Original subtitles

(TAPPING)

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high,

literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word, or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water.

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Party!

SHANE: I never got that whole Robin Hood thing, me.

I mean, for a start, he used to hang about in the woods with a monk.

Plus he wore tights.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm down with robbing the rich.

But giving to the poor?

Fuck that.

Finders keepers.

Justine! Get out of there now, you fucking slut!

SHANE: You never hear the word "poor" any more, do you?

We've been rebranded. Now we're "underprivileged".

I think I prefer "benefit scum". It's less patronising.

If Robin Hood were around today, I wouldn't take owt off him, anyway.

I've always taken care of myself, thanks.

We all get dealt a bad hand now and again.

But the mark of a man is to pick himself up and move on.

You know what they say.

If life hands you lemons...

- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - Bollocks!

- What's this? - What does it look like?

Ooh, it's your tab.

So, I've built up a couple of weeks on tick. You know I'm good for it.

Are you?

Look, Shane, I know how it is, OK?

And if things are tight,

well, I could always find a few bits for you to do round here until...

Oh, yeah. You'd love that, you, wouldn't you? Go on.

What have you got in mind, ferreting tumble-pubes out of the urinal?

I'll even throw in a pair of Marigolds.

- Thanks. I'm not a charity case. - Fine.

We'll stop treating you like one, then.

Pay your tab or get on the wagon.

KAREN: Ah.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. Sorry.

Lads' night in, me and Carl.

Oh yeah? I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

Don't know how that got there.

Aye.

Dirty bastard.

Human Centipede. It's supposed to be well funny.

Yeah, about that. I can't make it, sorry.

Clem put her foot down, has she?

Mate, come with us if you like.

We're not doing owt, just having a drink by the canal.

Nah, no thanks. You know, wouldn't want to be a...sixth wheel.

(CHESNEY LAUGHS)

That's funny. See you later.

So how's tall, black and jobless?

Nothing about, work-wise. All the fight's gone out of him.

He seems resigned to curling up and licking his wounds.

I used to be able to do that. Before my back.

Seriously, Gloria, what is that smell?

- What smell? - Smells like...sex.

(MAN SIGHING)

LILLIAN: Oh! There's a naked man climbing out from your laundry basket!

- (HE SIGHS) - Oh!

Dominic. Do we need to see that first thing?

I'm trying to earn my keep. Out.

- Mm! - Ladies.

Ooh!

Dominic!

- Who was that? - My brother.

- The priest? - What is it with priests and big knobs?

(LILLIAN AND AVRIL LAUGH)

It's not funny.

(DOG BARKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Katherine.

Now then, Dom. Didn't know you was back.

- Where's the dog collar? - Dry cleaners.

I'll have a pint, please and, er...a couple of chasers.

You haven't lost the faith?

You've not gone Protestant, have you?

No, no, I'm just having a break, that's all.

Oh. How did you wangle that?

Won a draw. Names in a mitre.

Oh. How comes you've not been in to see us, then? What have you been doing?

- (DANCE MUSIC) - Whoo!

Just keeping busy.

- (REVERSING VEHICLE BEEPS) - (DOG BARKING)

No, this is better than money, I'm telling you.

It's a two-man operation, like. I'd help myself, but...

How many cigarettes

- are we talking here? - Enough.

Delivery guy always stops at this one particular store,

then goes in for a bit of extra-marital with one of the late shift.

Leaves his van just sitting there, half-stocked.

Two-man job, yeah?

- Maybe ask one of your brothers? - I have got other mates, thank you.

Yeah, course you have.

So, are...are we squits, then?

Yeah, we're squits.

(LAUGHTER AND CONVERSATION)

Enjoying your tap water?

Champion.

Fuck 'em! Cock!

Shake n' Vac!

(SLURS) Don't afford what... what you can't touch.

- Kelly. - What?

You fucking wish!

(YAWNS)

Do you reckon he had somebody back at the house with him?

Well, he claims he can't remember, but there was someone, I'll tell you that.

Cos I just spent the afternoon

wire-brushing the dry remnants of her off my fucking sofa cushions.

- Eurgh! - Are priests allowed to do that?

Oh, he's a dogma unto himself, that one.

And besides, he's on "extended sabbatical".

- Why? - He won a draw.

Yeah, and the second prize was a Popemobile.

Oh, right.

(LAUGHTER)

- Ha-ha! - Popemobile!

Because it's stealing. Because it's against the law!

Oh, the law?

And the fucking law's done us a lot of favours recently, hasn't it, Jackson?

Oh, right, right. So this is all about revenge, is it? Sticking it to the man?

Look, if it makes you feel better, for me it's about the money.

A lot of money, actually.

Each. A 60-40 split.

I don't care how much it is. I'm not risking my whole...

Hang on. What do you mean, 60-40?

Well, it's my gig, innit? I'm providing the transport.

Hey, I'm doing anything, then it's 50-50 or nothing.

Does this mean you're in?

- Easy, you say? - Fish in a barrel.

- You are sure? - Never been surer.

Is that Ches? Thought you said he wasn't coming.

Who's that with him?

Looks like Lise. I call her Toploader.

- Toploader? - Yeah.

All right? This is Clem. Lise.

- How's it going? - And you know Carl.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yeah, we've met.

Right, I'll get on the bevs.

Oh! Hey, you're in a wheelchair.

- CLEM: So I am. - TOPLOADER: Aw.

Good for you.

- Them are some big tits. - Thanks!

Oh! Jesus Christ.

Get you a fucking bell or something.

Well?

Well, I was thinking more of an inner-city, council-run

nursing home, myself, but if you think they'll have you...

For Stella!

Her birthday.

Oh. Tomorrow!

I know it's her birthday tomorrow.

Think I don't know my own daughter's birthday?

That's tomorrow!

Her birthday was two months ago. You IOU'd her a special day out.

I'm a bit strapped.

It's free admission.

I also can't be bothered.

Oh! Oh!

No, no, if you think having a stroke's gonna guilt-trip me...

It's muscle fatigue. Comes and goes.

I'll barely be able to move by the morning.

Probably going to need help getting on and off the toilet.

Oh, fine. I'll go.

- Are you gonna tell them or what? - (TOPLOADER SLURPS DRINK)

Yeah, um...I'm moving in with Clem.

(LAUGHS)

Way to sound enthusiastic, Carl. Cheers.

It's a bit...sudden, innit?

Sorry, don't you mean "congratulations"?

(SLURPS DRINK)

Yeah. Course.

Congratulations, mate.

Cheers.

(SLURPS DRINK)

Right, so, I'll see you at 10.30 in the morning, for highlights and a blow-dry.

All right. Bye, love.

Nice.

- Who's it from? - Could be anyone, couldn't it?

But if I had to guess,

I'd say it's the sober half of whoever you were up to your balls in last night.

Aren't you worried he knows where you're living? Sorry, sponging.

Ah, no, he's vented it now.

He won't follow through. People don't commit to anything

- these days. - I hope you're right.

It's gonna be hard for me to coax punters through the door

with your bollocks nailed to the outside of it.

Something you said then. You've got me thinking.

What did? "Bollocks" or "nailed"?

Yes!

Yes.

(CHUCKLES) Brilliant.

Who did you shag? Cinderella? Shall we take it round

pubs and clubs? "Whomsoever this bra fits..."

I'm game.

Right. Here we go.

- You done this kind of thing a lot? - I like to think I'm an old pro, yeah.

Ever got caught?

Oh, wonderful(!)

Right, just let him get in there,

give 'em a couple of minutes, let 'em start getting their jiggy on.

I reckon...

In case of cameras.

And what makes you...

- Did you bring me one? - No.

- Why not? - I figured you'd bring your own.

Old pro and all.

(WHISPERS) Come on, you fucking idiot.

Right. Off you go.

You what?

One of us has got to stay up here, right?

Throw us as much as you can, and I'll help you back up.

- Why don't you go down there and...? - Bagsie up here!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sorry, law of the playground.

(DISTANT SIRENS)

It's not fucking Belmarsh. Fuck's sake.

Get over.

(DOG BARKING NEARBY)

- Get over, you bender! - I'm trying.

Shut up.

- My mask! - (DOG BARKING)

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oi! I thought you only said you had one pair.

You think I'm letting you stick your face in my wife's tights?

Whatever, Jackson. Just get on with it.

He's probably mentally counting off the England '96 squad by now.

It's locked.

It opens upwards!

You've a lot to say for a spectator!

What are you doing?

Having a look.

Who's going to get us back up there now?

- TOPLOADER: You all right? - CLEM: Yeah.

Mate, you can do better.

Say that again?

Look, you know you can. Fuck's sake, Carl, she's...

CARL: What?

You know.

I mean, can she even...?

Yeah, she can. And a fuck lot better than Toploader too.

- You and Lise? - Mate, me and a lot of birds.

And none of them, not one, even come close.

You need to start opening your eyes seriously, man.

The way she talks all the time, big "I am".

Well, anybody can go university, you know. They probably only took her cos she's...

Fuck you. Fuck off.

What?

- We're going. - Bye-bye!

Bye-bye.

Fuck! OK. OK, calm down, calm down. Right. Yeah, we'll take the whole thing.

We'll ride it out the front. Fucking Butch Cassidy.

How did we go from nicking fags

- to grand theft auto? - It's called improvising, Jackson!

Quick.

- Go on, then. - Stand back.

(ALARM SOUNDS)

- Shit! - Fucking idiot!

- Dickhead! Sorry.

- Kiss my arse! - Dickhead, I said stand back!

Oi!

Derek!

- (ALARM BLARING) - Fuck it!

Shit!

Ah! Fish in a barrel?

- (DOG BARKING) - (ALARM BLARING)

Shit.

Fucking hell! Aah!

Shane. Shane!

Shane!

(SIREN BLARING)

(DOG BARKING)

- (SHEEP BLEATING) - Hello!

- What's all this, then? - It's er...contributions for the farm.

I thought it was free.

Yeah. Yeah, go on. Off you go, chicken.

(CLUCKING)

Aaah!

Uh!

Uh!

I think we're done here, Princess.

(SCREAMING)

Just remember, if the old bag asks...

Whoa! Oh! Oh!

Come on.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Wasn't my fault.

Never work with amateurs.

JACKSON: That your dinner, is it?

Since you blew our payday, as a matter of fact, it is, Jackson, yeah.

I grabbed it when you knocked all the shit over.

That was you.

(NEARBY SIREN)

- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

They're out of date, Shane.

Sell-bys are bollocks. You can always add a week on, can't you?

Anyway, besides, it's fucking free, innit? What do you want?

Cost two quid in the shops, them.

(FAMILIES CHATTERING)

Lise?

Hm?

I've been thinking. We're getting on all right, aren't we?

Yeah.

So, what do you reckon we just go for it?

Why don't you move in with me?

Well, I'll have to ask Ryan.

Who's Ryan?

He's sort of my boyfriend. But I'll definitely think about it.

- All right? - Aw...!

Hiya, you.

So, what are we gonna do about it, then?

He's your best mate. I'm a wheelie.

- I'm not good enough for him, right? - Don't talk shite.

Uh-huh.

Well, tomorrow, me and you are going on a picnic.

We'll take it from there.

You don't mind me going on a date with your boyfriend, do you?

Eh? Oh!

I didn't even know you knew Ryan.

Yeah, if you like. I'm probably moving in with Ches anyway.

Right. See you tomorrow.

I don't get it.

Why risk our arses nicking stuff they're going to be keeping an eye on?

Take stuff past its sell-by, sell it on, money for nothing.

So you want us to...

to steal garbage?

Yes!

And do what with it? Flog it off street corners?

Jackson, look at me. Eh?

Do I look like a fucking fruit-and-veg man?

A little, yeah. But you're missing the bigger picture.

I'm talking take in bulk, sell in bulk.

Schools, kitchens, anywhere that's after cutting corners and saving pennies.

There's profit in their rubbish.

It's original, I'll give you that.

Jog any memories?

Didn't wear matching underwear, so a classy bird as usual.

- Mm. - Oh, you look lovely.

She wasn't blonde after all. She was a redhead.

Oh, good. We're narrowing it down, then.

- (KNOCKING) - Open this door, you fucking twat!

What are you doing, you lunatic? He'll beat the crap out of you!

- (SHOUTING) - Shut up!

Do you want me to torch your fucking place? Do you?

- Do you think he wants these back? - (SHE SNORTS)

MAN: Open the fucking door!

Ssh!

You twat! You're fucking dead.

I'm fucking coming for you, I'm telling you!

I think he's gone.

- It's OK, stay there. Ssh, it's OK. - Don't. No, don't. No, don't.

It's all right, he's gone.

See? I told you it'd be OK, didn't I?

(WINDOW SMASHES)

(SCREAMS)

You could give us a hand.

I do love you, Glores, but manual labour?

Jesus was a carpenter!

Yeah, look where it got him.

Hey, Dom?

This is stupid.

You're a very negative person, Ches.

A nice picnic is just what we need to get to know each other.

So, apart from the fact he's going out with me,

I hear you're also fucked off with our Carl

for not joining you on the reccie drugs any more?

Yeah, well, what do you expect?

Now that he's all, "uphold the law", "serve the public trust".

Sickening, isn't it? So...

...regular, or decaf?

- Was I here a few nights ago? - Hm. I wasn't on.

- Do you get any redheads in? - Well, just Ginger Pete.

Unless he's a 32C, he's probably not who I'm after.

Pint?

- Real leather? - What?

Leather!

- Kelly! - What the fuck?

- She called me a fucking lesbian! - (SHOUTING)

- Get out! You're barred! - Get the fuck off me!

- You are barred! Come on! - I'll fucking have you!

- (BIRDSONG) - (WATER LAPPING)

Eight.

What? Don't think girls can rate other girls' arses?

- No. That's weird. - Hm.

Now, that's an eight.

Mm.

CLEM: Five.

Nah, three. Hey.

- Seven. - Six.

- Hm. Nine. - Nine.

- So? - No way!

- I won't tell Carl. - I am not rating a guy's arse.

- Four. - Fuck off! He's barely a three!

CHESNEY: Fuck!

- Whoo! - Fucking hell! Whoa!

Two years, and I ended it with him.

Why?

- I caught him. - What, cheating?

Not exactly.

You and Carl have got no chance. He's practically in training for the Olympics.

Yeah, it wasn't so much the deed itself. It was more the visual aid.

- Huh? - Pedigree Pets.

- What dog was... - German Shepherd.

Fucking hell!

They're not even that fit.

There!

You know what?

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- I remember. - Oh!

- Oh! - She was black.

It's not funny any more, Dominic.

I laid awake last night worrying that nutter was coming back.

And you have done nothing

to try and find out who it was you were actually with.

I've narrowed it down. I've already crossed off Ginger Pete.

Oh, what is wrong with you?

Does nothing ever bother you?

You flit about like there's never going to be any consequences,

like somehow it's all just going to work out.

- It usually does. - No, it doesn't.

You just wind up back here, and muggins has to drag you out of the fire.

So maybe you should stop.

This is my home, Dominic.

And I'm tired of taking the punches cos you won't.

All right.

I'm sorry, sis.

(# OASIS: She's Electric)

Listen, about the plan. We're gonna have to make sure...

Way ahead of you.

What's this?

This stuff's going to be a lot bigger than cigarettes.

OK, here's what we do.

In and out, ten minutes tops.

That's the roof there. Those are the cages.

Head over to them, fill your bags with as much as you can,

bring 'em back here.

Then I'll pull 'em up, unload them here and pass the bags back down again.

Easy.

- You drew this? - Yeah.

And, er...that's me, is it, there?

- Yeah. - Why am I so small?

It's not to scale, Shane.

Oh, but that's you, is it?

Up there, taking it easy whilst I run around like a little pack mule?

Well, I did come up with the plan.

The plan? You drew a fucking picture.

Does that suddenly make you brains of the operation now?

Yeah.

That's right. I am.

Oh, very mature.

Admit it. You had fun.

Well, I did. We should do it again some time.

Maybe invite Carl? He doesn't get to mess about much any more.

Well, he gets everything else.

It wouldn't have mattered who he was moving in with, would it?

You just don't like the idea of him growing up and getting on with his life.

What are you on about?

Jesus, what was the point of any of this? What do I have to do?

I am not going to be one of those girls that comes between mates.

So...do you wanna shag me, or what?

Will that do it, even things up a bit?

- What do you mean? - Come on.

I'll give you a hand job right now, if that's what it takes.

AIDAN: Frank, what you doing?

(FOOTSTEPS)

What you doing?

- What's that? - An Albanian snow leopard.

- (SQUEAKS) - It's a terrapin.

Why bother asking, then?

Whatever it is, he's dying.

He's not a tortoise. He needs water.

(TERRAPIN SQUEAKS)

FRANK: There you go, Terry.

- Terry? - It's his name.

So how did your great experiment go? Manage to win him over?

She has her moments.

Is there anything you can't do?

Water-skiing. But I'll get there.

By the way, offered him a no-strings shag and he said no.

Loyal mate, this one.

Nah, he just couldn't get it up, could he?

Fuck off!

Yay! Hug it out!

Yeah, that's probably not gonna happen, is it?

CARL: So, you really offered him a shag?

Yep.

And he really said no?

(ALARM BLARING)

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

Go.

And remember the deal, two loads and then we swap.

(NEARBY SIREN)

Get down here.

Pulling a plastic bag over barbed wire. Fucking genius. Well done, mate.

JACKSON: And this is your plan, is it?

Just strolling out? You're the brains now, are you?

- And the brawn. - That's debatable.

Oh, yeah? You wanna fucking go, do you?

- Maybe I do, yeah. - Come on, then!

- You... - Er...ahem!

Come on!

- It's not what it looks like! - Brilliant. That should fool him.

- Oh, you think you can do better? - Yeah, I could.

Be my fucking guest.

How much, mate, to turn a blind eye? 20 quid?

You do know that stuff's out of date?

And you want to pay me to let you nick out-of-date food?

Apparently.

Fuck it. You make it 25, I'll help you load it up myself.

Done.

You're off, then, are you?

New life, moving in with your little sympathy-vote girlfriend?

Watch your mouth.

- (DOG BARKING) - Fair dos.

Don't forget Father's Day.

That's it?

It would appear so.

You really are a cunt, you know that?

90% perspiration, son. The more I practise, the luckier I get.

If you're looking to cash in your inheritance, I've invested it

on your behalf.

I'm just glad to get the dust of this shit-hole off my shoes.

We're glad to see the back of you.

I'm ashamed of you, you know that? Always have been.

You're the one ride I'd always wished I'd worn a johnny for.

Two, for safety.

I really fucking hate you.

I know.

Likewise.

- You cunt. - You ball-bag.

(CHILDREN PLAYING NEARBY)

Mondays and Thursdays, before the staff get in.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Two schools, two shelters, three old farts' homes.

You know what we've got here, don't you?

- What? - A fucking business.

- What you doing? - What?

Terry!

What in God's name is wrong with you now?

Where is he? What have you done? Terry?!

- Who's Terry? - He's my fucking terrapin!

- Who else would he be? - What?

Where is he? What have you done?

Oh! Terry!

Where is he?

You've killed him! We were the same, him and me!

All alone in the world, dumped in the gutter, loved ones gone forever.

Er...well, admittedly, in his case,

cos I'd stood on them all,

- but that's just fucking... - (SQUEAKING)

Aaah! Oh!

Ah! Ha-ha-ha! There he is!

- (TERRAPIN SQUEAKS) - Hey! Ah!

He went home! He wet his head and crawled home.

- Oh! - Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! What did I tell you? He's just like me.

Hey, rent's on Friday, keep the noise down,

and if you ever bring any women back, make sure she's got a friend for me, yeah?

(SQUEAKS)

Good news!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I talked to Ryan.

We're through.

- Oh. - So, I'm moving in.

You're...

It'll be nice living in a shop.

Oh, can I have this?

Yeah.

I'll bring my stuff round later this afternoon, yeah?

(SHE GIGGLES)

Wanna make it official?

It's gonna be nice walking in there, money for the kitty,

not feeling like such a loser.

Last few weeks have been hard.

Haven't even felt like a man. Me and her have hardly even fucked in...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck are you doing?

Caring and sharing? We're business partners.

This is not a fucking self-help group.

Plus, I still owe you a slap.

Now piss off.

Oh, er...Jackson?

Give her one from me, though, eh? You are the brawn, after all.

Yeah, and the brains. So what does that make you?

Mm. The good-looking one?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ches?

Chesney?

CHESNEY: Oh...

Eurgh!

Yes!

# Hallelujah! #

Ches?

Hey. Karen'll go mental.

You know the rules -

nothing with four legs unless it's got a blind person attached to it.

Perhaps you should think about staying somewhere else just for a bit.

I think witness relocation's a bit strong, don't you?

Look, I've done nothing wrong. Well, legally. Look, I'll just...

Don't say it'll work out, please, Dominic.

Fella's been asking after you, the last couple of days.

Oh, well, let us know

- when he's in again, yeah? - He's in now.

Look, Gloria, it's all right.

I'll just...I'll have a nice word, you know, straighten it out.

Do you really ever?

(# THE PRODIGY: Smack My Bitch Up)

- # Smack my bitch up... # - Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I remember now. There was two of them.

And the black girl, she had red hair,

which I thought was pretty strange when you come to think about it.

This'll be that consequence you've been banging on about?

(WHISPERS) I guess that's what it is.

(# KINGS OF LEON: 4 Kicks)

I want a fucking word with you.

Gentlemen, please.

Don't. He fucked their wives, both of them, at once.

Isn't he a priest?

For what it's worth, they're lovely girls.

Get up!

(GROANS AND SHOUTS)

# You with your switchblade posse

# I'll get my guns from the south... #

Thanks.

#...Four kicks Who's struttin' now? #

What the fuck is that thing?

His name is Terry.

OK, you'll do.

- Cheers. - You're welcome.

Wake-up call?

I need a drink. Now!

Why don't you let me get you one, eh?

OK.

Glores, will you sub us a tenner there?

Mum?

Mum!

If you're gonna borrow my tights, at least...

Er...

actually, that was me.

LETITIA: Oh, God, I don't want to know.

Just give me some money and I'm out for the day.

Kitchen.

Hey, we're going out too.

- I'm buying you dinner. - Oh.

AVRIL: Flush, are we?

Now, please, can I have a pint?

Of course.

Come on, you know I'm good for it.

SHANE: Ah, I don't know, maybe Robin Hood kind of had the right idea,

but just didn't have very good business sense, that's all.

Cos the thing about the poor is,

they'll always find money if they need it, for the necessities and that.

You see, that's why you never see a sober homeless.

Steal from the rich, sell to the rich, and let them mark it up for the poor.

Now that should have been his thing, the daft twat.

You see, I've always liked being at rock bottom.

Then any little victory you can muster tastes so much sweeter.

One little gamble, and suddenly,

everything is coming up roses.

Next.

I'm so sorry.

- Nice set, though. - (BAR BELL RINGS)