Original subtitles

Where's your dignity?

I'm celebrating my freedom.

I thought it was about me dad.

I've no interest in him.

I'm going in as an out-patient, to get my meds assessed.

Have you been here this whole time?

I'm not sure.

Frank, my Frank!

I never doubted you for a second!

Anyone watching, thinking they know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back...

So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high...

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots!

Now you've got your ConDemNation...

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times.

Yak yak yak yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Paaaarty!

People get confused about freedom, as a concept.

They think freedom concerns human rights.

You know, freedom of speech, freedom of expression,

blah, blah, fucking blah.

All bollocks.

The meaning of the word has been distorted beyond recognition,

sliced up like it can be quantified.

I'll see your freedom of assembly

and raise you freedom of association.

Queen, seven, six, yeah?

Now, OK, who wants a card?

Hit me.

Queen to the Chezer, Big Bullto Tab-lations.

'Ask any one of these muppets about freedom, and they'll tell you,

'you've no idea what it is until it's been taken from you.'

Three to the dealer, which was my size

when I came out of those bastard freezing showers earlier.

Who wants a card?

Hit me.

No, you...

No, look, you've fucking already got 20!

All right, I'll get to you. Fuckin'...

Eh, Scanlon, Scanlon, who was up front for City last night?

Medication time, ladies and gentlemen.

Hit me.

I will in a minute...

Scanlon!

Scanner... When, what?

I just... I... you know... take me now.

All right, buddy.

Eh, where do you think she keeps her loose change?

There, or there?!

Eh, come on.

Scanner!

He can't...

Excuse me, love, excuse me, love...

Do you think you could just turn the music down a bit,

so that perhaps the boys don't need to SHOUT to be heard?

Don't get upset, Mr Gallagher.

We have a lot of old people on this ward who wouldn't hear the music if we turned it lower.

When I'm gone, they can have it as loud as they want...

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, really?

And what part of blowing your examiner in nursing school

qualifies you to make that decision?

As it happens, the length of your stay is largely my decision.

I make a recommendation and the panel act on it.

An abusive potty-mouth is unlikely to strengthen your case.

Potty Mouth?!

Potty Mouth!

Am I being hospitalised in the 1950s?

Is James Robertson-Justice doing the rounds?

Your medication.

What's in it?

There's no need to be squeamish.

If you don't want to take the drugs orally,

we can find another way!

Squeamish about drugs? Me?

I have never been so insulted.

I was just trying to figure out a way how to get his and hers

and hers.

You were talking about sticking them pills up my arse, weren't you?

'Visiting is two until four, and is permitted

'entirely at the discretion of the clinical consultant.'

Thank you, that was just as helpful the first twice you told me.

My fiancee was suffering memory loss until very recently.

Familiar objects or faces might be of value.

Couldn't you make an exception, just this once?

'No.'

I want to speak to someone in charge.

Get me the chief...

psychiatrist.

'Yeah, that's me.

'I'm the chief psychiatrist. What do you want?'

Don't be ridiculous.

You're an arsehole in a crew-neck!

I want someone who stayed on at school beyond year nine.

'All right. Just a minute.

'Hello? Yeah, it's me, the professor.

'What can I do you for?'

Frank!

BABY CRIES

Can I have another one, Jay?

What's wrong with that one?

Nothing. It's just...

You're not missing him?

He's been gone three week and I'm only now getting his stink out me nostrils.

But? It's the one time it genuinely in't his fault.

And we're like "We know him better than you, Libby.

"He'll rob, cheat, run away."

In fairness, Carl, he has got previous.

Don't make it right, does it?

It's her I feel sorry for.

Women plan their weddings when they're little girls.

To wait until you're her age, until you're nearly a coffin-dodger

only to have it snatched away.

Ah well, fuck all to be done.

We could put it on for 'em.

The wedding.

We could organise it to say sorry.

No.

We could organise it for them.

I'll spread the word.

Ah, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

What a shame.

How did you get my number?

There's not much gets in my way when there's something I want.

That do it for him, does it, Frank?

The slutty librarian look?

It's not a look. I am a slutty librarian.

Except for the slutty bit.

You've got...

You and your cripple mother are occupying my marital home,

and I would very much appreciate it if you would vacate...

I don't mean to be cruel, but Frank divorced you, it's time to move on.

It's just all there...

When one is divorced, in absentia, one can contest it,

which I have done, and the original petitioner

has 28 days in which to challenge my challenge, which Frank hasn't.

He's in hospital.

How's poor little me to know that?

Frank's 28 days run out tomorrow,

so make sure you hand the keys over by five.

You've got a house. You don't need ours.

I know, but it's not so much about me having it...

it's more about you... not having it.

This has nothing to do with the house, or Liam, or Stella.

This is about Frank.

As if.

Watch yourself, Monica.

Nothing much gets in my way either.

This is my first erection since 1987.

Mimi?

Upstairs.

Mimi?

I'm in the...

I need your help. I have to see Frank.

Monica's trying to nullify the divorce.

Bitch.

Would it be all right if I wipe my arse first?

So, he went off with the other g-girl, and I never saw him again.

Is that why you tried to kill yourself, Carly?

You were ashamed?

I'm n-not ashamed.

Can you understand how it felt for your parents to have

a daughter who behaved like... well, like a slut?

I d-didn't do what they said.

Slut isn't my word, but it's the word others might use.

Something to add, Mr Gallagher?

No, nothing, fuck you very much.

Perhaps the group can learn from your situation.

Well, I'm always happy to oblige, you know, for the sake of the group.

OK, go ahead... Mildred.

Why do you think you're here, Frank?

Well, I'm here because I fight, fuck,

imbibe to excess every day in life, regular as religion,

and that scares the living shit out of dusty-cunted control freaks

such as your good self.

That close enough?

LAUGHTER

Point is, we are a community, and one of us needs some help.

We've got 24 hours to pull together a wedding,

and everyone is going to play their part.

I could...

I'm fine. Thanks.

No, no - just try and keep up, will you?

Superman, Spider-Man, Wizard of Oz - fictional.

Barbara Windsor - real.

'Mr Gallagher to Reception.'

Two minutes.

How did you...?

I'm not allowed visitors.

I gave him chocolate.

Is that a euphemism?

You let him...

up the shitter?

No, God, no. Real chocolate.

Mimi knows everyone,

put out feelers. Turns out the head of security's a big fat fella,

do anything for a couple of airport-sized Toblerones.

I thought you'd got cold feet.

Well, I had, in a manner of speaking. Not just me feet...

the fuckers took every thread of clothing I had.

I feel so ashamed.

I believed everything they said... that clip on the web.

Well, to be honest, I...I'd seriously considered shagging her,

just...just for the warmth.

But I couldn't. I just couldn't.

Because of you, Libby.

I bought the new kitchen and joined in,

casting stones when no sin had been committed.

Can you ever forgive me?

Frank?

Er, what?

Sorry. Er, sorry - I just...

Midnight Express for a minute there.

Monica's trying to sabotage our happiness.

We won't let her!

We've only got 24 hours, or your divorce is annulled.

I'm getting out. For you.

I'll wed you, Libby Croker.

I love the bones of you, Frank Gallagher.

And I love... Did you say we've got a new kitchen?

Yes.

Yes. Time.

Well, I hope we didn't stump for it.

One of the very few advantages of local authority housing, that is.

That's what council tax is for.

Did you get the receipt?

I am coming home, Libby. Mark me.

Veil and all. It's needed.

I need netting, Lillian.

Fine, coloured netting - yellow, pale blue, salmon pink. And ribbon.

It's a bastard getting haberdashery on short notice round here.

I might need mine.

Wedding favours.

Bomboniere in lace and ribbon, maybe a whisky-fudge filling.

They go for five quid each in the shops, easy.

What? Just cos I'm a bloke,

I'm not allowed to appreciate a bit of decorative embroidery?

Dresser on't landing, left-hand cupboard.

Just take what you need.

You're not doing Malcolm Talcum in there, are you?

Do I look like I work without a harness?

I'm baking the cake for Frank and Libby.

You?!

Yes. There is more to me than remarkably strong pelvic floor muscles, you know.

We're out of flour.

And this young lady wants to work with children

and bring about world peace. This one is kind to animals.

Overly affectionate, if you ask me.

Can't hear you. >

(STUTTERS) He's just a deaf and dumb Indian.

Oh, is that right, chief, eh?

You can't make a sound?

(MOUTHS) Eh? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Yeah, hey, hey!

He likes to(STUTTERS) burn stuff.

What's with the P-P-P-Porky Pig routine?

You're not what's become of Gareth Gates, are you?

You've been here three weeks.

I always... (STUTTERS) ..stutter.

Yes, well, I've been mashed off me fucking tits.

I couldn't have counted me own testicles,

let alone told you the therapeutic speech needs of my room-mates.

So how come you're not mashed?

Because...

I've been doing this for the last 48 hours.

Spit, don't swallow.

Something me first wife lived by, more's the pity.

Believe me, it goes against the grain.

Outside, I'm an outspoken advocate for pharmacology

and all its liberating qualities, but in here,

they use it to keep you down.

And if I'm breaking out, kid... Need a clear head, know what I mean?

Your flies are undone, chief.

Oi!

Feel free to roll your tongue back in.

I would if she stopped hanging her fanny in my face.

Besides, it's bad luck for a muff to be wearing a wedding dress that's not hers.

Don't call her a muff. Besides, we don't do superstitions. We're Catholics.

So was Jesus.

Didn't stop those fuckers crucifying him.

Jesus was a Catholic? Killed by Muslims?

No religious disputes till after the ceremony.

I need your oven. Ours is too small.

Sorry.

Is this OK?

Yeah.

No, it's fine.

You look like a hooker.

Thank you, Mum.

A desperate, middle-aged one.

I understand couples growing apart, seven-year itch.

I've even heard of women who so repulse their men,

the poor fellas turn to homosexuality!

But to drive a man insane,

to push him over the edge of reason, that's quite a talent.

What are you doing?

Excuse me - I'm having a conversation with my own daughter. >

Have you seen it out there?

That lot could put on the Olympics for ten bob and two milk bottle-tops.

Seb Coe'll be crying into his Pimm's.

I'm really touched, Mimi.

Frank would be, too.

There's not one woman on the estate would've done any different, you know.

I let him down, Mimi.

You misjudged your fella. It's not a fucking crime.

Especially considering his previous record.

It's all for nothing, all those good people out there. This.

Who am I kidding? There won't be any wedding.

Monica wins, we lose.

That's bollocks.

They're never going to let him out. I don't deserve him after what I've done,

and she's pulling the strings, like the puppet-master!

Ow!

I'm going to tell you something my mother told me,

and it's always stuck.

Stop moaning and feeling sorry for yourself, you whiny little bitch!

If he matters to you so much, then get off up your arse

and go and fetch him.

And it's not just me.

Taking over the asylum, are we?

Good for you, kid.

Now, if it's all the same, I've got a lot on me mind.

But I thought we were g...g...g...getting out.

Yeah, well, easy said.

Or not, in your case.

We've got a map. Taber.

It's...tattooed across his back.

Fucking knew Prison Break was realistic.

Tomorrow morning, after meds.

The orderlies go to brekkie.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

It's Liam.

He says if I'm best man I'm supposed to do a speech.

That's right.

I don't do speeches.

I'm the strong, silent one.

You're a shit-stirring little fucker.

Dunno how you can stand it here after all he did to you.

The place makes me want to take a nail-brush to my skin.

Mm.

Sometimes think they should put serotonin in the water supply

for these places, do us all a favour.

Hm.

Still...

Another 24 hours and we're done, eh?

Mm.

I do love you, Mon.

Don't know what I'd do without you.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Could I have a napkin, please?

HORN BLASTS

Fucking hell - I can't look at that.

I can't fucking get any more, mate, I tell ya.

Go on. Pop 'em in the bag.

They'll be put to good use on the outside.

Here you are, chief - something to remember me by when I'm famous.

(SHOUTS)

You can't m-m-m-make me!

I think I can. These are prescribed for you.

Hey!

Is this your doing?

What?

Carly hasn't taken her meds in nearly 24 hours.

It's no wonder she's feeling anxious.

Well, ramming them down her throat with a clenched fist

ain't going to calm her down any, is it?

You're a medical practitioner now, are you?

Something else to add to your many talents.

I'm just...

Just... That is not necessary.

Take your hands off me!

All right! Don't... Fucking ease up.

Come on, then. I'm just trying to fucking help. Fucking hell!

BANG

BAGPIPES BLAST

BABY CRIES

We're all right.

She slept from ten-to till twenty-past.

Carl kept us company.

Oh...

Right, this is what I've got.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of the bride and groom..."

That's took me all night.

If I wanted to do fucking speeches, I would've stuck in at school!

We are fucked.

Please.

Can you help us?

(SCREAMS)

Oh...

And up.

And relax.

And stretch again.

All right, Mr Gallagher?

The group were in the middle of exercise.

Pardon me, I just...

I'm supposed to have my anti-psychotics now.

Wait there, please.

Open the door!

How...?!

I've got tolerance, haven't I?

That's how we used to get our kicks when the kitty was empty - jump leads.

We'd better g...g...

Yeah, yeah. They'll be here by the time you've said it. Come on. Come on!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Lovely. Love...

Let me out.

You?

And her? And you?

Let me ou-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ut!

Frank. Come on.

We've got the fucking keys, Sitting Bull.

Come on.

Frank!

Let me out!

Come on!

Let me ou-u-u-u-u-u-u-ut!

Lillian?

What the fuck is that?

I've improvised. Inspired by Versace.

No wonder he got fucking shot.

Haute cuisine!

It looks like you've sneezed a lucky bag onto a doily.

Right, love, let's have you.

Jamie.

Yes, mate.

CELTIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

Like a pig in fucking clogs!

It won't bind. I can't make the cake fucking bind.

Come on, you were doing so well.

This is the only layer I can get to bind.

HEAVY THUD

Fancy a bite?

Oh, easy, they're delicate, these.

Oh, shut the fuck up!

You're such a woman these days, I'm surprised you're not breast feeding.

I thought you were home?

I've been in there gone an hour.

Ate one of his flipping curries.

Nowt wrong with the cooking.

Maybe it's got something to do with the vodka ices

she was sneaking in all night.

Hold on, what's this about you drinking vodka ices?

For fuck's sake, what's wrong with you? Eat it!

ROWDY CHATTER

What's this?

Wedding by chaos theory?

BELL RINGS

Right, everyone!

I think it's time we got organised.

Right, look, look!

It's very nice, you know, very flattering...

but it's like Shaun of the fucking Dead.

I'm very proud to be captain of the Merry Pranksters,

but you're hardly inconspicuous, are you?

You'll get me huckled.

(GROANS)

You'll be all right, go on.

Go on.

Go on, cowboy.

Cheer up, Charlie.

It's C...

Carly, yeah I know, it's just an expression.

Frank!

You'll be all right, love.

Just don't...

give yourself away for nothing.

I want lads to like me.

Sweetheart, any lad who likes you because you ride him

behind the pavilion is hardly likely to have your

long-term interests at heart, OK?

Can I visit you?

Yeah, course you can.

I've a son at home who'd be lucky to know a lass like you.

He'll try and shag you before you get your coat off, mind,

but make him wait, make him appreciate you.

Come on!

Fuckin' hell, help us out, will ya?

Oi!

Thank you.

Gallagher, Francis. Must be sedated.

Come on.

I gathered opinion. It seems you might have a point.

If I had to get married in that, I'd throw myself in front of a tram.

Which would be a slow death in Manchester.

Where does that leave us?

She could use the old dress I married in.

Ancient, but me mother, grandmother,

and great grandmother wore it before me.

Half of the battle is knowing when you're beat.

Truth is, I can barely toast bread.

A case of ambition exceeding ability.

So, what's this?

Where there's a will, Karen.

I'm gonna make my contribution to Libby personally.

Something more in line with my area of expertise.

Liam's gonna email a speech over.

You can download them off the internet. You got a printer?

I love it when a plan comes together.

Coming together... now there's a thought.

CHEERING

Libby!

You look beautiful.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, Mum. I always knew it would be like this.

Thank you so much.

Hang on a minute.

You can't walk.

It's all too perfect, innit?

Of course it's a dream.

Perfect things don't happen to you, Libby.

LAUGHTER ECHOES

My God!

LOUD BANG

SCREAMING

CARIBBEAN STEEL DRUM MUSIC PLAYS

I think it's better than a wedding cake.

Slaved over a hot stove for these.

Second time lucky.

It's all good.

Very good.

Good choice.

Someone's coming.

TAPE OF BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

Thought you might need one of these.

I had a funeral.

Well, they won't be going anywhere then, will they?

BAGPIPE TAPE PLAYS AGAIN

I made it. I made it!

Thank fuck for that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, so where is she?

Oh, Libby?

Thought she was with you.

TAPE STOPS

She's probably just being fashionably late.

What's this? Spirit of the Blitz?

What have you done with her?

Who, the geek?

I'm surprised you're not relieved she hasn't showed.

I'm fuckin' warning you, Monica.

I haven't done anything.

If she's not here, then, she must've found sense.

One thing I will say for Chatsworth,

you do know how to party.

Did you miss me?

Any word?

Where is she?

I'm not her keeper.

Oh, but you know something.

Tell him.

Or I'll take Boyzone off the jukebox.

She left before dawn.

She might have said something about going to the nuthouse

to fetch you out.

Oh, fuck!

Her phone's ringing.

Libby?

Libby. Is that...?

Hello! Hello!

Fuck!

Do you think we should...?

Yeah, probably.

Frank!

(BABY CRIES)

(BABY CRIES)

Did Peck and Niven have to contend with crying infants

when they stormed the Guns of Navarone?

I couldn't leave her in the pub, could I?

It would've been irresponsible.

EXPLOSION

Right, What's the plan?

Shane and Ches - up the rear, coming in a pincer movement,

with Jamie and Carl in the corridor.

I'm going to parascend down through the sky-light.

How the fuck do I know what the plan is? Do I look like I was in 'Nam?

Well, you could've been.

Altrincham, maybe.

Fucking Chippenham.

Nottingham.

Cheltenham.

Didsbury.

EXPLOSION

I'll leave the intrigue to you lot in the cheap seats.

I'm going to get Libby.

He's like Scott of the Antarctic or summat.

It'll be the drugs he's on, still affecting him.

It must be. He's completely forgotten he's an arsehole.

Debenhams!

Oh, you're just looking after that for them, are you?

That why you're only taking the cash?

That why you're only taking the cash? How dare you?

Security will be...

Oh, shut up! You're not dealing with fucking...

Don't work on grown-ups, love.

You can't have her, you know.

Monica's moved on. She's with me now. She's happy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can see that(!)

That's why she's hanging round my home, my pub,

why she's trying to stop Libby and me getting hitched.

She doesn't care about that.

She's only bothered about her kids.

Can't stand the thought of them being neglected.

Oh, really?

And what kids is that then, Mildred?

Liam and Stella.

And the others?

What others?

The other five.

Oh, yeah. Total of seven.

The one that's in there now must have to brace itself

against the sides when she's taking a dump!

You stupid cow.

She's going to ditch you and run,

same as she's done with everyone else in her life.

Men like you should be locked up.

Oh...

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Eh!

Where is she, chief?

Come on, tell me and I'm out of here.

And the world's your lobster.

When the fire alarm went off, they all bolted,

left her in the treatment room.

Bzzzzzz!

She stumbled out ten minutes later, all electrodes and stuff still on.

Phone.

Come on.

Ah. Knock yourself out.

You're taking the piss!

Frank!

Come on.

Libby's at The Jockey.

What?

There's still time.

Have we got time for a pint? It's been a while.

Move.

(SOBBING)

Frank!

Frank, listen!

Look, maybe it isn't about the kids.

Maybe Esmerelda here isn't entirely wrong.

About what?

We've been through a lot together, eh?

A whole lifetime together.

Oh...

No, it's only the finality of the divorce.

It's made me realise that I still want to be...

No, I need to be...

Monica Gallagher.

She had you sectioned!

Yeah, only because I wanted to keep you.

It was always you, Frank.

Yeah, well, it was Norma for a while.

Yeah, but...

Then Nurse fucking Lobotomy in there, Ian's dad,

the hypnotist, the bloke from the dole,

the mechanic when we wanted a spark plug that time.

Yeah, I know.

I've made mistakes - we both have.

But I'm back.

I'll always come back.

The others don't matter.

I know now.

You're the one.

Yeah...

..but you're not.

She is.

Fuck's going on?

I knew you'd come.

Wait!

Wait a minute.

Fuck's sake, Carl. What?

Dad...

You don't need your speech, Carl.

They're not getting married. We had to let the priest go.

Oh...

It's not my speech.

It's from Liam.

"Carl, if you're reading this out loud,

"it means you haven't looked at the speech I've sent you

"till the last possible moment,

"and so are completely unaware that this is a letter from me...

"and not a speech."

LAUGHTER

Twat. I'll, erm.. I'll skip.

"Dad, I know what you must think,

"but I didn't betray you on that stag night.

"Mum did, so she could have you locked up,

"grab hold of me and Stella,

"and use us to get a decent house off the council."

You fucking what?

Well, have you any idea how long the list is for a single woman?

I'm with child.

Wow.

"But don't blame Mum. Don't hate her.

"Life didn't deliver what Mum hoped,

"and she's found that harder than most.

"It's damaged her.

"But she's my mum...

"..and that's why I'm going to stay with her.

"I'm going to fix her, if I can.

"Cos if I can love her, then maybe she can love herself.

"So Carl, you twat,

"don't come after me.

"It's where I want to be.

"Love you. Good night and good luck, Liam"

Can't half drone on, that Liam, eh?

Thought he'd never shut up.

You did good.

Hear, hear.

Shame they couldn't actually get wed after all that, though, innit?

Kinda sweet, though.

Do you think they're kinky-weird or just...weird?

Do you fancy...

Yeah, I do.

And I have done all day, desperately.

So much so that...I had to tape my stiffy to me belly.

I was going to say "pakora."

But if you want to come back to my bed...

I do.

Our bed.

Now.

I want you now.

Is it how you imagined it?

No.

Not remotely. Not even a little bit.

But...what they've done, for us,

it's incredible.

Yeah, you're right.

Cos usually, they're...

..cunts, and I wouldn't mourn any one of them,

but, you know, this past couple of days...

Yeah, they're all right.

We're soulmates, Frank.

Yeah.

We are. It's great and all that, but...

About this kitchen - what the fuck was wrong with the old one?

GNARLS BARKLEY: Crazy

'Freedom isn't quantifiable - you can't measure it.

'It's a feeling you either have or you don't.

'One man's straitjacket is another man's keys to the kingdom.'

Got another job lined up for tomorrow if you're interested.

Working for the family now.

It's Carl's 21st.

We need to mark it.

You need to give it to a guy called Kermit.

You must be Carl.

Carl Gallagher.

This is two-grand light!

He hasn't been home.

Just been talking about your lot.

All right, all right. Calm down, calm down.

How have you managed to run up a 500 phone bill?

It's a gay sex line.

Joe rented it out, got some lads to man the phones - he raked it in.

You want to stick it up my virgin arse, don't you?

No, I'm going to stick it on a cracker.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Gallagher, you're barred.

Fucking Scousers.

I knew it!

Ooohhh, me arse.

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