obviously.

RUBY: A man knows
exactly what he's after.

And it ain't chitchat.
He can get that from his ma.

If she wasn't dead.

You see,
I think all men like a spot of courting.

A bit of getting to know you,
nice bit of talk, just to melt the ice.

Men are ruled directly
by their baser instincts.

Evolution's taught them
you get in quick, you drop your DNA

and then go off to the next egg
to be fertilised ASAP.

It's a bit of a cliché, isn't it?

Well, clichés are rooted in truth.

Well, does that truth apply
to the Madonna/whore argument?

No, because that is a bit simplistic.
That's just obvious.

What do you reckon, Mimi?

Are all women mothers or scrubbers?

I like to think I'm a bit of both.

I can get a ton 20 online.

Then go online.

All right, 30 it is. Class traitor.

Capitalising on the misery of folk

forced to sell their possessions
to make ends meet.

- Stop nicking my stuff!
- Hey!

Get off!

- Is my SIM in?
- What the fuck's a SIM?

(SNORTS)

Oh, you're never getting rid
of poor old Larry, are you?

Colin, how many more times?

We can't take livestock.

We simply don't have the facilities.

Oh! Sorry, Larry.

GLORIA: # I've got it, I've got it

# I'm every woman, it's all in me

# Anything you want right now
I'll give it naturally... #

Just a little list of things
I wanted to do - not mad things,

little dreams I had when I was a kid.

I've always dreamed of having a threesome.

- Been there.
- Done that.

Twosomes, threesomes,
young women, old women...

- Mum and daughter.
- Mile high.

- Pissed up, drugged up.
- Fucked up, tied up.

- Indoor, outdoor.
- Front door, back door.

Oh, back door!

Hey, I can help you out
with that one easy enough.

JACKSON: And I could cover that one, mate.

CHESNEY: Yeah?

MIMI: Ches, you're up!

Singing?

First time for everything, mate.

I've gotta see this.

One, two, three, uh!

# My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so

# And this I know for sure... #

Uh!

# But does she really wanna

# But can't stand to see me
walk out the door

# Don't try to fight the feeling

# Cos the thought alone
is killing me right now... #

Sing with me now!

- Huh!
- # Hey ya... #

(SHOUTS) Yeah!

- Top of the world!
- (VEHICLE HORN BLARES)

Stick your helmet on, you mad bastard!

# Hey ya

# Hey ya... #

Oi! What the fuck are you doing?

# But got it just don't get it
till there's nothing at all

# We get together, oh, we get together

# But separate's always better
when there's feelings involved

# If what they say is... #

Ah!

# Then what makes, then what makes
then what makes, then what makes

# Love the exception

# So, why, oh, why, oh
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh

# Are we so in denial
when we know we're not happy here?

# Y'all don't want me here
You just wanna dance

# Hey ya

- # Hey ya. #
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

(THEY CHEER)

I did not know you had that in you, mate.

Neither did I.

It's got me thinking about stuff
I'd like to do as well.

Go on.

Well, like swimming with dolphins.
That'd be cool, wouldn't it?

- Or jump out of a plane.
- That could be arranged.

I think he means with a parachute.

We're talking dreams, aren't we?

Things you'd like to do
if other things weren't in our way.

Exactly. Like getting a bit
of back-door action off Mimi.

- Same again, lads?
- Yes, mate.

Can I just have...

Ugh! Ah!

Shit.

- Me purse has gone.
- You're kidding!

My purse has gone.

- (BELL RINGS)
- Is there a tea-leaf in here?

ALL: Yeah.

MIMI: You know what I mean,
you gang of smartarses!

Fuck.

Good day?

Fucking blinding, as it goes.

Think I've got maybe half a dozen people
that take their pleasure serious.

Yeah, spoke to a few myself.
You know, the young and limber ones.

I have clients I've known ten years.

I wasn't even in high school
ten years ago.

Bet you still gave a good blow job,
though.

You are joking, Jamie?

Drinks are on me next time I'm in.

I owe you an apology.

For not calling.

If your application's successful,
I'll supply the condoms and lube.

Then all you have to do is lie back
and think of Lytham St Anne's.

Look...it was just a fuck,
nothing more and nothing less.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(WHISPERS) It's Dom.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SHOWER RUNS)

(ZIP)

Oh.

(HE MOANS)

(SHE MOANS)

Oh.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

(THEY GASP AND MOAN)

I'm not bothered about a job just yet.
I want to enjoy myself for a bit.

What's that?

Oh, please don't, Karen.

KAREN: Where did you get the photo?
It's ancient.

Lip gave it me. Years back.

Who for? Me or Wendy?

Both. Look, I was 12.

KAREN: God, I was young.

Can I borrow this?

Me and Carl used to say
we'd ask the both of you out.

- Cinema, pizza.
- Hey, Wendy'd still be up for that.

- I'll give her a bell.
- No.

Fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Call her.
That'd be brilliant.

What have you stuck this in with, Ches?

What are you doing
having a shower at this time?

Spilt a load of ale
over myself in the cellar.

- I'll put your clothes in the wash.
- I've done it.

Getting very domesticated in your old age.

Yeah, well, I'm in my prime, me.

Thinking about getting my hair cut.
What do you reckon?

Do you approve?

Yeah, blonde's good.

Hm.

Mm.

I'll take that as a yes.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Nice, Ches.
- What's that?

I'm sensing there's a woman involved.

Not just a woman.

- Woman of his dreams.
- Yeah, wet dreams!

A girl I had a crush on, years back.
Been carrying a bit of a torch for her.

Well, she's agreed to accompany me
on a date. Wine, dine...

69!

Nah, I want to do this properly.
Nice meal.

Candlelight, bit of a chat.

Exactly. Last time we seen each other,
we were kids.

Now you're all grown up.

Quick one before she turns up, Ches?

You know, bit of fluff there.

Cheers, mate.

So, I hope she's worth all this effort.

Yeah, man, she's lovely.
I just can't believe she said yes.

That why you're so nervous, eh?

Yeah, it's a big deal.
Just want to get it right.

Course you do.

Cos I've waited years for this.
All my fucking life.

Aye-aye.

Father Craig said
they were waiting in here.

Bloody hell.

I knew jobs were thin on the ground,
but this is ridiculous.

You sure everyone's in the right room?

Can I just ask,
is everyone here to see Lillian Tyler?

Is that for the auditions for the whoring?

Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.

Big market for GILFs.

LILLIAN: You'll be old one day.

Right, let's get down to business.

(BABY CRIES)

Right, can everyone under 25
go to the right, please?

KELLY: Everybody over 25 to your left.

Bus passes, Zimmers
and arthritics to the back.

Hi, mate.

Look, I don't know
what's going on here, but...

Nothing's going on.

We can't do this. It was a mistake.

That happened twice.

That won't happen again.

Do you know what, Gloria?
I'm not that fucking desperate.

BILLY: Not even a ham shank
on the way home?

Wasn't about that.
This was about romance. Right, Ches?

You know how to do things properly, Ches.

You've grown up into a lovely little gent.

It was about getting to know each other.

Seeing if you've got more in common than
just a physical attraction. Small talk.

That one should never have been
allowed within ten feet of a school!

He were a fuckin' lech. Knicker sniffer.

So, you forked out for a three-course
meal, wine and a cab?

If I'd laid that amount of cash out,

I'd be wanting something in return,
you know what I mean?

Wasn't really that kind of night.

You're the fittest guy
I've been with all month.

Month?

- We need to get you home.
- No!

My dad's in. We can't.
It's OK, here'll do.

(ZIP)

Must have been a dodgy prawn.

Know what? I dreamt of being
with that girl so many times.

That it could never live up
to your expectations.

Happens to us all.

Bad timing.

Thought I'd find you here
with your drinking cronies.

You left that in the shop.
It looked important.

I'm done with this.

- Same again, chaps?
- Yeah.

(WHISTLES Hey Ya )

Fuck me!

I won't fuck you, if it's all the same.

I haven't got a question.

No, but I have.

What kind of man are you going to be?

One who squeaks

or one who roars?

Hiya.

(VACUUM CLEANER HUMS)

Well, it was certainly entertaining.

LILLIAN: Can you tell me
a bit about yourself, sweetheart?

Well, I'm a community policeman
during the day.

Trying to earn a few extra bob at night,
really.

It'd be great for the locals, but would it
appeal to the international market?

Have you got anything else
that you can show us?

Looks nice, Karen.

- Don't you think, Jamie?
- Yeah, lovely.

You haven't even looked.

Why didn't you tell her
she looked lovely, soft lad?

Cos I'd be lying.

Well, if you can't lie to your wife,
who can you lie to?

Flowers. One fuck-off bunch of roses
and a big, fat apology. Heartless bastard.

The living accommodation will give you
a good return on your investment.

And there's masses of potential
for the shop.

I'm thinking wall-to-wall sunbeds,
maybe a spray-tan machine.

Plenty round here in need of a tan
and not just the fellas.

Not a clue.

Unlike you.

You know, people just need a little shop
selling basics. Stuff you've run out of.

Essentials.

And who needs more than that?

Life's too short.

Hm. Exactly.

I look like I've been hang-gliding.

(SIGHS) Seriously, Karen,
you need to go back to the salon.

Especially what they charged you.
They should put it right.

Well, I didn't pay 'em. I refused to.
Tried to force me.

Said my fella would torch the place
if they gave me any more hassle.

- Is that what he said?
- He's not bothered.

Mardy-arsed bastard's got his Calvins
in a twist for some reason.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

DOMINIC: I'll get it!

Oh, God, I don't want him
to see me like this.

I don't want anybody to see me like this.

Please, G, can't you get me back
to some sort of normality?

Thank you.

Gloria. These are for you.

New fella? Never said.

Nothing special.

DOMINIC: You've obviously
made an impression.

Cheers.

Him upstairs has given you a second
chance, and what are you doing with it?

Propping up the bar with someone
old enough to be your dad.

- Oh, thanks, Mimi.
- I'm not knocking it.

If you're going to go, go happy,
that's what I'm saying.

I am going to do something, Mimi.

The plans I've heard from fellas sat where
you are, Ches, going to conquer the world.

Not one of them even got
as far as the end of the M62.

Who's paying?

Here, I'll get this.

- There we go.
- Ta.

I need to...I need to go.

I've got to do something.

MIMI: Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

- Give us a twirl!
- Looks good.

DOMINIC: Beautiful.

Yeah, thanks to Gloria.

Now, that's what I call an apology.

They're off G, some shag she's had.

Banged him twice, and it's all red roses
and, "When can I see you again?"

Oh, how pathetic are some fellas?

I'll contact the family solicitors
and get the contracts drawn up.

Forget your tanning shop idea. Won't work.
Look, no-one's got the cash for sunbeds.

Only reason he's telling you otherwise

is to get shot of this place
and back to Bradford.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- What's it to you?

You're getting this all wrong, Ches.
It's not about us and you.

That's how it's coming over, Toof.

I want you to come home with me.

I need you to see something.

(BIRDSONG)

First place we had, flat over a chippy.

Stunk of fish and grease.

Do you know what I mean?

Then one day,
Grandad picks us up from the shop,

brings us here, hands us the keys.

He were that pleased with the graft
we'd put in, rewarded us with this.

I know he can be a pain in the arse.
Work him to your advantage, Ches.

I dream of somewhere like this.

Could be yours.

That's the point, really, Toof.

It couldn't.

Just like it'll never be yours.

Step out of line, you'll be back
in that flat over the chippy in no time.

No.

I saw how he used to treat Dad
when he wasn't doing as he was told.

There's always going to be a boss,

always someone telling you what to do
and how to do it.

Not for me there isn't.
I'm going to buy the shop.

You can't do it on your own.

No?

Well, I'll die trying.

Go on, fuck off.

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

(PHONE RINGS)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please
leave your message after the tone.

It's me. I need to see you.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend.

This sort of thing, it's not my usual bag.
it's confusing.

(SIGHS)

Just call me. Please.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Oh! Oh!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(CAT MEWS)

Right, I'll tell you something odd,
and this is gonna sound weird,

but I had this dream last night,

and you came in here
and you played out this dream.

It's unbelievable.
It's totally unbelievable.

(WHISPERS) Fuck.

MAN: We want to live that dream.

We're doing this for us family.

We want to give them a better life,
a decent home, a future.

We've got four kids. We're saving
for college fees for the brightest.

It's a specialty act, and a good one.

I see a bright future for you two.

Fuck! Where's the art, eh?

Where's the originality?

Says she who thinks "legs akimbo"
is in the Kama Sutra.

This is my game, kid.

You might have had a few knee tremblers
along the way, but I am an artiste.

No, you are stuck in your ways,
because you've been at it for too long.

And you've not been at it long enough.

You know what?
You're past your sell-by date, love.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

Suits you.

You look lovely.

I'm sorry.

Are you gonna tell me what's up?

I'm just bored.

Of me? Us?

Of this place.

I wake up here,
I work here, eat here, sleep here.

I'll live and fucking die here.

The same four walls'd
drive anyone round the bend.

You are more important than any of this.

Now, let's get a smile back on that face.

I love you.

LILLIAN: I managed
to convince her to come back.

I miss the funny accent, if I'm honest.

Fucking skin her!

Can we not aim for a bit of decorum?

Look, we've people's futures in our hands.
Hopes, dreams, ambitions.

Decision time.

Well, I think we can lose
"woman with the cock".

It's a man with tits.

It's just confusing.

- RSCPA'II kick off.
- Vacuum man were interesting.

Perfect, if you want a good ramming.

A looker but a bit obvious.

Yeah, when you pay good money,
"obvious" is what you want.

Our final four.

The librarian from Burnley?

This wasn't on our vote, Lillian.

Who told you this were a democracy?
I want him and all.

- Why?
- Reminds me of little Bobby Davro.

Bobby only has to smile to get me wet.

You must have savings or money
put aside for you by the family?

Nope, every penny I've got
went on buying the fittings back.

My fittings, my shop.

All that matters is, I'm gonna do it.

Well, determination for its own sake
can be very admirable, but...

Like that Japanese guy who kept fighting
World War II in, like, 1976 or summat.

What? It finished in...ages before that.

(PHONE BEEPS)

It's my cousin. Wants to know the plan.

What is the plan?

That failure is not an option.

I could have a word, you know?

No, I mean, I could have a word
with the family, about money.

Your cousin could come if he's worried.

You never gave a toss
about the shop in the past,

so why would we believe that you do now?

Things are different now.

I'm different.

What I need and what I don't,
all different.

We've got a pub to run.

I could get that place back in profit
in three months.

How?

I'll stay open day and night,
work my fingers to the bone.

I won't take a wage till we're in profit.

You'd have access to the books 24/7,
and if he fucks up...

I won't...fuck up.

All right. One condition.

You call it Paddy's Market after my dad.

No. It's my shop.

I'm in there in the bricks and the mortar,
and you're not, and neither is your dad.

Come on. What's in a name?

You're a Maguire.
Would you let anyone take that away?

(TEXT ALERT)

(BEATBOXES)

- What the fuck are you doing?
- My own little routine, mate.

Oh, shit, yeah. How did it go?

I don't need 'em.

Yeah, you're right, mate.
Do it all on your own.

Mortgage, gas, leccy,
council tax, VAT, no credit.

All that shit'd get a lesser man down,
mate, but not you.

You're a fucking superhero.

Do Asian people have superheroes or is
it just gods with loads of arms and stuff?

That's Hindu. I'm Muslim. Duh!

Fuck off! Hindus are only
in fucking comics and that.

I've got work, mate.

(BEATBOXES)

I've never seen one with a bend like that.
Is it 90 degrees?

It varies. Acute and obtuse.

Can fuck round corners.
That's got to be an advantage.

Kelly's right.
No substitute for experience.

Ruby has got a point, though.

Gudrun has got all the enthusiasm
of a beginner.

Amongst other advantages.

- Hindenburg.
- Bless you.

She does make me laugh, that Ruby.

I can't understand a word she says,
but I just smile and nod.

I thought at least one of them
would be here for induction.

I've sent 'em out.

Medical's my bag.

Speaking of which, would you bend over?

(SQUELCH)

I have to admit...

...some of your young and virile team
were...fucking knockout.

I can see why punters keep returning
to some of your more experienced heads.

Doesn't poverty make people do kinky shit?

There's been an offer made on the shop.

Shit.

(SIGHS)

A bit of luck, I could have
made something of this place.

- I'm sorry.
- Nah.

I'll grab my stuff.

I turned the offer down.

(GASPS)

We'll have the deeds
transferred first thing tomorrow.

Grandad'll fuckin' kill you.

Don't let me down, Ches.

I will not let you down.
No way will I let you down.

Thank you so fucking much.

Hey! Love-in?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

So you're gonna try
and make a go of this place?

Yeah.

Well, in that case,
you're gonna need these.

- For?
- Them.

KAREN: We've gone with magnolia.

You're all right with magnolia,
aren't you?

They only had magnolia.

I like magnolia. I love magnolia.

Could do with a few more rollers
and brushes.

Jamie, go on. Some in our loft.

I'll give you a hand.

MIMI: No need to stand on ceremony.

I've checked on the internet,
and this is all kosher.

That's Jewish, Mimi.

Lamb's Jewish?

CHESNEY: Kosher's Jewish.

MIMI: Then what's lamb?

New Zealand?

Thought they were Welsh.

Look, can I ask what this is all about?

Never thought I'd hear myself say this,
Ches, but you impressed me here, mate.

You showed commitment. Can't buy that.

Fuck knows we've tried. Turnip?

JAMIE: We wanna help you
get back on your feet, mate.

Go on.

Mam?

We sell dope from your place,

maybe a bit of coke,
and the money goes through the till.

Laundering?

We stay silent partners.
Take 10% of your profits.

And discount at the till. A little one.

What's the catch?

There isn't one.

You've got no family around here, Ches.

So, from now on, you're one of us.
An honorary Maguire.

And that offer's not extended to many.

So, are you in?

Too fucking right!

Welcome to the clan.

KAREN AND MIMI: Cheers.

I suppose you're pleased with yourself?

Yeah.

I always knew you had it in you.

No, you didn't. But I did.

That makes no sense.
I'm a figment of your imagination.

I'm after a better quality
of hallucination.

(GIGGLES)

All right?

I'll put a curse on you!

(GIGGLES) Ooh!

# No, no, no... #

CHESNEY: On reflection,

I don't believe there is a light
at the end of the tunnel.

No voice telling you to go back.

Once your number's up, it's up.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

# My baby don't mess around
because she loves me so... #

CHESNEY: So, take a good look around.

Like what you see? Great, enjoy.

But if you don't, move on and move on now.

No use settling for second best.
This ain't no rehearsal.

This is the real deal.

It's my bike. I'm the bloke, clearly.

Winslet in front, DiCaprio behind.

- (SIGHS)
- I'm the bloke.

Fuck off! I am the bloke.

How the fuck are you the bloke?

(LAUGHS)

- Hold on, Ches!
- Yeah!

- I am the bloke!
- Fuck off! I'm the bloke!