Original subtitles

(TAPPING)

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt

needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high,

literally...literally taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your ConDemNation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is "revolution" a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times.

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Pa-a-a-arty!

KELLY: Worst thing ever happened to me?

Losing my mam.

She was my anchor.

Even with her pissed and passed out on the couch, I felt safe.

Protected.

(DOG BARKS)

Keep your fucking animal under control!

But my mother died,

and all the shit she kept at bay landed on my head in one huge dollop.

There were times I thought I might do what she did

and take the easy way out.

But something inside said, "Things will get better."

And they did.

I met Shane and had some of the best years of my life.

Then there was Marty. With him came another big surprise.

So, when I hear of things going tits up, I always think, "What next?"

Cos, contrary to popular belief, I'm a "sunshine after the rain" sort of girl.

Your silver lining type.

WOMAN: Slowly, through the nose, and when you exhale,

I want you to imagine your breaths as arrows of light,

colours of the rainbow, and shoot them out!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha...!

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

And relax.

- Good morning. - A very good morning.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - JACKSON: Knock, knock!

Still allowed in my own house, aren't I?

Haven't moved in a newer model yet, have you?

Someone more socially acceptable?

Don't be soft.

Frank Gallagher's looking for digs. Is he more your type?

I'm all right to go up and get some clothes, aren't I? They are my clothes.

Dad.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

(WHISPERS) I'm so sorry.

You look like a Lennon man to me. Power To The People. Don't shoot!

Fuck's sake, Marty!

I'm just trying to make a living! Yoko!

It'll cheer them up at the shelter, won't it?

They've got nowhere to live,

but at least they've got some decent knocked-off tunes.

- Best of luck, mate. - Keep positive.

You never know. It might be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

- Where you heading to? - Runcorn.

You'll love this - Snoopy Dogg - earworm!

Only dicks pay for music nowadays. It's not Victorian times.

- Bad day at the office? - Fucking recession.

Nobody's got disposable income any more. It's disgraceful.

- What you up to, Marty? - Not much. Why?

Going cruising with Madam.

Fuck it.

Late start this morning.

They can afford it. They're winning.

They've won.

It's not over yet, Karen. It's all about hearts and minds.

Thought it was about houses.

Well, yeah.

Thank you, ladies. See you next session.

Partner couldn't make it again?

Really bad weather up in Aberdeen. Force 9.

Couldn't get off the rig. I'll make sure he's up to speed.

Fingers crossed he makes it for the birth. Has he booked time off?

Not sure. Let me look.

Ah, here it is, filed under "Mind your own fucking business".

You're clouding my chakra, man.

BILLY: It's like The Sopranos, this, isn't it?

Hanging outside the club, drinking, talking, cruising the bitches.

What, with our changing bags and nappies,

extra rice cakes, in case she gets cranky?

Yeah, dead like The Sopranos.

Your future flashing before your eyes, eh?

Look, what happened, it wasn't your fault.

It fucking was. Totally stole Kelly off Shane like that.

Bullshit, man. It goes against the code.

I'm talking about his wife and kids frying in a fire in Spain, you twat!

Ah!

And there is no code. She's more mafioso than you.

Fucking gangster, mate. Pow, pow, pow, pow! Pow, pow, pow, pow!

(BABY CRIES)

Coodgy, coodgy...

Yeah, look, I've got a flat-screen there for 43 quid.

- You'll be a good dad, you. - I won't!

Don't listen to that prick.

If it doesn't involve acne or MILFs, he's got no experience.

I'm a fucking jinx, all right?

Every...everything I care about, everyone I love, get damaged.

There's no such thing as jinxed.

Who's been in my life long-term? Cum bucket!

CHESNEY: Look, £10, take it or leave it.

- Fucking thief! - Oi!

Guy's going off his nut cos I won't give him £50 for a two-year-old portable.

Can't fucking move in there with shit folk are selling.

I always used to think it was "prawn" shop.

I always thought my granddad was taking his wedding ring down to the prawn shop.

You better have a good reason for dragging me out of my pit.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry I'm late. Fucking yoga stresses me out.

Bob upstairs?

- Never showed. - Bob?

- He hasn't missed in...ever. - Had an accident.

Something to do with a truck and a Pelican.

Poor bugger.

Mm.

He's got no-one.

Mm.

He was a gentleman, you know. Always asked after me.

"And how are we today, Kelly?" And he'd actually wait for an answer.

And then you'd toss him off.

I'm going to go see him.

Hospital's no place for you in your condition. You might catch something.

Maybe it's the hormones.

I mean, fuck knows, I could bottle and sell them at the minute, but I'm going in.

You missed a bit.

Bastard! Fucking blood. I've just scratched myself now.

We're not robbing cars. We'll never shift them.

It's not the cars that we're after. Watch and learn.

Stop fucking hitting me. I'm 26 years old.

Fucking explain yourself!

All those fuckers that are evicting people from the estate, yeah,

the Gestapo, they've got to leave their motors somewhere, don't they?

Can't bring them to the Chatsworth.

There's thieves knocking about.

It's not about the cars. It's about the booty in the boot.

Have you seen the gear that that lot carry?

Phones, laptops, tablets, scanners. Got to keep it somewhere.

SHANE: So you're taking pictures of it?

If I wanted to connect my printer to my computer,

how would I do it if I didn't want wires trailing all over the place?

You know I don't believe in computers, don't you?

Bluetooth!

It detects another wireless device

and asks you if you want to make a connection.

To which you reply?

You clever bastard.

(ALARMS WAIL)

Mortgage or not...

...job or no job,

I will always be with you.

This makes you a very lucky man, because I am a catch.

Say, "Thank you, Avril."

I wanted more.

I didn't.

The whole world is fucked up because people want more.

I want us, tish.

Everything else is just...

..stuff.

There are people round here far worse off than us.

WOMAN: You can say that again.

- What are you doing? - Evicted.

We've been living under here three days.

Listen to your missus, mate. She talks sense.

You want one?

Pig in a blanket? (SNORTS)

- Unacceptable! - Oh, yeah?

Didn't take you long to revert to type.

I am still the same lad. I am Carl fucking Gallagher,

except now I've got a job.

It's not a job, it's a Faustian deal.

You sold your soul to Beelzebub, you fucking muppet,

- and you don't even know it. - Oh, yeah, what?

Cos of your father or your grandfather

or some fucking Irish bloke we knew 200 years ago?

They're as much my blood as they are yours.

Cos you come from here. Have some dignity. Change your name.

Fuck the past.

Katie, Stella, little Cilla - that's why I'm doing it,

to make this place less of a shit-hole for them to grow up in.

They've sucked out your soul.

Bollocks.

Well, prove it, then.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, thought so.

FRANK (SLURRING) We were brought up to be suspicious of the police.

The oppressive arm of the state, charging demonstrators on horseback,

riot shield on the noggin, all that.

They got my motor back once, after some little Welsh prick robbed it.

My granddad was in Cork, right? You know, Black and Tans.

We can't have a Gallagher in the police.

It's a good pension.

I mean, he's a bright lad. Not academic bright, mind, you know -

he takes after his mother in that respect -

- but he can turn his hand to... - And he's a looker.

What? I always thought he looked like

he'd just got his finger in a socket or something.

- You know, "Hurrh!" - No.

The teens, the MILFs, the GILFs, they'd all ride him, given half the chance.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Was in here last night, had one too many.

Someone fingered me in the snug.

Well, it wasn't me.

You can smell if you want.

- (MONITOR BEEPS) - I'll need reimbursing.

After all the business he's given you over the years?

True. He was a lovely customer.

(WHISPERS) Is a lovely customer. He's not dead yet.

He knows you're here...

Every time I saw him lately, I kept complaining about my feet killing me.

He used to give me a foot massage.

He had a thing about feet, didn't he?

He had a briefcase full of all kinds of books on feet.

- He's a chiropodist. - Wouldn't put it past him.

Back to work, soon as. Profit in that bump.

(MONITOR BEEPS)

For old time's sake, eh, pal?

(MONITOR BEEPS FASTER)

(BEEPS SLOW DOWN)

Do I look like a man with 100 quid to spare?

It's quality gear, that, mate. I've shifted the other two already.

You could ask Jonesy.

Oh, no, he won't be able to take it, on account he's got no house to live in.

How much?

That's all I've got.

How do you sleep at night?

(WHISTLES)

Right, I don't care who did it. I even admire your cheek a little.

But I want my computer back.

It's not a work computer. It's my personal property.

Material of sentimental value.

You know, pictures of my children, Christmas, birthdays, holidays.

Things I can't replicate or replace. And I stupidly have no backup.

I'm sorry you've lost your mementos. Thanks to you,

these people have lost their homes.

KAREN: They've still got photographs.

They just don't have anywhere to put them.

Yeah, this is a step too far. Personal items are not part of the game.

The game?

Yeah, the fucking game.

You people think you're so clever.

What you do is not a victimless crime.

You're a mad cow.

All your cheating and scamming and benefit fraud,

- good people, like me... - And me.

...have our lives impacted upon directly by your scavenging lives.

We bear the cost.

No, you fucking don't. What you mean is, the rules are rigged in your favour.

Everything's rigged in your favour,

and the moment one of us bite back in the smallest way, you kick

and scratch and scream,

"I want mine! What about mine?"

That's my man.

- Look, come on, Miss. - Fuck off, you leech. Leave me alone.

- Upset by a couple of evictions, are you? - Yeah.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Getting all Spartacus on my ass?

Progress is coming, like it or not.

Five years from now, maybe seven, this place won't even be here.

None of you will be here.

The rest of society are not funding the underbelly any more.

We're not doing it.

So it won't be 30 evictions or 40 or even 100.

Ten years from now, this place will be wasteland!

And that's not opinion.

That's policy.

Go on, fuck off.

Mind the road.

Oh!

If I'd wanted misery, I could have stayed at home, you know?

What sort of shop are you running here anyway?

This place is fucked.

It's always been fucked. It's a vital part of its appeal.

People don't know what the future holds. They're upset.

The future is what you fucking make it.

Come on, where's the spirit of '68?

Oh, what the fuck? Student riots? Paris? Prague Spring?

Tune in, drop out. Shag a skank because she'll let you.

Civil...disobedience.

Huh? You don't have to play by their fucking rules. Make some up of your own.

Seize the fucking day.

It's like the French. They blockade the motorways, don't they?

And burn sheep. They do.

Thank you. You have to admire the Gauls for their gall,

despite their cheese-eating surrender-monkey tendencies.

What more can we do?

Why does it matter to you so much anyway?

Because all this misery is ruining my fucking pint.

I'm hanging up my crotchless when this little bundle drops.

Can't have your mam on the game, can you?

(MONITOR BEEPS)

I've got to be responsible. I mean...

...if me and Marty go tits up like me and Shane, cos these things happen,

it'll just be me and a kid.

I want this...more than I've ever wanted anything, Bob.

The fella, the kid, flat,

nice little job where I don't have to wear a gum shield.

I want the dream.

Reckon him upstairs will let me have it?

WOMAN: Have what?

Sorry. Who are you?

His wife. Who are you?

Ta.

Not a typical hospital visitor, if you don't mind me saying so.

I'm just aware that some folk don't have anyone.

I mean, I had... I had no idea Bob were married.

- You missed his wedding ring? - He never wore a...

Sorry, my dad never wore a wedding ring.

I just don't even think to look.

That must have been a real shock. I'm sorry.

The doctor said I should prepare myself for the worst.

The damage to his brain's extensive, and if he did make a recovery...

Look, you don't know what'll happen.

Nor do the doctors. They're just giving you a worst-case scenario.

Here you are. Have a look in My Photos.

You know she's gonna have some homemade porn on there, don't you?

- She's a businesswoman. - She is filth.

I can tell, mate. "This place will be wasteland!"

- I almost come in my pants. - Eurgh.

Hey, we could stick up a couple of barricades,

block the roads, like Derry in the old days.

Oh, that's all we need. Rubber bullets and petrol bombs.

Could enlist Marty Fisher. He burns stuff.

Oh, that's opening a can of worms, in't it?

He's imbalanced. He wouldn't know when to stop.

(LAUGHS) That's what Kelly says!

Sorry.

Maybe we take the fight to her.

Why is the Chatsworth the battleground? Take it to her gaff.

It's nice, her gaff. She tried to seduce me there, you know.

MIMI: Ha!

She's got a meeting tomorrow at her hotel.

Council, Work and Pensions, they're all coming.

Dress the girl up as a chambermaid, bug the room.

- I'd look brilliant as a chambermaid. - JAMIE: Good idea, Jason Bourne!

Should I just get my big bag of fucking listening devices?

I resisted, if anyone's interested.

I think she craves the furry chalice.

Oh, fuck me, I would pay to see that.

We won't need to bug the room.

- How so? - You'll see.

Right, everyone, this is Jody. She's got a rather unique talent.

If you can just stand aside.

The old one is saying, "Dress you up like a chambermaid at my place,

"we could charge a ton an hour."

The young one says, "I will have tuition fees to pay."

- What the fuck? - She...she can read minds?

Lips, dickhead. She lip-reads. Jody is going to be our secret weapon.

Well done.

# Roxanne

# You don't have to put on the red light... #

Hiya.

You all right?

Is your room OK? Not much of a bed in there.

No, it's brilliant.

I like singles. Doubles are, er...big.

Look. Don't let your dad get you down.

What? Nah. I won't.

You going to your thing, then? What is it?

Er...passing-out parade?

- I don't know. - You've got to.

Look, the fucking idiots round here will shoot anyone down.

- We've got to do our own thing. - It's not that easy.

Your dad has made his own choices in life.

Sins of the father, revisited on the son.

Women just don't understand, mate.

Will you fuck off with your father-son top trumps?

Frank is just bitter.

Yeah, well, it won't make it any easier for him to cut him loose, though, will it?

So Carl's supposed to give up the best opportunity he's had to baby-sit his dad?

Look, can I say something?

I know it's your house and that, but can you fuck off? I'm in the bath.

MIMI: She doing anything yet?

KAREN: Reading the paper. Daily Mail, I think.

MIMI: Boring bitch.

Can't believe I missed Loose Women for this.

KAREN: Oh, the lapdog's arrived.

Urgh! She makes my clit shrink.

People in suits are with her.

Ready?

Good girl.

Nice one, Jody, I'll save you some sweeties.

She can't hear you. You've got to say it to her face.

Just as well. I was lying anyway.

What's going on?

One of the girls had it upstairs. It smells.

My hormones are mental. I can smell a strawberry at 100 yards.

That'd rip the skin off my nostrils.

- Where have you been? - Hospital.

Bob's wife, she's in bits.

- I did ring you. - He's just a punter.

Being with him...

It's over as sudden as that.

You have to cherish what you've got.

But you know that better than anyone.

(MARTY SOBS)

This is yours.

- (SOBS) - It's ours.

You made it with me.

I can't do it on my own.

Actually, I fucking could, but I don't want to.

I'll mess it up!

You'll mess it up if you carry on ignoring your baby.

There's enough of that around here.

If you can't handle it, I need to know now.

You may as well fuck off now!

Right, that's us done for the day.

Here you are.

Isn't Jody's handwriting lovely? Dead fancy.

(SIGHS)

Mimi?

Oh, my God.

Postcodes, bank accounts, credit history,

cross-referred databases, specially designed software.

How? The computers we use are about 20 years old, and shit.

They know everything about everyone. They can do what they want.

There's 112 houses cleared so far.

And tomorrow, it'll pass the tipping point.

MIMI: What's tipping point?

A maths formula.

An exact calculation of how many empty houses it'll take

before the Chatsworth will never recover.

JAMIE: What do you do with a load of empty fucking houses?

(CLOCK TICKS)

What if they all moved into each other's places instead of their own?

So, nobody's in the house that they're supposed to be in.

Then the fuckers won't know who's who.

Say that again, what you just said.

What if they all moved in...into an house,

and the fuckers won't know who's in each of them.

Right, when I ran away,

I stayed at this guy's house called Derek for a couple of months.

He claimed squatter's rights on this titled terrace. He's still there now.

Musical houses.

Everybody squats in everyone else's gaff.

They'd have to start from scratch, then, wouldn't they?

Well, we've only got till tomorrow.

Think we're leaving you on your own in here?

You've got another thing coming.

What the fuck?

# You better smoke another blunt and continue drinking

# You can't front that

# When...when you see me coming Get the fuck out the entrance!

# I'm a killjoy Kill the thing, Kill Bill... #

Right, move.

#...I'm a killjoy Kill the thing, Kill Bill

# When...when you see me coming Get the fuck out the entrance... #

Very nice.

Hiya, lads. You all right?

#...So put that in your pipe and smoke it

# You can't front that

# When...when you see me coming Get the fuck out the entrance! #

(CHATTER)

#...So put that in your pipe and smoke it... #

Right, remember, you don't go anywhere near your old home.

You go to the properties that are allocated.

Oh, I don't fancy that.

Or you can stay homeless, you ungrateful fucks.

We've just put an en suite in, though.

You've got a one-bed maisonette. Why do you need an en suite?

- Have they been cleaned? - KAREN: Yeah, yeah.

Aggie's been in with the other one.

How clean's your fucking hovel? Can you believe this mob?

Jonesy, number 12 Marine Road. John, 28 Anchor Way.

That's only a one-bedroom, in't it?

It's not Grand Designs. Less backchat. Go, go, go!

(# THE SMITHS: What Difference Does It Make?)

Wake the kids. Time to go to your new house.

Wake up!

Aah! Aaargh!

Oh, my God!

#... The devil will find work for idle hands to do... #

Come on, Ches, put your back into it!

#... And why? Because you asked me to... #

Aaargh!

# But now you make me feel so ashamed because I've only got two hands

# Well, I'm still fond of you Oh-ho-oh... #

Heh-hey!

Wake up, pal. The sun's about to shine on your arse.

For the first time in a while, I'd guess.

# So, what difference does it make?

# Oh, what difference does it make... #

No, no, no!

There you go. Make yourself at home.

Hi, girls.

More heavy stuff coming.

Fucking hell. Thought it'd just slow them down for a bit. Not this, though.

Waste not, want not.

What you doing?

It's laced with ketamine.

Fuck it.

- Nice big Brucie bonus. - (LAUGHS)

(DISTANT PLAYGROUND NOISES)

# You stepped out of a cloud

# I want to take you away

# Away from the crowd... #

I don't understand.

This can't be happening.

# Alone and apart

# Out of a dream... #

Breaking and entering, damage to property.

You said yourselves yesterday, we make the rules.

So, every time you break them, you're just giving us more ammunition.

You're damaging yourselves.

That's clever.

We'll just evict all over again, only this time, the penalties will be stiffer.

Custodial.

Yeah, but no-one's back in the same house.

What?

No-one's returned to the same properties. All got new occupants.

So your info - Work and Pensions, Inland Revenue, council tax...

Immigration.

Useless.

You don't know who's who, or where.

You don't seriously think this will stop it?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

I seriously do.

We're so screwed.

They'll be back. Only next time, they'll hit twice as hard.

Dogs, PSCs, alarm systems and custody for anyone who doesn't comply.

I love my job.

(PHONE RINGS)

...Two, three, four and out.

Arrows of light.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha!

- Camel toe! - Bless you!

What's with the twitches?

You know I still get it with you when I've got the horn.

- You've got the horn? - Yeah.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha! - Fucking brilliant.

Now I've got the horn.

Great. OK, up we get, mums. Thank you very much.

This is better than being on a rig off Aberdeen, eh?

What?

Have you booked the time off for the birth?

Oi, One Born Every Minute, back off.

No, it's all right. How can I be negative about this? We'll be good.

You'll have to excuse us, but you know what hormones are like.

I really need to go and ride my boy.

Have you had any thoughts on breast-feeding?

Unleash the beast.

Tit wank, nipple rash, areola! Udders, puppies, milky mountains!

Tell me again!

I want our baby!

- I love our baby. - Oh!

Oh, baby!

The welfare state is over. Housing, health, education.

It just got bloated and unaffordable.

It's a direct consequence of everyone living longer.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's what you sound like to me. Do you know that?

We can beat them. We're better than them.

Oh, it's not about them and us.

We're no fucking different.

What, you think they don't love their kids as much as we love ours?

I have rejected 20 calls today from my estranged alcoholic husband,

who presently is fucking a girl barely scraping legality.

And yet, at some point,

at some point, I will let him come back

and rip the heart out of me again

and I'll pay for the privilege.

How is that better?

My husband wets the bed.

Look, it's about the system and getting it to work for you.

That's all that counts.

It's time to grow some balls, Feeney.

You don't sound like yourself.

Be very clear.

There are no lengths I won't go to.

What, you think I'm going to let ten lazy bastards keep me from my salary?

FRANK: Well, that's all right. You're in the middle of a fucking sandwich...

Up there.

Oh, I might have fucking known.

I was tricked down here, all right?

She said she'd give me a blow...

Only to lure him in.

I tried the trail of breadcrumbs, and he didn't pick up on it.

Right, that door stays locked until you sort it out.

Oh, come on...

Any stock he drinks, you pay for it.

Shouldn't have to prove myself. You're my dad.

Hundred million sperm, and my best swimmer turns out to be a Judas.

What are the chances?

When are you due?

I'm five months gone.

Your first?

We only had the one. Unplanned.

This one took me a little bit by surprise.

- Scared? - I'm fucking terrified.

You'll be a great mum.

Look at the kindness you've shown me.

Look at how you care for Bob, someone you don't even know.

I think you're remarkable.

(MONITOR BEEPS)

I love a man who's in touch with his feminine side.

I got your moisturiser on my forehead too.

The Christmas present or the good one?

Green bottle.

Can't read any more of this.

It's all spreadsheets and proposals. I'm going snow-blind.

You did good.

I won't let it go to my head.

Have you seen this?

Her contract is on here. It's totally gold-plated.

We've got to get this to Karen and Jamie.

Here's the interesting stuff.

Her contract of employment. Terms and conditions.

150 grand? What, that's her salary?

That's her bonus, if she manages to permanently board up 120 houses.

That's horrible.

You can see why she'd be pissed off at us.

Is it wrong, right,

that she gives me a full-on stiffy every single time I see her?

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

How do you do it? I mean, the whole wife thing.

All those years and you're still in love.

We haven't been "in love" in a long time.

We've been married 45 years. People change.

Yeah, but you change together.

The love we have now is...

well, it's nothing like the love we used to have.

- That's normal, isn't it? - I suppose.

Bob was never the most physical of men. He never...

He wasn't a sexual man.

Eh?

I know it must seem odd to a woman of your age,

but I need that attention, the satisfaction.

So I looked for it and I found it with other men, other lovers.

Truth be told, I'm very much in love with someone.

I was going to tell Bob, but then this happened.

You were leaving him?

He's an old man. Inside as well as out.

Maybe you weren't trying hard enough.

Excuse me?

Never had any trouble when he were with me.

Worked out well for you, this, hasn't it?

Bit of luck, he'll pop his clogs, you won't have to tell him.

- What do you mean, with you? - I'm a prostitute, love.

A hooker, lady of the night, Irma la Douce.

Bob was one of my regulars.

Probably saw me when you were at your lover's, being satisfied.

You slut.

You're no better.

Get out!

No, Hannah, stop it!

- Get off me! - Ah! Oh!

Oh!

(GASPS) Oh.

(HEART MONITOR BEEPS)

(WHEELS SQUEAK)

RADIO: Moving on, and a Moss Side man has been arrested on suspicion of arson.

The arrest follows a three-month-long investigation

of a suspected firebomb attack on a house in south Manchester.

Now let's have a look at what's happening on the roads.

Traffic's starting to build up in the usual places.

We've had reports of an overturned lorry on the M60 clockwise...

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Oh, oh! You fucking bastard!

(# SEX PISTOLS: Anarchy In The UK)

# Right

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

# I am an Antichrist

# I am an anarchist

# Don't know what I want but I know how to get it

# I want to destroy the passer-by

# Cos I

# Wanna be... #

What's happened?

# You know what I mean

# And I wanna be...

# An anarchist

# I get pissed, destroy. #

Right, let's go.

(SIREN BLARES)

She has destroyed people's lives. She's caused total mayhem.

Look, how's hurting her going to benefit us?

I enjoy violence as much as the next man.

- We need to keep a cool head. - I want her to suffer.

Seen this film once where a cowboy like cuts off the squaw's tits.

Jesus, no! When did you become so tough?

- You've lost your bottle. - Oh.

Karen, your reverse psychology has fooled me -

I'm off to take a chainsaw to the woman(!)

Very funny.

What do you want?

I will not be intimidated.

I'm not trying to intimidate you.

You're going to get chopped up and thrown in the Manchester Ship Canal.

Don't look so shocked. You're not the first.

I knew 100 lads like you when I was growing up.

You don't have to be like this.

Don't be scared.

It's not that messy, once all the blood drains from your corpse.

The only question remaining for you

is do you want to pass up

this literally once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

and deliver me a blow job, before it's too late?

JAMIE: DNA, Shane!

Fuck off!

I'm just asking.

Oh!

It's like the old days around here - one in the bathroom, two in the dungeon.

- Grub's up. - FRANK: About fucking time.

Of course, the kidnapee upstairs is worth a few bob.

150 grand bonus for kicking people out of their houses? Horrific, that.

Well, it's the poetry of the free market.

- Shut up. - Oh, ta.

Insured up to the hilt, as well.

She so much as trips over a stiletto on the job, she's minted for life.

Can't lose for winning.

- See what your lot are about? - My lot?

These are the ranks you've joined.

You are directly responsible for the death of this community.

- (LAUGHS) - It's not fucking funny, it's tragic.

You miserable arsehole.

Look, this community will never die. Look how much they're fighting back.

Kicked out of their homes and still refusing to lie down,

no matter what that blonde bint does to them.

But you are still spreading her gospel.

She has no fucking gospel!

If you clobbered her over the head for the insurance, she'd be delighted.

So make your mind up what fucking side you're on.

- I'm on my own side. - Shut up, shut up.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Yeah? Shut up, shut up. Thought forming.

Oh, Carl. Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl.

Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl, Carl.

- Are you in there, son? - What?

My boy.

(FRANK CHUCKLES)

That is the best idea I have ever...

- What is? - Do her in for the insurance money.

Let her take her black, black soul off somewhere else.

I never said that.

Yes, you fucking did, and I have never been prouder.

Under those layers and layers of piggery,

a Gallagher heart still beats.

CARMEN: No. Under no circumstances.

You're covered by a gold-plated insurance scheme while on agency business.

Absolutely not.

You get injured at work, you'd get a six-figure payout.

Yeah, that doesn't make it any more palatable.

It's the "injured" bit that, you know, leaves me a little cold.

You will not empty this place. People won't just lie down.

We can arrange for you to be hurt... in a controlled manner.

And in return, you erase all databases, spreadsheets,

original copies, mainframe and backup,

on every person on the Chatsworth Estate.

- You're not asking for much, are you? - Can you do it?

CARMEN: Yeah, it only takes a password.

I have remote access to all the systems. I can delete them.

Permanently? Including backup?

Permanently and irrevocably, if I have a mind to.

Which I don't.

Why are you so nasty?

I'm not nasty, I'm focused.

I think a woman needs to be.

Excuse me.

Nipping to the little boy's room, me.

How old are you?

KAREN: 40? 45?

Fuck off. Scrape the cement away. That one'll never see 50 again.

Your point being?

Is this how you want to spend the next two years?

Are you really that committed on getting one over on us?

But she's not committed, though, are you?

It's not political. It's not an agenda.

It's about being strong, being in control.

I bet your husband's a right prick.

(LAUGHS)

You don't hide it well.

I believe in what I'm doing. It's necessary.

But I'm so sick of all this unpleasantness.

I am. I'm...I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted.

What safeguards would I have?

Trust us, violence is our thing.

- (MONITOR BEEPS) - Do you need me to get you a nurse?

You should be due some painkillers.

- How's Bob? - Same.

I'm sorry. The baby, you...

- I told you I was jinxed. - I don't need this.

Everything I touch turns to shit. Everything.

I don't have the strength for this to be about you, Marty.

Can't leave Bob on his own.

Will you forget about fucking Bob?

He has no-one...

...and he...he could be stuck inside that injury for years.

I'll take care of Bob. Worry not.

You take care of her or you've got me to answer to.

(WHISPERS) I'm sorry.

(KNOCKING)

Private meeting. Fuck off!

KAREN: Right, take one each and don't let anyone else see it.

Right, everyone's volunteered, but only one of us can do the deed.

- "There can be only one." - Behave.

If anyone gets fingered for this, they'll be looking at a very long stretch.

Serious assault on someone on government business.

What the fuck? Am I holding the coats, or what?

She knows you. We don't want her to be able to ID the attackers.

Well, you took a ballot. You're hardly inconspicuous.

(GASPING)

Firstly, Enoch, we're not the only blacks in the village.

Secondly...

(GROANS)

- (LAUGHTER) - Besides, Dad, you couldn't beat eggs.

It's the principle.

Right, whoever's got it, wear the mask.

"Wear the mask"!

KAREN: Right, and exercise some restraint.

Just beat her enough to get compensation, not enough to piss her off.

- (GROANS) - Crack her on the nose.

What about, er...kneecaps? They're always good, aren't they?

No, definitely no kneecaps. Too far.

Yeah, she wouldn't walk for months.

I've heard nothing.

Look, a targeted beating. Just enough to fool a loss adjuster.

There you go, love.

Good boy.

You're DNR now, love. You've already gone, haven't you?

Good night, sweetheart. God bless.

(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

# You

# Stepped out of a dream

# You are too wonderful

# To be what you seem

# Could there be eyes like yours... #

(SCREAMS)

KAREN: Forgot your flowers.

Ate your grapes.

Can you can move your hand?

Yeah, that's the correct account.

I just want to check how much we have outstanding on our council tax.

CARMEN: Done.

You'd better not be winding us up,

cos there is still time to plant you under a flyover.

What, they've all crashed?

And when will they be back up and running?

Everyone's system went down at the same time.

Congratulations. You're a wealthy woman.

Nice doing business with you.

ALL: While I continue to be a police officer,

I will, to the best of my skill and knowledge,

discharge all the duties thereof faithfully, according to law.

Can you eat that, after?

The fondant fancy?

(APPLAUSE)

MAN: Dismissed.

# He's gonna step on you again

# He's gonna step on...

# Hey, rainmaker Come away from that man

# You know he's gonna take away your promised land... #

Let's get you a drink, eh?

Fuck off.

Give the lady a beer before I stick my toe up your arse,

and not in a nice way.

She's our guest. Now, treat her like one.

Mingle, Mrs Feeney.

# Gonna stamp out your fire He can change your desire... #

No, can't make it out.

They're Polish, cheaper.

Cos that's what you're looking for in a condom, cheapness. Forget condoms, son.

Bareback is best, first and always.

Sorry for your loss.

- Are you a fucking animal? - What?

Guy's just lost a baby.

Fuck off!

- (MUSIC PLAYS) - MIMI: Can I have a cold one?

Why are you all being so nice to me?

You're losing your religion as we speak,

and we've all been there at one point or another.

MIMI AND KAREN: Mm.

You know, I never really thought of you people as people before.

(LAUGHTER)

You're a curious one.

You've really achieved something. I'm proud.

These people here, every one of them,

bar tab as long as a bride's train.

Licence to sell alcohol reinstated.

But you said everybody's drinks were on the house.

You didn't believe that, did you?

Hearts and minds, Karen.

Hearts and minds.

Technique?

Rough.

Six out of ten.

Stamina?

I've flushed myself twice just watching him.

Why am I sitting with you two?

I'm so confused.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

KELLY: So, when it seems you can't take any more,

it looks like there's no way out, no solution to your problems,

just remember this - there's always tomorrow.

It's easy to give in, to give up.

It's much harder to look for the silver lining.

But it's worth looking for.

It's really worth looking for.